The life of love

[Alazira]

*Zira sits in a bed with the lamp by the bed on.  Next to her curled up close is a man sleeping peacefully, but holding on to her.  She picks up a brand new journal and begins writing in a very girly loopy handwriting*

I am not normally big on writing journals, but I realized this morning as I woke up in my lovers' arms that this time I have is precious and I should write it down so that I may treasure it later in life.  I have done so many things since leaving home, that I don't know that I really know where to start if it isn't with those I love.

There are various types of love and the love of a sibling is the whole reason I left home.  The reason for coming here was to find my two half-siblings.  I have always had my twin, Zakariem or Zak, but upon arriving here I got Razeriem also known as Raz and Zarianna or Zari.  I laugh every time I see our names and how odd our father is in believing letters in a name make people stronger, then I look at how strong our family is and begin to wonder if he is on to something.  

In any case, though we have had our ups and downs, I have grown to love them both dearly.  I find it amusing that they both have so much Ilsarian in them and they don't even realize it.  Raz is a sculptor and art is a very important part of his life.  It is like walking through an art gallery when you walk through his house.  He will never admit it, but I think he flirts with every girl he comes across in hopes of finding love for himself.  He loves Zari deeply, those two are two pees in a pod.  I have no doubt he loves me, but he'll never love me one tenth of what he does her.  

Zari herself says she doesn't believe in love, then professes it to Raz or myself regularly.  She doesn't realize it all comes from the same place in our hearts.  Her art is to design clothes, which are always fabulous.  I am lucky she likes reds and whites, it means I get to raid her closet regularly.  She also draws wonderful sketches of those she loves.  I just wish that whatever has happened in her past to make her flee from love hadn't happened.. But now that it has, I wish the right guy would come and help her through her issues.  She has so much love to give, but won't trust anybody with her heart.  Both she and Raz just don't think their true love is out there I don't think, but they both wish everyone else the happiness.  It is frustrating to see.

Raz, Zari, and I have only ever really fought about one thing.  Shocker of all shockers, it was over love, over a man.  A wonderful man that I am madly in love with.  Our story is an interesting one, with its ups and downs, but always filled with love.

I met him, M'Love, Argos Stargazer, when I was going thru a time that I thought I was cursed.  Everyone whom I met was breaking up or having doubts about their current relationship.  Because of that, I don't really remember much of him the first time we met.  I was busy lecturing a friend on love.  It was a hard time for me though, being a love priestess to see everyone having their hearts broken.  I know that having your heart broken is a part of love, however it was the only side of love I was seeing for a while.  Lucky for me, my brother Raz had a trip to an Ilsarian temple/party planned and while I was there I had a confession of sorts with another priestess. She eased my heart.

Back on story however, so Argos and I fought together a few times, but I always thought he didn't like me much because (and here comes drama #1 in our relationship) his god is not a fan of my goddess.  Ilsare thinks Toran is a ok, but not the other way around.  He was always very formal and stuffy, I would go so far as to call him a prude.  Well, as fate would have it, his girlfriend fell in love with another.  Of course, this was during my "cursed" time, so I half blamed myself.  By the time I found him, he was half out of his mind with grief and hurt.  He was blaming me personally for his break up because I was Ilsarian, but of course that didn't help my cursed status any.  He was bound and determined to fight goblins, but in the state he was in, he didn't even realize he was being hurt by them.  He kept insisting he had tripped over a root as opposed to realized that the arrow sticking out of him was the cause of the blood.  I tagged along, mostly to make sure he didn't get himself killed.  I comforted him best I could considering to him it was all my fault.

Next I saw him after that, he was drunk off his bum.  The prudish Argos was gone and in his place was a drunk.  Again, I watched over him and that night I was deemed "Star Eyes" because in his drunken state my eyes looked like stars to him.  It is ironic that what turned out to be his pet name for me started in a drunken haze.  He doesn't remember much of that day, but I think that although I was still sure he didn't like me, I think I began to fall in love with him that day.  I was so sure I would not love a human, but that plan went to heck.

After that day, I spoke with a friend of mine, Amgine.  I told him I was lost and unsure if Argos liked me as more than a friend or disliked me all together.  When he was drunk, he was nice to me and a flirt.  When he was sober he was Mr. Prude again.  I was so lost and Amgine wasn't much help.  He said he didn't know him all that well, just his dad.  So when I saw him at Amgine's wedding, I couldn't figure out why he would be there if he didn't know the groom very well.  I didn't know what to make of everything.  I danced with the groom (poorly) and met a few other people that ironically play major parts in my life story later (Ben Poetr and Aylana).  Towards the end I found myself alone in a room with the bride, groom and Argos.  I started laughing when shocker, I ended up with the boquet (which turns out Aylana should have gotten and Ben the garter).  When Argos was presented with the garter belt, I guess the idea of being married to me was so awful at the time that he literally fled the building  The full grown adventurer type who doesn't run from battles, runs from a silly piece of silk.  

