Diary of a curious Elf

[DMOE]

I found a note on the bed from Brit it said the following:

these times are troubled and these times are good
and they're always gonna be, they rise and they fall
we take 'em all the way that we should
together you and me forsaking them all
deep in the night and by the light of day
it always looks the same, true love always does
and here by your side, or a million miles away
nothin's ever gonna change the way that I feel,
the way it is, is the way that it was
 
when I said I do, I meant that I will 'til the end of all time
be faithful and true, devoted to you
 
 
that's what I had in mind when I said I do
 
well this world keeps changin', and the world stays the same
for all who came before, and it goes hand and hand
only you and I can undo all that we became
that makes us so much more, than a woman and a man
and after everything that comes and goes around
has only passed us by, here alone in our dreams
I know there's a lonely heart in every lost and found
but forever you and I will be the ones
who found out what forever means
 
when I said I do, I meant that I will 'til the end of all time
be faithful and true, devoted to you
that's what I had in mind when I said I do
truer than true, you know that I'll always be there for you
that's what I had in mind, that's what I had in mind,
When I said I do

I can't decided if he suspects my confusion over Kai or just wanted to tell me how he feels.  Sometimes neither of us is good with words so it was nice to get the note.  I may ask him why when next I see him or I might leave it.  I don't know. yet.

[DMOE]

I ran into Abi, Ranewin and Angela at Fort Velensk.  It was nice to catch up and chat with them even though I am still distracted by this Kai thing.  Angela said if I ever wish to talk to her I am most welcome.  I thanked here but explained I didn’t want to talk about it a lot. She was nice and understood.  Geir arrived a short while later and I remembered he was the jeweller Rolf had mentioned.
We decided to go somewhere but were having trouble working out where to go and suddenly Angela made a comment about somewhere being dull and safe.  I had a sudden fear!  I made my excuses and left.
I left my home as barely an adult in my people's terms and was brought to Hlint by a dragon to help fight Blood.  I met Elladan who reminded of me of my brother, I met Brit, Master Noss and a few others.  Brit was the first man in Hlint to show an interest in me for more than my looks and within weeks I had married him.  What if I did it because he is dull and safe?  Not that he isn’t also kind,loving, and considerate but when all is said and done he is also dull and safe.  What if Kai is right?  What if it is my ‘lack of experience’ that lead me to marry Brit?  What if all the change in my life made me look for something stable in the chaos?
Oh God’s I am so very confused!  I really don’t know how I feel at the moment.  I know I do have feelings for Brit and I do enjoy him but why and what are they?  I’d like to blame Kai for making me think this way but if I’m honest the whole Dougal thing made me worry.  Elladan is right.  I need to work out what I feel for whom and be honest with myself.

[DMOE]

I ran into Master Noss in the Red Goblin Caves. Ironically enough he was collecting greenstone which is what I had been planning on doing.
We began chatting quite nicely until I commented Mith had given me a gift.  Master Noss informed me that Mith was evil.  I told him that I knew Mith wasn’t always nice but that I believed a good friend who want nothing off him might help tip the balance within him. Master Noss didn’t seem to agree. It was very strange.  I asked him what he would have thought of me if I laid with Dougal and he asked if he was my judge now.  I pointed out he was willing to judge Mith.  I really couldn’t see why we were arguing and told him I was confused and he comment that he thought so as I hadn’t sounded like myself in the caves.  This confused me more.
How could I not sound like myself?  Maybe this Dougal thing has changed me but not that much surely?  I am entitled to make my own opinions about people and my own friends!  Also I don’t see why my opinion should have to match others because they wish it so or think they know better!
I went with Master Noss to the Craft Hall having first stopping to say hello to Ranwein and Lan on the way.  When I arrived at the Craft Hall shortly after Master Noss he said I could have stayed to chat to my friends and I pointed out he is my friend also.  He commented that he thinks he is.  By this point my head was starting to hurt again!
To cut a very long argument short.  Argos had seen me recovering from having fallen in the Dragon isles and Master Noss was not happy about my adventuring.  He seems to think I should not be adventuring unless I am certain there is no chance of failure.  He seemed to think I had been lead into danger on purpose as an unexpected creature appeared.  We had done everything we could as a group towork together and support and protect each other but no that wasn’t good enough for Master Noss.  I should have noventured out of the door in case I got hurt!
Gods I am not a child and will not be treated as such!  He may have decided he does not want to venture places but I have not.  For heavens sake I have been living under the threat of Dougal for months now.  He could have taken me from my home if he wished and none could have stopped him!  But obviously that’s different because it wasn’t my choice!  Well I like adventuring, hell I enjoy it.  It’s not even like I’ve done that much of it in the time that Master Noss has know me but it is obviously too much for him!  Its things like this that make me wonder if Kai is right!
I understand what Master Noss is trying to say but I’m not willing to sit and idle my life away completely doing nothing that may risk me!  Also I’m not going to give up on someone I consider a friend just because someone else has a problem with them!
No doubt once Master Argos tells Brit there will be another lecture to follow.  No doubt reminding me of my responsibilities to him and the baby once again as if I’d forget them.

[DMOE]

Thinking on things I suppose I must have changed.  But then it is hardly surprising that I have.
Dougal’s interest and what may have need to be done to stop him made he think about lots of things I never would have otherwise.  It also made me realise how strong I actually am and if I’m honest it made me question Brit also.
I don’t mean because of his desire fro me not to lay with Dougal, no wife can blame her husband for that but more for his inability to understand why I need to help if I could. The fact that he could not see that the greater good was at stake and that sometime sacrifices need to be made regardless of what they are.  How he distrusted everyone and assumed that because they asked things he did not like then it was wrong.  He is a simple man and the Dougal thing pushed him greatly.  It makes me wonderif he will cope with the fact that it is not over completely.  That our child can be a force for evil or good and which ever one it chooses it may change the world.  Well at least he should have no trouble believing that as a messenger of Elladan’s god told Elladan that and he has no reason to lie.  
Will this be a burden that I carry without Brit I wonder or do I risk telling him to have him bemoan how terrible it is and why can’t the God’s just leave us alone as if I didn’t feel that way also.  To have him complain that we are simple people who should be left alone.
You know most of all this Dougal thing has made me wonder if I am a simple person.  Would a simple person have been willing to risk everything to help?  Luckily I didn’t have to but I would have done.  I’d have risked my mind, body and soul on a chance to save all those lives.
Oh god’s I am so confused, I really am.  Maybe more time will clear things in my head.

