Razeriem-Yet to be named.

[Aerimor]

I've been alone in this house for weeks now, just me and my work.  I am cutting no corners.  Measure, check, recheck and strike.  Perfect form, no room for error.  And I sweep often.  Jevan would be proud. I am even using the chisel in my left hand, the way right handed people do, the way Jevan does.  Everything by the book on this one.  No chance for error, no chance for discrpency.  I just have to moch up the marquette. Its all going smoothly.

[Aerimor]

I'm a failure, the sculpture is finished.  Well it needs to be polished but I can't bring myself to it. I don't understand, I slaved over this thing for weeks and its so mundane, boring.  The marquette was beautiful. And the statue is anything but special. I don't understand, my technique was disciplined, my measurements perfect and my model exceptional.  The stone was masterful, my tools are the best.  I did everything exactly the way I was taught and its nothing special. Maybe Father and Jevan were right.  

I'm done here. I'm nothing special. I am going home.

[Aerimor]

Zari says I'm over reacting and it can't be as bad as I make it out to be.  She insists we go back.  I don't want to, but I agreed.  I can't bear to look into the light in her eyes and tell her I couldn't do it.  Better to let her see it for herself.  If nothing else I need to have those stones shipped to someone that can use them.

[Aerimor]

I don't know how she did it but she got me to agree to try again.  I swear she sounds more like Zira everytime I turn around.  I wonder when she will know she's an Ilsarian inside?

She told me she had faith in me and I was going about it wrong.  She said I had to love Arkolio to make it work.  I told her I didn't think I could do that.  She said sometimes loving was hard, like I don't know?  Ark was not a nice person. And asked if I instead could just love what I was doing.  Asked
her if i could just do it for her or Jevan or something.  She said it needed to be for me, I think? Sometimes she's hard even for me to follow.  Guess that's one of the reasons I love her.  

We hashed things out, I don't rememeber what was her ideas and what was mine any more.  We share so much its often the same anyway. I just know that we decided if I was going to try it again it was going to be my way and it was going to be fun and a creation instead of work.  I told her to keep the Marquette, I was going to free hand it. I know Jevan would never approve but I figured I already failed, this was just for fun, I couldn't fail twice.
Besides without his influence on my chisel and mallet techinuqe I'd still be an amatuer bruising stones all of the time.  I decided to switch hands too, hold my chisel with my right hand again like I do with my rapier.  And there was going to be no measurements.  I hate measurments. And decided to use a beautiful but simple white marble.  And lastly it was Zari's challenge to keep me form being to serious, from making it work instead of fun.  I love her.

She was always there to keep me on track and not getting overwhelmed by the project to just have fun in the moment and let the whole work itself out.  She started drawing again, I have not seen her draw in too long.  It makes my heart smile. I am having fun.

[Aerimor]

It'll be done soon and while I hope its good, it doesn't have to be.  It was fun creating it and the time spent with Zari was reward enough.

[Aerimor]

Wow.  Well its done, actually just needs to be polished.  I'm going to let Zari help, I don't need to spend  that much time buffing Arkolio's butt anyway.
 
Its good.  The sculpture, its really good I mean.  

Guess Zari is my muse.  And she really was Ilsare incarnate for me on this.  

I'm not sure I believe I made that.  It's good.  I can't believe it came from my hand.  

Its better than anything I've ever done.

By leaps and bounds.  

Zari loves it of course.

[Aerimor]

I'm headed home....finally.  I don't Know where to begin.  With the riot, the stocks, the bribing, the sculpture, Zari or being arrested.

So Zari and I got the wagon to Vehl and rented temporary storage for it while we went to talk to an official about donating it and seeing what type of home we could get it.   All easy peasy as it should be.  But when we finally get to see this guy, he want's a thousand gold to have it placed somewhere. And no promises where at that. If it was just me, I think I'd of just paid the bribe and enough more to get it someplace nice and wrote it off to the greater good.  I mean that's how Vehl is right?

But Zari didn't want any part of it and was taking a moral stand. And well I can't let Zari down, she's my Zari.  So The best good became supporting Zari, so we decided to try to find a sponsor and go about it the right way.

We arranged to have the wagon pull the statue past the government buildings as they were getting out and for the statue to be uncovered.  Hoping someone in the government would start a conversation and we could have them pull it through channels.  But either noone in government cares about art or they took the day off.  The law cited me for holding up traffic or something and fined me.  Told us to get moving or we'd be in more trouble.
I didn't notice at the time that anyone cared for the sculpture one way or the other so I was determined to take it to the docks and if Sasha was at the vault let her decide its fate.  And if noone along the way expressed interest and Sasha was not there to just have it dumped in the harbor.  I would be hurt me that noone else thought it worth keeping, but at least I would have had the pleasure of making it and knowing I can do something better than average.  Guess I was lost in these thoughts because...

Zari started inciting the crowd that had gathered to what the comotion was over.  I shouldn't have but I didn't discourage here.  Guess I didn't really want to dump the sculptue in the harbor.  She ended up on the wagon, getting the crowd riled up.  Then the law showed up again and told her to get down immediatly and get moving or be arrested.  I tried to get her to call it off.  We have come too far in her recovery to have a relapse.  I just didn't need her locked up yet, I wasn't ready to gamble.  

