The World of Layonara
Character Development => Development Journals and Discussion => Topic started by: Zelda1 on February 14, 2006, 07:04:00 AM
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Bah! I can't hold all of this stuff in forever...nor can I tell anyone. So here I am writing in this little book of mine. Where should I start?
...I'll start with Glenn Thendor. He is one of the nicest people I've ever met. He pushes me into doing things I'm scared of though. Like when he left me in the middle of Fen Caves..that was pretty scary,but I made it out alive as he left me. The most horrific thing he has ever done to me is take me to a Vakhar meeting. I have yet to become a good speaker in front of those who are a lot more powerful than I (and I'm not very powerful). I loved sitting in the back of the room listening, but when I had to speak I had NO idea what to say. It almost felt like they were ganging up on me. I would be love to be in the Vakhar...but I'm not so sure they would accept me...Glenn says I can do great things, and that I will be more powerful than he is soon even though I don't know it. I'm not so sure..but he is..
*it seems here that a few things have been erased*
Well I will have to write some more later...here comes Pyyran with treants chasing him..again..better go save him..
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I'll be in the trees for a few days here in the High Forest..I really need a break...Now I will put a few things about myself in here.....
I always look into your eyes when I meet you even if you don't know it...to see if I can trust you..but their is someone that I can't look into his eyes...which draws me to him...but...love is something I keep inside and I don't even dare to write down.
More later...I need some rest
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*hums as she writes*
I have found myself humming when I'm happy. I love being in the forest...makes me feel content.
The topic of this beautiful day seems to be Folian S'pae.I have been studying him for quite some time. He seems to be the most admirable...at least he seems to fit me."Be one with the forests and live in harmony with nature’s creatures. Take no more than you need and give as much as you can in return." Aye...seems like it would fit all right.
Love is in the air today for some reason...maybe it's spring coming closer or Rhazzka getting brighter...who knows what the next few days will be like...
I need to go for another swim before I leave...More tomarrow
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I fell asleep today and had an odd dream...long story short.. the curse has been lifted. One problem though...I still like someone.Even though only one or two people know what the curse was...
I'm still tired and I need some more sleep..
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I feel as free as a bird today.Something is not right with Abi.I miss the old Abi...the Abi that I played truth or dare with a few days ago.She isn't what most people think she is.. Today is going to be a very busy day...
More later...much to do
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Well...today has been pretty fun. I had a nice long chat with Ozy...he licked me five more times as I can remember. He is truly unique. I killed a few gobos...not anything exciting really. I'm really really tired though..maybe the after effects of Ozy drool. *laughs* I need to talk to Zweck soon..I didn't get to talk to Abi today...
*yawns* Good night little book
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Love shomove...is it possible to hate the person you love? It is for me...I finally got to talk to Zweck today. He looks cute with wolf tail and fuzzy ears. Raze is in love with me...I'm in love with..um..someone...I do like Raze though...he's nice.
I think I like him because I can't have him..he isn't married or anythin' but he seems to be one of the few people that don't flirt with me. I never get to see him. He hits on women constanly...you catch my drift? Yeah..not exactly an angel...
I'm spending the night in the High Forest..I don't think I can make it back to Hlint..*yawns* Good night little book
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Glenn got me those two topaz rings today and a pair of boots. Glenn is too nice sometimes...
Well I've finally decided... I'm not going to be with Raze or umm..errr...the "someone"...even though I'll have a heart ache for a while...I don't really know how to break it to Raze. Ah yes..forgot about that sea elf. She likes him...he likes her...she told us to go drown though...but I'll just have to talk to her...That would make everyone happy if I could get her to rub off on Raze.
Places to go, things to see..write more later
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Well...Miss Vetalla is nicer than I thought. And Alas...she has no interest in Raze *sighs*. I went to Fen Caves today with Glenn..he didn't leave me to die...but I already passed that test. I dred what is next. Who knows what is next... Not much happened today..Raze was killed by the flagbearers...again..this time in Hlint.
My light is going out..night little book
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Welp...how do I put this? For the past few days my life has been...yadda yadda yadda. Except for Freldo of course. He's scraed I'm going to send bears to come and get him...haha. Too bad he doesn't know I'm too nice to do that, but it is funny... I mjean really, who would ever want to eat him anyway?? It's been fun being half way evil almost. Oh well..I suppose it's ll over now.
I'm losing my mind.
I need to kill something...a person. Maybe I can kill Zweck...he wouldn't mind...hehe...but he's focused on gettin' a girl to be with him......I REALLY need to kill something. Must be my mind on overload or something. Who knows?...Anyway..I hope something exciting happens soon; I'm getting bored. Nighty-night book *puts her fire out*
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Well, today has been a..good-ish bad day. I died three times..Once I was a ghost...
Today I got really depressed..so I made an all black outfit. Kind of scary..with my hood on I look like Chanda almost. I took a trip to Arabel with Zweck today...Corath is a very odd god I must say..a little creepy.
I ran into Ty and we had a drink with Zweck. Then Zweck got tired so we took him home. Their room is just wow..wow is the only word to discribe it...just wow.
I met with a bunch of others in Pranzis, with the help of Ayla of course. I can't really explain it or I would be writing all day. It was a bit confusing all that went on.