[DMOE]

I was still not in a good mood from talking to Master Noss when I ran into Brit in the Craft Hall. I asked him what he wanted to do and he said I was to choose.  I can never decide if that is sweet or just unimaginative.  I suggested we hunt deer so we headed out towards the Lake to discover there were no deer today.  Brit suggested the Forest but I wanted to show him the new outfit I made which he liked.
I suggested we take a walk into Hlint and see if anyone was going somewhere we might want to go too. Brit agreed for once.  I wore my new outfit in Hlint and Ranewin complimented me, she can be so sweet.  Pyyran also complimented me too.  Chatting to Ranewin and Pyyran it seemed Jilland Daren were going to the Dragon Isles again and Pyyran was going down Haven Mines.  Once again Brit said the choice was mine.  I decided on Haven Mines as I’d like some gems.  By this point a gentleman arrived to give Brit some potions so I went to talk to Ranewin whileBrit traded.  Angela arrived shortlyfollowed by Annun then Sy.
I was really enjoying laughing and talking to my friends but all Brit did was stand there and say nothing, nothing at all well apart from when I introduced Annun and asked if Pendar was a Cleric.  I almost felt guilty for wishing to speak to my friends as it seem to exclude him. Annun was really sweet and gave me a wand of neutralise poison as she is worried about its effects upon the baby. I also traded her some dusts for some gems.  I suggested we eat dinner in the inn with her and Brit did agree but I wasn’t sure he was completely happy.  He decided to go to the well so I walked with him and asked why he had been so quiet. He said that all the different people talking confused him so he kept quiet.  Surly he has not always been like this or do I just remember the witty conversations where there are 3-4 of us?
Elhara joined us at the well and I gave her the good news about Dougal and the baby.  We started talking about the Masked Ball and the whip lady.  Brit reacted very badly and commented that it was obviously time to tease him.  By this point my mood was much worse.  I suggested we ate at the campfire and asked Elhara to join us which she did.  I was mean over and over again to Brit and it didn’t get much better when Lan arrived a short while later.  I’m not sure if I actually had a reason to be or if I was just trying to find one but he did make comments about me having gone to the Dragon Isles and my ‘male friends’. On a day when Master Noss had spoken to me about my ‘adventuring’ these comments which could have been innocent caused an interesting reaction.
I explained that may be the baby and finally knowing Dougal was dead was affect my mood.  I then hadt o explain about Dougal to Lan.  Funnily enough Daren and Jill arrived to camp around then and I introduced Brit and Daren explaining to Brit that Daren knew who had killed Dougal.
Brit was sweet enough to ask if there was anything that could be done to help with the baby to make me feel better.  I decide to return home and rest.  Brit went with me.  He suggested a swim in the pool but understood when I was not in the mood. We climbed into bed and snuggled down.
I really was mean to him and have no idea if I had the right.  It is starting to annoy me that he just stands and doesn’t even try to talk to people.  I’m sure I don’t remember him always being like that but I could be wrong.  I doubt he meant the comments the way I took them but then he has made similar comments in the same way and meant them before.
On the way home he was concerned about a joke I made withAngela about people bossing me about.  He was afraid people would think he was bossing me about.  I explained that they would not because while he didn’t see the joke ever one else would have done as Angela and I joke often.  Not that he knows this!
I also discovered Elhara can make furniture so Brit asked her is she can make a crib for the baby as he admitted his wood working skills are not up to it.  She agreed bless her.
I still need to try and work out where my head is and what I want.  Thankfully I haven’t seen Kai in a few days so I don’t have him to confuse me!

[DMOE]

Rolf is back to normal! I bet he is so happy.  I ran into Elladan and suggest we head out to Fort Velensk as I suspected Angela might be there.  Elladan complained we ran the way there, bless him.
We did run into Angela, Abi and Nex.  Nex had to go to Hlint but would come back so we were going to go and mine Topaz but first I asked to speak to Angela.  I took her to one side and explained how Kai was pursuing me and how I was confused. She was very helpful and we talked for quite a while.  She reminded me that Kai will say anything to get a woman into bed which I know but it is good to hear from someone else.  She did also point out a few things about being in love and told me I need to think long and hard about being with Brit regardless of how Kai is involved.  She is right. If Kai can confuse me like this when I don’t even know what my feelings are for him then I need to look at my marriage anyway.  I admitted to her that I had nearly left over the Dougal thing but I doubted Brit was aware. I just kept getting sick of the arguments but they stopped before I made my finally decision.  I can’t work out my feelings for Kai until I know I can trust what he’s saying to me and only he can prove that to me.  I decided I need to think on what Angela had said so feigned tiredness and suggest Elladan and the ladies went out without me while I sat but the lake.  Angela promised to keep Elladan safe and they set off.

[DMOE]

Was in Hlint and ran into Abi, Barion and Ranewin.  We had a really good time chatting.  Abi and Ranewin got to feel the baby move and Pendar arrived for us to tease.  I’ve asked Ranewin, Abi and Angela through Abi if they would be with me when I givebirth.  They agreed which I’m pleased about.  Sy, Annun and Thais came past so I asked Sy and Annun to be there also.  I think i may have offened Thais but it was not my intent.  Ranewin had to go as did Pendar and Elladan arrived.  I think he likes Abi.  I took the opportunity to sneak Abi off and talk to her about Kai.  She has known him along time and while she agrees he has never been faithful to one woman she thinks he does truly wish to settle down in his heart of hearts.  I told her he had said that I am that woman for him to do that with.  Abi has kindly said she will try and find out if he is telling the truth.  I’m not sure it will make my life any easier but it will be good to know.  Angela arrived to tell us Blood’s forces had been sighted off the coast.
Suddenly a call went across the land to defend Fort Velensk so off we dashed!  It was a hard battle and I did fall once but we managed to turn his forces back for another day!  I left the others to think quietly.  The battle had made me realise I need to be happy and I need to work out what will make me happy.  Life is too short even for me to not do mybest to be happy.

