New Character Submission - Tragor

[phishsticks]

Character: Tragor
Age: 23
Gender: Male
Class: Fighter
Race: Half Giant
Alignment:true neutral
Deity: None


Biography:

Physical description: Tragor stands at about 7 1/2 feet, and weighs 325 pounds.. He has big bulging eyes, and is sheer muscle from head to toe, with a few scars here and there.

History: My mother Tania was a warrior woman, coming from a babarian tribe, she was brutal, and was shunned by the men of the tribe, for being to bossy, and concieted, even for a barbarian. She decided she was too good for them, being the hatefull woman she was, she found a lone giant that was beaten by his own clan.. she took him into a a nearby cave, and they became quite fond of eachother, she taught him some decent english, and gave him a new name.. Gorth she decided, sounded like a good giants name, becuase he didn't know his own name . They decided to head into town and see if they could be eccepted by the townsfolk. My mother almost seemed to have changed her behavior to the better, from living with Gorth for a few months now. They started off to Fort Vehl, and saw the Ogre camps they heard of. They entered the town, and were immediately the center of attention.

The town gaurd, William, given to him by the the city, because no one could pronouse his real name, had walked up to them, being a Half Orc himself, he wasn't as quik to accuse them of being an immediate threat. She reasured him that Gorth was a gentle giant *smirk* "unless I wan't him not to be.. but that is beside the fact.." The gaurd stripped them of thier weopons before they could enter town.. They talked to the head of the gaurds, and told him that they were here for service.. He gave them a crooked smirk..." ahh.. is that so"?

He assighned them to keep the trails safe for the travelers, an easy enough job... So they had most uneventful days, fighting an Ogre, and maby a mercanarie here and there.. they settled down, and the townsfolk began to accept them in the society. Not to much later my mother became preagnant.. she had gotten huge, before I was born, and given my name, Tragor. I came into the world on a trail near Vehl, due to them on guard duty, and a sudden birth, so I followed the with thier duties for the day, expiriencing battle the day I was born. My mother did not let out a scream being the woman she was, she was taught to hide her feelings.. even now though she let out a tear, and my father Gorth was even good to me.. growing up I was picked on by the kids, just because I was bigger than the other kids.."Me no like people making fun of me.. me no do nothing to dem, yet they no accept me, they call me dumb..." Me get back on dem, me get in lots of fights, they make me want hurt stuff.. I hav gud life when no school.. then me go school, they make me hurt in body.. so me take hurt out on dem to.. I get kick out of school when me hurt boy"... they yell at me.. they no know they hurt me to.. then I came back from school and my mother and father didn't come home.. "Me cry whole night, and morning comed and Guard William comed.. he tell me mum and dad die in bad fight, they get out number .... Me feel bad inside, me loved my mom and dad..Me ask town gaurd what me do now.". He sayed" you are nearing the age to become a warrior yound Tragor' . He said he train me.. he teach me how fight.. day an day me go out with Williey he make me fight wit him, put sword in ... a hand.. put metal plate in other.. we fight. Me and willy come home we get congratuated on helpin town.. they say we protect good. Tragor feel happy when me fight.. me no know of other hurts, jus me hurt dem they crunch.. den me feel gooder". "I live with William two and nother two years now, and now me become big fiyter.. Me decide go out look for adventure, thats what mum and dad wanted.. Me be big fighter, me crunch enemy, for mum an dad'.

"Me head to town of Port Hempstead, me hear people there need me help, me be there.. people look at me funny here to.. Me know now me just need to fight, and dey like me.. Me Tragor me do best me can..

[darkstorme]

Hi there!

Oooh, a half-giant! He sounds like fun, but we have a few issues to address:

• First, the Order of the Bloody Axe is Vorax's Paladin order. They are compelled to be Lawful Good by both their deity and their calling.
• Second, a half-giant worshiping Vorax is virtually unheard of. He's unlikely to have got it from his mother, since her description meshes neatly with the Barbarian class... which cannot be Lawful. If you want her to be a Vorax follower, you'll have to go into far greater depth about her training with the dwarves. If not from his mother, he's unlikely ever to have heard of Vorax, living in a giant tribe.
• Half-Giant is a powerful subrace. We need to see significantly more backstory to approve it. If you need an idea of the length and depth of such a backstory, you can have a look at these recent half-giant approvals:
  • Cam Cutter
  • Truk Twoshivs
  • Valdemar Harrudson
  • Hoss
• I don't see the True Neutral alignment here - the character obviously relishes being Good. What is the balancing force in his life? (I realize it's difficult to play a follower of Vorax and NOT be Good or Lawful... but for that, see my above points.)
• A small point... did his mother know that the law of the tribe (if they had one) entitled her to this trial by combat, or did she simply walk up to them and say "If I can beat your strongest warrior, I can have my pick of you!"? I can't see the latter getting her far.

