Breanna ShadowRaven

[Anamnesis]

Winter Night 4, 1473

It has been 6 years since I left home, and six years since I have wrote to tell you, how I am doing. I am here in Center, waiting for a friend who has sent me a letter, after spending countless days enchanting for Cailomel's shop. I thought I would be scribing by now, and I have made a few scrolls, but my focus has been turned away from scribing into enchanting which requires a lot of study. I am doing well though. I am able to make ability gems that I can practice setting into stones, and soon I plan to even start practicing on diamonds.

I have met the love of my life and him and I have a home together just outside of Castle Mask. It is a beautiful home, but it seems to have turned into more of a warehouse as we work hard on our respective crafts.

His name is SehKy, and I love him more than anything. When he holds me there is no place else I would rather be, when he kisses me, I want the moment never to end. You would love him Mom and Dad. I know you would. He tries to do things for me but I know that asking would cause a conflict between his guild and myself, since we are working for competing establishments. It does not matter to us though as we help each other collect things when we can to help each other out. Small stacks of timber to aid his arrow making, feathers when I can find them, though the toughest of all I can not even lift a pick to strike the veins of copper ore we may come across, but I can polish and cut gems pretty well.

He is Ilsarian, mom and dad! And the love comes through his heart so much. I think though that I surprised him with my honesty when I told him how I felt for him. We were sitting along the grand crimson eagle memorial in Port Hempstead and it was then that we talked about it and decided that we would date at first to see how it went and how we felt about each other. He wrapped his arms around me as we sat on the cliffs in Lar, and I feel at home there with him. That was about 4 years ago now. Neither one of us has expectations of the other, and sometimes we spend lots of time apart. He always manages to find me though, and it makes me wonder if I have become predictable.

I love you Mom and Dad and I miss you too. I promise that soon I will try to come home and visit, and hopefully SehKy and I can come together. Oh! I almost forgot to mention. The Headmaster of the Tower Academy has taken me under his wing to teach me more scrolls. Oh Mom! You would simply love the library here. It is so big! I wish I could write more but I believe that my friend will be coming soon. I will write again though as soon as I can and know that I love you both very much!

With all my love,
Breanna

[Anamnesis]

Dear Mom and Dad,
 
 I know it has been a long time and I am so very sorry that I have not wrote sooner, but my studies have kept me busy. I have thinking that I may not be what the shop needs me to be. I can barely keep track with my studies, even more so. I have discovered that I am not ready for love, or it is not ready for me. So I have tried my best to convince myself that SehKy is better off without me. I have moved out of his house, and now exclusively keep to the Tower Academy.
 
 I have not heard anything from Stanley who was at one time using me as a test subject, perhaps I did not perform up to his expectations either, but that is fine with me. I can bury my head into the dusty old tomes and study.
 
 I have found an interest of my own, though I had never really realized it. That is divination, there is so much potential in learning about the possibilities of the future, of seeing through illusions, of finding where a lost relic may have come from, and learning about its history. It is a very exhausting study but I think it is worth it too.
 
 I miss you Mom and Dad so very much. And soon regardless of what is happening in the world I will return home.
 
 ~Breanna

[Anamnesis]

    Gateway, Spring Dawning 15, 1481

I don't know if I am a fool or not, but I have befriended a dark elven kin, perhaps to say I befriended him is not the right words to convey what has happened, and I know that if my other friends knew, they would judge me harshly.

There is a gentleness about him though he hides it and denies it. I believe he is just used to no one believing in him and so its easier to hide. Part of me believes him too, that while I should report him, in my eyes he has done nothing wrong.

Listening to him and Tyra, though. It confused me, I did not mean to eavesdrop on them but it happened, and startled me. I am unsure of what to make of either of them but there is darkness in both their hearts that I can not deny.

The talk of killing, of allies, of twisted plots, even of deceptions has me shaken. I don't know now whether I can believe Sehky or Keela or even Nym, now that I know his real name. Which maybe is a lie to me too. I think the only thing I can do is try to keep my distance and not be swayed by one side or the other.

They are all people who I care for very much. I just don't know what I have gotten myself into and if Master Omer knew. I so pray he doesn't know.  What would he think?

[Anamnesis]

They are all trying to make me change my mind about Nym. I know they only want to protect me, and part of me wishes I could simply run from the fear of him I hold in my heart, but is that not what everyone else is doing. They are turning their back on him, and I just can't ignore the gentleness I felt from him. Maybe it is a ruse, and maybe I am foolish but I have to try.

[Anamnesis]

I am no threat to him, maybe and maybe not. I told him of Tyra's true name. I thought he may have already know but I think now she is in danger should she be let out of the prison.

I spoke with Sir Daniel and told him, and he did not ask who I thought the threat may be. Maybe he doesn't believe it is truly a threat with Tyra where she is, but when she is free again. I believe she will wish she were dead if they get their hands on her. I have tried to provide a warning though of what I have learned. I have to hope it is enough. I know that Nym is not also telling me everything and I am sure if he ever did I would not live long enough to tell a soul.

If small pieces are all I can glean though to help another stay safe. I will do what I can. Our relationship so far keeps Keela safe so my promise to her is being kept.

I wish that I could be honest with them all but then I would be no good to any of them.

