Of Style and Flare

[Alatriel]

Hmmm... the start of a new book for me. I guess now's about the right time anyways... kind of a new chapter in my life... a new book. Thanks mom.

Alright... so... a little about me.

I grew up I guess just like any other regular old non-noble elf on Voltrex. My mom and I spent a lot of time on our own. My dad was a merchant. He traveled around a lot. Don't think he was ever very good at it though, else mom wouldn't have had to work as hard as she did to make ends meet. Thank whatever god was responsible... I guess Aeridin, from what I've heard rumors saying... when the sky cleared. Things at least weren't quite as awful anymore. Amazing how much a little sunshine can do for people. My mom always made sure that I got into the schools I needed, and I guess I did just fine. I always had a sort of I guess magicky air to me or something... My mom called it my own special flare. I could make lights if I wanted to. It was pretty nifty, and great for showing off in school. It all sorta started happening about the same time I got my... well as my mom called it my "woman's magic". Yeah.. it's magic alright. Though... not the same sort that was welling up inside me anyways. They always wanted me to read out of books and learn that way, but really, I'm not much of a book person. Pretty boring if you ask me. They'd all spend time reading and studying, but I always preferred just to...well... practice them. Make them happen. Never really needed the books to do that, that's just parchment with pictures and words. If I could call it forth on my own, why would I use a book? I'd rather know a spell came out of me than a book anyways. But... I had to go through the decades of studying, learning the bow, various swords, proper ettiquette, customs and all that jazz. Some of it was alright, but I kept getting pretty distracted by the boys in my classes. Or... was it that I was distracting them? I can't remember now...

Hmm... where was I? Oh yeah... so... I had this really big coming out party to celebrate my adulthood. My mom finally ditched my dad and got a new man. I guess she gave up on my dad and his not being around all the time. I don't blame her. My new stepdad was alright I guess. At least he was around and made decent money so mom didn't have to work anymore. I think she was pretty glad of it. "New Dad" at least paid for the nice party, and towards the end got me into some pretty good schools and stuff. Granted, I wasn't all that good a student. They wanted me to go home and study for hours, but what was the point? When they wanted demonstrations of the little spells and tricks they were teaching I could do them easy... lights, little bit of acid, that sort of thing. Who cares about the specificly intricate ways it is written on a piece of parchment anyhow? Results are the real trick right?

Well... eventually they gave up on me. Told me there was no point in training me in wizard's classes anyways. They said it was because I was a sorceress.... I hope that's why, and not that they just got tired of me goofing off in class. I missed some of those boys in those classes...

So since I kinda sorta got kicked out of those classes I spent more time in my other classes. I could shoot a bow alright, but I could never get used to having to carry the quiver of arrows on my back. The darned things got tangled in my hair. Then I had to spend a whole day brushing it out again. Totally not worth the trouble. They taught us longsword.. rapier... Rapier. Now that's a nice weapon. When I was younger, my dad gave me one. It's great! Lightweight... and really spiffy flashy. I look really cute with it too. Well, as soon as they let me I gave up on the longsword and spent as much time as I could with the rapier. At least with that I didn't need to carry around one of those big heavy ugly shields anyways. Those things completely cover up my figure! That's not fair to everyone else!

So I told New Dad about having all this extra time on my hands and he got a friend of his to train me up a bit better than the school was in wearing different kinds of armors (most of them ugh...) and using a bunch of different kinds of weapons. He said that if I was going to make an "educated decision" on which weapon I liked then I'd need to be trained in all of them. So... day after day year after year, I went off to New Dad's appointed trainer... Actually wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The guy was pretty cute after all. You know... if they could make some of those heavy armors not so heavy and a bit cuter or form fitting they wouldn't be so bad. Mostly though I got frustrated with them because anytime I actually DID try to cast while wearing them they got all in the way and interfered somehow. Seemed like just having that much more weight made it harder. I could fight pretty well, but it kind of made me have to focus on how to fight without using spells. Weird though. As much as I hated having my teachers tell me I had to go home and practice and read and study out of their books, after fighting in armor and feeling like my magic was unusable, I'd go home and practice more on my spells just because it felt so much better to be able to be using them again. I know there were nights where I about dropped I was exhausted from both. But know what? Without someone breathing down my neck on what I should do and when I should do it, I did pretty darn good, you know? And maybe I do still like my rapier best, but at least then New Dad felt better that I knew how to use the other kinds too. (Actually- and don't ever tell him, but I felt better that I knew all the other kinds too... oh yeah, this is my journal, and I'm headed for Mistone... not much chance he'll read this is there?) Now I just need to find a way to get better at both. Who knows... maybe I'll find a way to use them both together? I dunno... I hear there are some other spells that I could use... THEN put on armor...(do they have better looking armor on Mistone?) and then maybe I'll do alright.

Hmm... I think I got off topic again didn't I? Oh yeah. So... after this big party... Oh yeah, I think I had about five guys that night ask me to marry them... but I'm not so sure I'm really the marrying type. I mean... why limit myself right?