As I said, an excellent start, and he looks like fun, but he'll still need some more work before we can get him in-game.

Thanks!

[phishsticks]

fine.. :S im never good with these diety things huh :P

[darkstorme]

*smiles* Deities are important in Layo - as long as you take the time to read their pages completely, they can be quite rewarding.

Now, then, remaining bones of contention:

• As much as the submission didn't look True Neutral, the problem wasn't the alignment, but the bio - at least in this case. Half-giants are one of the alignment-restricted monstrous subraces. Therefore, the only choice for you, as a new player, is True Neutral. However, this means that the bio has to change to match.
• I still need to see at least three more paragraphs - as I said, half-giant is a special subrace.
• You changed the sentence slightly, but I still don't understand how she could dictate terms to a giant tribe.

Once these are addressed, I'll review the submission again.

Thanks!

[phishsticks]

ok, hows that sound?

[Faldred]

The alignment still needs to be changed to True Neutral.

Also, the name "Grawp" for Tragor's father is a name used in the Harry Potter series (the name of the half-giant Hagrid's brother). For copyright reasons you should probably change this.

[phishsticks]

heh I didnt even know hows that then ?

[phishsticks]

alright, I fixed the allighnment, and the name... hows that?

[darkstorme]

A few last things - and please, don't PM Character Approvers about your submission.

• Please take the time to go over your submission fully after each edit - the name Grawp still features.
• Who is this Guard William? Is he the one who taught Tragor, or was that the town guard, the half-orc?
• Is Tragor speaking for the entire bio, or just the last bit? That is to say, how will the eventual character talk? (Bearing in mind that if he has an INT of less than 10, he will be unable to speak proper Common.)

Thanks, and do be patient. I check the board several times a day, and I won't let an updated post go by without examining it.

[phishsticks]

Im sorry.. :P

the first part is just the history being told by like a narorator.. and Tragor, his mom, and guard talk in quoteations. I think its better to understand whos talking now. and Tragor will only talk like short, misspelled, wrong usage sentances, like "me no do dat" or stupid stuff like that.. but i am going to make him semi intelegecne, nothing below an 10, nothing to deep.. *smiles* my patience is running thin :P but its alawys good to help making it the best I can.. THANKs

[phishsticks]

yeah, can a character aprover take a look at this please.. i made some changes

[Faldred]

We are looking at this and discussing. Hopefully we'll have an answer soon.

[darkstorme]

Alright, I'm back.

After considerable discussion, we came to the conclusion that there were two major things that would require addressing before this character could be approved:

• The story is mainly about his parents. Tragor only shows up in the last paragraph, and again, the focus of the paragraph is his parents' death, and subsequently he becomes a fighter in their memories. While background on parents is excellent, we would like to see more development of Tragor himself as a character, his history (he's 23, after all) and his personality.
• Probably as a side product of the above, the consensus was that the True Neutral alignment is not terribly evident in Tragor. Without a more extensive description of him as a person, it is hard to gain any reading at all into what his behaviour is like.

You've been very patient with your edits, and we do appreciate that, but subraces are never easy - not in submission, and not once in-game. *smiles* We want to make sure that any examples of the lesser-seen races are completely established before they make their first appearance through the gates of the city of their choice.

Thanks!

[phishsticks]

ok, hows that? :P yeah sorry for me being impatient its common in teenagers :P

[phishsticks]

youy think thats enough for my OWN bio than? :P

[Faldred]

I'm going to go ahead and approve this. Just one note to remember when playing -- we do take alignments seriously here. You will need to play the alignment of True Neutral as faithfully as you can manage. Once you have the character established for some time, you may apply for an alignment shift (if there is a specific direction you wish to move the character towards), but even then it will need to occur gradually over a long period of time.

Also, don't expect a particularly warm welcome in Port Hempstead -- you may wish to start in Fort Vehl, as a monstrous race.

Approved.

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