I ran into someone today. That's why today is good. Ty figured out who it is. And Ty and I are headed to the arena if the Weave doesn't burp again.
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Well...yesterday I went to Vale with Glenn. Aralin went a little..er..crazy on Renji. Renji worships Branderback..I can smell it. Everytime I go through Forest of the Mists I realize why I'm a ranger..for some reason I feel a stronger connection to nature there. Anyway...today.
Went to the desert on Dregar. Fought giants..not alone of course. Druids are very nice. I havea strong feeling that I will be te topic of someone's conversation. I really do need to learn how to talk more. I need to spend more time in Vale..I'd like to explore Dregar anyway. Not much time...I'm in Pranzis right now.
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Well....today was a drag...I spent most of my time in the crypts and crafting. Although, I did see Ty. And met a ranger who follows Folian. He's not very experienced..but still.
I made a poem...not very good..but I like it. I don't think I'll put it ib here though. Not right now, when it's finished.
Nighty-night
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Well...so much to put down in here...I will start from the top.
I am the happiest person that ever lived...and I mean THE happiest. I feel like jumping in the air and screaming my lungs out...too bad I'm not a bard. They seem to do that sort of thing. Oh yes, that reminds me. There is a bard that loves me. Freldo. I hear he bought me a necklace. But none of this seems as important as yesterday.
I ran into Glenn and we took our second trip atempting to go to Folian's temple. Well...we didn't get past Pranzis again, but that is one of the reasons I am so happy but I can't say why. Kloss was there, I got to teleport from his house back to Hlint.
I met with Glenn and the nameless druid in Krandor later. Third time's a charm. It was a very confusing trip, but everything along it was so beautiful. Many vines connected it. The nice nameless druid made Glenn and me promise not to show anyone...so I won't even put the way in here. Anyway, the closer we got the stronger the connection to Folian. I feel different now like I have found something lost long ago. His only temple is well hidden and protected. There is one word for it: amazing, but even amazing doesn't seem to fit it. When I first sa it, my heart must have skipped a beat... It rains there all the time, but it isn't just rain to me..it's softer..sweeter. You hear the wolves howl and you don't get frightened. It's like a greeting. If there will ever be a god that I could believe in or put my faith in.. it would be the Prince of Wolves, the Longstrider...Folian S'pae.
I found out a few things about why they had to make the path. Goes to show some people aren't what you see. Aparently, Brisbane is the "Queen" of the evil little minions as I call them..candle is going out..Long story short, Brisbane has a deep hate for Luna. I have no clue as to why, but I have a few guesses. So, she blocked he path with them so Folian's followers couldn't get to the temple.
Need to go...my candle is going out and something bad is about to happen..
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I miss my best friend...I haven't seen him in a while. I wonder where he is...
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It's been ages since I wrote in here last. Much has happened...most good but there is always the bad. I have learned a lot about nature and the balance..I really can't quite remember much. Half because I'm so tired. So I'll just write about today and put in more later...
I went to Folian's temple to meet with Aralin. He answered my questions and I was happy with all the answers. He says that Folian is the Wood, the plants, and even the animals. I asked him if he thought I could become a follower and he said that if I protect and preserve the balance and nature the I already am one. The balance and nature are all that I am. And I'm hoping..praying that I'll get into the Vakhar. You can do a lot more to protect nature and the balance in a group than alone. I always try to protect nature and everything within. As I always say "take very little and give back as much as you can".. I guess that applies to nature and the balance as well.
Well...my candle is going out and I'm so tired...bed for me...
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I'm in the forest more than ever now mostly on Dregar. It's amazing how much you can learn by just watching what all goes on in the forest. Well, that and talking to Kara. She likes the company and I like to spend time at Folian's temple. So, therefore, we have become very good friends. Faith is very important in these hard times and I think I've found mine. No, not think..I know I have.
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Have you ever wondered why you love who you do?
Take Renji and Tegan for example. A shadowdancer...and a beautiful mage. Complete opposites. Let's see..hmm.. Glenn and Silool.. A Xeenie priestess *and* bard...and a Folianite ranger.. that's just about crazy iffn' ya ask me...and... Kyle and Ferrit...fighter of Ilsare and rogue of no one. Still, I guess that old saying is right. Opposites do attract.. No wonder no one thinks I'm crazy...
I got a new bow yesterday...it holds great power.. It was the first oak longbow Glenn ever made, Rodlin made it into a compound, and Enzo put a mighty on it... I feel special...so we made today my official birthday..I've never been happier... having someone to be proud of me is an amazing feeling...
I haven't had the time to write that much lately...I'm always busy now a days..speaking of not getting to write I need to run..
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My life just get worse and worse even when it seems to get better it is really getting worse. Such an Optimist aren't I?
Truly...the past couple days have been so horrible I want to crawl in a hole and never come out. I feel like I'm in the treshold already but I still have another 150 years to go...if I live that long...
I ache all over...half from depression, half from exhaustion.. so it's off to bed for me...maybe my dreams will lift my spirits, as crazy as they are and even though they will never come to life.. everyone is allowed to dream though...
