Lin'das Private Journal

[Blackguy]

* Lin’da sits down in her house in the Haft Lake District and begins to unfold a lot of thoughts *

I don’t really know where to start since I’ve never been much of a writer, but more of a doer. But I feel the need to get my thoughts down since the latest events have started to effect me.

From the very first time I learned the troublesome spells of necromancy, I’ve always yearned for power. Having no master to guide me, I’ve been quite alone on this whole magic teaching, and many hard lonely hours studying the arcane arts. It didn’t take long from my early attempts at evocation, to see the potential power in necromancy, and I liked it. I’d like to stress to myself that im not a evil person, and I thought the goal would justify the means. Atleast I did at that time. Those I called my friends saw this change in me, and some turned their back, and some didn’t say anything. I know that even thou they didn't say anything, they probably shun me because of that choice.

It all started with my friend at that time, the dwarf Kobal, made it clear that he did not condone such spells, in his vicinity nor at all. I didn’t listen to him, as I didn’t take him serious and thought that his knowlegde of weave wouldn’t make him able to make such a choice for me. How I was wrong. It quickly spread around that I used the darkarts, and I was terrified at times how it effected the view on me. Like I said some people decided not to travel or atleast acknowlegde my friendship anymore, while my powers drew outer people out in the opening. I thought my path was just, and I enjoyed my powers at the time, and was very selfish and couldn’t care less about others opions.

That all changed when I was asked by Lia to help her in matter she couldn’t reveal. I had heard rumors of her being bound to a pact, which i later learned was the Black Wizards, and as the friend to her, I couldn’t refuse her plee. Oh how I was wrong to even try and help her. I didn’t see the full effect of my wrongings before I found out that Lia wanted to trick both the friends she knew and the Black Wizards. I left her, and the party there and then in the hallways to the Abyssal realm, and I swore to never take up the darkarts again. 6 days later I promised to resque the persons that was left in underdark after Lia had left them there, Mith was as guilty as her, and I was wrong to ever give that man my trust. When we went to the secret entrance for the underdark, we found Lia’s rotting corpse, and it was as I had seen my own face on her there. I knew that if I didn’t pull myself toghetere it would be my own neck sliced and my body left rottting. Althou my justification for using these powers at the time was good, I know now, that I was seduced by the raw untamed powers. They seemed harmless, but in retrospect I was not incontrol over then. They were in control over me. In the middle of Hlint, I tore my necromaticspells from my spellbook, and burned them infront of Jacchris eyes. I knew that the power must never tempt me, and I will not give it a chance to ever do it again.

Distancing myself from those powers left me more clear in my head, and I could begin to see what an impact I had made on those people that before saw me as friend, maybee abit hotheaded, but still a friend. I had burned so many brigdes that I almost at the time gave up hope to ever regain what I had before. I decide to wrong what I had done before, slaying the undead whereever I went, and shunning my distates for the spellls I had used before. But people don’t forget so easily, and I turned to those of a different faith to guide me in this matter. I asked Quantum to let me help him, destroying the undead that he investigated. He took solice in my plee, and could see my good intentions and let me be part of that team. It was a small step for a long road ahead of me. But I still need clear guindance. My church does not help me, as they see necromancy as part of the weave. I need help from an other source, and I need to find it, while I can still find my way back from this darkpit that im in.

I hope as Acting Shining Hand that Quantum can shine some light upoin this. Also I know that I must talk to Yardislan about this matter, as he would perhaps know what to do. I don't feel my faith is there for me, and it’s like im drifting away from it. Lucinda can’t help me, and she didn’t guide me when I needed her. Perhaps I need to talk to Kobal, I know he would not trust me, but perhaps he will tell me where to find redemtion or perhaps penalty to wrong my doings. Theres a lot of wrongs to right, and I may not be able to ever right it. But I need to try, I need to believe that a person can change, otherwise I might aswell kill myself.

[Blackguy]

* Lin’da sits down and makes note in her new journal *

Lately thoughs of Aeridin have entered my head. I keep thinking of how I remember Athus, Allei, and Rawkwin being healers and helping people. They never have seen to have a badbone in their bodies. But my quest for power undershadowed the need to help others, atleast that’s what I thought. Althou inside I was perhaps jaelous of their ways and their beliefs, but I never payed any attention at it. But now I can’t get it out of my head. It’s as if im being drawn to help people.