After saying my good byes to the happy couple, I went after Argos because he looked too spooked.  I found him and we spent hours talking, we would continue this routine of meeting in Hlint and talking for hours.  We had each other convinced we were only friends, how could we be anything else with the diety difference and race difference?  Ironically enough, it was his mother that made us see we were more than that.

Well, to make an already too long story shorter, we fell madly in love.  We have dealt with everyone from Raz and Zari to his parents and church trying to break us up.  We always seem to just come through things stronger than before they messed with us.  I'm tired of the drama, but I do love it when Argos is home from duty.  He has a room with a friend of mine (Elohanna) now and I stay with him when he is in town.  It's kind of like "our" place, I even have my own dresser there.  But what good Ilsarian wouldn't have a dresser anywhere she was going to sleep?  Have to have pretty clothes, right?  I am lucky to have not only two houses, but two homes.  I have love in both places and am welcome in both.

I have more gifts that he has given me, flowers, picnics, songs that he has sung to me stored in my memory.  He is a true romantic, and that is a wonderful thing for me.  He loves me so much that it just shines out of him in a truly beautiful way.  Despite what everyone seems to think, we are a great pair who feed off each others positive aspects and help each other through our negative ones.  It hurts my heart that we will never be wed though.  It is love that is most important and we have that, but we can't be wed due to his church.  If there is one thing I am certain of since leaving home it is that I LOVE Argos and he LOVES me, even if he did insist on a year of celibacy in the middle of our relationship!

It seems since coming here that I am always saving someone or I'm saving someone's loved animals.  There is always an adventure to be had or someone to help.  Would you believe I even had to help a bunch of cows one time?  Farmer Patrick accidentally poisoned his cows.  I (and a group) had to go find a y druid and convince him to help the animals.  It should not have been that hard to get a druid to help animals, but we did it anyhow.  I used.. Are you ready for this.. "Cow Strengthener" on the cows.  The druid was real eloquent with naming things, can't ya tell?

There have been lots of times that I helped humans as well though.  One time, while in Haven there was a "horse" that was unrideable.  There had to have been 20 plus adventurer types that just happened along at the time and a guy who said he would pay anyone who could ride the horse.  I got to watch Argos' dad fall on his arse.  That was amusing.  In the end though, we figured out it was actually a person who had been transformed into a horse, which explains why the poor thing didn't want to get ridden.

The Wolfswood Rangers hired Argos, myself, and a group of others one time to find a rogue ranger who was killing people.  We fought the biggest spider I have ever seen on the trip and it destroyed Argos' armor, which left him naked to the world.  *smiley face*  After that though, he spent several days sick though.  No matter what I did, he wasn't up to his normal self.  We did find her, she wasn't herself.  I wish we had found her earlier so that we could have saved her.  She hadn't lost her mind and gone evil but had instead been altered mentally by something she ingested (weird mushrooms if my memory serves me well).  It was sad really.  At least in the end, we cleared her name of being a mass murderer and instead let her friends know that it wasn't really her doing those horrible crimes.

Another time a bunch of Griffins were dieing off and no one could figure out why.  Again, it was Argos, myself and a bunch of other adventurers.  After trying several prayers, researching several options, and all around trying everything we could to figure out the problem, it turns out they were being poisoned by something horrid left in their drinking water.  We figured it out, tracked down the supplies and got them a cure.

Another time I was in a port city.. Stort I think, with Argos and Stort ended up quarantined.  Argos and I saw to the wounded and diseased using our natural healing abilities, Ilsare's blessings, and Toran's blessings, saving as many as we could while the rest of the group found the cure.  I really think we saved a lot of lives that trip, but I was exhausted after that.  I cannot tell you how many times I had to pray and how many hours Argos and I were up.  We were both watching each other carefully for signs of the disease.

There was one time some harpies were getting over populated.  They kidnapped a little boy right off his dad's fishing vessel.  A group of us went and rescued the boy, who ironically enough had already been saved by a giant eagle.  He was very happy to see his dad when I dropped him off to him though.

The people you help here aren't even always people though.  Again I was with Argos once and a group of adventurers and we came across a lady who had amnesia.  Everywhere she went demons attacked.  We tried to protect her, but in the end we ended up making a trip to Spellguard to hand her off to the mages so they could figure it out.  The lady wasn't very helpful though and didn't really trust us.  She did trust me though, for the most part.  All she could remember was being attacked and running while they were attacking her dad.  So we finally make it to Spellgard after lots of decision making and fighting and what does the wench do?  She hits on my boyfriend!  After all that trip, protecting her and making sure she was safe.. She hits on my boyfriend!  Argos has that affect on women though.  Every time I turn around he is being hit on by some girl.   When I met him he was dating Annabelle, Tyllian didn't talk to me for a while because she liked him and didn't like that I was dating him, his dad's ex decided she wanted to go for the younger model, I could continue on for a while about all the girls that have hit on him.  But I suppose it isn't shocking that she tried to steal my boyfriend since it turns out her dad was the ruler of a demon dimension of sorts and therefore since he was dead, she was now that ruler.  She said she owed us a favor, but I don't think any of us are ever going to be able to collect on that debt.  Anyhow, she finally got her memory back and got out of dodge just in time.  Just after she left, another demon showed up looking for her to kill her.  She was really pretty though.

