Ishara Fa'atiaes

It would seem that over the passing of several days since coming to Hlint, Ishara is becoming quite uncomfortable with the recent state of things. At first she was a new and very far from home. Her being uncomfortable is either because of her perception of things that are going on around her, the fact there are others that seem to me concern about raping the land, or killing the living creatures that inahabit it.
It must be the druid in her that makes her feel so uncomfortable.
Then there is the whole, shifter trait in her blood and the calling of Xeen to her.
She loves nature, wants to follow in her mother's path, but still, her path also includes Xeen.
Coming to Hlint is changing her perspective even more, and she has suffered greatly, each time she has died and visited the void. Her sanity seems to be waning. Though this may be the influence of her fathers teachings as well. Each visit to the void has the Abyss pulling at her, only nature it seems pulls her back, and the love she has for all of natures creatures.
In which direction does she go, shifter or full blown priestess of Xeen?

With the vision shared, and with Shadison attempting to pervert Lucinda's weave. That perversion may also prevent her from becoming the shifter, like her mother was. The chaos of her father is pulling her deeper into insanity, but with each pull, there is the insanity of Xeen also.
What shall she do?
Her chosen path it seems, is not up to her any more.
She needs to find a temple or a place of worship of other Xeenites.

It one thing to be a sister of Xeen, its another to be both sister and druid.
What ever shall she do?

So I died again, and once again I felt the pull of the Abyss at my soul calling me back to it. It seems that nature is what keeps pulling me back from the void.
Strangely though, this time there was no void, but a woman with wings. She was laughing at me. Why would she be laughing at me. Is my present circumstance that brought to Hlint, a humor to her.
Died once more, after wards at the hand of a lizardman in the company of jessica, though thwarted in its attempts to kill us both, it slay me. The void was entered once more, but the woman with the wings was not there.
Strange is this world I find myself in.
Half the time I feel cursed that I am here, so much death, so much destruction. Who is really evil, anything different than yourself is evil. I do not agree, things do as they must, as that is the will of nature. Survival and continuance of life, that is what is important. Not the weapons you make to shed blood on the land. Not the magic of the weave in which only makes it possible for others to kill even more with a wave of the hand.
Any and all life I feel remorse for their passing, by anothers hand. I feel I must pray for yself when each time I am witness to another creature being slain, or a defenseless tree being trimmed of all its branches.
If only the others I know, knew my thoghts. then they would know, that the evil  I have seen, is them. the others I see as a plague, stripping the land and making war on other creatures.
Each time I die, I reflect, and perhaps the insanity that I feel growing inside of me, is not insanity but an awakening. To be insane is to see the truth, from all perspectives. To see things, not only from within, but from without.
Mother was a shifter and a true lycanthrop, it is perhaps the pain of seeing what I have seen since coming here, is what made her want to leave. Perhaps it is laso the pain of others that she sought only to provide pleasure for all natures creatures. Others may see me as a perversion of nature, but I believe that Xeen knows that what I do is the purist form of pleasure given.
I grew up knowing only war, it is why I chose my mothers path, and the time of choice draws near. I knew this would come soon.
Others persue Blood and now Shadison. Another war. Why must there be so much strife and destruction. Can they not see that through their actions they only contribute to their own destruction.
Slay the undead and undying, let them find their rest. By killing of those weaker than themselves, they only allow for the creation of even more undead and dying.
As a druid, I must preserve nature.
As a follower of Xeen, provide pleasure from the strife and labors of natures existence.
As a planetouched, I have responsibility to the balance of the forces that make all realms possible.
Why do things have to be so complicated?

I do not want to slay Blood or Shadison, just want to keep the balance.
The balamce of forces is all that matters.
Yes. Natures balance must be maintained.

I can do this, the same way my mother did, become what others fear. Reassure them, that appearances are deceiving. That all creatures of nature are not to be feared, but allowed to live just as they do. That evil is in the heart, and goodness can be found in the experience of pleasure. The will of an individual is what makes their actions appear good or evil.
The others make that distinction, I do not. I will never make that distinction. I am a creature of nature, and of nature forever I will be.

