CRUNCHA!

[Locust]

- Vampires lullaby -

Oye w’as t’at paper in t’e corner.

*Crunch picks it up, unravels it and reads it to herself*

A writing on the wall
Says it all
But men run past with flies
In their eyes
Move with haste, take the lead
Concede to greed
None watching their backs
Next teeth penetrate their necks

Me’s wonder w’as curly B’ will t’ink about it. Issa nice addition to B’s papers. Oess.

*Burps then spits wiping her lips with her sleeve afterwards*

[Locust]

Oye me’s ‘as been working ‘ard today. Me’s will tell yous w’at  ‘appened.

T’ere wassa t’is c’ef in t’e small village. ‘e wassa making us some free stew but missing t’e stuff to put in t’e stew. Me’s always interest in free stuff so me’s went looking for some c’ickens. Me’s men w’ere working ‘ard anda me’s came up wit’ cunning plan. W’y we’s no take one cow, issa easier anda cow noso fast. But me’s men stuborn anda wanted to take five c’ickens.

Oess. T’em got no smarty pants on. Oess.

W’en back in small village stew wassa nice anda me’s got nice words from T'e Sparkle to tell few words anda now yous lucky to listen to it.

Me’s gonna looking for t’e ‘andsome and t’e pretty
For t’e men who will do t’e smashing and t’e magics
Me’s will make t’en a plan cunning anda witty
To lure t’em anda for it use alla me’s tricks

* she squeezes here eyes, clenches here fists and while here belly tightens – farts *

Oye … T’at wassa a mig’ty fine stew me’s wassa ‘aving last nig’t.

Oess. ‘e yous no go away yet, me’s not finis’ed anda will go on now.

T’en me’s men gonna clubba t’e brains
Anda t’ey will play t’em other big’uns roug’
W’en me’s men are tired anda covered inda stains
Me’s gonna be fast anda take all t’em big’uns stuff

Oess. Issa good, me’s like. Good plan for t’e sparkle. Oess.

Now me’s men les go anda do some more clubbing anda make me’s wealthy for t'e sparkle.

CRUNCHA!!! * waving a hammer over her head *

[Locust]

* talking to here hammers  while polishing them with oil *

Oye me’s ‘ad some clubbing in some cave anda t’ere me’s ‘ad been talking wit’ t’em Sparkle anda guess w’at we’ve got some names for yous. Me’s will call you t’e Agat’a t'e tiny one for t’e delicate t’ings to do anda yous, big’un, yous are better for the smas’ing anda I will call yous t’e Bert’a.

Oye me’s pretty t’ings me’s met me’s matc’ today. Issa t’e lady M’ anda me’s ‘ave to keep an eye in ‘ere pocket. S’e’s fine wit’ t’em tricks of curling t’e men around ‘ere fingers. Les t’em do all the ‘eavy work w’ile we’s watc’. Issa fine livin. Oess. Buts me’s muss not forget to do some knocking too sometimes ot’erwise t’e men mig’t get suspicious anda we’s don’t want t’at to ‘appen do we’s. Also me’s ‘ave t’e wort’less stuff me’s can give away w’ile me’s keeps w’at me’s wants. T’em smart pants, noso.

Anyway muss tell yous story of some fine trick. Issa to do wit’ t’em sparkles. Me’s been spitting anda smas’ing till me’s ‘ands were green buts no s’ine. Noso. So me’s started asking questions to me’s men anda soon t’ey started talking abouts t’em oil. Me’s squas’ t’em juicy mus’rooms anda wit’ t’em juice me’s polis’es t’em sparkles s’iny anda also me’s ‘ands are clean. Issa two in one anda it didn’t cost me’s anyt’ing. Oyeoyeoye t’ey didn’t see t’at coming.

Buts me’s ‘ave to t’ink ‘ard until me’s brains will blossom abouts t’e skinny one t’at can s’ifts s’ape. ‘e’s was raving about some ot’er s’ine. If ‘e’s can give t’at to me’s, me’s can fixed it on t’e A’ anda B’ anda t’an me’s ‘appy. Buts if ‘e’s going to bump me’s buts me’s lets ‘ave t’e A’ anda B’ ‘ave t’eir way wit’ ‘im. Issa ‘is c’oice anda issa best to give w’at me’s wants. Ussum.

Oess. Me’s arm-pits are itc’ing anda me’s needs a full tankard rig’t now.

CRUNCHA!!! * waving Bertha over here head *

[Locust]

*after a tough day out in the wilds you decide to rest at the Hlint campfire and there you meet a female dwarf. She starts talking.*

‘ello pretty.

Oyeoyeoye … it’s been long ago since me’s been so lucky wit’ t’em sparkles. Me’s ‘ands are green again from the rubbin anda t’as w’at me’s live for … *catches breath* anda make A’ anda B’ s’ine someday so me’s can use t’em … *catches breath* anda get the yellow anda purple ‘ands from t’em dusters. Looks better wit’ me’s.

Buts let me’s tell yous w’at ‘appened pretty, me’s sure yous like story.

