Chapter Three
He was just sitting there upon the steps of the temple to Aeridin, in the Ranger’s Vale and I know he heard my approach. Maybe not so much, as heard, as he felt, much as I feel him when he is near. I had so much to tell him and dared not to stray from why I was there. To stray would surely make things more difficult and painful between the both of us. There will always be a part of me who loves him deeply for his generous spirit, for the love he shares completely and without question to me. I had to tell him though. For him as well as for me. That we could no longer be together as we were. Seeing him so sad tore at my heart unlike anything I had felt before, as if the sun would never shine again within. Aeridin truly shines within him and grants within him warmth when the rest of the world is covered in the blanket of clouds, and cold and evil. In this the direst of times, when evil threatens to take hold, the love he possesses is like a beacon to the lost. Sadly I can not embrace the light and must turn away. Because I know to step foot upon the shore would be to certainly lose my way. To forget who I am completely. I have let go of enough of who I am, I can not let go of my freedom as well. I told him how I felt, and I watched precious tears fall from his cheeks as I know I was surely breaking his heart. I know that in time he will come to understand and he will find love again. Even if it is not the same as what we share. Still the pain of having to tell him was greater than what I imagine and for awhile I imagine it will trouble me as much as it does him. When I try to sleep at night it is as if a blanket of evil and cold fills my heart with dreams of me losing him. He walked away from the Ranger’s Vale and in so doing took the warmth of the sunshine with him. Whether or not I will ever see that warmth again I am not sure. Aeridin please keep him safe and bring into his life the love I can not. I have to do what is right within me. What is true to me, why is though that it does not feel right?
Chapter 4
It is thought that through time, all wounds heal and people will change. They will move and they will live their lives. Still to lose someone close either serves to draw us more into our selves or makes us stronger. I could see the blackness, was beginning to consume Lex’or, and it felt almost as if he had gone into a state of mourning over my pushing away. I had to make the steps though to ensure that I would not lose myself and that of the dreams I hold dearest to my heart. I had to, for the sake of our friendship to help him reclaim who he is meant to be. It seems that partially I have achieved both. And gained more than I expected. We are still good friends and close friends and we will always remain so. We will always be able to share with each other more than perhaps any others could. I will not give up what we have as friends no matter what. When there is such comfort between us that we feel we can fall asleep with the other safely and content. When I can open my heart and share my dreams with him and him bringing to me a sense of peace that he will help me. I know he means it. He is teaching me as I am teaching him a bit more about each other as we slow down and learn more about who each other is…He is teaching me that I need not be afraid of the creatures, and I am coming to appreciate them even more than I once had. I used to venture to Lake Rillon on my own and would go invisible by the white stags, but now I do not fear them and they know I will not hurt them either. This gift of friendship that has been granted between us means the world to me and I will cherish these moments always. It seems as though, there is more than just Lex’or that I am learning more about. Eghaas and I are also growing closer as friends and have spent time reclaiming what has been lost over time and distance. Aeridin has blessed our hearts with a friendship that will surely stand the test of time, and with the wisdom to see truths that others may not ever understand. Aeridin has granted me with the ability to help him how and whenever I can. I am not sure what will become of our new found friendship only that whatever happens we have both agreed to take it slow and not to rush each other. It could be that all that happens is we grow incredible close as friends, but then again. I know that I do not wish to hurt another as I have Lex’or, and Eghaas understands. I am grateful for that. He also understands that I did not wish to burden Lex’or with a commitment to me if another should enter his heart that he may fall madly for. I would be betraying him as a friend and the love that he deserves by binding his soul in such a way. Then there is Omer, and I am unsure what to make of him. We have not recently been able to spend as much time together as we used to and I know it makes him sad too. So I am trying to make up for it. I wish there were more of me, sometimes. But then I am glad there is only one. I can truly get in enough trouble all on my own, but it is much more fun to have Omer with me. I promise that soon I shall take off for awhile and reclaim much needed time between us as friends. I do love him dearly and he keeps me feeling young and smiling. I never wish to lose the youth that laughter instills into our hearts nor Omer as my cherished friend. Aeridin grant me wisdom to keep my wits about me and to guide me ultimately into the steps you will me to go. Do not let me have a day go by that would not be pleasing to you in what I do. Thank you for all your blessings each and every day. For my friends who I can help and look after and for their hearts to help me when I need it most. Please keep watch over those I hold dear as I know you will. I hope where they are the sunshine fills their lives always, and peace fills their souls. For friends of friends lost, Mercas and Sakura and for the many others who have touched our lives with their love and generosity. I pray we never forget any of them. Your will be done Elohanna Min A’Litae
Kross Swift
It started off like a day like no other, a new presence in the town of Hlint to help appeared before me most unexpectedly. He was wounded and most kind. His name is Kross. As we made our introductions, I also offered to heal him even though he had not asked. I know Aeridin would be proud. Kross seems to have a gentleness about him, not at all like the arrogance about him that some I have met seem to portray.
