Tristan's Lifelong Journal

[gilshem ironstone]

What a few months it has turned out to be... I must say that Hlint's reputation for diversity is ceratinly well-warranted. Within a nhour of being there I encountered Storold, a member of the Protector's. He was quite generous and open with me and has agreed to teach me the art of scribing.  My lessons thus far have been in paper making which I never expected, and the makings of the ink necessary for transferring magical power to my writings.  Quite a lot of work, criss-crossing the continent for various components, but well worth the effort.  On my journeys I discovered a place where the Weave is quite obviously in turmoil.. A forest about a day's travel from Fort Hope.  There are perversions of Treants and plants that have been given an unnatural life.  It must be cleansed but I do not know where to start on such a task.

I also made the acquaintance of one Rolan Tennesen, a former house-guard in Pranzis before the fall.  His story is unfortunately like too many to come out of that dictatorship and I empathize with his hardships.  It reminds me of being discharged from the militia.  But he is a plucky fellow and has found gainful employment with one of the largest trading guilds in Layonara, the Freelancer's.  Furthermore he has been charged with hiring a staff to amnage and move their inventory and has asked me to do so.  I am intereted in the job as it may give me a chance to see weave-practitioners ply their arcane crafts and that would be a fine opportunity.

But the gem of it was meeting Alleina.  What a rare beauty.  A stunning elf with long hair, like a shimmering moon-beam and petite yet elegant features.  A treasure to behold and even better to talk to.  She has a innocent vulnerability to her that gives one hope.  Hope for, well the brightness and goodness of the world.  What is more, she seems to think that I am cute!  That a cripple such as myself should be so lucky!  I chatted with her and her bombastic and loving friends for hours in Hlint.  I have never laughed so much as when Ralinda was making our clothes disappear.  I felt a levity in my heart that has not been felt for many a year.  What with the sanctity of my training there was little time for levity, only insight and purification.  Well the night ended with me walking Alleina to her home and we shared a hug and she kissed me on the cheek.  I regret to say that my nerves had the better of me and I did not take the two, TWO opportunities she gave to drink of her soft lips.  Hopefully she does not take this as a sign of disinterest or insecurity.  It was more out of surprise and breathlessness.  Those moments when I feel the world rushing by and I simply am trying to find my center.  Well I have alreadyt started thinking of where to take her for an outing and I must say that it shoudl be an ideal spot to have privacy and get to know one another better.  Meanwile I must learn to bake, for her favorite food is blueberry pie! I can think of nothing more perfect: It is sweet, wholesome, but sinful all at the same time.  What a wonderful life.

[gilshem ironstone]

Determined to improve my skills in the kitchen, as well as complete my scribing homework given by Storold, I set out across the two western continents searching for ingredients and reagents.  I find the natural splendors of Alindor to be a welcome pause from the more agrarian areas of Hlint that I currently call my own.  The primal Belgaer Hills, the expansive Plains of Caltin, the Rustic Deltas of the Delwin River and the picturesquely pastoral banks of Io Lake all remain in my memory from these travels.  They were quite uneventful until I arrived in Karthy.  I took a brief repose and convinced one of their acolytes to reveal the secret of Xeenite Wine and then set out in to a day-trip in the city.  That was when I came upon the slave-pens and I felt as if a dagger entered my heart.  There in broad-daylight the dignity of other sentient creatures was being auctioned off to the highest bidder, and what is worse is that it is apparently sanctioned by the government!  I went to the pens and did what I could, distributing food and curing some of the diseased that I found and when my conscience could bear no more, I confronted one of the slavers, garishly wielding a halberd dripping acid from its enchantments, although I was met with a stoic indiffence by him, I nonetheless promised to one day smash his trade in degradation, spat at his feet and walked away.  That even after the fall of Bloodstone, such evils exist is a testament that the world is still in need of help.  I believe that people are constantly trying to affirm their existence and so I give a wide acceptance to others actions, but when ones affirmations become anothers misery is when the line is crossed.  I understand that there are sometimes situations when this distinction cannot be easily made, such as when one is fighting a war, righteous or not, misery always ensues, but this slaver could sell his weapon and never have to work again, and so I find him lacking.

I travelled to the mines of Haven as well on the eastern edge of the Silkwood Forest and was saddened by what I found.  The place is infested with ogres which is not surprising and not all that upsetting as long as the citizens of Haven are undisturbed, but at one point I tried catch a quick nap, the kind a soldier on nightwatch learns to do, sleeping yet ready at the slightest noise, when I heard a whispering in my ear.  At first I thought it to be my tired mind playing tricks but it returned, and what is more, it spoke.  I implored me for help, telling me that food and water was running out, that air was running out, but I could see no source for this voice.  I at first tried to forget it, but whe Kinai mentioned that these mines were haunted I knew that what I heard was indeed reality.  There are souls, unable to find rest who must be at peace, I will ask Storold of this.

