Xian Shu's inner tranquilities and thoughts.

[Hellblazer]

I arrived at the town of Hempstead. Sent by Grandpa, to find uncle Beli. Oath-ed not to open the scroll entrusted to me. I carried it for three weeks until I finally found uncle Beli roaming the devastated street of Hemsptead. It pleased me to see him once again, as there had been many months since his last visit at the family mine.

I must confess, that such secrecy my grandpa used to relay the message to uncle Beli, astonishes me. But yet, in his greater wisdom, he thought it best for me to deliver it myself. Entrusting the pursuit of my training into the brotherhood to my uncle. Who after making sure of my desires, brought me to the monastery in the  Brech mountains.

For the month that would ensue my arrival, he would train me with static exercises. Placed in a sitting stance, he had meticulously placed tea bowls on my thigh, forearms, shoulders and head. I was to stay in that stance for hours, reciting the prayers to Vorax. As much as the physical fatigue was making itself known, my mind had to take control over my body, and my soul took strength in the prayers to Vorax. He also had me do fisted push-ups my legs higher on a bench, or set-ups tied upside down on a board, hundreds of repetitions a day, again, reciting the prayers to Vorax, finding comfort and strength to continue passed the physical pain.

These exercises were undoubtedly aimed at strengthening my body, but also my mind. Learning to see past the suffering and to always keep a clear mind. To draw from my inner energy and from Vorax, the strength and endurance to push on further.

In the afternoon, came the time to practice the different steps of unarmed attacks. Starting with the basic ones. For days on end I would repeat the same attack hundreds of times.

The first time I had entered the hall of training, I was mesmerized by the details of the carvings and paintings, the legacy. The floor even bared the marks of hundred of years of training, as you could clearly see the imprints that were made in it, from the thousands upon thousands of repetitions, that the initiates made over the years.

Once the month was done, Beli granted me 3 weeks to roam the lands and put into practice what I had learned. Never to be idle, my hands and feet always at work. It started with me helping a halfling called Hiromoshi. We trekked for a few days together, helping out in the vicinity of Hempstead. And then, in a fortuitous chance, or was it the act of Vorax, only the father of battle could tell, I met with my second cousin, Buddy. I had heared of a meeting at the Inn of Hlint, and had decided that I would lend an ear, maybe learned a bit more of the history of the lands. And through the talks with the people that were sitting at the table, I learned a little. In the end we decided to prove our valor down in what is called the red cave, where dwells hordes of goblins, ready to storm the roads and attacks caravans. There was a few hot battles, all of those the father of battle would be proud, and I am pleased to say that I can truly understand why Beli had put me in such rigorous training. As this was the last days of my three weeks, I headed back to the monastery, after bidding farewell to my new comrades.

[Hellblazer]

An other two months of training had passed at the monastery that Beli told me I could take another two weeks off. I don't know why he gives me those breaks. I love the training, grueling as they may be, I just love them.

As I was on my way back after the two weeks period, I stumbled upon a woman named Hedessa, I later found. Too bad she is a xeenite, she seemed lovely, in her own ways. In any case, an other storm was brewing, and I could see the towns folk of Hempstead leave the town for hire places. I'm not sure what was to be done, but I helped with a few of them. When the strong winds were blowing the window shutters away, and the tension of the storm could be felt throughout the body. I prayed on Vorax for guidance and help. I would like to think.. no. I believe that he brought his mighty shield and axe, to temper the devastation. As the mages were assembling in unison, raising their magic barrier. I was still there praying to the father of battle. Some may think it to be strange, why would he even care as there is no bloodshed, no combat. There is more to it, combat is one thing, Honor and valiance is an other. Would it have been honorable of me to leave, when I could have helped? Not at all. And so even when the wave came over the barrier, tempered but still strong. Through the grueling training Beli had given me, and the strength I found in Vorax prayer, I was one of the few who resisted the wave, helping others that had taken my hand, to not be swept away. We staid there, helping and preparing for more waves as the day and night progressed. And I can safely say that we have made a difference that day, with the help of Vorax, and us working in unison.

later on, as I made my way to the monastery, I met with Beli.  There we talked about many things, and he asked me one simple question.

"Do yea have enough?"

I wasn't sure at first what he meant, but as I asked him if he met if I had enough of the training. I told him no. I wanted more, I was ready for more. This is what I wanted, this is what I want. With a swift slap in my face, he said.

"You be a brother now"

I was surprised, could it truly be that easy. Of course the training was not, the excruciating pain, was not a walk in the park. But a slap in the face? I expected somewhat more. But it is not my place to judge. I am an initiate now, but the work is far to be done. I have more training to do, more to learn. Beli will be there to help me, but this is my road to walk on. To give willingly without expectation. To help those in needs. Those are some of the things Brothers of battle do. So much to do.

Vorax, be my guide, be my strength. May your axe be true through my fists.

