Journal of Valmara Dormin

[Frances]

Someone once told me a journal was a good way to help organize your thoughts.  I don't know if that's possible with me, but I'm willing to give it a shot.

I guess I should start with what I want to do with my life.  I left Melnon with the idea that I'd find 'fame and fortune' out in the wide world.  Foolish me, fame and fortune seem to have eluded me.  But it leaves me wondering what I really want to do with my life.

I've tried my hand at several weapons in actual combat, and found I like the large blades the best, the greatsword and the bastard sword.  Must be something to do with having large hands.  I tried a rapier once, and thought I was going to break it every time I tried to hit something with it.

So, is my goal to be the greatest greatswordswoman out there?  Having written it, I know that the answer is no.  So what do I want?

Good question.  I was telling a friend, I think it was Balazar, about needing direction in my life.  I have a feeling he wants me to become a paladin like he is.  I don't know, I don't think I have the right skills or attitude.  I just know how to swing a sword.

Now the hard part... what to do about Shiff.
Shiff is probably the best thing about leaving Melnon.  When I met him, he was witty, friendly, good in a pinch, and someone I liked to have beside me in a fight.  Now, I've found that he's trustable, reliable, sweet, and I think he adores me completely.  I worry though... he worries about me so much I think he ignores his own safety.  The wit that first attracted me to him seems to have faded away, and I'm afraid it's because he doesn't want to offend me.  He was such a roguish character when I met him, and now he seems tamed... I think he's become much more respectable because of me, but he's lost some of his devilish charm.  I kind of miss it.

The other problem is... what to do about him in general.  He wants me, in a way that I swore I would never do again after Jackson left me in Melnon.  I've since decided I was wrong about that, but not entirely.  I'm going to wait to do that with my husband only.  I've told Shiff, but I don't think it's sunk in.  Poor boy, he's a man, and has a hard time thinking any other way, but I keep trying to tell him, and he keeps trying to get under my guard and strike home, so to speak.  I'm not going to be with any man but my husband, and I don't think I'm ready to have one of those yet.

Which brings me to my third problem with Shiff.  He adores me and always is ready to guard my back, but he often wants to be in front of me also.  I try to tell him that it's what I do, I swing a sword and sometimes get hurt doing it, but he wants to keep me from that.  Which is why I think I have a hard time thinking about being tied down.  Shiff is the best thing that's ever happened to me, and now that I've found him, I'm not ready for him.  I don't know that I ever will be.

I see I'm back to my original thought - what do I do with my life?  I don't think I'm any closer to a plan, but I think I'll just focus on becoming a great swordswoman.  Not just focusing on the greatsword (even though it does feel good to be able to hack a foe in two with it), but I should work on my skills with a bastard sword.  I can use it with a shield, and that will allow me to guard against more attacks.  Combat is best with a good team, and I need to be the front line against attacks, guarding those behind me, and allowing them to do what they're best at also.  I think that'd be a nice way to be remembered - the warrior at the front, who can be relied on to keep you alive.  'If Val's with us, we'll be safe.'  Something like that.

[Frances]

Well, really just two people to write about.  But there are many people connected to them.  And many problems... Although I guess it boils down to really just a couple of problems, but really big ones.

I'll start with the easy problems.  

Talia.  Talia and Aeryn, more specifically.  I don't really know Aeryn, though I've met him several times.  Talia, on the other hand, I know well.  She's like the sister I never had.  It is so wonderful to have a friend like her, who I can rely on to accept my heartaches as her own and help me solve them, and who trusts me enough to do the same.  

The problem is Aeryn, and he's also the solution.  They are a couple, and I know Talia's in love with him, but Talia's also worried that Aeryn isn't in love with her... like they're drifting apart.  She says she let things go too far in their relationship, but I really blame Aeryn.  But... Talia would never forgive me if I did to him what should be done.  I hate to see Talia in pain, but I can't fix this for her, only help bear her heartaches.  I really hope things work out for them; it'd be nice to see a couple where things work.  Most of all, I want Talia to be happy.

Now the hard part - Shiff.  Shiff, the love of my life, who'd stand in the path of a charging gorgon to protect me.  I'd do the same for him, and he'd never forgive me if I did.  Well, he would, but he'd never forgive himself for letting me get hurt to protect him.  Which is, I think, the bigger problem.