In return he was most kind to ask if I required anything of him. My reply to his query as he called me Elly, sounded that of a sweet soul, "You can stay safe." To this his simply replied, "I will try my best." As he smiled there seemed something more genuine about him that I would like to get to know and so easily drawn into conversation with him.
Later we met again in Hlint and he asked of me to identify the ring called the Designer, that I had seen many of and did not even need to take a second look to know what it was. Further elaborating that it was said to help crafters to better craft. He was most appreciative and asked me also where I had received my hood. Of course I explained I had received it from Kit, and advised him that sometimes it was hard to get her to talk.
It wasn’t long after we parted ways. But I still make mention of him because he was a very nice gentlemen I would hope to meet again some day and hope to know as a friend as well.
--
The Queens Goodbye
[/b] As I approached the outskirts of Castle Blackford for the queens announcement, I was lost in thought. It seemed to be a common occurrence of late and I hadn’t even noticed the presence of others there as I set to start fishing before hand.
Within the confines of my mind or what I thought was my mind though I heard the voice ring out, "Hanna!" His voice most enthusiastic. Why must he be so cheerful, at my presence now of all times?
And my own answer not nearly as cheerful as I normally felt. I could not begin to discern why, so I apologized for my wandering mind.
He asked how I was doing and I don’t know but after what he had told me in Morakens before I avoided his question of How I was and said hello to the others I noticed also there around the lake. Confusion weighing heavy on my mind.
Trying to make light conversation and poke a bit at Hawklen who was there as well, I spoke up in gest. "You have learned to warn people about the Malar haven't you Hawk?"
His reply came as no, "ah did. You jus dinnae listen." He was right and my attempt to lighten my own mood again failed. As soon Lex’or chimed in his own feelings. I tried though inspite of it to reassuring Hawklen though I let him know I didn’t hold it against him anyway. My luck with the fish though seemed to be lacking as my heart didn’t seem to be quite into anything. Even trying to catch Zergon to talk about the room for rent in Krandor. And soon I made way away from the crowd.
I didn’t mean to ignore anyone its just I felt if I needed to be alone. So why was I hear at the queens speech. A queeen I didn’t even truly know. I suppose Aeridin had put it upon my heart to be there and so I found a quiet place to look over the events.
There seemed to be many faces I recognized and a lot that I had yet to meet. I tried though to keep to myself. Fate has a way to determine though if we are meant to be alone or not. You would think I was able to decide what was best for me or not but as fate would have its own plans for me. What I wanted was not what was meant to be.
Melanna soon made her way nearby. I could never stay so depressed when Melanna was near. My sister and best friend despite all my flaws and as she greeted me with a smile. I could not help but appreciate her all the more in this moment and smiled back. Neither of us sure what the queen would have to say and whether Eghaas would be there.
Her thoughts seemed to echo my own, if he would be joining us. Eghaas was normally around when least expected though, which is what I like most about him. He comes and goes much as I do. I know he has his own life away from me and he knows I have my own even though we don’t talk about it much, when we are together, there is just something between us that draws us closer together. The thought of him brightened my mood a bit as Melanna and I talked more.
After awhile I felt a bit nervous standing outside the walls with the crowd knowing the last time I had been here was not so pleasant an experience. So I cast a sight to open my eyes more to those around me and kept an eye out for suspicious people or the dark wizard I had seen before.
I couldn’t help but laugh though as a few others seemed to take up my paranoia around the crowd. I had not meant to cause them to be nervous but still it is better to be safe than sorry.
And then there he was, he had found us through the crowd and I could not help but feel a bit happy as I recognized his voice speaking even in a whisper to Melanna. He seemed most quiet though as if he had his own thoughts on his mind so I didn’t press it and turned my attention back to the castle.
Soon Highstar Belinmeric came out and stood on the podium as a magician wove a spell around her to amplify her voice throughout the grounds.
"Greetings to all." She began. "It is good to see that even in the last moments, the Queen still has many who wish to see her and pay their respects. Perhaps simple curiosity or a sense of duty, but here we all are to give her a last goodbye."
