ZariannaSome time has passed since the last time we saw one another; rest assured that I will not be writing anymore of these lest it devolve in meaning to you as some form of guilt or concieted attempt to keep you from coming to terms with the situation we all found ourselves in of late, but I wanted you to know this. Hopefully, it will provide a small measure of balm to your feelings about what I have done; know that I expect nothing in return for it.I left the War behind and those I served in the past as well and I do not know how much time will pass before they seek me out; if indeed they bother at all but I imagine the slight will not go unanswered forever. Though one apprentice has followed me and sworn their self to my service, I imagine you two would not get along very well but they know by now that my mercy is matched only by my reputation for vindictiveness. Besides I need the help. Sadly, the next part you will not enjoy reading at all.I have gone to settle accounts and old slights and although they feel somewhat too petty now, I can not leave them unfinished; especially now that a bounty is on my head. You know where I am.In truth, I do not know what I will do if I succeed; the goals I once held firmly in view no longer can be seen with such clarity. Maybe I should speak to Steel, but I feel that is best done with alternatives to turn to lest he decide to abuse the upper hand he has always held upon me and I find myself compromised with no support. I am not going to be entrapped again, but it might grant me an alternative you would not condemn me for. I doubt it for I know Steel in ways you do not, we are both monsters and can see it in one another with ease.I make no promises about what I will do from this point on, and I will not trouble you with anymore letters; I will soon be in a situation that makes it unwise anyway. For what I have turned my back on, I did that for you. I suspect it to be the best form of apology I have ever managed to muster, if indeed I have ever apologised.Show this letter to no one but yourself, no good will come of sharing it. Do that for me.
So, I haven't bothered writing in here for a long time. Not really anything to write about. Same old thing always ends up happening, so why bother writing about it right? Men come in, things start getting better, then they get worse, then they get really really horribly terribly catastrophically worse, and then they hiccup, and then... oh, hey, where did they go? Oh yeah, they're gone. Where'd they go? The PITS IF I KNOW! And then of course... time passes and suddenly one of them just waltzes back in and says "I want to be your friend." Then he says all the so-called right things, but things aren't right because I actually -like- this person, but I know he's just going to leave again, or worse, he'll die. And not the kind of dead where you come back, but the real dead. Dead forever dead.
And of course, we've been fighting, which makes me feel stuff that I don't want to feel. Mostly bad stuff, but some of it's just that I hurt a lot. I'm tired of my heart hurting all the time. It's horrible.
So I was at the bar, and this halfling came in, and she was drinking because she lost her magic somehow. I don't even know how that happens? But she had a nice voice. She hummed a little.
But apparently my problems weren't really important to her. She felt really bad. I offered her a hug, but she didn't seem to think that hugs were magic or anything.
Before I left, though, she did give me a hug. Then she said something weird. She said that for my next lesson I should compose a song about magic hugs. Why would I write a song? And... lesson? My teacher died. Maybe she didn't hear that part.
Unfortunately, I can't stop thinking about a song about magic hugs. Mostly because hugs are fabulous.
So... I guess I'll give it a shot.
Hugs... hugs... what rhymes with hugs? Bugs? Rugs? Drugs? Okay none of those are good.
[strike]I think the world would be better if everyone gave hugs
It's like [/strike]
Sometimes, when I feel down and the whole world seems black or gray
The feeling of someone else's arms to hold me takes the blues away
At least a little
Maybe people have a little magic that can pass through acts of love
[strike]When someone else is hurting[/strike]
Hugs can take the pain away like a [strike]message[/strike] from above [massage from above?]
But in a world that's dark and cold when no one seems to care
[strike]Looking for a friendly face [/strike]
Without a hand to hold it feels like there's no air
More than a little
Hugs send magic [strike]to other[/strike] all around, they fill the world with light
They push the dark and lonelies out to rid the endless night
But if there were more hugs around and people gave them more
I think the darks and hurts would go, at least I'm pretty sure
Maybe a little.