But she's Zari, she only saw what she thought was right or should I say what she thought was wrong and tried to get people involved. So the guards came for her and I Invised her, but she didn't stop yelling about the wrongs so the guards had no trouble grabbing her.  And when they started hauling her away I could only think of how to protect her.  So I thunderclaped her and those holding her.  That just brought in more guards and they started hauling her off again.  So I threw another clap, my last and tried to daze them all and get to her before they recovered.  By some ill fate one of the ones holding her shook it off and continued hauling her away.  I didn't have any more spells that wouldn't hurt someone and there were too many guards for me to elude them or fight them without drawing blood.  So I  
surrendered and let them jail me too.  That way I could be with her, talk to her, keep her calm.

Well the next few hours were tough, with all the chaos Zari left in her path it sounded like a riot outside.  She was fearful the statue was lost, I was afraid someone might have been hurt.  It's just a statue, nothing by my hand is worth the blood of another.  I know I'm not the perfect Aeridinite and so coes the Big A, but things are not worth life.  That's why I'm with Aeridin and am clearly not an Ilsarian as some have proclaimed.  When the moment of choice came between art and life I never hesitated to go to Zari's side.  And I'd not of spilt blood of the guards even if they destroyed the sculpture in front of my eyes.  Even now I don't know if anyone got seriously hurt from those events and I really don't want to know.  

They seperated us and kept us locked up for days. Then the Rofierintes sentenced us to a day in the stocks.  At least I don't have to pay that stupid 50 true fine for disrupting traffic or whatever it was!  

All in all Zari took the jail and stocks better than I thought.  WE talked while jailed but once she got put in the stocks she just started yelling at the atrocities of government at the top of her lungs.  Before long she just complained in hoarse speach.  And finally with only a whisper of a voice she started to panic.  I was away to my removed place, lost between the numbers, and was all but absent from my body while she was yelling.  It wasn't until she started panicing those hours later that I was actually there in the stocks, near her.  I talked to her, told her to count.  Count to ten,
then a hundred, then the people going by.  Anything to have her not get overwhelmed.  

We still had about a quarter of the day to go when they released us.  Guard thought someone must of paid a fine and had the rest of our time wiped.  I really don't know who could of done it, noone even approached us as we left.

We heard the statue got put somewhere on display, but we never went to see it.  I just wanted to get Zari home and reinforce that she did tremendous with the confinment.  To point out how far she has come in the last year.  

I bought some herbs and roots before we boarded the boat and made her some magical throat tonic that had her able to gripe again in no time.  Guess all that time mixing heal potion and bandaging wounds came in useful.

That's where we are now, sailing home.  Looks like we missed the second wave, we will have to get caught up on that as well.  And maybe someday I'll come back to see what back alley they stuck my statue on and if any of the stray cats and dogs appreciate it.  

It was all still worth it.  I created something beautiful.  I am just apparently too idealistic and unrealistic in my dreams.  Its just a statue, people pass all sorts of statues all the time and never take a second look.  And as great as it turned out, I know Javen would have done at least as good if not better.  As always I was simply a fool.  Trying to tell myself I could be something special if I made something special.  I'm not sure I'll ever carve any better than I just have and my creation one of my dreams will slowly die on some back alley.  My selfish hope now is that one person sees it and has one dream they would never of had otherwise. One person might not seem like a grand goal, but its enough for me.

For now, I found out what I needed to know.  I would never make it as a professional.  No more dreams of greatness as a sculptor, to change the world.  Whenever I sculpt it well be for me and those I love, for the love of creation.  For the love of giving life to a piece of stone.  

Never again will sculpting be work and I'll only refer to them as creations from here on, never works.  I thought I'd have no desire to pick up a chisel again for a while after this.  But in a way I feel more free.  I tried and I failed, story of my life.  I get turned down all the time when asking women out in a way its the same thing.

*ink dots on the page here from tapping of a quill.*

And more importantly I found my muse in Zari, my refound my enjoyment in the act of creation alone.  And in that a burden has been lifted.  I started sculpting again because it was somethign I enjoyed.

When I get home its time for two more sculptures to start.  One of my Muse, Zari.  And for the other, its time for me to collect from Tyra.  I said I'd put Kroft's stone's to use and I will.  We salvaged some gorgeous rose marble and I'll do them both in rose.  And I've already decided, the more Tyra whines, the more fun I'll have with it.  If she can be mature about it, so will I.
But if she want's to bemoan what she picked then the gloves are off.  

Quick thought: she's a lot better student than I thought she'd be.  I never thought she'd follow instructions as well and practice it all when she could cut corners.

Time to go practice on that fascinating storm spell, I am really anxious to get this figured out now that I bought a scroll to practice from.  That spell is so me!  

~Razeriem

P.s.: Sorry Jevan, I'll take everything you taught me about technique and chisel work and use it always.  But I'm not you I can't just cereberally transfer the image to stone.  I have to make it from me, make it through my eyes, my heart.  If that means you will always be too ashamed to admite I was you pupil. And I'll never amount to something special in your eyes ... Well I already have a lifetime experience of being a dissapointment.  I can't be something I am not, not even for someone I love like family.