[Hellblazer]

Coming out from an other month of intense training, Beli thought I needed a small break again.. why?.. unless it's for me to put into action what he teaches me. It would make sense.

I decided to make my way to hlint, and see how the town was fairing, if there was anything I could do for them. And there I met her. She is an ally of our faith, Lucia. I don't really know how to write it all up, but she is a great person. We unfortunately seem to need more training. Twice did we fall to the hands of the goblins, once just by ourselves, the other with a group that had congregated and after we went down deep into the red light cave.

It was nonetheless a great time. And I hope I made Vorax proud by helping out others today. Jumping in front of the foes, to take the blunt of the force away from them.. her. I know what Beli would have said. Learn your place in a fight. Obviously it may not be smack in the middle of the enemy, but still, what honor is there to let them get beat up, if I can take a few hits for them?

Time again went by too fast, and I had to head back to the monastery. Lucia also had to head back to her temple in fort Llast, and we walked the way there together talking. She is really a pleasant company and I hope to be of aid to her again in the future. Her gaze at me when she passed me to go up the steps of her temple, and when she turned back again to look at me, it.. made me feel good. I have always been with dwarfs all my life, well ever since Beli saved me. To know a wonderful person as she is... makes me wonder what I have missed. Not that I am complaining in any way or form. I love my family, I love my friends. But as some has mocked me so many times in the past with. I am still, only, human.

Vorax, be my guide, my strength. Keep me straight on your road to honor, and valor. Guide my every steps, and hands to be true to you and work diligently for your glory.

[Hellblazer]

*Xian shu kneels infront of his desk, which is about weaist high as he kneels, contemplating his journal*

It has been months since I had come down from the monastery. The training harder and harder with each passing months. This month, Belly had me train to hardened my fists and feet on wood. every day for hours on end, or until my knuckles bled. I remember how swollen my feet and tibia's were after the first week, but it is now manageable. But never the less, I do so love the training.

I have to confess Journal, that I have missed some of my friends, well not that I have that many yet. But I did miss Lucia enough that I was tempted to send a letter to her temple. But what would she had thought if I had. And maybe it was for the best I did not. I've seen her today, as I was heading back to my apartment at the monastery. But it wasn't as before, she hadn't the easy laugher that she had, and her smiles were mostly missing. Maybe it's me, or maybe it's that man we've met, Leon. he was rather funny with his bulky armor. He will get used to it, but at least that got her smiling and laughing. I had missed seeing that smile, that is for sure.

I'm confused though. Very much so.

[Hellblazer]

*A blood blotch seems to print it self through a few pages*

I am distracted, and Beli made me suffer for it. My mind was floating around the letter I sent her.. I still hope I didn't make a fool of myself in it, but I surely did in front of my uncle, enough that I never saw his round kick creep on me and connect squarely with my face. He broke my nose in a bloodied torrent. The good thing about it he said, it won't be bleeding easily again.

What is it about this woman, this cleric of Toran, that draws me to her this way? Beli laughed when I told him why my mind was else where. I have to focus better when training. At least so when I see her again, I am not a canvas of bruises and black eyes.

Vorax.. I so hope I have not made a blunder.

[Hellblazer]

An other month of intense training, this time I managed not to get bruised.. too much. instead of wood hitting, Beli had me pierce a big bucket filled with metal marbles, with a straight palm. He said it would strengthen my hands to be able to do the quivering palm. Both my hands were swollen after the first week but they are fine now. And so I keep going, without relaxing.

I must have made a fool out of myself, as I have not heard anything from Lucia since I sent her the letter. It's a bit sad, but you know, Vorax must have something else planned for me in that matter and what ever it is I will follow it with honor and diligence.

[Hellblazer]

Well I saw her, and offered her the gift I had found that made me think of her. She loved it. But even if the meeting was short it was nice to see her again. She never mentioned receiving the letter.. did the bird get lost on the way? She was busy though, and needed to work on what she was doing alone. Proposed to help her but she said she needed to do it herself, independent of the help of others. I truly respect that, it is a nice quality, as long as it does not bring one to refuse help in truly dire circumstances out of pride. I proposed we meet again on an other time, for a picnic.. but she didn't seem interested in that. She did say that we should meet to talk.. I'm confused a bit about this, and somewhat apprehensive also.  But I look forward to see her again.

So for now I will go back to the monastery, and train hard and long, to clear my mind.

[Hellblazer]

It is time I come to my senses. I have been distracted far too long by the idea of feeling something new, something I had never felt or even given thought before. But I have the feeling that it is time I pull out of this position before I get hurt. Somehow I got the feeling that Leon and her will end up together anyways, which wouldn't surprise me one bit. So friend it will be.

