The World of Layonara
Character Development => Development Journals and Discussion => Topic started by: Alatriel on March 24, 2008, 09:37:19 AM
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I met an elf. His name is Aerimor. We traveled around a bit. He doesn't talk much, but I much prefer that anyway. Later on we met his brother Verideth. I didn't know that when I met the first one I'd be in for twins. It can definitely be confusing. Their personalities are very different, but I have a very hard time telling them apart most times. They both seem to be fairly competent, and they seem to appreciate my skills as an archer. I wouldn't mind going adventuring with them again sometime.
We did run into some trouble at one point that ended up fortunate, but confusing. Aerimor died, and I was being chased, I think Verideth was also close to death, and then out of nowhere a half-orc came and pretty much saved both of us... WHY? It seemed so out of character for a half-orc to help anyone, let alone a couple of elves. I thanked him, but I wasn't sure if he maybe saved us from one evil only for us to be exposed to another, so I ran off to see if Verideth was ok. He seemed to be fine, and soon Aerimor was back with us again.
Druids certainly are different. It seems either they have animals with them or they ARE animals. I think if I am going to spend any real time with these two, I'll have to learn to speak animal. I'm not too worried about it at this time, but it is definitely something to look into.
Oh yeah, and I still don't understand why some humans are just plain rude and pompous and have the NERVE to think they are better than elves. When I see another of my race who is willing to stand by a human who has the gaul to call one of my elven companions unintelligent I don't know... I mean, my adopted father was only half-elf, but even he cursed his human heritage and the father that abandoned him and his mother. Oh well...it doesn't really matter in the long run.
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I seem to have found a very decent companion, and possibly a friend in Aerimor. I enjoy his company, and we seem to be able to watch each other's backs well as we travel around. I never thought it would happen, but I've even started picking cotton, even if it is simply to expedite his constant picking of various different plants. I swear Druids are strange... even though he tells me it's not a druid thing. Even still, his companionship has been rewarding and even comforting. I no longer have to travel alone after so many years of solitude it is nice to have company. His brother isn't bad either, and is also an easy companion, however, I have learned that it's not generally in our best interest to follow him into any caves whatsoever. If we do, someone is sure to fall- generally him, but this last time I was at least fortunate enough to have Aerimor save my life before it was too late. My skills as an archer are improving, but even more I am finding out more and more that my ability to slink behind our enemies is becoming very beneficial to us all. Unfortunately even if they do not notice me at first, I have a difficult time hiding from them once our party is engaged in combat. I still find that I am able to be more effective once one of the boys or their, I guess pets?, draws their attention away, but I wish there was a way for me to be able to regain the concealment and protection of the shadows once the battles have started without having to leave my party without my aid. I know almost nothing at all of magick, but I wonder if there is a way to become trully invisible, or maybe something close to it... Maybe someone has a magick ring, or cloak, or something else that would do that...
Aerimor also was generous enough to provide me with a much better bow. He said it was an investment to our group, but I do appreciate his thoughtfulness. It has a stronger pull, and is made from a more durable and sturdier wood than my previous one, so I have high hopes for its use.
We had the aid of another traveller, I think named Caerwyn. He spoke the elvish tongue, and paid us great respect in doing so. He was a competent fighter, and his help was appreciated, though I do not believe that he will be constant addition to our group, more just an acquaintance that is beneficial. He had a human with him that was rude to our party as a whole, but apparently he seems to like me more than I liked him. He spoke the language of the theives, but he seems to have a problem with elves. I think he paid me a complement when he said I was unlike other elves. I don't know what he meant by it, but if he meant that I was like him, it was more of an insult. Even still, he showed up later and healed me when I was in need, so apparently his first impression of me was better than my first impression of him. Again, he showed distain and dislike of my race, though, so he will not be someone I will be seeking companionship from, regardless of his healing abilities.
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The next time we go adventuring it is my turn to decide where we go. I swear, males are stubborn and crazy. They are determined to get us killed, and this time, it was me... only me, but at least no permanent damage was done. Once again, the incident could have been avoided if there had been some way for me to disappear. It's just hard to stay hidden past the first shot, and I feel like there is no way to recover my concealment unless my foe is distracted. With all that has been going on lately, I wasn't able to ask around about some form of magic item to help me in this goal, but perhaps tomorrow will provide some more opportunity.
I don't think they believed me when I said I would not go back into a cave for a month if I fell, well, they went back in, and seemed shocked when I chose to wait outside. Oh well. I wouldn't mind exploring the mountains where the giants were again. It was interesting and we didn't get very far into it before Verideth decided he needed to turn around due to a heavy load in his pack, but I would like to venture that way again.
We did have some help when we went into the caves this time. At first there was a priestess, and then when I returned after my death to pray at my grave, there was a fighter there... or was she a mage? Maybe both? Either way, she was very helpful to our small band, and her aid was well appreciated. Even if the crazy Lightbringer twins decided to go back on their own again. Luckily no one seemed to be gravely hurt when they came back out.
I continue my close companionship with Aerimor, which I had thought up to this point was strictly platonic. I still think it probably is, though he offered me a rose, but no explanation as to why. I don't know how I feel about the possibility of something more with him. I've been traveling with him for some time now, but his actions up till now had never shown much more than a friendly consideration, though he is very protective. I always thought it seemed more older-brotherly than anything else. He is different from anyone I've ever known before, and his demeanor seems to change as often as the weather. I wonder sometimes if he has picked the correct calling, but then I've not met many druids. His brother Verideth, also being a druid, well, if you met the two of them together, you wouldn't know what a druid was in my opinion.
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I've spent more time with Caerwyn as of late. He is a half elf ranger, and reminds me so much of Camthalion, my father. His presence is comforting, even if it does seem to have a negative effect on my grace whilst climbing. Even still, it is a worthwhile trade. He and a friend of his, and elf named Fianon Brittlebow, brought me up to see the gnoll watchtower, and the view is trully spectacular. We went again last night while I was travelling with Aerimor, but I was able to sit and talk with Caerwyn for a while. I would like to find out more about him, as he is still mostly a stranger to me. He makes me homesick for my father, but it is a bittersweet pain.
We decided to go back into the Redlight Caverns after we caught back up with Verideth. Yes, I went back into a cave with Verideth. I gave both Aerimor and Verideth a clover I found and told them it was for luck when going underground. Aerimor had laughed when I presented it to him and told me that it "must be strong magic indeed if it could save him from Verideth." Verideth only smiled when I gave it to him. It may have only been a small trinket, but it seems to have worked, as we were lucky enough to have Caerwyn and Finanon with us when we went back in, and no one was seriously injured while Verideth was able to do his chiseling of rocks.
We all then sat by a fire and chatted until we were to sleepy to speak anymore, and it trully was a wonderful gathering of companions.
The best part about the day though would definitely be the new information I found. I've been traveling around going to magic shops and even to Spellgard up near the mage school to see if I could find someone who would know of a magic ring or cloak to keep me hidden or even invisible or something during combat, but to no avail. Then in casual conversation yesterday while Caerwyn, Fianon, and I were waiting on Aerimor, a man named Earl suggested something called Shadow Dancing? I didn't know what he was talking about, but he said that he knew a man, who we determined his name to be Brian we think, who could hide even in the smallest shadows. Fianon told me later that it was a skill that one could learn. Now I just need to find this Brian. I thought it would be something I would have to buy, some form of magic. This seems even better!
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I had another meeting with Caerwyn today. We sat by the lake and talked for a long time. He told me of his father, who he had searched for, but could not find. Perhaps he will be able to find him again some day. I felt compelled to tell him of my own past, which I have not told another soul since my foster father died. I feel slightly vulnerable about revealing something so personal and I hope it won't come back to haunt me later, but there's just something about him that makes me feel I can trust him.
While we were sitting there, a human named Timulty Keel came up with a rather abnoxious and hard to understand gnome. The gnome said he was in trouble but what trouble that was he would not say. He wanted us to accompany him to Hlint, so since we had talked about going that direction anyway, we decided to comply. As we headed into the Hallowlight forest, the gnome apparently didn't follow. Aerimor decided to head on towards Hlint, since that was where we were headed anyway, and we waited and waited for the gnome, but he never showed. Timulty went back to find him, but Caerwyn and I decided to continue on to Hlint and figured the other two would be right behind us. Stupid gnomes. We got to Hlint and Timulty still hadn't caught up to us, so the three of us headed back and found Timulty and the dead gnome in Ft Llast. Timulty went in to the temple of Toran, and there, instead of helping the stupid gnome, the damned cleric just kept asking over and over and over what happened, even though he had been told multiple times. Gods humans are stupid sometimes. Of course Timulty hadn't gotten it through his human skull that the idiot was not willing to help, but Aerimor gave up, and I with him, and we decided to wait outside rather than having our patience tested as we were accused for leaving the damned gnome behind. In my opinion it was the gnome's own stupid fault. Apparently he had been attacked by some men in black robes and killed, and Timulty killed 2 out of three of them, but the other one was too powerful
We found that out later....
As we left Ft Llast on the way to castle Black...I can never remember the name of that castle... there was a man in a black robe standing in the road. Timulty immediatly started to attack, which I was unprepared for, and then everything else was somewhat of a blur... the man in black started killing each one of my companions in turn, and turned on me, but I ran as fast as I could, bleeding heavily from my wounds, and entered the shelter of the castle. Luckily I was not followed. I rested as soon as I thought I was safe to regain some of my strength, but still had many wounds to tend to. I knew the rest of my party was dead, but I wasn't sure if the man in the robe was still outside, possibly waiting for me to exit to finish the annihilation of our group. What I did to him, I'll never know, but it doesn't matter now.
I climbed to the top of the castle to peer out and see if anyone had survived, or had regrouped, or whatever.... When I thought it was safe I ventured back out to regain my party. Aerimor and Timulty had reclaimed their graves, but Caerwyn had yet to do so. We all were confused at the events, but seeing as the threat had seemed to pass, we all ventured back to Hlint after Caerwyn stopped to pray at his grave. We all parted ways there. Aerimor and I were approached by Galathea something-or-other, and she asked us a bunch of questions about the man in the black robe, but we had no answers no matter how many times she tried to get them out of us. Unfortunately, the events transpired so quickly that it was all we could do to remember any of it at all. I was lucky to get out with my life.
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I decided to ask Sil'via about this man, Brian, since she is part of this Angel's guild or whatever, and she seems to know everyone... She's constantly introducing me to new people. She told me that he was a friend of her sister's, so hopefully we can arrange some way for me to meet him and see if this Shadowdancing thing is what I was looking for. Tritherion... I think that's his name, said something about them being able to hide in plain sight. Now wouldn't that be something! I'm anxious to find out. It may not be what I'm looking for. What I'm looking for may not even be possible, but I'm certainly willing to find out.
Apparently I chastised Caerwyn too much for dying 3 times in just a short time, and he was afraid I would be disappointed in him forever. Perhaps I need to work on my teasing so that people know when I am joking. After about 20 years or so... gods, has it been that long?... I guess I need to work on my people skills. Either that or his human side has gotten him too self-conscious. He's been acting strangely lately, and continuously using my name, or calling me sweet....which is odd, and it definitely does not remind me of my foster father, which is a shame. He is such a good battle companion, and I hope he has not gotten the wrong idea. I am not looking for romance. I'm not sure what I would even look for if I was, but I just can't see myself with a half-elf. As much as I loved my foster-father, and I have no problems with half-elves at all, I would not burden my own children with the curse of age, so that I would once again have to lose someone I loved to the slow, but still all-too-quick, degeneration of the flesh and mind. He has the potential to be a good friend and worthy companion, but hopefully that is all it will ever amount to.
We managed to get a very good group together (Verideth was not present ironically) and ventured back into the Red Light Caverns. This time no one was killed, no one was seriously damaged, and we were able to retrieve the head of the king so that I could present it to the short fellow in Wayfare. He paid me a sizeable reward for it, though, so it was definitely worth the time.
Aerimor has been spending more and more time in the form of some sort of animal, usually a panther, but sometimes as a badger or a bear. I've been teasing him by calling him kitty, but he doesn't seem to mind too much. I must look like a druid myself sometimes with Aerimor as a panther or whatever, and Verideth as a bear, both running on either side of me. Interesting thought that, but definitely not the calling for me. Perhaps someday all people will see will be the bear and the panther, and I will be able to fool their eyes completely...
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I've been spending more and more time in the Whitehorn Forest. I love the peace and solitude of the trees, and I find the shadows and quiet there peaceful. I am generally unnoticed as I explore, except for the occaisional gryphon. Even still, it is a place where I feel more myself, away from the crowded and vile-smelling cities, and the loud and often extremely talkative populous.
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I find myself growing weary of social engagements and conversations that say nothing and mean nothing. I find myself being more and more drawn to the solitude of the shadows. Other than Aerimor, who spends most of his time as some animal and usually does not talk with little importance, and Verideth, who varies between being quite pleasant, to an annoyance, to downright dangerous to himself and others, I have had to limit my interactions with the others around to specific tasks and business. I do not understand nor care to follow these silly rules of their society that means that I must, in their eyes, stop whatever it is that I'm doing to say hello or goodbye to every passerby whether I know them or not. Some of these others, including Caerwyn, insist on calling everyone "friend" when they do not even yet know the person's name or intentions. I am not so frivolous with my friendships. I'm just glad that I can slip away unnoticed most of the time nowadays. I find that I can travel quite comfortably in the and by the lakes by myself, but I tend to have to slip as silently as possible through the cities or towns to avoid being drawn into an unwanted long conversation. I seem to be getting decently good at it since people have been either not seeing me or even at times running into me as they pass by in their haste.
The alliances are useful when going down into the caves or fighting undead abominations, or other enemies or evil creatures, and even when looking for new weaponry or other such necessities.... but they are far to verbose for my liking. I miss the silent understanding that I had with my father, where we didn't have to speak to know what the other needed or desired.
Aerimor has started to teach me the language, and I must admit it will take me some time to sort out all the different squeaks and squawks and chitters and growls and clicks and whatnot in order to understand. There are just so many different noises. He is being patient, as I have also started to teach him the sign language of theives. I've had to explain to him that some signs look similar but could mean different things due to context and and environment, and even just the slightest difference of facial expression or direction, or hand positions. He seems to be quite interested though, so at least it is a trade. He'll teach me some, and I'll teach him in return.
I still have not met anyone who has any new information on this shadow dancing thing, but Tritherion says that he is friends with Bumblebee the brownie, and that he'll take me to meet him. Now i just have to find Tritherion again and set up the time to go. Like I said before, sometimes alliances are useful. Let's hope this one pans out.