The whispers of speculation carried around the crowd much like gossip generally does only know those present would know for sure what was happening to their beloved queen as she was meant to be the center focus of the evening and would be speaking.
The Highstar continued, "I would like to quell all rumors as to what has happened in the last few months, years, and even within the last few hours. However, this is not the day that I was given the place to speak before you all, instead it is the day of our Queen."
She scanned the crowds for a long moment, seemingly admiring the huge amount of people and taking in everyone, a sense of pride clear in her expression. Perhaps a hint of confusion as today seemed to be a fine day for confusion to be part of everything. But today was also meant to be a day of answers.
"Today, In Autum Twilight, The Dead Eye day. I give you, Queen Allurial." The enthusiastic cheers went up around the crowd as those who knew and loved her celebrated her presence.
Despite all the horrible rumors flying around, she was looking physically fine, her expression perhaps a bit sad but also happiness.
"Greetings to all.. people of this wonderful place we call home.. I am glad that despite my request to make this a small event, I can trust on my closest to know the best for me."
She smiled a bit and composes herself as laughter flies through the crowds. "There are so many things that I would like to say to you all, so many things that were left undone, but unfortunately, and perhaps not so, time is the only truth that marks our passing. And in that truth, we come and go like the ebb and flow of the Weave. We are part of a bigger scheme that we all enter and exit.
Today, it is my time to move from this place and unto another. Fear not. This passing is one that I welcome. My absence from the throne in the last few months was not one that was endured through some ill disease as many think. There was no affliction that put me to bed through some wicked attack of a dark force." She shakes her head slightly. "In the blessings of the Lady of Spells, boons were granted to me. Gifts that allowed my presence to be one that is normally unseen. And now that she calls, the many years that she had granted me in this role finally caught up to me. My life, slowly returning to the Weave that made it thus, and finally after many months of attempting to reassure a peaceful future for those who are left behind, her call I cannot resist longer. People of Mistone, we have been safe from the wars for many years. Sinthar's touch was only felt lightly thanks to the work we all put to make this continent such a bright place. And in that peace we should all acknowledge what we would lose if we forget it."
So let us not do so. Remember the times before the clouds, remember how each day we fought death, by living. And let us keep this thought with us. You all know the struggles that come ahead, both personal and of the greater world. Do not think of them as a foreign and isolated matter. Think of them as the wave that starts in a distant ocean, and comes to strike in great sizes once it reaches the shore. Our shore. Fight this wave. As it now not only comes from elsewhere, but from within as well."
I couldn’t help but look at the ground, saddened and unsure. The queens own face looked a bit sad as she continued. "The sisterhood fades. Foul play coming from the one who felt betrayed now has finally crippled the ancient bond we had. The Lady of the Land now has passed. The others find refuge in their own devices. And then of course there is Selian, who no longer fights for the same principles we did before. Thus it is clear to me, that it is a time for new faces to come and bring hope to the people. To bring unity and prosperity in the times to come. I hope that amongst these here gathered, those faces are or can be found. For leaders grow not of crowns, jewelry or title. But they grow of heart, steadfastness and a drive to make a difference. Be that and I shall leave happily."
She took a breath and eyed the crowd again. "Let my words not cloud your day, for if this is my day, it is your day as well. Let us today remember of all the things that brought us here." Her words flowed over my heart with a truth I needed to hear and appreciated even more the presence of my friends around me. I took the hands of Melanna and Eghaas to convey to them hopefully just how much I welcomed them in my life and how dear to me they are at the moment I felt the need to show them that and it was least I could do.
As the speech continued, I could feel Melanna, eyes for a brief moment. And Eghaas as well. As if there were understanding and an unspoken connection between the three of us. In that moment. I knew in that moment they would always be there for me come what may and I had true faith in our friendship.
"And in that path, all the marks we've left. *she smiles brightly now* Marks that I have seen many of. And proudly say that I have experienced with you, many of the wonders that those with a will to do, can manage." The queen continued. "The castle will stand, with time someone will come to replace what remains in my passing. To what degree will that be? I am not sure. But I ask all of you to help that person fight for the same principles you all helped me fight for. And not only the one that will come after me, but those of all the other lands that fight with the same hearts we have. That fight for liberty. For peace. For love of the land and the people around it. Against oppression and recklessness. Most important however, is simply to not forget to smile and laugh. As it is the medicine that cures all ills, particularly those that normal medicine cannot. I wish all a happy life."