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If it wasn't for my friends I don't know what I'd do... I need to get my priorities in order and stop worrying about silly stuff. If I spent more time doing something than thinkin' maybe I'd get somewhere...but reality always gets in the way.
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*a short note*
ignorance is bliss... keep thinking that and don't blow up...but then again.. See no evil. Hear no evil. Speak no evil. Have no fun. oh and I need to buy a bucket...
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*little bits and pieces have been erased*
That's it. I'm going away. Today, me being my stupid self, relized that Rhynn wasn't a virgin.. well she wasn't a virgin before. Just hard to explain. Rhynn got upset... so I'm prolly on the top of her "to kill" list. Then I had to get salt...ran into her a Frills... how lucky am I? So after a nice conversation with the turquoise bard, I went back to Hlint. And there was Ireth with her newest man. She's getting married apparently. I'm happy for her. Not going to lie about that.. I sat next to Rhynn and Frills on the benches. So Rhynn, automatically moved.. I wanted to tell her sorry... but she ran away. So then I had to find her...and eventually saw her by the pond with Frills. I gave up for the day and sat next to Ty on the bench. Then, sure enough, I heard Ireth say "Do you want me to explain to her in small words to leave you alone?" I just about screamed.. but instead I asked Ireth why she hates me. I've been wondering for quite some time. She said it was because my respect for nature was laughable. That was it. .. just looking at the sky and watering the flowers. I think I'll be here for quite some time after Ireth's words and Rhynn's hatred finally kick in. *tears blot the page and smear some of the words*
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*scribbles of dark skies line the paper* *in scribbles*
The sky that i once looked to for answers has grown dark... I don't know why everything is happening at once..
I miss him constantly.. but why? I grow weary of love and all of its nonsense... Just to think he could be having the same dark thoughts rips me apart..
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The day grows as dim as the nights once were.. fear for shadows is ever growing..
but that's why ale is so popular and the Freelancers were swamped... Quill owes me for bringing the circus there.. he seemed a bit overwhelmed so, I took over for most of the night. Being a bartender is fun..but hard.. I think I'm pretty good at it though.. *shrugs and climbs up her tree*
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Death is in the air.. I fear.. for all.. for Glenn.. for Anna.. for Addi ... for everyone that walks these lands.. The Soul Mother takes no pitty on those who beg, or pray, or love. What is there to be done? We can walk this world over a million times and never find the answer.. I feel the war in my head.. ever raging.. I hear the cries of those who have lost their loved ones.. play time is over.. war is at our doorstep, but our heroes fall everyday.. the dreams are gone, replaced by nightmares.. I fear resting, for the nightmares are getting worse..
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I will be nice to paladins. I will be nice to paladins. I will be nice to paladins. I will be nice to paladins. I will be nice to paladins. I will be nice to paladins. I will be nice to paladins. I will be nice to paladins. I will be nice to paladins. I will not wear a hood. I will not wear a hood. I will not wear a hood. I will not wear a hood. I will not wear a hood. I will not wear a hood. I will not wear a hood. I will not wear a hood. I will not wear a hood. ... "there. I did it!" *Ash gets up from the fireplace and walks over to Tyrians bed to show her the progress she has made.* "gah.. asleep already Ty?" *silence* .. love..marriage.. children.. depressing words indeed..
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I hope the year ends soon. This must have a been Ilsare's year, with everyone getting married and having children. But here I am, alone up in a tree. No husband. No children. No one to hug or kiss whenever I feel like. Is this the true life of a ranger? being alone with no one that cares for you in a loving sort? well, rangers do have each other... too bad I'm in love, but then again I think I always have been, just haven't realized it till now. I know another heart broken elf running around Hlint is never good, but maybe one day he'll come back if the soul mother is defeated once more... even though he isn't gone yet, but I constantly worry.
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*Ash sits in a tree in the forest still giggling from the day that had just past.*
"I'm crazy... and why did I say that?" *she looks down to the boar questioningly. The boar oinks and nibbles on some giant meat* "they're right.. I HAVE changed.. Is it a good change though? I hope.. I talk more.. more stand off-ish I guess.. maybe I should try not wearing a hood.. and not roaring like dragons.." *she shrugs and pulls her hood over her eyes* "someday.. eventually.."
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I am either crazy.. or very confident. I think crazy suits me better. Today has been a blast..one of the best days ever! I finally, after years of sitting and it bottling inside me, told him.. it took all the guts in me though.. I bit my tounge a lot.. but it finally popped out.. I'm not sure how others will take it.. I know the dwarves might be a little hurt.... or they might go after him.. which I doubt..sorta. I just hope he really feels the same way. *she smiles to herself and climbs up her tree*
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*Ash climbs up her old tree in Wolfswood and starts talking to herself as usual*
"life is hard but full of new experiences and much love and thinking.. I wonder how Exo will take all this.. Oh gods.. I hope no one gets hurt.. heh.. And Glenn.. it'll be weird.." *she smiles and sighs* "Now I remember why I haven't been with anyone fer years..but at least he isn't all mushy gushy.."