Ok ok... I get it, you want to know what I was getting at. Well, my mom sat me down after the party and she told me the actual reason why she dumped my dad. Apparently... he had a whole 'nother life. A whole 'nother family and everything. The creep lied to us. Yeah, he was a merchant, but he actually had another family in another city. My mom found some paper in his luggage one time when he came "home" to us and it was signed in another name. His last name wasn't even actually Silverleaf. Well, maybe it was, but I dunno. For all I know he might've had more than two families even.

So... after that, I got the information from my mom and went off to find out what I could about my dad's other family. Big shock, when I got there he wasn't around, but his wife was. I didn't tell her who I was, but... I think she might've known. They had a picture of their son there. I knew I looked like my dad, but holy cow... She never said anything, but I could see it in her eyes. I think me showing up there simply laid it out there for her to see. She was pregnant too... apparently she hadn't given up on him yet. I guess now's not the time for that anyways. So she said her son left for Mistone a few years back and they don't really hear much about him. She said something about her granddaughter being the cause for it. So... apparently running out on your kids is a family trait. Nice to know.

Well, when I got back home I packed my stuff. All my clothes... of course I couldn't leave without those! My makeup, my hairbrushes... oh yeah, and my rapier my dad gave me. I dunno why I like it still after all he did, but it was a birthday present. I guess he's still my dad. I mean... he was nice and all... I dunno... I don't know if I'm mad at him or not anymore...

Well... I hopped on a boat to Mistone. Probably stupid thing to do. The guy at the docks in Sadinia when I left told me I was crazy to go there since apparently they're getting attacked by dragons. Ok, so maybe I'm crazy. But... I need to see this guy. Maybe his childhood was better than mine. And who knows? Maybe I'll learn something while I go.

I'm gonna put this book down for now though... Some of these sailors are really cute.

[Alatriel]

Well, I've met a few people since I got here.  A really sweet guy named Amgine for one.  He's strong and cute... lots of muscles.  And yet in spite of all that he seemed shy and uncertain.  He bought me some flowers.  He seemed to know how to say the right thing instinctually, but I think he was just so nervous.  I don't know if he's even ever been with a woman before.  I told him I could show him ways that if he wanted he could get any girl he chooses.  Not sure if he believed me or not, but I like him.  I definitely am looking forward to seeing him again.  Hopefully I'll show him that he really is a great guy, and not just on the battlefield.

[Alatriel]

Well it wasn't all that hard to find Razeriem... surprisingly enough.  I asked around for a sparring partner to practice my bladework.  I got two names.  A Miss Ami... and him.  Then I happened to meet him in Hempstead.  I guess his mom was right when she said that's where he went.  He was there alright.  Anyways... I knew it was him the moment I saw his face.  Like looking at Dad... mostly.  Really weird actually.  Well, I knew how I felt when I found out about him, so I didn't think I should just blurt it out to him right there in the middle of town square, you know?  So, I asked him to show me around, which he did.  Kept asking for kisses.  Ugh... it's not fair.  Anyone else I would've loved the attention... but he's my..  well... we have the same dad right?  Ew... Well... we traveled around for a while.  He's really good with the rapier.  I hope he can teach me a trick or two...in swordplay!  Just swordplay!  sheesh...  Wow... it must be bad, I'm scolding myself for reading what I've written... to myself.  Ok... so... anyways, I know I kinda dropped a bomb on him and it wasn't fair.  I mean... it was hard enough for me to find out and I found out in stages over a few months.  Him... no... how about a few minutes, right?  Yeah, so told him about dad, told him about his mom... poor guy.  He looked like he was gonna be sick.  He said he's not sure what he thinks yet.  The way he was looking at me, I think maybe he'd rather think I was lying to him... but... I'm pretty sure I'm not.  Ok, I'm really sure I'm not.  He said something when I told him his mom was gonna have another kid.  Something about some other poor kid to grow up with no parents to love him.  Wow... here I figured Dad was never around because Razeriem was the kid that he really wanted.  And Raz said he figured he was a mistake.  Maybe I'm the lucky one of the two of us after all?  At least my mom cared...

[Alatriel]

Well... Ok, so I found out a few things about Amgine.  One... he's a really great kisser in addition to his other wonderful qualities.  Two... He's decided he wants to maybe settle down someday.  Three... I need to be more careful with him.  

I moved into a room in Leringard at an Inn... kind of a long term stay kind of thing I guess.  Sort of an apartment, except not exactly.  I mean... it's like we're renting a room out of a REALLY large house.  oh yeah... we... me and Raz.  We've got a cute little room with two beds, a couple chests for clothes and other stuff, a table with a couple chairs and a really fuzzy bearskin rug.  Best way to have a bear!  On the floor of your room to be all snuggly fuzzy under your feet.  