On another note, the unflappable Kinai Kensei told me of a "friend" of hers named Czu Czu, who makes my blood run cold. She told me quite casually that he bathes in the blood of fallen enemies, will perhaps eat their remains and is quite insane.  This man does not sound like a positive presence in society and I think I shall investigate his activities and whereabouts more.

All in all the excitement has continued unabated since arriving, I have become a better cook, no longer over-cooking my rice, having brewed some batches of malt and Xeen's finest, and learning more about what my real duties are about.  All that is left is to find the perfect way to ask Alleina out again, whether by letter or waiting until I see her in person, and pray that our connection that one night was not a falsehood propagated by a fleeting mood, but that we really can connect as lovers do.  By Lucinda's grace, there will be magic not woven by the Weave, but by two peoples hearts.

[gilshem ironstone]

I had a soectacular trip today!  As I was looking for corn to make oil from, I came across Tath, that rather strange fellow with the unique accent and a couple of other adventurers that all looked in terrible shape.  It turns out that they were assaulted by a group of trolls in the Battle Fens and were saved only by the grace of the bindstones.  I agrred to make them invisible when along came Grohin that Voraxian priest and another dwarf and we all decided to aid in getting the three wayward souls safe and sound.  That was failry easily accomplished thanks to my weavings, but the wandering spirit took us and we decided to plunge in to the depths of the Fen.  We marched through sludge and mire, being hampered by trolls the entire way.  Sometimes I am not sure why I do these things, but in this case the ends justified the means.  We came to a cave that the dwarves seemed to be familiar with.  Trusting in their judgement of spelunking, as seems only wise considering their reputation, we descended in to the lair of all these swamp trolls.  Down we went, fighting off trolls when necessary, and found massive veins of platinum, which the dwarves in their fashion, as well as Tath, immediately took to mining with something approaching glee, or religious fervor I cannot say which.  It was then that the extrodinary event took place that made it all worth it.  There was a Xorn munching on one of the veins and Grohin obviously having designs on it, removed it from the equation, forcefully.  Not long after that there was a rumbling deep in the earth and then a stout figure, dwarven looking but made of earth came and berated us for killing his pet!  What a wonder!  I was quite sorry that we had been responsible for the death of his companion and suggested that Kurgin, the second dwarf ressurect the creature.  It was then that Kurgin realized he would have his work cut out for him.  A group of trolls blind-sided us and Galan, myself and another of our group whose name escapes me, were cut down in the ensuing melee.  I fell in to blackness.  I felt a cold presence coming to touch my soul and then I felt as if I was pulled up through a long body of water.  When I emerged I found myself staring at Kurgin's grim face.  He pulled me up and the elemental creature, seemingly unconcerned for out health, demanded that we do something for his pet.  And so Kurgin resurrected the Xorn and we were sent packing only to run in to another dwarf!  Fenrir Thornaxe was his name and I have never seen a finer warrior in my days.  Strong as a giant and unmovable like an iron wall.  Under his care, we ascended to the surface and made our way out of the cave.Once safely in the outskirts of Hempstead we all bid farewell to each other and I made for the Fort to find more corn.

It was in the outskirts of Vehl that I met a wandering priest of Mist named Hjalmar.  He seemed one of those free-spirits that travels as the Wind takes him.  I became caught up in his wandering and we made our way to the South Moors.  You would have think I had learned something in the Battlehelm Moors, but today was not that day.  We were overtaken and I was felled by, yes! Trolls!  But it seems that Lucinda was looking out for me as Hjalmar raised me, despite my used soulstone.  After this I decided to travel back to Hlint, where I could be safe.  On the way I took a repose to study and actually mastered two new incantaions!  One that will give my maimed leg, which is in considerable pain after all the marshes I travelled, and the other clouds me in an ethereal haze, conferring minor magical immunites, and protection from corproeal harm.

I was too happy to arrive back in Hlint.  I met with a wonderful tailor who dressed me in a fetching suit to wear on my date with Alleina.  I hope she thinks I look dapper.  I know Storold told me that is not the point, but it is nice to look nice.  I know he agrees, otherwise he would not have gone through the trouble of refitting his old armor for his nuptials.  I think he is contrary to me sometimes just to teach me a lesson.  It can be frustrating but all in all I truly appreciate that he has enough concern for me not to appease my ego.

After that I made another run for food supplies and decided to head back to Hlint for a rest.  It was then that I spoke with Storold about my suit.  I could not believe how agitated I became!  I almost started yelling at Storold!  The inconstancy of the heart is sometimes a dark place, not always liberating.  I think I may have lost it because I have not been with a woman since Debra and that ended so spectacularly bad!  I hope Storold understands and forgives my moment of weakness.