There is some sort of Dragon Cult around and all the Toranites were on full alert.  I wasn't told what was so spiffy about these guys that made everyone get all tense, but I do know that Argos was not home much because he was on extra patrols.  One day I was in the Wastelands outside Hlint and I heard an old man arguing with one of the Hlint guards.  Daniella Stormhaven was with them and they were arguing about this very cult.  A group of adventurers and I ended up chasing down this particular group of cultists after they had destroyed the old man's farm and put an end to at least those few cultist.  

There was a large tsunami recently.  Death and destruction everywhere.  There are rumors that another wave is coming.  Well Razzie took me, Ben and Aylana to a small coastal village that had been hit.  He was there to get really pretty rocks for his artwork from a widow who had extra and needed the coin.  I healed the survivors up and convinced them to move inland.  Apparently, no one had told them that another wave was coming.  That would have been like another 60 dead innocents had we not gotten there in time.

Because of the Tsunamis, I am holding a baking contest.  Baking is my passion.  I started it as a way to feed my family (which is obviously important), but turned into a passion for me.  I make my food into art and give it to any who are in need of food.  Each pie is different, each has a different design, each design is pretty and matches the great taste and texture of my pies or is tossed out as a messed up sculpture would be.  The idea with the contest is to name a baker winner (Hopefully me J) and give any funds raised and left over pies to the kids.  After my childhood, I have a soft spot in my heart for children, especially orphans.

I once got to go to a formal event that the gypsies held as Raz's date.  Zari was supposed to go, but she was too sad at the time, so I went instead so he didn't have to go alone.  It was 10K trues just to attend!  I was nominated as a possible queen of the party.  It was a lot of fun.  I met one of my nieces there.  She is a bit odd, but you can see the family resemblance in her eyes.  I was captivated with watching her play.

Speaking of nieces, I have two others.  Raz has 3 daughters total.  One I've never met, but the third stays in our house sometimes.  She is a ton of fun to play with and chase all over.  I love to watch her giggle and smile.  She is a beautiful little girl and she has stolen my heart along with the heart of anyone she come across.

I met a man the other day, Raz's sculpting instructor, who had an Ilsarian band of creation, but was not himself an Ilsarian.  He is a great artist and it shows, but he can be a bit prickly as well.  Raz loves him I think and he loves Raz back, so he can't be too horrid.

I have found so many beautiful spots since coming here.  My favorite is the cliffs just outside of my friend, Amgine's house.  To watch the waves crash, while smelling and hearing the sea.. It is just so relaxing and just fills my soul up.  There is another spot that is hidden away in the mountains by Haven.  It has this beautiful lake with wildflowers all around.  The beauty of the spot mixed with the beauty it reminds me of from a time Argos took me there for a picnic.. It is just a gorgeous nature spot.  Argos always finds the most beautiful places for our picnics, although my favorite spot right now is on the carpet in front of his fireplace.  Watching the fire live is so beautiful, the paintings around, the flowers, and most importantly the look in his eyes when he looks at me.

I wish Raz and Zari would see that Argos makes me happy and accept him as M'Love.  They are so over protective of me.  It caused some serious pain between us for a while when Raz got dragged into a plan to separate Argos and I.  Theory being he needed to focus on his religion and get to where they wanted him to be.  Problem being, we were worried about each other greatly.  Even when we are away from each other, we always write.  Raz was intercepting my mail and someone was doing the same on Argos' end.  I pretty much stopped eating for a month out of worry and all along Raz knew he was ok, but thought it was in my best interest to keep us apart.  I love my brother, but that cause us major problems for a while.

It's time to get on my Ilsarian soap box, because I feel the need to.  I feel I live a pretty solid life that way Ilsare would want me to, but others don't.  Everyone should have something that they create.  Without doing something, making something, it is hard to leave an impression on the world.  It doesn't matter what you make, as long as you enjoy the process of creating something.  I myself make pies as I have said above.  I love making my pies and I love watching people faces as they make those pies.  Raz sculpts, Zari designs and draws, everyone should have something.

I wish people could see the beauty in life.  We have a museum of art at the house that shows beauty in the classical sense, but there are other forms of beauty in life.  The passion and beauty I see in Raz's swordplay and fancy footwork or I see in my own archery or in Zari's conjuring (and I'm not just talking about color spray here).. The beauty in the clothes Zari designs for her customers, herself, (and best of all) her family... The beauty in Argos' dedication to his beliefs because that is where he finds his inspiration... The love I share with Argos.. Or to see things through Mara's viewpoint.  Everything has it's own unique beauty, you simply have to see what is beautiful in all of it.  (although there are people who believe there is nothing more beautiful that seeing something through the viewpoint of a child.)  There is just so many beautiful things in this world and it doesn't necessarily have to be classically beautiful.

