My book-A.F.

[scifibarbie]

I finally got to travel with dad and miss serissa on a trip into the mountains. Well..it was the rift actually. O.o

I had never been in there, and dad has always been reluctant to let me tag along with him when he went to such places. This time though, he said i could come. I just had to do exactly what he said and to be very careful! During our trip, he and miss serissa even helped me with my elven..mostly battle commands and stuff. Still, I didnt completely butcher everything i said and miss serissa even said my pronunciation was gettiing a bit better (although i still had too much of a dwarfen accent for her taste). O.o

Thats me, miss careful nad follow instructions! I actually did too. I even helped bring down a few nasty dark elfs and giants who ambushed us!

After we made our way back dad said i did really well and he was proud of me. I was starting to become a pretty good fighter.

I think Ive gotten my wish. I have been wanting to spend alot more time with dad. It makes me fell good that he is starting to think that I am becoming able ot take care of myself and he doesnt have to worry so much about me when im out and about. Well..not too much anyways.

We even spent some nice quality time together talking about the future, about his getting married to miss talia, my wedding to bear, my hopes to try and help rebuild the spellsword school someday. I like to think he was proud of me on the one hand for wanting to try and resurrect a school for spellswords, but on the other, i think he fears I may just leave the bashers off to the side. I know he had hoped I might one day take a more active role in the guild.

I told him if i ever was able to restart the school..I wanted him to help. that he had so much to offer it. He kind of made light of my desire for him to be apart of it, but thats just him I think. I sincerely hope that when the time comes, if it ever does, that he would be apart of it.

I also hope he realizes, that I always want to be a part of the orc bashers too. They are my family, I grew up there, I could never imagine my life without them. I mean, whose gonna sneak away with miss tegans pies and who is kurgin gonna yell at when i screwup his filing system. :\\

I think I could be like dad, hes knight captain of the wyrm with all those responsibilities after all and yet he also focuses on the orc bashers too. I think i could do the same. I know it will be hard...but most things that are worth anything are.

[scifibarbie]

I havent written in here in awhile...I just havent had the heart.

I have been feeling angry and depressed and sad and frustrated all at once.

I feel I have been robbed unjustly. How can one call him the lifebringer, protector and preserver of life. I feel they are all lies and deceits. If hes the one that allows the races to bear kids...then hes nothing but a lie.

I cannot have children. Father wont have and grand kids, and bear wont have any sons or daughters. All because I have elfen and human blood running thru my veins. >:/

I feel like im not good enough now, that maybe theres something wrong with me. Bear says he still loves me, that dad told him when he asked for permission to marry me. O.o

Why I was never told...I dont know. I suppose dad was trying to protect me, and over time just forgot about it. I doubt anyone in the village ever had an inkling of what had happened. There werent any aeridinties there that i remember.

Uncle Eggy stopped by the shop, I feel bad for him. I lashed out at him because i knew he was an aeridinite, and also because he tried to defend that ...that...i cant even begin to think of what i should call that so called god now. >:/  

He tried to tell me story similar to what Sil told me, about some big fight years ago between corath and aeridins avatars. That afterwards things changed and we mixed bloods got the short end of it. The way i feel right now..its like corath and aeridin decided to become best buds.

I dont pretend to be religious type...I never have been. I just know the calling of my heart. And now to be robbed..to not even have a decent excuse.

I tried to rationalize it, I tried to find out if it was true, the stupid clerics just smiled at me mumbled something about a domain change and shooshed me out of the temple. Every where i went the same thing. Like its some big conspiracy..I finally got fed up at their condesending attitudes and kicked the last one right where it counts. See if aeridin blesses him with kids. Jerk..I hope he walks with a limp for the rest of his life! >:/

Eggy says I should talk to miss hanna, shes aan aeridinite. No..I wont do that..I like miss hanna to much. Besides..I doubt she knows much of it aside from the claptrap the temple seems to be feeding everyone.

[scifibarbie]

Ive startedt o come ot he conclusion that I may never have children now. Acceptance, is what...the last stage before death they say. I feel that way sometimes.

