The World of Layonara
Character Development => Development Journals and Discussion => Topic started by: Sol_seeker on January 06, 2005, 05:13:00 PM
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*on the first page of the journal, in a handwriting of mixed printing and cursive*
Well... I am not sure what to write here... I suppose I will explain what this is, and where I acquired this journal.
Today Quin gave this to me as we were sitting outside the temple of Toran in Pranzis. I had sat outside the temple as he prayed. We talked afterward, and he showed me a book that he had with a "Q" engraved on the outside. He explained that the book was his journal and he let me read it. I read the entiries, starting with how he first met me in the mountains, to when I was around more and finally ending with a poem that he had written the night before...
Then he showed me another book, this one with an "M" engraved on the cover, and gave it to me. This one, he said, was for me to write things that I may not want to tell him, or for things that I wanted to remember...
So this journal is dedicated to Quin... my Quin.
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Here I think I will write of how I remember Quin and I meeting... I had read in his journal of the times he remembered, so this seems as good of a spot as any to put down what I remember...
It was in the mountains, although I always get the names confused... I was wandering, like I like to do, exploring unseen throughout the wilderness. I was walking, not really paying attention and two warriors suddenly ran up and stood in the area. I summoned a wolf, to give them a clue that I was in the area. There was an encampment of gnolls, or something... ugly and not friendly. So I joined them for a bit, and then Quin and I talked for a while in the inn...
There was a while that I didn't see him, problaby due to my month in Dregar... And then I remember there was an incident with a drow child in Hlint. She was young, a child, and Garrett was yelling at her to leave. She didn't speak a bit of common and was quite confused at all of the commotion. He said again he wanted her to leave, so I made the child invisible... Garrett wasn't too happy about that... But I remember Quin was there and that I was happy to see him.
Time passed again, and I remember seeing him a bit more often. I would always say hi, and we would talk for a bit. I love company and talking, so I would happen to find him... always summoning Li Roi to let him know I was there. I do like to be invisible, but now I am learning when I can safely be seen...
Then we talked more and would travel a bit together, talking, learning about each other, as what normally happens when two people talk. He is a knight, and he grew to want to protect me. I found this amusing, as I was mostly alone, taking care of myself just fine.
One night, he bound himself to me. He said that as long as he drew breath that he would protect me. I was quite supprised at this. I did not expect him to pledge himself to me. I did not see why he would want to do this, or what he coud gain from it... I did not mind the company, though. I had grown accustomed to him being there. Another supprise was when he gave me a key to his house the next day. He said that he could not protect me if there were walls between us... And so his house became mine also.
And I became his world.
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He tells me that he loves me... and I still don't know how I will answer that question. I have a deep affection for him, yet there is something that holds me back. Fear, problaby... that is what seems to rule my decisions. I know that I consume his thoughts, his soul, but something keeps from repeating the words back to him. I feel guilty for this, but I will not lie to him.
I can see his love in his actions, his devotion, his tenderness when I am hurting. Last night, for instance, we traveled with a large group, trying to find a good to vanquish yet another evil in this strange world. I was slain and after I was raised, fear consumed me. Most likely from the moment before my life was snatched away... but upon regaining my soul, I ran away terrified. I did not understand where I was or why all these people gathered around me. I hid behing some rocks... he searched me out, told me that I was alive again and that he would protect me from all that he could. Comforting words to one still gripped in the terror of death.
Then again, after he was slain, I sat by his corpse, waiting, almost crying. Friend and foe lay in bloody piles around us. Somehow I escaped death that time... I looked to the heavens and prayed for a miracle. I prayed to Ilsare but clutched the symbol of Toran around my neck. Maybe one would hear me... someone must have. His soul was given back and the first thing that he saw upon his return to life was me.
And he smiled...
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The madness came to visit tonight...
I was able to keep it at bay for most of the day. In the morning I was a bit more awake than usual... that should have been a clue to me. We spent the day doing errands of sorts... gathering supplies, crafting, tring to obtain Topaz, only to find that it was harder to make dust than we had hoped...