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I found Brian... or rather he found me. I was filling up my canteens in Port Hempstead and he just appeared out of nowhere. We were able to talk for a while, and he told me of what I would have to do to start down the path to become a shadowdancer. He said that shadows can be living things, and that to become part of them or one with them I have to be willing to lock away the innermost part of myself, all my emotions, and to the rest of the world be as cold and impassive as stone. I don't think I have a problem with trying to do this. I don't have many constant companions except for Aerimor these days, and even with him, things have never been more than a casual friendship. He tends to be as distant as I can be most of the time, so I don't think there will be a problem there. The fear and the hatred I am more than willing to part with. Compassion, I will have to struggle with I feel, but I'm sure that in time, I will be able to acheive it. I don't know how long the road is, but I have plenty of time ahead of me. He spoke of being able to love, and then with that one person, I would be able to bring out my emotions and true self to show only that one person. I'm not sure if I'll ever find one person like that, but I suppose I am open to the idea. He said I would need to find one thing that would tie me to this world and would cause me to return from the shadows lest I lose myself to them forever... I will have to think on that. I'm not sure what that one thing or person would be at this point.
He said he would watch my progress even though I may not see him or hear him, but he said he would be discreet... hopefully he was truthful in this. I will not be able to find him, but he said he will find me, or that I should leave word with friends again. I am definitely interested in this shadowdancing. Hopefully this human will prove a good teacher.
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It's an interesting thing trying to force away all emotion... I'm not sure if it's because I am trying to push it aside, or I don't know... things are just strange. I feel empty. I suppose that's the idea, but I guess it'll just take time. I know I still have these emotions, they're normal, but instead of my usual emotions, instead I have been feeling anger, annoyance, irritation, and sadness. Apparently I've succeeded in locking away the good ones, now I just have to get rid of the rest of them.
A dragon attacked Wayfare. All the children were killed. I felt as if my heart were ripped out, but was unable to do much about it. The only thing I could allow myself to do was to help take a small girl to the nearest temple to be raised. Oh... and to tell Aerimor to shut up when he was talking about using them as fertilizer. Ok, so maybe I let my emotions get the better of me a little there...
The other two women with me were wiping their eyes and faces from tears, and I just felt empty. Like I should've been feeling something more, but couldn't. Or couldn't allow myself. I'm not sure now. A couple days later I found myself compelled to go back to wayfare and watch the children playing. They were just so full of life. Quite the opposite of how I feel.
My only peace now seems to be in meditation or, strangely enough, in battle. It's almost as if when I'm in battle nothing else matters but survival, so I don't have to worry about any stupid kinds of inner struggles, just focus on the outer one.
I don't think I have a tie to this world. The call of the shadows seems even more peaceful and welcome than dealing with the callousness and pettiness of the beings in this one.
Brian showed up again while I was with Aerimor and Verideth, traveling into the mountains. He acted his part of teacher, trying to coach me on how to fight, and displaying the impressive power of being able to disappear from sight and surprise the enemies. Perhaps some day I will be able to do that. Then again, he is only human, so it is possible I could surpass him some day. Either way, I envy his ability, and am eager to learn. The lonliness here couldn't possibly be worse in a shadow plane.
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*a few tears stain the page and the handwriting, in elvish, is much less composed*
How in the world am I supposed to have closure on something that as far as anyone knows is a complete dead end? I don't even know the last time I ever even saw another wild elf, and even if I did now that doesn't mean they would be in any way connected to my tribe. Just having a few images left to me in my mind is nothing to go on. And this stupid tatoo doesn't help much either. For all I know it means absolutely nothing. Just another damned dead end.
I have no idea why they left me there, or if they are alive, or all dead, or if I am the only one left, or if there even is any semblance of a tribe left to look for.
If I could've just grown up soon enough that I could've gotten Cam to tell me, or if he would've just TRUSTED me with the knowledge before he died. This whole "past is past" thing is stupid. I keep trying to tell myself that it's true over and over, and I hate having bad memories of him, but he left me with so many unanswered questions, and so much, I don't know....
I hate the fact that I don't even know what my "family" name is. For all I know I could have brothers or sisters out there, and I would never know it. Hell, I don't even know if I ever had a family name. Maybe my people don't do that. And I don't know if my family named me, or if Cam did.
GODS! I am so angry now!
How the hell am I supposed to "box this up" now? I was doing a damned good job of keeping it in. What the hell is wrong with me that I let some human get me to open up on things that I've been able to keep secret for so long?
And this isn't even the first time!
I made a huge mistake telling Caerwyn about my foster father simply because he was the same race and class as he was, and then he decided he would try to be my "protector" and now since I've shut him out he hardly speaks to me. Apparently there was no loss there except my own foolishness in revealing something I shouldn't have.
Is this a human trait?
An innate ability to make me reveal things that I wouldn't otherwise?
Or is it my own flaw that I have to fix?
Either way, it's frustrating and infuriating.
For days now I've been walking around in a sem-comfortable void, detached from those around me, and then after one night with Brian, I'm losing my own self control!
What the hell is wrong with me?!
Am I that desperate to find someone to tie me to this world that I'll unload on anyone that strikes a chord with me? If so I fear I'll make a poor shadowdancer.
I mean, three people in over 100 years I suppose isn't so bad, but 2 in just a matter of weeks... I'm losing my grip.
At least I don't think Caerwyn will be an issue. Whatever friendship or else he ever expected or wanted from me is done, thank the stars. Now I just have to calm down this stabbing pain in my heart again and learn to forget again what should've been forgotten years ago.
Closure. Yeah, sure. That's a lot easier said than done. I'll bet he doesn't have some long lost parentage that he doesn't know about.
I'm supposed to sit and meditate on inviting in the shadows, but I can't even think straight right now. How the hell am I supposed to meditate? I'm just glad I know of enough places to be alone so that no one else has to see me like this.
Ha... watch, I'm probably being spied on right now... that would just figure
*the page gets wrinkled as she slams the book shut*
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Ok, so I feel better today. I spent a lot of time alone in meditation, and things feel a bit more in balance today. I can feel the shadows all aroung me, and it's almost as if when I invite them to come to me, they call me to them as well. They're still out of reach, but I think with more practice it might be a tangible goal.
I know that I will have to find some way of resolving my issues with my family and with my past, but I still don't know where to start yet. I may enlist Brian's help with this, but I'm not sure yet. It may be a solitary quest for me.
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I decided to go with a group to help a gnome. I don't know why, I guess I was just bored. Brian showed up, leaning on my shoulder. I shrugged him off. I don't want him to get the wrong idea, and I am definitely not his leaning post. I don't mind being friendly with him, but a girl's got to have boundaries.
So anyways, the stupid gnome apparently blew up his master's lab, burned a whole bunch of holes in the floor of the lab, and set some kind of weird experiment to life... sort of. What it boils down to is, it was gross, it was messy, it was on fire- we killed it, put out the fire, and then people in the group figured how to blow up the big icky mess at the heart of it all. Blowing up stuff is not my forte.
I finally met Brian's infamous "ex". Jae- something or other. She's pretty enough I guess, but man is she an attention . Not only was she continuing to flirt with Brian, even though supposedly they are through, but also with Marcus, and it seemed to me, anyone else in the room with male equipment. Funny thing is, Mr. "no emotion" was falling all over himself for her. He told me that she was his "tie" to this world, but I think he made a poor choice. It seemed to me that she doesn't really care about anyone except herself and made sure that she was the center of everyone's attention, especially Marcus's, the whole time. I don't approve of people who go around kissing everyone all the time. Especially when she apparently knows that Brian is obviously still hung up on her. Who knows, maybe he'll get the picture. Probably not. Men are thick in the head about those things. I warned him that he was showing too much, but apparently he wasn't thinking clearly. All he wanted to do was argue. Me, I had more important things to worry about- like whether I was going to get burned by nasty sticky acid globbies.
After it was all over, I went to the fire across from the goblin caves to meditate. Who should show up, but the infamous ex! Unfortunately, I haven't gotten the knack of keeping my concentration when anyone else is around. She eyed me up and down and asked me if Brian and I were more than just a teacher student relationship. Like I needed to give her anything! I told her that for my part, it was strictly business, but I could not speak for him. She "warned" me that he liked elven women. Yeah... I knew that already. Don't really care. She was so vain then that she said that she probably turned him off of our race forever. HAH! She flatters herself too much. It may even be true, but to say it aloud shows her true colors.
She wanted me to tell her how our studies were going... um, none of her business. She didn't seem thrilled that I told her that was between Brian and me... oh well, tough luck lady. Best part was, she seemed uncomfortable with the fact that I was a woman, an elf, and his student, so apparently I have a certain amount of time with him. I think I may have to play up on that at sometime if I'm feeling spiteful. It might be interesting. Maybe she'd get a taste of her own medicine and Brian could get on with his life. Not that I really care if he does or not, but I feel that it interferes with not only my studies with him, but his own ability to contact and commune with shadows. And that much I've gotten from just my little knowledge.
I guess we'll see. This could be fun.
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Well, my so-called teacher has decided to vanish... more than in the usual sense. He slipped a note into my pocket simply saying "I will be gone for some time." If he does not come back soon, I will have to look for another teacher. Luckily I still have 2 more names, though I hear that the elf that I would look for has not been seen or heard from in a long time. Seen, well, that's to be expected. The only other option I know of is Bumblebee, the Brownie, but if necessary I can probably get Tritherion to introduce me.
In the meantime, I think I'm starting to find my balance point. I feel that especially during battle I am able to push aside my emotions and feel the call of the shadows, whereas I am also finding it easier to let loose a bit more in social company, especially with Aerimor...though I have to admit, not so much with others on a regular basis. I find my mood lightening a bit, and even though I still don't necessarily feel attached to him or any others really, the void that I was feeling no longer feels like a void with sadness or loneliness, but simply a necessary state of mind that is getting easier to reach.
I'm not sure if I'm getting better at my meditations, or simply finding a better spot to meditate each time, but I feel the pull a bit stronger each time. Now I'm just trying to use that same state of mind in combat... I think I've got a while to go still, but it's a work in progress.
Oh, and I probably should've kept the whole note from Brian to myself, but I have a feeling it's Jaelle's fault that he had to leave, so I figured she should know. I would hope she feels guilty about it, but judging from her personality, I doubt she does. The woman seems to think of nothing and no one but herself. Aerimor was having a laugh at her expense, and luckily she never heard any of it. He's nicknamed her "Jail" because he said that being with her is like spending an eternity graced... in prison. I had to really be careful not to bust out laughing at that one. Good for me no one seemed to notice... and good for him, no one seemed to hear the rest of his statement!
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I met an intriguing new elf named Razeriem. I'm not sure what to think of him. He seems to live off of flattery, but then at times actually seems sincere. Though he is not able to control his eyes anytime a female anything walks past. He was an interesting companion though, and quite the contrast to Aerimor.
I also learned a valuable lesson, don't drink. I let myself be pressured into a dance with Razeriem. As I heard the compiments, I felt myself so uncomfortable with all the eyes on me. I had to leave before I betrayed more than I wanted to. Afterward I made a foolish decision to go back and after seeing Jaelle and Razeriem, probably both flirting with each other... Raz can't seem to help himelf, and apparently Jaelle can't either, regardless of the pain she inflicts on a certain other, I made another foolish decision to drink some of the brew from the tavern. There is a reason I don't drink. I don't know what I said or what was said to me, but I do remember somewhat stumbling back through the city and somehow made it to one of my normal resting places. When I awoke, Razeriem was still there. One of my first thoughts was to make sure that nothing untoward had happened... nothing had, and he assured me, though, he apparently thinks that I will be fawning all over him soon enough, of my own volition. I'm not certain of that. He is handsome, and at least this one is an elf... but I've seen the way he looks at every single female that passes, and almost always even flirts with them, so I doubt he has a sincere bone in his body where feelings are concerned.
Jaelle managed to get herself into trouble again, this time with... I don't actually know what that woman... thing... was... But she went all spastic and terrified and started casting magic all over apparently without the capability of control. Brian showed up again, not surprising. That human seems to have no will power where Jaelle is concerned, and no ability to keep his distance. Some other person there was able to sort things out with Jaelle, but then she said she was feeling weak I guess. Either way, she was unable to care for herself once again, and Brian ended up taking care of her. I'm sure this will only perpetuate his cycle, and I cautioned him, but I doubt he sees or cares for my concern. Whatever, she will probably be the death of him someday, and he will probably welcome it as if it were bliss.
Razeriem seems quite taken with Jaelle also... not surprising. Aerimor seems to be the only one that I know of, male or female, besides myself who is not completely smitten with the woman. Then again, for Razeriem, there doesn't seem to be a difference between her or any other woman. I'll probably continue to help him with a few of his quests that he needs to complete, but after that I'm not sure. He asks too many questions. He pries. And he is a little too perceptive in my opinion. Is it that obvious that I have no siblings? How could he have guessed that? I need to work on hiding my feelings and expressions more. Perhaps I need to spend more time in the shadows. At least there I don't have to worry about prying eyes and probing questions.
-
I went to Voltrex. I wonder if I have ever been there before. Razeriem says there are still tribes of wildelves and woodelves there, but of course, where we were there weren't any. We went inside the library. So much information, and yet not what I was looking for. I don't know what I was looking for. Some clue, something to start on maybe... I didn't find anything. At least now I know I've been there. The home of the elves. I just wish I knew more about how I got to Mistone, and when, and what happened after that... Until then I know I'll never be able to close off that part of myself. It doesn't quite exist yet enough to do so.
-
They're all dead...
Brian asked me to go with him and a few others to deal with some bandits. That wasn't too difficult, and we all made it out safe and sound. Then we decided to go into the Sinister forest and we battled some spiders, snakes, treants... and then trolls. The fight was seeming to go a bit sour; a troll mage was coming towards me, so I ran... and then I don't remember much until I found myself in Delanthar at the binding stone.
Brian came after some time, and apparently everyone else survived the battle with the trolls, but it was a close call for all of them. We sat and talked while I recovered from my recent death, but we moved to a more secluded spot so as to avoid the prying eyes, and ears of others.
He told me his past. I have no words for the atrocities he suffered while growing up. That there are people out there that treat their children so and call it training, I know they exist, but I cannot and will not ever condone it.
I don't know what I did to gain his trust, but I won't squander the gift. I finally saw his face too. He's not just a human. There is definitely some elven blood in those veins.
I didn't expect to be able to trust him this much, but through some meditation, we were able to uncover some memories I didn't know existed anymore. I saw my mother's face. Her green eyes, her reddish brown hair... I heard her voice singing to me. My father's laughter, his grin, the sun-hardened texture of his skin, and the shape of his face.
And the brother I never knew I had... and do not think I will ever have the chance to meet. I saw him go off to battle, and I saw the river running red with blood as my parents pulled me to the only safe place they could find.
I heard the screams and the sounds of battle in the distance, growing closer, even as we ran... and stumbled... as fast as we could.
They're all dead... they would have to be. Brian assures me that there is a possibility. I guess if I survived, there may be others. But if Cam refused to speak of it, I just don't think there is much hope there.
Brian wants to try to uncover more memories another time. Perhaps, but I'm not sure I can do that any time too soon, or I'll risk losing too much of my own composure.