I understand why Ilsare gifted so many things with beauty, so that all lives could find their own calling to beauty.  Anyone can find their own version of beauty from a sculptor to a dwarves berserker that takes pride in his chaotic bloody technique, anyone that appreciates life, love, and beauty are following Ilsare's wishes.  Those that only hate, destroy, and kill are Ilsare's bane.

Art is the single tool that inspires and makes life meaningful.  For life without an inspired and full heart is a blank canvass that never knows the painters brush.  Which leads me to another rant, we are Ilsare' extensions, we who follow her, who better to show others the beauty, love, and fulfillment of living a beautiful life?  A house mother that loves her children and creates what she can of a life for them with what she has and teaches them to dream and empower them to become something is no less following Ilsare's path than a most renowned bard or poet.  It not about station or ability, its heart.

Ok.. Off my soapbox now.  I was approached recently about becoming a member of a favored group of mine.  I hope upon hope that they vote me in, but I don't dare hope too much otherwise Argos will be picking up pieces of my heart and holding them together for me.  We shall see.  

Hmm.. I haven't covered friends really.  I have Amgine, who I said earlier got married recently.  He is also one of Zari's ex's.  There is Ben Poetr, who likes to say he doesn't like me, but is rather fond of me.  He broke down once and said I was sweet.  He is funny in his grumpiness.  Eli is pretty quiet, but he is a solid friend.  Ben's son Fi is fun to be around, and even more fun to harass Ben with.  Hedessa is a Xeenite priestess and she and I get along great.  O goodness, just sitting here writing this is making me realize how many friends I have.  I could continue listing names forever.  I think it will have to wait until I have an actual story to go along with these people.

Argos is beginning to wake, so I will end this now so that I can make his breakfast and if I'm lucky desert.

Zira

*It is signed in a very frilly handwriting with a heart around her name.*

[Alazira]

It was a good few days.  I took some time to work on my crafts and made real accomplishments in all three I worked on (Cooking, Scribing, ang Tinkering).  Althought I work on my crafts soley for me, I can't wait to tell my friends that I am improving.

I talked to raz some while he was helping me get oak.  Ok, to be more honest,  I don't chop so I was more of a cheerleader than help, bu tyou get the point.  I don't think Raz hates me being with ARgos anymore, which is a relief.  I will take stoic neutralizm over active dislike any day.  I think he just doesn't think Argos is good enough for me and is playing the part of big brother that he is.  But really, would he think anyone was good enough for me?  Lately Argos has been earning his respect though, so it is something.

I've taken to singing to Argos lately.  I curl up in his lap and sing to him.  It's probably a good thing he is blinded by love because the lady muse did not gift me with the most perfect of voices.  However, he seems to enjoy the songs greatly.

I am up for a possible acceptance into the Angel's Guild.  Apparently, someone (Amgine I think from something Ben said) put me up for a vote.  There is competition though, so I'm trying real hard not to get my hopes up or my feelings hurt in all this.  However, I think I have failed on that.. at least the hopes part.  I'm trying to pretend everything is normal so I don't act funny.  At least on that I think I have succeeded.  

I have an Ilsarian friend, Andrew William Reid.  He came to the house looking for me and ran into Zari.  The two seem to he hitting it ioff and getting along.  However, I am afraid they are too much alike, but maybe they can help eachother.  Raz hates Andrew, but does admit he hasn't given him but half a chance.  Raz said something that made me feel bad though.  He thinks that althougth Andrew knew from almost moment one he didn't stand a chance with me, that he was nice to me in hopes of getting a good reiew with my friends and sister.  I don't want to think that true of Andrew.  That would mean I was nothing more than a tool used to hurt my friends and family.

Speaking of Andrew, he has decided to add a bard competition to my pie competition.  It should be fun to add music.. and anything we can do to help the children works for me.  He has made me the judge for this competition.  Being Ilsarian my whole life, I've appreciated music and poems longer than I can remember, but I'm not sure I love the idea of being responsible for choosing a best of.  I don't think I have much choice.  However, if Argos enters the competition, I might need to step down as judge or at least choose a second judge so people don't think I'm playing favorites.

Well, I feel right on the verge of a break through in scribing again and want to get to working on it.

Zira *with a heart drawn around her name*

[Alazira]

My Scribing has me hanging out in crypts now.  Why does it seem that Priestesses are always in crypts?  I know the undead are beyond ugly with body parts hanging off and everything, but EW!  And getting their coin purses from them once they are dead... gross!  Darn good thing I wear gloves.

Why is it other girls wear skirts and nothing ever happens?  However, when I wear one I get called names?  This time it was Ben's son Daniel.  He is a good guy, for a Rofie.  He was talking about how Dessa is a harlot and then went on to say I was like her.  He recanted quickly when I became offended, but the damage was done.  Zari tells me that anyone that he finds attractive,  he thinks is a harlot because they got into his head and made him want them.  Some kind of screwed up Rofie logic?  I don't know, but somehow it isn't as offensive if calling me a harlot is just his way of saying I'm pretty.

