Journal of Lucius Kaiser

[Krell Himmler]

I grow in power fast, constantly, I read and study every waking hour, the dead bend to my call. I have but one aim in life, to destroy everything that every god stands for, the time has come for the men to stand alone, for now Corath's summons and powers bless me, help me fight my enemies, but I use it only so long as is necessary, I feel no loyalty or association for the goals of this god, but do I owe it for my salvation? Law and order would see me dead for the death of my father.

I am almost always alone, I have no friends or family, the only person I speak to really is a Rose Blair and an unusual man of the church by the name of Balzag. He has stood by me, I guess but he is unreliable and I fear unstable. Rose is truly kind, but her hateful god wishes to punish me. I hate Toran and all he stands for. Corath may be cruel, but at least in its cruelty there is honesty, Toran claims justice and goodness, but punishes those who wish change, those who see a glim sliver of light in the darkness.

I find I am a deeply troubled soul, I barely hold myself together anymore these days, I throw myself at my enemies, I have long had no fear of death, but sometimes I fear that I wish for it, that I want to bring it on myself.

[Krell Himmler]

Rose is growing increasingly tiresome with the fake god of Toran. I shouldn't isolate this god as the only fake one, as all gods are fake, the one true god is man himself, the gods live from our worship and OUR power. It's time to take it back.

G'ork asked for my services in questioning Brian today, the pay was good so I happily went along with him, however Brian became irate and tried to run, I paralysed him in response to which G'ork killed him, he did give him a chance to fight, but alas, it was not to be, he stood there and just died, I had no part in his death, neither did I try to stop it. I wash my hands of it, but I must say I really do not care, he's rude and a fool.

Signed,
Lucius Kaiser

[Krell Himmler]

It was not long since my last journal entry but so much has changed since then. I have been thinking and thinking about the death of Brian, when I think over the conversation, G'ork did offer Brian a chance to escape with his life.....but he got foolish and ran....apparently in the past Brian had betrayed G'ork and another, whose name I don't know to save himself. I don't know any details on these events although I dare say I never will. G'ork, the one they call evil and condemn is ironically the closest I have to a friend, well him and Balzag....I have no doubt of their evil...but their is honour and friendship to be had in them...they do not judge, they accept me, regardless of my past or actions.

I have resolved that I will be alone whenever possible, company is only useful regarding the benefits it may offer me at any given time, be they money or survival, I have made very few friends.....but the few I made turn out to have so many issues or encumber me personally to such a large degree that I have begun to believe they are more of a hindrance than a help, most notibly those of the so called "good" variety. The so called council of hope whom I was hired to infiltrade and find the identities of were all just fools and idiots, I was initially swayed by their kindness and good nature, by their helpful attitudes, but things changed; worthy of nothing but their enemies blades....I sucessfully found the identities of most of their members, through intuition and by following known members, their secret wasn't even slightly secretive, if I conducted my operations in such a manner I would be dead; they never even knew I was there.....One of their number, one of the oldest members...Krys as he's known a monk wearing all red almost showed everyone my identity and could have ended my life and months of work.....I won't let it happen again. I am giving his name and identity to all of my contacts..I don't know if he's the leader of this council, but they will think he is, I can't risk his bumbling incompetence. I have worked long and hard to get into the inner sanctums of the Corathite church, demons, undead and more. If my identity is revealed in public, all of that is for naught.

No one had ever been kind to me before I met Rose....but I grow more and more wary, what I had believed to be an honest and sincere person I begin to think is really using me for information....I don't know. All I do know is that I've grown more distant from the worlds of men, my only friends increasingly become the dead...or should I say the undead? At least in them I know loyalty is assured. I was a fool and I must find a way to remedy this mistake. I cannot bring myself to harm her....but I will remedy things, I must.

Signed
Lucius Kaiser

[Krell Himmler]

I lost control of myself in the temple, I summoned a demon and threatened  some of the lower ranking members of the clergy.....this was not wise of me. Before I knew what was happening darkness closed in around me and I was drowning on my own blood, I don't know if I died or if I lived....I managed to climb onto the horse I think before passing out again and it carried me from the temple, I can't give up, there is more to this then what I could believe or possibly imagine at this time, necromancy is my art and I believe this book to be the pinacle of it. So much blood....everywhere *passes out again*

This is not the end.

