The World of Layonara
The Layonara Community => Just for Fun => Topic started by: Pseudonym on May 18, 2007, 09:14:30 PM
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Inspired by a couple of recent threads on favourite books and authors, coupled with way too much time on my hands here at work, I have decided to create (yet) another Just for Fun thread .... this one entitled,
"Rules for writing a fantasy novel"
I'll get the ball rolling to give you the general idea!
#1. The grizzled ex-champion
There is always a grizzled ex-gladiator/champion who teaches our would-be hero how to fight. At first, the ex-champion (who had been demoted from his original position either due to having being defeated in melee by the main enemy or, more likely, by adhering to his iron code of honour even though it would inevitably lead to his banishment/firing) rubs our hero up the wrong way with his gruff manner and blunt manner of speech. Eventually the two become inseparable, the hero winning the implacable teacher's respect and admiration when he eventually disarms him during a training session.
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#2. The girl
There has to be a gorgeous blonde, possibly even the wife of the enemy but only because her father had sold her to pay off a wrongfully incurred debt to the evil overlord's regime. There will never be a mention of physical love (so as to not threaten our romantically-challenged reader, ie. me at age 16).
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#3. Ignore technological evolution
Fantasy worlds always have inexplicable gaps in their technology. There are always councils of venerable elven sages who are the guardians of the accumulated learning of thousands of years and yet have never got around to inventing anything that might actually help them against goblins, trolls and orcs - such as a machine gun, or a grenade. Also, the fantasy world should not have an understandable working economy. Very few people work, there is little agriculture and it is not clear where food comes from.
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#4. Kill almost everybody else along the way.
The Hero must achieve his goal, gain the power, discover the secret word or whatever is necessary to be victorious only at the last possible moment when all else seems lost. To do this it will be necessary to make him fall down and twist his ankle, have an identity crisis, become enchanted, etc, etc continually on his way to the final showdown. Most of his/her motley crew of companions must die in terrible pain and degradation before the Hero gets his act together. This is to keep the reader mad at the Big Boss Enemy (thought it is basically the hero's fault for being so slow and incompetent and wasting 12 hours in chapter 21 when he got dust in his eye.)
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#5. Create a wise but really, really useless guide.
The Guide is a wise adviser, probably a wizard, who knows all about their Quest, but never will fully reveal it. He also appears to have immense powers but will not use them when they are most required. Ideally, this guide should be a male age approximately 60-70 with a long beard.
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(Looked like you might of neglected this one, I actually tend to put it at #2)
#6 The Villain must be stupider than dirt.
It is well noted that heroes have on average less intelligence then a twelve year old. However one must not forget in order for the hero to attain any victory the villain must be even less clever than the hero. Please be certain to ignore all plausible back-story indicating that the villain is a careful, clever individual that has taken excessive steps to insure their world domination continues.
The cunning general whom managed to conquer the world, through treachery and his ability to lead armies. Will inevitably do something entirely suicidal decimating his forces and allowing his own life to be endangered by the small group. Where upon he will arrogantly fight alone the hero instead of calling for his guards. This allows the hero some small margin of hope that his opponents sword will break. Or a veteran of scores of battles will forget how to fight.
The wicked advisor whom managed to ensnare the royalty turning it into puppets with his dark magic. Despite all reputation for ruthlessness and caution will stop to have a monologue instead of obliterating the hero. This will allow the heroes friends (including the princess disposed when the royal family was slaughtered) to come to the rescue and insure victory.
The near omniscient demi-god of darkness will neglect to hear at any point in its existence from any source, the other half of the legend involving itself. The one told in every inn and tavern throughout the story. So after attaining control of the entire world in its age of darkness, it will neglect to have its minions capture the one item used to destroy it before beginning its dark reign of terror. In the instance it is an item to be destroyed in a certain place, they will neglect to simply destroy the place or make it entirely inaccessible. Instead this place is to be ignored and populated with only a few dangerous sounding monsters easily thwarted by individuals perhaps less cunning then the common dog.
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#1. The grizzled ex-champion
There is always a grizzled ex-gladiator/champion who teaches our would-be hero how to fight. At first, the ex-champion (who had been demoted from his original position either due to having being defeated in melee by the main enemy or, more likely, by adhering to his iron code of honour even though it would inevitably lead to his banishment/firing) rubs our hero up the wrong way with his gruff manner and blunt manner of speech. Eventually the two become inseparable, the hero winning the implacable teacher's respect and admiration when he eventually disarms him during a training session.