The smaller problem is he just won't accept my answer.  He will not understand that I will not be with him in the way he wants me to.  He doesn't come right out and ask, but I'm sure it's foremost on his mind.  Like his room.  He calls it 'our' room, even though I told him I wasn't going to live with him.  And the way he says he needs me to sleep (which is related to the bigger problem).  I love him, and I find him attractive... and his touch does make my knees melt.  But I remember Jackson Corson, and I swore to myself that I would wait until I was completely married this time.  I just wish he would understand that, and quit trying to find grey areas to play around in!

Now the bigger problem.  Shiff and the 'blood'.  

Shiff organized a rather successful trip into the mines in Haven a while back.  Unfortunately, a few gnolls followed us up to the surface, and killed a little girl near the entrance to the cave.  Shiff followed the gnolls back in, and proceeded to slaughter every gnoll that tried to stand against us.  Shiff led the rampage, with several of us assisting him (really keeping him from getting killed) and healing the wounded.  He was ready to assault the entire clan of gnolls to avenge the girl's death.  We managed to get him to listen to reason finally, and we returned to the surface.  A cleric of our group was able to raise the little girl, but Shiff was not satisfied.  

Shiff soon began to see blood, as he said, from time to time.  When he closed his eyes to sleep, he said he saw blood, so he stopped sleeping.  He started drinking heavily, to forget or to numb himself, I don't know.  He told me the only way he could get to sleep is if I was there.  Hence my earlier problem... And he's getting worse.

He said he woke in Haven, ready for battle, but doesn't remember how he got there.  Another time, he and I and several other people were gathered in the central square in Hempstead, and he said there was blood and gnolls everywhere.  And recently, we were in Brenuth, and he was looking at a statue there, and saw blood on the statue.  I couldn't get him to listen to me, he just kept muttering about the blood.  The elf with us wondered if he was going insane, and I told her no, but I'm not so sure now...

What do I do about him?  I love him and want to help him, but he says the only way to help him is to do what I swore I wouldn't.  I think that maybe he needs to retire from our dangerous lifestyle.  I can't imagine what would happen to him if he was there when say Ariel, or Talia, or worse, I fell in battle.  He'd completely lose control of himself and go charging into certain death.  Our blood would drive him mad.  It can't be good for him to keep seeing us injured, as all of us are from time to time.  And of course, as a sword swinger I'm even more prone to injury.  I don't think it's good for him to keep seeing our blood spilled.  As much as I hate the idea, I think he'd be better off staying in town and becoming a craftsman or something.  Maybe I could send him to my family and he could learn smithing.  Probably a waste of talented hands, though....

If he does settle in a town, what do I do?  I don't want to be separated from him, but I don't want to be tied down in a town either.  I want to help him, but I need to be myself also.  It's all so confusing... is it more right to be true to myself, or to help him?  I think that my choices would have to be either settle down with him in a town and hang up my sword, or separate completely from him.  Continuing to go out would only drive him crazy that he wasn't protecting me when I was gone, and seeing my blood spilled in his mind and going crazy from that.  I don't want to hurt him, and I don't want to lose him, but I'm not ready to settle down.

I've talked with Talia about him, and she's going to try to find a Berylite clergyman to talk with Shiff.  I hope that helps.  She's also going to talk with Shiff about me, since Shiff can't seem to hear what I'm trying to tell him.  I hope he understands me a little better after she's done.


Since I'm on the subject of people, a few other people I'd like to remember, for good or ill.

Tadhg.  I still remember the insult he gave me soon after we met.  He recently tried to drive a wedge between me and Shiff with insinuations about Shiff's infidelity.  Now, I know Shiff notices pretty women (still haven't figured out why he noticed me), and is friendly to them.  If Shiff wants more, fine.  I haven't got a chain on him.  I just want to know first that he needs more than I'm willing to give him, and not find out about it from someone else.  But Tadhg is not a nice person from what I've seen, and I am liking him less and less.

Ariel.  Halfling wizard of some sort.  She is so sweet.  She stopped me from biting Shiff's head off one day (although he really deserved it), and I know she only did it from the goodness of her heart, which is apparently limitless.  She has a protector, another halfling named Ced.  I haven't asked about their relationship, but they seem close.  I really enjoy them both.

Kinai.  What to say about her.  Uses men the way like a farmer uses cows, milks them for all they're worth.  Likes to try to wrap men around her finger.  She seems to attract the strangest of men.  She's going to get herself really hurt one day, and I'd like to see it so I can laugh.  Just need to keep her alive until then.