//written some time after the fact

[Krell Himmler]

//written after the saga of the temple:

*The harsh velium paper has deep impressions in it from the nub of the metal pen, Lucius draws a blade across his wrist, using the blood to write upon the black paper*

I have felt things and thought things.....I was a fool and idiot, what man such as I trusts anyone. I left a lot of lose ends due to my foolish actions, I must find a way to tie them all up before it's too late. My name, my face, my voice, all these things must change.

*the writing into the velium gets harsher now, almost tearing through it, Lucius throws some books into the wall in a fit of rage and yells, launching a fireball into the wall of his study, smashing a bookshelf*

WHO AM I TO HAVE A NORMAL LIFE

Thrice cursed by all the gods, i dragged myself from the gutter, I met a woman, an Aasimar...I fell for her, I was stupid.

*at this point the entries trail of into inconsistant babble, consumed in rage and cursing*

But Lucius....we will twist this to our advantage....this is NOT the end! Those at the church will pay...Krys will pay. I will bring back Te'thalus and have my revenge against those who have wronged me, those who seek my death!

[Krell Himmler]

My horse brought me home...dead. I awoke sometime later, saved from the next life and the soul mother...I thought it was over. Somehow Rose must have seen me on the horse, was I dead? I dont know I guess so. She came to my...our home I awoke for a moment to see her face, perhaps the last thing I see....wouldn't be so bad. Maybe I was wrong about her....just maybe there is hope for us afterall, I lay here held in her arms, did I die, did I live? Will I die? I don't know, all I know is it hurts horribly, my chest feels like it is being ripped apart and I am covered completely in blood, all over my face and in my mouth.....so much blood *passes out again*

[Krell Himmler]

I went along to help some sea elves, they were comely lasses and quite friendly, the pay wasn't bad although I must admit that was a major determining factor in my coming along....

I was dismayed to hear the Corathites were at work here. How stupid of them to be so brazen and open.....I think I managed to destroy their altar and hide the evidence from the others, they didn't suspect a thing luckily. I hid it in a tomb in Lar. If the clothing is ever found no one will know what to make of it...I sucessfully covered the tracks of a blundering fool, almost at my own cost! I hope father Corath forgives me for the destruction of his altar, but I had no choice.

[Krell Himmler]

Sometimes I don't know what to think......sometimes I get angry at Rose's foolish love of the false god Toran....but she is so kind to me, I don't know what I would do if I was without her....sometimes. The Corathite order took me in, tought me the weave, they tought me how to survive.....they tought me hate. So why do I feel and think what I do now...I don't understand these feelings tear me in half. Her and the council gifted me with some scrolls for my efforts, I feel gratitude is it? No one has given me anything before, sometimes I think about joining them and leaving father Corath but his retribution would be swift and brutal....The armies of the world could not stop his wrath that would befall me...I know too much to be allowed to live.

But then I think, my feelings for her and my gratitude for the Council of hope are one thing....but my hatred of the world. I cannot stand so many of the people, I cannot bring myself to their pain or destruction but if something were to happen of my causing then I assure myself I would not interfere to save them. The world deserves the same cruel fate it inflicted on me....if I had met people like Rose earlier perhaps I wouldn't have fallen to this path, but here I am. Condemned to hell, such is the fate of the damned.

Now I have this book, I feel I'm at the crossroads of fate, give it to evil, give it to good or keep it myself and harness its power.....

Sometimes it gets too hard, I stand atop the walls of hempstead at night and look down below, perhaps it would be better if I ended it all.......if only I hadn't been born to this fate.

[Krell Himmler]

The past haunts me. The death of Silvia, Brian, my father. Their souls haunt me and trouble me. I cannot stand the pain of these events. I want to tell someone, to relieve the burden on my soul but I don't want to go to prison or to be found out by the law.

I feel remorse and I am sorry for my actions, but I cannot change them. I am committed to the path now.

