[Hellblazer]

To say that one stays innocent of his own actions all his life, even if he tries to fool himself that he has done some good and still tries to do some, is a lie. How you see things, people and life changes throughout your life, slowly but surely with every events that serves to form the character that you are. But there is not only your own actions that can change your being, but also the actions of those that surrounds you, the events that they put you through, the love and trust that they break, wither it be consciously, willingly or not.

I had put my love and my trust into a woman that used me to advance her own goal. Even though she said that she loved me, eventually her own goals got the better of her and she fell for the one I was trying to protect her from. I can not prove it, but it is too obvious. Further more, she pleaded being drunk and hurt at a time of need, my brother being there in my steed, and realizing too late what was happening, they slept together. Breaking the only promise she had ever made to me. Although this is in the past and that I have forgiven him for sleeping with her, that past still set many things in motions. Changing many things in me.

Even the one that had asked me so long ago to put my trust in her, being close to my family as a sister to my father, used me and lied to me. Playing me against myself serving that Laura. And then, hiding the truth yet again from me, when she knew Elgon had slept with Jaelle.

In my life I have not given my trust to many people, but every single time I have had, it has always turned against me. But it is those things, that slowly help to germinate who i am becoming today.

And slowly, throughout the lies, throughout the deceptions, what good they saw in me was being erased and replace with hatred, rage, insidious, hidden, but present. My tolerance for people shortening with every year. I did not see any moral barriers anymore when my blades cut through the flesh of those foolish enough to stand against me. Nor did my rules that I had set long before, stood anymore in front of what needed to be done.

I would no longer hide behind those moral rules of protecting the children or women from my wrath. I would no longer exclude them from my list of jobs to take. I would no longer listen to the voices in my heart pleading for their lives. From that moment forth, I would do what was needed to achieve my goal, to get the job done. No matter what would the job be.

So long have I chastised myself for finding pleasure in the death of my foes, in causing them pain. Blinded by the false morality of those that pushes them aside when their need be. I am no longer the boy, trying to hold onto what goodness he found in him and around him. Afraid of becoming his father. Becoming the monster that came at night and murdered his village. It was too late for that. Those that said in false honesty, to care for me, made sure that what ever goodness was left in me, be erased by their lies and their actions. I am no son, I am no follower. I am worse than what my father was. I called him a monster, lying to myself about myself. I am the monster. I am the one with no remorse of the pain I bring. I revile myself in the fear I see in the eyes of my prey. I pleasure myself in their gargoyled scream as my blade plunges taking the very breath out of their lungs. I look deeply into their eyes marveling how life escapes slowly, taking with it the brightness that was sparkling in them. each death, to it's own goal.

It took me years to realize that I had changed. That even if I tried to hide it, what I felt in me was no longer alive. I always felt that the shadows were my home, protecting me from the outside, from what could hurt me. Sheltering my heart from the pain I brought myself, in loving them. But it was more than just a home for me. The shadows showed me the coldness I needed, the brutal truth of all things. My heart is as dark as the darkest shadow. And my lies runs deep, unearthed unseen. As I approach the goal that is set before me. The shadows take away the very fibers of my frailty. I take all those emotions, useless, encumbering, and I put them in the box. Closed and locked. I lock the feelings away in my mind, becoming empty and cold inside and outside. I become the shadows. Cold to the stare, cold to the touch. Unwavering, deep.

I have held on for years on a love that can not be, desperately grasping at it to keep me centered. And even though I know I have changed, one can not simply change when he feels for someone. I do love her still, Mirren, but unless she shows any signs of coming around, I will not stop myself from finding my pleasures elsewhere. Hiding the truth from her, as long as it can be. She may be the last person who I would not openly hurt. But for me there is no more hope, no more looking forward to tomorrow towards a dream that will probably never be. I will go and use what I can, pleasure who I want and use them to bring me my own pleasure. I will not bother to worry if I hurt them in the process. Nor will I stop myself from taking what is mine. There is no dirty deeds, only those to full of themselves to realize that everything has it's price. To her I will still be the Brian she knows, caring, helping her, loving. So is my wish, as I wish to see her grow. It is a contradiction to who I have become, but I can not just push her away. Blasted heart. Fool is it to think that it can hope for a better future. The better future will be what I make of it. Not waiting for it to show it self at my door steps.

To Sairalinde, I will be the playful, enigmatic human. Willing to court her for the pleasure. No real attachment, just bringing each other pleasures and good times. But also serving a purpose of pushing further my studies of dark elven.

There are scarier things than those that bumps in the nights. Scarier things than the dark elves in the deep. As in the deepest of cave, there is the shadows. Enveloping you, covering you with it's chill. Making each sound appear as a monster. Playing with your mind. And then when you think all has calmed down, when you see the flicker of light. Death clangs at you with it's grip. I will become that. I have become that, not fully but with each day that passes, with each body I steal the soul of, offering it to the soul mother, or any god willing to take them. I become the noise that bumps in the dark.

I have for too long been the one who endured the pain and hurt. It is time I give back tenfold what I have been given.

I marveled myself today in the sweetness of the blood of that woman. The dribble of her neck on my skinning knife, tasted riped. Ready for her death. And the elf thought he could instill fear in a man without a soul. Oh I was uneasy. And the more I was, the colder I got. Taking away what ever barrier was holding me back, locking it away. I marveled at the fire that was consuming their house, and the screams of their burning corps inside the house. I marveled at the pain I felt as I passed my hand over the flames near me. The job is not done, and there will be more blood, more death. And the further I stay with them, the closer I get to my goals. Learning the Language of the dark ones, is only one step. Allying myself with the god of one of them.. maybe. If it can bring me closer.

What is my goal? To form an alliance with the true shadows, those that gifted my teacher, the veil. To bring the true nature of the shadows out. A shadow dancer is not a performer. Those that uses our gifts to perform are an affront to what we truly are. We are not hear to mesmerized, to please by our tricks. We are here to bring darkness in the lives of people. It is my personal belief, and I do not care what the other dancers think. I will never believe that our purpose are as clowns roaming in a troop, from city to city. Stealing what we see after the presentation. We are much more. We are what makes the noise that bumps in the night. And it is time that we truly embrace our true nature.

That is my goal. my purpose. And maybe with each death that I bring, with each tears of pain I see flowing on a cheek. It will bring me closer to them.