Galen.  Toranite paladin, which upsets Shiff right off the start.  Attractive, friendly, and quite trustworthy (go figure).  He was on the Haven trip, and although Shiff invited him, I think Shiff wished he hadn't.  Shiff's convinced that Galen's after me.  I think Shiff's being way too jealous, and not thinking anyway, since why would Galen be attracted in any way to me?  Still, I like him a lot, and would love to travel with him, except that Shiff would get upset.

Zergon.  Elven wizard.  DARK elven wizard, and I trust him.   That's weird to think, much less commit to paper.  But I traveled with him many times, and had seen what sort of person he was before I found that he was a drow.  I haven't seen him recently, but I'm sure that he's trying to do good works.

Absinthe.  Elven cleric of some god, I didn't ask.  We had a good trip into the Brech mountains, she I and Shiff, until I mentioned that Shiff had been a pirate.  She had had a bad history with pirates, and was not interested in Shiff's reform.  We returned safely from the mountains as a team, but she wanted nothing to do with Shiff, and Shiff consequently wanted nothing to do with her.  I like her and hope to see her again.  Maybe if Shiff gets better, I can convince her that he's acceptable and we can travel together again.

[Frances]

*Val sits in a borrowed room in an underground city.  Her daughter Tyra is napping in a corner, and her father and brother are sitting quietly in another corner, playing some sort of game that involves a set of cards.  Bored, Val begins to clean out her pack, and at the bottom she finds a small, only slightly used book.  Chuckling softly to herself, she opens it and reads a couple entries, which turn out to be the only entries.  Shrugging, she pulls out a quill and a bottle of ink. "Might as well, it seems there's nothing else to do while I'm waiting..."*

[indent]Been a while since I wrote in this.  Shiff keeps his up regularly, and he seems to enjoy it.  Maybe I can get something from doing the same...

I think I better do some catching up.  Shiff... well, Shiff is a wonderful man.  Loving, trustworthy, maybe a little overprotective of me, and in general a joy to be with.  I'm so glad I married him.  My last entry was full of my worries about 'blood', and his nightmares.  They are... gone.  Maybe it was our getting married and my calming influence on him in the night hours (of course, he did wake screaming a few times, but not in a long while).  Maybe it was just him getting over the horror that had affected him.  Maybe it was the added responsibility of a family.  Whatever the cause, he has been freed from the horror that had been plaguing him.

He has been a wonderful husband, and a wonderful father.  We have a beautiful little girl, Tyra.  Her hair is blonde, like mine was when I was little (so my Dad says), and her eyes are violet (and neither Shiff nor I can figure out where that comes from).  Dad says she has my mother's eyes, but of a different color.  Perhaps her violet eyes are from my mother's side?  I would have said no before now, but some recent events are making me think there's more to my mother than I knew about.  Dad is remaining mum on the subject.[/indent]
*Val puts the book down, goes to the door, and opens it, standing in the doorway.  The city seems confining to her, though the gnomes somehow keep it well ventilated.  Perhaps it is the tons of rock over her head.  She watches outside, as if waiting for someone, but no one comes.  She soon closes the door and heads back to her journal.*

[indent]And since I've brought up my Dad, I guess I should explain a bit about that.  Shiff and I were planning to go try to find my family for a while.  I had been to what was left of Melnon when it was cold, and the town had been abandoned.  The only thing I was able to find was a marker in the graveyard for 'Dormin'.  Well, to set of this trip, we were visited by the ghost of my mother.  She said that Dad and Sam needed help and there wasn't much time.  We set off immediately, leaving Tyra with Elohanna, and we took our dear friend Rose with us.  It was a long trip overland, and we finally found the remains of Melnon.  It looked like the town had been completely destroyed, by forces unknown.  I had missed it earlier with all the snow.  As we looked around the town, we chanced on the graveyard, and we eventually found my mother's grave.  Rose (with her expertise in things magical) told us that there had been a ward on the grave, and that it had been recently broken.  We continued poking around in the dark (night was falling as we reached the ruins of Melnon, but we were in a hurry, so we kept looking).  Shiff eventually found the entrance (by falling down it) to an underground complex of some sort.  