[DMOE]

Decided to go to Hlint for some company and ran into Angela and Abi again as well as a few others. Abi needed to go and get spider silk so I offered to join Angela and her.  Angelo also decided to go.  Well it’s safe to say I really don’t like Angelo!  Apart from that Abi ran into the spiders and nearly fell.  This made Angela very unhappy.  We got into the Goblin Wastelands and Ranewin ran past saying she was on a rescue mission.  Angela and Angelo ran off with her and Abi stayed with me.  We went to the house and I showed her round to discover that Brit has had the fireplace installed.  God’s that made me realise how hard this is going to be!
We sat in the lounge and Abi explained how she seems to be getting worse at hiding in shadows rather than better and how difficult it is as she used to be able to do things like fetch spider silk on her own.  She also seemed to think she was making a mess of things with Angela.  I told her she wasn’t and did my best to listen and help.  She did seem to feel better.
She asked me if I wanted to be warned before she spoke to Kai.  I didn’t understand why until she pointed out that it would make things very certain if he does mean what he says.  She thinks that I need to decide about Brit first.  She is right of course and I already know that.  It’s what I am trying to do.  She spent hours trying to get me to admit my feelings.  I know what they are, she knows what they are but I will not allow myself to think about it.
While I am starting to think I may have confused security, stability and lust with love that does not mean we couldn’t be happy.  It all happened so fast and so much has happened since.
I suppose it all depends on Kai now and he doesn’t even know it!  I just hope Abi has chance to speak to Kai soon.
We returned to Hlint to try and find Angela so Abi could speak to her and when we did find her she rebuked Abi and Abi ran off.  I tried to talk to Angela but she stormed off.  I ran out of Hlint and blocked her way.  I told her to pull herself together and work at her relationship.  That she had told me how important it is to be happy and true to yourself but that things need to be worked at.  Ranewin arrived with Abi at that point and they started to talk so we quietly left.  Ranewin had to run so errands so I sat with Barion.  Azaria, Kai’s intended arrived and apologised to me for having to dash off during and earlier conversation with Kai.  Then she started to say she wasn’t sure Kai loves in the way he claims.  God’s I wanted to be anywhere other than where I was at that moment!  Luckily Mith arrived and said hello.
I had a lovely long talk to Mith during which Angela came and thanked me for my help before taking Abi home.  I asked Mith he wanted to feel the baby move and he was worried he could hurt it in someway, he is so silly sometimes!  I mentioned I was craving pies and a short while later he made one appear as if by magic!  Acecea had been around though and I know she makes pies so there might be a connection!  Mith seemed strangely angry to discover that Dougal had tried to poison the baby but happy that the threat had passed!  I felt the baby move and quickly grab his hand.  He seemed really surprised to feel her move.  He suggested we sit in the inn as by this point we were becoming surrounded by oxes.  We continued to chat a little more before I started to get tired.  Mith offered to arrange a room I the inn for me to rest and I pointed out I only live in Fort Llast.  He said Blood himself had attacked people in the goblin wastelands every so recently and that he wished to escort me to my door.  I assured him he is always welcome to look after my safety if he wishes.  We walked back to the house and he gave me a wand and some more magic stones before we bid each other good night and I fell into my bed.

[DMOE]

I was talking Elladan in his room when I felt a pain.  I knew straight way it was the baby.  I was in labour!  I told Elladan we had to get to the temple in Hlint NOW!  He didn’t question me so we left the house and head off.  Elladan started to apologise for how slowly he was walking.  He’d fallen recently and didn’t feel himself.  I explained I was in labour so hardly running myself.  He didn’t panic.  I’m proud of him for that!  He did offer to carry me but I refused.  When we reached the Goblin Wastelands Elladan saw Justin that Paladin of Toran and sent him in search of a cleric.  While I was staggering along the road Annun arrived and helped me.  Suddenly I was at the temple in Hlint.  Ranewin, Ozy,Annun, Elladan, Mith,Sy and many others, including Avatars.  I did not understand the Avatars presence and tried to explain it was too soon.  I was told it wasn’t too soon at all but just right. Ozy made some comment about me not having been told everything.  I was in such pain.  Angela arrived and I held onto her and Annun’s hands as I delivered my child. It was all very confusing with many people talking together.  The child is not Brit’s.  She is half mine and has wings!  She is the child of a Celestial Avatar and is being hunted by Dougal’s children.  Just as everyone was telling me I must give my baby up for the good of all Jacchri arrived and was a gentle voice of reason. I have always trusted him so I listened. It seems that the Celestial Avatar who original helped us get to Dougal’s house to retrieve Ly and has been tracking Dougal has been killed.  But not before she impregnated with ‘our’child.  I don’t claim to understand thatbut it obviously needed to be done.  Now that she has been killed there needs to be a replacement to guard her plane.  My child!  It will be trained by a Paladin of Toran no less.  God’s I think I dislike that bit most!!!
I asked Ozy to explain things and collected those I trust to return to the house.  Jacchri arrived ashort while later and Abi quite a while after that.
Ozy explained things and I explained I had decided to leave Brit.  I realise through all of this that I do not love him as he deserves.  I care for him greatly and desire him greatly but it is not in fact great love.  I had been willing to stay with him through out his life if Kai hadn’t meant what he said but the baby has changed all that.  Brit has such a distrust of the Avatars that the stress this baby will bring will be unbearable as I don’t love him. *tears stain the page from here down*
Ozy offered to talk to Brit for me and while I was tempted it is something that I need to do. Jacchri was so very sweet.  He said that I should just tell Brit I don’t love him as if Brit will say “oh,that’s alright love and walk away”.
I have managed to arrange finances to pay back Master Noss and also some money to give to Brit to cover what has been spent so far.  I will also let him take what he wishes from the house.  Maybe one day he will forgive me for rushing headlong into our marriage and confusing love with security, stability and lust.  I will never marry again.  I will never make that oath to another.  It is a small thing but all I can give him.
I left with Elladan to a safe place while my friends dispersed.

