Razeriem-Yet to be named.

[Aerimor]

Sticks dropped Mera off with me again.  I had just enough time to recover form the last time. I am hapy to have her even if she is more than I can handle.  I don't know how they do it.  She is always into something, or messing with somethign that coulf hurt her.

If I were a spell writer, I'd invent Raz's Helping Hand.  A hand spell that you can direct to bar toddlers form stairs, breakables, fires, portals and about everything.  To catch them when they tumble and reign them back to tired parents who are too kaput to chase.  It would be a million gold piece spell within a month.

But as much as she runs me ragged, she is worth ten times the effort.  When she grins one of those I know I am causing trouble but I am so cute grins.... well it is all worth it.  

Its been a couple weeks since Sticks dropped her off.  El is chaotic and whatnot, but this is unlike her, she has always been on teh ball with Mera.  Mera misses her greatly,  during the day she has a blast, but at night... She misses her mom and I am a poor subsitute.  She likes Zari a bunch and tries to crawl into bed with her when she is home.  I am pretty sure the last time she did, Lareth was over, but they didn't send her right back out so I guess it was fine.

I sent a falcon to every city I can think of for Sticks to send word.  I hope to get a reply soon.  If not I might be forced to visit the Task Master and that is something noone wants to happen...cept maybe Mera.  And if its best for her, I'll suck it up and go over.

I think its because I am tired, but I am pretty sad at nights now.  Zari is home most of the time but gone frequently.  Mera makes resting difficult, she wakes too often ask for El.  And I keep having dreams of being chained to that corathite alter I was on.  And Anne standing over me, knife in hand...like last time.  But then I look again and she is older, a couple lines where there were not before, and the look in her eye.  Its horrible, it crushes my heart, brings great pain to my soul.  To look into her dark eyes as see only anger and betrayal.  But the worse part is, she doesn't seem to notice me, I am just the next sacrifise.  I speak to her, but her only response is to plunge that knife into me.  It never hits, I become conscious and short of breath.  

So I go check on Mera and Zari when she is home.  Zari is so angelic when she is asleep.  Its like as soon as she awakes she erects one wall around her, to protect from her demons.  But unless you know her you just see her physical beauty and never miss that extra spark she protects.  I have no idea what her demon is, I thought it was father.  But she speaks for him at times, so I guess its a past lover or some step father she never mentioned.  Perhaps that is it, someone she hated so much she pretends he didn't exsist.

So I have taken up a few more Sculptures, three at the same time.  Right after I see that sleeping spark of Zari, I work on a limestone piece of her sleeping.  It is very slow going, but its my best work so far.  I hope to finish it as well its started.  She is sleeping nude on her side, a sheet pulled over her, covering her from thigh to waist.  One hand tucked under the side of her face the other resting on the bed beside her.  But in its simplicity, lack of movement its the peace on her face that wil determine its success.  At the least I wil be able to work on the forms of her legs, arms and chest.

During the day when Mera is running around the project room.  I am cutting a life size of her, in Limestone.  Its that grin I am trying to capture.  Right now I am still working out the form and scale.  As I said its hard catching her standing in one place long enough to work on it.  But I have already started cutting it so she is running, arms reaching out, grining her grin.

The last piece I just started and will also take some time is one of Jaelle.  Artistic freedom of memories, visions and creativity.  I am working with limestone on this one as well.  It is her standing on the prow of a small ship, face into the wind, standing defiantly.  Heck when we were together she did everything defiantly, I wouldn't be able to sculpt her in but a couple other emotions.  She is wearing only a button down shirt wich is half blown open by the wind, a thin long staff raised out to the unseen storm cloud.  In my mind I can see the lightning.  Its too early to tell if it will work, I am still chiseling down the block to a form to work with.


These works keep my mind and hands busy.   And are dear friends when I am bored, of awaken by nightmares.  I know two projects I would like to try.  A self sculpture, Of course I'd make a great model.  And I want to do one of Anne.  But I want to do one of how I imagine her before all this started, before Toran took his toll.  I wouldn't mind cutting her as she was when I first met her, or soon after.  But everytime I try to envision her in my mind, to work out the details,  I only see her as she is in my nightmare.  Those horrible eyes, knife grasped in both hands, already thusting down.  And a whip coiled on her belt.  I am sure if I pulled that image off it would be powerful, and some would find it moving.  But I refuse to cut her like that.  I am sure as soon as this mess with her is worked out and she finishes with her mission, by block will be gone and I can cut her in either of the visions I have or even with the face she returns with.

I don't like to consider why I have these nightmares, but it's obvious.  I should never of left her when she told me to go ahead.  I was so use to do what she said when she said it as part of the cover, I was not able to refuse her or see it clearly.  But I should never of left her,  I let her down and that is why she looks at me with those eyes in my dreams.  Never again wil I be disauded from doing what I know or feel is right to appease a group or another.  If i make mistakes, that I would rather they be because I was trying to hard than because I failed to act.

[Aerimor]

Well I finally got my last trio of sculptures done, or close enough.

The one of Zari turned out beautifully,  I really like the sereen appearance of her face, and her legs.  I got the legs right, the right amount of tone and soft apperance.  I am really pleased with both of those.  Of course its easier to chisel a face with the eyes closed, you don't have to try to capture the light that makes the eyes a reflection of the soul.  The rest of the work if very good, I looked like I knew what I was doing.  I am very proud of it, its staying with Zari or I, it makes me feel like I did something special.

