Razeriem-Yet to be named.

[Aerimor]

Last will and testiment of Razeriem Greytree

Be it know that it is my wish and desire for my funds and possessions to be divided as follows:

Lealue- The sum of 20,000 true and my favorite story book I had as a child.  My parents will provide it from storage at their residence.

My second daughter- My spellbook and journal (Once Jaelle is done with it.)  I also leave her my favorite blanket (also in storage at my parents.)

My parents- May you be better grandparents to your grand daughter Lealue than you were parents to me.  I hope you make the time make her feel as special as she is.  She is a very bright and beautiful little girl.

Alatriel, the one friend that always tried to be there for me- all monies left after paying any due fees and Lealue's inheritance, to be used to giv eyour child everything it has not had over these last few years. My heart goes out to him.

Jaelle, life's greatest high and lowest low- My journal (to be passed to our daughter when she is of age,) The letter you wrote me, that is inserted in this page.  And a wrapped box that you once presented to me when you foolishly let your guard down far enough to love a cursed elf.

Aerimor, the angry druid and Alatriel's love- I leave my favorite card deck for the card emporium.  I challenge him to find a better tweak than I run and challenge him to win more games than I did.  Maybe it will help mellow him out to have to do something mindless for a while.  Being too serious is a fault.

Ayana, my once friend with a new chance at life- I leave her a blue rose and the Exceptional Fire Agate ring in my posessions.  Along with my thanks for what might of been and the sight of her in a dress that I will carry to my grave.

Ami, my teacher and my heart's desire-  I leave her my bracers of the sword dancer and my enchanted iron rapier.  I hope Calvin loves you as much as I feel I always have.  Thank you for giving me purpose and aptitude with a blade.  Our moment that almost was will burn in my heart forever.

Elohanna, a passing ear and kind lady that was pleasant troubel in her time.- I leave the outfit of blue that she had created for me from scratch.  My clothes always looked better on her than me anyway.

Daniella, we had an odd friendship, but I always envied your drive and convictions- I leave my traveling gear, jewelry and lion bags.  May they carry you on your path.  Do not forget that life without love is like duty without honor.

Anne Ravenwind, a lady of remarkable drive and determination-  I leave one flattened and dried red rose and the confirmation I took your secret to my grave and never put one finger over the line of our agreement.  I only wished you'd of given me a chance.

Tod, my moody friend- I know you disliked me as often as you admired me. - I leave you my respect and admiration. Tell Alatriel to take you to a bakery on her.  I did attempt to look out for you, I never tried to put you in a situation I thought would leave you hurt, scared or worse off for the experience.

Amanda, a constant reminder of the beauty in life- I am afraid I would hurt Caerwyn if I left you anything.  So I merly leave you my wish that you continue to see the world through your wonderfully beautiful eyes.  May the evil and heartbreaks of the world always fall beneath your feet or at least your heart.

Elgon, another angry Druid-  I can not find forgivness in my heart for you even in death.  But now that I am gone and my desires fading with the wanning moon.  I hope you heart find the peace, balance and acceptance that I associated with druids before coming to know you and Aerimor.  I charge you with being as good of a god father as possible.  That little girl deserves better, better than you, me or Jaelle.  But in the end, I guess Jaelle and you will be enough.

Ellis, another strong woman who I admire and pitty- May you find a love the will once again make your heart fly as true as your arrrows.  I am sorry I was never able to prove my honorable intentions.

Gala and Sil- May your love be as strong as I always saw it to be. Even if you were both afraid of a simple kiss.

Ophelia-  Thank you.

Kali- I grant you my forgivness.  Even though I feel you helped pushed me on the path to my demise.  I would of done the same for my child.  May yours grow healthy and free of Her influence.

To everyone- May you find your loves and hang on with both hands as they return the devotion to you two fold.  May you each be the center of attention to your heart's love.  And please let no hate follow any of you from my passing or the reading and possible gather for my will.  I also would like you each to have a simple light gem.  I never had any skills or aptitude for crafting, but I made each of these gems by my own limited talents.  May their light always shine when your heart faces darkness.


This is the wish and last will of Razeriem,

Signed by my own hand and dated this day *date printed*,

Razeriem the Romantic

[Aerimor]

As the days go by I realise just how alone I am.  Noone ever has any more than a passing word for me.  Caerwyn would as soon gut me than save me from a monster. Everyone always questions my motives and assumes I am nothing more than a hedonistic, simpleton that only looks out for his own needs.

I am not am I?  No, I know I am not.  The better question might be why not become what they think me? It would have to hurt less? I am tired of caring for and not being cared about.  But truth it I do not think I'd like myself or living if I became such a shell of what I was only a few years ago.  If there was only an easy way out, some damsal in distress that I could die in valiant effort to save.  So my children could think me a hero instead of a failure.  A champion instead of a hedonist.  A victim instead of a coward.  I do not think I'd be long for this world if not for my daughters.  I feel that I would be abonding them if I left. But the darker voice reminds me, i offer them nothing they do not already have.  Am I really just attempting to cling to my claim of father to them for my own needs to prove I could be a better parent than my parents? Jaelle obviously thinks so. I think Lealue's whole family now believes me unblanced, but recognise the joy that being with my daughter brings me.  So they accept my visits and tell them its good for Lea to know her father and no harm will come of it.  But as she gets older, will my exsistance not confuse her?  Will it cause more questions than my exsistance bring joy?

Life was easier when I was inside a bottle.  But I will not live there again, a nights relapse I can forgive, but if it becomes habit..  I will not live that imitation of life again, whatever the cost.

Is there a more misunderstood soul alive?  I only want to love, be loved and enjoy life.  Instead I wake from reverie with a heavy heart, practice with my blade for unhealthy lengths of time and seek to kill as many goblins as I can stumble over.

I should never of talked to Jaelle about my desperate hope.  That look she gave me when she denounced everything i am, was and meant to her in the past with a simple "no."  I think it might of broke me then and there except i refused to give her the satisfaction.  If my life ends, let it be in an unamed hole where noone will find me.  Let her wonder if I will return some day.  Or if I started a new life.  

For now, I still do not understand what I am suppose to do to appease Mist, and she certianly is not interested in showing me.  She use to throw her faithful my way, now they seem to avoid me.  Maybe Alatriel was right, maybe I should never put any faith in the gods, especially one i never had any good feelings for.  Maybe I should of just walked away that night and tried to start a new life.

I could of studied magic again and seen if I truely had any real promise.  Heck with my luck and inability to do as desired, I'd of ended up a necromancer.  Hardly a dashing prospect.  Those guys are always so pale, with oily hair and bad teeth!  And they always talk like they went to a school for the criminally anerving. *deep chuckle*  Ah, my child, let me show you the way.-- I mean is it a requirment to summon undead that you talk like you are mentally stunted the rest of the time?  I swear if I ever end up as a necromancer I would be the only one with good hair, sparkling teeth and enough skin tone that i am not translucent!

Hmm Side-tracked, where was I?
I am just so disillusioned with life, hurt, alone and weary. Maybe the only way I can make anyone happy is to let them collect on my will? I just don't know.

But for kicks, I have had that negative energy burst copied into my book for ages and never mastered it.  Guess I always thought I was better than it because it was necromantic.  But I see how useful Death Armor can be.  So maybe its time I go master those two spells and see if I suddenly have to refer to others as 'My child.'  If nothing else it will give me something to do besides the same ole thing.

~Raz

[Aerimor]

*New journal-starts fresh*

Anne is gone.

Daniella told me she truely serves Corath now and is evil.

She just needs a reminder of her goals, duties, loves and path.  She needs me to find her.  She needs me to remind her.  

Daniella does not understand.  I was afraid to tell her.  Afraid for her to think or me with pitty or weakness.  But I will tell her again so she understands this time.  Greater good.

Daniella thinks Anne is 90% Evil 10% Good and wishes to save her.
Daniella will try to compel her with speaches on duty, honor, service and the light of Toran.
Daniella is wrong.

Anne always danced with the line between performing good and evil, but always did what was best for the greater good.  Even now if she is working truely for Corath she is only one step off that line between good and evil, she only needs one nudge back onto path.

And duty and honor is good for the mind, but she needs to be reminded of her heart.  That is where true motivation resides.  And the heart is moved by only hate and love.  Anne needs to feel love again as she walks in darkness.  She needs the light to remain within her to walk her path.

I never shared this with anyone, but I think I will have to explain to Daniella how things were, how they are.  So she will tell me where Anne went.  So I can put Anne onto path again.  So Anne can complete her walk in darkness in the name of Toran.

When I first found Anne, it was because I was captured by the Corathites serving under her.  They eventually brought me to the alter to be sacrificed.  And Anne, their high priestess came to the table to perform yet another ritual sacrifice.  When I finally looked up and saw her face, I could see how much of herself she gave to fooling those around her into thinking she was a Corathite.  She was already on the edge of slipping into darkness.  After a long moment when many emotions filtered briefly across her eyes, I could see more than I cared to.  She ordered me released, claiming she knew me personally and would see that I suffered daily and find no quick escape through death.  And she did, for weeks.  I was forced to follow her around and wait on her hand and foot.  On serveral occasions when I did something wrong I was whipped by her hand.  I noticed that took a toll on her.  A piece of her was lost each time she whipped me or sacrificed another in the name of Corath.

