The ponderings of a Humble Servant

[Redhawk]

10 Junar 1402

Finally tracked town Q.  That man is too busy for his own good. We talked a lot about my indecision.  Basically he pointed out to me that avenging the trauma of Pranzis isn’t separate from being an undead slayer.  He reminded me that I know in my heart what Toran called me for.  I sat in the temple and prayed.  I fasted for a week.  And listened.  

I will be there when that ugly little dwarf finally looses his delusion of control and hopefully his head.  And I hope to be there as a member of the Shining Hand.  I’m still waiting for them to tell me how they view my application, I’m still waiting for them to call me into action.  If they don’t call me, then it is Toran’s will.  I will get up tomorrow and pick up my sword and bring Toran’s light to the dark places.  

Q gave me a new sword and some lessons on spells to use.  Evil had better run in fear form me.  Despite a trip to the bindstone in the desert cave, I’m a force to be reckoned with.  I feel bad though,  I’ve had an old friend make me some enchantments to change the sword from electricity to fire.  I feel better when I’m close to fire.  I’m sure Q will understand.  I’ve changed the one KD gave me too.  I can’t wait to wield it.  I’m getting closer.

[Redhawk]

21 Febra 1404

Found this at the bottom of my satchel. Been a while. Hmm… almost two years. Been busy I guess. Undead proliferate, but the Shining Hand has yet to get back to me. I suppose they’ve been busy sorting out all issues with leadership and the destruction of the HQ in Pranzis.

I’m doing well. I travel the land, dealing punishment to evil where ever I find it. Toran’s blessing run’s strong thru me, I am the hand of his justice.  I went with Q and others into a dungeon plagued by vampires.  A lich surprised us and on the way back and I was killed. Powerful magic on that one, it felt like he used all of his magic to destroy me and left himself weak and vulnerable to Q, MD, RA, and KD.  My hair, well what was left of it has stopped growing.  I don’t even have stubble anymore and I think my eyebrows have all gone white.  And I’m accumulating scars. My physical beauty fades as my faith grows stronger and my power increases.  I spoke with a cleric and he brought me a whistle and a saddle and told me that with my faith so strong, all I have to do is blow the whistle and a horse will come to be at my disposal.  The horses that the church keeps are so beautiful.  White and powerful. I feel honored to be upon there back as I ride into battle.

MM and H are having a party.  I think this is going to be there big debut as a couple, maybe even a marriage ceremony.  I asked the clerics and I need to go get myself a dress. I was told to show up and bring flowers and wine.  I  hate parties, but for them, this I will do. Off to try on a dress. I hope they don’t laugh when they see what I’ve been hiding beneath my hood.

[Redhawk]

Sunra, Junar 1, 1404
Toran Bless me, maybe dad was right.  By my own calculations it’s been four years since I applied to join the slayers and the Shining Hand.  Q is accumulating apprentices like Pranzis is accumulating committees.  I see him maybe once a year, if that and hardly enough for him to be considered my mentor.  I respect him and value all that he has taught me, half of who I am today I owe to him, but it seems that Toran has other plans for me.  Plans that I had no idea would come to light.  I remember two years ago, being adrift and wondering if I had the stuff to be a Champion of the Church, but I held fast to the idea of me as a slayer.  
For the last two years I’ve been living in the temple, back to the days of my youth, but I have so much more world experience that I bring to my discussions.  Toran has blessed me mightily and keeps blessing me everyday.  The loss, the surrender to the idea that I will never be a slayer has come to me.  My heart seems to be softening – I actually tried dancing at MM and H’s party. DANCING!  I have begun to fear death.  To worry that I will have my soul devoured and I will not be able to give this love Toran gives to me to the world.  I have begun discussing with the church clerics the possibility of training in there healing arts, of learning their ways.  I imagine it is not that big a shift to move from Paladin, warrior, to cleric.  With the Justicar still an empty seat; with so much of the leadership of our glorious church in disarray, I can see how the trainings of my Paladin hood and the powers of the Priesthood would make me an excellent leader. Instead of being Q’s liege, I would be his equal, His partner in resurrecting the glory of Toran’s might. I am always so at peace when I let go of my own stubborn ideas and follow The Great Leader’s pushes and pulls.