Yeah, I'm not a good songwriter. Maybe if I had a hug I'd be better at it.
So, I sorta kinda really actually got married.
Yeah. me. I'm married. I mean, not like in the sense where we had big deal thing with everyone to watch and all because that just doesn't seem right because I figure most people probably would end up fighting and then it's just a big show, and that's not the kind of thing that I wanted. It's not really something that needs to have some signed official piece of parchment that says anything right? That's not what the true sense of it is about anyways. At least, that's what I figured. I think I scared Toby when it sort of just kind of slipped out. It's weird. I NEVER thought I wanted to be married, but lately with Toby the thought just kept coming back and it just felt "right" I guess. Like he's home. And then he said something we were sitting by the fire and he said he felt like he finally was home and well, I thought it but apparently I thought it out loud, but then it was out there and I was afraid he'd say no, so I was going to just take it back. But he said he wanted to wait. I hate waiting. I just figured it was something that should be between me and him and Ilsare and nobody else needed to be around or anything.
Well... yeah. So. That happened. I just hope that this time around maybe we'll live long enough to grow old together eventually. Maybe in the process we'll both become better people.
I have to tell Raz when his ship comes back into port.
Married life hasn't been all that different than it was before really. But on the whole I think I breathe easier knowing that eventually Toby's going to come home. Except that one time when he left to get bread and eggs and he didn't come home for THREE MONTHS! Yeah, I guess he just forgot his way home and "accidentally" flew off with Plenny and some other people to Krashin, and then took the "long way" home through Belinara. I didn't know what happened to him! First I went looking around the market, but he wasn't there. So I thought maybe he went to the Arms for a drink. Nope, Lily said he wasn't there. So I walked all over the streets trying to find him. Nowhere. So I went home. And the next day I looked again. And then again. And after a week he still hadn't come home, so I figured he must've just left again like he did before.
So, I thought maybe that was just the end of it. And then 3 months later he comes waltzing in like nothing happened, and he expected me to be mad at him. He wanted me to be mad at him! And I just didn't have it anymore. I felt like when he walked in I could finally breathe again. He was save, and he actually came home. But it hurt so much between when he left and when he came back, thinking he'd never show up again, or maybe he changed his mind about marrying me, or maybe he ran off with some other girl, or maybe Kali showed back up after all this time and he couldn't help himself.
And then he was mad that I wasn't mad. And so he pushed me into being mad. And then I was mad. Like... really mad. He said he was going to stay the night at the Arms, and I just saw red. I threw all of his clothes out in the street. I figured, if he was just going to walk out again because he couldn't handle me not fighting with him, well then, he'd get a fight.
And afterward I felt pretty horrible. Fighting with Toby's just different than with anyone else.
I actually don't like fighting with him.
Nym came back.
I don't know what it is with people showing up when I don't think I"ll ever see them again. He was just there. In my living room. Just looking at me.
And then I couldn't breathe. It was like all the air got sucked out of the room somehow and I was feeling strangled and everything that had dissipated since he left just flooded back so fast. Every way that hurt and every way that I missed him and every way that I loved him. And I felt like I was drowning.
I told him I was married. I didn't tell him to hurt him, but it did. I could see it. It hurt him, and seeing him hurt made it feel like the water was rising over my head even more.
And then Toby came home and they started yelling at each other and threatening each other. And Toby told him to leave, and I wanted to scream or run or anything and all I could do was just stand there stupid because none of it would come out. And then I boomed them. I didn't want to see them fighting.
And then I left. I went to a corner and I wished I could disappear into the walls.
Nym came in and told me he had five minutes to talk to me alone before he had to go. The closer he got to me, the harder it was to breathe. And he told me things that I can't bring myself to write in here. But I know he loves me. Even though he can't say it. Even though he tries to tell me how much it's a curse or that it's against his will.
And he told me that since he saved my life, I owe him a debt.
And then he was gone again, and Toby was there. And Toby hugged me. And I could breathe again.
