Ygraine Ursus - Notes in a Diary

[Acco]

~~ The path to becoming a shifter - my true form ~~
 
 I found my uncle - Droog Ursus - what deep joy. He was out by Lake Corax as I was out hunting and together we went to fight some giants.
 
 He is an awsome fighter, and although he is like all the others of my clan, he doesn't really want to have anything to do with avenging my tribe. He is also not a shaman or a shifter, so he is not going to be of any help to me. Except in one thing.
 
 We were in some deep and dark caves, full of giants, and I was badly injured. I needed some rest, but he wanted to leave the caves quickly. I told him to go, to leave me, and as I did, I felt the insides of my body harden and change to help protect me. I was calm as I felt this happening, then almost as suddenly as it happened, it returned to normal again when Droog said he would wait a little longer.
 
 I have not felt this change before, but I think it must be part of my response to change. I suppose that if my outside changes to a bear, my insides have to change as well. And if I can change into this dragonling I can sense on the edges of my perception, then it would make sense for my insides to change  as well.
 
 It is gettig nearer and nearer. I can sense it more often now and I am excited by it.
 
 I hope Annwyl is not frightened.

[Acco]

~~ The path to becoming a shifter - my true form ~~
 
 I know now how to change my shape!! I was out by Corax Lake, resting and listening to the plants and trees, when I saw some berries on an island on the lake. I wanted to go and eat the berries, and suddenly, there I was on the island. I had wanted to go there and remember thinking it would be easy if I could fly, and so I flew there!
 
 No anger, no bears, no spirits; I just changed and flew there. Strange though, for I mut have fallen asleep after eating them and flew back because some time later I awoke and I seemed to have flown back to the spot where I was before I ate the berries.
 
 No matter. What I know now is that I needed my anger and bear totem to show me that I could change my shape, but now I know I can change without any of them - they helped me to understand myself, but now that I do, I do not need them any more.
 
 What a revelation! I have the knowledge now and know I can change my shape, because my shape is not important as it does not define me!
 
 It is me that remains constant throughout and the rest is simply a shape I can take to suit my own purposes. I must have known this all my life I suppose, because nudity never bothered me and I am rarely aware of my own nakedness, something Annwyl and Cardin are always reminding me of.
 
 I will concentrate hard and try again to take on this dragonling form I can sense blossoming on the edge of my awareness.

[Acco]

It is becoming easier and easier, this form changing.

I was with a large group of people: Annwyl, Val, Jebediah, Larissa and Xanya, and we were out around Orc's Watch and then onto Vale, where I stopped with Annwyl to rest and let the others go on.

I have Annwyl to thank really, for she has shown me true love, and love has conquered my anger, and this, in turn, has allowed me to understand myself. I can still sense my bear totem, but he has become a counsellor, more, and he leads me not in anger any more.

I am wandering, really, for what I mean to say is that Annwyl has opened the path for me to take the shape of whatever I want to be. I need no anger, I need no totem to guide me, for I am safe and secure in my own-ness to know who I am am, so that my shape does not matter. I can simply will it now, and I am the shape I need to be.

I realised this as we were leaving Orc's Watch and saw a boar ahead. I felt it would be good to talk to her, so I simply changed into a wolf and went and talked to her.

It was wonderful. It was liberating. I was still me.

I could still see Annwyl perfectly and still felt the same way, but I was talking to a boar and it was talking to me.

Deep joy, for I feel I am on the threshold now. Not much longer, I hope, to take that final step.

[Acco]

I was fighting some goblins today, with Xanya and a strange dwarf called either Hail or Big Man (I think he was hiding his identity).

We were fighting some really tough goblins, and I was having trouble hitting them, so I sheathed my scimitar and shield and changed into a bear in front of the goblin as I knew that shape would give me the extra power I needed. He must have been shocked, for he did not attack me, and with the power of my new shape, I killed him where he stood.