Then we came home... he said that he wanted to reward me for the help with the ogres... I think that is one of those words that inspires a rush of feelings: self-denial, anexiety, isolation... walls that seek to confine me in open spaces... I feel that a section has been cut out of my mind, my soul sometimes...there are things that I just can't understand, no matter how hard that I try. I do not understand why he says that there is nothing wrong with me. I see so many things, so many.
curled within myself, the emotional pain turning to physical truama
the darkness threatening to envelop, but the storm holds
only the begining of the madness looms, the hold of the demons
that whisper lies into my ears and show mirages to my eyes
having suffocated my emotions, only the sadness, the isolation remains
but then there is a light... a strong beacon that my blind eyes try to see
showing a truth that I cannot touch, grasping air
seeing the wind but not being able to contain it.
*it seems that the pen was put down for a while and the manuscript continued at a later time*
And then it subsides... thankfully... Quin and I had an interesting conversation tonight. It started with me feeling different and a desire to be classified as "normal." I don't know what that is, but I feel that I am not there, not at the place where it seems that most others are. I think it is just me, though... everyone is diferent, and I suppose I have just put a name to the ideal that I wish I could be.
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I think Quin must had some sort of bad dream last night... I woke up this morning to find him gone with a note left for me, telling me that he left for a bit. This in itself was not strange, as it happened most days. When I moved to get up out of bed, I noticed a considerable amount blood and I know he had not been injured the night before.
I called Li Roi to me and pushed the talons out of his paws to see if he had been playing with the cat. I found nothing unusual about his claws, indicating that he had been playing, fighting, or brought a kill into the bedrom again... but that is a different story.
I cleaned up the best I could and made a mental note to ask him about the odd circumstances when he got back to the house. There was no reason for the blood...
When he returned, I questioned him about the blood and he told me of his dream. It involved friends of ours, an enemy or two and him performing miracles that I had only seen preists do. He wondered what the dream meant, mentioning that Cel said something about him becoming a cleric...
I have always thought of Quin as more than a soldier and told him on numerous occasions. I remember that is how he decided to bind himself to me and never leave. He stated that he wanted to fight and throw away his life for the sake of duty... I had him promise me that instant that he would not be so foolish and waste himself like that. I was confused and amused by his next declaration.
Life has never been the same, but in a good way...
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As I was sitting down today, absently scratching Li Roi behind the ears, I thought of how few know the story of my familiar, this great cat, panther, that I call my companion. It started when I was back in my forgotten homeland, an unknown place that still spawns nightmares, where ever that was... But I remember finding a small black kitten that I keept with all of the the others, as was customary. Not supprisingly, the little one became ill and progressively weaker, until the sickness was undeniable. The time came time to move him to a spot of recovery. Unfortunately, no space was open and only one option remained...
Every time I touched this small creature, he would open his runny eyes and purr at me. His longish silky hair and nose were covered in mucus from not having enough energy to clean himself properly. I took pity on him. I cared for him, took him into my home and aquired myself a new pet. I named him Li Roi. Soon after, I found it time to leave that place, although I don't remember why...
Then came the middle period of my life, before the dragon dream but after my life that still wakes me up in the middle of the night... I studied to become a wizard and finally the day came to choose a familiar. My cat was always around me, so the master decided that he would be the perfect choice. A bit small as a housecat, he was transformed into a panther, magestic and beautiful. In my opinion, at least.
From that day on, he became more than my pet. A companion, friend and constant amusement. For some reason, he won't tell me, he loves to sneeze on everyone and everything... I just apologize to all, while laughing on the inside.
*the page shows marks of some unknown liquid having been wiped off*
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I have noticed Quin walking around more by himslef lately. I think I know what bothers him but what I don't know is how to make him feel better, both in mind and body. The sojourns have to do with his dreams, when he wakes up in the middle of the night soaked with sweat and blood. I do my best to bind the wounds, but it doesn't seem to help. The blood keeps flowing, pools on the floor...
