The Musings of Myrrha De'loran

[Amberyl Ravenclaw]

Lucinda...

Just thinking about it makes my heart ache.

After all the uncertainties, the pain I endured, the feeling of being alone... I grew used to it. Wore it the way one would put on a piece of clothing, never removing it from the sight of others. What else could I do? I let anger and fear become my refuge. Every second I lay in darkness, I remembered the taunting laughter of my former playmates – the mocking rhymes they made up about me, the refusal and rejection in letting me go with them. The weary bitterness in my mother’s voice, at having an extra burden on her back –her very own daughter. I hated them back then. For their sake now, I hope I don’t again.

I thought I fought it, conquered it when my eyesight returned. I thought that with the letting in of light, there was no way I could be afraid of the dark again. Afraid, too, of the mental torment it brought. Once I saw, I could be normal. With family and friends. Even if there was nothing to bind me to them except for the memory of their voices, the conversations we shared.

Loneliness...

I came to Hlint so long ago. And even then, I have few friends. I greet and dismiss people as though they were the traders, and travellers, back in the village in. People who came and went. People who were kind enough to stop and listen, but then went on with their lives. People who… never stayed…

And still…

The other day saw me with Charlotte, Ark, Roy, and Tarradon. We had just met – the day after I woke up to find the dark skies hanging over this land. Darkness never deterred us. Vlad had to leave, sadly, but I spent the rest of the day with the foursome. And for the first time… I was happy. Happier than I had ever been. A short hunt for bandits, led by Tarradon, went on to much more. We went past the Broken Forest. Along the coast. To Port Hampshire – what a wonderful place, I thought, as I breathed in the cool air and listend to the splish-splash of the fountains. Roy the ranger did not take to it, but I did. If I had one chance, one wish, I would relive that day every moment of my life.

Ark fell on the way back, and Charlotte was upset. Very upset. I could sense her pain and anger, even if it was the first day of our travels. She refused to depart from the grave, at least until the second wave of bandits attacked… but all was well, once again, when we found Ark waiting for us at Hlint’s gates. Still in one piece, along with his humor as well.

That was the end of our trip.

And still…

How I wish I had more of these moments. For once… I tire of braving it alone. Lucinda, what is the use of having the whole world, free as a bird to explore it, but alone? Half-elves, even half-blind ones, were born to have companionship. And I… I have none. I want friends. I want people. I want someone…

I want to meet Charlotte, Ark, Roy and Tarradon again. We made a company. Or if not them, others whom I could greet with more than just a smile and a nod.

Something permanent… lasting… a bond…

By Lucinda… I’m tired. My head hurts. And I’ve cried too much. I should go and take some rest…

[Amberyl Ravenclaw]

Mahood...

I am so sorry.

I suppose I am one to take friends for granted. I feel so hollow... so wrathful at myself. I do not deserve good friends. I am nothing... I cannot even treat my summoned familiar with kindness. My watchdog, my guide, my protector, my companion who leads my way in the darkness and across treacherous lands. Mahood, I have failed you. And in front of everyone else in Hlint too.

Mahood, I always thought you were a pest. You had your ways. You never deemed it proper to sit still - for you, life was about having fun, running through the streets even on the verge of disturbing the town guard's routine patrol, licking faces of friends and strangers, barking and howling at the top of your voice. What could I expect? You were and are a panther. Lucinda forgive me...

Gods, I feel silly thinking this out of my head. But some things must come to light. Feelings must be said out. And so must pleas for forgiveness.

Yesterday, Mahood. You must remember it well, do you not? You caused a ruckus in the kitchens of the Wild Surge Inn. A few were there. They saw me yelling, running to the kitchens amidst the sound of smashing pottery and earthenware. One man - Jser, as his name turned out to be - was amused by your antics. I was not. And your little game ended with me dragging you out into the street for a good scolding...

I remember when Jser and a red-robed woman tried to sooth you by offering you food. Jser placed some filleted carp by your side. And you ate, and ate, and ate like a pig. The next thing I knew, you keeled over. Stiff and silent.

Gods, I could have cried. I thought you were dead.

It was only then that I realized how much you were worth to me. By Lucinda, this feels awkward to admit. Yet if you were human, or elf, or dwarf even, I could have kissed you. Hugged you when you were brought back to earth, all because that man - I forgot his name, I am ashamed to say - pulled out that life-threatening fishbone from your throat in the nick of time.

I am so sorry Mahood. Sorry for all the times I shouted at you, scolded you, sighed in exasperation, ignored you when all you did was try to play. Godmother told me to lighten up and see that there was more to experiencing the world than just living. And now... I have learnt something new. Of loss and caring. Of taking things for granted. And all from a panther, too.

Is this how you work, Lucinda? Sending the weakest and strangest of animals as Your messengers to mankind? Teaching them a lesson apart from the magic and mystery that You represent? I have yet to find out.