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*Ash walks into the Forest of Mists looking for the boar she saw a few days ago. She quickly spots him still eating a giant's leg and climbs up the tree beside him*
"h..hhh..he..kissed me.. Boar.. I think I'm still dreaming.. but.. I swear he.. but that.. he couldn't.. oh gah forget it I can't talk.. so how have you been the past few days little boar?" *she smiles.. obviously still in awe and listens to the boar blabber on about how many adventures never say hello to him*
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*Ash sits in Folian's grove, where she feels most content*
"I need to think of what's most important. Well that's really easy..what else have I been dreaming of for ages? but.. who is most important?... that's even easier.. my friends...*she looks around a bit, realizing who she truly cared about the most* "if it wasn't for him.. I prolly wouldn't have a faith... or a goal.. or a dream.. but he replaced me already.. like I am gone.." *she lies back and looks up through the trees into the sky* "he better leave me a really good pie in his will is all I can say"
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*Ash walks through Rilara, pat Dinen and into the Belgaer Hills. She spots one of Blood's dwarven merc and quickly falls into the shadows* "someone's been where they're not s'pose to be" she mumers to herself.. *she keeps walking, not sure exactly where she's headed.. and ends up beside the Delwin River when she sees a skeleton staring at her from the other side. She draws her blades and demolishes it* "ok... I smell a fish.. and it isn't in the river" *she progresses toward Bone Hill, still muttering a bit. Another skeleton appears there, a little to the left of the enterance. She does the same* "ok.. this isn't funny anymore.. this cant be a good sign" *she slowly walks straight into Bone Hill absentmindedly. The demonflesh golem smells her coming and charges straight at her. She is mortafied but has enough sence to run. She quickly approaches the Delwin River and lets out a long sigh* "well..I guess now I know why people don't wander into Bone Hill.. even when they're off in their own little world.. but this is getting weird.. the guard, AND two skellies.. Maybe I'm having a nightmare.. I should go back to bed." *she sighs deeply and heads for the nearest tree, mumbling the entire way* "why... do I miss him so much?"
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I dunno how.. but he will pay. And I'll stand by his grave and laugh. I have gained respect for someone once hated today.. and lost all respect for someone once loved. I spent a while talking with my friends at Axo's.. It was just what I needed to light the beacon once more.
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* Ash sits in a tree, over looking Lake Rillion. She tries to ignore Kiva and Rhynn, as sickening to her as it is. She climbs down slowly and makes her way past them to Wolfswood. She sits a corner of the forest trying to gather her thoughts* 'War. Death. Betrayal. I set out to help Dregar, so I could protect Folian's temple and all of the friends and memories I have there. The succubus ruined it all.. it came right at me.And the thought of seeing around twenty people along the road in Pranzis makes me sick. Jareg.. Tegan.. both lying there. I didn't get there in time.' *she looks into the dark sky and sighs* 'What do I have left that she can ruin? She's like my sister..almost my twin. But she's really starting to piss me off, even if I do love her. Oh well, there are more important things to worry about. I am Ash. Hear me roar.' *She slowly drifts off into a meditation of sorts* 'howl.. not roar.. howl..'
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*Ash stumbles into North Hlint, trying to keep her sanity, their words still ringing in her head.
"You are my hero Ash Willo.." It was so unsettling.. eerie to see Glenn like that. She could imagine herself doing that, but never EVER Glenn. She walks around four feet and colapses in tears. She finally stumbles up after quite some time of just laying there, crying. She walks behind the tower and prays feverishly.
"Longstrider, keep him safe. I don't know what I would do without him. I'm counting on you Prince of Wolves.. take care of my Glenn. Let him heal on your cliffs.. keep him sane. Don't let him lose hope as I once did.."
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*Ash mumbles to herself in the kitchen in Krandor.
"Nepp, Nepp, Neppy, Glenn, Glenn, Glenny, Glenn. insanity, depression... hope, love, faith.. Why the hells am I talking to myself?"
She grumbles and goes on digging in a chest.
"Love.. hope.. faith.. pride.. and there I go again.." *she finally finds a piece of blueberry pie and enhales it.* "Pie.. just think pie.."
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He is gone. She took my Glenn. I will find her. But first I will make Glenn proud.
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I hope he is watching my ever move like he used to. It would make him so proud to see me. I feel my connection to nature once again.. I can summon an ancient dire bear.. something Glenn would love to have done I bet. And I can shapeshift... maybe with his passing came my wisdom, but oh how I wish he could have lived for just another week! I still can't say his name without tears coming to my eyes. I got him a diamond.. polished and fine. I can't wait to see him again! I'll bring it with me and make him so proud.. how I miss hugging him.. I should've done it more often.
He's looking at me. I know he is. He's in the shadows right behind me.
*She smiles a bit and wipes tears from her eyes*
I'll be with you soon.
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*Ash sits atop a cliff, the wind rushing thru her hair and drying her tears*
She must take me soon.. I have a debt to repay. My Glenn ripped away.. soon to be another I love. Maybe I'm meant to be alone, to not feel the great pain of those I love being taken from me. I know I've changed a great bit since the dragon called me. Looking back at my diary I miss the old me. Fun, carefree.. but I was lost, without a faith. That's when I met Glenn.
We live life for a purpose, no matter how life treats us we must fullfill that purpose. When you fullfill that purpose, there is no point in you being around.. is there?