Underground, we explored the caves, occasionally encountering vampires of various sorts.  Rose kept telling us there was some sort of necromancy taking place down there, and we kept looking for the source of it.  I was worried that we should have been looking for Dad and Sam, but Rose and Shiff seemed to think getting to the bottom of whatever was behind the necromancy would solve the problem of Dad and Sam also.  

Eventually, we found our way to a chamber of horrors, where bodies were strung up, for some evil purpose.  As we looked among the bodies, we found two that were ... fresher.  As we looked closer, my heart almost stopped when I realized one of them was my Dad.  We cut him down, and the other (Sam) immediately, and Rose used her best magic to help them, but they were very weak.  We think they had been kept down there and ... bled for years.  Shiff and Rose were all set to charge after the evil behind this place, but I couldn't bear to leave Sam and Dad unprotected.  So they took off, while I watched over my family, my sense of dread growing constantly.  After a while, I felt that Shiff was in probably in trouble, but I didn't want to leave Dad and Sam.  Then, Mom appeared to me again.  She said she was proud of me, but that Shiff was in trouble (in not so many words, of course.  Why is it in all the stories that ghosts can't speak plainly?  Mom, much as I love her, certainly didn't).  I decided that I couldn't bear to part with Shiff, and I would have to risk that Dad and Sam would be all right if I left them.

I figured out where Rose and Shiff had gone, and soon reached Shiff.  I don't know exactly what he had done, but apparently he had disturbed some spirits.  I got him to listen, and to let the spirits rest.  Rose left a blessing on them, and we got Dad and Sam out of that horrible place.  We took them home with us, and started nursing them back to health.  It seems odd to see Dad so thin and weak.[/indent]
*Tyra stirs and walks over to her mother sleepily.  She climbs into Val's lap, not saying a word, just curling up in her mom's lap.  Val gives her a kiss, and reaches around her to continue writing.*

[indent]And now we wait here in a gnomish city for Shiff to clear up a hornet's nest of trouble he stirred up.  I love the man dearly, but sometimes he just seems to pick the craziest, most dangerous thing to do.  Evil forces are now after the whole family, and we're hiding here.  I'm worried sick for him, but I need to think about Tyra (and Dad and Sam, somewhat), and Shiff can take care of himself.  

I really am worried sick.  Or maybe it's the gnomish food.  Either way, I pray that Shiff is all right, and that we'll see him soon, and that we can go home.[/indent]
*Val closes the book, and holds her daughter gently.  She begins singing a lullaby to Tyra, one that she had forgotten until she heard her mother's ghost singing it, just like when she was little.*

[Frances]

*Val sits down, watching her daughter play in a corner of the room with a couple donated toys.  Her father and brother are out learning gnomish-style crafting.  They're both still too weak to swing a hammer, but can listen well.*

[indent]And still we wait.  It's been about six weeks since we came here, in response to some threat Shiff stirred up.  I think it's been six weeks.  It's hard to tell time in this place, with no sun.

It was very strange.  I took a quick trip to Katherian, hoping to find my brother Gord there.  I did find a Gord - a halfling baker, who was close to as round as I remember my brother being.  But as I started to make my way back home, this strange man stopped me.  He was dressed all in black, and hooded.  His voice was a hissing whisper.  He asked about Shiff, and about my daughter.  He also said the next time I saw Shiff, I should kiss him goodbye since I was never going to see him again.  Then he wandered off into the city, and disappeared.

I was ... shaken, to say the least.  I headed off for home immediately, ignoring all other plans.  On the trip home, Shiff found me, and we headed off for Stone, of all places.  I soon found out why; Beryl's temple is there, and he had already gotten Tyra and my family there.  He told me he had stirred up some trouble with a strange man, and now there were threats against me and the family, so he had us moved here, where we could be hidden and protected.  The temple we had been married in was now going to protect us further.

Now, Tyra, my Dad and brother, and I are hidden in a gnomish city deep in the mountains here.  It took us a long time to get here, and I doubt I could ever find my way out, much less find my way back.  Shiff is out there, fighting whatever trouble is after us.  I can only hope he's being careful.  Knowing him, he isn't, but a friend is watching his back without being asked.

It's hard, being here.  I want to be out there with Shiff, helping him and facing the dangers with him.  But Tyra needs me, and my family.  It's hard to protect them like this... I guess I'm helping Shiff, by keeping anyone from using us against him.  But it's hard, and so different than I've ever done.  Dangers are meant to be faced and fought with a sword.

