The World of Layonara
Character Development => Development Journals and Discussion => Topic started by: Aerimor on July 01, 2008, 07:12:54 PM
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*All entries are written in a mix of common and Elven using which ever word is easiest or comes to mind at each time. The hand writting is in large looping beautiful print.*
*Title page reads:* The journal and records of Razeriem Greytree.
*Added later in common:* If this journal is ever found, please destroy or seek Razeriem Greytree for large reward.
I can not belive I am writting in a book. I guess I just need some place to vent or talk to at the moment and both of my friends are upset with me. I do not forsee this journal lasting any length of time, but time will tell.
Where to begin? With my Daughter? With my falling out with Alatriel? Or with my break with Jaelle?
I think Alatriel and I will be on speaking terms again soon enough. She just had the unfortunate job of trying to be a friend and pointing me in the direction of truth. I do not think I took it as well as she hoped and of course when we had a disagreement on what the facts of the issue meant, well that was the end of the discusion for the day. I think she went to make the delivery I asked of her anyway. Her heart is larger than even her chest. Some day she may lose her naive view that she can help people that won't accept it. But enough on her for this entry.
I am afraid I am going to lose what little contact I have with my daughter Lealue. Her mother has been set to marry some shlum she used to like two decades ago. I guess that was the best her father could do on short notice. I have been allowed to visit my daughter as long as it was not too often or too long, but now I think that will be stripped form me. I expect Lealue's mother to collapse to her father's wishes if her new husband is of like mind. And as he has no love for me, I do not forsee him allowing it. I do not think he has ever gotten over my interest in his sister. That was over a decade ago! Anyway this has weighed heavily on my heart and mind and may of set me into motion with the last of the trio of problems before I should of acted.
Jaelle...where to begin? She is the most infuriating , stubborn self-absorbed hypocritical, mixed signal sending pain in the arse I have ever known! She has a dark and treacherous background and history. She is as shifting as desert sands, as easy to navigate as a hurricane at sea.
And despite it all I love the woman. I know she would be nothing but challenging and heart tearing to be with. But she is not evil, just seriously without course and in need of healing. The kind of healing that takes years and costs others there health. I will not say I have fallen for her, as I still have enough self respect to speak up for myself and hence the true trifecta of my woes. I went with her to the island of Mist and ended up back at her place afterward. I now think if the gods to exsist and they do take notice of our affairs that Mist had her hand in the events of that night. Well Jaelle is so beautiful and she is with damaged heart, alas two of my weaknesses. I should of cut it off then and been the hell out of town. But I hung around found out enough about her to pity her. And from the pity grew love and affection. She is good as all the weaves she casts.
After a couple months of being led on and to the brink and then pushed to the rear I finally had enough. I decided to just be a friend and support her from a safe distance. After all I found out she was sick, and while not dying, with great side effects. This course of action lasted all of a week, if that. She confronted me about my distance and a told her true. And even though in the past she spoke of remaining as friends the best course and to my saftey, she once again attempted to pull strings. Accusing me of making her sickness about me, and calling me selfish. I should've walked then, but I had to have the last word. With all the passion she stirs within me, I grabbed her and kissed her. And when she responded in like, confirming the feelings she has for me to everyone but herself, I cut the kiss off and left. I think I said something about looking me up if she could ever admit her feelings.
That is the last we spoke. I was confused and filled with too many emotions to names when I ran into Alatriel. When she asked twice what was wrong I named Jaelle and was ready to leave it at that. Alatriel then asked if it was then true that Jaelle was pregnant with my child?!!! Alatriel and I had a lengthy talk in the back room of the Scamp's. The major things of note that came out were that I do think Jaelle is pregnant, I do not think its mine as I know Jaelle was taking herbs and the dates just do not work out. I think Jaelle got pregnant shortly before running into me and decided to take advantage of her good fortune. She knew me from months earlier and had to know my predisposition to physical beauty. She also must of known I have no worries when it comes to money. I think whoever got her pregnant was not a viable option and when she looked around I was undoubtably the best option available. Good looking enough to be on her arm, well off enough to see to her needs, pre-disposed to children and with an obvious and strong sense of honor to take care of my children. I had to be a savory mark, if I do say so myself.
But even with this betrayal, I can't help but hope she is well. And I pray that the child survives, Jaelle looks worse off than any other mother' I've known. But her in the same breath, if she would've admitted her condition from the begining, I'd still have welcomed her-wouldn't I?
I guess it comes down to the fact is I was wrong. I thought she had changed, that she matured since our last meeting. But clearly is was I who was the fool. The only thing that changed is the level of prefection in which she plays her hands. To be honest with myself, I did fall for her, not Jaelle, but the version of her I created for myself. The version that I wanted to believe could care for another. I pity the child she carries. Maybe it would be best off to ...no I am wrong to think it. The child deserves every chance. Even now, the child being another man's I would take and care for it. When it all boils down it could almost of easily have been mine. Thank all that is good that that is not the case. I can not even imagine the complications if the fate were so cruel. At least now I can cut my losses and move on, that is what dandies are good at. Time I start acting the part. I swear, I'd swear women off, but there is not a chance it would last.
Well this is more than likely my last entry, I just do not see me as the journalling kind. All I did was leave incriminating evidence for others to read. I can not even say I feel any better or have any better understanding after writing this.
~R *Very ornate and large*
Post Script: If something should befall me, let it be known as my last will and testiment that my Daughter Lealue is my sole heir. And should recieve my estate in its entirety, minus any just and due processing and delivery fees.
In my own hand.
Razeriem Greytree.
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I can not believe what I have done! I am surely a hunted Elf now. I ran into Jaelle repeatedly and we made up to some degree. I guess I came to terms with her inability to accept love, her carrying another man's child, and her being a hypocritical hot and cold love. I told her that if she carried her child to term I'd care for it and love it as if it were mine. I told her that I could see in it all of what she could of been. I think this may of won her over. I think she may try to carry the child to term. I found out that she was poisoned with negative energy and it almost claimed the child's life already. She seems to think she is out of the woods now, but the child's life may or may not still be in jeopardy. In any case she does claim to be doing everything she can. I care not to write what else we discussed, they are matters I prefer time clouds for me.
When we parted she acted as a friend and encouraged me to go fight for my daughter, to take her if need be, but in any case to fight for what I love. Hmm I do think she meant Lealue and not her. But with that blasted woman, who knows!!!
I am currently sailing from Voltrex to Mistone as I write this. I have Lealue with me. I left after Jaelle's pep talk and immediatley booked passage to Voltrex. As soon as I set foot there I meet with Lealue's mother. I made an empassioned plea that my visitation not be severed once she marries her husband. She told me she'd talk it over with him and let me know the next day. It was a long and restless night, as well as voyage. When we met the following day, not only she showed up, my her father and betrothed as well.
She said she was sorry but she felt it was not for the best that I was in Lealue's life any longer, that it would just confuse her. I know she was speaking those words to appease her fiance, I know it was her offer of promise and faithfulness to her fiance. But the words ripped my heart asunder.
I do not really remember what happened next. I think I asked to kiss Lealue goodbye and she consented to it over the two other's objections. I then remember then deciding Jaelle was right, that I had to fight now or loose her forver! I remember running away with Lealue in my arms. And I remember Jahrlyn catching up with me near the docks where I was awaiting my ship out....this ship. I know we had harsh words and he pulled a dagger on me; I did not draw my blade, but I do know I hurt him all the same. I think I only broke his jaw, I pray I only broke his jaw. He went down in heap. After pausing long enough to see he drew breath I dashed away to this ship.
Now that my adrenaline has left, and I have had time to think. I cant help but be horified by my actions. I can not believe I took Lea from her mother. I am at loss, and I do not know what to do. I am sure their are people after me even now. That is if they did not send magical communication ahead to have authorties waiting for me as we dock. I know what I did was wrong, but so would be just smiling and walking out of Lea's life without a fight. I need to talk with Alatriel or Jaelle and quickly. I am too close to this and I need help in the worse way. I just really
--I will finish later, if I am able. Lea needs to be changed and feed. And I have no supplies. I am sure I can buy some from the others aboard. I just now realize I do not know how to take care of her. I know about kids, but I've never had to do everything for one. First priority when we dock...If I'm not arrested, is to hire a nanny. I will buy the best in town, as I promised Lea, she will never want for anything
...except her mother?
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I can not believe I am still writing in this journal!
I met with Jaelle and Alatriel and now have a plan of attack. Jaelle just left with a latter I wrote to Tari //Lealue's mother// . The letter is to be delivered to Palin, an old friend, and I think he can get it to Tari without anyone being the wiser. I think with what I wrote she will be willing to meet me without her fiancee, father or authorites. I now wait on her reply. So much rides on it. Lea now sleeps on my lap while I pen this, even if it does not work out, I can not say it was not worth it.
Jaelle and I have an understanding for the time being. We are giving the being friends thing a try. Never thought I'd be willing to try such a cliche arrangment. But point is, I can accept what I can, and if it doesn't work. At least now I'll know I tried it all. I know that she loves me or as close to it as she can experience for now. I can only hope she can grow emotionally fast enough to keep up with the relationship.
As I said, it will be what it will be. No point getting caught up in the details. And at least she doesn't expect me to stop flirting. Although if things were right, I suppose I could at least keep myself to myself, with the proper regular encouragments. I can give her credit there at least, she is not some doe-eyed little girl lost in my bed. With the proper regiment of Raz, she could be something special. Which of course brings up the fact that before she left, I made my feeling known and backed them with a kiss. Seems that was all it took, her resolve melted. And mine was already non-exsistant. It was over two weeks since my last daliance. With that kind of internal pressure built up I think one of those dwarven lasses would of started looking good again. Well one thing for sure, friends or not, she will not forget me anytime soon. And the best part! I know I can not get her pregnant. This may be a new avenue for me to explore!
Today was a good day. A new angle to pursue, and a friendship strength. A friendship with.....benefits.
~R
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Thought I'd write here the follow up to everything that has been going on. I made it back from Voltrex without being arrested! Miracles of miracles, I also retained rights to see Lealue.
Well, Jaelle, Lealue and I set sail for Voltrex, I myself expecting the worse. We wasted time till the meeting time with Tari. And when it came time we were plenty early. Tari was almost as early. Before anything could be said the local law enforcement came bursting in form all sides. I knew it was the end for me; I was just surprised that Tari lied to me about coming alone. Well at this juncture their was nothing to do but surrender so I kissed Lealue and handed her over to her mother, for whom she started crying for as soon as she saw her. I disarmed myself and got taken into custody. Then I saw the man responsible for the law enforcement, Tari's father my old teacher. The man can be cunning! He started yelling for them to take the baby thief away and things were on the verge of disaster for me.
In steps Jaelle to the rescue. I have no idea everything she said but, before ten minutes were up. I was carted out of sight of Tari and her father and left unrestrained. I know she was begging my case; she is very cunning with that tongue of hers. The law men took me back to headquarters and asked me to wait around until Jaelle came to pick me up. But then never locked me up or even said one harsh word. They just wanted to know if Jaelle was with me, of course I said yes with a lewd wink. Sorry guys! An hour or so later, Jaelle comes to gather me, I thought to promise to take me of Voltrex forever. Guys are so easy, they were falling over themselves to give her a hand and gather me up. I am glad I am not so easily swayed by a pretty face.... Alright a very pretty face.
As we were walking out, I started heading towards the docks when she took my elbow and directed me into an Inn. Turns out she managed to get us invited to see Lealue the next day. I am afraid to ask what charms or spells she used, so I didn't. I genuinely thanked her. On the morrow, we met with Tari, her fiancee and ole Master Gryphonwing. All three were sweet on Jaelle, even ole Gryph. He pretended it was all academics and magics, but I've see that look in the mirror enough to not believe it!
By the time mid day meal had passed, I was playing with Lealue, and received permission to visit her whenever I am by. As long as we stay on Voltrex. It's really a shame old Gryph can't forgive me. I think he still likes me down deep.
Our voyage home was very pleasant. Jaelle is always at her most radiant on the seas...when she isn't suffering morning sickness anyway.
I owe her more than I can write here.
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I managed to meet up with Jaelle again. She had matters to attend to after taking off to Voltrex with me. Take my eyes if I speak not true, she was wearing a dress that could start a fire in the Ice caves of Krashin! A beautiful shade of red, setting of her curves, eyes and hair. And the fabric, so wonderful, I considered trying it on!
Umm pretend I didn't write that! Jaelle looked a little rough for Jaelle and I was asking her what was wrong. She was telling me she was killed and almost lost the baby. I was just getting to the bottom of this when Jaelle overheard Alatriel in the room outside.
Alatriel was drunk off her butt and in more sorrow than any one has a right to be. After a long time of prodding. We come to find out she miscarried her and Aerimor's baby. Aerimor flipped out and killed Jaelle and Elohanna. Man this is tough for me, Aerimor almost killed my god child but I do not think anyone was home when it happened. I guess I just hope I do not bump into him, I do not know what I would do. Jaelle seems to think nothing of it and is willing to let bygones be bygones. I do not think I'd be that strong, I even like the taskmaster, he treats Alatriel well, and I still am debating seeing his blood. Back to topic, Alatriel is broken. The sounds she made in her sleep, I was about to start balling in front of Jaelle. Alatriel also apparently has a werewolf child? And its sire has to be killed to free it? I hope she makes more sense in the morning! Jaelle took care of Alatriel, gave her some teas, and brushed her hair. Said all the right things, my mind could not seem to find. It seems all my words lead to trying to get a girl into bed not stop one form crying in it. And let me not even think about that. Jaelle and Alatriel in my bed, together...with me in the room. It could have been soo much better! Poor Alatriel, I do not think even I could make her forget her worries.
Once Alatriel was mostly unconscious, Jaelle and I had a heart to heart. She was weird even for her. The things she raged about and what not. If I did not know I was not the father, I'd think she was struggling whether to tell me or not. Oh well, women? She kept asking me whether I thought the father should know. And when I told her yes, she jumped all over me. When I told her to leave because I was undeserving of her outrage, she calmed and apologized. And then she admitted she was scared. That would be like expecting to hear me say I'd like to wear animal hides. I calmed her and told her I still loved her even if she was afraid and that it would be alright. She then began another round of what should the father's rights be. I finally seemed to get some answers at the end. She admitted that the father still loved her. Not that I can blame him, I just hope he is thick skinned! And then she admitted that she still cared for him as well. Guess I should have figured. That explains why we don't end up in bed every night. She is still trying to be faithful. I wish I could say I'd back off, but he has to know what he is getting into. And if he doesn't better he find out now.
After that blow, that she loved another over me, well between that and Alatriel's whimpering in her sleep on the bed in the room we were in, that even killed my desires. She said she still cared, and once again granted me permission to think of this man's child as my god child. I just let it go and told her to take care of that dress or hers and be careful if she wore it around me again. That was our glorious good bye.
I'll hold true my promise to her. I'll be there for the child if she is unable. And I will care for her always. I owe her so much for saving my butt from jail and working it out so I can still see Lealue.
~R
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I guess you are turning out to be the friend that is always there for me Journal. Hmmm, if I am to keep you, you need a name. Journal will not do, you need something half as dashing as I am, at least. I will see what I can come up with in the comming days.
Blast that woman!
So, I am off minding my business in Leringard and run into Alatriel. Who somehow manages to look more pathetic then when I saw her last. I was trying to get her to go for a walk or anything to get her out of her slump. Strike that, her morose. I just had her ready to walk and talk and Pallena stumbled onto us and brings up Aerimor. Apparently Pallena had a box of silk for him and she wanted to get paid. So after Alatriel broke down at the mention of his name and paid for the box; they talked some more.
I think Alatriel finally realised I have mixed feelings for the ole taskmaster now and she started flipping out about that. I told her if Jaelle wasn't after his blood, then I had no grounds to stand on. But if things turned out differently and he caused the death of my god child....
Pallena then chimes in that it may be better off that he remains as a panther. That was too much for Alatriel and she bolted. I guess I should have followed her, but I was still trying to come to terms with my thoughts on Aerimor. And Pallena was distracting me. She should know better than to run around in those tight pants and a top that the fates only knows how stays together!
I can't say she's really my type, leather? And she likes to run around in the woods all the time. But on the other hand, she is female. And a Misty, I admit I was curious. I wanted to know if it was Jaelle or some mystic secret of her faith that draws me to her. And well, if she is going to admit to me that she loves that child's father still... then I have no reason not to. Actually this may be helping her out, since she has so much trouble staying faithful to that poor chump she's in love with. At least when I am around. If I see to myself, I might not be quite as dazzling, and she might be able to keep her sensual lips off of mine. Looking back, this could almost be considered noble...right?
Well anyway, I don't know what it is about Misties but they can't seem to keep their hands off me. Pallena though, is differant, I give her that. None of my pretty words and lines had any real effect. I had to change my tact and promise her I'd simulate the seas during a storm for her. And that seemed to be the winning route. I could see her appraising me, and then she asked for proof of action. Whatever that means! Told me if I was willing to go to sea with her, then I could attempt to back my claim. I wonder if all Misties like to get their man at sea or if its just me? Well heck, it was over a week for me, so I agreed. Besides I had no reason not to, that was made clear.