[Redhawk]

Mulnari, Jular 2, 1404
I found another side to Toran. I’ve been praying hard and talking with the clerics here at Fort Llast.  I feel myself opening in ways I’ve not realized I was closed. In these years I’ve spent as a paladin, I’ve sought to bring The All Watching’s power to bear on the evil and injustice in this world.  His power was that of enforcement and punishment.  But I’ve come to see that He loves us, He seeks justice for us because He loves all the creatures of the world and it torments him the cruelties that we bring upon each other.  I am stepping over the threshold and I have faith that his embrace will welcome me into this new life, I imagine this is what it must feel like to fall madly in love.  I know that I will be weaker at first, and my response to the cleric who reminded me of this was that I would just have to be more careful of where I travel.  The church needs me and this is the place Toran is pushing me.  I just have to cross the threshold and let go of myself.

The church needs me.  All things that have happened happen for a reason, yet I’m confused by the finger pointing.  Our prime cathedral was lost when Pranzis was sacrificed to destroy Blood.  Instead of this being a rallying cry, a unification of the besmirched and fragmented church, we are given an effort to pin the blame on MD.  Tear down a great one instead of pull together in the ashes and birth a true church of Toran’s blessing.  There are too many men in the leadership, all they know is war and the push for victory, they do not understand birth.  They do not understand nurturing.  I must no longer ignore Toran’s call to me. I must no longer lead with my self-pride and the hope for greatness.  I am no longer Maev O’Leary, Paladin; I am Maev, humble servant of Toran.

[Redhawk]

Wedlar, Novlar 4, 1404

My soul is rushing into the light.  A river burst from its dam and washing away the dry sands.  Every night I dream and he is there, not there as a person, but as a warm embrace.  Holding me in the darkness of dream, and all of my wounds are healed. I awake to my pillow stained with tears of happiness and I find the clerics and take up my studies.  

I went into the Grey Mountains with a force seeking to vanquish the ogers and giants amassed and harassing travelers.  Two fell in an epic battle.  As I looked at there bodies, lifeless and bleeding, I wept.  I could feel Toran’s energy tingling through me differently, but I don’t know how to assist them.  Soon. Soon.  I will serve him with all my being and all will be safe in my presence.  And even death’s reach will be limited.

[Redhawk]

Threas, Mai 5, 1405
I can’t take the waiting. I’ve almost permanently moved myself to Dalanthar. I can’t remember the last time I was in Hlint. I remember the last time I was in Llast.  MD’s trial. Maybe we have lost our way, maybe we have set up so many rules that we no longer can see the forest because of the trees.  Here, in this outpost town, where the chaos is so close and could swallow these desperate souls at any moment, I am confronted with the naked truth of my destiny.  Toran’s truth is to make order out of chaos, to protect this world from the terror of evil and chaos.  MD’s trial has me convinced we may have lost our way.  I will take the oath and maybe I will live here in the outposts, among the wounded and bleeding, among those terrorized by chaos and I will bring The Great Leader’s hope into the dark places.  I will live outside the insestuous church heirarchy, where all that matters is position and title and those like MD who are naturally strong in Toran’s love are ripped apart.  Let them come for me, you can’t hurt me if I refuse to participate in your pomp and circumstance.  As I lean into this destiny, He carry’s my fear away like the sun burning off fog.  I’ve taken much from the clerics and the books, but I’ve come to know him more by being alone.  Fasting and praying and aiding friends in the battle against chaos.  

On a happier note, one of my first acts as cleric will be to marry H and MM.  My two dear friends,  companions in most of my battles.  H and I have grown strong together and they have taught me so much about love.  And I’m sure that is why I can walk so confidently into my shifting destiny.  Toran’s blessing is overwhelming.

[Redhawk]

Wedlar, Novlar 4, 1405

He waits for me.  I feel like a bride on her wedding day must feel.  I do not regret the years chasing my father’s footsteps. I do not regret all that I’ve learned and all that I’ve seen. I know now what it is to love, to love without hesitation.  To embrace a truth so great and so beautiful, that standing in it’s presence makes you weep.  The mortal love of those who walk about in flesh is powerful and I appreciate what they all must feel.  But this, this divine love, is something more. Something epic.  This is not for everyone, your head and heart and body aches with the power of divine love.  

