Of Style and Flare

[Alatriel]

I really don't see what is so hard to understand!  Do the right thing, do what makes peoples' lives better.  It's not so much the what people do sometimes.  Yeah, obviously the what matters, but sometimes the what people do is tainted or colored by the why people do things.  Say a guy steals a loaf of bread.  Yeah, stealing is wrong.  I don't think people should steal, but maybe- just maybe the guy has 5 kids at home that are hungry because something happened and he's desperate and nobody would help him out?  Stealing's still wrong, but maybe it's not AS wrong because that guy is stealing for the right reasons?  The problem gets to where BAD people are doing bad things and then lying and saying they're doing them for good reasons when they really aren't.  But when the law looks at it even the people who really aren't trying to do bad things just because they're doing bad things but are doing bad things or... against the law things...because there really is a good reason they're doing things.  And what's worse is when people do things that are supposedly LEGAL but they're BAD!  Just because a law is there doesn't mean it's a good one and there are lots of people who get overlooked by the law and they are doing really really bad things!  It's not right when people have to get up and go do their job and go home and go to bed and they have nothing to show for it except that they get to do it all over again the next day.  It's bad when people die and they just fade away and nothing they did every lasts or means anything because they never had the spark of inspiration to make them feel like they actually COULD do something good or meaningful.  It's bad when the law says that's fine and good as long as they're quiet and they mind their business and they don't cause a fuss.  Well gosh darnit!  Sometimes people need a riot to realize what it is that they're missing!  Sometimes people need something that will make them realize that they're worth more than just doing what they do and waiting to die and not knowing when that will happen and not even caring so long as they don't get in trouble with the law for causing a stir!  People shouldn't be afraid to say what they feel and feel what they feel because if they do and someone else who makes the law says they don't like it.  People shouldn't be afraid to say "I don't like that law.  It makes me feel strangled." because Ilsare forbid that Rofirein might breathe fire down on them and lock them in the stocks for a day or more.  Or HECK!  What if they actually lock them away forever because they had the nerve to speak ill against their precious Golden Dragon who didn't help them feed their families and DIDN'T give them anything to live for and DIDN'T  care that the one and ONLY thing that they've seen in years that inspired them to HOPE for a better future got LOCKED AWAY! and they haven't seen it since?!  
ARRRRRRGH!!!!!!!

Oh... and I think Danny's mad at me because I sorta kinda told him that the lawmaking body of Rofie is a mob.  Eh... whatya gonna do?  I still think he's cute, but seriously?  I really wish he'd realize that sometimes you have to do what you have to do and you can't wait until it goes through committee.  Sometimes the only choice is to act on feeling, and know that you're doing the right thing.

He says that since I paid my "debt" for my "crimes" he has no quarrel or ill feelings towards me.  As far as what I did though... I'd do it again.  It was the right thing.

[Alatriel]

Huh... know what?  it's been a long time since I've written in here and I just looked at the last thing I wrote.  Apparently I was pretty mad when I wrote it.  Huh.  oh well.  I still was right.

[Alatriel]

Okay, I pulled this out and I swear it had another book around it just in dust!  It's been forever since I really felt like writing anything I guess.  I mean, I've painted, I've designed... I've gone on a few dates, but life's been sort of bleak for the last few years.  Really ever since Steel's head went rolling across the town square...

Speaking of Steel, I saw him recently.  He's got a lot of strong men working with him from the look of things.  I don't know, maybe I really do have bad taste in men.  

He wanted me to design something for two women.  One of them, sure, no problem, the other one, not a chance in any of however many pits there are.  So I designed a couple outfits for Steel's girlfriend Darthirae.  Hope she liked them.  I don't know how she reacted to them honestly.

Okay, so really the reason I pulled this thing out is that someone walked into the house yesterday.  Well... he knocked, I opened the door and invited him in... you get the idea.  So he walks in, and I'm thinking, sure probably another customer, someone who needs help with their wardrobe right?  No... he was dressed in a great outfit, well suited to his complexion and build... and be still my heart is he good looking!  The funny thing was, he sort of dismissed me, like I was the hired help or something.  He called me "Elf" and told me, not asked, TOLD me to go get his cloak that he was buying from Raz so he could inspect it.  He's an elf too mind you...  Though it was weird.  Suddenly he saw my Moment ring and then it was almost like he just visibly relaxed, he was looking at all the paintings we have in our collection and asked me if they were mine.  I told him mine were upstairs, so I showed him my work, Raz's sculptures, etc.  We went up into the attic to the studio because the cloak was up there.  Turns out he's a bit of a musician too, and asked me if I wanted some wine, which I found out later he actually made himself.  It was good too.  I think I made a mistake though.  I touched his face at one point and he got all abrupt and stood up.  He gave me a rose, but then it was almost like I couldn't slow him down as he all but ran from the house.

I really must have lost my touch...

I hope I see him again though.  He's different.

[Alatriel]

I think I realized why I date humans.  They aren't nearly so scary as elves.