Xanya was especially pleased as she is a true Bear Warrior, so I fought like that a little until I no longer needed the bear form and turned back into mu human shape again.

What is pleasing is how easily I can do this now. The dragonling shape is nearly within my reach now.

[Acco]

I was out by Corax Lake, and ran around a corner and straight into a giant.  

Oh my, I was unarmed and unarmoured (Annwyll would laugh at that - she says I already wear too little armour to make any difference), but I reached into myself and shifted into the only shape I know that would help me at that moment, the bear.

I found Annwyl's love of myself deep inside me - she loves me for me, and not for any outer covering I may be draped in. She was really happy when I shifted into a panther by our campsite, and she laughed like a girl while I ran around her in circles, and licked her face afterwards.  She said then that she didn't mind at all what shape I took, as she she knew it was still me, and it was my core she loved.

But I digress.

There was the giant, so I shifted into the most powerful shape I could think of at that time, so I became the bear and fought it. It was hard, but eventually I prevailed and overcame it. Not once did I lose my temper, or my sense of self, and happily walked back to Haft Lake to go for a swim. I was swimming as a bear, but when I jumped out of the water, I was back in human form again so as to not upset the locals.

I can change shape with ease now and it is becoming easier the more confident I become with my own inner being and sense of self.

[Acco]

I was passing through Hlint and met up with some adventurers, Annwyl, Trenton, Azk'a, Sonya and a horrible elven man who wouldn't give his name but wore bandages on his face (Verdin Cowl). He insulted me and I was going to belt him one, by the Captain held me back. Just as well for him.

I digress though. A woman came up the street with a little girl who was unwell, and although trenton examined her, he could find nothing wrong. We toook her to the temple and I watched the little girl, and I got it.

I think because I am in touch with myself, and know who and what I am, I sensed the change in this small girl. As I watched, it became obvious to me that the girl had been bitten by a were creature and I was aware of the inner changes going on within her.

I warned the others, and sure enough, the girl changed and in her new form, killed her mother. The others killed the girl, and we now hunt the monsters who did this, but I am pleased that I sensed, or felt, the change in the girl well before her physical changes appeared.

I am convinced this is because I know my own true self so well now and am well grounded in my own reality and that around me. I can't wait to perfect this skill and change onto other shapes as I need them. Perhaps I will be able to change into the were creature the girl fell victim to?

[Acco]

I was out by Palden Lake and came across a cave in the Whithorn Forest, so naturally, I went in for a look to see what in it.

I rounded the first corner and came face to face to with a large brown bear - I don't know who was the more surprised - it or me? Normally, I would have been furious at being surprised, but instead, I tried to empathise with the bear and walked casually towards it as I did so. It looked at me steadily, but did not attack.

Encouraged, I walked nearer but could see the bear was still not entirely friendly to me - what to do? Almost as soon as I began to think of solutions, it came to me, and I changed into a bear in front of it. I had no sooner done this, than the bear came to me and nuzzled me - I was overwhelmed by the bearness of it, it's power and strength, but it had sensed my spirit and calmness I am sure from the first sight, and was merely puzzled by me. I must be projecting my own self awareness more now than I had previously thought.

I had the bear follow me as I toured that cave and found other bears, who also were friendly to me, but then I spotted some beetles so decided my experiment had gone far enough.

I returned to the cave mouth, talking to the bear all the way in grunts and roars, and it seemed perfectly at ease with me, even when i changed back into human form again.

I left my new bear friends behind and returned to the Lake to go fishing and ponder this new development.

No anger, even when surprised! I must remember that as I am sure it made the difference between fighting and friendship.

[Acco]

I met up with Xanya today, and we maneged to fertilize a lot of goblins and things, as Cardin is wont to say.

Xanya is learning well, on her route to become a bear warrior, but I know now that my path lies in a different direction. Fighting alongside her, I see in her the anger that I used to feel, and where she uses that anger to fuel her strength, I know now that I do not need it, for my strength comes from my secure knowledge in my own being.