I have to admit, Ive always tried to help people where ever I go, always doing good deeds to cancel out the bad I did. The defense of the Oak is perhaps what im most proud off, and I can see the need to help people. But it’s the way is done, and how I use the weave that matters.

That’s why it was a joy to see Elladan on the street today. I’ve not seen him for quite a long time, and I consider him a friend to me. But I was abit worried that he had heard the rumors about me, and would say something horrible. I knew I could not keep silence about this feeling I had inside of me, and I had to confront him to ask of the church, despite the reaction from him. To my relief, he started to listen and spoke to me as it was natually all the things ive done. He mentioned being mortal and all mortals make mistakes. Afterall were not gods. And even they make them. So he said not to be so hard on myself. I asked about the church, and he mentioned that rebirth was one of the pillars in Aeridinite beliefs. He believed a person could change, given the time, and the good intentions it wished to express. It gave me hope to hear that from him, as I was dreadfully worried for that he would perhaps call a guard on me.

* She chuckles abit when she writes it, and seems to laugh at the thought about Elladan calling a guard *

Well at that time I was worried, but it was unfound, since he showed me much compassion like no other person has given to me in a long time. He gave me a hope that in time I could forgive myself for doing what I did, and find the path to spiritual and physical redemption. At that point I was quite convince that the Aeridnite church could benefit me, and I in return could benefit it, by repaying and helping people with my powers, instead of using them for things I do not want to speak of anymore. I asked Elladan if he would help me with the guidance and the admitance to the church, and he replied that he would gladly vouch for me, and gave me this advice. Try to feel the lifeforce around yourself. The life is part of what you are. With those words we parted and I agreed to contact him when I needed him. I now need to talk to other people about this. But atleast there is hope at the end of the corridor. It may be narrow, tight, and filled with spikes, but atleast im not locked up. My mind is opened now, and I feel the ..

* lin’da lays down her pen for a moment and closes her eyes *

… feel the.

* She crosses the last words out and begins to write again *

I don’t know what I feel, but I know that im on my way.

[Blackguy]

* Linda sits in the city of Warick, while others are around investigating the city *

This place gives me the creeps. Decease have broken out, and were here to look into it. I feel this is a test for me to show that I can change. I’ve seen the mages in our group feeling a negative energy in the city. I fear to feel for this, as I might have a relapse to my old ways. I hope noone expects me to feel for this.

On the good note, I had a chance to further my conversations. This time I spoke to Yardislan. I told him about my decision to leave the church, and it looked as if it took him by surprise. I told him what I was doing, and about my conversation with Elladan. He said he would help me in any path that I needed to take to come to terms with this. I was glad to talk to Yard about this; his morale consience will help me make the right choices. But I can’t rely on him making them for me, but only to guide me along. But I have to say im more surprised by people will to help me in doing this. It seems the hardest enemy I have for this at the moment is myself.

I asked him about his knowlegde of necromatic spells, and I asked for advice in that regard. He said that the spells in my book must be there, to help me learn from my mistakes. But he don’t know that Ive already taken them out, and burned them. Maybee he meant that I can’t take them out of my head, my memory. That they will always be a part of me, but as a reminder to never thread the path of darkness again. Its very confusing, but I feel I can trust in Yard enough to trust his word. I need to remember that it is I that owe these people everything, and they owe me nothing.

It’s strange to be the pupil again. But in a way im kinda glad that it could be Yard that can teach me abit more about ethics and morale. And with that I mean using the weave in a ethic way. I’m confident that the path is layed out for me, and im becoming more sure of my choice for each passing day.

* She looks ahead for the others *

Hmm they are entering the fishermans house again; I better go have a chat with Daeron over there.

* she leaves the campfire and walks to Daeron to sit and chat *

[Blackguy]

* Lin’da sits inside a round table at Jacchri’s house in Vale. Beside her sits Ael *

I’ve becoming to see Ael more as a friend lately, and a close one. So I decided to ask him of something I’ve wanted to do for a while. Ive always found it facsinating when he and Sahala talked among themselves, shielding their conversation from others. Sinec Drow is such an uncommon language on the surface I see it as ideal to learn. Ael luckily agreed to tutor me, and it was not long before he started to explain the basics of the language.