[DMOE]

I left Aranna in Maurele’s care Elladan catching up on his sleep and went for a walk.  I ran into Annun and Angela just outside Hlint and we chatted.  Annun left to do some alchemy while Angela and I walked into Hlint.  We arrived at the benches and Mith was there so I sat with him.  Angela went to play some form of game with Acecea.  Mith whispered that Remiel Delmir had just walked into Hlint. Jacchri also arrived.  Maurele arrived and introduced me to Remiel and tried to hand him the baby.  I growled and she handed her to me instead.  Jacchri implored me to give Remiel a chance after I explained I haven’t liked the Paladin’s of Toran I have met so far.
I thought Remiel should meet Elladan so walked back to Jacchri’s with Remiel.
We started to talk on the way as I know we will have to spend a lot of time together.  I explained about Brit and the fact I believe I care for Kai.  Remiel was surprisingly un-judgemental.  We arrived back at Jacchri’s and I introduced him to Elladan.  We were talking when Desre one of Dougal’s children attacked. Elladan and Remiel saw her off. Jacchri then returned and as we were explaining what happened and tried to work out what to do next Mith arrived with a gift for me.  Things he thinks will help.  He is so sweet!
Jacchri then started to fall under the influence of one of the children due to some poison he has been infected with but managed to fight it.  It was then Remiel decided we could go to his house in Hlint so off Elladan, Mith, Remiel and I set with Aranna.
When we arrived there Mith explained to Remiel how he may be able to help and took his leave.  Remiel asked to speak to me alone so Elladan kindly left us to it.  God’s how I wished he hadn’t.
What is it about me?  Remiel was nice and pleasant but also flirting with me.   I eventually asked him why and he told he likes me and in that way too.  For God’s sake we have only just met and while I had told him much about me as by this point I had explained all abou tDougal and such I know little of him.  He said he does not wish to seduce me but he does have an interest in me.  I reminded him of my situation.  I have yet to leave Brit and I do not know what I feel for Kai.  He asked if I like him in that way and I told him he is handsome, charming and I enjoy talking to him.  He said that in a sense that was liking him like that.  I am so confused!  
I have told Remiel that I am young.  I confuse lust for love and don’t always know what I am feeling he accepted this and wishes to support me and Aranna as he has been charged. Everything else is to take second place to my little Aranna in my mind.
God’s she is so lovely and I cannot believe how easy being her Mother is. Yes there is work required but she is such a lovely bundle of joy!
Well I need to sort myself out and decided what I feel for who!  I may even need to do nothing about how I feel until this is well and truly over.  Until Aranna is grown a little and the pressure is off.  I can not keep being blown along by these emotions of mine towards the next pretty man showing an interest or I will be as bad as Kai is accused of being!  
Remiel has not made things any easier by revelling his interest but I asked and at least I know!  I knew after talking to him for a short while that Remiel was going to cause me problems!

[DMOE]

I was fed up of being stuck in the house so we decided to goand fetch my ox from the old house near Castle Blackford.  I knock on Master Noss’s door just to be certain but there was no answer.
I asked Remiel if it was ok to nip back to the house in Fort Llast.  He said it would be alright.  When I was checking through the chests I realised all of Brit’s things were missing and then I found the ring I gave him, his wedding ring and his door key in the last chest.
I know I wished it to be over but not like that.  I have no idea why he has left.  Maybe he could tell things were not right,maybe someone said something to him.  I suppose I’ll never know.
We walked back to Hlint and I thought I saw Master Noss outside the bank.  I checked and it was indeed Master Noss.  I paid him for the house and tried to give him the gifts I had been given back but he would not take them.  Nor would he take any money to hold for Brit.  He doesn’t know where Brit is and even if he saw him I doubt he’d tell Brit I was looking for him.  I think it’s safe to say I burned all my bridges there.  I ran back into Remiel’s house and cried.
Remiel returned and comforted me and we talked somemore.  It is all I seem to do is talk at the moment!
An Avatar from a different plane appeared and informed us that the Children are tracking Aranna through me.  When Dougal poisoned me he left a mark upon me so they can always find me.  I told Remiel I should leave!  If I go they when they find me Aranna will not be with me. We argued about this.  Remiel reminded me he had promised to protect us both and I pointed out it was sound tactics.  Eventually we agreed to disagree and I agreed to stay.  I would hate to leave my darling girl but I would do what ever is needed to keep her alive!
I nipped to the bank to fetch some clothes out of the chest there and Desde appeared.  I ran out of the bank and towards the well where Ranewin, Cray, Justin and someone else were talking.  I told them Desde was attacking and they followed me.  Justin attacked her and fell fast then she stuck me down. I do not know what happened after that but I was raised by Cray and then Kea appeared.  She asked where Aranna was so I told her Remiel was with her.  This satisfied her and other than telling me to keep ‘her’ away from her chosen she left.
Remiel ran up and asked if I was alright.  I was furious he had risked Aranna so by bringing her outside the house.  Then someone wondered past and gave me Toran’s blessing!  I told him to stuff it!  Remiel calmed me slightly and I went back to the house.  I explained how it seemed almost as if Desde knew we were in the house but couldn’t come it.  Then I heard Kea searching through Remiel’s chests so I told her to stop being rude.
She came and explained that I can not leave Aranna as there is a special link between us which will stay in place until Aranna can choose for herself.  The link was supposed to bef ormed to Remiel but there was no time. I am starting to feel more and more like a brood mare as this progresses although Kea assured me that I am not useless in all this.  I do wonder! The link was supposed to be to Remiel, Remiel is to train her.  Would I have had a place with her at all if Remiel had arrived sooner?  Kea left us then having also explained that it is Remiel himself that prevents the Children from entering the house and that I am in more danger if I go anywhere without him.  Also I can risk Aranna through the link if I am not careful.
Remiel raised the fact that people may think Aranna is his.  I couldn’t understand why as she has wings.  He admitted he is half Celestial himself and that his daughter has wings.  I asked if it would bother him if he was assumed to be the father.  He was so sweet and told me I am a fine woman and he’d have no problems with people thinking he had fathered my child.  I told him my reputation would probably survive it also.
We talked of his daughter and her mother some and then there was a knock at the door.
Three people entered, Roxx, Glok and someone else.  One of them had been transported to another plane and had learned there that maybe the water from the Lake will hurt the Children as the lake is so pure and the Children so evil.  All three pledged to help in anyway they can.  Remiel was so sweet again.  I could tell it worried him that they know our business and their presence put him on edge.  I thanked them as nicely as I could for we can not expect people to not have an interest in the child that may be their salvation.  I am not use to this role but I am trying my best.
After they left I needed to rest and Remiel agreed he needed to also.
I went into the common room to one of the futon’s and Remiel seemed surprised.  I reminded him that I had suggested we all sleep in the same place earlier and his little room would not fit him, me, Aranna and Elladan.  He seemed a little put out so I tried to explain that it isn’t him I don’t trust.  Of course that made him try andget me to blush again by explaining exactly who it is I don’t trust when he already knows!
He is handsome, charming and very nice.  I find him easy to talk to and do enjoy his company but I will not make a mistake again nor will I rush into things!  Although my time with Brit has awaked an enjoyment of carnal desires I will not be held to ransom by those desires.  I am not one to give myself lightly and I know I am experiencing great turmoil in my life and especially with my emotions so I will do what ever I need to ensure I can keep him at arm’s length so to speak for I fear for my heart if I don’t and if I give my heart away again I so wish for it to be right!