His blood scares me.... makes me think of the death I have seen... the blood running from bodies, onto tables, on the floor. I don't want to see him like that. It frightens me every time he is injured and then when he bleeds from wounds that should be healed, that were healed... it makes no sense...
He dreams of being a healer, maybe a cleric, an instrument of Toran. He sees the power that could be given to him... but then why is he wounded every time he awakes? I don't understand. Why would Toran hurt him like that?
As long as I don't see him like the ones in my dreams. I think of the eyes as the window to the soul. But the eyes that haunt me... eyes half closed, the centers large, an odd shinyness to them...
*there is a long line at the end of the entry as if the writer became lost in thought but was unable to move away from the page*
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I thought about how I found my goddess today... an experience that doesn't usually cross my mind, as I try not to remember events from my past. That is from the "middle period", as I like to refer to it and I suppose even though I don't like to remember, nothing that bad happened then.
My mentor and I would travel to the next city for spell components every week... I was happy that I was able to travel. I didn't get out much in that begining period... the whole town was centered about the... business... no, culture, of what we had to do.But anyways, I loved to visit the temple of Ilsare every time we shopped the city. That temple was the most beautiful in the city... I wish I could remember the name, I would love to go back and visit, see the clerics I knew, if they were still there. Everyone, everything was so beautiful... the art, the clothes and even the clerics themselves.
One cleric, wise and beautiful as she was old, saw me touching one of the sculptures one afternoon. She offered to show me how the artwork had been created and took me to an artist's workshop. He must have been an old friend by the tender looks that they gave each other. We watched him the rest of the day create a beautiful sculpture of a woman, the skin as soft as life, a beautiful creation of wet clay. He promised to show me how it would be finished in the upcoming weeks, whenever I appeared in the city again for supplies. The next week I saw how he fired the sculpture, a process that I mistakenly called cooking. That make him laugh... The week after he had prepared of some odd ingredients... the ash of trees, powered bits of rock. He made this mixture into a paste that he rubed all over his sculpture, making sure there was plenty in the creases and folds of the skin. To my supprise, after it was fired again, the woman was a toasty brown color and where the ash and rock gathered a pretty greenish color had devoloped...
I started spending more time at the temple, learning of the arts and the world, but nothing about love, strangely. I thought that Ilsare was mostly about love and things of that nature but as I look back, I was too young at heart and naieve in mind to have learned about anything true... perhaps my cleric knew this, surely she did.
Something about how there was beauty in everything fascinated me. I took up a crossbow, most of the clerics had bows and enscribed the name Ilsare on it. I rarely used it then or even now, but it reminds me of her. I worshiped the goddess, trying to see the beauty in all things, eventually seeing beauty in odd places from my past. Like charred teeth, their cobalt blue centers a wonderful contrast to the white and smoky outsides...
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I know I should have written in my journal on the day I said those words, but I haven't been able to do so until today. I said three words I wasn't sure I would ever be able to. I gave my all to this man, but could not tell him that I loved him. Surely he could tell my by actions, my speech, a gentle touch. But the words always seemed to fail me... he would tell me that he loved me and all I could answer in return would be "thank you."
I waited to tell my him feelings for a couple of days, gathering all of my courage to speak the words that I had enscribed in my heart. But we crafted and adventured, not times I wished to have a special moment with someone.
That night we went for a walk around dusk. We strolled around the lake in Krandor and ended up sitting on a bench, looking at the stars. We tried to find pictures of animals in the sky, talked about fate, the world, our friends. He placed his arm around my shoulder, his other hand touching mine, and I felt like nothing in the world could have inspired a more beautiful night.
I then said the words... it is hard to even write them here... I said "Quin, I love you..." I hid my face for a moment, but then looked him in the eyes and said it again. He was shocked, not believing that I would say those words to him so soon, possibly never... But I know that the words consume my soul, and every time I tell him, it becomes a little bit easier...
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I had another dream... I don't like when that happens, the thoughts that invade my mind and leave unwanted memories of a time I wish to forget.