*She sighs heavily and tosses her old journal into the forest below* ''It's a new day," she says as she watches the sun rise.
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Ash opens a new leather book and puts on the cover "It's a new day." She whispers to herself, "May Folian guide my quill" She closes her eyes a few seconds and takes a deep breath. She scribbles on the first page, "Hope, Faith, Love, Honor.. what do these words exactly mean?"
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I'm doubling my efforts for Roldem.. I went to a meeting today and I was suprised that not many showed up. Miss Jennara,Lady Brisbane, Miss Lin'da, Nepp, Kyle, Ferrit, Daniel (whom made a fool of himself. He called Miss Jen, "Master Jennara"), Caighd, and some youngin named Jaleel or whatever.. The survivors need training, teaching, sheltered, fed and much more.
After much talking, Miss Jen gave some bread to the survivors in Tibum. There was a little boy there in rags. He look up at me and I smiled back. He had the most beautiful green eyes I've ever seen.. I wanted to hug him so badly.. but I didn't want to make a fool of myself. I've never spent much time around children, but I've always wanted to.. I went back after we travelled to Rodez with Miss Jennara. He was still there, rags and all. I gave him a blanket and some roast and wished him well.. I hope he's alright, I might go check on him soon. Folian and Glenn's spirit watch over him..
I know I'm crazy.. but maybe one day I would like to have a child to call my own.. ehh.. in an afterlife er somethin'. Or not, you never know these days..
**She looks out into the distance across the mountains and smiles a bit*
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Another day, another unpleasant visit. She won't take me so soon, I'll just be more careful.. if that's even possible without living life on the sidelines. I would never bring myself to do that., life wouldn't be worth living if I did. When my time comes I'll accept it.. no questions asked. Maybe I'm just not good enough to live, but I'll do as much as I can to give back whatever I have taken that measures up to a eight strands of my soul.
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Curiousity. Desire. Lust. Nepp.
Sho.. He.. I w-w...l- Gah. I can't say it. Or write it. I can't think about it either.
On another note, I found a horse I like.. one that doesn't scare me. She has a calming effect on me.. it's truly odd. I would so love to have her. Maybe I'll learn how to ride a horse soon..
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I have my horse.. I named her Iretya, Elven for Hope. With my horse, I saw the Soul Mother for the last time before she takes me. I cant go yet.. I still have so much to do.
I got the ugre to walk last night. So I told Iretya to stay beside Axo's house..because I had no clue where I was going. Nepp followed though.. but I didn't mind too much. I jumped into the portal and headed straight for Arabel for some reason. When I got there, Iretya showed up not ten seconds later. I think my horse is plane touched.. but she IS a stubborn mare. I reluctantly tied her up in the grass and started my walk with Nepp.
I ended up at High Lake, the lake I was inspired by..before the war. I curled up in the grass and talked with Nepp for the longest time, which brings me to my question: What do I want in life? but that question can be answered later I suppose. Eventually I ended up sitting in the water overlooking the waterfalls. Then my promise hit me like a brick wall... Har. I dont break promises. I never have, never will. So... yea. I wont write a word about it.
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I'm still alive. Obviously. And I've slowed down my life enormously. Soon I'll be fat if I keep sitting on my arse all day, though it is good baking practice., which, it turn, will make me even more fat in the long run. Oh, my new goal in life is to make a bow for Wren. Glenn never got the chance to make him one. And wood has always hated me so I haven't had much work with it. I will make him a bow if its the last thing I do.
On another note, I was confronted with my past this morning. My sister.. the only blood relative I have left.. is in Hlint. I know its her. She introduced herself as Dust to a woman named Corba. I know no other elves named Dust, especially ones that look like me...
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Day kazillion of not being six feet under. I'm bored as hells. I cant do ANYTHING.. and its driving me completely mad. I've talked to my sister, helped her along. She scares me. I wonder if I can get her to put color into her wardrobe, but I doubt it. She has a hard head just like I do. Note to self: Must beat up Wren.
Well, I'm going to be a mother. And Nepp.. I'm not sure how he's taking it. He seems happy enough, but I dont know if I am. I need to talk to Anna, she's been the closest thing to a mother to me and I love her to pieces, she always seems to know what to say.
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Ash sighs heavily as she walks across Xantril, finally heading home after months. She cringes slightly, holding her belly now bigger then she is. She mumbles "I should kill Nepp.. too bad I miss him so much."
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Ash lays in the grass in front of Jareg in Fort Miritix, writing in her book until Jareg wakes up.
My life has been absolutly chaotic the past couple months. Gets me worried that I've been so careless with the children still inside of me. I'll start acting more responsibly.. since Igave myself a big scare not too long ago by drinking.
I miss Glenn more then ever now. He would knock some sense into me for sure, and stick by my side when I'm bored. If I could just see him one more time, I'd give my life for it. Oh well that will come sooner or later.
I miss hanging with Jaregand all my other friends. And the only reason I am is because Kiva isn't around to send me home. I know he means well, but it's driving me crazy not being able to do anything but sit on my rear all day. I'd rather go out like Glenn did then keep going on like this. And Tash just popped out of no where.. scared me half to death.
