A lonesome begining

[Hellblazer]

//This page has been cleanly cut out of the journal//

Did I do the right thing? I have no clue. My heart screams to me no, my soul cruses me no either. But I just can't shake the feeling of her slipping away, and before I would get hurt again, I did the unthinkable. I left.

I realize today that I am not strong, that I am not brave like some thinks. I realize today that, even if my heart and my soul will always be for her, that I had made vows to be there with her for the better and worse, until death parted us, in front of Marcus on the little isle in the lake that is our fishing and our spot. That all of these are lies. I am weak, and I am afraid. I am afraid of losing her to the abyss that I saw in the eyes of my brother. In the changes that I saw in Ella the last time I saw her. I am afraid that what I had came to love, would simply vanish and be replaced by the cold and sinister darkness that is like the shadows.

She how ever promised me it would never be, that her love would always be there and that she would never leave. But behind it all, I could feel the distance growing. And as the scared one I always was, deed down inside of me. I simply left. Running away from things that would hurt me, running away from the only one that has mattered for me for years, more than my family, more than myself. And for what? because I am not strong enough to be able to stand by her.

I am so sorry my love, you never deserved the failure I have became, the fragile woman behind a fraudulous act. You deserve so much more, so much more than I could never give.

With a heavy heart today I have left her the gifts she had made me, and the key to our beautiful home. Home that could have been a dark whole into a cave filled with water, that because of her presence, I would have loved living there with her.

But I am too scared to be hurt again. Too scare to lose the one I love, for things that is out of my control.

I am so sorry my love.

[Hellblazer]

//This page has been cleanly cut out of the journal//

I made my new home out of a lake bed
Where the shallow waves soothes my head
In hope that one day, this heart that bled
would find peace into the distance I fled

For this, the birds sings of my past
As if my soul needed a bast
Feeding me memories held fast
Long gone dreams, now are all I hast

Subjugated by this undying fear
My hopes fled the reach of the flaming spears
Though strongly I clung to my souvenirs
Slowly, consummately, I forswear

I look at the road I came thus far
Using my love as a guiding star
Using my love as my stabling spar
But this heart of mine is burned to char

As I close my eyes tonight, slumbering
I know my love, at home, is wondering
Asking how I could leave her heart hurting
Asking how I could take the air a wring

Oh how I hate my frailty
This terror that wraps coldly
my body so empty and weary
O love, I feel my life so faintly

[Hellblazer]

//This page has been cleanly cut out of the journal//

Oh love, I feel so alone
Now that I am on my own
The years before me unknown
Incertitude's set in my bones

Emotions ran through me like a cyclone
My blinding fears, over thy love, outshone
All that I ever believed, overthrown
Dismayed like my teacher, that ugly crone

Is it what I am to become
Old, ugly, hateful and irksome
A shadow of what was, a phantom
My fears as ever, my own thralldom

I wish I had never left your bosom
Where love, like the flowers blossom
to your heart I completely succumb
Subtle and intoxicating venom

But in my distress, I grew tiresome
Burdened by my anxiety I thrum
And so I left your beautiful Kingdom
For ever far from your grace, lonesome

[Hellblazer]

//This page has been cleanly cut out of the journal//

It's been four months since I have left her, without words or explication. Four months where I have been hurting by the choice I have made. And I
realize it hurts more than how my fears were hurting me. I can only imagine what she has gone through, or has she? Did she even care.. I'm sure she did, just a few days before I left, she told me how much she loved me. But I didn't listen.. I was blinded by the fear of seeing the one I love, changed into a darkened self. I always knew she had an other side to the smiling and caring person she is, even more so when Deep gnomes or Dark elf were concerned. We didn't always agree on that. But that was a Side I knew right from the start. And this.. is something I saw into my brother Brian.. and partly in Alatriel.

I remember how I felt when she was taken away, giving herself up for us to continue on our road to save the Ilsarian. I remember the pain I had then.. when I didn't know what would happen, the pain of losing someone I loved again. I can only surmise that she has felt the same pain for at least a short time. I was ready then to die, to give myself up for her to live. I was ready to exchange places with her, to be the one trapped there maybe for eternity. That is how much I love her. But if I loved her that much and I still do, why am I not able to push through this fear? I have been hurt so many times in my life, but now that I had found the one, the one who my fear of wedlock was annihilated by her. Why?

And now with living this simple life, no obligations, no one around, just the white stag and the fishes. And for the few times that someone comes, it is easy for me to just walk away before they even notice me. With all of that, I realize how much she was part of me. How much she gave me strength and the will to fight. All I do since I have left is to sit there and fish for my food, gather the wood. I haven't even touch my Katana since I left the house, and my armor is showing sings of neglect. She's all i have thought, all I could think about. And every strand of my soul is longing for her.