oh... wait, I was talking about Amgine right?  Ok... so... anyways, Raz came in to talk to Steel (he's the owner I think) about getting a key so he can get in and stuff, and Amgine apparently has met Raz before and he doesn't know that he's my [strike]brother[/strike] dad's other kid.  Well, I guess he didn't like the idea of me moving in with him.  He started acting all sorts of jealous.  I mean, he said something about "My Zari".  It sorta scared me, ya know?  I mean, after what happened way back when with Eldarian... I don't ever want to see something like that happen again...  Raz said he didn't recall his name being tatooed on me anywhere (like I would EVER let a guy tatoo me!! ICK!) and Amgine said that it was somewhere he couldn't see and winked at me like it was a joke... it wasn't funny...  Well, then he told Raz that if he ever did anything bad to me he'd hurt him, and then Raz said if Amgine did to hurt me... what was it.. unduly? that he'd feed him to a Corathite Dread Priestess.  WHAT!?  I hope he was kidding... but he sure as heck didn't seem like it!  I told them both to calm down and just get along, and then Amgine apologized saying that he was just acting like a big brother... boy did he know how weird that felt given the whole deal with... well you know (of course you know, you're me!)

Well, finally the tension eased... a little.  Raz went to take a bath... Oh my gods!  The Arms has this completely and totally over the top wonderful bathroom that is for any of us to use.  It's fantastic!

oh... that distracted thing again... where was I?  Oh yeah... so... Amgine told me to be careful with Raz because had I seen the way he looked at women?  and I said well yeah, but you've seen the way I look at men, right?  Well... i think he got the picture... sorta... maybe... I hope so?  I dunno...

I think he was really upset about a letter he got back from his sister.  Someone from back home that he knew died... or... got killed or something.  I feel bad.  If I can help him I will, but I've got to know that he isn't going to try to make sure that I'm... his.  I mean I totally love to spend time with him, but I can't do that if he wants something that I can't give him.  I know his type.  He wants a home, a family.  Something stable and happy and wonderful... something I know I could never give him.  If everyone has a perfect match out there someone he deserves to find the one for him.  Someone that appreciates his kindness and his gentleness as well as his strength and humor... and... everything else that he has to offer that I still can't wait to find out.

But I've seen that look before... that "If I can't have you no one will" look...

and I never want to see it again.

[Alatriel]

Well it didn't take long, but Amgine's moved on.  I figured he would.  He just needed a boost I guess... someone to show him how special he was, and off he went to find someone that he could really love.  I guess good for him.  I hope he finds what he wants and never has to settle.  I wish it was the first time this had happened.  I wish... I dunno what I wish.  I'm happy for him, but still sad at the same time, ya know?  I mean, I really did like him.  He was a really sweet guy.  He says we can still be friends so that's good, though I haven't really seen him much since he told me he was moving on to Amireana.  

Oh... and I met Jaelle... the mom of one of Raz's kids.  I didn't know it was her.  She's evil.  Enough said.

One of the weirdest things I've found here on Mistone... people don't seem to take very kindly to people just being nice.  I don't understand why...

[Alatriel]

Well, I have a date for an up and coming dance that Steel says he's putting on at the Arms.  I wish he'd go ahead and finally post up the date though so I can start getting my dress together!  I don't know what it is about a man in armor that just makes me go weak in the knees... especially the reserved ones.  They're just so darn cute!  There's this one... I think it's Toran that he follows... I dunno, he wears blue and silver and he's actually missing an eye, but I think the eyepatch makes him look all mysterious and dashing really... not to mention he's easy to grin at and steal glances when he's sort of looking away and he never notices it.  It's really cute.  Well, that one's named Sammy.  

Oh, I still have to go to dinner with Benny at some point.  I guess we keep missing each other, but we havent' actually done that yet.  He's been a lot nicer to me since Raz yelled at him.  Though... I think that Raz told someone that I was his sister, and apparently she told someone else because Benny blurted it out at one point that we were being siblings, but then he shut up and never said another thing about it, but then Amgine asked me about it.  I hate lying to him, but Raz and I hadn't really talked about the whole thing, and I wanted to make sure he had enough time to really figure things out, not go and force stuff on him.  Besides.. he's not really like... a real sibling... I mean... only half right?  Yeah, so we have the same dad... not like he really ever did a whole lot.  No... I said I wasn't gonna be mad at him anymore.  So I'm not.  I'm not mad at him.  Okay, maybe I am.  When I hear how Raz talks about how he wasn't there with them either, makes me wonder where exactly was he?  I mean... if he wasn't with us, and he wasn't with them... what in the heck was he doing with his time anyways???  

oh wait... I was talking about my date.  So... this OTHER paladin... he wears gold.  His eyes are this really gorgeous amber color, and he's got to be at least a half elf, because his ears are all cute and pointy.  But he's tall and big like a human.  Anyways, Aeronn said he'd go to the dance with me.  He's all sorts of shy and proper, and it's just so cute, especially when he blushes a bit.  He really needs to learn how to only wear the armor for battle... and not for life.  Actually, it seems to be a trend with those armor-wearing fighter-types... but I like the challenge.  And they always are worth it in the end.  Now, granted, if I could get Sammy to realize that sure, I'm cute, and I have a fabulous sense of style, but I'm pretty tough ya know?  I mean, I'm strong, I think sometimes people think that just cuz a girl's wearing a skirt means she can't do anything for herself.  How many times do I have to offer to help people carry stuff and them tell me "No Zari, I wouldn't want to burden you"  Heck!  I dont' have to carry that really huge heavy armor and shield that YOU'RE carrying!  I can carry a few rocks!  Just, please, for the love of all things good and whatever god's day of the week it is... please please please don't make me have to chisel the dang things myself ever EVER again.  I chipped a third of my nails trying to get those fire opals for Green Eyes.  I don't know why he thought I needed to learn how to do it myself.  Bloody waste of time if you ask me.  I prefer the view from behind watching a strong man bent over his work.  Umm... I mean... of course, watching his back so he doesnt' get snuck up on by bad guys.. of course...

hmm... where was I again?

