Character Development > Development Journals and Discussion

The wind and the leaf

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Hellblazer:
Three months now that no one has seen her. I think I have to move one it would seem. How does one do that?

I spent time with rose, and Ayana again. But I don't know, nothing is quite the same now. So I bury myself in my trainings, and in gather what I still need to get to pay for the surprise. Now what am I going to do with all of that? I can't just throw that out, and I can't give it away. What if she comes back and want to pick up where her disappearance left us? Would I still be willing, in six month? a year? Would I keep all of that until then? How long does one wait, in those moment? I don't know anyone who went through that.

Steel has also disappeared it seems, never got back to me, and I didn't get work that he was in Vehl ready for training.

Life.. is boring right now.

Hellblazer:
Folian be praised,

My heart is in trepidation. I write in my journal as she is in reverie, on my lap again. After three long month, she is finally back, she needed to sort things and have some time on her own. Hopefully it will be beneficial. She was so excited when she saw the box I had for her, even more when she opened it and saw what was in it. I could see her eyes glittering as a child who opens a gift on her birthday. And Although I simply opened and rested my hand on my lap, she took it on her own, and as we spoke she gently caressed it. And she has this amazing little tattoo on her lower back, is it a good sing that she didn't get angry at me or slapped me because I peaked?

We ended up trying her new gifts on the poor kobolds. We manage to take all of them down, but we did take a licking. In the end we went to our spot again, talking about anything and everything. Even there again, she laughed when she realized I peaked at her again, and blushed when I told her "how could anyone be unable to look at your beauty". Shortly after she fell into reverie on my lap again, but this time I didn't want to waste my time by sleeping so instead I watched over her, gently caressing her hair.

Later on Ni came with a whole bunch of other people. After making sure she would be alright and after leaving her a note, I went with them to look for some clues about the dreaded mirror that that fat pie master stupidly got sucked into. I didn't go far into the search as I didn't feel right to have left her there, so I went back, and luckily she was still there in reverie, the note not even opened. I placed her back comfortably as she likes to be, and here I am now.

Hopefully with her by my side tonight, I will be able to sleep without these dreaded nightmares.

Hellblazer:
Seven months since I last saw her. So many things happened since and so many more to come. I haven't seen Steel, but I have heard of an other weapon master that could help me learn. His name is Kyle pandorn, a master of exotic blades.

 I have to say that I miss her deeply wondering if she will ever be back, but how long does one wait? I have no idea, and life just seems to take care of those things by it self. The question is now, what will happen if she comes back, and Emry and I have gotten to this point?

 I have gotten close to her, but for now it is only companion ship, but there is something there. The way she looks at me sometime, when I get close. Or even how she touched my cheek the other day. Things for sure, she appriciate my presence as she said, and perhaps there could be something in the futur. I just don't know what to do about Bellethiel though. What if she comes back? What if this.. what if that.. how does someone get to make decisions into the matter of the heart?

 For now I think I'm going to burry myself into crafting and training and see where that leads.. I am getting confused in between two possibilities that only a year ago, I wouldn't even have thought possible.

 Ni is showing signs that he doesn't want to change, my efforts to try and show him a different way have failed I think. I had to try, as Seelan did for me, instead of leaving me die there even though she knew what I was. I was given a chance to live and make a life for myself. Although most commoners can't see that I am not a beast, some do and just because of that I have to try. Emry doesn't understand, well maybe she does, but she is entrenched into the past. Even made a dagger to protect me from him. I saw that dagger the other day in vehl, but she hid it hastily, she didn't want me to think it was for me, as to deal with me. She is afraid that my will to try and help Ni, will get me killed.

 I have to say that I might have a hard decision to make in the futur, if I can not help Ni lose his streak of willigness to kill those that may stand in his ways, then I may have to do somethign drastic to protect those I care about.

Hellblazer:
*A Letter handed out to Canar in homestead at the attention of Colin, Ranger of Folian.*

Dear Colin,

I know it has only been two years since I left home.. wolfswood forest. And I know that I haven't written to you in the past year, but things have been so weird.. so ... complicated and busy. I write to you today not knowing where to start.

