Character Submission-Vorgak

[Muhkuman]

Character:Vorgak
Age:35
Gender: Male
Classes:Fighter
Race:Half-Orc
Alignment: True Neutral
Deity:--



Vorgak's mother lived in a small cite that held large treasure, A band of Orc's who lived over the ridge heard of this wealth and were very enthusiastic about it. Vorgak's mother got married only several days before the small cite she lived in was attacked by Orc's and almost everyone in the cite was slaughtered or executed, The Orc's took people that were able and strong who could work for them and act as slaves. Vorgaks' mother was taken captive by the leader of the Orc's and was his prize for getting the tribe the treasure, He kept her locked up for a period of 20 years until she grew crazy and no longer knew how to act civil like a human. She had learned to speak Orc's over the 20 years she had spent in the camp and listened to the Orc's arguments over who got more treasure than who. The leader of the Orc tribe needed a son, to take his spot when he died and he took Vorgak's mother. They had 3 sons, their names were- Vorgak,Akunst,Zurick. Zurick died in birth and Akunst and Vorgak were left, From the beginning The Orc's knew Vorgak was stronger because he pushed all the other Orc's around. By the time Vorgak was 15 he was bigger and stronger than any Orc's in the tribe. But he looked different from all of the other Orc's he was half-Human not full blood, His father nor the rest of the tribe liked this so they were going to kill him and his brother. Vorgak and his brother escaped nearly a day before the execution was scheduled. They were captured by some dwarf's that put them through intense labor, in an Iron mien,Vorgaks brother didn't survive the mine's and was killed there. Vorgak was going to escape when the time came, After 15 years in the mine listening to the Dwarf's talk to him yell at him and beat him he knew their language pretty well and could speak it fluently, One night there was a fire in the mine and Vorgak would take advantage of this, When the Dwarf's weren't paying attention he picked up a pick axe and waked the two guard Dwarf's in the back of the head and killed them, he then went to a corner where no one could see and cut their heads off and used them to make a mask, Even though he was much taller than the dwarf's were he managed to sneak by the guards at the gate and get into the forest where he escaped and went to live his life, He was 32 at this time and wanted to become very skilled on one single weapon, He searched out a trainer to teach him to become a great master.

Because of his time spend in the Orc camp and the Dwarf camp he should know languageswarf/Orc. He wouldn't know any common.

[darkstorme]

Hi there, Muhkuman - clearly, you've caught the submission bug!

There are several irreconcilable issues in this submission, however, which would require, at the least, a complete rewrite.

First of all, the premise behind the orc raid needs expansion. Where is this "city"? It would have to be either very small or newly founded - and in either case, we'd need greater explanation.

Second, orc tribe rulership is not hereditary, but achieved by force. Often, the chief's son gets more food/better weapons/more training than others, and therefore is the strongest and therefore (in Orc terms) best suited to rule. However, internal consistency in your story is a bit lax; the chief (nameless, for some reason), took Vorgak's mother, you said, to father an heir. And it sounds like he succeeded admirably - Vorgak was, for whatever reason, stronger than his full-blooded clanmates. But if he was going to be condemned for his human blood, not only by the clan but by his own father, why would his father take a human woman to sire heirs?

Orcs are, by their very nature, brutal creatures. How on earth did a human woman survive twenty years as a slave? How did she keep herself useful enough to be kept alive? Additionally, if she was involved (at all) in raising Vorgak, how is it that he did not learn Common? Was she forbidden to speak in Common?

They escaped from the camp (where?) only to be captured by dwarves. Now, this too is a bit strange. Dwarves, generally speaking, don't take slaves. They take pride in being able to work their own mines. Orcs intruding on their land, they'd likely simply kill. These two must have fairly obviously been fugitives, because they'd be on the run from their tribe. They might then have been questioned, but since they'd committed no crime other than that of being in dwarven territory, it would be very unusual for them to be placed in a forced labour camp.

The escape has a few things wrong with it. First of all, the premeditated murder of two guards with the intent to fashion a disguise out of their dead bodies is... well, quite powerfully Evil, and I see very little Good in this character's biography to counteract that. Second, dwarven guards would not for a second be fooled by a six-foot half-orc wearing dwarven faces over his own. In fact, I am fairly certain that wearing the flayed skin of their comrades would make him far more likely to be caught. And far less likely to be shown any mercy when he was.

