Walking the righteous path of penance into the embrace of my Lord Protector, by Thais Amithrisil

[flossie]

Walking the righteous path of penance into the embrace of my Lord Protector
 by Thaïs Amithrisil
 

[flossie]

Tonight i have pledged myself again to the cause of my Lord Protector - beacon of my hope - for the great evil that I have wreaked in the past must be amended. I will  follow the path of penance to cleanse my body and mind, thus hoping to become worthy of serving him once more.  Thus I have vowed:

• I will abstain from all pleasures of the flesh, be it rich food or drink, comfortable clothing, or the embrace of passion.
• I will pray for guidance each morning, noon and evening.
• I will fast and meditate upon my sins for a day and a night with each passing moon.
• I will use my strength and knowledge to further the cause of my Lord Protector.
• I will fight fearless and do battle with the demons and foes that threaten to break the order of law.
• I will give aid to others who fight for my Lord's cause to the best of my ability.

May the Lord Protector give me strength and wisdom.  I will keep this journal as a record and reminder of the path that I have chosen. That it may serve as a source of inspiration in times of need, guide me back onto the path when I get lost and remind me of my vows in the face of temptation.

[flossie]

I have looked through my wardrobe. Although some of the dresses are well made and quite beautiful, I think most of them show too much of the flesh. Tomorrow I will take it upon myself to find a robe that better suits my new purpose. Also, this leather armor I have been using is not fit for an acolyte of the All-Seeing. It is much too weak and also not very dignified. I will have to spend some of my money to get a better one.

[flossie]

It is morning and already my resolve of last night seems pale and thin in the light of the new day. I fear that I will not be able to ... but: No! I must not fall prey to fear so soon! I feel that last night's struggle has changed something deep within me. Since my fall from grace I have done nothing but despair, yet now I say: enough! I will seize upon my newfound strength and persevere!

I must also remind myself that I do not stand alone in this. In the room next to mine sleeps the knight Amarath Arowen. Since first we met in Hlint, he has been a trusted and faithful companion. Such was his compassion when I told him my sordid tale that he has insisted on escorting me to Pranzis, where I hope to appeal my case with the high Priest of the order.

Amarath has kept me safe on our sorties out into the surrounding country. For the last few weeks we have fought together and bested many foes, as we gather our strength and sharpen our skills for the difficult journey to Pranzis. We have also had many talks about the Faith. Ah! It pleases me well to write this down: Amarath has expressed his desire to become one of the Knights of the Wyrm. I think he truly deserves such a standing and to think he will be my protector and companion makes me proud.

[flossie]

I am glad this day is over, for it has been a most difficult one. I will try and recount all that happened without loosing myself in emotion.

Today, at breakfast, the knight Amarath Arowen joined me at my table. I was eager to tell him about my new found path and, as always, he lent me a sympathetic ear. I told him about my vows and he questioned me about them in detail. I was sure he would praise, but instead he seemed very much puzzled.

He asked me if all this had something to do with “sai” and that he was ready to forgive me about that. I just did not understand what he was talking about and told him so, trying to hide my disappointment. This angered Amarath greatly and he accused me of not taking things seriously. Whenever i tried deny his allegations, his anger mounted. In the end I could no longer endure his raging and said that I was sorry, which seemed to calm him.

I was just about to continue my tale, when he suddenly announced that he had a present for me. I was greatly surprised and could only sit quietly, while he bustled about in his room. He then presented me with an excellent armor made of the hide of a black bear, stating the he wished to see me better protected.

I had not thought Amarath so caring, especially not after him being so angry with me, and the gesture warmed my heart. Although the armor fitted me ill and was of a rather ugly design, I gladly excepted it. Amarath was eager for me to try it on right away, but I told him I thought the common room of an inn was hardly a fit place to do so.

He seemed disappointed, but when I asked him to sit down and discuss our plans for the journey to Pranzis, he readily agreed. I argued that it was a dangerous trip and we had better first build our strength before attempting it. He seemed of a like mind and suggested we should seek out evil around Hlint and slay it where we found it. Without thinking I gripped his arm out of sheer enthusiasm and he looked up and smiled at me.

Oh, my Lord, grant me strength, for I am ashamed to write this down. But when he thus looked upon me, I felt my heart leap with excitement. My face felt hot and I needed a few moment to gather my wits about me. Luckily, Amarath gave no sign of having noticed and we continued our talk.

I kept feeling very shaken so to take my mind of things, I went to the crafting hall to reshape my new armor. Amarath seemed relieved for the break and wandered around outside. I was able to change the armor to my liking and make it fit better. I also dyed it, for it was a somber black color. The result it not completely to my liking, but at least it is more presentable now.

Outside, Amarath seemed shocked at what I had done to his gift, stating that I had ruined it. I do not agree and told him that I really was very content with it. He then showed me his new plate mail, which I thought was stunning. It really took my breath away to see him thus adorned. He looked fierce and strong, a proud look in his eyes. I am now even more sure that he will make a fine Knight of the Wyrm.