Self Note: Write Jevan a letter of thanks and apology.

[Aerimor]

*Copy of letter sent to Jevan*

Jevan,

  Thank you for the information on Kroft.  It was a heart wrenching experience seeing his widow, his village, and the fragments of broken works.  He was truely talented and without doubt kept his studio well swept. We managed to convince the villigers to move inland before the second wave came and I gave them enough coin to see them through the toughest times.  I paid Mrs Kroft twenty thousand true for the rights to salavge what we could before the second wave arrived. I believe it a fair amount, arranging transport was difficult.  So difficult that I decided to just stay in a small
town near gloom woods and work on a creation instead of hauling it all back with the second wave impending. I could have salvaged another twenty thousand worth of materials if we had time, but we simply did not.

I decided to make a sculpture of one of Vehl's few heros, Arkolio.  I wanted to make something that would make you proud and to inspire others.  The project failed as the result was lackluster.  I did everything as you taught me, but I seem to be a poor student.  I still do not know how you managed to put up with me for those months.  My discipline must have been appaling to you.  

I tried the sculpture once again free form, from my mind's eye.  I know you must be grinding your teeth at such a thought and show of lack of discipline.  
But I had to try it my way, for me. I tried it the right way first and it was so unexceptional.  It was good I guess.  But nothing near your expectation.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and I can't get the detachment you can I guess.  

So I brought in the pretty blonde girl you found so distracting and let her be my muse. She kept her clothes on and was there for the company.  Someone to share the days with and enjoy the act of creation. In any event, I finished the creation and took it to Vehl to donate it.  Her and I are apparently not adept at handling politics and caused a stir.  I never mentioned you taught me, don't worry.  Well my sculpture and I got seperated and its on display on some alley somewhere.  I thought you might look it over the next time you get to Vehl and give me some constructive criticism if you get the time.  But I do not plan to make anything else for public consumption, so that's the only one there will be.  You need not worry about me harming your reputation any further than that.  

I am going back to figure art almost extensivly.  If I find something else I want to sculpt, then I will.  I am not limiting myself to only figure art.  I have just decided I am sculpting for the enjoyment of creation.  And as we both know, I am a simple minded man and that is where my heart most often lies. The world diminished by two extremely talented figure sculptors in the last few years so I am sure there is room for me for now.

I will always be grateful for my time as your pupil.  You are a good man and I am happy for you an Emiline.

I will always take every chisel and mallet technique you taught me into every sculpture I create. I will never have your consistancy but you have given me the tools to succeed.  My hope is that I don't turn out anything shameful.  That everything is at least presentable, and with practice good.  

But I will always be looking for more, for perfection.  But I am happy to enjoy it again.  I was making it work, and as we both know, I'm not good at working.

Your favorite student ever,

~Razeriem

P.S.: Emiline, I am so sorry I choose to train with Jevan instead of you.  Sure I think I have learned more from my time with Jevan than I'd of been able to gather from the Ilsarian free form classes.  I'm notoriously undisciplined and withotu doubt would have spent most of my days revealing in your beauty instead of focusing on sculpting.  

But if I would have known my depature would have left you so weak of heart that you would have been reduced to looking for the inner beauty of a cranky ole perfectionist, I'd have never left you.

If you name is Jevan do not read on:  I seriously have no idea how you are doing it but it is simply beautiful to see the changes in Jevan.  You are truely gifted beyond words.  Take care of him and don't let him conform you. Might look to learn what you can of his chisel technique though, he is gifted.  And undoubtably deserves the ring you got him to wear, however you managed that.  My teacher the Ilsarian.  If either of you ever need anything just ask, I love you both dearly.

~Raz

[Aerimor]

*copy of letter sent to Tyra*


Dear Tyra dear,

Forgive me for being out of touch, but at least jail gave me some time to write you a letter. I should be back in Leringard soon. I hope you have been practicing what I last sent. Time for us to get back to lessons. Next week our normal classes are back on. Free your schedule if you need to, but I expect to be seeing a lot more of you for the time being. I recently made a purchase of high quality marble and am anxious to play with them. If you can spare the time, lets double the sessions for the next couple weeks. Where are you living now that the Arms are closed? Local inn? I can free up a room for you if it would make things easier on you. Room would be all yours. Let me know and I'll hire someone to prepare it for you.

Its time to collect on your offered payment. Come prepared. Also if I have not said it you have been a great student so far. Obviously far more disciplined then myself. You have done very well with the basics so far.
If you have kept your partice up on the gramar, conjugation, tenses and all the other junk I gave you, I think with a little boot camp practicing we can have you speaking like a child soon enough. Walk before you run and all of that.

Clear your schedule, join me for double lessons for a couple months and lets see if I can give you the tools to start learning some on your own. Dress aproperiatly and I will see you soon.