[Alatriel]

Okay... I had a little bit more time to think about it.  So... here's the thing.

I went on a... well, I'd say it was a date, but really only parts of it could really count as a date.  We went on a boat ride from Leringard to Hempstead.  He didn't seem all that happy with me for being friendly to the sailors on the trip, but he didn't seem all that happy when I flirted with him, so how am I supposed to know?  I touched him the first time and he ran.  As like he was afraid of catching the plague or something.  Then we went and he crafted a few things.  He's odd.  One moment he would be sweet and seemed to like me and then the next minute it was like he either didn't want me there with him, or didn't care if I was or not.

So then he suddenly announced that he was hungry and going to eat dinner at the pub.  So.... um... he forgot to actually -ask- me if I wanted to go.  I made up the conversation the way it -should- have gone.  I'm not sure if he got the hint or not.  But we went to the pub and he jumped up to pay for dinner and asked me what I wanted.  He FINALLY asked me what I wanted!  and then we had dinner.  We listened to their resident singer, and he was alright, and we talked.  He smiled some, but then at the end I asked him when was the last time he'd been kissed, and he sort of freaked out and said he was going to get a room.  That time it wasn't an implied invitation at all, no he wanted me gone.

So I let him go.

I went and had some of the "hard stuff" as Raz calls it.  Cherry juice.  In a shot glass of course.  But then there started to be all these crashes and the sounds of breaking items.  The innkeeper ran off and grabbed a club and I followed.  It was my "date".  I tried to calm down the innkeeper and gave him a few hundred trues to pay for the damages.  He took the money and told me to get him out of there, and I pushed Gel back in his room.  The place was a wreck.  He yelled at me to get my hands off him, which I did... and then he punched the wall.  I heard something crack... and I dont' think it was the wall.  His hand looked a mess, but I had no idea what to do for it.  I'm not a healer... He sang a few notes though and his hand seemed to get a bit better.  

I'm not entirely sure what happened after that.  I sat down and told him to sit with me and I started massaging his hands.  He relaxed a lot.  I asked him why he broke all of the stuff and he said it was because he was angry, because he was a coward.  Because I was scary to him.  I told him he could ask me stuff so he'd know me better and then I wouldn't be so scary, and he asked... and I think I answered.  

The thing is... I don't think he knows just how much he scares me.  It's not the temper... I don't think he'll hurt me... he was more like a scared wounded animal.  And as much as I dislike animals for some reason it was different with him being a man.  But I haven't dated an elven man in.... how long has it been since I left Voltrex?  At least more than twenty years?  A one night stand or a brief fling here and there doesn't count.  And I'm not saying that I'm going to actually -date- date him.  Besides, even if I ever wanted to I'm not sure that he would really want to be with me.  He says I'm beautiful and he talks about my eyes as if they are a light from a forge?  I.... think? that's a compliment?  

But he told me he hadn't kissed a woman in 80 years.  I hope that he doesn't wait another 80 years before he kisses me like that again.


UNFORTUNATELY, even though I lost on purpose to him playing Chess, House Rules even, I touched one of these odd tattoo-like scars he has... and he pulled his jacket on quicker than a brownie monk and ran again like he suddenly realized he was with a half-orc instead of me.

Ilsare... I'm so confused... I need some help here.  We're still friends right?  A little help would be good.

[Alatriel]

We've been seeing each other off and on for weeks now.  We fight all the time... but we always make up.  He's posessive, he gets angry, he's jealous, and I don't think he understands me very well, and yet I can't seem to let myself let him go.  There is so much of him that reminds me of Eldarian, and so much more that is so different.  I keep looking over at him.  He's peaceful right now, laying in my bed, but he isn't always at peace even in reverie.  I think sometimes that his dreams haunt him even more than mine haunt me.  He calls for Larina.  He said that was his wife's name.  

I wonder if one day he'll wake up and realize that I really am not his dead wife.  That I'm nothing compared to what she was to him.  And that when he realizes this, he'll realize he really doesn't need me anymore.  

I know that when I talked to Janice at the Breath that I said I knew that I was worth waiting for someone that Ilsare would pick for me.  Whether it was someone to love briefly or over a long period of time.  That was years ago, and yet, I've tried to remain open.  But now that I'm here looking at someone who says he wants to be with me, I'm so terrifed to say yes.  Opening up is terrifying.  If I told him everything, how am I supposed to know that he'll accept me for that?  I don't want to accept it myself, but I don't have a choice.  He does.  He could leave.  I've asked him so many times to leave.  I've told him that it's safer for him, that I only hurt people.  The only person I didn't hurt was simply because he didn't love me.  But everyone who's ever thought they loved me except maybe Raz... Raz does love me, maybe that's the difference... has been hurt, or gone nuts... or just... I've destroyed them.

I don't want to destroy this one.  But maybe that's my problem?  Am I only capable of loving when the other person doesn't love me back?  

