The World of Layonara
Character Development => Development Journals and Discussion => Topic started by: Hellblazer on April 02, 2007, 06:28:53 AM
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OOC this is the memoir of Njord, first son of Rain Darsus (pre-dragon called)
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Mulnari, Augra 23, 1414
I have finally arrived from this boat ride. Took all the back water roads to make sure I would loose any pursuers. It took me long months, but still I have this creeping feeling down my spine, as if something is not right.
Unfortunately, in my hastiness to escape those who wanted me dead, I have left all my belongings back to that god forsaken place. I hope never to find myself in a way that I should go back there, never again.
During the boat trip, it came to me that if I was to use my name, this could only bold trouble, as I am sure some one over here would have ties with the syndicate. So after a few hours and considering all options, I have decided to take a very common name, Brian.
I found my self to my destination, not at all what I would expect. The city is indeed a place of my keen, but it is in worse state that I would have thought. The paydays I was told were plentiful were only a handful and quickly done and I found myself out of work, so I made my way to the closest city named port Hempstead. There again, although much more civilised and apparent wealth to he city, the jobs opportunity were as low as in Vehl. Soon again I found myself out of a payday, and resorting in roaming the land best I could, mugging the kobolds. Although they did hand out their gold pieces, I found out that it would not be easy at all.
Without proper equipment, I find that my skills are very much not up to speed with the strength of the foes here. I wasn't really prepared for that. Fortunately I have found a few people, who although very sceptical of me, were willing to help me. Some to train with, like Rose; others to help me reequip myself, like Kyle and his wife. And others that seems keen to listen like one of the battle priestess of my Lady Doom, Muireann.
Although these sing of generosity of the people is always a thing to be weary of, there have been some who have asked a few question about who I was, as I expected it, but I can not reveal that to any one, not yet at least, and I have to hide my intents, if only for a while longer.
After about a month or so, of going around doing the odd little job, mostly fighting for every gold piece i have, I was lucky enough to stumble on two people gifted with what Dorlic had talked to me while training me. Those that can dance with their shadows. He himself was one of those, which made him the perfect spotter for the clan, but he had not finish explaining to me what this was before he was shun away for his participation into what would made me who I am today.
I am sure they didn't give me their true name, after all those who dance with their shadows are expected to keep a shroud of secrecy around them. But their names, I have still committed to memory. One of them is a man call J'Ser, the other is a very cute woman named Kinai.
I have to find a way to gain somewhat of their trust, enough for one of them to show me their way. Dorlic wanted me to follow in his footsteps and I would really much like to do so, if only to bring me even more close to my goal.
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Well my search goes on, I have spent some time today with a group on what is called Dragon isles, turned into a challenge at the end. I failed, but at least I stood up to that loudmouth dwarf. Rose was not to happy about it though, I saw a elf wipe her face... could she have possibly cried? I truly hope not, I am not worth crying for.
Spent more time with the zombies, they are getting easier but at the same time it is truly getting to be stale. I mean it is something enjoyable to do at first, but after this many time... it gets quite on the boring side.
Seeing Kinai I thought we were going to be talking a bit more about her abilities, but beside knowing that she feels it to be strange and that she got them from a bargain with a shadow, I know nothing more about the ability or her... I wonder if showing her my face was such a great idea... Cuteness does not equal trust, I have to remember this and stick by it.
Anyhow we went to some kind of a shack and listen to this elf with long white hair and a bad tendency to coughs, he spoke about the rift, some kind of Hammer made from wraith bones and a few other things when Kinai received a bird and left there. She was invited to go to the rift, I place i know is to formidable for my present abilities and it is frustrating me a bit. back home, by this time I would be out with the warriors of the clan, getting food and the necessities for the village. Now I'm bound by how things are so much different.
I know that I will learn more in time, be even better than the strongest of our warriors back home, but it's not enough. I want more, I need more I need to know what Dorlic was able to do. "Give it time Njord" is what he would say. Time, is all I seem to have right now, and to much for my own good.
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Satari, Novlar 21, 1415
Gee
so many things happened since the last time i had written in here. I talked to J’Ser about the ways of the shadows, he sent me to Ozy. After much looking around for him as of late I finally found him and told me he could not help me. To go talk to Kinai he said. The same one to which I feel my trust has chattered since she sort of betrayed Beil.
Beil... that’s an other subject... strange how things can turn out some times, she leaves a fool, power hungry, out of revenge wizard, gets killed by him, but beside spreading around the word of his deed, she does not want justice for it. I do understand her reason, but still there is ways to use the system without getting implicated in the system. Some how seeing him rot in a jail for a couple of years sounds appealing for me. But I have a way to even the score, will wait for it though, for the time he less expects it, when his defenses will be down and his self ego of superiority is at it's fullest.
And then there is the closeness between us both, ok it got a bit trampled down when i got angry with Kinai, still am a bit, but I think in some way it helped it be better. Would she had opened up as she did if not? Maybe... maybe not. But for now it is a sweet moment and sensation. It's different from what I have felt before. She's intriguing to say the least, layers upon layers of things to discover.
So my search to become like Dorlic continues. Have to find myself someone who would be willing to teach me or more like enlighten me about the ways of the one that dance with his shadows. I know there is an other name for it, but this has more appeals than shadow dancers. Doesn’t have the same nuances, tone to it.
Well that’s about all. Write later, got to get better and maybe see Beil again.
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Things have developed with Beil, we are now renting a room together and we have started to furnish it. Things are quite interesting when she is around. I don't know where this will lead exactly, but I look forward to see.
To become one with the shadow, expand it to it comes and embrace you. To lose all of your identity, your Ego. This is what I must learn. I have no problem keeping my ego in check but the rest I will need to learn.
Since we talked the other day, Kinai and I, I have spent countless hours at a fire, I used to look at the flames because i could see the visage of each one my real father killed from the village, in them. But now I look to the ground and to the shadows that the fire produces. How the shadows dances when the light touches them. How they grow and shrinks when someone passes by with a light source. They are marvelous things, wondrous things, I must be one with them.
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So i left..
I told my piece to Shiff for hitting on Beil while she was drunk offering her his bed. It came after he hit me with his walking stick the fool. I have seen him hit on so many woman and he is suppose to get married? yeah right! I pity the woman who would fall for him, bound to get heartbroken. And now Beil is mad at me for caring.. well fine she can be mad all she want. Picked my things, left her what ever gold I had and a note.
I found my way to Thunder peak where I will be staying. Reminds me a bit of Krashin, about the same coldness and a lot of snow. Well it's the perfect place to just stay here and learn to mend with the shadows, become one with them. To lose myself, my identity and any ego I might have.
Don't know how long it will take, but I will succeed.
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Well...
Few days past and it's not working, I can not get her out of my head. I'm mad at her and I acted out of it, but.. what the heck.. I don't even understand, everything is new in this I.. Well I went back I just couldn't concentrate. Got there and she picked her things too, so Now i have to find her. Apologize for leaving, but not for what I did to Shiff, the guy is a fool.
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Freas, Mar 13, 1417
I found her.. somewhat
I tried to apologize, she told me she felt i was possessive.. Was I? I don't know, not intentionally if I was. Even if I did apologize she doesn't want me no more, I can't blame her really. I acted stupidly being mad at her and leaving her and I lost the only one that had a meaning to me, that i cared enough to be with share everything of my past, well most of it.
I don't know what I will do now maybe go and put an end to my running and Hiding, kill them before they kill me. At least I made sure she had a place to stay, I sold what ever i could to pay the rent for a few years and I will send Elohanna more money for her rent to be paid. I hope she will be ok.. I don't know if I will be around or if I will ever be back if I find the syndicate.
Tempest I failed you and I'm a very poor follower. Can't even let it go, she occupies all my thoughts.
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Tunar, Apreal 3, 1423
I have been in hiding for four years.. moving in the shadows from cave to cave where the syndicate could not find me.. All because I was betrayed by the one I had loved after Beil.
In those four years all I had was my self and the shadows created by the fire. For four years I have worked and worked at clearing my mind and reaching out to the shadows, to become one with them. At the end of my hiding period I came very close in succeeded I could see the shadow move towards me close and closer as I was reaching for them with my mind. I know that in the near future i will be able to reach for them, to become one with them, part of them.
On an other story, as I came out of hiding I made my way to hempstead, slowly and surely I surveyed the area to see that the Syndicate had moved on and where searching for me in other places.
In coming back after this long time I have found some old friends, and made some knew. A man named Marcus, i just call him blacky since everything but his skin color is black. He seems to be a healer of sorts. Melana, a young elf, head strong courageous and from the look of it she is hiding from the law to, for that I have called her scoundrel. Last and the most interesting is Abigail. She seemed to have had a gentle up bringing with few stumbles, like me he blood mother was killed when she was only a baby. But for the rest she seemed to have a happy family and a good father that hasn't tried to kill her, Even if he is a Rofi. I get along with her very well but to my big surpise, one of her uncle is Dalan!! the same one that was ready to behead me without knowing the story that had happened a few minutes before he came in the Angels guild hall. He is a good sort though, I personally have nothing against him.
On one of our trips, me and Abigail, I was pleased to see Rose again. Even if she is a Toranite she is blessed with having a stable head on her shoulder, one that is not self imbued with a sense of superiority that afflicts many of the Toranites. We headed to the storans crypt once inside the first part of the trip went fine but the second part we marched on the mummies. With my special mask the mummies did not manage to frighten me. While me and Rose were dealing with them, mostly her than me I must say, the damns things are so tough that even my best attacks seems to do little damage against them. Abi Marcus and that pesky little halfling that was with us got their mind played with and. Still we managed to finish our trip. Oh right just before that there was a mummy that was not like the others. It talked to us and wanted that pesky halfling . At first I tried to let it believed i was willing to part with him, to try and see what it wanted, but Rose and the others did not get my drift. So when I saw there was no way around them and through the mummy to see why it was talking to us and wanted him, I joined them in protecting the halfling. While he healed the others, he refused to heal me even when I was close to the end, still protecting him and the others with rose, from the waves of mummies that kept coming. When Rose finally healed me while I was sitting down, the b$%@ decided to try and kick me. he spun around in thing air missing me. I will always remember his face when I told him that if he ever tried that again I would stick his severed head on a pole. He ran as fast as his little legs could.
while exiting the area, Blacky mentioned that he had seen a woman entering the crypt. Rose ordered us to stay behind, but I am not to good with orders and it is a good thing that I did. I manage to sneak in and while the woman rebuked Rose, she did not see or heard me and I managed to follow her. She dealt with the mummies with ease and then proceeded to take a silver urn out of one of the tombs. I could not take the time to look carefully at the tomb for markings because she was already on her way out and I had to keep following her in the hope of finding where she was going. To bad that I lost her tracks with the many others on the road to fort Llast.
When I reach back the group and I noticed that Abi was all rolled into a bundle against the rock facade Crying. She wasn't ready for what she had faced in the crypt and it shook her badly. Me and Rose tried to calm her down. I don't know why but to see her like this really got to me. As soon as I was able to I tracked down a member of the Angels guild and I bought the same kind of mask that I have. Then I got my mask customized to something else than a skull looking mask, it would be fitting her, she not that type. Instead I chose a tiger design and I asked the armorer to tint it pink like her hair. She loved the mask when I gave it to her, she was a bit surprised at the tiger and I told her that it fitted her because a tiger is a free animal, a master of the jungle a free spirit, much like she is. Since then I call her Pink Tiger. She has this funny thing of finding a new nickname for me every day. It's good in a sense because less people will remember me that way and the less that happens, the less chances the syndicate could find me again.
I have to be careful though.. Something in me makes me trust her more than I should maybe. We ended up at a lake on night and we talked while she was fishing. Her cooked fish brought me down memory lane, they taste as good as the fish my adoptive mother used to make. We talked for hours there about her past, how she was raised, what she likes, and eventually we ended up talking about my past. I think that shook her because mine is not a fairytale story you tell before going to bed. It's gruesome, filled with pain and hate. I just hope I didn't scare her. Even more so that on our last trip together I met an other of her "uncles" He was already shocked when I called Abi "Pink Tiger". He is way to over protective of her. How do they expect her to learn and get better if they keep her in a cage. You do not keep a free spirit tied up, it will only try to free itself even more. IN any case this man got on my nerved at the end and straight into my face when I called Melana by her nickname. He approached me from his small stature.. I think he's an elf.. Trying to be all menacing and all coming close and closer
"Are you calling me a scoundrel" blah blah. It almost felt as if he was going to start with the " in man time young man... we would neeever caled our eldeers names.. we were respeectful.. (//imagine the voice of an old man)."
I looked at Abi, I could sense my anger seeping in.. he was so close that in a small and smooth motion I could have reached for my blade and slit his throat.. but.. Abi.. It's someone she cares about. SO I kept it in the best I could. I walked away only saying one phrase that was not even filled with insults.. something I never do. Instead I kept myself hidden from plain sight until we reached back Vehl. When I was sure she was safe and sound I went to the clearing nearby and passed my frustration on some of the bandits that were there. When I came by the guy was still there and to preserve pink tiger from a bloody mess I staid by the small lake. When she was going She told me good night but I was still to angry and I just nodded instead of telling her goodnight too. The problem with that is that I was still looking with a very want to kill that guy and I think she saw that. She left mad.
I don't really know why I care, really.. I mean she could end up betraying me like most people. No.. I don't think she would.. I don't know. I have to be careful though.
I hope to see her soon, to let her know I wasn't mad at her. If it's not to late.
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Wedlar, Apreal 18, 1423
I die at the hands of the bugbears on their island, then I find Abi almost dead and then later on Blake meets with the soul ripping .... To make matter worse I think that little halfling saw my face.. what a carelessness on my part.. What if she.. and then Abi tells me to get help before she weaves and disappears in Spellguards...
Maybe I should just stay away from every one. I guess that's what i should do.
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*A big bold Italic underline and red*
Sunra, Mai 8, 1423
*Sight*
*Is penned on in his journal*
I am truly getting the feeling that this Eghaas fellow is going to be a thorn in my side. For an elf, he truly is not posed. Haven't seen much people lately, kept to myself a lot, gathering things for exchange of trues. The exception being of a little trip with Kinai, Acedia.. poor girl, I gave her a fright today.. but she does ask for it, Berak, Pyyran and Teefal oh.. yeah our little Toranite do gooder paladin, Clarissa.... Nothing much to say from that trip, killing, running, fun. But I didn't see Pink Tiger Scoundrel or Blacky.. hope their are doing fine. Especially Pink Tiger.
Later I met this girl I'll call her Hunty, short for Huntemara. Talked a bit about where she comes from with other people. She can deny it all she wants.. but I know part of her truth at least. Went to get some action against the kobolds outside of Hempstead.. I think she'll get to be able to handle herself quite well. Already
Anyhow.. nothing much more to say. Fire is keeping me company again and the shadows are dancing for me. It's getting easier to make them come closer to me, but I have yet to manage to get them to surround me and take me into them. Patience I guess. Clear mind, only thoughts on them merging with me, seems to make it happen. I'm sure I will get it soon.
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Freas, Mai 20, 1423
Truce. is what is now between me and Acedia. As long as she holds on to her end I will do on my end, brining less tension to Kinai in the process I hope.
I have finally seen Pink Tiger and we talked. Turns out she was making a joke but it didn't really got out well. We walked for a long time through Alindor talking all the while, it was a very pleasant moment. Found the paradise for a fisherman in our trip and we ended up talking a lot there. I also showed her what I was training on. While the fire was lit I put my hand on the ground near a shadow. I then closed my eyes and let my mind clear it self only with the want to be one with the shadow. Slowly it came closer almost touching me but then it moved back and started to dance at the rhythm of the flames. While we were talking I tried it again a few times always the same results. As it nears touching me it would go back. Abi think this could be a dangerous ability. She fears that if I am not careful I could lose the want to come back from the shadows. I told her I would be careful and that I had a very good reason to come back. He sight shifted away from mine fiddling with a rock in front of her. "I know.." she replied. Does she really?
We continued our walk and I found out she is a bit scared of the height, she won't say it but I could see it. Then we kept walking through the forest ended up in the swamp "Such a Romantic walk in the swamp" She said, I couldn't help but chuckle and told her I could show her a great place that I am pretty sure she had not seen yet. Unfortunately she got spotted by some trolls. I managed to fight them long enough for her to escape, but as she got in Ketharian one of the troll got a lucky shot and she went down. I fought them all as well as I could, but they left me for dead. I crawled into town bleeding profusely a big gash in my left shoulder.. A new scar to remember my days by.
I woke up as Abi was knelled beside me feeding me some healing potion. She then manage to bring me to the Xeenite temple. I swear all the lash scars I have on the back, started to itch. I had never stepped foot into that place but now I was there and even the Xeen priestess looked at me and only sold healing potion to Pink Tiger instead of healing me herself. I'm sure she was having pleasure at seeing me lose my blood in a puddle on her wooden floor.
When I was healthy enough to walk again, we made our way to the special place I had stumbled on a few years back. On the way there she brought me close to a white stag, I was even able to pet him slowly, they are a nice animal and that place.. I think it's called the lake of Glass it's really a magnificent place. In the special place we talked for hours, in the hot tub, her on her side and me on mine. Talking a bit of my tattoos and scars and also of her scar. We had a great time here too, but then the hot water was making her sleepy. She decided to ask the residents if she could borrow a spare room and I am now outside in a makeshift leaf bed.
To be able to get there unseen I gave her my set of hiding rings and amulet and my panther cape. I will have to get a replacement for those, but truly I don't mind. If it means she will be safer, I don't care of the cost.
Oh and yeah.. how could I almost forget to write this down. She hugged me :). Came out of now were, I was a bit surprised but it felt great.
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Satari, Junar 7, 1423
Me and Pink Tiger spent a lot of time together again today. I went with her and a dwarf to get some wood for her to start woodworking with. Also milk a cow and went on gathering other things that she would be needed for her cooking. Through out the day when ever she would have to retire, I would go and collect the things needed for my orders and also made a duty to take up some raspberries when i was by them. I know she likes them, but I think she prefers blackberries.
Crossing path with Eghaas today made me realize it was better to just leave, than give him an opportunity to find anything to pick an argument against me and thus having any reason to try and turn Abi against me.
She knows I had a past, but is the only one who also know me. When she found me near the raspberries I explained to her why I left and I think she was happy that I did explain it to her. I don't want to pin her in the middle of a one sided war being ran by this elf.
Earlier on that day I notice that Abi and hunty were talking together. I appeared only to say high then after the greetings were done I left. I had time to go do some gathering and come back, to see that those two were still talking. So I left a little something. It took Abi some time to realize that it was there but then took them and ate the raspberry and blackberry I had left in a bag on the ground near her. I think hunty actually saw it first.
I am comfortable, more than I have been in a long time when I'm with Pink Tiger. Don't know well see...
On a more serious note
I also met with Kinai today and showed her how much I had trained while I was in hiding. I think she was a bit stunned at seeing I was this close to being able to dance with the shadows like she does. Unfortunately she thinks there is nothing more should could teach me. She did how ever say that there was to path that was offered to me, the one that is safer, that would be the best if I wanted to be able train me with hard trials that would be the safer for my sanity. Or the one that would make me look for the shadows, the one that has the most adrenaline rush and fascination.
I must say that both has good points, I love my sanity but I also love a good heard pumping rush.
In a way I think this is what Abi might be scared of, the adrenaline rush and fascination of the shadows might easily corrupt someone so much that they would not want to come back. Losing your self completely to them and becoming selfless.
As far as training goes, I am sure it is far less than what I have been through with the clan of my adoptive parents. Those training were brutal, tarting as soon as you were able to walk and carry a weapon, in some cases as young as three years old.
She told me that if I was going to choose the first choice, the training one. That I should be looking for a group called the guild of thieves and someone called Nathalia. Apparently her and J'ser were connected and mentioning that he was a friend might open some doors. Before I left she also asked of a favor. If I was to find them, to slip in her name. I'm guessing she is looking to join them.
Sanity, friendship versus adrenaline and fascination. All things I love, I love my sanity, truly love the only friendship I have. But I also love feeling the adrenaline course in my body and I must admit that the shadows are fascinating.
I guess all there is for me to decide now is, do I keep only thinking of what is best for me? or do I keep in mind the one that orbit around me?
I have to think about that and I know just the place for that. The quietest place I have been so far still filled with the beauty and wonder that is Nature.
*packs a few things and takes a bunch of tinder and fishing arrows, rights a little note and sends it to the attention of Abigail*
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Mulnari, Junar 23
Abi came to me when she received my message, I was relieved to see she came. I wanted to talk to her about the two choice Kinai had set forth and see her reaction to them, hoping that at the same time I could better understand where she stood about me.
After some talks it was getting clear that she wasn't indifferent to me and even more so when she understood what the second path was about. SO my mind is set, I will try to find that group and get the training they can provide me. I am not ready to lose my self and my sanity due to a deal, which would ultimately make me lose Abi. SO guild of thieves.. Nathalia.. here I come. Seeking you out for the training you can give me.
through our talks I have revealed to her, mostly, how I felt. At first I wasn't sure because she did not seem to respond much, but later on as the day came, she let more and more signs show that she was feeling the same.
For all of the talks we had and seeing how she was uncomfortable with the possibility of loosing me to a deal it is clear that it is time I stop running from them, time I fight back and regain freedom.
In that essence she suggested that I would talk to her father who is a knight in the Wyrm. A misty asking help of a Rofi.. I am unsure if it has ever been done, but even if I was a bit not keen on the notion that he might have to go with the strict sense of the law and arrest me on spot, because lets face it. Even if they are corrupted the locals authority of where my crime ring was located, they probably dispatch a mandate after me to all the other offices of law. But still I put my trust in how Abi viewed her father. Turns out he did not arrest me on the spot, and turns out he is willing to help me get rid of them, the lawful way. But for this I need to get on paper all the information that is on my mind about the local branch of the syndicate I was a member of, the branding on my right shoulder blade and any valuable information that could help his investigation. If this is done right, my actions might not only set me finally free of them, but also rid a town of a very dangerous group.
After he had agreed to help me I felt somewhat relieved. And Abi and her father started to talk about the new weapon she wanted and that she wants to work for it. SO he asked her to get some molds and lumps of clay, so we did.
On our way to dig up the clay we met with a halfling that was daydreaming in the middle of the roan in Hlint. Her name is peanut and she was daydreaming about her sweetheart that she was waiting for. That's when Abi clearly showed that her feelings for me were more than friendship. It made Peanut giggles and she let out a "Oh so you are also two love birds" Abi giggled to and so did I. After a little time we left to get the clay.
We had amassed a great number, and my ox was filled.. oh yes turns out the name of my ox is not dummy but Durmel. Thats what Abi found out when she talked to him. Anyhow, he was loaded up and still we had more on me. I can safely say that I understand what Durmel feels when I load him up with heavy materials. We slowly made our way back to Hempstead.
As we were about to go and process some of the clay, miss Ferrit came out of the craft hall in a rush almost trampling on Abi. When she realized that it was me she ask me to meet one of her friends by the angels guild hall. Her friends turns out to be Sala. Well apparently they both got word somehow that Omer and Rose had gotten stuck into Storans crypts and that they needed my help to open and disable the traps.