The second one, the one of my vision of Jaelle, turned out remarkable as well.  I guess my memory was strong enough. I am really impressed with it.  The detail on Zari's might be a touch more, but I had a model for Zari's.  With Jaelle all I had wasa memory and this statue is outstanding.  I never planned on keeping it or it being worth keeping.  But now that it's done, its too good for it to not have a home.  I was planning on giving it to Steel if he was interested.  I figured Jaelle would be most likely to accept and appreciate it if Steel had it in his posession.  

I ran into Jaelle, she has either calmed a lot or it was a good day.  We had a very pleasant talk, I was tempted to show her the statue, but I was too afraid that would be the trigger and or pleasant meeting would end ugly....again.  Guess I'll talk to Steel and see if he is interested or ask Jaelle or whatever.  Seeing her again, she looks conisderably differant from how I sculpted her.  I still prefer my version, its the one with the good memories.  I just hope she's happy and love keeps its hold on her.  I think even with all the hard times, the fights, I think she considers our time worth while. In any case I hope so, it means a lot to me.

Anyway the statue of her really projects its intent of defiance, I think the emotion really came through.  I think its the pose and the eyes,  I had the set up right and was able to make it appear alive in a single moment.  Two in a row succesful, and outstanding.  This was great for my confidence and I eagerly worked on the one of Mera.

Poor Mera, her statue is lack luster at best.  I think I one leg a bit longer than te other. Maybe I shouldnt of tried a running pose, then again maybe I just need a lot more practice.  And I didn't even come close to capturing her grin,  I will have to try again, I love that grin.  I make my heart soar.  And I think I need a lot of work on clothing or to stick with figure art,  I could not get her clothes right, they kinda blended a bit with the body.  I mean I got Jaelle's shirt and Zari's sheet right, but I couldn't get mera's clothes to look right at all!  And maybe its because she's a child and not a woman?  In anycase, I have a lot of work to do before I attempt another whole attempt on her again.  I think I will try just for the grin, and then work from there.

But all in all I am very pleased with the progress, either the one of Zari or Jaelle is as good as I ever really hoped for.  Jaelle told me to try Marble,  but i think I will try another dozen in Granite,  I really don't like it when I am unable to do the model justice.  Hurts my feelings the one of Mera didn't work out in my opinion.

~R

[Aerimor]

I hate the ice caves! I need stupid Sapphires and noone sells them and I can't those trolls near the dark river alone so I am stuck here in the cool, wet, lonely ice caves!  This place is horrible, the goblins can have it.  Heck I tried to convince them to mine the gems for me and I'd buy them.  But noooooo all they want to do is "kill the elf!!" Stupid Goblins! Stupid Ice Caves! Stupid Sapphires!


Oh well Alchemy is coming along quickly, a couple dozen more essences of healing for practice and I'll start trying to mix heal potions.  Oh course that means Storan runs, wonder how I will do there, those shadows can be a pain!

I was just bored enough that while trying to warm up I chipped out an ice sculpture.  Its not too bad, wonder who it is of.  I don't think I ever met her.  I stay out here much longer and she might start looking good enough to kiss.  And then we all know my togue will stick and I'll have to explain what happened to someone.

Stupid Ice caves!

~R

[Aerimor]

Well its time to leave to the big sculpting event.  I can hardly wait.  I'll get to rub elbows with some famous sculptors AND its an Ilsare temple!!!  Talked Zari into coming with me and Zira too.  I mentioned it to Ely and she said she wanted to come and Zak said he'd check it out.  This is going to be Razerific!  

Ohh new word, I like it.  Its Razerific!  Maybe I'll get real lucky and one of the sculptures will invite me over to their studio after its done and I can learn a few tricks.  I know my techinque could use some work.  But I am happy making them as they are.  I could also use to find where to buy stone at a cheaper rate, you would not beleive the prices these guys gouge me for.

The price of brilliance I guess.  Got to go get Zari out of bed and dresses.  I hope this boosts her spirits, she's be depressed too long.

[Aerimor]

Wow, so much to tell.  So I got to the Temple and everythign was beautiful.  The priestess were divine, the art magnificient, the sculptures very inpsiring.  I was looking around and met a young Sculptor of the Ilsarian faith, not a priestess just a faithful.  She is very sweet, does some nice work all of it very moving.  She says she believes its all Ilsare inspired.  I told her in way it was because Ilsare is the godess of the heart and it was her heart that saw such beauty.  Turns out she is not formally trained either, like me!  The Ilsarian's offer a kinda group Sculpting class.  I think everyone that is accepted comes and does their own thing at their own pace.  And you watch others and what they do and of course can ask others anythign you want, technique hows whys.   In the end she invited me to join their class, its provided housing so you were immeresed in the experience.  I think the idea is to live breath and love your art.  All in all it is very tempting and I am have secodn doubts about not accepting.  I think my choice to not accept was two fold.  I think I may very well of distracted her from her work and that would of been a shame, I think she will be a name in a couple decades.  She is in no rush, and makes what inspires her.  But she has the time to do such.  And ... there is nothing wrong with her, she is sweet, innocent, full of beauty and kindness.  You can't save someone if there is nothing wrong with them.  No I think Ilsare herself might of hunted me down if something I did broke that innocence.

