Caly's wondering thoughts

[Alazira]

Dear Diary,  *crossed out*
Dear Journal, *crossed out*
Caly,
I know writing to yourself is a bit strange, but I am the only one I'd tell this story to.  Someone once told me that when you were confused, if you wrote out the problem that it would help you figure out the answer.  The question is where to start.  The only answer I can come up with is the beginning.  I was born the only child of a merchant and his wife.  My mother died before I had any memories of her, so for all intents, I was raised by my dad.  Through a series of behavior patterns by me, (using my beauty to flirt), my dad saw it fit to arrange a marriage.  He set me to marry another merchant's son.  I think he saw the business side of that.  In the end, I fell in love with Calanon, and considered myself lucky.  Cal and I were on our way back from the theater when the worst night of my life happened.  We were walking home, me classically refusing to wear a cloak because it interfered with the line of my dress.  As we passed an alley, some men took notice of me.  I wish we had taken another route home or I had worn a cloak to cover myself, but I didn't.  Instead three more attacked up that night.  One pulled me into the alley before Cal could react.  He fought the other two bravely.  I could hear him fighting the whole time I struggled.  Apparently the guy who grabbed me had faith his friends would win, because he never took his hands off me.  I still remember every detail of the night, ever hand placement.  I will not write that down though.  In the end, Cal won the fight against the friends of my attacker and came to rescue me.  It was then that the guy on top of me pulled a knife on Cal.  Cal won the squirmish, but paid with a deadly wound.  He died in my arms, me calling for help, clothes ripped and covered in his blood.  His last words to me were of love.  I lost it then.  I couldn't stand being in Spellguard; couldn't stand the pity in my dad's eyes; couldn't stand everyone looking at me.  So I took very little and set off to be anywhere but home.  I dressed in what amount to a potato sack.  I wore very covering, not hugging, no colorful clothing.  I wanted no attention drawn to me.  I rarely spoke and shied away from most men.  I was in short, pathetic.  I met people.  Most ignore me, because I was ignorable, but some tried to get to know me.  Some have and mostly still do treat me well.  The source of the main trouble I have today came in a most unusual way.  I was out in Alindor's preparing to go adventuring with others I know, when a silent man joined us.  He didn't speak and I generally thought he was a bit strange, however as the trip wore on, he had gone out of his way to save me time and time again to the point that I felt kindly towards him despite his silence.  He fell in one fight and I went to see if there was anything I could do to help.  There wasn't.  He was dead.  However, I did find out something shocking.  He was a dark elf.  After all the stories I heard as a kid, I couldn't merge who he had shown himself to be with what his skin color suggested.  Our trip continued on until only he, Keela and I remained.  Yet again, I should have died several times and he saved me.  Keela died however, leaving him and I alone.  As soon as she was unconscious, he began speaking.  Turns out he wasn't mute, simply hiding from Keela.  I found myself alone with him and both scared and not.  Scared because he was more physically able to make me do his bidding then I would like, not scared because why save me time and again if he wanted harm to come to me?  He got in my personal space and tried to scare me.  For once, I stood up for myself and calmly told him to back up and no thank you I did not want to be kissed, but that I would offer my friendship.  He gave the space as requested, but scoffed at friendship.  I thought I would never see him again and it was a was a while, but enter my life he did..  He sees life differently due to how he was raised.  Although I told him my story and he told me his, it was different from the pity I am usually given.  I'm not sure how, but we really became friends.  He is rough around the edges and tries to intimidate or scare me every so often, but I know he won't follow through, so it's pretty ineffectual.  He tries to lie to me occasionally (mostly only when you try to get him talking about feelings), but I know him so well now that lying doesn't work either.  He is definitely different.  Raised where you have to define words like friendship and love to him.  He doesn't get it.  In a world where he has to plat and scheme to go along with things or die.  One of his biggest worries the entire time we've been friends is what his other "friends" would do if they found out about me.  We have had our share of fights, because I learned to stand up for myself and he is hard headed, but in the end we'd (both of us) suck up our pride and apologize.  He spent a lot of time listening, talking and pushing boundaries, but not breaking them.  Slowly, o so slowly, he healed me.  I'm still no whole, but I am functioning and smile and am not always afraid.  At some point our relationship slid a little.  I asked him to kiss me, to help replace the bad memories.  I knew I could trust him.  Before long that slid until I was sleeping with him.  He was sure I'd fall in love with him, but because I knew where I stood from the get go, that was never a problem for me.  I love him, but am not in love with him.  I enjoyed him for who he was, accepted his faults, and was happy to have someone who understood me and didn't want to change me, only help me be whatever I wanted.  

Fast forward to a few months ago.  I was thinking that some day I would want to find someone who could actually marry me and have babies with me and live a fairly normal life.  My friend cringed anytime he thought I was too close to him, so obviously no need to go down that path.  Just as I was forming the idea, I met a man.  Elf really.  He is "my friend's" opposite.  Where one is arrogant, the other is unsure; where one pushes, prods, and demands, the other is gentle and caring; where one is loud and brash and tries to scare me, the other is quiet and generally gets along with everyone.  They are total opposites.  I thought I might end the physical relationship with the first man to see about making a go with the second.  