I must concentrate on what is important to me. And even if she could have been part of what was, I don't think that will happen and maybe that is for the best. I must keep my mind free of distractions, still as the calmest of lakes under the moon light. As flexible as the reeves under the winds that carry the seeds of new growth in their white floating cotton. But strong as the deepest rooted trees, so that I can have the foundations to support the harshest of tests life will throw at me without mercy. MY soul as pure and hard as the clearest diamond, so that Vorax can find honor and virtue in me. That is what I must focus on.

I weep at the lost possiblity, but my heart and mind knows that this is what must be.

Who know what the future will hold. Maybe the greatest and purest of friendship. But I do not think we are meant to be.

[Hellblazer]

*Xian sits on his mattress at the monastery, stretching a few bruised muscle, then he looks at some left over pies that he wasn't able to eat*

Well.. If I tell this to my uncle or anyone here, I know I will never hear the end of it. I got beaten by a woman.. a monk.. an elf. I personally don't mind, as it was great training. But yet, if they hear about it, it will be as if my honor had been soiled. So I wont tell them.

I met her at Fort Wayfare. I had just came back from the desert, training in the arid temperature over there. And I saw her looking lonely over at the water of the lake. It was dark and I couldn't see clearly, but for a moment I thought she was about to jump in, you know?  It was dark.

Her name is Feawen and we ended up talking for hours. There is a sadness about herself she carries on, guilt about her mothers death at birth. But once you get past that, she is slightly spunky.. for an elf. She actually challenged me at the arena. And just for the fun of it, I decided to up the antes.  If she won I ate a full pie, is what she told me. If I won.. well at first I wasn't sure, but as a joke I told her that she had to wear pink for a month and a peck on the cheek.

Well in the three bouts we had, she beat me good. I had trouble connecting with her, and when I did, she kept resisting somehow my stunning fist. So after the last bout I started to slice up the pies.. I mean Vorax be praised that she only had two.. darn.. I was so full that I wasn't even able to finish the last one. Just before she left though, she tiptoed up and gave me a peck on the cheek. I was slightly stunned at that.. or was it the side effect of all the stunning fist she managed to do on me? Don't know. I just know I had a lot of fun that night, but now.. ouch..

I need to train more, and maybe get some new gear. It seems the one I have right now, is good. But I'm sure I could supplement on it.

[Hellblazer]

Training, training and more training. That is what I should focus on. Truly, I have had a lack of honor today, giving a rose to her unknowing she was taken. How awkward was it to hear My Leaf.. my rose in her hand. I decided I would not trample on the man's honor and reputation in front of others people, there fore I have trashed the basket of fruit and ale I had prepared, hoping to spend time with her. Some day I should apologize I think, for now I should just train and train and train. O.. the ale.. the ale.

Ragnar told us of the war he and other waged on the goblins of the red cave. I should have been there. Even if they all fell, it would have been something worthy of my presence. Helping regain control of that cave. Even if I had fallen, it would have been a good death. Maybe this is why the father of battle dislikes Ilsare. Puerile pursuit of affection and dreams makes a man weak, and they fall for naught. This on the other hand, would have been beneficial for the near by county. More stability for their inhabitants.

[Hellblazer]

*Xian Shu sits on his skittish mattress, that is barely thicker than a bed sheet. He looks at the candle, concentrating on it. After a moment he sighs and shakes his head, then gets up and moves to his window that gives on the flank of the mountain, the two moons shining brightly. For a long while he stands there, hes left shoulder resting on the window frame, arms folded. An hour passes, two hours. He then moves back to his mattress and picks out his journal from under the wooden head rest.*

Maybe I should just stay at the monastery and refrain from going down anymore. Concentrate on my trainings only. There is too many distractions out in the world and I fear it is slowing me down. But yet I understand why Beli sends me there. So I can see from my own eyes, how to apply the training he gives me.

It's a dilemma I have to think about. Should I simply stay at the monastery or should I continue coming down when he sends me down?

I don't know. Guess I have more thinking to do. I guess I should at least go one last time to apologize.

[Hellblazer]

I haven't seen Feawen in quite some time, maybe it's for the best, I don't know. What I know is that Hlint has called for aid. Called for people to join their cause in fighting the Orcs and bandits that had raided the town. I joined forces with them, but I can not say I am impressed. Many of them are more concerned about their looks, fashion and being cute than to be effective in combat. There is a few exception to that, Dot Stevens, Keppli, Xanya. Those are more focused on the duty that lays in front of us, on the battle. I think my uncle would be proud. Well beside that they named me potato peeler for the first week or so.

With Azk'a we fought a glorious battle, slaying hundreds of Orcs coming to us in waves. And we didn't wait for them to come to us either. We met them face to face, even went out to seek them out and fought them away from the makeshift fortifications. Even the army regular who was late to the rendez-vous were impressed. Unfortunately one of their section got ambushed and they were all killed. But in the end we held the fort and made sure the Orcs didn't get their hands on the spoils again.