Assuming that there is justification for a dwarven forced labour gang, he would doubtless have been shackled - and as it stands, I see no way for a hulking half orc working in mines built too short for him to sneak past guards who would doubtless be on the only exits from said mines.

Finally, while knowing Orc is reasonable, I see no justification for knowing anything in Dwarven, save perhaps the words for "work", "idiot", and other insults. Certainly not fluency. You would have to substantially expand (and provide additional justification) for his knowing this language.

As I said initially, I cannot see any ready means to correct these issues through addition - the existing text will have to be substantially reworked. While the basic idea (half-orc raised among orcs) is sound, most of the rest will have to be rewritten.

I hope this helps - when you've completed your rewrite, post again to this submission.

[Muhkuman]

Character:Vorgak
Age:33
Gender: Male
Classes:Fighter
Race:Half-Orc
Alignment: true Neutral




Bio: Vorgak was the son of an Orc, His mother Katie knowing she had been raped by an Orc didn't tell anyone due to the fact she would be seen as a social outcast. Katie married a solider named Dan only a few months after being raped by the Orc and they decided to start a family, in a little town to the North East of Lor. Little did Dan know she already had a family and it was not a human one. When Vorgak was born he was beaten by his father Dan and made fun of by him Vorgak didn't like that and wasn't getting along with him.Vorgak got along with his mother good, although she wasn't to pleased to have a Half-orc as her son she took care of him and raised him as normal as she could. He was a bit violent and had a temper, didn't talk that much only to people he knew. He often camped out in the woods for weeks at a time when he was younger to avoid people finding out that he lived with Katie. didn't like the fact that Dan picked on Vorgak, but there was nuthing she could do about it. a few years after them being married Dan became a violent drunk, she didn't know that he was a drunken when she married him, She thought it might have been from bad experiences back when he was in battle.So she just dealt with it untill it started getting bad and Dan came home drunk beating her. One night when Vorgak was 18 years old and was a big Half-Orc Dan came home and was abusing his mother, Vorgak could hear her screaming from outside the house, Vorgak went inside picked Dan up and threw him outside, out of anger the father went and alerted the local authority's and told them that there was a Half-Orc living in secret down the road. The authority's and some local town's men came to the house with pick forks and fires threatening to burn the house, Vorgak's mother went outside to see what all the commotion was and was shot by an arrow on accident as she opened the door. This infuriated Vorgak and he took an axe of Dan's that was hanging on the wall and threw it through the window hitting one of the men's arm nearly taking it off. Vorgak knowing he wouldn't be able to defeat the crowd of men on his own, ran out the back into the forest. He ran for a while until he couldn't feel his legs anymore. After he was rested he went out looking for help, to get revenge on the men who killed his mother. He found a group of roaming full blood Orc's and he was daring enough to approach them and ask for help, He said that if they would help them they would get lots of food and maby even some riches and gold....At first the chieftain didn't like the idea of it and said no but Vorgak persuaded him into changing his mind. A day or so later the Orc's went to attack the cite and they slaughtered everyone in it, Vorgak didn't participate in this he only wanted the one who shot his mother, he only knew what Dan looked like so he found him and brought Dan with Vorgak and the other Orc's, Dan died 5 years later from intense work that the Orc's made him do. They were a nomadic group of Orc's they pillaged villages that were close to them and ate the humans they captured, Vorgak never participated in any of this though he only collected the treasure from the villages after the Orc's got done and split it with the group. After Vorgak staying with the group for 15 years he left them and went out on his own..

Hope thats a bit better.

[darkstorme]

Hi again.

While this is more reasonable, certain parts of it are still contradictory where Lore is involved.

First and foremost, Lor is a port town. You can bet that half-orcs aren't at all an uncommon sight down by the docks, working as stevedores and bouncers. The same can be said for its surroundings. So Dan's retaliatory "telling the authorities" would not have been likely to engender more than a shrug in response - hardly a mob with pitchforks and torches.

As this is a linchpin to Vorgak's own subsequent retaliation, its removal will be an issue that will require a revision to the rest, but moving on for now...