His comment wouldn't have gotten the response from me it had if I hadn't had issues in the past.  I had one guy look up my skirt and I had to tell him Argos would chop him in half if he didn't behave.  I had another tell me I was buying rope to tie up a guy in bed (as opposed to the murderer I was chasing down) and yet another Argos did have to offer a challenge to because he said Argos was paying me for my favors (basically calling me a *insert curse word here*).  I took to wearing pants for a long time after that and as soon as I switched back to a skirt Daniel called me a harlot.  Ilsare save me from silly men!

It kind of hurts, because I am a good girl.  I talked to Argos afterwards and he made me feel better.  I am trying to just ignore silly people now.  I know I am a good girl, if they think cause I'm Ilsarian, pretty or fun that I am a harlot.. well then they can go take care of themselves cause I never will.

Zari seems happy with Andrew.  Hopefully that will last a while.  Zari needs some happiness in her life.  Ironically, since they started dating Andrew has stopped drinking and Zari has started.  I think Zari is just trying to fool herself though.  We will see how this all plays out.

Speaking of Zari, I think I hear her coming in the front door.

Zira *with a heart drawn around it*

[Alazira]

Life has been full of happiness and sorrow since my last entry.  I went on a trip to the Breath of the Muse with my family and friends and ended learning a lot, performed a wedding, and was gifted with a Band of Creation!  I made a wedding cake for the couple I married using the lessons I was taught.  I had a lot of fun and made some new friends.  The Breath is an absolutely beautiful place with what seems like room after room after garden of more beautiful spaces.

I was voted in as a probationary member of the Angels' Guild.  I really enjoy spending time with most of them.  I feel honored to be among them.  I have spent practically the whole probationary time working on my crafts or for a short time the bake sale for the orphanage in Hempstead.  The bake sale was more a success than I ever thought it would be and it delighted me so to see the donation ladies face as I handed her that much money and food at a time when they needed it so.  As for my crafts, I've become much better at both scribing and enchanting.  Although I have a ways yet to go in my enchanting.

Speaking of learning, being a probationary member of the Guild is good for Zak.  He has learned a lot with them and is becoming quite proficient with his weapon.  I always knew he had it in him, just well.. It is good to see.

Crazy enough Zari has gone on a date or two with Daniel Benjamin of all people.  Considering he is a Rofie, I like him a lot, but I am unsure how his god would feel about him and Zari now that she is officially worshiping Ilsare as well... but that is not my issue.  Zari is helping to take some of the stuffiness out of him and that is good to see.

Raz is Raz and doesn't seem to have drama going on for now... thank goodness one of us is stable.  

So that is the end of the good news for now.  I was happily hanging out in Hlint with Argos and a guy named Flynn and my Guild brother Marcus came up and started to chat with us.  Before I knew it I was in the tavern having some juice, that apparently was drugged because after that I woke up in Haven.  Marcus had a grand plan to drug Argos and I and marry us, figuring that the churches couldn't hold the marriage against us.  First, hello.. Legal much?  However, Jil and Ell showed up and stopped it and had them restore us to our right minds.  Must say, for once I was happy to see Ell.  Things didn't go well from there.  In the past Argos and I had discussed that we were married in everything but paper and that I lived in his home with him as such.  Well .. Standing on that hill in Haven Ell asked if he wanted to be married to me and he said no and ok so maybe he just gut reactioned that because of the results that would happen were we to actually marry.  However, Marcus said we were living together and Ell asked if that was true and I will never forget this until the day I die.. He said "Not in that way mother."  Not in THAT way?!?!  How exactly was I living with him then?  So I left.. Crying and he followed.  I said how all I wanted was to go home and put this behind me and he basically told me to stay at the shrine that night, that I wasn't welcome in his home.  That is when I really lost it and was crying so hard I couldn't see. Straight, and in a classic girl move asked him to promise we would be ok and he wouldn't make that promise.  So I spent the next month or three in a haze.  I was really angry at Marcus after I got through enough of the pain for it to hit that my Guild brother drugged me.  I said something to Elly and the darn eavesdropping elvish speaking human heard me. *draws a smiley face*  They told me I needed to bring it up to the Guild.  I told them I would need to think about it mostly because I wanted to make sure my anger and betrayed feelings were aptly place on him and net left over Argos feelings.  After much time I decided they were right and I asked Ben to put it up on the next meeting.  So, during this time frame, probably about 3 months, though to tell the truth I was in kind of a fog and time wasn't my friend, I only received two letters from Argos and no visits.  My heart was breaking a bit more everyday without a certainty of whether he would return to me.  It has always been us against the world, but this time it didn't feel right when I finally saw him.  Well, for the first time ever I didn't know how to act.  Before we knew it we were off being adventurers, investigating the disappearances of supplies in Krashin.  My clean cut, prim and proper Argos was unshaved and scraggly haired.  It was an odd occurrence.  It didn't take too terribly long for us to be holding hands and sharing the warmth of his cloak again.  He spent the trip trying to protect me, so at least that was usual.  But I haven't been as careful with my life lately.  The first week or two after the drugging, my soul seemed to really want to separate.  I died lots and felt a bit of my soul go with it.  I felt it appropriate at the time though.  Anyway, after we killed the bad guys, rescued some prisoners and returned the supplies that could be returned we went to talk and in the end we are still together, but in a distant sort of way.  I still feel part of my heart is not with me.  He's human, I only have so many years with him anyway, I just want the years I can have.  So, I brought the drugging to the Guild as Ben said to and by the end I felt more like the one in the wrong that the one wronged, being slightly lectured for bringing it up when Ben said to.  Zak and I were not voted in because of the open problem with Marcus, though they held an emergency meeting and voted us in a short time later.  It was at that meeting that Marcus apologized to me.  I know he didn't mean harm, but really it caused a lot of harm.  I told him he was going to have to earn my trust back and he had to make amends with Argos.  We'll see how it plays out.  Life is strange, lets hope it gets better.