She gets me most of the way to that island of theirs, in the choppy waters and pulls out the oars. I swear I must have been green. And she tells me, alright lets see if you can back those claims. Right there in the middle of the ocean, I thought about it for a second. then decide, heck this is finally some part of the trip I was comfortable with. I quickly forgot my seasickness and put a smile on both of our faces. I learned three valuable lessons. All Misties, I think are slightly crazy, they have a death wish I swear! If you engage in activities with a druid, maybe a leather shirt is not so much of a faux paus. I swear those marks will take a week to heal! And third, the ocean is not so bad of a place with the proper incentives. Those waves can do their job. *The next partial line is crossed out* I wonder what it would be like
Well, anyway, we were definately from the opposite ends of the spectrum in our ways. I hadn't been that taken for a ride like that since I had all of those Tower Malts and made a pass at that half-orc. I swear I thought she was going to break me in half!
But it was a good change of pace for me, helped me make a break from Jaelle. You know, Pallena is not bad on the eyes; if you put her in a dress, gave her a make over and some exfoliation, taught her not to grunt all the time...she would turn a few heads. But somehow I don't think anyone is going to get her to wear a dress.
Anyway, I was just considering going for round two after trimming her nails when she dressed and dove overboard! I mention that Misties must have a death wish? So I dressed and attempted to keep up with her in the row boat. Managed to bring that tiny toothpick onto ground at the temple and found her already on shore. She looked embarrased and basically started to chew me out for coming after her. I was a bit set back, but said I was only making sure she didn't drown. Guess that is not the right thing to tell a Misty. But she softened again and told me I never need worry about that there. She said a prayer for me and I left. I was not looking forward to trying to get home alone, but I tell you Mist must of been in a good mood or distracted, because the tide did all the work and I glided into dock.
So, feeling good about myself, I start headed back into Leringard and run into Alatriel again, drunk Alatriel again! That arse Brian is with her trying to calm her. Now that was funny, I think she bit his head off before it was done!
After he left, Jaelle appeared, I wonder how long she was there. But she apparently knew what happened with Pallena. How the hell she knew so fast I don't have the foggiest. Must be that Nelle priestess, I think she enjoys tormenting me, she sent a magic message to Jaelle no doubt! Hmm, I wonder, are Pallena and Jaelle like sisters? I never considered that, maybe that is why she was so mad, not that I was making it easier for her, but because of who it was with. Looking back, I bet that is it. I never considered that, maybe I owe her a small apology then.
So she finally breaks her icey demeanor and rips into me. Saying why should she care what I do. Darn right! But then she goes on telling me not to worry about her or the child, I owe them nothing and have a nice life. I mention that Misties are all partly crazy? Well so much for my afterglow. She ruined that, blasted woman! She was the one that told me she was still in love with the baby's stupid arsed father! I'd love to ge tmy hands on that loser. What did she think I'd do, be her puppy and stay at heel? Women! Guess it was because I started off calm, but I didn't blow up, just choose some choice points. I then told her, I was still going to be around for the child, and her if she managed to cool her temper. I know I'll be seeing more of her, she's still in my blood. Can't pick who you're a fool for.
I went to visit Wyatt before she said something to push my temper over the edge. I know she stayed to help Alatriel, so that was a big positive. I can not for the life of me figure out why she rages at me so and yet can find forgiveness for Aerimor. Hypocrite! Well I lost a few games to Wyatt, but I think I came out ahead.
I wonder how moody she is when not pregnant? Maybe its the pregnancy and there is hope for her. Maybe not.
~R
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Life is sweet again, I have weathered the storm.
So Jaelle and I finally had a fight and now she's out of my head. Still in my heart, but I can ignore that if she can.
She ran into me in the card hall when I was feelign pretty low. I found out that even at the ends of my rope alcohol holds no appeal for me any longer. She was spying on me while invisible again. That woman has issues. I guess its another of her safty blankets, letting her be close in proximity if in no other sense. Well even when patchic aparently Misties can't keep their hands off me. Anyway I lost my cool with Mist and decided it was past time for Mist and I to have a little talk about how she is treating me. So of fI went in a rush, Jaelle swept in tow.
I jumped in a row boat and headed out to the Mist temple, but errr I kinda missed it?! I know Jaelle and Mist were both laughing at me, but theirs were yet to come. I further lost me cool and did a litle yelling and then asked Jaelle to point me towards the temple. She said in the middle was as good as anywhere and when I disagreed, she decided to play nasty. Looking back at it she was trying to make me loss control of my anger. I have speculations, but I still wonder why. When when she finally struck a nerve I responded with some nasty words of my own. I finally found her weak spot. I'll be darned but she does love her child. Amazing the power of a baby. So after being nasty and telling her that a mother that could not love herself would never be capable of loving her child and the kid would be doomed, I let fly with I didn't have to take her child, for the child would choose to leave a heartless creature in favor of the love of a stranger. And for the coupe de grace, I told her I was going to take the child and raise it as my own.
Aww that was a beautiful moment, the crystal clear spectre of death raging from behind her eyes and into me. I finally struck the nerve I was after. I hope she figures out why she reacted so violently. Oh yes, Jaelle called down her lightning and blasted me into the sea. I was only able to keep from slipping into oncousciouness. She pleaded with me to come back into the boat, but I told her I could not unless she spoke from her heart. Unfortunatly for me I was unable to remain above the sea before she had time to search for her answer. I had mine however, as she dove in and pulled me back to the boat. It was obvious that she loves me.
After a rest, she returned us to the island and I rested again. I still needed one more answer and I still wanted my confrontation with Mist. I knew that I needed to swim from the island to one fo them shipwrecks, I knew if I succeeded, I'd win my freedom again. From Mist, from Jaelle and from my own bonds. So I made my intents known and Jaelle traded questions from me. She asked why I would do such a thing, and I told her I needed resolution with Mist and myself. In return I asked her why she saved me from drowning. All she could manage was to say she cared. And that was the last part of the puzzle I was after. She obviously loves me and now I knew that she is eithe runable to process that fact of unable to cope with the ramifications. She remains to immature for love. But I hol dout hope that the miracle she carries inside her may be her saviour. Not to put too much stress on an unborn.
So with my resolution with Jaelle complete. It was time to speak with the Mistress. The one that put it all into motion. Looking back I do not know how I made the shipwreck, stubborness I guess. Finally laying on that ship in HER domain, I was at rest. I knew I beat Mist in her own domain. The afterglow, while lying on that wreck was as sweet as any. I guess you could say I had relations with Mist herself and had my way. I know that while she may not keep her hands off my life or myself, that I have at least earned enough respect that she will no longer laugh at my name.
So....the return trip. Aparently that round was Mist's turn to have her way with me. I made it about half way to shore before Lady Doom called me to her. It might of been the lack of air, but I heard her voice calling to me. Alas I do not recall what she spoke. I just know that while you may take an occasional round from Mist due to her chaotic nature, in the end, she has her way with any that tangel with her.
The Soul Mother stayed her hand at least. I still will avoid the gods, but I will never thumb my nose at them either. I have no calling to follow Mist, but I admit it seems I am fully entangled in domain.
Just a few weeks ago, Altriel gathered a group to travel to Dregar to gather silver for her son. The group was her, I, Steel, Aerron, Iradril and Ophelia, a preistess of Mist. Well half way through our journey, my charms worked their magic on the Misty. I do think that for whatever reason Mist has a soft spot for me. I know I am charming but it seems that ever priestess of Mist I run into has no will against me. I am begining to wonder if Mist is living vicariously through them. Is that something gods do? And if so, I wonder if they have a charter with the names and locations of all of Mist's atrractive followers? I could be set for life!!!
Well with regards to Ophelia, let's be kind and just say that she is a very energetic and spirited lass! Reminds me of a maxim of my profession. What is better than having a pair of long legs wrapped around you? Having a short pair trying like the hells!
As for the rest of the journey, we succeeded and I managed to remain alive...thank you Ophelia and Mist!
My last leason was that I am much too delicate to survive in the desert. If I go again I'm taking more water, my hair can not survive that many days of arrid sun! Water and skin lotions! Once I repair the damage done to my hair, at least it is a beautiful honey straw color now. One last peice of advice. there is sand in more places than I can mention and the chaffing!
If there is a desert god with desert preistess, they have better be as hot as their climate or I'll stick with the Misties. Drats, I never thought about it, I wonder if I ply my charms on other god's preitesses if Mist will become spiteful?! Blast and double blasts! I'll have to eat those lightning bolts if they fly.
Raz
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I am a father again!
I am so overjoyed I forget all the details. Just Jaelle finally admited who the father is...me! How could my math be so off?! How could I be so dense?
We bordered on a fight, you know Jaelle with her rising and ebbing. As she so focused on trying to figure out what I'd do if I knew, she let me find out. But now that I think about it, I think she has been trying to tell me for months. I was just missing the clues. And to think if I never had my tussle with Mist, I may still be the fool! My clarity and focus still remain, I may even start doing something with myself! Take up my study in magic again? Hire a fencing teacher so I don't have to loose two pints of blood with every fight?
Where was I? Jaelle's fears then crept in, I could tell she was worried that the child would love me more...or I'd out right take the child form her. As long as Jaelle does her best, I'd never seperate her from her child. I always thought this child would be her saving grace. The angel to save her soul. To show her what love is and then hold her powerless before it. Now that I know it is also my child. I have no doubt. This child may be special for another reason, Mist obviously has had a hand in its conception and wellfare. I think Mist also wants me in its life, to balance Jaelle in raising it. That may be why her priestsesses are so enamored with me. They are being offered as appeasments, to keep me in the fold. Mist apparently knows how to speak my language!
I wonder already this child's life and fate. Will I have a son to carry on my line? Or will Mist choose a girl in her own interests? Gods if its a girl with Jaelle and I as parents, I will as I told Jaelle, have to buy a dragon to keep the men away! I guess I better start those fencing lesssons soon!
Well we went out on the ocean to discuss details and chase away fears. It was the best night of my life. Jaelle's true beauty is always clearest on the ocean. And her confidence keeps most of her pains and fears at bay. She does not wish for me to be known as the father...for now. And the gods know how that hurts. But she made trade by promising me, that no matter her anger, our fates, or what time brings, that I would always have a place in the child's life. I asked if that counted at the moment of birth. I think she will allow it, her protests seemed to be in me seeing her in less than savory conditions and at a moment of weakness.
Before we left to sea, we considered a real relationship between us. But I had to turn down her offer. Even I have more respect then to agree to what she offered. Which in essence was that she'd be with me when it suited her, and I'd be her first choice in most things. I asked for two promises, that she's never have relations with another for the sole purpose of hurting me. And she could only dance around giving her oath. Guess it is not meant to be. At least not until more decades pass and the child has had its way with her heart.
After we figured out the basics we shared some fun and shenanigan's on and off the boat. I swear I think she meant to see me drown...albeit happy. Truth be told, there has been better. Heck she has been better. But yet it was still the greatest moment in my life..well and Lealue. I found out to be a father again, I was in the arm's of the woman of my dreams, the woman I love, and I did not have to worry about the future or Jaelle's penache for making misery. If I life to be 2000, I am not sure I will ever have a moment greater than the trip to sea in a little dingy of a boat. If I live to be 10,000 that moment will always find me in reverie.
~R
-
Roads traveled, bridges crossed.
I went to red light with Jaelle and the prick of a druid friend of hers, Elgon.
Everything went along smoothy, and I only lost 5 times the blood that my body could possibly hold, before leaving the caves. I have got to find a new fighting style...heck I need to find a style. And no shields! This thing drives me crazy, and its such an eyesore. If does not go with anything I own...well maybe the pools of blood I leave! Back to point, as we left the caves, Jaelle and Prick Boy decided they were headed somewhere else and Jaelle asked if Elgon could protect me. Like I need his protection! And Prick Boy said it would cost her. Well I did't plan to hear the payment arrangments. Noone is going to use me as a bargaining chip. And especially not to get favors from Jaelle!
I pleasantly told them farewell and masked my outrage. I then left to try out some new ideas, like not relying on the shield so much. And I got into a bit of a spot and was executing my favorite techique. I was laying on the ground in a growing pool of blood, letting the goblins think I was subdued. When I was really biding my time waiting for their ground to become treacherous with my lifes blood. That is when I was going to pop back up and finished them off while they scrambled for firm footing. But unbeknownst to me, Jaelle heard the howls from the shamans summoned wolf and some horrible but unidentified sound..so she said. Well instead of carrying on with her and Elgon's plans she decided to check up on me as I went that way. Blast the woman! Everything would have been fine, even if my plan failed and I ended up at the bindstone, I can suffer another meeting with the soul mother.
Well my hero comes blasting in without protections in place and kills them all, before I could spring my trap. I did not see it at the time as I had my eyes motly closed to fool the goblins, but the shaman cast some sort of death spell at Jaelle. She shrugged it off and no harm was done. That was that. I learned that I must make sure Jaelle is not close when I fight and no prices were paid.
But Prick Boy decides to chew me out for riskign her life! Blasted fool, he was suppose to be off with her and they no where close. He was suppose to be there as her friend and adventering companion, but he was not even there when she investigated. The last thing, the absolute last thing in the world I want is to risk my child's life. I did not know she was keeping tabs on me! So I told him how I felt and called him true. I called him a prick and that prick lost control of his temper and cast the weakest flamestrike I've ever witnessed. It didn't even singe my hair, just reddened my skin a bit. I continued to call him true and then Jaelle arrived and called him off like a puppy. The good little druid did as commanded and licked her palm. Grow a backbone man!
Jaelle vented on me as always. I did nothing wrong except take them at their word and stick up for myself. I guess that is what she hates about me, I won't let her walk all over me...just my heart. But I will not be some puppy that sits, heels, and begs for the occasional scrap. Besides she already has one, Prick Boy.
I went to Mist's island..this is becoming curious. And I sought solace in the waves. I found the peace I knew I had recently won. Mist does care for me, even if its only temporary, she has plans for me for now. I spent the night and next morning on the shore. I planned to leave at sunset, but Jaelle arrived. She said it was to get her check up, but I think she was worried about me and looking for me. I think she knows she was wrong to treat me like she did.
She amazingly apologized, she better be careful or she might make some leap of growth that she can not undo! She told me that she over-reacted. That she was not spying on me...I do not know if that is true. And that she was just checking up because of the sounds she heard and she thought I went that direction. She spoke smart and said she could not risk her death again to save me if I fell. And then she turned another leaf and admitted I had power over her heart and that she could not bear to watch me die again.
She spoke with such love, I could not help but believe her. She even went out of her way to tell me that Prick Boy was just a friend. I guess she didn't want what I was thinking to pain my heart any longer. She it so close to love and yet so far away. If she'd only forgive her past, her pains and herself, she'd stand a chance of finding the eye of the storm. Her place of tranquility in the chaotic world.
She offered me a few scrolls that are yet beyond me and I asked her why she gives all the presents. If it was to buy my affections, silence, or heart. Of is it was to appease her guilt or heart. She dismissed the sting I know it must of caused and spoke from the heart I know she has and will not let herself see. She told me it was for the joy of giving, and if that if anyone ever attempted to buy me, that have to offer far more than she possesed. I told her I could not refuse her then, for gifts given for joy, also are gifts for the heart of the giver. I also told her that beside the child in her womb, her softly spoken words from the heart where the greatest present she had yet given upon me. She went out of her safe place and took a chance of being scorned. A chance of becoming attached.
I took the scrolls and promised to study them, to learn them. I promised I would make it so I was not always lying on the ground in a pool of blood if I went out with her..adventuring. And I have Kept that promise. I have managed to cast scinilating sphere a few times. Next I will work on that negative energy scroll she gave me. I am slightly dubious about it, but I will find out more before I condemn it for using negative energy. Heck I may need it someday to understand how to counter its effects or another spell of its ilk. I am working on the mechanics of a spell of my own. I thought a little survivability might be wise, so I am attempting to figure out how displacment is cast. I am on its verge as well. I remember seeing master Gryphonwing cast it and I think I remember enough to work out the rest.
I will keep you posted if I succeed! Today I am to meet with a few sword masters and see if I can find a style I can learn. The coin should not be a problem, so I just need to find a style I like, that does not use that stupid shield, or rely on bulky armor. I hope I can find one that lets me use my dashing rapier, it has become a very close friend. Even if it is done no justice in my hand.
~R
I need to name this journal as it appears I am keeping it. I hope noone finds out, they might think me a priss?
-
//All mentions of the father being a fool or idiot have now been crossed out entirely or changed to be non-condemning. I will leave the entries as written though. I like em better that way. =)//
-
Not a bad day.
Spent the day with Jaelle and we talked about everything and nothing. She took me through the Silkwood forest. Was nice...for a forest.
There is hope for her yet, she let down most of her walls today. I didn't sense and pretences or charades. We talked about her past and mine. Alternate uses for massage oil. Our future and current arrangement. We dabbled into magic and adventuring. We spoke on love and dreams. It was refreshing. I guess she is completely serious about having me in our child's life. And thus, I will be around in her's as well. And I guess she wants to know what to expect and to see if there is any depth to me. I have not spoke as myself to anyone in a long time. It felt good to drop the fa?ade I present to people for a while. I mean why not? I am not trying to win her affections. It is obvious she is completely infatuated with me. And who could blame her? But she is still too broken to know what she wants or how to let herself experience it. It is not a new story, but it still pains my heart. To know that she is as she is because men saw just her pretty face and decided to use just her body. Guys are so compassionless and cruel if they can get away with it. Telling themselves they are happy if they can take something and call it theirs. I swear, I need to learn to cast one of those spells wizard's use to protect their tomes. If this got into the wrong hands, I'd be undone by my own hand.