It seems that some words in both elven and drow go again. I kinda already guess that, as they at one point probably originated from the same basic language. Words like hello and love are the same. This means I will be able to learn drow much faster simply because I know Elven. There is still the little problem of pronouncing the words correctly, without making it sound like elven. But Ael is a patient tutor and he takes good time to make me say the words deep and long, as drow is meant to be said. Im sure with my smarts and his abillty to learn from him, I’ll soon be speaking this hidden language. Ive made a lot of notes, and I just need to pratice them a lot. When I meet Ael, I can learn more, and since we travel alot toghetere lately, we can make such seesion frequently, increasing my abillty to learn the language.

It seems as if the others are planning something abuot that whole Etriabens deal, I better listen to them, and make sure we are not betrayed again. But I partly blame myself for that. It seems I trust people to much. This is the second time in short time I’ve been betrayed. I need to stand up more to others and not let my good intentions be abused.

[Blackguy]

* Lin’da sit on the benches infront of the Orc Basher’ old shop, and writes a new entry into her journal *

I was able to run past Jacchri, and I remembered that I needed to talk with him. He was on his way to Morakens, but he had no problem finding time to talk to me. Just that reminded me that he saw me as a friend. I asked him if we could find a more quite place, and he suggested the lake. Besides a few birds, which Jacchri quickly camled, there was nothing there to interrupt us.

I began telling him, like I’ve done with all the others, how the last couple of months have been for me. I told him about the situation with Lia, my own path into the darkness, and how Ive seen the errors of my past. I told him about my decision to leave Lucinda, and offer my body and soul to Aeridin instead. All while I told this, he had a calm expression on his face, as if he already knew what I was going to tell. It was a very reasuring expression, and it gave me courage to continue my tale, from start to end, without any delay. I told him that I was going around to different people telling, or perhaps explaining is a better word, all the wrong things ive done, and perhaps give them a understanding to why I did them. He reminded me, as Elladan before, that Ive always done good things, and if faced with good or evil, he had always seen me choose good. I in return told him the means doesn’t justify the end. He knew that aswell, but if I really didn’t care about the means then why would I be here talkig to him. I smiled abit at that, and he was absolutely right. Its almost as it becomes easier for me to talk with all these people, ever since the first one.

He also said that he would gladly give his forgiveness to me, and he said that if I needed someone to vouch for me, he would do it himself. I was very honored and happy to hear that, and I knew that Jacchri telling the truth to me there. I said I just hoped that others would grant me this forgiveness, and or atleast they would in little understand my choices at that time. He said that these talks I’ve been having with people were doing me good. If a person after all this, still not forgive me, then it’s not because you havnt tried, and then atleast your own slate it clean. I hope Jacchri is right in that, I truly do. We parted ways as newfound friends, or perhaps we never got seperated, in either case my heart feels less burdend, and I look forward to talking to the next person on the list. I feel Aeridin is already helping me in this, and I hope it will last alittle bit longer.

[Blackguy]

* Lin’da sits on the bench in Hlint and makes a note in her journal *

So many people to talk to, so many people to mend my peace with. I feel like all I’m doing is telling everyone how sorry I was for my recklessness back in my old path. I must remember to sound sincere each time, so the last person doesn’t get the impression that im not true about this. But true I am. Ive not been so exited about something in a long time, each day that passes fills me with hope that I can finnaly throw the shackles from my past away, and be rid of its shadow forever.

My teaching with Ael is coming along nicely, most of the words we have already discussed, and the grammar is very similar to Elven, so that only leave how to pronouce most of the words to they sound drow. I have to admit that I didn’t thnk I would learn Drow this fast, but Ael is wonderfull teacher, and he works hard to iron out the kinks in my speech.

[Blackguy]

* Lin'da sits on the bench in Hlint and scribbles some notes down *
Last night I was on a journey to Underdark with a bunch of friends, and it all went very well. But at one point we reaches a critical point, which I know is very diffucult to get through. I know from experience that these creatures are very weak to a certain necromantic spell Horrid Wiltering, and I find myself getting ready to prepare those spells to deal with them. But just as I shall rest, I make a change of heart, and realize what im doing. I change all the spells back to evocation spells again, and find myself thinking how close i was to falling into that darkpath again. But on the other hand, I find myself strong, as i could resist the temptation to use that kinda spells. I felt it as a test against me, and I succede. Im very confident in my powers now as a Evocationist, and there is nothing I can't do with those spells, that I could do with Necromancy.
On a side note I feel very lucky to have such good friends, most of them, if not al have supported me in my choice for leaving Lucinda, and choosing to follow Aeridins teachings. I might not be the most obvious candidate. A evocationist following the words of Aeridin. But I may not presicely follow her teachings, but more hold her as an ideal as for the good in people that lies within every single one of us.
And the other night Ael finished his teachings, Im quite surprised how fast I could learn his native tongue, and I know that this language will help me alot in the near future. Hes becoming a very good friend, alongside Sahala which I have begon to see in a diffrent light. She is very strong and independant. Also she is a great spellcaster, and we enjoy exchanging ideas on the battlefield. I wonder where this will lead, but the future is not as black as it used to be.