Me’s was alone in red caves smas’in t’em stones wit' t'em B' anda t’ey came one by one …. anda soon me’s ‘eard t’em gritters at end of t’e tunnel …. anda Me’s got curious anda found deader .. oyeoyeoye .. t’as noso fine anda t’en A’ told me’s to tilt t’e ‘ead of t’e gritters. So me’s did it.

*teeth start grinding*

T’en man wit’ t’em ox came anda ‘e was pretty, looks muc’ like me’s older brot’er … made me’s spine tickle anda me’s wounds feel funny. ‘e’s said ‘e’s from some clan .. never ‘eard of it … me’s from Dickur me’s told ‘im.  ‘e’s got strong belly toug’, noso soft from t’e drinking, noso … strong like me’s little brot’er. Buts ‘e was noso lucky today cause me’s ‘ad ot’er sparkle in t’e ‘ead anda me’s went upside.

*broad smile followed by an extended burp …. a swipe from the canteen .. finishing it off when she spits in the fire.*

On t’e upside me’s met wit’ red anda yellow. In ‘lint. Many s’innies anda s’arptoot’ t’ere anda me’s ‘ad lossa talk, made me’s ‘ungry for boar. Red anda yellow know w’ere t’ey are anda so we go, ‘e’s talking about big'uns buts me’s don’t see t’em. Big'uns, muss ‘ave smelled us coming … Oyeoyeoyeoye ….. We find boar t’ere anda now me’s ‘aving noso fat but juicy meat at ‘lint campfire anda me’s belly is tig’t. Oyeoyeoye .. issa fine living.

*with filthy hands she cuts another piece of the meat hanging over the Hlint campfire and presents it to you while winking and bearing a broad satisfied smile.*

Me’s been lucky today wit’ t’e sparkles buts still A’ anda B’ no s’ine.

CRUNCHA!!! *waving a piece of boar meat over here heard*

[Locust]

‘e! Issa yous again! *here eyes still twisting and some foam hanging from here lower lip, the remains of the poisonous bites she had received earlier that day.*

Me’s been ‘aving some fine time issa started w’en me’s was going from ‘lint to ‘aven. T’ere was t’is fella anda ‘e was all messed up anda s’aken anda screaming from ‘is lungs. ‘e was going on about t’em spiders so w’at me’s did was follow t’e road w’ere me’s met some other fella’s. All s’iners, ‘oney’s, pretty’s, little skinny ones anda big skinny ones anda one s’arptoot’ anda me’s ‘ad t’at one good buts more on t’at latter. All went looking for t’em spiders anda t’em ‘oles t’em spiders come from. All fine but noso w’en we ‘it t’e sand, lossa spiders anda t’em spiders bite me’s one time to muc’ anda t’en me’s don’t remember.

*an insect lands on here chin, she slams it and foam is flying around freely. Some of it hitting you on your clothes and some exposed body parts.*
 
Some long time later me’s could see again anda me’s was ‘anging in the arm of a luger anda wit’ t’e other arm the luger was ‘itting some scallies anda me’s don’t know w’ere me’s was. Oyeoyeoye .. t’em lugers are some fine folks. T’ere was also lossa water anda t’e smell was noso nice anda t’ere were many scallies, spiders too. Do yous grok? Okies.

Later me’s was walking again anda t’ere were mountains anda t’e s’arptoot’ again and t’is time ‘e was kibitzing. Oyeoyeoye .. t’as annoying me’s ‘ad to slap anot’er fella two times in the face so me’s felt a little less pressure on t’e nerves. But t’en it ‘appened, t’e s’arptoot’ was sleeping on t’e job anda t’ere is fine cure in t’e mines for t’at anda me’s kicked ‘im in the bud few times anda did ‘e wake? Oyeoyeoye .. ‘e did anda me’s kicked ‘im again w’en me’s caught ‘im sleeping on the job again. Oyeoyeoye .. t’em s’arptoot’.

Anyway me’s also did find t’ere. It’s looked like a rock so me’s picked it up since me’s never know w’as in it anda w’em me’s chopped away t’e bits some paper came out. It ‘as lossa writing on it and it’s pretty wort’less so me’s gives it to yous anda yous.

CRUNCHA!!! *waving an empty hand directionless through the air*

*when she walk away you unfold the paper and start to read*

The heroes from not so far away

Watch the heroes see them go
Armour strapped with steed they wave while we bow
We cheer while they brawl and they chatter
About the bees and sunny weather
About a virgin marry once saved
Far away lands and high seas they braved
Living a life of wonders where everything is bliss
Tales how they silence the viper’s venomous spit and end its hiss
Adventures with colourful dragons and spiders that roam in shadow
Places where tyranny was reaped and on their glorification they grow

For us they will wield
Sword and shield

But

Excuse me, if I may
Hear me when I say

Before we put on our nightgowns and before the sun will set
They will return hastily reeking off fear and off sweat
Begging you please to hide in your cupboard and under your bed
Their pride vanished, their pants wet
Scared of the critter, the rabble and the brutes
I tell you their myth shattered by the goblin recruits

Believe it or not
The heroes .. poor sod

Biddle Toodles Slickfoot