We packed Durmel again and got rid of the excess and we all got to Storans. As we arrived there Omer had found a way to get both Rose and him out safely, and after chatting with Rose and Sala a bit me and Abi decided to go back to Hempstead to make the molds for her father.
As we were getting the clay I heard some water splash from the pool surrounding the statue of Aluria. I told Abi this fact and we went to check what it was. Turns out Dalan, the "uncle" of Abi was bouncing some pebbles on the water. I was a bit reticent to see him, knowing he doesn't approve of me but nevertheless I staid and chatted with him and listen to Abi chat with up until Eghaas showed up.
As I had told Abi a few days prior, I stepped away and left them talk alone. I waited for her in the craft hall and I must have dozed off, because when she came to get me, she had already processed the clay she had on her and were now ready to go on a walk with her uncles and I on Alindor. Now I was getting a bit nervous.:o
On one side I have a dwarf who think he is her uncle, ready at any given time to chop my head off, and on the other side, I have this elf who seems also to think he is one of her uncles and is ready to pick an argument over anything at anytime with me.
Well none the less turns out we had a great trip, I used a recipe that Anika, my adoptive mother, had showed me before she was killed. And all of them seemed to really enjoy the fish. Even Abi pseudo dragon seems to like it. It kept diving to get some every time I showed it a piece of my fish. Although I plaid a little trick on it and used a pepper chunk and thrown it toward Mica, who picked it off mid flight and started coughing immediately.
It wasn't to happy and refused to take pieces of fish off of my hand but it did take one I laid on the ground for it. Abi laughed a bit when she saw what happened and told Mica " that will show you to gulp everything that is shown to you".
While we were relaxing by the fire and looking at Eghaas trying to cleans his fish and failing a couple of time. Abi leaned her self against me and we sat there, like that for a while. Finally after some time she fell asleep because she was exhausted from all the clay digging we had done. And me and Eghaas were left alone to talk. It wasn't so much an amicable talk, but I think we both have a better understanding of each other, somewhat.
He asked me the reason why I liked feeling the rain on my face, as I had somehow told someone that before and he heard it. I showed him the branding on my heart of the boat of mist. He then was surprise when he understood that me and Barion had talked, and nothing bad had happened.
I simply told him that neither of us are Priests and that I think Barion is able to see past the curtains of the faith to the person that is asking for his help. He left after that and I set myself for the night. I left Abi by a small fire covered with my only blanket, well not close enough of the fire for her to catch on fire but enough to keep her warm. I took the precaution to put more rocks around the fire and dig around it putting some water where I dug. This would prevent the fire to get out of control. And I went to sleep at the camp I had left there when Abi came to me earlier that day.
And well this is where I am now, writing this down, looking at the moon and at Abi sleeping not to far away. Truly this lake is a wonderful and special place.:)
-
Mulnari, Jular 9, 1423
A gathering day it was yesterday.
I almost finished gathering what is needed a few more nuts and that is it, this order will be completed.
At the same time me and Abi have went for more clay lump and processed them into the molds her father requires. I had my first try on the furnace and out of seven molds I was able to make five.. I guess I'm not to bad at this stuff.
Also when I was with Scoundrel, Blacky we met Acedia today in the cave in silkwood. Guess now she has someone else to give eyes to as both her and Blacky got into a little word fest. I guess Blacky is not use to see women dating each others.
But the most important thing today is that I finally got to make a full sentence of what I wanted to ask Abi. Took some doing, things kept crawling up and interrupting me, but I did ask her and I'm happy. Abi and I are together now. She did say I would be watched over even more by her family, but I don't care.
With her father willing to help me, and me closer to complete my goal of being able to dance with the shadows. Things are finally starting to look positive for me.
Now to go get more nuts and clay.
-
Freas, Jular 27, 1423
hmm should I trust Huntemara?
Big question there. We talked for a while she told me her story I told her part of mine, the beginning. We got a few things in common, but I can't say that I trust her. Yet she says that it feels somehow familiar when she sits near me. Not sure what she means there.
In any case through our talks, we ended up making a deal, I teach her what i know about the shadows and she teaches me elven.
I told her what Dorlic had taught me, that the shadows are alive, not just a phenomena due to the light being stopped by an object.That it was rumored that a whole plane existed where the shadows live lives almost like we do. Thats what I started with.
She started to teach me some words in elven:
Tyamoanyan means perfect
aala means yes
le means no
Tyelna means pinky.
with the few words i already knew that makes a couple. Not much of a phrase yet but still before she left Krys had came to the stormcress and I was happy to know that he and Elohanna had wed and were now proud parents of a young boy. As she was leaving I asked her to translate a sentence I wanted to tell abby it too me a very long time to get it right.. i think, by the time I was practicing it and gotten all the words as close as how she had said them, she was gone.
this is the sentence:
Iracce sa laamaaan, iream ela sa nyacalaanelic failyana anewila?
it means
Hello my sweet, how is my celestial beauty today?
A real tongue twister this is. But it was fun to see the blank look on Abi's face. She doesn't understand elven but when I told her what it meant she thought it to be cute.
Before that though, Marcus had a slight problem. A rather good looking woman named Saida, had made him fall in a trance like and following her saying he loved her only. When I know far to well that he has strong feelings for Melana. I had to actually knock him out of it. Later on me and Acedia, who told me her name in elven is Ilnynya, had some fun teasing him with that.
Later on I met with Abi, and like i wrote before, she liked that I was learning elven. We gathered a few things for her then went to process them, and thats when we met with Eghaas. I still am not comfortable around him and still think he is trying to get me so mad that it would give him grounds to tell Abl not to see me.
Well it doesn't work with him but does with this halfling called Rose. She doesn't understand that the colors of my armor changes to better conceal me in an area. At first I didn't mind, someone else trying to be a smart mouth. But as I crossed path with her again, it just kept going on and at the end, I actually lost my temper. I reached for my sword but saw the guard and also the expression Abi had. I manage to restrain myself and went out of town. The fishes in the pound were my pray to calm myself. When i had enough I Sneaked back in town and saw that Abi was kneeling. She was actually vouching for me and it was enough to come out of hiding. I just can't believe i lost my temper this way in front of her.. I have to learn to control it. Anyhow I proposed to show to Rose what I met but she preferred to walk away. I then apologized to Abi for losing my temper and she dismissed it as no one can always keep their temper in check. Still for the rest of the day after she had gone to rest.. I felt terrible.
That's when I met Scoundrel and Eghaas.. again. I didn't stay at first because I do not wish to pin Abi into his futile attempts, but as time went one I remember that Abi asked me to try so I went back and started talking with them. More Melana than him but still. it's a start. And the once again he started to argue about how no one should ever lose temper and that he would never had. I reminded him about the mountain and that changed his speech a bit. Now it was not that he would never lose it but that it would take much more.
Me and her kept talking for a while and then came Muireann who needed help to get sand. Well not really help, more company I think. Scoundrel was to tired so I went with this priestess of mist. We talked for a while and how so funny things can be. Apparently he had eyes for Muireann years ago. She did tell me to remind him that he calls a misty priestess friend and shouldn't be giving me such a hard time since I am a follower of the mist to. Not that it would do any good I am sure.
Anyhow enough of this none sense. If he please to try and irritate me, he will play at that game alone. I will not hurt Abi and will not let her be pinned by his childish games. I'll keep trying to get to know him, for her, but I wont enter his games.
// for the GM:
through out the rp with Huntemara about learning the language and even when Brian was alone practicing I used perform rolls, with the standard 15 and over are successes before the mod. So if i had 15+2 and over i was getting it.
An apology to Tanman, he had crashed and hadn't come back by the time Muireann came to us. I personally don't like to write that people just disappear like this so I thought that writing he had got up and left without saying goodbye wouldn't be to much problematic.
-
Threas, Augra 12, 1423
*comes out of the bath only rapped of a towel and sits on one of the cushions and starts to write in his dairy.*
I don't really know what's is up with people but Blacky and Scoundrel seems to take pleasure in teasing me asking when the wedding is and yesterday Muireann told me it would only cost 500 more gold if Abi was to move in..
I was a bit shocked at that, not that I wouldn't want her, but its to soon. Build the relationship on solid ground instead of just passion. I don't want to make the same mistakes again. It wouldn't be good for me and it certainly wouldn't be good for her.
I got a huge orders today and I am already almost half way through. I thought I was going to go mad of just running around all day but thanks the heavens I met Abi, Blacky and Hunty. Seapking of Hunty she showed me new words today.
Vmailan which means great
aeym amacnyesa means your welcome
anirilln aey means thank you
I am getting to like this language even more than before. I also explain to her a bit more of the shadows, on how they were alive, and that when they covered you, you didn't just be covered but you actually merged with them, and if you were not prepared you could easily be lost in them not wanting to come back. I also explained to her that it was only by a focus but yet cleared mind that you could reach them and get them to merge with you. Als that when your connection was strong enough, she would be able to call upon a shadow herself for aid. The more strong her connection would be with them, the stronger the shadow would be.
We went on a combat trip on deaders that plagues the outskirts of Vehl. It was fun. But throughout the day and yesterday, I couldn't get the event that happened with that Halfling, out of my head. Even after talking with Abi who reassure me it was alright, I still felt bad. I don't want her to second guess her choice to be with me because I can lose my temper. And the way she seemed a bit distant all day left me wondered if she was having second thoughts about us, until she announced to her other uncle Quantum, that I was her boyfriend. It quelled my strange feeling.
We spent a lot of time me and her listening to stories, at one point she even hit me for some reason saying to stop that. I wasn't doing anything!! But then not to long after she took my hand. My thumbs and fingers couldn't have enough of her soft skin.
Anyhow after the storyteller night we took Quantum who was a little bit under the bottle, back to the orc's bahsers. Apparently he has not receive any words of his wife in three years and is now alone at home with his daughter gone to a training temple. I have to say that him and Rose are the odd exception. They do not seem to have the usual hot head that the clerics or paladins of Toran usually have. I know it's very unsual, but he is Abi's uncle and because I care for her very much, I will try to keep an open mind about him the same way I try with Eghaas and Dalan.
Which reminds me, I hope to see Eghaas soon. I want to let him have my box of silk. I know it's not much, but it may be a step into getting a off a new start for a better relationship.
Quantum also asked me to make a delivery for him. He gave me a flower to give to Miss Annalee at the freelancers. So I went and gave her the flower. She looked at it and rolled it in her hand for a while not saying anything. I waited a little bit and asked her if there was a message she wanted me to return. She said no that she would deliver it herself.
Well off to bed, tomorrow is an other day, more people to question on if they had seen or heard of Nathalia and the guild of thieves, more gathering and most important, Seeing Abi.
-
Freas, Augra 27, 1423
fool , fool, Toranite fool.
I try to save his hide because he is the god father of Abigail. Because by getting badly hurt or killed would have pained the one I love.
I don't know what miss lee told him, nor do I care anymore. But I know that when I had done talking to MR Dalan, Mr Quantum was no where to be found and miss lee had barely curled up on her self at the tree. I understood what it mean and I asked again the direction he had left and ran after him. stupid fool.
I found him getting beat up by the deaders near velh, not even in armor, not even with his weapons drawn but kneeling in front of them as if he was waiting to be killed. And when I managed to kill the undead that was attacking him. He got up and Ran. I yelled to him asking him, what he was doing and he yelled back "I am dying". He jumped right in an other band of deaders and I reached him barely in time to give him many healing potions, while the deaders where taking their pleasure in killing me. when I though he was healed enough, I took a few myself. He told me to run, I told him to run that I would not leave him there because of Abi. Its only then that he casted a spell that killed the remaining deaders. He then proceeded to run again as I was trying to heal myself. I found him fighting the poisonous Giants, in front of the cave. He fell before I could reach him. I killed the Giants without mercy and then tried to drag him out of to a temple but I wasn't able to. it's then that I went back to the Stormcrest, baldy injured, bleeding from the leg and arms. I couldn't help but to collapse near there a hafling healing me. When she did I rushed to tell them that Quantum had fallen and that I needed help to get him to someone who could help him. THey stood there in aw, looking statue like. So i rushed back, I manage to strugled him up my right shoulder after dealing with new giants. It's only then that I saw the man in blue appear near me and cast a spell on me. I felt stronger, but it was nothing against how heavy that fool was. I painfully walked with him to the Rofi temple in Velh. But I knew that If I went in there, I was done for, so instead Miss Lee and Miss Jennara took his body inside. Late on they all came out as I was waiting in front of the temple. The man in blue asked me if I wanted the polite version or not, I just told him to tell me. He said he would be fine an they all went.
Thats when He showed up slapping me behind the head for saving his life. I was furious at him and told him "what am I to do let Abi get hurt?" he replied no of course and he walked away. I followed him as I had a big piece of my mind to give him. Of him ending up hurting Abi and every one around him. Through my sever reprimands at him that it would have hurt Abi, he told me he was indeed trying to die once again. Daft Toranite.
Now that after he has came back to the Stormcrest and said I was not to be blamed, after I have made apologies to Miss lee for possibly saying in a jest "such friends you are" when I saw them standing there statue like. And for when that Man showed up near me only after I had manage to lift this corps that weight as an ox, off the ground. Miss Lee thinks that I am the one who killed him.
What in this land is wrong with people. Me killing mr Quantum, the god father of the woman I love??. they are as much daft as he was for trying to get him self killed.
The happiness of Abigail was my only motivation, she loves her god father.. Killing him would have done nothing to make her happier. Killing him would have done nothing to repair the wrongs I did. Killing him would have made me as worse as the Syndicate. And there I try to be more amicable to her other uncle Eghaas, giving him my box of silk as a show of good will into forming a better relationship between the two of us. And this happens
Now somehow I have to keep faith that she will trust the person she knows in me more than some rumors that are not even true.
Again, the people around me betrays me. My only hope is for Quantum to come clean to Abigail. To tell her all the truth, that I tried to save him almost dying myself in the process.
Teaches me to think a Toranite can be different than the others.
-
Satari, Seplar 14, 1423
*he sits on one of the cushion*
What painful few days this has been.
I left Abi sleeping in her living room in front of the fire with my camping blanket as cover. She had gotten drunk.. I pains me to see her hurt like that. She found out for herself what she didn't want to believe, that MR Quantum was indeed trying to kill himself.
The day started like so many others, except I had not slept since the event of the Stormcrest and MR Quantum. To many things running in my mind. Abi found me on the bridge in south of Krandor. I was still fearful of her reaction to my letter but I still asked her if she had received it and she told me she had. THat she did not believe that I would hurt her uncle but at the same time she could not believe that he would try to kill himself. We talk for a little why and she needed oat and wheat for milk so we proceeded to get it.
We met with Hunty later on, then with Marcus and decided to go fight some Gnolls in the mountain. Big mistake, beside Marcus, the party fell. I Reach them back in the fields of Heampstead only to find out that Shiff
*you can see anger in his handwriting style as he writes his name*
Was there with a Toranite Paladin.. meh. They decided to come with us to help us get our graves, me completely disregarding the paladin and Shiff. I even went on ahead because this married flirter machine on two legs was yapping so much it sickened me. Finally we all got our graves and had a bit of fun with the rest of the Gnolls. I personally pictured Shiff's face on every one I fought.
Ah right MR Omer had came with us and as usual he was his good and charming fellow. I truly believe he is a great guy and maybe I'll get to know him better. Turns out that he is an uncle of Hunty. This is getting to be very peculiar. For me an uncle is blood related, but to the people of Mistone, any one can be an uncle it seems.
When Hunty left tired of the first trip, and Shiff was busy flirting with the wife of the Paladin. Me, Abi and Mr Omer went to mine some platinum in the swamps near Velh. Lots of trolls in there but the trip wen rather well. Abi was having so much fun Mining for Mr Omer she was really a sight to see. Mr Omer was also happy by the trip and left us split the findings between me and Abi as he moved of to other business.
While Abi was mining he was gracious enough to teach me two new words in elven.
Amac which means good
Ilma which means are
Me and my sweety found ourselves sitting on a bench in Stormcrest where we met a man named Craigh something and Miss Jennara. While we were splinting what we had found, we overheard them of a trip exactly where we had just came from. Abi jumped on the occasion of being able to mine again and so we went with them.
Moving toward the mine I noticed that Mr Caigh was also a Rofirein and even if he noticed I was a mist follower he didn't make such a case about it. Just a remark that my branding could be removed somehow. Told him I had received it at the age of 4 and that I was used to live with it.
Right from the first part of the mine, things started to go wrong. It was actually the first time I saw Abi fell and I was crushed. I never really understood this thing they call the bindpoint and miss Jennara was kind enough to explain it to me, but some of the things she said made me fear for Aby. I knew she had knelled in front of those strange cross, and I had done the same as her, but still. Finally she came back. Right away when she saw me she said not to say what I was about to say. Never the less we all apologized to her for not reacting quickly enough. We proceeded to go further in. She mined again but this time, without the help of Mr Omer she was having a bit more difficulties. When we went even further there again she got caught. I tried to use a potion on her as I saw her fell, but it was already to late. She hit the ground dead. By that time I was truly furious at myself. I had promised her father, her three uncles to take care of her and protect her and yet I kept failing. She never came back and I was starting to worry.
We hurried out of the place, splitted in four our findings and I left them. I went to fort Wayfare to get some roses in case i was going to meet her then. In fact I did she was sitting on the bench in Hempstead. I came to her and gave her the flowers and I tried to apologize again but this time she really got mad. In short, she was mad I was blaming myself for things that are out of my control. Even when I though after a while things were a little bit more settled, she got angrier when I attempted to make a small joke. I even tried at one point to just take her hand to gently massage it, hoping it would calm her a little bit but she just shook it off and coldly said don't.
I am so confused now .. she was more open before we got together or at the lake of glass where she fell asleep leaned on me. Now I can count on a single hand the time we actually held each others.. I know there is a lot of things happening fast in her life at the moment, I just hope that it will pass and that things will settle down a bit.
Anyhow when she felt strong enough again we went to do some venting on the local bandits and on the undead near Velh. I couldn't believe my eyes. That fool of Mr Quantum was there knelled letting himself get beaten all over again. We hurried to dispatched the deaders and when he finally got up, Abi shoved me out of the way and landed one hell of a punch straight on his jaw. She couldn't believe it, she was almost hysterical. She screamed at him and her voice broke down almost crying.
He led us to the fort near by and started explaining why he wanted to die to Abi. She didn't comprehend anything at first, still to much under the shock. He found out that many youngsters of the Toranite academy had went to test them self some place and they all died. His daughter was with them and she was turned into a vampire having fed herself. I am no father.. but I could understand the pain he must have felt when he explained to Abi he had to kill his own daughter. Abi was even more crushed then. And with each passing seconds I felt my heart being ripped out looking at her.
Finally after a while, he asked me to get closer, which I did and again he asked me to take good care of his Abi. I couldn't talk.. I just nodded. He then told Abi to take care of me, that I was a free spirit even if a misty, but a good man nonetheless. and he moved off into the night out of the fort.
After he left Abi collapsed sobbing and I didn't know if I should hold her or not. I mean if I went by what I had saw.. she would reject me again. But after a while I went to wrap her in my arms to try and comfort her just by holding her and before I could finish she got up. She needed to let her emotions go violently. We went on a killing spree of deaders, bone golems, Poisoned Giants, and then in Velh of skeletons and other things. In that crypt I let her fight on her one, I knew she was in no immediate danger and just kept healing her when she needed it.
After some time we made our way back toward Hempstead and stopped in the forest.. more like she collapsed again in sobs. This time I sat by her and Let her know after some time that she could lean on me if she wanted, simply by tapping on my left shoulder and telling her that I could be her rock only if for this night. She looked at her hands at that point and a small smile appeared. I was relieved that she was starting to feel better.
We talked for some time, her thanking me for being there, that she had still so many things running in her head, unanswered questions and also that she wants to organize a search party to find her uncle. I let her know that I would be there by her side, every step of the way and we started to walk again toward Hempstead.
Just as we were about to enter the town Miss Lee came out, I was surprised so was Abi. Miss Lee took Abi aside. I was sure she was going to tell her untrue rumor, but I let her do it,knowing that Abi knew the truth and nothing miss Lee could have said would have changed the facts and event.
At one point I saw Abi take her sword out and it lit on fire. She started to walk toward the fields and I caught up with her. She told me she knew where her father was going, but she needed to talk with the Toranite temple.
I followed her there, even walked up the stairs and stood in the entrance, but it didn't take long that I moved back down the stairs. She came out after some times and we headed back to her fathers house. And well the rest I already wrote.
The past events have made me think a lot. I have found that Many people I should consider Enemy are in fact decent people. And that the most gentle and shy person, as Miss Lee could turn out to be very scornful and I even dare say, a possible back stabber.
I'm starting to wonder if the teaching I was taught as a youngster about Mist, the changes she bring to test her followers and non followers, to make the stronger through trials, is still the path for me. Things I thought were a certainty in the teachings, I found to be untrue in some cases.
I have some serious thinking and soul searching to do. And with that I still have not found the guild of thieves and Nathalia.
-
Sunra, Oclar 1, 1423
*He steps out of the bath, towel to his waist, plops down on the cushion and starts to write into his dairy. His hand writing is precise, direct and confident. He is happy.*
HA! Take that! And one for the neutral guy and gal!
We caught her. She was in disguise, but her voice sounded familiar. Then she went back on her old habits, this time on a elf called Lance. Again when I tried to interpose myself to her she used her magic to render me motionless. When Abi saw that, straight ahead she yelled, "Hey he's mine". Sweet words to my ears.:D She got her self engulfed in the same spell as me. But still, once it wore off, we ran after them, Randi following us not sure of what was happening.
We caught up to Lance and Saida just outside of Hlint. Lance didn't seem to be in the same trance as Marcus was, but yet he was still trying to defend her until he finally gave up. Our resolve was unquestionable. She tried her tricks on me, but by now I knew some of them, never looked into her eyes. Abi trying to grab her, my sword to her throat, Lance enjoying the show, Randi still not understanding why someone should tell her how to use her magic.
Nonetheless, we kept one, we submitted her.. she gave up. Abi tied her hands and I moved behind her, sure not to look into her eyes, my sword now pressed on her spine. She was pleading, almost crying to what it seemed. Ruse, masquerade it was. in Hlint she yelled for help, used the town crier, who beside talking never dared make a move after I intimidated him into standing down. Abi got tired and she tried to knock her out, failed. I got tired and the feel of the metal pummel of my sword, she tasted on he back of her head. Ha! never thought I would hit an unarmed woman:\\ But Abi later put this thought to rest telling me she was armed in other ways. You have to love that pink haired free spirit that is her:p
To the Rofies she went. On the shoulder of Abi bound, gagged and veiled. A bit shameful I must say, but my sweetheart is stronger than me haha!. No mater I lover her for who she is. Into the temple of Velh, me, Lance and Randi waiting outside talking. I can't enter that place, I'm no priest of Mist, but still it doesn't feel right.
