Masks

[Tobias]

Tobias lays in bed, eyes unfocused and distant. The elf next to him resting peacefully for now but, it wasn't one of her good days. Really there hasn't been many of the good ones in the last month. He blinks rapidly and leans over and kisses her softly on the forehead before sliding out of the bed. He combs his hair back with his hands tying up his hair back in a ponytail and quickly dresses.. Tobias glances back and looks over the sleeping elf , the words she spoke that night still haunting him.. " I don't know you.." Those simple words have brought so much fear to him as he truly doesn't know himself or what he stands for. Hells, he doesn't even know what he wants.. No. that's not true he told himself.. he wants to be with her but, what can he offer her? His love? His fears? A future? She deserves more, so much more.. He shakes his head and heads to the basin of water on the table and dips his hands in the water and splashes some on his face and looks up in the mirror.. He exhales. "Who the hells are you Toby..." He smirks at that.. even his name isn't real.. One lie on top of another.. So many lies and now he even doesn't know what to believe.
 
Doesn't she deserve to know everything? He tells her that he wants her to let him in and to share her fears and yet.. is he willing to let her in? He knows she senses that he is hiding something but, it's hard for him to say for even to this day it still brings back strong emotions that he is unsure he is ready to face..
 
It's strange concept for him to open up and become vulnerable. For so long he has worn this mask and maybe it's too late for it ever to be removed. In not telling her how he feels for her, maybe it's not only to respect her boundaries as he knows she is still struggling with so much pain and uncertainty but, it's also a way for him not to face the truth. And he doesn't know where he stands in her heart.. How can he step forward and confess everything only to be refuted. He did that once before and it left him broken and he sees it happening again with her..So he will build his wall.. and ask her to tear hers down.. His heart tells him to give love a chance but, his brain is telling him no, not yet..let her say it first, for if she doesn't then you can put on another mask and smile and tell her you will still be her friend. And slowly he can step away and let another fill the void he could not..
 
And how does she feel for Nym? There is a deep history there he knows.. The short time he spent with them he could sense that they care for each deeply but, they are from two different worlds yet they lean on each other for a chance at redemption. What right does he have to get in the way of that? Nym is his friend even if the feeling isn't mutual. He would gladly fight beside him and assist him with whatever he could..Should he stand aside and let Zarianna and Nym's story play out? Wouldn't a friend do that? Tobias shakes his head confused and unsure of what to do and his mind fills with doubt. What if she chooses Nym? Could he handle that rejection?
 
Tobias frowns slightly. Rejection... an old friend and he knows how to greet it and tuck it away behind a warm smile and a joke or two. There it will find a home and reinforce his wall. Still as he looks back over her sleeping figure finally at peace from the long day of pain and being sick, he promised and will not leave, can't break her heart..
 
Gods!.. Break his so she can love again.. He is willing to make that sacrifice. Darkness and loneliness are things he can endure and has endured for so many years.. But, to see her in that place tears at his soul. Maybe.. just maybe if he could help her out of the blackness. Perhaps there would be a way out for him as well.. He can hold out a hand and try to pull her up but, in doing so would he tumble further in to the void?
 
He lets out a sigh and rubs his fingers through his hair, searching for an answer on what to do. His hands shake steadily as he continued to search for an answer on what he should do.. He was so scared to let her in. To let her know everything and to be completely vulnerable.. He walks over to her side of the bed and strokes her hair gently. Time.. what he told himself, just more time to decide what to do.. He couldn't bear it to lose her even if he knows he has already lost her. He could at least enjoy the dream of having her, the hope of her loving him.. But, soon he knew that the dream would end and eventually he would have to open his eyes and face the truth. Love is a dangerous game and he feared the cards would always be stacked against him.
 
He adjusts his mask and wipes a single tear away from his cheek and flashes a false smile. There.. he told himself.. perfect...