Then I took a stroll through the town to calm my nerves and in a truly serendipitous fashion ran in to Fenrir, looking quite like Tath outside of Hempstead, and Alleina.  Alleina looked the very opposite of Fenrir, vibrant, sparkling and aglow.  Fenrir it seems was overtaken by a drow warparty and was in despair at his inability to defeat them.  When I asked him how many drow he told me two or three dozen!  And he was despairing!  If I had met one and lived I would be ecstatic!  But I suppose that the Voraxian desire for martail supremacy trumps rationality and so there he was feeling awfully bad.  Alleina and I did our best to comfort him.  Who really likes to see a soul in anguish?  And would have had a pleasant talk with him had we not been interrupted by the most unlikable elf I have ever met.  He saw Fenrir's state and immediately set about taunting him.  Alleina did not seem to like him much either.  I tried to pull his attention from the world-weary Fenrir but to no avail, Alleina tried to convince him to leave, again to no avail and so I left.  I was ecstatic that Alleina joined me and even more pleased when she gave me a book of spells.  Transmutation spells!  We had a wonderful talk.  But I had some loose emotions conjured up that caused me to weep openly in front of her.  She told me of her mother's trip, Eldarwen's trip, to Lucinda's plane.  This made me realize that what I really wanted was to pay my own tribute to Allurial, and how her example let me grow from a troubled mis-guided boy in to the man I am today.  Alleina, bless her enormous heart was kind and understanding and we spent the rest of the day, until I walked her home in each other's company.  She evokes such feelings of elation in me.  I think it may have been too much forher at the end.  I actually lifted her off the ground and she seemed quite startled. In fact, I think I saw fear in her eyes.  I hope it does not drive her away.  Well I must be me as Storold said and let the moments be themselves.  I will just honour them and her and see where these latest challenges take me.

[gilshem ironstone]

I have taken it upon myself to keep an eye on the Gloom Woods. There seems to be some sort of disturbance in the Weave there and I will make sure that it does not spread beyond the eaves of that dread place as best I can.  I need to find a master diviner to aid me in rooting out the source of the problem though.  Alleina was quite helpful in pointing me in the right direction in that regard.

On that topic I had a wonderful time with Alleina at the Thorn River.  She quite liked my meagre cooking and I had a chance to tell her of how I joined the church.  Well the first part at least. I think I am a bit uncomfortable telling her about Debra and Braden, but I will not hide the matter if it is addressed.  I do wish she would tell me more of herself but that is a bit of a closed book right now.  Instead she tells me more of the people surrounding her. I understand that she has some issues in her past, I just enjoy being around her so much and she has a wonderful heart, so I obviously want to know more.  I will just continue to make my own heart available and the more she trusts me, the more she will tell.

In the meantime I must remember to speak to Storold about the Gloom Wood and find better accomadations than the bloody Scamp's Mug.  A den of ill-repute that is.  My trials will become worse than a lascivious inn though, so I will weather it with temperance.

[gilshem ironstone]

I find it funny how life can move in synchronicity sometimes.  I had finished writing my last personal entry and headed in to Hempstead after a day of travels with Hjalmar, a man that I am coming to respect more every time we cross paths, when I ran in to the ladies, Alleina included.  She looked respelendent as always, warm glow in her eyes, soft features, feminine curves, it warms my heart just to lay eyes on her.  Of course Angela saw this and mocked Alleina and I mercilessly, and I weathered it, trying to get a few of my own barbs in but never hitting the mark as closely as they.  To be perfectly honest, I enjoy it.  Yes, it makes me blush, and I feel not quite as brave as I know I am when they call out my feelings so matter-of-factly, but it is a kind of celebration I think.  A celebration of the giddiness and joy that romance brings, and also of how our feelings are nothing to be afraid of.  I always thought I was an openly emotional man, but the number of times Alleina has called me out for being shy or secretive, as I take "silly" to mean makes me reassess that idea.  I will ponder it, and I will strive to show the feelings that sit in my heart, but this is away from my co-incidence.  We four, Alantha, Angela, Alleina and me, went forth with Mylindra, who had recently paid the Soul Mother for another day on Layonara in to the swamps to an abandoned temple filled with Slaadi, in an effort to bring a some comfort to Mylindra.  Although I had never faced a demon since Weavehome so many years ago, Angela and Alantha made it seem easier than killing rats in a sewer.  I barely lifted my sword, such is their prowess with blade and book.  We came back to the gates of Vehl and there ensued a conversation between Angela and Alleina about me and the "truth".  Whatever that meant, I apparently deserved it, and after some haranguing by Angela, which I felt went too far, but then she has known Alleina longer than I have, Alleina asked to speak to me privately.

These conversations always put me on edge as they are inevitably about breaking up or painful truthes in my experience.  Luckily it was none of the first and a mangeable portion of the second.  It turns out some idiot left Alleina shortly before their up-coming nuptials for another woman.  Well his loss is my gain as I see it, although Alleina still has strong feelings about the relationship; she still as the ring for Lucinda's sake!  I could not believe it though, short hours after I had written about my desire to have Alleina open up to me, she does.  Not only that but it is an experience I have shared, through my bloody mess with Debra and Braden!  I could not believe it.  I shared with her my own story, as I feel that the sharing is what will make us stronger.  I even read to her a part of my journal.  The whole event left me feeling quite beside myself and I could not really express myself as I wished.  Perhaps that is my silliness?  But Alleina seemed satisfied when she asked me how my own betrayal had changed me and if I would want Debra back.  I could never imagine going back, trying to reinhabit something I worked so hard to get past.  And especially now that this remarkable woman has come in to my life.  I do want to talk to Alleina more about this part of her past though, hopefully I can even give her some fresh insight in to it.  She deserves to leave this in the past and to become whole again.

