Kinai's Book of Darks

[Interia_Discordius]

[There is a small memo book lying on the tavern table, next to a tall glass of some wine. There are designs of different armor styles, little notes written next to them. Her words are written in curly letters, accented by hearts and squiggles.]  Daddy FINALLY let me out of Hlint and into the world!!! No one could possibly even imagine how absolutely pleased I was when he finally told me that, in the morning, he would let me explore on my own! All those years of pretending to be a stinking fighter and learning the lore of this world paid off~!

[Interia_Discordius]

I finally found Avar! Celith (Ears), Sol, and I were drinking in the tavern, and after Ears was done hugging the door and passing out in his room, Avar appeared out of nowhere at the table behind us sipping some drink. It scared me, actually, but I didn't make it noticeable...Plus, I was a little drunk myself, so I think my reaction was too slow to be seen. I hope.   I forget where Sol went, but he left afterwards, and so I sat down to talk with Avar. I couldn't see in that dark hood of his, but people were right! He seems to be a very good rogue~! Elf boy Ears has good eyes, and even he didn't notice, so Avar had to be good!  He told me my half-dressed armor outfit wouldn't do any good for hiding. He said it'd attract more attention. I didn't know monsters cared for any of that! I just like it in my travels with people~!

[Interia_Discordius]

I met Ferrit today when she was making business with a mage. Ears and I bought some armor and such from her. I never realized how difficult shopping was. I always thought you just bought whatever looked nice, not what was actually good for journeying! I still have a lot to learn...

I wonder if Ears likes me. Yesterday, he was running around chasing me after we killed some harpies trying to hug me or something. I really wasn't sure what to think...I kept running.

Hmm.

I met a ghosty person today. He was ANOTHER elf (Where are all the human men at?!). A cleric named Liatsh and I tried to help him find his grave. We accidentally stumbled onto a camp of goblins. That could have been a disaster, but none of us died, luckily. I don't know why I wrote that here. I guess keeping a track of my near deaths will keep me from actually dying. I really don't want to meet this Soul Mother everyone talks about.

[Interia_Discordius]

I'm still traveling, but for what, I'm beginning lose the point of...The constant killing, the looting, the flirting, it's all fine, but...What am I doing? My goal is to woo every man I ever meet, but it's all getting so dull. Everyone is the same. Everything is the same...I feel lost.
I keep myself going on the thought that I am getting stronger for the day I meet Avar again, to prove that I'm a willful girl, but will I ever see him again? I'm lost.

[Here the words are smeared and blurred from what was tears on the page.]

...Deaths of my friends and teammates make things no easier. I know there will be a day when they won't come back in their faded forms, and I know there will be a day when they are gone for good...When I will be gone for good. I cannot even bear the thought, much less the situation when it comes...
What am I doing? Where am I going?

[Interia_Discordius]

I found him! At long last, I finally found him! And of all places, at the crafting area of Hlint. Not sure why Hlint, but I found him~!

We had our little chat there, me sitting on the wooden floor by the poison table, and him working on something. He seemed a lot more pleased with my attire than before...It made me happy. I was worried he wouldn't like it again...I wonder why it matters what he thinks of me. It shouldn't. What other people thought never mattered...Oh well~

We walked out (with him hiding, so it was more like me walking with a ghost!) to Hlint, and just sort of sat down by the pawn shop and talked. The night was quiet, there weren't many people...It was calm and peaceful. Coupled with his mysteriousness, everything felt so right for once. I didn't understand the fluttering in my chest, nor the hope that was growing in me for my own journeys. The silence between our words was not awkward, but perfection.

Oh, listen to me...I sound like a woman in love. Hmph.

I didn't want him to go, but after some time there, he announced his having to leave. I followed him to the road, and he stopped me, asking me an odd question of whether I lost something or not...I didn't know how to respond, I wanted to tell him he had stolen my heart, the thief he was, but I kept silent and shook my head.

Avar...Stole my heart.
Is this what Daddy spoke of? Is this ... Love?

[Interia_Discordius]

It's been so hectic lately...

