Whispers of the mind!

[Dezza]

*Serahlin sits on the edge of her bed gazing into a mirror on the dresser opposite her expression vacant*

Whispers again, why do they stir? I wonder at them now, they seem to hover at the edges of my mind. I am well...aren't I. Athus would not have not let me go if he did not think otherwise...wouldn't he? I swing my feet out of the bed. I have taken a room at the Inn in Hlint. It is sparse but comfortable. I dont mind. I am used to nothing.

My eye catches the glint of the bronze axe and sword that lie carefully placed on the dresser opposite the bed. Are they mine? Of course they are the whispers tell me. Is it my mind talking to me? Is it the demons within? Sometimes I cannot tell, but I am well arent I?

This place is different..people here are not afraid of me; they say. Yesterday I was asked to go with a group into the mountains. Why did they ask me? I don't know. They were....kind to me. So many people are kind. They are not like demons.

I saw the mountains, I saw many things there, many things the others did not see. I tried to talk to the ogres there but they did not listen. They used axes and clubs rather than words. I dont know why they did that. I meant them no harm...we only wanted some oil.

*tears come to her eyes and slowly run down her cheek* I hurt them...I...I killed them. Again and again I danced amongst them as my parents had taught me. I felt.....joy. Is that wrong? Thomas would think so. He tried so hard to teach me Aeridins ways. I believe in his ways....I did not attack them...I defended myself and those I was with. I did not want to hurt them....but they did not stop...I had to.

*She curls her knees up to her chest and rocks back and forth on the bed, tears running down her cheeks*

Why is it like this? I fought and I killed, I felt peace and harmony inside. It is not supposed to be like this...is it.

*Serahlins image stared back at her from the mirror and spoke*

"I will take care of you Serah; we will take care of ourselves and those we care for and we will find peace. I will show you the harmony in battle, we will find the peace of harmony Serah."

*On the bed Serahlin stopped crying and her face took on a calm expression. Moving to the dresser she picked up reverently the axe and sword, then moving suddenly she pushed the table aside. Holding the weapons she began a series of patterns, a calmness settling over her.*

Thomas would not approve..., thought Serahlin.

"Aeridin does not teach you to lay down and die Serah! Seek the harmony..."

[Dezza]

The whispers are strong today...I hear them, they come closer to me and I can sense them behind me, beside me......everywhere. Sometimes I turn to face them but they are gone. Are they real? I dont know...I pray to Aeridin that they are not, that they are imaginings...I was mad once...can it come back? Can I fall into the corridors of my mind once more? They did terrible things to me there.....

The whispers came in the darkness, the shadows trying to take me away. The screams echoed through the corridors as they did things to me...my keepers...in that place...dirty white walls, dirty white corridors, echoing steps of terrible men....I would listen as they stood outside my door....helpless I lay there, the whispers screaming at me, the cries of the tortured filling my mind. Then the click as they open the door, my arms and feet bound to the bed that was my home. They did terrible things to me........and I screamed.

*Serahlin sits up in her bed in the Wild Surge Inn, sweat covers her shaking body. Curling up into a ball she buries her face in her hands and sobs at the vivad memories. After a while a voice penetrates her sobbing, startled she realises it sounds like her own. Looking up she sees an image of herself in the mirror, bedraggled hair, tear stained face, firm calculating eyes and the mouth set and determined."

"Are you some sort of baby? You have seen terrible things yes...but you are strong...you may have lost yourself to madness but I pulled you back. You are not stupid Serahlin. I have shown you where the peace and harmony lies, why do you persist in regressing to the past. It serves no purpose. Iron and steel is called for now."

"No..." Serahlin looked down then up again at the mirror. "Aeridin teaches us to love and respect life, I cannot find peace and harmony in the death I create with my own hands."

"Foolish girl," the mirror spoke back. "There is no evil in defending your own life. Aeridin gives all creatures that choice. If the enemy chooses to attack you then they have made their choice and you will defend yourself."

"But I went with them..I knew...I knew they would seek those who would attack them....just so that I could find that harmony and peace once more. I am a terrible person."

"Serahlin! Do you not think that with everything you have suffered you are not entitled to seek the peace that everyone else has already?"

"No, no, no, no you are twisting my thoughts, my words. Thomas was afraid of me, Tori was afraid of me, Barnaby was afraid of me."

"Akki wasnt...." the image in the mirror paused before continuing. "She wasnt afraid of you, even when you turned on her."