[Tobias]

 

The Ghost you Never Knew:

 

Tobias closes the door quietly as he exits to the streets of Leringard. He glances around quickly as the rains comes down. For the first time he is glad for the rain. He flicks the collar up on his jacket as he walks slowly towards the dock. His mind races as he stares up at the rain letting the water wash off the tears. He was being stupid.. He knew that he couldn’t have kept her, yet.. for a moment.. he had hoped.. What a foolish thing to tell her that he loved her only to hear her say that they couldn’t be together. He fights back the urge to pull his coat tighter to refute the coldness. He needed to feel anything else then what he did now.

We’ll be friends.. that is what he told her and she invited him to stay and enjoy the extra benefits but, not this time.. He did the same with Kali and that pain was too much for him to endure. He couldn’t do it again. Maybe this is for the best? He thought as he continued walking. She still was in love with Nym and only thought that she loved Tobias but, said he had no passions.. no desires. He shakes his head. She was his desire; his passion but, she didn’t want to be his only one. She asked him to search himself and find what his ambition in life would be and she would help him achieve that goal and have something to build a relationship on. When she told him that he wanted so bad to lie and make up something; to not lose her. He flashes a grins and quickly turns to a snarl.. Even by himself he can’t take off the mask. His fist clench tightly as a quiet rage was building inside him.. Why am I so empty?.. Why do I not have anything I want to accomplish? He stood there in the rain trying to calm the inner storm. “She did it for you Toby.. She wants you to live and love being alive. You can’t do that without passions or desires” he whispers to himself.. “She hasn’t given up on you and if she hasn’t.. you shouldn’t either..” As he said it he prayed to any gods that would listen that it was true.

What defines you Toby? What are your loves in life? Passions? Desires? He repeated these questions in his mind.. His first thought was her. It would always be her. Then he thought of Raz and his passions and lengths he has gone to accomplish them. He wanted to be there for Raz and help him with his goal. but, after that though, he’d be left with nothing again… The curse then? But did he really want to give up the curse? It was the one thing that was interesting about him, that she wanted to know about.. and if there was a way to be free of it would he take it?

The rain had stopped but, still tears fell.

As he passes a building, Tobias slides down the wall, shoulders slumped in defeat. Your whole life has been a lie.. so deep is your hole you don’t even know yourself. Trying to fill the void with lies while the only thing it has accomplished is that emptiness has stolen your essence.. You are just a ghost in a shell that is no longer yours.. In the darkness of your heart, you have no name to call your own.

He gritted his teeth.. He knew that was the real reason Zari could not love him. She couldn’t love a lie … But, she wanted to love the elf hidden by those lies or to at least to know him without the mask. Maybe that is what she was trying to tell him.. She said that she was more scared of him then of Nym.. Tobias thought now that she was scared that he would let her down. That there would be nothing behind the mask..

Lies were easy.. The truth was hard and scared him. Yet he was willing to show her where the lies had started. To pull off the mask and be vulnerable. To fill the void with truth and gain back what was stolen from him.

Find yourself… That is your goal. Strip away the lies one at a time and leave the masks behind. Don’t hide from who you were meant to be..

What if he wasn’t meant to be with her? Could he still move on without her?

Tobias let out a heavy sigh knowing that with her or without her, he would need to do it for himself. This could not be something he did for her or it would be a just be another lie..

Tobias tucked his knees close to his chest and wrapped his arms around them rocking back and forth as he did when he was a young elf lying in the cell waiting for his captors to come. For the first time in a very long time, he was scared to be alone in the darkness.

[Tobias]

Unmasked:

"Home, she said I was home..." Tobias stands alone gazing outside the street below watching the seafarers and merchants stumble to their destination as they exit the Arms. He lets out a heavy sigh and turns away from the window, back to the darkness of studio. As he glances around, the scene is very familiar. Finished works of art stacked chaotically in the corner, stone sculptures half finished. And an easel in the corner, revealed by moonlight, catches his eye. He approaches the easel with slow steady steps.. Dust layered over its frame that had accumulated, he assumed over the years... "How long has it been since you lost your passion?" he whispers to the empty easel.  He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a handkerchief and wipes the dust from its surface as debris dance in the light of the moon. 