I suppose from a neutral stand point I can perceive beyond the distinctions that others perceive. Good, evil, justice and entropy, they are all but one face each of nature.
Though I stay mostly at the center of what is going on around me, its only the return to the void each time I die, that gets to me think. Not so much as to reflect on what I did that caused me to die, but on the forces governing the void itself.
Each time we die and we come back, perhaps it the same for all the creatures in this realm. How long can my soul be strong enough, to have me return each. How strong are the other creatures souls that keep coming back each time another slays them. The soul can not exist forever, eventually the void will weaken my soul and other creatures souls until even their soul's essence will no longer exist.
It must be, that the presence of Blood has caused this to happen. It has upset nature's delicate balance. Let the others continue their paths they seek within the confines of their own distinctions or those of the distinctions set by others.
In this realm, it seems, that one does not stay dead for long. Nothing once it dies is laid to rest.
There is a sorrow in this realm, a pain, am I the only one that perceives it?
It would seem, that in quiet thought, just laying upon the ground and looking to the heavens above, that the only wisdom to be aquired is only to become apparent after each time I die.
I would not think this normally, but the image of that woman with the wings that i saw in the void, laughing at me. It is her image that haunts me. Who was she? Why was she laughing at me? Something else was there, though I do not remember. I have died since seeing her, but she was not there, only darkness once more.
Have others seen her? I have asked but no one has answered. Do they remember her, or do they deny to themselves that they may have seen her.
Poor Adlin. In pains me to have heard, that as a ranger, having died so many times and has seen so much death, that he has become insensed of the pain that others have endured. I fear that he has become lost to nature, the very thing that he wants to protect. I shall carry his pain, and the pain of others that have become lost. I believe that their very souls have become numb since coming to this realm.
I will not become a shell.
I will learn the wisdom hidden within the void.
I will not allow myself to succumb to the distinctions as set by others, so as not to become blind to future possibilities.

Blood is death, but is he? With the realm stuck in a continual loop, is death an end?

Shadison wants to pervert the Weave, but is he? Llu called it wild, but maybe, its what the wizards fear the most, to have their magicks become what it was in the beginning, primordial and without structure.

All things are of nature. Distinctions are of humans, and others that agree with them.

I have attained a moment of decision, a choice as to where I belong and to what I belong. With my last trip to the void, I did find myself standing outside the inn with others. Though they were sharing their words and i was sorting out my thoughts as to what affects the void has had on me this time. I was witness to something strange, though no one else was witness, I know what I saw or did not see.
Moving from west to east, and between us, something, I know not what, for all I did see was the shadow and the blur moving very quickly down the path. Like magic, sparkles, though brief, sprinkled down upon the ground in whatever this, I had glimpsed for only a moment passed before me.
No one else did see it, or it was moving that quickly or they that were speaking were so self-involved not to have seen it.

Once before i did enter the void, and woman with wings, was laughing at me.
The instant that I did pass into the void, where once I was in the moors. Did have the moment of sharing the experience with another fallen of the party in the moors. I did share a greeting with him in that instant and then we were back in hlint.

Is reflection the act of the subconcious adjusting itself to the experience of the void. Or, is the void another realm, and in its darkness are there things other than of who has fallen battle exist there as well.

Each time I enter the void, it touches my soul. More than the last time, and I feel it is changing my perspective of everything around me once I become whole again.

I go and aid someone to alter their appearance to be more comfortable and be more feminine. Damn if men keep making us armor and think that we are boards. We just do not have the same comfort zones as them, sure they have their coif, and its comfortable to them, but the ramor they give us sometimes squeezes us in all the wrong places. Armor and the female body just does not work. Should speak to Vivian and have her design armor for us girls.

