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Author Topic: Memories of Ayana  (Read 251 times)

Anamnesis

Memories of Ayana
« on: January 12, 2008, 01:57:47 pm »
The song that whispered upon the breeze as the wind blew through the mountains above me was a song that very few ever stopped to listen to and even fewer could appreciate for its beautiful soothing comfort. Spider understood it though and listened to me and seemed to even appreciate my understanding and ability to want to genuinely grasp all I could from Mother nature. Spider and Elgon seemed the only ones that understand. That song lulled me to sleep many nights beneath the blanket of stars that I considered more home than the bed I would sleep in beneath the confines of the walls I left not so long ago to find my sister Sarah.

The sounds of the animals singing made an even more beautiful symphony as my thoughts turned to those I care about. I have learned I can do little to help Sil as it seemed even she has grown stronger in her own abilities than I have. I can only let her make this journey knowing that should she need my help I am here for her.

I do not think that many can understand how difficult it is to be confined to the city walls, when I seek to be closer to natures embrace. I wish Sil could truly understand but I know that so much has been troubling her with the lichs memories she has had to endure.

I know it hurts her that I avoid the city but surely she has to know how much I love her and would do anything for her. I want to be closer to my sister and tell her everything but then sometimes I feel she should already understand more clearly than she does. Maybe being apart so much growing up is why she seeks to be closer now. I do not want to push her away.

I want to be close to her as I am to Elgon just not where she wishes me to follow. I am just not sure how to let her know. Please give me the wisdom to figure out how to make things right between my sister and I. I do love her so much. I just wish to be understood as much as she wishes to understand.

Ayana Elohanna In'Darsus
Elohanna Min A'Litae, Priestess of Aeridin
Breanna Shadowraven, Wizard/Rogue of Folian S'pae
Cord, Bard of Ilsare
Melaa A'nadivian, Ranger of Folian S'pae
 

Anamnesis

Re: Memories of Ayana
« Reply #1 on: April 07, 2008, 10:09:20 pm »
Why does the heart ache so much for something we have no right to ask for, but is a blessing when gifted to us from the will of the God's himself. My heart feels for Dradnats in a way I know he can never return.

I do not ask him to change, for he has helped to bring me to see many things about myself that have for along time remained dormant and unseen. That there is passion within me to seek what my heart wishes and desires. That I am not just Ayana Elohanna In'Darsus but I am Ayana the Ranger, Ayana the Wolf.

I have been afraid to be myself, for fear of losing my family. I love them more than anything but I must be true to myself. I must love on my own terms in a way that is true to who I am.

I never expected to fall in love, or to even seek love, but I am the wolf and I desire to be loved, to be held, to walk hand in hand with a companion who understands my heart, who does not judge my desires but shares them with me.

I admit that Dradnats make me feel things I have never, and his love I can not truly ever have. Not in the way I wish to. But I will not turn my back on him, regardless how much my sister tries to persuade me that it is nothing but trouble. I know it is, and I will not deny myself the chance to experience all this life has to offer me either.

My Prince be my shelter and my guide in understanding.

Ayana Elohanna In'Darsus
Elohanna Min A'Litae, Priestess of Aeridin
Breanna Shadowraven, Wizard/Rogue of Folian S'pae
Cord, Bard of Ilsare
Melaa A'nadivian, Ranger of Folian S'pae
 

Anamnesis

Re: Memories of Ayana
« Reply #2 on: May 25, 2008, 08:54:43 am »
I have felt for awhile now, this calling, an outcrying from the Prince, a subtle whisper that started that day I sat upon the mountains with Spider. It has been calling to me and in some ways I have tried to push it away. To push away who I am, but its not what I want.

After returning home I have learned things have changed. I have a new Aunt now. "Aunt Lee" as she likes to be called, married now to my Uncle Ben, may my aunt Tariana rest in peace knowing he has found happiness again.

Just as Aunt Tariana was wise in her own ways, Aunt Lee has also displayed wisdom as well, and in doing so helped to settle my own heart in the direction I knew I should be following, but have been struggling with since leaving home.