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Ash deeply meditated on the cliffs of Folian, curled up as she mumbled slightly and rolled over. "Ash," a familiar face looked her over and grinned slightly. "It's so good to see your face again. And wow, how many pies have you eaten girl?" The wood elf sat down beside her in the cliffs and smiled.
Ash awoke in a cold sweat, breathing heavily. Slowly, tears began to well up in her eyes ,and slowly made their way down her cheek. She ruffled through her hair absentmindedly and closed her eyes, attempting to go back to meditation, though it wasn't much use afterher rude awakening.
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Ash awakes to the sound of crying, something she is not nearly used to. Her own heart races as she jolts up and runs over to the cribs with tears running down her own face as she does. She picks up the crying baby and wraps him in a blaket. She takes her journal out of a chest, then goes to sit by the fireplace.
I am a mother.
Ash craddles her baby and gets him back to sleep, then rests her head on the back of the couch, trying to get some rest herself. The words were still ringing in her head from her last dream.
"Ash, oh they're so beautiful, what are their names? When can I make them bows? Were they born in the name of the Longstrider?" The same wood elf looked her over and smiled softly while patting her on the back. Then was when she awoke.
Ash sighs and wipes the tears rolling down her face. She smiles at her newborn and puts him back beside his sisters, then covers him with a silk blanket. She kisses each of them and leaves them in the care of her friends while she goes out to walk.
-
Ash looks over the Grey Peaks, searching for any signs ovf movement, and smiling slightly to herself. She spotted an ogre and grinned. She drew her bow and an arrow. Ash aimed for his head, with her compound bow cam resting against the side of her face and let the arrow stream through the air. The arrow went straight through the ogre's head and came out the other side. Ash rolled back her shoulders and smiled.
"I still have it," she whispered into the breeze.
She traveled down the side of the mountain to the bottom where the undead usually roam. She drew her swords, and loomed over the zombies waiting for her oppurtune moment to strike. She jumped from the hill and plunged her longsword into the zombie's chest. She then battled them with ease, as she had before her pregnancy, with grace and strength. She smiled again and brushed her loose hair out of her face.
"I stillll have it," she smiled wider and left the mountains happily.
-
The wood elf smiled and sat down beside Ash on the cliffs once more as she looked out into Folian's forest. He wrapped his arms around her, letting his hood drop as he did.
"You don't know how much I miss you," he held her close as he whispered in her ear. "You have changed so much, from a shy and quiet ranger to a master of steath with a good heart and a free spirt. And then to a mother who still has dreams and desires, but holds her children in first priority everyday she is still left breathing."
Again, Ash broke out of meditation in a cold sweat with her heart pounding. She takes a sip of water and takes her journal from her pack.
I can't stand it anymore. I only meditate when I must, and I am tired enough with three children on my hands. I miss him so much.. if.. if I JUST would have.. done what my heart told me instead of my mixed up mind..
Tears roll down her face and smudge the parchment she writes on. She writes simply
What COULD have been.
-
Ash looks over her children smiling. Their personalities were very evident now, even at a young age. She writes down descriptions of them in her journal.
Tearis the pouty one, always giving her brother or sister a funny look if they do anything new or out of place. Her grey eyesare beautiful, almost like mineonce were. And her hairiswhite like her father's.
Peace's name fits him pefectly. He always sits back and watches Destiny and Tear bicker pver things. He almost giggled as they fought over a toy block once, clapping his hands and smiling. He has lavendar eyes and black hair, but he does havemy smile.
Destiny is always finding a quiet corner and picking up a book. She is very quiet, not ever demanding much attention. Her black eyes and white hair always seem to look perfect, never all bunched up or flying everywhere. She is usually calm, unless Tear tried to take a book away from her.
They are five months old today, and are maturing very quickly. I hope the slow down; I can't take this all at once!
-
Ash looks inthe mirror and blinks.She mumbles to herself in short questions, as if expectng the mirror to answer.
"Am I the type to settle with what I have or strive for what I want? If I settle with what I have, can I just keep my mind from wandering, please? Am I still that carefree girl in the forest or the worrisome mother at home with the children? Could I please have someone to talk to.. that might actually.. listen for once? Or underdtand at all? Like.. Glenn maybe?"
She sighs and walks out to the forest and climbs up a tree. She holds her head and tries to think. "Who could I talk to?" she occasionally mumbles while lost in thought.
-
Ash sat on top of one of the many Rolling Hills, looking over and passed the others writing down a few thoughts while she had peace and quiet.
I talked with Rod the other day. Aralin for a little while too, I think I embarassed him though. He said he had to go, he had "business" to take care of. So, I talked with Rod for a while, about many things. I completely spoke my mind, and I made him turn pink a couple times. Funny.. I never thought a wood elf could blush. But then again, I could think about some of the things I said to him and make myself blush. It was really nice to talk to him. I sorta always thought he was a grump, but he has a really huuuuge heart. I'd really like to--the entry abruptly ends here--
---
Ash smiled to herself while sitting on 250 Half Lake's rooftop. She looked like she was about to jump in the air and start to do backflips.