With Love and admiration,

~Raz

*In Elven.* The dreams of tommorow are given wings by the actions of today.
__________________

[Aerimor]

Well I am at the Breath of the Muse.  Zira has been trying to convert Zari over to Ilsare.  Hells she thinks she is going to convert me.  But truth is I really like Ilsare a lot, heck I bet she can kiss almost as wonderfully as I can.  However I think she has her eyes on something more long lasting and I'm not worth her hassal.  Especially considering I am with Aeridin for the time being and trying to shake things up for him.  Tough stuff, the to-dos in the Aeridin church just ignore me.  I figured they'd at least denounced me, tried to run me off, or threaten to say harsh words to me by now.  I can't figure out how to make them take notice, and I havn't the influence to reach the younger AEridnites before they get brain washed with all the its unholy to defend your beliefs and life with lethal force stuff.  Aeridin isn't even understood by the majority of his followers, its very sad.  Anyway I got side tracked.  I figure Ilsare out of respect for Aeridin is keeping a hands off approach with me even though she likes my sisters and is looking for more return for her investments than someone than someone like me.

I love Zari with my every fiber, but she is too much like me for her own good.  However she has thought that Ilsare hated her.  I have always known Ilsare doesn't hate me, I've just never been worth her time. I don't think Ilsare hates anyone, and in anycase she'd never hate someone as beautiful
of heart as Zari.  Zari's 'curse' is not from Ilsare, its from beings as physically compelling as she is and having a betrayer for a father.  A kid needs the love of their parents in their life or they grow up screwed up. Zari had her mother and many years latter her 'other' dad to some degree.  But she also had our father, and I know he hurt her by never being there for her, never making her feel like she was the most special thing on Layonora.  And when your young, a kid takes that to heart, it gets into their heart and mind.  They learn that they are not that important, that everyone else is more important.  And then they expect to be treated poorly, to be second to other more important people.  And there are always people to use weakness against you.  Many people over the years have reinforced to Zari that her worth is in being a possession to them.  If she didn't have the love of her mother I think she'd of been lost by now. But from her mother she has that spark inside her that knows what love is.  And thus she hopes to find it even if she thinks it is a fairy tale.

Its shocking what damage one person can do to so many.  Zira and Zak as well have been touched by his selfishness.  Father's cavalier life lead to the heartbreak and death of their mother.  So they too grew up without the love
of their parents.  In this case he felt guilty and supplied them with all the coin and material goods to see them through childhood.  Zira says he also visited often.  All of those times Zari and I went without a father he was
at least attempting to be some token of one to them.  Zira found the love she needed in Ilsare and her followers and was able to see the 'good' in the attempt Father made for them.  While Zak shouldered the load of protector
for his little sister and was forced to skip many of the joys of childhood.  Like myself Zak can not forgive Father. I know once, when Zari needed him most Father had one act of redemntion and saved her from death.  But I do not
believe that single act can attone for the lifetime of slowly killing his daughter's spirit.  If he would of made time for her, and treated her half as well as she deserved chances are she'd never fell victim to the worthless
pyscotic in the first place.  No to me his one act was easy, it was only one action in a lifetime of oppurtunities. Likely it was the only meaningful time he ever spent with her.  It was an act that was likely as much to keep him
from loosing a peice of his soul as it was to help save her.  

I know I'm not suppose to, but I still hate him.  I wish he'd never given that little boy a wooden rapier, made him believe, made him think he was special, that he could change the world. And then take it all away, reveal it is for
the lie it was. That that skinny little boy wasn't even special enough for his parents to love.

All I wanted is for one person to love me and think I was special when I was growing up.  Now at least finally I have four.  Granted Zira and Zak think im somebody because the blood of the man I can not forgive and they just long for the family they never had.  Zari I think loves me because I love her for who she is.  Because I treat her how she knows she should be treated inside, because her mother put that spark there all those years ago. But will she still love me when she finally realizes that everyone should treat her this way? That its her that is special for being her, not me for seeing the truth of who she is.  

The fourth is Mera.  She is so alive, wonderful and perfect.  She has the good fortune of having three parents that love her. Thus proving what love for a child means. I have my fears of course that things will change as she grows, that she will someday see the same thing my parents saw. And that love she has in her eyes when she looks at me will one day extinshguish.  And that I will be that little boy again, alone in the world.


But for now, for this moment in time, she loves me and thinks I am special.  And that's enough for me.


~R

[Aerimor]

Somehow I never even began to write what I intended to yesterday.  I guess my emotions got away from me.  That I needed to pen those thoughts yesterday to clear way for my creations while I'm here.  There is a sculpture here at the Muse of Ilsare that is simply perfect.  It really has an effect on me.  From a techinical aspect its flawless, but I'm not so impressed with that after training with Jevan.  Its the intangibles that stir my feelings.  From why that vision of Ilsare to the lights set to highlight it once it was moved into its home here.  Its like what I see in my heart before I set to make a sculpture.  I am a good sculptor now, but I always have trouble setting to stone the images inside me.  And this sculpture is exactly that, I don't know how else to explain it.  It as if giving it life in stone did nothing to diminish the maginifience of life it knew in the sculptor's heart.

It's special, something I am pleased to see exsist in the world.  Only stands to reason such a things of beauty would find its home in the Temple of Ilsare.

