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Author Topic: Iri Ambercress's Exciting Tales of Adventure  (Read 445 times)

Gulnyr

Iri Ambercress's Exciting Tales of Adventure
« on: July 13, 2011, 04:44:46 pm »
One night, I met a Rofireinite, one of the stuffy ones, in Hlint.  Her name was Samantha.  She was really tall and covered all up with golden bits.  There was no doubt she could not hide in a corn field on a moonless night.  I asked if she was an adventurer because she didn't look like an adventurer.  And I was right!  She said she was not an adventurer, and then we went on an adventure.  Tall people.  *shrug*

First, she led us to a house with a magical portal, because we were going all the way to Center.  It was a good thing there was a portal; she said she was the worst storyteller currently alive and I believed it.  Inside the house, the portal glowed before us, maintained by some terrible, occult ritual in the cellar, I'm sure.  Potato sacrifice, maybe!  Samantha wanted me to go first since one of us had to be brave.  And then WOOOSH! and I was in Center.  I thought of all the friends I had missed on the road, but was glad to have avoided the torture of the worst storyteller alive!

We crossed town to the entrance of a grim and ominous crypt.  Samantha prayed for half an hour, asking for enough blessings to cure a plague in Port Hempstead.  When she was content (or when her voice gave out, it's hard to say), we went to the door.  The big, metal slab took all the might we two could bring to force it open.  Inside was an arcane barrier, designed to test the worthiness of adventurers by some eccentric mage, I bet!  Then there were fancy doors, and behind them skeletons!  Maybe a hundred!  Who puts fancy doors in a crypt?  *shrug*  

We started to fight the skeletons, clobbering them with our mighty might!  Samantha did a good job for not being an adventurer.  And she didn't even know it was an adventure!  She thought it was just a harvest.  Yeah!  She wanted their fingers for a witch's brew!  I would have expected that sort of thing from Corathites, but why would those who call themselves the Protectors of the Law and the Common People go about stealing dead people's fingers just because they got up again?  I don't think they think these things through.  She said they were for healing potions, but I know a witch's brew when I smell it.  Why couldn't she make healing salves like normal people, with herbs and honey?  

But we fought on!  And she took all the fingers!  It would have been bloody, but they were just bones.  I had to threaten the use of my axe on a few of the attacking skeletons, but then they all stayed away, for I was surely a ferocious sight to behold, even to a dead man with no skin or muscles.  Or eyes.  How do they see what they're doing?  Evil tells them, right to their earless heads!  Don't look at me like that - that's how evil evil is!  So! Then we opened a door and saw ghouls!  Lots and lots!  I hit the first one right in its scrawny neck with an arrow and its head fell right off!  Thunk!  Samantha was swinging a big sword through them, and I was poking eyes with my arrows, and then there was just a mess of dead ghoul parts all over.  We were a minimum-sized army of ghoul-bashing dangerousness!

Beyond the pile, we saw a skeleton with some fashion sense and a spider that almost certainly had some giant in her family somewhere, and maybe some orc, clearly not caring at all what Aeridin thinks.  Samantha looked scared and made some sort of prayer for good soap and clean laundry, and it just made the skeleton and spider mad.  They charged at us, and I fired an arrow that put a very unhidable hole in the skeleton's robe.  Then there was magic everywhere!  Samantha had praying for something different, and the skeleton and spider died.  Pow!  Take that, bug!  The spider had a lantern, and it still had oil in it, so I struck some flint and lit the wick.  I think the spider needed a reading light; it was too dark in the crypt otherwise.  

We went back outside.  Samantha gave me a little pile of treasure from our adventure.  Adventure and treasure!  Yay!  Then she gave me some healing potions she said she'd made with the finger bones.  I told her I wasn't going to drink them.  No one tricks me into drinking witch's brew.  You should remember that lesson yourself!
 