[Anamnesis]

Life is not fair, so full of twists and turns, ups and downs, life and death, love and hate, trials and forgiveness. Life is not fair at all but it is full of joy, and pain, song and dance, wind, rain and fire.

My heart has opened itself to Nym'roos. Nym. An elf, a dark elf. I did not expect myself to ever be attracted to a warrior, but the sound of his heart beat is like a breath of fresh air to my aching heart. Every part of my body screams for me to run away, my mind aches, while my heart beats like an uncontrollable storm that has been bottled for far to long. Whether it is only lust that binds us together like some unseen force, not even the Al'noth can make sense of.

The touch of his lips against my cheek, my neck, my lips only draw me closer to him, the way he touches me, makes my heart soar, his anger when he sees me hurt, though he will not say the words, his actions speak volumes and it is those actions that I hold to so tightly. I love him even if my friends think I should run the other way, that space is what we need. Ours is to be a love quietly understood, by only our hearts. By the understanding that binds us together quietly. Passing glances, the slightest touch in passing. I would scream that my heart loves him if not for the way his people feel about us, and mine feel about him.

A secret love is how it will remain.

[Anamnesis]

Tears stain the page of her journal her writing not so neat as it usually is as her hand shakes from the emotion going through her.

Our friendship is no more, what was there is gone, and it is all my fault. I could not protect her from the man I love, and now my friendship with Keela and Sehky is gone. I don't know what I am going to do. I don't want to know. I want my friends and I want to be held by my love. I don't want to choose between them and now. They won't have to worry about me betraying them. I let them go. I left. As far as I could run until my legs would not move anymore. I will keep running so they can not find me. I do not wish to hurt them anymore. If Keela and Sehky are not together because of me, if I bring them hurt than I will never be a shadow in their lives again. They can never know what I was willing to do for them. Never will it be spoke of again.

the entry left just like that without any further details except more tears blurring the ink.

[Anamnesis]

I thought I knew what I wanted, truly I thought it would be easier to be alone, so that I would never hurt anyone again. Then out of no where, or maybe it was everywhere, he appeared standing in front of me on the road. His presence took my breath away as he always does. He would not let me simply give up, and made me decide, a choice I never thought I could make. I choose him. I chose to follow my heart. While I won't say the words out loud for the conflict it causes, I do love Nym, and even if Ilsare believes his darkened heart can not change, I believe it can. I think it already has.

He protects my sister Caly and I, from his allies, and now he even calls us friends. I carry his child, though for now he doesn't care about it, he is willing to help Caly and I to find a home, so that our child has a safe place to grow up. It has been most difficult to find a place as all the towns seem full to the breaking point.

Whats more is that every so slightly I can feel the butterflies in my stomach moving around, my child, Nym's child...Our child moving about even though I thought I had lost our child in battle, now that I can feel it growing inside and I am certain the cleric was not wrong. I am even more careful, more protective. I do not want to loose my child.

Keela and Sehky would never understand, I love them but this they would not understand this. Their goddess has not shared this insight with them and they would never see it, and now.. I have another problem. How do I maintain helping the shop without exposing the truth to them that I am with child. I need the true to aid finding a house though, and to take care of our family.

I can't even begin to tell mom and dad what is happening and have them understand. I have really gotten myself into a mess that I can not begin to climb out of and I am not sure I want to either.

In all of this a bright spot, as even the great Section Commander Jennara has chosen to aid those her friends would not approve of, and still her friends remain so. Maybe there is still hope for Sehky and Keela as well.

Maybe I will write to them and see if maybe we can work out our friendship, if it is possible.

~Breanna

[Anamnesis]

"How can life be so unfair to take away the child from me that I wanted to hold more than anything how can life be so unfair? Why!? It is my fault for being careless, what did I do to deserve such a thing happening?"

The thoughts for awhile ran randomly through her mind as the world seemed to spiral around her in an uncontrolled fashion that left her standing numb back in the middle of center. She could feel his arms, hear his voice but they were in the distance, as every part of her body ached with the reality of what had just happened to her, hit her with a brute force that left her passed out in the arms of the man she loved.

"I am stronger than this," She tried so hard to convince herself, she could not let was was not meant to be destroy her, she had to take back her own life and push forward, it was not so easy though as her mind kept playing back the arrow that pierced her stomach and in that instance left her nothing more than a corpse on the ground.

Her nightmares would not let her go until his shaking of her brought her out of the dreams and left she looked up into his piercing fiery eyes that spoke if a strength she could only dream to know. She wanted part of that strength for her own, not to be some frail child that everyone coddled and protected. She wanted to be the strength that they would turn to in their time of need. She wanted to be relied on as she relied on them.

She wanted them close but also at arms length to show them how strong she could be, as she was now she felt a great disappointment to many people, Keela, Sehky, Caly, Nym. She could not even express how much of a disappointment she was to them, because she was to afraid to say it and them simply try to convince her otherwise.

Then the choice came, to stand or fall, and she chose to stand, to take back her life, or possibly make it worse, she wasn't entirely sure as she was led back to the giants and back to take part of her life back that was so violently ripped from her by their arrows.

She felt sick to her stomach unable to contain her emotions as she plunged the knife that Nym had thrown at her feet, into the giants chest and ripped out the heart. She wanted nothing more than for the giant to understand how she had felt, at the pain it had caused her, the emotions flooding over her like a great tidal wave that left her more numb and feeling lost.