Eventually one night after such a beating, I told her I forgave her.  That I saw what it took out of her and I thanked her for sparing my life.  A couple days later she seemed in better spirits, behind closed doors.  Something as small as having a foolish fop appreciate what she was sacrifcing in the name of the Greater Good.  We started to talk behind closed doors more and more.  She trusted me with little pieces of information.  And eventually she shared her burden with me.  I began recruiting victims to be sacrificed by her hand on Coraths alter.  And afterwards, she would raise them and arrange for me to sneak them out by wagon.  Where I would give them some money to start life anew.  And that is how things went for months.  Everytime she raised them, if they saw her they looked upon her with only hatred and fear.  They never realised it was only because of her that they lived again.  That they had a chance to realise how precious life is.

So as time went by again, even with someone to partially confide in and I have no doubt she kept more secrets than she shared, the tolls weighed upon her heart again.  I was powerless to help her.

Then things went worse, or so I thought.  One of my recruiting missions ended in complete failure.  I fail to bring anyone back with us.  The Corathites with me laughed, knowing I would be punished.  And I was, Anne had no choice.  I was whipped in front of any that cared to watch and there were many.  She did it because she had no choice, she had no room to show weakness.  If she did only more would suffer, so in the name of the greater good, I was punished.  During the whole thing I only feared what it might do to her.  I was hauled off to her quarters and that night when she came, she told me she was sorry, it had to be done.  I told her I understood, that for the greater good I stayed.  I could've left many times.  Our apprecaition for each other grew from that.  And our relationship defined.  She did what she had to do for the greater good and I did what I could for her.

Once when she was growing dark again.  I purposly came back empty handed, knowing she'd have to punish me again.  And she did, but with me it was not like the others.  She no longer grew more attached.  When she was forced to hurt me, it left a bitter taste of remorse in her mouth.  That twisted emotion always shocked her back onto path.  It is not love pure like in the fairy tales.  But her remorse was founded in our mutally appreciation and unspoken love.  Anytime she started to stray form the path, I arranged to spill something or come back empty handed from a recruiting mision.  It always worked, when she hurt me it left her a bitter pill.  She was forced to rexamine her goals and mission.  She never dissapointed either of us.  I was her grounding, her reminder that someone knew, someone cared, and someone loved her.

I will never forget one time when I managed to spill something on a random follower, to earn another beating.  But I picked the wrong target.  Before I could play dumb with the accident, the man was up in a flash and beat me into senslessness.  It turns out he broke a number of bones and managed to put one of my ribs through a lung.  How do they move so fast?  As darkness greeted me I only thought of Anne.  Who would be there for her.

I think it was later that night,  Anne found out in time and had me taken to her quarters, where she quietly bled a deal of healing magic into me.  To ensure I survived.  I remember tears falling hot on my cheek before I passed out again.

Later that night, or the next or the one after that.  I awoke to the screams of agony.  I could hear in the distance a man screaming in utter agony.  Many time when I awoke over that day and the following, I could hear his hoarse screams.  When I recovered enough to realise my surroundings, I discovered Anne had placed me in her bed while she either slept beside me or on the floor.  The pallet that was my normal sleeping area.  It was a long time before she went into a dark funk again.  I guess the scare of losing myself, her only real life line, did wonders for keeping her on path.  Weeks later when I asked who the Corathite that near killed me was so that I could avoid him.  She simply said there would be no need.  The terrible screams I heard,  now I knew whose they were.  I believe she made it clear I was hers and hers alone to punish.  Because after that, while the followers would laugh and torment me with threats, they never laid a finger on me.  When my health was restored, I told her she would have to beat me again or they might think she went soft.  Two days later, she did so, and her place was more secure than it ever was.  With the example made of the guy that near killed me, and then me being beat again while than previous scars were still unhealed.  Everyone was careful around the dread priestess.

That's how things went.  I loved her, she loved me, and we never spoke of it.

She subverted Corathite plans where she could.  I was her reminder of life.

She killed and raised people in the name of Corath to allow her to continue her subvertions.  I recruited them.  I never brougth her children, even if it meant I returned empty handed.  I snuck them out and gave them money for a new life.

She spared Daniella, Mr Stormhaven and Lance's life when they were captured.  I took the fall for beign the one to arrange their escape.  She whipped me, and I took the beating with pride.

She was strong, and followed Toran.  I was who I am.

Then the end came.  The Toranites decided to attack the temple.  Anne arranged for me to be out of the way.  Made me promise to trust her, to go while I could, to have faith she had a plan and would get out alive.  And she spoke aloud what we always danced around.  She admitted she loved me.  I told her the words, that my heart had already spoke to her for years.  I did as she asked and I took the last load of ressurected to start their new life.  Anne arranged for the Toranites to gain easy access to the temple.  Anne then surrendered without a fight to Dubois, Daniella and crew.

Anne was taken and locked in the Toranite temple.  I tried to gain access to her, but they barred me at every turn.  She was alone.  I was not there for her.  I taught her to trust in another and then I failed to be there for her when she needed me.  Dubois had her killed without trial.  I started trying to find Dubois, to find her body to have  her raised.  Daniella found Dubios first.  And Anne found them both.  Daniella said Dubois learned from Anne.  That he walked the dark line that she danced upon.  Obviously he was not as strong as Anne, for he failed.

Daniella said Anne found the two of them after they fought each other.  Daniella was sent to bring Dubois in to answer for his crimes.  Daniella said Anne arrived with followers of Corath.  Daniella said she felt evil radiate from Anne.  Daniella said Anne ordered her followers to take Dubois where she promised he would suffer for a long time.  Daniella said Anne ordered her life spared, so she was left in a pool of blood alive while Anne left with Dubois.  Daniella won't tell me where Anne went.

Daniella thinks Anne is 90%, 10% good for sparing her life.  She is wrong, Anne is only a step away from good, one step.  I must find her.  To remind her of her path.  To be a spark of light in the darkness she travels through.  If I do not get to Anne and she lets her hate for Dubois grow, if she feeds her vengence by prolonging his death.  It is her heart that will pay.  Right now she is confused, and feels betrayed.  She probably can not figure out how Toran would allow his church to put her to death when she serves him so faithfully.  And now Corath's whispers of vengence and revenge sound sweet.  But while Toran and Corath play their games for their pawn.  There is no one there for her in this realm.  

I must find Anne, I must shock her back onto her righteous path.  She is the strongest person I have ever known.  But in this hour she needs the help and the love of a friend. She does not need to hear of duty and honor.  She does not need to understand, she needs to feel again.

I should never have left her alone.  I should of remained by her at all costs.  Now I must find her and I must do what only a loving heart can.

~R

[Aerimor]

I have had little luck finding Anne.  I fear that too much time will pass before I find her.  As strong as she is, there is only so much darkness one can wander through before becoming lost.  I continue to hold faith in her and how things will turn out, but I would feel far better if I had some real leads.


I think Daniella knows where to start a search but she won't say anything.  I think she is afraid I will immeditaly run off, without caution and get myself killed or worse.  Truth is I would be careful, I would do Anne no good if I died before I could talk to her.  I will seek alternate avenues.

Sticks had her mark removed by the godl dragon of Voltrex.  The Aeridinites kept her and the chidl safe until that was possible.  Looks like I will have to keep up my end of my bargain.  I sorta said i'd become Aeridin's Champion if his priests kept Sticks and child safe until it was born.  Its obvious he takes great interest in me, why the gods can't keep their fingers off I will not ever understand.  But seems like if I so much as kiss an elf she's pregnant.  Well I hope I look better in white than I fear.  I'll have to add some color thought, obviously if he wanted me as a Champion he had to know I'd help improve his image, change his look.  Improve his image and appeal.  I figure that is what he was after,  some reforms ...and who better than me?  I heard that Aeridinites are not suppose to kill things either... but i think thats a clergy rule.  I am sure his Champions are given more freedom.  I mean to protect life you have to be prepared to take it.  Maybe that's another part of his clergy that has become weak over time.  I think he just wants me to force his followers to open their eyes again and reexamine why they do what they do.  In some cases it should help fortify their beliefs and in others show them they are doing things out of tradition instead of based on merit alone.

Just because you hold life as your highest regard does not mean you have to be afraid to take life.  If you are unwilling to protect life through whatever means are neccesary, then all you do is empower death.  You fear death, allow the fear of death to control your action.  You allow bullies to ruin the quality of life.  You allow monsters to take life.  You allow yourself to be at the mercy of others.  You in essence give the quality and control of your life to whoever is willing to take it by force.  I know I have never been labeled as wise and seldom as bright, but I do not see how anyone can rationalize doing that if they claim life as their highest ideal.  There will always be someone willing to take from you if you are not willing to defend yourself.