This dream was about mercy and pity, I suppose... two of the more prominent emotions that occur, even though when I awake I find the only things I am able to feel are guilt and anger at what I did...
A baby arrived in that begining place... a young creature of a type I cannot remember. It was carried in and then handed over to me. The little one could not walk anymore, skinny to the point of failure within its muscles. Glazed eyes made it clear that the mind had been lost some time ago. The body had started to seize, shaking and twitching uncontrolably. Ragged gasps of breath could be heard as the nose and lungs were already filled with a thick fluid. This little one was suffering....
I took the creature into my arms, holding it gently, and carried it to a quiet place. I stroked the fur caringly for a moment and then applied the poison. Thankfully, mercy was achieved on the first attempt and it relaxed, the pain gone, the body limp. The mouth opened to reveal pale white gums and teeth.
And I layed the body before the fire...
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While crafting this morning, Quin asked me an odd question... Actually, the question itself wasn't odd, as he previously asked me on other occasions, but the tone of his voice made me take note. Something differed this time...
He inquired once again if I would say yes to marrying him. I responded that I would, that I wanted to be with him forever and I would say those words in front of the gods and man. The ceremony itself did make me nervous because many people would surely be invited. I wondered aloud if anything between us would change after marriage. He thought the only change to take place would be everyone would know we were together, forever...
A diamond, he said, would look good on my ring finger. Where would he obtain a diamond, I wonder?... They are expensive and I don't know if he even has enough money for a purchase of that type. Although, I have never had any jewelry with meaning other than the simple ankh of Toran around my neck. I am sure that a ring would be beautiful and shine brilliantly as it reminded me of him every time I looked at it. But I don't need to dwell on thoughts such as these...
To add to my curiosity, as I returned from a quick trip to the inn this evening to craft sugar, he closed his journal hurriedly upon my enterance. I wonder what he was writing...
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I remember a story that the old cleric of Ilsare, my friend whose name still fails me, told me long ago...
My mentor felt spending time in the city would be more useful in continuing my education than shopping with him and hearing the latest gossip from the merchants. Besides, I did not care to discuss the best places for bat guano. He was delighted that I found a friend at the temple of Ilsare and encouraged me to spend time with her, as I had never been out into the real world before...
I helped her with her chores and anything else that needed to be done while I visited... I enjoyed having someone to talk to and ask my questions about everything. Sometimes I think she would make up errands for us so she could teach me various lessons about the world I had never known until that time. One day we shopped for various items that the temple needed. We walked all over the city as she pointed out different buildings and monuments as we wandered in search of the items on her list. In hindsight, I think she wanted to teach me about the gods, as I knew nothing about them. I had known no gods...
We talked about each temple, the people she knew and how the different gods related to each other. At the temple of Xeen she explained that Xeen was the goddess of pleasure and pain, the daughter of Lucinda and Corath, however interesting that union may have been. I mentioned in an offhand comment something about how Ilsare and Xeen must have similar views on the relationships between people... She looked at me for a moment and laughed. The cleric saw I was hurt by this, so we sat by a fountain and talked. She explained that lust and love were two vastly different things, with love the more complex of the two.
She told me that love could be divided into three different types. First was phylos, translated as the love between brothers. She explained this type was the love she has for the old sculptor and her fellow clerics. The next type was the love between lovers, eros. She felt this towards her late husband, with whom she had spent most of her life. Finally agape, unconditional love. She explained this as the love between mother and child. A mother continues to love her child, even if she has done wrong, and forgives all that happens...
I know Quin worries for his friends and has strong feelings for them. He feels guilty because he wants to love me completely and give me everything. I told him my story when he was sad and I think it made him feel at least a little better...
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As he gazed into my eyes, I asked Quin what held his attenion...
He told me all futures he sees before us with many different paths possible in our life together. Some futures he desires and others he fears.
The first path, that he loves to mention, involves a little house on Lake Rillon. Fishing consumes the day while we lay in each other's arms all night. His skills as a soldier are not needed as all the wars finally end. With Blood and the other evils that plague the world vanquished, he spends his days farming, fishing and loving me.