Zira *with a heart drawn around her name*

[Alazira]

The last line of my last entry said that life was strange.  That is apt enough.

First the guild decided to help Hempstead rebuild, so I spent months gathering food, clothes, ingots, healing supplies, etc.  It seemed to keep me moving and give me a goal during a rough patch in my life.  We did something like 800k in one quarter.

The Guild wants Hempstead to allow us to build an Arts Center.  My Ilsarian heart finds that a great cause.  We have donated over a million true worth of items and gold.  I hope they go for it.

Argos officially broke it off between us, with little explanation that made sense to me.  I can't believe he gave up on us and that he doesn't love me enough.  Guess this is what a divorce feels like.  I still love him with all my heart.  I wish him only the best, but part of me wonders what was wrong with me that I wasn't good enough.  I thought I was a good wife.  I think I turned into a robot for a while after the break up.  I went to the Breath, helped in the kitchen, walked through the gardens and stared at the wall of inspiration for hours and hours.. And hours.  I found other Priestess to hold my hand and hug me until I was whole enough to attempt to return to my normal life.

It did not help that upon attempting normal life with half my heart missing that Ben, my now very dearly loved friend and Guild Captain started making noises about getting too old and a threat of death soon.  My already breaking heart didn't handle that well.  I disappeared, simply walking the countryside for quite a while.  I did my duties, made an occasional appearance at the guild or my Leringard home to check on my siblings, but I had to give my heart time to simply heal enough that I wasn't constantly crying.  I won't be my mother though... I won't die form a broken heart.  I have others that count on me.

In the need, I haven't seen or heard from Argos in over a year.  It hurts to think I was never that important to him and that I always loved him more, but that is not surprising I guess given our gods of choice.. The Ilsarian is going to love more.

As for Ben... after one final act that I will get to in a moment he has disappeared.  I fear he has done as he said he would and died.  I will mourn his lose for years.

Ben's final major act was to retire and then appoint me as his successor as Guild Second.  I tried to point out I hadn't been with the Guild very long, but he assured me that he put my name up for it (with no Nay votes) for a few reasons.  I took initiative with the donation bit with Hemp, I care about everyone, and no one else would take the job.  Leave it to Ben to flatter me.  (yes.. Sarcasm was meant).  However, I think Ben knew I was depressed and needed something to put my mind to other than why I wasn't good enough.  It also meant that even if I wasn't good enough for Argos, I was good enough for the Guild.  So I've been trying to be around more and even organized a trip or two.  Ferrit suggested Daniel to replace his father.  I think if Dessa can live with it that he will make a good addition.  He adds a respectable element to the guild and another cleric to help with the warding.  One of the sisters was also brought up, but unless there is serious conversations I don't know that I could ever trust her.  Right now, I would use my vote to not only say No, but HECK NO!  I guess we will see how it all works out.  As I started this... life is strange.

Zira
Priestess of Ilsare and Proud Angel

[Alazira]

Ben died.  I was right.. Some Toranite found his remains and buried them.  I miss him something fierce and I am crying a lot again.  It's been nearly two years since Argos last spoke with me to break up with me.. But my heart is still broken.  Adding to that Ben's death and I'm barely holding it together.  I love a lot of people.. And my love for those people is what is holding me in.. but I find myself mumbling "Stupid Humans" a lot lately.  My two favorite humans leaving me.  We held Ben's funeral.. O and Sonya's.  She was also a guild member, though I didn't know her well at all.  I couldn't not cry.  I know Ben would have rather I got drunk and partied it out, but I simply couldn't.  

A week or so later I went deader hunting in the marshes and Ilsare actually spoke to me.. Well, I think it was her.  It kinda felt like two separate entities messing with me.. But I really think one was Ilsare asking me to help someone.  However, the people with me thought I needed help and cut the connection.  So, now here I am left knowing Ilsare asked me to help someone, but not who.  We were talking about Argos just before it happened, maybe him?  Maybe someone in the group?  Maybe someone I love?  I'm not sure.  All I know is that as soon as I have the strength to get out of this bed and get out there, I am going to have to start down the list until I figure it out.  Which means a trip to see Argos.  This is going to hurt.. No doubts about that.  My heart is going to get ripped out again.. But I can't not check.  Ilsare told me there is hope and to love.. So I have to go with my heart.

