The World of Layonara
Character Development => Development Journals and Discussion => Topic started by: Interia_Discordius on January 26, 2007, 11:27:38 AM
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[There is a small memo book lying on the tavern table, next to a tall glass of some wine. There are designs of different armor styles, little notes written next to them. Her words are written in curly letters, accented by hearts and squiggles.] Daddy FINALLY let me out of Hlint and into the world!!! No one could possibly even imagine how absolutely pleased I was when he finally told me that, in the morning, he would let me explore on my own! All those years of pretending to be a stinking fighter and learning the lore of this world paid off~!
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I finally found Avar! Celith (Ears), Sol, and I were drinking in the tavern, and after Ears was done hugging the door and passing out in his room, Avar appeared out of nowhere at the table behind us sipping some drink. It scared me, actually, but I didn't make it noticeable...Plus, I was a little drunk myself, so I think my reaction was too slow to be seen. I hope. I forget where Sol went, but he left afterwards, and so I sat down to talk with Avar. I couldn't see in that dark hood of his, but people were right! He seems to be a very good rogue~! Elf boy Ears has good eyes, and even he didn't notice, so Avar had to be good! He told me my half-dressed armor outfit wouldn't do any good for hiding. He said it'd attract more attention. I didn't know monsters cared for any of that! I just like it in my travels with people~!
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I met Ferrit today when she was making business with a mage. Ears and I bought some armor and such from her. I never realized how difficult shopping was. I always thought you just bought whatever looked nice, not what was actually good for journeying! I still have a lot to learn...
I wonder if Ears likes me. Yesterday, he was running around chasing me after we killed some harpies trying to hug me or something. I really wasn't sure what to think...I kept running.
Hmm.
I met a ghosty person today. He was ANOTHER elf (Where are all the human men at?!). A cleric named Liatsh and I tried to help him find his grave. We accidentally stumbled onto a camp of goblins. That could have been a disaster, but none of us died, luckily. I don't know why I wrote that here. I guess keeping a track of my near deaths will keep me from actually dying. I really don't want to meet this Soul Mother everyone talks about.
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I'm still traveling, but for what, I'm beginning lose the point of...The constant killing, the looting, the flirting, it's all fine, but...What am I doing? My goal is to woo every man I ever meet, but it's all getting so dull. Everyone is the same. Everything is the same...I feel lost.
I keep myself going on the thought that I am getting stronger for the day I meet Avar again, to prove that I'm a willful girl, but will I ever see him again? I'm lost.
[Here the words are smeared and blurred from what was tears on the page.]
...Deaths of my friends and teammates make things no easier. I know there will be a day when they won't come back in their faded forms, and I know there will be a day when they are gone for good...When I will be gone for good. I cannot even bear the thought, much less the situation when it comes...
What am I doing? Where am I going?
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I found him! At long last, I finally found him! And of all places, at the crafting area of Hlint. Not sure why Hlint, but I found him~!
We had our little chat there, me sitting on the wooden floor by the poison table, and him working on something. He seemed a lot more pleased with my attire than before...It made me happy. I was worried he wouldn't like it again...I wonder why it matters what he thinks of me. It shouldn't. What other people thought never mattered...Oh well~
We walked out (with him hiding, so it was more like me walking with a ghost!) to Hlint, and just sort of sat down by the pawn shop and talked. The night was quiet, there weren't many people...It was calm and peaceful. Coupled with his mysteriousness, everything felt so right for once. I didn't understand the fluttering in my chest, nor the hope that was growing in me for my own journeys. The silence between our words was not awkward, but perfection.
Oh, listen to me...I sound like a woman in love. Hmph.
I didn't want him to go, but after some time there, he announced his having to leave. I followed him to the road, and he stopped me, asking me an odd question of whether I lost something or not...I didn't know how to respond, I wanted to tell him he had stolen my heart, the thief he was, but I kept silent and shook my head.
Avar...Stole my heart.
Is this what Daddy spoke of? Is this ... Love?
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It's been so hectic lately...
Up in Berhagen, in Shoufal, my team and I were attacked by this creature of ice...An ice elemental. I tried to get away, but with one hit of crackling ice and tremendous pain, I was knocked into darkness. I can't...Remember much in the darkness, but all I could remember was the sound of crackling and extreme cold. The touch of death...The sound of loss.
It's so hard to write about...It scared me. It really scared me.
The next thing I see is Tadashi bending over me, his concerned eyes worried, warm hands pulling me out of the snow. There was a gnome named Gimbo buried alive too, and to add, he was naked. That was... Frightening. I really didn't need to see a naked gnome.
The rest was rather a blur...I was sitting by the campfire, shivering violently, and lost in my own futile attempts to regain warmth.
Jakey and Tadashi took me to the Rof-whatever temple, where Judge Reus and the others worked on trying to save the gnome, later called Gimbo, and myself. They said that what I had was elemental poisoning, where I was exposed to pure elemental energy for a long amount of time. My entire skin was coated with ice, and no mere magic could wash it away. In that state of cold, I dozed in and out of consciousness for the next few days.
The next memory was of Judge Reus excitedly talking about a cure, and me dipping into a holy pool warmed by elemental fire. The ice retreated away, and I was so grateful, I cried. Never again did I want to feel that wretched ice touch my lovely skin...
I thought that would be the end of it, you know? It was quite a tiring thing to begin with, but when we returned to Berhagen some weeks later, what do you know? Ice storms and blizzards come crashing down into us. Ears automatically decides it's the ice elemental, and while I'm trying to keep my sanity, we all run back to the temple.
Seems like Mr. Gimbo, that odd and rather insane gnome, has more to do with the story than we expected...
To make a long story short, I met a swampy elemental, even talked to it, and Gruffy and Aiek found some spheres. We all think Gimbo is going around capturing creatures...That swamp elemental seemed outraged when I showed him the sphere. He almost killed me...
I think I should just learn to hide more, don't you, memo book~? I could vanish into the night where no one would ever find me again.
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Is being a rogue something to not be proud of? I speak my profession loudly and hold my head up high, but it seems it brings more trouble now than before...At least, now that I've gotten better. People change now that I tell them I'm a rogue. They back away and place their hands over their bags, no matter how much I tell them I won't steal from them. I'm a good rogue, I don't use my skills for evil! I clean out the wallets of the enemies my teams and I kill...It's not like those giants and such would be using that money anymore themselves!
I'm just confused...The guards don't trust me, and Garent always keeps a close eye on me when I'm around. I wish I could step back into the shadows and be gone, but whenever I try, people just find me again. I feel like a child playing a terrible game of hide and go seek, where the seeker is society laughing with pointy fingers, and I cannot hide...I'm hiding behind what is my truth while they seek me out with judgmental spears.
I want to hide correctly, forever.
How does Avar do it? I wish I could do what he does...
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I'm not as much of a flirt as I used to be. I guess we all get a taste of our own medicine, huh? It's more of a flirt to get love back situation, and it's giving me a bad situation to be in. I might ask Ozy sometime...He's lived thousands of years, he's gotta know about this.
I went to Dregar with Sallaron and the others. Sallaron seems to have an ale problem...Like that's his lady or something. Something in me is telling me to reach out and help him, but I know my heart will try another of its dumb stunts and get me into a worse problem. I'm so self-centered. I just went back and read what I wrote, and I realize how much I don't care what happens to other people...
Maybe this is my chance to make things different...
Hmm...I guess I may as well work on releasing my heart from its terrible prison...I'll always have a fascination with other rogues, especially Avar, but I can't let that mean anything to me. Someday, I'll be as good as them all, and when the day comes, I know I'll stop caring and being amazed as much. You're supposed to love the man, not what he can do.
I'm not convincing myself...
At least I know that time will do the work for me...
Until then, I know what I have to do, and that's help Sallaron.
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I caught up with Avar on my way to the Battle Fens with Daniel, Tath, Aeryn, and the others. I suppose it was a rather timely occurrence, seeing as my own mind was spinning its own daze and craze of lovely confusions.
Listen to me. I get soooo poetic when I'm hurt. Ugh. I could have been born a bard.
I guess all dreams do come to an end, right? I didn't say anything directly to him, I couldn't. I just preoccupied myself with gathering coins and items from the dead trolls while shooting glances up at him. It's not like he spoke to me...Well, or anyone else, for that matter. There had to have been a reason why he followed though. He didn't get any platinum or really seem to care about what he was doing. I wonder why he bothered to come.
I wish I talked to him. I feel like a fool. Can you blame me?? What's a girl to do?! "Hi, Avar, I hardly know you, but you're sooooo interesting!!"
Nuh uh. That doesn't work in the real world. In my mind, of course, it would. Anything would...Sadly, though, my thoughts aren't reality.
It's always better when it isn't real, it's always better when it isn't real. Let go, let go, let go...
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Been in Dregar a lot...Mainly with Czukay, Al, Hector, and Pyyran, but still, little ol' Hlint Hlint girl Kinai Kinsei is moving on! It's an exciting thought, although slightly saddening. I never really traveled much before, at least not far, and seeing this much of the world is amazing. I didn't even know there was this much!
Speaking of those guys...
Czukay is... Neat. Seems downright evil, but also neat. His little skull thing is frightening but neat. All in all, he's neat.
Al is a neat person too. Neat. Neat. Neat. I like that word. He really likes fire, and obviously burns himself with it too. He taught me how to howl, and now, I can't stop. Can't say that's the most healthy addiction ever, but it's just howling!
Hector is a rather anti-emotion sort of guy, I think...Not sure what to say about him, but he and Pyyran took care of me after we had been slaughtered in the Dark Forest though, so I can't complain.
Speaking of Pyyran...He's neat too. Nice guy, takes care of me, and seems to have a fancy with Karn. Never thought I'd see that coming.
Neat people in general.
Neat.
Uhh...I guess I'm just summing up to get to the good stuff.
Like Steel~!
Okay well...
Along my journey, I met up with a quiet tiefling named Steel. Actually, quiet is an understatement...Try downright silent. He speaks through gestures, though. I find him a little distant, but interesting. He expresses himself through ways any normal man wouldn't do, and as we both know, my dear memo book, I always go for the different...What do you think? I think it doesn't hurt to try. I have a chance with any man, as long as he doesn't have an evil lady's shadow hanging over him. Heh. Plus, he's nice to me and interacts somewhat more with me than with the others. I know that doesn't SOUND like much, but I think it is.
In the meantime, I'll do the usual...Travel, draw, travel, sing, sleep, travel, flirt, flirt, flirt...And think of ways to woo my new fancy.
Hmm. I don't think Steel's such a bad idea. Tiefling or not.
'Course, anybody reading this would think I've lost my mind.
Maybe I have.
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Tathy helped me out in my little dilemna over if dating a tiefling was a good idea or not. Said that love is free and such... Of course, he also helped me realize just how little I know of Steel. I never heard him speak, seen him without his helm, or really know what he likes and what he doesn't. I guess maybe it's just his company I enjoy right now.
Speaking of company, I wonder if I should go back to being with Lex'or and them. Lately, my group's consisted of people like Skabot, Farros, and Czukay. Now, don't get me wrong, I love them all, but...They tend to influence me in ways that don't feel quite right. Ever since I've been with them, I've been a little colder to my teammates, and...Things that shouldn't be funny are. Like earlier when Pyyran and my teammates were killed while I hid in the darkness and survived? Why was that funny to me? Death isn't supposed to be funny, but I just couldn't stop laughing...
Czukay gave me a jar of scabs gathered from the feet of his enemies. It honestly creeps me out, but I can't seem to stop playing with the thing! I spin it, I toss and catch it in the air, I stare at it. I promised to find him something equally, if not more, disgusting as a ... Thank you gift? I might get him a bunch of giant's eyeballs and keep some rotten flesh for him...I think I've completely lost my mind now. I mean, listen to me! Ah!
Oh well...Get a gift, you get something back for them.
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I gave Czukay a jar of giant's eyeballs. Seemed to have pleased him...Still not sure what I'm doing, or why I actually went out and collected that many eyeballs. I mean, it's actually disgusting, yet it didn't bother me at all. Nor did I cringe when he mashed them up and stuck them into his skull. The smell made me gag, but the actual action? No...
I'm worried. I'm really worried. The things Czukay and the others do should make me feel sick inside, yet why doesn't it? I always lived a life of a rebel with my daddy, sneaking out and breaking into things, but this is different. This is pure corpse defiling and destroying...There's no excuse for that, is there?
Either way...
Czukay is nice to me, believe it or not. He offered me some items and such, and although I knew he didn't need them, it's nice to know I have someone tough looking after me. He makes a good friend.
I met up with Steel later on, and we went on a walk through the outskirts of Fort Velensk. Took on some trolls and such...I asked him if he could talk, and he nodded, obviously saying yes. I was surprised, to say the least. How can anyone be able to talk yet not want to? That was a weird thought to consider...
We sat down later in the Dire Woods under the clouded remains of a sky and "talked." He doesn't take off his helm at all, despite my curiosity and questions, and he seemed more interested in my hat than his helm...I don't know. I want to know what's beneath that helm. One of the Hlint Hlint people mentioned him having blue skin.
Suffice to say, my curiosity is VERY piqued.
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People don't seem to like me talking to Czukay...
It's just, when I pass another of my friends when I'm traveling with Czu Czu, they all look at me funny and, well, they have questions for me later on. Why do you travel with him, how can you stand him, why do you think he's so cool? Blah blah blah...It was nice to know that people cared before, but now I just want to scream. There's something so easy about Czu Czu that makes following him around Dregar and such comfortable. No strict rules, no judgment, no awkwardness...He has a way of making you feel completely and totally welcome. So what if he's "evil?" If that's what evil is, outside of his hobbies of eating dead things, what's so wrong with it? We all kill, don't we? What's the difference between whether you blatantly state that you like it or not when, deep down inside, you're doing it because you, somewhere, enjoy it.
Oh, my dear paper pages and curly letters, I wish you could speak back. You wouldn't judge me... The men and women of Hlint Hlint and beyond do though. They look at me with their strange and inquiring gazes, and I feel like a newborn baby under their devouring stares of opinion...
It's just, I've tried sneaking past them before, but if I can see them, they can usually see me. I hate how that all works out. If only I could vanish and, well, just deny ever having being there...It'd be like, "Oh, Kinai, were you with Czukay earlier?" And I'd give THEM that funny and judgmental gaze and go, "What are you talking about, lovely? I wasn't even near Dregar...Best stay away from the ale, maybe."
Oh, a girl can dream.
And the best part is, if I can learn what Avar did with his vanishing, it won't just be a dream. It would be reality!
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10 soul strands on the wall, 10 soul strands, take one day, pass it around, 9 soul strands on the wall.
I've lost three total now. With each loss, I feel slightly more faint, and the pull of the Soul Mother's eyes feels stronger. It's scary, and it gives me a sensation of wanting to close my eyes and let her take my soul for good. I can't imagine how it feels when you drop below 5 soul strands...
I helped Czu Czu with his marketing technique a little. Advised him that maybe running around with a bloody and flaming skull wouldn't bode well with the customers. I wonder how his sales are doing now... Hopefully better, anyhow.
I myself am working on baking a little...When I'm good enough, I'll be able to make a lot of wines and beers and such and food for the friends. It's an exciting thought! Probably take a while, though. I'm still burning Barley in the ovens, although not as much as before... It'll be worth it!
Turns out I'm about 50k in debt, too. Greaaaat. Guess I'll be gambling for a long time to pay THIS one off. I hope the stuff I bought will be worth it though...Seems so far, but the adamantium kukris is what I'm fidgeting uncomfortably for. I'm dying to use them.
Ahh, the life of a little ol' Hlint Hlint girl.
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I'm honestly getting sick of people asking me if I'm a Xeenite. No, I'm not, I don't have a deity...At least, not yet.
I spoke with a guy named Deon a while ago, and he had explained to me a little about the Lady of Pain and Pleasure. Coupled with a little of what he said, it's making me wonder if that's the right way to go. I wear the Xeenite style clothes, I drink their wine, I switch from kukris to the whip at times... You know, why not?
We'll see...I'll talk to my friends, and if they're alright with it, I'll actually consider it. For now, it's more of a dancing thought on the edge of my mind.
Speaking of dancing, I had to dance around Lex'or's questions and the others' inquiring gazes. We found a skull on a stick down in Dregar's Forest of Mists caves, and I wanted to take it and give it to Czu Czu since he seems to REALLY like skulls. Well, seems like the paladin and the clerics didn't much appreciate me wanting it...They guessed my intentions and decided to destroy it. Why would you destroy a perfectly good piece of loot, evil or not? That could still fetch a good price somewhere!
Ugh.
Either way, I pretended to be scared of it and shivered, and it seemed to have worked...Although I wonder if Lex'or saw through me. Petey, err, Czu Czu's skull never really bothered me, oddly enough. It did at the beginning, but as long as it never came near my feather on my hat, I just ignored it. I guess it's because I know Czu Czu wouldn't hurt me with it, and because when I died he didn't do his usual ritual with my blood.
People need to accept me for who I am!
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I met Deon again, and I expressed how I was interested in Xeen. He talked to me a bit about it, and I'm seriously considering it now. I think it'd be interesting...Living life to its fullest and such. Be better than always not knowing what I'm doing. I don't know though... Seems a little TOO much fulfillment, if you ask me. We'll see.
I ran into Steel and finally was able to join in on the fun in the Leilon Arms tavern. Drank Dwarf's Head ale and stuff...Met Kali. She seems nice, but it makes me feel uncomfortable that I can't really talk to Steel when all those people are there with us. It's odd...I never feel bashful, but being with him makes me a different person. I can't figure out if that person is good or bad yet. I do trust him, though...Wish I could get to know him better.
Not much going on otherwise, to say the least... I also talked to Aeryn, who seems a little confused and heartbroken himself. I hope he'll be alright. He's a nice elf.
Uhh...Cooking is getting better now. As soon as I find out where to find brewer's yeast, I'll start making ale...
...
...
I'm too sad to write. I keep thinking about Steel and missing what I know of him.
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I spoke with Lex'or and Talia some time ago about love, loss, pain, and current dilemnas. It seems all three of us are going through some form of confusion or chasing game. Lex'or's being tricked left and right, Talia is getting sick of men and love, and I'm getting tired of doing all the work to get to know Steel. It was a sort of enlightening conversation, us sitting around the fire and just talking, but I can't say it helped too much...All of us are still stuck, it seems.
Later on, Czu Czu and the others and I ran into Hector. The boy is losing his mind... And he's also convinced himself that I'm the fattest thing he's ever seen. I'm not fat, am I? I don't think I am...Nor does anyone else. I guess it's alright then. I just hate hearing it! I dislike Hector with a passion, but his delusional state of mind is getting worse. I can't wish for him to go insane, but I can't care enough to help him. I hope he finds his sanity sometime soon, though.
Moving on...
[A drawing of a sleeping Steel on a couch is at the top of the page, a small sketch of a warm fireplace and a bit of the inside of the Leilon Arms enhancing the drawing.]
Kali's toga party was a blast today, although I sensed a sort of tenseness from some people lingering below the air of wine and food...It bothers me slightly how we all drank, as if we were erasing problems more than having fun. I can't blame them for it though, I think a part of me was trying to stop the incessant thoughts myself...It's painfully difficult to always be worried about how you look, what others think, and your own issues...
Steel looked peaceful himself in the corner of the Arms, curled up in front of the fire. I used him as a pillow about twice, just wishing I could wake him up and admit to him how I feel. I admitted to Ranewin and Grote when I was leaning against the couch though, so I hope he was faking sleep that time and he actually heard me...But that'd be too easy, wouldn't it?
Krys is being a big help though. He's offering suggestions and is setting up Steel's travels so we all run into each other...Definitely makes it so it's not like I'm chasing after him all the time or something. I really do appreciate his help, but I do hope it amounts to something. I can't handle doing this forever.