The next future ends at the last battle. He sees us dying together, both mortally wounded, yet clinging together for support. He continues to swing his sword to protect me as I try to summon yet one more creature to fight the rush of the enemy. We both fight valliantly, but in the end we perish, together.
Another possibility leaves me in anguish as he dies before me. If he did perish, I know the pain would crush me... He sees me returning to my reclusive ways, wandering in the deep unknowns with only my familiar as company, shunning life in favor of solutude to prevent any more pain...
Lastly, if I die before him, he becomes distraught and cannot function the real world anymore. The dispair finally tears him apart and drives him mad... Even though he knows the futility of trying to raise me, he spends his whole life attempting to reclaim the love he lost and eventually dies trying...
I know the truth in his words, each ending possible in our struggle to live our lives together. I pray to my goddess that we both live a long life in each others arms, where
ever that may be...
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Something is not right. Well, more not right than usual. I am left with a sense of forboding after I talk to Quin. An encounter will happen. The drow were sending assasins last night. Many will die... I hope Quin is able to get the people prepared...
I have been trying to hide more than usual lately, not traveling to Hlint so much, being invisible more than usual. I hope that I will be hard to find... Quin wanted me to go to Dregar and wander alone but I couldn't leave him. I cried and he yelled a bit but he could not make me leave. I told him I would stay forever.
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*the entry apprears to be written in slighty jerkier handwriting, as if the writer is rather stiff*
The assasin came last night, presumably the same one that marked my friends. The calous enemy invaded the house, our home. We lay in the bedroom, paying attention to one another when suddenly I awoke with a start, in great pain and disoriented. Quin was yelling at someone, screaming that they would know the depths of hell if I died. I was confused, then I saw a glimpse of a man, the assasin. All I could see was drow. Quin stopped yelling as I stirred and began to look over me to see how badly I was injured.
I was now in shock, to numb to notice the arrows sticking out of my side and back. The assasin mentioned the mark of the spider and fear struck me. I touched the back of my neck and felt a raising of my skin and a pain as if I were branded like cattle. I had been 'marked.' Now Quin cannot fight against the drow without killing me with whatever latent poision the tatto contains. The total number of marked grows, with me the latest victim. If the assasin entered our home unseen, the drow will find anyone, anywhere... This drow left us after commenting about the irony of killing me at the lips of my lover, when now Quin's actions could easily kill me. We are connected in a sinsiter way now, along with the love that binds us.
When finally alone, Quin tended to my wounds. Usually I stay out of battle, staying invisible and letting my summons fight for me. I am not accustomed to the pain of arrows, let alone ones with a possibility of mortally wounding me. Before he started extracting the arrows, Quin had me drink some ale that I made earlier in the week. I never knew the spirit was so strong. The drink took the edge off of the pain, allowing me to stay still while he worked to remove the arrows and stop the flow of blood. The first arrow he pushed through my flesh until the tip broke through the skin on the other side. He broke off the arrowhead and pulled the shaft out the way it came in. The next arrow was embedded worse than the first. I had only heard the words he used on the docks from the mouths sailors. The arrow burried itself in my flesh, but not far enough to be able to push it all the way through my body without hurting me more. He had to pull the arrow out the way it entered. My flesh tore and he needed to sew up that wound... I remember biting on a piece of leather, screaming at times, trying to make the room stop spinning from the drink the rest of the time. I woke up and my wounds were cauterized, but I don't remember the flesh being burnt. My beloved bandaged my wounds and kept me awake while I stabilized.
I ate a bit of bread and drank from his canteen. He washed my blood from himself in the pool, then drained the whole tub and filled it with clean water. Quin washed me gently, trying not to disturb the newly sewn wounds. I hurt too much for modesty, too exhausted and full of pain even to blush. I remember we lay talking until he decided I could sleep. I told him I loved him and he returned the emotion in kind. I then feel into a deep, dreamless sleep only to wake up to the nightmare again.