Thank the gods I am not so shallow! Well I am not a fool, to try to have a relationship of that sort with all the baggage and damage goods she is toting would be disaster for all three of us. If she is good to our child, that will be enough. Besides that means no limits on my life style. Ladies rejoice. And as I said, it's nice to have someone to talk to that I am not only trying to seduce.
I informed her that there was a play coming through town in a few weeks I had my eye on and asked her along. If I did not know better, I'd say she's never been to a play or any other socialite functions before. How odd. But that will be rectified shortly. I hope she approves of my choice; it's rather bawdy as far as plays go. But it has a strong following with the upper echelon as most of the crude humor is high brow. Besides what else would she expect from me, I am certainly not going to go to one of those plays where the players cry over loves lost the whole time!
The day ended on a sour note however. We finally made Hempstead and Jaelle introduced me to the legendary Ellohanna, Alatriel's friend. And then Brian showed up and he and Jaelle started talking. So Elly and I went for a walk to see the school she is helping to open. A school for mages, well she said a school for all. She said it was to be called the Tower Academy. I asked her if that meant the students would be known as the Ta-Ta's. everyone likes Ta-Ta's. While she didn't laugh she also did not grow offended. She's alright in my book. I mentioned that I was interested in learning to fence and she gave me the name of a female teacher. This I have got to look into. Maybe this instructor and I can exchange some thrusting techniques. I think her name is Amerianna. I am sure it is spelled wrong, but if it works out I'll get it right when it counts.
*in large print* NOTE TO SELF: FIND AMERIANNA *back to normal size*
She also showed me this pair of bracers, I am in love. They were light but well built. The angles on them were ideal for parrying attacks. She says that they are going to be auctioned as a fund raiser for the school. I have no idea what something like those cost, BUT I intend to find out.
Anyway we headed back to town central and Jaelle and Brian were gone. But I bumped into Alatriel shortly there after. What a wench she has become. I told her she was right all along that Jaelle's child was mine. And instead of showing an ounce of happiness she responded with bitter spite. Told me congrats your child's mother is one screwed up piece of work. I do not lay my hands on women, you know what I mean! , but I swear I almost slapped the spite out of her. Instead I just walked away after telling her that she needs to get over herself before she has no friends left.
And before I forget, two thugs in hoods forced words with Jaelle when we were in the hall of weave. She tried to tell me they were just business men. I told her I know the look of bad men when I see them and they were. I let them talk with me out of ear shot. But there is no way I'd trust men like those around my child unsupervised so I kept both eyes on them. Jaelle is into so bad stuff, but she wouldn't tell me what. And I don't think this something as simple as a jealous lover. But I don't know what to do. I asked her what was going on and while she didn't really tell me anything. She also didn't not answer; she didn't lash out at me. She didn't try to play me a fool and she promised that out child was safer letting her handle the mess she was in than by me acting the fool. I so wish there was something to do to assure my child's safety or for that matter, Jaelle's. But for now, I think as much as I don't like it, I'd just put them both in more risk. I hope she can finish what she has got herself into quickly and safely.
-
Luck is a Lady and she smiles.
So I went to the Vehl arena to try to find a fencing instructor. I ran into Brian and two female friends of his. Ami and Yvale. Brian got around to asking me what I was up to and I told him. He said he could help me learn to fight. I told him his style was a little brutal for my tastes and he took mild offense. Anyway he said he'd see what I could do if I didn't mind stepping into the ring with the three of them.
They wanted me to fight Ami. I'll get more into Ami in a while. Well I'd like to but that is a different story. They conned me into pairing up with her, but I know better than to strike a female. So I just turtled behind that ugly shield of mine and she of course picked me apart. Brian then had to have his ego massaged. Had me buff up and attack him. Just as I went to strike he did Alatriel's trick and called shadows. I began to protest but before I could he drove both of his blades home and only the rings magics protected me from death. Lastly Yvale decided it was her turn for a go. Well I had enough getting beaten bloody, so I bull rushed her with me shield and knocked her down, then swept her feet and lastly just plain out tripped her. Of course she got some stinging blow in when she wasn't on the ground. In any case I had enough and just ran around the ring for a while. I think Brian did something to me then. I was just standing flat footed wondering why I was not moving and Yvale finished the bout. Speaking of Yvale she oddly is covered from head to toe. I wonder if she was burned by acid or fire or something?
After that Brian was actually useful, he had me attack him and tried to pick off my attack and tell me what I was doing wrong. Mainly he thought I needed to be angry and fight with fury in my strikes. I got some good blows in on him though without using anger. I often find people fall into patterns and you can anticipate their attacks if you keep an open and focuses mind. I was able to see the start of a routine a few times with Brian and this is where I snuck my blade in through his defenses. After that Brian tried to enrage me eventually even saying he'd go after my daughter if I did not really try to hurt him. I told him I refuse to believe that, that even as brutal as he may be, and as checkered of a past as he may have, he was not an evil man. He tried a little longer and then just left it as telling me if I wanted to fulfill my potential then I'd have to give away my foolish notions of not attacking females, and fighting without anger. I told him then and I stand by it, if that is what it takes to fight monsters....to become one. Then I'd concentrate of my magic's. The price was higher than I am willing to pay. I do not believe you have to give away rational thought, cool demeanor and your value to protect yourself with a blade.
We parted and Ami told me to meet her and I did. She said that she thought I was right, that I could learn to at least protect myself without giving myself over to anger when I picked up a blade. She said if I was interested in learning from a female, she could teach me a little of what she knows. Apparently she is a duelist, someone who focuses on fleet feet, cunning strokes, and intelligence in battle. I do not know if it works, but it sounds beautiful to me. We spoke for a long while after that. She removed her hood and I was nearly struck dumb. Wow! Easily the most beautiful human I have laid eyes on. Then again it might be her confident by shyly sweet personality that has stolen my affections. I also wonder about that human part. I think she may have been plane touched. The purple eyes...I have never seen their like on a human before. She is sweet though, and I know she was at least partially taken with me. Her coy flirting was unmistakable.
Also for now she has a significant other. A Calvin. But truth is I think he may have blown his chance. Apparently he forgets her too often and she craves the affection and love he fails to provide her. I swear if he blows his chance, I will pull out all of the stops. Ami is a beauty inside and out. Doesn't hurt she is almost as dashing as I with her rapier. I think she has a bit of a self esteem issue though, maybe something I could help correct if things fail with Calvin. She does not deserve to carry whatever baggage it is that weighs her down.
Alatriel stumbled on us and asked for my ear. Ami dismissed herself and told me I could find her at the arena if I did not take too long. Alatriel came to apologize for our fight a few days earlier when she insulted Jaelle and spoke harsh words to me about my unborn child. I assured her it was okay. That we were okay. I know it was just her heart's agony speaking.
A strange lady then came upon us and started carrying on with an invisible person, or so I figured out latter. I think it was Laura and Jaelle was the shrouded person. Apparently she was spying on me. I know because of the way she acted. She was cold and played scorned. It is possible she thought something was going on between Alatriel and I, I wish! But I think she is smarter than that. I think she must have been spying for a while, since I was talking to Ami and flirting with her. Although I must say for me I was on good behavior. After all, unless and until Ami comes to resolution with her relationship, there is no reason for me to pursue it too much. As attractive as she is, I still make it policy to not pursue involved women. Too many complication! But that doesn't mean you can't flirt and make sure they know your there.
As for Jaelle, I don't know what's in that pretty head of hers. She decided she could never commit to a monogamous relationship. Heck three days back she all but helped me flirt with Amanda. I think it must mostly be the hormones. I want to believe it's the hormones so that is what it will be for now.
So I met with Ami back at the arena and she convinced me to spar with her. But even after seeing the arena's magic work first hand. I couldn't really strike to impale. So I tried to land what I could with the flat of the blade. The first round I faired well. I got in a few slaps while hiding behind my ugly wall. And she returned a few piercing thrusts. She was telling me to concentrate and stop flapping my tongue. I decided I'd show her a thing about concentration! I managed to sneak in an attack that was purposely aimed for her top. I then claimed that I pierced her defense, cut her bindings on her top and that her defenses where now laid bare. Of course shy as she is in regards of her looks, she had to glance down to see if I spoke true. That is when I shield rushed her and deposited her on the ground. I was starting to make some quip when she swept my feet out and ended the match with her blade to my throat and her triumphant smile beautifully leveled my way. I guess you could say I fell for her a little more that moment. She restated her admonishment of concentrate. But we both know I got one point in myself.
We went another round and I tried to forgo the use of the ugly beast. And without that metal wall to hide behind, to completely picked me apart. Wow, she is good. All pretty eyes and fancy foot work aside. She is no stranger to combat and using her rapier. Yes, yes I think she can teach me enough to at least defend myself. Hopefully Calvin will drop out of the picture and I'll teach her a little myself. As beautiful as she is now, if she conquers her self-esteem issue, she'd be glorious. I can see it in her wanting to get out. But she holds onto it desperately.
Well she dismissed me and told me to meet her back there again and we'd discuss if I was indeed teachable. As well as the rules and fees. I will be back; I do think the lady of luck was smiling when she set us on course to meet. I may even be able to return Ami's time and skill with a suitable fee, if she figures out what to do with Calvin. Sorry Calvy ole pal, but if you blow your chance, I'll see to it you don't get another.
-
I made a whole batch of gem polishing oil. And I was not very good at it. But I did meet Jaelle's challenge. She seems to think if I can make an honest living, I'd feel better about myself. So far, if that is honest work, I have no desire to make a living from it. I did try my hand with infusing, but I only had two Amethysts. BUT I successfully enchanted one with an acid splash spell! I know it's a worthless trinket. But I did find it very satisfying. Too bad someone can't make an honest living form that. I think if one could, I'd be tempted. But a box of amethysts cost 50,000 true. How could a regular guy ever afford to learn this craft? I do not envy the honest living route. No wonder they can not afford real clothes, or products for their hair. They must spend every copper they have trying to buy the next gem. Let me thank my fortunes again that I am as dashing as I am. I would never make it as a commoner.
I ran into Alatriel on the way to finish the last batch of oils. She must have been very hurt and confused! She actually tried to use me! She agreed to go back to my room with me, I thought nothing of it. But she didn't stop there; she actually made a pass at me. She tried to get me to take advantage of her. As much as I'd like to, it's not what I am. I'd rather keep the friendship. Heck even if she wasn't a friend, I would not take advantage of someone so obviously distraught. Heck to my experience it's never worth the effort anyway, often ending in tears. Luckily she figured it out for herself before it went too far. I figured I owed it to her to give her a chance to figure it out on her own. And she lived up to my expectation. Gathering her things and attempting to dash out. I stopped her and told her it was alright, I knew it was her heart's grief acting no her. WE spent the night together then, talking about nothing. Neither of us had the heart to talk much about the real issues. I just hope that jerk figures out what is going on with him before Alatriel leaves him. Heck, maybe it is better if she gets her heart broken now and gets away from him. I can't say he deserves a second chance.
I made a supply run and gave us both a facial mask. I don't think she approved of putting the paste on her face, but I saw how much it diminished the puffiness from her eyes. I am good. I was saw, I got a hug and kiss out of the deal. Innocent enough, but I think it gave her ammunition to use on Aerimor if the need arose. She can always tell him that she kissed me and then spent the night in my room. I am sure that will be enough to elicit a response. I will have to keep my eyes open for a rampaging bear now of course! But if it helps a friend I'll take my chances with yogi.
-
Too much.
So much has happened, and so quickly that I did not and do not have the desire to write it all. I fear it would just sap my mood if I ever read it in detail again. But as it seems I am keeping a journal now I will at least document the events.
Aparently I got to close to Jaelle and set off her panic alarms. She went out of her way to be cruel to me and tell herself I was a con artist. I have now told myself I am over her for now. We will see after the child is born and then again every decade or two. The thing that really set me off was that she said she was very likely giving our child away to a sorceress that did not like me. This broke my heart and caused my shift in view of Jaelle. I fully planned to take the child before it could be delivered into the sorceress' hands. If Jaelle will not raise out child, then I will. But I got a letter form her a couple days latter, claiming she over reacted and that she would do whatever was best for the child and until something says otherwise, that included her father. She swore she'd make sure I had a prominent place in our child's life even if that meant a differant gaurdian, that could work with me, or I myself being the primary guardian. This is all I can hope for for now. So unless she shows a sign to me that its an empty promise. I qill let things continue status quo. I have less than no intrests in Jaelle foe the time being. Let her remain in godo healtha nd delvier out child. After that if she pushes that miracle away form her. Then I go forever with it. If the magic of her own child can't convince her to take a chance, then she is and will always be doomed to unhappiness. And that I will not force upon our child.
I continue my fencing lessons with Ami. She is so attractive and compelling, that I find myself really trying to succeed. For her as well as myself. I went on a quest with her and a few others. On the quest her estranged significant other joined us and ...to make it a short story. They patched things up and she appears happy. Now when I see her my heart glows for her happiness at first. But latter after training is over, a few tears fall for my own loss. I really like her, I'd of been willing to suffer the heart ache of being with a short lived human for the 30 or 40 years that would of been.
Everyone thinks its easy and envious to be a swashbuckler. It is the only life I can ever envision and more of the time it is a grat life. But when you have to keep moving on when one steals a part of your heart. When some of the shine comes off.
I also have anther duelign instructor, Pyyran. Someone sent him to assist me. At current his skill is just too far beyond my own to learn much in the ring. So he gave me a dwarven book, the five steel rings. It is interesting reading. The philosophy is fighting is on many levels and you have to perfect them all to be a true warrior or in this case swordsman. He is a likable old man, not sure he'll still be alive when I can claim any proficiency with the rapier. I think he is on his last leg already. But he invited me to check in with him again after Ami helps me with the basics.
He did throw me for a loop at first though. He started following me, and wouldn't relaly tell me what he was after. Just said a friend of ours said we shoudl speak. Then I found out he was a Misty. I immediatly paused and informed him that he was too old for me. And I guess he missed my meaning, telling me he had plenty he could teach me. So I made it blunt. I told him that no matter what Mist told him, he was not my type, I'd keep to the preistesses thank you very much. After he had a round of laughter, that is when I found out his intents were to offer to teach me to fence.
How was I suppose to know? Everytime a Misty comes within 10 feet we end up together. I am most definatly not interested in priests thank you!
~R
-
Things are looking up.
Looks like the terms that Jaelle and I came to will work. And I am happy enough with that for now. As long as my child wants for nothing, that will be good enough. If there is a chance later to help Jaelle we will try it then, but for now I can only have one priority and without doubt it is my little one. I am just glad that Jaelle has made herself my ally and not an obsticle.
I continue my rapier lessons with Ami. She is a _very_ passionate young lady, but then I find a lot of humans are. After a few more classroom classes she decided to see how I apply my lessons in real situations. Well we made some short work of kobolds and had a minor scirmish with gnolls. And then Ami decided to take me up to Gnolls watch tower, the one overlooking Lover's Lake. I of course went willingly and applied plenty of charm. Afterall, spoken for or not, she rouses my heart.
I have been thinking about it since then. I think of the how of why she is so special to me. I think it is that while shy, she is confident. And while reserved she flirts back. And while disciplined she losses herself to her passions. I honestly can not rememeber the last time a young lady really flirted back. Mostly they just suck up the flirting and toss the accustomed smiles and laughs to tell me to contiue. In short I do all the work, and all risk taking. Or they are take charge girls and respond to my flirting with action. But I can not think of anyone since coming to Mistone that actually, honestly returned my flirting. I think that is part of why my feelings go out to her.
Of course the fact she is so passionate and physcially attractive does not hurt anything! Anyway apparently half a dose of Raz can be too much. I will have to remember that if the same situation ever arrises again. On the way to the Tower, near the Lake she pulled me very close, held me and told me not to move. She was afraid of agrivating the chickens?! I have heard some lines in my day but, come on, upset chickens? If she wanted to be held, she could of just asked.
When we finally made it up top and enjoyed the view and each others conversation, she started opening up about her past and her fears. Always one to speak the truth, I told her that any that shuned her for her looks or actions were fools and that that is no longer the way things are. That she'd have to beat the guys off with a stick now, starting with me. She told be that she was happy with Calvin. A few minutes later she made some comment about her not being strong enough to be touched. And I touched her cheek sweetly and pointed out she was indeed strong enough to survive a touch. In hindsight maybe that was too much Raz for one day, afterall she is only human. I could see when she opened those perfect purple eyes of hers the sparks of lust begining to flame in them. Yes, I have stoked those sparks too many times to miss them now. She placed a hand on me and then leaned in to remove most of the distance between us. I knew beyond doubt that I could inflame those sparks with a kiss and truely touch her. Or I could douse my physical desires and be the friend she obviously needed.
Alas I pulled her into my chest and I spoke words to tell her how close I came to using my charms to wyle away her kisses. I do not remember what I said exactly only that I changed the focus from her to me so fast I doubt she even realised those feeling started within her and what actions she almost gave way to. There better be some karma in this world. That is twice in a month I have turned out a women I have great interests in to save her heart in the long run. I think it's Mist somehow finding a new way to twist pokers in me! Anyway, I think no damage was done between Ami and myself. Well no lasting damage, I had to take a three hour cold shower afterwards!!! It just aint right I tell you.