Dunno... oh... well, Raz seems to be a little bit more comfortable.  We seem to have a lot in common.  I think I may have to look for a pink shirt for him though.  I think he'd probably like it.  He's at least given up on trying on my boots.  Well... at least while I'm there anyways.  Made me giggle though when I saw him rummaging through my clothes.  I really need to work on some stuff for him.  There's a decent shop in Mariner's Hold I'll have to bring him to at some point.  They have a lot of "different" type stuff.  Everyone around here always seems to dress SOOOOO boring.  One vendor actually tried to tell me that it was "utilitarian".  Uh... no.  BORING.  B O R I N G.  Why browns and dull greens and blacks and greys all the time when there are so many more beautiful dyes out there to use?!

Well... I guess that's all I have to say now.  I'm sure I left something out, but tomorrow is another day.

Oh yeah... and I hate dying.  And I think I said something bad to Amgine... but I can't for the life of me remember what it was.  I just remember thinking afterward that I should apologize to him, and then I did, and he said that I hurt him when I said he dumped me for Ami, but that since he kinda sorta did, maybe it was justified... well... I dunno, I don't remember saying that.  I do however remember kissing Aeronn... That I'll have to repeat at some point.

Who knows?  Maybe next time he'll actually kiss me back...

[Alatriel]

I don't have a date anymore... he died.  It's really terrible!  I was looking forward to getting to know him better and now I won't get a chance.  And what's even worse, is, there's a masquerade ball coming up now, and I don't have a date for it, and I've opened up this store in the house that Raz bought for us.  Oh yeah, Raz bought a house!  So we're moving to another street in Leringard, still pretty close to the Arms but it's our own house.  Gods does it need work!  But I think we can get it fixed up really well.  Oh and so I decided that the people around here needed some help because all the vendors sell is the absolutely worst designed "utilitarian" clothes, and it's just not right for people to have to wear that sort of stuff all the time.  People really should look their best!  So, I started this shop and now everyone's been coming in lately wanting dresses and suits for the ball.  I actually have been making great sales, and not just for the ball.  Some people just want clothes.  This guy Wren came in, and he bought a few different outfits.  He cleans up really well.  Nice guy.  I wouldn't mind seeing more of him.  I'd ask him to take me to the ball, but I'm kinda nervous now.  Last guy I asked to a dance... well... that didn't turn out so well.  I dunno.  I never had this much trouble finding a date on Voltrex.  Did my hair go flat here with all the rain?

[Alatriel]

Business... is booming.  My love life... not so much.

I've been getting tons of dresses, suits, you name it all for everyone to wear to this huge grand opening of the Tower Academy in Port Hempstead.  

I'm not going.

Raz keeps telling me someone will ask me to go, but I've even asked people.  Nobody's interested.  I'm... I'm not sure this has ever happened to me before.

I don't think I want to write anymore today.

[Alatriel]

I wonder how many people out there give up on love because something bad happened to them?  Probably a lot I guess.  There's so many people that say things like "Oh, there's more to life than love" or "Love's not all that important" or "I'm better off alone"  And you know what?  Those people always seem to be sad or uptight in one form or fashion.  I mean, seriously, who wants to be alone all the time?  It's just not right.  I know I sure don't want to be alone all the time.  I'd end up talking to myself.  It's not all that interesting to talk to myself.  I already know who I am.  I'd rather meet new people and figure out interesting things about them.   I felt pretty bad about myself for a few weeks.  It's been a while since I've found any nice guys to talk to.  Met one recently though.  His name is Ido.  He's got a very um... interesting little pseudo dragon... familiar I think?  Twinkie likes to poke it.  Okay, Twinkie likes to poke a lot of things that she probably shouldn't.  Hopefully the little dragon won't decide to eat her.  But then again, maybe she'd learn her lesson right?  Nah... it's Twink... probably not.  Anyways, Ido's kinda cute.  A little bumbly, a little bit unsure.  It's endearing.  He bought a suit from me to go to the gala.  Raz and I had decided we were both going to stay home and eat pie while everyone went.  So... we did for a while.  Then after we'd finished off three whole pies between the two of us (I'm still not sure how we did that... but we did... really.... 2 apples and a cherry... I thought I was going to be sick...) we decided to go ahead and go on to the Gala after all, and he would be my date since I didn't have one, and Sasha couldn't make it to go with him.  Still not sure how I fit into my dress after all the pie actually... I think I've lost some weight recently.  I've got to find someone I can hire to make some food.  I keep running out.  