I don't know how much longer I can stand to be down here.  I'm doing my best to be strong for Tyra, but I feel so drained down here.  The food smells ... well, wrong.  I'm sick with worry most of the time, so bad that some mornings, I just want to lay in bed.  Tyra won't let me, of course.  But at least I can get a nap in when she does.  I feel like the rock above is pressing down on me, squeezing me out and leaving me drained... Tyra is the only thing that keeps me going.  I think if I just got to see the sun, I could get recharged.

I miss Shiff, so badly it hurts.  I haven't heard any news except that he's still alive and working to solve the problem before him.  It can't be soon enough.  I appreciate everything the gnomes are doing for us, but this city is not where we belong.  Hurry, Shiff, do what you need to do to make us safe, and let's go home.  Hurry back, Shiff, please come back to me and Tyra safe.[/indent]
*Val closes the journal and sits for a few minutes, resting.  Tyra comes over and climbs into her lap. "I want Daddy", she says.  Val responds "Me too, sweetie."  Val sits for a while, her nose in Tyra's hair, taking in her scent. "Come on, honey, let's go take a nap."  Picking up Tyra, she carries her daughter to her bed, laying down close beside her.  She takes Tyra's cloak she got from her father and drapes it over both of them.  "Daddy can watch over us as we sleep."  Tyra nods very seriously, "He wuves us."  Val kisses her daughter, "Aye, that he does, dear, that he does...".*

[Frances]

*Val sits in a room playing with her daughter.  Tyra is kneeling in Val's lap, her hands playing with Val's face, moving her lips to make her smile or frown.  Val is trying to let her, but she keeps smiling at her daughter's antics, ruining the effect Tyra is trying for, making her complain.  As they play, there is a knock at the door.  Her father answers the door to admit a priestess of Beryl.  It is one of the few gnomes in the city who know who Val and family are, and she greets her.  "Mrs. Dragonheart, I have no news... all we know is that Shiff is still alive and free, and doing something."  She gets a mischievious twinkle in her eye, "But... I do have this for you."  She slips a scroll out of a hidden pocket and passes it to Val.*

*Val opens it, curious.  As soon as she sees the handwriting, she realizes who its from, and tears start rolling down her cheeks as she reads, smiling.  Tyra, still sitting in her lap, asks "What is it, Mommy?"  "It's a letter from Daddy.  He says he loves you sooooo much, and that he's watching you when you're under your cloak."  Tyra beams with joy, and begins bouncing around the room as only a three-year old can do.*

*The priestess excuses herself, saying she'll be nearby should Val wish to send a reply.  Val stands to go to the small desk in the room, but is overcome by dizziness as she stands.  Pausing a moment to steady herself, she feels a hand on her arm, helping her.  Her father helps her get to the desk, and stands, looking at her with some concern.  "Val, are you sure you're all right?"  She nods, but he continues, "I've been watching you.  Sam and I are getting stronger, but you seem to be... well, something.  You're tired all the time, and, well, you seem to be, er... ill, a lot."  She waves his concern off idly.  "I'm sure something about the gnomish food just doesn't sit well with my stomach."  Voran seems unconvinced.  "Valmara, you have a hard time keeping down the supplies the gnomes brought down just for us.  I think..."  He pauses at the look she gives him.  "Well, perhaps you know best," he says, obviously thinking otherwise.*

*Val takes out a sheet of parchment and a quill and begins to write.  "Whatcha doin' Mommy?" "I'm writing a letter to Daddy." "Can I write too?" Val smiles, and gets another sheet of parchment and a vial of colored ink one of the priests of Beryl had donated.*

4 Janra 1422

My Dearest Shiff,

It is so wonderful, to hear from you and know you are all right.  We all miss you terribly, and cannot wait to see you again.  I hope this letter finds you well, and soon, but judging by how long it took yours to reach me, I am guessing it may be a while.

We are all well.  Tyra seems happy enough, except for the fact you're not here.  She only asks about you about three or four times a day now, unlike the every five minutes she did when you first left.  Dad and Sam grow stronger everyday, and Sam's started learning some crafting skills from the gnomes.  I doubt they're sharing any secrets of the trade with him, just little stuff, but one of the priests of Beryl confided that Sam seems to show a real talent for gem and jewelry smithing.