Extra points if the champion dies of a) poisen, but slowly so he can give a parting secret to the Hero or b) dies while holding off the main villian.
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Since these seem to be more like bad fantasy stereotypes... :P
There must be a liberal spreading of 'terrifying' and usually unimaginative names such as the Fields of Terror, the Crypt of the Dead (even if it is redundant), Lake of Doom, Volcano of Fire, River of Blood, Pass of Death, all while fighting the Forces of Darkness to the point where you start yawning and asking if anyone really get a chill when they are told by Grimmskull Shadowreaver to hang a left on Abyssal Avenue, past the Dark Fields of Death, until you see Massacre Manor...
A good rule of thumb is to simply pick a few fear-inspiring nouns and add them behind your geographical points of interest and the word 'of'. Death, doom, fire, terror, darkness, demise, blood, the dead, nightmares, madness, insanity, and massacres all work nicely.
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*nods*
Right you are Ozy.
Every fantasy land must have a dreaded Dark Enemy, an almost omnipotent archvillain who is trying to utterly destroy the world. It is not clear how the archvillain benefits from this or where s/he will reside after it is destroyed but nevertheless, total annihalation is their goal. This villain always has access to vast armies which require no food, payment or other provisioning. For all his immense power and evil, the Enemy must be completely dependent on some insignificant object such as a ring or a bland piece of semi-precious stone for his power .. or his downfall. Spot on.
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*nods again*
Scary names Acacea *shivers*
All fantasy lands have every conceivable form of climate and landform - as you say, the mountains of death, deserts of doom, swamps of super-scary stuff, glaciers of gore, forests of fear, meadows of malice - arranged randomly across the landscape contrary to any recognised principles of geography. Similarly, fauna should be encountered in ratios that completely ignore the concept of an ecological pyramid. ie. Carnivorous, rabid beasts are, by far, more likely to be found rather then some kind of herd herbivore.
Also, all fantasy worlds are roughly square. i.e. the shape of the double page of a paperback.
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To take Acacea's one step further - any place that's really important won't have a proper name at all. It will be something like "The Lands that Know No Name", which contain "The Artifact of Unknown Power".
To add to the list itself:
The Villain Progression
As in D&D, as in any RPG, so too do Fantasy books roll. When the protagonist is just getting going, when the main evil bad guy hears about the brave thief with a heart of gold/wizard's apprentice/farmhand turned warrior's quest to destroy him/her, they will dispatch a team of tough but not impossible-to-beat underlings to deal with this nuisance. In the process of killing said underlings, our hero gains valuable combat experience, possibly some knowledge, and even some valuables (gold, weapons, keys, sigils, etc.) As the hero increases in strength, the main evil bad guy throws more and more elite henchmen against him, always careful to match him in strength. When the hero bursts into the villain's evil lair/pocket dimension/vast castle, the final battle is almost a foregone conclusion, since he's been training his way though the best of Evil Bad Guy's troops by this point. At no point, early in the hero's training, does the villain step out to face him or her directly and kill them instantly, despite how easy this would be for them.
Corollary: If the villain breaks with tradition and goes to beat the hero personally, he'll leave him scarred, crippled, or just beaten to a pulp - he won't kill them. Instead, he'll leave them in that state, with the message "this is what happens to people who mess with me!"
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Note that the villain is really just power leveling the newbie hero. Cheaters.
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Don't forget, the villain and the hero must fight/meet several times before the climax. At those encounters, the hero should be completely outclassed, beaten and left for dead.
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The Hero MUST be the best looking character in the entire novel, and if he is ugly that will be fixed later down the road. The Villian needs to be hidiously scarred, or missing various limbs in the very least, in order to assure that even though he rules the world, he is in no way as cool as our Hero.
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The Hero MUST be the best looking character in the entire novel, and if he is ugly that will be fixed later down the road. The Villian needs to be hidiously scarred, or missing various limbs in the very least, in order to assure that even though he rules the world, he is in no way as cool as our Hero.
Quite correct. An ugly body surely houses an ugly soul, yes? Never depart from body image stereotypes - the villain should be ugly (preferably scarred), the rogues must always be thin and wiry and ready with a handy one-liner or quip, the big bear-like fighter invariably dopey.
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The Prophecy:
Never should this important plot device be neglected. In every story/novel etc. There must be a coresponding prophecy , that inevidably chooses said young hero, pulling him away from the life he knows and loves, thereby throwing him into the unknown abyss of the story and/or announcing the ultimate doom and destruction of him and the entire world in the process .