I met a womanizing leachorous sculptor as well.  He had the the best works there in my and many 's opinion.  He only did figure art.  He was easy going, fun loving, undisciplined and could sculpt the female's form like no other. I only hope to be so good.  But personally the more I got to know him the more I didn't like him.  Essentuallly, he reminded me of everything I was and wanted to be when I first sculpted.  Chasing models, treating them as pretty toys and dreaming of being a master sculptor so it would never end.  I however grew out of it,  I am not sure he will.  I did ask around, he seems on the up and up and all the models willing.  Granted he is telling them whatever they want to hear.  Sadly, that is just how some people are, how I was.  At the end of the night he left with a model, told her he would make her immortal in stone.  Zari and I, especially Zari tried to warn her, but she wanted no part of it.  That prompted the asking around.  Like I said he seems to just tell them what they want to hear, view them as pretty toys and moves on when done.  He and an older sculptor, Jevan, were into an argument when we stumbled on them in a back show room.  

Jevan apparently disdains him greatly.  Grudgingly admits some of his pieces are very good.  But dislikes his lack of attention to technique, refusual or inability to do anything but figure art, his personal conduct and I am sure much more.  The two went a few rounds, pointing out each others flaws.  Mostly what I listed above and that Jevan was a sticker for form, function, discipline.  That he didn't seem to enjoy what he did and he made something beautiful and fun into work.  Jevan is indeed highly structured, dour, close to the vest, disciplined and work focused.  But he never makes a bad piece.  He is the most technically proficient sculptor out there I think and many say.

During the arguement it turned to the success of apprentaces.  Jevan has many that have went on to make real names for themselves.  While Deitrich had never taken one.  In a macho contest they both offered to take me as an apprentace.  Talk about the right time and place!  I didn't knwo if they were serious because it was all in the heat of an argument.  Dietrich promised good times and fun.  Jevan promised hard work, discipline and the chance to learn real sculpting.  Dietrich retorted that if I went with Jevan, I'd end up dissapointed as it would only be work work work.  

I didn't want too offend either, so I told them I would make no choice as part of an argument.  That I would talk to them individually that way I would know if they were serious and I wouldn't feel such a fool if it was just for bravado.

Thats when I learned more about Deitrich and lost all interest.  If only he didn't make so wonderful of pieces.  I talked to Jevan and told him I was interested if he was serious.  He very dourly told me to bring three pieces to his address in Spellguard, if I was anygood, he would see what he could do with me.

It was a tough desicion, in addition to what I said and after talking to Jevan I made my choice with real merrit.  Something I try not to do too often.

I say the Ilsarian school as a lot of people like me, none wiht real experience all trying to work together at differant paces and lsitening for Ilsare's inpsiration.  Ilsare has never spoken to me, but I like to think she is sweet on me,  its not the inspiration I lack its the skills.  And as I said I saw the possibility of cause damage to a future Sculptor.  With that much down time, freedom and togetherness,  I doubt I'd of been able to ....  Well I'd of become distracted.

As for Dietrich, I lerned that he turned out as many bad sculptures as good ones, down right horrible ones.  And Ones that are never finished, he has no ... mind's eye.  He can only reproduce what's in front of him, if the model leaves his work is unfinishable.  He only does figure art because he loves their bodies and because he can only work from a live model.  This made me feel a little better.  Even withmy now obviously appearant lack of technical skil, I was able to make a sculpture form nothign more than a mental picture.

And Jevan, he will never make a bad sculpture, but I think he may never make somethign that trancendes his talents.  Somethign that is more than just the stone and his skill.  Maybe I can help him?  There has to be something that inspires him beyond just making them in and of itself.  He seems standoffish and alone.  Yes I think there is somehting I have that I might be able to trade in a way for his teachings.  I guess I could try to help Dietrich, but that is too close to home.  It makes me remember a part of me I hate.  No, I chose Jevan, I need teh techincal skills to go with my inspiration and I hope he will soften a bit with my daily charms. Maybe get him to play some chess and visiting to art galleries.

[Aerimor]

Hmmm this is not what I had in mind when I thought of training with a master.  All Javen has had me do for the last week is sweep and clean up.  This is horrible, he doesn't like to talk very much.  But every now and then I bait him into something.  He has a wry sense of humor when he lets it show.  I keep asking him to play chess when I leave at night.  But he is always too busy with his work to play.  I have heard of this type of training before where they make you do stupid jobs to prove your worth before they actually train you.  I just hope that's what's going on,  I don't think I could take a month with no hope in sight.  I had to buy more lotion all this sweeping and picking up has dried out my hands some.

I have my nights free and have been reading a lot on sculpting, sculptors, sculptures.  The man has quite the collection. I figure I have to get something out of it and right now the reading is all I am getting.  I wonder if he has any kids... I am thinking not.  I got to find something to pull him out of his repeatative routine.

[Aerimor]

I got to work with clay.  He acted like it was a great priviledge. Clay is icky and it isnt stone.  But Jevan said you need to learn to use marquette. A good model mark up is the key to saving stone.  If you make your mistake in clay you fix it, if you make your mistake in stone you start over.  Guess it makes sense, but I hate clay, it gets under my nails and its nasty.