I've never let anyone see me cry since my foster-father died. I'm not used to letting myself feel so vulnerable... so exposed. I feel raw. Like my insides have been torn to shreds and I'm attempting to put the pieces back and they don't quite fit the same way they used to. He said he wouldn't tell anyone... I guess now we each have a secret of the other's, so I suppose it's a fair trade. I try really hard not to show what most call a feminine weakness. That's not how I was brought up, and I hate it when women appear weak. It takes credibility away from our sex. But at the same time, I just couldn't help myself... all those emotions... I wasn't ready for it. I'm not sure I'll be ready for it next time either... but I suppose if I can unlock those memories from so long ago, maybe I'll be able to put the memories to rest.
-
Every time I close my eyes I keep seeing it over and over and over again. The fear on their faces, the red river... I hear the screams...
I need to cleanse my mind of these thoughts, but the cure is eluding me at present. As long as I stay awake or in the presence of others I can keep the memories at bay. But my body does wear out and requires rest, and those quiet times are when they seem to pour out of the small crack that we made in the dam that had held them at bay for so long.
Maybe if I just keep my eyes open until I sort it out... and stay busy...
-
*the handwriting is very shaky, crooked, and spaced out*
I..........can't do this much more...
........... battles help some
to keep...... going
.......I'm tired.
.............it's showing
my head is spinning..... all the.... time
I nneed
......... help
-
I gave up. I needed help so I went to the only person I thought could help me... Brian. He offered me shelter and lent me an ear so that I could release the horror of my past enough to try to deal with it. I finally was able to rest. The images are still there, and I can't change what happened, but perhaps in time the memory will fade once again.
As far as Brian goes, though, I'm worried that things are taking an unexpected turn. There seems to be an attraction there from both sides that no matter how hard I struggle against it, still remains. We spent countless hours beside a lake in Alindor just talking... but something about the look in his eyes on a few occaisions made me nervous. I know he has a weakness for elves, and even though I don't put a whole lot of stock in the words of Verideth Lightbringer, but he may have actually had a point when he said that teachers and students should not be of the opposite sex... things get complicated. We have a lot in common, but I just don't know if I can let myself do this. What if we did form a relationship? We would have what, 30 years? Maybe a few more due to his elven heritage? Then what? I'd have to watch someone else go on and leave me alone... no that would not do at all.
Now all I have to do is stop letting him charm me... and I should probably stop staying at his house... No luck so far though... I can't seem to resist that smile... or the way his eyes seem to stare right through me...
Maybe it is time to use what I've learned so far and retreat to the shadows as best as I can... it's safer there...
-
My head and my heart do not seem to agree with each other, but my heart seems to be winning the battle no matter how hard my head struggles and fights against it. Brian and I, along with Aerimor, Verideth, and few others, went on a small quest to to the dragon isle...
no, I must start before then.
A rose was slipped into my pack, apparently by Brian. What is it with men and roses? I find myself lost on the concept, but I assume it was to be a nice gesture, so I made sure not to crush the petals amongst all of my other belongings, and I shall place it somewhere to dry and keep it next to the other rose I have from Aerimor. Aerimor has been more tender lately, and has told me on several occaisions that he would be happy to lend an ear should I need someone to confide in, or to help to find my way back to balance. The problem is, even though I trust Aerimor with my life, and I enjoy his company, I'm not sure that I feel comfortable talking to him about the possibility of love, and that that in itself is now what is causing me to feel out of balance. I know that he trusts me, and that he would be a good listener, but yet... I don't think he would understand. He is not even willing to consider the possibility of an attraction betwixt himself and someone other than another Sun Elf, how could he possibly understand the possibility of an attraction of an elf and what he would consider a lesser creature?
He said he has been listless though, that something is calling him and he cannot seem to find it. I must remember to ask around to those I know with contacts about anyone who could give him more information on this Shifter idea... I hope he finds his way. He seems more and more to be lost in his animal forms, and I fear for him that if he does not find his own balance that he may be lost to those forms just like so many apparently have been lost to the shadows...
Before we set out on our journey to the dragon isles, Brian said that his feelings for Jaelle were no more and that he wanted to get to know me better. I knew by the look in his eyes what he wanted and it frightened me. I've never tread this path before and I'm not sure what to expect. He makes my knees go weak where even the most terrifying monster does not. How can that possibly be a good thing? And yet, even through the fear and the unknown I find myself being more free and more and more... myself... than I have ever known. We talked more after our expedition while waiting for another boat to sail, and the final decision is that I apparently have no will power where my heart is concerned. I asked him that we take things slowly and I explained to him my fear that my lifetime would extend far beyond his. I told him that I am not ready to learn what it is like to not be alone only to have to learn once again if something were to happen to him. He simply said that as "heroes" we never know when our time is up and that we should live life to the fullest until that fateful day... I understand that concept, but it still worries me. It's like walking across a thin rope over a very very deep gorge, and I'm afraid I could fall at any moment. He held me while we watched the sun rise, and then traveled back to his house, which I have found myself more and more calling "home."
I let him stay with me in his bed, rather than making him take his usual place on the couch in the other room, and he held me gently, but when I woke from my reverie I found him sleeping curled up on the floor snoring softly. I really should insist that he take the bed and I'll take the floor. I'm more used to it than he is.
I had told him that I wished to keep our relationship, new as it is, private, and that it is not to be on public display. He said that he would oblige, but that it was not necessary in the ways of a shadowdancer, that simply because we cast an aura of mystery over our personality and emotions for the world to guess at does not mean that we cease to be ourselves. Perhaps not, but I feel that if I let my emotions out there for all the world to see while I'm with him, it will be more difficult to lock them away when I need to. It adds complications that I am not willing to have to fight, especially if it means that one or both of us will end up with our lives on the line because of it. My private life will remain just that. Private. No one needs to see those feelings but him anyways. I hope that he'll be able to do the same.
-
I don't know what happened... a piece of me was ripped out...
The strange part about it was that it threw me more into my goal. I spent days walking around, opening myself up to the cool, calm, safe solitude of those shadows and let myself fall away into the haziness of the world around me. I can still not fully envelop myself in those shadowy tendrils, but I feel as if they are so close, and calling out to me, as if they're calling me home...
Brian accused me of shutting him and everyone else out because of the visit from the soul mother... maybe I was a little, but it was the only way that I could regain some semblance of myself, and the more I shut out, the stronger the pull towards that shadowy plane I've been striving so hard to reach. I think once we stopped arguing, and i explained, he understood... He should, probably more than anyone else. I told him that I would need more time, to open myself up to those possibilities, and he agreed. He would have to, he's been the one helping me get there. I told himI would come back, and I kissed him quickly before I left him. I don't know exactly what came over me, but it just felt like something I needed to do. If I didn't make it back, if something happened and I couldn't return from the shadows, then well, maybe then at least he would have that... and knwo that I care for him.
I spent a few more days in meditation, moving around silently and asking the shadows to come to me. It still feels so close to me, it's almost within my grasp... like it's just outside my fingertips. I'm not sure how much time went by. Time seems to pass differently now somehow...
I found Brian again during my wanderings, amongst a large group of people, most of whom I had never met before. They called him Daniel, his apparent new name for himself. Personally, my favorite name of his is his birth name, Elyam. But I don't think he's ready to claim that truly as his name yet, so I will not burden him with the use of it until he is ready to hear it. Even still, I accompanied this group of adventureres through the mountains, hunting giants. My skills in th eart of not being seen must be getting better as I do not recall being hit throughout th eentire foray, and yet still managed to get in some fairly damaging blows. The others in the group were all very skilled in their respective fields though, and it all went quickly as the giants were dispatched.
When we returned, we sought the others at the campfire near the goblin wastelands, but everyone scattered, leaving myself, Brian, and Elgon, who had already previously determined who Brian really was, even without his mask. Something about his scent. I wonder if Brian will ever tell Elgon that they are brothers.
Since Elgon is a druid I asked him about Aerimor's growing issues and he didn't seem to think it was a problem. He said that if he wants help with it he should talk to the druids council, but as far as shifters go, they are generally outcasts... not necessarily because of the druids, but a self-imposed exile. I don't know if he'll talk to Aerimor about it, but who knows... maybe ther eis no hope fo rhim. Maybe this is a normal druid thing. I guess I just don't know enough about it.
When we left, I brought Brian with me to one of my favorite meditation spots, the small pond on the cliff above Haven City. I picked a rose that was growing there and gave it to him, since he has now given me two. He held me and kissed me, and I told him that I did not long to spend wiht him, the call of the shadows is just too great for me righ tnow. I told him that I would watch over him as he slept, which I did, but as he started to wake up, I slipped away. I left him a note, though. I jsut know that soon I'll be able to achieve my goal, I just need to pay more attention... spend more time... the call is so great... I don't know how long I'll be gone this time...
-
I find it very interesting that the more I try to lose myself in the shadows, the more opens up for me to come back to the world at the same time. I have to admit though, I seem to make more progress with the shadows when Brian... or I guess I can call him Elyam... is not around. I don't want to tell him, but I think I will have to find another tutor...someone who doesn't distract me this way.
And as far as his name goes, he completely shocked me by introducing himself to a complete stranger using his birth name... then again, maybe that's why he did. He wouldn't know the significance of it, whereas I think the entire Angels guild probably would. I still hope he'll tell his family some day. I envy the fact that his family is there... so close to him, and all he needs to do is let them know his true identity. Elgon said to me once that everyone had a family. He seemed incredulous when I told him that I didn't have one. I suspect with the family he is used to he probably wouldn't understand.
Elohanna had her baby finally. Aerimor and Elyam both thought it was strange that I didn't want to hold the baby at first. I never had any experience with infants. Children will always be near to my heart, but they are bigger, less fragile, and I understand when they talk... well, most of the time. But babies... they're just so incredibly tiny and I don't understand their language. Aerimor seemed completely in his element with her, and Elohanna was very encouraging. They convinced me to hold her for a brief moment at first, but it wasn't until the second time I held her, when I was able to sit more comfortably, with the added stability of being near to the floor, that I trully started to understand how wonderful she...Clarisse... was. Her little fingers and tiny fingernails, and the soft hair on her head... it was amazing. I can see how it could be addicting to be around something so small and sweet.
I don't know that I want one... at least not any time soon, but it could be tempting.
-
Laura came back to town. Aerimor told me around the time when I first met him about someone named Laura that "used to be a vampire" and that she had threatened the Dawnstars somehow and turned Verideth to stone.
Well... it looks as if not only is she still a vampire, but she can walk in the daylight now, and she is still threatening Elohanna, and now Clarisse... and she's using Jaelle to get to them. If I see Jaelle come even CLOSE to that child she will find an arrow in her throat.
We sat with Elohanna and tried to reassure her and calm her at her house, and we tried to think of a solution, but neither Aerimor, nor I, nor Elohanna seemed to be able to come up with one. Elyam came in later on, and when he heard what was going on he said he suggested that we go to an orphanage to find a double. Um... NO! I refuse to be part of something that would sacrifice some innocent child for the sake of another... just because a child is an orphan doesn't mean that the child's life is forfeit. I care about what happens to Clarisse... probably more than I ever would've thought... but that doesn't mean I'm willing to let another baby be killed for her. The idea just made me sick. I know Elyam didn't like the idea either, and I know it upset him to see that I was sickened by his suggestion... he decided to leave and he said he would come up with another solution.
We sat some more with Elohanna, but she needed her rest, so I decided to show myself out. When I did, I saw Elyam lying on the ground with blood coming from the back of his head. I couldn't be angry with him when he was hurt. Aerimor came out shortly, and when I couldn't get him to wake up, Aerimor used a healing spell on him. He woke up slowly, but he looked shaky so I took him home and put him to bed. I stayed with him and watched as he slept, but he slept fitfully, and kept tossing and turning, and quietly calling my name... I reassured him that I was here, but he didn't seem to hear me.
He's sleeping more soundly now, so I hope that he'll feel better when he awakes. I can't agree with what he had proposed. I will never agree with that... but I can agree never to talk about it again...
-
I guess a lot has happened lately... I've been so busy. I'm not exactly sure where to start...
I found a new teacher who is teaching me to dance in shadows. Well... sort of a group of them really. They're entertainers, and they put on a show using their talents, but that is not the only thing they are capable of. A feisty little halfling named Nighteyes, who apparently is older than I am (and she likes to tell me so frequently) tested me to see if she thought that I was even talented enough to start the training. There were 4 tests.
The first test, she made me walk a tightrope. That may not sound so bad to some, but she had me walk across the rope over the gorge at Warrior Falls... I did alright though. I made it about three-quarters of the way across though when I slipped. I managed to grab the rope as I fell, and I was able to pull myself back up and finish the rest of the way across, but I felt a bit shakey afterward, and my hand burned where I had to grab the rope so quickly. I think if it weren't for the gloves I was wearing, it might've been worse. I know I didn't want to fall to the water down below, or even worse... the rocks. Nighteyes seemed to have absolutely no problem running quickly across the rope both times, and she even said that if the ice continued to form across the rope it would make a good addition for the final act of their show. I was just glad I wasn't part of the show...
The second test she said was a test of stealth. She gave me a potion of invisibility, but told me not to use it unless I absolutely needed to... as in life or death. She told me to sneak past a camp full of trollocs to a cave to find a chest that had a gem inside it. The chest was trapped, but that was the least of my problems. On more than one occaision I had to try to distract the trollocs by throwing coins or pebbles away from me and luckily... it seemed to work. When I made it out of the cave though I didn't see any trollocs... but when I made it back to Nighteyes she was wiping blood from a knife. She said a few of them got a bit too curious. Either way, I handed her the potion and the gem, and I think she was pleased with what I had done.
The third test was to see how good my reflexes were. In their act, one of their mages throws fireballs at one of their dancers and his job is to dodge the fireballs... so they decided to test me with that same performance. I did alright. I only missed dodging one... which hurt a lot, singed my cloak and burned my skin... but they gave me a potion that at least took the sting out, even if it didn't heal my cloak. That I had to repair myself later.
The last test. They told me there was a nobleman who needed to be "dealt with" because he was threatening to have them run out of town. They handed me a map and a knife. I was hesitant to take the knife because I didn't know them all that well, and I didn't know the nobleman at all. Yeah, I wanted them to train me, but I wasn't sure that if they were going to just go kill people that made things difficult for them if they were the types of people I wanted training me anyways. I told them that I needed more information, that I never kill lightly, and I had to know more before I made a decision to do as they asked. If the man was trully evil, I could've done it... but I had no way of knowing that. Apparently I chose correctly by not going to kill the man... it was only a trick anyway. The nobleman was actually a friend of theirs and the knife they gave me was a fake- it retracted at the hilt, which Nighteyes I think enjoyed showing me how harmless it was by stabbing herself in the gut... and then laughing.
But they said that I was ready, and they started to train me.
