[jan]

*a few words are writen down seemingly in anger or another state of mind that doesnt help keeping a hand steady*


LOVE.......CURSE.......PAIN......LIFE.........DEAT H.......
All useless ...love is a curse ...love is pain.....life is pain.......death is ...? A way out ?

*the handwriting becomes more fluent and looks writen with a steady hand*

Have been looking for Sab for more then two weeks now,heard from Karana that Sab is going to be one of three to perform a ceremony.
Karana will be there to protect Sab's body she said.
Guess with all that is going on she just forgot about me *sighs* if Karana wouldnt have told me , i wouldn't even know.
I'm not sure what is happening ...is her love for me fading ? am i ballast in her life? will she leave me ?
So many questions and no way to ask her directly since i cant find her *sighs softly*

Life stinks at times .....and this is one of those times...i told Dorena something that even scared ME when i had said it ...
I told her that sometimes i regret ever meeting Shelu ...*sighs deep and ponders before he continues writing*

The thruth is ...i still miss her dearly ..and my life can never be the same as it was before ....nor can i hold up this ...facade...longer.
My life is a chain of bad events and i've been trying with all that is me to chance that...it's getting hard not just give up..end it ....
Maybe i was right with what i told Dorena ...if i never had met Shelu ,i would never have gotten into this hurting game called love...
Nah ...there would have been another that would have cought me ..i'm a sucker for love ..maybe Celgar was right ..
Maybe there is only one god ..or goddes in this case .....that would suit my life and my dealing with losses ...Ilsare ..the goddes of love...
*walks around the house pondering and talking in himself and he ends up in the room he has made into a shrine for Shelu*

* he looks to her pictures and sadly smiles*
"Hello my love ......i'm in need of guidence again ..as usual when i end up here ...my thoughts are a mess
and my life isnt too happy now...my love is away ....and "the other" i love isnt answering my feelings in any
way....people use me and try to chance me ....only thing that keeps me going is my undying trust in love and
some of my friends....."
*he bows his head in a simple prayer and when done he looks up and smiles to her pictures hanging on the wall
next to the table with the weddingring*
"I wont give up dearest...you made me promiss to make the best of my life and never search the easy way out by
following you in death..i'll keep that promiss and will try to get out of the state my mind is in right now....i miss
you love ..keep room for me at your side...."

* he walks out of the room holding his head up and looking confident and somehow more at peace*