But maybe I am just too dumb to see what they do.  In any case, maybe its what Aeridin wanted, maybe he didn't realise what he was getting into or maybe he never noticed and this is all by my own creation.  But I made a deal and I plan to keep it.  I see a cause that needs to be championed.  And as I have known for years, I am no bigger fool than when I am a fool for a belief.

~Raz.

P.S.: White and what color?  I will need something to bring out my hair and eyes.  Noone will listen to a dashing champion that is lost in his own color palate.  And the boots, I will miss my red ones...guess i'll have to go shopping soon.  Sticks should have that child soon and it would be good to have an outfit ready to go. Hmmm as much as I bleed maybe white isn't a good idea....OR maybe I can have it enchanted to not stain!!! That is an idea.

[Aerimor]

Well I did it! i managed to keep my red boots as part of my Champion wardrobe.  After all I am well known for them and wouldn't want to let my fans down.  I finally settled on white pant and shirt, with gold trim.  a white and gold vest with blood red accents.  My boots darkened a bit to blood red and the cape and hood are gold.  I am without doubt the most dashing Champion of any god ever now.  I managed to even impress myself with my fashion abilities.  I thought that much white would be nigh impossible to pull off, but once I worked in the red its was set off beautifully.  I figure White and gold are easy for Aeridin but its the red that makes it work.  And the great part is red stands for the life blood as I see it.  How Aeridinish! I do work wonders, no wonder all the gods are always making appearances in my life.

I have perfected this fantastic leaping attack.  It must strike terror in my foes.  I get a running start and then leap into the air, rapier first...cape billowing out behind me.  With my lead foot out front.  And then stick, bam, boom.  My rapier drives home, up to the hilt.  My foot blasts into them and I bend my knee and spring off to land nearby. Usually Scoring another sword strike while I use them as a spring board.  It has to be the most fantastic attack ever to watch.  I really do wow myself sometimes.  Aeridin has to be patting himself on the back for making the deal. Okay, so my defense isnt nearly are stunning as my outstanding attack routines..but you never hear anyone say. Did you see that dashing elf, stand there and parry that giants all day.  No its about felling the foe.  So what if I loose a few quarts of blood an adventure as long as I look good doing it!  And that enchanting my clothing against staining....brilliant!!!  The money I save in cleaning bills will pay for itself in a few months... I do like to contribute my life blood to the world.  Its that whole cycle of life thing I think?

I got to baby sit Mera, she is so beautiful with those gold eyes and tan skin.  She got to missing Sticks after a while, but I do think we bonded.  I hope I get a few more days with her here and there.  Just as long as I get some quite between visits, she can keep a guy from reverie like only a banshee can.  And it woudn't do for me to walk around with bags under my eyes.  But its worth it, I have my tricks.  I rested for a day after and then applied an oatmeal mask and the ole cucumber on the eyes trick.  I was as good as new.

Met this cute halfling priestess, Tili.  She's a Deliarite.  Good thing Aeridin and Deliar are friendly...at least I think we are?  I really should read up on Aeridin allies and what not...when I have time.  Until them, Champions cut the way, lead their faith and take their god to new places.  Right? She is so smitten she invited me to stay with her for a while.  It was great, that was when Mera got to visit me. Better Tili's house than a rented room.  Tili is a blast, I look forward to seeing a bit more of her.

Went into the desert with Tili, Daniella and Chaynce..right right.  Good to see Daniella again, we have not been crossing paths much as of late.  Tili was a life saver and fun to have around.  And Chaynce is still a jerk...right right.  I guess paladins have to do penance for their wrongs.  And Daniella keeping Anne's lead from me....well i think Chaynce is her penance...right right.  I mean what is the deal with that any way?  Does he like going in circles...right right.  I try to be nice and cordial with him, for Daniella's sake.  I just hope she isn't wrong about him.  He ever hurts her for his dumb arsed pig headed think of himself first ways and we will get to see which of us bleeds more...right right.  He wears all that armor and he still rains red as much as I do.  Oh well, Daniella's a big girl, grown a lot in the decade I've known her.  She can pick her mistakes, or maybe she can get him on some track.  But if he doesn't stop trying to do everything by himself and charging off...well we won't have to worry about him...right right.

Well I am off to fight the good fight, kill something or the other in Aeridin's name or at least look good trying to.

~R

[Aerimor]

I was fooling around in the goblin waste lands the other day and ran into this half giant, Justice.  Not the brightest spell up the sleeve, and not as much fun as Volga.  But he was of the good sort, he was trying to make something of his life.  As usual, I gave the big lug a chance to show what he was made of.  I asked if he wanted to join me in red lights.  Justice obviously prided himself on killing gobblins, so I challenged him to a friendly contest.  Who could kill more goblins on our trip.  After it was obvious he was very talented at this but I was going to be more sucessful, I stopped counting and told him it was a tie.  He said he thought I was cheating in keeping the numbers.  I told him that if he was a Rofy, and he claimed to be such, that its not good practice to call people cheaters or liars without having grounds for it.  In his defense, I just do not think he has the mental ability.  I think he just finds it impossible to believe one raz with a rapier could outkill his hulking duel sword weilding self.  Hopefully i gave him something to think about however.  Because he set me back on to thinking about Aeridin's beliefs and my own.  He asked me if I followed a peace-y god like Aeridin, how could I go out and kill goblins.  I told him of course that to protect life, you had to be prepared to take life.  I would of said more, but I think it would of been lost on the big lug.  But what would I say if it was asked by someone else, Daniella, an official of Aeridin, Aeridin or the worst case, myself.

Its been a while now I should have an answer, and I guess I have had one from the begining.  I just have a moral compass inside, I almost always know what's right and wrong.  We all make mistakes, but that also is part of life.  Living, taking chances and enjoying life. I never try to hurt another, of course some choices in life demand it.

Now that I have been thinking, something i try not to do too often.  I know this to be true, life is a beautiful and dirty thing.  All people kill to survive.  Heck all life will kill to survive.
Trees will crowd each other out for sunlight if given the chance.
People raise animals to be killed and eaten or plants if it soothes their morals.

This is obviously part of life.

For the faitful of Aeridin that would argue, that taking life to live is the influence of other forces, Corath for instance.  That we should strive to harm no living thing.  I have a few thoughts for you as well.

One: Try to live on an empty belly, as I mentioned above.  If your response is that somehow killing plants or non sentiant creatures is acceptable but killing creatures that think is against Aeridin's way or your code.

Two: Life is only valuable if its put to use, if its enjoyed or in short if its lived.  Their is no real value in a life of someone so derranged they can not appreciate living.  Either through fear of ever setting foot outside their dwelling, or becuase they are so dysfunctional the only pleasure they take is in hurting or killing others.  I'd further argue your life is of no value if its not worth defending.  If you do not value your life enough to stand up for yourself against forces that would take your life, then how could you ever claim life is sacred?  If you are not willing to defend your beliefs but simply hand them over to any force that will take them, you do not value life.  If you refuse to defend your life or others, you champion death.  If you think that by submitting to forces that would enslave or kill you serves life, you are a bigger fool than I am.  Even if you believe that since you did not take a life to defend yours and you were able spare theirs as well.  You actually only empowered death,  you let that force steal the quality of your life and others, you freely give away life.  If most people did this, society would fall under tyrany and evil and joyous life would be lost.  I obvious am not saying do not turn the other cheek or seek a peaceful option where one exsists.  But in serious cases, life can only be perserved through the willingness to kill if necesary.

Three: Aeridin himself has shown his thoughts on pacifisim.  I have been doing some reading on Aeridinite tenants, stories and history.  There are a great many fabels, and examples of Aeridinites in the past that show the willingness to do more than just heal.  Healing is romantic, especially among Aeridinties. But as I said, someone has to risk life to defend life.

But Aeridin himself, god of many a pacifist, went to battle.  He fought Corath to end the dark times.  He wounded one who championed death and stole life.  Th dark times lasted for a great many years, we can assume Aeridin attempted to find other means to end the darkness, we can say he tried every peaceful avenue to end the darkness.  And this most likely is true, but also its possible as THE champion of life, he knew death when he saw it and took the first available oppurtunity to restore life.  That without hesitation, he struck against Corath and in a battle of the heavens, Aeridin and Corath both wounded each other and retreated from the battle.  Corath could very well of valued his life too much to risk it at continuing the fight and fled.  Or Aeridin could of triumphed over Corath and spared Coraths life, showing his benevolance and as he turned to leave was stabbed in the back before Corath fled.  I believe the second version or somethign close to it, would be what those idealistic fools who would never raise a finger to defend themselves or others would tell you.  But as much of a romantic as I am, I believe something closer to the first scenario is the truth.  I believe as THE champion of life, Aeridin knows that life must be protected, valued and lived.  That given no peaceful route, he would strike without mercy.

It is somewhere in these beliefs that I believe I Aeridin took avantage of the oppurtunity presented. And grew to favor the idea of me attempting to be a Champion of Life in his name.  I believe either through only my own actions, my own history, my own experiences, I was ready to take the mantle of Champion of Life.  Or through the subtle influences of the gods and Aeridin I was set into motion to arrive at this place.

