zerpa's journal

[zerpa]

I know I am going to have to face it. I cannot avoid it any longer. The pain, the trauma, the fear seem to envelop my every waking moment.  I can't remember what happened that night, and yet I'm left with a haunting memory of torture and abandon.

All I really know now is that the world isn't a safe place. I think I used to believe it was. Perhaps it is the increasing force of Bloodstone that darkens the continents. But it must be more than that. It must be this trauma I can't remember. I have nothing but fear and dread to guide my life.

What happened that night is hard to reconstruct. My husband, teefal, tells me we had been in Rangers Vale for a couple of weeks settling in with our newly adopted baby girl, when suddenly gypsies appeared late one night and stole our child. They knocked us unconscious and bound teefal. I must have woken soon after they left and tried to follow them... until they spotted me. They beat me unconscious and left me to die. I must have lain in the woods alone, silently bleeding, being picked over by spiders, gnolls, and ogres until I was found by rangers near Kronar three days later. They found me lying next to my shattered oak bow, barely alive. I had no idea who or where I was.

I still remember nothing of that night, nor do I remember much about my life before. I have memories of teefal and our love, fleeting scenes of my childhood in Laeral by the sea, but not much else. I am told I used to be skilled archer, but now I can barely shoot straight.

To this day I fear the forest and its dreary darkness.

Since that night I have tried to heal and to fit in to the local community in Hlint. I say little and try to blend in, since I want little attention from others. It's difficult to be around people most of the time. I'm afraid they will discover who I am deep down. There are certainly some who have been kind and gentle... Connor Garvil, Marcan Telo, Ayla Bineau, Luna Moonchaser... to name a few.  And of course, my dear teefal, who has stood by me throughout this agony. But most people seem like dangerous strangers to me.

I don't think others can perceive my inner terror. I certainly hope not. I try so hard to hide it. I perform my daily tasks and attempt to fulfill my obligations as best I can... with integrity, honesty, and skill. I know we must all join together to clear away the evil from the land and make this realm safe once again. But I feel like a fraud. I'm barely qualified to call myself an archer. I don't feel useful on our quests. I'm terrified of the dark and of evil creatures. And then there are the forests......... I feel helpless most of the time. I'm afraid to leave Hlint.

Every night I pray to Ilsare, my Lady of Dreams, to wake me from this nightmare and to guide me out of this darkness. But every day remains like the next... filled with trepidation and anguish.

Teefal thinks the gypsies put on a curse on me - a spell to wash away the memory of our child that they so viciously stole from us. I have a vague memory of an infant, but I can't picture her. Maybe teefal's right.

But how can I heal this pain? What can I do? I feel like such a victim. I need to feel some confidence, some stability. But what can bring me empowerment?

[zerpa]

I woke up with the usual panic, dread....a heaviness in my chest. Despite my wanting to stay nestled comfortably by the campfire, I got up and went into town. I made an effort to speak to a couple of people, even though it was very difficult. They all seem so sure of themselves - so happily engaged in their lives.

I did meet a strange but kind woman, Mary Blood Axe. She looks like an elf and acts like a dwarf. Some even say she's human. Who or whatever she is, she is a good fighter, and I was glad to have her along on our work in the crypts. Maybe she will be a friend.

Later, teefal and I gathered with some folks in Leilon to discuss a major crisis concerning a horrible creature, named Xithiiraa. She sucks the life right out of living things. We need to find a way to get her back in a cage that is formed by gathering five items. We have one of the items, an amulet, that a woman named Lalaith carries. This evil creature terrifies me. I can't imagine how we can possibly succeed. It seems that others in the group have more certainty than I. Perhaps it is because most of them have magical skills. I envy them.

Yet, it seems to me that only the strongest of magic will be able to trap this bloodsucking creature...if such magic even exists.

[zerpa]

Met a kind, generous bard this evening named Olme. Teefal and I were going out hunting and he came along. We were out by the Kobold camp and Olme showed me how to fish using my bow. Later he showed me how to build a fire to cook the fish. The trout was very tasty!  To think all this time I just let teefal make the fires! How silly of me.

Olme seems like such a gentle soul. I feel like I have a friend. This was the first time I can remember where I actually forgot my troubles for a few moments. I hope I see him again soon!