Finally, proud Abi came out with the thanks of the priest. Her father should be proud. I am proud. I am feeling very weird to.. I helped the law! Of course I was going to help it, to get rid of the syndicate that was running after me. But now, I helped the law, for no more reason than doing what's right. I didn't cared when Abi said she had gotten no rewards. I am changing. For better? For worse? I have no clue.
But the best in all that story is. By twice today she held me, and kissed me. And a third time in the same evening, she put her arm around me. :D I'm happy, happy, happy, happy. Crazy sure, but happy!
Okay... time to be a bit more serious now.
I talked to Rose Blair today. She found me gazing in the lit fireplace in the arms in. She knew something was wrong, she succeeded on sneaking on me in her armor. We talked for a long time about how my views were being shaken, how what I though to be true, were starting to be revealed as not so true. It all came down to one simple answer from her. Since you did not choose to follow mist, maybe you should take a look to the other faiths and find one that you believe or maybe you should just not follow one.
Why? simple. More and more I am feeling sick when people are pushed behind faith. Who is completely sure that he understand all the intricacy that are the will of the Gods? Zealots maybe, but still only mortal with only few exception of truly meeting the deity. Zealots maybe, but still subject to their own interpretation of what they think to be true. Should a child of a mother be left to die because they do not follow your faith? Should a living being be killed by your inactions because it did not think like you do? Even worse.. let say one day I am a father.. Mist requires me, in a test of faith, to give my child to death.. would I do it?... Never!!
So I guess that answers my question. I will not let faith or the illusion of faith guide my judgment. There is more to this life than believing in something that may or may not be there when you need it. That may or more probably not care about us simple beings.
For weeks my thoughts were unclear and the branding of the boat in a storm, the insignia of Mist, branded on me at the age of four, was itching constantly. Unconsciously, it was my mind, my incertitudes. But now it I know, it stopped itching but it doesn't feel right anymore.
I have found good and bad in all people, in all faiths and doctrines. I do not believe there is only one truth, but the one that we are all living beings and each deserves its chance to prove themselves as individuals, not based on simple doctrines.
I change. For better? For worse? I don't know.
on other issues that still presses on my mind..
I saw the horse that Mr Quantum used to ride. It was tied up to the tree that is in front of the Orc Basher's guild hall. I knocked on the door but no one answered and I did not hear any noise inside either. Later on I saw Miss Lee and even if I knew she felt of me but like a bug to squash with the heel of her boots, I went to her and inquired if she had news of Mr Quantum. unfortunately she had none and said that she was searching for him. I told her I was also looking for him and that I had seen his horse in town but not him. She decided to go look with the undeads. I think I don't even want to imagine what she might have done to those undead, while looking for him.
And last but not the least less important. No news of Nathalia or the guild of thieves. I keep searching and asking around to the locals, but no one has seen or heard of them, that I have found. It is getting a little irritating, but I will keep looking for them. I am ready, I know I am.
Fight.Gather. Love, Search. Makes my days pretty busy. But I like it.
*Goes to put his book away but stops and says "Do'h". Sets himself back into a comfortable writing position.*
I found out today that one of the words Mr Omer showed me was not what I had comprehended. Amac does not mean good, but fine.
Shiff.. yes Shiff, but Rose said he changed.. lets see.. and Miss Tegan showed me a few new words today.
Ceen, which means look
Oela, which means well
Amac, which truly means fine
Veew, which means good
Not really getting better on my accent, but at least my vocabulary is expending.
*After writing this, he now closes the book and goes to lay on his bed, falling asleep in a record time.*
-
Sunra, Oclar 15, 1423
Old and new,
Early in the day, Me Abi, Omer and Hunty went on a trip for Alex on my home.. well... where I was raised in my childhood. It was a good trip and we have fun. As they were resting and heating them self up a bit leaned her self back to back on me... I could have heated her better if she had been in my arms but for some reasons it seems that those sweet moment are few and sporadic in between.
As they were heating themselves up, Hunty tried to train a little but she couldn't concentrate as the cold was getting to her. I told her that this was actually the best thing for her. If she could succeed to concentrate and clear her mind in the harshest climate, she would be able to do it anywhere.
A lot of old faces from before my hiding time showed up today. Amilia, Go'rk, and the new faces Marcus and Blake, of course not forgetting my sweetheart Abi.
During out trip Go'rk proposed to me a job that would bring me five thousand trues. The catch, it was a termination contract. I had never been allowed nor wanted to take those contracts and now that I was finally living a seemingly peaceful life, with a wonderful woman in my life, I was not going to let it go. When I tild Go'rk the whys Abi had not understood, so I took her aside to explain what it meant and she was happy that I had refused the contract.
We continued our way to the mountain past Storans, it was a interesting trip until finally by a well prepared counter attack, the ogres greatly outnumbered us. I tried my best to cover Abi escape but it was to little to late. I don't blame myself though, like Abi said, you can't control everything and I tried my best to have her escape. We all fell and Amilia dinned with the soul ripper heartless mother.
We al got back together to fort Llast and Abi decided to go ahead and try to get her grave. I wasn't for that idea not and I took upon my weighted and weakened self to follow her. It didn't take time that she was already to far ahead, but since I was already there I would go get my grave. We met on one of the suspended bridge, she took a few tings from me so I could walk more easily and said that she would wait at a safe place.
When i reached er back whole again, I couldn't help but smile at her and gently caresses her check. She was Glad that I have made it back safely, except for a cut on my forehead. One of the boulders throwers had seen me and caught me straight on the nugget. She damped and applied some of the healing potion directly on the would, tenderly. I would have held her just there but Marcus was waiting for us, and she remembered.
As we were getting back to fort Llast we stumbled on Miss Sala and her husband Jako. They were heading into the crypts of Storans and again, Abi couldn't help herself but jump on the possibility of a new adventure and off we went. The first room went pretty badly, Abi got pretty hurt and was being chased by vampires and skeletons. I ran as fast as I could after them hitting them for them to leave her alone and they did. Now they were beating on me. undead and their inability at feel pain or bleed. My attacks are worthless against them. Finally with some major work, we manage to clear the first room. The others went much smoother but we didn't go to the anti-chamber. We made our way out and Abi was now tired so she left and I went my way.
Gathering Gathering and Gathering with talking to the locals to see if they have heard of Nathalia or the guild of thieves.
All in all, beside dying.. it was a good day.
-
Wedlar, Oclar 25, 1423
Abi is gone,
She told me and Eghaas in the hempstead bank, that she was leaving to go look for her uncle Quantum in the Brech mountain. I was ready to go with her, but she pursed her lips and said that she needed to go alone.
I shook me write there I wanted to tell her that I was going with her. but at the same time I know she has to do this and when she hugged me I hugged her back tightly telling her to come back safely. Never the less when she got out of the bank I had the worse feeling as if it was the last time I was seeing her.
I went to look for her for a day.. I know I shouldn't but that feeling.. it left me at a loss. I couldn't find any traces of her. The equipment I gave her is besting me. If something happens to her I will hate myself for eternity for not having been by her side when.. she needed me to. But Eghaas is right, it is her wish and I love her.
So I came back, a heavy heart and feets that did not want to obey my brain. All I can do is hope.. hope she will be safe.. hope she will find what she needs to find. Hope she will come back safely so I can see her angelic smile again.
-
Tunar, Novlar 3, 1423
*his handwriting is unthoughtful and messy*
It's been two weeks, I'm going crazy.
No news.. no bird.. no one has seen her.. no nothing. I'm worried even more than I ever was about the syndicate. Usually I buy her a rose bouquet per day, now I have been stock piling them since I can not give them to her. She said she would send word when she found him did she forget, did something happened?
I should have gone with her, Njord you are a stupid ox. I should be by her side. Should have tried longer and harder. I can survive these colds better than most since I was raised in a place as cold if not colder.. I know the tricks.. I.. I..
*a big blob of ink covers the bottom edge of the page as the ink vial fell with a line that goes sideways suggesting the quill slid of the page*
-
Threas, Novlar 12, 1423
I run day and night, night and day, all to keep myself busy.
If I stop i think, if I think I worry, if I worry.. I'll pack my things and go search for my love. Almost a month now... still no news. I run so much that I forget to sleep or eat until my stomachs makes it quite clear. Then after eating.. no choice but to sleep. And when I sleep.. I dream, and it's of her.
Then I wake up in a hurry, I look around and start running again, gathering things then cooking them. Each time I pass buy her the flower lady says she has more, but now I don't even listen.. I don't even look at her.
Hunty told me to keep faith in Abi's skill, I do, I know she is good. But it doesn't stop the worry, the possibilities of somethings going wrong. I told Hunty that I knew i cared and love Abi when she was there, now that it's been almost a month, I know how much I truly do.
I should of kept looking.
-
Mulnari, Novlar 16, 1423
*His handwriting shows exhaustion*
Can't take it ..
Got enough food, fire.. water not a problem.. must go. Will search every inch.
*Unlike his habbit the Dairy is left open on the floor near the cushion*
-
Mulnari, Decilar 2, 1423
*he picks his journal up from the ground looking at it then his bed where it should be and shakes his head remembering he had not put it there.*
2 weeks. I've searched every inch of the mountains. 2 weeks worrying and looking for her night and day. Finally when I came back at Brenuh to get more provision, I overheard some dwarf saying that the tenant of the crypts had gone away with a young woman with pink hair.
figures....:\\
I guess the snow storm I was in for the beginning of the trip covered the tracks of them getting back.
Well I'm back, relieved that she is safe. I missed her so much:( but I still haven't seen her. She found him.. I guess she forgot to send the bird that she said she would. Or, she did and no one told me. I guess I will find that out soon.
Well gotta shave, take a long overdue bath then try to be easy to find in case she is looking for me. I guess I'll wait at the stormcress.
-
Tunar, Decilar 3, 1423
Well the fire is good,
I'm waiting, not doing anything for once. It's a big change of pace from the past few months. I'm waiting for her to come, the angel of my life.
While I was waiting I tried to open my mind more to let the shadows engulf me. But yet again, they come and stop then go back. I must say my concentration is lacking as of late, but with all that has been happening, it's quite normal.
I just wish to see her soon, I am missing her deeply, sweet Abi, her sweet smile and laugh.
While I was waiting, I had my real first talk with Eghaas. It was calm, open minded, although he kept reading all the time. We talked about Abi, how he came to be her uncle. About a dark elf name Saida. I don't think its the same person we apprehended me and Abi. About faith too and how if we go on preconception we can forget the person who is behind the faith or race. And Also about his faith.. I had more questions than anything really, but he answered some of them, in his way. It was a pleasant conversation.
Well, time to try again with the shadows while I wait for her. Sending her a bird would probably be a good Idea, but unfortunately my trip to find her, cost me the last funds I had.
*writes on the same page*
Well I just noticed a band of bandits trying to sneak back to their camp near the Stormcrest. I followed them and made sure they would not hurt anyone. Finding in the process enough gold to write to my angel.
-
Threas, Decilar 5, 1423
I am still waiting for the angel that swept my heart to show up at the Stormcrest.
All there is here at the moment is the fire and all the shadows around me. I keep trying, concentrate, clear my mind, make them feel that I want to become one with them. They come to me, so close, so close. Yet still shy to cover me.
I must have talked to hundreds of the locals, asking them if they ever met a person name Nathalia or the guild of thieves. Either they do not know, or they are too afraid to say where to find them. Maybe both.
I'll keep searching.
-
Tunar, Decilar 17, 1423
An other month has passed by and still I have not seen my pink haired angel, since she came back with her uncle.
It is unbelievable how much I have come to miss her, her presence, he smile, her giggle, her seldom touch, her voice speaking to me softly or not so softly depending on the occasion. I think I would rather have her mad at me but by my side, than her not being here. It is now our sixth month together, but two of these, we have spent apart. I am starting to wonder if all is alright.
It gave me the time to keep searching for Nathalia and the guild of thieves, which I have yet to find trace, do some gathering and also condition my mind to greet the shadows and accept their presence over me, to project the want to be one with them.
Things are moving slow every where now... Every dya I hope to see her, but it is in vain.
-
Freas, Decilar 20, 1423
No words, no news.
I'm writing this while the oat wort is boiling.
I am mad and yet sad. I went and picked the halfling falcon trainer by the shirt and slammed him against the wall. He assured me on the head of his children that the falcon had returned without its message in his casing and that his falcon were never wrong before. It's only then that I saw them in the door frame. I looked down and shook my head and apologized to the man. I even gave him 600 gold piece as compensation and I left.
After two weeks of her receiving the message, she still had not given me sing of life. No letters, no words saying she missed me but was detained by a duty or anything. No words from a friend saying the same.. nothing.
When I finally see her will I be happy? of course, but i will probably be mad too, for leaving me in the dark this way without knowing what was happening if she was alright. I miss and love her though and that's an undeniable fact. I guess she maybe doesn't care.
I wondering and maybe thinking to much. I just wish she would give me any sing of life.
//ooc the dates are a bit iffy I had not taken the time to verify the date using the time converter on lore. But all in all they seems to match with a little bit of play.
-
Freas, Decilar 27, 1423
*Brian trashes around in his bed until he wakes up exhaling violently. He gets up and walks around in his room for a few minutes trying to compose himself. Then he picks his journal and sits on the cushions*
I had not dreamed of this for months, of my real father coming in the village and almost exterminating us all. OF seeing my adoptive mother almost cut in two by his sword.
*he stops and the ink starts to make a blob on the page.*
Why is it that I never see his face in my dreams or memories, only that his eyes are glowing gold? It's the only piece I am missing.
I am unsure of my resolve regarding him anymore. With all that has been happening, my will to change to become a better man, even my views about how people should be put before faith to give them the chance to prove themselves and Abi. My intents that were so clear a few years ago are now clouded.
I don't know anymore.
Still no news from Abi, Nathalia or the guild of thieves. It seems that these three entities are avoiding me like the plague, in a way.
Melana thinks that Abi has just been to busy, so does Hunty and that maybe she had things to think about, that when she would finally be back all would be normal. I hope they are right but still A single note doesn't take an conquering marching army to write up.
"Patience little Njord, Patience, everything in small steps" as Dorlic would say.
*he lets the ink dry then closes the journal and goes back to bed*
-
Threas, Jenra 5, 1424
*Njord comes in his room wobbly a bottle in his hand. As he comes in, he Kicks the cushion that he usually sits on to write his journal and throws the bottle on the wall. When he writes you can see he is heavily entoxicated as his hand writing goes every where on the page and is almost unreadable.*
furrious, yep furious
Here I am, me..little njord all worred avout her, madly worried.. getting sick of worrying.. sand then she come bak, see Eghaas the leaf wacker . no letters.. see blake a week ago he sais.. no lettres. Yep.. been fooooled again. plaid. should have known.. can't trust sanyone.
Sure they all laughin now seeingme. Well won't laugh for long..
gone will be little njord gone. Lake.. bye bye
*he opens an other bottle dropping some of it on the book as he stumbles trying to get up. When he finally succeed, he leaves, leaving his room door open. His book carried with him by the cover*
-
Satari, Jenra 14, 1424
Ow my head!
I woke up, my head splitting, throbbing, hurting.. Slowly my eyes opened and focused on a falcon standing on my chest poking and pulling at my lips trying to wake me up, their bleeding, I guess he tried for a long time.
I looked around and saw many emptied bottles on the ground. Finally after quacking in my ears and keeping poking at me, dancing from leg to leg on my chest, I noticed a message.
I took it and read it, but the bird staid there looking strangely at me. As if it either wanted me to feed him, make sure i read the letter or write an other letter.
It was a letter from Abi, she finally found a quill, and three minutes to write to me....
She says she is sorry for not writing when she came back, for not seeing me when she came back but that so many things had happened that she had to put all of it together. And if not to be expected.. that she would be gone again for a while. A hunt.. she can't tell me where. Apparently just sending this is putting her in danger. I guess I could take this as a sign that she cares, somewhat.
The bird was still there quacking furiously at me. So I wrote her a reply.
Abi,
I awaited news from you for months and I heard you had seen other people but not even wrote to me once in that time. I can not say that I am happy, although receiving this letter shows you didn't totally forget about me.
Be safe will you?
the one who still loves you even if he is mad.
Brian
I folded the message and placed it in the message case that is tied on the bird. He still staid there goggling at me and jumping on my chest. I didn't understand why until he went down toward my leg and bit at a gashing wound that was starting to get infected.
I yelled out of pain and he looked at me quacking. I gave him a piece of cheese then finally he left with the message. Now that I looked at my hands, Abi will receive a message with blood stains on it.
I got up as painful as it was, and started a fire. I left my blade in it until it was searing hot then left it to cool. When it was cool enough I scrubbed the infected skin out. I had forgotten how painful this was. Teaches me to run drunk. With the rest of one of my bottles I spilled the hammer bock on the wound and heard the sizzling of the alcohol disinfecting my wound. This time I yelled so loud that the birds in the trees flew away in masses. While I was doing that I had put my blade back in the fire. It was glowing red again. I looked at it, then my wound and back at it again, apprehending the pain and stench this would do, not mentioning the scar. I took a piece of wood and put it in my mouth, then rapidly I pressed the burning sword straight on my wound. I heard the frizzle then I guess, I passed out.
I woke up and I was in the Miranet it self, the tenant had heard my scream and rushed out. There was an elf woman, a healer, there that did wonders, the scar that I should have had was almost gone. They told me to rest here for a few days and when I looked at the chair beside the bed I saw they had fixed my armor. I also realized that I was naked under the blanket. I turned red immediately and she giggled.
"I'm a healer, I have seen many things."
Was her only words before she left the room with the others, giving me a wink as she got out.
My head is still throbbing after the few days I staid. I drank so much, I remember when I left hempstead.. but I don't remember getting here nor how I got injured. My leg is totally healed now. If they had not healed me, I would still be limoing around painfully. I think it's time I go back now.
She wrote, at least its that.
-
Wedlar, Jenra 18, 1424 *in a very shaky hand writing*
I have spoke to Melana and Blake in the last few days. Both have said they would help me with my problem. They will try to keep me away from the bottle as much as they can, the rest is up to me.
Due to the tremors, all I can do is collect things and even that is hard. I can not hold my swords properly, I lack in strength and agility, my whole body aches. In a lot of ways, it is better that my love is far away for now. I would not want her to see me in this state.
I just hope that by the time she comes back, I will have gotten through with this.
Also this does not help in my search for Nathalia and the guild of thieves. I have expended once again my search, and I am now looking and asking even on dregar. I stay as far away from the cities that I know the Syndicate to be implanted in. On that note I have not received any words from Abi's father. He should have gotten the information I sent him by now.
Drinking was such an idiotic thing to do..
-
Sunra, Jenra 22, 1424
For the last couple of days I have staid mainly on Dregar, collecting and searching for Nathalia and the guild of thieves. Unlike Mistone the people here seems are a little more talkative. Go figure with all that has been happening here I would think they would keep more to themselves. Some say they have heard of the name but did not know from where, even noticed some rubbing their figures as if expecting a reward. Others seem to want to talk, but keeps silent even if I do offer them some gold piece.
The tremors are getting worse.. it's harder than the first time I had stopped drinking. But since I am on the run always running from a place to an other, I don't have time to stop and buy more liquors. And when I do its to eat sleep and meditate. At least that is back to normal, I have regained the control over my mind I had lost and once again the shadows come to me but as always they shy away just when they are about to touch me. I did notice something fascinating today, The way the shadows dance, even if for people it seems to be responding to the light source, I have noticed that some of the shadows seems to move as if they were answering each other movement. Maybe this is how they communicate in this realm.
How long has it been since I have felt her hand.. seen her smile.. I lost count of the days, to long. They say that time apart can make people grow fonder of each others. Some also say that love with big distance can not work. I hope this is not the case.. but I guess only time will tell. I would write to her again, tell her in better words to be careful, than what I think I remember writing. Actually I kinda hope that the falcon got shot down by a hungry farmer or something, like this she wouldn't get this message where I'm pretty sure I sounded mad.. well I was.. it's the truth. Still am a little. I don't know why but I have the feeling that I am the last person on her list of people to see. Okay im dramatizing.. hopefully. Anyhow, "Patience little Njord patience, everything in smalls steps" Dorlic, I don't know if you ever realized that I have little patience???? But I try.
I found a wounded man today in the field near Lor. As I was going to help him I noticed he had a Katia amulet around his neck. By instinct I stepped back but then I realized what I was doing. I was putting faith before the person. He was gravely wounded and needed help. The man is more important than misconception driven by the dogma which may as well be misread by a zealot who hated a person for personal gain. It's going to take me a while before I finally let go of everything I was fed as a child. I never choose it, it was force on me with the fear of being casted away.
Anyhow the night is falling, better get a fire started and meditate practicing my mind for the day I am finally one with the shadows.
-
Tunar, Febra 10, 1424
I saw abi,
I went in the craft hall for some reason, I had something to do but I forgot what it was. I remember Dalia standing on top of one of the high shelf refusing to come down. Then I heard her voice.
I turn around and there she was repairing her armor. I was stunned at firts then a bit mad. She started saying that it had been a few hard weeks. "Try months" came out of my mouth a bit rudely I have to say. She was surprised and started counting on her hands, even asked me if I was sure. "I stopped counting on mid third". She was even more surprised and said that id didn't seem that long, again my words went faster than reason "obviously".
I guess I had some frustrations that needed to come out, but did it had to be on her? :( Anyhow she noticed my tremors and slowly came to me and took my hands asking me what was wrong. I will not lie to her and I told her what had happened. That i was worried, then went looking for her, heard she and mr quantum had left the mountains, went back as fast as I could to hempstead, finding Eghaas who told me he saw her and she was well, but then no news and no Abi again. Told her that after a while, Blake had told me he saw her, and I that point I was had gotten furious and in a moment of stupidity went and took on the bottles I had found in the kobolds stash. I told her everything.. Maybe it was a mistake, but I do not feel like lying to her.
At first she was mad.. mad about Eghaas not telling me, she had spent time aiding her uncle after she found him and her and Mr Quantum had come back from the mountain. Then she explained everything that had happened on her side, how she had to help some people and then had to go with a group and stumbled on a dragon that was hurt and seemingly being used as a ritual or something. She told me that after she had came back she went again looking for more clues but the trail had went cold. Then she told me how much she loved the dragon isle, well all but the mosquitoes.
When she calmed down a bit, I gave her the gifts I had been holding for her for months. Surprisingly the apples were still fresh, but the flowers had dried out. Still she thought of the gift to be sweet. We kept talking for a time, well i asked question and she talked about what she had seen and all, she found cherry trees and it reminded her of her mom. There was a lot of smiling going on, grinning to. Finlay as she was talking I was still holding her hands, I slowly motion her to come closer which she did a little. I didn't want to push it knowing she was probably still mad. At that point I told her that i was happy for two things. One that she wasn't eaten by the dragon and he second that she was back. I even told her there was something I was hoping that we would do soon, providing she did not have to leave again. I let her languish a bit, just enough for her to ask what it was. "watching you fish and me cooking it for you" She grinned and said she would like that but she had things to take care first. Laughing a bit she told me I could always watch her repair her armor. Which of course I did.:p
Finally she had to go see her father and I walked her to his guild hall.She hugged me and I hugged her back and we parted ways for now.