First, you and Seelan would be proud of me, I am sure. In the past year since I got to mistone, I have helped many people, farmers, shop keepers, towns captain. I have made some friends, for good and bad of it. But all of this is running me thin. I was so used to the forest Colin, to the solitude and quietness. I remember when it was only you, Seelan and me. Not forgetting the wolf pack. Simpler times. Now I run around in life, unsure of where I am going, trying to give out as much as I can, in return for what I have taken, as Folian would want it. But I find myself exacerbated but the narrow minds of some of these commoners. How ever one tries to prove themselves, there is always those that would jump out at them, ready to drain their livelihood, because of their race.. or more precisely the past of their race.

I am giving a chance to a dark elf, for him to prove himself. Trying to show him ways for others to see that he is not like his brethren. But the more time pass, the more I see I am failing at it. I know that Seelan would never have given up on me, nor you. But I find myself pressed on every side, to distance myself and fall in the mold that is predetermined by others. On one side there is the people that are nonchalant about him, not caring of his race or what they did in the past, I feel the pressure from them to rebuke those that do not view him like they do. And on the other side I feel the same pressure to distance myself from him, because of who he is, and because they are not willing to give him the same kind of a chance I had from you and Seelan. That would see him hang high in the public square at the view of the children and a roaring crowd throwing apples and tomatoes to his dead corps. And I can't say that he is helping his cause either. He keeps talking about how he would dispose of those that would stand in his way, making his life difficult, and I can only wonder when he will make due of these threats, and go for someone that I care. And then what? what choice will I have? but to take action against him to protect them, and then be proven wrong. Were you two wrong in raising me? Was Seelan wrong in saving me? I am left wondering if it wouldn't have been better if she left me to die on that tree.

I also met two people to which my heart has jumped and stopped beating. One of them seems to have disappeared since almost a year now. Colin I can't even begin to describe the peace she brought me. She, by her simple presence by my side at night, managed to quell my nightmares. Can you even Imagine that? for as long as I can remember, each and every single night, I had those cursed dreams, those runic sings, the murders and mass killings of people I didn't know. And in the past years since I left the forest, the dreams had only intensified. Now I would see faces of people I knew, killed, dismembered and left to rot in the fields. Of people half dead crying and pleading for mercy. Of fields of lava and fire, surrounding me in my dreams. And worst yet.. Now in my dreams I see a shadow. humanoid.. but I am never able to reach it, each time I do.. it dissipates. But her.. she was able to give me a restful night, peaceful nights. Not once have we been together, but she would simply fall into reverie by my side and just watching her until I feel asleep myself, washed me in an aura of bliss that I could never describe. Her name was Bellethiel, but now she is gone, and I have given up hope that she will ever come back.

The other, is also of elven nature, she is an illusionist of great potential. Her name is Emry. I can not say if she has the same peaceful tendencies on my dreams as we have never spent a night sleeping in each other arms as i did with Bellethiel, but she does bring excitement to my life. I met her about 6 months ago. She has much beauty about her, not only physically, but internally too. We have spent many hours talking together of many things. And Colin, beside you and Seelan, this is truly the only person I have ever felt that was truly caring for me. Up to a point that she has even fashion a dagger in the eventuality that Ni'haer would try and do me harm. We love to spend time together, venturing in the world and even discovering new things that we had not seen. But although it is only companionship as yet, her own feelings not being at the same stage, there is more than she lets shown. She confuses me Colin.. so much. Because of her I am stuck in between two walls. One is the wall of my heart, of my growing feelings for her, and the other wall is the wall of friendship that I have for Ni'hear. She does not approve of him, and would gladly see him dead I think. Many time she has expressed her concern about him, about my safety, or more of lack of safety in giving him a chance. Do I trust him? of course not. But unlike her, I am willing to give him a chance to prove to me he deserves that trust. But yet, I can't just shrugs what I feel away and act as if nothing is. I have found my mind to be wandering toward her many times over the past few months. But also that my dreams have included her. It is so disturbing that every night, I would dream of her demise.

You told me once that I had those dreams because my true hellish nature was clashing against my beliefs and how you and Seelan had brought me up. I wonder if it is only that Colin, I fear there could be more to it than just dreams.