Im slowly coming to terms with it I guess. I still feel alot of anger, and frustration. Every time I see bear, or wander past the farms near Hempy and I see those happy families...It just...it just still burns. >:/

Im kinda glad I havent seen Miss Hanna, after how I went off on uncle Eggy, Id be afraid of doing the same to her. :\\

I guess Im just trying to deal with it on my own, coping as best as I can. I think dad and miss serissa have noticed it lately. But they wont say anythng unless i bring it up Im sure. Dads had along time to deal with it, Im not sure how he feels, but Im sure hes holding up. Hes always been pretty strong.

I think maybe I will try the temple one last time. I want an answer and I think I deserve one. The temple at Northpoint is prolly my best bet. It seems to be the biggest one. Though, that might make it a bit more difficult to actually talk to someone who has anything of value to tell me. :\\

I guess the only thing I should mention is that the Vakhar have approached me. Mr Wren says I should accept their offer since they are a force of good in the world. I think they may have helped him along time ago..I dunno why, though he obviously holds them in high regard. He said they dont approach people often, and when they do, I should be very honored that they asked me. After talking with Jade Willow, I get the feeling I like the idea of joining, or at least becoming affiliated with them. But for now, my home is the Orc Bashers and I dont plan on leaving anytime soon.

[scifibarbie]

Randi is gone.

She fell in Vanavar after we were overwhelmed by a band of mercenaries on our way to Hampton.

Bear was able to gather her body up and started to head back, when Lance returned from his bindstone.

Lance went mad with grief, and bear was right behind him. I felt so helpless. Randi was my friend and I couldnt save her.

We returned her body to the Kithaerian temple. We watched Lance gently lay her body down before the temple, and cover her with the flag of kithaerian. He lay there crying and screaming out her name.

The priest tried to console him, but in the end Lance just left to grieve in his own way.

Bear and I left shortly afterwards...after saying our goodbyes to Randi, our beloved friend and sister.

We spent the night in Haven just talking about Randi, how we met her, our adventures together and our future.

I am going to miss Randi so much.

[scifibarbie]

I had dinner with Uncle Eggy the other day. It was pretty uneventful except for when he decided to order the lamb with potatoes and the cook came out saying they were all out.

Well, uncle eggy was a bit put out, and even sadder when he decided to just have the 'special'. If he only knew what was in it...actually..on second thought..I ont want ot know whats in it! O.o  

He is still trying ot explain to me about the aeridin stuff...I know he means well, but it jsutmakes me so much more frustrated. He doesnt fully understand it either, and I kno whe jsut wants me to have faith. BUt damnit..I was the one robbed, and I want a decent answer, not just hte company line. >:/

In other news, Mr omer was able to figure out how to get the pages to reveal their secrets. Well, at least for a second or two! He said it was hard going, but the journal of shayne moltav definitely had somethin to say. He asked me if I would take him to meet Aleida Tenner, hoping she might have some clue or something on how to get the pages to reveal their secrets a little easier.

Ive also been asked if I was interested in helping ot start a college. With my part focusing on spellswording. they said the school would be a well rounded university but te emphasis would be on martial teachings and magic I guess.

Im not sure im ready to be ateacher yet, i have so much to do on my own yet..but still..its very intriguing.

[scifibarbie]

//OOC: theres some pretty graphic ideas and language in this particular post so read at your own peril.

*tears stain the following entry and the ink is smeared randomly and its obvious that there was much anger and frustration in the writing of this...

I finally got some answers. At least this priest was up front about it all and said I might not like what i hear.

He said im a corruption...that my very presence promotes chaos. He said that aeridin never had any real control over what races can and cant have kids until recently. And in his 'infinite' wisdom..decides that anyone of mixed blood is worthless and does nothing more than sow chaos with their impurities.

So now..now after thousands of years...he finally decides to act on his hate. And who pays for it...me. Me and anyone who isnt deemed pureblood enough. He finally decides to make anyone he deems impure...barren. His grand plan to wipe all us from the face of the world and our so-called corruption.  >:/

Thats bloody ironic..considering that anyone i ever heard of who brought any major chaos into this world was a 'pure race'. But no...we are the scapegoats. An easy target for him. >:/

Not part of the natural cycle of things...I think after a few thousand years we have become a part of the cycle. Nature changes and adapts and I think he so full of it. >:/  

Hes worse than any corathite i ever heard of...At least they are up front with their hate. He just couches it in pretty words and tries to make us all feel like its part of some greater good. >:/

He hates chaos? Ill give him chaos...Bloody thief and rapist is what he is. I hate him for what hes done to me! He stole from me what is every womans birthright! >:/

[scifibarbie]

It seems my notices have caused quite the stir...