Because schedules clash sometimes, I wrote "my friend" a note stating just that.  I wanted to see about a home and babies and I knew that wasn't him, so I wanted friendship but to stop the physical relationship, as you should really only sleep with one man at a time.  With that letter sent off, I figured he would understand.  He never made a big deal about sex.  More that it was something to be enjoyed, not that it mattered who with.  Anyhow, I started talking to Kaelan.  We hit it off from the first we met.  He is understanding and seems to really care.  The first night he kissed me, he told me he loved me.  I have to admit, I did not return the saying.  Kaelan and I have been getting to know each other better.  

Today though, I ran into "my friend."  It was an odd visit, but he basically admitted he loved me, but thought he would make a horrible husband.  It shocked me to think after all the warning he had given me, it was he who fallen in love with me.  He panicked when I lost my mind a moment and used his name in the same sentence as loving me.  He fears always being watched and what someone might do with the information that he loved someone.  That is a dangerous thing for me.  I'd never be safe again.  So, two men loving me in such a short time.  Two very different men.  I think I care for "my friend" more, but he is totally wrong for me.  He told me to enjoy Kaelan and have sex with him and see if he is what I want.  If I wasn't happy, that he would be around.  He didn't make me chose, but O, the choice is there.  Now my thoughts are filled with the two men and I have choices to make.

This entry didn't help a lot, but I'll continue to think on it.

[Alazira]

So I took "his" advice and it was, well, wonderful.  It was like he was attuned to my every wish, even those I didn't know I had.  It was different that "him", but not better or worse, just different.  What worries me is that he is always so careful to please me that I never am sure whether he really is happy or if he just thinks he being happy will make me happy and thus he is happy.  If you believed the look in his eye and the words from his mouth, he loves me.  But how can I be sure when he, himself admitted that his past has him so messed up he doesn't even know what his feelings are versus what he think she feels when he is trying to please people?  Our whole time alone, I never thought of that night in Spellguard.  If I am honest with myself, I was comparing him at times.  That is normal though, right?  He says that our time did not trigger bad memories for him.  So at least I didn't damage him more.  I wonder if he'll grow more confident in himself and less puppylike as his magic grows.  I've tried having lessons with him a few times, but he can't seem to concentrate with me around.  I am not sure what to do with this relationship.  He seems to be madly in love with me, while I am lagging behind at "I think I might be falling in love."  I did not have the guts to use those words when he was giving me such devote eyes though.  I shortened it to "I think I love you too."  What do I do?  Until he finds out for himself who he is, how can I love him?  But as we seem to be so drawn to each other, how can I not?  I wish I had a friend I could trust to discuss it all with, but I don't fully trust Breanna anymore, "he" just wouldn't react in normal ways, and I don't feel I have other friends close enough for this discussion.

I had a long talk with Aden today.  Well, I might have raised my voice a few times, I don't really remember.  I just know that I did not hold back and that he made me a wee bit angry at one point.  We'll see if it did any good though.  He sounded weak.  I don't know if I can say that because I am learning to not be weak myself or if it's training by "him", but I look at Aden and see a weak elf.  Hopefully , my little pep talk helped.  He sounded more likely to stand up for himself at the end.

[Alazira]

I tried a normal relationship.  I wasn't happy.  It was like living in a snow globe.  The world looks like it should be perfect, but it isn't.  I'm going to break up with Kae.  As soon as I'm done writing here I think.  I tried to once already, but he didn't let me.  With that said, I'm going to do a very stupid thing and be with Him.  He uses me as his conscience.  He was thinking of getting involved in slave trading, but knew I wouldn't approve, so he didn't.  To more normal people that probably doesn't sound like love, but if you knew Him, you'd know differently.  He let me go try and be me, try to figure out who I wanted to be without interfering and was patiently waiting for me when I figured out what I wanted was him.  

I know it's stupid.  I know pairing up with him in any way is about as stupid as it comes.  But, He loves me in the way a man is supposed to, not in the way a puppy loves you (like Kae loves me).  Kae treats me more like I'm the best master he has had, than like a woman.  

My only concern is that I am His conscience.  What if he starts changing my mind on what is right and what is wrong?  I'll have to keep solid on that.  He's never asked anything of me in the past that I would be uncomfortable with, but if I spend so much time with him.  I worry.

I still think life is least boring with Him.  Life is something worth living with Him.

I told him I wanted to keep my shop and keep my public face.  He could care less.  He just wants me.  He won't admit He loves me, but I have no doubt.

[Alazira]

I did it.  I broke up with Kae and made the leap of faith to be with Him.  I don't know how smart that is, but I am already happier.  I guess there is something twisted in me to enjoy him so, but I do.  He is hooked on me and treats me better than I believe he treats anyone else.  