But what if I go back? Would she even accept me after what I have done? What if she doesn't? I don't know what to do. I may have alienated the only good thing, the only good person that I have ever had in my life.

[Hellblazer]

//This page has been cleanly cut out of the journal//

I have came back, under disguise, and roamed through Krandor looking at our house.. or what used to be our house. How I miss her, it's been more than a year now, and still my heart bleeds for my decision. Many times, have I wandered toward the door and stopped myself just short of knocking. I bet she has forgotten me by now, she was always the strongest of the two. Always able to jump right back after a situation, while I was always struggling.

I am more afraid now than I was before, this is ludicrous. I don't understand myself sometimes, most of the times. I also went to check on Valanca. She seems well fed and taken cared of.

I wish I knew what to do, or had a sign.. any kind.. from her.

[Hellblazer]

I've decided that I would take my chances today. She may still be mad, may not want to do anything with me anymore, or she may forgive me which I truly hope she will do. But when I finally knocked on the door, she was not home. I decided to leave her a letter which I have slid under the door, including the last pages I had written into my dairy, hoping she would understand why I did what I did and how much I regreted it.

Now I will wait, already it is an agony for em, because I hope with all my soul she will find it in her to forgive me. I should never have left and it has eaten at my soul ever since. She is my sweet, the love of my life, I should have found the strength in that not to be afraid, but I wasn't able to at the time. I just wish now to prove to her I can, if she leaves me a chance to do so.

I will bid my time and wait for her answer, if there is one. The inn in Krandor is making a fortune with me staying there that is for sure.

Ilsare.. I know you have not approved of the path I took, but I pray to you today, to put the seed of forgiveness in her heart and that her love for me has not withered for my stupidity. I am a foolish girl.. but wish to grow old by her side.

[Hellblazer]

It has been three months since I have left the letter and waited at the Krandor's in, without any answer from her. She might have been on an extended leave, or maybe she has made her choice.. I do not know, and deep inside me I keep hoping. Although, the inn is very comfortable, I miss our bed and the warmth of her arms. I had to start selling my possessions though, as I had no money left to pay for the room and food.

I was holding a rapier, an adamantium one. There was a time she talked about learning to use a sword and I thought this would be perfect, and I had bought it for her. Selling it today was the saddest thing I ever had to do ever since I brought my aunt body back to the angels hall, but not as painful and hurtful as leaving her.

I was somewhat taken back at who wanted it.. Raziem, an old friend of our couple. Someone Gala and I grew fond of... in a friendship way. And so before I replied to the note in the market trade hall, I bought a new garb and a new hood with my last bit of coins and fashioned them in something he would not be able to recognize me with, I hope. I also came up with the idea of not being able to speak, and since my face and one of my arms were covered, I came up with the story of being attacked by lions and hurt. It seemed to work, but he was still his old self, putting out a kiss as an extra payment, but I refused mutely. He also gave me more trues than I had asked, he can be a sweetheart when he wants to.

I'm not sure why I do that, maybe I just feel the need to hide my pain from every one.. I don't know. I just don't feel complete anymore, ever since I left my love.

[Hellblazer]

I decided to go and venture a bit into the world, having modified my armor and helmets and shield. And at first I stumbled on a few people I knew. Some I did not tell, some I wanted too.. others.. Sall was arguing with Abiorn in Prantz. For a while I though they were going to go head to head and kill each others, but that didn't happened.

A few days later I met a lot of people I knew in fort Miritix.. and I had to find a pen name fast.. I chose Natasha. don't know why, just seemed plain enough I guess. Some of them were not wanted to travel with me because I was wearing a mask and hood and wrote instead of speaking. But the few that staid went to the forge and then an under water cavern and a secluded Island. It was a great trip, dangerous. It was somewhat strange to travel with Aerimor again, and I was hoping he wouldn't find out.. seeing that.. wel.. better that he did not. At one point though I had no choice but to use my sword.. the only thing I didn't have the heart to change. I am glad he didn't even noticed.

*looks at a blue dragon scale*

I wonder how much that is worth.

Traveling again.. makes me sad. I kept thinking of Gala and how we used to travel the world together. I miss her so much.

[Hellblazer]

You can trust your own blood to be able to sniff you out or remember all your little scars that could show, to find out who you are even if you are disguesed. I never thought I would stumble on them, but I did. At first I didn't speak to Elgon when he sniffed me out and I am sure it puzzled him. But I was never able to stay away or mad, or even hidden from Ayana, even if I wanted to. She has her ways to bring me out, and yet again she had her way. I explained to both of them why I had disappeared. Ayana at first thought that Galathea had hurted me, when in fact she never had. It was my own fears that did. She asked me if I would keep trying to hide, or if I would confront my fears and go to her, which I told her I had.. but had gotten no news from her. She was sadden when I told her I would wait it out, all my life if I needed to. It was my own doing, and so it is how it will be. If Gala chooses to forgive me, it is her choice. If she chooses for me to be back by her side, it is her choice. But if she chooses that I am unworthy of her love and her presence, then I will have brought this uppon myself and I will live all my life with the memories and consequences of my action and fears. Ever since we have been together, she was always the one for me, never once have I been unfaithful to her. And so, even if she chooses the later, I will keep my promise that we made on the little island of stone, in front of Marcus, when he wed us.