Have I ever been in love before?  I don't think so.  I'm scared.  What if love turns me into a crazy person.  What if Gel and I both go crazy and hurt each other?  We already are fighting.  He says he likes fighting with me because it's honest, and as long as we make up, the making up is worth it.  But how much is worth it?  How much yelling and screaming before things get violent?  How long can he keep himself calm if I talk to my friends before he decides that's not enough and wants to shut me away in a room somewhere so that I'm only his?  

Am I making things too big?  Am I scaring myself?

He asked me about Raz.  Raz told him that I have trouble resisting him.  How could I tell him that what Raz really meant was that he tries to build up my resilience against my fear of what Eldarian did to me?  I can't tell him what happened to me.  He was worried that Raz was competition.  Why does that word alone make me terrified?  As if Gel had to compete with everyone else and I was the prize to be won... it's wrong.  Why can't it just be that i want to be with him and he wants to be with me, and let the world fall away... like it did last night?  Why is every day a struggle?  I'm fine with fighting for what you believe in, and fighting for what's right... but is love really something you have to fight for... by fighting with the person you're supposed to be trying to learn to love?  Is that what we're doing?  Fighting to get the chance to know each other?

Ilsare, when we became friends I asked you to protect my heart.  Please... protect me now.

I think I'm going to go paint a bit before he gets up.  Maybe if I paint my fears onto canvas I can let them out so they won't haunt me anymore.  Then I can do what I want with them.  I can destroy them, or I can let them go.

[Alatriel]

Yep... I really have gone nuts.  I actually told Gel'larian he could stay with me.  I've given keys away before so people could come and go as they pleased but... this... would be a first.  He says he's going to cook for us.  I think I'm just nervous.  I must've been drunk when I gave that key away.  Oh wait... I was drunk.  What was I thinking!?

[Alatriel]

*Two letters are placed carefully inside her journal after what looks like they were read over and over again.*

Dearest Zari,

I am writing you this as I am trapped in Hlint right now because of some silly plague that is spreading. It seems only to affect humans so it is all just a formality for me. I have been spending time in the flower beds at the temple here and I am soothed by it's calmness. I watch the artists at work and I know that at least something is being created that is good.

But there is something that weighs on me, even so far from Leringard. It is your nightly disturbances in your dreams and in your heart. I know you suffer these things with the courage that makes you the amazing woman you are, but I want to tell you this: if it is too much to bear in your life, if you are not getting the help you need, if there is anything, no matter how small, that you require I will do it, all you must do is ask.

I know you protest that you will only hurt me, but you must understand this: after you fell in that giant cave, my fear fell away with you. I could see, in that moment, that to have you and be wounded is better than to not have you at all. I am not afraid to be hurt by you and I hope I can prove myself worthy of the same trust.

I cannot wait to find you in my arms again, and until then here is a poem I wrote last night

" We lie alone under stars,
We look up and see the same light,
So find we ere joined"

Be Held in The Muses Arms,

Gel'larian


Dear Zari,

I just returned from a hunting trip on Alindor, and was sad to find nothing more here, than your scent on your pillow. I will have to enjoy that while I may for it too shall fade. I hope you are in Hurm to see about purchasing the only tavern we have ever enjoyed together, as I think that would be an eminently thoughtful present.

As to the thought that your past being a little more open to me would drive me away, I should say the opposite has happened. I long to hold you and see those pools of gold look back at me. Until you return, and I hope it shall be soon, all I will have to fill my time with other things. At any moment you can imagine me either trying to carve a violin bow from oak or carving runes of power in to an arrow shaft. For I will not leave here for any other purpose except to meet you at port.

From My Heart to Yours,

Gel'larian

[Alatriel]

Okay...

How do I keep myself from screwing this up?  I know I push him away, and I don't want to, but I'm afraid to pull him too close because then he really WILL want to run away.  Why is it that it's so hard?  And why oh why did I blurt out what I think I probably felt but didn't mean to say just out of the blue?!  and then on top of that he said it's okay without actually telling me what I said because he knows too well that it'll terrify me.  How can I call myself Ilsare's friend if love still scares the skirt off of me?  Okay, well I know Ilsare and I are still friends, but I seriously start feeling like my heart is in my throat whenever I think about things.  And then when I was looking at flowers because I just felt like buying Gel a flower to see if he knew what it meant, the purple one stood out so much more than the others, so I bought it.  And I gave it to him.  And I asked it what it meant.

Love at first sight.

Seriously?

That's what Zira always says to me when she talks about us... and then the rose... and what i blurted.

Okay, Ilsare, I get it.  are you trying to tell me something?  Really?  Because I think I'm hard of hearing... But you're YELLING AT ME!

[Alatriel]

Thank you Ilsare for being my friend.  I'm still scared.  I'm still worried.  But maybe it will be okay after all.  Just um... please don't let me kill him again... or... accidentally cause him to be killed.... or something like that.  