My grief and frustration seems to be turning more and more to anger...Im not sure I like whats happening to me. But even though that cleric was straight forward..his words just cut me so deep.

I am not a corruption, what my dad and momma had was no corruption. They loved each other. I am not an abomination!

I only meant to put the one notice up...to let out my anger and grief nad frustrations...and to let others know why we are barren, or cant have children. Then all those people  started asking me all those questions..demanding if it was the truth or not..I told them to go talk to the clerics in charge..they knew the truth. It was more than just due to 'a re-shifting of domains'.

Im glad i broke their dirty little secret and I hope it brings him nothing but trouble..it seems we are gonna be out of his hair soon enough it seems. >:/

As I slowly make my way to Haft Lake, word seems to have spread ahead of me...One town I passed thru there was a small gathering waiting for me. O.o

There were quite a few half-elves there. Or like me, barely even 1/4 mixed or less...They asked me all sorts of questions...As i spoke with them, I just got angry again.>:/

The last town....barely even a village...I passed thru and a short way down the road I was jumped by a bunch of brigands. At least..thats what i thought they were, until they said if I was a corruption then i needed to be removed from the world! They wont hurt anybody ever again...>:/

Im afraid I may have started something bigger than just bringing the truth out to those like me...I never meant for this to happen. I was just so angry and upset. I only hope it was isolated, and they really just wanted my purse...


Im gonna go thru the forest from now on... I need to clear my head. Maybe Ill find some peace there.

[scifibarbie]

I had to enter one of the larger villages today. I needed to replenish a few supplies.

I stayed hidden and made sure my hair was tucked well underneath my hood so no one might recognize me. I just needed to get in and get out.

As I entered, I noticed something I had not seen before. It seems my words have gotten even further than I had deemed possible. O.o

I heard tales of couples demanding to speak to his clergy. There is much talk, and disagreement over the words his followers are giving. Unrest in the shrines of aeridin...good. :p

Unfortunately I have heard other tales of mixed bloods being attacked under the thin veil of 'needing to cleanse the corruption'. >:/

I had hoped those few I turned to ash were just mouthing my words as an excuse to rob me. Now...Im not so sure.

I sent letters home, and to master Jin. I just hope dad isnt worrying to much about me, and that master Jin finds me soon. I really feel i need his counsel. :\\

For now, I need something to focus on. The Longstrider asks that we guard the forests and protect those within it from harm. It feels like its been to long since i did just that. I think I will start to patrol quietly and make sure no one is harmed under the thin veil of 'cleansing the corruptions'.

If I find some...their ashes will replenish the soil of the forest. >:/

[scifibarbie]

Ive been wandering the wood for awhile. I miss my bear. But how can I face him knowing what i know now. That im a corruption, an abomination to the natural cycle of life. >:/

I know in my heart that Im not. That im the product of the love of momma and dad. And no god can say that my existence is corruption. An abberation to teh the natural order of things.

Ive fought a few bandits, saved a family from a couple of giants who ambushed them. Still, doing all this good...it still feels hollow and empty.

Who am I?

[scifibarbie]

I found a small den with a fox and her cubs. It was so beautiful watching the mother take care of her pups.

I tried to be quiet and not disturb them, but after awhile I realized I was crying. I just had to move away so as not to disturb her den.

As I sat under a tree a little ways off, but still close enough to watch..I must have dozed off.

I just remember waking with a start, and seeing 2 of the fox cubs playing with each other near me. I just smiled and watched as the 2 brothers tussled and became this big ball of golden fur.

After awhile the momma came out of her den with her other little ones behind her. Soon all the pups were rolling around! It was so much fun to watch.

The momma came and sat down next to me. I gave her some meat I had in my pack and we just sat there and enjoyed watching her cubs play.

A little while later the momma led her cubs back into the den to rest. I left a little more meat outside the den for the mother and her brood.

It was a good day.

[scifibarbie]

I was following a deer trail in the forest today. I noticed that there was some fresh tracks..human tracks. There were only 2 or 3 of them, but i figured I would follow them and see where they led. :p

After awhile, I came upon the men. They had come out upon a small road I had crossed a few days ago. At first as i tracked them I figured they were hunters, so I just followed so I could see what they were up to.