Praise be Vorax, for the strength he gave me. Brothers of battle in arms, in heart and in life!

[Hellblazer]

I haven't written in this journal for quite some time. I just haven't had the heart I guess. I guess it doesn't really matters either. It's just my thoughts, memories and experiences. Nothing of real importance.

Well where to start.. Hlint I guess. Bunch of ingrats. They talk about honor, but yet they turn their back to the people that helped them. Sure maybe some ambassador of the orcs were killed. But if they had not sent their troops to attack us in the first place, that wouldn't have happened. I mean in the mix of the combat, how are people to know that orcs are not attacking? I didn't see the ambassadors anyhow, so I don't know who killed them. And then after that one of their officers openly said that even those that came to help the town shouldn't even have been there in the first place. That the town was better off without them, they go and advertise a party for the heroes? Two time backstabbing people they are. I sure didn't go.

Since then I have spent most of my time back at the monastery. Training days in days out. Doing my regular chore which in themselves are training. Trying to forget the dubiousness of this world. Yet I feel drawn to go down there and just wander around. I haven't forgotten about Feawen, nor our last talk, and what I felt.. still feel somewhat for her. I's one of the reason why I try to stay at the monastery as much as I can I think. I just don't know how to deal with things like that. But yet, I still meet new people. Shurky, Taner, Griff, zig, Gabriel, for a few names. Gab is a riot, but wienie on the side. And then there is Leilana. I just can't get to pronouncing her name right. She is really interesting and a big part of me wishes to know her better. While other parts screams at me to run away and go back to the monastery. I don't know.. We have spent some days together hunting around, talking, laughing. It's nice
[SIZE=20].[/SIZE] *a blot of ink at the end of the phrase as if he had left the quill too long while thinking*

[Hellblazer]

*Xian sits at the lake of glass, his journal out and looks at the cub that comes in, groaning it's nose up smelling the fruits and fishes in the basket. Xian throws a fish to the cub that eats it purring*

I guess I'm just one of those unlucky guys or something.

While I was collecting fruits and fishes and nuts for the basket I am doing, I stumbled on Feawen. It was nice seeing her again, and I don't really know what changed, but it was a lot easier than the last times we had met. Maybe the dawn of realization finally came on me, or I have simply grown further away. I don't know, I just don't feel as torn anymore around her. In any case it happens that we ended up talking about Leilana. And one thing she made sure to be clear about, is that I should ask her about what is puzzling me. Why she didn't answer when we talked at the underwater docks. Feawen seems to think I just did not see the answer in how Leilana took my hands and listened to the sound of the waterfall with her eyes closed concentrating on the moment. But I mean.. it's not something easily understandable or something. So I guess I should just ask her, in the risk of making a fool out of myself.

But yet, since then I haven't seen her. When I wasn't sure and was too puzzled to just ask her, there she was, coming out of no where. Always there for the laugher and the adventure. But now that I've decided to just ask her.. she's no where to be found. And the food is going to waste soon. Guess that makes that bear cub happy, but I'll have to get more food soon, if I ever get to see her again.

*Gives an other berry to the bear cub that came closer at the scent of the food basket*

Poor cub looks really hungry, I wonder where the mother is. This is something I'm sure Leilana would like.

[Hellblazer]

I spent the day training today. Not unusual, but it just seemed as I had a greater force than usual. I could feel my muscles tense just a the right moment, a fraction of a second before hitting the dummy and I could hear the wood work and crack harder than usual. I noticed it also when I was fighting some undeads in the gloom woods. I didn't need my lion leather gloves to hit the stinking mummies anymore. This is good news I guess, something I can work on to improve it I'm sure.

[Hellblazer]

Had a good talk with Argos the other day. It helped me better understand the frustration I was feeling. In the end he told me I shouldn't worry about it and not let it get to me. I mean, when you want to know a friend better and it turns out that you are feeling as if you are being used and ignored. It can be hard to stomach. Even more so that it came so suddenly. One day she was all smile and talking, the next she invited me to join her on trips and all, but once on it, it was like if I wasn't there. I don't know, I don't think I treat my friends like that, if I do it's something I need to stop. No one likes to be made feel like they are only there to be used as a meat shield or something. So instead he said to simply let go of it, and keep fighting the good fight, in a way. Although our discussion was cut short due to other people coming to meet us, it was very appreciated. Maybe it was just what I needed. Someone able to listen and understand without passing judgment. Just shows how much a good friend he is.



We made our way through the chasm of the desert on Mistone. Lots of snakes there. kept fogging my mind. I guess this is something I need to train on.  But then as we went deeper, we started to face spirits of all sorts. It was a very good and enjoyable trip. Rory, Argos, Griff, zig and a halfling named Tuggs or something, were with me on this one. A very capable group I have to say. Made me proud to share the battle with them.