Nym and Caly both leading her back towards a Haven, and then her world just went black again for awhile as the grief and exhaustion gripped her body and would not let her go.

It was awhile before she awoke again voices quietly filtering in, she could hear them and but still for awhile they were distant to her, Something about weakness, or being independent, letting her go alone. She couldn't quite be sure. Her eyes blinking slowly and her mind just trying its best to focus, to wake up from the nightmare she was in, until the voices sounded normal again.

The rest of the evening still seemed a blur but one thing was for certain, her family was still whole, her Caly and Nym. She knew they would be there for each other as long as they could be, and that brought her some comfort as the evening turned into day and they had each again left to go their separate ways.

[Anamnesis]

I suppose the upside to finding myself now confined to the Tower Academy is that my ability to focus more on my studies of Divination is beginning to come together more, and my understanding growing deeper. I have found books in the library that go through the various methods of scrying, and I am trying to determine which way would be the one to be most reliable for me.


I have spoke with Protector Storold and he has offered to teach me, but I want to show him how serious I am by being prepared for his lessons. Perhaps there is something we can both teach each other.


In my studies so far I have learned that diviners over the years have chosen many different methods to see the future, the past, and even hear the voices of long lost loved ones. I have also learned that divining is sometimes regarded as nothing more than a joke but then to think of the art as nothing more than a trick, is insulting to a mage who has trained years to learn what they do, that would be like saying our protections of the Al'noth are nothing at all.


But there is indeed a great many things that the school of divination has to offer, such as the ability to see those who vale themselves in illusions. Though in choosing to specialize in the art, I have found that its prohibited school is illusions wish would prevent me from being able to cast such things as Color Spray, Continual Flame, Displacement, Ethereal Visage, Ghostly Visage, Greater Shadow Conjuration, Improved Invisibility, Invisibility, Invisibility Sphere, Mass Blindness-Deafness, Phantasmal Killer, Shades, Shadow Conjuration, Shadow Shield, Silence, and Wierd.


Some of these spells I have used and have recently been able to grasp and find most useful but to understand divination, is to understand how to see and anticipate events around you. It is to grasp things on a higher level, they would be much like a fighter watching his opponents movements to know where to strike next. But divination is not just about fighting or anticipation of movements. it is also about listening and understanding, opening yourself up to all of the world around you. The unseen as well as the seen, and allowing yourself to understand and interpret even if only a glimpse and fit the pieces of a puzzle together. Sometime the visions can be confusing though an innaccurate and can always change depending on the actions of others.  


I believe now that is the inner strength of Nym'roos that prevents me from being able to cast my spells to any effect on him, and why he seems so much stronger than me. I have always felt myself weaker than him, and have allowed myself to come to believe that if I were meet him again he would be able to destroy me.


So now I need to refocus my understanding of the Al'noth as not just spells to be learned but protections to aid me in defending myself and those I call family.



Clairaudience-Clairvoyance, Feeblemind, Finding Traps, Identifing, Understanding the Legends Lore, Power Word, Kill, Power Word, Stun, Premonition, Removing Blindness-Deafness much more so being able to remove my own, See Invisibility, True Seeing, and True Strike. These spells combined with the other schools of magic will eventually aid me in protecting myself more so than my bow and sword ever could.


I have been reading the books brought into the library that explain more in depth the various methods of divination and found that each has its own unique methods that do not always require use of a divining pool. So that while there is one in the Academy and one in the Arms they are necessarily needed.


I have taken to collecting various items from the teachers of the Tower Academy as they will allow as I have the approval of the Headmaster to pursue my studies and practice for now. I have asked various students to take and hide different items that I know what they are and trying to locate them using the different methods of divination.


There are so many different ways though it may take awhile to determine which I like the best.


Dowsing is one method in which a forked rod of wood is used to locate treasures, waters, metal and is sometimes used to tell the future and past.


Some diviners use Tarot cards which change throughout time and seem to have different and styles by regions, usually following the same configuration though of 78 cards made up of 22 major arcana and 56 minor arcana and the fool. The fool being numbered 0. The major arcana which represent the original tarot deck are numbered 1 to XX1. The minor arcana are made up of 4 kings, 4 queens, 4 knights, four aces, and the cards numbered 2 to 10. There are many different interpretations to the cards though, and is mostly associated with fortune tellers.


There is also Iching which does not give specific answers to questions but reveals patterns which help to arrive at the answers sought after.


As you can see there are many, many, many ways of finding answers if the mind is open to them, and choosing which method is best is all a matter of what feels most comfortable to the diviner.


I am far more content to carry around a small obsidian mirror to use, as I find it far more convenient, but just as willing to use wind or water scrying as well to as they are readily available. I have not completely settled in what type of diviner I will be yet as I am still learning, and trying my best to open my mind to the various forms.

[Anamnesis]

She sits down by the rock, in Orcs Watch, taking out notes she has found tucked away in the library shelves and re-scribed in her own hand reading them over and over again. Wiping at tears that don't seem to be willing to stop.


The sun has long since stopped but the glow of light from her own bow sitting beside her provides her light enough to read by. She carefully marks the date before re-scribing the notes into her journal.