Where was I... oh yeah.  So we went to the dance.  It was so great, everyone looked fantastic!  And oh yeah... I designed a lot of the clothes people were wearing!  It was really nice seeing everyone looking their best... and smiling.  I got to dance with Raz and I danced with Ido even since he didn't have a date.  I'm not sure he really knew what he was doing completely but I helped him out a bit and he did just fine.  I wouldn't mind seeing more of him.  He really should have someone special in his life, but I think maybe he's too shy or bumbly or whatever else that it is that keeps him from finding that person.  I kissed him on the cheek once and oh.... that reminds me.  Last time I saw him he was so covered in arrow wounds!  Most of them were pretty well healed, but that boy needs to learn how to dodge!!  I mean seriously!  Most of those probably could've been avoided if he just got out of the way.  I kissed one of them to make it better.  Yeah, I know there's not really any real proof that kisses make things better, but they make people feel good right?  So that's got to help things at least a little.  You'd be surprised what good a kiss or a hug can do.  Sometimes people just need some physical contact I think just so they know someone cares.  Just so that they know that they're not the only person on the planet.  That someone else has been through what they're going through.  You know, that sort of thing.  

It's hard being alone.

Oh... I heard there's someone that moved into the house next to us.  There's been some furniture being moved in lately.  I really need to take him a pie.  You know... to be neighborly.  Granted, I don't bake... and I really don't want to.  I'd see if I could go get one from Steel... but I turned in my key when I moved out.  Honestly I'm not sure my rent was up yet, but I think he wanted to rent the room out to someone else.  Since I didn't need it, there was no point in me staying there anymore.

Oh... and I need to make some sort of dress for this woman I met, Ellis.  Raz said she's an Ilsarian?  I don't know how...  Maybe I don't understand Ilsare or something...  oh well.  Anyways, she bet me 100 Tr that I couldn't hit her with a fireball.  She dodged.  (see?  she's not going to end up with arrows in her!  well... she's an archer...)  anyways... so I tried to pay her but she said she didn't want the true and that I owed her a dress.  I told her I'd give her a discount.  Well... She seems more like a pants wearer type of person, but she wanted a dress...  Sooooooooo..... now I gotta design something... a dress for a pants wearer.  Could be interesting... hopefully it won't be a disaster.  I think she needs something pretty to wear.  Maybe it would cheer her up a bit.

[Alatriel]

The last few days have been really hard.

Amgine came over last week to pick up the matching pajamas he'd ordered for him and Ami.  He tried on his set, and I tried on Ami's so he could see how they worked.  They were a little big on me, but I figured it would give him the idea anyways.  He just kept looking at me.  I'd been working out with Fred before he got there so I figured I'd introduce him.  We talked about baths, he got all uptight and embarrassed again. Said that he still had feelings for me, but that he was committed to Amireana.  I guess I just don't really understand.  If he loves her so much, he shouldn't have feelings for me anymore.  But if I'm not meant to be with him either, how come I still hurt that I can't be with him anymore like we used to be?  I expected him to want to move on.  I didn't expect him to want to move on and stick around too.
I tried to kiss him.  Just as a test really... to see if maybe he really did love Ami, then he wouldn't want to kiss me back.  Mostly...

He backed away from me.  Said he knew when he should back away from a fight when he knew he would lose... or something like that.  I told him that maybe he should leave then because I couldn't be strong enough for the both of us.  I guess I didn't fully realize until then how much I miss him.  So I showed him out.  I told him to be safe.  He told me "I love you too" and left.  I dunno what happened but I guess I just lost it.  It hurt so much.  When someone tells you they love you it's supposed to feel wonderful isn't it?  It's supposed to feel like the world and time stops for just the two of you and that... I dunno... well, it didn't feel like that.  It just felt like a blinding, stabbing pain.  He loves me, but he doesn't want to be with me.  It's like what happened with Jonas and Braedan all over again.  I should know better.  I'm the kind of girl people like to brag about.  The kind of girl people want to have, but not the one they want to be with.  I was supposed to be able to leave all that behind when I came here, and it is following me.  So who is it that doesn't understand what love is?  Is it them, or is it really just me?  When things don't get complicated it's easy to love people without feeling in love.  But when things start getting complicated with me, they don't seem to get better or deeper or more intimate or devoted... they seem to just well... get complicated.  

I know Raz is worried about me.  He has a lot of things that he does to cheer me up, and they work.  I went out to the goblin wastelands.  And of course... I ran into Amgine there.  We didn't really talk much.  And for once, he looked worse off than me.  I heard him say something about him being a twice blessed something or a twice cursed fool.  Whatever that meant.  But then a couple other people came up where we were and Amgine left.  