I am not my father, though I love him so dearly. I know he understands his little squirrel needs to find her own direction. I have decided that I will return to the temple but not to stay as I first thought, but to renew my devotion to the Prince of Wolves, and with Elgon's help and that of the earth itself, deepen my understanding.

For awhile the calling had ached in my heart and I didn't understand it, but as I stopped to listen and to feel through Elgon the spirit of earth, I finally began to understand. I know it will not be an easy path to change perceptions, to change the way I see the world, but it is a path I felt called too, and that I need to follow.

I love you Daddie and I will always be your little squirrel.

My Prince always guide my heart to protect your blessings,
Ayana Elohanna In'Darsus
Elohanna Min A'Litae, Priestess of Aeridin
Breanna Shadowraven, Wizard/Rogue of Folian S'pae
Cord, Bard of Ilsare
Melaa A'nadivian, Ranger of Folian S'pae
 

Anamnesis

Re: Memories of Ayana
« Reply #3 on: July 16, 2008, 10:50:44 pm »
How could she? How could she do this to her own brother. She is so buried in her belief she is right can she not see more than a few feet beyond her own needs to see that dad deserves and wants to know his eldest son.
 
 Can't she trust that to know him would bring a peace to him he has been longing for so long. How can she betray the family she swears she is protecting? How can she force her will on me in such a way?
 
 I have tried to understand her thoughts but I just can not grasp this reality she seems intent to force upon the family.
 
 And Elgon, never have I felt he would betray the promise of love I thought he held for Ysaline. I thought his heart pure for her and that they were so in love he was to ask her hand in marriage.
 
 But how could he do such a thing, I can not begin to understand either of them anymore. I don't know who to trust. Perhaps it is best that I stay away from both of them.
 
 To find my own path and find in me the strength to embrace the spirit within myself to serve the earth, to bow to the winds, the earth beneath me has always stood strong and true to me.
 
 I can feel myself seeping more into the world around me as if it is more than where I belong, but as if I am truly becoming a part of it.
 
 Even along the shores of Corax lake vanishing in front of my Aunt Lee's eyes by embracing the earth as, Elgon has tried to show me.
 
 I will not give up on trying more each day to understand how it is my own being can call upon the earth to embrace me and how I find in it the strength to become more than just what I am.
 
 Folian guide me in spirit and soul to truly understand more of this beautiful world and give me the wisdom to become all I can to serve the world I walk within.
 
 Ayana Elohanna In'Darsus
Elohanna Min A'Litae, Priestess of Aeridin
Breanna Shadowraven, Wizard/Rogue of Folian S'pae
Cord, Bard of Ilsare
Melaa A'nadivian, Ranger of Folian S'pae
 

Anamnesis

Re: Memories of Ayana
« Reply #4 on: July 30, 2008, 01:45:03 pm »
It is said the blue rose signifies, the impossibe, the fantastic, someone out of reach, or perhaps even the mysterious. Maybe it signifies within the possibility that the one we love is not as out of reach, not so fantastic, or unattainable as we may think.
 
 
 I think it signifies perfectly the friendship that I have with Razeriem, though his heart longs for a life time of true love and happiness, he searches for it with every breath he takes and holds nothing back. Except himself. Though he seems calm and reassuring, he is lonely and longing for a love deserving of a red rose.
 
 
 When he spoke of the meanings of the rose from his point of view I realized that in every spoken word of meaning, that I felt as if I was the rose, and that our friendship, though we tried to disquise it simply as friendship, was certainly becoming more than either of us cared to admit.
 
 
 It was when I told him how confused I was becoming by it that I felt him pull away. That a friend should not kiss another, but then what is it we both desire? I know that after the evening ending with myself breathless from the passion within his kiss. I left even more confused of what I was letting myself do.
 
 
 I had told Elgon that I would see to it after the date, that I would walk away from Razeriem but now I can not. I find in him someone I need in my life, whether the confusion ever ends. I do not mind it. Yet it tears at me in ways I had not expected.
 