On the duty side of things, I met with Storold, soon to be mister Mylindra!  Lucky devil!  And he showed me a place of awful terror.  A wild surge caused by the collision of the Negative and Prime planes, known as the Dark Peaks of the Watcher.  As soon as I entered I felt a twisting inside myself, and when I tried to cast a simple transmutation, instead of thickening my muscles it caused tentacles to writhe up from the earth!  So this finally is the enemy's face.  I had never imagined that I could experience such discordance, such perversion.  It was in this place that Storold taught me a hard lesson.  Through prodding and didaction he made me understand that evil is not my enemy, that dangers to the Weave are my only duty.  Unless it threatens the source of all life, then it is secondary.  I think Storold may be brilliant and although Matilda's retirement saddens me, I hope it gives a seemingly renewed Storold more influence in the church.  From the Dark Peaks, I took Storold to my immediate concern, the Gloom Woods.  After showing him what I felt could very well be another Weave-disturbance, Storold bade me to continue my vigilance and said that I should sek out the Tower of the Pinnacle of Sight.  I must say that I felt proud in that moment.  That I felt I was finally beginning to really understand the realities of my duties.  I could never have come this far without Storold but it was a very good day.

[gilshem ironstone]

Well I actually did it!  I told Alleina that I loved her!  What a wonderful night.  We were sitting by the pond in Hlint, moonlight diffused through the clouds, quiet and peaceful.  We had been talking for hours and I felt such ease.  Ease despite the uncertainties that are before us.  And I thought to myself, "If I feel this relaxed, this open and this happy, I must be in love."  It was a startling thought, but despite it s new awkwardness in my head, it felt true.  So i broached the topic and we soon found ourselves in each others arms speaking our hearts to one another.  It was magic of a sort that Lucinda could not forsee.  

It feels good to say it, although it brings no certainty, not that it did the first time.  There is the weight of her past to overcome and a bond of lasting trust to build, on both sides.  But it does mark that our hearts have begun to entwine with one anothers.  A marvelous feeling.  Everyday I feel a sort of comfort and familiarity that is welcome.  Not boredom, because that would mean that there is nothing left to learn and that would be far from the truth.  I have had a number of eye-opening conversations with her since that time.  In the hallway of Alantha's home, by her mother's house on the edge of the Forest of Fog, even in the Temple of Folian S'pae.  I hope Alleina knows that I will let her be who she is and that she need not fear any judgement.  I am scared sometimes that this is so, and it makes me sad to think that it could be true.  But all in all, this is a small matter next to her gifts.

I volunteered to brew enough ale for Storold's dwarven guests and it was a monumental undertaking.  But I did brew more than enough for them and Storold seemed very happy.  Speaking of him, the teacher role has been silent in him since he proposed to Mylindra, and we have beeen developing a strong friendship.  It is nice to know that I can talk to him about what I am thinking and that he can do the same.  It will serve us well if duty ever calls us to the same place.

And finally, there is the matter with Kinai.  I will not write much here for if my enemies ever got possession of this journal it may reveal too much.  But I will watch and have this miscreant in the hands of the authorities.  That is all I will say until it is safer.

I hope for so much in this world.  Understanding, love, wonder, knowledge, but most of all, I hope that as I walk this plane, my heart is guided by the wisdom and variation of the Weave.

It is my life, for it is my body and soul.

[gilshem ironstone]

Life here is not sacred.  Life here is killing.  Life... life... The cold feels like it will never leave.  Or I will never leave the cold.  Maybe the rum was made from this place.  What have I done? *A tear stains the page* Why?  Where did I go?  The cold is where.  The blood freezes on my hands.  My hands freeze but long after my heart did.  Why did I do it?  They were men.  I was not.  What happened.  I did not care.  I had to end them.  It was my only way out.  Mist sat there and breathed icy hate on me.  The music man laughed with her.  The light burned constant and blinded me.  The crazy one crazed.  All the while I just wanted a moment to bring peace to the forest.  And then they were going to make it happen all over again.  They were!  I swear by Lucinda I could smell it on their breath.  Rum and all. That is why I did it.

[gilshem ironstone]

Well I told Alleina of my slaughter of the bandits on Krashin.  It was quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  I felt that she would shun me for my actions.  But it was not so.  The depth of heart to forgive makes me love her all the more.  I feel lucky to have such a beautiful person in my life, and it makes me never want to let her go.  But that does not change the fact that when I am in those situations I must have more control over my emotions.  But the dangers that I face makes me question whether a peaceful soul like hers could truly be happy with me.  I will risk such situations again and I am not sure that she can bear it if I have to take so many lives from this plane.  Time will tell.