Also I am not very good with playing with clay.

Oh and I still get to sweep everything!

[Aerimor]

Well what do you know, I guess I am lucky I get to make Wax marquettes now!  Its better than clay, but I am still not very good at it and .... its not stone.  It's been weeks now, stone has to be next right?!

[Aerimor]

Well I haven't written because I have finally got to do stuff!

Jevan had me make a few more marquettes and then after he looked at them he said we'd make them into sculptures.  And I needed to go into the desert to a quarry and order some stone, for him and for me!

After that when I got back we went to a private collector's collection.  I think Jevan enjoyed himself and for the last week or so he has had me carving chess pieces out of alabaster.  Says he will play if I make suitable pieces.

Almost got killed in the desert by a giant centipede but I made it.  And the Stones came in and I got to sculpt!  I was working with stone again!  

I never told you what he thought of the pieces I brought to show him, they said they lacked skill, I bruised the rocks, held my chisel poorly and did not pay attention to detail.   I thought I was done that first day, but he said even with that I had promise if i followed what he said when he said.  He made me smash them with a mallet.  All except one, the one that was Zari's i told him I couldn't and he eventually let it live, but demanded anythign I made when with him was destroyed then.

I saved him the effort on the first one, it was coming along well and then he started hovering and   and I hit too hard at too sharp an angle and gouged the sculpture very badly.  He was very angery and put me back on cleaning duty.  He hasn't really talked to me much for the last week now.  Just enough to tell me I was very lucky I was not kicked out.  That that was unpardonable.

Its not like I tried,  I just need some freedom and a word of praise wouldn't kill him.

My hands are killing me, I think I have callouses.

[Aerimor]

Well my training is done.  I am not thrilled about it.  Had so much more to practice and so much more to figure out about the old guy.  He seriously could use a friend.

I managed to sculpt a few nice sculptures, techincally anyway.  They didn't make Jevan cringe  and I thought they are as good as I have done.  Still need practice, I see where I can make things better.  All in all those were uninspired I thought and did not mind seeing them destroyed.

Then yesterday Jevan told me he was leaving, got a job in Katherian.  Said there wasn't much more he could teach me.  I think he meant now.  I prefer to think that anyway, I hope there is more to learn.  I know I have more I want to teach him.  He just isn't like that though.  I finally got him to play chess and even then he would open up.  I have no idea if he has family.  When we said good bye he never said he'd miss me, so I said it for the both of us.  I got him to accept a hug, but even then he said it was a manly hug,  he is so uptight.  I swept up the place after he left, he was renting it out to someone else in the morning.

As he left he told me there was a package he never got to pick up, I was to pick it up for him and keep it.  He left in a rush and avoided eye contact. I thought it was some sort of goodbye gift.  So after I left town I stopped by the shop and picked it up.  It was a smithy. I asked him if he made sculpting tools and he said yes.  He then said he'd been expecting me and handed me a beautiful mahongany chest.   I know there are tools inside,  but I have not opened it yet.  Truth is I feel I failed his expectation and I don't think I got him to open up enough.  I'm just not sure I deserve it.  Guess after I check on Zari and get settled in again,  I'll take a look.

~R

[Aerimor]

Well Zari was happy to have me home full time again.  She out and about again, which does both of our hearts good.  I told her about my trianing and she agreed to model for me again,  I'm still not confident about marble, so we decided to do one in White Alabaster.  Her in her adventuring outfit, rapier in hand with a silly carefree look and pose.  Figured it would be good to make her smile and I wanted something light and happy.

She talked me into opening the tools from Jevan.  They were beautiful, no note or anything, just the implied message that I was an adequate or better sculpture and had potential.  Guess I just had too much bottled up form living that life.  With noone to talk to that would really talk back.  I just got choked up and the tears came.  I don't really know why, guess I just really wanted his approval.  But I told Zari we could start tomorrow,  I just want to talk to her and catch up on the last few weeks.

I really missed Zari.  Now I miss Jevan, he is going to die a lonely man someday.  He forgets life is to be lived, there is beauty in every day if one stops to appreciate it.  I also think it would creep into his works.

I'll let you know how the sculpture turns out,  my first on this side of Jevan.

~R

[Aerimor]

Life is back to how it was....almost.  I mean I still adventure and now I have more sculpting to practice.  I still flirt and attempt to find damsals in distress to save. But I have a half sister now, its kinda weird.  I feel like all big brotherly to her.  Heck I think it would feel akward now if we did kiss.

Oh well, guess things change.

Some for the worse,  Zari has changed, bringing those demons back to the surface has changed her.  She isn't smiling much anymore.  He voice octaves are lower on the whole, and her eyes are not as...shiny?  I was hoping it was the Lareth deal, but its dragging out and not in the right way.  I am convinced its the demons.  And recently she started bringing home a lot of guys. And they are always gone in the morning.  Something's changed and I don't like it.  I really don't want to drive her off, or be the one to hurt her.  But I can't stand by and see her hurt herself either.

Why do I have to be the responsible one?  Why isn't Zira helping her, she's an Ilsarian.  I'll talk to her the next time she's alone, hopefully tonight before I have time to think it all out.  