[Blackguy]

* Lin'da sit quietly in her house at Haft Lake, to reflect the past few months *
Oh my, what a trip last night. travelling with such a experienced group into the underdark was just a treat, and a soarly needed one. I miss the teamwork shared among races and classes alike, and this surely made me believe it in it again. Of course it didnt go off without a hitch, it seemed Varka decided to tell his side of the story of what happent in that cave in the berhagens to Kobal, which led to a passionated argument between Kobal and Ael. Ael's wit and cool, led to this being dealt with. Kobal decided that Ael's amendment under the eye of His Lord Roferein would suffice for Kobal.
Regarding Ael, he have seen me progress to well in Drow, that he have decided to give me scrolls of text to translate, so I can get the written skills down aswell. I find these very challeging, and I have almost succeded in translating the first scroll that Ael gave me.
But I admit its been hard, being torn between my new friendship with Ael, and the conflict between him and the dwarven of these lands. I have gone through alot of changes, taken tests after test to prove myself worthy by actions to gain the trust of these dwarven again. And now I find myself split in the middle again, as this conflict choose me to take sides. Im glad that we last night was able to solve our diffrences so I didnt have to make that choice. I just hope that Varka will listen to Kobal in this matter, so that Ael's presence will not cause a conflict when travelling with Varka.
A more disburbing thing have crossed me. It seems that Daeron is beginning to pratice the darkarts himself. Atleast he says he are. Ive yet to see him actually cast a Wail of Banshee, but the way he talks about it, I have no doubt in my mind that he have indeed cast it, and finds its powers to his liking. He says that its only to save his friends, and that given cthe choice, he would rather cast that spell, than to see his friends die. But that reason is just to easy. I promised not to talk to anyone about ths, but I decided to share my concern with someone I could trust, one who knows Daeron more than me. This person was Yard. Yard said that it probably was just a fluke, and that Daeron is a human, so it will probably pass quickly. I hope dearly he is right in this, but I fear that it is more. Daeron expressed his lack of power using the weave. He talked about being degraded to casting the bigby spells, and the various missle spells. I can see where he is coming from, but those spells, with others, make a very suitable defense, and a very powerfull offense when used correctly. It took myself some time aswell to learn how not to implement darkarts spells into my tactics, but I have to admit I wouldnt cast that spell again if it could save my life. I fear for Daeron, and the troubles ahead of him. But it is his choice, and I can only give what little guideance to him, so I hope he finds the right way back.
These last couple of weeks I have been more tired than normally. I wake up, totally exhausted. I found a note in my robes with a word written upon. Farva. Im not sure what that means. But I fear that something, or someone is perhaps stalking me. Perhaps this person. For now I have not payed it much attention, but if this continues, I may have to do some investigation.

[Blackguy]

This morning I got a letter from Ael that he said would not teach me drow anymore. It came from right out of the blue. What did I do wrong, was i wrong to trust him. I always defended him during my travels, even when it was against others among me that I called friends. I find it so frustrating. Did I say something wrong that night at the mosscrypt, were I provokative against him, like I was with Angela. It feels as if he just stabbed me in the back, and its hurts. Not so much because he left, but I really saw him as a friend, he didnt even say a word.
The trip itself in the mosscrypt turned out to be quite diffrent than we expected. We had cleansed the crypts and halls of the undead presense, and procedeed to clear the rest of the cave with the intent of bringing light to this dark place. After a minor setback in the caverns we decided to head out as fast as we could. It was there that we saw smoke when we approached Hurm. It seemed the dragons of the swamp had decided to attack Hurm. It had spread a dark plague amongst the people, and the city itself was burned half to the ground. It seems the dragons used our entrance to its lair to cunningly create chaos with us to blame. The funny thing is that none of us in the party didnt as much as see a shadow of the dragon in that place, yet alone see the dragon. It seems the dragons are on the move and they will stop at nothing to regain the power they lost.
On the good side Ally is back and we had a rather pleasant talk her, me Angela and Ralinda at Ralinda's tower. I think I got a little drunk, but i had a good time, I think. I cant really remember what happent there. Ally promised to continue the lessons in drow to me, started by Ael, and even thou she said she is not a good teacher, Im not a inexperienced student, and Im quite capable of speaking drow, I just need the finishing touches, which i am sure she can help me with.