The air surrounding us smelled fresher, different, unique and sweet. A breeze blowing, a small beam of light began to form behind the queen. Coming from the heavens above. And as if a prayer had been answered as if all the confusion within her lived for this moment alone. And I couldn’t help but sigh happily at the beautiful sight. The sky, the sun, the warmth overwhelming for a sun elf who lived for the sun to see what had for such a long time been taken for granted until it was gone. And then the tears began to fall. Knowing in her heart the moment was all to brief and would not last for very long. Melanna gave my hand a gentle squeeze.
As the queen was whisked away, from us I couldn’t help but lay back in the grass and gaze up at the heavens and the blue skies that seemed to beam down upon us all with the gold rays of sunlight. Sitting up though I felt the need more than ever to just be alone, so casting invisibility upon my self I left for Hlint, far away from everyone. Noticing someone by the fire, I tried to wipe away the tears that I could feel running down them. It was Erik and his compliment of my outfit brought an all to brief smile upon my face. But he also seemed to have his mind other places so we did not talk too much. Perhaps it was for the best.
--
For Love and Friendship
She had noticed him sitting upon a bench with another and remembered to herself all that happened when he had overheard her speaking with Eghaas. She did not wish to eavesdrop on his own conversation with another and took off to do the only thing she could think of. To complete her crafting, a renewed interest in alchemy she had begun to enjoy and a way for her to help her friends by making healing potions.
That is where they found her. Lex’or and Zergon with news she was not willing to hear. That she could not believe. It seems he had followed me lured by the sound of my voice speaking with Hawklen only moments before. I was afraid but also curious as to what he had to show me. Perhaps I should have remained curious it would have hurt less.
His familiar voice rang out as I was about to start to make the potions although my mind at this point didn’t seem to be to far into it. "Dear hanna, I heard your voice back near the bank.. I am looking for you something I need to show you. I was hoping I would find you here."
She looked down a troubled mind before him, anxiously awaiting what words would so concern her that he would want to find her, as she stacked her empty flasks upon the table.
He could obviously see something was troubling me and as I rather not speak about it at the moment it was easier to brush away such questions and worry about the hear and now. Why would he be searching for me?
Partially he figured he was the cause, but no not all of this could possibly be blamed exclusively on him. In truth the great evil that seemed to envelope the land with the darkness of the clouds truly bothered me. I…am sunelf and I longed so dearly to feel its warmth again as I did as a child. I longed deeply in my heart to feel its warmth as I had only days before at the queens ceremony. Yet it was gone again. The gods has for one brief moment in time situated me in such a way that I was there for a brief respite of the clouds, only to make me hunger for more but the realization that I may never see the sun again, in full, weighed heavily on my heart.
Soon my mind turned back to Lex’or as his apology rang through my scattered mind and brought me back to the hear and now. Perhaps for the best but then I am not so sure as I listen to what he has to say. What has brought him to see me. Although I asked him for a brief moment to finish my potions before we continued much more into a serious discussion so that I could further devote my attention him.
As Jako entered into the room, it seemed almost welcome to have a chance to focus back on my potions than to continue to converse, as my heart just didn’t seem to be into talking much but more reflecting on the most recent events and the potions before me.
It seemed as though I was not meant to make the potions though as I soon realized that instead of greenstone, I had placed Malachite dust on the table. It didn’t matter anyway after Zergon soon joined us with the news that Lex’or had come to share. I was not prepared at all for the news, or the implications that came with it. I felt a weight on my heart I had never felt before as my heart was opening to the one who I felt they believed had threatened Zergon’s life and in turn threatened my beliefs in trusting myself.
My heart told me that the letter could not be written by Eghaas, that he would never do such a thing regardless of the overwhelming evidence they seemed to be laying before me. I knew of all that Eghaas has told me and my heart continues to tell me to believe him but there was doubt and fear in my heart. I had doubted Eghaas once before and the disappointment on his voice tore at my heart like nothing I had ever felt before.
I couldn’t listen to them continue this. I trusted deeply in Eghaas and I could not bear to think that he could possibly have done this. I tore out of the tower leaving behind all that was not already on me and ran as fast as I could away from them.
Not even carrying where I landed I made my way to the overlook in Haven climbing the hill as best I could with the tears that seemed to sting at my own eyes. Could this be true? Could I be so wrong about someone I was starting to fall for? Could he be lying to me? I pleaded to Aeridin to tell me this was some nightmare I would wake up from soon and that my heart would know for certain who was lying to me and who was telling the truth.
Gently wrapping my fingers around the strings of the harp I had recently purchased from Lyle, I tried desperately to make sense of what was happening. The music seemed to mimic my heart at the moment though. Sad and longing for answers.