The soul mother seems to have taken a fondness too me.  I feel my life slipping away and I’ve stopped sleeping for days at a clip for fear that I will loose my grip on this plane before I can accomplish what I was put here for… No that is wrong.  I will do only what I’ve been put here for, Toran will see to that and should the soul mother devour my life before I think I’m done, then that is his will.  I can not pretend to know his plans for me, all I can do is love him and know that he loves me.

The church needs me. The do not know how to deal with the demon-dwarf who holds the throne in Pranzis, they do not know how to rally around any cause in a constructive manner.  Instead they run headlong into battle like fools or they debate infinitely about the proper course of action. I must show them a third way. I must …

Corath followers are advertising in Hlint.  I’ve been in the woods too long. Time to deal justice.  The Priest I trained with initially has called me back to Fort Llast for one final absolution and then… and then I take my  *the writing is smudged by a tear drop here* I thought I would die in a dark unknown crypt and only be whispered about.  I have caught fire with the purpose of my life.  Blessed is the All Watching, blessed are those who live in his light.

[Redhawk]

Wedlar, Mar 25, 1406

I have taken my vows. It was the most amazing moment of my life.  QW actually presided over them and initiated the ceremony.  I’m sure he planned to preside over a different ceremony, but he embraced the role with the dignity I’ve come to know and respect from him.  If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t have resisted for so long.  My insitance of being like my father has meant that I’ve given little more than lipservice to His, to Toran.  I’ve been anything but a humble servant.  Willful, obstinate and stubborn.  A hypocrite.  Now I’ve truly swung into balance, now I know what Toran has been patiently been hoping for from me.  I walk as one with the universe, the clouds seem more beautiful, the air tastes cleaner, the people seem more beautiful.  QW knew all those years ago that this was my destiny and I resisted.  

H and MM showed up bearing gifts and B and PF and so many others spoke below his altar about how much they respect me and how strong my faith is.  If only I had listened to them more instead of told them what I was doing.  I am so loved.  I am so lucky.  My mother must be beaming from the afterlife.

[Redhawk]

Sunra, Decilar 22, 1406

Back in Delanthar.  I’ve taken a room here at the inn and the innkeeper seems to keep it empty when I’m out of town. It’s a nice quiet town and if feels close to what I would call home.  The temple is far from the action, and I can do more representing Toran’s love to these people here among them than a continent away in Mistone. Besides, it’s nice to have a bed and some privacy. I’m getting too old to sleep in a common room on a hard floor. I am weary, I’m excited, but my body is weary from the many battles.  Toran’s love sustains me, the power to go on lies in the knowledge that He needs me. I had a weapon smith named Lillian make me a stronger sword and Sa’kura gave me fire and silver washes.  A very very nice blade, with Toran’s prayers over it, it hits strong and provides a nice way to battle back chaos. The real joy has been in the healings I can now provide. I can channel Toran’s love thru me and it is a great joy to be able to heal so much – I am a walking talking bandaid. Also, a great victory for the forces of  law and order. It meant aiding Shindaleria, but when you can strike a blow against Mist sometimes you have to make allies with those who you distaste – besides I know that Shindalerians have a soft spot for us Toranites.  Maybe I can improve relations between the two churches – having an ally among the sea folk would be wise, especially because that chaotic witch Mist holds so much sway in the watery realm. At Honora’s request, I aided a group in restoring an Avatar of Shindaleria in a sunken city lost to us after the cataclysm. Mist must be furious and I do hope that my efforts along with fellow church brother Lucius, go a long way towards gaining Toran a new ally. Honora is talking in of bringing to the surface the sunken city of Estabania, and I believe this too would be important for me to help on as far as bringing Shindaleria and Toran into and alliance of sorts. I do my part. Especially when it comes to crushing the power of Mist.

Worried about Honora, MM seems to be missing and she’s not heard from him in some time. She asked me to move into an empty room in their house. She seems lonely and I would love to oblige. Again it would be nice to have a  real home. But I think she’s doing something undercover against the Demon dwarf and I worry that my presence would blow her cover. I don’t lie well and I am working with the resistance. I’m also a known agitator. Which reminds me. Rhynn approached me about putting together a meeting with the resistance and an action she wished to take. I gave her my word but then she proved to be a very unstable and untrustworthy ally. Working to aid Shindaleria, she seemed to sulk, fly off the handle and become so moody that I worried her effectiveness on anything that required discretion. So I’ve let it go for now, I didn’t use her name, but I warned the resistance that she is interested and may represent a lose cannon.