*Another entry is made a week later*

My life metamorphs in the most elegant ways sometimes.  I was travelling through Hlint on my way to Spellgard and I ran in to Ranewin, priestess of Ilsare.  I had been wondering to myself if I was ready to further my commitment to Alleina.  How far was I willing to take this love, considering the doubts that have rested on my heart after Krashin?

I took a deep breath and broached the topic in a very general way with Ranewin and she told me that my heart must rule such a matter, and that I must trust that it will give the proper answer.  I was hesitant to give so much reign to my emotions after they betrayed me in the frozen north, but I must also honour that Alleina has been a better friend, confidante and lover than any I have ever had.  She gives me the kind of ease that I never even found in my childhood with my parents.  I feel that my relationship with her is what having a loving family is like.  Understanding with no excusing, acceptance with encouragement to grow.  And to top it, she is at once elegant, beautiful, wise and intelligent as well as playful, unassuming and filled with joy.  I carried these thoughts to sleep with me and then had a wonderful dream about love fulfilled and commitment flourishing.  I cannot recall the details but the feeling it left me with filled me with hope for the future.

And so I went to Spellgard and made some penance.  I had my first meeting with Sir Trier, brief though it was.  He saw me nodded, took one look at my longsword and said, "Tristan, you should carry a weapon that does greater honour to the Lady of Spells don't you think?"  Although he asked a question, I understood it was a command.  The expenses for my gear are becoming high as I face greater risks, so I told him that as soon as I could afford it, I would purchase a different weapon.  He nodded and went on his way.

I then returned to Hempstead where Alleina met me at the gates.  I was delighted to see her.  More so after the dream I had at the Wild Surge.  I took her to a hidden valley in the Ire Mountains, and just before we drifted off to sleep, Alleina asked me about the same thing that I had been wondering about our relationship.  Miraculous to say the least.  I told her of my doubts and the feeling of family that she gives me.  She told me that she accepts my dangers and understands why I undertake them.  Glorious woman!  As I talked to her, it dawned on me that the more I explore my feelings with her, the more she supports me, the more we understand our hearts together the more strength I have found when away from her.  And so the answer to my doubts ended up lying within the quandary itself!  I was elated.  I did not tell her of my revelation, but it is well.  She also wants to make a further commitment to me, but still has some doubts.  After what she has been through I understand.  I secretly hope that Eldarwen advises her to forget the past and accept the present joys.  The more time I spend with Alleina, the more I think I would like to walk next to her in this life, as a husband friend and lover.  My heart tells me this, but I will let the decision reach its own clarity.

We fell asleep in each others arms, whereupon I had another vivid dream.  More vivid than the last; and this dream I remember.  I was flying high over land, in the form of a raven, when a mountain range caught my eye, called to me.  I soared down and the found myself in a narrow passleading to the foothills, Wafmil on my shoulder.  I was called to this path by whispered promises of power, by the knowldege of how to strengthen the Weave to such a point that no harm could ever be done to it again.  I sense others, just outside of sight vying for this power and the dsire to possess it quickens inside of me as I forget the pain of my crippled leg and begin a desperate race.  I will brook no opponents and I push myself to the limits of exertion.  I come in to the foothills and find myself in a place of splendour.  The Weave crackles with the life that feeds it.  I exalt in it for but a moment, but then I sense that my prize will be contested if I tarry too long.  And so I turn back towards the path...

I awoke in the mountain vale and felt a compulsion to seek these peaks out but knew not where to start.  So I forgot about it for a time and journeyed with my friend Rolan.  He helped me keep the Gloom Wood on a tight leash, and we then met a Xeenite cleric, Deon Darkleash.  The three of us relieved the kobolds near Hempstead of another of those magic sticks that so emboldens them.  I must find their source.  And then Rolan and I travelled together to Haven with a half-giant he enlisted as a mule.  After Rolan had collected his supply of clay, I came to Spellgard for prayer.  On a whim I wandered in to the Library to see if I could find Juran when I spotted an open book on a table.  On the page it was open to was a sketch of the very foothills I saw!  I quickly looked at the cover and it read, "The Saddleback and Stormy Mountains: Indigenous Plants and Animals".  I cannot help but think that this serendipity was no chance.  I must discover those mountain ranges and see if this promise truly awaits.

It also begs a question: What power has entered my dreams of late that they have effected such change in my waking life?

[gilshem ironstone]

I write this with what little light I risk as Alleina sleeps next to me.  In the midst of a peaceful slumber I awoke with a thought nagging my mind.  This dream of the calling I had, I had overlooked something I think.  I remember many wonderful feelings but something else.  What was it?  Fear?  A feeling of violence?  Strife?  I do not know.  Maybe it was my apology to Geldar opening up a still unhealed wound.  I will check it for now.  It is probably nothing.

*He closes his journal and dispels the light.  As he puts his arm around Alleina, she turns a bit and he kisses her cheek*

"Go back to dreaming Ahhelica.  I will join you soon."