I tried to sniffle back her tears as I heard the footfalls of Lex’or approaching and speaking my name. "Hanna." I was not ready to speak to anyone, but as he kneeled. The look as sad and pained as it appeared my own heart was and I could see the concern in his own expression. Before I knew it, it came out. "He wouldn't do this Lex'or! I know he wouldn't!" And I couldn’t stop it as my face buried within the folds of my dress in my knees to cry.
He wanted me to talk, but I didn’t know what else to say, I was pleading with him to trust my heart as much as I believed I trusted myself, yet it was as if within I was also fighting doubt and love and doubt was winning. How could this be happening? I tried to battle though against my doubt and battle for my faith in Eghaas.
Lex’or tried to point out that there were so many things that proved his case against Eghaas. How could he ask me to trust to him when what he would ask of me was to betray my heart and trust in someone I cared for deeply. "No! Its not true...." I shook my head in defiance and a plea for him to believe me too.
How could he sit here and ask me to believe him and in the same breathe and tell me he didn’t want to see me get hurt. Couldn’t he see he was hurting me? "I beg of you to speak with Kyle, hear from him what he told me."
I was sunk as he asked me to have faith in him. Was that not what I was asking him to do for me. Have faith in me, in my heart. In those I deemed worthy to trust. I couldn’t help but pull away and pull into myself as if being asked to let of the safety and security of the one person who I thought I could trust. To let go of who I was.
He swore to me he had never lied to me, and swore on the grave of his mother that he promised he would never lie. I believed him or at least I trusted him to tell me the truth. His version though, his perception of the truth. I could not simply turn my back on Eghaas without hearing from him his own thoughts, his own feelings. And what I hoped would be the truth. He has sworn to always be truthful with me. I had to believe in him still. But it made the pain inside no less easy to bear.
As I listened to him, I shook my head as if trying to shake away a nightmare, sniffling back my own tears. Still she clung to hope that Eghaas would not be the one to threaten Zergon’s life.
His next words hit like a knife, "it doesn’t change the fact that I don’t want you to be misled or used." And my own whispered words I hoped would convince him to believe what she spoke as truth. "I just know he wouldn’t do it." Of course he had to counter my heart with his own doubts, "but what if he did Hanna? How long would you close your eyes, unless you believe that I am the one from your card. If so tell me and you will not have this trouble ever again."
His look was of one that was trying to convince her he was willing to share anything with her if she just asked. All I could say was full of doubt and pain and uncertainty. "I don’t know anything right now, nothing makes sense." I know he wished to help, I could see it the tears in his own eyes, but how dare he be in pain? But the pain I could see was sincerity of a wish truly for me not to be hurt. Of wanting me to truly keep an open mind so that I was not hurt.
Seeing that there was more that needed to be said, even through the tears in his own eyes and the want to try to settle this all. To get it all in the open, she spoke words even though she wished she had not. "Please Lex'or if there is more to be said. Say it!"
His words felt like the knife had been turned in her and shoved through, "I have to admit Hanna that I have felt betrayed, and played for." I didn’t have to ask as he wouldn’t be telling me this if he didn’t feel it was me, but I asked for confirmation. "By who?"
He looked up ashamed of admitting it, and then I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t believe what was left unsaid as I cried deeply into my knees. How could he believe I would betray him that I would hurt him intentionally?
And then it settled over me like a raging river. The queen’s goodbye had cinched it. The differences between Melanna and Lex’or. They didn’t and never would like each other. And the same would probably hold true for Eghaas and him. He continued though as I cried and I prayed my elvish ears could block out everything but they heard him clearly enough even over my own tears.
"Even at the goodbyes of the queen I saw you holding his hands and hers.. And my mind ran wild, knowing that they are friends, knowing she never approved of you and me." I whispered the words. "Trust me…" but he continued to lay out how he felt and I couldn’t stop him. "That she would do anything to make that known from her own mouth. But it doesn’t matter what I feel. Not when I see you like this."
Finally she managed weekly through her tears, shaking her head in a daze. "They are my friends too." She cried deeply as he spoke to her. "And one of your friends hates me, but I don’t care, not anymore. When you left the tower crying Hanna, everything just disappeared." He quickly continued as I think he knew I had the urge to say something even though I couldn’t. "I don’t care how I feel, or if I have been played by them, or lied to by Eghaas, but I do care if you are being hurt. I just can’t fight it."
He seemed to have a lot to say and there was nothing I could do to stop him. "And Hanna I feel it in here." He tapped hard against his heart. "He is not all that you think he is, it is no longer a question of what I want or what my heart hopes, because my heart and hopes are like the broken forest every time I see you like this."