 

When he was here last time he thought that he could be her passion.. he needed to be it..  He hoped that together they could both move on with their past and share in each other’s dreams of the future.   But, it didn’t happen..  His hands grip the soiled cloth and tosses it towards the pile of paintings in frustration and anger.. “I’m so tired of being scared and running.. I don’t hide my emotions, I run from them..” Like he did this last time.. He only cared for his feelings and used Nym’s empty threats and justification that he was doing the right thing for her.. That he was holding her back from moving on.. He just didn’t want to feel alone.. “But, that’s what you are now Toby….. Alone.. How’s that working out for you? How did that work for you years at sea or searching for a ghost of past that does not want to be found especially by you?” Tobias begins pacing the studio, his anxiety and emotions taking control of him until he falls to the floor hyperventilating.. Tears start running down his face as he fights to gain control of his breathing.. And now he comes back to darken her door, to let any emotions that she may have buried to resurface an overwhelm her.. Again…  It would be best if he just never came back for both of them..  Tobias fights to recover his breathing but, is unable to fight the tears..  But he came back.. He needs her in his life.. needs a friend.. his feelings be damned. 

 

With that revelation he is able to master his breathing once again and is able to pick himself back up. He glances back at the empty easel. “This time I will be here for you Zari.. and not for my selfish reasons..  but because you are my friend..”

 

He turns from the easel and heads to his room.. as he heads toward the bed something catches his eye.. He pauses and quickly turns, rapier in hand at the speed of thought. All he sees is an elf with long blond hair starring back at him.. His reflection. Shaking his head he walks toward the mirror and stares at his reflection. “No more lies.. no more running.. no more masks.. Zari deserves to know the truth no matter how bad it is.” He turns from his reflection..

 

Because that is what a friend would do..

[Tobias]

Letter to a friend

 

Stealthily, Tobias exits the tent where a young elf maiden rests quietly. He stretches and rolls his neck then surveys the majestic design of Stone.. “Maybe she is right.. Something this beautiful cannot just happen.” He says in a whisper. Tobias takes quick glance back to the tent as he walks over to stoke the fire back to life. He sits next to the fire and reaches over for his bag, pulling out a quill and a roll of parchment.  Tobias mutters quietly and reaches back into his bag grabbing a vial. Uncorking the vial he sets it aside after dipping his quill tip in.  Swiftly, he starts to scribble on the parchment.

 

 

Hi Friend,

 

           It’s been a long time since we last talk and I wouldn’t be sore or anything if you don’t remember me. I’ve never been good a friendships anyway since most of the time I was looking for a gain out of the “friendship”. I guess now though, things are different. Now, I not looking for gain or a perk. This time I want to help our other friend because she is important to me. I’ve always thought you and the others just didn’t care about us or that we are some play things you could harass when you got bored. I want you to prove me wrong, I need to be wrong as I can’t do this alone. She needs us, friend..

 

I’ve done many wrongs by her and I’m trying to make amends. I just don’t know how to separate the lies from the truths. She can’t believe anything I say because every promise I made to her I’ve broken and in doing so I think I’ve broken our friend. You need to know that I never, NEVER wanted this. If I could take it back, I would.. If knowing that her never meeting me would help her heal, then I would pray you take me back to before we met. I know that will never happen, so I have another proposal. I need you to meet me halfway, she needs us.. I will do my part, I will be there for her and show her that I’m not leaving her or that I’m only seeking her for something other than friendship.. it’s what I should’ve done the first time but, I made a game of it trying to steal her away from Gel and then Nym.. I was foolish. It was my never my right  to try and steal her heart.. I should have being trying to earn it by my actions and by truths. I did the opposite I lied and I

 

I need you to meet me halfway, she needs us.. but, sometimes it feels like I am the only one that cares that she is broken and it fills me with so much anger and rage that you guys just sit up there and do nothing for your faithful! People you count on for your power and you treat them like ants in a jar!  You and the others have just disappointed me so much that my faith in any of you has shattered. But, I am willing to learn to have faith again if you will help her.. 