Gateway, Summer Home 22, 1484

Known as the Prince of Hate, Lord of Spiders, to some as the Avenger.,  
 
 
The garb of Priests of Baraeon Ca'duz are predominantly black and stained with dark shades of green.

Around their neck they wear a medallion in the shape of a  spider, the  symbol of their god. Most are also masters of disguise,  especially when  carrying out a long anticipated plan of retribution.
 

He is known to be unfriendly towards Katia and Enemies to Aeridin, Az'atta, Beryl, Deliar, Dorand, Folian S'pae, Ilsare, Lucinda, Pruinilla, Rofirein, Shindaleria, Sulterio, Toran, and Vorax.

Beneath the notes she begins to write her own thoughts.

So this is what Sehky has been trying to tell me. Everything I loved, everything is gone. I loved Nym, I poured out my heart to him. I told him everything about my dreams, I trusted him. I wanted to have faith that he could change, but it was always me he wanted to change. The times he held me close...Folian how could I have been such a fool. How could I be so wrong? I have no one left anymore. Andrews song, his comfort, just a temporary salve against my own failings. I do not know what I am going to do. I made a promise to Protector Storold to aid him. I must keep my promise, and to the guards. Something good has to come out of my own failings. I have to make amends to the families of the guards. I know now the name of Nym's Lord, his handler, as Keela put it. Something I have never known before. Something he kept guarded from me, even Duchess is too dangerous to be trusted but I have to do something.


Perhaps speaking with the Captain of the guard again will help and give me some insight I did not have before, and these clothes. I need to change them. I am far to recognizable as I am.


I wish that my friends would understand why it is I am trying to walk this path alone, it is not that I do not want their help, their protection. It is that I do not want anyone else getting hurt because of my own actions. I had hope that perhaps if I was alone things would be easier, there would be no attachments, but maybe it is the attachments to those I love that make this so difficult, and I need them more than I think. The Captain believes it is unwise of me to involve others, that word would spread to the wrong people. That the more I speak about it...I do not want to be alone though. At least I know there are others watching out for me, I just wonder if there are not as many watching out to get me.


Keela wishes me to stay in the Tower, to remain safe there, but I wonder if she understands how much of a prison it seems. Protector Storold wants to meet me there to study, and the Captain wishes my help. Folian please guide me because I feel like a caged creature right now and I do not know what direction to go.

[Anamnesis]

It's a mess now, almost everyone I could imagine knows now, despite my efforts to keep it quiet. Fehriel has pretty much ensured that everyone knows.

I have to somehow regain control. I have to disappear, or at least appear dead now, even to my parents. I can't believe what a mess I have made of things, and I can not again let anyone speak for me. My decisions must be my own no matter how painful it is, I have to follow my heart, and I must live with my decisions.

I have spoken with Andrew, the last person that I think anyone else will suspect of helping me. He is a good person, and a good friend. And he has given me some sound advice on how to disappear and even a new identity to build on, eventually though I will have to expose myself, my face beyond the helm that I wear, so I must change my hair, my face, aside from eyes, and if possible I need to find a golden circlet to keep my mind protected from scrying.

I know though that keeping myself aware at all times that someone could be looking for me, can keep me safe. I wonder though still if they may try to strike out at my family. I told Nym where I came from, though not specifically, he could still try, his friends could. Duchess could.

Lady Elurisse may very well be my only way to fix the wrong I have done.

[Anamnesis]

The guards where quiet during the trip, though I could feel their stares at me, perhaps curiosity of why I chose to do this, or even anger and hate that because of me their brothers had been killed and hurt.

I had no words of comfort to give them, nothing to tell them how sorry I was that I brought this pain to them.

I had been kept blinded folded, and all I could do was think as I had been, of what to say. I wanted to apologize to the guards for their fallen comrads. I knew I could not say sorry though as there was nothing I could say to fix that pain.

The truth is part of me was coming to say goodbye, another wished to hold on to him, even after he hurt me. it was small comfort to his loss of freedom. and the pain I could imagine him enduring.  

I felt inside he deserved to know. I needed to say goodbye to him. It was as much for me, and I knew that. I had been moping about letting my guilt feed me to a point I was pushing everyone I loved away. Even strangers, encouraged me to believe my friends and I could not seem to feel as they did. I still could not seem to turn my back on him.  

It brought comfort to my heart that he was alive, even if he hated me for what I had done. Even as he rejected me so utterly, there was no longer any love in his eyes for me, nothing of what I felt before. Only Anger, pain that seemed to fuel him now, except when the lady was there.

A stange peace was felt from her, and a not all to comfortable feeling, something was not right about her, but what, I could not put my finger on. They spoke a tongue of elven between them, I recognized it as dark elven yet I still did not understand what was being said. A laugh at my expense I am sure, insults that I deserved.

I tried to talk to him, to apologize to get close to get close enough to hear what he was saying. My heart still trusted him though, even as the world started to blur around me again that he may kill me, I simply did not have the strength to fight him, I did not want to. I wanted him to have some satisfaction to ease the pain I had given him, but he let go, why did he let go. I knew he wanted to as he had on the lake, all he had to do was squeeze a little tighter. But this time was different.