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Today began innocently enough... I woke up and decided to go to Hlint to buy a bucket for making scrolls. Quin was still asleep, so I traveled alone. On the road to Hlint the woods seememd oddly silent, as if foreshadowing events to come. After I arrived, I stood by a group of travelers, listening to their conversation while I was still invisible. I saw a shadow. The other travelers saw it, too. I started to speak to alert them of my prescence so they wouldn't think I was the enemy...
I summoned my archon to protect me, to signal any dangers I might miss. The next thing I know, the archon is rock hard and frozen in place with a couple of arrows, I assume poisioned, sticking out of him... I looked around to see where the attack was from and a drow appeared before me. He was completely covered, but I knew instantly he was drow. I was still invisible at the time. He called me the queen of the darkness, his queen of the shadows. My last name he cited as proof of my power. He said that he was mine to command... I just wanted him to go away, but I did not want to admit that I had any power over him, lest he think I believed his words. Connor walked up and kept looking at me, telling me to command him away, but I did not want to have any power over this drow. I postponed it as long as I could, then sent him off...
I talked to Connor and Lue in the Inn after that. Mara joined us and eventually Nethro, weak and upset, having recently been marked. Connor told me many things I did not know about the drow, the poision, Navaree... things I wish I did not need to know. I will write of them later...
Even though I wished I did not have to, I told Quin. He was not happy. I think the only way he will be sasitisfied is with the blood of many drow on his hands...
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The house is Ara Duis... The one my assasin came from. Not mine, I suppose, but the one that called me his queen. I will not let myself be taken. I will be strong... Even if I have to watch him die, I will not allow evil to be channeled through my body at the loss of my soul. I resolve not to be the one chosen. Although if it is my fate, how can I escape it?
*the following seems to be scribbled hurriedly and marked through in many places, obviously not a finished draft*
Faithful beloved why do you cry
as I stand here with a tear in my eye
I know that you fear our love may end
as war rages and loyalties bend
I will stay by you whatever cost
for without you my soul is lost
the battle will come, many will die
like death so often seen in my eye
painful goodbyes must ofen be said
before lovers end up dead
by blade or arrow or just plain hand
many will die taking a stand
*there appears to be more, but it is too marred to read*
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We were "visited" again inside the house. This time an albino drow appeared in the house along with my assasin. The assasin came in first, mentioning that he knew I wished not to be bothered, but that another drow needed to enter also. Then the white one appeared. He had the red eyes and white hair of a drow, but his skin was the color of porcelin. He looked mad, possessed with demons like the ones I had seen before in the eyes of the condemned. He looked throughout the house to see if ...something... was in order. I do not know what he sought, but he commanded us not to speak. I think he would have killed us if we had. Naga was there... she wanted to attack. Quin and I begged her not to. She would have been killed very quickly, for even the three of us could not have triumphed over the assasin and whatever it was that walked the house.
I remember the assasin seemd to almost apologize for the inturruption, but I knew he had no choice but to show himself that time. I do not like to have someone watching over me, unseen... I wonder if he is really there, or if the drow just want me to think that I am watched?
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I had an interesting and confusing encounter this afternoon. The meeting gave me a deep feeling of forboding and uneasiness...
Yesterday, I saw two of the drow assasins. One was in Krandor, sitting with Kat, and the other I could feel around Hlint. I never saw that one, but I knew he was there. The one with Kat seemed... friendlier than I would think a drow would be.
I was on Dregar, wandering around in deadman's pass, trying to climb the rocks. I fell twice and then saw the twin green swords of my assasin. Another drow appeared and they spoke to each other breifly. The other told him to leave and not come close until he and I were done speaking.
This new drow was injured, bleeding underneath his armor with a bit of ragged breath underneath his helm. He told me that he had seen me the day before in Hlint. His name was Veldrin, Laliath's watcher.