 

If you helped you could renew one followers faith and gain a new one.. It's a double win here.. 

 

Friend, I love her..

 

Tobias rolls up the parchment and holds one end over the flame. When it is more the half way on fire he drops it in whispering.. "I hope to hear from you soon." He looks up at the night sky and all the constellations before he stands up and returns to the tent. 

 

[Tobias]

  Marriage!? I'm married! Tobias thinks to himself as he sits at the bar with a half finished bottle of juice. He feels the occasion calls for probably something a stronger but, he made a promise and he is going to hold to his end of the bargain. He grins and shakes his head. That girl is going to make an honest elf out of you yet, Toby..  He grabs the bottle of juice and pours a little more in the glass and occasionally takes a couple of sips.

 

  Never in his 330 years , give or take, did he ever think he be married or alive for that matter.. par for the course in his line of work but, still he has made it this far. And MARRIED!? He eyes the liquor cabinet and his leg shakes.  Why am I so scared of this? She's the one, always will be the one. Heh she makes me want to be a better elf, she makes me actually believe that the gods are not cruel and are playing with us like puppets. Tobias takes another sip of his juice wishing that it had a little more burn in his throat. Love is not what scared him, it was the responsibility of being in love.. His charge is to make her happy and be there for her through better or worse, for thick or thin.

 

  For better or worse..  He tells himself. He knows she makes him better. He actually feels home when she is around. She has given so much to him but, what has he given her? Sure , they have had a lot of fun and now that Raz is back Tobias is sure there will be even more fun. But still what has he done for her?  You've been a friend.. you've listened to her and made her laugh.. These things can't be ignored or you could just ask?. Tobias pushes the thought aside for the time being. Just stop worrying about it you idiot and just be happy! He smiles to himself.. "I am happy.. the happiest I've been in a long while." He raises his glass of juice in a toast. "To my Sunshine. may she always cast her light on me." said Tobias as he drains the class and deftly flips it over in his hand before placing it on the bar.

 

  He stands and makes his way upstairs.. "I have a wife!? I'm married?! The gods must be laughing.. well all but one.. She might just might be smiling.."

[Tobias]

Death Masks

 

 

Dying is easy.. Reviving and looking at the eyes of someone you love is hard. 

 

There is this relief in their eyes that you were able to be called back but, you can still see the tears they shed for you on their face.... and that hurts. There are unspoken words in those tears.. Anger.. Fear.. Sadness..Disappointment. Each strike deep at me as I never wanted to cause those emotions in people especially the ones I care for. Still it happens.. All I can do is shut down and hide behind a mask when all I want to do is to be held and comforted. 

 

I died because of a vision of shades hammering down on me like a rogue wave, washing me down into the abyss.. I didn't have time to scream and no one was around to call for aid.. Alone, without hope..no chance of redemption.. It was just a nightmare but, it felt so real that my heart stopped. 

 

I have had dreams and thoughts like this many times.. I have stayed up thinking.. what if the gods do not award their faithful? What comes after we close our eyes for the last time? Is it just over? Darkness.. endless darkness.. and that scares me.. scares me so bad I start to hyperventilate and jump out of bed and start pacing trying to think other thoughts.

 

I so badly want there to be something after this life. I want to be able to see my sister and other family members again.. To see all my old friends that have passed on after me and wait for the ones that I left behind. 

 

I need to take a leap of faith and trust that Ilsare will catch me and award me in the end. 

 

Like I said, dying is easy.. What comes next, only the ones that have passed know and they are keeping their secrets. 

[Tobias]

Broken Masks

 I have broken a dream, a promise and myself..

I write this journal to try to vent my anger, frustration, remorse and pain.. I just have no words to express what I feel.. It just hurts. Gods it hurts. I got what I wanted but, I fear the price was to high. I have killed another's dream, lied to the only person I can say I truly loved and it has left me broken. I don't know how I could ever look into her eyes. She thinks I'm the hero that saved her. But, the one she now hates should be the one that should be standing where I am. He is her hero. He deserves her love. 