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The shadows entranced me today in the Forest Giant Cave...I'm not sure why. There was something about the way the magical spells were casting those dancing shades upon the wall that made me stop and stare. It was amazing.
I see why rogues and shadowdancers stick to the shadows so much instead of running out through the open. I personally enjoy both just as much, although now I find myself using darkness as a benefit I did not quite see before. With the knowledge of who I want to spend time with the most, and who my friends are, I find simply walking through the crowds unseen and listening to their conversations just as entertaining as picking those subjects and being the center of attention.
It grows on you, really. I don't think you start out liking it as much as you do once you get used to it. Now I see why Avar is always hidden...I might be that way someday too.
I know what I want to do now though for myself, and that is to totally and completely master the darkness...And make it mine.
I think I'll be spending more time writing in my notepad on how to become better, and save my girlish fantasies for a time when I have nothing better to do. My focus in life should be my blades, my skills, and myself...As much as I care for Steel, I can't let myself lose myself.
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A shadow caught me off-guard in the desert, and as it stared down at me with its dead eyes, me challenging it defiantly with my own, it spoke to me. It knew of my desire to be a shadowdancer, and it knew how much I sought for that potential to become the perfect one. It's hoarse voice whispered how something was watching, watching me... It was unnerving, and before I could ask what was watching, it bled away into the air, vanishing...I want its power, I want to be able to summon them to my will, and...
I want to be a shadowdancer. I've been practicing so much more now, vanishing and appearing, eavesdropping...Everything and anything to get better. I have to get better. I never settled for second best, and I won't start settling for it now.
Speaking of settling, Steel and I settled ourselves out in a town before North Point watching a small waterfall. He actually spoke to me then, and his voice was rich and powerful. I was amazed...He spoke of someone he referred to as Him, saying how he would teach the fatherless and widows, the outcasts and scorned, to become a force to be reckoned with. He was cryptic, I didn't necessarily understand what he meant when he said that He had given him His task...But either way, he has a point, a goal, and I admire him for that.
I wanted to tell him so badly how I felt, but I knew deep down inside it wasn't the right time...I stayed quiet, although because of my everlasting mouth and speak before think issues, I ended up nearly telling him anyways. I really hope he didn't catch it.
The children are all that matter, he says...It sort of hurt, but at least he has his priorities set. I wonder if he ever spares any time for himself. I wonder if he'll ever feel something for me, like how I feel for him.
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Rayenoir and Avar are both amazingly fun to watch...Their shadow slinking is becoming more familiar to me as I observe them, and although I can't completely do as they do, I'm trying. I vanish a few moments before them, appear behind the enemy as they do. I'm not sure if they realize I'm following the strategy they were able to know inherently, but I hope either way, I'm doing it correctly.
I've been thinking about what the shadow summon had said to me, the whole watching me thing...Feeling strangely calmer at night now because of it. The normal person would most likely feel paranoid, but I guess I'm not that normal after all. Magic, darkness, insanity...It's all so enchanting to me. I feel flattered that something of greater power than myself would keep its eyes on me, that it would assist me in my goal to become one with the unseen.
Sleep has become an odd sensation since a while ago...Instead of waking up and feeling refreshed, smiling brightly at my teammates, I wake up enshrouded by the shadows, as if during my stillness, they had come over and covered me like a blanket. I feel protected, yet somewhat frightened at its occurrance. I guess I'm getting a little better at hiding, to the point where I'm doing it unconsciously.
It may be best if I find Avar or Rayenoir somehow and see if they can help me hone my skills to a sharp point. That's probably what will be best...
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My fingers have a life of their own, it seems...
Before, I was only ever worried about the usual roguey issues. You know, like accidentally snatching something off the table, keeping a few [hundred] jinks, forgetting to give something back...It wasn't too big of a deal, especially because once I noticed I went about to get it back. It wasn't something like, permanent. I paid attention to the problem, but I didn't sweat over it.
But recently, out in the deserts of Dregar, they went overboard...
Skabot and the others were spell-casting, and I guess confusion hit me or some sort, and all of a sudden a huge ambush of giants fell upon me. My team vanished, and all I could do was keep hacking away at them as they surrounded me, staring with their beady little eyes...They kept repeating my name, and as a giant fell, one grabbed me by my wrists from behind. I screamed, squeezing my eyes shut, struggling.
When I opened them again, I was surrounded by my angry teammates, mostly yelling at me over what had got into my head...I tried to tell them the giants had attacked me, and as I looked from their faces, I caught sight of blood...
My gaze, almost with a life of their own, followed the drips to the body of a lifeless ZupZup. I gasped in horror, the kukris dropping from my hands. They fell with a soft thud as I tried to take in what had happened. I had killed someone, a fellow teammate...
I couldn't believe myself...I had murdered a friend.
The others, after realizing I was put under a confusion spell, tried to cheer me up. Talia brought ZupZup back to life and Zack, another victim of my knives, healed himself. They tried to explain that it wasn't my fault, that it was alright, but I knew better than that...My hands were acting on their own will and I couldn't do a thing about it.
Nowadays, as I sit here and write this, I am sure of it. They get itchy, almost as if someone had placed ants under my skin, and I want to pickpocket someone or kill something. It's terrible...I can't handle it, and yet I have no way to bring it up with anyone. The ever-watching eyes of darkness must understand, they must know what's going on with me...
I think it's time I set aside my blades and seek out the help of a fellow rogue. Perhaps, in the meantime, I can find a mentor shadowdancer. I can't put others in danger with this growing curse of my rogue hands.
And I pray to the gods that they get no worse.
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I wrote a poem in my brief time in Haven...I'll have to tell it to the others sometime.
The Little Kinai
By, of course, Kinai Kinsei
Once upon a time, a rogue girl was born.
Something her father, a fighter, would greatly scorn.
He disliked the thief's path, said it strange.
And frowned as his daughter snatched all that was in range.
He scolded her, said dearest, you must fight with pride!
So the little girl said yes, father, and smirked as she lied.
She trained as a warrior and spit behind is back,
For a good eye and smart mind, he sure did lack.
For years she lived this way, with sneak and sword,
But found soon that she was growing very, very bored.
Ever since a child, her fingers had an itch...
To be strong, to be famous, to be known, to be rich.
And to cure this scratch, she set out on her path...
To prove to the men, a lady has just as much wrath!
The tingle in her digits slowed down quite well,
Until one day, in a desert, all hope fell.
Confusion was beset upon her lovely mind,
Giants and ogres around her, was all she could find.
So she swung and she fought, attacked and spit,
Fought as best as she could, she threw quite a fit!
Until her teammates' awakened her with a mournful cry,
And someone whispered, you killed them, with a final sigh...
She gasped in horror, fell to her knees,
Said no, this can't be, make it stop, please!
But she had killed her friend, and his blood soaked the ground,
She realized that it was friends, not giants, that did surround...
And so, feeling ashamed, she set out on her life,
Not to be rich or famous, but to cure that terrible strife...
For she felt a curse was set upon her, on her little rogue nails,
And as she thought about it, her face, it did quite pale.
Instead of killing and stealing to ease the pain,
She had to find a shadowdancer and have them make her sane.
For untrained skills don't go a long way,
Most likely turn on you, if you wait for the right day.
So this little girl Kinai set out with a plan,
To stop the dreadful itch, and along the way, perhaps, find the right man.
-
I'm in debt to Magus Del'Mar since I bought an iron and adamantium kukri from him...Everyone is saying he's the worst guy to be in debt to, and I have a sinking feeling they're right. He's a scary, intimidating man...I mean, what kind of guy has spiders crawling all over him?! He didn't even seem to notice when I froze up...
I don't have a huge debt though, just 7,500 jinks left. I can already pay it off, but, err...
I made a terrible mistake with my word choices. I said I'd do whatever he asked for, carelessly thinking only about bringing items or jinks, and he took it as being WHATEVER he wanted. I just sealed my own fate, I think. Either way, I hope he's kind with what he asks for...My heart is pounding just thinking about it.
In a few days, I'll be visiting him again to pay off the debt. I just hope he forgets about my little trip in words. He's too scary to argue with!
-
I was walking with Pyyran and talking to him about Steel when he referred to him as Coin. I was absolutely confused, and when I asked for him to explain, he simply shrugged and said that was how he had introduced himself to him. Which makes me wonder...Why would Steel, err, Coin, do that? Curiosity's gotten its little grip on me, so I'm going to be trying to figure it out, I know. Time to Steel the meaning of Coin! Tee hee. I feel so clever when I do that.
In the meantime, I'm still continuing my search for shadowdancers. The itch is constant, the fascination remains, and the self-training is painful. I really hope that I find myself someone who can teach me...
No luck in finding Magus Del'Mar, either. I wonder where he and his half-giant slave went off to. I really don't like this debt hanging over my head.
-
I grow stronger every day in my adventures, and as I learn the art of hiding, I also learn the art of dancing. As the name states Shadowdancer, I feel I have to learn both. Although Daddy trained me in strength, I know I must learn dexterity as well. I cannot always rely on my arms, which grow weakened after several battles. I have to learn to sidestep, tumble, leap, and move. It is a dance with the dying, doomed, and dead. Pyyran had said something similar to Shiffy, and so I take what lessons I remember him speaking, and apply it to my own training.
And so I continue my training, and, for a moment in time, I can tell myself I am getting so much better. I can't say that often, either way...My "best" is to become a shadowdancer, and as close as I am, I feel so far.
Distance can be a problem, whether it be a mental or social distance. Speaking of, I always feel a slight uncomfortable distance from Steel. I do like him (quite a lot, in fact), but I wonder if I'll have a chance with him. I know I can't be losing hope though because he talks to me now. I just wish it wasn't so difficult sometimes! I'm content with not bothering him about what he looks like under the mask while his voice is still a fresh and new thing, but I know the curiosity will come back again when I've gotten used to actually speakng with him. I do hope though that he can trust me well enough at that point to go about it himself. I don't think harassing people for things like that gets you very far.
...I could always just sneak the helm off! Tee hee...
Nah, I wouldn't do that.
I'm glad he's opening up to me though, as slow as it's going. Maybe someday, we'll know each other's full stories.
I look forward to that someday...
-
I met another shadow in the Haven mines while going down there with Steel and some others. The whole place is haunted, I swear, but I can't forget about that shadow. The way it hid, the way it moved, EVERYTHING! I'm going to be like that one day. I'm going to induce a sort of oddly suspicious yet incredibly intriguing feeling!
But...
Ozy told me that I don't really have the right attitude to walk the path of the Shadowdancer...I guess he's right. I'm really not that mysterious all the time. I mean, I can be, and I do it sometimes, but I don't find a reason to be mysterious around my friends. I suppose that's what I should consider, though. Being only myself amongst my friends and learning the art of the unknown for the public's eye...I wouldn't like it at first, but it's another game, right? To live is to play! I can be just as compelling and interesting by keeping an aura of the unknown around me.
I think that's what I'll do though. Change of heart, learn the silence, master the dance, and become the shadow.
Kinai Kinsei, shadowdancer extraordinaire...
-
Mystery, movement, control, knowledge...The four keys to becoming a shadowdancer. To have the aura of the unknown, to sneak unseen, will and focus, and the smarts of the shadows. The itch of my hands are not a burden, but an enlightenment. It does not control me, but I it. With that supposed flaw, I focus and make it my blessing. The drive to steal and kill will be manipulated into the art of hidden death.
The one true conversation I've had with Dur'Thak, and already, he's taught me this much. A simple standing around Corax Lake, and he opens my eyes to what I can be. It isn't just about the keys, as important as they are, but the mindset in which you have to enter. There has to be a gate for them to open...I've thought about it a lot after he told me, and I've fought back the urge to scratch at my raw and torn fingers. From now on, the pain and scars will serve as a reminder of where I should concentrate. It is no longer a matter of just watching.
I feel so serious, yet I know this is how it's meant to be. This isn't like being a rogue. This involves the supernatural...You can't joke and josh about that. Dur'Thak has pointed to where I should go, something no one else has bothered to do, and I would be a fool not to listen. Focus, focus, focus.
I wish I could thank that tiefer. He's changed my life with that one word...
[A blood drop is at the bottom of the page, most likely from an open scab wound from her hand.]
I am my own master. My path will be carved by the same hands which have cursed and saved me.
-
I'm worried for Czu Czu. He met the Soul Mother in the Rifts for the sixth time, the echoing scream of her sadistic happiness echoing throughout the caverns as he fell. He seemed so upset about it when we met up again, and there was nothing I could do. I hate that part of people being sad. I don't personally care about others often, and when I do care about them, it's painful to watch them go through things like that. We all handle grief in our own way, I know that, but it makes it no easier...I just wanted to help cheer him up somehow.
After Czu Czu walked away, his faded figure vanishing into the distance, I asked Dur'Thak to walk with me back to Hurm. I couldn't read any expression because of his mask, but he followed along. The night was so quiet and peaceful, yet my own death plagued me, and concern tore at my mind. It was to the point where I brought it up with Dur'Thak. He understands death too well, it seems. As he chipped away at oysters, looking for those beautiful pearls, he explained to me about moving on, the abyss that creates an itch for himself, and of course, reminding me what was truly important. To focus. He told me not to feel so alone, and I don't anymore. We are both plagued with our own strange drive to kill, and he knows well the ways about it. I will learn a lot from him.
We took the boat back to Leilon, where chilly winds and salty air greeted us. He lead me to a house, it seems he lives there too, and showed me to a portal where we blitzed (I think I used that correctly). I wonder if he leaves the door unlocked. I doubt it, but it'd shorten a very long walk to Hlint Hlint.
Back in my hometown, he mentioned wanting to show me a place, and with a minor lag in our walk when I ran to the garden and snatched up a rose, we headed out north. It was a direction in which I didn't take often, but admit to liking. It's a quiet little stroll through some pretty areas, and it all leads up to the High Forest.
Halfway through the walk, Dur'Thak asked me about the wounds on my hands. I forgot to mention that the itch had a manifestation, and explained to him how badly I scratched at them. He studied my palms, rubbed raw with scabbed over gashes, and told me to wait. He made me some sort of earthy mix, added in a potion, and said that I was to gently squeeze it...Yet as he handed it to me, I saw his own hands were badly burnt. Celestia, he said, had done that to him.
It seems all of us so-called heroes are nothing more than victims of our own adventuring...Some of us just choose to view their mishaps as additional wisdom. I think that's what Dur'Thak does, and that's what I also need to do.
Did I mention that the High Forest's Harmony Grove is by far one of the most beautiful sights? The sprawling trees reaching up to the heavens, the insects and birds chirping and singing in a hidden place, the solace of it all...I love it. I absolutely adore it. I couldn't believe my ears when Dur'Thak admitted to not being there in a long time.
...Hmm, I'm sure writing a lot. I guess he makes me think. Moving on.
Sometime during our conversation, he asked me what I had called an elf ranger we had styxed. I told him I tagged them Ear Men, feeling slightly silly saying it. We had a little laugh over that. The talk got around to appearances, and I got him to take off his helm. It was the first tiefling I had ever actually orbed, so I was a bit taken aback. Infernal, red eyes, sharp canines, long teeth, and ears that could have looked elven...Mutilated and cut. Balor and elven. I guess I'm a lucky one, he said he doesn't show his face often. I personally thought he looked rather cute, although I didn't say that. Something told me he might not have liked hearing that.
The darkness fell around us, snow later joining in its tumbling, and I giggled as Dur'Thak tasted a snowflake. The conversation went back around to the eternal itch, and he said he had something I could focus on to avoid the habit. He took out something, and as I thought it would be similar to tinkering tools or sewing, he showed me a red rose. I accepted it, feeling a playful smile cross my face. Our differences and unknowings make us both uniquely naive. I had to explain to him what rose meant to a primer. I can't say I know for sure how he felt about that particular situation.
I still carry everything he's given to me...The wisdom of his words, the earthy mix which I use every now and then to speed up my hands' healing, and that rose - the first one, I think he said, he ever picked and... Or? ...Saw. One of the two. I was too preoccupied with the fact it was a rose!
I'm such a dreamer...Yet I wonder if any of my dreams will ever come true.
In the end, I know I'll be talking to Dur'Thak every chance I get.
-
Dur'thak shared a dark with me while I was going on with the cant. He mentioned that he knew of gypsies that were familiar with a place where the living shadows walk. He said they had a hidden camp at one point out in Lake Palden, and that if they return, I can speak with them for the first step in my ultimate destiny. Leaving a warning in my mind that I must go alone, he said that if they gave me the deep dark, he'd be my Adam.
Yet, as with anything I've ever wanted in my life, it would not be easy. For once though, that's fine. This is to be the one of the greatest chapters in my life! Shouldn't it be grand and filled with adventures and wonder? I'm going to be a shadowdancer! I'll have many a date with death and I'll simply prace away. Nah nah nah nah nah nah, you can't catch me...1, 2, 3, hide and go seek. Olly olly oxenfree. You can't find me.
I'd sacrifice anything to be one with the shadows. Even my humanity. This is my path...Nothing will deny me.
Eenie meenie minie mo, catch a rogue girl by her toe. If she hides, it will stay so...Eenie, meenie, minie mo. My daddy raised the very best one, and I am it.
-
I honestly think it so cute when people believe they know what "insanity" truly is. How can one judge another to have lost their minds when they clearly don't know the depth of it? Actions speak louder than words, but they do not state everything. In fact, the statement actions make are usually misinterpreted. What do they know?
I'm a Hlint Hlint girl. I can't say I'm proud of it, but the one great pro about being a local is that you have ears. They're hidden all over town, listening for you when you can't hear for yourself. Add a mouth with those ears, and they'll come to you and tell you. The news today? Stark raving madness.
[There's an ink blotch next to madness, as if she had pressed the quill against the parchment too hard in her anger. Skipping a few blank lines to avoid the splotch, she continues.]
It's just, yes, I know everyone thinks Czu Czu and his gang have all lost their mind, but sheesh! Who cares? I can handle my blood being sloshed about in Petey 'cause whenever he collects it, I'm dead anyhow, and if his diet bothers someone, they should just learn to ignore it. Why does everyone insist on stating their opinion on how he goes about in his life? I highly doubt he's going to change for THEM. I've noticed that, actually. No one can keep their lips sewn shut when a thought hits their mind. Oh, let's forget how rude it is, let's just shout it at them! They can't possibly have feelings!
You know, I've never seen him upset about it, but we all do have feelings. We are the living, and the living are capable of some emotion. We may deny, but they exist. Either way, upsetting someone is a chance, and a person's disregard for that chance angers me greatly. I don't understand why no one bothers to consider that.
-
She writes quietly in her pretty spot in Lake Palden, pausing to admire the flowers and flowing water around her. Closing her eyes, a slight smile touches her face. Re-opening them, her green eyes speckled with brown observes what she has written so far. A glimmer touching those orbs, she continues writing, her quill dancing on the parchment.
I feel at peace with myself. For once, the turmoil in my soul has calmed. When he told me he didn't want to lose me, something silenced, and the ever-crying scream of acceptance ceased. I wanted to laugh and hug him and kiss him, but I held myself back. I've told him my secrets, and I've traveled with him often, but I'll wait for him to make the move. I'm too quick for most people...It's better this way, and it's better for me to keep his name out for now. I've written enough names in here, and his matters too much for me to pen down just yet. When it's for certain, I'll write it. I promise...
So much is making sense to me now though. I've spent so much effort winning over the hearts of men completely opposite from me when someone so like me was so close. He's caring, silly, outgoing, and fun...He's perfect for me, and whenever our gazes linger upon anothers, my heart races. He might even like me, although the assumption makes it more difficult to keep my everlasting mouth shut.