As I was escorted from the prison though I was left with my thoughts, even when the guards spoke to me, all I could do was offer a nod, My Heart numb and my thoughts uncertain about Nym, the future, the lady watching over him. I had to let go though completely and move on. What I had done could not be undone, and allowing it to consume as I was, kept me from my own dreams of finding who I was meant to be.

A part of me would always care for him, the part of me that had faith that even the hardened of hearts could change, but another part of me knew, it would have to be someone else to break down his walls.

[Anamnesis]

Indentured Servant

I made some mistakes, some huge mistakes, ones that I can not alone, get myself out of. I know that now. I involved the wrong people. I talked to much. The secrets that I tried to hide are no longer secrets, and that I spoke has painted a target on me, not only of those I betrayed but it goes even deeper, no one but I know exactly who knows everything. Or what each individual person has been told. I pray that the darkness is destroyed eventually and maybe with the events set in motion now it will come to pass that the light will prevail.


I found out that Nym, has been near Sehky, and it is my fault that he is free. I think. Sehky is furious with me and will no longer talk to me. I can't say I blame him, but I had to follow my heart. Sehky has to make his own choices though, and he has to follow his own heart. It is the way of his heartsong. I am bound to follow my own too, and I will regardless of what anyone thinks of me.


Steel is wanted now. I thought he would listen to me, to try his best to help them within the law, but...I am not sure he listened. I think it was him. I think it is. My heart feels like he let them both free but I can not say for certain.


All I know is the pain each time Nym wraps his fingers tightly around my throat, and I wish he would either squeeze or let me go. While I used to love him. That feeling has since grown cold. I am not like him. I can not let him force me to ever become like him. I tried to fight back to regain my breath, to get my feet beneath me, but he is still stronger, and I am unprepared and unwilling to fight him on his terms. To give into his desire, is to give up completely on who I know I am.


But now I am more entangled between them. Between him and Duchess. In an effort to try to make ammends to give them some satisfaction for my betrayal, I am freely offering to do what they request of me. So far it has been to collect things, to clean her house. To do as she says. Which means dressing pleasingly to her eyes. The first time that I refused, I saw her anger as she slapped me, knocking me to the floor. The impression of her hand which stay with me for days. She says that my services will be required for as long as she was imprisoned, but I am unsure if she speaks the truth or not. She does let me come and go, to continue my lessons at the Academy, to work in the shop, just so long as I keep up my obligations to her.


She does seem mostly happy though with my services. I think in some ways I have exceeded her expectations but I can not dare tell her that My Beloved has aided me with my chores. He tries so hard to protect me, to help me. He knows everything. I can not keep a single secret from him. He wraps his arms around me and holds me as I cry and he has the most forgiving of spirits. I can not tell anyone I love him. I can not share with anyone how my heart sings and wishes nothing more than to marry him as he as asked me to. I want to stand upon the shores of the Lake of Glass and bind our hearts together as one. Even if I know they already are.


But it is to dangerous for him. I know for certain though it would mean he becomes a target to make me suffer. He does not deserve this. He has troubles of his own. He speaks of a Lady Saida that has interest in him. She is some sort of Enchantress. I can't say I have heard of her, but she does not at all sound pleasent.


Something good has recently happened though, through the generosity of Fehriel and the shop, an arrangement with Elgon, and talented enchanter and gem crafter was reached. In exchange for enchanting two emerald rings for me, he in turn was granted a discount on his Yew Quarterstaff. The adventure itself. It was an adventure to woods that make the Wolfswood pail in comparison.


The trip was wonderful but the details... well I can not write here. It is far to risky to write of such things. It is to risky to write of what I have so far but my thoughts need to be wrote. Should something happen to me. Someone needs to know and understand who I am, and why I have walked the path I have.


I have also met with Andrew again, and spoke with him about the lady. Her name I am still thinking about, her presense, her personality. I know what I would like her to be like, but Sir Andrew wishes me to try to come by the inn, and introduce this persona to him, and see if he will know if it is me or not. So I dare not, do so when he may be expecting me. It will let me know though if when the time comes if I will be ready.

~B.S.

[Anamnesis]

Janra 28, 1488 years since The Great Cataclysm

The letters went out to those I trusted the most, there are probably more that I forgot, but I knew that Andrew had been there for me offering council on changing my appearance from the start. Aden had listened to every word I had said and never once let me go, he never thought less of me. And Jetta I hoped would see the value on her own of helping a friend, even if I couldn't pay her. I hoped. I guess we are not as good of friends as I hoped and the last thing I wanted to do was be deeper in debt to anyone. As it is I am struggling to find the true to repay Chakar for the hood I bought from him, a hood that is not even going to help me. I guess I have learned a valuable lesson the hard way. Sir Daniel had always been there for me, when I felt everyone else pushing me away and this time when I called for him he came to aid me. I could not ask for a better friend as I knew he was truly the friend I strived to be like the most.

Finally after we all met together we found a quiet room to talk, to listen. I had things I had to tell them or they may think I was doing this without a good reason. Making a change to my appearance if it was to be permanent was not a decision I was making lightly. I told them most of everything, things that seemed important, other things I simply could not reveal for the danger it may put them in. I have to tell them eventually but what I was about to do, for the moment seemed like enough. I had already done enough, and with Daniel here, I knew he would try to keep me from doing anything foolish. Andrew had been my guide in the way to change my appearance, as it seems he has his own secrets.