I can't stop flirting so as long as I am taking lessons from her. So I think I will have to keep them in public areas until she figures out that her feelings for me are lustful only. And then if she comes to me knowing that, then my obligations will be null and void. And I will gladly oblige her, a few times. And I wont have to worry about getting her pregnant! Sorry, Calvy ole boy, but you better handle business, because noble or not. I doubt I could turn her out again.
~R
-
I have a date with Elgon's sister.
Things continue to be up and down with Jaelle, we spent a exceptional night together where the worries of the world did not exsist. And then the next tiem I saw her she was ready to set me on fire again. And I am not sure why. I think she was upset that someone I don't knwo treated her like a peice of meat. I am not sure how that reflects on me, but it is Jaelle....
She also informed me that she will be leaving for a few weeks to go on a dangerous mission adn that I can not help her. She only assured me that if she did not go, then the trouble would double and come to find her. She certainly makes things difficult.
I continue my lessons with Ami, and we took more field exercises. Her love, her, and halfling lass and myself took to Dragon Island. Can't say we faired well, its hard to parry a fist thats bigger than you are. But despite that, I find I am becoming much more adapt at staying alive in a fight. I went ina party into red lights and was actually a critical member of the party...if not the critical member. There might be hope for me yet. Now if I can just learn to loose this ghastly shield.
I have been spending more time with Ayana. She is very sweet. I can not say I see a future with her or anything at current. But she truely needs a friend outside her family, someone she can have to herself, someone to tell her worries to and be there just for her. I gladly take this mantle. She is quite inexperienced to be cavorting about with me I found out though. But when I suggested she might find another she was adamant she could take care fo herself. I told her I would be that friend then but I did not trust her to guard herself against me unless she coudl answer oen question for me. She agreed and I kissed her. Naturally she responded, and with more ferver than I expected. So I told her, I'd be her friend but she was obviously ill suited to look out for herself in reguards to my obviously overwhelming charms.
We have spent a few weeks talking since then. I do find her very comforting and idealistic. She a breath of fresh air to my normal. But I am afriad we can not be much more unalike in most areas. She is pure, woodsy, animal loving,adn shirks from attention. But with that said we speak easily enough and enjoy many laughs. She got me to try to befriend her Falcon friend Elise. But I swear that bird hates me, tried to eat my hand! But I suffered through it. And in exchange I asked her on a date in a city with myself, dress and high heels. She agreed, but only if I let her forgo the heels. I am not sure she has ever been on a real date.
And now that I have fully realised just how naive she is, I am actually a little afraid to go on this date. Obviously I will make it as great of a night as I can for her, so she knows what she should expect from others. But I have to be careful not to let her think she is in love with me. I am worried this time, I may not leave a young lady better off than when I met her. Maybe Elgon will convince her I am nothing but a womanizer and she cna leave with the memory of the date and her heart intact. When did things start going south on me? I remember when I had no worries and life was easy.
Oh as a last note, I tried to warm up Anne Ravenwind, if a beautiful lady ever needed a friend or to indulge in physical release it may be her. Unsurprisingly she rebuffed me and did more than hint if I crossed her I'd end up decapitated. Liek I haven't suffered worse for no real reason. I believed her then, that she wanted to be a miserable lonely matyr but now that her sword isn't waving about, I think I will continue to shower her with kindness. As i said if she kills be at least it will be for purpose. But the thing that really made my blood boil at the time was she told me to leave Daniella alone, like she was not capable of indepenant thought. Ya Anne I can see you care about your protege. Dare not let her have a chance at having friends, or else she may replace you at whatever it is you do beside waving swords and threatening people. Well sword or not I stood up to her on that point and told her I'd not turn my back on any noble soul that needed a friend. Guess I was more pursuasive than I thought. Anne actually backed off her command and instead insisted that the relationship better remain as friends only.
No offense Anne, but I think I'd need another handful of years to open that ones heart enough that she realized there were other avenues of love other than to simply serve the all watching.
So, since she wants Daniella to recieve my friendship only I think that it is only fair that she recieves what flirting I would of directed at Daniella. Yes I like this idea, I will just have to make sure to have witnesses on hand so she doesn't simply cleave me in half.
~R
-
Ayana
I am confused with Ayana. We had a date a week ago and it went well. From what I can gather she only wanted to go through with it becuase she made a commitment to me. Not exactly the type of dates that make one feel good about themselves. But by the end of it she was laughing and enjoying herself. Said she was glad she went out with me and that 'everyone' was wrong about me. I assume by everyone, she means Elgon. Darn druids! She was a sight in her red dress and the evening was relaxed and not forced. If nothing else she should know what to expect on a date in the future.
When the date came to an end, she seemed confused again. I gave her a blue rose to symbolize her and us. Among other things a blue stands for two things in this instance. The flush of first love, which symbolises her. And the second symbol is the unobtainable, such as a real relationship between us. She is too naive for me to risk hurting her. I'll let that job fall to someone else. Let us be friends if that will work. I am not sure we are meant to be much long term anyway. Our worlds are very differant. She is a naive, nature loving, big family, Elgon liking, judgmental very sweet young lady. I am an ill reputed, city loving, only child, Elgon disliking, pretty easy going Elf. Well we will see how things play out, for the moment she needs a friend and I am more than willing to be that. If she decides she wants more, we can cross that bridge at that time. For the moment I am still heavy hearted over Jaelle and Ami.
Speaking of Jaelle. She finally returned form her 'dangerous' mission in he east. Whatever that means. I was thrilled to see her and the child well.
Right up to when she told me again my opinion in the wellfare of our child is really not that important. Guess I am surprised it took her months
to pull that card back out on me again. I think I am going to duck her and let her either come to terms with valuing my rights and help or making it
black and white she wants me uninvolved or only as a figure symbol. So what ticked her off this time?
She said she wanted Elgon as our child's god-father, a role which she told the public I was fullfilling until a couple months ago, when she decided to allow me to claim the title as father. Anyway, I told her she can name who ever she desired as the god-father of her child, but I would not consent to Elgon being the god-father of my child. I told her, I could not consent to having someone that despises me put in the role of raising my child. Oh and she said if it was a female, she wanted to name is Laa'ra after her Vampire friend who thinks I should be neutared or worse. Unless a further change of heart comes forth, it is all too obvious that whatever or whoever happened to her on her trip, decided I should be pushed out or marginalized.
My reveries are now, when I can rest, instead of seeing images of moments fo my life, my mind puts old images together in a new way. Showing me all too clearly of a happy family of three: Jaelle, our child and Elgon. Well the hell if I'll stand by when it happens. I made a promise to that child, to myself and to Jaelle. I will take care of my child or die trying. And if Jaelle sends our child off against her word to be raised by another without me.....
-
My moods continue to be depressed and sullen, it tough when your every waking moment you fear for your child and can do nothing to help. It is worse
yet when I can not find solace in reverie.
I refuse to let this part of my life go by empty or bitter though, so I have increased my training with the blade. Ami remains busy, but still finds time to meet with me for a few lessons here and there. It is rougher to be around her than I thought. I think we both agree my hand eye cordination is up to task, and that my pattern recognition and use of angles it above the normal. But as she pointed out its my footwork that is lacking. I spend too much time standing like a flat-footed human instead of being on the balls of my feet. Never thought about it before she brought it up. Guess its easier to look dashing when you pose. However, its also a lot easier to be hit and much hard to have the reactions that the rapier demands. I think I can thrust, parry 3, riposte blindfolded now. I am just working to get my footwork of to the point that my body will be in position to make my parry and riposte. I also found out through hard knocks its easier to move out of the way of some things than to hide behind a shield or parry them. Every try to parry a Forest Render? Good luck!
Speaking of shield, I think I am finally ready to give up that crutch. It is so easy to hide behing and turtle. But it blocks my vision, weighs me
down, makes me slower and throws my balance horribly off. Its not like I use a buckler even, but a full tower shield. I think I'll start off easy with
koblds and bugbears and see if my improving parry and footwork can keep me out of most of harms way. I am going to go buy some soft lighter boots,
instead of these splendid heavy ones. I am sure I can find something that is almost as handsome on me while being more practical.
I think it could work for the record, the bouncing around on the balls of my feet. Shifting, zipping, dodging and maybe someday rolling. I am sure
there will be times when I miss my shield, archers for instance. But I also think there will be far more time when it saves me from a stinging
hit I didn't need to take if I'd just of moved instead. Giants for instance, no matter how big my shield, when a giants clips it, my teeth rattle
and my arm goes numb. And as slow as they are, I am sure I can keep ahead of them.
Yes this will work, I will make it work. Ami believes I can do it, Pyyran is proof that the style is sound and deadly. I am fabulously gifted, there is no reason I can not at least hold my own with gobblins. I will set that as my bar for now.
I do this for myself and for you little one, if your mother does not see fit too kill me straight off. I will see to prolonging my lifespan. I will limit my visits with the soul mother and be your farther for as long as I can. I love you and your sister with all of my heart.
She at least has a mother and father that love her if something happens to me. What do you have? A reformed vampire, angry druid and a mother who struggles with the very concept of love?
No, you deserve more and I will see you get it. I will stop being a fool and hoping you can teach your mother to love. I still believe you can, but I am not willing to risk your happiness on it. I will find out if there is anything I can do to put stop gaps into place for you. Maybe I can negotiate an agreeable god parent. Or find a church or power that would help me see to your safety. I will still hope for the best, but now I am truely a fool is I will not plan for the worst.
Whatever may of happened Jaelle, know that I kept my word. I will look out for our child as you had me promise. 4 more months, how short a time
and how unbearably long. I pray your heart finds you. You promised me a place in our child's life. And we both know you didn't mean as a person whose opinions matter not at all. Please come to this realization on your own.
With all of my heart to you three,
Razeriem Greytree.
P.S.: Lealue, I can not tell you how happy you have made me. I look forward to my every visit with you. But I do know that you are well taken care of, better than I could ever do alone. I love you my little flower.
-
Well I took my trip over to the kobolds and I must say, they were not a good challenge. One or two at a time was not a challenge. It didn't force me to do much more than a standard attack routine or two. And 5 on one, was too hectic to get any real comfort with the techniques I am trying to work on. So I went back to Red Lights The challenge was on par, I am able to do more than hold my own with a goblin or two at a time. Well with my magics up anyway. I see no problem in using my magics. They are all enchancing magics anyway, just help me do what I am trying to do better. I got into a tight spot when they fell in one fight. But by that time it was one on one with a duel weilding goblin. And I was badly wounded by that point so I focused on keeping moving and parrying his attacks and returning ripostes when I could. Wish I could say he didn't penetrate my defenses but I can say he didn't get too many atacks through. And I did get off quite a few riposte strikes. I would of ended the contest fairly quickly but the darn thing healed itself like 4 times. And being in such a defensive mindset I was unable to interupt his spells. Oh well I will have to work on comming up with an answer down the road. For now I am happy with my performance. I have a lot of work left to do. Decades easily, but I do feel better about the whole thing.
Only other thing of note is that Dark Elf attacked Daniella and Anne. From what Daniella says and her word is golden to me the dark elf would of been able to remove himself from Anne's verbal requests. But instead he decided to charge and atack Anne. What a bloody fool. Just goes to show that the Dark Elves should be killed on sight. I heard that when the dark elf got apprehended and thrown into a holding cage he attacked and killed the other occupant, another dark elf. Guess even dark elves don't like dark elves. I happened by at the point and the short of it is Anne drug the drk elf outside of town shackled and told Daniella to execute him for his crimes. Daniella was obviously not comfortable doing such without a trial. I tried to tell her, if she'd of killed him in self defense it would of been acceptable. If she would of killed him for attacking Anne it would of been acceptable. If she would of killed him for being for being a dark elf it would of been acceptable, but
she was obviously not pleased with killing him when he ws shackled and 'helpless'. I can't fault her for that, but its such a waste to rely on trials and public executions in such simple matters. He is an evil spiteful creature that was apprehended while attempting to murder. he then committed murder while waiting sentencing. What more do you need? now I will say I was not pleased to see Anne rough him up while he was shackled and caged, either making herself feel better or just causing it pain to see it squirm...well either leave a bad taste with me. Give it a clean death and be done, after all that is one of the things that make us better than it. Oh and while Daniella and Anne were trying to decide if Daniella was going to execute it on Anne's command without trial, the thing up and bolt. I tripped it but it managed to find its feet and keep going.
I will say good for Daniella for not going against her morals even for Anne. But now she better find that dark elf and bring him in. If that dark elf kills anyone or steals someone's child. In my book she and Anne will both share the guilt. The only reason that dark elf is running around now is because those two botched an execution or failed to hold him for trial.
As they say good intention and all. I just hope the things departs the surface or Anne find's him soon.
~R
-
Same ole
Life continues to go on in the same manners. I have been adventuring a lot more. Something to occupy my time and mind i figure. The fighting style really is comming along. I am getting in the hang of always trying to be on the move. With that said however, I fell to two lousey goblins the other day. Guess they had iron weapons because my magics did not soften their blows. And it was just a bad encounter, seems each time I picked a direction to move to, one of the bloody creatures had a blade out adn waiting for me. By the end I got desperate and went on the complete offense. I took one of them in the throat but it cost me. The other one got in a nasty cut to the bone in my sword arm. Was an ugly thing to watch after that, I could never manage to get another hit in. But I did manage to stay alive for a while, with only one to evade, at least that went smoother. Ended up at the bindstone in anycase. Guess I have a long way yet to go in becoming a note worthy fencer.
Nothing else really to mention here. Just been adventuring with a semi regular group. We do well usually, but every once in a while... well the group isn't much more talented then I am, I am sorry to say.
Gala does owe me now though.
~R
-
Promise
I met with Ami today and a few friends. Aeronn, Daniella, Marec and Lairillia at the Vehl Arena. I got the chance to show Ami what I learned or at least some of it. I took parry practice with her and did alright I guess. She was really on fire tonight. And looked twice as good as that even. And then we dueled. I danced around her a good deal and when I felt my advantage I snaked in for the quick strike and knocked her down and got in a few quick strikes. Once she got back up, thing became horrible one sided against me. Guess that is why she is the teacher yet. I got in a well timed shot and a lucky one to boot. But alas she still had more then enough stamina to lay me out.
But I did win her admiration for the work I have put in. She said there was obvious improvment and one day I might make it as a Duelist. For now she says I have shown enough that she thinks I just might make it long enough to say further studies.
I swear if Calvin gets lost at sea or the like, I am going to let Ami know just what I think of her. Watching her duel some of the others later, really flamed my heart. With all this ..... stuff going on with Jaelle. It really makes me appreciate her all the more. Alas the fates are cruel and she is in love with another. And I must say he seems to be a good guy. Kind of pitiful, but a good guy.
Well we all indulged in duels afterwards. Don't think I won a single duel, but I didnt get to use my magics either. As much gains as I have made, I still have much much more to do. I feel like going for a walk and jus tenjoying the night sky. I will write more later.
~Razeriem
-
I was in town the other night just being spiteful to the world. I now my child is due any time now. And when i was headed into the bank I ran into Ophelia and her friend. The friend is was unknown to me a beautiful red head with pouty lips and a silken voice. She is a looker and she appearently had eyes for me. She plaied her charms, the licking of lips, playing with her hair, batting of lashes. I was not so sure she was not the most attractive lady of coin I had yet met. Either way, feeling down as I was, I figured it was a good investment. Wether it was time or coin. Tod happened by right then and Ophelia made it clear she had interest in him so I invited him along.
Tod sure does nto have any conifence with women, I think he was shaking in his boots. I had a little pep talk with him and he said he wouldn't know what to do with Ophelia. So I assured him he would not have to do anything, she'd take care of him. And I told him Ophelia would take it easy on him...make it easy on him. So Tod agreed to a double date and the four of us headed for Leringard.
On the ride over I found out Kali was the owner of the card emporium I frequent and the attached Inn and Arms. No lady of the coin indeed. I had this feeling I was in trouble again. Why would a lady with this much going for her be so straightforward and take charge with me? I mena I am use to women telling me what they want in no uncertain terms but Kali could have her pick, she did not need to be so blatant. I kinda figured it out at that point, that she is a Misty, but I refused to admit it. It felt good to have someone showing interest in me without me chasing her down for a change. So I didn't think it over too much.
We arrived at Leringard...except for Tod, he bailed out while loading. I even gave him an apple pie for stamina and courage.
Once to Leringard we went to Kali's Inn and had drinks...just chery juice for me. We talked a bit and Kali offerd to read my cards for me. I had not had that trick performed since I was a child...it sounded like fun.
Kali's divination magic's are strong. I cannot figure out how she or the cards could knwo so much about a stranger. But according to her reading the cards said I was in route for a major change in life and a rebirth of sorts or somethign like that. I just remember she knew about my troubles with Jaelle and the child, and then predicted a new begining. I hoped this meant one of my desperate plans would pan out. I will speak of them in another entry...maybe. I am not proud of considering them. Any the coupe de grace was she was able to name my hurdle, my trouble, the thing causing me such stress. I do not know how cards can do such a thing, but she provided the name Jaelle. As I said her divination magics are very powerful.
