Rules for Dating my Daughter

cappyra · 09-12-05, 07:38 AM

For you fathers out there with daughters here is a good 10 rules to go by. My daughter is 4 but hey... gotta plan early... and guns will only get more expensive with time... =P

Haha Enjoy =)

10 Rules For Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so
long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your
friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded
about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door
with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will
not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in
fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will
take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to
your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a
"barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it
comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other,
we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an
indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my
house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you
will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If
you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and
more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on
time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on
her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate
Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't
you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within
eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,
holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is
warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff
T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down
parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual
theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding,
middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter,
I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where
you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel,
and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in
my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring
my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit
your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter
password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely
and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come
inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Dorganath · 09-12-05, 07:44 AM

Oh man...
I have two daughters now...*groans*
*goes looking for more ammo*

Andrios · 09-12-05, 08:02 AM

heh heh. Thanks. I have 2 daughters, 4 and 2. Like you said, never to early to start planning. Now I just need to buy some camoflauge.

IDii · 09-12-05, 08:12 AM

Uh... I don't like those.

But I don't really have daughters so that might be it.

ZeroVega · 09-12-05, 08:19 AM

� Hehe, I don't have any daughters (Well Duh) but I do have three sisters and I'd feel the same way if I wasn't afraid of them. Trust me, I'd almost feel worse for the first guy to try and take advantage of one of them...�"almost" �

Lalaith Va'lash · 09-12-05, 08:35 AM

Alright!� When did you talk to my father?
*laughs* seriously though.. sounds just like him.

IDii · 09-12-05, 08:41 AM

Quote:

Lalaith Va'lash - 9/12/2005 9:35 PM Alright! When did you talk to my father?
*laughs* seriously though.. sounds just like him.

Seriously? Eep.

Vincent · 09-12-05, 08:45 AM

#10 is great.

regnus · 09-12-05, 08:55 AM

I prefer the Uncle Buck wave the machete so the poor guy can see it.

Or maybe sharpening it as he comes to pick them up.

Magnulas · 09-12-05, 09:37 AM

*mumbles something about grumpy old men*

*starts to run before he get his head crushed by Derrick*

**Acacea** · 09-12-05, 09:59 AM

I had a semi-amusing reply to this but I couldn't find a way to phrase what the "rules" for myself were without making me out to be a crazy-psycho woman who hates the world, and really that's just inaccurate.

It was just to emphasize the "If she's dating you, you're probably not a total idiot, but mistakes do happen." slant to how things work here.

Guardian 452 · 09-12-05, 10:01 AM

I have had this list for months.... It wil be implemented soon when my girls take interest in boys. :P

**twidget658** · 09-12-05, 10:53 AM

I am a firm believer of actions speaking louder than words.

When the young man is standing at the door and you slowly crawl out of the bushes (that he just walked by) with a bowie knife, full camouflage, and a deadly look on your face; that says a lot right there. And, letting him know that you could kill him with just one hit is also effective.

Talan Va'lash · 09-12-05, 01:03 PM

@Lala and ID - yeah, she's pretty right... except for #10. He's not crazy, just protective and owns a lot of guns :P

@Twidget - yeah... it says a lot... about the chances of one spending much of the near future in a government run protective facility.

-TV

Eight-Bit · 09-12-05, 01:07 PM

I've changed my ex-girlfriend's father's oil before, while I waited for her to come home from work. But, at the time I was just a habit at her house, having been great friends with her older brother since about... 1st grade in schoolin'.

Silyn Cadreus · 09-12-05, 04:02 PM

I have one daughter - I can sympathize with this guy:

There was a farmer who was very protective of his daughters. Before
every date, he would meet the young man at the porch with his shotgun,
and if he didn't measure up, he'd make sure they left.

One day all three of his daughters were going out on the same night.
The first young man drove up and approached the porch.

"Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here to get Flo, we're going to the show - is
she ready to go?" The farmer thought this was a bit strange, but called Flo down and the two departed.

Shortly, the next guy drove up and approached the porch.
"Hi, my name is Freddy. I'm here to get Betty, we're going for
spaghetti - is she ready?" The farmer also thought this was a bit weird, but he called Betty down and the two left.

Soon the third guy drove up and approached the porch.
"Hi, my name is Chuck..." and the farmer shot him.

Filatus · 09-12-05, 04:08 PM

Alright, never went to the folks of any girlfriend... and I'm bloody sure I'll never do it after this post. *shivers*

Zhofe · 09-12-05, 04:17 PM

I have a little sister.

Any of her boyfriends won't take long to figure out who the creep in the black van who has been following them is ..... it won't matter for too long after he finds out either ... dead men don't care ...

Do you know there are about 21 different ways to kill a man with a spoon?

Serissa · 09-14-05, 09:38 AM

Ah, guys, so much needless work!� Just produce a little brother: a natural born spy, tattle-tale, and extortionist.� Then inform the daughter that she goes nowhere without this model chaperone until she goes down the aisle.
Yes, my parents really did that to me.