Greater good, right Anne?  Yes, I will do whatever it takes to help her be alive again and not in the thrall of demons past.....

[Aerimor]

Well Zari and I had that talk neither of us liked it at all.  Not sur eI helped anything either.  It didn't go as I hoped or expected.

I told her I couldn't stand by and watch her hurt herself and give up on life and love.  And the bringing home guys seems to be she was trying to be in control.  So I threw that in her face, told her she was just trying to control people and that's the best she could do.  Sell herself out for a phantom of control.  Told her she was still being control by a ghost and he owned her as long as she was afraid to take chances and live.

She didn't really want to listen and I didn't know how to make her.  She just wanted to shut everything off.  So I told her I couldn't stay by and watch her kill herself.  I was moving out and she could send me word if she wanted to try to live again instead of being in his control.   I was really afraid she'd tell me see ya.  But she said fine I won't bring anyone home, I'll have Zira move in with me.  Missed the point completly, but pushing anymore would of been a mistake.  I told her that was fine for now and that I love her liek the other half of my heart.

~R

[Aerimor]

Well Zari agreed to take what help I could offer.  I am helping her face soem of her fears, forcing her often.  I held her down and sat on her the first time, hated listening to the shreek of fear in her voice, but then something in my mind tumbled.  Something I don't like.  When it clicks it like I get blinders on, I can only see the goal, I get tunnel vision.  I don't really feel anything.  I know where it came from.  From my time with Anne in the Corathite temple.

I think even to this day I have repressed a lot of things.  Things some part of me thinks I don't need to know.  There were too many nights of emotional pain.  There were nights of horid physical pain, but it was always easier to deal with.  You yell until you can't yell and if your lucky you pass out.  And she almost always healed the worst of it, left the marks, the scars for all to see.  Wasn't worth the comfort to raise suspicions.  


Oh I lost my point, point is it seems that switch is still inside my head somewhere,  I don't really remember Zari screaming...just that she did.  Sometime later things were normal for me and I comforted her, told her she can survive anything she is willing to fight through.  We talked more, I told her I could help her fight her fears of being confined, controlled and held against her will.  To show her in almost every situation there are ways to fight to get free, or to control some part of what's going on.  To put yourself in contorl of something.  To focus on the goal, to ignore the demons, the fear, the pain and to focus on what you can control.  

I am proud of her, she agreed to try.  WE have been taking it very slowly.  Just tying her hands and having her count to ten and then freeing her at first.  Her focus was merely to count to ten.  It was difficult for us both, but she made it and wept for a long time,  but she was back again the next time for another session.  And as importantly for me, I remember it, whatever dark switch I have in my head has not triggered since that first time.  I think its because she is willing, I am not really forcing the pain on her, just facilitating it.

We have had many sessions since then, mostly variations on the first.  Tying her hands, tying her up, blindfolding her, putting a hood over her face, tyign her to a chair.  Sometime she had to use our saftey word and I cut her free.  But most of the time she makes the goal.  She has learned to shimy out of ropes pretty well.  As a side I've learned to tie some inventive knots.

I'm worried about the next part,  I am going to use spells on her.  Hold Person and dominate.  If it goes well, I am going to take away her saftey word and see where she is at.  If she does well then, I am going to enact her nightmare.  I just hope it doesn't trigger that dead switch in me again, if it does..she may well be on her own to fight her demon.

I have not documented many of my works of recent.  With everything going on many of my works are more somber or even dark than I like.  Most of them I destroy withotu anyone seeing.  Its still practice and I find it therapudic.  Its like taking one of Zari's demons, making it take corporeal form and then vanquishing it.

Been taking everything more serious than my normal too.  Studying spells harder than I ever have.  Finding holes in my sword play I can fill with more punch.  Preaching to strangers for no reason.

But its just a stage...it will all pass... just have to focus on the goal.

[Aerimor]

Got involved in a little diplomatic quest with Sasha, Arkolio and a few others.  The Brech dwarves where having trouble with a Red Skinned giant.  I was never sure on the whole thing,  but I think they said they wandered into the giant lands.  The giants attacked some of thier parties and they wanted us to see if it was a prelude to an attack by giants or if they would accept negotiations.  I figure giants... obviously they are evil and are going to attack folks.  But in case they were honestly trying to be peaceful we should give them that chance.  It seemed everyone agreed with that thought and we went after them.

We came to the border of the Dwarf and Giant lands and the giants ambushed us on the dwarven side.  I figured that made things pretty clear.  The party tracked down their base of opperations in a cave and we eventually ran intot he red skinned one.  We had to hack our way through giatns to get their.  They all attacked on sight before the leader, but we were in their place then.  So it was mixed feelings.

Their leader was very imposing but slow.  Finally started makign some head way with him.  I think he was jockying for position to get us to leave.  I think he realized we coudl kill him and would if he did not cease hostilities.  I was sure we would have to come back and put him to an end, but he was only speaking and was not being hostile.  Had some valid points as well, but I am sure he was just looking for doubt to exploit.  Anyway thats when Arkolio started firing arrows into him.  The giants charged, Sasha backed away hopign to keep it form escalating to deaths.  But it was too late, he was massive, he killed Lance, Argali and Arkolio before I could toss more than a potion.  There was no way I was going to go against Sasha and attack him, when I know it was Arkolio picked the fight.  Truth was, I didn't try to toss a potion on him.  Just the others.   The leader died in a storm after taking brutal wounds.  Then we were forced to kill the remaining to giants and see to our dead.  Was a terrible event all around.  Sasha threw Ark into a wall, yelled at him and busted his lip.  I was and am very proud of her.  I have always had my questions to her relationship to Ark.  Always wondered if that is why she was on the out with her church...something he did and she was too stupidly loyal to him to not do the right thing.