It got harder and harder to breathe. Toby didn't trust me and he kept acting like I was just going to go run off and be with Nym instead of him. When is he ever going to get it in his head that I love him? I mean, come on, I married him, right?
So, I lied to him. I told him I was going to have a meeting with one of my tailors and I would be back in a few weeks. I thought he bought it. But I didn't really have a meeting, and I went and looked for Nym. Maybe it was stupid given everything that happened, but I needed to breathe again without thinking that there was something else there that I was supposed to be doing or someone else I needed to love or be worried for.
Toby told me that Nym invaded Voltrex. So when I found him, I made him tell me the truth. I made him tell me all of it. And he told me. He told me how he was with the group responsible for the volcanoes and how he killed people simply because he's a dark elf, and that's what dark elves do. I asked him if anything he ever told me was true. He said no. I don't know what happened, but I was just so angry that I jumped up and told him that I didn't want to owe him anything. Even if it was him telling me to be happy. I don't want a monster telling me that I have to be happy because I owe him my life. Well, I figured, if he wanted to be repaid, then he could just take my life again.
And I did something stupid I guess, but I told him to kill me. He wouldn't do it, and he said that he'd only take the one payment. Of course, because goddess forbid he do something that told him to do. And... I just got desperate. I needed to breathe again even if it meant I needed to die. I needed him to let me go. I needed him to be the monster he was and not some romanticised notion that he could be something better, or that there had ever been something good inside him.
There wasn't.
And so he killed me. Or, I guess he tried to?
I guess Toby didn't really believe me also, because he found me there and stopped Nym before he actually did kill me.
I've been such an idiot. I finally at least did something right, though. I picked the right man.
So, no more stupid Zari. No more trying to love monsters that will never be anything but evil. I'm just glad that I have a friend who looked out for me enough to tell Toby it was okay not to trust me. Maybe I can save myself most of the time, but it's nice to have someone who wants to save me. And at least now I know I have someone who won't lie to me the way the dark elf did.
I was getting kind of tired of always writing bad things in this book, so I figured I'd write about something really weird that happened. I mean, not weird as in -weird- weird, but weird in that I really wasn't expecting anything like this to happen and it's kind of funny weird or just... odd. So anyways, I was on my way through Center because I needed to go talk to Danny so that I could dicuss a business proposition about my clothing designs, but instead of Danny I ran into... I think it's Danny's oldest kid? Charlie maybe? Anyways, so he's acting all shy and stuff and told me he had to apologize to me for something. Well I don't remember him ever saying or doing anything to me that would require an apology, so that struck me as odd to begin with, and then he said something that -really- made no sense at all. He apologized for calling me blonde to Toby. Uh... okay? I AM blonde, so what does that have to do with the price of beads in an Ilsarean market in Hlint? Pits, Toby's blonde too... and so is Raz. Are you seeing a trend here? Oh yeah, and so is his daddy. So... I'm still not really understanding why the apology for that. Then he told me that it was because he called me blonde, meaning I was dumb. That made even less sense. Since when does the color of a person's hair have any bearing on their intelligence at all? I mean, again, Raz is blonde and he's one of the smartest people I know... if not THE smartest person I know (though I DID beat him in chess once!) So, I sort of asked him why he was apologizing in the first place and he told me in not so many words that it was because his Daddy made him, but then he changed his mind and said he was apologizing because it was the right thing to do. Well, I don't know about that, but the whole thing was just silly. He wanted me to tell Toby for him what he said about being sorry, but I'm not going to let him off the hook for it that easy. I mean... I still don't really get the connection from him calling me stupid by telling me what color my hair is... when I wasn't even there, but maybe he's lacking a little bit of intelligence himself because he doesn't understand that hair really doesn't have anything to do with smarts? Poor kid. And then on top of everything, if he called -me- stupid, why does he have to apologize to Toby? If anything, he should be begging Toby not to punch him. He said he didn't know what sort of hold I have over Toby, but I sure do. It's called love.
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Topic: Of Style and Flare (Read 691 times)