Up in Berhagen, in Shoufal, my team and I were attacked by this creature of ice...An ice elemental. I tried to get away, but with one hit of crackling ice and tremendous pain, I was knocked into darkness. I can't...Remember much in the darkness, but all I could remember was the sound of crackling and extreme cold. The touch of death...The sound of loss.

It's so hard to write about...It scared me. It really scared me.

The next thing I see is Tadashi bending over me, his concerned eyes worried, warm hands pulling me out of the snow. There was a gnome named Gimbo buried alive too, and to add, he was naked. That was... Frightening. I really didn't need to see a naked gnome.

The rest was rather a blur...I was sitting by the campfire, shivering violently, and lost in my own futile attempts to regain warmth.

Jakey and Tadashi took me to the Rof-whatever temple, where Judge Reus and the others worked on trying to save the gnome, later called Gimbo, and myself. They said that what I had was elemental poisoning, where I was exposed to pure elemental energy for a long amount of time. My entire skin was coated with ice, and no mere magic could wash it away. In that state of cold, I dozed in and out of consciousness for the next few days.

The next memory was of Judge Reus excitedly talking about a cure, and me dipping into a holy pool warmed by elemental fire. The ice retreated away, and I was so grateful, I cried. Never again did I want to feel that wretched ice touch my lovely skin...

I thought that would be the end of it, you know? It was quite a tiring thing to begin with, but when we returned to Berhagen some weeks later, what do you know? Ice storms and blizzards come crashing down into us. Ears automatically decides it's the ice elemental, and while I'm trying to keep my sanity, we all run back to the temple.

Seems like Mr. Gimbo, that odd and rather insane gnome, has more to do with the story than we expected...

To make a long story short, I met a swampy elemental, even talked to it, and Gruffy and Aiek found some spheres. We all think Gimbo is going around capturing creatures...That swamp elemental seemed outraged when I showed him the sphere. He almost killed me...

I think I should just learn to hide more, don't you, memo book~? I could vanish into the night where no one would ever find me again.

[Interia_Discordius]

Is being a rogue something to not be proud of? I speak my profession loudly and hold my head up high, but it seems it brings more trouble now than before...At least, now that I've gotten better. People change now that I tell them I'm a rogue. They back away and place their hands over their bags, no matter how much I tell them I won't steal from them. I'm a good rogue, I don't use my skills for evil! I clean out the wallets of the enemies my teams and I kill...It's not like those giants and such would be using that money anymore themselves!

I'm just confused...The guards don't trust me, and Garent always keeps a close eye on me when I'm around. I wish I could step back into the shadows and be gone, but whenever I try, people just find me again. I feel like a child playing a terrible game of hide and go seek, where the seeker is society laughing with pointy fingers, and I cannot hide...I'm hiding behind what is my truth while they seek me out with judgmental spears.

I want to hide correctly, forever.

How does Avar do it? I wish I could do what he does...

[Interia_Discordius]

I'm not as much of a flirt as I used to be. I guess we all get a taste of our own medicine, huh? It's more of a flirt to get love back situation, and it's giving me a bad situation to be in. I might ask Ozy sometime...He's lived thousands of years, he's gotta know about this.

I went to Dregar with Sallaron and the others. Sallaron seems to have an ale problem...Like that's his lady or something. Something in me is telling me to reach out and help him, but I know my heart will try another of its dumb stunts and get me into a worse problem. I'm so self-centered. I just went back and read what I wrote, and I realize how much I don't care what happens to other people...

Maybe this is my chance to make things different...

Hmm...I guess I may as well work on releasing my heart from its terrible prison...I'll always have a fascination with other rogues, especially Avar, but I can't let that mean anything to me. Someday, I'll be as good as them all, and when the day comes, I know I'll stop caring and being amazed as much. You're supposed to love the man, not what he can do.

I'm not convincing myself...

At least I know that time will do the work for me...

Until then, I know what I have to do, and that's help Sallaron.

[Interia_Discordius]

I caught up with Avar on my way to the Battle Fens with Daniel, Tath, Aeryn, and the others. I suppose it was a rather timely occurrence, seeing as my own mind was spinning its own daze and craze of lovely confusions.