[Krell Himmler]

Interesting news reached my ears today from a man, a Farros Galdor. He told me a few interesting things, apparently Plenarus Ashley, Clarissa and a few others aided the return of the dracolich; Dracus. Some council of hope it would appear from their actions they are more akin to a council of doom.

I was surprised that all of them did not fall for working with an evil dark elf. I spoke to Elohanna about Rose, and she got quite curious and repeatedly asked questions of us.....it would appear she wished something to happen although I'm not sure what. People and their motivations never were my strong point.

I told Elohanna not to speak to Rose about it but it appears she did so I will endeavor to follow up and see what I can find out about the whole thing. It will be interesting to watch Elohanna squirm, I think I will play with her a bit and see her try and lie perhaps.....lying always was my strong point she shan't be a match for me in this arena. Perhaps I will glean some more useful information from the whole debacle.

Then again, Rose loves me, she taught me what it was to be special, that there is still good in the world. I find myself drawn to a lack of faith in all things....I do not believe in the gods...I hate them all. Good, evil, neutral all of them should leave men to their own devices and their own world. I will keep attempting to work for both sides....where it suits my interests, I saw evil...in my opinion from good and evil. There is only evil in the gods and this is not my path.

Sincerely Signed,
Lucius Kaiser

[Krell Himmler]

//requesting change of diety to blank, my CDT and RP supports this completely. After such cruelty form them he feels that such a god is not one who would wish to support but without ever being helped by the other gods or given 'mercy' he dislikes them all, converting to nothing and paying lip service to none. He believes the world should be run by men for men. The GM's who follow me around would've seen this also in the RP.

//Despite the change to no deity being fully supported IG and through RP I'm just not having fun with the way deities work here and would enjoy it as one of the faithless.

//I do envisage him staying a member in so far as being there and helping with missions as he still 'owes' them one and it is a place to belong...but believe in the mad god himself is somewhat lacking, it may be a temporary lapse of faith, but that depends on the course of events beyond my own control. I just go with what happens.

[Krell Himmler]

I have been spending more time with Rose priest of the false god. That is, any god. I have decided that it will be my life's work to wage war against the gods with my words. I could not destroy them with power alone but I hope to speak against them whenever I can. The gods gain power from the worship of men. Every followers I remove from the faith is a little bit less power they have. I hope to grow and create an organization, I will call it the organization, or amongst members "The Faithless". Our aim will be to bring down the gods and create a new world, a better world, a world of men.

Corath was cruel, he was hatred incarnate; yes I have hated and do hate many things....but not everything, I have made friends, love and comrades....people I could not bring myself to ever hate. Dedication to one god, means dedication to one set of principles to the exclusion of all else that is part of life. To be one with Corath, was to be cruel and hateful of all the world, without mercy or compassion. To be one with Toran is to be one with love, but always righteous, always foolish. Not encompassing the human qualities of hatred or anger, all qualities are equal, all are needed, all of them in balance is what makes us human.

We created the gods, not them us. They live from our worship it gives them strength and power. Why else would they consistently meddle in our affairs...

I knelt in the open before a full moon and renounced my god, I laughed at the irony as I passed ethereal, seeing an Angel of Toran....here to smite me down...HA! That is nothing but amusing and would be a fitting piece of irony.....I believe my actions brought it to this world....it is amusing that I managed through my actions to cause their intervention....perhaps they are afraid of me and what I may do. I will I hope give them reason to fear me.

I finish this entry with a short poem I composed for the event:

No use in praying, no one is listening,
We die anyways,
Some say I should be full of guilty, that I run with devils,
Now my blood must be spill,
Sentenced for a crime I have yet to commit,
Nation of gods, no way!

[Krell Himmler]

I am at a crossroad, all I worked for to get into the black mages offered to me, advancement in the church...the love of a lady.

The world has given me a choice, good or evil.....or nothing. I don't know what to do, I must think more....the ramifications are huge.

//I will do something re: the plot once real life thins out a little, currently i'm just online chatting usually and doing work on my other pc. But I will take action soon (mixafix).