I do not plan to stay here long.  I feel guilty for taking up space in a place dedicated to Ilsare when I am not an Ilsarian.  They are very kind here and the place is as overwhelming as any first kiss.  I plan to stay just a few days, maybe a handful.  To give Zari a few subtle nudges.  She needs to know that Ilsare does not hate her.  Hate is an ugly thing to carry in a heart, especially one as beautiful as hers.  Zira seems to of fit right in, unsuprisingly.  

I'm just trying to make a few maquettes while the visions in my heart for them are strongest.  Once they are done, I'll head home.  

I found out a way to give something new to Aeridin, something that in theory would force some to look at him in a new light or get me knee-capped by his faithful.  The story of the end of the dark times seems to little known and even ignored by his own church.  Seems that those in highest influence want to paint Aeridin as a flawlessly peaceful and pacisfitic being.  One that would not harm no living creature.  But when in reality it was because Aeridin took it upon himself to fight that Corath's reign was ended.  Aeridin took arms against Corath and struck a blow that weakened him ended the dark times.  This blow was not  delivered by the Warrior gods Toran or Vorax or the Nature and Magic gods but by the God of Life.  I will not be so presumptious as to tell you no other God took up efforts against Corath.  But I will tell you
it was Aeridin that took up direct and possibly mortal combat.  That he was willing to take life to save life.  And tragically he was wounded as result of this.  Its possible he was only affronted the oppurtunity by the actions of one or more other gods that set the stage. And its possible that if other Gods would of helped that they would of routed Corath without Aeridin suffering his wound.  The wound that even now cripples him.

Ahh, I got side tracked again.  I miss the days when I didn't waste so much time on complex thoughts.  Alright that's not entirely true, but life was easier then.  I am making a maquette of Aeridin in righteous anger, sword in hand. And that alone will likely get me in trouble with many. The thought of Aeridin with a sword in hand will be too much for many.  In my mind it is of the whitest white marble.  I am also making a maquette  of Corath.  Of a sinister, dark and bitter creature shrinking away from battle after an exchange of blades.  This of course would be made in the darkest stone I could find that would hold the detail.

The other two I am working on is a women of fair face overwhelmed with anguish, loss, and misery.  I have seen too many mothers in recent weeks painted with this grief. Of lossing family due to fire and flood.  I feel that while this is considerably darker than my standard, its something I should do.  To give some body to these emotions.  In a way thats what I have done at times with the visions of my nightmares.  I Created small dark sculptures of undefined creatures, to give them body that I may see the fears of night in the light of day.  Most of these have seen the mallet once finished. A fate that will not be shared by the woman of anguish.

The last is simple inspiration of this place, that sculpture in the temple, the people here and my hopes for my sisters.  I wish to make a vision of Ilsare.  But I wish to incorporate some of the other arts into it.  I want to put the notes to a song upon her blouse, the words to a poem on her quiver, the arcane symbols for clarity and sight along her bow.  The words of a song in elven and common around its base.  Jewelry upon her.  Everything of rich detail.  Some arts will never lend themselves to display in stone, but to those that can I will see what I can add that will enhance the image.  We will see what I can imagine and how it turns out. If nothing else this will act as inspiration for myself.

~Raz

[Aerimor]

The second wave has passed.  I was near Karst when it hit.  I and a few other adventurers tried to get the few people still in town to leave.  But the disease their was horrid and the people remaining deranged.  They were
looting anything they could even as the wave approached.  The smell of death was overwhelming, the masses of bugs unbelievable.  Karst was so ill taken care of after the first wave, that bodies still litered the streets.  It was a grusome sight, the best thing that could happen was for the second wave to strike and wipe away the death that lingered there and give a chance for rebirth.  As the second wave neared undead rose from the waters and made their way into the hills where we waited.  We of course destroyed them.  But what I can't explain really how the dead came to rise.  Necromancy doesn't just spread itself and yet the best sense I could get is that because the place was so saturated with death, magic seeped seeped through and became necromancy.  That because there was so much death, the dead rose on their own through magic that called itself into being.  It just happened. I know it doens't work that way, but I think it did.  I'm sure there is someone smarter than me that will figure it out.  I just hope they do it soon, it's going to bother me until I figure out what caused it and how.  

But of course the wave came and its magnitude was greater than even what I imagined.  And it thundered through town earasing most of it in but one long moment.  The after math was water and destruction everywhere.  But in my mind it was cleaner, better than the long moment before.  The bugs, bodies, craziness and self generating Nacromancy was washed away.  A large group of dwarves arrived just before the wave with intent to repair the town.  I told them that there was going to be little to repair, they'd have to start over and that that was a blessing.  After the wave expended itself and the foulness was washed away it seems the others agreed with me.  I hung around briefly to see if anything could be done to help. But the Dwarves wasted no time and set about with construction new buildings.  I helped care for the few people that were pulled out of town and diseased.  Once that was in hand and only work on the town remained, I left.  Working has never been my strong point, better to leave it to the dwarves.

So I left and went past a few of the towns where the evacuees went to avoid the second wave.  I told them the town was being rebuilt from the ground up.  I purchased food and water and saw to it everyone had food for a months and a few coins to by other necessities.  I helped arrange transportation for some and departed.  It was enough that they each had a chance to start again.  In Karst, there or parts unknown.  I guess this is one of them Aeridinite thoughts of cycle.  That the town lived to point of sickness, died and now the next town can be reborn in strength. And each family will get to choose where to start their life anew. Still not sure I buy all that rhetoric about death being a good thing. But its hard to argue against it after seeing Karst before and after the second wave.