The training has been taking up so much of my time, but it has been so worth it as I am able to start manipulating shadows already. So much of what Brian had told me does not seem to apply here. I do not have to lock away my emotions. In fact, when I use my emotions, especially the positive ones, I seem to be more effective in my shadowplay. They warned me to stay away from anger as it is difficult to control. Normally this is not a problem for me, but lately... well, I've been a bit angry and hurt... but at least I am able to put that from my mind while I am training. The new techniques and the progress I can see myself is so thrilling that even though I find myself exhausted by the end of a session, I feel exhilerated.
The anger and hurt I guess stem from Brian. He had some sort of illness that caused him extreme pain that he didn't tell me about because he figured it wouldn't come up. Well, it did. But that isn't even really the issue. I was concerned about him, but I was preoccupied. The involvement with him was stunting my progress in dancing.
Then Laura showed back up into town. She killed Razeriem as he was attempting to "save" Jaelle... who I'm seriously thinking should be named as Aerimor calls her- Jail. At least maybe that is where she should be. Elgon and I had been sitting talking and watching Laura and Jaelle quietly but we both knew that there was nothing that we could do just the two of us, and even not with the other people that were standing close by. None of them seemed to notice or care who or what she was until Raz died. Then suddenly everyone wanted to care and was in the mood for blood. I tried to warn them and tell them to stop and tell them that Jaelle knew what she was and that they could not beat her... they all died. Laura saw me and turned to me, so I fired off a few shots from my bow and then ran to find the guard. That stupid guard, Trent, he wouldn't even listen to me. I think when Laura turned him to stone that one time, she must've done something to his mind as well.
Well, as everyone was recovering from their deaths, they kept talking about they wanted to hunt Laura down and destroy her, and then Brian showed up yelling at them and telling them that he had a plan with Elohanna and that they all needed to just leave it alone and let those who knew what was going on deal with it. Well, that didn't make them happy, and the men all seemed to want to be the one who was right and bigger and badder... and it was all so stupid. I wanted to scream, I wanted to leave. I told Brian I was leaving and he asked me to stay. So I did... for a bit too long really. Brian went off to take care of Jaelle... again... and left me to listen to the idiots in town. Finally I gave up and left. I went to talk to Razeriem who had gone to hide himself in his gambling once more. I warned him that Jaelle would only bring him trouble and heartache, and he turned the same on me and said that Brian was only doing the same to me... I guess he was right. Nighteyes had asked me to think of a time when I was trully happy. None of the times with Brian came to mind. The only thing I could think of was how Elohanna had welcomed me to her home and said that I was as good as family to her... the closest thing I have ever felt to family before since Cam died. Brian was not a part of it. He didn't make sense in the equation. I decided to stay away from Brian for a while.
I recieved a letter from Elohanna asking me to come at once to her house. When I got there I found that Brian had still not taken the antidote for his illness and was in pain. He said he wanted to wait for me to be there so that I could take care of him and so that he could explain to me why he didn't tell me before. My concern was just turning more to anger on the subject and he actually had the nerve to think that I was angry with him because I was jealous of Jaelle! Elohanna said that we were not allowed to leave her house until we had settled things, and I calmed down after yelling at him, but I was realizing more and more that my feelings for him were fading. I was angry with him for not taking care of himself sooner. I felt as if he was trying to trick me into wanting to stay with him by being sick. It was an unfair and mean trick. I was going to try to get Elly to convince him to take his medicine, but then I heard even more disturbing news:
Because of what Brian had told the whole town about there being a plan with Elohanna to hunt down and destroy Laura... Laura now knew of the plan, or at least that there was one. Elly was furious, and my anger just kept getting worse the more Brian tried to convince us that he was right and that Jaelle was a key point in the plot. I don't trust her, and I never will, and I have no desire to put the lives of those that I care about in danger by having her involved when she is so close to Laura...
I left. I didn't see Brian, and I didn't know if he took his antidote, but I knew that Elly would take care of him. I couldn't do it. I just didn't have it in me, and I knew I had more training that would take up more time.
I ran into Brian once since then, in Leringard, a city I now feel very uncomfortable in, when I was with Raz. He wanted me to go and talk with him, but I told him I was with a friend and he left. I wasn't ready to talk to him then. Razeriem gave me some good advice on the subject, and I know I'll have to talk to Brian, sooner probably rather than later... Maybe I can ask Elly to stay for support though.
The other thing that has occupied so much of my time lately is Aerimor. He did something and drank something, and now he has been changing into strange and different forms- at least for him. When first I saw him changed, Verideth brought me to Folian's Vale and there he was in the form of a small blue dragon. Apparently he has a hard time sometimes fighting off the urges of his form. A few days later.. maybe a week? I don't know.. time seems to run together these days... he was a human woman. That was just weird. Then when I went to see him most recently, I watched him change from a human woman to a male drow. And he was suddenly evil. I ran because I didn't know if he would do something that he would regret, and he found me later in Ft Llast, and he was Aerimor again. He said that he could feel the form and it's desire for blood so he was going back to hiding in the vale. When I saw him again later, he was having occaisional fights with the dark elf form, but it seems that with enough persuasion I could get him to remember himself in there.
I guess that's all that's been going on. My ability with the shadows is growing, slowly but steadily. I hope that before too long I'll be able to draw the shadows around me completely.. not just around my hand or my foot... But I keep practicing... and I have high hopes.
-
I never wanted to hurt him. I told him the truth, but I could see... he was hurting. He started to close up, and he actually lied to me... I could tell. He said he wasn't upset, and that he wasn't angry at me. I thought that by telling him the truth though, I don't love him... not the way that he wants me to, that he will be better in the long run. He told me that I didn't understand love, and that even with love things are not perfect, not always easy... Maybe I don't understand love yet, but it's not the way I feel for him. I worry about him. I hope that he won't do something to get himself hurt. Then I'm not sure I could forgive myself, even if I do still think I did what was right...
-
My training progresses. I find myself putting in more hours than I even thought I would... even when not in active training I sometimes find myself still practicing with the shadows. The progress is there. I can pull the shadows to my hand fairly easily now, and I can wrap them around most of my arm, but I still lack the control I need. I was really amazed when I learned I could pull shadows away from the object that cast them so that they were actually separated... of course nothing ever stays for long, but the manipulation is there! I find myself needing rest more often while working, but I am so excited about these new discoveries that it is all so worth while, even with the fatigue.
I've still been trying to find spare moments to spend with Aerimor, and he has been going through some very very strange changes... but I think things might be a bit different soon. I hope anyway.
I had to go get Razeriem out of the gambling hall too... He says he's going to go to Voltrex soon. He says he has a child he has never seen. I wish him well, but he has been wasting away in that card hall. I worry about him. I pulled him away to go fishing with me so that at least he'd have food again. I swear the man is helpless without me!
-
I found Aerimor again, walking along the road, and he was some spider/dark elf combination... That must've been what Elgon called a drider. I was startled, but he assured me that he was himself, and we walked on to a meeting he had to go to. We walked into the woods near the Zainge River, and I actually heard some strange voice on the wind talking to him. He disappeared into a light, but he at least was transformed back into his elven self first. I told him I'd wait for him, and I did for a long time. After some time, the voice spoke to me and told me to "aid him on his path" and then I walked towards a portal that opened for me. I found Aerimor in a strange place trying to figure out a puzzle. We tried to think of many different things before finally we decided that there was an actual Path that Aerimor had to walk... and since it was his, he had to forge the path himself once he figured out what the meanings of the things around him were. After he walked that path, we were in some sacred grove, and there was an old blind woman that talked to him for a while. I'm not really sure what any of it means, but apparently Aerimor needed my help some how. He said I helped him, but I was just there trying to be his friend.
He seems to be more in control now. He can change into a small dragon of apparently different colors, and he is able to change back to an elf at will. I must admit I am thrilled to have my friend back. And as far as I've seen now he does not have the problems controlling the urges of his form. He doesn't seem threatening anymore. We fought ogres together, and lions, and it was almost like old times again. Though he did have fun having me demonstrate my ability to dodge fireballs for him. He singed me once, but that was after I dodged countless... I suppose it wasn't too bad a showing. Maybe Toby would be proud. I don't really know why, but I kissed Aerimor on the cheek before I left him. I have grown rather fond of him. He is probably the best friend I've ever had...
Though I've been gone a long time now... I'm not looking forward to what Nighteyes is going to say to me in the morning. I have no idea how long I was gone with Aerimor. But, to help a friend, I will listen to her scolding...
-
It's been weeks since I had that talk with Brian. I haven't seen him or heard from him. I met his father and another of his brothers though.. the resemblance between the three of them is uncanny. There is no way they wouldn't be able to know who he is! Maybe he just never showed them before. Rain's voice was so similart to Brian's also, it made me sad to know that I've probably lost him forever, if only as a good friend. I left him a message letting him know that I hope he is well, and I asked Sarah to check in on him for me. But unfortunately that seems to be all I can do. I know if he doesn't want to speak to me or see me, or if he doesn't want to be found, he won't...
Aerimor did his best to cheer me up, and he managed to make me feel better for sure. He tried to dance for me... which with his bad hip, is not the best, and he sang for me, which was much better than his dancing. Later on though I found that he is a much better dancer as part of a pair than he is on his own. He said it was because of me, that I was helping him along, but it was a dance that he knew... not me. Sometimes I wonder if there is a possibility of something more there, but I know what Aerimor's feelings are towards non-sunelves. So I will be content to know that I have a good friend, who takes care of me when I am sad and lonely, and who seems to delight in making me smile.
-
I actually did it! Granted it didn't last long at all, but I actually did it! I actually cloaked myself in shadows! I can finally see that my training is really paying off. Now I just have to work on holding that there a little longer... but still... it is really amazing to know that something that I've wanted to do for so long is actually within my reach.
-
My training is complete for now... I've finally managed to be able to dance in shadows like the Veiled Dancers do... so now I am just putting it to use. I think I will continue to keep in touch with them though, and perhaps they will teach me more over time. Though, the training schedule is not as gruelling anymore, and I find myself with more time to spend catching up on my thoughts and my friends once again... which has also seemed to produce a few new thoughts and feelings as well. I've been feeling so different around Aerimor lately, and he has said a few things to me that have made me wonder if perhaps he has been feeling similar thoughts about me, but still... this is very new to me. I never felt like this with Brian. With Brian I was still not able to feel completely comfortable, completely relaxed, completely whole. I'm not sure that I do even feel that way with Aerimor yet either, but with him being my best friend, I feel more normal. Brian and I were never really friends. Even though I'd like to be friends with him now if possible.
I asked Elly about it. Without having a mother or sister, I suppose she's the closest to one I would trust like one... a sister anyway. And she never treats me like I am naive or immature about these things, so it's easy to talk to her. She told me I should just tell Aerimor how I feel, but how do you explain to someone that all of a sudden lately your stomach does flip flops and ties in knots when you see him? That I feel at the same time like I can walk on air, and feel sick at the same time? It is such a strange feeling, I'm not sure yet if it is wonderful or terrible, and I'm not sure if it is love or not. The word is still even so strange to me. As challenging as it was to learn to dance with shadows, this new feeling is even harder to deal with, and impossible to ignore. I feel like I want to kiss him, or run away and hide, or just enjoy being in his company... so many mixed feelings at the same time, it's dizzying...
I hope he doesn't laugh at me if I ever tell him...
-
Things have been fairly slow lately. I've been gathering what I can to help Aerimor make bandages and armor and such. We talked about things... sort of. He accused me of being a non-committal flirt. That I flirted with him, but never meant to do anything about it. I asked him if he flirted with me, and he eventually said that he did. We finally decided that we would not promote nor prohibit ourselves, and that we would simply let things go where they will. Neither of us wants to do anything to damage our friendship. I am happy with this. I would hate to lose my very best friend.
-
Well, we were able to find a decent use for all the panther cloaks that Aerimor has been making... so at least the panther skins I brought him have not gone to waste. We donated a lot of them to Omer for the school that he and Elly are starting up. Hopefully they'll be able to sell them and make a good amount of money to help with their fundraising efforts.
Verideth left. He apparently said he can't change enough to remain on Mistone, and is returning to Voltrex, though he decided to bring Leshariel home with him to meet the family... and he thinks he'll most likely be disowned for it. Honestly, I'm proud of him for that part, but I think it's sad for him that he can't stay in Mistone. But I guess, whatever he decides it is his own decision. Aerimor seemed to be a little upset by it, but he seems to be doing alright now.
Since apparently according to Aerimor, I am more human than elf... even if not in blood... though I admit I don't even know much about human culture except the little bits that I've observed... I am attempting to learn what elven society would expect of me if I should ever go to Voltrex. I don't know if I hope to actually impress his parents at all. The prospect of that seems slim if at all. But it would be nice not to get thrown out of their house because of my lack of knowledge of the so-called "finer" behaviors of elven culture. I even bought a dress. It doesn't feel natural to me at all. Such a waste of fabric and so cumbersome! I don't know how elven women or any women really wear those things all the time. The fabric itself doesn't feel bad... there's just so much of it! Though apparently all the men I know are too much in shock to see me in a dress. I think I nearly rendered Elgon speechless. In hindsight it was actually a bit amusing, but I was so self-conscious the whole time at first. I've never worried about getting dirty, or heck, bloody, in whatever I was wearing before. Then suddenly I was worried that if I ran through the cotton fields while it was raining, I would get mud all over my hem... what the heck?
I am desperately trying to keep my distance with Aerimor though... ok, maybe not exactly, but I don't know who would be more scared of a deeper relationship, me or him? I can't help flirting with him. I love playing with his ears, and teasing him, and I love the attention he provides me with. I don't think I'm necessarily trying to change to be a "better elf" to impress him... I really don't think there is much wrong with me the way that I am. But I have decided that perhaps learning to blend in and pass as something other than an orphaned Wild Elf who has no knowledge of anything but hunting, fishing, sneaking and the outdoors is a different kind of stealth. If I can fool a society of elves that I am one of them, perhaps I am a very good sneak after all.
Though the way he touched me yesterday... He said there was a bug on me... if that was true, that bug can land on me again, so long as he is the one to remove it...
-
I ran into Jaelle the other day. Something about that woman just makes my blood boil. After a polite "battle" of words, she came closer to me and whispered that she had taken measures from the beginning to make sure that Elly and Clarisse would be safe from Laura. I had to think about it for a moment, but I had never heard anything but lies and suddenly I felt an urgency to find Elly to make sure she and the children were safe. Aerimor and I ran to Ft. Wayfare and knocked on both of her doors, but no answer. I was worried, and resolved to go back and check later, but Aerimor tried to take my mind off things and teach me another dance.
Later, after I had rested as best as I could considering my nerves, I went back to see if Elly had returned home. She was not, but one of the children opened the door for me and let me in. Elly was nowhere to be found, and the children, all of them, including little Clarisse, were left alone. That was it. They found a spare key for me, and I've been taking care of them ever since. I did go to Aerimor though and ask him for help, since he knows more about raising children than I do... but I'm glad I got in those hours of babysitting for Elly when I did.
