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Nate's Journal

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Hellblazer:
How to make yourself look like a fool

Assume without verifying.....

I've done it, and yes I've made a fool of myself.

How am I unable to read her correctly I don't know.. am I losing my edge?

Met an other Tiefling, at least his mask is better than that fool Cailomel. We had a good discussion and he mentioned something that really peaked my interest, the dead blades. It is really close to what I was trained for, and might be a good experience and also lucrative while I still wait on orders from my master. He said he would be willing to talk to me about more and might also have a few things he would be able to teach me. I will take him up on his offer. Might bring me closer to my goal and what I am looking to become, show me what I'm lacking yet to be that one who can go where others can't. I know as I write this, that I don't have the emotional and moral dilemma to do what needs to be done to accomplish the goal that is desired, but there's always new things to learn that can help get there and hopefully he will be able to bring me closer to that state.

Hellblazer:
*Nates sits alone at a table in the bull's eyes inn, uncharacteristically drinking ale in public. Two ladies of comfort keeps bugging him as he just sips on his drinks and looks at his journal that is still closed*

Look, I already told you no.. so take your tiny bit rump and move out of my bubble..

*he throws them a few coins so they can finally leave him alone, which just a few months before would have been an entire different story. He then opens his journal and starts writing into it*

Seems I'm still lacking in skills. Even though I feel that I've been able to keep my mind  a bit more when I see them cast on me and I know that it would affect my mind in some way, a lot of the time now it seems that I just shrug it off.. barely, it's as if my mind was about to fail but then a rush clears it free. Not sure really how to describe that, but it's a good thing I'm sure. But still, lately I've fell more than I would care to admit and it's bugging me. Sure I travel a lot with Mangus; Lily, Jeb, Xiao in places that well let's admit, it, are way out of my leagues, but I would have thought that my hard training would pay off more than it has.  I do know it's a lot easier now to flank them and hit them a lot harder where it hurts them most. But I don't know.. maybe I just expected more.

*he takes an other deep swig at the ale*

Expecting more seems to be a recurring theme of mine lately, and even with the talk we had things doesn't seem to have changed. So I guess I just have to accept it is what it is and not assume anything, again. Still, it changed me in a way. Usually I wouldn't have minded the nightly company of those two, they were always a good time, not anymore though. Attachment is a dangerous game, but it's not like I can really just turn it off either. I guess you never really choose who you'll be attracted too. Still I have to just chill and keep it to myself. If those who sought to gain an advantage over me knew what I feel for her, it could be more dangerous for her than for me. Man get a grip! That's not how I was trained! I have to show the same coldness than she does toward me. Although sometimes she throws me off; like today after I had to be risen a second time on our quest, she came to me and whispered that she was so sorry, showing that she cared, which she doesn't usually do. I was so miffed that the guard in Miritrix got the head of the troll straight in his face as I threw it with force. I don't care that it's not his fault. I still went there because of him, so he deserves everything that came with that head; the blood, the broken nose or what ever. And the payout wasn't even worth it. I lost twice the amount of money than that bloke handed me. Maybe I'll go pay him a visit later on, and get what I feel I'm due, I'm sure he'll protests, but I know he will give in when his family are about to bite it because of him.

Still haven't been able to get a talk with Steel about the dread blades. Eager to see what more he has to say about them.

Ah well, time to find an other mark to bleed.

*Takes the last bit of ale in the mug and closes his journal, slipping it a secret place in his bag, and then leaves the inn*

// music that fits his mood at the moment :P

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JjPIOuFtWAI

Hellblazer:
*Nate's sits by the fire in the Leringuard's arms inn library, contemplating the Axiom that was handed to him by Steel, reading each elements over and over and pondering over them*

"Code of the Dread Blade.
A Guide for those who would claim to be mercenaries.