Oh gods.. just when I started to write I heard foot steps behind me. Just BARELY heard them too;I'm luckyI did. I mean.. it was just my sort of luck. Just when I started to right about Rodlin, he showed up behind me, bleeding a lot like Glenn did. Now I know whereGlenn got it from.Ohh.. I hope he wasn't looking at what I wrote.. well it was getting cold and dark anyway.
He invited me into his house, which I might add, looks like a mini forest all in its own. So we went over by thenice warm fire on some comfy cushions and started talking..about many things again. Mostly love and mistakes we'd made in the past.I know I've made many, but he hasn't made a single one yet. Anyway, yet again he amazed me, by how much wisdom he has. And he's a total hotty to top it off;I actually told him that too. But he got his revenge in the end. I took my hood off, obviously something I rarely do. And that bugger made me blush! He is really a nice guy and deserves Miss Right;I hope he finds her soon. He seems kinda lonely or depressed.
-
Ash sat calmly on the edge of the Serpent Mountains, though thoughts were racing through her head faster than she could put them onto parchment, so she just spoke them in a whisper, with there was no one to hear.
"When wood elves make you blush.. youthink there's something there. When they smile at you and your heart sort of flutters..you probably will guess something's there. Butwhen you think about it, you think, Is this really happening? Tome of all people? and everything points to yes. But then comes the spark..and it's either scary or.. desirable."
She curls up looking down over the mountains in the darkness.
"I'm in deep this time, aren't I? But then again.. I really want to be.."
-
I have the feeling I was being played like a fiddle for some reason, or that he led me on a leash likeso many have done before.It's all so confusing.. did I do the right thing is the biggest question. I let my guard down too easily sometimes, then's when I make my bsd decisions. But he's just so..nice.. and makes me spark, he wouldn't do that purposely, would he?Havefaith in all until they prove you wrong, right?Maybe I'll see him soon. I hope so.. he's almost all I can think about now. Someone that gives me hope..
Ash looks down and smiles at a boar wandering around. She slides out of the tree and pets him.
"Have you ever been played like that boar? I mean.. during mating season and all it must happen a lot. It's like your being teased but it makes you even more determined..."
The boar looks up at her and oiks. Ash nods and continues to babble on to the boar.
-
Ash wipes the tears from her eyes and picks up her three children sleeping. She puts one on her back, one on her front and the other she carries in her arms. She looks down as she walks slowly to Leilon and uses an old key to get into 124 Leilon. She puts them down beside Nepp in his bed and leaves a note on his table.The notes reads:
Nepp. Here they are. I can't take care of them at the moment, alright? Amazing the things you will do sometimes, you would know about that. I'm sorry if their a pain or a burden, it's your turn. Takes two remember? Take care of them.. and yourself.
-Ash
-
Ash sighs as she walks into 124 again. The house is silent, obvious that Jareg wasn't around. She keptto the walls and the shadows as she entered the middle room on the left. Her childrenwere there to her amazement, deep in meditation, just like Nepp. She gently picked them up, careful not to wake them and wrote on the bottom of her other note before taking them back to Hlint.
Thank you Nepp. I knew you could do it without hurting yourself. Sorry to go all spastic on you. Come find me soon. Take care.
-
Nepp found him. I knew it was going to happen and I did my best to prevent it. Nepp is a ranger, he has tracking skills whether or not he wants them. I was hurt when I heard one of them smack the floor in the arena, I knew who it would be hitting the floor, the honorable and patient one of course. I felt like someone ripped my heart out.. like almost how I did when Glenn died.
I wonder everyday why I am breathing, when I have lost so much and ruined so much, is my life meant to be torcher? Then I think about him... and his wonderful spirit lifting smile. It's enough to change my day from horrible to the best day I've ever had. He does make a wonderful candle too. And in a tunnel without light at the end, it does you no good to put out your candle when you're afraid of the dark. My wars I can't fight alone, as much as I'd love to be able to. I just can't.. think.. about what I fear the most. Fears can ruin dream. Though fear, many times, becomes reality more than dreams do.
For years, I feared I would lose Glenn. That he would leave me on this Plane alone. When there is so much more he could have tsught me, but I learned more from his death and changed so much from it. I don't even remember that girl back then. The foolish one. The one who made all those mistakes, which I am paying for now. I have a new fear now. It's not death at all. Death comes when the time is right. We have no need to force it to come. It was Glenn's time to go whether I can agree with that statement or not; I must believe it to be true that everything happens for a reason. It just depends on what the gods and fate have in store for us. My fear is losing my candle, because there is no light at the end of my tunnel, and I am so afraid of the dark.
I obviously can't raise my children without someone there. And Nepp.. will be gone for quite some time according to his note. I pray he will be safe and not do anything stupid. Though I keep getting the feeling his kids don't mean much to him, just a lost thought or a memory.
Ash looked around her room. Small and cozy, just the way she liked it. The babies weren't making a sound, always a good sign that deep into the night. A candle burned in a single corner of the room, giving Ash just enough light to see what she was writing. The candle was old, the flame almost comepletely out. Most of what was left was wax. She pulled another candle out of her dresser and put out the old one. The room illminated instantly with a much brighter light than Ash could ever remember the other candle having. The children in their cribs didn't even flinch. With that, Ash slid on her riding gear and her hood, then led a sleepy elven girl into her room to watch her demonic treasures. Ash whispered,"I'm gonna go make sure this fear doesn't become my next reality. Try to keep track of them, will you? If you need help you know how to find me." And off she went, determined to find just who she was looking for.