I was in a fog the rest of the evening. I know we flirted.....a lot, I was very taken by her at this time. The rest of the evening was pleasant but I do not remember much. I did finally get her name at this point, Kali. The person Jaelle asked me not to have relations with. The only person Jaelle asked me not to have relations with. This thought would grow with me after I parted with Kali. I was and am very tempted to make a real play for Kali just to spite Jaelle. It is only fair afterall? Jaelle broke the only promise she made me that was worth having? I did feel a reluctance from Kali to comment on all the flirting she did, but I still think I could bend her will with a few strategic kisses. Btu the evening was called done before I had to choose and I was left with too much to think about.
First instinct are that Kali can be a major ally, possibly a friend as we both share many feeling on Jaelle. It was like Kali is just what I needed when I needed it. I hae noone I can talk to about my true woes right now. I share much with Ayana, but its like I am telling a story as opposed to sharing with a friend for counsel. I think she is just ill at ease with the whole ordeal.
~Raz
-
*this page has been ripped out and burnt since its penning. //left her for character insight.*
I know my child might be born already or at least is due at any time. I am very distraught. I have no faith in Jaelle at all to do what is best for the child. I am still afraid she will see it as a failure to her abilities and thus exile it form her care so she will not have to be reminded of her failings. problem being is that if it is female I think she is half likely to give it to Laa'ra. Jaelle claimed Laa'ra is reformed and no longer a vampire. But I can not believe such words after to blantant of a reversal on a promise. I have to believe she says what is convientant not what is true.
I hurt beyond reason when I consider my little girl being raised by an evil creature like Laa'ra. Not to mention she seems to be very in protective of Jaelle. Jaelle admitted that Laa'ra woudl kill me for the pain I caused her, as Jaelle would have to do is not speak against the action. Just what I want raising my child, a blood thirsty psychopathic killer!
I know I can not steal the child from Jaelle, she is too powerful for me. The only good that could come from it would be my death in attempt to take care of my child. But ultimately I would then be abadoning my child altogether.
So I wracked my head for ideas and the only one I can come up with that sounds plausible sounds horrible. I think if I offered to get Jaelle for Anne, Anne would let me take my child. As long as I do not have to watch it happen I think I could live with it. And if I were lucky Laa'ra would attack the Toranite church where Anne was and they could end the threat that is Laa'ra. And since the Toranites would know what they are getting into I would need feel no guilt for any losses. And then finally, maybe my child could find peace. I of course will have to leave Mistone and seek a mage capable of cloaking the two of us. I hope I have enough coin. I will think this over for the night and see if my will holds or if I chicken out of such a distasteful thought.
~R
-
*This entry has been torn out and burnt since pening. //entry left for character insight.*
Well I joined a group that ..well to the point of the matter. There were demons, demonic spiders, very powerful Gnolls, visits to the soul mother and lots of death. AND Jaelle never turned home for saftey, she drug our child through all of this taint and death for herown desires. I decides I can not hold out any hope that Jaelle will do what is right for out child so....
I spoke with Anne, she says she will honor the plan as I layed it forth with one exception. I curse myself for not thinking of this simple thing. Anne said she refused to take the child form Jaelle before its birth but would keep Jaelle in custody until its birth and then hand the child over to me.
But I had to deliver Jaelle to a sot by herself or with Laa'ra. At most Jaelle and one other person. I have been trying to get in touch with Jaelle since then and we exchanged falcons, and I know this plan was dead before it truely began. Jaelle curses me and would not see me for all the gold in the world.
So I sold my morales for nothign but a pipe dream. I feel more desperate than ever before now. I must do something....anything to help my child. I'd sell my soul to a devil for my child's health and freedom. Problem being I know no devils.
I will keep my mind open to any chances that fall my way. I will have to be ready to move quickly if a chance presents itself.
I think I may confide in Kali enough to see if she has any contacts or ideas I may use. I think she dislikes Jaelle enough that I could trust her in this. Oh, and I was right, she is a Misty. I guess that explains why she was so interested in me. Mist must've decided to throw her at me as well. I swear I do not understand in infatuation Mist has with me. When this is all over, I will have to figure out what I know and what to do about it.
I just have too much to worry about now to waste effort on Mist. But for now I'll hope Kali's oposition to Jaelle keeps her perdictable enough to be helpful. And yes even knowing that she is a Misty, I still like Kali and think or hope she is a good person.
~Raz
-
Desperation builds. I know my plan with Anne will most likely never have a chance to succeed and I am at ropes end. I will take the only chance I can think of to still take action and try to make things better for my child. I can't say I'd choose it under normal circumstances. But as I have witnessed, Jaelle can not be trusted to look after our child.
~R
-
I met with Kali again. I tried to increase whatver bond we do have together by letting her know I'd be open to the idea of betraying my promise to Jaelle if she'd help me, or more importantly help my child. She was strangly distant this time. She still flirted but it was like she was activly restraining herself from my advances. For whatever reason, she now likes I am dangerous to her. Heck maybe I am.
So I told her my desperate plan, if she can help me or if I succeed in getting my child away from Jaelle. I want her and hers to raise it if they think they could keep it out of sight of Jaelle and whatever magics she'd employ. I figured that Kali would jump at the chance to deliver this blow of blow to her rival. But she met it with almost fear. She asked me many serious question, which I answered. Mainly the whys. I told her some chance is better than the odds I saw with Jaelle. That Jaelle was wreckless. I also told her a condition was that I still spoke for the child and was granted access to see it whenever I desired.
I do not remember most of the rest of the conversation. I know I moved out of the room in her Inns and Arms I had just recently rented. I did not want to be seen associating withher any more than needed.
I feel like a mad man. In the end she said she'd get back to me.
~R
-
So I had my third meetign with Kali.
She said she'd help me find a place for the child to be cared for, but she doubted it would be under her roof. If it was a very temporary thing, she'd see to its immediate safety and then move it when possible. She listed 3 or 4 possibilities, I knew nothing about any of them except she thought they would work.
I said I would take her up if the fates say to delivering my child to me. But I also confided that I doubt that would happen now. I believe Jaelle has went into hiding or a safe house. I doubt I will see her again until after the child is born or destroyed.
I spent the evening talking with Kali, just glad to have someone to talk to. I feel very alone. I am beging to look on my life with new eyes. I think I only have three I could call friend and that is if I trust Kali to be named one. And truth is I do not know her well, but I need to trust someone. Alatriel is the second and she is as overwhlemed with her troubles as i am with mine. Ayana is the third, but we are working out what we are and are not. And I just would not burden her with all of the detials and depths I am in. The only other I may call friend is Ami, but I believe ...I don't know. But we have forced seperation so I do not know what we are.
Point being I have put so much hope and blind faith in Kali because she knows Jaelle and is willing to listen. Her silky voice and easy smile helps me from feeling insane or completly helpless.
But at nights when left alone, I am all put paralyzed with the fear for my child and my inability to do anything to help it. I have to find some way that to help my child. I must find some way to live up to my word.
~Raz.
-
Kali took me out for a boat ride yesterday. Said she wanted to show my the glory of the sea and Mist's softer side. So she arranged out passage on a mid sized sailing boat and we departed. She cut quite the figure on the deck. The things I would like to do to the elf. Good thing she is keeping a wall between us in that regard of my promise would not be a thought in my head.
We were out for 40 minutes or so when the skies started to darken. I got an immediatly bad feeling but noone paid in any attention for the first few minutes. And then the storm came on with ublelievabel speed and caught us before we could get back to land. The speed gave it a run, trying to outrace it back to Vehl. The unity of the crew and the way they all work tgether is somethign to see. And Kali did more than cut a figure, she looked like she belonged on a ship, must be that Misty thing. She helped tie some lines and release other, sung songs to boost moral and speed things along.
But in the end, the storm caught us just off the coast. I do not remember much in the chaos but I know it didn't take long. I remember the horrible sound of the boat main post thingy that holds the sail snapping. i remember waves taking a few crew men over the side and the ship taking on large amounts of water. I was told to go below, but I oddly felt I had to look into this face of Mist. So I stood on deck holding onto a cargo net with all my strength against the rocking, against the winds and against the chaos.
We must of been in sight of land if not for the storm because despite the crews heroic efforts, the ship hit something and they said the bottom of the ship had split and she was lost. That is was every man for them self. I lost track of Kali and I did know I was on my own. The ship went down so fast, but with everyone else goign overboard, I followed suit. I saw two men be pulled under and there was nothign I could do. And then I remember seeign what I thought was land. Then the waves put me near another of the crew men and we both fought to just stay afloat. I knew his strength was failing him and my was exhausting even with my magic rings. But i could not watch another die so I grabbed the neck of his shirt and we just managed to stay sbove water. He said the tide woudl see us ashore if we coudl just stay afloat. I remember actually seeing the land in the not too far distance and then... we passed through a bunch of rocks right off the coast. Or rather I guess I did. One wave threw us both into a rock. I remember the sailor I was helping hitting the rock and the snapping of bone. I know he was caught between myself and the rock and took the brunt of the force. But even with that said, I had the wind knocked out of me and ... I remember no more.
I was woken up, on shore, some time later by Kali and her healing magic. I do not think she said but one word to me, Sorry. And left, I believe to look for other survivors to help. I staggered the shore for hours. i found two bodies and one other surviver that got himself to shore. The survivor and I staggered back to town and parted. I never did find out what happened to the man I tried to help make it to shore, but I know in my heart he did not make it.
The softer side of Mist eh? I am not impressed. A whole crew destroyed, why? Because Kali decided we two should take their vessel? Its so unfair. I hate you Mist, it makes no sense. I know this only happened because i was on the vessel. But why? I do not understadn the message. You let me live, so it wasn't to kill me or warn me off of Jaelle and my child.
Nevermind, I have enough real worries to contend to without trying to figure out your motivations! If you want to send me a message try a falcon, or better yet, why don't you just have Kali tell me in person. I can be dense on occasions.
~R
-
I ran into Ayana and she helped me gather a few things for Elohanna. Elohanna is making me a few scrolls at my request and payment.
I had a great time with Ayana. If I make it through this ordeal, I may seriously think about us becoming more. I think she could do better, but if I end up with my chidl by some miracle and I am not on the run. I think she could be a good influence for a child, even if she shares blood with Elgon. I can not say I feel that serious about her, but I have been awefully overwhelmed since I have known her. I can't say I know how I truely feel about anything. I will jsut say I like her a lot, I consider her a friend, and she is easy on the eyes.
At the end of our little trip we met with Ben Poetr who played protective uncle for her and tried to scare me straight. I do liek the grumpy old human. I played my part and said I'd behave myself.
When we were pickign up the parchament for Ben in the crafting hall Ayana's old friend Dradnats arrived and reunited with Ayana. I could not of been happier for her. I knwo she needs the friend. And they had a past together, as friends. So they already had that bond to work with.
I took my leave shortly there after and actual smiled for Ayana. I wish i had a friend to return to me and help me through my trials.
~R
-
My child has to be coming any day now, if it has not already.
I ran into Dradnats and Ayana again. They are engaged. Ayana never even mentioned a word to me.... Guess maybe I was seeing things that were nto there. I can not believe that she didn't tell me before she agreed. OR in person before I ran into the two of them in town. I could really of reacted bad to it, couldn't I? I guess not, I can not say I am anythign but happy for them both. Dradnats seems a real decent fellow for Xeenite. Adn if it makes Ayana happy, then one less tie I have to this world if things should go sour.
I spke with them both for a while and gave Dradnats the third degree. He does seem a good guy. I asked Ayana for a godo bye kiss. I figured with her love being true to Dradnats, out kiss would not ring with true emtotion and she'd see she did choose correctly. Drad said he did not mind. But Ayana could not bring herself to it. So we hugged, i wished her well and I went off to kill things.
I have been doign a lot of killing things. Noone was at the Inn and Arms. And I have not seen Alatriel, so I am alone with noone to confide in. The not knowing my child is alright is killign me inside.
~R
-
Dated Ocular 27th.
Deal with the Devil
Yesterday was life changing and I can only hope in a good way.
I had this unnatural feeling that my child was on its way in the next few days, Mist no doubt demanding my attention. Anyway with this overwhelming feeling that something bad was going to take place and not a friend in sight. I looked for any of my friends and not a one was around! Left alone with this horrible and hollow feeling, I went back to one of my oldest friends. I tried to drink my fears away. Before too long in my innebratied state, I decided I needed holy water and went to find Daniella. I could find her no where and eventually went to the crypts of Vehl to look for her.
As I passed the crossed roads guess who I found?! Kali...and Alatriel. They were convientantly in my path, almost as someone or something set them there for me to find. Kali was reading cards for Alatriel. I did not even know the two knew each other. So after they realised I was not walking straight they stopped me and asked me my troubles. Kali then removed the effects of the alcohol and I think that might of did more harm than good. Too much brain power turned on too fast. I told them something bad was going down and I did not like it one bit.
Kali said she felt something as well and pulled one of her damned prophetic cards form her deck. The water elemental, symbol of Mist she said. Great just what I needed, Mist showing her face when everythign looked its bleakest. Something about that picture on that card, immediatly I knew my child and possibly its life was at stake. I spoke my fears to Kali and Alatriel and told them my child was in danger, and Mist had yet another hand in it.
Kali told me that is how she was converted to Mist, that Mist held her child as a bargaining chip. She said that she made her vows to Mist and converted and her child has been healthy and free of Mist ever since. It was so clear to me then what everything was about, ever since I stepped foot on her cursed island. Mist had been smitten with me since that day, probably because I spoke on her holy ground how I had no place in my life for the gods and just wanted to be left. Why must virtually every female make demands on me? I am becoming seriously bitter. I am not sure I can consider myself with more than a friend or two any more. I wonder if that was my doing or Hers?
In any case, I think Mist decided that day to form this very event to occur. I think she called up a storm when Jaelle and I crossed back to Lerginard. A storm thet threw us together and lead to the night of conception. I think Mist further played chaos bringer and caused Jaelle protections to fail and thus her to become pregnant. I think Mist realized I have no stronger bond in life than to my child and now children and she knew it worked before on Kali and would work again on the elf that dared walk on her island and thumb his nose at her.
I think back now to all of the events small and large that lead me to here, and it had to be devine influence noone is that unlucky. It would be like rolling fifty twenty sided dice and never rolling above a 6. No, noone is that unlucky, Mist had her sights set and planned from the begining. Everytime it looked like I would bond with Jaelle and possibly convince her to give us a real chance. Mist would enter with one of her faithful thrown at my feet and within days Jaelle would miraculously find out and be outraged, even if it ws her ide ain the begning. And everytime, I would almost completly break with Jaelle and consider it over before it began. Enter Mist with a calm and unforgetable day on the ocean. The subtle signs were there too. When did the merchant have only lightning enchantment in stock when I went shopping? Why did Elohanna make an all blue outfit for me when she had the entire color spectrum available? Why did one of her faithful show up whenever I need a shove in the right direction. Why did Kali show up, when I was on the verge of doing something drastic? Obviously to calm me and once again shove me onto the path of Mist's choosing.
Well it all worked, there I was, Mist's pawn Kali clearly telling me that if I swore to Mist, my child would live and be free. I was left with no choice, no father would be. So I made quick travel to Mist's temple to have it out with her, one way or the other. Obviously my child could wait no longer and even as dense as I am she finally got her message across loud and clear. Besides, Mist kept her deal with Kali: Kali says her child is healthy and well. I have to believe she will keep a second bargain with me.
The part I had and have to figure out is what she expects from me in exchange. She has to knwo I can not be one of her faithful, I doubt I could even be a worshiper. I have no doubts in her power, but I can not surrender free will even if I tried. It would have to be torn from me.
I made my voyage to Mist's island arriving at the birth of the new day on Occular 26th. I yelled at Nelle and told her to bring her mistress so I could speak to her. As usual Nelle chuckled at my stupidity and guestured to the sea. She said if I had something to say, go say it. I swear all Misties sound alike.
With my fate already set I rowed out into the upcoming storm. I had a child to save and a price to pay. When I got close enough, I started cursing Mist's name and the storm picked up. I obviously had her attention. I then growled at my displeasure of the whole arrangment, of using a child and demanded my child's release. Not surprisngly, the storm went quite and unresponsive.
There it was laid before me, asking and demanding was not going to accomplish anything. She wanted something in return. I did what I swore I would do, I did whatever it took to save my child. I sold my soul to the devil, I made a deal with Mist.
I stood with all of my rage on the bow of the tiny boat and told her my demands to any forthcoming bargain. I made three of them. Maybe I should of asked for more or different, but its hard to think when your blood is pumping. But I know she was listening because the storms immediatly picked up and tossed me around. As I made each condition the boat got tossed, as if she were nodding in agreement to anticipated concerns. At least I believe.
The storm held in force for a long while as if waiting. So I spoke words I do not even understand what mean. I still do not know what I have agreed to or the conditions they set on me. I yelled in outrage that I would be hers. That I would be her plaything if it amused her. I swore I would go where she sent me and do as commanded. I told her I'd never hurt an innocent for her, and that I would not preach her word. But if I was called on to spread chaos or whatever the hell she demands of her faithful I would. Or I would as long as she upheld the demands I made upon her.