I'm obsessed with this emotion. I want to touch it and hold it like the gods and angels, but I can't. I can't breathe it, see it, or hear it, but I can touch it. It's like the soul of a song, the warmth of a fire, the grasp of a baby upon a mother's finger. Like the tear of inner joy, the laughter of a girl, and a loving kiss shared between the blessed. Love. No wonder no one can explain it...It's elusive and too unque.
An intoxication of the heart...And I'm caught in its grasp.
This time, I am for certain.
-
It's been so long since I've gotten about to writing in this ol' accursed journal! It's hard when you're trying to find a ruby or an emerald! (In the meantime, I'm working on tanning, cutting gems, and gathering goods.) You see, I'd always like those pretty rocks for myself, but the main reason why I'm so hell-bent on finding one is because I want to give it to Krys! He's the man I spoke about earlier. I adore that guy!
My whole smart-ness feeling is currently gone...Been awake for sooooo long. I just didn't want to forget there was anything to say. Err. Something to say, yup yup!
Krys and I might buy a house soon...We just have to hunt a LOT to be able to make all that jink. That's fine though, I love traveling with Krys. I love him!
E ceela aey. That's the word!
...I'm too cheerful for my own good sometimes. Maybe I'll be able to write something a little more "intellectual" later!
For now, sleep calls, and I'm tired of focusing to keep the itch at bay. It's time to call it a night...
-
I borrowed a mahogany bow from Czu Czu in his house in Haven today! Walking in there gave me a twinge of sorrow at the fact I haven't seen him in a while. I wonder how he's doing, where he's gone. From how the others talk, it sounds like he's disappeared! I hope not. I'd be sad. He's one of my best friends, he can't be gone!
Krys and I are hunting more for silver and jinks. We need it for the house we're going to buy someday! He's so pleasant, making my day so much better if it had gone rough. He understands me and cares for me more than anyone else, and I hope he knows I feel the same way with him. I'm going to take up some tradeskills, I think, so I can help more offhand when he's not about.
Speaking of...
Tanning isn't the most painless thing to do, by the way. Dipping my hands in those acids really isn't a pleasant to do. Not to mention it makes my scars and scratches burn! It'll be a pretty satisfying job though, I think, in the long run. It will take a while to begin though, sadly.
I wish I had more to say...I wonder where Dur'Thak is. I need to talk to him about the gypsies or something. I have to begin my journey. Something in me calls for it.
Or at least, the shadows are calling to me...
-
It's hard to forgive myself for the stupid mistake I made with Daralith, telling him those words "Anything you want." It made so much unnecessary complications, and although before I managed to avoid him...
To make a long story short, Krys learned. Even through his usual serene demeanor, I could tell it was eating away at him. I tried to convince him out of confronting him, I honestly tried, but it was in vain. He was hell-bent on talking to Daralith about it...
Cire, a brownie I had rescued some time ago, hopped along inside around then, and we dropped the conversation. I would have argued with him till my eyes bled, but I knew it wouldn't work either way. Maybe it's because Krys figured things about it already...I know I can't. My mind just can't wrap itself around how much Daralith can really do. What would a person ask if they could get anything? What would he ask?
In this case, is ignorance bliss?
When light and darkness took its turns for the next few days, Krys and I walked to the pretty spot in Haven and sat down to talk about it between tiny sips of ale and bites of delicious food. I enjoyed the scenery and such, but...There was something he wanted to say, and it left a bitter taste in the back of my throat as I waited in anxiety.
He summarized this as kindly as he could, stating things offhand like the whole situation wasn't exactly life-threatening. He had talked to Del'Mar, he said, and in exchange for the release of the debt, he would fight him in the arena. Daralith had other ideas though, and although he agreed the fight in the arena would free me despite the outcome, if Krys lost, he would lose a strand of his soul to Daralith. A strand that the Soul Mother would never get her grimy hands upon.
I cried, raged, was in a shock to say the least. Why would he do that? I would prefer to be Daralith's slave than ask Krys to sacrifice a part of himself for me, but he wouldn't hear any of it. He's so quick...I was still getting over asking what he was going to do about the arena fight and he himself doesn't even seem to be considering any of the battle. Something along the lines of getting out of the fight before it begins...But he isn't talking about running away. I'm positive of that...
My gods, what have I done though? Krys... He's saving everything I call my own. He's saving me...More than he ever has before.
I just wish the act of heroism wasn't needed. To the underworld with my everlasting mouth!
-
"Appearances, lass." Hiding the ultimate truth behind a shield of tricks. A joke all to oneself. Covering everyone's eyes and letting only a half-smile betray your intentions. I'm having fun, but you can't know about it!
Life is fleeting, he teaches, it's all about what's enjoyable. Good, evil, it's all an illusion. What black and white are become shades of complex grays...It's not religion or another's say that separates these, but yourself. Good and evil are nothing...Right and wrong is the way. Perceptions become deceptive and confusion rules the mind when following another's exact life on what is holy and what is rotten. You are your own master. Walk your own path.
He mentioned fighting dirty to win too. I can't say I'd willingly pull off some of those tricks though unless my life was in danger, but some of them? Oh, I do some of them all the time. I'm a rogue, for heaven's sake! It's second nature to fight dirty! I think I lived a lot by Shadon's "code" for a long time...I guess I'm just waking up to it now. I've thought about Shadon ever since I've started talking to Hawk...I think it's the right way to go.
I'm sort of looping on the writing about the deity because I'm trying to keep my mind off of Dur'Thak. Gods, I've never cried so hard in my life. So many secrets in my head... I can't write them down. I can't risk breaking my trust with Dur and Hawk and anyone else who I gave my promise not to tell about. Darks in my brain-cage all locked up...
My everlasting mouth is beginning to obey now. I listen too, I keep what I hear. Daralith has sharpened what I have of a mind into a point, like a dagger. With Dur'Thak's guidance and Hawk's wisdom, my eyes are opening. All within, going without the spilling of cant. I'm more alert now, although NO ONE will ever know. They think I'm just a floozy fool...Well, not anymore. What was once true, now a disguise. I'll carve it into my wrist to keep from forgetting things if I have to.
Mystery, the air of unknowing...No. These are the tools of a plain shadowdancer. I was never plain! Unlike Hawk, I will always care about what people say and think. In thought lies the weakness.
I'll only drop my mask around the people who I really care about and who really know me. The others? They can make me a forgetful idiot in their minds all they want! I'll be laughing inside.
Daralith, you're creating a monster of me, but maybe it was needed. Do you know what you're dealing with? I don't think you realize...But may the best monster win, berk.
-
Pain, I can't get enough...
Dur'Thak's talk of why his armor was so spiky made me realize something of my own outfit...The neck piece. I reached up and touched one of the spikes on there gently, and a sort of dread filled my heart. He does it so he won't be touched, and I think something in me did it for the same reason too. I know why, but I can't admit it to myself yet. I refuse to.
In the meantime, I'm on the edge of my nerves. There's so much on my plate right now... Daralith, Krys' odd behavior, Tadhg's mean words about me being some betraying snake in the grass (that isn't true, is it?!), and the itch in my hands continues. I swear, if Dur'Thak hadn't distracted me by showing me his tail, I would have lost my mind.
Taddy's words are just... Painful, you know? No one likes to hear things like that being said to them or about them. He doesn't get it... He really doesn't... And he made me rage, too! I ticked Dur'Thak off and so I wanted to apologize by giving him a gem, and while he was distracted by an aasimar's book thing, Tadhg just ran up and snatched it!
Then the kukris went into my hand and I was warning him to drop it.
...
Today must be let's be mean to Kinai day. The whole situation is ridiculous...
At least I got Dur'Thak and Brother Hawk, I suppose...
-
The cloak of Shadon feels soft against my hands. I love to play with it...I always had to tug at Big Brother Hawky's before, but now that I have my own, I can at least spare him that particular annoyance.
He lead me through a dizzying portal trip, and when I reopened my eyes, a confusing and strange city was in front of me. No quiet Wayfare, no strict Prantz, but a city that Hawky described as being Arnax. It was dark out there, and rather torn up...He advised me to keep my hands over my coins, and heck, I'm a rogue, I knew too darn well how stealing worked. I listened, of course. It was scary...Probably the worst condition of a city I've ever been in.
We entered Shadon's temple from there, and the inside was beautiful, especially compared to what was around it. While I was running around, I heard Hawky talking to one of the priestesses or something, and then he handed me some fabrics. He gave me a cape and a flag! I immediately put the cape on, of course, and ran around with the flag for a bit. He seemed to be happy about that.
Anyhow, we walked through the continent for a while. He showed me a balor...If my heart could stop without killing me, it would have done it. I could hardly move, and there he was bragging how EASY it was! EASY! That demon could rend me limb from limb and all he does is look at it and say easy. If I ever see him do it, I swear, I'll kiss his feet...Icky idea or not!
We walked a bit more, passing a big drake and even meaner looking giants. They had these nasty scowls on their faces and even nastier weapons. Couldn't help but imagine what having one of those fall down onto my head would feel like. If it didn't kill me, it'd at least knock me out. I wasn't about to stick long enough to learn that, invisible or not. I ran after the sound of Hawk's footsteps, which brought us to a clearing with sparkling water. High Lake. Beautiful place...Love at first sight, really. I wonder if I could have a house built there... We stopped for a quick chat anyhow, and he took me on one final trip.
Bloodstone rogues...He said when I felt ready, my ultimate test could be to sneak by them. They seem amazingly powerful, though. I could sense a sort of aura of malice from the distance at where we were, and that was pretty darn far! I shivered at the thought of it... I could just see their eyes stopping their surveying on where I would be hidden in the shadows, a quick flash of an icy blade, and death. I really, really, really don't like dying. I told him when I'm able to do it, I'll laugh at them. He advised to do so quietly.
Still makes my blood run cold though, but a promise to him is a promise. When I give Hawky my word, I do it intending to keep it. I'm a good rogue, yes, yes, I am. When I'm all done preparing, I'll prove to him how good I can be.
I can't wait until he says I'm a real Shadonite like him though. I'm squirming on this bench in Hempstead-y just thinking about it. He's like my teacher and role model...Hope we'll always be good friends like this. I've never really looked up to a person in this way before. Hey, it's all about what's fun, right? I have fun with him. Big Brother Hawky is great!
-
She sits by the piano in her home, writing with her right hand and gently keeping her bandaged one against the pages to hold the notebook still. The dark circles under her eyes are lessened a bit, and she seems rather calm and at peace with herself despite the terrible words she writes in the notebook...
I did a horrible thing to myself today...
Tegan and Daralith both chanced upon me at roughly the same time. I guess Krys told Tegan that I broke up with him, although it was just one big misunderstanding... I never said anything like that. Why are my words always so twisted? No wonder people like Steel refuse to talk. Whatever, though. If he wants to go around assuming something like that, maybe he wants it after all. I don't care... I can't care anymore. Tegan's words still hurt, however. They didn't hit home, missed the target and killed the ranger, but the fact the arrow was still shot made me wince.
Heartless, she called me...Cold as Daralith. How could I, why, why, why? I didn't know. All I could think of at the time was tell her over and over that I never said or did such a thing. She didn't listen. I felt the kukri in my hand with its welcoming glint, and when I managed to get myself alone from all of them, I drove it all the way through my hand, splattering the ground of my hometown of Hlint Hlint blood red. Begging to the heavens for it all to end. Just end...Self-inflicted his perdition. It's too much for a primer like me to handle all at once.
She pauses in her writing, laying down the quill to gently massage her stiff left hand. Glancing behind her at the painting of a midnight stroll hanging on the wall, a lady with flowing fabrics and hair illuminated by the moon, she smiles sadly. "Shadows be with me," she whispers before continuing where she left off.
I found Dur'Thak later on, the man who I realize I'm sacrificing more than just time for, and shadowed him along to his home in Leilon where I described what had happened...He was angry with me, I think. I would be too...Driving a kukri through one's hand isn't a thing to be proud of. Even Daralith had made a comment about seeing how useful my hands could still be with their gashes.
The rest is a blur of pain when Dur put black ichor onto the wound to help it heal. Thrashing, crazed, agonized...Screaming and throwing myself against his wall and swearing and cursing. Words can't describe it. The burning was so horrible, I was incoherent. It would drive a human mad...The last thing I felt was Dur'Thak's mace cracking me onto the head, and then darkness.
I woke up in the cot, my hand bandaged, covered in a blanket. He was at the alchemy table, working on something as usual. It made me feel safe inside that he had stayed with me through the night. I can only sleep peacefully when I'm with him in that room nowadays. The rest of those places are just nightmarish hell holes. Even the shadows give me little comfort, as I know Daralith could find me any second, or some other angry creature torqued from my mistakes. Every mistake. What's a girl to do?
Either way, I swore an oath to Dur'Thak I'd never turn a shiv against myself again or place a promise with any other of his blood, him being the only exception. I refuse to break it, I refuse to be disloyal as Tegan thinks I am. I'll prove them all wrong...No one understands me? That's fine. You know what, I like it that way. Dur'Thak's perception can read me like a book, but that's because he got through the gates before they were put up. No more...Hawk and Dur'Thak can see me, but as Shadon as my witness and the shadows as my guide, no more.
She finishes abruptly, realizing she is still unable to form her emotions correctly into words, and leaves the notebook on the top of the piano as she walks to the fireplace. She expresses under her breath how exhaustion ruins any hope of writing, and tosses another log in to feed the flames. Stretching out onto the couch by it, she falls into a dreamless sleep granted by the silence of his home, the bandages a reminder of his kind side that she, perhaps she alone, is granted to see.
"And something in me feels happy to know that I might just be the only one."
-
Remember that word...People only see what they want to see, so give them something to look at. Appearances.
She pauses to examine the key she had received from Edu'win, holding it up to the light of the fireplace at home. A key that was a link to amazing artifacts and evil deeds. It was in her hand, one of the few... She shakes her head, slipping it back into the bottom of her boot.
Big Brother Hawky and a TON of others went along on some isle hunting quest, associated with drow or some sort. I didn't really care what was going on, moreso I was too busy confusing the teammates of what my real intentions were while clinging onto the back of Hawk's cape and giggling. I found out a lot...Nothing really significant on that part, though.
I was being pretty reckless either way, and She reprimanded me for it. Some crazy creature casted a ton of spells, and next thing I knew, I could feel a part of my soul torn out of body and my dead flesh collapsing to the ground. Number four. Six more and I'm gone for good. I'm not sure how to feel about that, yet. I'm indifferent mostly...I don't want to die for good, but sometimes I wonder just how much I care for anything. I already know I'm going to die sooner or later.
The only reason why I refuse to just throw it away is because of Brother Hawky and Dur'Thak. That and... The shadows, and people like Jser. I have fun, don't get me wrong, but... Sometimes I stop and just wonder. Maybe I just need a new definition of what's enjoyable, like Hawk.
She tilts her head back against the couch, resting her eyes.
Death is scary, no matter what I say. I hate the idea of leaving behind this world and never being able to say hi to someone or feel Dur'Thak's abnormal warmth or joke with Hawk. I talk tough, but in the end, I want a normal life, despite how different I say I am. I want to get married and have kids and be with the man who knows me and understands me! Even if I'm going to be a Shadonite and a Shadowdancer...
I just want happiness. Not just the temporary kind, but the fulfilling one of a lifetime.
-
She sits in the middle of Hempstead, listening to the voice of Hawklen talk in Elven with Yardislan and Alantha. She tightens the knots on the rope that holds the key to her wrist in a death grip before writing, stopping many times to check her surroundings. She doesn't waste time checking her back, however, as Hawk is there.
One of the three, keys for me... Something that unlocks an artifact of power strong enough to break into the wrappings of reality and time. Once a legend, now a truth...With the guardian dead, as Yard said, the mages of evil and thirst for power search for the way in. One way lies through me. I hold one of three.
She stops writing for a moment and speaks to Hawk, keeping a wary eye on the others. After some time, he smiles and leaves, and she walks up onto the deck looking over Hempstead and resumes writing what had happened.
Drow and driders chase after me now... Some mage sends his prying eyes to fly around me. Watching, waiting...I keep killing them, but more always come, and everytime I turn around and see it, I know the mage knows where I am. I feel so paranoid...I can't turn away.
I feel safe around Big Brother though. He protects me, keeps those things and those people away from me. So many people want the key...It's scaring me. It's scaring me so bad. They drool and they jabber and they stare at me, waiting to see a gleam of light reflect off the key. I keep it hidden now...My sleeve keeps it covered. My boot could tear open. I can't risk losing it.
I can't risk letting people get a hold of this key...
Coyote mentioned something about red rum that drives people mad. It's why I'm so careful. When people drink it, Coyote said, they go insane. They become an army for that mage who is watching me...I can't trust anyone anymore, can I? I hope that's understandable.
I'll still tell Dur'Thak, though. Dur'Thak and Hawky...
The pen drops from her hand and she freezes in place, a chill running down her spine. Running her hand across her neck to calm the little hairs that prickled, she glances behind her and turns ashen at the sight of a skull. Closing her notebook and setting it aside, she stands, lifting the thing as she does so. The eyeholes glow for a moment, then, as if winking, fade away into darkness. She turns it over in her hands, obviously terrified at the sight of it, then hugs it to her chest. Picking up her notebook, she takes off into the night of Hempstead.
//P.S. Thank you, GM Arbiter.
-
At the top of the letter are the words "Please read after the first." The letter is written in loopy, curly letters, yet the accents and cutesy ways of crossing her T's and dotting her I's are left out. Instead, the letter has more of a calligraphy style to its writing, cursive and serious, beautiful and adult. Perhaps this in itself signals a growing up in the writer, at least to those who have seen her penmenship before.
To You,
I hope you got this safely...I wasn't sure about leaving it with Nix, but if you're reading this, then I guess all is well.
There's...Been a lot going on, as you already know. I described it all briefly, but I feel I owe to you something more than that. You're all I really have in this dark world, after all. You and him.
Frankly, I'm scared. The word scared doesn't even begin to describe how I really feel. Terrified maybe, horrified yes. The sensation of paranoia and the knowledge that I'm being watched makes for a horrible mixture. You know how much I had trouble sleeping before...Sleep feels impossible now. Even here in the home...
I can't let go of the skull either, not until I have it scryed...I feel like Czu Czu hugging this thing all the time. I wonder if I'll be a new victim. He never really talked about it, and I never brought it up, but I do wonder if he was a slave of the thing, that he killed for it. Maybe it was just his "insane" mind, but I don't want to end up like that...I don't want to feed a skull for the rest of my life like that. I value what little I have right now, and I can't live to see the day it is taken away from me.
What you think matters to me, despite how I run off to do exactly the opposite of what you say sometimes. I've kept my promises, however, and when it comes to the things that really makes a difference, I would do anything you ask if it kept us both safe.
I wanted to know...
What should I do? How should I act? I carry this skull and I keep the key tied till my circulation is nearly cut off, yet I feel lost. Yardislan said I would be the least expected to carry such things, so I take on the task bravely, yet the thought that anywhere I go could be sure death keeps me shaken to the core. You understand, don't you? You're so wise...I don't expect anything less of you.
The only thing I DO know, however, is to be careful. I refuse to show the key now to anyone except Yardislan and Hawk, maybe perhaps to the team I had gone with that had landed me in this position in the first place...But you should have seen how the others, the "normal" people, acted. Yzar literally fell into an obsessive state, demanding to see it. If it wasn't for Hawk, I don't know what could have happened...
Some man is watching me too. He makes me feel really nervous, and he doesn't know how to shut up. His intentions are unknown, but the fact some thought is there keeps me on my toes. I have good orbs, being with you taught me that, and I can almost imagine seeing his eyes on my wrist. The very fancy that he wants it for himself is enough proof that I can't trust him.
I feel a bit crazy myself, using my daydreams to determine who is enemy and who is otherwise dangerous. You understand...I know you do.