As I watched them on the road from the bushes. I saw they had ambushed a couple of travelers on the road. The bandits were demanding any valuables the travelers had, as bandits often do. :p

The shorter of the 2 travelers pleaded with the bandits to just take what coin they had and let them pass by. It wasnt until one of the bandits noticed the shiny amulet around his neck that things got complicated.

All of a sudden the taller of the travelers pulled out a short sword and seemed to be standing up to the bandits. They promptly hit him and knocked him silly. The other one that was with him tried to help his friend but the bandits set upon him also. The bandits started to beat the two travelers senseless.

I promptly jumped out and attacked the bandits. I killed one and severely wounded another. It was then that the other one was backing off and getting ready to run when the priest had to open his big mouth. O.o

I was about to handle the other one, to either chase him down or let him run when the short guy had to mention 'him'. "Oh thank 'him' that you arrived." Blah blah blah...then he asked me not just not hurt the other one, that it was doubtful he would harass anyone else.

I just turned stopped...looked at the bandit, looked at the bandit starting to get up and then looked at the aeridinite...I just went cold and I think he saw that.

I just said something about, 'a corruption shouldnt disrupt aeridins natural cycle. I hope your strong.' And walked into the woods.

A few moments later I heard a scream, the sounds of a beating...then silence.

Im not sure what happened. I just lost it...after all this time...how dare that priest say thank you to 'him' for my arrival. Everything just flashed before my eyes...my anger and frustration...>:/

I dont know if those bandits killed the aeridinite, or beat him senseless...I never went back. I couldnt go back.

There was a time when I would have escorted them to a village and not even care who they followed. It never mattered to me...but this time...it felt so personal, it was a way for me to lash out at that those that thought i wasnt part of the natural cycle of things.

[scifibarbie]

I think I need to get back to civilization. I need to talk to Mr JIn and be with my friends again.

Being alone ion the woods has always been good for me in the past. It helped me clear my thoughts, find myself, give myself focus when I felt I was lost.

But for some reason. It just hasnt done that for me yet. I find myself sinking into dark thoughts about who I am, what has happened to me. What Im allowing myself to become. And im not sure I like it.

After that incident on the road. Im not sure I can deal with myself by myself anymore. :\\

Besides, Im really missing my friends right now. I havent seen Hunty in forever and I think I could use a friend like her right now.

[scifibarbie]

I saw dad today. I walked in the hall and there he was. We both kind of stopped and stared at each and then we just hugged and held each other.

After that we talked for awhile. It was hard, I hate talking about it right now. He told me that the cleric was probably a man with an agenda and that he I should look to other members of the clergy to be sure that he wasnt just twisting the words. Never take just one persons word on such matters. :rolleyes:

I was really upset...I had told him the whole story of my travel to norhtpoint and the other groves. I either didnt get an answer, or I got that one horrific answer.

I got angry ...like i always seem to do lately when it comes up. It made our meeting bittersweet. :\\

He also gave me some other news...and it wasnt good. And its all my fault. I guess I am sowing all sorts fo chaos.

[scifibarbie]

I went back to Dregar. I just needed more air.

I met up with Mr JIn. I am so glad...I had been hoping to find him and talk to him. He has always been a source of comfort to me and he seems to understand me. As much as anyone can i guess.

I told him my story...He listened. He then told me three stories that he thinks are all related to my problem.

The first story he told me was of Leidanos. How he was the healer of and priest of aeridin on belinara in a hidden temple. That was when Xandrial ruled the land there. He told me a story about how he took in a young human woman and her daughter. The daughter was a half elf..part drow, part human. The result of a dark elf raiding party. He told me how she was sheltered in various temples of aeridin and how they cared for her and her young child. He said that at the time, it was aeridins view that all life was precious.
He said he found it hard that a preist of aeridin would call me a corruption or aberration. But much has changed since he was a priest of the aeridin and much has happened in that time.

The second story was the fight between teh avatars of aeridin and corath. He told me what he knew of the fight, and i told him what i had learned. In the end, he thinks that fight between the two was possibly over the control of domains of influence possibly. Since after the fight aeridin lost the domain of the elements, though he retained his other domains of life, the sun and the natural cycle.