Immediately after speaking my words I was thrown hard into the boat, once again I tell myself that was her accepting the terms, but reminding me of her wrath. I lashed out at her at that moment, making it known I would be in charge of my affairs and she would be happy when I had time to see to her affairs. I called her the wench of the sea for what she did to Jaelle, myself and our child. This was too much it appears, for immediatly a bolt of lightning struck the boat next to me sending a spray of splinters into my body. The boat all but vaporized and I was sent into her waters for a more personal conversation.
I fought as hard as I could be in all of the rage and and power, and she wore me out and in place. She obviously wanted it known who would be calling the shots. When I lost the will or ability to stay afloat, I saw the heart of Mist. I really did make a deal with the devil. As I was pulled under and my air ran out, I found the only solace I could. I agreed to be hers, that she calls the shots, and to answer when called upon. But I never swore to be her faithful, I never swore to devote to her alone, I swore I would not hurt good people or try to yoke them to her influence. I will not surrender my free will. And I never promised I would not try to cause chaos to her own followers, to spread her ways in the heart of her own.
She has to know I know virtually nothign of her doctrine or friends and allies. I asked Kali to teach me what she knew. I will do as I bargained, but it may be a slow learning curve, she will just have to be patient.
And it may all be for not, if she does not hold her end of the bargain. One year passes all too quickly.
The only good thing I can say for sure happened out of last night is that I do feel confident that when my child is born it will be healthy and it will not be given to Laa'ra to be raised. I also know Jaelle will not die in labor.
I just have to hope Mist will see to the other two clauses of our deal. I have to have something to hope in, something to believe in. I need my child healthy and happy or I am truely a ship lost at sea. Gods did I use a sailing refrence, I should be put out of my misery for that.
~Razeriem
//These are the events as Raz viewed and heard them, not what was actually said. For instance Kali said something about her child and converting to Mist and Raz rolled a couple wis rolls of two and three and ran off with his own 'understandings' Kali just failed to correct him.//
-
I ran into Dradnats again and he asked for a few moments of my time. When I asked what was goign on, he suprised me and asked me to be his best man.
Gut reaction was happiness and I accepted. Now removed form the instance I am sadden, I still like I have lost a good deal of the relationship between Ayana and I. I can tell she does nto trust herself around me. Not really. I think it would hurt more if I was not so emotionally wrecked from my real ordeals.
I told Drad that I would be happy to act as such for him if it was in the next eight months, but after that I could only try. He was most grateful. For a Xeenite, he is a pretty good guy. I think I am suupose to consider them an Ally? I am so lost. I really need Kali or someone to help me with all this... stuff. If Mist wants me to be her pet, she better start working on my training; otherwise I might pee all over things before I learn what's expected.
~Raz
-
Joined a party into the moutians after that oil again. Everything went well and noone died. Elgon was there, I do not know what to think of him. We ignore each other because it makes things easier but I don't know what to do with him. I do not think he is a bad guy and definatly not evil. But I can not figure out how stupid he is and how much he is being strung along by the forces in play. I do beleive he cost me at least one chance to be with my child. And that I can not forgive him for. But I also can't hold any true anger for him in my heart. I like to think its becuase I recognise the good he does for others, but truth is, there just may be no room left in my heart for such a strong emotion.
After our trek returned and we collected our rewards, Ayana found me alone and we talked. She still does not trust herself fully when we are alone. I still think she should kiss me and find for herself that Dradnats is her love and I was just a passing ship. Anyway, she apologized for how I found out about her engagment and said she just got swept up in it and had no chance to find me and tell me before hand. I told her that the fact she took the time now to say such, I can forgive her and wish her all the happiness she deserves. After all she is related to Elgon, she is due some happiness. I do not think she knows Drad asked me to be best man as she promised to invite me to the wedding.
Other than that she said she would always wonder what might of been and wished me happiness. I again told her she should share a goodbye kiss and fre herself many future years of undue wondering. To remove all doubt, but the best she could manage was a hug and then she departed. I hope she never wonders again, if Drad is the right one, there should be no real doubts in her heart.
Then again i was always a romantic fool.
~Raz
-
I am so lost and hurt and alone. I still have not heard word if I have a child. I do not actually know that Jaelle survived. I know nothing. Kali has gone away. I am begining to wonder if her part in all of this was played out and now she has gone on to other projects.
I have not seen Ami in a few weeks, she is not avoiding me...just busy. Alatriel is unreachable, not that I blame her. In many ways she going through what I am. I wonder what god she ticked off. Like me she thumbs her nose at the gods.
I have nothing to focus on except dispair, my swordplay and my desperate belief that Mist will keep her bargain and see to my child. I have killed goblins in such numbers I fail to be able to estimate them. I have been focusing on making my rapier strikes go exactly where I mena them to. To steal an eye, or tear a muscle form the bone, ..heck or to just plain cause the part of the pain I feel.
I am getting too good at it.
~R
-
I saw her!
I went to Jil and Marcus' wedding to do some research for my role as bestman. I do nto knwo wha tis custom in this land.
When I got there Jaelle was present in that red dress I use to find so invigorating. And she was holding a tiny little bundle. My child! I immediatly got sick to my stomach. There was my child so close, and so far away. I feared if I so much as talked to Jaelle she'd cloak herself in invisibility and simply leave. Of that she'd ask for me to be removed from site. After all I was not officilly invited, I was just attending because I knew Marcus and there were slyer saying all were invited. I could not tear my eyes from that little bundle. But I moved on and tried to contain my stomach.
The wedding and vows were performed. But I do not remember much of them, I was in my own world. I wanted more than anything to go and see her to hold her and confirm it was not an illusion or cruel trick. But as faint as I was feeling I managed to hold true to my faith that if I was a good boy that Mist would do her part. After all, here I was, in sight of my child. More than I was able to accomplish myself.
When the cerimony was complete, there were fireworks. A display like I've never seen before, too bad my head could not look skyward. I say Jaelle cast something on our child, but the child seemed pleased by it and appears to fall asleep. Speaking on Jaelle, I was nto sure it was not an illusion. She looked so comfortable with the child. I predicted that the child would change her and give her a chance at the life she bared from herself. But I can not beleive the change without verifying it was not some trick. I thought maybe it was an illusion and she just wanted to see if I'd try to take otu child by force. I kept myself in check and told myself it'll work out in time.
After the fireworks everyone ate and socialized. The thought of food left me sicker and I wandered off to the edge of the lake. I guess it was being that wound up for so long, but my body took over and I vomited into the lake. I immediatly felt better. It was like releasing part of the nerves and pressure.
I am not sure who noticed, I think Elohanna did as she came over to talk. She told me that I had a daughter!! See, my bahavior was being rewards. I demonstrated faith and now I knew I had a daughter. I do not knwo what else we talked about but someone started comming over to pry into what was going on. That was too much, I shrouded myself from sight and moved to another part of the lake where I could think. I just did not have it in me to talk to someone else. I needed to find a handle on things.
A daughter!
It appears my faith was rewarded again, because Jaelle came over to me with our daughter. I told her that I was glad they were both healthy. And then asked if I was allowed to see out daughter or if she had other plans. Mainly if she came to torment me. Jaelle said that I could see her, and the way she said it, I do not think she trusted me much at all. I had JAelle unwrap her enough so I could see her. And how my heart sang, there she was in arms reach. So precious and beautiful. So tiny and so like Jaelle, an exact match except for the baby blue eyes. I guess this should of come as no surprise, for her to show none of my characteristics. After all I am sure this was part of the buy off from Mist to Jaelle.
I wanted to hold her so badly, more than anything else in the world, I was going to even ask or demand such from Jaelle, the hell with demonstrating more faith. Except for one unexpected flaw. As soon as I saw how tiny and precious she was, I was afraid to hold her. I have always been graceful, but in the moment I felt like nothing more than a lumbering clod. My hands were not good enough for that beautiful little angel. But I could not help but touch her and feel her silky soft skin. I figured I could nto drop her it I only touched her, Jaelle looked so comfortable with her. It seems Jaelle and I juxtaposed in this regard. Maybe its for the best, it forced me to to try to push things with Jaelle faster than she was comfortable. And after all she said I could see our daughter but never offered her to me, I had to ask for to unbundle her even.
I found out she had not yet been named, this bothers me still. But before anythign more could happen, Jaelle said good bye and left. I can not express the feelings in words. I am in love with that child as much as anything in the world. But I know I can not overstep my bounds or Jaelle may turn on me and I not see the child again while I draw breath.
If I wated this long what 7 more months? It will all work out. I just have to be a good boy. After all I do get to see and touch my daughter. More than I was ever able to accomplish on my own. At the rate I was last going on my own, I'd of driven Jaelle into deep hiding or myself form this world.
Seven more moths, I just have to do as bid. And not upset Jaelle. Let Mist handle her for me.
~R
My daughters are the most beautiful things ever seen in the world.
-
Faith
I got to meet with Alatriel on one of her rare visits to town. I hear that they are moving her house to somewhere practical and I offered to help were I can. I figured if nothing else I could buy a few lionskin bags form Aerimor. They cost a pretty penny and that way she could have the money without fealing it to be charity. And truth be told, I could actually use the bags. Would make my life easier. I meet her in the crafting hall were she cut some gems for me. And she todl me that Jaelle (the wench) and my daughter were in town center.
I todl her I had to go see, I needed to try or at least be available if I had the oppurtunity. I also tried to tell Alatriel that Jaelle might be partially a victim in this. That did not go over well and I let it drop, I just wanted to see my daughter.
I cam einto town central and there were a number of folks including Jaelle and my daughter. I walked by and soaked in ever detial I could manage before makign my way to the bank to get the money for Alatriel. I then choose a bench in sight of the group and waited.
Alatriel came up and asked if the wench let me hold my child. I couldn't tell her how afraid i was of breaking her so I just said no. Alatriel then shared some more venom and then went to go talk to Jaelle. I left to the bank quickly, I did not need backlash form whatever Alatriel was going to say. Not when things were starting to look up. No I just hoped Alatriel did not sabotage me.
Alatriel showed up a few minutes later and told me Jaelle woudl talk to me. I was beside myself. How did Alatriel manage that?! I confirmed that Jaelle would see me and let me hold my daughter and Alatriel said sure just go demand to hold her. How my spirits sank, I guess she can't see that that is not how it works. If I go make demands of Jaelle, I am apt to loose everything. Alatriel could see my change of demeanor and told me to go demand to see my child. I guess it was having the belief that I could be given to me and then yanked right back away, but I was furious with her. She obviously just does nto understand that I have a deal in place and if I don't screw it up its working out.
I was harsh, I threw the bag of true at her and told her to go save her own damned child and try not to screw things up for me and mine.
I know now she was trying to help and I owe her an apology. After all she just wishes her problem was fighting with the parent. Her child may very well not live. I will have to make sure that when and if she gets a chance at helping her child that I am first in line.
I am just so petrified of upsetting the balance with Jaelle that inaction is the only action I am left to. If I knew she'd not hold the child as a bargaining chip. If it was just me and her, there are many chances I'd take. I am very interested to see the extent of the change that came over her and if it appears it will last. I would even apologize for our troubles. There is no way things should of worked out as they did. I have to believe there was horrible miscommunications and or Mist at work. I would now even forgive her for everything except breaking her promise that I had a place in my childs life.
I have now sold my soul to her mistress to combat that very thing. I really have put everything on the line. I really do not think I could take the heartbreak of lossing my child again.
The first promise I ever made to myself was that I would be a parent then my parents were to me. And now I am failing both of my daughters. I am too afraid to visit Laelue as I am. I am sure someone would notice the depth of my dispair. At least Lealue has two loving parents now. But I am well on the way of failing my promise to her. And obviously there is nothing I am allowed to do for my unamed daughter.
Six more months, I just have to keep myself together for six more months.
~R
-
Kali is still gone. I have not seen my Daughter, Ayana, or Alatriel.
I have no idea how to strive to keep my end of the deal with Mist, I am left without guidance.
I have been immersing myself in sword play and gathering gold. Maybe I will buy my own house. It would be somethign constructive to do and keep me busy.
~R
-
I ran into Ami last night. I forgot how much I really like her, how strong of feelings I have for her. I have only had feeligns that strong for Soshia, Jaelle and Ami. I of course lost Soshia from being yougn and foolish. Jaelle we know how went. And Ami has her own love, blasted Calvin. Despite everything, I still love each of them and guess I always will, even if none of them will ever come to be anything.
I ended up in the arena with Ami, anxious to show her my improvments and just soak her in. I was high of the energy of just being around her. Somehow I managed to best her twice in the arena. The first time I am sure she just underestimated me. The second time, I have to believe luck or not, I actually bested her. The second roudn carried a stake of a lock of hair. I will cherish it always. Ami was a friend when I needed one, a teacher when I needed a directon and someone that makes me feel good about the fact I am alive.
Ami was very into flirting with me all night, there was a lot of tension between us. I guess she has more faith in me to not try to pull her over the line than I am that i will nto try. I try to hurt noone, but I have so much going on, I do not trust myself to not try to press the issue between us. But for this night anyway, I was able to behave myself, of course having witnesses aroudn didn't hurt.
We ended up going to The Mino caves on Dragon island. Tod, Ami, Daniella and Aeronn. And everything went well until we headed out and Tod got the attention of too many of them. The whole party was lost. I meet back with the others save Ami. Ami sent a message ahead that she would sit in reflection over her death and not be rejoining us to recover our spirits.
I arrived and offered to invis us and go collect our bodies. And Aeronn todl me he could not accept the shroud of invisibility to recover his soul. That Roferien did nto allow his followers to walk unseen in the midst of their enemies. What stupid ludicrious nonesense was this?! Did he think the Minotaurs would allow him to gather his grave and then after he rested, fight him honorably? The fool really believed is was right to refuse justly offerd help. I am for laws when they are reasonable and help people. But this was complete nonesense and I todl him so. Daniella chimed in that she didn't want us to fight. So I fired a departing salvo and left.
I told Aeronn to think how an innocent would feel is she came up to him in a few hours and needed depserate help then and there and he was unable to help here because he was still suffering from his weakened soul. Hwo he would feel if a few monsters he'd normally be able to best came up next and killed the lady and him. I asked him to think how lawful Roferien's law was then. How did it help Aeronn, Roferien, or the innocent who was removed from the world because he refused a simple spell.
Doesn't the fool realize the gods will just push you around for amusement? That you have to stand up to them or be lost to them? I guess not, he is a knight.
~Raz
-
I went on an a delivery errand with a group of adventurers in Dregar. The part that was interesting was that a storm drove us into a house and once in there we discovered 4 levers in various rooms. Elgon liek an idiot pulled one, even though I asked him not to. He dissapeared in a flash of light. A few others then pulled the various levers each dissapearing. The group of us left, Tod, Caerwyn, Amand and myself debated on wether to copy the action of leave them to their fate. Amanda eventually gav ein and said she was goign after them. I could not let her go without me, the rest of them save Tod, deserve what they get. But I aggread to go with Amanda and Caerwyn. Tod stayed behidn ot deliver the package.
After we pulled the lever together I found myself in a dark room trapped. After what seemed a day Amanda freed myself and the other from our rooms. All of us were present save Tod who stayed behind. We explored the area nd foudn two portals. Amanda asked MArcus and I to tak eon and see if we ended up top side. We had a strong feeling it would and st her request we stepped through. She was right we were in the house again. We waited for a long number of hours before Tod showed up with help to save us and we explained everythign was alright. After a number of hours more the others arrived via portal. I was relieved to see Amanda and gav eher a hug and kiss on the cheek. She told me she was glad there were not two Raz's and said she had a story to tell.
After we got back and a week passed I met with Amanda and she explined that after Marcus and I left that the others ran into a group of clones of us. They had not our gear but for all other determinable purposes where us. They said that the lever triggered a cloning spell. And accoring to the information Amanda got the clone were unable to leave the other area and survive, but if they stayed in th eother are athey would live a normal life. The Marcus and Elgon clones decided to stay behind. The Amanda and Caerwyn clones opted for oblivion and noone knows what happened to my clone. I think if i was he and i knew I coudl never see my daughter, I may of opted for the easy out too. Amanda had little information for me concerning my clone except he was not clothed like the others and was very quite. I find that worrisome, he must of figured out he ws trapped there. At least that is my guess.
I thanked Amanda, she really is a sweet young lady. And we talked briefly about my daughters. Her reaccount of the events gave me a desperate idea.
~Raz
-
I met with Jaelle in one las thope fo reconciling and failing that to present my desperate idea.
Well she made it painfully and obviously clear that she wanted nothing to do with me and that the only reason she arrived was because my note said my plan woudl assure my departure from the lands we share. I do not know how she came to hate me so, but it hurts almost as much as not being able to hodl my daughter or be in her life.
So once my words of a last attempt at reconciling feel on deaf ears I presented my plan. I explained all I knew about the house with the levers and the clones. I then requested that she allow me and a clone of my daughter to live there out of the way for as long as it took. Well or my clone and my daughter's clone, not sure how that would of worked out. Well she lost her temper with me again saying I was the most unfit father and selfish thing she had ever known. How could I curse a child to livign in a confined area for possibly her whole life. I explained that the creator's clone according to Amanda was close to unravaling the flaws and those possible being able to lift the restrictions of staying in the area. Then my daughter and i would leave to parts unknown and remian out of her way. She again reinforced what she thought or me, and my treatment of the theoretical child.