[zerpa]

The weight of the world returned in full force when I reached our camp last night. I found Teefal there, a mere shadow of himself. He had been visciously attacked by a strange evil elf. The elf use some powerful magic that paralyzed my husband and drained the life from him.

All the helplessness I have been feeling came rushing back into my heart. How can we possibly survive in this evil world? Teefal is able to perform a few divine spells, but he has nowhere near the strength that we will need to confront the level of evil magic around us.

I have no magic within me. What good am I....

[zerpa]

Yesterday was an amazing day. Teefal and I were with a small group that decided to see a bit of the countryside, and in Fort Hope we hooked up with a powerful fighter named Derrick. He was a little gruff at first, but seemed interested when teefal mentioned adventuring. After some discussion, Derrick decided to show us the Sword Rust Mountains.

Well, things were going well... Ayla was healing us, and teefal, Zanirth, and I were shooting swift arrows from a far, while Derrick rushed into the center of the gnolls and struck them down in single blows. I have never seen such power and strength in a fighter.

However, very sadly, near the end of the confrontation, teefal took a fatal hit and found his soul back in Hlint. I suddenly felt the cold chill of loneliness as I imagined what my poor husband must be going through. I prayed to my Archer of Love, Ilsare, to guide his way safely back to the place of his death, and I suggested to the group that we try to head in the direction to find him.

Well, as might be expected, teefal ran into a little trouble along the way, but luckily a man named Quin was nearby and was able to escort him safely into Fort Hope.  I think I have seen Quin around the area, but have never really had the chance to speak to him. Evidently, Derrick had left Quin a note to come join him in an expedition into the Haven Mines, and we were lucky enough that Quin came along when he did.

So, while teefal and Derrick returned to teefal's grave, a small group in Fort Hope began to formulate plans to head into the Haven Mines. I was sad to see Ayla suddenly called away by something urgent. By the time we were ready to leave, we had Derrick, Quin, Zanirth, me, teefal, and a grumpy dwarf named Gretchen. I have to say I have seen her around, and she makes me very uncomfortable. It has nothing to do with her being a dwarf. Despite the ongoing elven-dwarf tensions, I find dwarves to be strong, committed, loyal, and often funny. But I have seen Gretchen be so rude to people.... I had already decided before this night to give her a wide berth.

But here I was with this woman, among others, going to a place where teefal and I had already met certain peril. Only a few days earlier he and I had attempted to do Lord Rodor's bidding and bring him the head of the powerful ogre leader from the bottom of the mines. We got no further than the first large room. I died, running in terror toward the cave exit.

I wish so much to be brave and more powerful, but I think I push myself too much. I can get in over my head so easily. Returning to the mines seemed like one of those times.

But I went anyway.

Well, Gretchen proved herself to be a formidable fighter, so with Derrick, Quin, and Gretchen to head into the ogres, it was easy for me, teefal, and Zanirth to shoot our arrows from a safe distance. I, surprisingly, came through the event unscathed.

I feel I learned much in those mines, although I doubt I will attempt them again in the near future without again the company of a few powerful fighters.

Outside the mines, Derrick rewarded himself with quite a bit of ale, and was downright drunk by the time we came back from bringing Lord Rodor his ogre prize. We had accumulated a little gold from the pockets of the ogres, so both teefal and I mentioned that we were thinking of purchasing an oak bow with the surplus. What a pleasant surprise to find that Quin, himself, crafts oaken bows and said he could make two for us!!

Of course, throughout this conversation Derrick was becoming increasingly offensive from his liquor.  He's a great fighter, but kind of a obnoxious drunk. Luckily, we soon parted ways, as Quin agreed to accompany teefal and me to Hlint with the goal of showing us the basics of bowcrafting.

Well, I am amazed at Quin's abilities. He showed me all the intricacies of making a bow. The process is so involved, yet he made it look so easy. The bow he made for me is beautiful and very fine. I know it will assist me in battle.

From Quin I learned that I must first develop my abilities as a cook. He decided it would be best to go to Krandor to demonstrate skills in the kitchen. At the mention of Krandor, I immediately froze, remembering how visciously I was attacked by some vines just outside of the city. Yet being around Quin, I somehow knew I would be safe. I agreed to go.