Listen to me. I get soooo poetic when I'm hurt. Ugh. I could have been born a bard.

I guess all dreams do come to an end, right? I didn't say anything directly to him, I couldn't. I just preoccupied myself with gathering coins and items from the dead trolls while shooting glances up at him. It's not like he spoke to me...Well, or anyone else, for that matter. There had to have been a reason why he followed though. He didn't get any platinum or really seem to care about what he was doing. I wonder why he bothered to come.

I wish I talked to him. I feel like a fool. Can you blame me?? What's a girl to do?! "Hi, Avar, I hardly know you, but you're sooooo interesting!!"
Nuh uh. That doesn't work in the real world. In my mind, of course, it would. Anything would...Sadly, though, my thoughts aren't reality.

It's always better when it isn't real, it's always better when it isn't real. Let go, let go, let go...

[Interia_Discordius]

Been in Dregar a lot...Mainly with Czukay, Al, Hector, and Pyyran, but still, little ol' Hlint Hlint girl Kinai Kinsei is moving on! It's an exciting thought, although slightly saddening. I never really traveled much before, at least not far, and seeing this much of the world is amazing. I didn't even know there was this much!

Speaking of those guys...
Czukay is... Neat. Seems downright evil, but also neat. His little skull thing is frightening but neat. All in all, he's neat.
Al is a neat person too. Neat. Neat. Neat. I like that word. He really likes fire, and obviously burns himself with it too. He taught me how to howl, and now, I can't stop. Can't say that's the most healthy addiction ever, but it's just howling!
Hector is a rather anti-emotion sort of guy, I think...Not sure what to say about him, but he and Pyyran took care of me after we had been slaughtered in the Dark Forest though, so I can't complain.
Speaking of Pyyran...He's neat too. Nice guy, takes care of me, and seems to have a fancy with Karn. Never thought I'd see that coming.
Neat people in general.
Neat.

Uhh...I guess I'm just summing up to get to the good stuff.
Like Steel~!
Okay well...

Along my journey, I met up with a quiet tiefling named Steel. Actually, quiet is an understatement...Try downright silent. He speaks through gestures, though. I find him a little distant, but interesting. He expresses himself through ways any normal man wouldn't do, and as we both know, my dear memo book, I always go for the different...What do you think? I think it doesn't hurt to try. I have a chance with any man, as long as he doesn't have an evil lady's shadow hanging over him. Heh. Plus, he's nice to me and interacts somewhat more with me than with the others. I know that doesn't SOUND like much, but I think it is.

In the meantime, I'll do the usual...Travel, draw, travel, sing, sleep, travel, flirt, flirt, flirt...And think of ways to woo my new fancy.
Hmm. I don't think Steel's such a bad idea. Tiefling or not.
'Course, anybody reading this would think I've lost my mind.


Maybe I have.

[Interia_Discordius]

Tathy helped me out in my little dilemna over if dating a tiefling was a good idea or not. Said that love is free and such... Of course, he also helped me realize just how little I know of Steel. I never heard him speak, seen him without his helm, or really know what he likes and what he doesn't. I guess maybe it's just his company I enjoy right now.

Speaking of company, I wonder if I should go back to being with Lex'or and them. Lately, my group's consisted of people like Skabot, Farros, and Czukay. Now, don't get me wrong, I love them all, but...They tend to influence me in ways that don't feel quite right. Ever since I've been with them, I've been a little colder to my teammates, and...Things that shouldn't be funny are. Like earlier when Pyyran and my teammates were killed while I hid in the darkness and survived? Why was that funny to me? Death isn't supposed to be funny, but I just couldn't stop laughing...

Czukay gave me a jar of scabs gathered from the feet of his enemies. It honestly creeps me out, but I can't seem to stop playing with the thing! I spin it, I toss and catch it in the air, I stare at it. I promised to find him something equally, if not more, disgusting as a ... Thank you gift? I might get him a bunch of giant's eyeballs and keep some rotten flesh for him...I think I've completely lost my mind now. I mean, listen to me! Ah!