I have now used my own desire to change my shape to a bear, a panther, a wolf, a badger, and even a boar.

What made this all the more remarkable is that I changed into a boar out of sight, then ran up to Annwyl (I do love her so) and she knew it was me, even though I snuffled around her feet as as boar! I think she sees the real me inside whatever shape I assume (and she has admitted to me that she loves me no matter what shape I take).

I am beginning to feel the real stirrings of a new shape that I can take, with just a little more effort. Annwyl's love has freed me from my connection to my old anger and has released this inside me, to know my true self and my true nature.

I can feel this new shape....

[Acco]

I took a leap of faith and went out past Krashin to the Ice Island to see if I could find a polar bear and some ice wolves. I wanted to test my new resolve on  them to see if I could befriend them in their own shapes and then as my own self.

I eventually found a polar bear, and walked towards it confidently, but slowly. At first it bristled and growled, but it must have sensed no danger or anger in me, for it returned to foraging for food.  I stepped out of sight and smell and repeated it again and again until it happened without thought.

My final test was to approach it as a bear, then to reveal myself as a human to it and see how it responded, and I was amazed to be successful again.

I repeated this with some winter wolves, and although they were in a pack, I tried to radiate an aura of confidence and not anger or violence, and it worked as it had with the bear. I even changed into a wolf in front of them and they acted no differently.

I am positive that I have enough control over my own feelings now to be able to change into whatever shape will suit my purpose. I need to explore the world now to see what other shapes I can take - they must be wide and varied and simple animals are now no challenge to me at all.

[Acco]

I continue to be amazed by the power of self-awareness and the easiness and advantages of controlling my anger.
 
 I met a man today when I was with some others: Annwll, Xanya and Grendola. I can't remember his name, but he said he was from the Raven clan of Krashin. I am sure it was the Raven clan who attacked my village, but I did not get angry and kill him right away (which I woul have done some months back), but instead talked to him calmly. I did not treat him warmly and explained my antipathy, but for me, it was a revelation.
 
 I felt in control and aware of myself and my feelings, instead of as before, my rage would have taken me into combat right away.
 
 I listened to the man and heard his explanations as to why he wouldn't have been involved, so I offered some consolation to him by saying that he could earn my trust. Annwyl was great - she was gooing to defend me and attack the man on the spot - she looked to me for our sign - but I signalled her to her that it was okay and that I was in control.
 
 There seems to a lot of things about me that I am learning as if I was a newborn and as much as I love my bear spirit, it seems I have found a new path that my shaman teacher knew nothing of. I must say, I prefer this new route immensely and am waking each mornng with a freshness in my heart and sould that I have not felt since I was a child.

[Acco]

I revisited Krashin again, to try to talk to the wolves and bears and see if I could  take on a shape to help me with the goblin riders.

The bears and wolves are becoming easier to control and if I approach them softly and gently and without anger, they seem to be quite accepting of me.

I even tried it ad a bear and it worked just the same. My anger is under control now and I am in control all the time and what a difference it makes.

On the way to the goblins, I say some adventurers in the distance and they had run foul of the kobolds, so watched them for a while to see how they handled the kobolds. It became apparent that they were struggling, and once one of the kobolds summoned a wolf in support, I went to help them. I changed into a bear and ran into their company to help out and in a short time, had helped them defeat the kobolds. They seemed surprised by my presence, but I remained that way as I found it enjoyable and left them shortly afterwards, all the more puzzled by my appearance and disappearance.

[Acco]

I have found a challenge I must take some time soon...me against a bear worthy of my skills.

I found it by complete accident when I was out past Krashin.

It was just standing there, unfazed by the weather or anything else. It was so powerful I could feel it's aura before I even got near it.

And so my challenge will be to bend the bear to my will and then become it's friend for a time in need. I know I can do this....