We talked about many things that I would not expect to with a race known for a lack of emotional ties. We talked about the cermony and my fears that the diadem might choose me. He knew of my past. He knew why I feared this. But my life is different now. I cannot live in the past, only look towards the future. I am a good and kind person. I love, I care, I am compassionate towards others. I am not a creature of the dark. *an inkblot stains the page at this point*
He told me of his loyalties and I believe him. I think he may trust me a bit now after our legnthy talk, too. I gave him a bit of bread, which he took. I would have healed him if I could have, but I am no healer. Then my assasin returned, Taili I learned, and Veldrin left. I told Taili that I wished for him to speak to me instead of always staying in the shadows. He was uncomfortable, I think, but he listened to what I said. I told him that I wished sleep and he said that he would watch over me as he always did. It was odd to hear that he was always watching me, even though I already knew he did...
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Quin proposed to me tonight...
We talked about marriage before, but now we will be wed. The ring he gave me is beautiful... I stare into the clear stone and see countless spots of light reflected in the facets. We will be together forever and the ring is a symbol of this... I find myself looking into it often wondering what the future may bring.
Now we need to plan the wedding. Perhaps we will buy a house first, on Dregar. I must admit that I am still a little anxious at the idea of the ceremony, though. People will attend the gathering to celebrate the union. Who to invite? And then where to have it? Would it need to be an agent or priest of one of our gods? Would it be best to have it under my goddess of love, or would Toran be too protective to allow this? Decisions of this nature are not urgent. I will attempt not to worry myself too much...
And then lies the fear of the unknown. I try not to allow myself to think of the nightmare that may come to pass. I fear the diadem will try to take me away from Quin. I do not want to be, will not be consumed by the darkness. I will be with Quin and live my life the way that I see fit, not as a helpless vessel for an evil queen... *written as if the writer carried a lot of emotion in the previous statements*
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I saw Veldrin again today. I was making bread and he appeared in the kitchen of the inn. He was not injured this time. We spoke a bit of Quin's and my engagement, I showed him my ring, and then a bit of his affairs. I dare not say them all... Walls have ears and eyes, maybe... if Taili is around all of the time, how do I know that he is not reading my journal. Although, I do not know if he can read common...
Veldrin said to speak to Connor... He woud tell Connor to talk to Quin and I and tell us anything we needed to know. The last time Connor and I spoke it was with veiled comments, each not wanting to reveal too much information to the other. Hopefully our next chat will be more productive.
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I talked to Taili a couple days ago. I returned to the house from somewhere, I don't remember, and saw him in the street. I always know him by his twin green swords, and that he looks like a drow.
I had wanted to speak to him to find out about the whole situation, if he was just a pawn like the rest of us, or if he knew something of value.
He did not know of my past or of what would occur. I guess Veldrin had not told him anything, so I told him a little about my past, not much, just a dream that I had. It involved little ones, not newborns, but babes none the less... he said what they all do. About how it was my duty... and what I did was right...
Quin tells me something will happen soon with the drow... I am afraid *writing trails off*
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*The page of this entry and the back of the previous are wrinkled and marred, as if tear after tear has been shed on the pages*
I woke up screaming. I had a nightmare. Worse than usual. Shadowy figures and half words were all I understood but I was stricken with fear. Incomprehensible, all consuming, total. I looked besides me to find my beloved, but he had left for the day. I did not find this odd at the moment and wrapped my arms around my great cat who had come running in at the noise.
All throughout the day I could not shake the feeling that something, somewhere was wrong. An ominous cloud hung over my being but I thought it was just another mood. I tried to ignore it. Out of all that I talked to, though, none had seen Quin. Surely he was just hunting, or doing busines, perhaps chopping oak for sandpaper again.
I wandered around and found myself at Blackford castle. Ozy was sitting by the waterfall and greeted me as I walked up. "Sit down for a moment," he said. I assumed that he meant to enjoy the day and perhaps talk as we had at the falls before. He asked me if anyone had told me. I was immediately on guard. Something was wrong. "What?" I replied instantly. Told me what? What did I need to know? The next words changed my life forever.