The prophecy must be cryptic, and illegible by everyone around the hero or heroes (save possibly the "Useless Guide"), until the climax or whenever the prophecy unfolds. In which case, the prophecy then must be so obvious that all characters along the way almost literally slap their heads against each other for not getting it sooner.
The prophecy must always be given either by an old crone or witch, or a young child or woman whom is oblivious to the powers that allow her to give said prophecy.
Once again, the heroes must never know what the prophecy entails until the climax or conclusion of the story. It should be noted that if the prophecy is less than illegible and foolish, that the heroes should and will therefore try to counter the prophecy from happening, resulting in, of course, it happening because of their efforts.
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A Quick Author's Note:
The following Stratagy/sentence should be kept in mind through the entire novel writing process to result in a good story readers will love.
"How can I make my characters suffer next?"
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The hero must also be, well, a hero. When the villain offers him immortality, power, money, hot babes, incredible magical powers, a seriously boss pension plan, and special villain insurance with no co-pay, the hero must always refuse. What I WOULD NOT GIVE for just one author to have the stones to say, "and the hero said, 'That sounds pretty darn good! Sign me up!'"
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Ah but then Honora would he be the hero any longer? Which gets us to our next concept.
The Betrayer:
The one that does take the goodies the villain is offering. In every story there must be one of these. Preferably this person is someone that the other hero, trusted. Double points if its a family member and quadruple points if the character only finds out its a family member after being betrayed.
This must also happen at a pivotal point of the story, usually where things are looking good and a victory seems to be in sight.
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Of course he would not be the "hero" any more, but that would also be the end of the book :). Just once...
No work of high fantasy would be complete without the seductress. Sexier than "the girl" but with the loose morals and diva-like behavior that lowers her CHA, she is the biggest challenge to the hero. She thinks she's helping the villain, but is merely being used by him to distract or kill the hero. Expect her to die in the end either a) by the villain's hands when he's through with her, or b) in an act of self-sacrifice when she realizes she really loves the hero but he really loves the girl and she doesn't deserve him anyway.
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And never forget..
The Comic Relief
Whether it's a tuneless bard, a down-at-the-heels jester, an inept wizard's apprentice, a thief who's never done anything without being caught, or a would-be champion who's too pathetic for anyone to actually tell him so, the hero needs a companion who's mainly there for the laughs. He'll be the one to suggest running/get beat up by the wimpiest opponent/stumble over a garbage can when trying to be stealthy. He will also, at the key moment, show that even if he's a bit tarnished, he's got a will of iron and a soul of gold, and will refuse to talk/sacrifice himself/show that he's a champion, after all, when the hero really needs him. And then the hero will save the day, of course. He's still just the comic relief.
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The prophecy must be cryptic, and illegible by everyone around the hero or heroes (save possibly the "Useless Guide").
Ha! Yes, almost forgot the useless guide who always possesses awesome powers ... yet for some inexplicable reason, never fully utilises them.
"Agipanthalus, smite him with your all-powerful magicks!"
"Nay, to do so would mean Ur'kkk'hark''aa has truly won ... let us use mundane trickery and guile to defeat even the lowliest of his kobold minions."
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Do not forget the usless relative who makes one joke and can not do anything else and just gets in the way!
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(I love this thread)
Politics. There should be a severe lack of politics, societal organization, or functioning governments. If any "wise elven councils" are present, they have little or nothing to do with the other 98% of the population - ie, they sit there and be wise. No real administration is involved. In fact, the Villain seems to be the only one with any idea of how to rule - hey, maybe that's how he/she got to take over most of the world in the first place? Too bad he's got mindless brutes under his command though, that sort of puts a wrench in the gears.
Roads. You gotta love this. There's always this big road that connects yon "Swamp of Stench" to yon "Pass of Drudgery" to yon "Village of Deformed Curse-Victims" in a nice little pathway, usually leading right to the Villain's lair. And, whether on foot or on horseback, it never takes very long to travel between these aforementioned locales. It's pretty much a copy of the Super Mario in-between-levels layout, is what it is. Except with less forks in the road. Boy, I wish it were like that in real life.
Severe Underpopulation. Basically already covered in the excellent points about no viable economy being present, but well, it's true. You've got your hero, and his/her family. Then you've got your hero's pals, who basically have no family or no prior association to anyone on the planet whatsoever (except for, perhaps, with the Villain?); wise elders, a useless guide, an old crone residing in isolation in one of the locales joined by yon big road, a prince, a chancellor, and a handful of peasants. Versus the Villain's slavering hoardes of a thousand-fold deformities. Thank the gods he doesn't know about that Prophecy/Ancient Sword/Secret trick.