[Blackguy]

Finnaly, we found the cure. It have taken a long time, and its been hard to not "really" know the fate of those inside. I was lucky enough to help the temple in North Point with the important mission, and I feel as I have contributed as I should. I spend 200,000 for part of a cure, and I was kinda glad that my money could be used for something.
Ally seems to be back in full vigor, and just before we departed for Arboera we sat down and had a talk about dialect in the diffrent cites. I asked her to take a look at some of the scrols I got from Ael, when he was still teaching me. I can understand drow, and I can speak it. But I still need to fine polish my dialect, and know when to apply it where and how. Not that I would fool anyone that I would be drow, but who knows if i was behind a locked door and needed that dark language.

[Blackguy]

The last leg of the journey. The scrolls Ael gage me, are now translated, and I find myself eager to pratice my newfound language. I have not had a real chance to pratice it upon a drow out of Hlint, but I know the opportunity will come. Ally was kind enough to help me polish off my dialect, althou I still need to fine tune some variations of the language from drowcity to drowcity. Im abit sad that Ael wasnt here to finish what he started, but im sure he had his reasons. I didnt like him being a hunted person among every one of my friends. It was starting to become very ugly.
The plague that before washed over Hurm is now over. Plenarious asked me to join him on a scouting mission to arborea, with Quill, Connor, Lala and Daeron, and it was our luck that we did. Maurelle needed a few days to gather the right herb, and it would have set us back a few days if not we had been there earlier. When we arrived a few days later, maurelle had the plant ready and we could all leave to help the temple in North Point. The plant got there, and the cure got spread. There was some involvement with Broegar and the pranzis army, but i kept my head cold for a change, and it didnt evolve to anything bloody.

[Blackguy]

The last few month have given me no real thing to write about. There have been the usually skirmishes and travelling around in the world, but I find myself lacking the motivation for persistent going. Perhaps I need to realizes that for the first time in my life my powers are beginning to work against me.
It seems thateverything else in the world can be handled with lesser powers than what I can offer. And indeed my powers are unmatched by any wizard that I know off. But for what purpose? I wonder if I should see adiffrent way in gaining progress. Im not sure. I dont think I could be good at anything else than studying and learning more spells. But lately the only spells I do not wish to learn are those of necromantic powers, and they are beginning to be the only ones left for me to practice. I dont want to come to a point where I need learn something of necromatic use to progress.
Perhaps I should already be looking for something else to tinker and spend time with. But what? Well I know for a fact that its not gonna be something involving faith, as Im not the biggest patrion. I was never a person to like the nature aswell, atleast not to where I would spend my time in it.Nor was I someone who faught with swords and weapons. The only thing remotely I can think off was perhaps to edequate myself better with the skills I already have, in some manner. Ive always been fashinated by the lockpicking and trapdisarming of rogues. I have taught myself alot of these skills by my own, but perhaps I should look for someone to help me understand the last journey of this secret art. Besides theres is no real challenge in the locks and traps I pratice myself with. You can only open and lokc the door in storans so many times before you know the lock to itssmallest detail.
I know that Angela have some skills to hit harder, but whether she knows those skills I seek, I do not. I have to ask her when I meet her the next time. Lala is also a person I could talk to if I could find her, I know she is very, if not extremely gifted with sneaking, so so knows a thing or two.
But all of this would need to wait abit, I still have a few more things I need to pratice finished with my magic, and therefore I cannot give myself into a new training. I could not justify a new training unless I give myself 100%.
As to diffrent matters are my relations with the people I surround myself with. I learned that Jacchri had his mother slain by a vampire. And immediately after I came to him and spoke to him about what I had heard was true. He confirmed the tragic story, and asked me some questions about the forsakens isles. I was under the impression that I was a close friend to Jacchri, and offered my assistance to him should he need it. But he never asked for it, maybee he already had enough people helping, or perhaps I was not the friend I thought I was.
But on the the good things is the bumble have returned. I have not seen him in person yet, but he have written me several letters, and the constant flux of Dragon's Whisper have begun to fly in again. Also the house seems to be full of activity on his side again, and I have to admit that I missed his compagny.
Lala also invited me along for a trip into the underdark. I was abit surprised as I have not spoke to her directly, or alone, but Its not the first time I have travelled with this capable woman, this veil, as I hear other refer to her as. I hope that I can have a diaglouge with her at one point in the near future. As to the trip, I fell ill mere hours before the departure, so I had to cancel, but im sure more ocasions will rise for me to join.