I took Gel back to Voltrex.  We managed to make it past customs even though we had to wait a waaaaaaay long time.  Finally they let us through after warning us sternly that we couldn't stay forever and then gave us passes for a specified amount of time.  I don't know what that time was, I stopped paying attention and then never really looked at it except when we had to hand them back when we left.  I hadn't been back since I left, but Gel had never been there before.  So I figured I was having to face a lot of other fears I might as well get this one over with and at least show him a part of the world he hadn't been to before.  He said he wanted to see the world with me.  So I showed him what used to be my world.  It's odd really coming back now.  I never really saw the trees as that tall or short in either place, they were just trees.  But now coming back from Voltrex, the trees on Mistone and Dregar are... puny.  Oh well.  They're still just trees right?

He says I have a piece of his heart.  I wonder if he knows he holds pretty much all of mine now.

[Alatriel]

Soooo......


Honesty.  It's harsh and brutal, but it's, well... honesty.  It's real.  And it's so weird because I actually find myself oddly enjoying? fighting with Gel?  Is that even possible?  I mean, I hate fighting with him, but it gets my blood going in ways that feels even more intimate than anything else I've ever done before.  To be able to yell at someone and be angry with them, even when we say things we don't mean to say to hurt each other, and know that in spite of all that... I know he'll still be there in the morning.  I don't know if that makes it more terrifying or more freeing or what.  It's new.  I feel like I'm pulled to him at all times whether I can feel him near me or not.  I can feel him, his magic, his spirit, and when he gets closer to me I feel on fire, like the heat of a thousand suns and I can't control any of it.  It's horrible and awesome and wonderful all at once and I can't seem to do anything except ride the tides and hope that with each new argument, with each time we make up, with each kiss, touch, gesture, look... the passion we feel won't go away.  What happens when it does?  Will it?  He says he feels more alive than he has ever felt.  It's true.  I feel more alive and more free when he's there.  Even when he is jealous, even when he does silly things that make me so completely frustrated... I can't do anything about it.  I wouldn't want him to change to be someone he thinks I want.  I've done that.  It never works.

I want him to be him.  I want me to be me.  And I want us to be us...together.

[Alatriel]

Oh..............my.............Goddess......


My soul is on fire.  Sometimes I think it must be obvious to anyone nearby.  The feeling just radiates out of my skin, like I can hardly contain myself.  Sometimes it comes out in anger, jealousy, rage... a temper I never really realized I had.  Sometimes it's an overwhelming need, desire, love... ecstacy...  It's painful and wonderful at the same time.  Overwhelming either way.  Gel was given a Band.  It wasn't by Janice, it was from someone else who had the band already.  Still, I know he's thrilled with the gift.  One of these days I can't wait to go back to the Breath of the Muse with him, but for now he said he wants to visit my parents when we last went to Voltrex, so here we go again.  The boat leaves at first light.  I'm not exactly sure what's going to happen really.  I'm nervous, but I think I would do anything for Gel, so since he wanted to meet them... we're going.  Hopefully they won't run him off...

[Alatriel]

How can people sit around and just not do something when something bad happens?  If a child is kidnapped, heck if ANYONE is kidnapped, why would nobody go to look for them?  Because nobody wanted to involve the law?  Okay, so what?  Why do you have to have the law behind you in order to do the right thing?  Why would anyone let someone just get away with taking someone that they say they supposedly love?  People are stupid and weak and crazy for not doing something.  They let bad people get away with stuff because they lack the will and the fire to do something.  They stand around and say "I want to kill that son of a she-wolf that did this" or "What I'd do if I could get my hands on the person that did this horrible thing!" but they they just STAND THERE.  Just talking about how horrible it is doesn't change anything!  Why does everyone look at me like I'm nuts when I refuse to sit around and waste time when people tell me that someone has taken children and I'd rather go out there and bring them back rather than letting someone take them into a deep dark hole that they may never come back from?  Why is it that I'm somehow the foolish one when I'm not willing to wait around for people to discuss things in committee?  Meanwhile, while they're debating on the right course of action, children are being taken farther and farther from the light and Goddess only knows what is happening to them.  

Why did nobody come to find me before I'd had to spend three months gone?

Zira's pregnant.  I've tried but I just can't be happy for her.  I feel nothing but anger and resentment.  Danny said he thinks I'm jealous.  Maybe I am.  I don't want kids, certainly not right now.  But what would they say if I told them that I would've had a child that would be fifty something by now?  What would they say if they realized that the reason I'll never have any children is because I took the right to life away from the one I could have had then.  Would they even understand why I did what I did?  Pits, I'm not sure I even know why I did what I did, but I can't change it now.  Yeah... I know why I did what I did.  I knew that I couldn't have a living reminder of what happened.

But it doesn't mean I haven't thought about it.  It doesn't mean I don't regret part of it.  