[DMOE]

Well sat in Remiel’s house with very little to do than talk and get to know one another!  It is becoming very clear to me that I desire him but other than that I do not know how I feel.  Eventually we ended up discussing feelings.  He likes me and desires me but isn’t sure exactly how to explain his feelings for me.  I explained that I don’t just lay with people or are happy with it lasting a few nights. He understood all this.  I then explained that I need to sort out my feelings from my marriage, my feelings for Kai and then my feelings for him before I try to do anything with anyone.  He again understood me.  I asked him to give me time and be honest with me, I then told him I would try to do my best not to hurt him and be honest also.
We took a short walk to the benches in Hlint and Ranewin arrived but she was wearing a hood.  When I questioned her she drew it back to revel she looked like an old woman.  I immediately told her that she was still beautiful because her heart shines through. It turns out she had helped with something on Bear Island and due to a curse it affected her every time she raised.  Even worse she isn’t sure people even appreciated what she was doing.  I told her we’d find a way to sort it out and she left to rest but not before I gave her Aranna for a cuddle which cheered her up.
Rakan arrived in Hlint and was curious as to what I was holding.  When I explained it was my baby he was worried he would scare her.  I told him it was ok and he came and had a look. The wings surprised him and he was curious to know who the Father was.  I managed to change the subject which isn’t difficult with Rakan.  He offered to teach Aranna to fish when she is bigger so I promised I’d let himknow when she is big enough.  He left to do things but returned a short while later with clover for luck and some elderberrys.  
Remiel and I chatted again and we talked slightly of Kai.  I also think I surprised Remiel slightly when I commented that if I was cheated on I would stab the man concerned.  I explained I have a jealous streak and would expect my man to keep himself to me and this was why I had to end my marriage before I started thinking about Kai.  Remiel did not think I am too jealous but maybe stabbing was a little over the top! I did point out I wasn’t talking about killing, just causing pain in a nice fleshy bit which wouldn’t cause too much damage.  He seems to think I have a dangerous side that he might need to find out about but that it’s ok because he likes a bit of danger.
Ran arrived back just as we were leaving so I could nurse Aranna.  I think after that she can go to Remiel for a cuddle while I soak in the bath.
I wish I knew that Brit was at least safe but I think I will never hear of him again!

[DMOE]

I had a really good soak in the bath and Aranna was fine with Remiel while I was gone.  Strangely enough we began to talk again after my bath, again!
Remiel was curious as to how I am coping with Aranna and being stuck with him so to speak.  I explained how I’d given birth in the middle of Hlint surrounded by strangers as well as friends.  I also reminded him of the troubles with Dougal and pointed out that actually it was quite nice spending time with my daughter and him.
I suddenly realised that I’d actually spent more time talking to Remiel in the short time I’ve known him than I spent talking to Brit in our entire marriage.  I couldn’t help but revile that I was thinking about something so of course Remiel asked me what.  I explained what I had been thinking and he asked me I liked to talk and I think I do.  I pointed out that I had done all the question asking and maybe it was his turn.
He dropped his arm around my shoulders and asked me if I could cope with it.  I replied I could and he gently pulled me slightly closer. He commented that if anyone came in now they’d think we were a happy family or ‘something’.  I commented they probably would unless they were Elladan and then he’d probably shout.  It felt right to be holding Aranna while Remiel held me.
I asked him if he wished to be a happy family or ‘something’.  He pointed out that we already are ‘something’ and asked if I agreed. I agreed we are ‘something’ as I don’t know if I wish to be a happy family with him yet.  He decided that ‘something’ isn’t bad.  I told him I was glad he thought so and he seemed slight surprised by this.  I reminded him that it’s not that I don’ tfeel for him but rather I don’t know what I feel or how much.  He told me he hoped I could find out and I replied so did I.  He asked me if I had any ideas how I might find out and I confessed I did not and asked if he did.  Typically he didn’t either but he also pointed out that his thinking is a little different to mine and that his situation is different.  I asked him how.  He said he thought the situation being different was obvious and that as for his thinking he knows what feelings he has and such but that he just isn’t telling himself what they are.  I checked that he meant his situation is different because he has no confusion and tried to understand why he isn’t telling himself what he feels.  
He asked me how confused I am.  He was trying to make the point that only I know how I feel but that it can be difficult to know how you feel.  He then reminded me that I told him he confused me and ask if he confused me less now.  I had to admit that he does confuse me less now as I feel I have a better idea of his intentions towards me.  He asked me what I thought those intentions are.  I carefully stated that I may be wrong about them and not put them in them in the best worlds but that I don’t think he wishes to bed me and leave me.  He told me that I was correct and he has no intentions to bed me and leave me.  Then he asked me how I knew he had any wish to bed me at all and I pointed out he’d kissed me.  He pointed out that I’d kissed him too and I gently reminded him that I had already admitted I desire him.  He commented that he supposed I wouldn’t just leave him after that either and I told him I wouldn’t and if I had wanted to just bed him I would have done it by now.  He pointed out that I assumed he’d let me or that he is that easy.  I granted this was a fair point but also said that I thought if something was offered willingly and he knew how it was offered he might accept and he had to admit it was possible.
He went quiet and was obviously thinking so I commented on it.  He asked me if I didn’t like him thinking.  I pointed out I had no problem with him think but that he’d just gone quiet. He said he was wondering how much Aranna affects what I want.  I was about to answer him when I realised I had taken to long to do so and he’d dozed off. We have spent many hours talking and maybe not enough sleeping for Remiel.