You have always known me to push for perfection in how I trained with my two bladed sword. Even though you always though of it to be a barbaric weapon, of no fines but only brutishness. but never once did you discourage me from trying, and so, as I came to mistone, I had started to look for a teacher of the blades. One that could help me unlock my true potential with my weapon, for me to become one with it and it with me. The first man I have me is called Steel, we had an agreement that if I was to bring him hickory dust, that he would train me, but it has also been a year since I have even heard of him, and through that time I have heard of a weapon master of the Katana, and exotic blade. Sure it is much different than mine but the principals still applies. I am presently looking up into him to see if he would be willing to teach me. Maybe you heard of him Colin, Kyle Pandorn. If you did, could you please let me know what type of a man he is? Could I trust him to not turn on me for what I am? But even so, I have never ended training myself, each day at dawn or day break. I go through the routines you have showed me, feeling for each slice, each vibration of the blades. For my sense to reach the tip of each blades as if they were the tips of my fingers. I will succeed in this Colin, The day we meet again, I want to be able to stand up tall to you, a master of my blade, a master of myself. I just hope I can do it one day, before that wrecked soul mother take my last strand. I have dined with her Colin.. you were right, it is painful, it is scary.

Well that's about it for now. I don't know when I will be able to get a letter to you again, hopefully it will be soon.

May Folian gives you the perfect hunts you deserves and may he stride by your side always.

Your son of sorts,
Fehriel.

//this letter was handed out under Gm supervision on an impromptu quest.

Hellblazer:
Why is it that things always have to go wrong? Simply talking to Shrowd behind the merchant house near Fort Llast, out of ear shot of the pawnshop dealer and those that might walk by, not out of sight though, just out of hearing. And yet there she comes with the bandages I had asked her to purchase for me, so I wouldn't have to enter that dragon lair of Toranites. But since it was the only temple in reach, and we wanted to go hunt undeads, we needed the blasted bandages. When she reached us we had done talking and were heading back out on the road. I felt an itch up my leg, so I shifted my pants around a bit, thinking it was just the fabric running off a scab. But right there and then, her face changed, she dropped all the healing kits on the ground and cast invisibility before I could tell her what was happening. As I shifted my garb again before she disappeared, I saw ants falling down from on of the sleeve. I must have been standing on an anthill or something, because they were trying to eat me alive.. I just can imagine what she must have thought. First she asks me if I know her that well, when I let slip that Shrowd and I are the same, and now this. For sure I understand how she could get the wrong impression, but she didn't even give me a chance to explain.

So we searched, and searched, and search, the silkwood forest, the kitchens inn in Hlint, Hempstead, Krandor, Vhel. I even went on to search Mariners hold, again.. being sick on the voyage, but my mind was elsewhere and I didn't give a rat arse   that I painted the boat with my previous lunches. But she was no where to be found.

If that was the only thing, fine, maybe she wouldn't have reacted that way. But down in Haven a few hours before, her and Ni'Haer almost came to a battle of the Al'noth. Screaming at each others in front of every one, him even threatening to kill her. It didn't take me much more to get in between him and her, my blade at his throat, sending him a clear message. I gave both of them my trues at that moment, it was thoughtless on their part. Sure Ni, is the type that stays unseen and cast spells to slow the enemy down, makes us stronger and warded. He will even cast offensive spells here and there, but he could do more. Sure, she screamed at him and revealed to the whole party who he is, but in no way should he even consider threatening her, with me present to make things worse. All of that made him leave the group. I don't know if they had the sight or if he lost his concentration and got spotted. But going up we were ambushed right out of the climb up. It was only me and Ke'kay at that point and I couldn't fend them all off. I fell and I felt the soul freak tug at my soul for the second time.

I don't know. I'm lost in this situation and it is making me crazy, love or friendship, friendship or love?

And to think of it, for one that said her feelings were not at that stage yet, why the heck did she overreact that way? throwing my stuff on the ground, running away, and even leaving the bouquet I had given her that night on the road in the gobos land?
   
I AM GOING CRAZZZZYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And that day had started well too. A job that took me back through my homeland to fort homestead. I had not seen Caran in so long, and he was pleased to see me too. It gave me the perfect opportunity to give him a letter for Colin. We chatted much, and he seems in good health.


Really, really reallyreallyreally.. Maybe I should just bury myself under a mountain somewhere... they are going to be my death... my death I tell you. WHY OH WHY didn't I stay in the forest.

Wellllll, tomorrow is an other day.. I hope.. I doubt it.. well maybe not.. gah I need to drink something.. something strong. Drown myself into numbness, forgetness.. if only for the night.

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