Tyra is getting bigger all the time.  She has figured out how to wrap Dad around her little finger.  The gnomes brought us a basket of raspberries the other day as a treat, and I think Tyra convinced all of us to give almost all of them to her.  She sure loved them, but made quite a mess with them.  It's nice to have food from the surface; the gnomes aren't the best of cooks.  I would love a slice of pie... apple, blackberry... blueberry sounds really good right now.  Blueberry pie with sour cream.  And a glass of milk to wash it down.  I better stop before I drool all over this letter.

Please tell me what's going on.  We're down here because I trust you, and because of the strange man I met in Katherian.  How he knew how to find me, I don't know, but clearly they have a long reach.  Shiff, you must be careful.  Keeping us safe doesn't do you any good if you don't come home to us.  I know you want to solve everything with your sword, but use your head and your heart too.  There are many wise people who are your friends.  Listen to them.  Please, don't do anything foolish, like trying to solve this by yourself.

I know you're safe, and we are too.  Hurry and do what you need to do, and come get us soon.  Tyra sends you a big hug and a kiss, and I'm sending you a special kiss from me.  We all love you very, very much.

With all the love in my heart,
Valmara Dragonheart

*Tyra comes over to Val. "All done!" she says, handing Val a parchment with a picture on it.  Val holds it carefully, letting it dry while she looks at it.  "It's us!  That's me, and that's Daddy, and that's you!" Tyra explains.  "And that's the sun!"*

*Val finishing drying both her letter and Tyra's picture, then rolls them up, sealing them with candle wax and using the ring Shiff made.  She peeks her head out the door, and hands the letter to the priestess who is waiting outside.*

-------------

*That evening, after Tyra is asleep, Val cries quietly into her pillow, eventually falling asleep herself.*

[Frances]

*Val is standing in her room in the gnomish city.  The Berylites have kindly arranged for a pair of adjoining rooms, one for her and Tyra to share, and one for her father and brother.  She is alone in her room, since her father has taken Tyra for a walk.  On the bed next to her is her armor, apparently having been thrown there rather haphazardly after being removed.  Val adjusts her clothing.*

*She talks quietly to herself.  "Well, I suppose I might as well face the truth.  I wanted this... but I wanted Shiff to share in it also."  She pauses for bit, looking down at herself as she continues to adjust her outfit.  "This is such a bad time for this..." She snorts slightly, "As if I could do anything about it.  Shiff should be first to know... I hope I can wait to tell him before anyone else."  She finishes adjusting her outfit, her hand lingering on her belly.  "I wonder if I could ask the gnomes to bring me some blueberries..."  She picks up her armor, and begins repacking it neatly.  "Shiff, please hurry... Beryl, if you're listening, take care of him, and bring him to me soon."*

[Frances]

Once again, it's been a while since I've written in this.  Changes, changes...

Let's see... Tyra's six now, finding all kinds of trouble to get into.  Drakie's two, and trouble Tyra doesn't get in, he does.  Or vice versa...

I started teaching Tyra the sword... she doesn't seem too interested, though she has some talent with it.  I guess that figures, with who her mother and father are.  What does surprise me is the weapon she does show interest (and skill in) - the bow.

Trouble came over for a play date a few weeks ago.

  She chuckles.

Trouble... Tegan once told me his name in Elven, but I can't remember it... I should have learned Elven.  Anyway, he lives up to his name, and he certainly inspires Tyra to find trouble also.

Back to the issue... Tegan brought Trouble over so he and Tyra could play together.  He brought along his bow that his father made him, and he showed Tyra how to use it.  I was amazed at how well Tyra took to it.  It's hard to say at the end which was better using it.  They both have a lot of talent.  Now Tyra's pestering me to get her her own bow.

I'm learning something new, too.  Starr's been tutoring me in the gnomish language.  I figured after listening to it for months in the gnomish city, I should put that experience to good use.  

 She chuckles again.

I've been hailed as an honorary gnome before... hopefully I'll eventually be able to sound like one too... or at least understand and speak the words.  Starr says I have an accent like a human... I wonder why.

I told Shiff I've been teaching Tyra to use a sword.  He didn't seem happy about it.  Seemed to think it was all up to him what she got taught.  I wonder what he'd think about her wanting a bow.

We've decided to ask Rose to tutor Tyra...

Rose... Shiff...

 She sighs, closing the journal for several minutes.  After a while, she opens the journal again and begins to write again.

I trust Shiff.