Through my sobs, I managed a weak whisper. "what d...do... want me.. t...do?" He simply said, what seemed simple to him but was asking me to cast doubt at my friends each time I looked into their eyes. "I want you to keep an open mind that he might not have said all the truth. I want you to have faith in the principals of our faith Hanna…You shall respect all live. By the tenant of our faith hanna, there is no excuses. We are the bearer of peace of the great circle, upheld to respect all life, to not refuse to help no one, drows, ogres, kobolds, gnolls, and all that you have told me, all that I have seen, the things that Zergon told me that he did not mention because he didn’t have time. Zergon told me that whenever he was in town, he would see Eghaas look at him and leave. You have to ask yourself, if Zergon was about to die, would Eghaas help him?"
My reply, "I have faith.....he would."
Still he kept pressing it as if he expected me to turn my back on my faith in Eghaas, "Look at it with what you have heard Hanna, logically and by the tennant of our faith. I have talked with Aleina Shiante a long time ago when I was having problems with my conscience due to my colors, and I don’t know why exactly our talk went onto my actions then about going with people that their intent were purely actions and fun. I mentioned to her what Eghaas had told me and she told me that If I spoke to every one from our faith, none would have the same answer from Eghaas."
I felt dizzy with the everything I heard and yet he continued. "Now I agree this for you is all hear say, but I trust her as much as I trust you. I do not see eye to eye about it, about the fact that I should leave my friends to go without my help if they are only seeking the hunt. but I trust her sense of the faith. And there is the time in Hlint where a newcomer brought without realizing it a goblin into town."
I lied down on my back feeling as if my heart was being crushed, the pain inside simply to let him have his say, to understand his point of view, to try to have faith in the way he saw things, and understand why he would tell all of this. Was he trying to hurt me as I had hurt him. No… He would never do that. I knew he wouldn’t but it didn’t make the pain go away at all.
"Eghaas was the first up and instead of being the bearer of peace that our faith orders us, he was being rude and inconsiderate enough that If I had not stepped in and cut off Eghaas making him leave, the barbarian was about to rip him apart. When I came back to the benches, after having the barbarian agree to be more careful for the sake of the town people, Eghaas was mumbling about the fact that I had stepped in even though the barbarian had said that yes it was him who had brought the goblin in.. it was not with love and comprehension but with disdain that his voice spoke Hanna. Lastly when I confronted him on the bench of Hlint.. Warning him about hurting you and the fact that he tried to use the faith against me.. Yes I have spoken for my love for you and yes it was not in total accordance with my faith. And when he chuckled about Zergon and talking with Kyle saying it was only a caution, when the words Kyle told me that I told you where of hatred, There is too many things Hanna, just to many things to close your eyes. He chuckled Hanna! Laughed! While trying to justify himself!"
She cried, and in between her tears she spoke a promise. "I ... will... talk to Kyle..." I don’t know if he heard me or not, or if even the words came out as he continued, "and yet, when I explained to him why I thought he lied to me, stating the chain of events, he just stayed there silent and after that he left. Now I truly hope you know and understand that I would NEVER lie to you."
It seems we were not the only ones that were trying to take in the solitude of the overlook as others approached us, and I wished for once that they would go away as I only felt like crying. I think they saw my tears, I am not sure but they left as quietly as they approached.
Lex’or again continued, "I wouldn’t have told you what I did, if I was going to lie to you."
I rose and as I did ran my fingers through my hair and shook my head. Still trying to make sense of everything. As he continued I had to stop and speak my own mind after having listened to so much. "I have never once lied to you Lex'or. Not once!" But I couldn’t help the tears that were falling.
"I know. I was confused and my heart hoped for something that could not be." I heard him confirm he did. But I had to be sure he did.
"Do you truly trust me?" I asked him again because I had to know. Never once had I lied to him, or deceived him. But at that moment I didn’t feel as if anyone truly trusted or heard me or wanted to listen. That those I considered friends never took me seriously or as more than a child. "Can you look me in the eyes and truly say you do?"
He looked in my eyes deeply in her eyes. "I trust YOU Hanna."
"Then you already know the answer to your question." She coughed and sniffles back her tears.
As if anything could get worse, his next words twisted my heart that he still couldn’t fully understand how deep my friendship was for him. "I will follow the council of M'lady Ranéwin." And I looked at him and asked him what he meant. "I am unsure if I would be able to give you what I used to give you Hanna in the future, the gentle holdings, letting you sleep in my arms. I don’t know if I would be able to give that to you if my heart was to stop loving you."