Serahlins head snapped up "I didnt.....I didnt mean it. She suprised me, like the others. She is kind to me, she teaches me the language of harmony, like Kaily did."

"There is harmony in the flow of battle Serahlin, and peace, you have seen and felt it."

"but there is also harmony and peace in language and nature and ....apples" She smiles at the mirror which remains silent once more.

*Wiping the tears from her face Serahlin lies back down, beside her she puts the tamborine Akki had given her that had fallen to the floor during the night. Unconsciously she touches the cold steel of the axe and sword that lies on the other side of her. A slight smile plays about her lips and she begins practicing the words she has been taught by various elves she has met. Oddly the whispers and shadows are held at bay and after a ahile she slips back into sleep.*

[Dezza]

Demons! They are the voices in my head, their insipid whispers, their taunts, their ways. I scream and I yell, I throw myself on the floor and thrust my fists into my ears to block out the sounds. My shrill cries of terror and fear echo through the empty cold dark passageways of my mind. I wish I was alone, I am in my place but the demons are there, they are all around, whispering their evils, telling me what they will do to me, to my family, to everyone they find. I scream.

[Dezza]

Alone...but never alone. I look around me at the trees, the leaves swish with the wind and the boughs creak as the leaves play. They watch me..I close my eyes and they see me. I walk to many places and sometimes I walk quietly and sometimes....they attack..people say that it is their way, or that they are protecting their lands. I dont know...I dont want to hurt them, but they attack, they make me hurt them.

Harmony...where is the harmony? Some say its in the forest...but its not. Some say its within us...maybe it is, but harmony is as elusive as peace. How can I be true to Thomas and Athus and follow Aeridins teachings when harmony and peace can be found in the dance of battle. Sometimes I walk knowing that the creatures of the land will attack...the war within subsides when the battle begins. Is it peace? It feels like it..but then...thats when the whispers come...the whispers from the shadows. Why can't I be normal! The demons did this to me....

I open my eyes, silence, I hear nothing but I see the forest sway before me as it did before..then sound, rushing though my ears filling my mind. Tears fill my eyes and I reach for my bag, fumbling the straps I desperately reach within and withdraw my prize. My melaa, my rose, I smile. Putting it back I draw forth an apple. All is as it should be...why does elven do that? I dont know...but the more I learn, the more I find it fills my mind and stills it...maybe it will bring me the harmony and peace I seek without the battle...maybe...so many maybes. With one hand I hold my apple to my mouth and bite into the juicy meat, with the other I I draw my glittering shortsword upto my face. Slim, elegant, graceful...I have been called all these...and yet within I am a monster. I am a terrible person. I hurt people....

How am I supposed to control them? I cant even control myself at times. I wake up as if from dreams...why? I follow people and discover I have done terrible things..I awaken in the middle of many dead creatures, blood dripping from my weapons, blood on my dress, blood on my skin, my feet, my face. It's not meant to be like this...the elven I am learning holds it at bay...for a time. Now I have to watch over them....how can i do that...why me? Doesnt she realise I cannot be trusted? The druid must be mistaken..I tried...I even befriended the stag....I tried. They killed it..they took its life..I left a flower.

Now I have to watch over them to pay a debt to the druid...how? I can't...but I will...perhaps she can teach me more elven...

I see the look in their eyes...Voon and Boon...they say terrible things with their eyes...they look at my body..they killed the stag..now I must control them....I don't know if I can do it....Sho Tan can help, yes he was nice...he helped me...he tried to help the stag...and Ezekiel...the shadows surround him...I fear him..yet like a moth to the flame....I bite into my apple again and look up into the bright sky through the canopy of leaves above. How long has it been? How long have I stood here?

Minutes...hours....days? I dont know...The short sword glitters suddenly as it spins into the air freely. With dexterity and speed I reach into the whirling pattern and grip the hilt firmly once more stopping its deadly dance. two more quick motions and its sheathed and almost hidden within the folds of my dress. I bite again..Anirilln Aey I shout to the trees. Its time to walk again..I must walk...I must occupy my mind..it is far too full already...

[Dezza]

Wonderment...I never knew it could be like this...the trees whisper is soft and hidden within the breezes that blow through them..this is what Faile says anyway. I think I understand what she means. They are not like the other whispers. I sat here yesterday with Faile all afternoon and she taught me the language...elven...for the first time in a long time I felt no anxiety, no malice....nothing..but a good nothing...for the first time.