I know I was nervous at the thought of what may happen, of what this would mean as I tried to browsed through the shops, halfway looking for a disquise I could afford, waiting for my friends join me, and halfway trying to talk myself out of going through with it. My mind chaotic with thoughts and the weight of this decision. Yawa Ekat the lady who I was to meet. What would she be like, what options would she give me? Illusions could be seen through, the golden circlet would do me no good, as I was reminded it only protected my mind, and it was my will that needed to be strong enough to resist the scrying efforts if there was any.  

Thoughts of who I wanted to be kept swimming through my mind as they still do. I like who I am, even if I have made mistakes. The mistakes though have made me some enemies, not just of Duchess and Nym, but also of their friends, and it has caused others to needlessly get into trouble. Steel. I have to learn to keep my mouth shut. It is getting me further into trouble. I have to follow my heart. I have to think things through more clearly before jumping head first over a cliff.

Maybe with Miss Ekat's guidance I can figure out who it is I am meant to be. I hope so. I have already completed the first task she has set before me, with incredible sheer dumb luck. I managed to make the Polymorph scroll. It is not my best work but with all the thoughts that go through my mind. I think its the best I can do right now.

Longstrider, if you are there watching out for me, please keep my steps on the right path they should be. I don't want to hurt anyone else.

[Anamnesis]

Mar 27, 1488 years since The Great Cataclysm

I still feel the pain, dizzy and sick when I think about her. I had not heard her there, her steps more quiet than usual. My own failing to expect her at a moments notice, or not at all as was usually the case. I simply did not have my guard up, then as she spoke up I heard her.

I thought it to be only a routine visit, I showed her what I had been doing, everything. The wood I had been collecting to turn into dusts to make parchments from. She seemed genuinely interested in what I knew. I was reluctant to tell her everything, the reasons why so I just told her I was practicing for my mentor. It wasn't a complete lie, Storold does have me scribing sometimes for him to learn, but she did not need to know it had nothing to do with him.

It was a good cover story, believable but she did not need to know everything. I can't tell her everything without putting others at risk. I can't put my friends at risk. I will endure anything to keep them safe.

After awhile of talking, she wanted more though. She ask of things I had found myself unable to go through with since my heart is bound. I am his. I am not hers. I could never be. I didn't want to do what she asked and it took all my will to stay true to him. I would say it angered her but it didn't, she seemed to genuinely take pleasure in hurting me, when have I become so weak. I tried to stand against her, but she is stronger, quicker, trained in her profession, a torturer and assassin.

Her sting as she hit me for refusing to do what she asked, the way...no matter what I did, she continued to...I can't even write it here. I don't know how much longer I can take working for her. I don't want to go back. I don't want to become as she says. She took me with her to the bandit caves in the Thunder peaks,  and says that it will be the sole survivor left to remember us both. I wanted to forget every moment. I felt sorry for the bandits but also in some ways I wished I could have taken their place instead. I don't want to be like her, I never want to be that cruel, that evil. It makes me sick to think she wants me to be like her.

The more I thought about it though, the more it seemed to become overwhelming. I wanted nothing more than to see Aden, to feel his arms around me. To just cry to give up. Thankfully through our Longstriders I made it back to Center on my own, after she left me to do whatever it is she does. Storold appeared, and while I wanted to tell everything to him, as he has been a friend. I just couldn't talk about it. I couldn't form the words without completely losing what control was left.

Then Aden appeared, My Long strider continues to keep him safe from harm, to bless me with his comforting spirit in my life. Though I couldn't. I could not tell him what happened. I could not speak the words. I wasn't ready. I had to leave to clear my head. So I left and walked for how long  I really can't say. I scarcely remember giving the ticket to the captain, or disembarking at the Hold. I scarcely remember anything until he took my hands, looking into my own eyes.

At first his touch felt like her own, and all I could here were her own words, as she snapped my fingers, one by one. I felt like I was in a nightmare but it was real, and it made me sick, so sick to my stomach, that I got sick all over myself. Barely missing Aden. He is so sweet, so patient and so understanding. I can tell by the look in his eyes how much it hurts him, seeing what she does to me. I don't want to go back but my friends, they say I have to face my fears. I have to stand up and do what is right. I can't hide. They don't understand what its like though, how hard it is, and without them there, without help I simply can't do it alone.

I am not as strong as her, and even Lemont's words, his thoughts, though helpful, with such limited knowledge about Duchess, It is hard to find a way to change the circumstances. And to stay around her means she will ask me to do things again I don't want to do.

Gorm says he is moving, that he may be willing to sell his house after, and maybe I can offer to buy it from him. I have much work to do though to raise the money for it. But I need a place to truly call my own. A home even if temporary for Aden and I, for just us. A place to feel safe.

[Anamnesis]

Seplar 13, 1488 years since The Great Cataclysm.

For the moment my thoughts has been distant, thinking about the reasons I had been going through with this, and Daniel's advice filled my thoughts, even Lemont's own advice. I had faced my fears of Miss Duchess. I had told her that I could no longer work for her. I told her I wanted a life of my own, a family of my own. Whether that is to be with Aden or not. I hope it does. I love Aden dearly. I think others are beginning to suspect there is more between us, though I try to tell them it is friendship its getting harder to deny. And now we have to be even more careful. Tyillian has been sneaking around, and has seen us together quite a bit.