It doesn't mean that every time Zira acts tired, or gets sick because of the not one, but TWO babies she carries, every time she says "I'm pregnant" or "I'm tired because I'm pregnant," or "help me, I'm pregnant," or "Congratulate me, I'm pregnant" I don't want to slap her in the face.  When it happened to me there were no congratulations.  There was horror.  There was covering up.  There was disgrace.  Nobody would talk about it.  When I got rid of it my mother was even more horrified than when she realized in the first place, and yet in spite of that I think she was relieved.  New Dad just thought I was suffering from some mental condition that caused me not to think clearly because of my "ordeal."  That if we just didn't talk about it, if we ignored it, if we pretended that nothing ever happened then it didn't happen.  That I would somehow forget it over time.  That it wouldn't haunt me for the rest of my life.  Well here it is over fifty years later and I can still see it as clearly as if it was yesterday.  I can still feel my own knife in my own stomach as I twisted it to get rid of what was put there without my permission.  I can still hear my mother scream as she found me on the floor in my bedroom and feel the healing potion she poured into me to heal my wounds.  It kept me from dying.  Maybe Aeridin revoked my permission to ever have children that I actually wanted some day for what I did.  Maybe I don't deserve them after that.  The Aeridinite cleric that my father brought to us said that the wounds had healed, but they had not been regenerated.  That even though I would live and even the scars on the outside would not be noticeable, the scars on the inside would make it highly unlikely that I would ever conceive again.

Thanks a lot Aeridin.  Thanks for your blessing and your curse.  You gave me my life back.  But now because of that I'll never be able to give the man I love something that I think he'll want some day.  So maybe our love will never truly be what he'll want forever.  Because one of these days he'll realize I'm damaged goods.  He'll find someone better.  He tells me he won't, but how can he know?

*tear drops seem to be dropped on the page at random places, smearing the ink a bit*

[Alatriel]

Well, I was sifting through Gel's things and I found my old diary buried under a lot of other old things.  I haven't written in a really long time.  Gel's gone.  He was gone to Belinara and fighting werewolves with SehKy and he was killed.  I'm angry.  At first I didn't believe it.  Mostly, I just couldn't believe that SehKy wouldn't bring him home to me, that he would send a letter telling me he was bringing his body to the Breath of the Muse instead.  I thought maybe it was a sick joke.  But it was real.  Who DOES that kind of thing?!  I mean, really... I don't think my heart was beating the entire way from Leringard to the Breath and when I got there, I could hardly catch my breath.  I just wanted to hit something.  I wanted to hit SehKy.  I did hit him, and even still then I hoped that it was just a really bad joke, and that the body of my love laying there would just magically mend in spite of the horrible claw marks that covered him, that tore him to shreds.  I didn't want it to be real.  I kept hoping and praying that he'd open his eyes and he'd come back to me.

But he never did.

It's been over a year now.  At first I could barely even move, or get up.  I didn't want to live anymore.  I felt like my heart had died with him, but no matter how many times I begged Ilsare to let me go with him, She wouldn't let me.  I tried to take matters in my own hands, but I chickened out.  It hurt so bad just to breathe.  I couldn't see colors anymore.  It was all just a blended shade of gray.  Nothing mattered anymore.

It still hurts.  Some days a lot worse than others.  I'm still not sure that I'll ever find a love like that again.  It wasn't easy to find him or wait for him in the first place, and then he had to go off and die.  I still hate SehKy.  I don't know that I can forgive him.  He won't leave me alone, and every time I see him I feel what I felt when I first read the stupid letter he sent me, and then I see Gel's shredded body lying there in the Breath of the Muse when I first laid eyes on him.  I know it's mean, but I wish it had been SehKy's body there, not Gel's.    Seeing him hurts.

I've sort of made a new friend that has been helping me through this stuff, and he's helping me live again at least.  It's not the same as having Gel here, but nothing will ever be the same again.  I know it's probably a bad idea, and I'll probably get hurt out of it, but there's something in this guy that makes me have to try.  I can't imagine being in a place where I had to keep all of my emotions bottled up inside at all times.  

Zira's not thrilled.  She says Ilsare hates him.  Yeah, so maybe Gel would hate him, too.  But Gel's not here anymore to scold me or look out for me or be here with me and you know what?  I'm MAD at him too.  I'm mad at him for dying.  I'm mad at him for leaving me here alone without him.  I'm mad at him for going that day with SehKy.  I'm mad at him for forgetting that archers are supposed to fight at a distance.  I'm mad at him for hurting me.  I'm mad at him for making me cry and making it hurt so bad that I can't breathe.  I'm mad at him for all of the unfulfilled promises he made to me because he's not here anymore to fill them.  I'm mad at him for the children that he wanted with me that even though I knew we'd never have them, now I know that it really won't ever happen.  I'm mad at the unfinished goals he had that he'll never complete.  He promised me we'd be together forever.  Well forever isn't finished for me, and he took the easy way out and now I have to deal with it.  I'm mad because I don't know how to truly be myself anymore without him, and I'm mad that I have to try to figure out who I still am on my own without him.  I'm mad that I can't smell him on my pillows anymore and that I am alone in my bed.  I'm mad that every time I do anything I second guess myself now because I have to think about what Gel would think.  I'm mad that I hear his voice in my head, and I'm mad that making him jealous or angry or frustrated no longer matters because he's not here to make up with or fight with or tease or kiss.  I'm mad that tactics no longer have any meaning.