He never asked me for anything up until that day. There was a pleading in his words and in his eyes but, I made a promise to her that at the time I told myself I couldn't break.. "One little lie... She needs this.." Those were his words. If i listened to him, I would be assured never to be "second best". I just couldn't.. at the time.. I love her but, to take that choice away from her I felt I would be taken away her freedom.  I told him just earlier that week if he choose to turn from his path I would help him but, if I aided him to go through with his plan now, I would damn him to remain on that road.  His eyes changed when I stood firm to my promise. They became cold and shifted sided to side frantically searching for another way since his only hope refused him. Then he drew a blade and lunged for her chest. Time stopped. He knew I would react, that I would try and save her. I drew the closest thing to me, my dagger,  and shot off like lightning like my life, Zari's life depended on it. Sheer luck saved him a killing blow as he was maneuvering for his strike. My blade deflected off his armor with a flash of sparks. It was enough to halt his approach to Zari. He tried to actually kill her to give her closure, so she could move on.. But I would be damned if I let him harm her or damn himself further.  I fought for her and him.. I wanted to save both of them.  His years around his kin and other ilk had taught him how to berate  and goad me. And I fell for it hook, line and sinker. White blinding rage took me and I struck fast and hard. I did not stop until he lay on the ground.  

Each of the cuts I gave him broke me, bit by bit. Each strike was tearing away his dream, his fantasy of shedding his skin.  As he laid there dying, his words struggled to leave his lips.. "Please.. Toby... wish you help me with one little lie.. Not for nothing.. Please Tobias.." Words I will never forget. Words that will haunt me. He wanted to cut ties with her cleanly.. Wanted her to hate him.. and in his desperation, he turned to me and I couldn't help him. My morals, ethics got in the way. He wanted this for her. Shouldn't I want the same thing? Damn my soul.. He was right. For him I would lie.. I would do it for the greater good. I would do it for Zari. No matter how much it ripped at my soul. I would do it for a friend. 

So I lied. Part of me was shocked how easily it came.. Like an artist painting a masterpiece. A splash of truth and  a lie to add texture. She wanted to hate him. Needed me to say the right things. I gave her what she wanted. What I wanted. I would no longer be the second choice. No longer would be in my way of happiness. Even if it was a false happiness built on a lie, it was mine. I fought hard to earn her trust and her love. I had always felt I was in his shadow, that her heart was not wholly mine. I needed it to be so. So much so I was willing to deceive her. Paint myself as the hero that saved her and him, the villain he wanted to be.  Still I cannot bear to look into her golden eyes. She knows something is wrong but is scared to ask the question. I'm sure she thinks it has something to do with her.. She'll never be more wrong. This is the my doing.. my weight to bare. I deserve this pain. Her hate. 

May it take my soul to the darkest of hell's pits. 

What if I told her? Would she hate me? Would it re-spark her love of the dark elf? Would I be her second choice or worse, no choice at all? Do I even deserve to be in her life, worthy of her love?  I know I must tell her.. It has been  weeks yet still the nightmares come at night. I cannot escape them. The only escape is the whiskey.. It dulls the pain.. allows me a little respite until the buzz wears off.  

"I'm so glad you will not lie to me, like he did.." Words sharper than any sword.

 Ilsare's sick way of  punishing me for all crushed dreams and broken hearts..

Tobias sets down the quill and folds up the letter, sticking in his vest pocket. He stands and moves toward the mirror and there he stares at it. "What are you, Toby? Why can't you just be happy?" He leans over to the dresser drawers and hopens it and pulls out a bottle of whiskey and tilts it up to his lip, enjoying the burn. He sighs heavily and corks the bottle then tosses it back into the drawer before retuning at staring at his reflection.  He turns quickly as he hear Zari calling him.. "What's that, Sunhine?" he calls out with slurred words.

"C'mon Sailor! Take a girl dancing already!" 

He stares at the mirror and practices his smile before heading downstairs.