So I left, didn't even get to see my child. And it appears I will never get to hold her. I am afraid I have no trust in Mist, no belief in myself, no faith in Jaelle and no hope to see my child. Every day is a day of torment. I ask why I bother to care. Ever day it becomes harder to find a reason to go anywhere. I am a poor pawn for Mist, even her faithful will not take the time to help me learn what I need to be of use to her. I even now finally believe we deserve each other, miserable couple we are. I will stil attempt to live up to my word with her and see if there is some back end miracle. But I know I am a walking fool now.
I fear I have no where to turn to. I thought i had friends, but now that I need them its been a quite year. A year of lonely torment. I know Ayana wishes me well but has not the time or ability to help me with her budding new life. I know Alatriel tried to help me, but I was too foolish to listen. Now she is fighting for her own soul and has not the time for someone that cast her last tries to help away.
It my worst nightmare come to life. All I ever wanted was love, someone to love and attention. I have to guess I was not cut out for this world, it has no place for idealistic fools. I think I will update my will ...just in case.
~Raz
-
Last will and testiment of Razeriem Greytree
Be it know that it is my wish and desire for my funds and possessions to be divided as follows:
Lealue- The sum of 20,000 true and my favorite story book I had as a child. My parents will provide it from storage at their residence.
My second daughter- My spellbook and journal (Once Jaelle is done with it.) I also leave her my favorite blanket (also in storage at my parents.)
My parents- May you be better grandparents to your grand daughter Lealue than you were parents to me. I hope you make the time make her feel as special as she is. She is a very bright and beautiful little girl.
Alatriel, the one friend that always tried to be there for me- all monies left after paying any due fees and Lealue's inheritance, to be used to giv eyour child everything it has not had over these last few years. My heart goes out to him.
Jaelle, life's greatest high and lowest low- My journal (to be passed to our daughter when she is of age,) The letter you wrote me, that is inserted in this page. And a wrapped box that you once presented to me when you foolishly let your guard down far enough to love a cursed elf.
Aerimor, the angry druid and Alatriel's love- I leave my favorite card deck for the card emporium. I challenge him to find a better tweak than I run and challenge him to win more games than I did. Maybe it will help mellow him out to have to do something mindless for a while. Being too serious is a fault.
Ayana, my once friend with a new chance at life- I leave her a blue rose and the Exceptional Fire Agate ring in my posessions. Along with my thanks for what might of been and the sight of her in a dress that I will carry to my grave.
Ami, my teacher and my heart's desire- I leave her my bracers of the sword dancer and my enchanted iron rapier. I hope Calvin loves you as much as I feel I always have. Thank you for giving me purpose and aptitude with a blade. Our moment that almost was will burn in my heart forever.
Elohanna, a passing ear and kind lady that was pleasant troubel in her time.- I leave the outfit of blue that she had created for me from scratch. My clothes always looked better on her than me anyway.
Daniella, we had an odd friendship, but I always envied your drive and convictions- I leave my traveling gear, jewelry and lion bags. May they carry you on your path. Do not forget that life without love is like duty without honor.
Anne Ravenwind, a lady of remarkable drive and determination- I leave one flattened and dried red rose and the confirmation I took your secret to my grave and never put one finger over the line of our agreement. I only wished you'd of given me a chance.
Tod, my moody friend- I know you disliked me as often as you admired me. - I leave you my respect and admiration. Tell Alatriel to take you to a bakery on her. I did attempt to look out for you, I never tried to put you in a situation I thought would leave you hurt, scared or worse off for the experience.
Amanda, a constant reminder of the beauty in life- I am afraid I would hurt Caerwyn if I left you anything. So I merly leave you my wish that you continue to see the world through your wonderfully beautiful eyes. May the evil and heartbreaks of the world always fall beneath your feet or at least your heart.
Elgon, another angry Druid- I can not find forgivness in my heart for you even in death. But now that I am gone and my desires fading with the wanning moon. I hope you heart find the peace, balance and acceptance that I associated with druids before coming to know you and Aerimor. I charge you with being as good of a god father as possible. That little girl deserves better, better than you, me or Jaelle. But in the end, I guess Jaelle and you will be enough.
Ellis, another strong woman who I admire and pitty- May you find a love the will once again make your heart fly as true as your arrrows. I am sorry I was never able to prove my honorable intentions.
Gala and Sil- May your love be as strong as I always saw it to be. Even if you were both afraid of a simple kiss.
Ophelia- Thank you.
Kali- I grant you my forgivness. Even though I feel you helped pushed me on the path to my demise. I would of done the same for my child. May yours grow healthy and free of Her influence.
To everyone- May you find your loves and hang on with both hands as they return the devotion to you two fold. May you each be the center of attention to your heart's love. And please let no hate follow any of you from my passing or the reading and possible gather for my will. I also would like you each to have a simple light gem. I never had any skills or aptitude for crafting, but I made each of these gems by my own limited talents. May their light always shine when your heart faces darkness.
This is the wish and last will of Razeriem,
Signed by my own hand and dated this day *date printed*,
Razeriem the Romantic
-
As the days go by I realise just how alone I am. Noone ever has any more than a passing word for me. Caerwyn would as soon gut me than save me from a monster. Everyone always questions my motives and assumes I am nothing more than a hedonistic, simpleton that only looks out for his own needs.
I am not am I? No, I know I am not. The better question might be why not become what they think me? It would have to hurt less? I am tired of caring for and not being cared about. But truth it I do not think I'd like myself or living if I became such a shell of what I was only a few years ago. If there was only an easy way out, some damsal in distress that I could die in valiant effort to save. So my children could think me a hero instead of a failure. A champion instead of a hedonist. A victim instead of a coward. I do not think I'd be long for this world if not for my daughters. I feel that I would be abonding them if I left. But the darker voice reminds me, i offer them nothing they do not already have. Am I really just attempting to cling to my claim of father to them for my own needs to prove I could be a better parent than my parents? Jaelle obviously thinks so. I think Lealue's whole family now believes me unblanced, but recognise the joy that being with my daughter brings me. So they accept my visits and tell them its good for Lea to know her father and no harm will come of it. But as she gets older, will my exsistance not confuse her? Will it cause more questions than my exsistance bring joy?
Life was easier when I was inside a bottle. But I will not live there again, a nights relapse I can forgive, but if it becomes habit.. I will not live that imitation of life again, whatever the cost.
Is there a more misunderstood soul alive? I only want to love, be loved and enjoy life. Instead I wake from reverie with a heavy heart, practice with my blade for unhealthy lengths of time and seek to kill as many goblins as I can stumble over.
I should never of talked to Jaelle about my desperate hope. That look she gave me when she denounced everything i am, was and meant to her in the past with a simple "no." I think it might of broke me then and there except i refused to give her the satisfaction. If my life ends, let it be in an unamed hole where noone will find me. Let her wonder if I will return some day. Or if I started a new life.
For now, I still do not understand what I am suppose to do to appease Mist, and she certianly is not interested in showing me. She use to throw her faithful my way, now they seem to avoid me. Maybe Alatriel was right, maybe I should never put any faith in the gods, especially one i never had any good feelings for. Maybe I should of just walked away that night and tried to start a new life.
I could of studied magic again and seen if I truely had any real promise. Heck with my luck and inability to do as desired, I'd of ended up a necromancer. Hardly a dashing prospect. Those guys are always so pale, with oily hair and bad teeth! And they always talk like they went to a school for the criminally anerving. *deep chuckle* Ah, my child, let me show you the way.-- I mean is it a requirment to summon undead that you talk like you are mentally stunted the rest of the time? I swear if I ever end up as a necromancer I would be the only one with good hair, sparkling teeth and enough skin tone that i am not translucent!
Hmm Side-tracked, where was I?
I am just so disillusioned with life, hurt, alone and weary. Maybe the only way I can make anyone happy is to let them collect on my will? I just don't know.
But for kicks, I have had that negative energy burst copied into my book for ages and never mastered it. Guess I always thought I was better than it because it was necromantic. But I see how useful Death Armor can be. So maybe its time I go master those two spells and see if I suddenly have to refer to others as 'My child.' If nothing else it will give me something to do besides the same ole thing.
~Raz
-
*New journal-starts fresh*
Anne is gone.
Daniella told me she truely serves Corath now and is evil.
She just needs a reminder of her goals, duties, loves and path. She needs me to find her. She needs me to remind her.
Daniella does not understand. I was afraid to tell her. Afraid for her to think or me with pitty or weakness. But I will tell her again so she understands this time. Greater good.
Daniella thinks Anne is 90% Evil 10% Good and wishes to save her.
Daniella will try to compel her with speaches on duty, honor, service and the light of Toran.
Daniella is wrong.
Anne always danced with the line between performing good and evil, but always did what was best for the greater good. Even now if she is working truely for Corath she is only one step off that line between good and evil, she only needs one nudge back onto path.
And duty and honor is good for the mind, but she needs to be reminded of her heart. That is where true motivation resides. And the heart is moved by only hate and love. Anne needs to feel love again as she walks in darkness. She needs the light to remain within her to walk her path.
I never shared this with anyone, but I think I will have to explain to Daniella how things were, how they are. So she will tell me where Anne went. So I can put Anne onto path again. So Anne can complete her walk in darkness in the name of Toran.
When I first found Anne, it was because I was captured by the Corathites serving under her. They eventually brought me to the alter to be sacrificed. And Anne, their high priestess came to the table to perform yet another ritual sacrifice. When I finally looked up and saw her face, I could see how much of herself she gave to fooling those around her into thinking she was a Corathite. She was already on the edge of slipping into darkness. After a long moment when many emotions filtered briefly across her eyes, I could see more than I cared to. She ordered me released, claiming she knew me personally and would see that I suffered daily and find no quick escape through death. And she did, for weeks. I was forced to follow her around and wait on her hand and foot. On serveral occasions when I did something wrong I was whipped by her hand. I noticed that took a toll on her. A piece of her was lost each time she whipped me or sacrificed another in the name of Corath.
Eventually one night after such a beating, I told her I forgave her. That I saw what it took out of her and I thanked her for sparing my life. A couple days later she seemed in better spirits, behind closed doors. Something as small as having a foolish fop appreciate what she was sacrifcing in the name of the Greater Good. We started to talk behind closed doors more and more. She trusted me with little pieces of information. And eventually she shared her burden with me. I began recruiting victims to be sacrificed by her hand on Coraths alter. And afterwards, she would raise them and arrange for me to sneak them out by wagon. Where I would give them some money to start life anew. And that is how things went for months. Everytime she raised them, if they saw her they looked upon her with only hatred and fear. They never realised it was only because of her that they lived again. That they had a chance to realise how precious life is.
So as time went by again, even with someone to partially confide in and I have no doubt she kept more secrets than she shared, the tolls weighed upon her heart again. I was powerless to help her.
Then things went worse, or so I thought. One of my recruiting missions ended in complete failure. I fail to bring anyone back with us. The Corathites with me laughed, knowing I would be punished. And I was, Anne had no choice. I was whipped in front of any that cared to watch and there were many. She did it because she had no choice, she had no room to show weakness. If she did only more would suffer, so in the name of the greater good, I was punished. During the whole thing I only feared what it might do to her. I was hauled off to her quarters and that night when she came, she told me she was sorry, it had to be done. I told her I understood, that for the greater good I stayed. I could've left many times. Our apprecaition for each other grew from that. And our relationship defined. She did what she had to do for the greater good and I did what I could for her.
Once when she was growing dark again. I purposly came back empty handed, knowing she'd have to punish me again. And she did, but with me it was not like the others. She no longer grew more attached. When she was forced to hurt me, it left a bitter taste of remorse in her mouth. That twisted emotion always shocked her back onto path. It is not love pure like in the fairy tales. But her remorse was founded in our mutally appreciation and unspoken love. Anytime she started to stray form the path, I arranged to spill something or come back empty handed from a recruiting mision. It always worked, when she hurt me it left her a bitter pill. She was forced to rexamine her goals and mission. She never dissapointed either of us. I was her grounding, her reminder that someone knew, someone cared, and someone loved her.
I will never forget one time when I managed to spill something on a random follower, to earn another beating. But I picked the wrong target. Before I could play dumb with the accident, the man was up in a flash and beat me into senslessness. It turns out he broke a number of bones and managed to put one of my ribs through a lung. How do they move so fast? As darkness greeted me I only thought of Anne. Who would be there for her.
I think it was later that night, Anne found out in time and had me taken to her quarters, where she quietly bled a deal of healing magic into me. To ensure I survived. I remember tears falling hot on my cheek before I passed out again.
Later that night, or the next or the one after that. I awoke to the screams of agony. I could hear in the distance a man screaming in utter agony. Many time when I awoke over that day and the following, I could hear his hoarse screams. When I recovered enough to realise my surroundings, I discovered Anne had placed me in her bed while she either slept beside me or on the floor. The pallet that was my normal sleeping area. It was a long time before she went into a dark funk again. I guess the scare of losing myself, her only real life line, did wonders for keeping her on path. Weeks later when I asked who the Corathite that near killed me was so that I could avoid him. She simply said there would be no need. The terrible screams I heard, now I knew whose they were. I believe she made it clear I was hers and hers alone to punish. Because after that, while the followers would laugh and torment me with threats, they never laid a finger on me. When my health was restored, I told her she would have to beat me again or they might think she went soft. Two days later, she did so, and her place was more secure than it ever was. With the example made of the guy that near killed me, and then me being beat again while than previous scars were still unhealed. Everyone was careful around the dread priestess.
That's how things went. I loved her, she loved me, and we never spoke of it.
She subverted Corathite plans where she could. I was her reminder of life.
She killed and raised people in the name of Corath to allow her to continue her subvertions. I recruited them. I never brougth her children, even if it meant I returned empty handed. I snuck them out and gave them money for a new life.
She spared Daniella, Mr Stormhaven and Lance's life when they were captured. I took the fall for beign the one to arrange their escape. She whipped me, and I took the beating with pride.
She was strong, and followed Toran. I was who I am.
Then the end came. The Toranites decided to attack the temple. Anne arranged for me to be out of the way. Made me promise to trust her, to go while I could, to have faith she had a plan and would get out alive. And she spoke aloud what we always danced around. She admitted she loved me. I told her the words, that my heart had already spoke to her for years. I did as she asked and I took the last load of ressurected to start their new life. Anne arranged for the Toranites to gain easy access to the temple. Anne then surrendered without a fight to Dubois, Daniella and crew.
Anne was taken and locked in the Toranite temple. I tried to gain access to her, but they barred me at every turn. She was alone. I was not there for her. I taught her to trust in another and then I failed to be there for her when she needed me. Dubois had her killed without trial. I started trying to find Dubois, to find her body to have her raised. Daniella found Dubios first. And Anne found them both. Daniella said Dubois learned from Anne. That he walked the dark line that she danced upon. Obviously he was not as strong as Anne, for he failed.
Daniella said Anne found the two of them after they fought each other. Daniella was sent to bring Dubois in to answer for his crimes. Daniella said Anne arrived with followers of Corath. Daniella said she felt evil radiate from Anne. Daniella said Anne ordered her followers to take Dubois where she promised he would suffer for a long time. Daniella said Anne ordered her life spared, so she was left in a pool of blood alive while Anne left with Dubois. Daniella won't tell me where Anne went.
Daniella thinks Anne is 90%, 10% good for sparing her life. She is wrong, Anne is only a step away from good, one step. I must find her. To remind her of her path. To be a spark of light in the darkness she travels through. If I do not get to Anne and she lets her hate for Dubois grow, if she feeds her vengence by prolonging his death. It is her heart that will pay. Right now she is confused, and feels betrayed. She probably can not figure out how Toran would allow his church to put her to death when she serves him so faithfully. And now Corath's whispers of vengence and revenge sound sweet. But while Toran and Corath play their games for their pawn. There is no one there for her in this realm.
I must find Anne, I must shock her back onto her righteous path. She is the strongest person I have ever known. But in this hour she needs the help and the love of a friend. She does not need to hear of duty and honor. She does not need to understand, she needs to feel again.
I should never have left her alone. I should of remained by her at all costs. Now I must find her and I must do what only a loving heart can.
~R
-
I have had little luck finding Anne. I fear that too much time will pass before I find her. As strong as she is, there is only so much darkness one can wander through before becoming lost. I continue to hold faith in her and how things will turn out, but I would feel far better if I had some real leads.
I think Daniella knows where to start a search but she won't say anything. I think she is afraid I will immeditaly run off, without caution and get myself killed or worse. Truth is I would be careful, I would do Anne no good if I died before I could talk to her. I will seek alternate avenues.
Sticks had her mark removed by the godl dragon of Voltrex. The Aeridinites kept her and the chidl safe until that was possible. Looks like I will have to keep up my end of my bargain. I sorta said i'd become Aeridin's Champion if his priests kept Sticks and child safe until it was born. Its obvious he takes great interest in me, why the gods can't keep their fingers off I will not ever understand. But seems like if I so much as kiss an elf she's pregnant. Well I hope I look better in white than I fear. I'll have to add some color thought, obviously if he wanted me as a Champion he had to know I'd help improve his image, change his look. Improve his image and appeal. I figure that is what he was after, some reforms ...and who better than me? I heard that Aeridinites are not suppose to kill things either... but i think thats a clergy rule. I am sure his Champions are given more freedom. I mean to protect life you have to be prepared to take it. Maybe that's another part of his clergy that has become weak over time. I think he just wants me to force his followers to open their eyes again and reexamine why they do what they do. In some cases it should help fortify their beliefs and in others show them they are doing things out of tradition instead of based on merit alone.