Oh well...Get a gift, you get something back for them.

[Interia_Discordius]

I gave Czukay a jar of giant's eyeballs. Seemed to have pleased him...Still not sure what I'm doing, or why I actually went out and collected that many eyeballs. I mean, it's actually disgusting, yet it didn't bother me at all. Nor did I cringe when he mashed them up and stuck them into his skull. The smell made me gag, but the actual action? No...

I'm worried. I'm really worried. The things Czukay and the others do should make me feel sick inside, yet why doesn't it? I always lived a life of a rebel with my daddy, sneaking out and breaking into things, but this is different. This is pure corpse defiling and destroying...There's no excuse for that, is there?

Either way...

Czukay is nice to me, believe it or not. He offered me some items and such, and although I knew he didn't need them, it's nice to know I have someone tough looking after me. He makes a good friend.

I met up with Steel later on, and we went on a walk through the outskirts of Fort Velensk. Took on some trolls and such...I asked him if he could talk, and he nodded, obviously saying yes. I was surprised, to say the least. How can anyone be able to talk yet not want to? That was a weird thought to consider...

We sat down later in the Dire Woods under the clouded remains of a sky and "talked." He doesn't take off his helm at all, despite my curiosity and questions, and he seemed more interested in my hat than his helm...I don't know. I want to know what's beneath that helm. One of the Hlint Hlint people mentioned him having blue skin.

Suffice to say, my curiosity is VERY piqued.

[Interia_Discordius]

People don't seem to like me talking to Czukay...

It's just, when I pass another of my friends when I'm traveling with Czu Czu, they all look at me funny and, well, they have questions for me later on. Why do you travel with him, how can you stand him, why do you think he's so cool? Blah blah blah...It was nice to know that people cared before, but now I just want to scream. There's something so easy about Czu Czu that makes following him around Dregar and such comfortable. No strict rules, no judgment, no awkwardness...He has a way of making you feel completely and totally welcome. So what if he's "evil?" If that's what evil is, outside of his hobbies of eating dead things, what's so wrong with it? We all kill, don't we? What's the difference between whether you blatantly state that you like it or not when, deep down inside, you're doing it because you, somewhere, enjoy it.

Oh, my dear paper pages and curly letters, I wish you could speak back. You wouldn't judge me... The men and women of Hlint Hlint and beyond do though. They look at me with their strange and inquiring gazes, and I feel like a newborn baby under their devouring stares of opinion...

It's just, I've tried sneaking past them before, but if I can see them, they can usually see me. I hate how that all works out. If only I could vanish and, well, just deny ever having being there...It'd be like, "Oh, Kinai, were you with Czukay earlier?" And I'd give THEM that funny and judgmental gaze and go, "What are you talking about, lovely? I wasn't even near Dregar...Best stay away from the ale, maybe."

Oh, a girl can dream.

And the best part is, if I can learn what Avar did with his vanishing, it won't just be a dream. It would be reality!

[Interia_Discordius]

10 soul strands on the wall, 10 soul strands, take one day, pass it around, 9 soul strands on the wall.

I've lost three total now. With each loss, I feel slightly more faint, and the pull of the Soul Mother's eyes feels stronger. It's scary, and it gives me a sensation of wanting to close my eyes and let her take my soul for good. I can't imagine how it feels when you drop below 5 soul strands...

I helped Czu Czu with his marketing technique a little. Advised him that maybe running around with a bloody and flaming skull wouldn't bode well with the customers. I wonder how his sales are doing now... Hopefully better, anyhow.

I myself am working on baking a little...When I'm good enough, I'll be able to make a lot of wines and beers and such and food for the friends. It's an exciting thought! Probably take a while, though. I'm still burning Barley in the ovens, although not as much as before... It'll be worth it!

Turns out I'm about 50k in debt, too. Greaaaat. Guess I'll be gambling for a long time to pay THIS one off. I hope the stuff I bought will be worth it though...Seems so far, but the adamantium kukris is what I'm fidgeting uncomfortably for. I'm dying to use them.