[Blackguy]

It seems I have overlooked a certain person in which to help me in my path toward a more fullfiling life. I ran into Bumble while I was in my house, he was going through some papers and we had a talk about what I had experienced from the last time we saw each other.
I was able to give him some trinkets, to aid him better when he wants to remain unseen. I think that he wanted to pay for them, but I told him I had other plans with him regarding payment.
We sat in his quiet interview corner, and talked about how I had come to terms with my limitations regarding the magics that I normally pratice. I sat there explaning my reasons for how it had come, and I was sure that he understood how I felt. I asked him if he was able to give me some pointers to how I could expand that skillset that he pratices himself so well.
He was a bit reluctant at first, but after a while he decided that would help me with what I would need. I dont expect this to be easy , and for it to be timeconsuming, but I know that this is the way for me. There is alot to learn about weakness of foes, about how to jump from the very same magic that I cast, and how to pick and open doors, and disarm traps. I told him I had no interested inbecoming a sneaky person, so he could leave out al the training regarding moving silently and hiding from foes.
In the middle of the conversation he said he had to be leaving soon, as he had a gravestone to recover up inside the frindahl fortress. Apparrently he had gone there with Ranewin, Boon, Gold, and Tegan. I told him why he would go with such a person like Tegan. He asked me why. I explained to him that she was nothing more than a second rank trickster without any serious understanding of magic. To venture inthere with that group was the same as to slit one owns throat. But he asked if i could come with him so he could teach me some tricks with the locks and traps inthere.
So we did precisely that. After entering the last room, where the orcs was held up, bumble taught me how to look for the real trap, the trap that aint obvious. I kinda knew alot of this already, but my skills will only let me pratice them to a certain degree. So im glad he could give me a hand. I swiftly dealed with the orcs insde, showing Bumble how to deal with a massed force, and setting up an ambush. I played perhaps abit to much around, but It made him see that if done properly all you need is a wizard.

[Blackguy]

Another decade have past, and another countless hours have been spent infront of the desk reading books, about spells, and I kne wi was running low on spells to pratice, but I didnt know I was this close. It seems my wish to finish as wizard in my late days are not gonna hold true. That reminds me, ive been praticing my lockingpicking alot more, and It seems to go alot better now. for some reason I also seem to dogde blows more easily. I guess all this psysical training have done me good. Im not a musclepack by far, but Im training other mucsles than my brain, and for that im happy.
I was with a group of friends into the Stormhorns not 2 weeks ago, and I cannot express how great it was not to be obligated to cast enhancements and magic on my comrades. Not that they didnt need it, but I decided to step to the front and finnaly use some of all that knowlegde from watching of people fighting. I hit pretty hard if i have to say it myself, but not hard enough. As i said I will never be strong enough to actually hurt anything on pair with the people I watch. While some look to strenght for a wellround fighters, I look to the subtle and gracefull things. People who have to use their wits to survice in a battle. People like Angela. Her combat prowness is a joy to behold, and I someday wish I could be good enough to actually fight by her side, on equal terms. that might not happen, but The other week gavce me hope, and inspiration to proceeed with this training and dedicate myself to the art of fighting.
I have decided I divulge myself to the studies of magic for one season more, that is one decade, and then I will spend fulltime on practicing more graceful oriented combat. I simply wont let me fall back to the dark pit with necromancy I was in, therefore I have to leave what I have done my entire life. Its not an easy choice, but I think that it will be the best for me in the long rung. I have to think more ahead than the next 50-70 years unlike humans, who rarely go above that age in these harsh time.