[gilshem ironstone]

I suppose I will not pur the rum behind me a quickly as I like but it seems to be a good thing.  I discovered while on a journey with Lin'da, Alantha, Angela, Hawklen, Kinai, and others that the mage that was responsible for the rum is also seeking  anartifact fo great power thay has the ability to bend reality.  Setting off on his trail we discovered the creator of a safeguard that was made to mitigate the power of the artifact and we also encountered a great deal of bickering.  No matter, my philosophy in matters when large group breaks down in communication is to stay with the smartest person in the room, Lin'da in this case.  We managed to bumble our way along, going from experience to experience, somehow managing to survive, even having an encounter with the reality-bending power of this artifact.  But the trail is now cold as the people holding the keys to the artifact estranged their maker and he no longer wants to share information.  I will go to Spellgard and try to get some help there.

[gilshem ironstone]

I have not seen Alleina nearly as much as I want to.  It makes me wish that we lived together, so that I would not have as many doubts.  All in time I suppose, if it is meant to be.  It is tough though, balancing my devotion to Lucinda and to Alleina.  I know Alleina is understanding of my life, but I do not ever want her to feel cheated of the happiness she deserves.  I know I write this time and again, but she is wonderful, and I cannot imagine someone better to spend my life with.

I had a lesson in the Celestial Language with Piper.  It was very interesting.  We covered the history of the language and then she taught me the basic vowel as well as some words to practice.  I really enjoyed it and I look forward to our next lesson.

I have also become involved in a matter that may soon be very important.  I was led to a man named Kevin after following a dream I received about the Saddleback Mountains.  Apparently the works of an ancient Apprentice of Bloodstone's are going to figure prominently in the days ahead and I must find them before they fall in to the wrong hands. It sounds to be dangerous work, but it is my duty and I will take it as far as I can.

All these thoughts I am writing feel too cerebral, I must write down my experiences sooner so that I can recall the emotions better.  Otherwise Alleina will think me silly again.

[gilshem ironstone]

Busy, busy, busy!  That is the whirlwind of my life right now.  As if the matter with Avierra, and the twists that it continues to take are not enough.  I know feel it my duty to keep a rash Lin'da from magically wringing Kinai's neck.  I just don't get how Lin'da can feel entitled to the possession of this key.  Yes she is powerful, there is no denying that but no one has proven that they are powerful enough to prevent these mages involved from exerting their influence as they see fit.  And so, as Kinai has done a fine job so far, Lin'da should instead offer her aid rather than creating another faction in the battle for this artifact.  I dearly hope that I can find a way to get the artifact in to the vaults of Lucinda's earthly church.  There is not only a trove of learning to be had from it, but it could also be a great weapon if the need ever arose.    Hopefully Alantha wil side with me and we can do this service to our church.

And then there is the matter with Bloodstone's apprentice.  I travelled to Arnax, and was dismayed to find that Jacchri had enlisted the sid of quite a few others, as had Drogo.  I had hoped to keep the matter quiet until we had recovered the work in question and I must say it made me decidedly tight-lipped and unwilling to share ideas.  No matter, I will be more comfortable when our search resumes, but in the meantime I once again have to deal with Lin'da and her blind confidence in her decision making process.  She seems certain that the work cannot be on the ancient battle-field beneath Corath's temple.  Why?  Only Lucinda knows.  There are any number of reasons that the work could have gone to battle and to rest with its creator and I am not at liberty to say that any of them are certain.  What I do know is that what lays beneath the foundation of Corath's earthly house is the only tangible lead we have to follow but I am completely at a loss as to how to get there safely and preferably unknown.  Hopefully my research in Spellgard can yield something of value, although the time period in question is so ancient that I do not know if there are any texts available to me.

And then as if the dark elf involved with Avierrra was not enough.  I was approached by another dark elf mage who is looking for another artifact.  And she offered me one-million true if I find it for her.  I simply let her do all the talking and once I find this artifact, I will run for Spellgard as fast as I can.  I am through trusting strangers in these matters and if it weren't for Alantha, I may not trust dark-elves at all.

And the Ravens!  They actually asked me to join their guild!  What an honour!  I respect everyone of them and consider most to be a friend.  What a blessing!  I am very excited to be involved with them and learn something of enchanting and scribing from some great and talented people.  Not to mention it only gives me more time with Alleina.  As if I needed an excuse.

She is the one element in my life that feels truly calm right now.  We talk, we laugh, we push each other, we care for one another.  It is wonderful!  I am so excited every time I see her and I have been especially enjoying our lessons.  She is quite lithe and dextrous and will make wonderful progress I am sure.  She is not the best at wielding a sword that I have seen, but then I think it is too big for her.  But I will continue to instruct her and I know she will be ecstatic when the ideas I have given her finally fall in to place.

So I am busy, yes, but fulfilled, and I cannot imagine a finer place to be.

[gilshem ironstone]

I am starting to get anxious about this expedition, I hope Alleina stays patient as well.  Perhaps I cannot wait for Shiff as we seem to be constantly missing each other.  But I will need to go in strength.  I do not know what to do.  It is very important that I get this done.  To prove that I can take care of what I say I can. I don't know.  Maybe I am just a pretender to a Protector.  I don't feel as if I have made a difference yet. My thoughts are getting mixed up again.  I need to go and have a long talk with Storold.  Alleina too.  I wonder if Jacchri likes me?  Not that it really matters, but he is so guarded all the time, and without that brutal honesty that Dorena has.  Like he has something under the surface that he does not express.