[Aerimor]

I finally made it home.  Zari is aglow since she returned form the Muse.  She seems to have come to some new truth that makes her happy.  I smile for her, she deserves the best.  If I could just convince her to drop that self-absorbed losser, I think she'd be all set. I really don't like him, he claims to be an Ilsarian, but he only loves himself if he even loves himself.  I think he is just obsessed with himself, right now everything in his life is about him.  He is me when I was a hundred or so.

I'd share with him my experiences from when I was what he is.  When I used people as I wanted.  As playing as a sculptor because it was easy points with females.  Of ... well so much more, but I know it would fall on deaf ears.  I know I wouldn't of listened, wouldn't of cared.  I just don't want him around Zari until he figures out life doesn't revolve around him.  Zari has made wonderful progress.  Hells, I think she may of just out matured me in one week.  But I intend to watch her and see how this friendship with Ilsare goes.  And if Zari learns to see the beauty inside of her exceeds her physical.  And most importantly if she is willing to let someone else take that beauty from her.  I am hopeful for her.  There is something stronger about her and I don't plan on letting some self centered idiot jeopradise it.  I see him for what he is and I am not impressed.

~Raz

[Aerimor]

I am not Aeridin's Champion any longer, I resigned.  It's been coming for a long time.  In many ways I do think it lasted longer than Aeridin expected it to.  Guess I'm just too stubborn sometimes.  Why did I leave? I am not entirely sure, really.  I know I like killing evil things more than I should as an Aeridinite.  I know I am as not pacifistic as I should be; sometimes I go to sword before all other options have been tried.  I know I fulfilled my deal with Aeridin to work for him, to represent him, to Champion him.  I have no doubts as I said that it lasted at least as long as he desired.  I have a feeling now that I am just in the wrong place; I never felt that until recently.
 
It started when Amanda died.  It broke my heart; I have never lost anyone I loved before.  It should have been a moment where I was comforted by my beliefs, instead I felt that Aeridin was wrong.  Aeridinites accept death as the conclusion of life.  I mean I know we all die, but that doesn't mean ...well I don't know how to say it.  I guess I love life too much to be an Aeridinite.  That doesn't sound right, but I think at its crux, it's true.   When death comes for me, and it will all too soon, it's going to have a fight on its hands, because I am --not- going quietly.   I was too stunned by disbelief and loss to realize it all then, but then Ben died too.  I really liked Ben.  So I was feeling all the same things again and I realized no matter the clothes I wear, or what I try to do, at my heart I am what I always was and will always be.  I am a fool that simply loves life.  I think this is what Aeridin was after from our deal.  He simply wanted me to know how in love with life I am.  Gods are supposed to be all tricky like that anyway.

I knew it a couple weeks ago in my heart but I had not yet crystallized it in my thoughts.  I was listening to Acacea tell the story of the first Harper and my mind in part started to wander.  While part of it was listening to the story, another part was admiring the eerie beauty of a young lady name Sam.  And it was then, that while unfocused, I started putting pieces in place.  Apparently Acacea's story had a few morals, the one I took from it was, to appreciate something the most, you may have to lose it.  The Harper gave up her voice for her love and ended up finding out that her love was in love with her voice and not her.  Hmm it made more sense before I wrote it down.  Well I think she was stupid!  She gave up who she was and was left with nothing.  Ilsare took pity and forged the first Harp for her that her fingers could sing where he voice never again would.
 
I could see an Aeridinite saying this is the same for the acceptance of death, to truly appreciate life; you have to understand the loss of life.  The hells with that! You can love life by living life!  Think that's where I always had my own view of Aeridin.  Most Aeridinites tell you that you should never take a life.  Or only take a life as a last resort.  And if you take a life you should feel remorse to the point where it would diminish your life.  That is a load of cow patties! I have never bought into that and never will.  I still think Aeridin is more with me than against me on this point, but guess I'll have to ask him later.  I think if you can save a life by taking the life of a servant of death, you kill the bastard.  A goblin or an evil man that wants to take your life has no right to it.  If you do not fight to protect your life then you do not honor life. You don't have to lose your life to fully appreciate it.

And for goodness' sake if you take the life of a monster or one that would kill others you should never let it diminish your life, your enjoyment of life or your zeal of life.  Yes taking life is a hard thing, and it would take one time to come to terms with it, but that's what they should do.  You either defend life or you allow it to be taken.  You either love life or you waste life.

Aeridin and I are still friends and in some ways that is better than the working arrangement we had.  We just disagree on the grace in which we accept death.