Knowing her she is probably still mad so I have some patching up to do. Even though, even if at first when I saw her I was a bit mad, I am still happy I got to see her again. And Like I said, I would rather have her be mad at me but present, than her not being there. hopefully she will not be mad at me for to long.
-
*his hand writing is more determined than it ever was*
Sunra, Febra 22, 1424
Insecurities always insecurities,
To many changes to fast, her absence, what I thought I had perceived, my rash anger at a situation that wasn't there, me falling back to drinking. Only one night, but enough to completely destroy every thing.
She said she liked me a lot, but could not be the cause of my breaking down. She said that for now we had to take our time apart. For me to deal with my issues and become again the man she knew and liked.
I am a fool with no wisdom what so ever, but I am not dumb. I will face this head strong. I will regain what all that crushed me in the past months has stripped me of. I will do it for her, but truly I will do it for me. The desire to change was sparked by her, but even when she was not there I kept changing, getting a better man. I will become that rock on which she was able to support when she was in need. I will remove any fears that she might have about her being my downfall. She was not.. I was.
If it is to be, we will be together once again, if it is not to be, I will simply be a better man. One who had the grace to meet such a wonderful person as Abi.
But I am not giving up the hope that with this time apart we will find our way back together. I need to fight, I need to regain that spark, that inner strength that I had. If not for her, than for me.
with this writing I make my resolve clear. I will be the one who I am meant to be. No crutches, no excuses. Even the healer of Ilsare in Hlint agrees that the time apart might be what is needed. I understand now, that it is. It is for me to become better, stronger, someone to be dependable on in good and bad. Some one not moved by the small laps of time, or lack of mental strength.
I will conquer my losses, I will over come my weakness and I will kill it once and for all. I will never be weak enough, again to fall pray to my addiction. And even if I was troubled, broken, sadden. I will never fall back into it. The first time I stopped was by necessity. Now I do it to be free.
She kissed me before leaving me, this was all I needed, it kicked me, it wiped me awake. Watch me go world, watch me go Dorlic, Njord will rise again, he will be vigorous again, steady and now straight.
My name is Njord, future shadow dancers, I have came from hell and found peace, I have fallen to the abyss and now I will rise again. I am the only master of my destiny, the only master of my thoughts. I will not bow down to adversity. I will not falter to the one who cares for me.
-
*his handwriting is barely readable as his tremors worsens*
Wedlar, Mar 11, 1424
The pain.. it's excruciating.. the tremors wont stop for more than a few hours at a time now, each time they get worse. I.. don't know what was in those ale I gto from the kobolds after killing the *the handwriten worsens as the shakes starts to take over him* .l.lot but Marcus may be riG..ht. I thinK I'm psoioned. I..t wasn't LIke this th the first time.
need to find m.Arcus.
-
Tunar, Apreal 10, 1424
I have been stranded on dregar for days with the pain. I t has subsided enough for me to start my way back. I feel so sick even now as i write, but the tremors and pain are manageable enough to walk and sneak past danger.
I miss Abi very much, but if I am to prove to her that she has nothing to fear, I must stay strong and keep on. I will have victory over this.. I must.
I must find Marcus.
-
Freas, Apreal 13, 1424
Well I managed to get back to mistone and not a few hours there that I fall on Abigail and a bunch of people. I didn't want her to see me like this so I hide, but I did leave her a little present for her to find, which she did. Then here comes Saida again. Abi sniffed her out and ran after her, so did bear and Mr Caigh. I just couldn't let Abi get in trouble so I followed and when Saida was cornered thats when I showed myself. Abi yelled out my name in surprise but I staid focus on the task at hand.
We captured her once again and to finally get her to stop moving and gave her a kick on the side of the face and it cut her cheek. Mr.Caigh wasn't happy but it did the trick. Abi explained to him why she thought I did it. She is wrong tough, there was no revenge in that. I just wanted her knocked out cold. But with her saying that, it calmed Mr. Caigh a bit which is good.
We got Saida at a Luncidite temple, I can't believe the healer actually said to Saida she was now safe.. She is a murderer for haven sakes and they would be all gentle and cuddly to her? It didn't take long that I spoke my mind and of course it ticked the healer, fine by me if she wants to be mad, but she needs to know who she is dealing with and I think i got my point across.
Bear was a bit nosy though, a bit to much.. in the end I had to tell Abi what I understood the reasons for the quake. She was stunned and immediately said that we would have to find a cure. Later on she gave me a flower that has healing power and we talked a bit. She still needs time to sort her thoughts out and I still need time to regain that strength and heal completely. My body is a wreck but my mind is good, her body is good but her mind is a wreck. I guess thats a little irony. I told her I would be there when ever she needed me and I will. I need to show her she can count on me and trust me again.
It will take time due to how she is shaken by the events that happened to her. Good thing, I got lots of it.
-
Sunra, Mai 15, 1424
I haven't seen Marcus yet and I am starting to worry. The pain, the tremors.. I think I will ask Mr Quantum for his help and Randi.
Speaking of her, we went on a trip not so long ago with bear, Ellis, and Lance. That guy needs a serious knee somewhere. The way he treats Randi, I am still wondering why she bothers to keep him around.
And this Ellis think that theres is good shadows. Never heard of such things, certainly not from either Kinai, J'ser or Hawklen. I think she will get a serious surprise, she thinks she can deal with them on her own tearm. I'll keep to my way, its longer, maybe duller, but at least I will not risk losing Abi even more.
If I could only find Marcus.. can't wait any longer even if he is the one I trust the most after Pink Tiger.
-
Mulnari, Junar 2, 1424
I have finally found Marcus.
Well rather he found me. He sent me a bird stating he was in a fix and needed my help. When I got to him he explained to me his problem, and I gave him the small amount of gold I had to help him out. Then I explained to him my problem, the pain, the tremors and the fact I am poisoned. I also gave him the left over of one of the bottles of the kobolds. He will need it to identify what it is that was so toxic. I made him swear that he would not tell Abi on the seriousness of the problem. Lets hope he keeps to his words, as we were getting back to Abi, I don't know.. he seems a bit to .. how could I say it.. it was almost as if he was flirting with her.
Abi was not in the mood though, as she was talking to her father and Mr Quantum. They asked us for some privacy and left into their guild hall. I hope everything is fine, I would hate for something else to fall over Abi and hurting her even more than she is now. I haven't seen her since...
Before all of that though, we had a trip with Miss Sala, Hunty, Abi, Dalan and blake. It didn't go so well though. Something strange happened, when I was hitting the ghostly shadows there, every time i killed one it would explode into flames. The the ground started to shake and some kind of mist appeared. Hunty had fallen and Miss Sala brought her back to life. While they were recuperating in the hall way, the exploding shadows left me perplexed. So I sneaked back in the room, I needed to know why this was happening. As I closed the door I heard Abi yell out my name. I didn't think of it then, but now .. it shows she still very much care for me.. I think.
Any how I sneaked back in, looked around at the bodies, but the shadows had dissipated. The mist came back and the ground shook. Then this . Vampire i think, came out of know where. Thank fully it didn't saw me, but the door to the corridor opened and I moved as fast but quietly as I could back out and closed it. Unfortunately the vampire had seen the others through the door and decided he would pursue us.
It was a furious and long battle, he kept casting darkness, then he called for one of his friends. Dalan got the fear.. the same kind that you get from the mommies, and Abi rushed to his aid. My heart broke when I saw her fall in a white flash illuminating through the darkness. I rushed back in and tried my best to bring down that vampire. No one could hit him strong enough to kill him, but then Miss Sala casted a healing spell. I remembered at that moment a lesson that Mr Quantum had given to the public about the effect of positive energy on the undeads. At the time it seemed a bit alien to me but now that I have seen it in action I understand a bit more. Not completely, but enough to know the effect it has on the deads.
We headed out to rest and then back in to rescue Abi. I could not stay outside as they wanted me too. In Fact no one could. But as Miss Sala and Blake had passed the mommies and i was using the shadows as cover, Hunty came by and was spotted. I had to come out of hiding to help her out and I almost fell my self to that thing that my swords seemed only to tickle. We nevertheless got out and Abi was fine. A bit shaken but fine. Hunty was not though, she was crying for a long time and left while the group talked to an other group. I followed her so did Dalan. Ouch! Dalan needs to learn tact, you don't go saying that even her folks died, when she just saw he best friend fall. He left seeing that he wasn't helping and I staid with hunty.
Abi came shortly after and they started to talk. I felt that I was not needed and I staid away letting them talk. It took some time, an hour or two I think, but finally they both got up and we left for the silkwood cave, hunty by her self to go rest.
The trip with Abi was great, just me and her. I loved that moment. But she is concerned about what is happening to me. I try to hide it the best I can, so she does not get more worried, but I think she can see that I am getting worse.
Marcus you better find an antidote soon.. I don't know how long I can keep this going without Abi seeing completely through it and getting more worried than she already is.
*He looks at what he wrote, happy to have been free of the pain long enough to write. He then closes the Dairy and heads to his bed*
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Freas, Seplar 27, 1424
They would try to hurt the woman I love? They have something coming their way.
Marcus didn't know much and I didn't leave him time to say more, I ran straight to the orc bashers were Tegan told me little. It's only when we found her through some clues she left that Only I seemed to see, that I was explained what had happened. Something she might say could cause trouble to Saida. The funny thing about this, is that if it wasn't for me, Abi would never have gotten involved in this. I had more interaction with that witch and foiled her plans more than Abi ever did.
Barion said its because they would trust her word more, being the daughter of a Rofy. Maybe, or because they have a harder time tracking me down, which ever, they messed with the wrong woman.
And to say the shadows started to annoy me right then when I needed them. I tried to use them to get to cover, even in a dark corner where I just wanted to hid they completely moved out of the corner leaving me completely exposed. I don't know whats wrong, they are playing with me maybe, but it could cost my my life and also cost me the ability to follow my target without being spotted. Even if I can not use them in the proper shadow dancer way, I'm still able to use them to conceal me than just standing there in plain day light. Frustrating to say the least.
Anyhow took some supplies, now to find my target.
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Wedlar, Oclar 4, 1424
This trial is a farce, these supposed Gods are a farce too.
So much for law and order, so much for seeing something different in Caigh. I am sick and tired of hearing anything about gods, they don't exist they don't care, I don't care.
Honor and virtue My arse. When someone who has participated in the arrest of a criminal and then turn his coat around to defend her in court.. there is no honor or virtue in that.
Honor and law, what a joke. I'm sure they made a deal behind the curtains for her to actually plea guilty, where is the law in that, where is the justice in that. Honor only when it suits you.
Chaos and change.. I had my fill, and I am sick of it.
*His hand writing starts to become unclear*
I've said it *a blouch of bloods is seen on the page after he coughed roughly* before. People first, trust no one because of their beliefs. There is liars in all faiths.
I already scratched my branding away, it doesn't show anymore. I'm through with Gods and Deities, they can all kiss my ... *an other blood stain covers the last words*
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Wedlar, Oclar 11, 1424
I think I'm going crazy...
I. I don't know what is happening, one moment the shadows avoid me the others they don't. I was walking in the dark alleys of Velh where I thought I had spotted my target. When I thought he was going to turn to check on his tail I stepped into the shadows of a corner, instantly I was projected ten feets away. I couldn't believe this.. I still can't. It never happened before.
But that is not the worse.. I'm starting to hear voices.. Is it the poison that is now affecting my mind? maybe.. or maybe its them.. talking.. I just can't make out what is being said.. it's a bit disconcerting. Dorlic never told me that..
But I don't know why, when ever I train my mind and see them come, something still holds them back.. somethings still blocks me from becoming one with them. Although I noticed when I was in the darkness of the troll cave on Alindor that it is a lot easier there. It's almost as if I could reach for them.. but I have not been able to beside the time I was jumped ten feet ahead into an other shadow.
I have to find out why.. I need to find out why.
//shadow dancer cdq
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Tunar, Oclar 24, 1424
I've spent the las week down in the deep caves in heave, hiding and sneaking around the Gnolls. All that to be closer, I can feel them so much better here. I still her them, don't comprehend them but I'm sure it's the shadows that are talking to each other.
I still cant become one with them yet, but just to be able to feel them this close, closer than before, it's a little intoxicating.
Got to be careful, I hope the Gnolls don't hear them...
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Threas, Novlar 26, 1424
Well Marcus found a cure and also that the poison I have is an ancient living poison.
Apparently it even made the great library librarian go pale when he saw what Marcus was looking for, and hes a drow. He told me that there was five regent for it a dragons heart, a drow ceremonial knife, a potion of heal from a powerful elven temple, poison from a queen spider and fresh vampires blood. As in every thing there is a catch, if the cure goes bad, I could inherit the weakness of the vampire... which is the sun... There is how ever a temporary solution. There is a potion that could put the poison to sleep but the slightest alcohol drop would bring me excruciating pain, and if I went and got drunk, it would revive the poison and it would keep eating me from the inside out. Apparently the librarian said he should kill me right away and burn me in a very hot fire to prevent contagion.
Well go with the second option until he can get the cure and a stable one.
While we were talking though, I kept getting distracted by his shadow and mine. They kept talking but I still couldn't understand what they were saying.
My training have been to a stand still, unless im in somewhere dark and usually deep in a cave. I feel so much closer to them there. I know I'm close I can feel it.
Even if we are not together anymore I still miss Abi, I hope everything is fine where she is. I lost track of my target though.. It worries me a little.
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Wedlar, Jenra 11, 1425
I don't feel comfortable around people anymore, It's not because I'm going back to my old habits, but more because they just makes me nervous. The only one who I am still comfortable around and I hope ths will never change is Abi..
I spend my time more and more alone in the deep caves on dregar, their dark, their silent, no one around.. I can hear the shadows now clearly but I still don't understand them.
I should come out more often and see Abi before I lose her completely. But the comfort of the darkness.. I guess it wont hurt I spend a bit more time with her.
Also after this order I am quiting the gathering business.. I can't do it anymore with receiving the constant demands.. I think it pushes me even more to go in solitude.. I took that business up anyway to be able to do something that would look better in the eyes of Abi.. to be able to afford gifts for her and now it's making me crazy.
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Tunar, Febra 24, 1425
I am free somewhat from the poison.
Marcus found and gave me the antidote, and at the house of Abi, barely in the nick of time she tells me, she made me drink it. For three days she stayed mostly by my side, tending to me, I was out almost dead she says. All I remember is my constant dreams of my father coming at the village and massacring every one and her voice. In all my dreams.. In all this time I heard her talk to me sweetly hoping for me to come back, I swear i could also feel her touch, holding my hand or on my forehead. Even after the three days of torment I put her through with all the delirium, the vomiting, the convulsions, She staid with me for a couple more days while I was recuperating.
By the time I woke up and felt strong enough to walk, I was such in a withdrawal state for being so long away from the shadows that I didn't pay to much attention and I hurried back to the caves in dregar. I feel bad about it, Abi deserved better, she deserves better. I can be so stupid at time, I should have stayed there with her longer, to be there as she has been there for me. I have sent her a letter this morning tellin gher I was sorry for rushing away and that I will be back by her side soon to spend more time with her. I owe her so much now, not just because of what she did, but because of what I feel for her.
I have been training to tune down all the voices I hear that were making me crazy. I don't mind hearing them, it's not understanding them that gets to me. I am succeeding slowly I think. At least I can control how much I hear, it's always there, but I can focus on other things now without being disturbed to much by all the voices.
I'll stay here for an other week, training my mind even more. My concentration is back, I feel strong again, I am better. It will stay this way as I will never touch a drop of alcohol again.
Soon I will go back to Abi, hopefully she will see how strong I have gotten back. Different somewhat, but still me.
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Freas, Mai 6, 1425
I have control over my concentration again, I have control over this craziness, I can listen when I want to but I still here them, I just phase them out.
I have also decided that training so far from Abigail was unfair to her. I know we are not together and that I have lots to prove back to her, but I still see how much she cares for me. I saw it when I died from one of the goblin mages death magic spell. When I came to her after I was raised, she got mad, she punched me, made me promise never to do that again. Dying.. a hard promise to make not to die again. When I tried to comfort her she was almost on the brink of falling into tears and it sadden me but mostly made me mad at myself for putting her through an ordeal again. Even if this time It wasn't my fault.
So I have decided that even if I can not stand the people anymore, that I am extremely uncomfortable around everyone but her, that I would train closer to her, so we could spend more time together. And to that effect I found out that the deep of Haven were dark and deep enough to make me feel close to the shadows, even the red light could do if I feel like a change from time to time. But Haven is closer, its darker, it's perfect.
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Threas, Mai 19, 1425
My training goes on, I am now sitting down in the last level of Haven mine. Even their best can not see me here and with the poison dormant, I do not fear losing my concentration anymore.
I can feel the shadows so well here, they are soothing, they are every where. I am glad I decided to come back to mistone to complete my training. I am ready. I know I am, I am giving myself up completely to them no more holding back, no more questions.
This is what I was meant to be and I will be who I am meant to be. I just hope that Abi will still be there. I think I know what i have lost, it was my self confidence in my self, in my abilities and in hers. I lost faith for a time about her feelings, I even thought she was avoiding me. That was not a show of trust, and that was being weak on my part.
I am no longer weak. I will fight for what I want, I will fight for her and by her side even die if I have to. I will have faith in her even if she leaves for a time again, I wont falter anymore.
So here I am, in the darkness of the mine, facing foes that does not even comprehend who I am or where I am, but I am there I see them, they don't I hear them, they don't. The darkness is my ally, the shadows my protectors. I am ready and I give myself completely to them.
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Tunar, Augra 17, 1425
Something is up, i can feel it. First Marcus breaks the heart of Jaelle and she runs away somewhere asking me not to find her. Then Berak starts acting all strange when I appear and Abi was there... he better not.. I don't know if I could forgive something like that. Probably not.
Then there is Chiara, who seems sad to after having a good time swimming around at the Stormcrest. She lost her love and it is making her sad a little.
My trainings goes on, still in haven, opening my mind, trying to reach the right mind set, will or what ever you can call it that will tell the shadows I am ready. It's slow but I will succeed.
Berak.. just can't get out how he reacted after I appeared.. he's hiding something I'm pretty sure of it. He was never like this around me before. I hate surprises.. and this is about the worse I could ever get.
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Tunar, Seplar 10, 1425
Well Berak was honest and he told me how he felt about Abi, I can't say I am really happy at all. It confused me and when I found abi all I coudl do is give her somethings back and was about to leave, but she pulled it out of me. Berak thought she might want more with him, and that he always liked her, but never tried to get her because of me. It was for that same reason that he decided to talk to me, friendship.
Abi isn't sure what she wants, she likes him and he makes her feel like I used to, the feeling you have when you first start to notice someone. usually doesn't last when you start to actually meet the person and get to know him. It either grows into something more or dies off. Yet even after telling me this, she still didn't close the door to a future us.. It confuses me I have to say. The good thing is that even when both of them told me that, what would have usually have me sought for the bottle to try and forget, didn't. Even if my poison is just dormant, I am nonetheless cured.
On an other hand, the honesty that Berak showed toward me made me realize i could trust him, he now knows and he helped me with something. I closed a chapter of my life that day. The branding of the Syndicate is no more, he burned it off for me.
I needed some time alone, so when I could I excused my self without them realizing why. I went to Dregar and without realizing it myself I was in the great dunes. Where Randi found me. We talked about things about what had just happened. She feels it isn't fair for Abi to not close the doors completely, letting me still hope, that I should try to move on. Hard to do when the only good thing that happened in my life, out of all the misery, the sadness, the hatred and evil that i have gone through, is Abi. This is why I am clinching to that hope.. Maybe she is right, maybe I should just let go... I don't know.
We hunted down more topaz for her and some giants. it changed my mind off things a little.
I haven't got any news from Jaelle yet, I hope she is doing alright. Haven't seen Chiara either. We had a really great time at the Stormcrest the other day, she surprised me with something that is very personal for the sea elves. I don't know.. it didn't make me feel bad at all, and still doesn't just.. special. She is sad though, and lonely. She told me that the last time she had shared that was with her love Aylana, which has now rejoined her goddess Shindaleria. I think I may be to compassionate for my own good. I try to help people with their heart problems, when I am not even able to help myself with mine.
The really bad news is that I am now in a dead end. I am getting no where in my trainings. It maybe that it is time I find outside help, either a shadow or the guild of thieves. I had looked to the guild for a long time without getting no where either.. So I am a bit let down right now about this. I love my sanity, but if it means not achieving my dream.. I don't know if it's worth that much.
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Freas, Seplar 20
I found her by pure luck as I was traveling back from hurm toward getting corn. I decided to take the long way again today because I still needed to clear my head.
She was with a group of people at Corax lake.. so much for hiding away from people. I was stunned to see her, and she was more than stunned to see me. She avoided me, kept away and ignored me at best when I didn't catch a glimps of her looking at me.
Indeed it was Jaelle that got attacked by Sallaron. And I learned more when I tried to find her in the past week. A man fitting the description of Hardragh was seen with her in the inn of Hurm, at first the bartender was really avard of information saying that he remembered her such a lovely face a real shame with the scar, and that she had spent the night with a bloke, bloke that the description fit Hardragh. When I tried to know more he started to get hesitant money did manage to tell me that he felt Hardragh was manipulating her but after that when I pressed on for more information I got ejected from the inn. I guess I'll get in contact with Gork, a little job for him, small retribution.
When we finally talked before I left, it wasn't an easy thing at all. I don't know why exactly it was that way for me, but it was. She was mad that I tried to look for her and I tried to explain to her that I would go to great length for friends, even die for them if needed be. It didn't change a thing, she was to mad. She tried to intimidate me in never to reveal what I had learned about Hardragh and I told her that she wouldn't have to worry about it. That she would not hear from me again. I guess I was wrong in her wanting us to be friends.She just turned around and said fine walking away.
She probably found the note I had left in her bag before all of that, explaining in more details the why's of finding her. I don't think it will change anything. It was a short friendship.
Shows me about caring for people.. Dorlic was right the less people you know and get attached to the less problem you get into. Things were simpler when I just didn't trust anyone, didn't let anyone come close. It was lonelier .. but it was simpler. I gues I should get back to that.
That is a very sad thought but a true one.
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Tunar, Seplar 24, 1425
It's a funny the things what you can find, when you want to go visit some friends at the temple of mist in Leringrad.
Hardy holding Jaelle, gently stroking her arm and her scar. her kissing his hand, and its obvious they had a eventful night. If I was still the Brian of a year ago.. I would have so much fun with that information, I am sure Kali would be in a fit. But I have grown into something very different. Some part of me became good, while others much darker. If he thinks that knowing someone cares about you can be a hold onto that person? He has something coming his way. As for her? I made a mistake in trusting her, wont happen again. Even if she comes all forgiving, I will play, I will seem happy. But I will be watching.