Getting back into description mode now...Calm yourself, Kinai, he doesn't need to read all that jabber.
The mage I mentioned, you might find amusing. I personally was about to faint, but Hawk protected me from the man. The Weaver, I think, is an Ear Man. Anyhow, from what Hawk and Skabot told me, he was an illusionist. He made it appear that he had killed Hawk, although Hawk had no memory of dying...Or, something along those lines.
I just have trouble believing that Hawk had lived. I saw him fall right before me, and I can vividly remember Skabot shouting at me to run while he took on the mage himself. I did run, guilty as I felt at the time, but the mage didn't come after me. Whatever we did, I guess we did something right.
'Course, right after I flopped to Hempstead in a panting daze, did I see more of those flying eyes around me. . .
Then they came back, the team I was trying to make go to the Ire Mountains thought I was playing a trick or had eaten one too many purple mushrooms, and then the whole conversation with Yardislan began, and we're back at the beginning.
Everyone thinks I'm going mad, at least those who are unaware of the situation, and I can't let myself let you think that. The very knowledge you have now is potentially dangerous, but you're a careful man. I know you well enough, at least, to say that. I'll stay away if that's what you want...I don't need to be putting you in anything greater than what you are in now just reading this.
I'm rambling...
Just, leave me a note back, if it's possible. I'll stop by in a few days to see if you left me anything, and if not, I'll wait a good long time before coming inside here again. The mage is ever-watching, and I have to think five steps ahead of me if I want to stay alive.
This is just one of the thousands of decisions I'll be making in this situation I'm currently in.
Travel safely and unseen, you...If you get hurt, I'll kill the man who did such a thing. We have enough problems as it is without some idiot mage getting in the way...
Daralith, Krys, insanity, whatever it is...All to the back-burner. What matters the most are my promises to you, you yourself, this reality-warping artifact my key leads to, and the skull I drag along with me.
You and Hawk's thoughts are what I will base my own off of, although if you wish it, I can think for my own.
Please, let me hear back soon.
From the barmy as a Spire God woman,
Kinai Kinsei
-
The handwriting is not as steady as it once was, shaken from what those close to her know to be fear and exhaustion. A single tear drop, wiped hastily away, is on the middle of the page, causing the ink there to smudge. It's clear that the stress from recently had taken a huge toll on the rogue girl. However, she writes as legibly as possible.
I came by, and although I saw the alcove in the secret place had no news from you, I admit to have too many recent happenings to speak of. So many, that it would take me ages to express everything I have felt during it. I bite back my tears, but the constant fear is wearing me down. I make decisions on a whim, and I can no longer trust myself on actions...
I have to find sleep, I have to, but when my eyes close, I see a drow mage tearing the key off of my arm, and I wake right back up. It's impossible, you... I wish ...
No wishing, right? I brought this upon myself and continue it there by refusing to give it away.
Having your life being put in danger every moment on every turn still awakens a primal trepidation, though. One that isn't put to rest by simple explanations that this is my own fault. I've met the Mother four times...You must understand the pounding that my heart creates everytime certain death looms near.
Two mages hunt me, Lin'da - I think that was her name - said. A fool mage that plays with illusions - most likely the one from before - and a drow mage who is a true danger. I met the drow mage today...An arrogant woman who believed me to be an easy target.
But power comes in many forms. I am one of many, and sheer number is known to be as lethal as one very experienced.
I suppose she knew this too, however.
She summoned something, something you might be familiar with. A creature with countless arms, each holding a weapon, and a torso extending into a snakelike body. Feral yet intelligent, a tornado trapped under the words of the drow mage... I could see my very life inside the black eyes of the creature. Have you ever felt that way? It isn't a pleasant sensation.
Big Brother saved my skin again. After this many times, I'm honestly not sure how I could possibly repay him. He's taken to calling me Little One...It's cute. He managed to get me to smile a bit despite the dire situations. I still miss you here with me, though. You and that abnormal warmth.
Lin'da took the skull I mentioned earlier. Its eyes glowed red, more infernal than my very blades, and the others were able to figure it was used to spy on me. She's taken it upon herself to take care of that scrying device, although I will keep the keys...
Should I feel bad? I dumped off a terrible curse upon another, hardly without a second thought. She offered, insisted even. The need for some rest from this being hunted is driving me wild. I'm doing everything except handing the key over. Can you understand? Am I doing the right thing?
Will you help me in this, my friend? Can I trust you with this knowledge? Your wisdom and guidance is what I value the most, and I can stop writing at any time you need me to.
But for now, I have to cut this off here...I can't focus on putting this down any longer. Please, please...Help me find rest. It's what I need the most, even more than the end of this insanity. If you want me to continue facing this with what courage I can muster in this torn and bloody body of mine, the darkness behind my eyelids is what I need to see. What I need to study...
Shadows be with you,
For you are one of the only two I pray no harm upon...
Kinai Kinsei
-
The notebook and loose parchment containing her words are set off to the side on top of an elegant piano. The wood gleams in the light of the home, its black and white keys appearing new. A woman is seated in front of it upon a bench she had dragged up, splaying out thin fingers before beginning a melody of sorrow with a touch of hope. The music streams out in flowing tune, filling the emptiness silence had brought in with a song of human will. With pure passion of a broken soul, she plays. She dances across the keys with graceful and learned ease, streaming forth a number of chords.
Entranced, she sways in time to the music, sweeping up and down the keys. She plays a fourth, a fifth...She stops, striking a quick minor fall, then gliding up into a major lift.
Pausing the song, she opens eyes of emerald green. They shimmer with barred tears, threatening to break through the emotional dam for only a split moment...And with a blink, they are gone.
She folds her hands in her lap, resting those same hands used for lock-picking and trap-disarming, hands of which she had once constantly stabbed and wounded to ease the stress mounting ever on. Like the tears however, the action too was supressed...A promise was a promise.
The woman herself is of haunting loveliness. Her skin is pallid, her raven black hair swept behind one ear in an impatient effort to keep it out of her gaunt face. Dark circles, like the shadows on the moon, have found home under her eyes, and her breathing is rather shallow. As haggard in her appearance as she is, she still retains somewhat of her former glory. Kinai Kinsei. Her name roughly translated into a love that will never come. A love that cannot come.
With a deep sigh that seems to rattle the very core of her slender frame, she resumes playing, singing softly along. Her voice is sweet, a smooth alto. The lyrics speak of death and apathy, the movement of one's body that is nothing more than clearing space for another...Cynicsm to its fullest, or perhaps acceptance of the inevitable. Either way, it is clear the woman is filled with a wish for a time of peace. That perhaps she wants to see the other spectrum of fun every now and then, the fun that is laid back and relaxed.
-
The letter is written in slightly clearer words than before, although the general health of the woman has not seemed to improve since the last time.
This is the first response I've heard from you. Nix hasn't left me anything, no...
As you can tell, I'm sure, the sleep hasn't gotten much better. I put myself up in a corner and asked for a few people to watch over me, but that itself brought no luck. All I managed to do was startle into a waking state only a few seconds later...If not paranoia prodding me conscious, the nightmares. I wish I could understand...
You spoke of a... A Maralith. The creature I mentioned earlier, with the arms and snake body. Is that what the drow woman summoned? Even the memory of it chills me. I guess I'm in over my head. What's new, right? I seriously need to start using my worms more often. Maybe I just need to grow them, first.
You brought up some great ideas though with the Rift and the other areas. I'll mention to Hawk about talking to Ozy and staying in the magic-less areas. The only reason why I hesitate with the Rift is because of its closeness with the darkness itself. The lack of the Weave runs both ways, and the last thing I want is for Hawk to be caught defenseless and myself too vulnerable to fight. I'm glad you mentioned it though... Honestly, it might be a huge help between when Lin'da and the others gather us up to face this - once and for all - and now. Maybe I'll stick to the shadows down there...Maybe.
Lin'da... I still feel terrible. I know it was for my own good, but...
...
I have to admit, it sort of hurts that I can't show you the key, although I'm glad I can still talk to you about it. The Abyss sounds worse the more you describe it, although I doubt I can ever fathom the true horror of it. Actually, I know I will never be able to. I wish though that I could help you find some way to handle it. All a girl's dream, correct? Nothing more than a fancy of something that can never happen.
A girl's dream that can never happen... She crosses the rest of the words for some length out until the words are completely illegible, as if deciding it's a bad road to go down with in the letter.
I released some of the stress at the piano earlier this morning. I wish you were there to hear it... It was such a pretty song. I even attempted a little singing. My mother was a bard, you know. I'd never personally strive to become one, but what gifts I have received from her are blessing enough. I'm not sure how fond you are of music, but I love it. I love being lost in the melody and being able to express myself in a way I don't feel I need to prove to anyone who or what I am. It's a release, a freedom...
Who am I kidding though? I miss you. Come home...At least to a place where I can see you again.
From,
Chit
-
She writes quietly in the room he had let her take, and pens her thoughts on a letter she plans not to give. Just something I have to say, she thinks, it doesn't matter. It'll be a parchment she may show him someday, just for old times, but as she finishes, she tucks it into the front page of her notebook. Not discreet, but she trusted he wouldn't go poking around in there. A confession of the heart.
Dear Dur'Thak,
This letter-writing has become sort of a habit. I hope you don't mind. It's not like you have to respond. It's a way for me to write and speak to someone I trust...I never get to see you, so it's just a way for me to settle my own loneliness.
I spoke to a group of commoners lately. Their appearance itself made me cry...The children were as thin as skeletons, and their mother and fellow neighbor man no better. A funeral, they said, they attended. I just listened as Yard and Pyyran talked to them for a while, adding a few cents in when it felt necessary. I used to be a plain commoner girl before too, although starvation in Hlint Hlint was rare. Maybe a day without food, but this...
Is it getting worse in this world, Dur?
They have no hope to live on, and I know that hope and faith - perhaps in each other, not always a god - continues us on. Food and water fuels our body, but a touch, a smile, that is what truly keeps us from the Mother.
It's what keeps me on too...The rare moments when your temper is never so flared, and the times I can see your kindness that holds so many scars of a cruel life. I would never admit it until that someday comes, but I still feel the way I did. A thousand dreams, a thousand tears, a thousand sighs...It all proves that emotion exists, and under the truth, I surrender.
I cannot lie to myself.
I give myself what truth I can. No one can take that away from me. The shadows and reality...It's all I have to call truly my own. I wish you - we - can change that. Make it an us or something.
But doubt lies within my mind as much as the pain of seeing you walk away whenever we part. Will a day come that such a pain no longer exists, that such an agonizing wondering is gone? You tell me to move on, but we both know me well enough that if it'll happen someday, I'll still come back like the fool I am. I tried once, didn't I? That was before I even knew you that well...I probably still don't know you that well.
But that didn't stop me from doing what I did.
I don't plan to send this letter, as I really don't want to cry as back then, when I first admitted. But...I had to say it somewhere.
And in these letters, letters I felt were so simple, I realize I show you my soul.
I'm sorry I can't do as you say this time, I'm sorry I can't move on.
Chit.
-
It is obvious this is another letter for Dur'Thak, but instead of writing them upon separate sheets of parchment as Kinai had done in the past, she has simply begun writing them in her journal to him, as if someday, perhaps, she will hand him the entire thing so he can read it.
Breathe deep, my beloved, and through the smell of primer, what can you sense? Pain, tears, or perhaps the only right one can muster in a time of wrong and a choice of neither?
Don't get me wrong, I won't be hurting you, or really myself.
I wish I could say more, but words elude me. All I feel is the grumbling in the stomach that he had brought upon with that spell, and I fall silent. I'm not supposed to say anything. It's nothing!
Nothing...
Even if it'll mean everything...
-
She writes this up on the deck of Port Hempstead, listening to Anna and Connor speak of the troubling times during the war, it of course bringing an exasperated sigh from the woman.
Harmless fun, that's all I ever intended. Heck, I thought it'd be sort of funny to see the looks on their faces when they noticed it. How was I supposed to know it was dangerous?
That being said, I'm ashamed of myself. Ashamed doesn't come close to cutting it. I do hope they lock me up for a good long time, - maybe I'll come out a shadow - but nothing permanent... Or deadly. Maybe they'll poison my drink. That'd be entertaining and one experience to remember.
I wonder if a cleric would bring me back to life though. I sure hope so. If not, I'll make sure that my spirit haunts the place and spends an eternity giving them the scare.
...Is there even anything fun to do in jail? I at least hope they'll allow me visitors and my own notebook. Talking and playing with my own shadow would keep me busy until I'm able to do everything possible with it, and then, look out. Bored Kinai makes for nasty outcomes. Although last time was NOT, NOT, NOT intentional. Why would I even want a little girl to die? I don't!
Poor girl... I hope I can talk to her. I found that little glass object she dropped in the water, too.
Guh. On a side note, do not make a book out of Hamajii's assassin fan again. The blasted cover's cut my finger dozens of times by now. Maybe I'll just dull one side of it, and it can be like... Reading, person walks over, person tries to kill me, slit their throat with book!
I'm going a little crazy, aren't I? I'm sure you can understand. Being hunted by three mages, never seeing my one sanity, having a spell put upon me where I saw and felt my own arm being ripped off... And this. Now this.
Maybe I'll plead insanity.
The trial comes and the judgment as well, but I can't let this break my focus. - Is that what He would say? My dearest Dur'Thak? - My life's destiny is still to become one with the darkness, Tomas reminded me of that, and once that is done, I'll let myself freak out over this trial and hunted and betrayals and other crazy businesses once I'm in a better position to do something about it.
For now, I'll do what I can, and hope very, very much that my "fun" didn't land me to my death.
-
The woman before you is a terrible beauty. Unlike the others
around her, it is almost as if a god had created her with nothing
more than ice and marble. She is of small build, yet not slender
in any vulnerable way. In fact, her body is powerfully built, but
any bulk muscle is hidden under predatory grace. Her nose is
aquiline, her teeth white and straight, and jet black hair as dark
as night's sky frames an angular face of soft skin. Emerald eyes,
reflecting all they see, survey the area in front of her, and they
sparkle with a hidden mischief that is almost uncharacteristic of
her first impression of mystery.
Her hands, all the way up to her wrists, are lined with spidery
scars. In the middle of her left palm holds the largest mark, as
if a blade had been pierced through there. Occasionally, although
very rarely, she traces the old gashes on her hands in silent
contemplation. They seem to be only the real flaw on her...That,
and the crooked smile that parts her lips and puts light onto her
cruel features when joy flutters through her heart.
On the back of her neck, hidden under her obsidian-colored hair,
there is the word "Appearance" tattooed into her fair skin.
Appearances to hide behind, and appearances to become.
A shadow, her mask, more evident in the light of day, dances about
behind her, almost as if it is moving on its own. It shifts about
with the same effortless manner as its owner.
But in battle, she could be described as intimidating, cold, yet
fascinating. She vanishes in and out of sight, crounching down
with twin kukris in her bone-white knuckled fists like a cat ready
to spring.
Despite such an unknown clinging to Kinai like her own darkness,
she seems cheerful. Her appearance is warmed by her grin and her
laughter, and she seems at ease with those in her company.
Several times, however, she looks over her shoulder, as if she is
being watched by a malicious force none else can see...
A change is growing upon the wind's of fate...And they swirl around Kinai as if in foreshadowing.
-
After finishing her own assessment of herself on a piece of parchment from above, attempted along with a rather childish drawing, she returns to her normal writing, this time titling a letter to Dur'Thak with the intention of actually showing him.
To you,
Corath's gotten his meddling hands into this key business also...At least, if not the god of destruction himself, his insane priests. I'm so sick and tired of people always feeling the need to get involved. It's my blasted key!
He mentioned something odd to me though. Only one of three he wanted... Perhaps a lie? Despite any method of getting the priest to reveal something - anything - all he really did was spout how much he truly needed the key, and that he'd kill me to get it. I guess Corathie priests don't have much useful to say besides maniacally cackle their own deity's words. At least us Shadonites are a bit more creative in our interpretation of "code."
I doubt you'd care about that sort of primer stuff, though...I tend to think "out loud" as I go along. You knew that. You know a lot of things about me...
Anyhow. He almost got the key. Almost is an understatement, for sakes! I had my sleeve drawing up, and then I hear the door open, and Gimli and Rose walked in. Goodness, if I could toot a horn and scream hallelujah, I would have!
Instead, I just walked around and positioned myself behind the others, someplace safe.
Needless to say, everyone got out alive... I'm worried though, Dur. There are more to the picture now, and it seems one key alone is sufficient. I wonder what's going on, and what people are wanting now...They keep laughing at my lack of knowledge. I need to figure this out.
Another trek is soon, and afterwards, maybe us and some others can go make an attempt at getting my destiny fulfilled...Right now, I'm depending on the focus for something, anything, so that I may go on another day.
Keep your fingers crossed, Dur. I don't have much time to write, but I just wanted to say, please hope for me when I cannot that I may come home safely to you.
From,
Chit
-
Marked: Unsent
Dear Dur'Thak,
If you kill, does that make you a murderer? If so, how does that justify the constant "hunting" people do? What is the difference between killing Avierra, per se, and slaughtering a cave of ogres?
I guess I'm trying to come to terms to all the death that has been caused by my own hands lately. Trying to come to terms with all the death that I have seen...
I killed Avierra. I did as the drow mage had pretty much ordered me to do... Take the dagger, that acidic and dripping dagger, and slit his throat. It was an order, my life on the line. It was either do it or have a thousand Kinai bits strewn across Layonara. Self-preservation, I had no choice! You understand me, don't you? What could I have done under the given circumstances?
It was horrifying when the dagger ripped across his skin...His weakening, the way his corpse turned black and melted away into the ground. Everyone was furious with me, demanding, asking, pleading...I couldn't handle it. They didn't understand that I had to do it. The drow mage appeared then, praising me - although nothing positive entered my heart from it, and after I guess he realized I was about to be slaughtered, he teleported me away.
He was right... He is the only man I can trust in this artifact business. He fed me and let me stay in his hideout for a while until I was safe from immediate danger, and then he let me free. He'll find me again, I know he will...
And never once did he really demand the key. No, he has no interest in it, just like those Corath priests. There's something more of a mystery in this, but for now, I can't let myself be seen...I can't be the one to figure it out.
My destiny has begun, and just as I expected it to be...Under a storm of danger with a cloud of dark omens. With Lin'da hunting me with insanity's touch, I bargained with a shadow into becoming what I had always wanted.
Yet I wonder if the price was truly worth it. Over and over, my brain replays different ways of handling a situation. Yet it happened this way, didn't it? I betrayed, I backstabbed, I caused hurt...
Find Kard, the shadow had stated in its whispery hiss, and bring him back to me. It refused to tell me reasons, although Rhynn blatantly stated what she thought them to be...To use as a vessel, pretty much. I don't remember exactly what she said, Dur, all I could hear was myself saying over and over, this is your dream, this is your chance, take it.
And so I did...Big Brother, Steel, and I all went to the Scamp's Mug to talk to this Shadonite Kard. I'm not sure what Hawk thought about it. He didn't say anything, but I wonder if he was angry with me for ... I'm upset with myself. I sacrificed a man, of my faith, no less. I can't...
Kard had two other men with them, and Hawk did the beginning talking, which soon lead to a drinking game. I managed to sneak in a restoration potion to keep my senses about it, and convinced Kard to Lake Palden where the shadow was waiting. I can't help but feel the want to ask him why, why did he trust me? He could have saved his own life.
Yet he let me do as I wanted, and in the end, it got him in a worse place than death's grips itself.
You joined up sometime around then...You didn't say anything, just followed along as I walked the drunken man, eyes covered, into the grove. I could hear myself chattering away, but deep down inside, I felt cold and broken. What was I doing? I was pushing this guy into his grave. I was...