This will be good for me; I need to find out who I am again.  Since Amanda died I have been working myself in my studies of magic.  Yes, work.  I took the joy out of it because I promised Amanda I would keep studying and it allowed me to faux cope with her death.  But that is not what she meant and that is not who I am.  I will continue to study, but for the enjoyment of unraveling secrets and mysteries.  For the excitement of accomplishment and succeeding.  For the love of creation.  And yes, for the power to kill and protect.  But I will do it at my pace.  I am not meant to be so focused for so long, it's not who I am.   And I need to sculpt something to honor Amanda.  I had always wanted to sculpt her, to show the hidden her she kept just outside of view.  But not today, maybe in the future.  For now I am considering a diaz with representations of the schools of magic in opposition.  Like a chart or a zodiac with a symbol and a few of the more associated runes from each school.  I think she'd like that, a beginner's model for the young to visualize the abstract.  To put life to the words, the theories and the mountains of reading.

I think when I read this journal again it will make no sense and jump all over, but I feel better.  I feel I have been carrying burdens I need not have been.  I can get back to enjoying what the day brings.  And today that will be a trip to Lor.  I ran into Sasha in Hilm a week ago, seems she is deployed in Lor to help with some Rofy -- Prantz stuff.  I swear she works too much!  But now I know that she'll be there for a while; I plan to see to it that she enjoys herself too.  Gods I missed Sasha, and talking about carrying undue burdens...

Let me find Zari and Zira and tell them where I'll be, sculpting a spell form in Lor.  If I like it I may try some other things like it.  Chisel ritual circles somewhere.  Oh,  and I need to tell Zira if the Angel's decide to have a statue of Ben made, I am sculpting it.  Getting who he is will be hard enough for someone that knew him.

~Razeriem

[Aerimor]

She's dead! She's gone!  And they killed her.  They kept me from her, they killed her, they stood vigil and they burnt her and scattered her ashes into the ocean.

I hate you Toran!

After all we both went through in your name, for your church, to help your followers.  You brand her evil and send out three ships of Shining Hand to find and kill her?!  Where is your mercy?  Where were you when she asked for your help? You gave her life, inspiration and purpose.  And then when she brings your light into the darkest of places, you forsake her?!  She loved only you.  She saved your followers, she fought your enemy, and when your church came for her she surrendered and went with them to receive your judgement.  

And what happened then? Your church bypassed trial and had her executed, alone, outside of your light.  Then what happened Toran? You cast her back into the darkness she was fighting.  Drove her to your enemy, the only ally she could find to fix what was broken in your church, to look out for you.  Did you ever speak to her?  Did you ever send someone to offer a hand, to embrace her and bring her back? No!  You forgot about her, and even through this she was loyal.

And in the end, you sent three ships of your faithful to murder her.  Easier to discard than to care?  And then what? She was offered another mockery of a trail or death.  Does it surprise anyone she choose a quick death over another mockery and drawn out death.  And in her final act, she still showed you loyality!  She is stone bound, but did she return to the stone? No.  She gave everything else to you, and so she gave you her last gift, she went to the afterlife alone, and unloved and branded a traitor to her you, her Father.
If you didn't welcome her to your side now, and I know you didn't, then you are a joke and a hypocrite.  I don't know if Gods are ever judged, but if that day comes, you remember Anne well.  And when you are asked if you lived up to what your church proclaims you believe in, you think of how _you_ lost Anne.

At least I now know why Aeridin had to fight Corath alone.  You're a god of words, not beliefs.

Anne was not evil.  She was deceived and abandoned.  May Aeridin watch over her soul.  

I just pray there is a higher authority than you.  Someone to judge her fairly, or failing that, you.

Where is your loyality, honor, conviction and those other beliefs of yours?  She lived hers and followed them to death.

*Unsigned*

[Aerimor]

I can't get her out of my mind.  The nightmares are worse than they have ever been.  I remember my time with Anne while in that place.  But now my mind creates hints of her being wicked.  I know them to be lies, but they are powerful.  I see those red eyes from that vampire again as well, and I feel this all never happened, it was just 'red eyes' warping reality in my mind.  That I'll awake to Red Eyes' stare, and the last years never happened.  I think Anne will be alive if I can just break the hold of Red Eyes.  But when I awake, it's just another nightmare.  I dream of Daniella being sent by Toran to quiet me.  That my words sting too much for him to bare and he sends her to kill me.
 
And in my worst nightmares.  When Daniella comes to kill me, she proclaims me evil.  She says it's my fault that Anne was lost.  That I was put at her side, that I was trusted to keep her in the light.  That I failed her and she lost a mentor and friend.  That I failed and Toran lost a faithful daughter.  That I failed Anne and Corath stole her light.  That I failed because I was weak and my heart dark.  That I am evil and must be destroyed.  And in that moment I know her words to be true.  Her sword flares with white life of its own, wrath in its every licking mote of power.  Daniella does what she was born to do, and she vanquishes evil from the word, while Corath laughs.  My soul leaves unable to bare life again, and as I float to the beyond, each God casts scornful eyes my way as I go unspoken for.  I head to a point of oblivion and cross paths with the soul of Anne.  Her soul has obviously been waiting for me.  There is a moment of gleeful hope that turns to blackest pit of dispare and grief as her lifeless eyes find mind and pronounce me a traitor.  

I awake to blood on my sheets, my blood.  Before I have fully shaken off the cobwebs of sleep or the terror of nightmares, I have taken my Darkbane from my bedside and pierced my arm with it.  It's the only irrational comfort to an irrational dream.  I know that my blade with flare with divine energy if its tastes the flesh of evil.  As long as it doesn't flare, then I am not evil.  Then I did not fail her.