[DMOE]

I spoke to Pendar today and explained about Brit, Kai and now Remiel.  God’s how bad that sounds!  I explained how Brit had gone but I would have asked him to leave anyway. I explained how Aranna isn’t Brit’s which confused him and how I had some sort of feelings for Kai so had to end the marriage rather than live a lie.  I think he will get used toit.  Mith arrived and listened quietly as his way and then Jacchri arrived.  I explained to Pendar that I know Remiel has an interest in me and how it is all very confusing and he begged me to act with caution.  Well I had planned on doing that anyway.
I asked Jacchri from his opinion on my two suitors and he ruled Kia out straight away and warned that Remiel may have commitments with the church and to think wisely.  Penda ragreed about Kai but could not comment on Remiel.  By this point Ran was sat listening and she suggested I see where things lead with Remiel. Mith of course pointed out that I don’t need a man and should consider being on my own.  It is a wise suggestion but the feelings I have building for Remiel may not tally with it.  Jacchri commented that love would find me when I least expected it and I took him off to one side and pointed out I have feelings for Remiel too and they are most unexpected.  I’m sure he found it very funny that I had feeling’s for the Paladin I was sure I would hate.  He also said he will defend me and Aranna with his last drop of blood.  He is a good friend who I wished I saw more of.
I returned to discover Ran gone and Pendar arguing with Mith over his feelings for me.  I pointed out that Mith’s feelings for me were not actually any of Pendar’s business and fear I may have been harsher than I intended. I left on the best terms I could with Pendar and took Mith to the bank to return some of his money I didn’t need. I then returned to the house.

[DMOE]

I had another long talk to Remiel today.  He made me blush some more and we skated around feelings some more.  He did explain that he needs to go out later as the last woman he had a relationship with so to speak wishes to say goodbye to him before leaving.  I was please he was so honest!
He was teasing me so and trying to make me think about how If eel for him and it was so difficult.  At one point I answered him in elvish for it was the only thing I could think of to do.  I told him E nyeycw celaa sa irailmanane aey Maseac which means I could lose my heart to you Remiel.
He carried on teasing me and I eventually worked out that it is because he worries I will bury these feelings which are devolving and that if he teases me it will remind me they are there.  I asked him if this were so and he admitted it might be.  I tried to explain that there are questions I won’t ask because I fear the answers and that I can’t think about him too hard.  He of course wished to know why and I again resorted to answering him in elven.  I said fanyilylaa eo e anireln ilfeyan ean eamecc celaa salaaco ane aey which means because if I think about it I will lose myself to you.
By this point I realised I am the happiest I have ever been in my life and how much I have enjoyed the past month or so with Remiel and that he has feelings for me too otherwise we would not be having this conversation.  
He asked me to teach him what mother and Father are in elvish and was saying how strange it would be for Aranna to call him Father.  He asked if he could be a Father to Aranna and I told him it depended.  He of course asked how.  I pointed out that he was a Father to her in all the ways that mattered so if that was what he meant the he is.  I also asked him why he dances around what he desires.  He asked me what I meant.  I asked him if he wished us to a proper family with a mother and father who loved each other and their children.  He asked if that was I wanted and I reminded him I asked first! He continued to dance around the question some more until I got fed up and eventually told him if he wished to continue to dance he should find another partner!  He apologised and checked I truly wished to know and then informed me he wishes to be with me.  I confessed I also wish to be with him but I explained my fears.  I asked to take things slow and not make any serious decisions till we’ve had chance to speakto Elladan who I feel has the right to know but I did ask Remiel for a kiss.
God’s I did not know I could feel such passion!  I could lose myself in his kiss for days and I fear that I would never wish to stop kissing him!   Don’t think we’d better do that again until we have spoken to Elladan or it won’t end at a simple kiss!
Remiel held me while I nursed Aranna and I truly feel there is no place I’d rather be than his arms.

[DMOE]