I was doing what I had to get myself farther. I was being self-serving and inconsiderate. Isn't that technically wrong? I wouldn't appreciate it being done to me...
It's necessary though in these dark times. I can't understand how giving some people can be when I can hardly scrape by. I'm pretty well off compared to most adventurers, but that's because of these self-serving actions. I hate myself for it, yet I'm slowly getting used to understanding it's what I have to do.
His screams haven't left my dreams yet...Everytime my eyes close for a nap, I see the shadow devouring his flesh and soul. I hear every single bit of it, and then I can see his expression, suddenly all too sober.
And then the shadow stepped into me...And then I became what I had fought for every day. I became a moving darkness.
I promised to you I wouldn't forget the horrors...Forgetting would be bad, I know that. Do you know how hard it is not to want to, though? Desperation makes you wish for some silly things sometimes...
You can connect when I say this, can't you? I thought I saw a flicker of what I guessed to be both respect and sorrow in your eyes...I wish things wouldn't be so tragic. That's what I'd make a promise to with a 'loth if in another life I could. I'd make it so we could live happily ever after, like in a bard's bedtime tale. The moral? That all good things come with a price...
I don't know. I'm rambling. I know you don't want me talking like that. I can almost imagine you whipping your tail side to side in a "you stupid primer" way that you do if I ever said that. Not that you'll ever read this, really. Maybe years later, once peace finds its way into your Abyss-ridden heart as well as mine.
I just want you to be happy, Dur. I want me to be happy too...But I find myself smiling whenever you lighten up, even if it is for a moment.
Either way, I am following down the same road you did, as you mentioned at the lake, and I hope someday the clearing at the end will come. We deserve at least that, I believe.
Until then... My ever-moving shadow will dance, and I will go on with my life keeping my promises to you, for you, and for me.
As always,
Chit
-
Marked: Unsent
Dear Dur'Thak,
I miss you, as always. This eternal cold brought on by shadow's presence makes the empty void in my heart hurt worse, worse than before, at least. Your warmth always made me smile, even if it isn't anything human, and now...
Now, I just want it to stop the chills. I just want you there, you see...When we had that talk, and when you hugged me with full sincerity, all I could think of was how good it felt to be in your arms, and how calm and peaceful the world was despite the shrouded skies and suffering. For that one second, I closed my eyes and could imagine that feeling lasting forever.
Everything felt right...Yet it was bitter sweet with the knowledge that I still have to wait for the both of us. For me to grow up into some kind of committed woman, and for you to find a silence from the Abyss. It's how it should be. We shouldn't fake a change for each other or hide who we are because falsehood never lasts long in anything...
Ozy told me to find Tik'valluha, the "only person" who can calm the Abyss in you, although by the way my question was worded, it sounded more like she could get rid of the entire thing. She's in a realm where Blood had returned from, he said, and didn't know what she'd want in return of doing something as great as changing a tiefling's very nature. Yet it sounds like a goal I want us to work in...
Would she be a 'loth, like those things you always mentioned? Is a 'loth a mariloth or...What's a 'loth? Would I be breaking my promise to you by making a promise to this lady? Would it be bad that I'm trying to help you? I don't know about any of that.
The idea sounds so beautiful, like a story of self-sacrifice and love. I could go and get her, and I could fix you...I could fix you and we could be what we were meant to be. I don't want to think about never being together as a fate. I'm fighting so much against that one request you had made of me to move on. I don't want to move on if there's still a chance. I'm a fighter, Dur'Thak. My father was and although I never saw eye to eye with him, I at least received that ridiculously foolish determination. I won't give up...
Although I wonder if I'm just refusing to handle the pain of trying to get past someone I care so much about. Oh, Dur'Thak...
Lin'da still hunts me. It seems she's got some lackeys for her, or something or another. She's finding me in places I'd least expect she'd look...Maybe it's bad luck, at least the second time was, but the first time? Something's a little odd.
Who can I trust anymore? I passed Tristan in my disguise, and he vanished into the invisibility spell. Maybe it was a coincidence, but when he didn't stop around to say hello, the hair on the back of my neck tingled. Paranoia? I have a right to be suspicious...
Right and wrong, good and evil, trust no one but yourself, and watch your back at all times...I don't even see Big Brother anymore, and with you always being gone, I feel so alone and isolated. I don't cry, I don't show weakness as much as I used to, but sometimes all I can do is sit and stare at my scarred hands and wonder just what is going to happen in my life, and how it's going to affect me.
Affecting...
That whole thing with the shadow left a mark on my soul, as I mentioned before. A fellow 'dancer by the name of Jser is helping me out though. We're going to make a troupe with our own language. I'll let you in on it, because I love you! [She seems to write this part in a more light and airy tone, as if taking light of the emotion for just the moment compared to the true depth of the feeling.]
I just think it's fair, you know? Becoming a shadowdancer is difficult enough as it is, there should be a team that can lead each other and guide one another, and if not even that, at least make use of the skills together. I won't be politically involved or anything... I'm just there to help out. I'll let Jser run the real thing.
The want for more knowledge in those shadows grow despite the fact I already am a shadowdancer, though. That's most of the reason why I want to do this troupe thing. I want to further my influence into the darkness, step into the shadows more. Greed? Maybe. Power-hungry? Most likely. I ache for it, though...I have a feeling I'm meant to search deeper into them, though. To see the true meaning behind the shifts of light and night. I know it will be a while, but for a long-term goal, it will be worth it.
Lots of forward thinking lately... You and me - us, the troupe, my very perception of how this world is...
Am I changing into something I should be careful of, or is this how things are truly meant to be? What is Fate and Destiny compared to what supposedly was never supposed to happen?
Ever-questioning the fabric of Truth,
Chit
-
Marked: Unsent
Dear Dur'Thak,
My fingers got twitchy today. Fun locks, he promised. More jink, he said. Just take the book back from the man in the sketch, and it can all be yours. It wasn't said in such a fun way, of course, the man had the personality of a rock, but...I heard the chance for entertainment underneath, and I went with it.
Now, I'm not so sure of myself. The accounting book dealt in exports of wood and ore, at least that's what he said...I just had a sneaking suspicion as time went on (Sallaron's way of acting didn't help) that maybe, just maybe, it had to do with slave-trading or something. Gods, if that's what it was...
I'd go and rob the man who paid me to steal from the other, and I'll fix it all. I never like getting directly involved in that whole charity let's help commoners thing, but if I had made a significant influence on them, somehow, I would make sure I felt it was the right thing to do. Wrongs are to be fixed.
I keep saying that, but then I look down at the bag of jink, and I wonder...
Are my morals disintegrating, Dur'Thak? Am I just being ambitious? Maybe it was just wood and ore!
It all felt so childish back when I was younger. The only person to defy was my father, and the only stunts were locking commoners inside their homes while my friends would gather around me, giggling and betting a jink or two on how long it would take for them to get out. The worst thing that probably ever happened was that neighbor boy falling into the river and nearly drowning...
Even punishment was simple. Mind you, I never paid much heed to authority, and that's gotten considerably worse as time went on, but as a child, it was a slap on the wrists and late dinners for a week. Now, punishment is served in a cold jail cell with stale bread and stagnant water.
That was then, this is now...
Before, I felt guilty for every time I did something that felt "wrong" to me, but then I realized my rights and wrongs were defined by pre-set ideals of good and evil...
I don't want an already defined outlook. I want to be independent! Outside of you, of course...I always find myself acting like my old silly self around you, although you have seen my serious side just as well.
My mind is in a tizzy with this newer me, not to mention the beginnings of the Language of the Dark Order, as Ozy called it, that you have begun to teach me. Not a single word, yet a simple warning.
Oh, how learning the darkness can go awry...
I will be careful. I have been for some time now, and it will be no different now. Promises of words may mean nothing to you, and if that's the case, I will simply show you.
I will learn your language.
I'm not the person I once was. I'm smarter, stronger, faster. The little girl that clung to me has been released, and I walk into the shadows willingly with my own beliefs, knowledge, and goals. Naked of good and evil, and shrouded by right and wrong.
A new truth will be put into play.
-
Marked: Unsent
Dear Dur'Thak,
I walked through Hlint Hlint today for the first time in a long time. Not a simple run on through, but speaking to the people, walking amongst the houses, weaving around the lake...
I even peeked into the trash can, wondering if it would try to bite my head off or something.
It's amazing how fast time has flown since I had left home. The very village I once despised and wanted to get out of time and again is now a place I return to for reminiscence and a touch of wistful hope for childhood innocence.
Remembering every prank played in the village was fun. I never stayed around the adventurers as a child...Father didn't let me, more like. I stayed in the commoner's area, causing an explosion of chaos everywhere I stepped. That's what happens when you try to shield a tornado in one spot.
...
Everything feels so familiar, like looking at a faded painting. Former glory. Now I see why everyone insists on never keeping your gaze to your back...All you ever see is black and white ruins of a once colorful past.
I passed the lake my friend almost drowned in once, a shiver going up my spine. To think I nearly saw my first death at such a young age, and then shifting my attention to my own scarred hands, realizing I brought death everywhere I went.
Evil doesn't fit the term, no. It's not evil. It's the Dark Ages. If someone isn't killing, another is. Shrouded skies sing for unpleasant times.
My feet walked away from the reflection in the gently moving waters, and I came across an ox...Another prank came to mind when I tried to ride one outside of the city of Hlint Hlint, to get away once and for all.
Needless to say, that had me without dinner on time for a good while. The ox decided to kick me off and slam right into a house.
I was a troublemaker, wasn't I?
It never quite grew off...Probably just grew up.
From,
Chit
-
Marked: Unsent
Dear Dur'Thak,
I haven't forgotten that first lesson you had taught me so long ago, that first real conversation. The scars from the past remain on my hands, however, and I observe them quietly in the times I have nothing to say as my friends, acquaintances, stand about...To remind myself to stay on the clear as I am now.
I've been dedicated to the promise despite the itch that returns, and whenever it feels to be too much, I simply close my eyes and spread my senses out.
With that, the true clarity of the world is beginning to sharpen itself into my mind...I feel almost enlightened, an icy sensation like that of my shadow's coldness in my body as I observe the Dark Ages as it is.
I feel empowered. The details of every scratch in a tree's bark, the grass swaying in the wind, the sounds of the others' breathing, the smell of their nerves as the next battle comes up...Everything. I can sense all of it.
It is almost as if my constant training to keep sight sharp, ears tuned, and nose ever working that has brought on this haunting view on a shattered world. Everything is so shrouded, yet I can still see.
Can you see, Dur'Thak? I've never tried to test you on such a thing, nor will I ever. I simply want to know if you can share this strange experience with me. Perhaps someday I will mention it to you. Maybe.
The dragons are returning, the fearful whispers on chilly breezes cry. Malevolence, self-serving, the true instinct of a beast bent on survival and ambition is awakening. A cult, they say, a cult tied to the returning dragons...I even saw them, fought them. Being a good scout does have its advantages, not to mention being one with the darkness even more.
Dare I say it? Am I useful? It makes me feel glad. There is an intimacy to working in a group that I will never abandon...The sound of their footfalls, their talk, even my chatter. Despite the usual solitary path I always hear that shadowdancers take, I cannot leave what I love...I refuse to. I'm a stubborn old goat, but I got to where I am now with those I call my friends.
Looking down at my scarred hands, knowing my focus, feeling my want. There's only one way down the adventurer's path, and in the end, we are all ambitious for becoming better at what we do.
I might travel away from them sometimes, but abandoning? Never.
I ache to know the shadows more...To walk the plane. Fear will be the rock to sharpen my focus upon, and determination the fuel for my mind.
You are my guide, my love. I would have been a simple-minded Hlint Hlint girl with nothing but dreams if it wasn't for you.
Always,
Chit
-
Kinai slips inbetween the trees of the Silkwood forest, her footsteps silent and her silhouette nearly invisible. She places her hand on one of the tree's trunks, tensing her muscles like a cat ready to spring. She lunges, her hands catching a branch. She swings once, letting go and landing gracefully on top of it. Leaping, the only sound coming from the wood as it creaks under the sudden weight, she scales higher, and finally comes to a stop to sit down in an area secluded by leaves and webs.
Examining the area around her, satisfied that the spiders who share the tree with her were elsewhere, Kinai takes out her small diary and a quill, writing her latest thoughts down. Her expression is masked mostly from the shadows of her hood, but her face appears serious, and there is obviously a reason why she chose an area so far apart from humanity to write.
Layonara, this world is called...
A world of creatures too powerful to consider sanity.
A land where the darkness makes crimes saintly.
A place where confessions are like a feast for the soul.
In a time of self-driven ambition, a simple reaching out moves a heart.
Yet such an action is rare...
And all the while, the babies cry for simple nourishment,
Widows sob the loss of their loved ones,
Children are puppets of skin and bone,
Parroting their lamentations for a better world.
And we rant and rave our beliefs.
Honor, betrayal, secrecy, openness, love, hatred, preservation, destruction.
But what does such actions hold in a time of death and loss?
The blackness of finality shrouds all of hope and despair...
It covers all of opinions, leaving but a cold hard truth.
The truth of the gravestone...
Yet we dream, and we look for the beauty in mildewed joy...
Joy turned into sorrow.
And I continue in my own path, perhaps to aid, perhaps to hurt...I avoid the latter, but I'm human, and I make mistakes.
Is my path a mistake?
Tadhg had said the shadow inside would someday consume me, my soul, myself as a person. Despite the strange adrenaline rush that surges through me whenever I think of it, bringing me shivers, I'm unsure whether to scoff at the idea or to believe it -could- happen. I'm unsure if I should be worried or to embrace the darkness...It would feel cold, I know it will, but there's something about power that's so...
So enchanting.
She freezes as a spider crawls down from above in front of her. It chitters, the fangs clipping slowly, venom dripping from them. Its many eyes pass over her as it surveys the land with an almost frightening level of feral intelligence. She relaxes slowly as it begins to clean off its feelers, observing the creature with a certain level of curiosity and interest, her entertainment only cut back by the danger of being so close.
"Beautiful," she whispers to it, and it tenses in response, the chittering coming to an abrupt stop. Kinai, with a small shake of her head, returns to her journal, letting the spider play with its fancies of finding her.
Morally, I can't allow myself to be lost to a shadow. No, it promised to be my servant, and I had let the trauma of seeing a man devoured by it to burn into my memories in return...A deal is a deal.
It's not really that I'm worrying of the shadow inside me overcoming me, but moreso, such a thing only calls for more. I know I'm seeking for more power, for more, much more, and in a way, it scares me. I've never felt so driven by ambition in my life, but the more I scout and the more I dive into the powers of the darkness, the more I -need-.
I'm not so different from the mages who hunt me for the key. No one is really that different. Ambition is a common line that we can all understand each other through.
Hawk and Dur'Thak are probably the only two who can even sense it in me, though. Illtytyailmillnyala. Appearances. I hide well, don't I? I've never enjoyed lying to my friends, but what would they say if they could feel the lust for shadows in me? Disturbed is a good place to begin, but downright horrified might describe some reactions...I remember when Serissa looked at the shadow Hawk summoned and flat out called it an abomination.
I wonder if they'd call me that, if ever came a day I achieved my dream and ... became a shadow or something. An abomination. Different.
I'm sure Hawk and Dur would still accept me. They're used to my quirks by now...
There's a place I can go to, I know, to find out more of the darkness and maybe slack the hunger for more that's building up...To answer some much needed questions, and do something about the everlasting chill in my bones.
The Shadow Plane...
It doesn't matter to me how dangerous it is. I could go alone, although I've offered Bee to come, and I do plan to ask Hawklen about it soon. It just depends on the danger of it. I need to go, though. Ever since a child, I have dreamt of shadows, and they have been watching me since the day I had stepped foot into the world.
Chosen? That's an arrogant word. Destiny, that seems more fitting.
It's just something I have to do, and you gotta do what you gotta do.
The spider returns to chittering after some time, curling up by Kinai's feet and watching the ground below itself. It seems unaware of Kinai's presence the whole time. She turns to a new page and continues writing.
New pages, new words...
A restoration of honor...A person goes to great lengths for their loved ones, it seems. At least that is what I see in Zoraje, and despite the horrible actions I heard of him do, I can't help but feel a connection. He acts out of love, and I know that too well. As flighty as my emotions are, I still love, and I don't even want to think about specific people. I hate the questions, and I hate explaining. It's not their business. Let me to what I do.
Someday, I'll settle down. Someday, I'll make a true decision. There's no rush, and people change...I can be with who I want and play out as life goes. Maybe somewhere I'll always wait for him, but he's right. I shouldn't let myself suffer with him.
I don't know. I'd rather not think about it. I'm content with where I am right now.
Well, slightly...There's that reputation of criminal I need to redeem myself from, and seeing Hawklen get a beating from the man who had hired me had reawakened a sort of rage.
No one hurts Hawklen.
I believe there's a restoration of honor needed from me also, and it'll start from joining with the very followers that Shadon would scoff at most.
Oh, Roffies...Come home, come home.
She sets down her quill and examines the spider as its feelers brush against her leg. Her skin breaks out into goosebumps, and she backs away. Hopping down from the tree, landing down to a kneeling position, she stands. Vanishing into the forest, a simple laugh breaks the deadly silence, a laugh of mirthless acceptance. The spiders awaken, falling to the ground around her like rain, but she is already gone.
-
Kinai curls up against Hawk by the campfire under the tree in Xora's Tower. The snowflakes are falling silently, melting against her hands when they land upon her. She looks over to the elf priest, a smile crossing her face as she studies him deep in his meditations. Reaching out, being careful not to disturb him, she runs an index finger down his jawline, then turns to her parchment. Wetting her quill in the bottle of ink, she begins writing an answer to Shiff's questioning letter.
Shiff,
It's odd to know that you seek me out with your letter, but as a friend, I will do what I can to help. I'm sorry I took so long to write back, but you know me...I'm a girl of the moment, and letter-writing to people feels strange. At least, some people. No offense.
I've already talked to you earlier at the docks, but my mind was on other things, and so I feel I owe you a true response...It would help to answer a few questions you asked back then.
For the nightmares, you spoke that the gnolls began them, but every dream has its origin. You have dealt death as much as I, and I don't mean to make us sound apathetic, but neither of us had nightmares before...At least, not with things similar to this. We see death in children often with the starvation and the Dark Ages, yet what makes this different?
I feel you have some childhood issues you'll be forced to come to terms with if you want to help this problem. Just a heads up.
Really though, don't feel alone. I have nightmares quite often myself...
You mentioned the curse at the docks, and although I'm slightly familiar with the Weave (being with people who know of it sort of gave me the slightest touch), I admit I didn't feel a thing. I haven't told Hawklen about it yet, but when he's back with me in the "conscious" world, I'll bring it up. If I fall asleep, you might beat me to it. He knows a lot about curses...I'm sure he'll be useful for you.
She hesitates in continuing and shifts her gaze over to Hawk. The dancing fire casts shadows across his face, his night black hair blowing softly in the breeze. After observing him for a moment, she continues.
He is to me, in more than one way.
I've already talked to him about it, and I'm sure he'd be willing to help. Maybe more like come along to make sure I'm alright while I help you, but I know he'll throw his cents in. Ultimately, this is your journey, and while we can help, you'll have to do the majority...
She makes a move to close the letter, but her emerald eyes widen suddenly. Re-opening it, she writes swiftly at the bottom.
Oh, by the way, curses usually have a manifestation. Did you ever get that gnoll head you carry around checked out? I have a very sinking feeling you might just be voluntarily cursing yourself lugging that ick around.
Kinai
Satisfied, she curls the letter up and ties it shut, tying it to the falcon that had been hopping around impatiently for her. It spreads its wings far apart, feathers glimmering in the campfire's light, and takes off. She watches it go, then puts her quill and ink bottle away, placing Hawk's arm around her and drifting off into her own dreamland.