I know my heart weighed heavy for years after recruiting people to be sacrifised in the name of Corath.  Even though their lives were restored and it was no more than a thumb in the eye of Corath.  But it wasn't until recently that I shirked the burden my heart had been carrying.  As did Anne, I took the hard road to do the greater good.  I did not stand by while life was lost and evil grew, as foolish as I acted and lucky as I was, I was acting as a champion of life, love and good.  It does seem luck favors the fool.

I also through those years announced myself loudly as an enemy of Corath and evil.  I also know that my personal quest, my personal fight against Corath is to return Anne to light and life.  To return the woman I love from the darkness she fought her entire life against.

If someone ever reads this and thinks I am growing up, I beg to differ.  I am only putting words to what my heart has always know.  If you want to be special in life, if you want to live and love.  You have to be willing to walk the path less traveled, bear the brambles and thorns of trails unused.  You have to open your heart to love and hurt.  For both are part of a life well lived.  Okay maybe I have learned to not be so wreckless in battle.  And maybe the slings of life have made it harder to love so wrecklessly, so fully.  But I continue to walk my path, to fight for what I believe, even if all too often I find I walk my path alone and too seldom cross paths with others.

That as often I find bullies or mean spirits you would prefer to stand by the way-side and say you can't survive the path, that you are not worthy to walk the path, that you path leads to damnation, that only their path is true.  But I will continue to try to ignore those whose own path wore them down, lead them in circles or to bitter fruit.  I have no room for the Storolds of the world to tell me I am meaningless because I did not arrive by the path they traveled.

~R

//The page appears to of been ripped out carefully, balled up, smoothed out, folded in half and returned to this place in the journal.//

[Aerimor]

Got into a fight witht the party I was traveling with.  Hedessa, Ben, Sala, Jako, Elohana and Caerwyn.  When Caerwyn should up, I called him a wanna be nceromancer and made a few people made. Got told to prove it.  I told them all of out adventure in the desert where Caeryn wanted to control a mummy and have it work for him.  He is such a putz.  I also told them he was not a good person or even a nice one.  That he is always bullying people if he can get away with it. He just kisses the arse of every hero with a big name.  He is such a two faced scumy dufus.  I told him the stories of how he wouldn't leave Amanda alone after the break up.  The story of how he always tried to bully me and threatened to kill me.  I told him the stories of how he is always thinking of himself and sabotages groups, I am amased anyone let shim in a group.   Cept the big names, he is a good boot licker.  Elohana and Sala were the biggest opponents.  Sala hates me because I call Storold a bully and a mass murderer.  Guess she just doesn't like the truth.  She got mad and stomped off when she kept interuppting when I was giving support for my accusations and told her to shush.

Elly hurt my feelings the most, she says she's an Aeridinite and when I, a Champion of Aeridin tell her that Caerwyn is a necromantic symapthiser if not full out wanna be necromancer she jumps all over me. I give her support and since its all what I said verseus him just standing there and saying.... I never said that, I don't do that, I never stalk people, I only threatened to kill you as a joke.  Anyway, she completly takes his said believing his every word.  Well sorry I made a deal with Aeridin for now, and I am not going to just accept an arse fo a necromancer and pretend he is my buddy.

Well I'm ticked at Ben too, that's twice now he said he refuses to beleive me.  Said Storold has to be a good guy because people say he is.  And he never said why he sided with Caerwyn, but I know why.  Its because he is afraid to stand up.  he wants to be part of a group so badly he will think what they think, do what they do, just to not cause a stir.  And since Sala and Ely took Caerwyn's side, that means I am the trouble maker.

Well guess I have two fewer friends for now. Think I am down to two friends and three want to be's if its not too much trouble for them that day.

[Aerimor]

I got to go on an adventure with a group of people that didn't all hate me.  It was a wonderful experience.  I forgot how much fun it can be.  Was just a few of us, Steel, Jaelle, Sticks and Drexia.

J and Sticks seem awefully buddy buddy, kinda scarey.  j doesn't look at em with lighning bolts in her eyes anymore, thats kinda scarey.  I wonder what she is thinking now.  Before I at least knew she'd prefer I dissapeared or had a long voyage on a sinking ship.  i know better than to think she has forgiven me for trying to love her.  No way she could of went through enough growth to face that fear.  Heck maybe she is on the path, maybe in a few hudred more years she may come out of her ivory tower and try to love someone.  Well other than her daughter.  And I saw her, because its obvious I will never have the slightest contact or influence with her.  She has to wait 110 years to read any letter I write to her!! Could you imagine the storm of spells that would descend upon me if I actually talked to her?

Oh ya where was I, so J wasn't looking at me like a lightning rod.  Sticks is my best friend.  Steel has always been good to me.  And Drexia is very attractive and very shy.  Poor girl must of been raised in a monestary.  She fights and moves with such grace and confidence but is as akward as an adolescent with the opposite sex.  She really could use a sweet guy to draw her from her shell.  I know I am not the right guy for that type of approach, too much history for one so naive.  But I did flirt, if nothing else for her to her the words she is beautiful, so that she knows she is desirable, so she has some experience speaking with a guy.  Even if she just throws up a wall and hides behind it for now, its experience in anycase.  Maybe one more brick on that wall will be torn down.  And she will be that much closer to finding love, life and happiness

Anyway, I don't really remember what we did, it was just the being with others and havign fun I really remember.  There were giants and trolls and stuff, but they wer enot the important part.  I hope I get to be part of something like that again.  It was wonderful fo rmy spirits even if Drexia offered to rearrange my anatomy if I kissed her.  I thin next time I may and take the trip to the bind stone. Might do her enough good down the road to suffer it. Would be better if I knew someone her speed to fix her up with.  Would be a very enjoyable two or three decades watching them broach the subject of hand holding.

~R

[Aerimor]

Found out what I'd look like as a female, and by all the hells I'd be smokin.

This woman is heart stop in your chest and drop dead beautiful, blonde hair, gold eyes, curves and ears.  And she told me my dad had a second secret life and that is why he was never home.  And she is my half sister.  And my mom is pregnant.  And I am not suppose to desire her.  And until she gets set up on her feet in Mistone she wants to share a room with me.

I'd write more, but I can't think right now.  My dad had two lives.  My mom is pregnant, a dream girl wants to live with me, but thinks I am her brother.

[Aerimor]

So I have had time to figure things out, well some things.  So Zarianna and I share the same father.  A father that appearently had two lives at least for a while.  One where mom and our household was the primary life and one where Zari and her mother had him i'm guessing about a third of the time.  

No wonder he never had enough time to show me any  attention.  Not when I had events I wanted to go to on the weekends, not when I was in the play.  Guess it makes sense now, but a kid doesn't think like that, he just doesn't understand.   He thinks he just isn't important enough to be worth the attention.  And then after giving up having more than a shell life at home, he ended up walking out on Zari and her mother.  What a *foul word*.  I don't know, it might of been easier if he just liked Zari and her mom better but was not man enough to break things off with mom.  At least then ... Hells I don't know.  But I don't think I can ever forgive him.

And I don't know what to think about mom, she had to of known, didn't she?  I mean maybe she had no proof, but she had to of known? And she was obviously hidding from it and went into a shell.  Guess that's why she was a zombie mom so often, just didn't know what to feel.  Lucky I took to looking out for myself at a young age or I might of ended up being one messed up individual.  Yes I know I am not exactly normal, but at least I am function.  I care, I don't just pretend things are nto happening to keep some bubble or normality.  And according to Zari Mom is pregnant again.  But she knows knows now.  Does that mean she forgave him?  I sent her a letter, guess i will have to wait to hear what is going on.  I know they are my parents and they saw that I had everything material I ever wanted, and had all the studies, events and trips any kid could want.  But I don't know if Ican forgive either of them.  I wrote them off decades ago, Knew I was an orphan in all but name.  Now that I know the cause, I am not sure if that makes it better, worse or just named.

I am going to have a sibling, do I need to rescue it? I sure do not want anyone else to grow up in the loveless family I did. I will try to be smart here, wait and think things out.  Good thing there is an ocean in the way.  Zari is wonderful, a bit off kilter like me I guess.  Victim of a broken family caused by dad.  But like me she found a way to deal with it, a way to be someone.  I am sad to hear she left Voltrex to come looking for me, now she can not return.  But I am thrilled to have her in my life.  She is easy to love.  I do not think of her as a sibling, after all we shared virtually nothing from the man other than the act.  She even has a differant last name, one he created for his other life.  i think of her as more of a soul mate.  Besides the obvious physical simularities we live life a lot alike.  We moved in together, it odd but very refreshing to have someone in my daily life that i believe will always be a part of my life.  And I do think she will be a part of it until my end.  She is soo much like me a couple decades ago.  It makes my heart smile.

On other news, Zari is a sorceress, and a better one than I am a mage.  So I refocused my studies to wizardry.  Can't have her completly able to outperform me in the Al'noth.  Its started to pay off already, a little.  I am able to cast a couple more spells each time I study.  And they last a little longer, thats where I really need to focus.  But i know it takes lots of practice and study.  Other than that I looked through my spells and realised how many I just don't use, just have no desire to use.  And I figured out the ones I really rely on and the ones that bring me pleasure to use.  