 
 I know that we can not be, not until both of us have truly discovered that we are what each other needs. In the same breathless kiss, we may be that piece of hope that each other needs to move forward and open our hearts to the one person we are both searching for and know for sure, it is truthfully and beyond a doubt, more than just a blue rose.
 
 
 Never in my life, not even with Caerwyn who has been a dear friend, though I know his heart is firmly attached as it should be to Amanda, nor Elgon as my best firend and brother, nor Dradnats who tried to bring out the desire in me so that I would not be afraid to let myself go, have I found the ability to open up and speak my thoughts as easy as I find myself able to do with Razeriem. Perhaps it is because of each of them that I find myself longing so deeply to release the essence of the red rose within.
Elohanna Min A'Litae, Priestess of Aeridin
Breanna Shadowraven, Wizard/Rogue of Folian S'pae
Cord, Bard of Ilsare
Melaa A'nadivian, Ranger of Folian S'pae
 

Anamnesis

Re: Memories of Ayana
« Reply #5 on: August 05, 2008, 01:32:39 pm »
He found me, I should have known he would. I think perhaps part of me wanted me to for we have been apart so long. We have hardly spoken a word in months, and then to finally be together again. He has a unique way to calm me, to find my voice when no others can.
 
 He left the choice to confront Razeriem to me. To make my own choice. I doubt they could ever put aside the differences and become friends, but atleast I do not have to worry that my choice will change how I feel about him or Razeriem.
 
 But... How do I feel? I need to find out. I can not let the others make my mind up for me, because it will surely tear me apart inside, and as it is, I feel as if I am losing the peace within and straying further from my desire to understand the connections within the world I have come to love.
 
 I have to resolve the conflicts before I can truly move forward before I can truly understand what it is I am seeking. I can no longer run from them, but I must...learn to confront what it is I fear if I am ever going to find my own peace within.
 
 ~Ayana Elohanna In'Darsus
Elohanna Min A'Litae, Priestess of Aeridin
Breanna Shadowraven, Wizard/Rogue of Folian S'pae
Cord, Bard of Ilsare
Melaa A'nadivian, Ranger of Folian S'pae
 

Anamnesis

Re: Memories of Ayana
« Reply #6 on: December 16, 2008, 08:37:38 am »
In her hands she holds a glass vial its contents uncertain, as she sit beneath a great tree not far from Katia's temple along the river, her feet dangling in the fresh water, trying to clear her thoughts. Her favorite place, she sets aside the glass vial, not yet ready to use it, taking out her journal, breathing deeply, her hands trembling, and the expression of her face one of deep pain.
 
 He has been gone now for years, three or has it been more. I have lost count, or is it hope. I have tried to remain devoted to him, my heart is pained by the thought of going on without him, and what if he returns and believes I have forgotten him. Will he think I never loved him or that I would so easily let go of love. There has been no word from him, no one at his temple has seen him, and I am afraid that though Caerwyn says I should leave a letter for him. I am worried of what I might say. I can't bring myself to put down into words all I feel for him, not yet, not right now.
 
 I have met with Aerimor though, finally and told him of my desire to persue the path of the earth, to take a more active roll rather than just being its guardian as he has put it in my current role as a ranger. My heart feels called to do more, though I know and certainly Aerimor does too that it will not be an easy path to follow and there may be a chance I may never truly understand.
 
 He has given me something, purple mushrooms to mix the oil of, with another root and told me to find my favorite place. So here I am...
 
 She looks to the vial thoughtfully, tucks away her journal and gently takes the vial in her hands, staring at it for the longest time.
Elohanna Min A'Litae, Priestess of Aeridin
Breanna Shadowraven, Wizard/Rogue of Folian S'pae
Cord, Bard of Ilsare
Melaa A'nadivian, Ranger of Folian S'pae
 

Anamnesis

Re: Memories of Ayana
« Reply #7 on: December 22, 2008, 01:41:09 pm »
For what seems like weeks I have been trying to fight the urge to take the vial, and drink its contents. I should be able to feel the pulse of the world around me, to understand without its help.
 