Well other things I have learned is that It is not Sallaron that attacked her, It looks like him, same face, same hands but Jaelle knows that it is not him, and yet she keeps Storold pursuing the wrong guy. I can't let that happen to Sal, even if I don't really care for the sod. But Tegan has been good to me and so I will do what I can to make sure her love and father of her child is not being hunted down for nothing.
And there I thought that Marcus was heading into trouble with the xeenite.. . He was heading into trouble regardless who it was.
I'll keep the rest silent, the bay.. the sharks.. the flip of a coin. A lot of good information there if I ever need to pull some strings around. It will surely be fun to watch the fury comes when I decide it's time.
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Threas, Oclar 12, 1425
I am done with these people. Every where i turn someone has betrayed me in a way or an other. Tegan most of all, she tried to deny it, but I am sure she pushed Abi and Berak together.
"Did you use the shovel on him yet?"
That says a lot. And the way she was smiling and whispering to Berak at the Stormcrest after I appeared. I should have known. I gave hope to the gobo that is now her husband, told him that what ever form he had, she will still love him. I should have told him the opposite have him run for ever, it's what she deserves, but that would be unfair to his son, so I did what I did to make sure he wouldn't be hurt by that. I have also told someone about the fact that the real Sall is in a gobo form, he will try to keep him safe if he can find him. I have done my last good deed. I am done trying to be good to people. I will do what I need to do to survive no matter who it is from now on.
"Always keep people at a bow range, Njord. It will be safer for you, it will be easier for you."
Dorlic was right all along.
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Tunar, Decilar 10, 1425
With most of the dead weight gone, I find only solstice in the solitude of the darkness, where i still find I am closer to the shadows than anywhere else. Unfortunately I am not advancing anymore. I have hit a brick wall and I don't think i can go through it without help.
This is why I have started looking for the guild of thieves again. I have been gathering information where ever I could, but there is nothing much I have picked up. I know that if I am patient, it will come to me, i will find the information I need to find them. I just need to keep looking.
Although I must say I miss some of them, Hunty, Chiara, even Marcus, this is something I have to do by myself, well not counting the help of the guild once I find them.
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Satari, Decilar 28, 1425
As my search goes on for the guild of thieves, I have been trying to remember how I was feeling, what I was thinking when I was able to travel several feet in the shadow when I tried to hide from my target.
Understanding this will be the key I think.
In the mean time, I got a note from Sala requesting my help for Storans. I went, Berak was there, I almost turned back. I didn't and the trip went well, although I could see how Berak was keeping away from me and I don't think he was happy with it.
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Sunra, Mar 15, 1426
Seeds are planted,
They will grow in their own time, now anytime something happens one will doubt. It may not seems as much chaos for now, but love has a way of being insipid when it comes to doubting. You may think you will not, but in the end, you always will. Truce is called though, I will keep what ever information I have on them for me, in return, I am an ally, yeah right.. Not that a fool, I'll play along though, still offers some opportunities. Let's see how long it takes for that talk, with that red haired, to bring someone out after me, this will be funny.
On other hand, a week prior to this, met this magicer, a bit unsure of herself of her talents. We talked for a while in Hlint, we share some things her and I. I think I can help her with her confidence problem, I don't know why though, guess I'm still a sucker for the tender heart of a woman. I took her out of Hlint with the promise that if her fireball was to hurt me I would take her out for dinner. She was convinced I wouldn't be able to keep that bet. After three fireball she rushed at me to see if I was alright, screaming. She was stunned when she saw I was not even singed. Even if I won the bet I still have to take her out for dinner, I don't mind she seems a nice girl. Well see what brings, but at least now she knows she doesn't have to be to afraid of burning me to crisp if we go traveling together.
Clover is her name.
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Tunar, Mai 3, 1426
amn,
pretty much what I can say for now. Haven't seen clover yet but I have met with Jaelle for the first time since.. the mist Island, she didn't know i was there but still. She was angry of course, and tried to fireball me, her combustion had more beef to it than her fireballs. We talked, well see...
On one of our trip something strange happened when I used my scout bracers. When the darkness desipated the shadows were all about me. As the others moved away I staid there a bit still trying to udnerstand why they were acting this way. It is then I finally met an other shadowdancer else than Kinai and Jac'er. She asked me why I had not tried to listen to the shadows and I told her I never was able to understand them. We talked for a little bit and she said I needed to seek help to finish my trainings. Seeking help is what I have been doing and told her sow as she moved into the shadows laughing at me for saying that I was looking for the guild of thieves.
Not to sure what to make out about that laugh. But the way she interacted with the shadows, them dancing at her wiggling fingers. It was nice to see that there were others still like what I aspire to become.
All I can say is that, the past few weeks have been interesting and hopefully they will keep going that way.
//part of cdq
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Freas, Mai 20, 1426
well back to my lonesome self,
It was fun for a while, the time it lasted. Pointless.. a distraction, could have been something good, but it was to much for her, me falling to the Giants. She had said just a few days ago, that she would prefer to spend 12 cold springs with me than a eternity alone, I guess the springs moved fast for her.
Back to me alone, looking for what truly matters, my link to the shadow world. I met one of them, of those I long to become, already wrote about it, but it gives hope that it's not to far. I heard that you don't find a shadow or it's dancer, they find you. Maybe this is what I was looking for after all. A link, someone to teach, to help me better understand what I am missing to become one with the shadows.
I don't know her name.. she didn't tell me, but I know where she found me and that's where I am now. Maybe she'll find me again, or maybe its the Guild of thieves that will. That's what I was told also. You can't find them, they find you when you are ready.
I am still trying to remember what i was thinking or feeling when I traveled within the shadows, They covered me and I walked with them, so I know they at least, someone do wants me, I just need to find that mindset, that line of thoughts.. was it because I was empty and cold like them? I know I can get like that when I am on a mark, it's worth trying while I wait.
I made peace with Bear, it took a punch and a elbow in his face to do it, but its done, that was maybe the final step of it all. Now .. with her gone.. there is nothing left but me and shade. Like it should be. Enough of these little distraction I just want what's me, what I am destined for, what I have always wanted. To dance with the shadows.
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Tunar, Mai 24, 1426
Selfless.. that's what Kinai had said.
To forget who I am, to let go of everything that I held dear. To become selfless, void, only a shadow of the man. Trusting only myself as my only ally, alone but yet surrounded by the darkness as my only friend. To take everything from the inside and throw it out away, to forget everything of the outside and erase it from me. To keep the emotions away, locked, cold, alone, barely human, more from the darkness. I saw the light for a short time, it was Pain. I see the Darkness all around me engulfing me, I'm safe, alone but safe, cold but safe.
I take it all and lay it all before I close the door and disappear into the night. I am around, but no one sees me, I see them all, but they wont. I saw them both, at the magic tower perched over the sea on its high cliff. It didn't matter.
The one I was is gone, he died and was consumed.
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Wedlar, Junar 11, 1426
Coming back home but not feeling at home.
I have been so much away from here that nothing in here seems comfortable, I spent so much time in the deep dark places that being back is like being in the house of someone else.
I saw the notice of Muir that i was behind in payment and I left her the eggs I had, while cleaning my bag I stumbled on a crumbled piece of parchment, I thought I had thrown it out but it doesn't appear.
It's all the elven words I had learned while we were together in intimacy. Well it's a good thing I didn't throw them out, I still want to learn my ancestors language, doesn't really matter who taught them to me I guess, plus I'm sure they will turn out useful in the future.
The past few months we had spent with each other, she talked to me a lot in elven, at time it was really hard to get what she was saying, but with time it got easier and easier. Well no dwelling.
Where = Anirama
To = Ane
Welcome = Amacnyesa
Imagine = Esilvela
It = Ean
Would = ameycw
Have = irilela
Hurt = Iryman
Poison = Tyeelael
Sorry = Laemma
Darling = Wilmecelv
Don't = Wel'an
Need = Laaw
Talk = Anilen
About = Ilfeyan
Difficult = Weooenyycan
Am = Ils
Not = Lean
Do = We
Know = Nleam
Anything = Illaanirelv
It's = Ean'la
A = Il
Bargain = Filmvilel
One = Ela
If I keep listening to people talk I'll pick up more words by simple deduction now that I have a pretty solid vocabulary. I'm no Moraken but I'm sure over the average Joe.
Well back to searching what I was hinted to after leaving an other box of eggs.
-
Threas, Junar 26, 1426
*He gets up slowly trying not to make any noises in his room looking back at where he slept smiling contently, he takes his journal and sits on the cushions and starts to write.*
Time is of the essence,
The best course of action now, since I am unable to find the guild of thieves, is to find that shadowdancer and ask her to teach me what I am missing. I suspect that finding her will not be easy and it will expose me a lot more to do so, but it's a risk I am willing to take.
There for I will be sending missives to my contacts, telling them of who I am looking for with as much information that I could muster. A woman shadowdancer, her size suggested a elf, wearing black and green armor with some paler color on it.
It's not much to go on, but it's the best I can do for now. I will also be posting notes in the inns and taverns for her to see that I am looking for her. Hopefully she will respond.
Well time to get going. First stop, Prantz.
-
Sunra, Augra 8, 1426
Well it was a long trip through snow, ice, dirt, mud and sand, but the job is done. All the posters are up, in every town, outpost, camp and fort I could find and now it's up to her if she will be contacting me to teach me. I should have brought some gold cause now I have to take the long way around from North point to get back to Mistone, hehehe. I think I'll stop by and get some pears, apples and cherries on the way back.
Before, I wrote that I had seen them at the tower. I came back to that place to think, not really knowing why I did so, and she showed up. Before she did, I had seen a small silver necklace on the ground and that the grass was bent. I knew it was hers, having taken it off her once before. She came by Invisible but I could hear her. It took her a while but she finally came out of her illusion by my side. Straight away, she got on the offensive, lashing out at me, taunting me for a reaction. She didn't like that I had become cold, disconnected, almost not caring. But in the end, what's really important is that we are back. I will still be cold and untouched by other, one step away from my emotions, but I will let her see through my appearances. The Shadowdancers are cold, but they are not void of warmth and unfeeling. And so I will be the same, just harder for others to see.
We have spent a lot of time together since then, traveling to the forest of Folian... funny thing, Sallaron was there with that Valeria who had been derisive to me in the past. I couldn't help but to stand there listening to them, hidden. It was interesting and I let him know, in a way, that someone was there. I am sure this could be a very interesting situation with Tegan... if she knew. But I am leaving him a choice to do the right thing for his son, if he doesn't... it will be by his own fault.
In any case, I digress. She even taught me a method of relaxation that is close to revery. In there, in what she taught me, I can keep my emotions and the baggage I do not need locked in a box, and go back to them when I need them. It was amazing how it felt, I could imagine myself surrounded by the darkness as if I was down in a cave, even the coldness on my skin, I could feel.
She was worried that by going to the shadows I would come back and forget all about her about how I felt. I Had to show her what I can partly do, for her to understand that It's not me going but the shadows coming. It quelled her fears somewhat. And then we went back to my place, still taking it slow in some aspect.. we were careful no one would hear us. I will be her light house to guide her home when she needs time on her own and she will be the light to guide me home when I am in the darkness.
For the month or so we were traveling her and I she taught me a lot of elven too, pretty soon I will be able to speak without problem.
Morning = Semlelv
Well = Amacc
Sleep = Lacaaty
Slept = Lacaatyan
And = Illw
Sure = Layma
Might = Seviran
Have = Irileta
No = Le
Very = Elama
Much = Synyir
Like = Cena
The = Anira
Others = Eaniramla
Still = Laanecc
Getting = Vaananelv
Used = Ylaaw
Them = Aniras
They = Aniraa
Seem = Laaas
Bit = Fean
Cruel = Nymyac
Cannot = Nyillean
Their = Anirean
Must = Sylaan
Upon = ytyel
But = Fyan
Significance = Laevleoenyillnya
Did = Wew
Grasp = Vmillaty
Merely = Samaca
Perhaps = Tyamiriltyala
Prefer =Tymaoam
Got = Vean
Rid = Mew
Mine = Sela
For = Oem
Was = Amilla
Suppose = Laytytyelaa
Relationship = Macilaneellairty
Patient = Tyilanealan
Choice = Nyireenya
Mask = Silmnla
Some = Leasa
Man = Sill
Depends = Watyalwla
Glad = Vcilw
Your = Aeyn
Reason = Maillael
Who = Amire
On = El
Me = Sa
Past = Tyillaan
Always = Ilcamilala
This = Anirela
Precise = Tymnanelaa
Nature = Lilanyma
Empty = Astyana
Since = Laelnya
Can = Nyill
Again = Ilvilel
Satisfying = Lailanelaoaelv
Self = Laaco
Ask = Illan
Light = Cevira
Every = Aelama
Jasmine = Qwillasela
Alright = Ilcmeviran
Amazing = Ilsiljelv
That = Anirilan
Day = Wila
Perfect = Failyaneoyc
Shall = Lairilicc
Most = Selaan
Guide = Vyewala
Try = Anma
Backrub = Filnynmyf
Tell = Anacc
Be = Fa
Home = Iresa
Were = Amama
concur = Nyelnyym
Massage = Sillalailva
She also taught me that when you put something in plural you had to add La to the end of it like friend Omealw would become Friends Omealwla.
and that for some words the past tense will finish with an like slept is Lacaatyan but for most of the words the past tense would have a aw at the end like kissed Nilalaaw
feww my fingers hurt with writing this much.
Well back to more of this meditation before I leave in the morning from this snowy place.
-
Satari, Seplar 14, 1426
*only a few words are written on this page, each letters seems pressed and lingering*
Amecc ean aelam alw?
-
Sunra, Oclar 15, 1426
Well, I have finally met with the guild of thieves..
All business, which I like, but then came the hard part. If I join them, I basically belongs to them, I refuse a job, I die. Sounded a lot like the Syndicate. Never the less i did the pledging and then she stabbed me with a blade in the heart that is still there, but the hilt was in her hand after that. She said I had three days to come back on my decision, after that I am in for life.
At that point there was still no real problem.. until she gave me my first task. I have to find someone and give him pain, hurt him and ultimately kill him.. that someone is Bear. If I wanted to. I know I could kill him easily, he would never hear me or see me come. But the fact is.. that would make me like my real father, a cold blooded murderer.. a monster..
It's not like Bear is my best friend or even a friend.. I don't know where to place him.. but one thing is for sure I am not like my father. There has to be an other way to achieve my dream without doing that, without becoming him.. I have to find it. I thought I could kill him, but.. I can't not like this, not in cold blood.
My only other solution is to find that shadowdancer.. still no news from the posters I have put up.
Quilacca, E selala aey, fa lailoa sa ceela
*puts the quill down and blows on the pages. he closes the journal and stairs into the fireplace.*
-
*Takes his quill back up and write*
The blade.. in my chest.. it's gone.
-
Sunra, Decilar 22, 1426
Well I found her.. rather she found me,
Was walking near castle mask and I saw the shadows converging on me almost covering me but they stopped and staid there invitingly, so I stepped in them and after the initial suffocation i was led to somewhere in castle mask. There she was, the shadowdancer I was looking for, Lalaith's her name. We both talked of our past, and then she put me in a mise en situation. When I answered her she told me I had told her the right answer, the she talked more about her past. Like me she had a choice to make about her father. She forgave him.. I don't know if I can do that. But I am not looking for him anymore so I guess it's the same. She has agreed to teach me and will enter in contact with me soon.
*a dot of ink is seen as if the quill lingered in this spot* I got splinters all over my body. She says she want it to remain unknowned, but yet doesn't restrain to be close to him publicly ... *the ink trails off a bit* True we had a major event though.. Not to sure what to think about that.. well see. At least she is more sure and assertive of herself.
-
Sunra, Jenra 8, 1427
My training with Lalaith are going along at the pace of a cheetah, which is good because who would have guessed... Now that things seems to go my way, some numbwitt has to try and spoil it up. Well to bad for him, he chose the wrong mark. They wanted to turn me into a prey, I will make them the prey.
If it is who I think it is? The deal will be off and i will make their life a living hell.
-
Satari, Febra 7, 1427
well My training with Lalaith continues, she shows me how to fight within the comfort of the shadows, to move in and move out, to evade using the shadows to conceal me. I think I'm getting the hang of all of this, and the shadows seems to be watching me, watching my progress.
I went and showed her a few things for her to help me with my little problem, with her help and the rest.. we should get to the bottom of this quickly.
I am more now even more determined in getting those who may be trying to get to me... or it maybe my love that is being targeted, she showed me a letter sh has received. Coming for me its one things, going after her.. their asking for it.
In any case I expanded the search and included the aid of an unlikely ally. She has many connection that maybe able to shade some light on this.
-
*his handwriting is of one made in haste and anger*
Wedlar, Apreal 25, 1427
So much has happened as of late. TO much...
For every step forward there had to be two backward. I will be patient, I will be there. But the lies... I sometime tings i am being judged an idiot. I have become somewhat good at reading them now, sometimes I wish I had not.
In better news though, Dorlic you would be proud of me. I had this dream.. intriguing, enticing.. well I better write it down before I totally forget about it.
When I closed my eyes to sleep that night I first dreamt of the skies. Low on the horizon a sinking sun sets behind the hill tops, the shadows beginning to lengthen around me.
Soon when the great volatile orb disappeared beyond the hill tops, slight darkness cames to take the sky just before 1000 tiny stars speckled the night and I found myself walking in the lover's moonlight beneath the brightly shining Ausir.
The shadows stirred restlessly around me, I could feel their call. I listened and reached for them, and then they settled as if tauntingly ignoring my touch.
With a heavy head and a heavy heart I pressed on in my walk, soon everything faded to blackness around me, until entirely surrounded in the darkness. This dream of shadow.
Suddenly standing at a crossroads I saw a visage in a fiery light. My elven love. Down the other path darkness awaits and the shadows call to you tauntingly, offering great promise.
But in this dream, I did not choose.
Instead I awakened in cold sweat with slightly heavier heart and the knowledge that the rift between the desires of ones heart will haunt me slightly as one can never quite truly put their entire self into two entities. Though I put most of it into both and for now that seems to be enough.
When I gained the consciousness of thought after I awaken, I started to hear the shadows whisper, their call, though faint, shows promise.
Quietly the darkness lingers around my form, everything that Lalaith taught me became a bit more clear and I felt more whole within this shadowed darkness than ever before. Without her guidance and connection to the shadows it may have been near impossible to forge my own.
But, now... The shadows speak, they teach, and through my patience I became that which I sought for so many years.
As if with some former sight and knowledge that this moment was coming, a note was blindly slipped into my pack. My hand came across it while looking for some food and I read it
*pinned on the page the letter is opened*
Take not for granted the gifts the shadows grant, but, embrace the ability within yourself and you will continue to improve as a Shadowdancer.
~Lalaith
I am one with them and they are one with me. It was a great news I wanted to share with her, but something had happened with the other and it marked her and she seemed sad and distant. And now today...
*the letters seems more pressed as the ink widens with each one*
She came by my place almost crying, I asked her what was happening, if there was something wrong and she lied to me saying there was nothing wrong, yeah right. And when I asked if she wanted to come in my room she lied again saying that she only came for the portal, but I knew... I KNEW! Not even a week after I told her I preferred the truth, no matter how it could hurt, than Lies, and she lies to me twice in less than a minute. I went in my room emptied what I had just picked up for her. I almost thought of burning them, but I didn't. Then when shew wasn't there apparently, either she took the portal just to make me look as a fool or she left. I picked enough food and clothing for a few days. And so here I am, in this place I know not about, except that I was once told there were sharks here, vicious ones. I don't see any.
*Puts the quill away and dries the page before putting his own journal away then start looking for the sharks again.
-
Sunra, Junar 8, 1427
I spent a week there looking for the sharks and came back. She as still no where to be found until we met at the card emporium. It was a bit rough at first, I was still mad at her for lying to me, but then she showed me a letter, and I understood a lot of what had happened. I couldn't be mad at her anymore for that, as she was obviously very affected and she was trying to protect herself.
We talked at the emporium for a long time, and one thing she said took me straight to heart.
"I wished I had met you before him, or that you were the one I met that night in Vehl instead of him."
She loved him very much, But she sees things in me that makes her wished that. And I told her what I thought was important was:
"It's not when or where or after how many, It's that we did. who you met before, Is not important to me, what is important to me is that you are here,and that we can share this path of our life together. When you accepted me in your life, it's not all of them you did, but me, the same is true for you."
She said that it was easier for me to forget them, forget the woman of my past. But truly I only had more practice, but some had been harder than others. The trick was thatknowing that many bright and beautiful things will happen to you in the future, is what makes it easier to bare. She said I sounded like Arkolio.. she knows Ark.. it shook me up somewhat in a way I would never had Imagine.. Arkolio tales had reached us even in point dart, a legend of sort, one I had aimed for a long time to best. She saw it and told me he was only a man. For some reasons I think there is more behind that, even more when she told me he bought her a drink at an in. There is so many things she keeps to herself, it is hard sometimes, part of me is crying out to me to find out, but I have to be strong.
She had to meet her client again, I can't say it's very wise for her to put herself into such a state each time she sees him, but she says she can handle it and she needs the business he brings her. She even offered me a gift the other day, a third circle enchantment for my swords. We had talked about it previously and I was a little uneasy to receive such a gift. She didn't take it that well at first, I guess she thought I was refusing her gift. But I tried to explain to her as best I could she seems to have understood. None the less this is something precious. I will order a set of Adamantium short sword where I will set it on one of them, the other will have a fire of the third circle.
That day we went to travel a bit on Dregar, found a party, strange night, Randi was there so was Ellis, Malkor, who is just a blast to travel with. Things where tense though, Randi was refusing to heal me at first. Ellis was to much quiet and uncomfortable each time she looked at her, and there was a lot of whispering in between the three of them. Finally at one point Ellis just left, followed by her supposed lover. Back in the fog forest cave I fell there, a hard blow that I didn't see come at all. When I got back the group had went away So I prayed at my site and as they got back I noticed her coming out of Invisibility. I think she had stayed by where I had fallen, she looked shaken and relieved when she saw me whole. I don't know what happened in between the moment I fell and the relics snatched me to them. When we went out of the cave, Randi passed a comment while I was resting that made her uneasy enough that she went away unseen. I didn't hear what it was but I followed her tracks and found her in Vale. We talked there for a little while about what just had happened. And in the end when we were going back to our lake, she stopped me and asked me if there was some truth in what Randi told her. I told her that Randi had no idea of what she had went through, of how she had grown into a more assertive woman, full with potential, and intelligent. That Randi couldn't possibly know and was still thinking out of her knowledge of the past. I think she understood as it seemed to have lifted her spirit. When made our way to our lake, where we have been here for the past couple of days now. Talking, holding each others. Sharing ourselves. I'm taking the moment to write this as she is resting leaned against me, looking peaceful. It's when we hove these moments together, that makes all the rest; the heartaches, the headaches, the tribulations and fights, worth it. Maybe in time Randi will understand that she had me figured out wrong, maybe not. It's not important to me, but it may be to her, well see what happens.