I told Ark he was wrong and that the giants we being peaceful and that he started the fight that lead to the and left.  I don't think he really heard me, he was still stunned that Sasha hit him.  He threatened her.  Never said what he would do, and I still don't beleive he'd have her physcially hurt.  But I don't really know him, and can't say I want to.  But I always had the feeling he did not like me.  I will be avoiding Vehl for a while.  Try to let things cool down.  I am really begining to not like him.  He acts like a haughty elf, looking down on everyone that is not of his station.  

Time to go hit something.  At least I did get to spend time with Sasha.  Even if the price was high, I'll gladly pay it.

~R

[Aerimor]

Arkolio is no longer, wether karma of bad luck, he has left this world.  It seems the fallout will be differant than expected.  Sasha seems to be doing well, of course that is all she will allowe herself I am sure.

Hey, I just had an idea.  For all his short comings he did manage to do a good deal of good.  I could carve a statue and have it delivered to the business he and Sasha ran.  And they could keep it there or find a spot for it in the town.  Let it be a symbol of life and hope in a town as dark as Vehl.  Let it be some token of closure for Sasha.  Just because he was a self-centered jerk doesn't mean everyone has to know.  He is dead now.

Yes, I think I will order a block of stone and start right away.  Its been a few weeks since I did anything positive...this may work out very good.  

And without doubt...clothed!

[Aerimor]

Curse Jaelle.  I am trying to help with the port attacks.  It looks like some red eyed vampire thingy is responsible.  And it looks liek were trying to sneak something into and or out of Leringard.  Likely its still in town if it was into.  Anyway others had the same idea we all ended up in Arnax where the latest ship was found.  Found out there was a survivor and Jaelle and some questioned him.  Also managed to get onto the boat.  Found peices of people scattered all over.  Found barrels of magical accerlerate that appeared to of been used for some necromantic release.  And fey eggs of some sort.  People which into differant paths after that.

Three young ladies of Xeen approached me about helped to save a man's life.  I was not given much information, but i agreed anyway.  A life is a life.  We took him to Katharien where I am not positive but I think he had to work off his boat fair and then was to be free to start again.  He got mixed up in this whole thing somehow.  Seems a lot of people from lords, to corrupt officials to workign men where used on this.  That is what happens when noone watches those who are suppose to watch and protect others.  Anyway we got him there without trouble.

Also gave me a chance to talk to Ember, Bree and to some small bit Mai.  Seems Mai is a Xeenite that I am use to seeing.  But the other two... well apparently are not s for Xeen or like Dessy nymphos.  I think Ember is hiding some importatn things for me as of yet.  But she reassures me everything is by free will.  So I guess that means its all peer pressure.  Can't save people from themselves.  There are enough fights worth fighting, I am not going to champion any more Jaelles in my life time.  But Ember and Bree tell me that Xeen wishes to bring pleasure and pain into the world.  But each person has their own means, specialities and desires.  And more importantly the pain is upon request only.  For those that that is their kinda thing.  As someone that felt the bite of the whip, I can't imagine wanting something like that.  But I also know the madness that lurks just across that line.  As long as its be request I guess its their choice to make.

I think I like Bree a fair deal.  She's smart, capable, beautiful... but very quiet.  And until I know what her thoughts are on bringing pleasure into the world and how and what she thinks of brining pain, I'll keep a guarded heart.  Ember is very enticing and intriguing, but I am sure she is hiding much.  It worries me but she deserves the benifiet of the doubt.  She has only shown me kindness.  I have been sleeping with the two and very often three of them for a few weeks now.  But just sleeping.  It helps with the nightmares and well I like to have someone to snuggle with.  For the moment they are staying in my room before we head form Leringard to the next stop in the trail.

While in Leri we met a man with ties into this whole thing.  He seems knowledgable, upfront, and straightforward.  It's a nice change.  He told us about the vampires from the survivor's memories.  Somehow Jay stole that image.  When Yer asked for a discription Jay instead made a all too convincing illusion of it.  Now I can't get those  cruel red eyes out of my dreams.  And it has dredged up a nightmare I put to rest, and stirred up all my normal ones.  Now instead of my normal 3 nightmares a week, no more than one ever being enough to wake me, I have 5.  And I seem to wake myself or other form half of them.  I know its just because its recent, and I'm tired, and seeing all those corpses broken, ripped into pieces and strewn across the ship is working as me too.  It just needs time to settle down and find its place with the rest of them.  I deserve my nightmares, and I hope most of them go away when I keep my promise to Anne.  But I didn't deserve this red eye, I want him gone.