-
I can’t believe it. I was in that house so long… I missed my own birthday. I probably spent it with heartache. I lost track of time almost completely. My days have dwindled it seems...
I hope I’ll see him soon, or I will really go completely and utterly insane.
Ash jumped from the roof down to the ground and took in a breath of fresh air, smiling.
-
"That's the last of it," she mumbled packing her things into boxes in her room. She marked the boxes, "Dreams," "Hopes," and "Love." She threw all three in the fire and watched them burn. Shescribbled on a letter marked "Tyrian" on it, then gave it toa falcon on the window seal.
She took a last look around, making sure every trace of her past was gone or in her pack. The children asleep, she headed for the portal. "Let the journey begin," she smirked.
-
"She deserves to be happy."
"But do I?"
"Yes Ash, you do."
"This is taking forever..."
"It will feel like it." -6 years ago.
"Sometimes, the bravest warrior's hearts are so full of love, there is no room left for bravery. Just as yours, Ash."
"I say.. the bravest MEN's hearts are so full of love there is no room for bravery. It sounds better." -3 years ago.
"Admit it Ash. The only one you ever loved was Glenn. Admit it."
"Yes, I admit it. Glenn was the only one I have ever truly loved. With all my heart and until I join him. I was just looking for a chance to love again, and a shoulder to cry on. I miss love so much." -2 years ago.
Broke the record. Three days. I figured I would write down the quotes I truly remember. I cant believe it's been 4 years. Life without meaning burns the soul. Now is really when I need Glenn to be beside me telling me it will be over soon, fact is it won't. Hope is found even in the darkest of times and the darkest of places. Hope is never lost. And if it is, it can be found. I'll be back tracking my steps to see where I went wrong. It might take around 15 years but it's worth it.
-
He isn't here, I must accept he won't be back. He's with her and not with me, I must accept that too.
I find myself wondering how he is... I hope better than I am of course. I saw him in Hlint... and he sort of looked at me
and ran... I didnt do anything this time... I didn't screw up (as badly as usual for me) for once, and I feel gulity. Where
is the justice in that? It feels like I can't... function. But it will be over soon, won't it? I mean, I've realized my mistakes
in past relationships.. andfully gotten over them. I went to Barion and Kura's wedding and I couldnt have been happier
for both of them. I haven't felt GUILT of all things until now, but then again something new happens everyday.
My fear of wood elves could pose a potential problem when praying for guidance from one. But when I pray it
seems to be like this... or feels like it.
"Folian, guide me. Where am I headed? What should I do?"
"Uhh.. I got nothin'.."
Guilt and Fears.. Guilt and Fears.
-
Dear Mother, Hmm… Indeed. Where to start….
I’ve been inside keeping away from the plague and otherwise been keeping myself scarce in cities over the past couple years. I know I haven’t been to see you in… years really. I ran into an old friend not too long ago, and she got me thinking and I suppose set me back on my “path” again. As most of my old heroes have, I’ve been wondering quite a bit about Folian being in the forest. Could he be someone we know already? Could he be taking form in someone or something and observing without us knowing? Some many questions that may never be answered... It’s simply mind boggling. It just takes being able to open our eyes to see someone for what they truly are I think. I just wish I could do something, as anyone would naturally. In the darkest places in the darkest times, there can sometimes be the most light in the most hidden places. I really –really- need to stop talking (and writing) in metaphors. These dark times cause one to think about their true meaning on the Prime and possibly if their time has ran out after the war. For the dragon-called, we were all here to fight in the war against Blood, but what happens after the War? Dark times come and we are in need of true heroes, yet none of us have the courage to step up and take charge, or at least, without making things worse.
The snow is getting a bit annoying admittedly, me being a southern Rilaran and always feeling comfortable in humidity and high temperatures. Some days I miss just walking around in the forest for hours on end without a worry in the world. But I’ve grown and so has my outlook on life and what it’s meant for. Not that I have gotten far since then, but at least I’ve gotten wiser possibly. My thoughts drift to many things these days and I can almost feel myself aging.
I wish you the best. I’ll write again soon. I need to keep tabs on my children these days.
Ash *the letter sits on a grave deep in Wolfswood*
-
*Ash sits by the fire in the High Forest reading her old diary. She shakes her head and mumbles occasionally things like, "I was so nice and caring... where did it all go?"* I messed screwed up right after Glenn died. I took on everything all at once and needed guidance, but no one was there. I became bitter and depressed. Then blissfully ignorant...then foolish.. then sarcastic and unwise. And now.. now everyone either hates me or doesn't trust me. I've failed Glenn completely. Bugger... it just looks worse written down. I've failed everyone.. so it's time to set things right. Iretya.
Man, am I glad to have some people around. Emie's the bee's knees, but better. I see a great ranger and possibly even a friend in her. She's bound to go far and do many great things. And (get this) she believes I can change back into the old me. Even though she seems sane.. you never know.
I don't think I can do it. But... who am I to turn down a challenge?