And so I'm learning to be friends with a dark elf.  Maybe because I'm mad at Gel.  Maybe because there's more to this dark elf than the black on his skin.  Maybe because he's the only one that seems to understand that I'm mad. Okay, maybe that's not totally true.  Raz understands.  Raz is mad too. Maybe I'm just looking for something else to live for because I wasn't strong enough to make myself or let myself die.

[Alatriel]

So, I have a name finally.  He finally at least gave me that much.  Granted, we had to pretty much have a fight over it, but I don't think I'm being unreasonable to want to at least know the name of my friend.  I mean sheesh, that's sort of a basic thing isn't it?  But I've been doing a lot of thinking about the subject of betrayal.  Because he's been betrayed so he simply assumes that I'm going to betray him.  But I've never betrayed a friend.  Never.  Never ever ever.  In fact, I've probably gone way out on a limb for people when I shouldn't, but that's entirely besides the point.  The fact is, I get that his whole culture has trained him to see us "paleskins" as he calls us as betrayers, and I know that I was told that the dark elves were betrayers.  So from what I can see is neither of us knows who betrayed who, but I can tell that his race is cruel and mean and harsh and they don't hug each other nearly enough, and they obviously don't understand love or kindness or friendship because for some reason he thinks all of those things make him vulnerable instead of stronger, because really it makes you stronger to have people that love and care about and support you, not weaker.  But I guess the point is, I know that if I look at the "paleskins" and the "darkskins" the "paleskins" may not have everything perfectly right and we sure enough have our own issues and problems, but on the whole, his kind is still evil and bad.  

But what gets me so frustrated is that I'm not holding that against him and I'm trying to see past that because I at least can acknowledge that people can be one thing on the whole but a person is an individual and any individual person can be given a chance to show that they're special or different than those around them.  But he doesn't seem to be willing to separate me from everyone else.  And that's the problem.  I know I can't just force someone to see me as me instead of just as part of the larger whole of elves that are not dark elves.

I was talking with this woman Breanna and she was telling me how she "made a mistake" and betrayed her friend because some other "friends" told her to.  That doesn't even make any sense to me.  I guess she was trying to make me see the other side of the story other than the one that I was seeing from a hypothetical situation because she betrayed someone before, but all it really did was make me take the side of the person she betrayed.  I'd be mad, too.  Honestly, if you're that concerned about pleasing other people you end up failing on all accounts in the long run.  It's like when I was talking to that human in Center, Seb-something, and he was telling me that he would be anything that I wanted so that I would spend the night with him.  The concept is completely worthless, changing who you are just to please someone else temporarily.  On me it's just stupid because it's all just a big lie.  I'm not saying I've never told lies before because that would be a lie, but there's a difference in levels of lying.  People who just change who they are entirely bother me.  Maybe they don't know who they are to begin with.  Maybe they're just that insecure that they need the approval of everyone else around them, but I've had enough people not like me for who I am and not understanding me to know that at least I can still walk with my head held high.  I still know that I'm the only one who can tell me who I am and how I should act, and that's freedom.  Unlike people who are so concerned with other people that they've basically sold themselves into a form of social slavery where they let everyone and anyone else tell them and pressure them into how they should act and behave.  It's just not that difficult.  You just do the right thing.  I don't understand why it's so hard for people to just do the right thing.  It's easy.  Don't hurt people who don't deserve it.  Don't betray your friends.  Stand by your word if you give it.  Be nice to people that deserve it, but don't be afraid to tell people what you think even if it's not always the nice way if that's what needs to be said.  It's like Raz always says when he says goodbye.  "Live life and love life."  It's simple.  Some people call it common sense and common courtesy, but I don't get why it's so uncommon.  Sure there are people out there that are polite, but polite people often just sit and watch while bad things happen.  People that act as doormats for evil to happen might as well just be there being evil, too.

Nym, that's his name, says that I have a naive way of viewing the world, and that I am too black and white with evil and good, but I think he's just jaded, and jaded people can't see some of the simple goodness and simple evilness because they're too mixed up in things.  He said he's a murderer.  It turns my stomach.  I honestly don't know what to say about it.  If it's true, if he is a murderer, I have a hard time reconciling that as the person that saved my life and has helped me.  But I can see it in that he's a dark elf.  All dark elves are probably murderers.  I guess technically, I'm a murderer if you look at the people that I've killed.  I've killed a lot of people.  Granted, they were all very bad people... but I've killed them.  And other than the first couple that I killed, I admit that it doesn't keep me up at night anymore.  Mostly because I know why I killed them.  So, see?  I don't just see the world in black and white.  

I'm too tired to think about this anymore tonight.  I think I'm going to punch Sar, or Nym, or Aerenir, or Caenthral or whatever it is that he wants to be called today the next time I see him, tell him to stop being a jerk and tell him to just get over the fact that he's afraid of being my friend and start acting like a real person instead of just a stupid dark elf.