We'll see how this plays out.

Love shall win in the end,

Zira *with a heart drawn around her name*

[Alazira]

Well, I have asked around and I can't seem to see who I was supposed to help in the marshes.  I have prayed on it and prayed on it, but nothing.  

Life with the Angels is going well.  It's fairly quiet actually.  Daniel (Ben's son) is applying to be a member.  He is in his probationary stage.  I spend much time in the marshes with him, Zak, a Toranite wizard named Richard, and a few others lately.  I keep hoping that Ilsare will choose a time to contact me again.  But I think that is just wishful thinking on my part.  Daniel does an efficient job with the guild and he is learning to allow some of his heart to show through.  I am proud to call him friend.. even if we don't see eye to eye on god choices.  However, Ilsare couldn't fault me too much for showing someone how to love.  He hadn't been hugged since he was a small child before Zari and I started in on him.  Now he hugs willingly, is married, and has a child on the way.  He may still be a bit stuffy.. but he has come a long way.

As for my personal life, well.. what can I say.  Argos and I spoke earlier and there was a lot of tears and a lot of hurt involved, but I think in the end we can manage to be friends now.  Maybe someday he'll be ready for a relationship again.  My heart is still his, there isn't much I can do about that.  He has taken to sending me letters again .. ok.. a letter.. but it is more than I have gotten in years.  I hold hope that we can manage friendship at least if nothing else.

Raz and Zari are the same as always lately.  Full of spunk and lonely.  I wish that the right person for each of them would come along.  

Zak bought a house!  How strange is that.  I helped him with it, giving him some of the funds and helping arrange the deal, but Zak is so exciting about it.  Of course I decorated it.  That man.. I love him, but no fashion sense or style.  It is a good thing he has Zari and I.

Speaking of Zak, he has a girl he is dating too!  Though she has gone missing lately.  I'm sure she will return however.  He seems to really like her and even took her on a picnic in Hlint.  At almost the very spot that Argos and I truly began our relationship.

I've been spending much time at the Breath again.  I enjoy visiting and I still pick up pointers on how to better decorate and fuse flavor with my baked goods.  

My heart seems to be on the mend and life seems to be back on track.

Zira *with a heart drawn around it*

[Alazira]

I put together a sculpture event.  It had multiple purposes.  First, to share art with as many people as I could.  Share some of Ilsare's inspirations.  Second, to gather funds for an orphanage in Hempstead.  It was successful I think.  We raised nearly 50,000 true for the orphanage.  Several people I didn't know showed up, Ygraine tried to beat up a few sculptures as she didn't understand art, Lance's daughter snuck out and attended the show without permission, Raz's sculptures (two of them) got to be in the show (including one half naked of Zari and I), it was all around a success I believe.  I enjoyed it truely and I think others did too.  I think I enjoyed it even more than the pie competition from last time.  Maybe I'll do another show in a while more.. see if the kids need it and inspire more people to appreciate art.  Maybe a fashion show? paintings? finely crafted weapons?  

I'm having a disagreement with Andrew.. as usual.  We don't see eye to eye on what Ilsare would wish.  I have to try to fix things with him, but he is dating Lana.  I don't think he is good enough for her and said as much to Daniel.  I guess part of it is that he has admitted that he isn't ready for a long term girl, he is already dating another girl/woman, he told me once he had to break up with a girl before she could get attached, etc. etc.  I love Lana, and she is Ben's wife.  I know Ben is passed, but he was like a dad to me (boy wouldn't that drive him nuts an elf thought that), and I don't want to see Lana hurt and she has such capacity for love that I think she is likely to fall in love with Andrew (as he has a certain charm) and he is likely to break her heart.  Anyhow, I was trying to tell Daniel I didn't think they should be together.. and he overheard me.  Now I have to straighten things out with him.  

Raz is Raz, but it was good to see his opinion on the sculptures.  Zari is Zari.. and looked fabulous for the show as expected. *smiley face here*  Zak, I think, is in love and I know the girl in question (MJ - Daniel's cousin) is in love with Zak.  I may be finding myself needing to find a new house soon enough, because they look well on the way to happily ever after and a twin in the house doesn't seem to happily ever after. *another smiley face*

I got a bow trained and am working on getting another trained to fight undead.  As it seemed I was always begging someone to make me arrows, I'm really excited about that.

Daniel is now an official Angel.  Zak has been working big time on his crafts.  All else is normal on that front.

I have a new friend, Ilsarian, named SehKy.  It is good to have another of the faith to be around.  He flirts with me, but understands my heart is still Argos'.  Having him around is doing me a world of good.  Speaking of Argos, we ended on a trip to the marshes together.  No tears.. so we are making progress.

Well, off to get this money to the orphanage.