Raz says he needs to figure out what he wants, and that he can't have it both ways.  I know he's right.  It just doesn't make it any easier.  I haven't seen Lareth since I met him.  I haven't seen Ido in a long time, and... I dunno...  I miss having my friend around to talk to him.  He was the first real friend I made here on Mistone, and I hate that I can't be myself around him anymore.  I miss him.  I miss the way we were.  Maybe I don't even so much miss having him as a lover as I miss having him as my friend, without the restrictions and boundaries.  Without him getting uncomfortable everytime I say something, or wear something, or do something that I would normally do.  Things he used to be embarrassed about but liked.. and now I'm not sure if he likes them or doesn't like them.. or that he's just afraid to like them... and me.  or afraid to love me.  

People shouldn't have to be afraid to love, right?  Part of that is loving  yourself too I think.  But I don't feel like I love myself right now.  And that part hurts more than anything.  

I miss me.

[Alatriel]

I don't think I like the color blue anymore...

I've thrown up so much blue... ugh... way too much blue...

My head is still pounding.  I have no idea how much I drank or even what I drank... but oh my gods... I don't ever want to drink again.  

I don't know why Raz is so doggone cheerful today... and so loud.  I really wish I knew a spell to silence him.  He just keeps singing at the top of his lungs and... oh gods... i think he got breakfast.  I don't think my stomach can handle anything today.

but on top of everything else.. I think I slept.  And I think I had a dream.  At least... what I remember of it.  It was horrible.  If that's how humans dream, I'm not sure they know what they're talking about when they say dreams are good.  Maybe I can write it down some.

Okay, so I was back on Voltrex, and I was dreaming... remembering?  no... it was sorta different from how it really happened.  In the room that I got locked in when Eldarian lost it.  Except instead of being that same room it was sorta different.  kinda like... an inn?  but not really?  and I couldn't get the door open.  I heard him outside the door saying if he couldn't be the one for me then nobody would have me ever.  And I remember... I remember the smoke coming up from under the door again, but that part was more like a memory, but still not in the real room, but the inn room that was different.  But this time I had a rose, and the floor started getting all wet, and I still couldn't breathe from the smoke.  I started screaming for help and I remember coughing... but now it's fuzzy to which part I dreamed and which part was the part I remember.  I know how it really happened, but the dreaming part I think was the part that was different.  But this time instead of my dad running in to save me and busting the door down... it was Raz.  But he looked like my dad, but... it wasn't... I think?  Or maybe it was both of them?  It was like it looked like my dad, but it really wasn't?  or maybe it was the other way around.  Ow... my head hurts.

oh... and I think I need to remember to take the thorns off my roses from now on.  I think that's how my hand got cuts on it.

And after that feel good stuff... and the blue pie... and ugh... yeah, no more even thinking about blue...  maybe I should stick to juice.


oh... yeah... and Amgine made his decision.  But I don't want to talk about that.  But I know he did the right thing.

I think I'm gonna go back to bed now.  Maybe in a week my head won't hurt... or my stomach

or my heart.


*pressed inside the page is a very disheveled red rose*

[Alatriel]

Met someone in Hempstead the other day.  I went there to see if I could remember "romping naked through the fountain with jaelle".  I really don't think I did.  Raz told me he was joking afterwards and that he was just trying to make a point... but he was pretty convincing, so I had to make sure.  Nope... I really don't think I did.  Well I was sitting there and this woman walked up.  Really pretty, had a really nice dress on.  Fantastic use of color really.  I'll have to draw something up with those colors I think and maybe make something not quite the same, but maybe a bit similar... So I was talking to her for a while.  Weird how sometimes talking is easier with a complete stranger than with people who know you.  But we talked for a while, and I started to feel better about the way things happened with Amgine.  I realized that even though my heart hurts, I don't regret it.  Because as long as he's happy that's what matters.  And I do think that over all, even in spite of the hurt at the end, it was a good thing.  And she asked me if I'd do it all over again.  I really do think I would.  Turned out she was a priestess of Ilsare.  I told her I thought Ilsare was pretty neat since she likes love and stuff, but never really could be an archer so she was kinda out of the question for me.  And besides, I'm not sure I could really give up on the other good things about some of the other gods.  Told her that my best friend was a Champion of Aeridin, and apparently Ilsare and Aeridin are good buddies.  That's kinda neat actually.  Funny thing is, I swear I've heard some of this stuff before.  I just never really paid all that much attention.  Well, she invited me to come talk to her in Hlint sometimes and work on tending the garden there.  I'm not much for gardening or getting my hands dirty, but I do like flowers and I had a good time talking to her.  It just I dunno, felt kinda right somehow.  

After talking with her for a while Amgine walked by... and I realized that I really did need to talk to him.  To make things better and sorta find closure so we can both move on better.  It was hard to do, but when I was walking all the way to his house I felt better.  It rained part of the way, but the way the water sparkled on the grass after the rain stopped and the sun came out was really beautiful.  So I sat down and I sketched it a bit.  The more I drew the better I felt and so I kept going.  I started feeling nervous again when I got closer, and when I actually saw him I realized that I haven't really lost him, but I needed to say what I had to say to him or else I might really lose him for real.  So I told him that I was happy for him.  That he made the right decision.  That he was special and that I wouldn't change what we had.  But I told him to save his I love you's for Ami because she deserves them.  He told me that he wouldn't promise not to say that he loved me anymore because he said he still does, just to know that it was as a very dear friend.  I told him I knew that, but the last two times he said it to me it hurt.  So I needed some time to get past that.  I hope he understands.  He still wants me to go with him to meet his family.  I'm not exactly sure why he wants me to, but I asked him if I could take Raz along (I think I'd be stronger with him there) and he said okay.  So I told him I'd think about it.