For now though, I try to travel a little, incognito. Maybe that is not helping her.. I don't know. Maybe I should fully assume the mistake I made. I just don't think that this should be of public knowledge. It's none of their business. But.. maybe she is just waiting for me to show up and assume in front of every one my fears... I just don't know, I would if she would tell me that it is what she wanted. But since I have had no news yet.. I just don't know what to do ... really.

[Hellblazer]

*sitting down in Mariner's hold, contemplating with her recent death, Sil writes in her journal.*

These are my last will, as I am closer and closer of vanishing out of the realm of the living.

To my family, I leave them with my instruments, and my undying love.

To Ayana more particularly, I leave her my beloved horse. I know she will take care of her as much as I have.

All of my possessions, I leave to my beloved Galathea. Gold, weapons, all that I have. I know she may not want them, or care for them. But it puts me at peace to know that I write these down before my dying breath, and hope for her forgiveness.

I leave also in Galathea's care, the decision of where and how I am to be exposed on the day that I leave this world.

May my family and my love ever forgive me for the transgressions I have made against them throughout my life.

Signed
Sil'via Serissa In'Darsus.

*She sends a copy to the rofireinite temple of Vehl and one to her uncle Lex'or.*

[Hellblazer]

I have seen her, traveled with her, gave her that blue dragon scale I had found. I think she knew it was me even under this disguised because when I asked forgiveness, she didn't sound surprised at all. There was no effusion of love, or forgiveness... just.. what seemed to be.. passiveness. As if there was no more care there, that I didn't mean anything more than any one else there on that trip.

I tried my best to protect her how ever. Somethings just doesn't change. I even took her defense and gotten what she wanted. The history books of the town, I have managed to convinced the sailor that found us, to let me bring them to have copied made. I have traveled back there after a few months, to hand the books back in person with my gratitude. And I have sent the copies to her house. I hope she opens the package and not throw it away, it was not easy to copy all of that.

I don't know what to do now.. should I give up hope, just leave again... I don't know.

[Hellblazer]

I'm so confused...

I was minding my own business the other day, playing my guitar far away from anyone, in the forest. When I saw Hedessa and Ben arrive. I said to myself they would simply pass and Ben wouldn't recognize me, but then I saw Galathea follow not to far behind.. my heart stopped and my hand froze.

When she saw me she smiled and said aah the woman in red, and then closer to me she winked so the others wouldn't see. And then she gave me a gentle hug. She even took my defense against Ben as he was his usual arse. But I didn't feel like arguing.. my days of arguing are over.. I just want a peaceful life.. with her. I don't care of the rest. The running around.. the fighting.. all of that.. has no meaning to me now. But all through that trip, she also reassured me that my voice would come back to me like before.

But I'm confused because, as much as she was closer to me than on that island.. as much she left me confused when we parted ways. I was looking at her, I'm sure she saw how confused I was, not knowing what she wanted, or what all of that meant. But all I had was a gentle smile and she dissipated into her invisibility before leaving.

But at least... I had the blessing of spending some time with her.. maybe there will be more.. I hope so.. maybe this is just a step.. I don't know.. I'm confused.

[Hellblazer]

*The page is stained with tear drops and ink spots.*

She smiles at me, gives me tenderness, says she has forgiven me. She even gives me back a key to her house. But she says she doesn't want me back. Maybe in the future, but for now her heart is burdened and unable to be opened.

What have I done... what .. have .. I done? *the ink blotches out as it appears the quill staid motionless for a little while*

What will I do now.. how can I go on.. Sarah says I will find a new path to walk on.. but.. i don't want any.. technically we .. are still married. Unless she has gotten the wedlock annulled. I.. do not want anyone else..

[Hellblazer]

My hand still hurts, and I have a scarr on it. Happened while I was helping my love with a mission that she was appointed to by her churh. Dark elves, spiders.. magical orbs, the whole works. I tried my best but I wasn't strong enough. I knew what had to be done.. but I just couldn't do it. Gal wanted me to use her, but even if I tried, I didn't have the heart to tell her I had no effect at all, not after he told me she was proud of me. I lost her already, didn't want to lose that either.

so now I have a huge scar on my hand, where my ring of bull strength exploded, I think I still have a shard or two in there too. But I don't care.. it was for Gala.. it is worth it.

it is worth it for the love I have for her, and because.. she has gain new erspect within her church. An alexendrite.. I can not even say how much that makes me proud of her.