Elladan took Aranna for me and I thought Remiel had left to see his friends so I went out into Hlint. I fancied someone to talk to that wasn’t male for a change and also thought some more food from the inn would be a good idea.
I ran into Elhara, Azaria, Ran and another lady on the benches.  It was nice to sit and chat for a while.  Ran saw how happy I was and asked me if it was due to Remiel.  I told her how wonderful he is and she is so happy for me.  We had a slightly intresting moment when we were discussing Remiel and Ran commented he talked more than Brit and listened more than Kai as she’d forgotten Azaria was there.  Luckily I don’t think Azaria realised why Ran had made the comment as it doesn’t look like things are still on between her and Kai so we got away with it!  Then one of Azaria’s friends arrived and she left.
Ran gave me one of her lovely dresses as she doesn’t feel comfortable wearing it in her present condition and we had a long chat about that and men learning elvish in elvish. Eventually we must have bored Elhara as she asked us if we could hear her.  I still find it very strange that she doesn’t speak elvish.
So Ran need to go and Elhara and I where chatting when I heard Remiel say good evening behind me. I nearly died of shock as I wasn’t expecting him.  I asked him I was in trouble and he said perhaps.  Thankful Ran arrived back so I introduced him to both Ran and Elhara. I’d changed into the new dress Ran gave while she was way which pleased her so of course I had to show it of to Remiel who seemed to like it.  We all chatted for a little while although Remiel wasn’t as talkative as he is at home. I explained to Remiel that I had come out for food and suggest a walk to the inn.  He commented he had no money but I pointed out I had enough to buy us food. When we were leaving the inn to return home we ran into Sy and she too saw how happy I was and guessed it was due to a man.  She introduced herself to Remiel but had to leave as she was tired but hopes to get to know him better another day.
We arrived home to find Elladan and Aranna had both fallen asleep so we left them to it.  It seemed very strange to be on my own with Remiel and he too commented on this fact.  We were just sat cuddling on the sofa for a while chatting about nothing much when I decided to get a drink.  As I stood up I heard a sound and realised that someone had just left themselves into the house.  It was a very sensual and attractive woman.  I realised immediately it was the friend Remiel was going to meet.
I said hello and she said I must be Ireth but failed to introduce herself.  She made some comment about being early and when Remiel said she wasn’t she made a comment about being confused as she had thought it would just be the two of them.  I was very proud of the fact that I didn’t react to her words or they way she chose to say them.  I just told her not to worry as I was going to bed anyway and then they would be alone. She decided to wait outside at this point.
Remiel told me it was Kali and apologised.  I asked him if he was sorry about her at tempt to imply that things between them are more than they are and reminded him I trust him.  He asked if I thought she had meant to imply that and I replied that if she hadn’t and normally acted that way I doubted she had many female friends! I told him to go and he said he’d ask me later what I meant about the way she acts.  I told him I’d do my best to explain and that he might want to get his key back from her.  He said we’ll see and I asked him why he wanted her to keep the key?  He said that wasn’t what he meant but that he didn’t think she do anything with it.  I pointed out that she could walk in whenever she pleases and that we could have been doing anything.  He said he didn’t think she would and I pointed out she already had.  He then asked if she had been interrupting anything and I said that it was more I thought she had hoped she might.  I told him to go again and he informed me he’d ask me later.  I asked if he referred to her behaviour and he pulled me close and said he might ask me about something else instead.  I reminded him that if he kisses me I won’t want him to stop and this pleased him very much, I could tell although I doubt there is a man alive it wouldn’t please to be fair!  He commented it was nice to know and gave me a little space.  I also reminded him I wish to tell Elladan of our feelings for each other before we go too far and he settled for a kiss on the cheek before leaving.
God’s the way that man makes me feel overwhelms me sometimes.  I was try to explain to Ran what passion he makes me feel but I can not find the words for it!  I just hope he feels as I do.  I am very different to Kali.  She is very, very sensual.  She knows this and uses it too.  I wonder why she felt the need to try and imply there is more between them than Remiel has told me now.  I do hope he gets his key back.  While I was proud of how well I handled her attempt to upset me I’m not sure I’d be happy knowing she can still come and go as she pleases!  I also hope he doesn’t try and get me to explain her behaviour too him later.  I don’t really want to explain what I think of the woman who shared his bed before his interest in me regardless of how much time has passed!  Personally I hope she is a very long time away on her trip or even chooses not to return but I know that is the jealousy talking!  I wonder if Remiel ever gets jealous.  I doubt it somehow but I’m sure I will discover for myself in time.  Oh I asked Elhara to make me a new dress in the blue Remiel said he like on me that will show off my legs as a surprise for him.  I know she will do a good job so I hope he likes it!

[DMOE]

Snuck out into Hlint again, God’s I am getting terrible!  I was sat minding my own business on a bench when a gentleman with wings appeared.  After and initial misunderstanding where I confused him with someone else we introduced ourselves.  I don’t remember his full name but he was happy to be called Plen.  He remembered me from a time we travelled together which unfortunately I don’t remember and some of the events happening now.  
He asked me where Aranna was and I explained she was safe with two paladins to watch over her.  He asked to know more about them and I told him I didn’t mean to be rude but we have enemies in many places.  He asked which God’s they worship and I was happy to tell him.  He said he knew a paladin of Toran called Remiel.  Oh how I laughed and Plen seemed happy to know Aranna was being so well looked after.  We chatted some more mainly about what had been happening to me and also Remiel when Remiel arrived.  He chatted to Plen also for a while and then suggested I might wish to go home as I had been talking along while.
Elladan and Aranna were once again asleep so we stood talking again.  I don’t know how we ended up doing it of what happened but I told him I love him and he said he loved me also.  God’s I have never been this happy in my life before!  We talked some more about what this meant to us and made each other promises.  Oh and we kissed and kissed.  It was wonderful!  We went and sat on the couch and I asked him how meeting his friend had gone.  I pointed out how she had tried to make trouble between us and was about to ask him about her key when Elladan awoke and came through.  He seemed to not care that Remiel and I were cuddling on the sofa and in fact we slipped into our old and easy ways as if much of the stress in our lives had gone! It was nice to see the man I call brother not worrying so for a change!  He seems to like Remiel too!  He asked to speak to Remiel alone and as I heard Aranna awake I left them to it.  
I seemed to sit for and age before Remiel came to me and his first thought was for Aranna.  God’s how I love this man.  She is not even his and he cares for her so!  I told he I had told her that Daddy said hello and she’d smiled.  This pleased him.  I spoke to him of living together once this is over and he told me doesn’t care were he lives along as we are with him!  I said I liked his house just fine.  He asked me if there was anything I wish to change and I told him other than a dress I’d found which wasn’t mine it would be Kali’s key.  He asked why and I asked him if he would wish my husband to have a key to the house and he replied he would not.  He said that while Kali had not been his wife he could see my point and would do something about it.  Elladan arrived back and asked how Aranna was and I told him she had missed her Daddy and Uncle of course.  He seemed surprised I had called Remiel her Daddy but as I pointed out, people who weren’t at the birth will assume he is anyway so…  Elladan had to admit it was probably true!
Elladan had wished to speak of the lake when we heard the call to fight Blood’s forces go out. Remiel could not decide what to do. I told him that a long as he came home safe to me I didn’t mind!