Vorgak's revenge, now that we come to it, is unequivocally Evil. Revenge on Dan - perhaps. You might simply have Vorgak kill Dan when he finds him beating Katie, though, and thus forgo the remainder. But bringing a horde of bloodthirsty orcs down on his entire hometown, slaughtering or enslaving them to a man? Again, Evil, capital E.

Likewise, just because Vorgak didn't personally do any of the human-killing and human-eating doesn't mean he is not culpable for these acts. This would be akin to being involved in a mugging, and protesting, "But my friend shot the guy - I just went through his pockets after he was dead!" While you might not be quite as culpable as the man who did the deed, you were certainly complicit. Vorgak went to this clearly Evil group of his own accord, and left them, apparently at will. This implies that he participated in their raids and aided them of his own free will, and with full knowledge of what he was doing - which, again, is Evil.

Finally (though this is hardly an afterthought), the only point at which he picks up a weapon appears to be when he throws an axe through the window. How is it that he was trained in arms, as a Fighter would be? From the sounds of it (enraged, threw an axe nearly taking someone's arm off), he's more likely a Barbarian than a Fighter.

Once you've adjusted your biography... you know the drill.

[Muhkuman]

Character:Vorgak
Age:33
Gender: Male
Classes:Fighter
Race:Half-Orc
Alignment: true Neutral




Bio: Vorgak was the son of an Orc, His mother Katie knowing she had been raped by an Orc didn't tell anyone due to the fact she would be seen as a social outcast. Katie married a solider named Dan only a few months after being raped by the Orc and they decided to start a family, in a small town on the outskirts of Hlint. Little did Dan know she already had a family and it was not a human one. When Vorgak was born he was beaten by his father Dan and made fun of by him Vorgak didn't like that and wasn't getting along with him.Vorgak got along with his mother good, although she wasn't to pleased to have a Half-orc as her son she took care of him and raised him as normal as she could. He was a bit violent and had a temper, didn't talk that much only to people he knew. He often camped out in the woods for weeks at a time when he was younger to avoid people finding out that he lived with Katie. didn't like the fact that Dan picked on Vorgak, but there was nuthing she could do about it. a few years after them being married Dan became a violent drunk, she didn't know that he was a drunken when she married him, She thought it might have been from bad experiences back when he was in battle.So she just dealt with it untill it started getting bad and Dan came home drunk beating her. One night when Vorgak was 18 years old and was a big Half-Orc Dan came home and was abusing his mother, Vorgak could hear her screaming from outside the house, Vorgak went inside picked Dan up and threw him outside, out of anger the father went and alerted the local authority's and told them that there was a Half-Orc living in secret down the road. The authority's and some local town's men came to the house with pick forks and fires threatening to burn the house, Vorgak's mother went outside to see what all the commotion was and was shot by an arrow on accident as she opened the door. This infuriated Vorgak and he took an axe of Dan's that was hanging on the wall and threw it through the wall making a clear hole for him to get out. Vorgak knowing he wouldn't be able to defeat the crowd of men on his own, ran out the back into the forest. He ran for a while until he couldn't feel his legs anymore. After he was rested he went out looking for help. He found a group of roaming full blood Orc's and he was daring enough to approach them and ask for help, Vorgak wanted to start a new life away from the humans among his semi own kind. They were a nomadic group and were verry good fighters. After Vorgak staying with the group for 10 years he left them and went out on his own.. Vorgak went in search of someone to train him in the art of fighting and becoming a master of weaponry. After a few months of running and harsh journeys Vorgak came across a cave in a mountian he went looking inside and descoverd a fairly young Orc, He had many weapons hanging form the walls of the caves. Vorgak went in and asked the Orc if he would teach him about fighting, at first the Orc wasn't very welcoming and Vorgak didn't feel welcomed. After about a month or two Vorgak became good friends with the lone Orc, The Orc's name was Orthbad he had been banished from his tribe because he was very weak as a child and the tribe had no time for him as they were a warrior tribe. Orthbad had thought himself through many hard years and had become a very skilled fighter hoping one day to return to his tribe, Vorgak asked Orthbad to teach him the skills he knew so Vorgak too could become a skilled fighter some day. for five years Orthbad tought Vorgak, after the fiver years of intense training with Vorgak they decided to go out and try to find a tribe to roam with. After weeks of searching there was no luck. Vorgak left Orthbad and went out on his own to become more experienced with fighting.