[Alatriel]

I went to a party at the Silver Buckle, Andrew's inn.  It was a gambling thing.  I was doing alright and having a drink and trying to flirt with Vrebel.  I don't know... I know Vrebel has always tried to flirt with me and I'm sure he'd probably love for me to actually completely reciprocate, but I just never have been able to do it.  There's just something about him.  He's not my type.  Maybe it has to do with him thinking that Raz bought the house and let me move in with him for "favors" way back when.  Yeah, so maybe I shouldn't hold grudges, but... oh well, maybe I do.  So... I was trying to be okay.  And now, thinking back, I should've known better because I was drinking "blue" again.  Why is it that I can't handle blue?  SehKy showed up in the middle of the game and I wasn't expecting him and it was all I could do to not fly across the table and hit him.  I can't help it.  Every time I see him I want to punch him.  Well, he left a little while after that, and then I drank way too much blue.  And after that it's a little fuzzy.  Andy said it wasn't too bad and that he'll still invite me to his parties because not having me there would make them dull.  He can't use his left arm right now either.  He said he had a tattoo removed, but I had to ask him how he got a tattoo because when we were together I didn't remember seeing one.  But he said he was kidnapped and tortured and tattooed by dark elves and he had to have it removed.  Dark elves.  

And so I guess that brings me into the next part.  I think Ilsare is mad at me.  Zira says yes she is, Raz says no she's not and Zira doesn't know anything about Ilsare.  Apparently Raz forgot that Zira's a priestess.  Anyways, where was I?  Oh right.  So, she's mad at me because of what I'm doing with a dark elf.  I was with him and we killed bad guys and I died and my soul felt like it was ripped apart.  I'm still here, but it hurt a lot and the recovery from it was a lot worse.  And then the next time I went somewhere with "Sar", he died, and I got trapped, and I couldn't let Twinkie out to have her help me unlock the door that was trapping me because we both would've died, so instead of being able to kill the bad guy and then raise him, I had to wait until he went around a corner and didn't see me and then I pulled out a scroll... and it was like my soul had to be stretched and pulled and tortured just to find his.  It hurt a lot.  I brought him back, but it just burned.  Apparently when he died, his soul was ripped apart like mine was the time before.  So maybe his god is mad at him too.  I told him it's a bad idea.  Why oh why do I like bad ideas so much?  I can't just walk away now.  Ilsare should at least understand that much.  I know there's something more there, and if I'm his friend I just don't walk out on my friends.  Raz says Ilsare isn't mad, She's just worried.  Zira says that Ilsare's just trying to give me a warning by hurting me so that I know I'm in danger.  Sar says that his god doesn't like women.  He wouldn't tell me why because he says he doesn't want to give information of his kind to "the surface."  Seriously?  I'm NOT the surface.  I'm me.  He says he sees me, not just me on the outside, but just me, but if he can see me then he's going to have to start seeing that I'm not "the surface"!  Okay sure, he said that if he tells me something then I"ll probably tell Raz and Zira or I'll accidentally say something to someone else... which may be sorta kinda true just a little... okay maybe he does see me a little.  But I haven't told anyone at all what Raz said about Zeke being Alatriel's son .  I kept THAT a secret.  I wish someone would give me a little bit of credit.  So I think that what probably happened is that his god probably liked a woman and she didn't like him or something and so he decided he would turn all bitter and evil and such.  It's always about love.  That's just how these things happen.  People can't handle it when people don't love them back, and some people really do turn evil I guess.  So yeah... I'm sure it's about a woman.  Raz thinks the reason the dark elves betrayed the surface elves was over a woman too.  Who knows, maybe it was the same woman?  But really, I wouldn't want to go follow whatever god it is that Sar follows.  Why?  Because I'm not a betrayer, and if I went and followed his god then I'd be turning my back on my friend Ilsare... who is already not happy with me.  But really... if Ilsare wants me to follow my heart and my heart tells me that there's something for me to do here with my new friend in spite of everything else, in spite of what he looks like, or who he follows... shouldn't She understand that?  Zira says I should just change him, but if I truly tried to change him, would I be being a good friend or would I be as bad as those so-called friends that made Breanna betray him in the first place?

Oh yeah, and I have to find out if Breanna was there when Gel died, because if she was then I get to punch her in the face, too.  Sar won't let me otherwise because he says that if I do that then she'll know about us and that would put me and Raz and Zeke in danger, and it's better to just keep it a secret.

But I can't keep secrets from Ilsare.

[Alatriel]

Nym Stay Out Of My Journal!!!!!!

[Alatriel]

Okay, so it's been a while, again, since I wrote anything.  I've got to hide this stupid thing now so that nobody snoopy goes and reads what I don't want to be read.  I don't consider it keeping secrets, but come on, a girl's got to have her outlet, right?  I'll have to flip back pages to see if I ever wrote about Toby- Tobias- before, but I don't know if I did the first time I met him.  That was a long time ago.  Honestly, Raz and I sort of joked that he could have been another long-lost brother because he's a lot like the both of us, but he's not.  Well, he's been gone for a long time, and now suddenly he's back again, and I'm not unavailable like I was last time.  

