Fantasy Classifieds

[LightlyFrosted]

*Opening up a paper from some fantastic realm might get you a treasure map.. or just the want-ads.*

Wanted: Strong-willed, low-level Hob-.. halfling, to accompany 13 dwarves & Wizard on quest. Thief skills a plus.

For Sale: Slightly Rust-monster eaten longsword. Useful for bashing people over the head with what's left of the hilt. Will take best offer.

Missing: Capable manservant answering to the name 'Renfield'. May eat some bugs. If found, please leave somewhere near the entrance to the Vehl crypts.

See the world!: But only those continents appropriate to your level.

[Honora]

Looking for: Paladin, male. Human Toranite preferred, however a Voraxian dwarf will be considered with commensurate experience and boot lifts. Must be able to strike heroic poses and come up with snappy moralistic one-liners during combat. Must have clean past record - no brooding anti-heroes need apply.

Job will include slaying evil, rescuing hapless townsfolk from their own stupidity (or occasional rampaging orcs and trolls), and bickering with the party thief until a) a strange rapport is reaching (if party thief is male) or b) a romantic pull is felt and repeatedly resisted for dramatic tension (if party thief is female). A sign-on bonus will apply if the applicant is human and the party thief is a female elf. A hazard bonus will apply if the applicant is human and the party thief is a female dwarf.

Pay based on experience and squareness of jawline. References required. Applicant is expected to take less loot than rest of party based on alignment and church restrictions.

[Crizzan]

Wanted: Sword that will swing itself to defend its owner. Preferably unbeatable and able to deal with multiple opponents coming from different directions. Able to slay anything with one stroke a plus. Absolute loyalty to owner required. Contact shady character at bar.

[Krug]

Wanted: Evil minons who will work for almost free. Need to be able to work on weekends and even some holidays. (Taking over the world is a full time job) Apllicantes will need to travel, so its a great way to see the world until The Dark Lord takes over it. Travel oppurtunties, free ale, and all the loot you can carry!

Please bring resumes to Overload Inc.

[Krug]

Wanted: New gravedigger one with a strong back and good work effort. Please turn in applications at to Stiff's mortuary.

Stiff's Mortuary you stab em' me slab em'

Stiff's Mortuary they die we dig!

[lonnarin]

See the world, Meet New People, Set their houses on Fire!

Uncle Sinthar Needs YOU! for the Bloodstone Armies. The Mistonians, Rodelmites, Krashinites, Suadrians, Dregarians, Voltrexians, Aquatics and Underdarkians hate us for our FREEDOM, let us tackle this Axis of Evil together! These Terrorists have been desecrating our glorious Bloodwells, assassainating our generals and DARING to fight back when we come to liberate their children from the crib. Their divisive tactics will not work!

High pay and glorious pension plans for all involved, with a loot and pillage retirement plan in effect. Black Wizard mage acadamy tuition paid in full for promising members!

[lonnarin]

Missing: One intricately gilded silver rapier with gold hilt and bastinet. Cold to the touch and highly magical; answers to the name "Coup de Grace". Last seen vacationing with strange cloaked fellow near the river north of Krandor. Many bloody splotches seen around the shore, foul play suspected!

[Pseudonym]

I always wanted the farming system implemented so I could place the following classified.

"Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night."

[Pseudonym]

The Leringard Arms

"A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms."



Why must my posts always hint at naughtiness? Honestly, I start the day with the best of intentions

[lonnarin]

The clergy of Aeriden is pleased to announce the union between Mr. Arkolio De'Averlain and Mr. Arkolio De'Averlain. May the happy couple live well and flourish showing himself the same love through timeless years of marraige with passion as strong as the first day he met. Romantically, the ceremony was held the very same place of their first encounter, in front of the mirror of Leringard Arms. After tearfully exchanging vows, (I do, and so do I) the happy couple kissed himself to much uneasy celebration and whisked himself off to a luxurious honeymoon.

[Pseudonym]

'Why not?'