I trust Shiff.

Shiff says he's thinking of leaving Beryl to make Rose happy.  I... don't know what I think about that.  

I trust Shiff.

After several minutes, Val closes her journal and puts it away.

[Frances]

It's late at night when Val walks in.  Everyone's asleep.  Val looks in on her children, then moves to the other room and sits down.  After a minute, she gets out her journal and starts writing.

It's good to be home.  What I thought was going to be a simple hunting trip turned out to be nothing of the sort.  Johan, the fur trader, had returned to Hlint, and was looking for assistance with one last task.

He had assembled a rather motley group.  I'll say there were two, maybe three people out of about... ten that I would work with again.  I have never seen a group so divided about what they were going to do, or so close to coming to blows.  And then, when we reached our goal, half of them changed their mind and refused to do the task we had set out to do!

Lots of deaths that day.  I regretted one early on, though one of us had the magic to return her to life... A couple deaths later... I'm almost ashamed to say they were fools who almost deserved what they got.  And one final death, that I should have prevented.  He may have been a fool also, but his heart's in the right place... but I couldn't seem to get my sword up in time to stop his death.  I could have... I should have... but I didn't.  What good am I, if I can't stop my companions from dying, or at least give my life trying?  I'm supposed to be the one who protects the others in the group!

Shiff's still not home.  I had hoped this would be a fast trip, and Shiff would be back when I got home.  Looks like nothing I hoped for is going to come true.  Dad, and Jana during the day, watched the kids while I was gone... I think she's only over during the day.  She chuckles quietly.  I've decided I'm happy Dad has love in his life (besides me.  I don't count in that way).  She's a sweet lady, widowed several years now, and she seems to love the children like they were her own grandchildren.

I wish Shiff were home more often... maybe then I wouldn't feel as guilty when I go off on some adventure.  But... he does provide for us well... and I know he loves me... I trust Shiff...

Johan is dead now... no more cloaks or other fine furs from him.  Maybe I could have saved him, too, if I hadn't left.  But the arguing, and the back-biting, and that thrice-cursed elvish druid... he killed Johan, they say.  I left them, to get away from the dissension... and that druid killed Johan.  I hope someone finds him and brings him to justice.

She puts her journal away, and slips into her cold bed, looking at the pillow Shiff should be lying on.

[Frances]

*The handwriting in this entry is sloppy compared to the neat, if somewhat large lettering previously seen*

I really messed up this time.  While exploring in the lower peaks of the Brech range, I ran into a group of adventurers, including Randi.  "Come with us to Brenuth," she said, "It'll be good to clear the path of yetis."

I guess I shouldn't hold it against her; I would have helped most anyone in that task.  But we never made it there.  A snow storm came up, worse than anything I've ever seen, even home in Melnon.  We were soon helplessly lost.  We used up nearly all of our supplies, trying to keep moving towards Brenuth and safety, and in the end missed it completely.  We ended up in the household of Baron Ram Larks, luckily.  We would have been dead if we'd stayed out in that storm much longer.

Something strange going on in that household.  Werewolves, and something else.  We fought off numerous attacks, trying to keep them safe there, but in the end everyone died.  We suspect a traitor in the house.  Come to think of it, the Baron, his daughter, and a couple members of his household were never accounted for.  Strange...

Worst of all, I was bitten by a huge beasty.  My wounds took forever to close, and they burned like acid.  They still look horrible.  I'm more hideous than before...

With the help of the rest of the group (Omer, Randi, Berak, Brina (don't know much about her), Malkor (he's sick too)), I made it back.  After seeing what happened in that house, I don't feel safe going home to the kids.  Randi was nice enough to let me stay with her.

Shiff was ... well, upset doesn't quite cover it.  He's been by to see me a lot.  I know he means well, most of the time, but I keep biting his head off.  He gets me so angry, blaming me for what happened.  I was doing my best to keep that household safe, and he accuses me of not be careful enough!  

I was so mad at him I almost attacked him.  All I could see was red, and I felt like I wanted to jump on him, and rip him with my hands and teeth.  I barely was able to restrain myself.  He hasn't brought a subject up like that again.

I know he loves me, and wants to be with me, but the scars from that fight make me so ugly, I can't bear to let him near me.  And with the way my anger is running, I don't want to the children to see me like this.

I'm afraid that I might lose control, and they might get hurt.  I miss them so sometimes, but ... it's better this way.  