*He looks at her resting against his chest and whispers softly to her*
"You broke through my defenses, you broke through my facade. You swayed my heart and keep it prisoner of you. But despite all of what has happened, I do not wish to break free. E ceela aey."
*Lets the ink dry and closes his journal and puts it back into his pack making sure he doesn't wake her.*
-
Sunra, Jular 8, 1427
It's been sometime now since I have seen Jaelle. She was resting on me when I received words of an impending order of mine, and I had to go and fetch what I needed for it to be done. I left her a note saying I would see her soon, but a bit more than a month has passed now. In that time I have manage to get part of the order I wanted, hopefully I will get the other part soon, which also includes a gift for her.
During that time though, I met with some people to help a newly made widow. Her husband and son was killed by a beast. If it wasn't for the son, I would not have gotten involved. She was really distraught, which didn't help me to stay away.
In any case, we made our way to the farmer who could lead us where it had happened, and then Abigail started to act foolishly again, untaught and uncaring of herself and the others. Without letting us time to properly form a plan she started to fire and cast on a huge group of trolls. They weren't that strong but we didn't have the time to assess that and it could have been disastrous.
After we defeated them, we found a troll that talked to us about his boss a dragon, and that he was ordering them not to eat the animals of the place, animals that were no where to be found at that time. But the troll was scared and wanted us to tell the dragon that they had not.
We made our way to the cave but there was this humongous bear that was at least 20 feet wide in size. One of the troup decided to try and talk with him, but Arynne saw that the bear was not the same way as she had seen him previously, it was to late though as the druid, a drow, was slashed into pieces by the enormous claws of the bear.
*sighs as his quill stays on the page making a spot*
Again Abi reacted without even thinking for a moment, she started to attack the bear. That was a hard fight, many were badly injured myself included on of the bear hit gave me an open fracture of the forearm. But then she started to force herself to cut the heart out of the dead beast, even though many people were telling her not to so they could study why it was changed. But she kept being stubborn like a 5 years old. Alleina had her sword drawn on her, Arynne was trying to push her away and Sasha was trying to restrain her, but still she kept going. I had to get involved and piratically knock her cold, reminding her about Saida and intimidating her into listening. But even then she was still acting up and now was mad at me for telling her some truth about her. I didn't care as long as she learns something.
She needs to learn to listen to those who has a lot more experience than her, else she will get herself killed and all those she is with to. Which is what almost happened then. But she doesn't care. She says she does, but how she acts shows exactly the opposite. I had to tell her that if she didn't care about herself to think of Bear and how he would feel when she would permanently be taken away.
Later on we finally went into the cave where we found Jaigan dead. I checked the room that he was in and i couldn't see a thing but I could hear clearly a long and steady heavy breathing. Something big was in there. We tried to parlé with it but it didn't want to listen and as me and Arynne were leaving, as he ordered us, he attacked and killed us. The rest is what I was told. Abigail rushed in a couple of time, getting herself killed three times, the last time putting a few of them in danger. They had to slay the dragon, that turned out to be an illusion. What happened to the real dragon is only speculation at this time.
Abi is to reckless for her own good and for those around her. I met with Bear and told him what has happened. He will try to get her thought pattern. But truly and as I told him, I don't think there is any, she reacts without thinking through. She might listen to him, if not I pity him, because he will find himself with a woman he loves gone for ever snatched from him at a young age. For me, I am just about to wash my hand of her well being if she keeps it up.
A few days later I met with Chiara in Leringuard. I was about to leave for a run in Krashin alone when I met her at the docks. She joined me and we had a bit of fun at the expense of the Kobolds. At some time we went to rest a bit and heat ourselves up and we talked about how things were going. The fact that the last time she saw me I was sad. We started to talk abit about it and she had a song about it. A song, one not sung but told, in front of a fire. She sad it looked a little bit like what I was living.
A song, told as a story of a sea elf who loved to men, sea elves too, One of them a fierce warrior, fearless with trident in hand, the other a gentle Shindalerian cleric, caring and affectionate. The woman feels torn, like her heart is a strand of kelp, pulled in two directions with the waves. She fears it will snap and break, so she flees the community and the cleric and warrior are distraught. They are set adrift with their grief, and they pursue her separately. Although the warrior is the better scout, the cleric finds her first, and as is the case in many such ballads, he finds her just in time .... For she is cornered among some rocky outcrops by a shark! But the cleric, though he has little skill with a trident, bravely rushes in he heals her wounds and sends her away, and turns to face the shark. She watches from a forest of seaweed nearby, biting her lip nearly hard enough to draw blood. The cleric tries to fend off the shark, but he is no match for it, and he is surely doomed. But just then ... The warrior! Yes, the warrior comes, he distracts the shark, and the cleric has the chance to flee with the woman.
There are several versions to the ending, depending on where you learn the song
the first, the one I guess all loves best, the warrior slays the shark and takes the teeth and makes a necklace and gives it to the woman and a cleric as a wedding gift, for he sees by the cleric's desire to sacrifice himself for the woman that their love is strong.
the second and one that made me very uncomfortable that I didn't let her sing the tune as she said she would do after telling me the song as a story.
The warrior falls in battle and the woman mourns for him forever, though she finds some solace in the cleric's love for her
...
-
Tunar, Jular 17, 1427
I have seen here a few times since the last time I wrote in my journal. She sometimes stays for the night, sometimes not, but in the morning, when she does, she is always gone. Up until now, nothing seems to make her feel better, not even my little silliness at times, and she is still distant. Curse you Hardragh, you and all of yours. I don't know what to do to help her, but to leave her time to be, and it pains me to see her this way.
-
Satari, Oclar 28, 1427
What is harder. fighting pirates and Dragon, or the heart of a woman??? I found her sitting alone under the rain on the little island near Leringuard. I walked over to her and sat. What I found out was mind tearing, it sliced through my heart in ways I could never had imagined, I couldn't hear the voice I love. Her pain, he exasperation as to not be able to communicate with me, all of it were taking it's toll on her and It pained me deeply,. It shredded through my heart as a dragon claw Someone would pay for this, But I promised... We shared at this moment our pain as never I had done before. But.. through the night of her writing and me talking, it came to a moment where I told her I didn't understand her reaction to the flower, and so I sought guidance to someone I thought I could trust, and as usual not lied to Jaelle about it. But Jaelle .. I never saw her this way at all, her face.. it went cold so cold and she went away. I tried to explain and to apologize to her but she wouldn't listen and she is gone. Gone for a month, gone for a year gone for ever? I don't know. I hope not. She's like the air someone breath, once you get to that point, she gets into you and you suffocate if she is not there.
For now.. for now.. I go on, I keep pushing on, trying to be strong. Hoping that she will come back when she is ready.
-
Wedlar, Decilar 25, 1427,
Almost two months since the last time I have seen Jaelle, I haven't had the strength to do much, did some killing but since... I feel I'm losing it. I had to let go, trying to hold her back at that moment would have been worse. But.. I feel like she's gone for good. I don't know if she is... I truly hope not.. but the more I go on, the darker I get. I think I took to heart what she said, that she would be the light to guide me back from the shadows. I haven't seen anyone for a while now. The last I saw was Chiara, bear and two others I didn't even care of their name. I could see the worries in both Bear and Chiara. I know she talked to Bear of why I was like this, she knows. It kinda stung but I know she tried to do something to help me. I don't know if I want to be helped, I guess all I want is to be back with her. I would welcome her combustions anytime but to miss her this much...
*stops writing and just leaves the journal open on his bed leaving the room.*
-
Threas, Jenra 5, 1428
*Comes back and takes his journal from the bed.*
Well that long visit to the cave appeased me somewhat. Gave me time to thinks about some things, Like Chiara. She's a good friend, a confident, but what will Happen if Jaelle comes back. Jaelle seemed to move to a path that would make Chiara her enemy. If she does come back, I will have to take my distance from Chiara, she just a friend nothing there but that. Keep my emotions hid within the darkness of the shadows... That's what I have to do.
In the mean time, I will fill up my crates for her, one last time . If she comes and picked them up and we talk and mend things I will keep filling them up. If she comes and pick them up but nothing happens. It will be that last time. If she doesn't pick them up, I will consider selling them after some time.
*Takes his journal and puts it back into his pack.*
-
Satari, Febra 7, 1428
I can't sit idle anymore, my heart is screaming for her and screaming for me to go and find her. I know this may not be the best thin to do, but I must. So I am looking, where we used to go most often, were we went only a few times. I have not seen her yet but I will keep looking.
-
Mulnari, Febra 23, 1428
I am back home only for a short while, to resupply get some new clothes. I have checked and seen that the crate in my room had not been touched, not even opened *resets his lookout*. As of yet, the places I have looked for, she had not been there, I will make more passes and will camp at a few of the places she gathers.
The question I have to ask myself is, if I find her, what do I do, what do I say? Do I even show myself to her or do I just make sure she is alright? By trying to find her I am risking to lose her more, am I willing to go that far and truly risk her never coming back?
-
Sunra, Febra 23, 1428
I went out for an hour or so to go buy some supplies and when I came back, the room was filled with candles, the bath was producing hot steam, the fire was lit and there she was sitting in front of it, lit by the candles and the fire place reading a book. She looked up when she heard my door open and I was stunned to see her there. I came closer to her and sat and for a while there was this strange silence, where we would only glance at each other.
I spoke first, apologizing for what had happened and asking her if she could forgive me. There was no answer at first. But as the eve kept going we started to talk more. She isn't sure what love is anymore, I'm sure with time she will be able to recognize it, with time. Patience, not pushing; never have I tried to change her or fix her and so I will not again. I merely showed her paths when she asked for them. And so I will again, and this is something she wanted to know and I told her. I always accepted her for who she was, and came to love her for who she was, this has not change.
We shared a long moment together, started tenderly but soon both our passion and our miss for each other made it self known. Throughout this moment I could feel her passion, her trembling, he vulnerability. I went slow letting her choose to pull back, but she did not. We staid in each others arms for some time afterwards until she let o and started to make her self more presentable. I was struck by her presence and beauty even in such a small gesture as to rearrange herself. She has me under her spell that is for sure.
We sat again by the fire for a little while, I tried to make her laugh a bit with some rhymes, she smiled but it was the same kind of laugh as when I gave her the flower so I knew not to push. At that point she wanted to go, said she had somethings to do. There is more but I wont push for it.
Patience, time and just being there for her. The rest hopefully the heart will work it out and we will be able to share what we had before this few months apart.
She is back, on her own terms.
-
*he looks at his blank page for a long moment before writing on it*
Freas, Apreal 20, 1428
Friend no more,
Not for him sayin the stupidest things as if she belonged to me, I never even hinted that once, and he should have noticed it when i talked about pushing the daggers deeper and deeper. But for his game, He hasn't seen Silver in weeks, and now what? He start playing the compasionate card to the point of touching her on face.
"I care as a friend"
Right. A friend that doesn't know that he destroyed her once and that his action now is pushing things back up? I was ready to slice him up right there and then for that, for hurting her. But she ended up running away. He staid there not moving, I followed. Her track in the sand was easy to follow but I couldn't see her, until she attacked the Giants all on her own, my heart stopped. I rushed in, tried to heal her but, I was to late. I tried to avenge her, but I was to weak.. I was to weak! They killed me, like they ripped a grass blade out of the ground.
They found us and brought us back to life and after going back to Audira, the only thing she said was I don't want to do this now, I don't want to do this at all. Again running, pushing away. Fine, I can accept that. And so I left her and him there, Bear followed me. Should a man have a limit to what he can endure?, is what I asked him, and like me he has no answer. I don't think I do, it scares me.
The day started so well, a flower and a gentle note that she had left me in my chest. The note had more meaning that she wanted to let know. But now I'm not so sure anymore...
*looks at his page long enough that the ink dried on it's own and he closes the book tucking it back in his pack*
-
*His hand writing is ruff almost tearing the page*
Wedlar, Augra 4, 1428
In the inn of Audira, under the same roof I was, not even ten minutes after I had went to check on her from the encounter we had with the strange woman, with Arkolio. She let him in her room, I had a hunch, something was wrong, so I staid in the shadows waiting, there was no doubt, there is no doubt.
I should not even forgive her but I knew it would happen one day or the other. Training, that's what I need, simple training out there somewhere.
*Picks up a few things and leaves a note over her things in his room before leaving*
E nleam.
-
Wedlar, Seplar 25, 1428
Well, we talked things were good, and the last week we spent together was very much welcomed. She seemed to back a bit to herself before Hardragh, open caring, laughing as she was before. She seemed finally at almost ease again, not keeping herself distant and closed up. We had a great week together of traveling, until some kid came rushing to us while we were joining a group that had banded together, unfortunately including Ark. I wanted to slice his manhood right there on the spot, and next time I think I will, no matter if Jaelle is there or not. An throughout the time that we were traveling and even when that kid showed up, she was now back to after Hardragh. Distant, keeping her distance from me and every one. In our beginnings, when she was like that, she would usually let a sign know that it was alright. Wither it was a hidden smile, a gentle glance; a touch while she was invisible, but not anymore.
Vampires, here, Vehl; Hempstead, Llaast, bloody every where. But we managed to save the sister of the kid, not without some cost, Jaelle, Argali, Arkolio. I truly wished Sall would have left him for dead, might have made things easier in the future. We got her back to Orc watch where we had left the boy in the care of someone, Ark stayed behind making camp near where the Vampires where. Me and Jaelle parted ways in Orc watch because she asked me to give her some time alone, so I did. I came back to mistone and working on paying back Hanna.
I have to say that leaving Jaelle over there, left me a bit queezy, knowing that he is in the area.
I'm still hoping she will wake up to what she has now in me. But hopes are fading. I'm starting to doubt that she even cares or even wants to try to make things work. I even find myself doubting her tender words since I found out she slept with him in Audira. And to say she told me it was more than one day.. she spent 4 days with him. When, since Hardragh, she had almost never spent more than a night with me.
I guess only time will tell.
P.s., I was forgeting to write about my meeting with Sasha at the crossroads. Nice lass, pleasant company and all, but I pity her for loving Arkolio. I didn't tell her what has happened, I don't think she needs to go through what I have been. But I couldn't help it when Arkolio found us at Dalanthar. When I saw him I turned to her
"Well hun, thanks for the night out, it was a real pleasure we"ll have to do it again soon."
I could hear Arkolio coughing. She looked at me and smile a bit mischievously, She was even leaning in to me getting close to my cheek but i moved away at the very last moment.
-
Sunra, Jenra 8, 1429
She came to me at night, silently in the darkness that was my room only lit by the moons that filtered through the window curtains. I could hear her but she kept to the darkness until she took a desert bloom from her robe, that glowed with a soft blue haze. My eyes marveled in front of such beauty, my heart leaped as I saw her gentle elven figure walk toward me and my bed. Her smile enticing and her eyes sparkled with the moving light emanating from the rose, she gestured to me softly to remain where I was, stopping a moment looking around the room. Then with a graceful movement of her hand the candles came to life all around my room. They lit softly the room in balance with the blue haze from the rose petals.
As I looked at her moving so slowly toward me I could only stare at her, so much had I missed her in the past few weeks, only seeing her from time to time. But tonight felt different. The air seemed lighter, maybe it was just me, but everything about her seemed to move slower, she took her time only smiling at me when I spoke to her. And when, finally, she reached me after what seemed an eternity, she gently caressed my cheek with the blossom, lowering herself to a kiss softly over my lips. Her scent, intoxicating, of some exotic flowers, I was mesmerized by her gentleness, her care, her tenderness. As she lingered in the kiss she slowly reached and left her hair fall down over her shoulder and us, silky soft as it caressed the side of my cheek still in her kiss. It seemed longer than the last time I saw her, but all I could think all the questions of my mind were swept away as she guided my hands to hold her. She was slow, deliberate, attentive.
I opened my mouth to whisper my joy to see her, but each time she stopped me by a kiss. She was methodical in her approach keeping control at all time. After a month of not seeing her, it felt as she was slowly torturing my senses, playing slowly a game of patience. Leaving me to do only as what she allowed me to, slowing me or stopping altogether teasingly, always with a smile lingering on her lips.
Tender was the night that we shared, as if time had no essence to us, Intimate as we had rarely been, still a little distance she kept until the end, just before falling into my arms. There was no more vail for that short moment. She let me see deep in her, into her heart. All the barriers she had erected to protect herself from the pain she had suffered, she left open for me to feel and see, to see past her fears, to see her love for me. An inexplicable love, sometime incomprehensible, but still love that beats into the confide of her heart, for me.
So much had I missed those moments of openness, of her only being herself unguarded. She curled up in my arms, nesting her head on my shoulder, nuzzling my neck. Her warm breath, still hasten by our moment, caressed my skin softly. Gentle kisses answered my whispers as I held her to me in my arms in this embrace, in this time of contentment, we laid there. Slowly I could feel the pull of the curse of my human blood. Slowly inexorably, I gently fell toward slumber. I tried to hold on, to push it away, to keep awake with her in my arms, to feel her sleep in mine as she had done at the lake of dream and the Miranet so long ago. But as the last candles grew dim, she slowly and gently stroke my hair, kissing my shoulder as she stayed cuddled against me. And just as my last strand of consciousness parted from me, she whispered to me:
"E ceela aey"
Could it be that my slumber had made me dream those tender words? But as I woke in the morning, as so many other nights we had passed together she was gone. Did she go back to Spellguard, was she even here at all? Such were my questions as I awaken, until my my eyes set on her pillow, still crescened by the impression of her presence, the desert blossom with a lingering soft glow. If for a moment, my mind had doubted her very presence this night, her scent and rose left no doubt.
-
Sunra, Jenra 8, 1429
She came to me at night, silently in the darkness that was my room only lit by the moons that filtered through the window curtains. I could hear her but she kept to the darkness until she took a desert bloom from her robe, that glowed with a soft blue haze. My eyes marveled in front of such beauty, my heart leaped as I saw her gentle elven figure walk toward me and my bed. Her smile enticing and her eyes sparkled with the moving light emanating from the rose, she gestured to me softly to remain where I was, stopping a moment looking around the room. Then with a graceful movement of her hand the candles came to life all around my room. They lit softly the room in balance with the blue haze from the rose petals.
As I looked at her moving so slowly toward me I could only stare at her, so much had I missed her in the past few weeks, only seeing her from time to time. But tonight felt different. The air seemed lighter, maybe it was just me, but everything about her seemed to move slower, she took her time only smiling at me when I spoke to her. And when, finally, she reached me after what seemed an eternity, she gently caressed my cheek with the blossom, lowering herself to a kiss softly over my lips. Her scent, intoxicating, of some exotic flowers, I was mesmerized by her gentleness, her care, her tenderness. As she lingered in the kiss she slowly reached and left her hair fall down over her shoulder and us, silky soft as it caressed the side of my cheek still in her kiss. It seemed longer than the last time I saw her, but all I could think all the questions of my mind were swept away as she guided my hands to hold her. She was slow, deliberate, attentive.
I opened my mouth to whisper my joy to see her, but each time she stopped me by a kiss. She was methodical in her approach keeping control at all time. After a month of not seeing her, it felt as she was slowly torturing my senses, playing slowly a game of patience. Leaving me to do only as what she allowed me to, slowing me or stopping altogether teasingly, always with a smile lingering on her lips.
Tender was the night that we shared, as if time had no essence to us, Intimate as we had rarely been, still a little distance she kept until the end, just before falling into my arms. There was no more vail for that short moment. She let me see deep in her, into her heart. All the barriers she had erected to protect herself from the pain she had suffered, she left open for me to feel and see, to see past her fears, to see her love for me. An inexplicable love, sometime incomprehensible, but still love that beats into the confide of her heart, for me.
So much had I missed those moments of openness, of her only being herself unguarded. She curled up in my arms, nesting her head on my shoulder, nuzzling my neck. Her warm breath, still hasten by our moment, caressed my skin softly. Gentle kisses answered my whispers as I held her to me in my arms in this embrace, in this time of contentment, we laid there. Slowly I could feel the pull of the curse of my human blood. Slowly inexorably, I gently fell toward slumber. I tried to hold on, to push it away, to keep awake with her in my arms, to feel her sleep in mine as she had done at the lake of dream and the Miranet so long ago. But as the last candles grew dim, she slowly and gently stroke my hair, kissing my shoulder as she stayed cuddled against me. And just as my last strand of consciousness parted from me, she whispered to me:
"E ceela aey"
Could it be that my slumber had made me dream those tender words? But as I woke in the morning, as so many other nights we had passed together she was gone. Did she go back to Spellguard, was she even here at all? Such were my questions as I awaken, until my my eyes set on her pillow, still crescened by the impression of her presence, the desert blossom with a lingering soft glow. If for a moment, my mind had doubted her very presence this night, her scent and rose left no doubt.
-
Wedlar, Junar 25, 1429
If there is ever a moment in your life where all your doubts falls, where all you apprehensions and fears lays down to your feet, and where all that remains is you, what you live for and love; to be shared with that special someone that is part of your life, of your very essence, and to open up to that person completely. I have seen it and felt it.
That single moment has the power to put aside all of these things that are held up in vain, all of these things that you are so much afraid, scared out of your mind by your own demons. When you feel that moment, bound in the most intimate moment with that someone. The world disappears all around you, the worries and tribulations washed away by the waves of love. You are left open completely, utterly, for your partner to read into you, into your soul. This is what I have lived with Jaelle, what I have felt in my deepest and darkest corner of my soul and what I have seen in her.
Our moment was long, loved and deep, focused on each other, lovingly tenderly. Vulnerable in every way possible, where her fears were revealed to me, but most importantly, why they were living. I could see it in her eyes, in the shortness of her breath, the love that she feared and tried so much to keep away by building walls over walls. Her vulnerability to my whispers of love, to my gentle caresses; to my marks of affections, pushed her to erect those walls in between us by fear of what love brings her. The loss of control over her emotions, the intimacy that it brings to her. For so long have she been alone, and for those few moments in her life where she had the joy of love, all that remained after those were pain, hurt, grief, and loss. She loved them both, they left her for others, and now that she has fallen for me despite her attempts to keep herself at bay, she fears the pain I could bring her, she fears the moment I would grow tired of her and leave her. The moment I would disappear into the night, my life cut away from hers.
I also understood in that moment where our eyes met, her in my arms, in that moment where our souls were revealed to each other, that this vulnerability, this love, this fear, was only for me. Not shared with her other conquests, which I now understand why she left her self-fall in that way. With them, she is in control of her self, of her emotions, no fear, and no vulnerability. She does not love them the way she loves me, if she loves them at all, and so she is not afraid by them. It was a way for her, even if she knew it hurts me, to try to keep herself from loving me. When, moments were too great for her, that her fears were consuming her, she left her self go to others to bring control back over her life. Trying to push me away, trying to push her growing love for me and mine for her, away.
She doesn't understand how despite all of her efforts not to love me the way she does, that she does. She does not understand how my simple touch can bring her breath short, how her heart can fasten under my embraces.
"It should not be possible, what you do to me..."