Next we hunted in the forests around Hlint for Orc and Goblin. I no longer felt fear and fought at close range this time, using my sword instead of my bow. It was exhilarating! Blood and gore clung to me, but I did not care! This is how evil should be fought and I now much better understand Amarath passion for the fight.

Before we knew it we were killing goblins near the Red Light Caves. Amarath was magnificent in his new shining armor and killed off most of them. He returned triumphant and then suddenly tried to kiss me! I resisted him and turned away, but he shocked me by continuing his advances. I did not know what else to do then to turn from him and return to the inn, thus ending the day on a sad note.

[flossie]

I have tried to write down all that happened dispassionately, but now that it is done i find myself sitting in my room unable to stop trembling. I am shocked at Amarath's forward behavior, which I had not thought possible in so honorable a knight. But I am even more shocked at my own reaction to his touch. Is it possible that during the past few weeks I have unwittingly allowed my feelings for this man to go beyond what is considered proper of a would be temple maiden? Certainly I must guard my heart better if I wish not be guided off my chosen path.

Then there are also his feelings to consider. I fear for what his reaction will be when I do not return his love. For of one thing I am now certain: the knight Amarath Arowen loves me with a passion. I can not explain his behavior otherwise.

I go to sleep now, feeling sad yet somehow glad also. I know not what tomorrow will bring, but I am resolved as ever to continue on my path.

[flossie]

Today I woke up all sore, bruised and exhausted. I had not thought that my running around with Amarath had left me so weak. I must work on my endurance if I ever hope to keep up with him. Last night's restless sleeping also did not help. Even in my sleep I seem to be unable to stay on the path. Such wicked dreams as I have had! I can not write them down. Started the day praying and meditating with doubled effort to gain a sense of calm.

[flossie]

Woe be upon me! I am certain now that the Evil One for which I have been hiding has found me! Of all the horrors I have had to endure, this is the most wicked one, for I fear it has possessed me! How can I ever hope to escape, when the Evil One so easily controls me. I must strive with all my strength to deny it, or else my past deeds will consume me. I would despair, where it not for Amarath Arowen and our new found friends Angela Swann and Abigail Ruzz who have offered their help.

The day started out well enough, when I met Amarath at Hlint. He seemed eager to speak to me in private, so we journeyed to a secluded spot near Lake Alon. There he asked me flat out what my feelings for him were. I was reluctant to tell him, but in the end I could not lie and told him I think I love him. Oddly, it felt like a weight was lifted from me. Even though this means my vows are in danger now, I rejoiced in telling him. I can not believe my Lord will think ill of me, for having such a pure feeling.

Yet, Amarath did not seem very pleased with my answer, for immediately he started asking me questions. Again he wanted to know about Sai. He said that Angela had told him that I still loved Sai. I was perplexed. How can I be accused of loving another, when all of my heart goes out to Amarath? How I can I even love a person that I truly do not know?

When I denied knowing Sai, Amarath got even angrier. He demanded I tell him what I had done the previous day. I told him I had slept mostly, because our hunt together had left me sore and bruised. Then he wanted to know whether I had spoken to Angela, which I denied for I had not seen her for many weeks. He should have remembered, for the last time we saw her we were together and had asked her and Angelica to journey with us to Pranzis. Amarath then continued to press the matter, accusing me of not being honest with him.

I was utterly destroyed by that and could not help myself starting to cry. Here was this man that I loved and he treated me cruelly. Above us dark clouds were gathering and soon it started to rain. I felt dismal and hurt, but when I looked up to Amarath to suggest that we find some shelter, I found him faring not much better. He looked as stricken and sad as me. This made me wonder. How could this be happening? It was almost as if someone was trying to drive us apart.

I quickly searched my mind for clues and could only come to one conclusion:  somebody was impersonating me. I reviewed the evidence: some of my money was missing from the bank, also certain items were taken out of my strongbox. Some people, including total strangers, claimed to know me. A double would explain these facts. However, this double had to be very good. To fool the vault keeper she, or it, would have to have a perfect disguise and also know me well enough to duplicate my mannerisms and know my pass code for the vault. It seemed unlikely.

There was also the matter of my bad dreams, which had started shortly after Amarath and I had become friends. And, come to think of it, my feeling sore and bruised after a simple hunt. I then thought of my meeting with Ozymandias, and the truth hit me: I am possessed! By the very evil which I summoned myself.

Oh, dear All-Seeing, protect me! How is it possible that I suffer such a fate. What irony that I seek to flee the very evil which has nested itself within me. I must have come with me to Mistone. It is seeking to destroy me, now that I have pledged myself to the Faith again. There is no other explanation; all the facts fit too well.