Religion. Reli-what? I don't have time to make this up! Spiritual beliefs be damned, who has them, anyways? No one in this world, that's for sure! (Which is why I like D&D, deities manual, anyone?)
Unbreakable Will-power. Our characters CANNOT succumb to mental anguish, no matter HOW gory, gruesome, torturous, confusing, manipulative, or hopeless things get. They can watch their mothers be melted, their lovers be violated, be stuck in a cube-like mind-prison created by yon Villain, stretched on the stretching-rack for weeks, utterly humiliated, despoiled, deflowered, lied to and betrayed by the very one they held dearest - and yet they WILL NOT have a breakdown, develop paranoia, anxiety attacks, depression, bipolar disorder, mania, crippling insomnia, or any other logical reaction to all the psychological trauma. In fact, the only possible mental issue at hand is amnesia. Someone's gotta have amnesia. ;)
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Plot:
Plot is unnecessary for a fantasy epic. Of course, in normal novels, character actions and decisions move the plot, but in the fantasy epic, it's the other way around. There is just some thinly veiled excuse for journey away from the place where the young hero has spent his entire life. These can be things like Obtaining the Talisman of Power, Consulting with the Prophet, or even simply, Going to the Villain's Lair. Since we now have something that forces the characters to go from point A to point B, we can be lazy and not develop any other plot points that really moves the book along.
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Yes, because you see, there's the BIG ROAD. The BIG ROAD will tell us where to go! What, High Skull-Bone Creek? Well, that's what the map says! Next stop!
You see, they can either go forward, or back, and since they've already been back (and there's nothing beyond the place "where the hero has spent his entire life," just the road leading out), well, where else can they go?
Super Mario-plot! :D
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Although to be fair, characters can choose between the Big Road, where they will be expected, and Through the Mountains, where they may avoid the bad guys, but either one takes them to that glorious point B.
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Ah yes, quite true, quite true.
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Eating
Unless our novel contains Halflings / Hobbits, under no circumstances can the hero be seen taking time to eat... Drinking contests are ok, after all the hero must be seen to be able to hold his drink like a man (even if she is, err a woman)
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The Villians stronghold is always dark and foreboding, eternally surrounded by dark clouds and storms. More often than not it is located on some pinnacle or at least set in the mountains where a single dusty, rock and skull strewn road leads upto a large black gate.
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Addendum to the "eating" rule: Biological functions don't happen to anyone, hero or villain. Sleeping is reserved for when the hero has been beaten, beaten, and beaten again and is barely on his feet; it will be interrupted before a full eight hours, but he's allowed enough to be plausibly functional. He will get one good night's sleep AFTER defeating the villain. Bathing is also ignored unless the bather is an elven woman under a waterfall.
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The Villians stronghold is always dark and foreboding, eternally surrounded by dark clouds and storms. More often than not it is located on some pinnacle or at least set in the mountains where a single dusty, rock and skull strewn road leads upto a large black gate.
Right. Despite it being the seat of the Dread Dark Lord's power, the hero will always eventually penetrate the stronghold. This is never particularly hard to do. Stronghold sentries are never alert and heroes can always approach to within 12 feet of the most heavily guarded installation without being detected. Even the most heavily fortified stronghold always has small unguarded side door where the garbage gets thrown out. Once inside the Enemy's Castle there is only a light smattering of people walking casually about. The hero will be able to penetrate right into the Enemy's inner sanctum without being detected ... where good old fashion sword fighting will then ensue.
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Of course he would not be the "hero" any more, but that would also be the end of the book :). Just once...
No work of high fantasy would be complete without the seductress. Sexier than "the girl" but with the loose morals and diva-like behavior that lowers her CHA, she is the biggest challenge to the hero. She thinks she's helping the villain, but is merely being used by him to distract or kill the hero. Expect her to die in the end either a) by the villain's hands when he's through with her, or b) in an act of self-sacrifice when she realizes she really loves the hero but he really loves the girl and she doesn't deserve him anyway.
Excellent!
I had almost forgotten about the seductress! The very beautiful, extemely deadly and for some strange reason (considering she lives in a world of mad bands of nomads who take pride in their raping and pillaging) scantily clad vixen.