She doesn't understand how after all that she has done to push me away, she still fell for me and most likely why I am there with her, through the pain she has caused. An though, through the hardship that our lives together have been, the sweetest of our moments, our walks and talks; the gentleness and grace of her smiles, the lightness of her laughs, makes all these hardships worth wile. But still, those fears are the ones that pushes her to flee when my heart speak of its own
"Eir sa ceela, eo emwla nyeycw anacc aelal anira laceviranalaan eo ire synyir sa irailman failanla oem aey, ire synyir aey enynyytya sa anireyviranla illw laeyc. Eo emwla nyeycw maelailc ire synyir aey saill ane sa illw ire E eycw veela aelaanirelv illw ilcc ane tymeananyan aey. Aey ilma sa hyaal, ceela, aey irecw sa irailman illw laeyc. E ceela aye, sa ceela"
Maybe one day she will let the fears flow with the current of our love, and simply let herself stream the flow that is shared between our hearts. Giving her a chance to live happily, truthfully, wholly, this love that is unequivocally shared between us.
However, until then, I know there are still things that she keeps hidden, unsaid, buried deep inside of her guards. I know there are still people she will run to when she cannot bear the intimacy and love that is, even if it slowly, insipidly, kills me from the inside. All I can do now is hope, for hope there is, and love. Be there for her and let her come to me, come to deal with her own fears. I cannot promise that I will always be able to survive her unfaithfulness. I cannot promise that I will not be struck down by the mother of souls and stolen away from her heart. I can promise that by my own actions, I will try with all my might, not to hurt her. I only hope that she comes to realize that what there is between us has not to be feared, in time before my days are over. So that we can share, parts of our lives together freed from all the tribulations, all the pain, the conquests, and simply live our love to the fullest and shine as bright as the sun in the darkness of the nights.
It is my wish, my dream, what keeps me close to her.
-
Freas, Jular 6, 1429
*Njord comes in his room unstraps his muddied armor and lets it drop on the floor, goes and takes his journal he then sits in in his out most bare essentials in front of the fire he staring longly into it. After a long time he starts to write in it*
We were called by the people of Bydell castle to help them find their children, twelve of them. Captured by ogres and half-ogres on a outing with their governance. It took us a long time to get underway, but we manage to find the trails. Unfortunatly, our efforts was stopped at first as I was the only one with Tim to survive the first encounters. I barely was able to slide into the shadows in time to save myself. Once every one was up again we retreated to regain our strength then pressed on. The first person we met that didn't try to kill us, was called Thorm. He pointed us in teh direction where he had seen a group of half-ogre drag a child up some vines and over the cliff side.
It wasn't easy to really what I wanted to the group. I wanted to keep one of the advance guard alive to question him. When we finally manage that I made sure he would understand what I was going to do to him if he lied, you do not see a half-ogre cower like that one did. He tried to answer my question but I got irritated and simply plunged my sword in his throat killing it instantly. Some of the group were upheld by what I had done, but I wasn't in any mood to explain to them. They had kidnapped a woman and twelve children, it went against every fiber of my being.
Finally we found the camp where they held them hostage, using them as diversion i went to the enclosure in which they were kept and Tried to kill the guard who I found out was the leader of the group of half-ogre. I need to work on that as he barely manage to avoid my blades, not without harm though. He was heavily bleeding as he ran away and stumbled on my group which dispatched of him easily in his state.
I went in the cage to see to the children, and saw the gouvernant on teh ground. I manage to persuade the kids to get out and group near the party, and picked up the woman. Her arm was broken, both her hands were crushed and her hair was filled with blood. She was elven and right away I saw in her Jaelle, she too was a caster. It could have so very easily have been my love, in there with the children.
There was only seven of them there with the elven woman, and soon after we found out where the others were. The son of one of the temple clerk was part of the missing, and we found his wrist band in the fire still attacked to his hand that was resting on one of the rocks surrounding the fire. It was a horrible sight, it reminded me of my childhood, of when my father massacred the village that had kidnapped me and almost killed me in the process.
Me and Tim gathered the remains after destroying the camp, while the others were bringing the children to safety, back to the castle. All i could do when we got there was to start digging. The rain had turned the soil into mud and with each stroke in the earth I did with my hand, the rain filled it back with mud. Finally after some time and efforts, and while the rest of the group were talking to the family, apologizing for not being able to save all the children, me and Marcus buried the remains.
I left shortly after, in utter silence, I could hide how this was hard on me.. I betrayed my emotions.. It wont happen again, not for anyone else than Jaelle. I am a shadowdancer, I live apart of everyone else, barely in touch with my emotions. I cannot let them see who I am, what I feel. All but her.
Bastards, monsters.. It reminds me why we have to slaughter every single one of them, from the giants to the gobbling. For those types of atrocities.
*Slams his journal shut and resumes staring into the fire.*
-
Freas, Seplar 13, 1429
Well G'ork I didn't think you would but you did. It's amusing really, gold old cloak of the watchers. Well see how you like the present I will be sending you in your sleep.
It took a mage for him to actually get me, I think he still need training. But what was even more funnier, was that he killed me in front of witnesses and then I found them all talking together, G'ork that mage, Arkolio and Hardragh, at the crossroad. All trying to persuade Jin jun li that it was my fault. That I was the one who attacked G'ork, hilarious really. If I truly wanted to kill him, I wouldn't be doing the job myself, for it to be traced back to me.
Then G'ork leaving, walking very slowly as if he was carrying way to much even for him, just after talking with Hardragh and Ark, a payment?? Jin and Goldwin both noticed it too. Both will also be investigating the affair, I guess I could even call in the favor I have with Barion, hmm maybe even Sasha. I gave them enough info to dig into G'orks past a bit which, poor Kali won't like it, will lead to Hardragh. After all, us three did some work together in the past, and G'ork even approached me for an assassination attempt, Abi should remember that day in the peaks near Storan. And to say his first approached was to betray his own employer by asking me to just let myself get beaten up and I would get half his pay. Really, he would just have doubled crossed me.
This on the other hand makes me pause on one thing, Jaelle. I know she cheated with Ark, and probably still do it. Now that Ark may be involved in this, how does it change things? She told him not to bring her complications, but it did. I have some thinking to do about this. Maybe I got to complaisant, and what happened in the past with the syndicate is happening again but with different players, or maybe she just got used again. One thing for sure I had reason to hate Ark, they just got settled in even more.
Seems that what I hoped I was going to be able to leave in my past and never go back to, has just been forced out of my closet for me, their loss.
In the mean time Jin wants me to try and find out who that mage was. He has the suspicion that he goes under different aliases, Aiden Corsea, Ne'kra, and maybe Alandric.
-
Sunra, Oclar 15, 1429
I am placing the pieces in place, It's a matter of time now that things go on their own and I will be able to watch laughing from the shadows.
I've told Jaelle what I heard and saw after G'ork killed me. If through out the beginning of our trip with the group, she was acting distant as she often do in big gathering, this time she looked at me shocked, confused and with fear in her eyes as I told her that her lover and Hardragh was there talking with the others trying to convince Jin that I was the one to attack G'ork. As the trip continues she remained distant and quiet, even more so after the trip, she left completely on the defensive, stating that she would be gone to think. I can't say I was as my usual with her either, some part of me wonders if she had anything to do in that, which is conflicting completely with what I have felt from her lately and the love I know.. knew..Know she has for me. I don't know what will happen out of this, it may be what stops everything or it maybe what brings us even closer.. I don't know. But the fact that she said she was going to think.. leaves me to think that she will go and see him. And that right now, at this moment, I don't know how to take this. I'm the one being trampled in this and with the possibility of a set up from Ark and Hardragh, and I am the one eating the dung out of it even with her.
When I told Sasha she didn't take it well either, she knows that if she doesn't act, I will take it into my own hands. But knowing that her boyfriend could be involved is not making her happy. I can understand that, I will spare her the other things I know about Ark. She will have enough to deal with already. She says that Jin is a good friend of hers and will talk to him to get more information.
Rose for some reason was the same. When I told her what happened and the description of the mage with the aliases I was given, she became very uncomfortable. I wonder if she knows him at all, would be to convenient. I asked her to relay the information to Clarissa and Quantum. Which the later owes me favors for saving his life twice, and for putting myself at risk in court to give testimony against Saida. The next step is to find Barion and get him involved too.
Hmm to think of it, since Hardragh deliberately tried to sway the blame on me to preserve G'ork; who I know is an acolyte of his, it might be interesting to speak with Muireann about the whole affair.
I'm tired.. that's all I can say.. tired.
-
Wedlar, Oclar 25, 1429
*scribbles are written on the page, with evident anger and rage*
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON??? WHO THE HECK DOES SHE THINK SHE IS?? WHAT KIND OF FRIGGING GAME DOES SHE THINK SHE IS PLAYING??? DOES SHE THINK THAT MY HEART IS JUST A TOY THAT SHE CAN PLAY WITH IMPUNIBLY??? THAT I WILL JUST ACCEPT EVERYTHING AND ASK FOR MORE???
IF SHE WANTS TO PLAY THOSE GAMES, SHE WILL FIND OUT THAT SHE WILL PLAY THEM ALONE, AND NOT FIND ME THERE TO ENDURE THEM. I GOT ENOUGH ON MY MIND, ENOUGH OF HEARTACHES AND HEADACHES TO STAY THERE AND SEE HER SYSTEMATICALLY DESTROY EVERYTHING THERE WAS BETWEEN US. AS I SAID, IT WILL EITHER KILL US OR IT WILL MAKE US STRONGER, BUT AS OF YET, ALL I HAVE SEEN IS IT KILLING US.
AND THAT TWIRP, I SHOULD HAVE KILLED HIM ON THE SPOT, BUT NOOOO, I HAD TO PUSH IT BACK BECAUSE SHE IS FRIEND WITH HIM.. NO MORE!! IM FED UP!!
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Tunar, Decilar 17, 1429
On the other hand, Jaelle seems to think that Hardragh was not involved in this. We got into an argument because of it. I told her some time later that evening, as we were talking about mist and other things, that I had not been all truthful this night. That as I was coming out of the ore hills I saw him there and decided to spy (http://forums.layonara.com/photopost/showphoto.php?photo=120322&limit=recent) on him. But then Jaelle came, my first instinct was to leave, but I needed to know what was going to happen. At first I was still so much angry at her, for how she reacted and then acted with Chaynce, when the bastard almost killed me with hitting that trap. But as her conversation with Hardragh went on, things she said appeased me. Until I find out she was hiding from me. And now something about a deal in the future with Hardragh against someone. In the same conversation it could sound as if it is against me.
She was mad at the intrusion of her privacy, and of me lying to her. But for some reason she kissed me right there and then, told me to let her have her anger, that she would be back. and after me giving her what I was holding for her and her gift, she accused me of ruining a good fight with a playful grin on her face. We shared ourselves there on the jagged rocks. It had been some time since the last time we were alone and the moment was passionate. luckily I managed to avoid the more sharps one, so beside some scratching, there was no serious bleeding.
It seems that I ask a lot of her at times, or that she thinks she is too damaged. I think she is just afraid of letting go of her guards and leaving herself to live the love, and stopping to concentrate on things that we cannot change. I told her so, I told her that if she kept concentrating on the fact that love would hurt at times; that every one dies and leaves one alone for a time, that she would not be able to live fully and plainly what love is. She asks about the point of living it if it's bound to hurt her. The point is exactly that, love is what drives us to continue in our life. To push forward passed the troubled times, it's what gives us more strength than any other force. That without love, life has simply no meaning, you see it all around you even within the animals.She laughed a little asking me if I was becoming an Ilsarian. That was a funny thought but no, fact of the matter is I still partly believe in mist, at least some of it, and the way Jaelle talks about it makes me wonder. She's not yet pledge to the lady of doom, but still, I see in her more faith than many of the followers.
Earlier on in the conversation, i was hard on her and it made her cry. She wanted me to leave, but not just leave her now, but for ever, she wanted it but with more than half of desire for me to stay with her. She knows she hurts me, but she doesn't know if she can stop. And yet again in one way that she does, she keeps me away from knowing things that is happening to her. For instance, there is someone hunting her or something like that, but instead of talking to me about it, she talks to others, keeping me in the dark. She knows I would do everything to help her, but yet she doesn't let me know. A way to try and protect me? maybe, i think its more a way for her not to need me, as she said that she finds she does, but she doesn't want to, but se can't fight it. That's why she hides, and leaves me for month until it's to strong and she just have to come back to me. Again the fear.
The day she lets go of that fear and just take pleasure in what there is in between us, fully without holding back. That day will be a day of reckoning.
//edit some elements deleted by my own choice.
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Wedlar, Mar 25, 1430
It's been a little bit over three months now since I have seen Jaelle, I hope she is well. I go on my business in the mean time, raising money to buy new and much needed equipment. Gathering corn for Hanna, and looking into starting a craft for my own.
There is also the new possibility of my moving to a new place, less expensive by far and giving me complete control over how I can set my things up and how many i can put. Turns out Hunty has made herself a good deal with the previous owner, and now she is renting rooms of her own. I want to talk to Jaelle first, before I make any decision and to at least let her know I may be moving, so she doesn't turn up one day and find that I am no longer there, thinking I have abandoned her. But no news, and I don't think it would be that bright to go look after her, with what has happened last time.
I guess I'll give it a few more months. If by then I still have no news, I guess it's just move on and deal with what there is, if there is anything to deal with.
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Satari, Apreal 14, 1430
Women and their scorn, who said they were more mature??
Kali seemed more than happy to want to let the event that happened with Jaelle, go away, die off and flow down the river of the forgetfulness, when we talked at the crossroads. But now.. the rumors are that she is spreading lies about having worked with the Rofies to get the key back. Key that she knows Jaelle doesn't posses anymore, for having told her myself. Did she already forget that one of the people that worked for her, robbed Jaelle at rapiers point? Did she already forget that it is Ellis who gave a copy of the key to Jaelle, who was paying rent through Ellis? Hence not making it unlawful from Jaelle side, but maybe breaking the house rules from Ellis side?
Guess if she plays that game, I'll have to go and check up on those I know in the Rofies to see, if what she is saying of her "working" with them on three occasion to get the key back, is true.
In the mean time, Jaelle is still away, and I am waiting to talk to her before making my decision on the room.
Why do I have a feeling that all of this is about to blow up in my face.. It's already scarred enough as it is...
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Threas, Jular 5, 1430
It has now been six months since I have seen Jaelle. I know she can take care of herself with her spells, but at the same time I have noticed she has became more reckless, and it worries me. The few gossips I heard about says she had went after pirates at Sedera, I was there for the first length but was detained for the second. I should have staid with her. If anything happens to her, and I could have prevented it, I will not forgive myself.
I know she won't like it much, but I need to at least see that she is alright. And I do wish to talk to her about the other place, but mostly just to see her. I miss her terribly.
I know that the past months or so before she left, was hard on both of us, and I want to make sure she knows, that I am not abandoning her. For that I need to find her.
She said she was hiding near the sea, when she talked to Hardragh. I'll check the ports and towns, I know how ever that she has not been seen in Leringard or Hempstead. I should also look at any town that has a craft hall.
First stop, Leringard, try to talk with her tutors there see if they can enlighten me at how she is or where she is. Then Mariner's hold, North Point, Audira, Stort, Ketharian, Prantz, Vale. Heck I'll search every city, town and village if I have to.
I'll also try to send her word through bird before leaving and I'll wait a week or so for an answer, if I get nothing from it, I will go looking for her.
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Threas, Seplar 19, 1430
It's now been nine month since I have seen Jaelle or even had news of her. I grew worried and went on to search for her, but up till now all my search has been in vain.
I've came back to check on things here and there is no sing of here back here either.
I've come to the conclusion that either she has found the way not to need me, that's how she had put it when we last had time together, or she has gotten herself into trouble and is unable to call for help, and probably unwilling at the same time.
This has me worried sick, but I have to be strong. I'll keep looking, but I think I should also prepare myself to the possibilities that is not alien to the world we live in. But until it is definite that there is no hope, I have to keep looking and keep faith.
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Tunar, Jenra 24, 1431
Its now been over a year since I have seen or have any news coming from her. From those 13 months, at least 3 have been with her being back from what Marcus told me 3 months ago.
I guess she has found what she was looking for. Leaving me with what? memories I guess.
I have gone to see her mentors again, hoping they could help me locate her. I am waiting for an answer if they will or not.
If this is a game it's not a funny one!
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Wedlar, Jenra 25, 1431
I found her on my way to pick her some Aloe. She was with a group of people, Marcus was there... She barely paid me any attention beside a hello and answering one question. Even when I told her I wanted to talk to her, she shrugged me off saying later. 13 months I have waited to see her again, searched for her without knowing if she was alive or dead. Thirteen months of agony, and when I finally see her again, it is as if I had never existed for her. That all that had happened, was only an illusion. As if all of those words, feelings, fights, nights together; all the hand writing on my back or chest, the whispers of I love yous, were all just a figment of my imagination.
And then she went and made camp with Chaynce. Looks like the Arkolio story is happening again.
It seems to be clear now that she has made her choice, and I am no longer part of it. She left me, when she went away God knows where, when she was back but never gave sign of life, propagating my worries even more. What else could it be?
I guess I can't really blame her, I am the one who made the decision to stay with her, even if I knew she was going to hurt me. She had told me so, she knew she would. But I had decided to stay with her, because i knew I loved her, and that under all those walls and barriers, her fortifications to protect herself, she loved me too, and that was enough for me. And still, today, if she came back and told me I was wrong... I know i would still be there by her side. Some part of me wishes it, wishes me to be wrong. But it's hard to know or even think otherwise after all of that.
I look around in my room, and every where I see things that belongs to her. A comb, her robes, a few books by my bed. Should I keep them, throw them away, burn them out of my room? I don't know.. just don't know anymore.
Maybe I should just vanish into the shadows and never come back.
*leaves his journal open on the coach and goes to bed.*
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Threas, Febra 5, 1431
It's over, but yet she lied when she said she didn't love me anymore. I could see it in the end, and I still do love her. Just before it went black, she kissed me and then whispered she didn't want to do this to me, then I woke up in my room. The feeling I had, she casted the same kind of spell that Saida had done to me once.
She's trying to protect me and her from something. That's all of what this can be. But she made her choice, now I have to live with the pain and loss, again.
The future can work things out some times, people that you though were gone for good coming back. Maybe will find each others again one day and get back what she decided to push away. Maybe not.
I will still try to help in anyway I can, maybe be the dark shadow angel over her elbow, when I can. I know she can take care of herself, but it won't hurt her to have a bit more help.
I don't think I will truly ever stop loving her.
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*his hand writing is sloppier than usual, betraying a sign of confusion and anger*
Satari, Apreal 21, 1431
A parcel from ark a few days after telling me that she kept coming back to him over and over and over, in front of Sasha. Then Jaelle looked startled by the lake and hurriedly hid the cloth back into the parcel. She went on asking to speak to Sasha ,but then tells me ,when I ask her to give the key back to Muireann, that she has something to tell me and to let her know when I am ready. I go to her and tell her I am, but now Ark shows up with Sasha. Sasha threatens to hurt me, Ark stays completely silent, and Jaelle asks me to leave...
And says she knows how to reach me.. Only three people knows. She's not one of them...
I've been had. Completely had. Good thing I didn't start to set up that room.
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Mulnari, Mai 23, 1431
she wanted to tell me my past, the one that she had found out. At first I thought it was an other way for her to torture me, but too many things seemed to fit. I know who I am now, who I was. It's a strange and very confusing feeling. And then we had one of our moment there, at the crossroad, while the storm was raging. No one there to see us at the time, but anyone could have.
I gave her a necklace I had bought while she was gone for thirteen months. And had it inscribed, "So that wherever you are, you will always remember I am there". As the storm died up and the sun got up, we held each others until it was time for her to leave. There just before she turn and walked away, she turn and looked at me, then made the gesture in sign language. strokes chin, points a finger, interlaces fingers. I understood what it meant, a rare occasion. I love you, is what it meant. She does still love me, said so herself in our talks too, but still can not be with me, protecting me from something she doesn't even want to tell me.
But then... *his hand writing becomes heavier, darker* She gave him, the only thing she has always refused me. That bastard of Marcus. All of our time together, I have strive to be there for her and protect her because I loved her. And she seeks shelter with him.. He has called himself friend in the past, even before we decided to help the stupid gnome, but infact all he was waiting is to find a way to stab me in the back. And he found it, and stab he did, not once, or twice, but throughout my time with Jaelle. I have forgiven him too many times. Maybe it's time for me to hand back what he left in my back, but through his heart, watching his eyes slowly as the life drains from them. Watching until the very essence of his soul leave him, and his eye grows still and empty. But I don't.. because of her, I can't beleive that even when I know all of this, all of her games she showed me, knowing there is still so many she doesn't tell me. I still love her. I am condemned.
There she was at the fire of hlint, with my student, asking her questions about me, her, trying to figure out what we were, if there was more, jealousy in her voice, even if she tried to cover it. But it doesn't matter anymore, the one she knew, I will kill out of me. Leave to die within the box in my mind, the box she showed me to reach to leave what was unneeded. My last gift to her, reward of all her doings. While they were talking I took something from Alatriel, but also left her a simple note.
"I am gone for some time."
And so here I am, changing my appearance, and ready to leave this forsaken place. I don't know for how long, long enough to forget who I am, who I was. To forget everything.
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Threas, Jular 5, 1431
What am I doing, by trying to push that pain away, I'm also pushing her away. She discovered me too easily, and confronted me. The talk went so bad. We .. I .. I don't know why I told her those things. But at the same time, part of them are true, she doesn't care if she hurts me, even by how she acted with Hedessa, proved it.
I don't know ... I just don't know anymore.. the shadows seems so simple.. so calling... Maybe I'd find my peace there...
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Mulnari, Oclar 23, 1431
I've grown founder of Alatriel, and I think she has too. I don't know what will happen in the future, but for now, as I told her, I will take the time to figure things out. She seemed to agree with that, but I do wonder how it would be to be with someone that is not.. how to put it, complicated.
She stood out, because she doesn't try to stand out. She is who she is, without apparat, without trying to seduce. We have a lot more in common that I would have imagined. It's refreshing in a way to have met someone who knows what I have been through. Not that I wouldn't have wished her to have a better childhood, but she knows how it feels.
I still love Jaelle, and it will never change, which may be sad for Alatriel if she comes to fall for me. But things have taken a turn for the better and for the worst too.
We are back together, but no one will ever be able to know. The things she thought I could not bare... and decided to push me away for, I had already lived with her. There for I know I can bare them. Doesn't mean it will be easy, not at all, but I know that the things she will do, she will do for a goal. I know what that is like, as I have had let people die or get hurt at times, to make sure that the goal at the end was reached. It will be hell, but as long as I know that she loves me, and that I love her. I will be by her side.
Which brings me to Laura. If she comes to her, and tries to take her. Jaelle has asked me to promise to let her go willingly at least until I was ready to mount a rescue for her. There is a few people I have to contact, when the time will be right, but I will not let Laura have her ways with the woman I love. Even if I have to die for it.