I think we'll be okay.  I think I'll be okay.  

But something that Ysaline said to me... that I'm not really sure what the answer is.  She asked me what my life's purpose was.  

Do I have one?

[Alatriel]

I have a date with Lareth!  I'm so excited!  He asked me to the Leringard Arms party.  

Now... please, whatever gods are up there and listening... don't let him die before then?

[Alatriel]

Raz is really depressed.  I don't like it when he's sad.  He misses his crazy scary girlfriend, Anne.  He just wanted to help her I guess.  I'm not actually sure how the topic got around to it even anymore, but I told him that he had all the best parts of Dad.  I don't think he believed me.  We talked a bit more about Dad... something we don't do much.  He said he remembered him being around all the time when he was really little, and then not as much, and as he got older, around even less.  Weird thing is... even though I never remember a time when my dad was around all the time, the same thing sort of happened to me too.  I remember when I was really little he would hold my hand through rainstorms when I was scared.  And I remember him going with mom and me to the lake and helping me cross a log because I wanted to cross the creek to pick flowers on the other side.  He used to call me Doodlebug because I always liked drawing so much.  But then he was gone more and more, until I almost never saw him.  If he wasn't with me... and he wasn't with Raz and his mom... where was he?  I dunno... Raz is just still so mad at him.  But even though I know that I missed him, and that he wasn't around for my dance recitals, or my art shows... if all I got was that one time when he did show up, I'll still take it.  He was my hero.  And I got lucky.  Turns out Raz is my hero too.  Thankfully he doesn't have to save my life like that, but I get to have him be my hero for all the little things.  The things my daddy missed.  The things he is still missing.

[Alatriel]

Lareth stayed over the other night.  We went out on a trip together and talked and fought some of the ugly things that are in the Dragon Isles.  He really does have good command over his magic for a wizard.  I asked him if he'd ever been in love.  I probably shouldn't have asked him that.  He said not really because he had been spending so much time studying... but now he wanted to spend more time with me.  I like him.  I like spending time with him.  But if he's never felt what it feels like to be in love... is he going to be just like all the others?  Why do I always get myself into this mess?  We finally got home after our long trip in the Dragon Isles, and when we stood outside my door, I told him he should come inside instead of going next door, so he did.  We kissed and got cleaned up from all that muck and yuck from the journey and we had a nice dinner and were able to talk.  I think I make him nervous sometimes with the things I say.  He gets all bumbly like he can't figure out what he wants to say, or should say, and he's so cute when he blushes because his ears turn bright red... but I could tell he started getting a bit more than nervous... worried maybe?  So I backed off a bit.  He seemed to want to stay over when I invited him to, and I could tell he was really tired after the trip.  I dunno, there's just something about watching a human sleep sometimes.  It's like when I brush his hair out of his face and stuff while he's sleeping... I'm not exactly sure, but I guess they're not aware?  It's so different.  They're so peaceful.  Sometimes it's just nice to have someone there to hold you.  Just hold you, no strings attached, no worries, no cares, just someone to comfort you, to make you feel safe, to feel wanted and cared for.  There's something to it.  Maybe that's something Lareth needed?  Or maybe I just needed to hold someone all night and not have to worry about what it meant for a change?  After what happened with everyone else... I know that Lareth should also move on someday... I'm trying really hard not to think about that part though.  I do wonder though if someone will ever really love me some day.

[Alatriel]

well.... now I know why my dad didn't want to be with me.

He wasn't with Raz much, he wasn't with me much... apparently he had two other kids that I know about now too.  So I guess he wanted to be with them more than he wanted to be with me or Raz.  Zira...  their names are Zak and Zira... nice power letters.  Must've been dad, he was always big on power letters.  Z's and R's especially.  X's good... but really probably kind of hard to work with... I mean if you think about it, you can pretty much same most things that you want to put in and use an x, or you can replace it with a z and it works just as good but looks better?  Maybe?  I dunno, I'm kinda partial to Z's myself.

but... I don't think that's what I was trying to talk about..