I really like the flashy evocation spells, even discovered a little spell called Gedlee's Electric Loop, not too shaby.  Zari liked it so much she has mastered it as well, works wonders for her.  I am going to start focusing my studies there, see if I can make them flash brighter, boom louder and burn hotter.  But not to exclusivity, too many spells in the world, I love my hastes, foxes, cats, bullls, and color sprays.  I remember talks of speciality wizards in school.  Evokers, I always remember thinking they had to be the best, all those beautiful fireballs, lightning storms and booming claps.  Was kicked out before I was able to ask any real questions about it.  I wonder how its done.  If its just a matter of dedication or what.  I think I will ask around.  Maybe you just have to declare it and then just focus on those spells and the rest kinda happens on the way.  Kinda like my Swashbuckling.  I was a montage of fighting styles, knew how to use all sorts of weapons armors and shields.  But until I picked that dashing weapon and a style, that was my weakness. I was nothing special in everything.  How I hate to be nothing special.  I never regret all the training and practice that has went into my rapier and swashbuckling.  

I bet that's how its done, maybe I will find an evoker, get a few tips and while I am hitting the books, dedicate myself to Evocation spells.  Even if I do not become an "evoker"  I bet the dedication will pay off, I bet those spells will become more powerful, and those are the best spells.  Well there we have it, I am an Evocation Specialized, Swashbuckling, Champion of Aeridin that is in love with a Corathite Dread Priestess!  Well I always feared being normal; I guess I don't have to worry about that any more.

~R

P.S.: Anne I miss you, I will never give up on you.  You are in my heart always.

[Aerimor]

Wow, been busy.  The days are a rush.  I have been really into studying my wizardry.  Really into it.  Had a couple insights and what do you know, able to master a few new spells.  New I was good at it, just have to actually read those books.

Remet a wonderful woman.  Sasha.  Heck if she has a last name I don't know it.  I ran into her months ago in the troll platty mines.  She was pretending she wasn't interested at first.  But I think she was just head set on platty, but with persistance and charm we ended up fighting our way out together and her taking time to actually take measure of me.

Well I ran into her in a group I was with.  She was even more splendid than the first time. She has arms as big as my thighs, and the way she weild's a bastard sword is something to behold.  But its that twinkle in her eye that really makes my heart smile.  She is all combat focused, eye to detail in the field.  But when she is just Sasha, not battlefield commander there is a side of her I think most miss and few appreciate.  She has a wry sense of confidence and humor.  I think she knows she is too disciplined in most things and seeks an outlet in her personal life.  Luckily for me its in men of fun loving nature and questionable character.  There really is two sides to Sasha, and while being in the combat with her is something to behold, but all of her walls are up, she has little time for anything but discipline and order.  But its in the personal arena when her guard is down, that her true beauty is obvious.

In any case we are hitting it off well, went on a few dates and had a number of training sessions, where she tossed me around her gym.  She may be stronger and more experienced in combat but I am quicker, trickier and more cunning.  At least I keep telling myself that.  In anycase I am not above using all the misdirection and questionable tactics I can devise.  If i am not careful I might pick up a few useful moves as well.  It does force me to use what I know in new avenues.  I always rely on movement, speed and misdirection in battle, its more of the same in our encounters.  

Well I am smitten and I seem to be the release to her highly discipline otherside, so we make an interesting and enjoyable pair for now.  We will see what becomes as the days turn.  I am off to ask her the the Hemsptead Magey Tower thingy grand Gala.  I have a suit ready to go, just have to hope she has not accepted another offer.  I mean there is no way she can say no if she has not already commited!

Bought a house in Leringard and got a room all set up for Mera.  Ella says she can spend the night once in a while. I am so happy about this, happy enough to deal with the diapers even.  Ewwww.

Zari seems a bit out of sorts as of recent.  I think it was from Aeronn's death, he was going to be her date to the gala.  I am trying to cheer her up, but I think she needs a new project, a new guy.  She started a clothing store and its doing incredibly well.  Told you she had my eye for fashion.  I really care for her, in some ways its like she is my oldest friend and I have known her for only months.

Well I am off to buy a new belt, I am so broke.

~R

[Aerimor]

Well all the studying has been paying off.  Can cast more spells and they last longer than before.  Now working on blending it in with my swordplay again.  Some spells definatly work better than others for my style.  I am not a stand in the back kinda mage.  Color Spray and Haste still are worth as much as a good shampoo, but I am really begining to appreciate an occasion badda-boom in the mix.  Need to learn one of those spells that knock everyone down in an explotion of light and force.


I do tend to focus on spells and blade moves that win a fight instead of a battle.  After all what good is dying with all your spells uncast?  Not for me, I do what it takes to win that fight i am in.  If I win all the little fights, chances are I'll when the battle anyway.  

I think spending time with Sasha has contributed to this philosophy.  I wouldn't tell anyone else, but she's a better fighter than I am.  So to keep her from figuring that out.  I change up my tricks of the trade.  Be amazed what a haste on me and a slow on her does for evening the field!  Had to invest in some better strength items to bring that gap closer.  That is paying off too, both in my real fights and the occasional spar with Sasha.  Not many expect someone as fleet of foot and dashing as myself to have such punch.  In any case, wish she opened up a bit more.  She is serious an aweful lot, no wonder she needed some style and fun in her life.

Overall life is good, and I am happy.  I think Zari found someone to focus on for a while.  I am happy for that, she has too beautiful a heart to be sad.  Picking up fighting tips from Sasha and making a few of my own improvisations.  Making major head way in my wizardliness, don't even mind the studying when I am not told I have to do it.  I like thinking it all through, figuring out the nuiances.  Those are the type of problems I am good at,  its when I have to react off the cuff.  I usually say or do what comes to me..and that often gets me in trouble.  Even if I mean well.  I even started Infusing.  I know a lot of people say its not as good as enchanting or scribing...but I like it.  

--someone's at the door, more later---

~R

One thing I did want to add... another customer for Zari's clothing shop.  Wow she is doing fantastic... I miss Anne a lot.  I just wish I knew how she was, that she is okay.  You think she would of been able to send some word to me by now...if everything was alright.  She does too much alone, I am sure she is just completly comitted to whatever she is doing and rarely thinks of me.  I just hope that when she does, its fondly.  It still kills me that that Toranite killed her without trial and she was alone.  That I was not with her.  I know that's what caused her to snap, but she did focus on the one responsible and let Daniella go.  She has had so much time since then to find her heart, her love, to return to Toran's light.  I have to believe no matter how into the depths of darkness she now is, that at least that all important spark is still carried within her.  As I have always said, she is the strongest person I have ever know.  I miss and love her dearly.

[Aerimor]

She loves me.  I have no doubt now that it is love.  She is always so focused and dedicated to her beliefs and her weapon.  Hours of practice and and concern over that Wyrm of hers.  I always had the doubt that Sasha was with me only because I was convientant.  Someone she felt confident that wouldn't confuse her priorties, insist on life changes or make demands of change.  While this may be true, that known or unknown to her, I am someone that can offered companionship without demanding to be the most imporant thing in her life. I know she does love me.  *drawn happy face*

She was sent some very nice relics from a cursed Rofie city or something.  Apparently they are now bound to her.  She either has to give them to another to be cursed, return them to the city or die to their guardians.  Apparently the items are a location fix to the cities' guardians and allow them to be summoned to her.  The guardians seem mindless and intent on killing the owner.  At least i hope they are mindless, the relics will never get back to the island if they kill the owners.  She'd hand them to the guardians if they'd return them to their resting place...but that whole only intent on killing the owner thing.  Anyway she is planning on calling in a lot of favors and forming a party to breach its walls and guardians, to find from where the relics were stolen and return them.  

Someone powerful hates or respects her greatly.  To send her those items...they had to know the danger.  I think it was one of those Rofies, thought they were saving old relegious items, awoke the curse and found someone to ditch it on.  She's tring to make some order of the Wyrm thingy and most of them hate her.  Seems she was forced to serve Big Red at some point. And I guess even if its against your will that's a big no no for a goldy follower.  So they treat her like dirt even though the most important things to her are duty, honor and earning her way as a wyrmling.  So I think someone sent her those items as a way of getting out of hot water themselves AND justifying to themselves it was her test.  That no matter how dangerous it was alright, because she is less than they are because she was a forced Fisty.  I'd like to get ahold of that person for a while.... they'd be eating gruel through a straw for weeks.

Where was I ..so she didn't try to protect me and tell me I couldn't go.  She never tells me I can't be involved in things that are important to her.  She always tries to keep me off the front line, but does not get upset when that doesn't happen.  