Worried that Elly might be on the run from Laura, I thought it would be safer to disguise myself for the time being since it is near impossible to stay in the house at all times, and I'm glad I had come up with a false name for myself ahead of time. When I was home alone with the children, a cleric of Aeridin came knocking on the door... Harris Lightseeker was his name. He demanded I tell him where Miss Dawnstar was. I told him truthfully that I didn't know where Mrs. Dawnstar was, but he didn't seem to believe me. He kept drawing out his warhammer, and even had the gaul to try to get little Auhry to come over and play with it. I had to continually ask him to put the weapons away and leave the children alone. He asked me my full name, which I told him, thankfully rehearsed, was Emma Lightfoot. He threatened to seize control of the house and all inside it if I did not cooperate, but thankfully Aerimor had come back by then and distracted him a bit. He drew his weapon again when he came in, claiming he thought he had something to fear from him, which I told him that I did not... but that he, the cleric, was a different matter since he continually drew his weapon inside the house. He said that he would bring Aerimor in for questioning of being an undead... which is quite amusing actually, but Aerimor went with him, and apparently was able to diffuse his anger and suspicions once he explained to him that he was a druid.
I knew there was a meeting that Shiff had called. I was there when he and Elly were talking about it. I knew Elly wanted Aerimor and I both to be there to be "voices of reason" but with the children, and the unexpected events, I was simply too nervous to leave them alone, lest someone, either Laura or the church of Aeridin decided to come bang on the door. I left the boys with Nemo, who was beside herself worried, and took Clarisse with me to the Temple of Toran, but when they started speaking of vampires, I just couldn't bare to stay with Clarisse so close to danger. I brought her back to Nemo again, and told her that I would be back to check on them soon, and went back to the meeting. I couldn't concentrate on anything being said though. All I could think was that if something happened to the children while I was gone I would never forgive myself. I finally told Aerimor that I couldn't do it, and that the children were my first priority. He stayed at the meeting, which apparently discussed nothing of any real importance, and was all just a waste of time... Except that apparently the old woman that was there was actually Jaelle, and he suspected that the woman in green was actually Elohanna. He left the meeting when Lightseeker left, I guess to make sure that he did not come back to the house.
I left Aerimor with Clarisse and the others, and went back to the temple, still hooded and cloaked. It was Elly... her voice was unmistakeable. I waited to see if the others would leave, and perhaps get a chance to talk with her, to let her know that the children were safe. I guess she recognized me, probably from when I had Clarisse before, and she came up and asked me to keep the children safe for her. I told her I would, as long as it takes. She hugged me and said thank you. I never used her name, since it seems you never know who can be listening, and I didn't want her to be given away on my account, but Benjamin Poetr apparently didn't see the same issue. She ended up removing her hood, but thankfully none there wished to harm her. She explained that the church wanted her for trying to stop them from doing something... at least that is what I understood. Something about urns, and some demon... I think she's going to go and try to talk to the church and have them stop looking for her. I told Jaelle that she had said before that it was her intention to keep Elly safe. I told her that I would hold her to that. Elly said that she believed Jaelle would do so. I sure hope she is right. If something does happen to Elly now I will hold Jaelle fully responsible. But my job is to take care of the children, keep them safe and calm, and if need be, I will move them to a safe location, even if Aerimor and I have to move them to Voltrex.
But the one bright light in this darkness, fear, confusion, and overwhelming exhaustion, is that Aerimor kissed me. Nothing big by most people's standards... but it's Aerimor. His kiss sent a chill through my body that I never felt before, not with the hundreds of kisses shared with Brian either. I was surprised. I was almost speechless. It was almost all I could do simply just to go back upstairs to Clarisse. I only hope he will kiss me again...
-
It's been weeks now that Aerimor and have been staying with the children, and Elly came home last night. There was a tearful reunion, for many of us, and she decided that she couldn't keep running, and couldn't keep separating herself from her children, for her sake or the sake of the children. She sent Aerimor and Elgon to get Lightseeker and bring him to the house so that they could settle things, but she wouldn't have to leave again.
Shortly after, Brian showed up and demanded that I take the children away immediately because Lightseeker was on his way. I told him no because Elly had sent for him, which seemed to throw his hot temper even more. I told him that perhaps he should leave. I was afraid that if he stayed he would make things worse and the last thing we needed was to have someone be killed or attacked in Elly's home where the children were nearby. Brian said he was leaving, but I know better. He never leaves, he just hides.
Lightseeker returned with Aerimor and Elgon and demanded that Elly go with him to North Point to the temple. Of course Brian started threatening, and Elgon refused to let Elly go, and Aerimor remained quiet and businesslike, but also was resolute in keeping Elly in the house where she wanted to stay. Finally, though, Elly, because of all the threats going on, decided that there would be no bloodshed in her house, and she would go to the temple at North Point and leave the children again, which Lightseeker said would only take a few days. I tried to tell Lightseeker that he was harming the children by taking their mother away- he had promised not to harm the children. Nemo had snuck out of her room and was pleading to go with her mommy, but I was able to convince her to stay because I needed her help to protect Clarisse and the boys. She was upset, but she did stay.
I couldn't help myself, it's not fair for her to be able to come home and that the children get to see their mother for only a brief few moments just to have her be taken away again. I don't know when I have cried like that... my heart felt like it had ripped open. I've grown to love these children, and I knew that when they got up in the morning, and their mother wasn't there, there would be a lot of tears. I was right.
I needed Aerimor's comfort through the night, and he stayed by me, but Coreth and Auhry woke up and came into the bedroom as they so often do. Coreth I suppose since he is still so young has gotten used to Aerimor and I being there and simply just came and snuggled up next to us, but Auhry asked where his mommy went again, and when I told him that she had to leave, but she would be back he started to cry... which started Coreth's tears as well. We held the boys and calmed them down as best as we could, and after that the rest of the night was uneventful, except for the small breaks in their reveries where their sadness would seep through...
Today it is almost back to what has become a normal routine for us, but everyone is walking around with a broken heart it seems, except for maybe Clarisse. I'm not sure if she understands what happens. Perhaps it is lucky for her that she is so young. I hope Elly will be home again soon. I am doing the best I can, but I am no replacement for their real mother. Though one day, maybe I will be able to have a family of my own. I never thought I would actually think I could handle it, but being thrown into this situation, it might actually be possible. Even moreso if I had someone by my side as wonderful and helpful with children as Aerimor.
-
Well something that started out to be one of the most insulting experiences in my life ended up turning out alright. Some snotty elf-woman in town was making a remark about my walking through the fountain in hempstead like it was a forest stream. In my opinion, a forest stream would be not only cleaner, but much prettier. But she was just so snotty about the whole thing. I think I overheard her saying at one point about her being of noble blood and pure elf. Ok, so big deal? I'm pure-blooded elf as well. Anyways, when I told Aerimor about it, he decided he was going to go walk through the fountain just to spite her... and he did. But it spurned a large argument where she called him a disgrace to the sunelves, and mentioned something about she didn't realize that wildelves came into "civilized" cities... Aerimor told her that she was a disgrace to elves in general, and eventually she called Trent over and accused Aerimor of trying to rob her or something, which everyone knew was an outright lie. So Trent took Aerimor away regardless. Elly had come over and I begged her to help since Aerimor really hadn't done anything wrong, he was just trying to stick up for me. Finally after some talking... I can't even remember at this point who said what, or really even what was said, the snotty one told Trent to "let the elf go" and that she dropped all charges. Oh please... there shouldn't have ever been any charges to begin with!
Anyways... she came over and apologized and offered to pay him, which is insulting in the very least. Then she said something to him, and he nodded and walked away without saying anything. I found him afterward walking senselessly into a wall in an alleyway. I don't know what she did to him, but I hope for her sake she locks her doors at night and checks the shadows around her when she walks... because if I ever see her again, I'm not sure it isn't in the best interest of everyone else that she no longer exist.
Aerimor went to Trent to report some form of strange happenings because there is no reason that he should've been behaving that way without someone tampering with him, and Trent said that he should not make such accusations against her. I couldn't take it anymore. I had been talking to Elly, but when I heard him say that I just lost it. He talks about the law is the law and other such stupid stuff like that, but if there are supposed to be laws, shouldn't they at least do something to protect people? Apparently not! I wanted to give him a piece of my mind but Aerimor put his hand over my mouth and pulled me away. I guess he thought I'd get arrested or something... yeah like Trent could see me if I didn't want him to... The human is utterly worthless!
Aerimor and I ended up talking outside the city by the pond for a long time and I'm not even sure how it ended up with the conversation that we had, but I guess I told him that I loved him... sort of. Either way, it ended up being that he needed to go back to Voltrex to figure out who he was and what he wanted. He said he needed to figure out if he was Aerimor Lightbringer, Aerimor the Sun Elf, or just Aerimor the Druid. Made me a bit nervous as to what his findings would be. After the run in with a snobby whatever elf, I know I'm not ready to deal with snobby sunelves...
I spent some time on Elly's couch while he was gone. I didn't really know what to say, and I was all nerves. I kept telling myself that if all he wanted when he came back was my friendship I hadn't really lost anything, and it would be ok, but I knew that I was afraid that was what would happen. I gathered aloe, and walked around in the woods, but I missed his company, even if he was only gone for a few days. I've grown so accustomed to him being with me in almost everything that being alone feels more lonely than ever.
But he came back. I had finished gathering aloe when he came through battling with the Kobolds I had just successfully snuck past. It was all I could do not to just run up to him and hug him simply for coming back! But he said he wants to see what more we can have beyond just a simple friendship. I had hoped he'd say that. Turns out apparently he's not disowned for it either. Of course, it's not like we're getting married or anything, so that might still be something of an issue down the road, but for now, he at least isn't worrying so much about what his family would say. I'm glad. I would much rather him follow his own heart than do something simply for the sake of a tradition. Even if that meant he didn't want me, well... I want him to be happy. The fact that for now he seems to want to be with me just makes things all the better.
-
Not much has been going on in the day to day life lately. Every now and then I'll teach Ben a few new words in Elvish, but I'm not sure he'll ever really speak more than a few phrases, nor do I really care if he does or not. He seems to think that I am teaching him for payment in arrows, but since I never really asked for them, I don't really consider them payment. Mostly, I don't think he needs to be fluent in the language, but if it keeps him from complaining when I teach Aerimor theives' cant, well, that's something right there.
Things with Aerimor seem to be pretty much back to normal. We still spend most of our time together, and our friendship has definitely strengthened from our new level of relationship, but the ease in which we are able to be together is still the same, which is wonderful. The kisses and closeness simply add on to the foundation we had already built up over the few years I've known him now.
Verideth decided to return from Voltrex, seemingly to find Leshariel, though he hasn't found her yet. I guess things didn't go so well with the parents for him either, but apparently neither of them were shunned from the family, even if they were frowned upon. He did seem to be a bit surprised that Aerimor had chosen to be with me, and when I asked him about it he said it was because I had always seemed to want more, while Aerimor remained distant. Well, I don't know, but I suppose that's really not his business. When I asked Aerimor about it he simply said that if it was all my doing, then "thank you".
The snotty noble's name is Lady Saida Rothsford, and apparently, from talking with Jaelle, she is a dangerous enchantress. Other than the shock that Jaelle and I had a conversation that was civil, almost pleasant, well, I was able to get a bit of good information. Apparently Saida earned her title through marriage, not from birth, as she was letting people believe. Her name is actually Saida Peppe'rin, and there are records in Spellguard of when she was on trial apparently. I've spoken to Elly about it, and Elly seems to want to try to gain her trust and see what her intentions are. Condidering this woman has now twice controlled people that I've witnessed, and the second time tried to control Treana into forcing me out of the city, with violence if necessary, well, she is a threat. I don't want to see Elly in danger, but she assures me that she will be fine.
Verideth went and spoke with Saida, and the idiot gave her pretty much his entire family history. Aerimor was angry because we had just warned him about this woman, and now Aerimor is thinking that his younger sister Elenna might be danger due to Verideth's wide open mouth. I sure hope not. The whole thing is stupid. Why someone would care to make my life miserable is beyond me. All over me walking through a fountain? It can't possibly be worth it.
-
It's amazing how much you are aware of how much you love someone when you have to watch them fall in battle... I've seen Aerimor fall too much lately. Luckily he still has not had a meeting with the soul mother that I know of. I hope he never does. He talks of having a family and saving at least part of the world. I hope that I can help him on both accounts... just probably not the best time to start a family quite yet. We never actually talk about it as if it is a real possibility for us anyways... probably for the better. So many people around us are having children these days. Elly's Clarisse, and now Ben's wife is having twins. Though, humans do seem to repopulate like rabbits... and apparently multiples are quite common with them...
I just don't want to have a family and see it ripped apart because we the parents are trying to do some good in the world. I see what happens to Elly's family simply because she tries to make a difference for the better of the world. It puts a strain on her, her family, and scares her children. I'm not sure when the last time she saw Krys was, and I know I wouldn't want to have to be in the same situation as she is. Knowing that Aerimor and I are different from Elohanna and Krysthalien, well, that's one thing, but would it really stop the same thing from happening to our own children? And I was raised just fine without a permanent house, but can I do the same for my own children? Especially if I am out fighting things and trying to help people? I'm not sure I could do both... it would put my children in danger. And yet, if it happens... then what do I do? Do I choose my family over the greater good? Probably... But then would my ability to help others cease because my attention is lying elsewhere? What good would that do?
Perhaps it is best not to worry about such things until the day it becomes an issue. I suppose there is no need to worry about something that has not, and possibly may never happen...
-
I find myself spending a lot of time slipping in and out of shadows lately. Sometimes it seems to be easier just to walk around unnoticed when in large groups. I don't have to speak unless I want to, and I can avoid things better when people don't remember I'm around. Though it is amusing when I do step out and people seem shocked and say something like "Oh, I didn't see you". I also find that sometimes when I'm feelin absent-minded I seem to affect the shadows more than intended... I guess maybe my talents are growing.
Aesthir keeps asking a lot of questions. There's just something I don't trust about him. I feel no need to provide more information than necessary. Also, this is strange, but Jaelle and I seem to have come to an understanding. The animosity is gone. Verideth and his big mouth with no knowledge keep opening up to anyone and everyone. I tried to tell Verideth to stop talking about Jaelle and to stay away from Anne Ravenwind because well, Anne is dangerous. She threatened Elly and her family, and me as well, and Verideth, once again who doesn't have a clue about anything that is going on is always willing to spout off information that most of the time is completely false. Of course, big surprised, he didn't listen to me, he got upset, and he left. He always needs to go off and pout whenever anyone says anything he doesn't like. What an idiot. And he thinks sun elves are superior to everyone else? Well, he must be the exception.
Things with Aerimor are still beautiful and we grow closer every day, I think both of us envisioning what kind of a future we might have together. Though I worry sometimes that his new forms are affecting his personality more than he would like to admit. He is quicker to anger, and he reacts more strongly against things that used to not affect him at all. After he's spent a long time in certain forms he has a more difficult time adjusting back to his normal personality. Most of the time I don't think others see it, but I do. I hope that his path does not change him into something that neither of us can live with. I never want to have to fulfill the promise I made to him and silence him if he ever turns completely... If I did, I might as well kill myself as well.