With this, our love is sealed in a blood oath, first that I had made to never betray the things she would tell me, but then she decided to cut her hand with my dagger, misjudging its sharpness, imitating my own blood oath, and she collapsed unconscious. I took her hand in mine, the one that i had cut for my blood oath, then healed us both at the same time. When she woke up she saw our hand joined and she smiled softly, first apologizing for collapsing, but then the words that cam out of her mouth were the most liberating force I ever felt.
She squeezed my hand looking deeply into my eyes.
J- We are bound, you and I ...
Those simple words, uplifted my heart to heights I had never felt it reach before. An she kept going.
Whether we will it or no now. Do you deny it?
B- I do not.
She moved closer to me
B- I will never betray you my love.
I whispered to her as she moved to rest her head on my lap
J- Some of my blood runs in your veins now.
Her soft voice whispering those with grace and love.
B- And some of mine in yours.
J- Yes.
I started smiling to her softly, admiring her beauty as my right hand gently stroked her hair and she looked up at me with a little sad smile.
J- I am afraid it still doesn't change much.
B- It changes what you are willing to let change, and it shows my devotion.
J- It cannot be known, Brian. There's just so much at stake.
I understood the meaning of those heavy words. Our love was to be known only by us, as if it was to be seen, it would put her and I in danger for the things she would do.
J- So if you forget ...
She squeezed my hand again, intently, purposely telling me that our scars would be our reminder of the love we share, what ever the things we would have to do. A concrete reminder of the love she has for me is now permanently hitched in the palm of her hand.
J- I am sorry to ask it, but it's how it must be.
B- I know.
And then we held each other for a long time, simply, complicatedly. Sharing ourselves and love through the night. I can't say I know the future, where this will end. We may never be able to live a public love, where all around could marvel with us in what love is. Or we may be able to, one day. But I know that I will have to do things on my side too. Things that I will do only to protect her, and what must be kept silent.
I do not know if it is the right thing to do, I do not know if it is even condonable. I have to think very carefully of this and also see, if Jaelle agrees with this. It could very well shatter the life of an innocent.
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Mulnari, Decilar 2, 1431
I gave her a flower, well more like slipped one into her pack, while we were at the craft hall in hempstead. Aerimor, Verideth, Leshariel, Aerynne and Caewryn were there. I know she saw it, when I saw her freeze for a moment looking at it, the she placed it safely into a box. Once every one was gone and there was only me and her, I whispered to her that Jaelle was no longer an issue, and that if she wanted it, we could take our time to know each other better. She looked quite surprised, scared maybe the better word and she wanted to talk after the trip I had just organized.
We went to the dragon isle, a trip like any other one, except that Aerimor almost died, but Alatriel was quick to throw a potion at him. Then as they all went away we staid behind and talked. She needed time, but I could see right away there was fear. I asked her what she was afraid of, and she told me that she didn't know if she was ready to learn to love, to have to learn to be alone again once I was gone. I am not going anywhere soon, I told her, and I also told her that we, those who fight for those who can't, the "heroes" as they call it. We had to take what came to us and live it, because we never know when our time is going to be up. It could be six month, it could be a year, but if we don't face our fears, and take what is in front of us, we may never live to learn to love. She wasn't sure if she was ready to love, but in truth, who is ever ready. We are not born ready, we are never ready, we grow into love.
I think it appeased her somewhat, as when I was telling her this simple truth, she reached for my cheek and caressed it softly looking into my eyes. I slowly and gently reached for hers and we agreed to take things slowly. The sun was starting to show its gentle rays on her, her green eyes sparkling with the new born light. I moved to hold her from behind to look at the new day, and she leaned in, in me, relaxing more as the time passed. Then she asked me to go home, words that she uses more often lately. For the past two months and a half she had been staying with me. Me using the couch in the living room and her my room, except for the past two weeks, where I have slept in my room, on the rug, and her still in my bed. She seems to take comfort somehow in that, settling in slowly. Ir is a good thing, something I don't regret.
Before we left for home, as we were watching the sun rise, I commented that we were favored by the light of a raising sun, and slowly kissed her forehead, her smiling and reaching for my cheek with her tender hand. She then took my hand and led us home. She in my bed, and me on the floor again.
Today though.. was a tougher day, I met with her and Raz, bantered with him a bit, where she told me I was behaving. I wanted to laugh there, it was cute. Raz didn't know it was me either, well he only met me once, while I was masked. Anyhow we were planning to go and get some Aloe, but some last mining business came on, and Ella had to go. I talked a bit more with Raz, the guy seems more lost than me at times. I left him there after a while, not before leading him on a bit on poor unsuspecting Emie. Told him she loved flowers and that he should go talk to her. I feel almost guilty about that, almost. I wonder what she will do to him, maybe she'll just smirk, maybe more, it's hard to know with her.
Anyhow I went to collect the Aloe for Ella, and got word from Elohanna. She was back at her place and was available to see me. As we were speaking of business, things went and turn sour. Just before I was going to leave, she asked me the one question I was not ready to answer. "Why do I feel you are very familiar? I didn't see it before but now I do"
I don't know why exactly I told her, but I knew that if I didn't she would keep searching, so I started to tell her my story, which straight in the middle she completed by saying "It's Rain isin't?" I was floored, she knew what I was talking about. She told me that he had changed, that he was atoning for what he did, and that I should meet them. I didn't really know what to say, but I told her I couldn't yet and made her swear never to tell them, which she did. The she leaned in to hug me and kissed my forehead calling me her nephew. I was petrified at that.. I don't know why I just was. I helped her to her room, Soon apparently I will have a surrogated cousin of sort.
Then I met Alatriel outside, and after a little talk on how I would have to face them one day, we went home. She sleeping now in the bed while I'm writing this, she tried to convince me to let her sleep on the floor. But I'm starting to get used to it myself.
All of this.. I didn't know it was going to be this hard on Jaelle. I knew it would, but not this hard. I told her of my plan, she wasn't please one bit at the idea, but after some talk she understood why I was doing it. Since then we have spent as much time as we could secretly together. I miss her terribly, and to tell the truth, the only way I am able to go through this, is to think of her there, in front of me, instead of Alatriel.
Our last trip, me and Jaelle, was the toughest yet. She kept picturing me with her, and it is hurting her. At the end she had erected a wall again, and it got to me. I started to fight without thought, nearly getting really hurt too. She was angry at me for not fighting as she knows I can, and asked me who I was trying to punish her or me. I was punishing myself.. for hurting her.. for putting her through this. Again she came close to me and told me she understood the whys that she didn't like it, but she understood. She whispered to me in a way I had never heard her do.. it was heartbreaking, I wanted to kidnap her and never be seen again. Somewhere safe, away from every one. For the first time in our lives together, she asked me when she would see me again. It had always been her finding me at her pace.. her controlling our love life, but now.. it is almost as if she was afraid that she would not see me again. I have to be strong for her, if I'm not then who will? I want to be strong for her. Not because I think she is weak, but because she deserves someone who is. I gave her my address for her to send me word, in the form of a contract. Then she asked me in her way, if Alatriel was staying with me. I didn't lie, she is, but she doesn't have a key. She also asked me again, if I knew where to find her. It takes everything I have to tell her that I don't know. I know that if I tell her that I know she lives at Muireann, she will be hurt, feel invaded and close herself. I told her I would if she told me, and she hesitated. Then kissed my cheek saying she would write to me. Then she held on to me for the longest time, whispering.. "please ... come find me soon, some days I feel so lost and alone.. I know you will always be able to find me" I love her so much.. To reassure her and give her a way to see, in public of my love for her, I attached a red chord to one of my scarab. I will never take it off, while I am alive. Then we had to part way. I kissed her goodbye before fading in the shadows, and then while in the cover of the shadows I kissed her once again with all my love. She stood there for a while looking lost and sad, then finally went and got aboard the ship. Ship that I had stowed away myself.
As i was getting the aloe for Ella, I saw her with trith... I know what it is.. but what he said made me pause in my step slightly. I hope it didn't betray me.
"Like you have said to me, you have had enemies and others who would harm me. She said the same ..."
"I was very very young, but it does not bother me ... nothing bothers me"
"What I am getting at is that once I find love, I will do anything to see it through ..."
I wasn't sure if he was threatening her with this or not.. but I had to keep waling, feeling her sight on me, I turned once to look at her, making sure she could see the red Chord. Then I went and vented on the Treeants. They are tougher than they look, when you have no protection on. But i got them and got the Aloe. I walked by them again, but this time I didn't listen.
I have to see her soon, I miss her terribly and I don't want her to think that I have left her. She will alway be the holder of my heat.
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Satari, Decilar 28, 1431
Alatriel has closed off a little, it happened after we decided to go fight some Kenku. Unfortunatly they were harder than I had remembered them to be and all of them fell but me. When I finished the last one, they came back to rest on their fall point, but Ella was now very distant.
I didn't see her for a couple of days after that, but when I did, it felt as if she was pushing me away. We had a hard talk at in the craft hall in front of a lot of crafters, but in the end things smoothed out, she was starting to relaxe again and even stole a kiss before she ran away.
An other few days passed then as a group and I were entering the hammerbound mountain, she joined us there. We had a good trip, lots of fun, even more that I was using a new pseudonym "Daniel" The only one who caught up beside Ala who of course would, is Elgon.. my half brother is also my worst nightmare. He can sniff me out just by my scent. I'm going to have to carry some bags of cayenne powder. In any case, Ala made many reference in the trip that she was now ready to come back home soon. And we ended up the night at the little lake in haven. Well I ended up the night, she watched me sleep. And in the morning she was gone, but left me a note. "The shadows are near, I can feel them."
I have spent many days traveling with Jaelle lately, more than ever, and I am happy, sad that we have to hide to be able to live our love, but it is how it is for now. The plan with Alatriel is hard on both of us, but we both know why we are doing it. And it makes every moment with her all the more special, my love for her is unfaltering.
She sent me a contract, carefully imbeded in the message was a point of contact. It was our place, our favorite spot together, the lake of Dream. We spent two weeks there just the two of us, talking, swimming, gathering the things we needed, training. I am happy that even through our deception we are able to be together, and I have to say that ever since our blood oath, she's been more herself. Like if she had stopped pushing and playing games. Maybe that's the kind of assurance she needed. It kinda binds both our heart together, something I know she wouldn't usually do, so I guess this is important to her.. how important though I don't know.
What I do know is that for me it is very important, something I take in with all my heart. Its the beginnings of a rocky fairy tale of sort. Who knew when we started to see each other about 4 years ago, that we would now be bond by something stronger than even the word of a priestess could give us? I am truly happy though, who knows one day the illusions may totally come down. But for now, we will find ways to be ourselves together, through all the mascarades.
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Freas, Jenra 6, 1432
I spent sometime today with Alatriel, mostly talking in hempstead or in the field. Her, me, Aerimor and others. Peaceful time, with gentle laughter.
I also saw Marcus, I have to say that I am ashamed of him in some way. He has the possibility for a great life, love, family. But yet he leaves his pride to blind him and instead of seeing the fault in his own actions, in the reputation he built himself with woman, he places the blame on her.
"she is the one leaving without talking blah blah blah"
He lacks so much common sense at times, that I look like a saint compared to him. I told him what I though, that he should walk over his pride and start to act like the fiance he is suppose to be. TO look for her, and regain her love and respect. After all she went through, he can't expect her to be like she was before. He has to prove to her that he is the man he was, before all of his mess. There is no one else for him to blame than himself. Even if he was charmed by others, he still made the final decision.
Alatriel joined us after that Jaelle came. Odd moment I have to say, but Jaelle as her usual was working her charms on the other men. When Verideth showed up in almost nothing, it was funny that they left together. Marcus saying he needed a tailor, me a savior. And to say that Raz was drooling over walking away. Ela enlighting us about the kiss he received from Jaelle. A comical moment to say the least, and Jaelle leaving after looking at all those present. A few of her past men, possible future one, and Ela, who obviously doesn't hold a closeness to Jaelle heart.
I owe Alatriel a neck massage for her ability to fish with her bare hand, unmatching me at first. I was rusty it seems.
all fun aside, the end of the day was one I wish I could forget
You thought that your past was behind you, never to caught up again, but then it finds you and pulls you back into it mercilessly.
Was the torture of that Pyrterite gnome necessary? maybe.. I don't know. But in the instant where I took back part of my old trade, I felt like when I was back with them. Did I like torturing him? no, without a doubt, as necessary it might have been... I hated it, but I couldn't show it.
I blame my true father of being a monster for murdering over two hundred people of my "adoptive" village.. but in fact I am more a monster than he ever was.
I wish, Jaelle Hadn't been there to witness that side of me, that darkness in me that surpasses the one of the shadows. I don't think she fully realized that I hated what I had done. One the moment, I was emotionless, I had to. You can't do what I did, if you let your emotions surface. But if it wasn't for her, I would have kept going, until there was no skin left to peel off of the gnome.
I don't think that willingly putting my life on the line to save a mother and her child from the burning house, or willing to give my life to stop the Golem, can atone for what I did.
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Satari, Mar 28, 1432
Apparently Laura is a bad lier, trying to tell us that Jaelle wanted to convert to Ilsare. She is really dumber than I thought. But the fact is that she came again, and the result is that people think that Jaelle is after Clarisse
My first plan was to find a baby that looked like Clarisse, tattoo her and then use her to get close to laura to strike her a final blow, but even I have to admit that this plan didn't feel right. It's a very sound plan as it would split the heat off in half, and keep Laura guessing, giving us more time, but at the same time..
Alatriel was sickened by the idea and in the end I chose not to go with it. It brought up nightmares though I remember them.. the village again. I hadn't made those in a few months but apparently they were violent that night.
in the mean time I came up with an other plan, Hanna will go and ask the Aeridinite to make a false urn. We will try to lure Laura to the crossroad with it, where we will deal with her permanently. Hanna told me she would have something for me soon the last time I saw her. And things with Ella seems to have settled down since my first plan. We don't talk about it, which is fine.
Something interesting has happened though, she wanted us to talk to my sister to let her know that she was staying with me most of the time, and so we did. Problem was that Sarah was in her bath and when she came out she was still dripping wet. Izzy came out too and what was supposed to be a simple talk, changed into a let's make Alatriel blush fest. Not to mention that Izzy started to hit on Ella right infront of Sarah.. I'm not to sure what to make of that one.
Since the fiasco that the first plan brought I had to use some sneaking tactics to keep Alatriel for our cover. Once I was out of Hanna's house, I gave my self a very calculated head injury, which combined with faking being passed out, made sure that what she felt would supplant her anger at me for that plan. The night mare where real though.
Jaelle, my love, my heart.. she is jumping into the lions den.. I can't stop her. The hardest choice I have ever had to make. Can I accept that she might die, lose her self to those vampires? all that I love, gone forever? She asked me that if she was to take harm on Clarisse.. that I kill her.. It's unbearable.. to think that I might have to kill the only one that ever made sense into my life. She will fight, she said she would. With her last drop of blood, with her last breath, she will fight her. She left me one of her soul stone.. a mark of trust. I can't fail her.
on one of our trips, we went to the firestep, Pig, Wren and Hard, with me and Jaelle. We were left stranded when both of them got killed and we had to retreat. I tried to find out way out but I got killed myself. Leaving my love there stranded. I was keeping my promise to her, to get back to her no matter what the cost, but as I was getting back to her, there she was. She had found the strength to face her fears and went to find the way out. I have to say that for all the days it took me to get where i was, when she found me, I was scared to find her dead out of food or something. I was my heart stopped when I saw her walk toward me, wet, her clothing hardened by the salt, shaking. I held her in my arms and felt like I had failed her, but she reassured me I had not, she knew I would have came back if I could.
Later on in vale, we talked about what had happened, she told me about her prayer to Mist, how she had somehow managed to survive the fall, and how she was brought to swim across the island to reach me. It was a test, a test of will, to see if she would come up and face the challenges, and she did. She told me that she was scared something had happened to me, when she saw the blood and all the enemy circling where I had fallen. I just can't imagine what I would do without her. It's more than a need, it's a burning sensation that course through all my being. Just looking at her work, it's like nothing else matters. But yet I had to go back to Alatriel, preserve the appearances. I told her that soon, hopefully, when all of this is over, we could choose to be ourselves freely or still hidden. She asked me what I would chose. I chose freely, but I am not the only one who has to chose it. I cannot decide for both of us. And it is better to be hidden, than without her.
There is no question, if she dies.. I die, even if my body keeps on. My soul is bound to hers.
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Freas, Jular 6, 1432
Alatriel is avoiding me,
I feel like ripping the heart out of Hedessa and burn it until there is nothing left, open her skull and spoon her brain out. The stupid xeen had awaken my sickness by giving me wine before raising me. And Alatriel was left in the after math of not knowing what to do, not knowing if I would be alright, seeing that Jaelle knew more of it than her. But Jaelle was there when the first antidote was given to me, she was dating Marcus at the time. And we were together for almost five years.
The last time we spoke was at Hanna where she told me that she didn't know if it would work out, and now she is avoiding me. I had told her the reason for not telling her was that I was afraid it would push her away. And it did. I haven't seen her for months now, and I had decided to go through alone with taking the antidote, she couldn't deal with it, and I didn't want to burden Elohanna or her so I simply left.
The last time I saw her, I asked her if she wanted to go walk and she said no, that she was with a friend, pointing to Raz. Something about her showed that she was hiding something and avoiding me, I don't know what it is, but I can take some guesses. There are similarities between her and Jaelle, the way they close up when something is not right, the way they push away when something reaches them too close. Could it be that she decided to go with Raz someone safe, someone to forget, wouldn't be the first time that this happens to me.
My love is losing the battle, I can see it, I can feel it. She is confused. Laura has her thinking about immortality, confusing her with signs of friendship, giving her a feather and strong arrows, and now I even heard her ask Abigail to restring a powerful bow that is for a gift to someone, I can only assume it is for Jaelle. She is failing her promise to fight and I am losing her. I am losing everything...
To help her and protect her, I had to lie to everyone, to Hanna, even my family that still don't know I am their siblings. I have used every one to ensure that my plan would succeed, and now I am face with the only possibility that should not have happened, and it is that the very reason I am fighting, is being taken away from me.
She's hiding something from me, I know its there I know that she feels pulled toward Laura, that when she calls her Mistress, it is not only out of play, but inside of her there is a part of her that believe it to be true. She is becoming the only thing I had never seen her be with anyone... Submissive.
She is becoming dependent of that feather, always playing with it keeping it on her, close to her at all time. We had a huge fight about it at the hall of the weave, where I had to practically rip it away from her to see what she was hiding. And she dared say that she was only playing alone, playing with the trust that Laura was giving her, but I can see it now, she is failing.
I don't even know if I can trust her anymore, not that I have given her any crucial information, beside knowing that it is the plan. But I can't even know if she will be standing with me when it will be the time to end Laura's actions. Our last fight was about her not wanting to tell me an information, being sure that it wouldn't change anything to my decision. I'm actually starting to wonder if she has not fallen for her, maybe even bedded with her.
My world is falling apart. I'm losing everything I have fought for, and the only thing sure I have right now are the shadows. I am failing her, failing to protect her, failing to keep her wanting to fight to live. I'm a failure.
If they all see... no it's only a matter of time now, once they all see what I have done, how I have used all of them to attain our goal, lied to them and used Alatriel.. I will be surely shun from every one, my family, my friends. I know they will not be able to understand the reasons, that I did it for her, by love. But in fact, I cannot blame them. I deserve what will come to me as much as Laura deserves her end of the deal. And I deserve worse than just being shun, that I am sure of.
If there is any God out there, anyone who even cares, may your fury be brought on Laura and end her before I lose the only one that keeps me bound to this world.
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Satari, Apreal 14, 1433
almost a year since I last wrote in this journal. Alatriel is gone, Laura is getting what she wanted, Jaelle, and I have been run for a fool. almost changed into a werewolf, and saw the soul mother for the eighth time.
Well Brian.. Njord.. Elyam, who ever I am. You've done it for yourself eh? ready to give your life for a woman, who.. seemingly has given her self to an other. Might as well just go through with it and jump down a in to the lava of the firesteep, quick but painful.
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Freas, Mai 20, 1433
Out of the blue, and when it seems one of or worst moment, she comes and propose that we try to live together. At the moment I was very happy, but it didn't take long for the doubts to settle in, and since then all that I had are doubts. Why did she ask, her, that I always imagined as never wanted to be tied down that way to anyone. Already the Oath was a something enormous, but now pushing further and living together??
I can't even say that we live together really, it's been two weeks now, and well half of the time she isn't even here. And the time that she is, half of that she looks like a caged bird, moody ready to explode and then she leaves at night to only come back in the morning, calmed and relaxed. I suspect she is going to "forget" with either ark or any one that passes by...
I was told that I have to learn to be patient and to trust. Maybe it's only a faze. But how can you trust someone that purposively keeps you shut out? That is there, but never there? how can you trust someone that doesn't even trust you back?
As the time go, I find that I am starting to close myself. I'm starting to spend more and more time away from home myself. Or when I am there, I myself seem to be silent. I am starting to feel numbed, disconnected. And to forget, I have found a new drink, no alcohol in it, but somehow it has the same effects. My poison is not awaken though. It's made out of honey water .
I don't know what I'm doing anymore... I'm trying to .. what am I trying? I don't even know that. I don't even know if I'm not used as a cover myself, in the same way Alatriel was our cover. And the more I think of it.. the more I think it's a possibility.
Well my Drink is gone.. time to go out again and make more.
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Satari, Seplar 28, 1433
Used, lied to, dominated, kept in the dark for a year, pushed away for a year, left in fear of her safety for a year. I now .. now that I know.., Know that both Hanna and Jaelle had befriended Laura, who was only trying to destroy the two urns, now that the worse is gone apparently, she disappears for almost two months now. But no, wait, she comes to my place and leaves things, but then a few days later, she comes back and takes all her things. Effectively leaving again. And all of that, while avoiding me.
On one side, Hanna tells me that Jaelle loves me, Jaelle told her apparently, and that I need to be patient and supportive, to love her and protect her. And on the other hand, Marcus tells me I should run as far away as possible. That Jaelle will be my death. Even trying to make his point with how many visit I had. And then, just like that, after almost two months of not seeing her, she's sitting candidly in hempstead talking to Caerwyn.
What in the nine hells is going on??? I decided to trust Hanna, and not follow the advice of Marcus. And I still don't even know what's going on.
If that's not enough, Hanna decided to turn herself in. Me and Elgon manage to go with her, but when they took her down in the basement, locking the door behind them with a lock I can not pick. I got worried and asked the Head cleric some questions. Completly ignoring me, I decide to put some pressure on him, and then like that, he tells me to go. Since I had his attention now, I asked him the questions again, and the next thing I remember is a bright light, blackness, then waking up outside of the temple. No try to persuade me, no try to diffuse the situation peacefully, He just attacked me. If this is how the high priest of Aeridin are, those who have to show the example even more, as it is written in the statue outside of their temple. Show by example with benevolent teaching and actions. He did nothing of this, which leaves me to believe, that they are even more corrupt that what people thinks.
I left North point disoriented.. I should have stayed. Now I don't know what happened to Hanna.
I don't know anything anymore...