1 - Your livelihood rests on two things; knowledge and reputation. (You need both to be successful.)
2 - Know your enemies. (This requires constant awareness and choice. Sometimes the one that hires you is your enemy. Choose carefully.)
3 - No one is innocent. (Not children, not flowers, not anything.)
4 - Everything dies. (Even rocks)
5 - Do not kill unless you are facing your enemies.
6 - Protect those who are not your enemies. (You won't have work if you don't.)
7 - A child is never your enemy. (children are to be taught, not killed.)
8 - Retreat in the face of defeat is wise, if not noble. (You're in the business to kill, not be killed.)
9 - No job is too small. (Your reputation is on the line.)
10 - Pay comes in many forms, some of which are better than gold. (Learn to offer many types of payment arrangements.)
11 - Mercenaries are killers. (Don't deceive yourself. Your place is among the thieves and murderers. Ultimately you're a life-taker, not a  life-giver.)

Signed,
Cole Norseman."

I've finally been able to meet with Steel again, and we had a good discussion at his Inn. The Dread Blades seems to be what I thought they were, and indeed something that I could see myself working within. We've talked a lot about appearances, reputation and how to promote it and to protect it. About the nature of contracts and that there's no too little or too big contracts. While we've also touch lightly about controlling ones emotions while achieving the end goal of a contract, something he said we would get back to. He did leave me with this question.

Knowledge, why is it paired with reputation?

I have to say that I have some ideas about it, the main one is that knowing the repercussion of what the end result of a contract will bring could affect the way you do the contract so that it doesn't tarnish your  reputation. As an example, if your contract was to assassinate the king of a kingdom, knowing that it could destabilize the entire region, even more so if you actually reside in that region, could jeopardize your standing in such a place. There for making sure that you remain completely incognito in this endeavor would allow you to retain your reputation. But at the same time, having the reputation of having been able to topple a king could potentially bring you more lucrative contracts in the future, so your persona as an assassin must be able to be known. But your persona and your day to day avatar must be kept separate least those that you know could be brought to suffer or even worst turn on you and turn you to those seeking revenge.

I have to think more about this. I'm sure there is more to this than this obvious fact.

What could he mean.. with his question...

Hellblazer:
*Sitting by the fire in Center, Nate's writes in his journal*

I met up with Steel again, and while we completed many merchants job "edict 9, no jobs is too small" it brought us to Vanavar where we spend many hours talking about the axiom and it's meaning. Although it really seemed a lot shorter than hours. It is only after we had parted ways that I noticed how much time had passed.

One thing that I came to understand is that, the choice to accept a contract, of who I choose are my enemies are always mine, and even within a contract the ability to discern and decide on how to accomplish the end goal might not always be what I've been hired for. I still have the choice for the better of for worst, of how I will accomplish things. That notion of choice in accomplishing an assignment is very different than what I was raised and trained to do. We were trained to do exactly what we were told to do, the how to achieve the end goal was ours, but the end goal had to remain the same. While with the Dread Blades I might have the luxury to choose, I don't think I would be able to do so if the Master beckoned, and refusing to accomplish the assignment is basically signing my own death.

For now though, I will keep pondering on that end to see how I could get out of that bind, or maybe I'll just do as always and push through. But first things first, Steel did mention that he would train me in the use of magic, even if it's not about becoming a mage, the ability to use it would still prove useful.

Hellblazer:
*applies some salve on his left over bruise from training, and when done opens his journal to write*

Wow.. that was a major beat down. Not only From Steel, but from Jeb.. and from Belgar?????? Are you kidding me? They were all immune to my attempts to knock down, and Jeb had some awesome gear that even my fine blades, that are made to cut through most everything, would not even scratch his armor. I'm stump. I guess all I can is just train more and more. Which is what I went to do after waking up in Dalanthar from an expedition with Lily, glitch and others to save Johnny and Sehky.  Can't believe she shooed me away, when I told her not to raise me a second time as I did not have a stone, even though Glitch was the one that had raised me the first time. I know she said not to assume anything, but that is very telling. Very telling indeed. 

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