-
I think I need to go find Nighteyes. I feel like I'm on the verge of something, I just don't know what it is. Maybe she or one of the others can help me refocus and figure out what it is. Maybe understand this new power surge I'm starting to feel and help to focus it. Also, Aerimor apparently went to help some people in a town recently and ran across a shadowdancer named Iana that was a medusa and was turning people to stone for some sort of collection of sorts. I hate hearing about people who do what I do that are using their powers for evil. I don't know how she managed to make herself look like an elf instead of a medusa, but that is beyond my powers. Even still, I've always known that there was a darker side to this ability, but I prefer to use it for defense. Even still, it is looked at with skepticism and even by some, fear. I don't know if I will ever change their opinions by my own actions, but I hope to try.
-
It really is amazing... you mention to yourself a need to find more instruction, and well... suddenly she appears before you out of shadows. I met the infamous Lalaith Va'lash. I guess one of those ask and ye shall recieve type of moments. She seems to be pretty down to earth. Actually fairly easy to talk to, regardless of how everyone seems to hold her in awe. Another elf, but far more skilled at dancing with shadows than I am, but that is to be expected. She never removed her hood, but then I wouldn't expect her to. She did start to tell me a tale of the Lumbral though. Apparently shadowdancers that were cursed by Bloodstone. Part of the council that sentenced him. She said they were trapped in the sundered lands believed to be sundered by the last Dragon god to leave Layonara. She didn't finish her tale, but she did say that the first time she met them it was by accident, and the second was when they asked her for help. She said they taught her how to stay veiled even from true sight and dragon sight. I asked her if it might be possible that I may learn that some day. She said anything is possible. She told me to seek her out if I got to the point where I could learn no more from Nighteyes. That perhaps by then she would be over the disappointment from training Brian. I can't help but smile at that. I still will go to see Nighteyes if I can find her, but I am very interested in learning more about and from Lalaith...
-
I just can't win for losing... I try to help people and each and every time I end up getting burned in some way. I'm not sure I can take much more of this... and yet I can't seem to walk away from those in need... no matter how much I should. Maybe I just need to try harder. My heart aches. I need a break.
-
I guess a lot has happened recently. I'm not sure where to start, so I guess I'll just go and hope I get it all.
Elgon and I had a falling out. I can't blame Jaelle for it, though I wish I could. Razeriem and Jaelle... I guess Jaelle is pregnant, but whether it is Raz's or not, now I'm not so sure. Either way, Razeriem was heartbroken over the loss of Jaelle so I went to her to try to get her to see him, and she refused trying to say that it would be better for him if she did. I think it's a load of bull droppings, and I tried to tell her so. Elgon got upset with me because I wasn't going to be easy on her like everyone else was. She's stronger than that, and I'm not going to baby her. Well, Elgon and I got in an argument, and he said some harsh words to me, calling me cruel, etc. Saying that I was ruining all his efforts to make Jaelle feel better about herself. Whatever... I told Jaelle she should follow her heart to whatever ends and I left. I couldn't take any more insults and accusations from Elgon. A few days later I went with Aerimor and a lot of other people, Elgon included, to help a farmer whose livestock had been being stolen in the middle of the night. We camped out in the barn to see what happened. Elgon transformed into a boar so that he would put himself as bait. Well, it worked sort of, and sort of didn't. He was very badly beaten, almost to death, and even though I was angry with him, I still care about him as a friend and I was not about to stand by and watch him bleed to death. I did what I could to help him, and Aerimor.. or someone else healed him with their magic. He was a bit shaky, but he said he remembered what the beast smelled like, and it had fur. So we followed it, and found a cave. But inside the cave, along with so many decaying bodies and carcasses, was Zain.
He was hurt and unconscious at that point. My heart went out to him, and I decided, even though the others thought it was foolish, that we needed to bring him out of the cave to help him. They kept telling me that he could be the monster. Well, they ended up being right, but Zain is still a little boy. He did transform into a werewolf, and he did attack me. I don't remember much of the attack, but he did not take my life. I guess he ran, and I guess he fought others while he was trying to run away. We found him later, terrified, and he called me Momma, and begged me to help him. Werewolf or no, he is still a child. We sought help, and were directed towards a man named Harigan at the library on Voltrex. Harigan put Zain into some sort of stasis or something. He's not able to change or react. He is still alive, but not responsive. I was angry at Harigan at first. I thought he meant to kill Zain, or to hurt him in some way. He said he wanted to take him to study him to figure out a way to kill his sire, and I refused to let him go without me. I promised him that I'd try to help him and keep him safe.
So I have been doing so for a while now. Harigan kept his word, and I continue to try to keep mine. He said he would not harm Zain, and he would do everything he could to try to save him, but I could not interfere with his methods. Now that I have watched him for some time, I know that his intentions are indeed good, but it is so hard to watch my small little boy go through so much pain... and even harder to watch him transform into such a terrible monster whose only thought is to kill and destroy. The more I watch it the more my heart feels like it is shattering to pieces.
I needed a break, and Zain was safely in stasis for a while, so I went to see Aerimor. After such a long time separated from him, I am not suprised at the night we had under the stars up at the watchtower. My tension was able to melt away for a few hours as I lay with my love. I don't regret the actions of that night. But the consequences might be more than I can handle right now.
We have to kill the werewolf that made Zain. Harigan says it's the only way to save him. I'm trying to get a group together now that is willing to take the risk, and the very slight chance of success... to save my boy... who I have come to think of as my own son.
I told Aerimor I wanted to adopt him if he is cured. He didn't take it well. I feel he is losing his battle with the will of his forms. He had me read his journal. While I was gone, he died twice, both time paying the price to the soul mother. Once again my heart is breaking. My love is losing his battle and I'm losing him in the process. He has never been so cruel to me. And now, by the way that I've been feeling lately, I'm afraid for the possibility of our own child, as well as the child I have come to love as my own. I tried to tell Aerimor that I thought I might be pregnant, but he was so angry that I was worried he might not take it well. He started to say something, but then received a message from Ben asking for help because his wife was in labor.
I don't even really want to get into what happened at the birth. The whole event was terrifying to me. Everyone came through just fine, and I suppose Lee did wonderfully, but there was so much screaming, and so much pain... the thought of having to go through that myself. No, I'm not ready. I knew I wasn't ready. I told Aerimor I wasn't ready, and I tried to prevent it, but with everything that has been going on, I guess I forgot.
Afterward, Aerimor and I went to our spot in Haven, and we talked. I told him what was going on, and he admitted that he was not doing well in keeping his forms in check. He said he would try harder, because he realized that even human children deserve the best, and that he would do what he could to help me raise Zain once we, hopefully, can cure him. When I told him about the possibility of our own child, he seemed more determined to win his internal battle. With his renewed determination, now I'm not sure if it would be better for us to have a child of our own or not. I'm still not ready. I had planned on waiting another century before having children.
Maybe I'm not. Maybe it's just nerves. Maybe it's because I haven't had a decent reverie in weeks. Maybe I feel so tired and ill because my nerves are shot, my heart is broken, and I have to watch those I love be torn apart, quite literally, by internal monsters, again and again and again.
Aerimor said I need to talk to someone who knows how to tell. I'm afraid to. I'm hoping it'll all just be a bad dream. But if it were able to heal Aerimor... would it be so bad?
-
*Tears stain the page and the handwriting is shaky*
There is no baby. Aerimor is gone. He seemed to be handling it alright, but then he started talking to something that I couldn't see... and then he snapped. He pushed me away and told me to go and then ran off away from me. I found his path of destruction afterward. He killed Elly and Jaelle.
He's not Aerimor anymore. He left me and now all I have is his panther form. He asked me to kill him. He said he doesn't want to hurt anymore. Then he just left, hidden away somewhere inside this large cat.
Oh my head aches... though it is nothing compared to my heart. I tried to drink it away, to numb myself away from this unbearable pain. It came back. Raz... and Jaelle... I remember them, but not much. It's not fair.
or maybe I deserve this. I never should've said I didn't want it. Now it's caused so much trouble. So much hurt for so many people. And I've lost the one I love most.
At least I don't need to walk in the eyes of those who know my failure to Aerimor. If he can hide inside a cat, I can hide inside my shadows.
I just have to save Zain now. He's all I have left.
-
There is still no sign of Aerimor inside this large cat that continuously follows me around. I know it's him, even if vaguely, in body, but the elf that I love is not there. Jaelle continues to weave her web of trickery. She helped me, almost made believe that perhaps she might have some good in her, and then the next time I saw her she was back to the old evil, heartless Jaelle. I don't know why I keep falling for it. She has everything that I have lost, and yet she refuses to even attempt to appreciate it. I know she wants revenge on Aerimor, but no one believes me when I say that it wasn't him that did those awful things. It's not his fault. It's mine. I knew he was losing control. I made him a promise that I would never let him hurt anyone. I failed. I pushed him to the edge with pain and grief and remorse, and then I let him go. The fault is not with him, it's with me. If they want to kill someone, they will not be killing him without going through me first. But if they really wanted the one responsible, they would be able to stop there. I'd kill myself if I thought it would do any good. They want his blood now. As long as I have life in me, they will not get it.
Verideth says he just needs time. That he hasn't left me. He doesn't understand that the eyes that look up at me are not the eyes of my beloved. The only difference now between Aerimor and Zain is that Zain's other form is pure evil, while Aerimor's other form is relatively harmless. But both are beyond my power alone to save. I've put up a notice for help in the cause to kill the werewolf, but since this unfortunate incident with Aerimor, I'm not even sure that people will be willing to help me.
If Zain dies, or is unable to be saved, my ties to this world will be gone. Aerimor obviously doesn't love me enough to come back to me. My heart is gone, and what is left is an empty aching hole. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Harigan has offered encouraging words, and I keep trying to focus on saving the life of the one I still have hopes of someday trully being my son, even if I have to raise him alone. The few moments I get to be with him when he is awake, although they tear at my heart, or what is left of it, are all I have to look forward to. Someone who still needs me. Someone who still depends on me for something. The only thing I have to live for. If it weren't for the need to be available for people to find me, and to find those that might be willing to help to save him, I would never leave this castle until I can leave with him.
-
*handwriting is very shaky*
I'm staying with Zain. I'll only leave him so that I can find those who are willing to help to save him. He's all I have now.
-
Zain seems to have his good days and his bad days. On his good days he is able to talk with me during those brief moments we have together, and I am able to tell him that when this nightmare is over he can come home with me and I will teach him how to use a bow and arrow and how to fish and hunt just like my foster father taught me. He seems to like the idea, even if it is just to imagine that these days of horror and pain will end someday. But on his bad days he is barely able to eat or drink and does nothing but shake and whimper in my arms as I am barely able to comfort him at all.
Nothing compares to the days that are the worst though, when the beast's rage is so prevalent in him that I worry that he will not win this fight, or be able to hold on long enough for us to find a way to save him. I can't fail him. I made him a promise. I failed to keep my last promise, I will do everything in my power to keep this one. If I can't...
-
I've managed to get a few people willing to gather silver to make the coatings for the weapons of anyone that is willing to go fight this werewolf. There seem to be more willing to offer their help than I expected. I don't know how much we'll need, but I keep trying to gather as much as possible. Even Iradril has offered his time, and even though I am still nervous about him being a dark elf, I cannot manage to turn away help for Zain, from anyone. I finally even saw what Steel looks like under his hood, and now I have no idea what he is. But once again, I cannot turn away help.
I finally had a fight with Aerimor. I just got so angry at him. He's still being so selfish, so hostile, and he's keeping everything to himself. He says he wants to find his balance, but instead all he does is complain about how weak he is now that he is restricted to his elven body. He's totally missing the point. I hit him, I pushed him. Finally I just lost it. He held me while I cried, but still, there was none of his old tenderness that used to be there. I fear I have lost my love forever. I keep trying to reach him, but the more he shuts me out and withstands my efforts the more angry I get with him.
Drexia offered to help him by teaching him some centering meditations, and I hope he'll at least try it. He has refused help by everyone else so far. He said he'd try. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it works.
-
I'm afraid to leave Zain at the moment, but I know I'll have to just to further the efforts that I've started. Apparently there is a man that is looking for him, saying he is his uncle, but Jaelle said he would not take her hand, which bears a silver ring. Yes. Jaelle. I'm so sick of this woman and her changing her views on whether she is going to help me or hurt me. If I could be rid of the woman forever it would not hurt my feelings. But at least she decided to warn me of this new threat.
I know I've grown so bitter, but I just can't seem to get out of it. Aerimor is still distant, of his own choosing. And Razeriem decided to tell me that I was right all along. He is the father of Jaelle's child. I shouldn't have said what I said to him, and I'm actually surprised he didn't slap me, but I just couldn't help it. I can't be happy for him. Not right now. Maybe some day, but that child that that woman carries eats away at my soul right now.
Shiff died. I should be sad about it, but I am numb. All the world seems to have fallen into darkness again, even though the skies are still light. Perhaps it is not like this for everyone, but my days are bleak. I have little to look forward to, and the few hopes that I do have are so scarred with fear and worry that I am afraid to put too much faith in hoping to see things turn out to a good ending.
I almost got through to Aerimor. I told him that I needed him to try to get himself back together if he ever wanted us to be able to try to have another child some day. I saw one single little spark of something that might've been real emotion, but then he slammed it shut again. Shut me out again completely before he just walked away from me. I'm not sure that we will ever have a child together. I don't think he wants to. Honestly, though I hate to admit it, I am starting to realize that he really doesn't want me back. He may stay around for the few years that I take to raise Zain as my son, but he is nothing but a shell right now, and I do not see him staying with me once his "duty" is fulfilled. My heart will go with him though. I have no use for it without him.
-
Elgon wants me to go with him to spy on his sister. Apparenly Sil might have started something that Elgon has to stop or turn her in or something. He was being very very secretive about it, and wouldn't give me any further information. He just said he needed a witness just in case.
Also, Aerimor admitted that he still loves me. He just keeps that part of him locked up. So... pretty much, he knows he's hurting me, and he's doing it on purpose. Gee, that's nice.
-
Aerimor is gone. He turned himself in at Ft. Vehl as per Elly's husband's demands.
I hope seeing him then, and saying goodbye is not the last time I ever see him.
-
I've been to see Aerimor. I went to see him and talked with him to a while, we talked about a bit of gossip, and then we talked about if he ever gets out of there. I don't want to think about what will happen if the Rofies get to do what they want with him. They'll probably kill him. And I don't think he'd come back to the bindstone after that death.