The third story was about how a priest of aeridin came into contact with the poison and was changed into some sort of half dragon monster. In the end they had to kill the monster. Perhaps it was aeridins desire to keep such creatures from coming into existence.

On one hand that does sortof makes sense to me, but then as i think about it...its just stupid. A creature like that had to be made from a manipulation of magic, not naturally created and born into the world. The priest was perfectly normal until he got the poison splashed onto himself.

In the end we talked long into the night. I told him all i had done. How I was feeling. He said that there was much to think on and that he would take a trip to the temple to find out what was going on. He also said that my feelings over what was going on is a good sign, that I am not so lost as i think I am. :\\  

It felt good to talk to Mr Jin. Though I still feel so upset and angry. I feel abit more calm about things. I just hope maybe he finds something that can help. Though im not holding my breath.

[scifibarbie]

Stupid ignorant mean...I nearly killed her...she has no idea how close she came. >:/

She shot her mouth off and it was like a knife piercing my gut and being twisted round and round. I wanted to lash out with all of my power...to shut her hateful words. I still imagine it..what i would have done to her. What i could have done to her.

I was able to master myself though, barely. I just walked away. I think bear saw what was about to happen. I felt the energy surge thru my body as I pictured her lying on the ground, burnt to ash.

Lucky for her too..the giants picked that moment to ambush us. I was able to let my fury out on those stupid lumbering beasts. After we were done, there were at least 2 who were just smoking piles of meat.

You would think at this point in our friendship I would be used to Ellis spouting off. I know she tends to speak before she thinks. Always trying to get a rise out of everyone around her. Trying to keep a distance between her and everyone around her. :rolleyes:

Later, she started spouting her mouth off again. I felt the energy crackle between my fingers as I was about to lash out at her and finally shut her up. Saying why dont bear and i go have our own cubs knowing full well I was robbed of that joy. And she was just rubbing it in. I yelled at her, saying how dare she when she knows good and well that I cant. :mad:

It was then that i realized she had no idea...she just looked at me kinda dumbfounded. Finally at a loss for words for once in her life i think.  After a moment her tongue returned to her mouth and Im not sure what she said...but it struck me completely off balance..mostly because Im not sure if she meant it or not. I just stopped in my tracks. :\\

After a moment though, I headed off. I just needed some space. Bear and I didnt talk until we got to Hurm. We spoke a little of what happened on the boat ride back to Hempstead. We spent the night in the forest and at least our trip ended on a good note.

[scifibarbie]

I traveled the thunderpeaks the other day with bear and mr wren. The yetis and snowbeasts were nasty but we eventually found our way to the top of the ridge.

The snow was blinding, but the air was crisp and cold. We met Master Gravas and his friend goldy. They were out to thin the ranks of the giant king I guess.

Master Gravas kindly let us join their trip and he took us to the outer entrance to the mines of the ancient dwarf stronghold of the Losthammer clan. To say it it took my breath away is an understatement!

It was a great trip. Scary, exhilarating, beautiful...I cant wait to visit there again. Bear fought hard and held his own with the others. I was really proud of him.

After we made our way back to the crossroads, Master Gravas told us the story of the Losthammer clan. At least as far as he knew it. He told us how he witnessed the spirit of the ancient king of the Losthammers battling some ancient evil spirits. He talked about the ancient alliance between the elves that lived there and the dwarfs and the defeat of the dwarfs by the giant king.

I guess i know why dad likes to go there so often now. :p

[scifibarbie]

Time goes on, and every day i feel like I am starting to deal with being barren a little bit better.

I still feel cold inside, but when i see my bear i at least feel that warm spark taht makes life bearable.

At least until someone reminds me of waht i have lost and decides to couch it in words, like 'dont blame the gods, they are meant to guide us, to let us choose our own paths without interference'. That just blew my cork so to speak. How can he say thet..the idiot. When i got from the high priests own mouth that it was due to the direct action of that so called god that i am now barren. And for no other reason than the fact that i have a bit of elf blood in me! >:/

I jsut got so mad. What started out as a nice trip with some friends into Krashin, ended up badly. I was so angry, i jsut felt the need tolash out at something. I slaughtered the goblins in front of me, lashed out at a friend when i shouldnt have, and in the end fell because i was so hot.