Zira *with a heart drawn around her name*

[Alazira]

O how things have changed since my last entry.  I worked really hard to try to get through the emotions I had with Argos and finally convinced myself I needed to try to date and move on.  A part of my heart will always belong to him, but I can't believe Ilsare would wish me to pine after a man who doesn't want me for years on end.  I made the mistake of saying that I wanted to try dating again to Zari.  She was attempting to hook me up with any male that breathed and came within a 100 yards of us.  It was rather amusing.  However, one of the guys she inadvertently set me up with turned out to be a really great guy.  He has his own sad story, but don't all of us adventurers?  We seemed to really hit it off and wouldn't you know it.. I'm in love again.  It is the new, fresh kind of love.  And I still find that I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I'm waiting for him to push me away or say he doesn't want me, but that was how Argos treated me, not Damon.  Damon is sweet and just tries to please me.  He made me a bow.  He knows the quality of the bows he makes isn't up to the standards of my guild mates, so he didn't expect me to use it in battle (wouldn't risk my life that way), but merely made me a bow for my fishing.  It is wonderfully crafted and made with nothing but me in his heart and it shows.  He opens doors and buys flowers and simply we make each other happy to be around.

Zari found love as well.  An Ilsarian name Gel.  Those two are rather messed up.. both of them with more baggage than a queen on a year long journey, but they seem to be making it work.  Gel is a grey elf, and it shows.  He and I originally didn't hit it off so well when he insulted me.  But he apologized and sees me as family now.  He's good for Zari.  I hope she and Gel make this work and don't scare each other off.

Zak is still with MJ, though she doesn't seem to be around all that much.  She has joined the Angels' Guild however.  

Andrew and I are still fighting.. because we always seem to fight.  I think we are like oil and water and just don't mix.  I am trying however.  He is Damon's student (yes.. you can groan my dear diary), and because of such I need to try to get along with him.  Although last we met I overheard him speaking of Gel and it didn't sound like nice words, so I told him if he was going to speak of Gel to at least have the manners to do it when I wasn't around.  That didn't go over so well and some silly little girl decided I was snooty because of that one comment.  I'm sure Andrew and I will continue to drive each other batty, but neither of us really has a lot of choice in the matter.  

I've been really tired that last few weeks.  I am sure I am just over doing it and it is my body telling me to slow down, but I've done nothing but sleep and putz around the guild for the last few weeks and yet I still find myself tired.  

Anyhow, I'm sure there is much more to cover, but that is what is on my mind now.

Zira *with a heart drawn around her name*

[Alazira]

Why does it seem like so much changes in my life in the short time between journal entries?  Because it does.  As I mentioned in my last entry, I am dating a wonderful guy who is head over heels in love with me (and vice versa).  Argos still owns a corner of my heart, but I'm trying to seal it off so I can try to enjoy life.  

Part of that head over heels bit.. well.. even with taking herbs.. I'm pregnant.  Sala says I am to have twins at that.  Damon was out of town for a while after I found out, and that was very trying.  I was attempting not to tell people before him, but it's hard to hide when you are losing your lunch every time you turn around.  When I did finally tell him though, he took it wonderfully (after he stopped shaking).  He is being a bit of a mother hen, but it is cute that he is.  

Surprisingly so, Zak took it well too.  I thought for sure he'd be ready to deck Damon, but instead he is excited and looking forward to being an uncle.  I should have known Zak would react in a way that was least hurtful to me.

Raz spent the entire time lecturing me like he was my father.. which I guess he is the closest I will get to an actual father.. but he never said congratulations.. only stated all the negatives to having the children.  Like it was possible to change what was.  I think he meant well, but what I could really have used was a hug instead of a lecture and a life threat to Damon.  I'm now used to the idea of being pregnant, but at the time I was still more scared and shocked and in need of some TLC than anything else.

Zari is treating me like I have a disease that is able to be caught.  She leaves rooms when I am in them, goes silent, etc.  She won't really talk to me anymore.  I told her I was her sister and whether she liked it or not, these children would be her nieces or nephews or whatever.  And she couldn't have me without them, because they were a part of me.  She tried for a while after that, but she doesn't even try any more.  Something happened in her past, of that I am sure, to cause this behavior.  But in the end, does why she is doing it change the fact that I feel like I have lost my sister?

In my life it almost seems that I am doomed to loose any who I love given enough time or enough love towards them.  First both of my parents, then Argos, and now Zari.  This won't stop me from loving, because the downsides are as much a part of love as the upsides... but I thought my children would have a large family.  But if Zari turns me away, it won't be long before Raz does.  Those two are stuck like glue and he can't very well take the kids to his house or invite me over if I am not welcome by Zari.  Gel has already started looking uncomfortable around me and is starting to give me the cold shoulder too.  It sucks because this is when I need my family most.  Even if they don't actively help... just not actively hurting would be nice.  

On a completely different note, I apparently pleased someone who was secretly watching me help a couple reunite their love.  A moment band arrived in the mail for me.  I am very pleased by this.  My mother would be so proud of me.

Additionally, Kyle stepped down as Guild Master of the Angels'.  I never thought he would.. at least not until he was too old to stand.  That temporarily places me as Guild Mistress.  Ferrit still runs the place though. *smiley face*

Well, I should get back to work.

Zira *with a heart drawn around her name*

*there are tear drops over much of the entry*