-
The day peeks through night's shroud, illuminating Half Lake, only darkened by the dust and ash choking the air...
Emerald eyes flutter open within a home somewhere below, a large yawn interrupting Kinai's graceful awakening. She blinks a few times, tossing aside the covers and sitting up. Scratching at an itch on her back, she examines the bookshelves that create a makeshift wall.
She rubs at her forehead, feeling a small headache somewhere behind her eyes. "Odd dream..."
Falling back into bed, she stares up at nothing. The same scene kept repeating within her head...She could vaguely recall walking through a room of shadows, hearing her heart racing somewhere within her chest, and pausing at a hallway.
A hallway of pure light, piercing the darkness and burning into her memory. Despite being a 'dancer, all she could do was linger at the doorframe and gaze inside, inside at the marble floors and high ceiling, the beautiful light streaming down and alighting her world of sleeping reality.
She wanted to walk inside so bad, her feet literally ached, but she held back. A warning, clear as that image, echoed in her head. A caution, a little advice to not step inside.
The next moment, her path returned to the black of darkness, and the dream blurred from memory...
Placing a hand over her eyes, she takes a deep breath and laughs lightly without mirth. The shadowed one dreaming of light, she thinks to herself within her giggles.
Reaching beneath the bed, she withdraws her journal and flips through it before tossing it back under. She fluffs her pillow, admitting to it she wasn't in the mood to write, and drops her head back down, drifting away into sleep.
-
She bites down onto a finger as she searches for her journal, trying to return the feeling back into her digits. After a slow-going hunt in her pack, she retrieves it, and opens it up carefully in her lap to write. The quill is held awkwardly in one hand, and she begins to attempt penning down her thoughts.
The "appearances" lesson Hawklen taught me have done me well...People are asking, but I've managed to hide how truly sick I feel. I can't allow myself to show weakness, and not because it's weakness, but because if I believe the worst is what is truly going on, showing how terribly ill I am would get me killed.
Elzhabehl is convinced a drow is involved, as the spiders are the minions of the "tainted" race. Normally, I'd leave a drow-hating elf to their fancies, but this particular accusation rang true...
I had recently betrayed a drow to the Angels, after all...
Pausing a moment, she pulls her hood farther down her face, trying to block out the light she had enjoyed only a few days before. Now, it created a wave of pain everytime she looked out.
I'm poisoned. At least, that's what Elzhabehl said. I found a bite on my foot from where a spider had been on - although it took me a second to make a connection between said spider and foot. He examined it for a moment, with all of his doctorly rigidness, and stated I was poisoned.
She sets her quill down for a moment to rub her cold hands together.
Neurological poisoning. It's not too bad yet, just my fingers and toes getting the blunt of the numbness, but it can and will travel. Moving, fighting, I can't do any of that right now...If I don't be careful, it will spread faster than I can stop. Poison has a tendency to do that, you know.
As a young cleric requests the permission to heal her, she shakes her head and refuses. He continues for some time until she visibly snaps for a split second, her voice growing razor-sharp and her body growing tense. The poison had obviously made her irritable.
I'm waiting on Hawklen to return from wherever he is to make things better. Why? I don't know, but I don't want anyone else to go randomly healing me. It isn't about speed here, it's about efficiency, and I've always trusted Hawk to do the best job for me...
The people gather around Hempstead talk louder, as is the natural human thing to do. Growling low in her throat from her pounding headache, she stands up dizzily, swaying on her feet. Her hand reaches out to steady herself with the bench.
No one notices, and she gratefully slips away into the darkness of shadows. Nothing is left where she is sitting except an empty ink bottle, and the people talk on.
In the unseen corners of the city, before leaving to suffer in silence, alone, she whispers a small prayer to her god...A small prayer that Hawklen would return soon for her.
-
The forest canopy blocks what light comes from the sky, scattered fragments of it the only evidence it is still day. Below it, Kinai walks slowly, her eyes to her surroundings. Peace came not in sleep and dreams, but in sheer clarity of what was around her. Here, in the forests of some unnamed part of the world near the Lake of Dreams, she allows her senses to dance amongst the fallen leaves, to listen and see the shattered lands for what they truly are...
Approaching the chasm that holds home to a cave of danger, Kinai sits in the shadows under a tree, taking out her journal. She takes out a candle and balances it on her leg before wetting her quill and writing.
Hopeless romantic. If one were to describe oneself in a phrase, I think that'd describe it pretty well. It's like a story, but perhaps this one will have a good ending for the both of us.
Pyyran and I had a long talk, and the main gist of it was...Dur'Thak's too haunted to handle the both of us, and I can't do anything for his problems. I know Pyyran, that fatherly figure of mine, doesn't like Hawklen much, but I think he agreed that staying with him would be best for me.
Not that I was considering leaving...No, I'm just looking for closure and the right thing to do. He's a strange elf, but at the same time, I truly do care for him, and he's done so much for me to show that he cares too.
Either way, I don't want things to get any more serious than they are now until I know for certain I won't make a mistake. I want to make sure I can get over Dur'Thak...As much as a part of me doesn't want to.
I wonder though, how smart that part of me really is. That's the same side that drove the kukri through my hand, the same side that caused me to make so many other mistakes.
Kinai Ancalime...Doesn't sound so bad. I could get used to it.
She furrows her brow in thought for a split moment, tasting the name for herself. A brief smile crosses her lips, and she continues.
I'm no longer poisoned...Hawklen made sure of that. I don't think I've ever seen him so mad before, either. I'm sort of worried for Thomas. I'm not sure what Hawk would do to him...
He deserves it though. Poisoning someone for doing the right thing? At least, it was the right thing to me...
Tensing, she relives the memory of the assassin behind her, hissing the warning of being careful of who you betray.
I have a feeling someone will die, and I truly hope it isn't Hawk or myself...What goes around comes around though, and payment will be delivered no matter what, eventually.
The dice have rolled, the cards shown, the plan told...Now the consequences. A simple game of waiting, altering what you can and considering what one will in the small amount of time given between two large mistakes.
Content isn't something I'd describe for my life...I'm happy with what I have with Hawklen, but my eyes are always glancing to my back.
My current list of problems?
- Daralith has my blood.
- I have an assassin after me.
- The book and two keys are now in the hands of the drow mage, that accursed drow mage...
- Some woman knows of that dream of light I had, and she'll answer me in exchange for a ring. It seems she's brought a lot of help for her along the way too. I need that ring, I want those answers...
One step at a sodding time.
She ends the entry with a low growl in her throat and licks her fingers, placing them to the wick of the candle and letting it burn out. Standing up and putting her things away, she looks up at the darkening trees. Slipping out her kukris, she sneaks like the very malars she hunts, and walks into the night.
-
A tortured scream rips through the air, sending shivers down Kinai's back as she steps into Arnax's darker alleys. Her hand's already over her coin purse, her other clutching a dagger half hidden in the folds of her black cape. She moves with an arrogant sway, her feet stepping one in front of another with the grace of a stalking malar. She makes her way to a wall and sits against it, fading into its shadows as she begins to write, yet she doesn't vanish all the way. No, she likes the line of seen and unseen, the cold of shadow and warmth of life battling against one another for victory...
Belinara, Xantril, take your pick at a name. The world out here is a tortured mass of chaos, yet the pain draws me more than anything in the world. The tense structure, the constant adrenaline flooding the system...The clarity is ice-cold, and I'm empowered by the very sensation.
Hawklen has taken me out here a good number of times, and he himself could take on the balor that lays claim to the plains outside of Arnax.
I love it out here. Everything about it shoots up an amazing swirl of strength, and the only emotion I have is gratitude and love for Hawklen and the very drive of the battle. I need nothing else...This is what I live for.
This is what I die for.
It beats thinking of my conversation with Ralinda, of the occasional pain of remembering Dur'Thak...I don't want to think about that. No, this is beyond just Shadon's teachings of thinking of the here and now.
I'm doing this for my own good.
An animalistic growl emits from deep in her throat as a stranger passes, warning him to keep his distance. She wouldn't hurt him, no, she'd vanish instead...But she didn't want to be attacked.
My senses will be sharpened here...Xantril is my new home, and Mistone will be like a child's teddy bear, and the child is now a woman that looks at the teddy bear twenty years after.
It was so ... Plain, back then.
I, Kinai Kinsei, refuse to be plain. I'll never live with plain. I'll leave my mark on this world, and I'll be remembered...My story will be told, and the effect I made will flourish.
Of course, I don't plan an evil act.
Her eyes scan over Arnax...It was less hidden back here, the violence and famine that was a copy of the rest of the suffering world. She bites her lower lip.
No, I plan to fix something that has been ignored for quite some time...Something I feel is in my place to do. I may not be able to change the world, but perhaps I can help this city.
-
She scales the tree with trained ease, coming to a rest in her usual spot in the Silkwood Forest. The spider is already there, resting by her feet. Unlike before, it is completely unaware of her presence, moreso than before. It doesn't even twitch at her arrival.
Settling down, she takes out her journal and begins to write.
No rest for the wicked, as they say. Two weeks since Shiff has slept. He's so closed to the rest of us, but I'm content with knowing he has at least Valmara to speak with. He mentioned going to Prantz after I had given him a long talk on dreams and their meanings. I wonder when he plans to do that.
For his own good, it better be soon. I know the pains lack of sleep brings all too well, and Celgar had said insanity lies on the borderline of it.
I can't say I'm too sure of the situation though. Emwonk's acting barmy, more than before even, Shiff is ... Confused as the Abyss, and Valmara doesn't seem very twigged for my presence.
Suffice to say, I'm -very- glad Hawklen is coming along with me. At least he keeps me safe. The others may not abandon me, but I can't say I wouldn't put it past them. Near death situations makes everyone react in ways they normally wouldn't.
...
Mylindra and Storold have set a date for their marriage. I've never seen a happier couple. Their faces were aglow and their steps light. Hawklen and I were invited along...Of course, they didn't spare us of some light jabs that nearly sent both of us reeling.
Marriage and kids? The latter sounds downright...Dizzying.
Mylindra said I'd make a good mother though. Kids...I'm not so sure about that yet. Fancying it is fine, but actually and literally considering, I'm not so sure about.
Although it's true children are an experience none other can give you...True love lies in a couple, but I think there is true love between parent and child also.
I think I'll wait on giving serious thought to that just yet. First the house remodel! Hawklen and I both need more time together before that sort of permanence comes along.
She studies the spider, at its spotted back and slowly moving fangs. She frowns at a memory.
Hawklen got revenge for me on Thomas. It left a bitter taste in my mouth, seeing him be imploded, but at the same time, some odd and cold sense of rightness came with it. That "it was meant to be" feeling...
That drow scared me though...Something about his touch already tasting his blood? I forget, but I know it had to do with some guy and Hawk's blood. I shuddered.
I just want to make sure we're both safe...
She closes her notebook and sighs softly, dropping back onto the forest floor. Crouching down like an animal, she stalks away into the shadows, moving like the wolf-like creature she resembles.
-
The darkened skies are a blessing compared to what the alternative could have been, yet with the black clouds constantly blocking the sun, I fear hope has been drained from many of us also.
Sal once had a drinking problem, and now I see Silver suffering from the same. I tried to talk some sense into him, I really tried..I just can't stand by and watch someone kill themselves and not do a thing. It reminds me too much of myself, really...
He walked away though. My words had to have had some effect on him, or else he was just not wanting to speak anymore...I cross my fingers for the former, but I have a feeling it's the latter.
Abiorn told us the planes were acting crazy...Something about them fading away or something. I felt faint when I heard the news, as if something inside me died.
I knew it was the last string of hope that I had for Dur'Thak...He wouldn't get any better, I thought. He'd grow worse and worse and I'd lose him.
But someone has to tell him the news...
It's a bittersweet year. My friends all seem down and dreary...If it wasn't for Hawklen, I would be too.
Yet even in this bittersweet year, Hawk and I decided we would be engaged from then and on. I'm nervous, but in a good way! I think it'll be in High Lake out in Xantril, but I'm not entirely sure yet.
Sort of a dangerous spot to get to, and as big of a fan as I am on the idea of having half-terrified people at the wedding just for Hawklen's and my own amusement...I don't want them to be dead! It's supposed to be a time for celebration not stress.
Speaking of stress, I've been under some trying to keep track of all my students. I see why most shadowdancers keep quiet about their profession...You're plain swamped with requests for lessons if you don't.
But I'm willing to help people follow their dreams...
So far, Trajan, Lino, and Cideous have expressed their desire to learn. Lino hasn't gotten any lessons from me yet, and Trajan's the farthest in them...I have a feeling Cideous will be the quickest though. There's something very ... Very focused about him that I feel will aid him greatly.
Someone really needs to open some schools of some sort. Shadowdancing school and an Elvish teaching school. I'm trying to learn the Elven language, but it's a pain in the neck...I get headaches everytime I really concentrate on the words.
Hawklen's being patient though, and I don't have a huge problem with accents like I thought I would. The vocabulary is more of the concern.
I'll just have to keep a list of what I learned so far.
For now though, I'll continue teaching them and learning Elven, and begin my hunt for an emerald for Hawklen's ring or...Whatever he decides to use it for.
She closes her own journal, taking her spot beside Hawk in bed to sleep away the latest exhaustions.
-
There are many paths to the great door of Destiny, and every adventurer or person with even the slightest hint of ambition walks these roads. Black, white, and every shade of grey inbetween, our views and our judgments carry us along. Our feet are merely the extension of our drive, stepping forward through muck and mess.
"I don't lose my breath easily."
Yet this ambition, misplaced, can be our falling. Good intentions can lay waste, and even happiness is sour with tears of our errors. Salty yet sweet. Like the word I used in my previous page, bittersweet.
Te'thalus is dead, the drow mage is dead, and all there left is a man named Tim. I don't trust him. I don't trust him at all. The keys are open now for his taking, and although we have the book, he claimed he had some documents that could "make the artifact work with little danger."
I think I'll have to do a little sneaking around...
I'm just tired. I'm so sick of being in every mission where it's like the entire world will collapse if I fail. I'm tired of basing every decision off great thought and knowing this could ruin the land as I know it if it's a terrible mistake.
Compulsion is stupid, yet there's something so simplistic about it that I miss.
The Roffies are a brainless, idiotic bunch as usual. Kuhlat was right there for the taking, tied up and defenseless, yet they fetched the guards as usual of their crazy codes. There goes the sodding book you were searching for, berks, as you lost the best lead you could have had.
But I was blessed by stupid complusion too, wasn't I? I did it so we still -had- a lead.
I let him go. He may have broken the law, but the greater good could be reached if I would be able to find him someday to learn about everything he could tell...If not, at least I had saved him from the penalty of death. I sliced open his bonds and gave him a scion of ausir so he could vanish and get away.
Looking at him, I saw something of myself in those eyes. His reasons for violence was of paranoia...He reminded me more of Dur'Thak.
Dur'Thak...I've lost him. I knew the second Abiorn told me about the planes that he was gone, but after I saw his reaction, after I heard his words, I couldn't even cry.
I didn't want to cry. I felt guilty though...A disgusting mixture of relief and horror. I just wanted to forget that one second. To forget him and just leave.
Then I slapped myself for thinking that. Stupid Kinai, stupid, stupid, stupid. Don't forget...Remember him for who he was, not what he'll be...
He can still be saved. Even if I'm to be wedded to Hawklen, a friend is a friend. I do this now out of the fact Dur and I are close friends. My love is for Hawklen.
That doesn't erase the fact it still hurts though. I think Hawk sees the pain sometimes, but I would never tell. I wouldn't be able to stand seeing the reflection of his own in his eyes.
I was torn, but I'm healing. That's why I'm not going to say anything. I'll be able to lead a troublesome yet entertaining life with Hawk and give the world a headache. I want this, I truly do. He and I make a great team.
He'll be a great husband, that I'm sure of. People say two years is too short for engagement, but we've known each other for longer. It's fine, really.
I know him in a way no one else really does...That itself is reason enough for not worrying about the time...And he knows me.
There's not many people who I can say that about. My inner workings are as chaotic as the world I walk in.
But for now, as I wait for the next chapters of my life to come along, I help the three who had come to me for learning the ways of shadows, and somewhere in me, I feel my own darkness stirring.
I want something greater than this mere existence...
And I take the steps of ambition to the door of future.
-
Iracce - Hello
E - I
Ceela - Love
Filfa - Baby
Sa - My
Irean Ilma Aey - How are you?
Illw - And
Ils - Am
E ils tymavilillan - I am pregnant.
Well, that sums up my life the past few days. After Tadhg confirmed with some magey spell that I had a parasite in my stomach, I've been... Strained. I felt sick before, but it's only worse with the knowledge it's no minor illness.
Eating a lot too...
Too tired to write right. I'm not going to slow down though. Save the world, do something great, and then eat a ton and sleep.
This pushed the wedding to sometime before nine months though. I'd like it before I get fat. Maybe I can ask Rhynn to be the lady friend for it or something. Hawk's asked Krys to be his best man...
...
For now, I just wanted to finally take some time to write down the Elven Hawklen's been teaching me for some time. I'll have to take some more time to write more later...
She rubs her aching head and places her hands over her still small stomach, knowing a life was growing inside. A brief smile touches her lips, despite the fact she had no idea such a thing would happen...
Shrugging, she tucks the journal away, leaning back against Hawk.
-
How to Keep Safe
- Avoid dying - Duh
- Avoid not eating, drinking, or sleeping for long periods of time - Ouch
- Avoid drinking ale, eating raw meat, or sleeping on spikes when eating, drinking, and sleeping
- Avoid Thomas - AT ALL COSTS -
- Avoid playing with mages
- Avoid dark elves - Sort of a given
- Avoid poisons
- Avoid poisoning others
- On that note, avoid breaking the law...Accident or not.
- Avoid doing things myself. I've got a bored fiance for a reason.
- Got bored people for a reason. Hmm... Army of Kinai slaves? Fun fun.
- Avoid.....
- Avoid giving in to the irritable moods. Not their fault!
- Avoid writing lists that you know you won't follow...Or at least follow too loosely to even call it following.
- Although it is a way to avoid being bored...
-
Broken Rules
- Avoid doing things myself.
- Avoid giving in to the irritable moods.
Time is relative...To some, a day is a year, and to others, a year is a day. The only separation is life, perception the distortion.
Speaking of time, it's going by too fast right now. Hawklen and I wanted to do the wedding before the child, but it seems the child will come first. That's fine with me. It's better to wait longer than have to try to fit in a dress when my stomach is the size of a dragon's egg.
I still have roughly eight months. It's torment to sit patiently in Hempstead as everyone goes about their business. I had to come along on a trip to Spellgard, I was so bored, although I didn't do any fighting. No, I just stayed from the shadows and snapped at them with my bad moods.
Really though, who would scout when there's a supposed beholder on the path, and who would check for tracks for them? They don't have feet...
Not to mention someone "forgot" to bring along the payment, so we pretty much did the whole thing for free...Or we were just cut out of the cut.
I think my irritation had a right to be there.
Otherwise, I'm tired. If I'm not eating, drinking, or with Hawk, I'm usually asleep. Strange dreams in general from that...I wonder if Parasite has something to do with the dreams.
They're not pleasant either. I haven't mentioned anything, but I wonder if I should see a diviner about them.
Honestly, I think it's just my imagination getting carried away. I always did overreact...
Overall, a good beginning to the long haul. Hawklen's patient with me and we've both happily accepted the challenge we were tricked up on - the challenge of a coming child, and at least I've gotten to do planning for the wedding while he's out east or gathering cobalt.
I'm just hoping that it stays as smooth as it is now...
-
The terrible moods are frequent, but moreso now, I'm blessed with an overall warm and happy feeling for both mine and its existence...