Like a little while ago we both went to the dragon isle's and were helping fight back the minotaurs in their attacks on humanity.  Anyway things went bad, lots of islanders died and the minotaurs seiged the fort in caesin where we returned to.  Biggest, most organized group of minotaurs I have ever seen.  Anyhow... We made counter strikes from the gates into swarms of them.  Sasha of course was in the thick of it.  I was picking my fights and fighting awesomely, not even a scratch!!!  And then I was looking up at Sasha from the ground.  They say a number of us got caught in a wail of the banshee.  Blasted minotaurs and I was doing so splendidly.  It was during those next moments I had any doubts removed that she loves me.  Called me foolish and heroic... I get called that a lot.  She hugged and kissed me...that happens a lot too.  And then she called me a dunderhead.  I am not sure what it that is, but from her lips it was a term of endearment.  She do not scold me for fighting and did not try to stop me from fighting against the next wave.  She just reminded me to be careful and to _not_ die...i get that ALL of the time.

Her respect and faith paid off for us both.  After all, if she'd of tried to treat me as an inferior.  We both well know I'd of been in the forefront of the next wave weak or not, fighting for all I was worth.  And they hit so hard....but I can be a bit stubborn and rash at times.  But she did not, and therfore I did not have to be an idiot.  I started off fighting them with the rest, but quickly determined I could do more good helping the others in more subtle ways.  I casted an invis on myself started throwing hastes on Sasha and others.  She of course took on the thick of them, very bitter sweet.  She can deal blows like noone else I have seen fight, but she over commits to offense and suffers too many stinging hits.  I threw potions as fast as I could and more hastes and in the end Sasha and our fighters remained mauled and standing and the minotaurs retreated.  Her faith and expectations of me most likely saved both of our lives.

Once we got out of there, I took her home and gave her my special treatment.  A bath and my undivided attention. I bound and treated her wounds, her bruises, her aches, and massaged the knots in her muscles.  She spent the night with me. And I held her through the night, listening to her deep rythmic breathing and loving every minute of it...  Yes, I'd like to find who sent her those cursed items very much.

Oh and Zari gave her the dress she had made for her. The elegant red one.  Wow.... if i got her a pair of high heels...the view would be magnificent.  She said that the dress was beautiful, and that it was her face in the mirror, but the reflection could not be hers.  I assured her that the breath taking woman was her.  That is how people saw her.  That her body is what made people notice her, but it was her inner strength and heart that made her beautiful.

Always amazes me that someone with so much going for them can think so little of themselves.  I am glad I know I am so wonderful!  She is so confident in battle, with a blade.  So strong in her beleives.  So dedicated to helping others.  And yet so belittling or ignorant of her beauty, her worth and the differance she does make.  She seems to hope to always make a differance and drives forward without seeing the differance she does make on the way.
Well if she didn't have some demon to over come, she'd hardly have a use for me.  When I get her to realize how truely wonderful she is, and she moves on towards her future...it's going to really break my heart.  But hey there is today and tomorrow, focus on the joy she brings to my life and the good I need to do for her.  Life is to be loved and enjoyed.  And nothing would make me happier then for her to be able to see herself through my eyes.

~R

[Aerimor]

My poor dear Zari.  I do not envy the headache you had and heartache you suffer.  

She means so well and tries so hard.  Am(gine) was playing the fool and hurting those that cared for him.  Luckily someone finally talked some sense into him before I had to pop him in the nose.

Am was Zari's first project on Mistone, she made him feel special.  To recognise what he did and could offer a woman.  To be confident, to take action in life, not merly to spectate.  But she was his first and as is the normal he became overly attached, refused to let go when reason said things had moved on.  Am found and 'fell in love' with Amierana, my Mistress of the blade.  I am happy if it works out, and if it doesn't Am might still get that pop in the nose!

Any way... Am decided that Ami was right for him and he for her.  Something he'd never of done without Zari's help.  But instead of dedicating himself to Ami in full, as she deserves.  He held onto his love's first crush in his heart and kept stringing Zari along.  Telling her that he still loved her, and he loved Ami and how he'd be with both if he was allowed.  That is was societies laws that prevented him from making such an offer.  What a childistic view of love.  He knew he was hurting both by not seperating with one and moving forward entirely with the other.  He even knew that Zari was yet too young of heart to be happy settling down.  She has yet to overcome the demons of her past, and until she does, part of her heart will always be reserved.  Until she conquers her demons she will not be comfortable being settled down for too long of time.

And the last thing she needs is someone that won't let go when its over.  I know her first, and at least one of her demons, was one of those that wouldn't let it be over when it was.  Stalked her or something, said nasty stuff I am sure.  All I really know is it ended ugly.

So Ami apparently told him to wise up and quit hurting everyone.  Either recognise what he had, or pursue a phantom that did not truely exsist.  And Zari should of told him to beat feet and not talk to her for a long while so he'd be forced to detox and see what he was screwing up.  But she ... well its hard to do, especially when you care for someone.  Took me years to figure out when and how to do it.  Finally just sunk in that hanging on was not good for anyone.

Anyway Am finally did what he should and broke it off with Zari. I am sure he said I love you _but_ we _have to_ be _friends_.  So Zari was at last able to have the heart break in full.  

Zari tried to hide in the bottle.  Been there and done that.  When I found her I took her home and got her to drink until she puked.  I made sure to mix the liqours up too, for extra morning naesua.  After she purged, I bathed her, brushed her teeth and put her to bed.  After I cleaned up the mess I joined her. Neither of us like to sleep or reverie alone.  I held her and stroked her hair, not that she'd remember anything.  I awoke from my rest when she started shaking and mummbling about 'the fire'.  I woke her briefly, kissed her forehead and told her she was safe.  I don't think she heard any of it, but the vision passed and she rested calmly.  It must of been a memory, she is an elf.  But when I asked her about what the fire could of been she only told me she had no idea and to stop talking so loud.

Anyway I drug her out of bed early and set eggs and roast deer before her.  Spoke loudly, banged things around and asked her if she enjoyed her naked romp through Hempstead fountian with Jaelle.  I told her the truth after my point was made.  And then the truth that it would hurt for a long time.  But most days it would get imperceptively better.  And some day it would just be a dull ache that paled to the beauty of daily life.  I made her brush her stinky teeth again and take another bath.  Then I put her in my bed, without the smelly alcohol smelling sheets and sent hers to be washed.

When she woke the next time I ordered some food from the Arm's and we ate.  Sandwiches, lots of bread and water to start setting her system right.  Also bought a blueberry pie.  Figured she'd be up to it after the extra rest and real food.  She was doing great until I served the pie.  She turned green, yelled "no, not blue" and is now hiding in her room.  Now that I am done eating both slices of pie, I will see if she'd like to go for a walk.  Our house may be beautiful, and I am certainly charming enough...but she needs to get out, live, and love.

I love you Zari, when you hurt, I hurt as well.  In so many ways its like we share the same heart.

~R

[Aerimor]

After talking to Zari last night I realise how angry I am.  Its not an emotion I have much experience with.  But I am very mad at my father.  I guess I never really delt with it or worried about.  I just thought I was dissapointed.  My first memories of him were great.  I remember playing with him, and the bed time stories.  He always read to me.  I think that's the reason I like books to this day, they remind me of a happier time.  But as I got older and I guess he started his secret second life with Zari and her mother.  He was never really around.  He was tired, distracted, or simply away.  He missed every event that ever meant anything to me.  I remember looking into the crowds for him and being dissapointed every time.  I always just thought I was not important enough, or that I grew up to be something he didn't want.  It hurt, but I figured out how to deal with it.  I made people laugh, they liked me for it.  And as I got older I learned how to make people feel special, to give them what I was missing.  Often enough it made me feel like I was special, that I meant something to some one.  That I was not just a mistake that was outgrown.

And then when I found out about Zari and Father's second life... after the shock it was easier for a time.  Zari is awesome,  if I had to choose between her and me I'd of choose her too.  So it became easier in a way.  Knowing that everything I didn't have was time where Zari did.  That by me missing out, she was gaining. But last night she told me he was not around for her as she got older either.  That he missed her special events and as she got older he was not around as much either.  

How could he do that to her?!  I hate him for doing it to Zari. She deserves better. How can he not know the holes in her heart that he caused? I had learned to live with it when it was just me... but I don't think I can forgive him for doing that to Zari.  When I told her I was angry at him, she told me he was not all bad.  That when she needed him the most he was a hero.  She wouldn't explain, just said he saved her life.  I figure it was backlash of something he did to put her in danger anyhow... but I just don't know.  I don't think I can forgive him.  I know my mother and he had another child a number of months back and mom wrote me a letter.  I am sure the letter contains my sibling's name and sex.  But I can not bring myself to open it.  If I learn its name, then it exsists and if its alive and my father's child it will suffer the same fate as Zari and I.  And I don't know what to do if that happens.  So the letter remains unopened, the truth unfaced.

After I left Zari last night, I was still angry.  I realized I was angry at someone else to.  As my thoughts shifted to Anne as they always do.  I realized how mad I am at her too.  She left me twice.  When she sent me away from the temple, she promised she'd come to me in a couple days.  And she did not, that very day she was surrendered herself to the Toranites and was taken away.  She knew it was going to happen and still she sent me away.  She never tried to leave, she just let them take her.

I told myself that she sent me away because I was special to her and she didn't want me hurt or blamed by the Toranites.  But if that was true why did she leave with Dubois and not take me?  Why didn't she at least say goodbye.  She has never even sent me word she is alive.  