I still worry that while I try to get him to learn that he doesn't have to do what he was raised to do, he may indeed teach me to be less good than I was raised to be.  He wants to pick a side in an upcoming war and wanted to know if I would be able to kill the soldiers.  Wars are natural and soldiers sign up for war, so I think I'm ok with it.. but how much of that is right and how much of that is him playing with my head?

On another note, I finally talked Him into teaching me His language.  He refuses to sit down and have lessons at a table, but he is teaching me as we go.. one word at a time.  It may take a while, but if I study and remember each word he teaches me, maybe I'll know what danger I'm in if His other friends ever get theirs hands on me.  

Today's Lesson
War - Kyilm
Of Course - eosteymlaa
Incompetant - elstelityaanillan

I'm looking forward to our next meeting.  He isn't thrilled with teaching me, but he has a hard time telling me no.  I don't even know if he realizes that I've conned him into teaching me yet.

[Alazira]

I read this and realize that on top of everything else, I let this go.  I haven't done much other than run the Saddlebag in what feels like ages.  I finally decided to step out and first thing I did was pick a fight with "Him" or he with me.  In either case, my feelings were really hurt.  Ironically, it took a talking to from his current .. I don't know what to call her, to see things clearly again.  She thinks he loves me, but he isn't sure what love is.  She's probably crazy, but maybe she is on to something.  I hate gods.. but if anyone was to know about love.. she does follow Ilsare.

Raz says he'll be my friend, but he wants more than friendship.  I don't know that I'm ready for that.  Zari has decided to befriend me.  It's odd having people give a darn again, after so long of having noone.

I found Him.. and it actually picked back up as if things had never gone awry.  I missed him.  I didn't realize how bad I did until just now.  SehKy thinks he is my friend, but he doesn't get me.  Raz and Zari may eventually be my friends, but they are still just earning my trust.  "He" is the only one I have who knows me and likes who I am.

He's gotten colder in the years since I was in my own world running the shop.  Not colder to me, but colder to the world.  My time away back fired.  I hope that I can still reach him somehow and help him learn that his heritage isn't the only way.  I don't want him weak like an Az'attan, but not a blood thirsty man always expecting to be stabbed in the back might be a good start.  I actually got him to apologize to that Ilsarian friend of his today.  I didn't think I'd ever hear those words pass his lips.  So.. progress is being made.

He continues to teach me his language.. one word at a time.  I have a sinking suspicion, the words he plans to teach me will be better in a Xeenite temple than in keeping myself alive if ever it is needed, but.. beggars can't be choosers.  Today's word was Laanmety.  It means, "strip".  

I have decided that normal doesn't work for me, so I'm going to try for abnormal for a while.  Try making a few friends, so I'm not always so alone and see where that leads me.

[Alazira]

I ran into Him again.  He apparently has been spending too much time with his kin lately.  He is... jumpy to say the least.  Doesn't trust anything.  It took me a few days just to get him to be normal with me.  It didn't help that while we were talking in the inn, some of his kin walked by.  I had to make us unseen and we scurried out like scared children.  It makes me wonder who could make Him be so afraid.  I know he doesn't fear the actual confrontation, but rather the fallout.  He won't admit it, but he fears that someone will use me against him.  If he didn't care, it would be easy for him to allow them to hurt me.  However, he knows that if they associate the two of us together he will hurt for me when they hurt me.  So, scurry out we did.  

I took him back to the shop in Haven.  He hadn't seen it.  According to him it is "quaint".  From there we just went upstairs and talked.  My word of the trip was Nau, it means no.  He was not "in the mood" for lessons this time.  I think with the recent addition of more of his kin, he is truly worried though.  He wouldn't even discuss it with me.

Our conversations are the same as always.  It's like the time I was with Kae never happened.  I give him a headache... he argues with me no matter what I say.  We go round and round until one of us finally gives in and just kisses the other to shut them up.  I feel guilty sometimes.  I wasn't raised to be with a dark elf, but he isn't like they told me dark elves were.  Instead, he makes me a better person and gets me better than anyone else.  

We discussed his god, the surface elves "betrayal", and many other serious topics and all I find myself sitting here thinking is.. I didn't realize I loved him, til now.  Like really, truly, give up your heart because it belongs to someone who doesn't want it kind of love.

I have no intentions of ever admitting that to him though.  He would just think it another weakness.  He already thinks his feelings for me are a weakness.  I think I will just not push the envelope and enjoy the moment.

[Alazira]

Things to never tell Him:
1) I went out with some of his kind, knowing it was his kin.  In fact that it was the very kin we hid from just the last time I was with Him.
2) That while with that kin I died and felt a visit from the soul mother.

If he finds this out, he will call me all kinds of colorful names and then likely kill his kin for my death.  Vengence and all.

In the end, it's what I get for toeing that line and wanting to get to know more about his kin and thus being around them.  I have never had a problem with the giants before.  Only excuse I have is that I must have been distracted by making sure that they weren't at my back.

I am a fool to have gone anywhere with them to begin with.