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Gulnyr

Re: Iri Ambercress's Exciting Tales of Adventure
« Reply #1 on: July 16, 2011, 01:49:44 pm »
Once when I was in Center, I met a halfling named Tugs.  He said people considered him some sort of superior scallywag, but I think that was just a regional word for adventurer.  He had been blessed by Deliar with the luck of adventure, since it found him instead of him having to look for it.  And there I was with adventure!

I had been told there was a terrifying terror under the town, something truly monstrous.  It was called the Chitinous Ultrabeast!  It had been left for me to kill, so famous was my fierceness.  I couldn't not share the adventure, especially when Tugs had been found!  Who doesn't share adventure?  Maybe elves!  But not me!  

We went to a cellar hatch and climbed down a rope.  I think they used a rope because the Chitinous Ultrabeast knew how to use ladders, and they couldn't have it coming up asking to borrow sugar all the time or whatever Chitinous Ultrabeasts do to bother people.  Eating them, maybe.  But we went down!  There were rats down there - beaver rats! - but hardly worth mentioning, such powerful adventurers were we.  But there were also the ferocious offspring of the Chitinous Ultrabeast!  Scuttling about everywhere!  Only the size of my foot, but ravenous flesh eaters!  It was a hard fight through the thousands of beetley backed monsters, but we made it to a passage leading down into a caverny natural cellar.  

Then there were a lot less rats and a lot more scuttly bugs!  And living puddles!  Puddles of doom!  We fought hard, hard, hard through the danger, axes and swords and bows making a big mess.  Then we found a mysterious tunnel!  When we went through, we saw some stonework and had to kill some ghouls.  Eww!  But we weren't looking for ghouls, we were looking for the Chitinous Ultrabeast!  So we went back through the tunnel... and found another, even more mysterious tunnel!  This one was much better!  It had webs!

We cleared some webs - because who likes web in the face? - and quietly moved through.  There were lots more of the tiny, vicious broodlings, all organized and murderous.  They were chittering and clicking at each other, probably complaining about the lack of people to eat or a downturn in beaver-rat milk production, and how they needed to learn to climb ropes!  We charged in!  No rope climbing in this town, no ma'am!  Tugs and I were like living giants' shoes, squashing all the bugs we could find to stop their nefarious, buggy plans!  But they clicked out a signal, and the Chitinous Ultrabeast rounded a corner and attacked!  

It was enormous!  Like a wagon with legs instead of wheels, all crammed into the dwarf-sized tunnel!  We fought it toe-to-claw and arrow-to-face-or-bulbous-backside-bits!  It hissed and clicked, and we roared and called it names!  Finally, with a nasty pop, the bulbous backside burst open and made a green mess on the wall.  Gross!  The Chitinous Ultrabeast still twitched, so I jumped on top to give it a good stomp!  A loose piece of its carapace broke off, so I took it to show the townsfolk!  It may have made a good shield, but a lady kept it.  Maybe she made a serving dish!
 

Gulnyr

Re: Iri Ambercress's Exciting Tales of Adventure
« Reply #2 on: July 18, 2011, 12:19:17 pm »
Once, a tall elf healer needed some lichen.  I didn't understand why she couldn't go pick some off a tree, so I did.  Then she told me that wasn't the right kind.  She needed a kind that would require adventure, and I was an adventurer, so she got really lucky!

Nearby, I met Andrew, a human musician who played the cow.  You'd think he'd make a drum first, maybe, but there's no explaining the tallness of the tall.  He also said he was an elephant lover and owned a belt buckle.  He gave me a shyzrywcyzihm and talked about being as brave as a musician could get, but still not very brave, so he hadn't been on an adventure and needed my help!  I told him about the lichen and he knew where it was, so we made a partnership!  He didn't have armor but he sang a lot, so maybe he scared a lot of monsters!  I thought he might play the cow on the way, but he left her behind.