After finishing, decided to go back to the main meeting place only discover that the main area has the others running from the darkness. Strange as it was, after leaving it, it seemed to lessen and pulse.  Then after entering it, it would grow until all of hint was dark.
Having been to the void more than a few times, and i am sure as most do, they just sit and wait until they are at the bindstone once more. I have given to explore the darkness of the void and finding those that have fallen alongside me, company until they appear at the bindstone. I believe this did aid me when I encountered the darkness in hlint. It was strange that I could navigate my way around without bumping into things. It did not bother me as it did others, and I just do not understand what is happening to me.
I do see things differently, and the realm is changing or just my perception is changing. Finding that some of things that others find discomfort in, I actually enjoy. If it were not for the fact that something is trying to make me into a pin-cushion by emptying a quiver of arrows in me. It would be just fine.
Oh how the others fear what they can not see. I have come to accept that what they fear is what they do not understand, and what they destroy is what they can not control. How easy it is for the wizard to speak of the weave, after they have learned to control it, but something comes in to take that control away from them and they get totally bent out of shape and call it evil and swear to destroy. It is only through the weave that a wizard can hope to control nature, like the darkness of Hlint. Twixel wished to use the weave to cancel it, and yet if one thinks about it for a moment, one closes their eyes and enters the darkness when they sleep, what is there to fear.
I am beginning to understand, that most do not fear the darkness itself, but the mirror of the darkness that exists within their own soul. The darkness of ignorance and distinctions. Even the stories that the bards sing about, tell of only darkness, sorrow and sufferings. There is no pleasure in their songs only pain.
Blood has returned for vengeance and in my mind it is derved upon those that did banish him the first place. If not them, their descendants. If I am to fight Blood it will be in defense of the pack I am with, nothing less than I am able and nothing more than what is needed. If not of a pack, then to each their own. I have nature and with serinos aid, has taught me instinct is the way to go, and if it is to be natures will that I do aid her, then so be it.
Let the humans have their war, I am here for nature's creatures. Though I wish I could strengthen nature so that in the humans attempt to make weapons of war, nature does not suffer. One way or the other, it will either be Blood killing off the humans and their allies or the humans and their allies destroying nature to make the weapons needed to destroy Blood. No matter who, I can see this realm becoming a desert of dust. At which point all life, of any distinction will suffer.

What in Xeens name was I thinking. Going into a vipers nest and the inner sanctum of a god. By Xeen I think I must be going insane to think I would have survived the ordeal. Thinking about it though, it might have been nice to romance a god, who knows I might of made impression and come out with interesting ideas for pleasure. Then again he is a snake god, but still, its worth the thought.
Perhaps it might be best to keep these thoughts to myself. I think I am already being scrutinized by others that I have met and shared words. If anything it just might be my peculiar appetite and perhaps even a lack inhibition when it comes to pleasure.
So I died, yet again, and into the void, entered once more.
Others run around fearing the void and the Soul Mother. I think I have already met her once, but would like to meet her again.
Upon sharing words with others about the Soul Mother, wonder if its possible to convince her to help us seal the blood pools that are the source of bloodstones power. Supposedly they are conduit into her realm. Wonder if she knows, she probably does, and probably has the wisdom needed to seal the pools from their source, rather seal them physically within the realm of Layonara.
Would be good to get closer to her just to learn her wisdom.

There has to be some release for me.
Carrying the guilt within me, is beginning to get to me.
It may be good for others to go out and kill things, but each creature deserves its life. Juran is just getting rich, having others do his hunting for him. Until I see his ailing wife, he can hunt for his own skins. I can not carry the guilt of killing another living thing unless it is defense of my pack.
The dragon that heard my prayer and brought me to this place, should have thought better to bring a druid here. Other druids seem to have it easy, in that they have already drawn their own distinctions. They have stepped away from nature, and have become good to those of humans and their allies.
It would seem that nature's worth is only in her might that is focused through their souls.
Nature is not about might, its not about killing beasts. All beasts are her children.
Good and evil are human distinctions, just as law and chaos.
Let them have their distinctions, its all nature and my pack (albeit temporary and everchanging).

I can not be burdened with this pain anymore. Watching creatures of nature being slain, and being powerless to prevent it. I feel so much guilt for being a druid and having to be silent witness.
When I did go to Karthy, to visit the temple of Xeen, was to my frutration, only to see a healer and a temple merchant. No one to ask for guidance in further endeavors.
When in the abysss, to follow carnal desires, and listen to your instincts, is one thing. To be in this realm, I am finding it difficult to stay the path, when there are others of similar vocation, that follow the gods popular.
Some things were simpler when I was home. Now that I am here, I am beginning to question my chosen path.
I still love all of natures creatures, just can not be brudened with the pain any longer nad still keep my sanity.
What ever shall I do? Who shall I seek for guidance and wisdom, when even in Karthy there was no one there for me to consult.
I think I have come to the crossroad amd I may need to make some hard decisions.
I think I may need some help.