[Muhkuman]

*Bump*Thanks, Problems you stated have been fixed I hope.


-Could he be Chaotic neutral? I read the rules,states you must be here for 2 months. I think i'v been here just 2 months

[Rowana]

A note on the alignment request, it is 2 full months and one other character above level 10. For the chaotic Neutral alignment you will need to wait until April 19th to qualify.

~row

[Muhkuman]

*Bump*Ok. Thanks

[darkstorme]

A few points are currently under discussion. Your submission will be reviewed very soon.

[Muhkuman]

Alright.

[darkstorme]

Much better. Just a few points I'd like to see addressed/expanded upon, and we should be good to go:

• Even near Hlint, revealing a half-orc wouldn't inspire a torch- and pitchfork-toting mob. Half orcs just aren't that much a monster - in all likelihood, there are few people in civilized areas who haven't seen one or two.
• I'd like to see some expansion as to how a half-orc convinced a group of full-blooded orcs to let him travel with them, rather than, say, killing him. Orcs don't much like orcs from other tribes. A lone, half-blood orc would as like be target practice as a welcome companion.
• Likewise, the orcish fighter who he meets - how did he persuade the orc to train him? Upon meeting him, you said that the orc was wary verging on hostile. The orc was, as you said, well-trained. Why didn't he just drive Vorgak off or kill him? How did Vorgak persuade him a) to let him live, and b) to train him?

Once you've addressed these points, Vorgak ought to be good to go.

As an aside - Vorgak is a very orcish name. In your original submission, raised among orcs, that made sense. But why would Katie, raising him among humans, give him an orcish name? This isn't mandatory, of course, but is a small logical hiccup.

Thanks!

[Muhkuman]

There yeh are, everything addressed was fixed I hope.




Character:Vorgak
Age:33
Gender: Male
Classes:Fighter
Race:Half-Orc
Alignment: true Neutral




Bio: Vorgak was the son of an Orc, His mother Katie knowing she had been raped by an Orc didn't tell anyone due to the fact she would be seen as a social outcast. Katie married a solider named Dan only a few months after being raped by the Orc and they decided to start a family, in a small town on the decline of Storm's mountian. Little did Dan know she already had a family and it was not a human one. When Vorgak was born he was beaten by his father Dan and made fun of by him Vorgak didn't like that and wasn't getting along with him.Vorgak got along with his mother good, although she wasn't to pleased to have a Half-orc as her son she took care of him and raised him as normal as she could. He was a bit violent and had a temper, didn't talk that much only to people he knew. He often camped out in the woods for weeks at a time when he was younger to avoid people finding out that he lived with Katie. didn't like the fact that Dan picked on Vorgak, but there was nothing she could do about it. a few years after them being married Dan became a violent drunk, she didn't know that he was a drunken when she married him, She thought it might have been from bad experiences back when he was in battle. So she just dealt with it until it started getting bad and Dan came home drunk beating her. One night when Vorgak was 18 years old and was a big Half-Orc Dan came home and was abusing his mother, Vorgak could hear her screaming from outside the house, Vorgak went inside picked Dan up and threw him outside, out of anger the father went and alerted the local authority's and told them that there was a Half-Orc living in secret down the road. The authority's and some local town's men came to the house to see if this was true, Vorgak's mother went outside to see what all the commotion was and was shot by an arrow on accident as she opened the door. This infuriated Vorgak and he took an axe of Dan's that was hanging on the wall and threw it through the wall making a clear hole for him to get out. Vorgak knowing he wouldn't be able to defeat the crowd of men on his own, ran out the back into the forest. He ran for a while until he couldn't feel his legs anymore. After he was rested he went out looking for help. He found a group of roaming full blood Orc's and he was daring enough to approach them and ask for help. At first the full blood Orc's didn't take to kindly to him due to him being half-blood and from another tribe. When Vorgak came with the group of full blood's he acted like the full blood's were superior to him,so it didn't seem as he was trying to take over their tribe or gain the upper hand any where. They beat on Vorgak for the first few months and ruffed him up a bit, but once they realized how strong he was they cut him some slack and treated him *semi* fairly. Vorgak wanted to start a new life away from the humans among his semi own kind. They were a nomadic group and were verry good fighters. After Vorgak staying with the group for 10 years he left them and went out on his own.. Vorgak went in search of someone to train him in the art of fighting and becoming a master of weaponry. After a few months of running and harsh journeys Vorgak came across a cave in a mountain he went looking inside and descoverd a fairly young Orc, He had many weapons hanging form the walls of the caves, and looked to be a loner. Vorgak went in and asked the Orc if he would teach him about fighting, at first the Orc wasn't very welcoming and Vorgak didn't feel welcomed. After about a month or two after heavy persuasion and reasoning on Vorgak's part,Vorgak became good friends with the lone Orc, The Orc's name was Orthbad he had been banished from his tribe because he was very weak as a child and the tribe had no time for him as they were a warrior tribe. Orthbad had thought himself through many hard years and had become a very skilled fighter hoping one day to return to his tribe, Vorgak nudged his way into making Orthbad teach him what he knew about fighting. Vorgak offered Orthbad a sack of coins, everything he had that he had taken from his home and managed to keep hidden from the full blood Orc's. Orthbad agreed to teach him for all of his money and belongings. Orthbad taught Vorgak most of skills he knew so Vorgak too could become a skilled fighter some day. for five years Orthbad tough Vorgak, after the fiver years of intense training with Vorgak they decided to go out and try to find a tribe to roam with. After weeks of searching there was no luck. Vorgak left Orthbad and went out on his own to become more experienced with fighting.