 My brother keeps telling me that a ranger who wishes to protect the world would not be afraid to adapt and change, and pick up a blade to protect the world they cherish so much. Doesn't he understand though how wrong the sword feels in my hands.
 
 Doesn't he understand that Folian provides for me and for them what is needed without the need to resort to such. I can hide from most anything without revealing my presense and move quietly enough that I can gather what I need to survive... I hate to argue with him, I dislike this anger within me at the smallest of things recently. I never used to feel like this. I used to be content to just wander thoughout the world and observe the forces at work in the world around me.
 
 The peace was there within, and all seemed to go drastically askew when I fell in love. I feel all this angst is built up over one thing, I am afraid to let go, and I am holding so tightly to who I think I am, that I am afraid to change.
 
 Folian please guide me to a path of peace, I can not keep on this path. It hurts to much that I have become like this.
 
 ~Ayana
Elohanna Min A'Litae, Priestess of Aeridin
Breanna Shadowraven, Wizard/Rogue of Folian S'pae
Cord, Bard of Ilsare
Melaa A'nadivian, Ranger of Folian S'pae
 

Anamnesis

Re: Memories of Ayana
« Reply #8 on: December 30, 2008, 01:27:52 pm »
I spoke with Caerwyn not long ago and he told me of the leacherous womans visit to see him, to rub into him that she is now seeing my Uncle Story. I could not bear the thought of that woman hurting him too, so I have sent him a letter warning him. I have told him I can not be around her. She has hurt my best friend, my truest friend, and for that I can never forgive her.
 
 Then Caerwyn said as we were speaking under the canopy of Folian's forests. He said what we both were thinking, that so long ago we truly made a mistake in not following our hearts. I still feel for him and wished we had taken the chance to be together. Maybe, Folian willing, we will have that chance but for now the pain is still there for us both, being hurt so deeply by the ones we gave our souls too.
 
 I swear though if that woman hurts Storold, she will sorely pay for it. She doesn't love him, I am sure of it. I am sure she is only seeking him because he is powerful. I don't think she could ever truly understand more than her lust for power. To see her and my uncle together, was to much to bare.
 
 Please Folian protect him from her and guide his heart to know he is worthy of so much better than her. I don't want to see him hurt too.
 
 ~Ayana
Elohanna Min A'Litae, Priestess of Aeridin
Breanna Shadowraven, Wizard/Rogue of Folian S'pae
Cord, Bard of Ilsare
Melaa A'nadivian, Ranger of Folian S'pae
 

Anamnesis

Re: Memories of Ayana
« Reply #9 on: January 19, 2009, 11:02:37 am »
Who is he really protecting? Himself, Me. He says he loves me. I know how I feel. I know how I want to feel. I am tired of feeling this way. I am tired of being alone, but it seems the only time I can clear my head enough to think straight is when I am alone.
 
 Sil, is back, and she is afraid, her own fears driving her away from those that love her and who she loves, and then there is Elgon, I know he is concerned. I know he sees it though he seems to be taking reassurance from me that I am alright.
 
 I am alright. Really. I just have a broken heart, I can not concentrate. I can not begin to focus, on what really matters. I feel absolutely alone, and hope...I do not even dare to hope anymore of love. No thats a lie, I do hold out hope for love. I can not even begin to let go of the hope, that it will find me again. That it will and not let me go. I have so much hope it is tearing me up.
 
 No I am not alright, but I can put a brave face on the truth, for my family. They do not need to be burdened by how I feel inside. I can hide the truth from them, they have enough to worry about.
 
 ~Ayana
Elohanna Min A'Litae, Priestess of Aeridin
Breanna Shadowraven, Wizard/Rogue of Folian S'pae
Cord, Bard of Ilsare
Melaa A'nadivian, Ranger of Folian S'pae
 

 

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