I went to see Elly. It's her worthless husband that's put Aerimor in there in the first place. Or well, I guess the one who told him to go. He's so upset about Aerimor killing his wife, well, you know what?! I'm upset about it too, but I didn't LEAVE her and the kids for over a year while someone else had to take care of his children. Oh wait, that was Aerimor that took care of his family for him. I guess he doesn't want to remember that part. I know Elly doesn't want Aerimor to be executed. I don't think she even wanted to press charges. She said she'd look into some things. She said she thought something was missing and that things were a bit fuzzy, so she wanted to maybe do some divinations or scrying or whatever it is she does
So then when I went to see Aerimor again, Elly was there. She was really upset about something. Then she tried to say that she thought she was the one who killed Jaelle, not Aerimor. Aer of course wouldn't believe that. I'm not sure I do either, but someone better figure out what the hells happened before Aerimor gets tried for something he might not have done after all.
I tried to convince Aerimor just to leave. He doesn't need to be in there. He's already been tried, and punished, and there is no reason to go through it again. They wouldn't be able to stop him and they wouldn't be able to find him if we got him far enough away from the city. He hates the cities anyways...
He wouldn't go.
-
Things just don't seem to get much better do they? I met this woman named Kali, and apparently she hates Jaelle as much as I do. Not completely surprised in that, anyone in their right mind would see how much damage that woman can do with a blink of an eye. She did this thing with cards to tell me my future or something. I'm still not exactly sure what it meant. She said that in my past I had balance and either I or someone I cared about had a deep connection to nature. Ok, yeah.. that works. Then she said that my current situation was involved with domestic problems, sometimes meaning infidelity, sometimes infertility. I don't know that the miscarriage really meant infertility or not... but I hope she didn't figure out or know somehow about the time I tried to get back at Aerimor by going to Raz... even if nothing did happen... The third card was a very dark looking card with a tower that was covered in shadows. Not that I have ANY problem with shadows, but generally when I see things like that I assume what OTHER people think, not what I think, and I was afraid maybe it was a bad omen or something. Then she told me it was a Shifter's tower. That was creepy. She said something about it meaning change and the beginning of a new cycle or a start of something new. Mentioning shifter and cycle in the same sentence with me doesn't ever sound good. Aerimor always talks about going to cycle and stuff... that would mean he died and did not return to the bindstone.
Oh, and Raz is probably going to convert over to being a Misty because he thinks that she killed him so that he could save his child from being a vampire. I think he's an idiot but then what do I know? Mist ignores me and Aeridin stole my child before it could take it's first breath. I'm not much for gods, but I'm starting to hate them more and more with each passing day.
-
Zain's condition is getting worse. We will need to find the creature soon I fear or he won't survive. I received word that the construction on the house that Aerimor and I purchased is ready to get underway and the list of materials needed, so I have something else to occupy my mind while my heart is torn between my two loves who are both in need. I can only hope that if I can get the house moved and fixed that maybe I will finally have my family together... at last, and safe. I went to see Aerimor again, and he said they are finally getting around to setting a date for his trial. I will try to be there, if Zain is stable that day. I can only hope that I will be able to help him in some way. I need him back. I need his strength at my side as I fight for the life of my... hopefully our... son. I just hope that Aeridin didn't take away one child from me only to grant me another and then have him die as well. I can only hope that he isn't that spiteful. I've been without family for too long now. I found one in Aerimor, and he is removed from me now. I only hope that the balance that Aerimor believes in realizes that I am off balance without him, and that they return him to me.
-
Aerimor is back. After a long trial where we had to stand around and hear everyone's side of things I guess they decided to kill Aerimor and make him take a risk with the soul mother. Surprisingly, she was more merciful than the stupid Rofireinites. I couldn't stick around for the verdict. That healer, Reus or whatever his name was... I swear he must've slept with Jaelle or something. He was asking his god for forgiveness. Probably because he did something so that the so-called truth magic he did on her was bogus and that way she couldn't be punished for telling a lie. I keep saying the laws are stupid and there again is a prime example of why. Stupid people who will change the laws around for anyone they feel like it and then "claim" that they are obeying the law. Yeah, whatever.
Even still, I"m glad he is free again, though things are not at all how they used to be. He keeps trying to get me to go run with him or something. I don't have time for stuff like that anymore. Running doesn't solve Zain's condition. Running doesn't change the past. Running doesn't build the house faster. I don't know how he can seem so calm when things are the way they are. I don't understand how he can sit there and tell me everything will be alright. Things haven't been alright for a long time, and there is no end in sight that I see. At least he's not trying to tell me to have faith though like Elly was. Elly's going to get herself killed for her stupid faith. After all she's been through for Aeridin, I don't see how she can be so blind to realize that her god doesn't care about her unless it's just to care to cause her pain. That's all I've ever seen her get out of her so-called faith. Unlike Aerimor though, I don't think Elly could survive being executed for killing the wench. If she does, well, let's just say Jail better be watching her back for the rest of her life, because I will make sure that she pays over and over again, until her soul does not return again to curse the world with her presence. The world would be better off without her. I may want to kill a child's mother, but then maybe Raz might be a force for good in that kid's life rather than her growing up to be just like her stupid wench of a mother. Maybe I need to talk to Kali. She at least seemed to hate Jaelle as much as I do. I know one thing though. If I were able to succeed in a plan against her there is no way I would have witnesses and I would not feel remorse nor would I feel guilt. And you better believe I would not be stupid enough to hand myself over to the *expletive* Rofies.
-
The only peace I seem to be able to find is when working with gems... It's as if I can shut out the world while working, and manage to create something beautiful before I can open my eyes to the world once more and the pain and suffering and desolation and bitterness returns. Yes, I know I am bitter. I know that I am no longer the person that I was only a few short years ago. Aerimor is back with me, but things are not the same. I was a fool before, always seeing that things could be good with just the right amount of help. I was wrong. I helped people out when I thought they needed it, and most of the time, that help was either pushed away or taken for granted. When I actually ask for help myself, who comes to my aid? No one. People are all too busy with their own problems to help me out, no matter that I helped them with theirs before no questions asked. Aerimor is trying I guess, but I don't think we know each other anymore. It's like living side by side with a stranger who looks like someone I used to love. I think I still love him, and he assures me that he loves me, probably more than he needs to, but I'm not certain anymore. If I open my heart up it hurts to much. It's better to just keep it closed.
Zain shows no improvement and his good days... I can't remember the last time he had a good day. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I should just go ahead and kill him to save him the rest of his pain. Perhaps when I decided to help and protect him rather than letting him be killed, I was doing him the most harm. I simply wish that I knew that there was a real chance of saving him. If there was, I would still do whatever I could to save him. I promised him. But I fear that if we ever do save him, my heart will be lost. I don't feel love anymore. I guess I can only hope that Aerimor can show him the love that he deserves. Humans don't live that long, and even though I have a good long time to try and feel again, I'm not sure if it will be fast enough to be fair to Zain. Aerimor seems to think that after Zain is cured, and he shows no doubt that he will be cured, that we can all just take a break from the world and things will be just fine again. Now who is the fool? He keeps talking about me like I'm not in the room though, and it annoys me. If you want to talk about me as if I'm not there, well, at least wait until I've pulled the shadows around me so that you THINK I'm not there.
Aerimor seems to have found some sort of religion while he was locked up, though not really. He has decided that there are no gods, that they are just aspects of different things in nature. Well I think there are gods. I just want no part of them. I think they are spiteful and think that we are pawns for them to play with, and I will continue to curse them. Someone has to be responsible for the things that happen here, and if most people want to give the gods credit, then sure, they can bear the blame.
-
Aerimor and I had a talk. He said he needs to know if I will give him a second chance. If I believe that the two of us have another chance with each other, a chance to be together. I told him I don't know. I couldn't make any promises. I don't want to lose him again, but when I try to think about what we had. What he meant to me... it hurts. I don't want to hurt anymore. He said he still believes that Zain has a chance. That we'll be able to save him. If that chance happens I will of course do everything in my power to save him. I made him that promise, and I will protect him and fight for him until the end. But I need the end to come soon.
Elly found us, and she said she wanted to talk to me. She said that she was sorry and that she knew I was mad at her. I lied and said I wasn't. Apparently I was at least convincing enough. They were both surprised, but they believed me. It's not that I'm just mad at Elly though. I'm mad at Elly, and Aerimor, and Storold, and Tod, and everyone else. I'm mad at the world. I'm mad at myself. I hate Jaelle. I'm mad that this all happened. Elly thinks that I'm upset that the one time Aerimor wanted her to be there for me she wasn't. But what they don't understand is that EVERYONE was either not there, or didn't care.
Except for Elgon. As much as Aerimor blames him. He's probably the only one I don't. Yes, we fought. Yes, we've had our problems, but when it mattered. The only time it mattered. When I needed him, he was there. He was there to call the person I loved to be near me. Aerimor may think that Elgon shares blame in all that has happened, but surprisingly, even to myself, I don't. I don't hate him, I'm not angry with him... he was the one that was there for me.
-
Well Aerimor and I are still fighting it seems. I've been having talks with Gala, and teaching her a little about what I know about shadows, and she's been letting me talk out some of the things that have happened and try to deal with them, and try to move on a bit. Aerimor doesn't seem to want to accept that. He wants me to go back to being the idiot I used to be who helped everyone and never got anything in return. The idiot who got walked all over because of it. I don't want to go back to being that person. It never got me anywhere. Aerimor thinks that it got me him, that he's fighting against me because he's fighting for me. He says that he loves the person that I was and the person he thinks I can be again. All that tells me is that he never really loved me. I've loved him throughout all his changes. Even when I hated him, I still loved him, and yet, he can't seem to do that for me. He thinks that I've stopped caring. I haven't stopped caring, I've just realized that there are some people who deserve it and many many more that don't.
-
Wow... I had to dust this thing off since it's been so long I haven't even looked at it. I guess things have been a bit busy. What, with helping Zain learn a few things here and there, and recently going to pay a visit to a Shadow dragon, Shadrixkayl, the Deepening Dark. Oooooh... I wish I could do what that Dragon can do. Aerimor wasn't too thrilled when I finally told him. I don't know what he expected. If I had told him I was going he'd have probably talked me out of it, and it was something I actually wanted to do. He gets mad at me if I don't do stuff, but when I want to do something like this I'm not sure he understands why. Umm... let's see... I fit the description that Steel offered? And then when I found out what we were going to do... of course I was going to go! I think he finally understood when I told him that we were trying to find information on how to defeat the Green Dragon Cult, but with him it's hard sometimes.
Aerimor asked me to go out with him to Wolfswood Forest on an outing. So I figured I might as well. It'd been a while since we've been adventuring together. Mostly because everytime he wants to go out and fight undead, and those vampires are just plain creepy. I can't really seem to hit vital organs to kill something that isn't really quite alive. So turns out he wanted to help the Baroness of Green or whatever her name was. We went and saw a druid who gave us a weird stone. I'm still not really sure what the stone did because it never really seemed to do... well, anything. But we went down into the deep by treewalking, killed some bugs and a really huge leech. We found this place though and there was a couple horses there, a white one and a black one and a mirror and some other thing that was inside some form of barrier. Well Hjalmar, the Mistite that thinks he's a Toranite, kept telling us not to touch anything, so I figured, ok, I'll touch it. I touched the black on. It looked just like the one I saw for a moment while we were down with the Deepening Dark. Nothing happened, I just realized how much I really really really don't like Mistites. Honestly I probably could've killed him if it weren't for that blasted true sight. Watching him look at me even while concealed in shadows only made me hate him more. I still wonder sometimes if I could've killed him, but when I walked away from the horse the actual real desire to kill him went away. I guess it was too much trouble. So he started spouting off on how I shouldn't touch anything, saying things to Aerimor about me being crazy and acting like I was infected or something. Gah!
Aerimor... oh I love that crazy elf. Hjalmar said I was acting like I wanted to kill him so Aerimor dismissed him because I didn't do anything. So while he was trying to figure out what happened to the human... he passed out or something... I figured I'd check out the white horse. So I did. Once again, the Mistite couldn't seem to deal with that. I really do think he must be a Toranite in disguise or something. I don't know about that white one. It was like a contradiction. It felt good, but sooooo very wrong at the same time. I guess it's the same as the black one felt. But at least the black one didn't make me feel sick to my stomach like that white one did. I told them if they were going to get rid of one of them, they should kill the white one. Looking back on it now though it was kind of weird. They were balanced with each other, and even as crazy as things are, balance is generally a good thing. Each one of them had something good about them and something not so good. And I guess the something good and not so good was opposite on each one. I dunno.
So I looked around and they're all freaking out telling me not to touch anything else. Well you know what? I was only there for something interesting to do, and I get tired of people telling me what I can and can't do all the time. There was a big swirly orb in the middle of the room, so I touched that.
After I touched it it was like I was in somebody else's memory. Kind of like a reverie that wasn't mine. I saw a field of the white horses and a mare giving birth. And the sky was dark. And I think Storold was there. I tried to talk but it was garbled like if I wanted to talk to a fish under water. I tried to look for Storold but then I was looking at a huge pile of bodies piled up like wood, and they were burning. All different sorts of races, just dead. I don't know whose memory it was, but I remember them feeling excited crazy happy about the distruction I was watching. I tried to move but I couldn't. Then I heard some singing though. It reminded me of Zain, and Aerimor, and my home. I felt myself pulled away as I went back to look for them. Then I woke up.
Well Annalee was the one that was singing. I never realized she was a bard before. Never really heard her say much of anything before that trip to be honest. But I guess I should be thanking her for taking me out of that swirly thing. She figured out that it was Acacea and Storold that were trapped in there, and she did something with Pyyran to try to get them out the same way that she got me out. I guess it worked. The two horses and the mirror disappeared and the swirly thing went quiet. Aerimor said there was more disturbance but he wasn't sure if it was there or because we were so close to the temple of the dark elf god.
So we went back up the way we came and the old elf that sent us there. Not the Baroness person, but a different old elf. THe on that gave us the rock. I can't remember if I said that before, I guess I'll have to go back and check. He told us what the horses were.
All this stuff about horses reminds me... I went over to Dregar and talked to that rude horse dealer that always treated me like I was some insignificant youngster. Well, he had this horse that I'd talked to before. Yes I know I don't ACTUALLY know how to speak a horse's language, but we kind of understood each other I guess. He had a quiet grace that just sort of fit me. Well I finally convinced the horse dealer to sell me the horse. Of course, then he tried to cheat me and charge me too much for him, but I guilted him into letting me have him for cheaper since he had been so rude so many times before. Shadowflame and I went through a couple... ok, more than a couple names for him, but I do think that he likes his name now. We've been all over Mistone together now. I was right too, he can be so quiet in woods when we travel through that we dont' disturb the birds. Aerimor's glad I made friends with a horse he says, as long as I take care of him. Of course I'll take care of him! Zain seemed to like him too. I've been letting him ride Shadowflame every now and then and we've been out riding together before. Zain's a lot bigger than I am now, but he's really good about being quiet. I know Aerimor doesn't like my parenting style, but Zain and I understand each other. He said he wanted to be a ranger like my father was. I really need to take him over to the Wolfswood company and see what they think, but so far Aerimor's been working with him. He's good with him in spite of being a bit rigid. I think it's just left over from being locked up for so long, but Zain's been working on getting him to relax, and Neanana's even started telling jokes! Granted they're terrible, but they make me and Zain laugh anyways. I do think Aerimor's finally decided to accept Zain truly as his own son, even though he's a human. It makes me glad to know that he does care for him that much. I don't know, maybe we'll try again someday for our own children. In the meantime we've got our hands full.