Ahh, the life of a little ol' Hlint Hlint girl.

[Interia_Discordius]

I'm honestly getting sick of people asking me if I'm a Xeenite. No, I'm not, I don't have a deity...At least, not yet.

I spoke with a guy named Deon a while ago, and he had explained to me a little about the Lady of Pain and Pleasure. Coupled with a little of what he said, it's making me wonder if that's the right way to go. I wear the Xeenite style clothes, I drink their wine, I switch from kukris to the whip at times... You know, why not?

We'll see...I'll talk to my friends, and if they're alright with it, I'll actually consider it. For now, it's more of a dancing thought on the edge of my mind.

Speaking of dancing, I had to dance around Lex'or's questions and the others' inquiring gazes. We found a skull on a stick down in Dregar's Forest of Mists caves, and I wanted to take it and give it to Czu Czu since he seems to REALLY like skulls. Well, seems like the paladin and the clerics didn't much appreciate me wanting it...They guessed my intentions and decided to destroy it. Why would you destroy a perfectly good piece of loot, evil or not? That could still fetch a good price somewhere!
Ugh.

Either way, I pretended to be scared of it and shivered, and it seemed to have worked...Although I wonder if Lex'or saw through me. Petey, err, Czu Czu's skull never really bothered me, oddly enough. It did at the beginning, but as long as it never came near my feather on my hat, I just ignored it. I guess it's because I know Czu Czu wouldn't hurt me with it, and because when I died he didn't do his usual ritual with my blood.

People need to accept me for who I am!

[Interia_Discordius]

I met Deon again, and I expressed how I was interested in Xeen. He talked to me a bit about it, and I'm seriously considering it now. I think it'd be interesting...Living life to its fullest and such. Be better than always not knowing what I'm doing. I don't know though... Seems a little TOO much fulfillment, if you ask me. We'll see.

I ran into Steel and finally was able to join in on the fun in the Leilon Arms tavern. Drank Dwarf's Head ale and stuff...Met Kali. She seems nice, but it makes me feel uncomfortable that I can't really talk to Steel when all those people are there with us. It's odd...I never feel bashful, but being with him makes me a different person. I can't figure out if that person is good or bad yet. I do trust him, though...Wish I could get to know him better.

Not much going on otherwise, to say the least... I also talked to Aeryn, who seems a little confused and heartbroken himself. I hope he'll be alright. He's a nice elf.

Uhh...Cooking is getting better now. As soon as I find out where to find brewer's yeast, I'll start making ale...
...
...
I'm too sad to write. I keep thinking about Steel and missing what I know of him.

[Interia_Discordius]

I spoke with Lex'or and Talia some time ago about love, loss, pain, and current dilemnas. It seems all three of us are going through some form of confusion or chasing game. Lex'or's being tricked left and right, Talia is getting sick of men and love, and I'm getting tired of doing all the work to get to know Steel. It was a sort of enlightening conversation, us sitting around the fire and just talking, but I can't say it helped too much...All of us are still stuck, it seems.

Later on, Czu Czu and the others and I ran into Hector. The boy is losing his mind... And he's also convinced himself that I'm the fattest thing he's ever seen. I'm not fat, am I? I don't think I am...Nor does anyone else. I guess it's alright then. I just hate hearing it! I dislike Hector with a passion, but his delusional state of mind is getting worse. I can't wish for him to go insane, but I can't care enough to help him. I hope he finds his sanity sometime soon, though.

Moving on...

[A drawing of a sleeping Steel on a couch is at the top of the page, a small sketch of a warm fireplace and a bit of the inside of the Leilon Arms enhancing the drawing.]

Kali's toga party was a blast today, although I sensed a sort of tenseness from some people lingering below the air of wine and food...It bothers me slightly how we all drank, as if we were erasing problems more than having fun. I can't blame them for it though, I think a part of me was trying to stop the incessant thoughts myself...It's painfully difficult to always be worried about how you look, what others think, and your own issues...