Whe Ozy spoke he used words of eleoquence to try to ease my pain, but the meaning... "He is dead. Killed by a succubi. His soul was torn from his body, never to return. The last words he spoke were for you."
I cried. Cry is not the word, really, though. The spasms of pain shook my body as my eyes flowed the sadness of my soul. I could barely breathe. I would relax and then begin again, crushed, unbelieving, yet knowing that Ozy would not lie to me, not about that. I said a short goodbye and ran home. I needed to be alone, to the place where I felt safe, but it did not house him now. The worst was then to come.
I cried myself to sleep on the couch. Li paced in front of me, worried, wondering what made me so anxious, so sad. He could smell the pain on me, escaping through my pores. Usually I do not dream. If I do it is of my past and the foul deeds that I did out of duty. At other times I hear the voice of my goddess coming forth. This was different. I felt a male prescence, I saw the ground under me, Quin and a beautiful woman, or so she seemed. I saw them speak, then fight. He fought valiantly but in the end he lost. The claws reached through his chest and pulled at his heart. I heard the last words from his lips and a breif feeling of protection. I touched the ank on my neck. I knew then who brought the dream. The harvester of souls then arrived, others found the body, tried to revive him, enterred him by the temple of Toran he loved.
Then I blinked and the body was there again. I went to him, touched his face, kissed him one last time on the forehead. I stood alone and visions returned. I knew what I once did. I remembered again. The rituial of the god alien to this world, from my past, of life and death, suffering and alleviation, pity and mercy. I knew what to do. I gathered wood for what seemed like days, but I was finished in a moment. I made a pyre to send his body to the heavens where perhaps his soul would follow. Surely the other cities must have thought that the world was on fire because of the blaze. Then again, this was still my dream, I think...
I remembered the prayer of the dead. The benediction to guide the soul. At least in the past world. Perhaps it will work in this one. I hope to see him again. No, I know I will, after my last breath is done, and my soul is harvested, then we will be together, truly for forever this time.
In that breif moment of clarity, I wrote down the benediction I remembered...
Benediction of the Pyre
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As I lay this body before the fire
Know in life that I cared for you
I loved as best I could and when the time came
The only gift I could offer was given: death
Follow your mortal body and wait for me
Someday, I will be layed before the fire
We will be reunited, perfect in body, mind and soul
All that have been loved, and given to the flames
-
*found by a set of neatly folded clothes and a nervously pacing panther*
My heart still sinks to the lower depths of my chest every time I think about him. I know that we will never be together again in this mortal world but still my soul cries out to be close to his, wherever that may be.
But maybe my life is turning around. I recieved a note by bird from Ozymandias, requesting my prescence at his house... I remember all of the times that we sat and talked, looking over some body of water, whispering long into the night. Perhaps I could heal there, in the company of an old friend? I will set out for his house this morning and see if I can find him at home. I remember the way, through the woods, where the the grows, the pass where I fell so many times before learning the right way to cross, where not to cross the malars, with their vision that see through the spells I wrap around myself.
*appears to be written as a different time*
He wasn't home. Oh, well, I am sure he will be back sometime. I suppose I could have used my key, but I hate going into other's homes if they aren't there... There was a path that I had never seen before and I decided to explore a bit. It lead to a beautiful bay filled with rocks carved out by the ocean. Stones litter the ground and the sand near the water calls for me. Rumors of large fish had been circulating at the inn, but the waters seem clear here. In this isolated, beautiful space I think I will go for a swim.
-
I woke up stiff and confused. Where am I?
The last thing I remember was, well, now that I think of it... What has happened to me? Nothing looks familiar anymore. I spent days in the wilderness wandering, looking for some place that I remembered.
The first people I encountered, I talked to much. I was so overjoyed to see someone, anyone.
I have a nagging sensation that I lost something, though. When I sit alone, petting my cat, I feel an emptiness in my chest. It seems like a small piece of hope was ripped from it, leaving a hole in my heat that will never heal. What have I lost?
I suppose I will have to find myself again, who I was, and who I now am.
Until then, I am just lost.