How can you just simply stop loving someone? Sure love can change it can grow or it can wither like a flower, but it is always still there. But he sounded as if he wished for his heart to stop loving me. As if he was pushing me away. Even though it hurt to say it, I knew he had to be true to himself. "Follow your heart Lex'or. Follow your heart where it may lead you." I desperately tried to fight back my tears and he reached my hand. "With all my heart Hanna, I am truly sorry to have hurt you with my confusion and.. . I am truly heartfelt sorry.
It felt as if I was being crushed, I felt like running and hiding, or maybe I felt that after all the pain I had caused him that it was just deserved that the pain was something I deserved. "I... just... for someone to truly trust my heart."
His words were sweet which made it all the more difficult to be mad at him. "Your heart is gold Hanna and true, confused…but its intentions are honorable."
At this point I could scarcely take anymore. "I have to sort out the confusion." I thought truly I had already but no.. I was perhaps fooling myself the entire time.
Sometimes I wonder why He talks so much, seems so sure of himself but I couldn’t help listening to him, even though I didn’t want to hear what he had to say. I stayed and listened. He then shared some wisdom his father had told him. "If your heart is confused in what it believes is true, and that there is many that tells you that what you perceive to be true is not.. you should listen to your head and trust those who tries to help you. The heart is a powerful allie, but also, and true in my case, also your worst enemy as it over shadows reason."
There was already enough doubt in my mind I didn’t not wish to here any more but I for some reason I felt the need to invite him to come with me while I finished up what had started all of this, my presence in the tower to create some healing potions, and maybe in doing so, try to heal my own heart for it seemed almost shattered within my chest.
Not long after we finished at the tower though, we set off for more Aloe in high forest. I thought I would be fine as the subject had changed and things seemed to be a little more light hearted. I tried to push my own insecurities to the back of my mind. And just enjoy the moment with Lex’or as friends adventuring to collect some aloe.
Everything was fine, as Lex’or was shrouded in sanctuary and I was invisible, I had tried to cast it also on him but he was to far ahead of me to effectively cast on. Then it happened…The treant attacked him and I had no choice but to attack in defense of Lex’or. I didn’t want to attack them. I just wanted to gather the Aloe. But it seemed so much like my life at the moment I was failing miserably and found myself crumbling and crying. I think Lex’or understood I was having a terrible time dealing with the world spinning unbearably out of control around me and held his arms open to embrace me. And the next moment holding me as I cried.
I don’t know where he came from but his voice was at that moment welcomed as he spoke in our language. Beautifully as always. Eghaas had asked me what was wrong. There was so much wrong that I needed to talk to them both to finally have answers from both of them. To see them together, talking and know they would speak their minds in confidence that I was not judging them so we left the area of the treants and made our way to the island at Lake Palden.
--
Islands of Interpretation
Asking them both to sit as I needed them both to hear what I had to say. The burden that lay at my feet to trust them or not lay in this single moment however brief in our lives it may seem meant an eternity of peace or anguish. I had to do something and having them both present however difficult it was for them because of ill feelings they both harbored toward one another. I was being drawn into this conflict, seemingly because they both wanted to protect me. I trusted them. But they did not trust me, and in a way it seemed that because of the conflict, they did not trust me to know my heart.
"Eghaas, I trust you so much and I have told you this. But there are something that make no since to me." He invited me to go on, "You told me your concern with Zergon was he was afraid because of him being a traitor to his own kind it could put others... innocent other people in danger."
To this he again confirmed, this was one of the reasons. And I wanted him to tell me everything while Lex’or was there. I wanted him to explain his side of events whether Lex’or would understand or not. "Please explain what happened between you and Kyle.
"I told him… if I had a family I would be concerned as to the Drow that came across my family, That is what I recall what I said." Lex’or immediately jumped on this seeking further details, and I also asked as to the tone of the conversation he held with Kyle. "It was an expression. There was no threatening tone."
Lex’or chimed in to argue, and I asked Lex’or if he was present at the time, or if he was only hearing from Kyle’s point of view. Trying to make my point as well, He wasn’t there but had no reason to mistrust Kyle. Neither did I but that wasn’t the point I was trying to make either.
Eghaas, also spoke up to voice that Dalan was also present at the time. "and I don’t believe that he felt that I was out of line. If so I would wish that he would have told me."
I expressed my interest though in speaking with them both, but that would have to be at a later time. Eghaas before us both admitted his apprehensions toward Zergon. I was not asking him to change his views but to explain why he felt as he did. Something struck me though, "At the time." How long ago may this have happened and could Eghaas’ views changed in that time.