I have a feeling it's a girl. I know mothers always say that, they place their hands on their stomach, and they feel like they can guess their child's gender. I have a fifty percent chance on being correct, right? I think it'll be a girl.
Seras Ancalime, we decided, if a girl. I couldn't handle on an Elven name, at least, not until I can speak it... He's been teaching me still, and I'm trying to learn. Keeping up with conversations don't make my head spin as much as it used to! I even managed to pick up some words.
I was told quite firmly by my friends to slow down, though. I guess it makes sense. I did tackle an orc to the ground since the others around me couldn't even hold him. The extra weight from the baby does good after all!
Still, being careful is not something I'm good at. I'm just glad I'm lucky!
Speaking of luck, Voon's missing out on it... Seems like he found a dark elf with one of keys. Of all the people who found it, I'm honestly thankful it was Voon. I trust him to be a strong individual, and he seems to have the smarts on how to handle this.
I worry though...Fine guy sure, but he mentioned the key having powers. Is something changing?
That Tim fellow, I don't trust him, I don't trust him at all.
-
She sits alone on that same branch in the Silkwood forest, the spiders around her hardly bothering her as she pens her thoughts. Old habits die hard, she thinks to herself, and the deep scars along her hands, wrists, and arms seem to pulse with an old, familiar pain in agreement.
Dear Dur'Thak,
I remember these days, writing to you unsent letters. It's an old familiarity I like, and although I've made my decisions, I won't stop this habit. You are one of my dearest friends, and I would like for you as much as Hawklen to understand someday in my passing how my mind had worked. I feel that you will outlive me, as you have outlived many others, so I continue on my story to you in hopes that at least someone will hold memory of me. Someone who will walk this world many decades after.
Either way, my diary remains at my old yet still frequented room, and I know the day the Mother claims me for good, you will perhaps venture in to read it. The torn parchments are all kept in there, everything together.
The many stories weave on in this hopeless journey of life. My father called it a legacy, I call it reality...
Zoraje. A torn man, a mad man, yet a man who I feel some kinship to. He has lost a love, and of losing loves, I know too much of. He spoke of a woman named Mervion, how he wanted to see her just to ask her for forgiveness...
I would have helped. Weren't we all? In some strange, adventurer-way we always go about assisting, our efforts were still being made in his favor.
Yet I suppose that wasn't enough. I am bound to him, moreso than even I am to Hawklen. When my hand had unlocked that gate and untrapped it as well, pushing open the doors into the bright light of beautiful magics, I had unconsciously rolled the dice of fate.
It stopped its roll...One and one. Snake eyes.
If he dies, I die. My soul and his are somehow bound, connected, stuck. He can lift it, it seems, yet using the words "ceela" and "dear" that made my skin crawl and Hawklen rage, I was practically forced into helping him with Mervion.
He speaks with her, and I am freed...That's all it takes.
Some panicked thought has been my drive, and despite the exhaustion from my pregnancy, I dove into the books at the Great Library in hopes to find something to fix this, to make it all better...
Absorbing Essences. A book that seemed to suck all light out of life around it. Signed Z.T...I couldn't understand anything in it. Strange language. Honestly, even looking at it gave me a headache.
But the very nature of the tome itself...
It was once funny to me that me, a shadowed, was shown a dream of light... Now, in reality, I am handed a book of darks. There seems no connection, as dreams are only that, and reality still stands, yet...
I'm unsure. All I know is Hawklen's making claims that worry me, saying about pacts with demons and doing anything. Anything. That word got me tied with Daralith, and now that I hear it, I shiver. If he is insane enough to approach a demon or a devil, he better not use that word anything...
Devils and demons. I could just see you hiss and lash your tail at this, but you know what? I'm twigged.
If he's insane enough to approach one, I sure as the Abyss am too. Maybe I'll even come along.
Addled, but caught the cove?
Maybe, but barmy as always,
Kinai
-
The previous page appears to have been torn out.
Marked: Unsent
Dear Dur'Thak,
I shouldn't always take so much stock in what I see you do, should I? I just keep replaying in my mind when I handed one of the letters, the second most recent besides this one, to you. You didn't crinkle the whole thing, in fact, you had the top half well-kept...
Did that mean anything, or were you just tightening your fist on the letter because Hawklen mentioned making a deal with a devil?
I'm worried for Hawk... I know he doesn't like the idea of losing me, I don't like it either, but he has to realize his temper won't get him anywhere. At least Sallaron turned around and made sure I was alright, he's not a bad guy after all, but...Wouldn't have been a situation if Hawk didn't threaten him to begin with.
But I can't blame him. No, I'd be the exact same way if I was in his position.
If some lady came up and started calling my Hawk "Ceela..." No, I don't want to entertain that idea.
Zoraje has been watching me. I hate mages for that reason. Scrying is by far the most humiliating spell, and I seem to be getting a handful of it. Suffice to say, it's tiring for the soul.
Tiring's right...I'm being insane as always, going down to find the ol' Longstrider with Ket and you and the others. I still can't believe I lived...I just skirted across the wall and ran for the exit.
Quite a sweet little deal from the gods. I suppose maybe I should stop complaining in general. I can say I fought a dragon and lived...Can't say I killed it, though.
I have a feeling you lived too, Dur. You're a smart cutter...You've known survival since before I was born.
I'm learning fast. Humans don't live long, but we're smart little roaches.
If this dragon thing wasn't just a phase, maybe I'll be able to best Zoraje and the others after all. Maybe I'll be able to walk away from this entire soul business without a scratch on myself or my unborn child.
It's a lovely daydream. I should make it come to real.
Kinai
-
Too lazy to write a real entry, so here goes for time's sake.
- I don't think he's insane...I think he's just hurt. Poor man. I don't want to be forced to help him, but the dice have already been thrown. I have to work with what I can now here.
- Leringard Arms open soon. I probably won't stay long. I'm too tired.
- A half month left to go...
-
Dear Dur'Thak,
I've had my child for some time now, although the time's been rather short. I had her alone in the peaks of Firesteep, and although that's the most barmy idea I'm sure I've ever taken part of, I think Seras will enjoy telling the story later on. Who can really say they were born under the eyes of Pyrtechon, right?
She's a quiet one, unlike her parents. Her eyes are beautiful...I wonder how many more people are going to run up to me to congratulate Hawklen and I. It's getting a bit, well, tiring. So many people are offering to take care of her. I wonder when he and I will ever have time with Seras!
I want her to have big dreams and an even brighter future though, so I do want her to be in touch with all of the adventurers, to hear stories and learn tricks.
I donated to the Shadon temple, like probably around twenty grand worth of items. I wanted to thank him for pulling the prank of my own kid on me, not to mention I do want to have SOME effect on my own temple. Can't help but wonder if it'll change anything... I hope it would.
Oh well.
Mylindra and Storold got married as of late. A nice wedding. Good food...
My mind's mostly on this new creature that's been roaming around Mistone. Mistone, Mistone, the continent that's been holding less and less for you. They say it's from the Abyss, a creature as black as night and as fierce as shadow. Pyyran explained how it almost shredded him apart when he fought it.
I'm twigged. Anything that has to do with the darkness and the other planes gets me twigged.
I'm trying to slow down though, I'm sure you understand. I can't be an idiot anymore. I have to realize a child is depending on me, and I have to be careful.
I'm trying, I am.
-
Dear Dur'Thak,
She's exhausting, but the few moments where she hits a milestone of another month gone by makes up for everything and all the lack of sleep. Her toothless grins, those beautiful eyes looking at Hawklen and I. It's all worth it!
Such a small child, though...I wonder why that's happened. Does Elven blood really make babies so darn tiny? Will have to ask Hawk...
Shiff and Valmara will look after her the next time we all decide to do something crazy. I think the Soul Mother herself has tamed Hawklen a bit, though. He's been slowing down.
I don't think that will last for very long, though...
Keeping my fingers crossed that he'll at least stay careful. I love that insane man, love him forever. I don't want to think about...
It'll be fine. I think he's worrying more about me with the whole soul bind to Zoraje.
Hanging in there,
Chit
-
Dear Dur'Thak,
I've made a new vow as of late. Seeing as most of my time is spent at home, I thought I would finally catch up on my own reading, to learn some lore that I always neglected as a kid.
As I read though, some realization came to me...
I could make a difference, too.
Now, don't get me wrong, you know I knew that, but my own drive was a bit beaten after all of the dead ends I hit. Yet the barmy chit has yet another lead.
What do you think of deities and gods, Dur'Thak? Do you believe in them, or are they merely a force you don't care a thing about?
I believe in Shadon. He is my faith. Fun, parties, adventuring, it's pretty much what I'm all about. Seras brought out the serious side of me, not to mention the hundreds of times I've neared death, but all in all, the optimistic me is who I am!
Soooo, I've been helping the temple lately. A lot. Donations, follower following, brewing... I think it wouldn't be a bad idea to have some influence on the church that is dedicated to the god I worship.
I'll keep working on helping a bit more, see if anything happens, and who knows, maybe Kinai can be the first non-priest big influence thing to Shadon, or to any deity even, that there is!
Always making silly plans,
Chit
-
Dear Dur'Thak,
Is it too much to ask where you've been for a good fourth or five months? The way we ended our last conversation is usually no different on the strangeness than usually, yet the absence has got me a bit worried...
I hope your tail's alright. You were acting so... Addled back at your house. What are you planning, and what did you do to that celestial wolf? I passed it on the way out...Pretty dead, if you ask me.
I know you hate Celestia, but is the violence really necessary? I don't like seeing the Abyss so strong in you...Even if it's what you truly are. You can't let yourself be lost in it. You're so much better than a murderous fiend people think tieflings really are.
You're worrying me. You always do. Both you and Hawklen. It's how it usually is, but I don't like this...You're always so secretive, and if I hadn't happened upon you that one time, you would have been...
I can't bear that. I'd rather not even think about it right now.
Just do something, show up sometime, hiss and lash that tail just so I know you're still alive and still you.
I'll raid the Abyss itself if it's devoured you.
Signed,
Chit
-
Dear Dur'Thak,
I went to Firesteep for the first time since the childbirth to mine with a few others and Hawklen. Needless to say, the mountains were dangerous as usual, flaming hot, the playground of Pyrtechon...
There's no explanation really over why I get so excited there. The adrenaline rush, the danger, the boiling lava somewhere in the distance. I've seen the avatar himself, for Shadon's sake! What came of it was horrible, but everything inbetween...
I would go again if I could. I'd keep exploring again and again.
Speaking of Shadon, the project is going well. I've made a few little trips with some of them to work on the donations. I just want to get above Prunilla for now, then I'll be a happy chit. Besides, it's the least I can do for the temple folk at the Scamp's who look after Seras whenever I get restless.
I might see what Hawklen and the others I know of would feel for me to make a whole tavern dedicated directly to the Trickster. Give those temple people at the Scamp's Mug a real home...
At that other tavern, the Wild Surge, I read a poster about Daralith recently being chased after by Toranites 'cause of his necromancy. I wanted to pipe up over the way he gets people working for him, but I changed my mind...They already have evidence, and I'd rather not have him after my head. All I need to do is get those bags of sand for him, and all is well!
...I think. I seem to always get into more trouble with him.
Hawklen's doing fine as far as I know, which I'm sure what I say is probably true. He's found a new way to summon things, and although I really don't like that ceremonial dagger, I won't stop him. He enjoys it, and I want him to be happy. Besides, that thing keeps him alive.
He's still teaching me Elven. I'm learning alright. I have a good ear, so I can hear the entire conversation clearly...It's just putting what I heard to my knowledge that's still difficult. It's such a smooth language. I really need to start writing any offhand stories I get around to writing in it. It just feels right.
I've been writing a lot otherwise, both in Common and what I know of Elven. It's a story about two who were never meant to be and their lives. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'd change things with Hawk and I, I just have a romantic mind...
Coupled with my love for penning tragedies, I guess it all works out well to that particular story.
Dur'Thak, you're still gone...
-
Dear Dur'Thak,
What is good, and what is not good? Daralith talked about the Toranite church as a center of crime, sacrificing even family for the perverted sense of justice. He spoke of the Roffies like they're fools too...
I don't know. I was never one too bent on chaos or law, but I don't like the idea of the general Layonara's view of good to be evil. Is it true?
The things he spoke of them doing...Killing innocents because of their acts and yet still waking up the next day and looking in the mirror and using the words that they're doing the right thing. No...
I don't want to believe him, but he's telling the truth. This wasn't just on his wanted poster, this was face to face with him. I've never really quite found him to be a liar...Just manipulative.
He said he would kill those who came after him to make an example... I tried to argue, I really did. I said why kill, it's wrong, and he argued back that if a mob came to torture and murder me, if I would stand for it.
I wouldn't. I couldn't answer as a yes. I would fight back just like him.
Kinai, you're a slave to him. You do all of his dirty work, and you can't think of a way to fight back...
Yet if good actions bring pain, how can it be called "good"? I don't know what to fight for and against anymore.
Does that mean I'll just let him lead me as he is now? No one will ever know...
It's a secret between me and him, and that's how it'll always be. No one will ever know how weak I truly am to that darkie...
Kinai
-
Kinai's book of darks, usually placed under her bed or pillow, is missing. In its place is a half-eaten cookie.
-
Wiping off some spare crumbs from another cookie, Kinai opens up her black book of darks and begins writing with a raven-feathered quill. She mumbles something about tricks, glancing to her daughter who had previously been turned invisible the night before, and the night before that her crib had been casted on with the same to make her appear floating. Tricks, she scoffs. Loved to make them, but hated having them done on her. It wasn't too big of a deal until the trickster, whoever it was, stole her diary and stuck it with magic to the next door neighbor's house. Good thing she found it first, she had said.
Her gaze softens, her eyes squeezing shut as she holds the quill tightly. She looks visibly troubled as she pens her thoughts down.
Dear Dur'Thak,
What is good, and what is evil? Is good the opposite of evil, or is good just another evil with a pretty name?
Daralith had said good and evil were titles made by those in power, and for some reason, I couldn't find a way to argue. It's true, isn't it? Some would call Broegar evil, but his people think he's good, just strict. It's just a view, he's right, yet despite that knowledge, my morals haunt me. Despite my arguments with my true father in my childhood, what he had taught is still with me...And deviating from that is painful.
I did something terrible, but it was self-preversation. Doing a good action that, in the end, killed me would get me nowhere...Would get that lady nowhere, too. We'd all die after a good amount of torturing, and Daralith would have gotten out alive.
It was just a poster in the tavern...It was just some curious adventurers wanting that grand, five-digit reward to themselves. Missing people, the poster said, and for some reason I still can't figure out, Daralith was interested. I just wanted to make sure the ones the poster spoke of were alright.
So he told me to keep the adventurers out of the way or risk being hurt by them, handing me a vial of poison to emphasize the whole point. I don't feel bad for dabbing a little on the adventurer's lips...It wasn't going to kill them, just make them sick. I messed with the lock enough to keep them from getting out easily too. There, Daralith, happy now? Problem solved...
Once we got to the entrance to the caves, he made me catch some moths to be certain no noxious gases would take us unaware. Despite our constant disagreements and the fact he uses me more than I use my own shoes, he's smart... I think that's why I let myself be used. Someday though...
...
The caverns were filled to the top with insects. Disgusting, really. I played protect the dark elf through most of it. He really has me by a string...I wonder if he can make me dance too. Not that he would. Just a saying.
Between his badgerings of why I was doing what I was doing, things went smoothly enough. My mind was hurting though with his arguments...Good, evil, reward, life, risk...I would have screamed if I was strong enough to. I would have told him to shut up, but...But I couldn't.
Eventually, we heard voices. Drow...
She pauses, leaving a slight ink stain at the end of the word.
The drow held a woman, obviously one of the missing, and her baby hostage. She was tied to a pillar, beaten and bloody. I wanted to save her, I wanted to play hero and dive in and cut her loose and ... And do everything. I'm a mother, for Shadon's sake, I couldn't bear the idea of letting this mother and her own child die.
But dark elves aren't fools...I was enslaved by one, after all. I went back and told Daralith what I had seen, and he eventually talked me out of saving them. He said we would leave a trail so the other adventurers would be able to find them.
I relented, one of the worst mistakes I'll openly say I have ever made, and we began walking back...
Then the screams began. They were killed right where we could hear them, and the silence left behind was like a silent scream that I was guilty, it was my fault. I could have saved them! I could have cut them loose and kept the baby quiet. I could have done something.
And Daralith was saying something about vengeance while I stumbled back to the entrance, biting down so hard on my lip I could taste blood to keep back tears. Vengeance, a reason for vengeance...
It is an art form, and good and evil are nothing in the grand scheme of survival.
I'm learning from him, and I'm not sure if I quite like what I'm becoming.
But it's either that or perish...One choice, one choice.
Nothing is fair.
-
Marriage. One word never meant so much to me before. I thought I knew love, understanding, devotion...I thought I had experienced it all before I met Hawklen. All of the emotions felt so simple to me so long ago, yet with the years gone by and actions being done, the word love holds the weight of a thousand ...
A thousand anythings, truly.
Seras is a beautiful baby, her eyes are mesmerizing and her mind sharp. She's already able to walk if one of us helps her, and she's already picked what she likes and hates...Trying to feed her, for example? Not going to happen. The first time she decided she hated grapes involved her dropping them to the ground and mashing them up in her fingers. She laughed when I sighed. It seems she prefers to dance to that gnomish contraption of a jukebox or play with anything one of us hands her than to stick things in her mouth.
I guess I can't complain. I don't have to watch her like a bird of prey or something, but don't get me wrong, I do pay attention. I keep an eye on her when she crawls as fast as lightning and keep the chests locked, the sharp things put away.
At times though, I feel a touch guilty. Watching her grow up so fast and her own parents are getting married now instead of before. We could have been smarter about things, sure, but it was how they worked out...I don't dwell on it. We always were the ones to step out of the ordinary.
I just hope people don't get the wrong idea. I'm marrying Hawklen because I love him with my heart and soul, not because we had a child.
Love...That word again. I look around the world and wonder how many people are familiar with it, the depth of it. It's a blessing to have someone so understanding of your own thoughts, to look over into their eyes in a time of trouble and find your own strength within their gaze.
It is more than magic...The Weave cannot explain this, can never harness this.
And I love him, and he me. The flighty personality we both held is gone, replaced by a powerful loyalty to one another. I have him both in waking and sleep, and we accept each other and ignore our flaws.
I need nothing more. Seras and Hawklen are my happiness, and everything else is simply else. The laughter, the tears, the fondness I feel, that is what I live for outside of the wild hunts and fierce battles we both engage in together.
In the end, I have him and our daughter...Whatever good or bad fortune may come, I will be able to stand as long as I have them to protect and be protected by.
I thought I knew love before, but now, I'm certain I learned.
I'm not going anywhere.
-
Besides regular praying to the Trickster and spending time with my Hawklen and Seras, I've taken up a new trade.
Bounty hunting.
It's thrilling, really, since I've seen those posters hung up in Hempstead. Lying in wait in the shadows, waiting for a figure to pass by unaware...
I seem to catch information more than bringing them to justice though. The key business I thought I left a long time ago is returning, and with it, more danger. The artifact is now in the hands of the man I had deceived...The man who I turned aside a life of thievery I could have had and reported to the Angels guild about his true intentions.
My morals aren't as strong as they once were as they always seemed to get me more in trouble than anything, yet I know I'd rather have good neighbors than bad. I'll see this one to the end, and I'll make sure that Grendo fellow doesn't get far.
He has a son though...I know how much a parent loves their child.
Makes me wonder if a deal can be made, although I know I won't like doing what I have to do.
Considerations...But first, the wedding. I can't focus on this stuff yet.
-
A small breeze passed by me, and although I would normally enjoy such a caress by the air, my heart felt like it stopped pumping in my chest. It felt as if some part of me was torn away and thrown to the side...