It must have started when I first started to feel for Amarath Arowen. I remember how we shared a room at the inn in Fort Velensk with me in the bed and Amarath protecting me. I dreamt of the demon coming for me, trying to have me and I being scared to death and fighting it off with a dagger. I nearly killed Amarath by mistake, who had come to my rescue when he had heard me scream.

Then there was the time when I overheard Ozymandias talking about my Lord. I questioned him about the Faith and where I might seek redemption for my sins. I was shy in talking to him and he lost his patience, telling me to get on with it for he was my demon prince. Oh, how this shocked me! Is Ozymandias the Evil One? Has he followed me here to toy with me? Warning me, perhaps, not to seek this path of faith?

And now these claims of Amarath. That I have been seen by other people and seeing them too. Loving them even. It can not stand. This is not me. It must be... but, oh! I fear it is me! Me... the Possessed!

I told Amarath of my theories, but he discarded immediately the possibility that I must be possessed, though he took up on the double-theory. I saw he doubted that, and he seemed truly dispirited. Then it dawned upon me: Amarath must have fallen in love with this 'other' Thais, not with me! My heart sank at this thought and I felt utterly miserable.

Amarath must have felt likewise, for I had never seen him so gloomy. We stood in the rain for awhile. Then we looked at each other. It was clear we had a common enemy. We were not certain of what he or she, or it was, but we where determined to stop it. This lifted our spirits somewhat and we went to Hlint. Just as well, for lightning started to hit near us, ominously.

In Hlint we met with Angela. We talked with her, and her companion Abigail, in the Wild Surge Inn. Amarath hesitatingly put our ideas about a double forward. It seemed a strange story, when I heard him tell it. But Angela did not back away from it. She asked if she could see my pack and then proceeded to rummage through it. Apparently, she did not find what she was looking for, because she said: “It is not here.” Then both women asked me about our hunt together, the previous night. I was flabbergasted, for I had no recollection of ever having hunted with them before. I told Angela when I had last seen her, and this seemed to puzzle her.

Amarath suddenly had an idea. He asked me to show a scar on my neck, which he claims is a result of a person called Lai attacking me, apparently over the love of Sai. It all sounded very strange to me. I know there is a scar on my neck, but I have always thought that the doing of the Evil that attacked me.

I felt this was all too awkward and asked if Angela and Abigail would hear about my past. They listened to my tale and to my claim that I thought this could all be explained by the Evil possessing me. Abigail then had a clever idea: if she were to give this 'evil' Thais a scar, without her knowing it, they could prove which theory was correct. If I had no scare there must be a double, if I did have scar, this would prove I was possessed. I was so thankful for this suggestion, because the whole conversation had become very weird and I was mostly ashamed. I did not know how she were to accomplish this, but it would prove me right: I would bear the scar and thus be possessed.

We all agreed upon this action. The scar to be put on my back. It felt really good to know that now these two women were now on my side and trying to help. I was just starting to feel better, when Amarath suddenly stepped forward, all serious, and presented me with a beautiful silver ring. I could not believe it! Why would he declare his love for me at this moment? Had we not both concluded that he loved this 'other' Thais... this evil thing? I felt utterly bewildered.  Did he have chance of heart? My heart seemed to have been crunched and now suddenly was set free again. This was just too much and I ran crying from the common room.

[flossie]

It occured to me that there's another way to test if there is a double. Recently, small amounts of my money have gone missing. I spoke to the vault keeper and we agreed that my money be put in a strong box to which only I have a key. If no more money disappears, I will know that there is a double, otherwise I must be possessed. I canceled my account and put all money in the box. I will guard the key closely.

I spent the rest of the day in misery. Amarath is nowhere to be found and I dearly wish to speak with him. If he is sincere in loving me, my reaction yesterday must have hurt him. Oh... my Lord, I never knew it was such agony to be in love. Are you punishing me? Should I not let the love for a mere mortal get in the way of my love for you? Dear All-Seeing Dragon, I beseech you, search my heart and you will find my love for you unrivaled by this man. I can not and will not believe that you would deny me these feelings, but if you do, please speak out. I will spend the spend the rest of the day praying to you for guidance.

[flossie]

I am now sure that I am possessed. This morning I woke to discover that my body has been violated in the most terrible way imaginable. Despite my fervent praying for protection, this has come to pass. I feel utterly defiled. I must be failing at my quest. Or is my Lord testing me? I have nearly given up all hope to find redemption. I will embark on a rigorous program of meditation and fasting, for I can think of nothing else to try and withstand this evil within me.

[flossie]

The journal suddenly ends  here.

Interested readers can learn more in The Lives and Loves of Amarath Arowen, post #117689.

[flossie]

After a silent period of almost 7 months there is a new entry in this journal

I hold in my hands now the journal of a religious freak. It is had to believe that this was once me. I was shocked to behold to what extremes my illness had brought me. However, now that I am cured, I will keep this journal as a reminder of these dark times and continue my thoughts in another one.