I think there are four shades of black right? I use the second lightest, but the second darkest is good too. As you said the pure black is too black, and the other one is probably too light.
I'm not sure about the heads though, I gave my two layo Drow the same head which was just one of the standard NWN heads, but they both seem to have changed of their own accord to what I'm assuming is a layo custom head.