A connection between lovers broken apart...
Gone. A month before the wedding, and he's gone.
"It seemed like a fine idea at the time."
But he's gone now. I should have never mentioned finding the entrance to Pandemonium to him. When that breeze passed, I knew he had left somewhere to his true destiny, that same destiny we spoke of in each other's arms by Firesteep.
Yet I feel so alone. So dreadfully alone.
And I ran to find comfort, throwing open the door to our home.
Home...It no longer feels like a home. A house, but not a home. I sit there and it feels like I stepped into an illusion of my memories, that maybe he's just around the corner sorting through the ore or some such.
Seras cries a lot more now, and sometimes babbles about "Da-da" to me. She would never understand, but I know she'll slowly forget who he ever was.
I will never forget...I'll learn to cope time and again like always. I know he can handle himself out there, wherever he is, and in the end, he's having fun. Be it Pandemonium, the heavens above, the earth below...It's fun. It's always been fun for him. I'll join him someday, even if that means leaping across the very planes myself.
The strength is gone right now, though. I have not told anyone, don't even want to. I cancelled the wedding and I'll leave into the woods for a few months, leaving Seras with someone else, and just vanish and become one with the shadows until my mind is settled and my soul numb. Until I am the nothing that I should have been.
Coped with the knowledge of my crimes, understanding the love for a tiefling man could not be mine, and now...
Now the very man who would lay down his life a million times for me is most likely dead, will never return, and I have nothing but his child, his remaining legacy.
I cannot count my blessings today, and Shadon's teachings sound nothing but false to my ears.
I am nothing.
-
There is no sound as she steps, the ground barely stirring at her feet as she glides across the forest floor. Her cape ripples out behind her, the fine fabrics seemingly glowing even as they are dyed dark. Her entire figure is shrouded in shadows, and her hood is pulled down low.
Behind her trails a tiefling, a tiefling many would be familiar with if they knew Kinai. His tail occasionally swishes but he too moves with the same, silent grace. He holds her provisions for her, unbothered by the extra weight, his red eyes observing her as they walk.
No word is exchanged. No warning. She would occasionally pause and attack something or someone, and he would assist, and when they were finished, they moved on. No close calls were stopped and breathed with relief over, no easy fights filled with enthusiasm for their simplicity.
Movement, and only that. They travelled from Mistone to Dregar, and neither talked when they parted ways. The world around them was their language, and both communicated easily without ever opening their mouth. There was nothing to say. Her husband was gone, she was alone, and her mind was chasing itself in circles on things she knew she could not change. Dur'Thak's presence merely existed, and she made sure she could fully be alone and handle the isolation before daring to take comfort in another.
But those matters were nothing when your feet walked on through eternity. Nothing mattered. Seras was someplace safe being cared for by people more stable than her at the moment, and Kinai continued her search to find solace and peace for her chaos-driven mind and soul.
It was something she had to do, and the future, she knows, holds on to promises of hope or ruin that will decide her fate.
For now, she would move on in silence.
-
The portal to Pandemonium shimmered enticingly in front of her, and Kinai stood silently in front of it, a purple rose in her hand. She cried freely now, no longer holding back the tears, throwing aside the mask she had worn in front of others.
Despite her smiles, despite how she acted, she didn't feel alright...If she knew she was going to ever get better, it would take years.
She wasn't sure if she could wait that long. If he could, even.
Taking a deep breath, she tossed the rose, the dim light coming from the portal lighting up the petals with an unearthly glow. She watched as it faded away from sight, stolen away by powers she could never fathom.
The same powers that had stolen her husband from her...
She forced herself to relax as she felt her nails digging into her palms, but just as the anger cooled, the sorrow crashed over her like a wave. The strength in her legs vanished, and she collapsed to the ground, sobbing.
If one could drown in sadness, if one could choke on ones' own tears, she would have died.
"I'll go too," she murmured to the ever listening, ever watching portal. "I'll follow you someday when I finish what we have left to do here, and we ... We can be together again. I promise."
Biting down on her lower lip, she dropped her head against her arm, sprawled across the ground. The floor chilled her hot, tear-stained cheeks, but brought no comfort.
Her hand closed over his wedding band hanging from a chain around her neck, and for a long time she stayed there, fighting herself against leaping in too.
There was too much left here to do still.
"I'm sorry, Hawklen..."
-
Kinai stood in front of Hawklen's altar in their home, examining the designs etched into the stone. Seras was sprawled out across the bed, snoozing softly, in the main room outside, and a brief smile touched Kinai's lips at her snores.
Yet the smile vanished, and she dropped down to the seat by her side with a small sigh. She drew circles with her finger on the cover of her black book of darks, the book that kept every secret and memory despite how painful they were.
Such a fair, unprejudiced way memory worked...It never blocked out happiness, and it never cut out sorrow. It always existed. It was the mind that was prejudice, and simply that.
Flipping the book open, she wrote down a very short, yet very strong sentence with the raven-feathered quill that had taken down so many thoughts and so many sorrows.
I will never love another.
She set the quill and book, still open, to the floor outside and closed the door, shutting herself in pure darkness. The murmurs of sleep talk her daughter was making was stopped short.
With a bit of flint and steel, she lit each candle in the room until it was aglow with warmth, and knelt down in prayer. Her eyes closed, hands clasped, she kept her head bowed for what felt like eternity before finally speaking in a whisper...
"Shadon, keep him safe from himself when he gets into trouble, and let him know for me that I love him still and always will. You've been a good god to us, despite the many surprises we have gotten, and in the end, it's another path we all walk. I pray that you have his path and my path cross again, despite how long it will take, and that it will be the fun and unexpected way you always do...I'll continue to pray and support what church you have as always, and... thank you for bringing me this never-boring life. Despite my complaints, it's...Been interesting."
Getting to her feet, she licked her fingers and began to fizzle each flame of the candle out until the shadows dominated the room again, and stepped out of the altar room to prepare a warm meal for her and her daughter. Her steps felt somewhat lighter, and she hummed the tune she and Hawklen always used to without even realizing it.
-
After kissing Seras good-night, Kinai plopped down at her husband's desk and opened up a drawer, pulling out her journal. She stirred her quill in the ink, contemplating, before finally writing...
Dear Hawklen,
She paused there, absentmindedly nibbling at a finger, before continuing with...
I'm not sure if you'll get these letters, but I'll close them up and toss them into the portal whenever I get enough. Just a way to say hey, love, this is what's going on in the world you moved on from...Just a way for you to know what I've been up to.
Shiff and Valmara had a daughter named Tyra. Cute thing, but a bit big for her age. He seemed so overjoyed just to have his child in his arms, chewing on everything in sight. Honestly, it kind of reminded me of the look you got on your face when you held Seras.
And yes, love, you did get all warm and fluffy about it.
That was the first time in a long time I had a connection with someone outside of us. It's hard for me to find a smile in anything nowadays besides our own child. Everyone seems to live in another life, in another dream, and I stand in reality and just watch, torn away. I'm not sure how to feel about it yet, but now, everything seems so temporary. No wonder Shadon told us to enjoy it as much as we could...
That's what I think Shadon meant when he said enjoy life. People take it as such a moment by moment basis, yet that isn't the point. It's about focusing on what makes you happy and what makes you feel content despite what others say and think, and that when you lie on your death bed, you can smile and say, "No regrets."
I'm not quite sure if I can say that yet, but I think that's the goal in my life...To accept my mistakes, push aside the flaws that can't be fixed, and just dive for the next goal...To be satisfied with what I got and get what I want.
Doesn't mean I don't need to really hurt anyone else. There's no hurting in self journeys anyhow. It's just moving on to what you gotta do. You gotta do what you gotta do.
I hope whatever you're doing over there is fun. I'm praying for you as always and keeping everything clean and nice looking. Maybe I'll throw a party in your name at the house sometime and get all the cupboards cleaned up of all the food. It's really too much for just Seras and I to eat.
Always thinking of you, love, and feeling your call to the place I think now is our real home.
To that place called Pandemonium.
E ceela aey,
Kinai Ancalime
Placing the quill to the side, she re-read the journal, flipping the page in a move to write a completely new one. She shook her head at her own actions, though, and took a blank piece of parchment out. She spent more time in recopying it, being sure all looked nice and well, before rolling it up and setting it aside. She planned to deliver it sometime in the next few days.
-
The plans are coming to a close... Zoraje's tie has been broken, and now, once I have collected the poisons of this world, I will focus on becoming the greatest bounty hunter alive...
But the end is calling, Seras my only reason to stay, and once I have talked to Daralith about my plans and they are finished, I will close my diary once and for all and follow Hawklen to the unknown. It's no good for things to end this way, but at least I won't have any unfinished business here.
Only one true thing remains...
Find Daralith.
-
"I have found in my life that, when a being is at a cross roads, that fate will push them one way."
Wren's correct in that, and I suppose Fate is what had me meet Shiff, Daniel, and Wren at the pond in Hempstead when I was going through to give a final good-bye before seeking out Daralith...
I realized that, despite how I feel, I have to stick in there and come to some form of terms with Hawklen's vanishing act... Enough of where it no longer hinders me, at least. I can't let it ruin me. I'll meet him someday, but until then, I'll do what I need to do here.
Instead of saying see you to the others, I found myself talking to Wren, and I felt at peace for the first time in over a year. Seras was the only one before who I fought for, but now, I feel like it's less fighting now and more accepting. He promised he'd help me, he promised he'd never hurt me...
So I agreed. Just a date; dinner and conversation...He can meet little Seras and we can catch up on the times. Maybe he can tell me why he has the scar on his cheek.
I don't expect anything serious... Guess I'm just feeling a little lonely.
But...One can never really be sure about that sort of thing, right? I'll go with what works, and I'm pretty sure Fate will be somewhat nicer after the abyss I have gone through.
For now, I'll take comfort in knowing I have someone there who can make life easier for me, and maybe I can do the same in return for them.
Or so I hope.
-
What a terrible act I have done...
Yet, it had to be worth it...
Why?[/i][/u]
-
I've told myself by now that Seras is in a better place, and despite what logic I have telling me I should save her from Daralith, I've left her there. It isn't about caring or not, it's the fact that there's no other suitable teachers. I've seen the sharp look in her eyes when she wakes up from her occasional nightmares, the way those deep blues snap over the entire room with the speed of that of mine before relaxing. Perhaps Hawklen and I really were meant to be adventurers, because when I saw the way Seras took in the world, I could see her a decade later doing it for an occupation, a path.
She carries our genetics, his legacy, and my darkness...I fear sometimes what that may mean, what that could result in under claws of one like Daralith, but there is no turning back now.
Out of sight, out of mind... I can't let this bother me. This is for her own good...So I keep telling myself, at least.
Acedia has helped me forget, although not so much in forgiving myself. You know, one never realizes that they can love their own gender until it hits them. Maybe it's rare for most, as I've only seen two other couples like us, but as I've said countless times before; Normalcy isn't for me. Who knows, perhaps this was meant to be...
Either way, she's my apprentice and significant other. I have taught her how to better herself in her ways as she teaches me to accept mine. The scars that line both of our arms are our way of comparing past lives, past stories...It's hard to imagine nowadays that I even did that to myself.
Not that the urge has ever left me...
Nevertheless, Acedia and I travel together. Although it's hard for me to treat her fairly, as at times I am embarrassed of my choice, I am as nice to her as I possibly can be...
No one should expect anything more...The face of Hawklen has yet to leave my immediate thoughts, and for some reason, I sometimes doubt it ever will.
I'm not proud of me right now.
-
When you give all of your love to one man, and then that one man goes, you figure you can never love again. So much emotion was spent on Hawklen that when he left, I believed the breaking of my heart would last for eternity.
And with a broken heart, I was also certain that I would never love another...He was the one person who stood with me through all of the difficult times, who held me when I cried, and who could see through the veil I kept up for others to be fooled by...There was no one else. He knew me, he cared for me, and he was my partner for life...
Yet, as I write this, I realize I write in past tense. He -was- the one ... Now, he's gone... Not forgotten, no, but gone.
As a woman of shadow, solitude is something I am very used to... Being feared as well. Mystery shrouds me as it does most of my kind, of my profession, and those who dislike secrecy would most likely dislike us. Resignation would be a good word to describe my emotions, as I gave in to what I felt would be my fate...My fate of one word.
Isolation.
I spent so much time pushing others away from me, staying hidden at home with Seras...She was miserable, I could tell. A depressed mother can't do much for her own child, after all. I think she blamed herself, in a way. Children seem to have an uncanny ability in making everything that's wrong in the household their own fault.
Maybe that's the real reason I had to practically give her away...
Enough of that. I didn't pick up my pen to think of why I did what I did with Seras... I'm here to write about love.
I guess I'm still shocked over how Acedia just... Stepped into my life. I thought I was drained of love, but the energy returned to me as her lips touched mine. I was able to sincerely tell her that I loved her.
And she, with her expression filled with happiness, was able to say it back.
Those nights, both by the Zainge River and in Haven, were beautiful. The moonlight lit up her gray eyes and bathed her skin till it was a creamy pale. Our scars looked like tribal tattoos instead of shameful marks. For once, I was able to walk without my memories and regrets haunting me.
We spend much time together...
I took her hand a fortnight ago and traced the constellation of Shadon. Her reaction brought a smile to my face...I have been considering both telling her of Him and what I truly thought of His teachings. To me, He isn't the idiot that other followers always seem to make him out to be... I think Shadon teaches the enjoyment of life not on a level of constant drinking and festivities, but to enjoy life so that, when one dies, that person doesn't regret their actions.
To me, he teaches respect of self and appreciation of what the self has.
I wonder what the Scamp thinks up there, having such a serious follower like myself...Not to mention the fact I'm a human. I pray a lot, and my pranks are more for my own survival than to be silly. I try to be proud of myself, but with my recent action with Seras, it's been difficult. I find myself wishing her safety and feeling bad for what I've done than accepting it's been done and moving on.
Well, each to their own...They say time heals even the deepest wounds, and I can't rush myself. Enjoyment of life is experiencing the good, the bad, and the ugly...I have always wanted to be a person to be familiar with even the strangest of situations. It has been my goal since day one. I think Shadon would understand...
My true gratitude for my existence only grows, after all...
Even still, I would like to meet him someday...I would like to ask him what he truly meant by his teachings, and if I may spread his word and will for him where none others have stepped up to do so.
Pyrtechon has an avatar, as do some other gods... Maybe if I ask around enough, my dream may come true.
-
Kinai flips to the page where all of the original text regarding her search was written. She had copied this onto notes, placing them up around gathering areas of Shadonites.
I've been searching for information regarding the avatar of Shadon, and if there is any chance that I may be able to meet him for myself and speak to him. If anyone is aware of any location I can start searching for, it would be much appreciated. I have with me a box of good items to pull off pranks with for rewards, or straight jink as payment could work as well.
Payment will be given after decent information is received. I will not give out rewards to someone who wants to pull a prank with me, after all.
Signed above a single, red line,
Kinai Ancalime, wife of the late cleric of the Scamp known as Hawklen
Her eyes scan down the page, a single word written below it... Khitis, it said. Her mind puzzled over the letters that made up that unknown word. Someone had scribbled it onto her note below her paragraph.
Flipping to a new page, she begins to write.
Clever little Shadonite, if that's who wrote Khitis down... It would have been helpful if I knew if it was a location, a person, or an object...Either way, it's better than nothing. At least now, I have a start. We all know it has to be a noun, at the very least.
I've posted up in a few taverns asking if anyone was familiar with the word...If all else fails, there's always the Great Library. Maybe I'll find a linguist in the meantime someplace and make sure Khitis isn't a word in another language. That'd be a laugh, having it be "Sock" or something in Elven. I can't afford to be tricked out of this...I have to do this.
I also will have to tell Acedia about everything in case I end up vanishing for a while... I'm hoping that, before then, I could convince her to consider Shadon so I can take her with me. Who knows, maybe I'll even get lucky and be able to convert her.
That's something to deal with later, though... For now, I'll have to continue on with my search and see if the public folk of Layonara may have information for me.
May His optimism carry me through.
-
Dur'Thak and I talked some time ago, and my mind had blocked out thoughts on it till recently...I suppose sitting here by the grove where we had our first real conversation forces the memories back. I still remember vividly when he took off his helm. Gaunt face, yes, but the most riveting eyes I had ever seen.
We talked about our skeletons in the closet, of ourselves, of everything that could come into our heads and anything...It had started snowing, and that was when I first mentioned "soul sickness" to him. I'm a bit ashamed now, thinking of how I used to be, but I couldn't help it.
I was so desperately in love with him.
He had handed me a rose then, still with its thorns. I don't believe it was in a gesture of love, although even to this day, I couldn't tell you what could have been going through his mind when he did it. It's still with me, wrapped in a bit of parchment and tucked next to the bouquet of purple roses Hawklen had given me as well.
In our most recent conversation, however, the somehow haunted and yet strangely gentle Dur'Thak was gone. Replaced by it was a creature who no longer even knew the meaning of the word focus, the one word he was so hooked on before, the one word he had taught me.
He's changing, and something in him now scares me. It's almost as if he took pleasure from my pain when he had me breaking down and crying over Seras. The man pulled at my heartstrings with such skill, yet when I demanded to know what he was thinking, he had no idea what I was babbling about.
And he was so cold when I flat out told him the truth about Seras...
Something in my snap brought me into the past, how I struggled through the years of helpless obsession for him, and I had to know. No longer did I want to be chained under a maybe that could never happen, I wanted to be set free so I could be with Acedia, or -someone-, without it being his abnormal warmth and his embrace I thought of.
So I asked him.
In the end, the answer had been simple. There would never be an us. It came as a slap to the face when he had first uttered the words, but the pain slipped into an even more surprising relief. Freedom... It was like he had granted me closure through one simple sentence.
I hugged him then, for once without feeling like I could never let go. I felt so alive.
And now, sitting here, I am only concerned for his well-being...As a friend. The elf part of him now taints the Abyss, he had written on a book of his. I figure that means that he is now willing to embrace the demon and fall into darkness...
I wouldn't know, but something in me gets the chills thinking about it...
-
//Kinai's final CDT post. I felt she should have her own toodlez post.
"It's time," Kinai said softly to herself. Her emerald eyes scanned her home for the last time, yet for once, there was no sorrow in her heart.
Dropping her malar bag to the ground, she pulled out three letters from the side pocket. They were addressed to Pyyran, Acedia, and Dur'Thak. Inside of the pack, otherwise, she had put her main gear in, using the rest of the space to pack food, water, and what she would need to sleep comfortably at night.
She tossed the letters onto the floor, heaving the bag up onto her back. A faint smile touched her lips before she nodded. Pulling out Hawklen's old shortsword from its decorated sheath, she stabbed the blade into the wood of the front door. Careful not to make a mistake, Kinai wrote a final message.
"I'll miss you guys," she murmured, a single tear dropping to the ground. Walking to the candle she had lit on the table, she licked her fingers and placed them on the wick. The fire fizzled out, leaving only the portal for light.
Tracing her fingers over the handle of the door that had been turned so many times before, Kinai wrapped her fingers around it for the last time.
"Goodbye..." As the shadows of the night flooded the entrance of the home, the outline of her figure could no longer be seen. With the moonlight as her only guide, Kinai was gone.
Some would say that she had finally left to enter the portal to Pandemonium, to return to her husband. Others who had heard her plans would believe that she had left to search for the avatar of Shadon.
Nevertheless, like a shadow blinded by the light of day, she had vanished. The Kinai that so many had learned to love and to hate would never return.
The door swung shut, the lock clicking back to a close. All who entered the house 249 in Haft Lake, Prantz could read the engraving on the inside of the door.
It was a simple line. It read...
"It seemed like a fine idea at the time.
- Hawklen and Kinai Ancalime"