With those two words late on Friday night, my good friend Bishop Barvanth changed the course of my weekend. He spoke those 2 fateful words after just having spent two hours on the telephone arguing with Rofirein discussing various sections of the dogma in excruciatingly fine detail.

He pointed out that the Layo equivalent of Leviticus warns Rofireinites not to marry their sister, aunt, mother, mother-in-law, daughter or even their granddaughter (should they be tempted). But nowhere in the good book is there a rule against marrying oneself. So when I told the Bish that was exactly what I wanted to do, he eventually agreed.

Anyway, once I convinced my good mate the Bishop to let me marry the man of my dreams, I had to convince my mum and dad. I have to say that between an international religion (however flawed), firmly established for millennia, and my own humble parents, the folks were far more difficult to persuade.

My mother just wouldn't take it seriously at first. OK, very few people took it seriously, but I needed her to know I meant it. Mom kept asking me silly things like 'Why marry - can't you just live with this man?' or 'What will you wear for the wedding?'

Sadly, it also drove my father quite mad. Literally. The day after the wedding he spent scribing up articles for a wide variety of news journals, record books and PenNPopper's newsletters.

I would have hoped that I could trust my friends to be sympathetic towards my cause, but I think it was all a bit of a joke for them. Some few were supportive, but most just spent a lot of time making fun of me. Some of the wedding presents I received from them were quite demeaning: Non-PG-rated scrolls, lion skin gloves, even a ceiling mirror. Also, i'm still peeved at them for not stifling their mirth when the Bishop recited the marriage vows: 'Will you keep yourself as a husband, to live as one in marriage? Will you love and comfort yourself, obey and honour yourself in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer and be faithful to yourself as long as you shall live?'

I had a great first night with myself, gambling away all my savings with nobody to nag me about how much money I was spending. I had a penthouse suite in the Leringard Inn for the night of my self-union.

I had many reasons for getting married when I did, apart from the tax benefits of course (trying to make the guy at the Layo-IRS understand that I was my own spouse was hell). Ever since I understood the concept of wedlock, I have longed for a partner that I could trust. I wanted to have someone with me always, to whom I could tell all my deepest, darkest secrets without having them laugh at me. I realised that my perfect partner was closer to home than anyone could have realised.

Altogether, I thought this marriage would be a great success. I rarely argued with my new spouse; in fact I find myself to be the best conversation holder around. The few times that I do argue, I always win. And the boudoir antics are, well - it will be whatever I make of it.

There was some media intrusion of course. I found some of their articles on me amusing, and others quite offensive, especially the ones dubbing me the most conceited and narcissistic man in the world. I don't think I'm such an egotist, I just happen to enjoy my own company. Is this a sin????

And then a few days later, it all changed. I suppose it was a hormonal thing, a stage of life or something, that made me suddenly crave a child. So after weighing up the pros and cons I decided to split up from my husband in order to find a new wife. I had a chat with the Bishop and he informed me that I couldn't just file for a divorce on a moment's notice. I had to have legitimate justification. Curiously, wanting a baby wasn't on the list of good reasons to divorce.

As the Bishop explained, I could only divorce if I had been living apart from my spouse for at least a year which would be difficult without major surgery or if my spouse had treated me cruelly or been imprisoned for at least a year. I wasn't particularly willing to beat myself up a bit or lounge around in prison just so I could divorce myself. That left few options. Adultery. I just had to be with someone other than myself and I could be free from the bonds of marriage.

And so it was that I reluctantly removed my wedding ring and started searching for a mate. I think my mother was relieved when I told her that my relationship with myself was coming to an end. I expected it to take me quite a while to find someone who was both willing to be with me and who hadn't read the Dragon's Whisper enough to know that I was already married. Anyways, eventually mission accomplished. It was fantastic! I suppose however it wasn't great for her - I had been flying solo for some time now.

The divorce was easy after that. It seemed that the church was keen to split me apart, as if my marriage had been a big mistake. I felt quite lonely for several hours after the break-up.

I imagine it will take a little while to find a good wife who won't think she'll be marrying into a threesome. In the meanwhile, I will write an autobiography with the title - "Arkolio - the legend who married himself" (It's a WIP title).