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The hero must have a motley munch of companions drawn from different near-human species e.g. dwarf, elf, halfling etc. Each of these companions will have one particular skill such as sword fighting, archery, doing pee pee while standing on his head, etc which will inevitably come in handy at a crucial part of the story. To make up character names, just run some nonsense syllables together until it looks like a foreign language. If they are unpronounceable they will be seem to be even more authentic. Apostrophes add an exotic feel.
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Capture
At some point in the story, our Hero and companions must be captured by the arch enemy. Of course the evil villain will now scheme to find some indescribably awful manner to put them to death, rather than just simply killing them straight away... during which time, thanks to the inevitable incompetence of the guards, our heroic band escapes.
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Hehehehe...This is great...and all of this satire reminds me of why I love Terry Pratchett.
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Timing
The hero (or heroes) will always arrive in the nick of time, even if this necessitates their being born at a crucial time. If the villain's plan requires that the thousand-year-run Hourglass of Eternity empty, the hero will arrive with five minutes of sand left in the top bulb.
If (gods help him) our hero is involved in some manner of modern-world fantasy, where there are technomancers available, the digital readout on the bomb/doomsday device/world hypnotism ray will have a single second remaining on the clock when it is disarmed/disabled/rendered impotent.
By corollary, whatever unlikely sequence of events is required for the Villain's plan to come to fruition, it will. Planets will align, moons will turn blood red, it'll all come together - just so the hero can take it apart. Small wonder that villains always seem so peeved.
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Sidequests
Each of the hero's motley band of companions has one (and only one) unresolved issue in their lives, and by amazing coincidence, the path from point A to point B that the hero takes gives each of those companions a unique opportunity to deal with that one issue. The hero always goes along with this, despite the fact that it is slowing down the quest to defeat the BBEG.
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Names Equal Power
Any named character, no matter how insignificant they seem, has some direct impact on the plot. Everyone else is referred to by simple description (barkeep, commoner, farmer, etc.) and can be safely ignored.
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Weapons:
The elf archer has unlimited ammunition.
The dwarf has twenty plus throwing axes. And can still sprint. For hundreds of miles. Without sleep. In a day. After all, he is a dwarf.
If the gnomish character has a gun or some other futuristic projectile weapon, he'll be able to find ammuntion at any town, even if it is the only weapon of its kind.
The close ranged weapons never wear down, unless its plot related. You can beat 100 armored orcs to death with a wooden stick, and it won't break till the hero tosses it aside. Also, steel/iron weapons never rust.
If the hero's weapon DOES break, it is plot related. If it is a normal sword, he gets a new magic one. If it is his magic sword, it breaks while he's fighting the Villian, and he kills him with the hilt.
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*feels proud, watches his thread all grown up*
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I cant believe you guys forgot this one.
The Tavern!
The place the story begins, the place that is frequented most.
Also every tavern must have some drunk whom wishes to start somthing which usually ends up in a bar fight.
Every tavern must have the dark ominous charcter in the corner, shrouded in shadow whom secretly peers from under the cowl of his hood.
Also every tavers has a well endowed barmaid, whom i might add wears scant clothing always seeming to carry large empty pints and flashing serious cleavage.
Also every tavern serves stew!
Polak76
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Also every tavern serves stew!
That, at least, is realistic -- a little bit of "good stuff" goes a long way, and you can pretty much always have something hot and ready to serve still in the pot. For a "traveler's rest" tavern, this makes a lot of sense, as folks will tend to come and go at different times -- especially for a mid-day meal.
A "boarding house" type of tavern would be more likely to have set meal times and more complex meals.
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the artifact
There is always some sort of artifact or talisman: the sword, the ring, the magical knapsack of power and truth, etc. Mysteriously, the villain's weakness just happens to correspond to some artifact that is known by the guide (this is the one thing that makes the guide not so useless), often a repeating history motif is employed to explain this. eg. the sword was made to defeat the villain the first time, but he has come back, and for some reason it would be too much work to try and make such a weapon again, the smith died or something, , so we have to have to go find the original.
Either the artifact must be found, or the heroes possess it and must do something interesting with it: use it to kill the villain, destroy it, reforge it, put tab A in slot B etc.
If the artifact is the object of searching, it is never located in a museum, nor some rich nobleman's collection of weapons, or any place that one would normally find ancient stuff. Instead, it is guarded by fearsome beasts, treacherous traps, magic spells, and riddles. Never does it require the hero to pick up a shovel and dig through ruins, grid off a dig site and systematically search for the thing.
If our artifact is in the "do something with" category, the doing something requires finding a person or location or another artifact; the character never lives close to someplace where the doing something can be accomplished.(see note on plot above).
(Joe Campbell would love this thread)