Steel looked peaceful himself in the corner of the Arms, curled up in front of the fire. I used him as a pillow about twice, just wishing I could wake him up and admit to him how I feel. I admitted to Ranewin and Grote when I was leaning against the couch though, so I hope he was faking sleep that time and he actually heard me...But that'd be too easy, wouldn't it?

Krys is being a big help though. He's offering suggestions and is setting up Steel's travels so we all run into each other...Definitely makes it so it's not like I'm chasing after him all the time or something. I really do appreciate his help, but I do hope it amounts to something. I can't handle doing this forever.

[Interia_Discordius]

The shadows entranced me today in the Forest Giant Cave...I'm not sure why. There was something about the way the magical spells were casting those dancing shades upon the wall that made me stop and stare. It was amazing.

I see why rogues and shadowdancers stick to the shadows so much instead of running out through the open. I personally enjoy both just as much, although now I find myself using darkness as a benefit I did not quite see before. With the knowledge of who I want to spend time with the most, and who my friends are, I find simply walking through the crowds unseen and listening to their conversations just as entertaining as picking those subjects and being the center of attention.

It grows on you, really. I don't think you start out liking it as much as you do once you get used to it. Now I see why Avar is always hidden...I might be that way someday too.

I know what I want to do now though for myself, and that is to totally and completely master the darkness...And make it mine.

I think I'll be spending more time writing in my notepad on how to become better, and save my girlish fantasies for a time when I have nothing better to do. My focus in life should be my blades, my skills, and myself...As much as I care for Steel, I can't let myself lose myself.

[Interia_Discordius]

A shadow caught me off-guard in the desert, and as it stared down at me with its dead eyes, me challenging it defiantly with my own, it spoke to me. It knew of my desire to be a shadowdancer, and it knew how much I sought for that potential to become the perfect one. It's hoarse voice whispered how something was watching, watching me... It was unnerving, and before I could ask what was watching, it bled away into the air, vanishing...I want its power, I want to be able to summon them to my will, and...

I want to be a shadowdancer. I've been practicing so much more now, vanishing and appearing, eavesdropping...Everything and anything to get better. I have to get better. I never settled for second best, and I won't start settling for it now.

Speaking of settling, Steel and I settled ourselves out in a town before North Point watching a small waterfall. He actually spoke to me then, and his voice was rich and powerful. I was amazed...He spoke of someone he referred to as Him, saying how he would teach the fatherless and widows, the outcasts and scorned, to become a force to be reckoned with. He was cryptic, I didn't necessarily understand what he meant when he said that He had given him His task...But either way, he has a point, a goal, and I admire him for that.

I wanted to tell him so badly how I felt, but I knew deep down inside it wasn't the right time...I stayed quiet, although because of my everlasting mouth and speak before think issues, I ended up nearly telling him anyways. I really hope he didn't catch it.

The children are all that matter, he says...It sort of hurt, but at least he has his priorities set. I wonder if he ever spares any time for himself. I wonder if he'll ever feel something for me, like how I feel for him.

[Interia_Discordius]

Rayenoir and Avar are both amazingly fun to watch...Their shadow slinking is becoming more familiar to me as I observe them, and although I can't completely do as they do, I'm trying. I vanish a few moments before them, appear behind the enemy as they do. I'm not sure if they realize I'm following the strategy they were able to know inherently, but I hope either way, I'm doing it correctly.

I've been thinking about what the shadow summon had said to me, the whole watching me thing...Feeling strangely calmer at night now because of it. The normal person would most likely feel paranoid, but I guess I'm not that normal after all. Magic, darkness, insanity...It's all so enchanting to me. I feel flattered that something of greater power than myself would keep its eyes on me, that it would assist me in my goal to become one with the unseen.

Sleep has become an odd sensation since a while ago...Instead of waking up and feeling refreshed, smiling brightly at my teammates, I wake up enshrouded by the shadows, as if during my stillness, they had come over and covered me like a blanket. I feel protected, yet somewhat frightened at its occurrance. I guess I'm getting a little better at hiding, to the point where I'm doing it unconsciously.

It may be best if I find Avar or Rayenoir somehow and see if they can help me hone my skills to a sharp point. That's probably what will be best...