Jaelle came poking around and convinced me that she could help others or at least be better prepared to help others if we face this thing some day.  I'd sure like to drive a stake into his chest rather than stand by whimpering like a puppy.  So I let her 'listen'  I told her if she tried to poke around, that i would truely hate her for the first time.  Well in the end, she told me I was tramatized that there ws nothing she could do but refer me to a friend.  That friend wanted me to spend month talkign to him about how I feel,  I told him thanks for his time but I'd cope on my own.  I managed to manage so far.  And before Jay and I parted she did her old tricks again, make everythign as difficult as possible.  Make you just tired of being around her, and then keep picking away.  I told her I had enough and I should leave.  And she pulled her emotional blackmail trick and so I told her what I really thought.  IT was just like old times.  I didn't want to fight with her, I never have.  But she is so selfish! There is only her in her life, and what others can do for her.  Well, can't save someone form themselves,  that's what I learned form Jay.  So I left, I don't need her approval, I don't need to save her and I know she won't let me be in Aislin's life so avoidance is the best policy.

I just pray that Aislin ...  I just pray for Aislin.  I hope she does not turn out like her mother, a wretched, cruel, self centered creature that lives off of using people.  She said she thought I was evil!  I'd hate her.. if I could.

Well I hope when she has this new kid, Aislin has family worth loving.

[Aerimor]

Things With Zari progress, she still panics when caught off guard or if magic is used to hold her. She is getting better at not panicing beyond thought when simply bound though.  There is much to do to help her yet.  But the fear was deep and many years ago.  As long as we are making progress, she will get there. One day at a time.  I have nothing but love and faith in her, as long as we can continue these sessions without anything drastic happening she will learn to control her fears, or at least these.  If she had faith in more, a god, a cause, a belief I believe she would accomplish this much faster. It is easier when you can write off part of the responsibilities of life to another, be it a person, belief, god or emotion.  Anger is a powerful tool, anger may blind you to many things, but anger can also blind you to fear.  Love allows people to endure terrible things, assigning a worth to someone or somethign else greater than their own plight.  Beliefs are powerful and dangerous things
being able to believe in a destiny allows many to look past the here and now, to wait for an oppurunity and sieze it.  And gods.... The power of faith is as great as that of love.  It can empower the weak and make mighty heros of the strong.

Zari needs to find in herself something greater.  AS wonderful, beautiful of spirit and alive as she is, she would shine like the sun with fire of purpose.  Even now her training she does not always do for her own good, it pains
me at times to know she allows it to continue out of her love for me.  Yes I know she has felt a change as we train, that logically she knows she is doing the right thing.  But there are times were she'd revert, quit, hide from the pain of the past and burry it as deep as she could.  It is in these moments of despair that only her belief in me and my love for her that she continues on.  These are nights where despair clenches at my heart, where my nightmares come at me hardest.  Where the whispers of darkness tell me I am wrong that I am using our love as a tool.  For there is truth in those dark thoughts.
I am using it as a tool, there are times when that is the only thing that can motivate.  Most often when I awake I can once again push those dark thoughts and despairs from my mind, I know I am performing the greater good.  I hurt her to make her stronger, so others can not hurt her like this.  To give her control over her fears.  For her to know in her heart she is deservent of the brightest things in life, to embrace life, love and be empowered by it, to thrive.



Daniella, my friend of great faith seems greatly troubled by the very issue I work with Zari about.  Fear, plain and simple. For all her faith in Toran she is afraid of things outside of her direct influence.  Since about the time she spoke with Anne her faith has been put to even greater test.  She approaches everything the same way, but this battle is differant
than any she has waged before.  She thinks Anne is testing her, sharpening her edge to be a weapon for Toran.  She seems to think her tests are of awarness, and martial abilities.  She has been to caught up with her sphere of direct influence to look at the real test being administered.  The sharpest blade will dull.  The strongest blade will continue to endure long after lossing its edge.  Anne and her lackies are waging a pscyhological war on Daniella, not one of body. And for now, they are winning, they are bending her.  Her sleep is troubled, I imagine fears and nightmares plague her dreams.  She is cautious about even going home, to her safe haven, because the sanctity was breached.  I imagine some part of her relationship with Chaynce is even now begining to strain.  Daniella should be wary of allowing herself to become isolated or allowing others to control or predict her actions.  I know Chaynce would not blink an eye if the the last shred of my soul departed this world.  But I would morn his passing.  I fear for Daniella if she lost Chaynce.  For all the things I mentioned above about the power of faith, life is not to be lived alone.  Why Daniella is drawn to Chaynce and myself is because we are differant than what she is use to.  Neither he or I would ever adhere to any tradition, law or action simply because it was expected.  We do things because we feel they are right.

My beloved Anne, I know your motivation force, Daniella.  I hold true you still work for the greater good in and of itself.  I have faith you remain dedicated to Toran.  I fear you have distorted what Toran's beliefs are, what your truths were, that you play with things too dark.  But as much as I am at best an after thought in your life, a night's pleasant dream, I know you are obsessed with Daniella.  I believe it is to empower her to succeed where you have not, to stay the path where you felt you were forced to find a new one.  You are now trapped in a dark and dangerous game.  Would you have Daniella strike you down? Do you believe you will find your absolution on a blade? Do you think Toran will forgive you if you accomplish your goal?  Will you attempt to buy forgivness with accomplishment?  Careful you do not stray too far over the line.  The path to many hells is cut with good intentions.