Back to Miss Duchess though, she released me, though I can not say it ended well, it did end better than expected. She knows that others know of her house now, but I refused to tell her who. I told her I couldn't betray them. I wouldn't no matter what she tried or may do to me. I simply couldn't betray them. I should feel worse for my betrayal of her, but I can not. Not now that I know what she is capable of. I suppose that is part of what troubles is that would they still be the people who have shown their true colors if I had not been the one to betray them, or would they be changing to a better person?


I am not sure, all I know is I am changing, in so many ways. I am no longer meeting with my mentor for the reasons I expected. Yes I want to learn what she can teach me, but now more than ever because I can see the importance of being able to change my appearance, in an attempt to help others.


I will not hide as all it does is make me weak, it gives them something to use against me. It's not going to be easy but I have to try. Keela has spoken to me even however briefly and I felt a hope that maybe we can mend our friendship, maybe she can let go of the past, as I am trying to let it go pieces at a time.


Tyillian calls me a shadow, though I have never thought about it, I suppose she is right. I could be speaking openly with my friends about what matters most to me but as as soon as some one comes that I don't know. I am much like Miss Yawa's locket. I clam up. I retreat back into my own thoughts. I don't know who to trust and I let my frustrations get the better of me. I really do need to apologize to Ty'riel and Miss Fleur who I barely know. It is not their fault that I have reacted badly. It's just hard for me when I try to help to be shut out,  but I think that more than anything I have to let go in some ways too, or it will eat me up from within and it will keep me from having the happy life I dream of with Aden.


Looking back up at what she has wrote already she realizes she has veared of what she intended about Miss Yawa and thinks a bit

[Anamnesis]

Faceless

By the time I had figured out why I was doing this, I was too deep to turn back. Miss Yawa Ekat had been seriously injured or so I thought. It was her injuries that had solidified my reason for taking the path to pursue Titogi and reclaim the amulet that was not his. Or so I thought.

There were many things I had learned from this trip.

Never Ever judge a book by its cover.
I truly believed that Miss Yawa had been injured severely by her rival. And it leads me still to question whether or not she was truly ever injured or she has so much experience with the Al'noth to be incredibly convincing even in her acting. She has made me realize that there is much to learn to be as good as she is.

There are many wondrous things the Al'noth can accomplish with a little bit of imagination and understanding.
I had never tried so hard in my life to be something I am not, and not for myself as I had originally thought, but to protect someone else. To help someone I had believed had been wronged. I found the  motivation to overcome my own fears. I found that I can not always rely on only my own knowledge, but  I found the value in listening to my friends as well.

Andrew, Jetta, and Daniel were there to encourage me but also in Daniel's case to make me think. He was most willing to help me because I am his friend, but to also make me evaluate my own character. He helped me realize my reasons for pursing this path were not to hide from those who might pursue My Beloved and I, but to use our gifts to help others.

Andrew is indeed great with his illusions but there is only so much they can accomplish, he is a great friend and sacrificed a great deal to help me. His life among those gifts he had given and which I can never repay him for. The 5000 true very inadequate and I know I must find a way to repay him for aiding me with my instructor. I know we both learned a great deal from her, but his advice along the way helped me to do what I had to do. "Walk like you have something between your legs." Andrew is crazy but I imagine if I had not listened to that bit of advise I would not have made it past the first room of the ruins.

Even though Jetta said she would not help, I can not begin to appreciate her participation and the great many lessons she has taught me, along the way.  She is indeed one of the best scouts I know and a good friend even if at first she would not help without being paid for it.  It's very hard to pay for services without the true, though perhaps there are other ways I could have repaid her.  

Always know your enemies and their weakness
I think I am sometimes my worst enemy, thinking that I know so much, but I have a great deal to learn. I have learned that I can not always face my fears alone, but also that sometimes I must. I know that I can not hide from my fears, but sometimes I can put a different face to it and face it head on.

I have learned that my enemies have their own fears, and if you can use that against them, then you can sometimes walk right into their home, without hurting anyone and accomplish what you are striving for. I know now that Minotaurs are very afraid of Golems, as Miss Yawa pointed out because their weapons will bounce right off, and their shamans magic does not harm them.  

So what are Illithids afraid of?

Understand the geography of the land around. (I should have taken this one to heart from Storold)
This isn't the first time or the last time I am sure I will regret my inadequacies when it comes to knowing the land I am fighting on. I had never been to willow's weep before nor the forest the pixies live in, but I know we could hear them, and they were very close to the ruins as well.

Never Rush into anything.
I have learned that when you rush into anything you make mistakes and people get hurt. You must know you enemy, know you terrain, know the weakness and strengths and also know yourself and what you are capable of.

I believe it was dumb luck and a miracle through Folian that I survived this trip, that I accomplished mostly what I set out to do.  Would I ever do it again? I believe so. If the circumstances warranted my new found knowledge, yes I would.  I would not do so idly though. Transmutation is not for the faint of heart, and I am not sure I am ready for another minotaur to flirt with me.  I don't think they ever bathe.