I can't wait to meet Eldarwen.  Actually, I cannot wait to say something other than "m'lady" to Eldarwen.  Wow! What an idiot I was!  Well she will like me or not. I hope for the first, but I know Alleina will support me, as I do her.  It is indescribable having Alleina on my side.  I feel as if I have this calm breeze that sends wafts of perfumed air through my heart and when my life gets tough the breeze quickens and keeps me a float.

I had the most disturbing dream last night.  I woke up and my leg was throbbing, quite painfully.  I pulld down the covers and see that my leg is pulsating like there is something quite large below my skin.  The pain intensifies and I feel this burning pressure against my skin.  It builds to a crescendo and then the skin tears open and a demon emerges from my leg.  I realize that it is the demon I fought in Weavehome so many years ago.  It sits in the darkness, almost forlorn, and then utters something in its awful language to me.  The words burn my ears and I almost collapse from the agony of its utterance.  Then my room bursts in to flame and in the flash of heat nad light, I wake up a second time, this time for real, except that when I wake up, my leg is throbbing.  I pray to Lucinda that this dream never comes to me again.

[gilshem ironstone]

I had the dream again although this time it was more intense.  The potency of it makes me think that this could be something really happening to me.  Although if it is exactly as is happening in my dream, or the dream is some metaphor, I do not know.  I wish I could remember what the demon says, then I could maybe make some sense of this.  I have asked Rhynn to help me with it, so I hope to have some measure of control over this soon.  If this is in fact real and the same demon that ruined my leg, I will have some measure of revenge on it.

[gilshem ironstone]

This dream is becoming constant although not often.  Once a month or so I have this dream in utmost vivacity.  It disturbs me and harrows me with fear.  Dramatic words I know but it stays with me.  Other than that one time I was flip about the dream with Rhynnala I have not mentioned it.  I am too anxious about what the consequences may be.  To make matters worse, the throbbing that accompanies the dream when I wake has persisted well in to my waking day.  To the point where I am almost always in some sort of discomfort.  I need to talk to someone but who? Are there any experts on demons.  Ozymandias I suppose, I will talk to him.

It is finally done and what a relief.  I met Eldarwen and she is more than I could have imagined.  All at once playful, grim, mysterious and open.  No wonder Alleina turned out to be such an extraordinary woman.  All of my doubts felt like the foolish worries of a child once I expressed them to her.  And she embraced me with open arms.  I was very grateful to have met her and even more grateful that she is Alleina's mother and the head of my church.  Allurial chose well indeed.  And what a gift Eldarwen gave me!  Scrying of my parents!

My parents... I don't know what to do.  They won't see me.  I sat on their doorstep for hours waiting for them to come home and when they did, they took one look at me and fear struck them. Fear! I am their son! She is my mom, and dad looks so ill.  He was a mountain.  And now I feel I could lift him with one hand.  Dad.  I miss you, I have so much to thank you for.  I want to hug them and tell them of Alleina, their daughter one day and the grandchildren I hope to have and they could only walk by me.  What did I do?  I only ever tried to make them happy.  To impress them.  I don't know.  The world changes and so do I and I want one last time with them before they pass to whatever plane they do.  Just one.  So I can cook them dinner, and make them feel like for once someone is sacrificing for them.  Just once, they deserve that much. I don't know.

More official matters.  Alantha has found a spellbook that may lead us to the artifact finally, and another key has been discovered, hopefully we can stay on top of this one better than Kinai's.  Alantha has asked me to look at the spellbook with a wizard's eye, in case she missed something.  I will do that, and hopefully Lucinda grants me success.

I remember sitting in the garden of the Minaret of Symphony with Alleina, her smile bright, her laughter quick, her lips soft.  I remember that is where I told her that I love her.  That place must have magical properties because my love has grown as a flower in that garden, daily.  I want to get that ring soon so I can propose.  Do not forget to ask Eldarwen if it is okay.

[gilshem ironstone]

This dream is plaguing has come five times this month, three times alone when I was on Xantril.  And there are words being said by the demon when it erupts through my flesh.  Dark words that speak of an endless darkness.  I do not know the language and when I awake, I cannot remember what is being said.  I spoke to Ozymandias about it and he said that if it is the language of demons being spoken I must be careful.  What is its message?  One of doom?  I do not know.  I must meditate before sleep, try and have a clear mind in the dream-world so that I might carry some of its knowledge to my waking life and get answers.

In the meantime I must leave the search for String's book.  I have seen it through as far as I can.  With these dreams coming more frequently as I look for the book, I cannot trust that I will be an asset to the group.  I hope they understand.