oh right... what Zira said.  She said her mom died.  Apparently she found out, probably like my mom did, about how dad had other lives... and it killed her.  Said she died of a broken heart.  I've had a broken heart.  It hurts so bad and I can see how it could kill someone.  Especially if they really really were in love.  Honestly... my heart hurts right now.  Because they had to grow up without their mom.  My mom had to do a lot of things that people just shouldn't have to do to make ends meet.  And my dad... I dunno, I just don't understand how someone who could be such a hero sometimes... could have done what he did to all of us.  And it seems I really don't know much about him at all.  Zak's pretty quiet most of the time, but he's a nice looking fighter type... you know how I like fighters.  Muscles are great!  But how could he possibly be related to me if he uses a big clunky shield and uses a longsword?  Must be from his mom or something... where's the style?  where's the flash and bang?  Now Zira?  She's got some bang.  She toasted skeletons just by... praying I think?  She follows Ilsare just like Ysaline does.  She didn't have a whole lot that they brought with them from Voltrex so I gave her one of my old outfits.  It's weird, ya know?  I don't really have a lot of girlfriends.  Sticks is okay, but she's kinda broody sometimes, and I really only see her when she's bringing Mera over or picking her back up.  I think she and Raz still see each other sometimes, but the Taskmaster apparently hates Raz because of Mera.  Poor thing, nobody should hate anybody because of her.  She's fantastic.  Little Princess Meralae.  I love her so much... especially when she's finally settled down and quiet.  I swear that kid can run a mile a second and sneak behind you before you even know what's happened and she'll be into something and getting into trouble.  

I lost where I was...

oh... so apparently Raz and Zak both agree and want to lock dad up.  Nobody seems to like dad.  Why am I the only one who has reservations?  Should I tell Raz what he did for me?  I dunno if I really want to explain it all to him.  Every time I go over it in my head I just keep coming back to thinking that it's my fault that it all happened in the first place.  And he died because I drove him mad.  Dad saved me, but...

Maybe this is why I hate thinking so much.

I need to go find another couple beds I think.

[Alatriel]

It's amazing sometimes the different types of people there are and how different a seemingly similar experience can be with two different people.  With one person, completely open and carefree and fantastic... and the other deep and emotional, and terrifying and almost oppressive.  Is it that we're supposed to be with one person?  Only ever love one person forever?  Is it supposed to trap you and hold you and keep you forever, or should love be something that sets you free, and makes you feel like there are no limits?  If someone loves someone... shouldn't that person let the other person be themselves?  Or is it in the nature of love to capture a person and posess them?

Ugh... I hate thinking.  It's always a bad idea.  

I've figured something else out about me though.  I'm terrible at drawing landscapes.  It's people that I seem to do the best on.  But I guess that's because even though a landscape is pretty... I still think there is nothing more fantastic than a person's soul, for good or bad... that's what makes us the most beautiful I think.  

I do have a challenge I want to take on though... There's this man I met.  His name is Jon.  He's been really hurt bad by something.  But there's something in his eyes... I want to draw him.  But I don't know if he'd say yes.  He's very shy.  I think people have been mean to him because of how he looks.  

I know how that feels.  It's not good.

[Alatriel]

I need help.

[Alatriel]

Well Raz took it upon himself to help me.  I didn't like it.  He yelled at me and was being really mean, and then he knocked me down and sat on me and told me that he would get up after he reveried.  I hate being held down.  He wouldn't get off of me so I tried fighting him and I almost got away one time, but he pulled me back down and held me down again.  He kept telling me to think instead of panic, so I tried to pull at his hands or claw at him or something to cause him pain to get him to let me go.  Eventually I twisted when he was trying to move me and I got up.  I was so mad at him I hit him in the face.  He said I punched like a paladin... whatever that means.  I was mad, but he told me that if I was ready for help he'd teach me how to get out of different things, if someone grabs me from behind or stuff like that.  And he has.  He makes me go through one different hold every day.  I don't like it, but he says it'll make it so that when somebody ever comes to try to grab me again I'll be able to get away this time.  He even said we'd try working on ways to unbind holding spells.  But we haven't done that yet.  

He made me let him bind my hands last night.  I can't even help how that makes me feel.  He didn't leave the rope on long, just long enough that I had to not scream.  He said it's so I don't panic just at the thought of having my hands tied again.  So I can think.  So I can figure out a way to get out.  But without my hands I can't cast anything.  And it makes me feel like I'm choking.  He said that was just the panic talking, that I wasn't really being choked.  He took the rope off, and I think I passed at least a little bit.  Raz says we're going to have to work on learning to untie it at some point but for right now we have to get rid of the panic first.  That's step one.  

I don't like step one, but I'm really not looking forward to step ten.

[Alatriel]

I hate what I'm having to do.  It's not even so much of exactly WHAT I'm having to do, it's the complete feeling of panic that's the bad part.  My heart starts racing and feels like it jumps into my throat which makes me feel like I"m choking, my chest hurting and I get all dizzy and want to scream.  And then I keep hearing Raz just tell me to count.  I have to count to ten.  Ok, count to ten again.  One more time Zari, just count to ten, and then we'll call it done for today.  He says I'm making progress.  I didn't scream this time.  I can't help the shaking though.  But he keeps telling me if I can fight the panic I can learn to think through it, to find a way to get past it, so that if ever something like that happens to me again, I'll know what to do, I'll be ready for it, and I'll be able to think myself out of it.  Even without my hands.  Even without being able to see... I'll be able to figure it out.  My whole body hurts after we finish each session and Raz usually gives me a long hug and tells me I did fine.  I still don't feel fine.  I know that we're working to get past all this, but I still feel so scared.  More scared whenever we're "practicing".  

Maybe I can learn how to cast without my hands?  I've seen people do that before... I think?  Is that what Raz meant by being able to think through it?