He led us to a cave by the ocean, where he said we'd get a little wet.  I don't know who taught him common, but it was First Ausir's Tide and the water came up to my neck!  That is at least seven times a little wet!  We saw lots of rabid crabs, and then some lizardfish people!  They looked sort of like lizardmen I had seen near Lorax, but had fishy bits!  They may have been Voraxian, because they charged right at us like it was time for a ritual battle!  We were a terrifying, floating power, though, and we fought our way through with a combination of halfling might and human ululation!  And scissor kicks!

The cave was long, so long we met a brownie!  Then we had an army!  Freida was fierce!  But we didn't have lichen, only greenstone and crab meat and salty clothes.  We came to a place where the cave spiraled down, underwater!  We had to swim down, but the water tunnel bent back up some and we found a dry place.  And more lizardfish!  It was hard to adventure with all the lizardfish in the way!  We traveled for a long time, in and out of the ocean water, long long long until we felt some cool wind coming from somewhere.  And there were smelly lizardmen there, probably cousins of the lizardfish and made to live in a different part of the cave!  Then after we climbed up a narrow tunnel, there was lichen!  I'm sure there must have been some closer to the healer, but Andrew was good at picking adventure - for a cow player.  We followed the wind and found ourselves in the foothills near Fort Wayfare.

We traveled back to give the healer the lichen.  Then she asked for some sort of purple mushroom!  I told Andrew... and he gave me one, right from his pocket!  Sad!  It turned out he wasn't always so good at adventure!  He just got lucky the first time!
 

Gulnyr

Re: Iri Ambercress's Exciting Tales of Adventure
« Reply #3 on: July 26, 2011, 03:23:09 pm »
One day, when I was armor shopping for better adventuring, I met some lightning shaped like a halfling who ate soup with an axe.  His name was Emwonk.  He liked adventure so much, he would run off to have some instead of staying in one place very long.  I bet he'd like the road!

He joined me for an adventure!  The adventure took us to some hills near Port Hempstead, and Andrew came with us.  I had heard from Captain Trent that some vicious, man-eating kobolds had been terrorizing the farmlands east of the city, and that the city guards were just too scared to make them go away.  So he asked me to find the leader's stick!  Without the stick, they'd be stickless!  I don't know how that could help!  That's why we went to the hills!  

We sang songs on the way, then got fierce when we found their camps.  The sentries were jabby and pokey and slingy!  Very dangerous!  One of them had an eyepatch!  He probably jabbed his eye out with his jabber, because he wanted to fight and had no guards to face!  I told you they were vicious!  But now they had us to fight, and we fought them right back, with fft! and zap! and... lullabies, I think.  Or drinking songs.  Something clearly intended to confuse them, maybe!

Then we sneaked into the main camp, and saw a thousand bloodthirsty kobolds!  But no sticks!  Only twigs!  And jabbers and pokers!  And slings!  There were so many, we tried to sneak past a lot of them.  Even though we were very fierce, there were enough kobolds to equal our ferocity.  And they were man-eaters!  And I don't know if the others had extra pants.  So we only fought some, but it was still hundreds!  They pack in tight when they camp!  It's true!  And there was lots of zapping!  Bzzt!  Pow!  And arrows!  Ffft!  And some chopping!  Hhkt!  And songs about whatever!  And finally, we found a stick!  It was held by a flying kobold who breathed fire and had foot-long claws!  And he was surrounded by fanatic kobold guards with their kobold hounds and kobold pokers and jabbers!  They wanted to fight and we wanted the stick, so we traded!  And then we won the fight, too!  Emwonk was amazing!  Brrzt!  Fft!  Zzap!  La la laaa!  Stick!

So I held up the stick and we walked out of the camp.  Just like that!  The kobolds were terrified of our mighty might and cowered in their lizardy hideyholes!  We gave the stick to Trent, who was glad he didn't have to go get it!  Yay!  It just looked like a stick, though.  The kobolds probably got another one and pretended it was the old one!
 

 

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