[DMOE]

Abi and Angela have been arguing again.  I tried to help but I don’t know what to say or do.  I tried to talk to Angela but she didn’t wish to talk.  I did manage to talk to Abi but I’m not sure it helped. I did reminder her that I care for her and she has been a very good friend to me and all I can do is help it helps.
Rolf arrived with a few others where were sitting.  After a while it became apparent Rolf wished to speak to me.  He commented it had been a long time since we’d had chance to speak. I asked him if he had heard about Brit and he comment he’d only heard rumours so I suggest we move to a quieter bench to talk.  It seemed to be silly to sit so close to the house and talk outside so I invited him back. We talked about Brit and I did my best to explain how there had been problems over Dougal and the Avatars, then about Kai declaring his interest although I didn’t name him.   I explained the baby also.  Rolf was not impressed someone had done this so I was rather glad he didn’t know who!  I think Rolf understood.  Elhara arrived and dropped off the dress I ordered and then Remiel arrived home and I couldn’t keep the smile off my face as I greeted him and asked if was alright after the battle.  Rolf seemed happy for us and said he needed to leave.  I had to ask if we were still friends and he assured me that we are.  I explained that Brit is a very good man and Rolf agreed.  I then said that I just didn’t think he was the man for me.  Rolf looked from Remiel to me and said he had to agree with that and then bid us good night.
Remiel immediately asked if Aranna and I were well.  I told him I had something to show him and that it was another new dress.  He teased me about all my new dresses but I didn’t mind. Elladan came in and said he was going to get bandages and things forwhen we go to the Lake.  I went to the bank for money and got changed into my new outfit before I got back home. Elladan was just coming to met me as I got to the door and when he saw my outfit he assured me that be gone for many hours!
I went back in the house and showed Remiel the new outfit.  He really liked it and seemed even more pleased when I pointed out it had been made with some of his likes in mind.  He commented he was still wearing his armour so I took Aranna and settled her for her sleep.
We discussed the battle and that I had been worried.  He seemed surprised I had been worried and I explained that having only just realised how I felt about him I didn’t want to lose him now.  He told me he won’t leave me.  We snuggled on the sofa and discussed how we’d missed each other before we started to kiss.
God’s how he makes me feel! I burn with desire for him when he touches me like my veins are filed with a fire only he can extinguish.  He was very gentle with me and went slowly checking that it was what I wanted and that it felt right.  He even checked that Aranna would be ok and that just made me want him more.  He cares so for both of us.  I told him I had never felt passion like this before and how I can find it overwhelming but that I like it also in between his sweet kisses.  He admitted to me that he hasn’t felt passion like this for another before either.  That made the fire inside me burn even more.  I surprised myself with how vocal I was about how much I wanted him and how well I matched his passion with my own.  While there was tenderness and caution there was a joining of equals too.  I have never experience love making like that and true lovemaking it was also.  There was so much passion and desire in our eyes and such love too.  I gave myself to him so completely and he to me.  It ended with gently kisses and the telling each other that we will always have each others love.
I can face anything in the world with this man at myside.  With his love I can conquer any fear with his passion and desire I can be the woman I need to be.  I just pray the Soul Mother is kind to us with the time we have together!

[DMOE]

Well the time came. Maurelle came and fetched Elladan and I. She took us to Aboura where we waited. After time a party arrived to escort us to Lake Tara.  It include my darling Remiel of course but also Mith, Jacchri, Lady Rev, Enzo, Thordan Ironheart and many others.  It was good to know Aranna was to be so protected although tactics seemed a little sketchy to say the least.  Not sure that Rhizome understood what I meant when I asked for an idea of tactics as all he said was they were going to get me to the Lake.  The group seemed to split into two.  Those that went ahead and those Jacchri organised to protect Aranna and myself.
Well I suppose it worked rather well from what I saw of it.  Eventually we made our way almost tothe Lake to be confronted by the two remaining children.  Enzo made his way back and suggested that our group sneak past the children while the others were engaging them.  It did seem to make the most sense so once the fight had begun we ran for the Lake shores.
We made it without incident and then the pressure to bathe her began.  Did they not understand how hard it was for me?  I carried this child inside me, felt her movements before she was even born, brought her into the world,suckled her and cared for her.  Now I was to bring her to maturity and burden her. To leave her, to be parted from her. Oh how simple it is for them.  Tik has been killed, Celestia must be protected, Ireth’s daughter must do it so what are you waiting for?  One even seemed to think Remiel must be the one to bathe her!  Over my dead and cooling body!!!  I was the one that birthed her and while Remiel has been a Father to her no one was going to do this but me!
I bathed her and then she appeared on the Lake shore.  God’s she was so beautiful!!  I told her how proud she made me and how beautiful she was.  That I always her Mother and to call on me if she has need. Uncle Elladan reminded her of his oath to protect her also.  She told us that Celestia is safe now and she will guard it until the true guardian is ready. I fear this may be Remiel but no doubt time will tell!  
Aranna gave me a wonderful gift to treasure and remind me of her which nearly made me break down but I would not have her last sight of me for a while be of me crying.
I told her I had the joy of our time together within my heart and she looked from me to Remiel and commented that there will be more.  My heart leaped with joy when he agreed with her!  He had kept his distance through it all as I’m sure he needed to but to her his words then reminded me he is there for me.
Aranna then removed Dougal’s poison from Jacchri and returned us to Arabel.  I lost Remiel in the slight confusion when we arrived in Arabel but I’m sure there was a good reason why he did not travel back with us. Jacchri very kindly escorted Elladan and I back to Hlint and it was wonderfully ironic that I fell to a Griffon outside Fort Hope but luckily Jacchri sent a bird to Rolf and he raised me.  We met Abi in Hlint and I explained I would talk to her soon but needed to rest. Abi, Jacchri and Elladan all reminded that they are there for me which was good.
It would have been nice to have returned home and just lay in Remiel’s arms but it was not meant to be right now.  No doubt he will return soon and hold me.  I lay down on Remiel’s bed holding the gift my daughter gave me and rested.

[DMOE]

I decided to not sit around the house so went to visit Angela and Abi to tell them the story of Aranna.  Also about Remiel and I.
They were very understanding and supportive when I told them that Aranna was now guarding Celestia but they teased me so about Remiel.  Abi offered to make a whip in any colour I chose in case he needs ‘whipping’ into shape! I blushed so much.
They are happy for me about Remiel even though neither of them has a love for paladins which show’s what good friends they are!
I ran into Postmaster Vale on the way home and he gave me a letter.  I recognised the handwriting immediately and it took me quiet a while after I got home to open and read it.  Brit claims he was run out of town.  I would dearly love to know who did that and why!  He also said he was told to keep away from me or he would be killed by my protector.  I’m guessing he meant Remiel and I suppose in someway I can understand why he might be told that.  I was in hiding with Aranna after all and Remiel would have defended me against any threat although I refuse to believe Brit would have been a threat to either of us! I’d still like to know who said this to him.  He is a good man and he deserved to be told in person why I wished our marriage to end. While it was not something I relished doing it was a right he deserved.  Well at least I know he was safe although I do not know if he is now.