[gilshem ironstone]

I am not sure what to do.  I have seen her so little and I know there is something terribly wrong.  She said someone has not died, and that it has nothing to do with me.  But I do not know and I have not been there to help her and I feel powerless to help, and that is what is worst of all.  I am a protector after all, and I extend my duty to her heart as well.  She is such a vibrant flower in this world and anything I can do to preserve her happiness while I am in her life I will do.  I just hope that this time has not made her think that I do not care or that I am avoiding her, if I could just find some silver!  I so want just to go swimming with her in the ocean by Lans Port, or lie in the gardens of the minaret.  Smell her hair and feel the softness of her skin.  Listen to quiet thoughts about this plane we dwell on, or about the bird that just flew overhead.  This world is so complicated sometimes, not like the cloister at Weavehome.  This is the greatest challenge I face, to confront a world that is not always harmonious or giving its gifts freely.  To coax the change that I want to see, with subtle proddings at times and with a heavy fist at others.

The dream... I sleep now.  I wake with shooting pains.  And words that I do not understand sitting at the periphery of my consciousness.  I have tried to use incantations of clarity to bring the thoughts to the forefront of my consciousness and they have not worked.  I have tried meditation and it has only banished those wracking words and pain from my heart.  I am at a loss.  I will speak with Ozymandias further, to perhaps get advice on how to recall those secrets the mind keeps from itself, until then I will keep up my brave front to the world and not let my nightly troubles be theirs.

My skill as a holy warrior of Lucinda increases.  It is funny, when my teacher told me my greatest asset was my mind, I was convinced that he meant my skill with magic, but I am not so sure anymore.  It could mean many things, but what my instincts tell me is to be smart with the tools I have around me.  Do I need to be such a magician when I have allies such as Storold and Lin'da?  Alantha and Ralinda?  Surely there are better uses for my talents.  As I said to Lin'da outside Arnax, I can be the sword to keep the magic safe.  This may be a wise path and so I will explore it further.

May the Coran arta i'tha Vair maen continue to show me a path that is good, and a path that allows me to evolve.

[gilshem ironstone]

Poor Alleina.  I understand so much more now.  I had never heard the account of one who fell from their faith and I never imagined it would be so awful.  Especially from a deity like Aeridin.  After hearing her story I am more suspect of the Lifegiver though, and I am not sure that I can give any sort of blind-trust to his followers.  Alleina was afraid that I would be mad at her, which I thought to be a bit silly.  She had already talked to me of the reasons why and it was not some decision she made lightly, so I could not think her foolish or inconstant for that.  And besides I had already promised her that I would support and I will.  Not because of duty though, but because I see light in her where there is only darkness in others.  She is my lifegiver and I will cherish this new path that she walks, as a symbol of her own bravery and commitment to the true nature of life, change.

Change... Ah... I wonder how my father is... He cannot be well.  Everytime I am back in Spellgard I pass by their house.  I have thought about just walking in, despite being ignored on my last visit.  But I suppose I should respect their privacy.  I miss my dad though... I want to tell him I love him before he is gone from this plane.  I want to show my mom that she raised a good man, who is kind and compassionate and believes in the good of the world.  I want them to meet their future daughter and hopefully mother of their grandchildren one day.  I think they would love Alleina.  I hope they get a chance to.

[gilshem ironstone]

My life is changing once again, and once again I can say it is for the better.  She was so delighted, joyous, surprised and serene.  Being with her is like having an extension to your definition of heavenly.  

*He turns in his seat, and by the dim light of his staff he can see her ribcage expand and contract, slowly and evenly.  As shadows dance across him,his eyes twinkle and a soft smile spreads across his lips.  He dips his quill once more and turns back to the pages.*

Ahhelica.  For me, a perfect name for you.  When I am with you, I feel more connected to Lucinda, and her gift.  But beyond even that, there is a quiet joy I feel when I am around you.  Like the spreading roots of a tree, our relationship is strong, and I feel that we will be able to bare many experiences together, and flourish to be still and strong.

I love her because our race is not an issue.  I have some doubts about it, but because it is not a question for her, I feel safe and my own doubts are dispelled.  But I do hope, that once I die, and she feels that the potency of the promise we have made to each other has diminished, that she will love someone else as much as she did me.  For she is truly wonderful.

I love, that she wants to get married at the Minaret of Symphony.  The place has a strong connection to her present, and is warm and intimate and freeing for her.  For me it is a place from my dreams.  It is connected to the Story of Emily Nightwoven, and is the most inspiring stories of magic and love that I know.  I could not imagine anything better.

I think if Alleina read this, she would think that I was being silly, and bardish, and I think she would be right.

[gilshem ironstone]

A disturbing experience today.  I was in the Red Light Caverns with Oma, a charming woman, and Storold, mining copper, and quelling the marauding goblins once more.  We were on our way out, when all of a sudden I blacked out.  But more than that, it felt as if I were plucked out of time.  I do not know how to explain it.  Storold and Oma had a few laughs about it at my expense, but I feel shaken by it.  Is it related to my dream?  Is there some sort of planar tie that is tugging at my presence on this plane?  I do not know.  I have no answers.  I look to Lucinda for guidance for I recollect nothing of the experience.