Gala's still teaching me about Beryl, and I have to admit if she likes my style, I kind of like hers too. I don't plan on going and joining the clergy or anything, but she's alright. I think I'll keep her. She's probably the only god I know of that's not quite so nutty.
-
Raz came back. He wasn't dead after all.
He came up to me while I was working the fields in front of our house, and took me a bit before I was able to guard myself again. He kissed me. I don't know why, maybe to prove something.
But then a few days later Aerimor came home. He died again. He lost another piece of his soul. He's going to leave me too.
The pain is starting to creep in on me again, and I don't know that I can take it.
I...
I spent the night with Raz.
I didn't mean to. It just sort of happened.
And now I don't know whether I want to tell Aerimor everything, confess everything I've been holding back, or if I want to keep it a secret. It won't happen ever again. If I tell Aerimor, will he just leave me now? Or will he do something stupid and crazy again like the last time I gave him bad news?
I don't know what to do.
But if Raz gets me pregnant I'll have to kill him.
-
I should've just stopped while I was ahead.
I swear Raz could be Aeridin's poster child.
Aerimor was angry, but as always, he's still here. Though I never thought he'd have such a mean streak in him to ask for what he said he wanted. He wanted me to conceive. He wants the child. He wants to raise it as his own, and therefore I guess take what he feels is rightfully his. I guess it's fair for him. Me, I don't want the constant reminder, but I think Aerimor thinks that is just a bonus. If I could keep any real food down I'd probably feel better, but I feel terrible.
After I told Raz what Aerimor's decision was, we went to a crypt with a bunch of others. Raz said he wanted to kill things. Instead, he died. I saw the soul mother take care claim on him.
They all want me to feel something. Something to fill in the empty shell.
Why does it have to be filled in with this?
-
I am ready to stay in the house forever after that trip...
I know that Sala healing me, restoring me and the baby was a good thing, but I think it might have given me a false sense of... something. I don't think I've been so terrified for my life and the life of another since...
since I was trying to save Zain.
I felt like kicking myself all yesterday for even being talked into going. "Oh, it'll be fine Miss Alatriel, it's not nearly as dangerous as the last place we went, you'll be just fine" And then of course when we're on our way, but not yet there, Abiorn has to look at me and say "Are you sure you want to go? Hmm... well just protect yourself, aye?" No I wasn't sure I wanted to go!
And Ami... I think someone needs to sew that girl's mouth shut. She got me in so much trouble for being seen with Raz. And we weren't even doing anything wrong! Aerimor's mad because he says I'm hiding things from him. Well, maybe I am, but it's just to keep him from being mad, right? I mean, what he doesn't know, can't hurt him right? Sure... until Ami opens her big fat mouth!
*some indiscriminate elven curses scribbled*
I was pretty tired when we came back... and I swear... the more I hear people talk about how great dark elves are... they need to go to the deep and ask them to tea. Then at least they'll shut up. That's about the only good thing about that whole dang trip. We got a lot of dark elves... LOTS of them... and I just hope they stay dead.
Oh... and I got a really nice bow, even if it's a longbow, and some mithril to eventually make some clothes with.
But I think I'll wait until I don't have to let them out all the time before I make those to fit me.
All these alterations are expensive.
-
Ok... so, my house-bound-ness lasted all of about a week and a half and then I couldn't take it anymore. No more deep... but the rift seems easy enough when I go with the Angels or if Sala goes along. Apparently the baby and I still aren't all that healthy, but each time Sala heals us it seems to help at least for a few days. I wonder sometimes if this baby was not supposed to make it. Or maybe if the baby that I lost before could have made it had there been a cleric around keeping watch as Sala has been doing.
I hate to admit it, but I've been having trouble dodging fire attacks. I never used to have trouble with that, in fact I prided myself on being able to jump out of the way even when I only saw it coming at the last second. I've gained so much weight! I must weigh at least 10 stones heavier than before! My clothes are starting to get tighter, and I wonder if I'll ever be able to move the same way as I could before ever again.
I get out of breath a lot. Some days are better than others, but on the long trips after a lot of running around I'm so tired, but... last time I complained about it Sala said I might have to stay home for a while until after the baby's born. So maybe if I just quit telling her when I don't feel well she won't make me stay home... or around town. Eh... she'd probably know anyways.
I've been home the last few weeks. Haven't been feeling all that well again. Mostly just tired, and some soreness. I figure maybe it's just better to stay around town for a while... so that I can go back out again the next time there is a journey planned. I don't want to be left behind anymore. But I do think if I do something to harm the baby.... alright, I think even that is beyond me. I hope no one ever realizes that I thought about sacrificing it at one point to get rid of this shadow mark. Ok... now I'm going to have to burn this page....
I don't want to now, but the shadows keep attacking and they're getting worse and more frequent. If someone doesn't sacrifice someone soon they're going to get their sacrifice by force. I don't want to be the one to lose someone. I'm not the one that did anything wrong. Figures other people go and do something stupid and crazy and I have to pay for it. I would never betray a shadow... and especially not a shadow dragon. Stupid crazy idiotic adventurers....
-
*handwriting is shaky*
The shadow attacks keep getting worse. Aerimor says he's going to do something about it, make all of us draw straws. and if I draw the short straw, he's going to take my place and be sacrificed instead. I think he's an idiot. I don't know that it would really work.
I'm terrified though. And I hate it when Jaelle is right.
According to her I need to hire someone capable to protect me. I don't know anyone more capable than Aerimor, but he's not always around. Other than that... I don't know who. But the one that attacked us in the troll caves was bad. I think it almost killed Gala. And the one that attacked me in the crafting halls... I'm afraid to go out in public without the aid of my own shadow defenses. If Shadrixkayl figures that out and uses my shadows against me....
we're both dead.
-
No more adventuring for now. I can't do it anymore.
Except that I think my last option is to visit the Deepening Dark again. If the journey doesn't kill us, perhaps I can find some way to get her to remove the mark.
I have to do something.
-
I got a message from Angela and Alantha and apparently they think they might have a possible other solution with another dragon. I don't really have much option other than to hope that this will work. So I will go.
-
*ink is dripped on the page as if the pen was held there for a long time without knowing what to write*
I.......
Aerimor and I are going to the Aeridinites.
If Aeridin really does protect life, then hopefully he'll protect this one.
//Alatriel is not really up to writing journals, at the moment, she is terrified, shaken, and weakened mentally from the attacks of the shadows. After the last attack in Hempstead, she went into premature labor, which was able to be stopped by Sala. Alatriel and Aerimor decided to take her to the Aeridinites in North Point in the hopes that they would be able to protect her, the baby, and the pregnancy, and defend against any further shadow attacks. Waiting on confirmation to make sure that this is alright and that they will in fact help her to whatever means they can actually help either until the baby is born, until the pregnancy is in fact lost, or until the shadow mark is removed one way or another. (or a half a dozen other possible outcomes)
Alatriel is currently approximately 12.5 months pregnant, and if the gestation of an elf is 2 years, she still has a bit of time to go.
-
I think it's almost been a month here. Or... has it been a month? Steel came to visit me. I'm not sure if I'm still angry with him, or not... He actually tried to threaten me, at the same time he said he would help. Once again Jaelle is being pulled into the situation. Though, this time it's for her mentor. According to Steel, Connor may be able to ward, or something, to help protect me from the attacks at least until we can get to see the Golden Emerald. I told Steel that I'd talk to Connor, and accept whatever help he can offer, but I want the list of everyone that was on that trip. Everyone who was marked. If he can't fix this, or if the Emerald won't help us... I want a back up plan. And if I have to get the list myself, I don't care what threats he plans on throwing at me, I will do what is necessary to protect my family. As I have always done. If I have to kill someone for each of my children to live, I'd do it again and again to ensure their safety. If the Golden Emerald won't help, Fisterion will have his sacrifice. I'll find someone.
-
Ben actually came to visit me. I'm kind of shocked. He said he thought I should keep practicing with my rapier, even if I'm off balance. So we did a few drills. He wouldn't take a blade out so that he wouldn't have to worry about accidentally stabbing me in the wrong place. He hit me decently hard once or twice, but a small bruise on the arm is easy to heal, and it's better incentive to learn to block better, and keep myself alert at all times. After we did that for a while, he made me work on some sewing work. Even though Aerimor said I didn't have to sew anymore after I finished the baby blanket. Oh well. I suppose it's better than doing nothing. It keeps my mind a bit occupied honestly. I remember now why I started gemcrafting to begin with. It was something to pass the time while things were bad with Zain. But at least then I didn't keep getting attacked while I was in the crafting halls. I haven't heard anything from Connor, so maybe he didn't get the bird, or maybe he can't or won't help. I still have other options. I'm not finished fighting yet.
-
Meralae Lightbringer. Born Augra 5th, 1444.
I have a daughter.
Not an adopted member of my family. My own flesh and blood. I love Zain... I love Elly and her children. But this is different. I never imagined the difference... the bond... the way I feel when I look at her. It's almost hard to describe. I love her so much it hurts. Like my heart would explode if it tried to feel more. When she looks at me with those bright gold eyes of hers... it's almost as if I can feel that she loves me too. Maybe I'm just imagining it. I'm sure someone will probably tell me that there is no way she could feel like that just yet, and really she only loves me because I feed her and change her and hold her and such... but somehow, knowing that she is my daughter.... it makes all of that worth while. For the first time in a long time, I feel at peace. Sure, I'm exhausted most of the time, but it's different. Aerimor seems to forget most of the time that she is not his daughter by blood and treats her with all the love and care as if she were in truth his. Meralae is a lucky girl. She has two fathers that are absolutely in love with her.
And after finally having a member of my own family... I met someone to remind me of my past. A wildelf named Suriel. Her tribe comes from the northern woods of Mistone. The same as mine. I talked to her a bit. Asked her about her tribe, since mine are all gone... as far as I know. But the strange part about it... Her hair was red. Not the same as mine... mine's still browner than hers, but still... as far as I know, red hair isn't all that common. Suriel mentioned the same. She said she'd talk to her grandmother I think, about any stories she may know about what happened to my tribe. I don't know if I will ever talk to her again.... but I hope so. Maybe just as my future starts to open up with my new family, my children, my loved ones... maybe I'll learn what really happened to my past. Then this peace... maybe it can stick around.
-
Mera is now a year and a half old... apparently I don't have much time to write in this dusty thing anymore...
And I had a very odd conversation with Steel.
Honestly, I think I'm more confused now than before. He threatened to lock me up and steal my daughter before she was even born... and yet he keeps trying to justify his reasoning, regardless... and I'm still angry.
He said some stuff about how there were some people who are shields and protectors and some people are blades. And he said that I was a blade. Stupid Steel... I'm an archer. But yeah, I got his meaning anyways.
He gave me this speech about the things that a blade would do, and what it takes and tried to butter me up saying he saw that I had the strength to do it. I dunno... He handed me a scroll that he called "The Axioms"
I must've read over that scroll now about a hundred times.
There are parts here that kind of stab at me. But there is nothing here I disagree with. Not one single word.
Is that really what I am? A killer?
-
Well I had another long talk with Steel. After reading the Axioms I had a few questions, but mostly there were just things that I needed to talk over with him. At first I thought maybe Aerimor wouldn't approve of me being a "killer" but now, and as I think about it more, maybe he wouldn't really care so much. I mean, I'd be killing for the greater good right? Someone's gotta do it.
One thing that Steel did say, that kind of helps everything else, is that I can't protect, and kill, at the same time. That if my enemy kills people because I haven't killed him yet, those deaths are not my fault. They're the fault of my enemy. I can't protect the people that have died, I can only stop the enemy from killing more people. But I'm no good dead. So... I gather information, I bide my time. I strike when I'm ready. I can do that.
He showed me a statue of a guy that was the one who wrote the Axioms. Apparently he holds the guy's sword in really high esteem. He told me what the sword supposedly did, but I still say it's just a sword. It's not doing anyone any good by being held by a statue. If it's that great of a sword it should be put to use instead of gathering dust. Not to mention is a really ugly sword to begin with. But it makes sense now on Steel's whole "may the wicked's crooked edge be with you" thing. Since...the sword is called Wicked. Whatever. If he wants to worship a silly sword, that's his business. But in the meantime, he said that he could train me to be a better fighter. I've been trying to fight using my Shadow to distract my enemies so that I can hit them in those critical areas without them blocking my attacks. It helps, but even though my shadow has grown in strength as I have grown in knowledge of the shadows, it still has its weaknesses.
Even in knowing that I'm a killer... I don't care what Steel says, I will always protect my family. He says that people will hate me for the things that I have to do. But i'm trying to think of things in terms of who is my enemy, and who I just don't like. When it comes down to that... I don't have that many enemies. Things are simpler. I can focus on one at a time. Maybe Mera will hate me some day for things that I might do. But if I can kill, so that she will be safer, then I'm protecting her.
I've felt so guilty for so long over what I did to Harrigan. I know now that it wasn't that I killed him and that he was innocent. Yes, he protected Zain, and kept him alive. But my enemy was the monster inside of Zain, and that was who I had to kill. Harrigan's enemy was the Prime, but mine was the werewolf blood that was killing my son. I did what I had to do to kill my enemy. I succeeded. Harrigan failed in killing his enemy because he did not withdraw in the face of defeat. I grieved for him long enough. It's time to move on.
-
Well Jaelle and I finally got our girls together. Mera seemed interested in everything, as usual. I think she might start crawling soon. She really does love to blow spit bubbles at people and she's taken to rolling around to get where she wants to go. Aislin seemed a bit... distant. But that seems to be normal to her. I think Mera will be bigger than her in no time. Other than that, I didn't really expect too much I guess. Plenarius came over and joined us, and after listening to Jaelle and I talk for a while about things he probably didn't understand a whole lot of, he decided to tell us a story. I still think he had some sort of hidden meaning he was trying to get across in the story, but heck if I know what it was. He said it was just a story he remembered recently and felt like sharing it.
Oh... And a different time I was talking to Plen, he said something to me, kind of like a confession. Why he would say something to me that was so personal I have no idea. I barely know the guy. He is kind of an odd sort though.
Been working on fighting smarter. I dunno if it is helping at all. Apparently the bandits in Sharawood have gotten ticked that we keep coming back and killing them over and over again since they killed me and let the soul wench take her toll. Well... I dunno exactly what happened, but it didn't help anything. I died again. I still have absolutely no idea what happened. I was there, and then I was just... not. and then I was there again.
I dunno what it was, but I don't want it to happen again.