Omer says the alpha has to be killed, to free Malkor and me from this curse.  I'm not sure I can help; my wounds, though closed, still hurt.  My strength isn't what it should be.  Worst of all, my judgement and temper are completely unpredictable, and I could be a great danger to my friends.

I can't even sleep well.  My dreams are full of blood, fear, fighting, and death.  And I keep craving raw meat, still warm after the kill if possible.  I wonder if this is a little of what Shiff felt after Haven that time.  I've woken several times screaming; Randi comforts me, and she's doing a great job taking care of me, but the dreams are getting worse, if anything.

Shiff would probably want to be there to comfort me after I wake in terror, but I don't know what he'd think if he saw me like this.  He says he loves the way I look, but now I'm just hideous.  And sick.

I still wish he were here.

[Frances]

*The handwriting in this entry is sloppier still than the last.*

I don't know how much longer I can stand this.  I read a notice in town that Rose, Clarissa, and someone else I don't know are working on a cure for me and others, but I don't know how I'm going to reach them.  I also read that the Port Hempstead authorities want to arrest the lot of us who were at Baron Larks during that storm.  They said they wanted to "ask questions", but Berak went to answer their questions and was arrested.  I'm staying as far away from that city as I can right now.  I think Vehl, or maybe Hurm should work well... no one looks too closely at anyone there.

A fit of coughing keeps Val busy for a minute

I wish I could see my family again.  Shiff'll take good care of our children, make sure they're well cared for.  I'd go see them, but... I don't trust myself.  I'm... changing.  It's like I want blood.  I want to tear, rip, and slaughter.  I don't want my children to see me like this, but I really don't want to hurt them.  I don't know if I can control myself much longer.  Maybe I should get out of the cities, out in the wilderness where I won't hurt anyone...

I hope Shiff only tells them the good things about me after I'm gone.

I miss him, but our children need him.

*There is a pattern of fine brown dots on this page, like a spray of some sort that has dried here.

[Frances]

*Val looks through her journal, frowning slightly as she reads the last entries.*

I'm better now.  Rose, Clarissa, a follower of the Longstrider named Jin, and a healer in the Citadel of Toran in Huangjin managed to heal me.  I don't remember the details, and I wasn't conscious for much of it, but apparently they were able to drive the infection out of me with some sacrifice.

I guess I owe Toran a debt now.  I have no idea how to pay back a debt like this.

The scars from the injuries have faded now, mostly.  They had been red and raw, and they felt like they had acid in them that was slowly seeping into my body.  I can still see faint white marks from a bite on my right arms (it looks like a flattened circle of dots, very faint), and I can feel a series of parallel lines down my neck from my left cheek.  I think it was a claw mark.

Shiff says he loves me no matter how I look.  I guess marks like these can't make me look any worse.  It's hard to see myself like he does, that I am beautiful as myself.  I try, I really do, but... maybe if he keeps telling me, someday I'll believe it.

It's wonderful to be home with him, both having him home and being home.  I'm not sure if the authorities in Hempstead are still interested in me for that disappearing Baron.  Maybe I should be careful around there, just in case.

It's wonderful to be home with the kids, too.  I missed them so, as much as I missed Shiff, but in a different way.  *Val chuckles.* He's intent on proving to me how beautiful I am.  The attention is nice, but sometimes I wish he wasn't quite so passionate, I could use more sleep.  The kids are a handful to look after and I need lots of energy for that.  He says he's making up for lost time.  I'm not sure if that means all the time he was gone before, or the time I was gone (or didn't want him around) recently.

Tyra's skill with the bow is slowly improving.  I've watched her and Trouble shooting.  They both seem like they have talent, but Trouble has been regularly outshooting her, especially on the longer shots.  She's still just having fun, luckily; I'd hate for her to get upset and give up on it.

It was funny watching them go off the other day.  Sall (who apparently was having troubles of his own) and Tegan took them off fishing.  Drakie's started tagging along with them.  Tegan seems like such a firebrand sometimes, but I can see how she cares for Sall and Trouble.  I wonder what Sall and Tegan really did on that fishing trip; something about the way they were looking at each other makes me think they weren't after fish.

*Her hsuband comes up behind her, wraps his arms around her, and kisses her neck.  Val enjoys it for a while, then gently pushes him off with a smile so she can put her journal away and get started with her day.*