I listened to them talk back and forth, about the tennants of our faith before I had to interject myself, "Listen to me both of you. You both have your own interpretation of the dogma of Aeridin. It is safe to say no one will always agree.
From Eghaas’ perspective... I see the concern based on history of events that have occurred even here in Minstone concerning the Drow. In both Hlint and Port Hampshire. That warrants a degree of caution.
I also see he strongly believes in protecting those he cares about."
Seeing the want in Lex’or’s eyes to say more, I quickly pressed on to express my own feelings. "Before you say a word Lex'or let me finish.
From your perspective... You are trying to do the same to protect those you care about...You see that the way Eghaas has gone about things should be different... that perhaps to those he may have offended they deserve an apology."
I am not completely sure however that Eghaas understood until further clarified that it was not just Kyle, but also Zergon that deserved one.
And then the topic turned to the letter than had been received by Zergon, threatening his life. All my heart still believing in Eghaas, but the truth of his dislike for him still made him suspect.
Still at this point the letter was ones word against another, there was no verifiable proof to say for a certainty the friend who I had come to trust would commit such an act.
There were many things still needed to be cleared up and I was not willing to let either leave until it was settled. "There was also mention of you getting pretty angry at someone in Hlint who brought a goblin in by accident."
Eghaas and Lex’or began to discuss back and forth about this incident and I saw that Eghaas had in this instance been more human than elven in his patience with those who made a mistake.
"Eghaas...I have brought my fair share in by mistake trying to avoid confrontation with them to try to spare their life... It is not always intentional. If they follow me in though I will confront them... not everyone is as strong to do that though."
"Aye. The person explained that he was not aware of the goblin coming through. So I let the matter rest."
Speaking not in defense of his actions but as an Aeridinite, I felt almost as if I was scolding a child for a moment. Something I had never done before, maybe not scolding but explaining, "But I think we have to be very conscious of our tones as Aeridinites.
Lex’or though as is his right continued to press the issue. Trying to preach the tennants of his faith as his own interpretation and I could see that as much as Eghaas may have been pressing the goblin situation, Lex’or was pressing Eghaas. This was best to stop before it turned into something I was unable to contain.
So I asked Lex’or to hush, and interjected my own thoughts into this situation. Surprised by my own resolve and clarity of mind to bring my own thoughts to bear in the moment. I was surprised also what I had heard from both of them. They were certainly not acting like the Clerics of Aeridin, they claimed to be.
"There is one thing you both need to accept, I make my own choices of who I am friends with...whether you choose to agree with me or not. Those are issues you have to internally over come or live with, and I accept you may not agree, but that doesn't change my heart at all. Aeridin has graced me with friends from many walks of life... who may not always agree who I may not always even get along with. But isn't that my choice?"
I am not sure completely of the emotions behind Lex’or’s answer but he agreed. "aye...."
As well as Eghaas, although Eghaas responded a bit more softly. Making me hope I had not hurt his feelings.
"I remember that you will continue to be Zergon’s friend, and I accepted that." Eghaas further answered.
"There are both things about you that you have to look into your hearts and be willing to change because of two reasons. You want to and because Aeridin puts it upon your heart to do so.
Perhaps you two should both take time to reflect upon the Dogma and remember that is not always the letter of the dogma that you adhere to it is the spirit of it. It is your own hearts. And if you truly believe what you are saying and doing is walking the path he chooses you to walk, or if it just because of your own impatience and stubbornness."
I couldn’t help but to sigh in frustration, "But if either of you expects me to choose between you. I will walk off this island right now."
Eghaas answered her first. "I do not expect you to do anything Elohanna." And then Lex’or. "Hanna you make your own choices, and only you make them."
I couldn’t take much more but I felt a need to continue my stance. "I chose to leave Saida to come here because I had nothing left there. I came here to forge my own path and I have stumbled along the way. Neither of you can say you have not also."
"So the choice is between you two. Not me. I hope you two stay here and work this out... but I am tired. and thirsty and cold and wet and I am wanting to get some potions made."
Eghaas spoke up softly again. I wasn’t sure what he had to say but he slowly stood and handed me a few things that he had collected, knowing I could use them for the potions. I just needed to get things off my mind and my chest and felt the need at this point to simply accept from them both their gift of friendship. Lex’or also did the same in kind and before I left them to sit on the island, to either go their separate ways or actually try to work this out. I wished the both well.
I hope that they see neither of them are my enemies but this angst in my heart would not settle and I had finally had enough.
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