I feel horrible that i let bear down..and becasue of my actions he met the soulmother again. But as for the rest, especially that idiot paladin...I could care less. O.o

[scifibarbie]

Miss Drexia and I have finally started to form our little clandestine group. We had our first meeting hte other day to begin formulating our plans to scout out milaras realm.

Not everyone we invited showed up, but we decided to move ahead with our plans anyway and will fill them ion when the time comes.

For now, we have our plan, our objectives and our initial path into his territory. I hope this works out. O.o

Now to contact a few names we decided should aid our cause. I think I will contact miss drexia and see about doing some scouting along a couple of our routes to see how things are currently. Most of our information is only a few months old. Still, things can change quickly enough in that amount of time and its best to be prepared.

The Falcons are about to take flight.

[scifibarbie]

So much is happening right now. Friends are gathering, plans are coming together.

It seems strange that after I talked to omer about a few things ive been wanting to do, thinking about doing. To visit my mommas family on voltrex one day. To maybe take up the mantle of her families heritage. Demon hunters...that my fate draws me towards them. We talked awhile about it, and he said said i needed to rebouble my efforts to learn elven (which i have been neglecting of late) and the subtleties of how i may need to conduct myself if i ever meet them. :\\

I traveled a few weeks back with some companions and we traveled the outer reaches of the deep. It was there that I fought my first demons. Mr Abiorn called them hook horrors. A lesser demon or devil or whatever they are. As the weave coursed thru my hands into my blade I could feel the call. My sword slid thru their flesh like a hot knife thru butter. I slew two and my companions got the others. I collected my first teeth (mr omers idea- collect trophies of my kills to show my sincerity). :p

Today I traveled with sarah, trith, izzy and 2 others into the dragon isles. I love the forests there. It makes me feel alive and calm to be in that great expanse. Later, we entered a cave to gather some aventurine for one of our companions. It was then that we were set upon by minotaurs. For some reason an icy chill came over me as i fought them. After the fight, i went around and finished off those few that hadnt been killed, but lay wounded on the ground. I didnt care as i slit their throats, stabbed them in the heart and heads to finish them off. I told myself later that it was merely to make sure they didnt somehow get healed and raise the alarm to our presence. >:/

Sarah noticed my actions too. We talked later, and she seemed concerned that i was acting reckless. Not even reckless so much as I seemed a bit ruthless. Though they were our enemies at the time, my actions seemed a bit extreme, especially the callous way i seemed to dispatch them. I couldnt deny any of it. I told her all I had been feeling lately. The empty pit I feel like im falling into.

I couldnt talk much more about it. It was too hard. Instead we changed the subject and talked about her and Izzy. About her father and how she was feeling. I really hope everything works out for her.

*the text abruptly changes. repeating lines of basic elven vocabulary

[scifibarbie]

I went with miss rose and shiffy to his house in haven the other day. Im just now writing this down since i think ive calmed down enough that i can.

We met shiffy in hempstead, and started doing the usual banter about random things. Then rose started asking about shiffs kids, how they were, whats new, etc etc.

It was clear to me that shiffy really wishes he could spend more time with them. Drakie and Tyra. I didnt get to meet Tyra, but i hear she has a pet mongoose that likes to take Drakie's poochy bear. I promised him i would talk to him and ask him to leave the bear alone when i meet him (the mongoose).

Drakie was a really sweet boy who dotes on his father. I dont understand why its so hard for shiff to make it back home more often. When i was growing up, dad made sure to come visit me as often as he could, hes always visitng haven to see the twins. From the way shiffy was talking, I think my dad saw me more often.

We ended up playing monster, shiff was the monster (of course) and i was supposed to play Tyra, and Miss Rose was herself. It was alot of fun. Drakie got a bit excited and tried to pull a sword off the wall..it nearly came off its hinges and mooshed the little guy!

I think Drakie misses his sister. Shes abit older than he is and seems to be at that age where she wants to go do her own thing. I remember that so well!

After the sword incident, shiffy just picked up Drakie and hugged him hard. Drakie was obviously a bit upset. I was such a sweet moment.

At that moment, i had to foght hard to keep my tears in check...I was imagining bear with a son like drakie. the one he can never have with me. The child i could never have. I had to leave...I almost couldnt take it. I made up some excuse to get out of the house then.

I said good bye really quickly, and drakie gave me a hug goodbye.