[Aerimor]

I got a letter from Jevan that asked for me to meet him in Vehl, the one eyed Harpy.  Was too odd to pass up on its own and I'd of went wherever he asked anyway.  We write some times, mostly he sends an occasional
letter to tell me where he is working and on what.  Then he nags me to sweep my place and asks if I learned how to sculpt what's in my head instead of letting my heart get in the way as usual.  I send some cute remark
back and tell him that I introduce myself to everyone as his most talented pupil.  For some reason he doesn't write back for a couple months or so and we go through the same. I really do like him, just always thought he
needed someone in his life.  

So I met with Javen and the exchange was all too brief, it fell into our normal comfortable routine.  He harrased me about only doing figure art, lacking focus and how telling people I studied under him is ruining his reputation.  I told him I missed him too and asked him why I was called forth.  Then Zira noticed a ring on his finger. Oh ya, Benji and Zira came with me.  Zira is always interested in my art heck anyones art and I guess Benji was bored and was talking to Zira bout joining the Angels.  Turns out the ring is some Ilsarian Band.  Zira says that Ilsarian's get or give (I'll have to clarify that) them to those that prove themselves worthy of what they represent.  Guess they represent devotions to some of the ideals that Ilsare holds as her
ideals.  There was Creation, Inspiration, Moment, Faith, Clarity and umm Reflection?  I see they don't pass out bands of Love, so they must be devoted just to the Arts I am thinking.  Anyway Jevan had a band of Creation
and it was a work of art.  And Zira mentioned it and turns out that Javen and Emiline have something going on! The old dog!  Seems she is chipping away at his stoney exterior.  And better yet, from the sounds of it she has not
conformed to his style at all.  Sculpting what and when her inspiration takes her.  It'll be great for Javen, I am very happy for him. Turns out that a talented figure sculptor by the name of Kroft died when the tsunami
hit and that his widow contacted Javen to clear out and buy his inventory of stone.  Jevan I guess didn't like trying to get in and out before the next wave and thought an adventurer like myself would be up for the task. So after good byes and a hug we hired a boat and left up the coast.  Lana happened to be in Vehl and joined us.

We got to this little hamlet of a village, not even a dot on the map I'd guess and it was half destroyed.  Wretched and homless folks, the town didn't do that well with the first wave and there was another on the way.  Noone told
them about the second wave and they are too small for anyone to send aid to so we ended up with two missions.  We talked to the widow and she was beyond misery, she just wanted to start again.  I told her a second wave
was comming and after looking over the remaining stones in her husband's studio I paid her twenty thousand for rights to salvage what I could before the next wave rolled in.  Wish we had time to save it all.  Wish some of his works were salvagable.  Wish he could of been saved, from what I saw of his shattered works he was remarkable.  Bloody hells wish we could have stopped the wave before it hit, think of all the lives lost.  There has been too much death from the fire in Leringard to the wave on the coast.  It's times like this where it hurts to be an Aeridinite. All of that cycle of life and death is the conclusion of life .  They are words that attempt to give comfort to those that are still alive when they have had their hearts broken from
lossing those they love.  I know it is how things are but it stinks.  

Well I'm proud of our group, Zira convinced the townfolk to leave their homes and move inland either to start again or to at least wait out the next wave.  I hired the lot of them to help move the stones we could save.  I paid them over 5,000 true and all the food I had.  I know I could of got the help I needed for closer to 500 gold, but that wasn't the point.  By paying 5,000 everyone was able to afford to go and to be cared for until they found new homes or returned to repair what is left of theirs.  And they got to keep their dignity and I got to feel like I did something good.  And its just money afterall.  Zira and Ben were indespensable and Lana was a lot fo help.

Finally got the stone moved to this small town I'm in now, where I write this journal.  There are many beautiful stones that we have salvaged.  I decided I am going to make that sculpture of Arkolio here, now.  I have seen too
much death recently.  I am drowning in the waves of despair that follow in the wake of the tsumani.  I need to do this.  I have to do this.  And it has to be good.  It needs to give me hope that I am not forver to be as medicore as Jevan predicts.  It needs to be good enough for him to not be ashamed to have helped train me. It needs to be inspirational enough to give someone hope that there is beauty and hope in the world for them. It needs to be emotional enough for Sasha to have a route to closure with him.  It has to
be tough on her knowing that one of or their last time together she busted his lip.  It has to be motivating enough that Arkolio is used to accomplish something good, something that will make him roll over in his grave.

There was a exceptional stone of marble with light blue tint, truely master of masters type stone.  The thing intimidates me to even imagine carving something out of.  But after talkign with the others I am going to use it.
With all the pressure on to prove to everyone and myself I am not just fool that is hopelessly chasing a dream, I need to make this one work.  I need to do my best work.  Even if I have to use a marquette and measure everything
and all of the other stuff I hate doing.  When you look at what I have made and what Javen makes, there is no doubting his results.  I'll make him proud.

[Aerimor]

I free handed the marquette, its perfect.  Exactly the right pose.  And I think I have every detail of him exact.  Every hair and scar.  Glad I decided to follow Jevan's procedure and make the marquette. This is going to be something special I can feel it.  Time to get to work on this, all I have to do is mark up the marquette.  Simple, no real thought, and nothing to mess up now.  As he always said use a marquette and save stone.