I found teefal spending his hard earned gold downing cheap ale at the Wild Surge Inn, and the three of us set out to Krandor. When we reached the outskirts of the city, Quin walked delicately around the area where the vines had injured me. Teefal and I were able to follow behind him without incident.

After a brief cooking lesson, where I roasted my first rice, Quin offered to show us him home in Krandor. Not surprisingly, it is a wonderful place. All the rooms were decorated with such taste and care, I felt comfortable right away. The last room he showed us was completely bare, which I thought was strange considering how well assembled every other room was. After a few moments, Quin suggested that we could stay there.

I don't know what to say...the kindness and generosity of this man is none that I have ever experienced. It has moved me. I feel a small part of me begin to relax inside. Maybe this darkness I carry can change. Who knows... There do seem to be some good souls in the world. At the same time, there seems to be a deep sadness in Quin. Perhaps that is what I connect to most. I'm not sure. I just know that because of this gracious man, teefal and I were safe, and I was able to sleep more peacefully than I ever knew possible.

Thank Ilsare for bringing me to this place.

[zerpa]

Since my last entry, I must say life has changed considerably. I have been praying often to my lovely Ilsare to keep us safe, and the darkness that has plagued my mind for so many months seems to have lifted a little in the past few days. Much of my time is devoted to cooking, shopping, fishing, and spending time with teefal, Quin, and a lively halfling named Acacea. She is downright goofy! Quin and Acacea really lighten my spirits, as they fill me with stories and laughter.....as well as liquor!

Last night Teefal and I met again with the large highly-skilled group that continues to try to ensnare the evil shapeshifter, Xithiiraa. After a long, weary trip from Leilon to the Wolfswood Forest, we were able to locate an old elf named Erdissar. Evidently around 500 years ago, he and 5 other young wizards failed miserably in an experiment and created this...thing. They ultimately devised a way to trap it, using a 5-piece amulet constructed in part out of the the creature's own blood! The monster remained locked away deep underground until just recently, when the dark cult who follows her figured out a way to set her free. Our group obtained the main piece a couple of weeks ago, and Erdissar can provide one of the other four. After meeting with wizard, we traveled on to Karthy, where we were able to secure another part of the amulet from the harbor master there. So now it is up to us to locate the descendants of two of the other wizards, who have the remaining pieces, and complete our mission to rebuild this cage. However, members of Xithiiraa's cult were close on our trail, and we fear an attack. I hope this task does not prove to be too perilous for teefal and me.

The group parted down in Karthy, but thanks to Victor, Pathfinder, and Kayla, a very kind drow elf who has made a point to reach out to me, teefal and I were able to reach home safely.  The entire group will meet soon in Lorindar to continue our quest.

After what is becoming my usual nightcap with Quin and Acacea, I lay awake next to a snoring teefal thinking of the incredible power that these 6 young wizards must have had! Yes, perhaps they used their power unwisely at first, but they learned how to rectify their mistake with even greater magic! And I'm starting to believe that if we succeed in gathering the parts, Erdissar can find that kind of magic in himself again .... hopefully at not too great a cost!

To think of all the good one could do with that kind of facility in spellcraft! I have heard there is a library in Blackford's Castle, where I could begin to read about wizards and their astonishing art. I must go there soon.

[zerpa]

Someone asked me the other day about my childhood. I hope he didn't think of me as less than gracious when I quickly shut down the conversation. I just didn't know how to respond. I felt my mind begin to close in on itself, and I realized I still can't talk about it. To lose one's memory seems akin to losing one's mind.

Fortunately, teefal can recount to me some of the stories I used to tell him. My mother was a beautiful elven bard, who wanted so much for me to follow in her footsteps. She would write songs in praise of Ilsare and perform them for the whole town of Laeral. She used to sing me to sleep every night when I was little, but as I grew, she started to pressure me to develop my musical skills. I was her only child, so I guess she desperately wanted to leave a legacy. Luckily, my father, a ranger and master of many weapons who used to patrol the shores of southern Voltrex, wasn't so concerned about my vocation. He just wanted me to be happy and encouraged me to do what I desired, which often meant my tagging along behind him begging him to show me another technique on his longbow.

That's what I'm told I always loved.....shooting a bow, and teefal said I had bragged about being the sharpest shooter in the coastal plains of Voltrex. I guess I believe him, but it's hard to see that person now....