So I told myself that she snapped when her church executed her without trial.  That she blamed Toran for allowing it to happen, or herself for failing.  I told myself that she went back undercover to finish her goal, to make ammends, to die a heroic death.  In which case I simply didn't matter anymore, and there was no need her to say goodbye.  That she was like father, too busy with her own life to make time for me anymore.

And after all the time we spent, the blood we spilled, the pain we shared and the darkness we endured together that she simply left to chase her greater glory.  I wish I could see her.  There is no way she could look at me and not react, not feel something? Anything?

I have nightmares, dreams and reveries.  Zari tells me I am troubled in my reverie.  She doesn't know the half of it.  In my dreams Anne walks out of the darkness a hero, and continues on her path whole and happy, what her spirit must of been like when she started following Toran.  She shares a single glorious smile with me as she marches forward to her destiny.

In my reveries I remember the pain, the beatings, the overwhleming oppression of fear.  But I also remember having Anne as a friend.  I remember us having each other to help make it through the darkess.  My blood runs cold and the shadows of despair and panic grip my heart with their icey fingers every time I hear a whip crack.  

And in my nightmares, I don't see Anne finding me and telling me I betrayed her, that I let them kill her.  I do not even fear for her torturing me for eternity. In my nightmares... Anne is a Corathite, lost to life and alone. That people only see her as a monster.  And Anne simply doesn't care that I ever existed.  That I am not even a memory to her.

Out of all three: the dream, the nightmare and the reverie.  Its only the reverie I awake from without tears staining my pillows.

We think she sent a Corathite monk to attack Daniella.  I was with her at the time.  The monk never even looked at me.  And if Anne did send him after Daniella, where is mine?!  I know Anne loved Daniella, and whatever she feels towards her now...she feels something.  As for me...  I wish I knew where she was.  I know if I could stand before her she'd have to feel something.  Better to be hated and die at her hands than to simply be forgotten!

Anne I hope you never find out how mad I am at you for leaving me.  I can only imagine what you go through...but it needn't have been alone.


Everytime I smile, I can't help but feel in a broken shard of my heart that I betray you.  That I enjoy life while you walk in death.  

Mad or not, I still love you.

*A few drops of liquid scatter the page.*

*written a few hours later*

I feel tired now, It's only been a few hours since I wrote the above and the anger has already escaped me.  Being mad is hard work.  I don't think I am cut out for it.

I wish you well Anne.

~R

[Aerimor]

I feel better again.  Still sad for Anne and myself.  But one day at a time.  I am sure she is doing what she has to to finish her mission, do her duty for Toran, or to accomplish the greater good.  It just sucks when you are have no part in the greater good.

I took Zari to the Fort of kings, to the castle outside of the Fort.  The one with the room of night sky.  Showed her what we could do to the attic in our house.

We talked a lot, about art and feeling happy.  She told me Father use to call her Doodlebug and it makes her happy, reminds her of the good times.  She said she draws and will let me see some of her work.  She asked me what talents I hid away.  I told her I had no artistic talents.  I can write some pretty bad poetry, but I doubt anyone finds it very inspiring.  Although Jaelle did say she still held at least one work I wrote for her.  Curious why, if it means something, or it was just something that she thought may have importance in the future.

Zari said my blade work was artistic.  Guess she has a point, but its not something I can be remembered for when I'm gone.  When I die so will it.  I think true art transcends the artist's life.  It would be so neat to have a talent like that.  I wonder if Zari is any good, I mean really good at drawing.  I admitted to her I once had a knack for sculpting.  But that was long ago. When I found out it was a sneaky way to get females to disrobe for you.  I was young then, I thought you needed a ploy.  Now I know its just easier to be who you are, be honest and things will work out often enough.

She asked if I was any good.  I honestly don't know.  I know my clay works all looked like ale bellied dwarves.  So I naturally I worked with stone, the chisel always felt natural, like the Rapier.  I got a lot of positive comments at the time but those were from the models I was chasing.  I am sure a few of the pieces are in storage with mom.  But most I gave to the models.  I have been thinking since talking with Zari. You know I think I liked making those statues.  At the time I was more caught up in the models.  But now looking back I think I did enjoy the creation itself.  She's got me excited now, I am going to see if I have any skill at all, or if its wishful thinking.  It would be great to be able to have something in our house that I made.  Even if its not as good as the rest.  

Zari is going to buy me the tools and I am going to buy her pencils and charcoal sticks.  Gifts to each other to inspire us to see if we can make something worthy of hanging on a wall or setting on a corner table.  I only ever did figure art, I wouldn't know what else to sculpt.  I figure you do what you love.

Zari suggested I ask Sasha to model.  I don't think she'd say yes, but the thought has me...excited.  I hope I have some talent.  I know only that the chisel and the rapier feel natural in my hand.  Heck I have fought a few battles with only my chisel, and I'm deadly!  Don't ambush this guy when he is chipping out gems or waa-thwack chisel of doom in the head!

If I stink, I can always try something else.  

~Raz

[Aerimor]

Well the sculpting is going well.  Zari got me the rasps and files, hammer and chisels.  I bought some blocks of soapstone and sheets of sandpaper,and pumice.  I set up a work area in the attic.  When I open the windows up up there at night its very cool and a great place to work.  It's like my own artistic loft.  

Let me see, Daniella agreed to model for me, although I think I ran that one past her so fast she doesn't know what she agreed to.  But we can work out the details once she thinks she agreed to it.  And I met this very odd kill joy female when going into the silkwood spider caves. I asked her to model...I don't think she said yes.  She was all preachy, life doesn't matter, only honor matters.  These are not worthy or my blades, those are worthy of my blades.   You are worthy of my blades.  I do not succumb to emotion, I am a golem.  Oh well if she shows up, I'll see how it goes, but she leaves before I go to sleep.  She's a bit scary.

And on the spiders, oh my gods, they were out of control!  Last time I was there was the first time I have seen this fabled spider big as a house...and it was!  But this time ran into a lot of folks, Dani, Chaynce, Lance, scary girl, and two dwarves.  We were trying to figure out who was who and spiders started pouring out of the cave.  Might of know it was going to be trouble then.  But we prepared and rushed in. There were spiders everywhere, spiders on spiders under spiders.   Big ones, little ones, some with more than eight legs I think!  Anyway the worse were these type of spiders, huge, looked like might be the younger version of the big one down deep.  Have clawed forward legs that kept rending armor from people.   I saw more of Chaynce and the dwarves than I wanted and almost enough of Leisa and Daniella.  Darn things kept ripping off my shirt, tearing a pant leg or plain ripping my pants off altogether.  Felt like I was back with those twins from my thespian days.  Good times.  Except it wasn't!  Because these monster spiders kept trying to rend me in half afterwards!

So I don't know what inspired me, maybe I just didn't want Chanyce running off into danger dragging Daniella, thus dragging Lance thus dragging the rest of us.  Or maybe I just didn't want Dani and Lance calling the shots that day, but I started acting like I was a leader.  Told them I was going to be field General.  I expected someone to speak up, object and take charge.  But they all just decided it was okay.  Guess that plan backfired.  So I started barking out orders like I had seen others do, and saying stupid things I have heard form others.  Stupid cliches really, everything but calling them soldiers.  I did try my best at keeping tactics together, assigning front line, flank support, rally points, recover times, and quick strikes against those target that needed to be brougt down quick.  I spent most of my time standing two lines back, casting spells, hastes mainly to boslter those under the heaviest attack or help with the lightning strikes.  And the potions I threw,  I thought trying to keep me alive was tough, I went through fifty silver potions.  Seemed like someone was too close to colapsing all the time.  Man I owe some healers thanks for their previous works keeping me upright.  

Anyway, we managed to clear the second level and set watch.  Recover our strength and I voted to turn back,  no one objected and we headed out.  We almost got out when there were another of them big ones and two of those  undead ones that shoot spikes, along with a swarm of smaller ones.  Things got very dicey.  The dwarves chewed through the swarms and cleared the arena,  Chaynce nad the paladin fought the big one and I charged the two undead ones like a fool.  I just hate archers, I can not stand letting them take free shots.  I got to them in time to hide behind a rock and drink some potions.  Managed to kill one and dive behind its body to drinks more potions.  Then Leisa showed up and we killed the last one.  About then they felled the big one and we patched up again.  I hate them big ones.  I can't even hurt them!  All I am good for is getting them mad so they chase me, and turn quickly and dive under them.  Sometimes I get them going fast enough one way that when they try to turn with me they loose their balance.

We finally got to the surface and their was one more big one.  And the thing used some sort of stunning attack, knocked Daniella and Chaynce out for sure.  They rest of us were hard pressed just to not die.   Eventually Daniella shook off the effect, we started working cohesively and managed to chip into its shell.  In short,  no more spiders for me for a while!   Druids aint doing their job if they are letting them grow that big and plentiful.