So that's sort of part of the weirdness, because Toby's sort of like another missing piece, and that scares the absolute poo out of me.  It sort of frustrates me too I guess.  With Nym, even though he's dangerous and can be scary, and he likes making me feel completely off-balance and uncomfortable, I think I know where I stand with him, and while he won't ever admit that he loves me and all, I know that he would protect me likely as fiercely as Raz would if the situation called for it.  But I don't worry that he'll break my heart and I don't honestly think there's anything that I could do to break his.  I'm used to having him leave and return just whenever, and after spending time with him and then by myself and having him come back again, I actually feel like being alone is not the end of the world.  Like I can be a whole person with just me if I have to be, even if it's not what I had thought I would have to be.  The lonely nights still bring in the memories and the hurt and the loss and the pain, but knowing that I can live on my own two feet with the friends and people I care about still around me does bring comfort, and every now and then I don't have to spend my nights alone.

But then Toby comes back out of the blue and there's something that's so much more dangerous and terrifying about him being here.  There's a real risk involved.  Not just for me, but for him.  I've driven men mad before, and I didn't mean to, and I don't want to do it again.  He's not a human, so I can't blame it on human blood.  But even though Toby really is nothing like Gel, he represents that same future that I lost when Gel died.  Before Gel died I was content.  I didn't feel restless like I so often do now.  I could stay home and paint, or travel as I liked to see wonderful beautiful places and I didn't feel like I had to go out and fight the monsters and horrible things that I know this world holds.  But without Gel, and knowing what took him away from me, I feel like I have to.  If I don't go out and fight those monsters, who will?  If someone misses them, who else will lose a loved one?

Toby's been hurt before.  He knows the risks the same as I do, and I don't know if he's as scared as me, but he's offered me a new future.  Not the same one that I lost, but similar enough that it brings back every memory of every hope and dream that Gel and I shared and each moment feels like pain reawakened.  With him, as much as I love spending time with him, I feel guilty.  I feel like if I give myself the possibility of moving on, I'm dishonoring Gel's memory, and everything that we had together.

I'm not ready.  I know that.  I don't know if he knows it, but I can't have that conversation.  Not yet, not after we already had to deal with some of that baggage already and it was horrible.  I'm also not ready to let go of Nym.  Future or no future, I don't want to lose him.

I never thought Ilsare's domain was a simple one, but all of the pain that I thought had started to heal feels reopened, and now the lonely spaces between spending time with someone else feel even more pronounced.  The wholeness I thought I was finally starting to find... it feels like it's going away again, and I'm really afraid that with that wholeness disappearing I'll end up back in that darkness.  I don't want to go back in the dark, and this time, I just don't feel right about trying to fill up the space with another person.  It's not fair to them if I can't be a whole person.  With Gel I really thought that he and I were two pieces of a whole.  I gave him my love, my loyalty, and my heart.  When he died, those things went with him.  To think about really offering them to someone else feels wrong.  I don't know if Ilsare would tell me it's okay to love again, or if I should accept that I still love Gel and figure out how to live with that.

Or if I'm simply over-thinking all of this and making myself have all these stupid headaches and heartaches for no reason.

Maybe I should go play chess with Raz some more.

I finally won a game.  Finally.

[Alatriel]

Guess I lost them both.

[Alatriel]

Dear Gel,

I miss you.  I'm trying to put pieces together and things just keep falling apart again.  I don't know who I was before you, but I know I was a mess.  With you I was better.  Now I don't know who I'm supposed to be.  Nothing seems right.  Even when I think I'm getting what I think I want, afterwards it doesn't feel right anymore.  Do you want me to move on, or should I stay with what's left that I have of you?  I wanted to follow you but I couldn't.  Now I just feel lost.  I don't know how to judge people anymore.  I keep making choices that turn out to be bad.  I know, you'd probably say I was always this way, but I just never felt that way before.  I keep thinking that maybe I've got things together again, but it doesn't last.  

I know you aren't going to read this, but I hope maybe somewhere you know what's been going on and that hopefully you're not mad at me.  It's not any fun making you jealous when you're not here to make up with.  And I realize now that I don't want to make anyone else jealous.  It's not the same.  And I keep getting hurt all over and I never thought I'd have to be in this place again, and now I am, and it's not fair.  I'm still really mad at you for leaving me.  I'm mad at you because you broke your promise and you left and now I'm lost and confused and I don't know what to do or where to go or how I'm supposed to keep going.  I feel like every day is just trying to fill in spaces.  Every time somebody comes along that I think maybe, just maybe I can keep going, and things might be okay, things just fall apart again because they're just not you.  

It's been a long time.  I thought I was getting better, but right now I don't feel better.  Right now I feel betrayed and hurt and lied to.  By you, by dark elves, by elf elves, and by promises that I don't know will ever be kept by anyone.  If you couldn't keep your promise, then who can?

I know you won't write me back, but I wish you could.

Love always and forever,
Zari