[darkstorme]

Once again, this submission is under discussion. It shouldn't be long, however.

[darkstorme]

After much discussion, there are still a few points in your submission that are too tenuous to allow approval. I'll do my best to itemize them below and make it clear why we are concerned about them.

• The authorities coming to the house.
  Half-orcs, while certainly viewed with pity, contempt, or ill-regard in some corners of the world, are not viewed as the sort of monsters that would provoke an armed response. In a xenophobic community (and we're talking extremists, here - even in Prantz having a half-orc living in town would not raise many eyebrows), you might get an official or two coming by and telling them cordially but icily that it would be best if they moved out of town. Which brings me to the next point...
• His mother being shot.
  As I said, an armed response would be unlikely to the point of absurdity, so having one of the respondees be not only armed, but so trigger-happy that he'd shoot an innocent woman just because she opened the door, is beyond the realm of reason.
• Meeting up with the orcs.
  A few things here. First, a half-orc raised among humans is, as far as orcs are concerned, as good as a human. Which is to say, good target practice. Assuming he somehow managed to speak to them first, there is really no good reason, barring bribery, that they'd accept him into their traveling party, and would be just as likely to kill him in the night to take whatever he was using to bribe them with. Likewise, orcs respect strength, because it means the strong person can beat them up. If he was already an outsider, however, and showed himself to be stronger than, say, one of them, the group might team up on him to prevent him from turning on them. Orcs are not a naturally trusting lot.
• The training with the orc fighter.
  Again, "a month or two of persuasion" doesn't tell me the "how" behind the transition between "the orc wasn't very welcoming" and "Vorgak became good friends with the lone orc." An orc who is trained in the use of weapons and isn't very welcoming could (and likely would) just bury an axe in the intruder's head and be done with it, before any sort of persuasion could take place. If you still want him to train with an orc (for some reason), we'll need to see expansion on the "how".

Now, if you want the mother dead (as most adventurers wind up parentless by one means or another), there are a host of other methods rather than a trigger-happy lynch mob member. Dan could have hit her one too many times before Vorgak pulled him off her. She could have caught a wasting disease and grown slowly weaker, while Dan exerted his drunken influence over the household. Vorgak, throwing a weapon at Dan when he felt threatened, could kill her himself, by accident. Any of these would work just fine.

Likewise, if justifying his acceptance by the orc band proves difficult, why not simply make it a mixed-race mercenary party? The sort that would take on a strapping half-orc youth without asking any pressing questions about his past. They might even train him in the use of weapons, so he'd be a useful member of the group.

Vorgak is just a half-orc fighter, so we don't really need too much - but too much of his current biography hinges on attitudes that simply aren't reasonable.

If you have any more questions, don't hesitate to ask.

Thanks!

[Muhkuman]

Ok, I have been at work for the past few days...haven't had much time but I'll try to straighten this out tonight

Thanks for the suggestions.