And Amanda agreed to model for me too.  Ran into her at the bank.  I think I may of told her more than I meant to, but it felt good to get some things off my chest.  I told her about Anne, some about Father, and maybe one bit too much about Zari.  Oh well, no harm done.  She said if I thought I was good enough to ask for a model, she'd most likely do it.  Said she was a bit shy, but she seemed intrigued or just that willing to help me pursue something that made me happy.  What neither her of Daniella thought to ask me was what type of sculpting I did.  I guess they assumed to was heroic posing because they are adventurers.  Or maybe just common, catching them in their day to day life.  Stealing a panel from their life and setting it forever into stone for others to see the beauty in each moment on any day.  I wonder what the reaction will be when I ask them to disrobe, because I'm a figure artist.  Clothes may make the man, but the body can reveal the soul.
The human form is the masterpiece of creation.  

If caught in its splendor, there is no other vehicle so subtley or so expressive for the expression of human thoughts and emotions as the human figure.  And if the artist is truely talented he can bring what the body so naturally displays effortlesses to life through his medium or paints, pencils, rock or clay. That artist can call human personalities to life at will.  

In a world of such beauty the ability to capture the human soul through art is a rare gift.  I myself would be happy to make one single work in a lifetime that was worthy of display.

And that is why I start on the basics.  It has been many years wince I used a chisel for anything but mundane chipping away of rock to unearth gems.  Now I will weil one to unearth a completly new type of gem.  The soapstone is forgiving.  So soft it does not require a hammer, just the chisel.  It how I once was taught to carve detail, and now practice again.  I have made four small sculpture so far, none of them exceptional, and all of them passable.  The last one is baking right now...to dry it out.  I did some good work with the flying hair, but the face just isnt alive to me.  Always the hardest is the face, the eyes thats where the emotion lies.  The body gives power, scale, scope, but its the face that sets the real emotion.  

I know what the think of me, where they think my purposes lie.  But perhaps if words do not fail me, I can paint for them the power and beauty of such art.  And if I have not the skill to capture their spirit myself, I will pay for them to have someone truely gifted sculpt them.

~Raz

[Aerimor]

Took up alchemy, at the rate I was tossing potion on people i had to.  Easy stuff, once you learn what the properties of the items are and how they react, its a simple matter to reproduce.

Sculpting is still fun, working on a lot of detail peices.  Did one that was just hands.  A few head busts only.  A couple more full mock ups.  So far my favorite is still the one of Zari reading.  More I look at the more I think it might actually be good.

Ran into a Mistite elf near Hlint and got greenies with her.  She plays all cool and hard to get, but she's a Mistitie.  Gods know they all love me.  I just had to figure out her story, which is hard when they don't talk.  She's one that doesn't want the sweet words, at least not in the begining.  She is more Liek Pallena.  She likes assertivness, powerful words, and the feeling she is in charge.  I can do that!  Wish she'd of taking off her hood, hope she's not burned by acid, oh well can't be too bad.  The armor was form fitting.  I asked her to model for me, she wanted to say no I think, but then she became intrigued.  She'll show up, I gave her my address.  Hope I do her justice, I still have a lot of practice to do.  Lots of details left before I start really putting it together.  At least the mallet feels right.

Oh and two half sibling I never knew of showed up looking for Zari and I!  I really hope I do not have to see father again.  I am on the verge of hating him again.  They have some hard luck story about Father leaving their mom, her dying of a broken heart and being raised by an Ilsarian, like their mom.  I guess if i let mysel fI'd be pretty broken up, but its too much too quick.  Good thing i have Zari, she makes it better, easier to cope with.  

Ya i know as soon as I get over the shock they'll be alright, but I need time.  Apparently father visited them more often than Zar or I, but still was lacking.  I guess he tried to make up for killing their mom with a few extra trips and supporting their financial needs.

I have developed a new strategy for a double waved chess attack focusing on the use of the rooks.  I found out Daniella plays chess with Chaynce and I guess she losses more often than naught.  So I have been experimenting with a strategy to use what she prefers but to have a new edge to it.  Something Chaynce won't expect the first time around and to Help Daniella try new strategies, use multiple peices.  And to not rely on her knights alllll of the time.  

~R

[Aerimor]

When did I become jaded?

I have two more half siblings and they seem to be alright folk, but I have my guard up.  Shouldn't I be happy?  Maybe its knowing father did it to even more people, just upsets me.


And... I didn't feel much like an Aeridinite recently.  Yes I know I kill a lot of stuff for an Aeridinite.  But I never feel bad about it really, they are monsterous races for a reason.  Its because they kill folks, its what they do.  Some Aeridinites will tell you all life is as precious.  Screw that!  My daughter's lives are more precious than anything else, and I rank pretty high too!  And I'll save any human, elf or dwarf from a troll any day of the week.  And for that matter, I value female's lives more than I do males. I mean heck we die off first anyway, you get more ban gfor your true from females as far as life spans go.

Well anyway, the thing I did.  The thing I didn't like.... I killed a giant.  Well hell the group and I killed a LOT of giants.  The same giants near Hilm.  The ones that killed most of a village, and then took half a dozen prisoners.  When we came to talk with them to make a trade.  Instead of looking for a peaceful way out of it, they said they'd kill the prisoners.  Our talkers of the group tried to persaude them, but no dice.   evil giants just want what they want.  So the group tried to overpoewr them quickly and save the prisoners.  I made myself invis and snuck out a little ahead of them.  As soon as the group charged I hasted off right for the prisoners and one little girl in particular.  Instatly the giants turned and sluaghtered the prisoners, cleaved the girl in half while I was steps away.  Instead of setting defenses the were more concerned with killing the helpless.  Well there were no mercy for we killed them all.  Wren had a batch of scrolls and was able to raise the dead, even the little girl.  There was one child that got half stepped on and was not killed.  But everyone else was killed.  And the look, the loss on the childrens faces, knowing what they saw.  That they saw their neighbors and families killed in front of them on two seperate occasions.  Well I know it aint right and they are going to have issues to work out.  I promised that girl we'd get her home and there would be no mercy for the giants.  We got her home to others form her little village.

And now recently those giants were stirring up toruble again.  So a lot of us went out to see.  We kill dozens of them.  Fond an old ruin into a mountian and fougt our way down.  Seems they were mining ore, no doubt for warfare.  We got deep into the place and things got a bit to risky, too many of our party left.  So we turned and left.  We ran into one giant that managed to slip behind us.  One of the mages held him and tried to talk to him.  He only held hate, real strong hate for us.  Even though we only talked to it, when the spell expired it instantly tried to kill one of us.  They reheld it and decided to leave.  As the rest of the party walked off, so those that didn't want to see, didn't have to.  I looked up at it again and stared into those horrible angry eyes.  I thought of that girl looking into the same hopeless nightmare.  I knew this giant would kill every child it could, maybe more vehemently after this encounter.  I knew it would tell the others what happened.  And they would rally and strike out others of our kind.  I know killing it...they would still blame or figure out is was our kind, but ..there is a chance they would be wrong.  Or afraid that so many were killed and none of them knew exactly by what.  Instatly I hoped up and ran my rapier through its eye and into its brain.  It trashed once and fell dead, all hate silenced.

I wish I could say I did it only as a logical action.  Killing one giant in hopes of saving more lives.  But part of it was pure emotion, rage, anger, hopelessness for the whole  cycle of death.  They kill us, we kill them, again and again.  Something about it set wrong with me.   keep telling myself it was because it was unable to defend itself.  I sure would not of hesitated to slay it if it wasn't held.  Those orbs held so much hate.

~R

[Aerimor]

I have another model lined up.  An Aeridinite Priestess, Lily.  She is very cute.  I think she is too naive to be adventering.  You can tell that she does not like the killing and that is great.  But she confuses the issue.  When a goblin is trying to kill you, asking it to stop is not a wise idea.  I have taken her into the goblin caves and the spider caves.  Let her see the evil in goblin hearts, to let her see first hand that there is no reasoning.  There is no we will avoid them and they will avoid our races.  If left alone they will turn their hatred to those that can't protect themselves.  

The spider caves were to show her that even creatures without evil thoughts, can still wreck the whole life cycle stuff.  Not sure all that druidic mumbo jumbo but I know them spiders have to eat something and at their sizes they aint natural.  Nope, if they are left unchecked they'd take over the whole forest and start looking for food elsewhere.  She was able to help the party, healing with her god granted powers.  And I am trying to help toughen her up, so she can do Aeridin's work in the toughest of places.  Or at least help adventurerers, there are plenty of stay in town healers.

Well I could see it was too much too fast. So I took her asside and let her know that no matter the evil and hate that she sees.  If she stays strong to Aeridin, she will always have innocence in her heart.  The want to help and heal, and that is the most important thing. That you have to build up a thick skin to be able to act in times of need, else your friends will fall at your feet.  But inside, under it all, you have to believe its all for a real tangable prupose.  That lives of innocents are saved, that your blade only finds the heart of evil and that you make a differance.  You are Aeridin's hand in the world.  


I hope it isn't too much for her, its a tough thing to do.

I need something beautiful.  I'll see if Zari is home with free time and try another limestone sculpture.  The sculpting makes me happier, it gives me time to think to wear away the rough edges of worries.  Besides I need more work on muscle definition.  Maybe I can get Zari to make some muscles.  


~Raz