All I could think of along the path to finding the necklace was what would I do once I found Titogi. I thought at first I could pretend to be a dumb minotaur looking for food and that would get me close enough to get the necklace back. But I was wrong, I was able to get close enough but Titogi was Yawa and saw through me, though I did accomplish the feat of getting the necklace back. I still could not completely  trust that they were one in the same at first. I thought for sure that if I let go of the necklace, my life would be forfeit.

The grip of the golems was tight on my arms and I would still have bruises if not for my elven heritage. The thought though still makes my arms ache, but I learned a lot from Yawa, lessons that are invaluable, and maybe in the future we can work together again. At least I hope to do so under better circumstances, and better reasons.

A little wiser
~Breanna

[Anamnesis]

It is done. All I can do now is wait and hope. I know I have made mistakes, and I wish to the Longstrider I could take them back. That I could have stuck to my own convictions and been a little stronger in my resolve so I never hurt them as I did.

I know that Aden doesn't feel comfortable with my decision, but he stands by me. I know it hurts him to think we may not have as long together as we thought we would, or that we will not have the family we wished and the time together we thought.

I know that through everything he has stood by me, he has been to me, as I should have been to Nym. I can't begin to convey what it has been like, to make such a mistake and know that because of it, I am not trusted by most.

Zari calls me a betrayer, for the past, for things she wasn't aware of. She doesn't know me know. And it will be her choice to decide to ever take that step, truly though I believe she has already made up her mind and I could care less what she thinks.

She is hurting and lashing out and if its easier for her to be angry at me for her beloveds death, and for Nym's keeping her at a distance. What am I to do? I can try to make it easier for her, but still the decision is Nym's.

I know that Gel'larian died doing what he felt led to do, that he was with friends when he died, and he was willing to treat me as a friend where others were not.  

Still she is not the only in pain over his loss. He is sorely missed by a great many whose lives he touched with his kindness and understanding. I know I miss him.

I pray that Nym's pain and her own, ease over time and they truly do begin to open to each other, more than just as lovers, and while I will do my best to stay out of their lives, it is best at least one person knows to keep watch over her, hopefully from a very discreet distance.

I pray for a chance to make things right before I am called by the soulmother for the last time.

Longstrider, I pray you hear my prayers.


~~~~~~~~
Winged Trade, Summer Home 27, 1497

Last Will and Testament of Breanna ShadowRaven

All I have, all my worldly possessions, anything that ever mattered to me, My home in Hlint, I leave to Aden Delevath. I know that it will not ease his pain when I am gone. Any true left in my account is his to do with as he wishes. I trusted him with my heart and  I pray you trust another with your life as much as you did me.

You stood by me in the worst of times, you held me through the pain, and you listened to the truth with understanding and compassion. I pray that more people in this world look at you as an example of how they should be and appreciate you for the treasure you are.

There is so much I could say right now, but I feel those who cared enough about me, already know how I feel about them.

To Fehriel I pray you find another enchantress quickly to replace me. One who can gather her own supplies for crystal rods. I am sorry I never learned to swing a pick, but I did try to work hard for you, even for all my complaining I did. I do so just get a reaction from you. You are always to serious and you need to live a little more!

To Gorm, you have been a fierce protector through all my idiotic moments and helped me out when I needed it most, and always willing to speak the truth when I needed to hear it. I pray you never change and that you manage to keep Fehriel in line.

To Daniel, through my moments of self doubt and the mistakes I made you always tried to teach me to be true to myself, and that I should never let fear get in my way of doing the right thing. I know that the Lord Protector has a place for you by his side when you are called home.

To Duchess, Thank you for finding it in your heart to forgive me for the pain I caused you, and for being a great friend. I am truly sorry for all the hurt I caused you because of my own short comings. I know that within you resides a good person that most will fail to see. Always be true to yourself.

To my Parents, I am loved you very much and I can not begin to thank you for raising me as you did. I pray for you to find peace and know that in this life, the Longstrider always guided my path, even if I never followed the exact path you wished. You were always a part of me and Folian willing, I will watch over you in the life beyond as well.


If there is one thing I could offer to all of those whose lives I have touched, for better or worse, it is that you all find the capacity to forgive, to live, and embrace each other for the differences we each have, stay true to yourselves, and never ever betray your friends, no matter what. There is never a good reason, stand true, stand tall and stand proud because you may be the only friend someone has and no one should be alone.


I loved you all, and though I failed some of you, that I love you is a truth that remains.

May Peace be with you all.
~Breanna ShadowRaven

[Anamnesis]

She had sort of retired from Cailomel's settling in her home in Hlint, Kyreth had become her first priority, her son who she adored dearly, and a chance for her to do things right, learning from the hard lessons of mistakes she had made had made her appreciate all the more this chance she had been given to do something right.

There was no other place she would rather be, as she looked down into her sons beautiful eyes, and adored him, and became content to make their home something special, inviting to Aden, and a memorable place for their son. She had no regrets about moving from Hlint, and raising him here, Aden had his workshop below and she had her pantry above.

Still if the odd request came up she and Kyreth would head into town to meet some of the pack and do a bit of work, before returning home, but being a mother agreed with her, more than anything.

She no longer dwelled on her mistakes of the past. Everyone makes mistakes, she made hers, learned from them, and moved on. She had chosen to let the past go and move ahead.

She simply refused to let them consume her. Her life right now was all about this small bundle of love that had been created with Aden and her family is what mattered most to her.