Right?

~Razeriem

[Aerimor]

I can't take being idle any longer.  I miss Anne terribly every waking moment and yet that's preferable to sleep.  I need to do something.  To prove Anne and I are not evil, and I need to do it before I become mad.  It's time to do more than talk and gather for this life on the high seas I have been planning.  I need to make it work.  To fight against true evil and help good folks.  The Red Bear are too slow for me, they take their time to make sure they do not make a mistake and have their ship sunk from under them.  I have a backer that is not afraid of risks in Steel.  But I need a ship yard to build my ship, I need a place to sell off captured ships and goods, I need a home port.  I need someone to believe in me.

I've done research on Lilwich, Hurm and the leaders of both.  If I can't find a home port there I don't know where to look.  The leader of Hurm will by captured ships, but he won't believe in me.  I've found out the Leader of Lilwich, Angelica Lilwich was a Bear and fancies a rapier.  Perhaps she will remember what it was like those years ago and take a gamble on a fool.  I am not one for patience and do not wish to waste years building up political contacts enough to meet her.  The only time I ever took the cautious way, I lost Anne.  I will not repeat that mistake.  Let me find a noble's ear or crash one of Angelica's functions.  Standing still is failure, charging ahead is a gamble.  I'd prefer to fail in attempting.

~Raz

[Aerimor]

I feel so listless; I don't know what to do.  I failed Anne, when she needed me most I wasn't there.  When she needed someone most no one was there.  What's the point of any of this if I can't even help my friends when they need me?  How do I think I'll make any difference to anyone if I can't even save the ones I care about most.  I failed Aislin and lost her to Jaelle.  The best I was able to do for Lealue was let her go without causing her grief of a fool for a father.  At least she is happy now.  Mera is my pride and joy, but really Aerimor and Sticks are her parents.  I'm really just the fun uncle.  I lost Hedessa without ever even trying to really save her.  I was too afraid of her demons to challenge them.  I thought I was less of a fool then I was, but now I think I am a bigger fool than ever.  Zari is the only one I think I've ever truly helped and now she has Gel, she doesn't need me anymore either.  

Perhaps I should go join Anne in death.

~Raz

[Aerimor]

Daniella sought me out.  I was not surprised, she questioned why I called Toran names and had such anger for him when I left the report about the events near Storan's recently.  The conversation started as I envisioned it would.  She defended Toran and denounced Anne.  I lit her up about losing faith in Anne.  When I was done she started saying things I did not believe, things I could not listen to.  She said Anne was corrupt, that she had been deteriorating into Corath long before we saw signs.  She gave examples and times and I refuted them with my heart.  There is no way the Anne I knew when I was with the Corathites was evil, she took care of me. I saw her heart, her pains and her goals.  I know she walked in darkness at times, but her heart always saw her back to the light.  

Daniella then said it was at that time the true battle of what she was to be was fought.  Daniella said it was likely that because I was there that it took as long as it did for her to lose her way.  That if I had not been there, the break would have likely came then.  That because I was there it took longer for Corath to win out.  Daniella saw success in this and said I was a good man that lost a fallen woman to a God.  That there was no shame in a valiant attempt and I did everything within reason and beyond.  Those words do not ring in my heart, I know if I stayed with her and got her away from the influence of her corruption that Anne could have been saved.  Daniella said she choose her path and that in one of her final acts of caring she separated herself from me, Anne already knew the conclusion and I'd of become a causality.

I don't know anymore. I don't know anything anymore.  I know she was lost to Corath and I couldn't stop it.  I know that when I do die Anne will be my judge, and she will make pronouncement on my soul.  

My head hurts.  My heart hurts.
~Raz

[Aerimor]

I know Daniella was right, but it's all wrong.  Anne should have been able to be saved.  I should have got to her earlier, I should have defied her and stayed, I should have fought harder and loved fiercer.   The Toranites should have taken them with me at the end.  I could have saved many of their lives.  I could have offered redemption at the end for her, to give her one last chance for the good that she did accomplish.

One of the things that disturb me now is she chose death at the end and did not return to the bindstone.  Why? If she was loyal to Corath she'd of fought until killed, what did she have to lose? I thought she gave the last gift she had to Toran and went quietly.  Daniella thinks she either had a final act of who she was win out, or perhaps the soul mother took the last of her.  The last isn't it, I know it isn't. It's too convenient.
 
The best I can guess is that she chose death, trusting in the bindstone and then Corath was simply done with her and cast her away.  Or she did give the last gift she could to Toran.  Perhaps she realized how far she fell and was hoping to find him again with that last act.  I hope this is the case, but I'm too afraid to ask Daniella if Toran would forgive her then.  I don't think he would.  Or lastly, she made a deal with someone, that by not returning she'd gain something.  But I can't think of what.

I do fear that when I die, she will sit in judgment.  How could she forgive me if I was truly the only person that had a chance of saving her? I look at what I have done and see a life of failures and loss.  I'm tired of losing people.  I miss Anne, Amanda, Hedessa, Trenton and even Ben.


What have I ever done that matters to anyone?  How have I ever changed the world for the better?

~R