Evidently, my command of archery led me to a lust for adventure, and I left home early around the age of 110 to seek my own life. Teefal says I traveled around Layonara for years as a mercenary until I fell in with a band of rangers stationed around Vale. And that's where I met teefal. He was a young ranger with a strong head, but a stronger heart. I guess I knew I would marry him the first day we met.

Teefal told me my parents died a few years ago.... my father's patrol was caught by a huge ocean storm off of Craulnober, and in trying to rescue a small child caught under a rock in the water, my father was swept up by a wave and drowned. I guess my mother, stricten with grief, slowly lost her mind and threw herself in the sea a few weeks later. I can't even imagine that.....

So, that's all I have... a story supported by only fleeting images and distant feelings. It hurts not to know in my heart that these are my stories. Perhaps I will remember more someday....

[zerpa]

Haven't had time to write lately. So much has happened.... I feel like in some ways I'm becoming a different person. I haven't remembered more of my past, but I am creating a future.

Several weeks ago, I had an idea to have a picnic...invite a few friends, try to take a break from the pounding stress of daily existence here on Mistone. We met at the lovely waterfall west of the Blackford Castle. After some fishing, some decent ale, and some pleasant conversation, we noticed a dark figure sitting on the bank just down river.

We were at first alarmed, but upon further investigation, discovered he was just an old wizard, named Odysen, resting his eyes from a weary day of spell study. Upon hearing that he was a wizard, naturally I became very curious, and forgot my shyness and started asking him all sorts of questions. He was kind and patient with me, and eventually suggested I visit the great library on Voltrex.

Now, I wasn't sure how the group would react to going to a library, when they had expected more ale and freshly caught fish, but some were a little curious and the others decided to be good sports, so we walked over to the castle's library, where we were able to take a portal to the elven island.

Well, teefal and I had visited that library just days before, and found it so vast and confusing, we didn't stay long. This time we were able to find a librarian, but she proved not to be too helpful and more interested in muttering some strange calculations to herself. She did manage to show us a huge wall where the magic books were. Well, we all started looking around, examining strange titles. I picked up a few dusty tombs that were so theoretical, I couldn't understand a thing!

Finally, I opened this one book, and whooosh! a great flash of light spewed out from the center of the book! Just then, we saw a strange apparition of an elf carrying a long wand. He kept fading in and out, so it was hard to make him out at first, but eventually his image stabilized.

He introduced himself as Ader’rin, a wizard from Voltrex who had known my family. In fact, he said he remembered me as a child and young woman before I left home! He beckoned us to come visit him in his house in the middle of the Forest of Mists to talk further, then his image faded.

So, my friends, being so kind and generous with their time, agreed to accompany me on a trip to Dregar. Derrick used his Leilon connections and his keen persuasive skills to get a good deal on a boat charter direct to Lorindar! From Lorindar we hiked up to the Forest of Mists, through Pranzis  (which is an amazing place! - very colorful!).

Teefal started to recognize places in the forest, although to me it all looked dark, mysterious, and strange. Through one pass, we ran into huge giants roaming the woods. Derrick was able to lure them one at a time around a corner into our tightly prepared ambush!

We finally reached Vale, deep inside the Forest of Mists, where teefal and I lived before coming to Mistone. It didn't look familiar to me at all, but teefal recognized it instantly, and without too much trouble we found Ader’rin's house. We were let into an enormous wooden paneled room. Ader’rin appeared and came to sit on a huge brown bear rug. I timidly walked up to him and was greeted warmly.

He told me amazing tales of my grandmother, Edillia, who was a great wizard on Voltrex and Ader’rin's teacher and mentor. Edillia had wanted me to become a wizard and had evidently taught me some magic when I was young, but at the time I guess my love for archery outweighed my desire for continuing magical studies.

The highlight of the evening was what Ader’rin gave me ... a journal from my grandmother written especially for me. The first section contained the basics of spellcrafting and all kinds of personal notes and tips from my grandmother.  The rest of the book used a script I could not understand, but Ader’rin said after long study I might be able to decipher some of the language. I couldn't believe holding such a thing in my hand! I was so excited!

At the end of the evening Ader’rin gave me a hug and said he would be available to me anytime I wished to visit again. For the first time, I felt like I might have some family.

The trip home with my friends was uneventful. I was glad to get home safe from Dregar and begin to read my book!