Just because you hold life as your highest regard does not mean you have to be afraid to take life. If you are unwilling to protect life through whatever means are neccesary, then all you do is empower death. You fear death, allow the fear of death to control your action. You allow bullies to ruin the quality of life. You allow monsters to take life. You allow yourself to be at the mercy of others. You in essence give the quality and control of your life to whoever is willing to take it by force. I know I have never been labeled as wise and seldom as bright, but I do not see how anyone can rationalize doing that if they claim life as their highest ideal. There will always be someone willing to take from you if you are not willing to defend yourself.
But maybe I am just too dumb to see what they do. In any case, maybe its what Aeridin wanted, maybe he didn't realise what he was getting into or maybe he never noticed and this is all by my own creation. But I made a deal and I plan to keep it. I see a cause that needs to be championed. And as I have known for years, I am no bigger fool than when I am a fool for a belief.
~Raz.
P.S.: White and what color? I will need something to bring out my hair and eyes. Noone will listen to a dashing champion that is lost in his own color palate. And the boots, I will miss my red ones...guess i'll have to go shopping soon. Sticks should have that child soon and it would be good to have an outfit ready to go. Hmmm as much as I bleed maybe white isn't a good idea....OR maybe I can have it enchanted to not stain!!! That is an idea.
-
Well I did it! i managed to keep my red boots as part of my Champion wardrobe. After all I am well known for them and wouldn't want to let my fans down. I finally settled on white pant and shirt, with gold trim. a white and gold vest with blood red accents. My boots darkened a bit to blood red and the cape and hood are gold. I am without doubt the most dashing Champion of any god ever now. I managed to even impress myself with my fashion abilities. I thought that much white would be nigh impossible to pull off, but once I worked in the red its was set off beautifully. I figure White and gold are easy for Aeridin but its the red that makes it work. And the great part is red stands for the life blood as I see it. How Aeridinish! I do work wonders, no wonder all the gods are always making appearances in my life.
I have perfected this fantastic leaping attack. It must strike terror in my foes. I get a running start and then leap into the air, rapier first...cape billowing out behind me. With my lead foot out front. And then stick, bam, boom. My rapier drives home, up to the hilt. My foot blasts into them and I bend my knee and spring off to land nearby. Usually Scoring another sword strike while I use them as a spring board. It has to be the most fantastic attack ever to watch. I really do wow myself sometimes. Aeridin has to be patting himself on the back for making the deal. Okay, so my defense isnt nearly are stunning as my outstanding attack routines..but you never hear anyone say. Did you see that dashing elf, stand there and parry that giants all day. No its about felling the foe. So what if I loose a few quarts of blood an adventure as long as I look good doing it! And that enchanting my clothing against staining....brilliant!!! The money I save in cleaning bills will pay for itself in a few months... I do like to contribute my life blood to the world. Its that whole cycle of life thing I think?
I got to baby sit Mera, she is so beautiful with those gold eyes and tan skin. She got to missing Sticks after a while, but I do think we bonded. I hope I get a few more days with her here and there. Just as long as I get some quite between visits, she can keep a guy from reverie like only a banshee can. And it woudn't do for me to walk around with bags under my eyes. But its worth it, I have my tricks. I rested for a day after and then applied an oatmeal mask and the ole cucumber on the eyes trick. I was as good as new.
Met this cute halfling priestess, Tili. She's a Deliarite. Good thing Aeridin and Deliar are friendly...at least I think we are? I really should read up on Aeridin allies and what not...when I have time. Until them, Champions cut the way, lead their faith and take their god to new places. Right? She is so smitten she invited me to stay with her for a while. It was great, that was when Mera got to visit me. Better Tili's house than a rented room. Tili is a blast, I look forward to seeing a bit more of her.
Went into the desert with Tili, Daniella and Chaynce..right right. Good to see Daniella again, we have not been crossing paths much as of late. Tili was a life saver and fun to have around. And Chaynce is still a jerk...right right. I guess paladins have to do penance for their wrongs. And Daniella keeping Anne's lead from me....well i think Chaynce is her penance...right right. I mean what is the deal with that any way? Does he like going in circles...right right. I try to be nice and cordial with him, for Daniella's sake. I just hope she isn't wrong about him. He ever hurts her for his dumb arsed pig headed think of himself first ways and we will get to see which of us bleeds more...right right. He wears all that armor and he still rains red as much as I do. Oh well, Daniella's a big girl, grown a lot in the decade I've known her. She can pick her mistakes, or maybe she can get him on some track. But if he doesn't stop trying to do everything by himself and charging off...well we won't have to worry about him...right right.
Well I am off to fight the good fight, kill something or the other in Aeridin's name or at least look good trying to.
~R
-
I was fooling around in the goblin waste lands the other day and ran into this half giant, Justice. Not the brightest spell up the sleeve, and not as much fun as Volga. But he was of the good sort, he was trying to make something of his life. As usual, I gave the big lug a chance to show what he was made of. I asked if he wanted to join me in red lights. Justice obviously prided himself on killing gobblins, so I challenged him to a friendly contest. Who could kill more goblins on our trip. After it was obvious he was very talented at this but I was going to be more sucessful, I stopped counting and told him it was a tie. He said he thought I was cheating in keeping the numbers. I told him that if he was a Rofy, and he claimed to be such, that its not good practice to call people cheaters or liars without having grounds for it. In his defense, I just do not think he has the mental ability. I think he just finds it impossible to believe one raz with a rapier could outkill his hulking duel sword weilding self. Hopefully i gave him something to think about however. Because he set me back on to thinking about Aeridin's beliefs and my own. He asked me if I followed a peace-y god like Aeridin, how could I go out and kill goblins. I told him of course that to protect life, you had to be prepared to take life. I would of said more, but I think it would of been lost on the big lug. But what would I say if it was asked by someone else, Daniella, an official of Aeridin, Aeridin or the worst case, myself.
Its been a while now I should have an answer, and I guess I have had one from the begining. I just have a moral compass inside, I almost always know what's right and wrong. We all make mistakes, but that also is part of life. Living, taking chances and enjoying life. I never try to hurt another, of course some choices in life demand it.
Now that I have been thinking, something i try not to do too often. I know this to be true, life is a beautiful and dirty thing. All people kill to survive. Heck all life will kill to survive.
Trees will crowd each other out for sunlight if given the chance.
People raise animals to be killed and eaten or plants if it soothes their morals.
This is obviously part of life.
For the faitful of Aeridin that would argue, that taking life to live is the influence of other forces, Corath for instance. That we should strive to harm no living thing. I have a few thoughts for you as well.
One: Try to live on an empty belly, as I mentioned above. If your response is that somehow killing plants or non sentiant creatures is acceptable but killing creatures that think is against Aeridin's way or your code.
Two: Life is only valuable if its put to use, if its enjoyed or in short if its lived. Their is no real value in a life of someone so derranged they can not appreciate living. Either through fear of ever setting foot outside their dwelling, or becuase they are so dysfunctional the only pleasure they take is in hurting or killing others. I'd further argue your life is of no value if its not worth defending. If you do not value your life enough to stand up for yourself against forces that would take your life, then how could you ever claim life is sacred? If you are not willing to defend your beliefs but simply hand them over to any force that will take them, you do not value life. If you refuse to defend your life or others, you champion death. If you think that by submitting to forces that would enslave or kill you serves life, you are a bigger fool than I am. Even if you believe that since you did not take a life to defend yours and you were able spare theirs as well. You actually only empowered death, you let that force steal the quality of your life and others, you freely give away life. If most people did this, society would fall under tyrany and evil and joyous life would be lost. I obvious am not saying do not turn the other cheek or seek a peaceful option where one exsists. But in serious cases, life can only be perserved through the willingness to kill if necesary.
Three: Aeridin himself has shown his thoughts on pacifisim. I have been doing some reading on Aeridinite tenants, stories and history. There are a great many fabels, and examples of Aeridinites in the past that show the willingness to do more than just heal. Healing is romantic, especially among Aeridinties. But as I said, someone has to risk life to defend life.
But Aeridin himself, god of many a pacifist, went to battle. He fought Corath to end the dark times. He wounded one who championed death and stole life. Th dark times lasted for a great many years, we can assume Aeridin attempted to find other means to end the darkness, we can say he tried every peaceful avenue to end the darkness. And this most likely is true, but also its possible as THE champion of life, he knew death when he saw it and took the first available oppurtunity to restore life. That without hesitation, he struck against Corath and in a battle of the heavens, Aeridin and Corath both wounded each other and retreated from the battle. Corath could very well of valued his life too much to risk it at continuing the fight and fled. Or Aeridin could of triumphed over Corath and spared Coraths life, showing his benevolance and as he turned to leave was stabbed in the back before Corath fled. I believe the second version or somethign close to it, would be what those idealistic fools who would never raise a finger to defend themselves or others would tell you. But as much of a romantic as I am, I believe something closer to the first scenario is the truth. I believe as THE champion of life, Aeridin knows that life must be protected, valued and lived. That given no peaceful route, he would strike without mercy.
It is somewhere in these beliefs that I believe I Aeridin took avantage of the oppurtunity presented. And grew to favor the idea of me attempting to be a Champion of Life in his name. I believe either through only my own actions, my own history, my own experiences, I was ready to take the mantle of Champion of Life. Or through the subtle influences of the gods and Aeridin I was set into motion to arrive at this place.
I know my heart weighed heavy for years after recruiting people to be sacrifised in the name of Corath. Even though their lives were restored and it was no more than a thumb in the eye of Corath. But it wasn't until recently that I shirked the burden my heart had been carrying. As did Anne, I took the hard road to do the greater good. I did not stand by while life was lost and evil grew, as foolish as I acted and lucky as I was, I was acting as a champion of life, love and good. It does seem luck favors the fool.
I also through those years announced myself loudly as an enemy of Corath and evil. I also know that my personal quest, my personal fight against Corath is to return Anne to light and life. To return the woman I love from the darkness she fought her entire life against.
If someone ever reads this and thinks I am growing up, I beg to differ. I am only putting words to what my heart has always know. If you want to be special in life, if you want to live and love. You have to be willing to walk the path less traveled, bear the brambles and thorns of trails unused. You have to open your heart to love and hurt. For both are part of a life well lived. Okay maybe I have learned to not be so wreckless in battle. And maybe the slings of life have made it harder to love so wrecklessly, so fully. But I continue to walk my path, to fight for what I believe, even if all too often I find I walk my path alone and too seldom cross paths with others.
That as often I find bullies or mean spirits you would prefer to stand by the way-side and say you can't survive the path, that you are not worthy to walk the path, that you path leads to damnation, that only their path is true. But I will continue to try to ignore those whose own path wore them down, lead them in circles or to bitter fruit. I have no room for the Storolds of the world to tell me I am meaningless because I did not arrive by the path they traveled.
~R
//The page appears to of been ripped out carefully, balled up, smoothed out, folded in half and returned to this place in the journal.//
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Got into a fight witht the party I was traveling with. Hedessa, Ben, Sala, Jako, Elohana and Caerwyn. When Caerwyn should up, I called him a wanna be nceromancer and made a few people made. Got told to prove it. I told them all of out adventure in the desert where Caeryn wanted to control a mummy and have it work for him. He is such a putz. I also told them he was not a good person or even a nice one. That he is always bullying people if he can get away with it. He just kisses the arse of every hero with a big name. He is such a two faced scumy dufus. I told him the stories of how he wouldn't leave Amanda alone after the break up. The story of how he always tried to bully me and threatened to kill me. I told him the stories of how he is always thinking of himself and sabotages groups, I am amased anyone let shim in a group. Cept the big names, he is a good boot licker. Elohana and Sala were the biggest opponents. Sala hates me because I call Storold a bully and a mass murderer. Guess she just doesn't like the truth. She got mad and stomped off when she kept interuppting when I was giving support for my accusations and told her to shush.
Elly hurt my feelings the most, she says she's an Aeridinite and when I, a Champion of Aeridin tell her that Caerwyn is a necromantic symapthiser if not full out wanna be necromancer she jumps all over me. I give her support and since its all what I said verseus him just standing there and saying.... I never said that, I don't do that, I never stalk people, I only threatened to kill you as a joke. Anyway, she completly takes his said believing his every word. Well sorry I made a deal with Aeridin for now, and I am not going to just accept an arse fo a necromancer and pretend he is my buddy.
Well I'm ticked at Ben too, that's twice now he said he refuses to beleive me. Said Storold has to be a good guy because people say he is. And he never said why he sided with Caerwyn, but I know why. Its because he is afraid to stand up. he wants to be part of a group so badly he will think what they think, do what they do, just to not cause a stir. And since Sala and Ely took Caerwyn's side, that means I am the trouble maker.
Well guess I have two fewer friends for now. Think I am down to two friends and three want to be's if its not too much trouble for them that day.
-
I got to go on an adventure with a group of people that didn't all hate me. It was a wonderful experience. I forgot how much fun it can be. Was just a few of us, Steel, Jaelle, Sticks and Drexia.
J and Sticks seem awefully buddy buddy, kinda scarey. j doesn't look at em with lighning bolts in her eyes anymore, thats kinda scarey. I wonder what she is thinking now. Before I at least knew she'd prefer I dissapeared or had a long voyage on a sinking ship. i know better than to think she has forgiven me for trying to love her. No way she could of went through enough growth to face that fear. Heck maybe she is on the path, maybe in a few hudred more years she may come out of her ivory tower and try to love someone. Well other than her daughter. And I saw her, because its obvious I will never have the slightest contact or influence with her. She has to wait 110 years to read any letter I write to her!! Could you imagine the storm of spells that would descend upon me if I actually talked to her?
Oh ya where was I, so J wasn't looking at me like a lightning rod. Sticks is my best friend. Steel has always been good to me. And Drexia is very attractive and very shy. Poor girl must of been raised in a monestary. She fights and moves with such grace and confidence but is as akward as an adolescent with the opposite sex. She really could use a sweet guy to draw her from her shell. I know I am not the right guy for that type of approach, too much history for one so naive. But I did flirt, if nothing else for her to her the words she is beautiful, so that she knows she is desirable, so she has some experience speaking with a guy. Even if she just throws up a wall and hides behind it for now, its experience in anycase. Maybe one more brick on that wall will be torn down. And she will be that much closer to finding love, life and happiness
Anyway, I don't really remember what we did, it was just the being with others and havign fun I really remember. There were giants and trolls and stuff, but they wer enot the important part. I hope I get to be part of something like that again. It was wonderful fo rmy spirits even if Drexia offered to rearrange my anatomy if I kissed her. I thin next time I may and take the trip to the bind stone. Might do her enough good down the road to suffer it. Would be better if I knew someone her speed to fix her up with. Would be a very enjoyable two or three decades watching them broach the subject of hand holding.
~R
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Found out what I'd look like as a female, and by all the hells I'd be smokin.
This woman is heart stop in your chest and drop dead beautiful, blonde hair, gold eyes, curves and ears. And she told me my dad had a second secret life and that is why he was never home. And she is my half sister. And my mom is pregnant. And I am not suppose to desire her. And until she gets set up on her feet in Mistone she wants to share a room with me.
I'd write more, but I can't think right now. My dad had two lives. My mom is pregnant, a dream girl wants to live with me, but thinks I am her brother.
-
So I have had time to figure things out, well some things. So Zarianna and I share the same father. A father that appearently had two lives at least for a while. One where mom and our household was the primary life and one where Zari and her mother had him i'm guessing about a third of the time.
No wonder he never had enough time to show me any attention. Not when I had events I wanted to go to on the weekends, not when I was in the play. Guess it makes sense now, but a kid doesn't think like that, he just doesn't understand. He thinks he just isn't important enough to be worth the attention. And then after giving up having more than a shell life at home, he ended up walking out on Zari and her mother. What a *foul word*. I don't know, it might of been easier if he just liked Zari and her mom better but was not man enough to break things off with mom. At least then ... Hells I don't know. But I don't think I can ever forgive him.
And I don't know what to think about mom, she had to of known, didn't she? I mean maybe she had no proof, but she had to of known? And she was obviously hidding from it and went into a shell. Guess that's why she was a zombie mom so often, just didn't know what to feel. Lucky I took to looking out for myself at a young age or I might of ended up being one messed up individual. Yes I know I am not exactly normal, but at least I am function. I care, I don't just pretend things are nto happening to keep some bubble or normality. And according to Zari Mom is pregnant again. But she knows knows now. Does that mean she forgave him? I sent her a letter, guess i will have to wait to hear what is going on. I know they are my parents and they saw that I had everything material I ever wanted, and had all the studies, events and trips any kid could want. But I don't know if Ican forgive either of them. I wrote them off decades ago, Knew I was an orphan in all but name. Now that I know the cause, I am not sure if that makes it better, worse or just named.
I am going to have a sibling, do I need to rescue it? I sure do not want anyone else to grow up in the loveless family I did. I will try to be smart here, wait and think things out. Good thing there is an ocean in the way. Zari is wonderful, a bit off kilter like me I guess. Victim of a broken family caused by dad. But like me she found a way to deal with it, a way to be someone. I am sad to hear she left Voltrex to come looking for me, now she can not return. But I am thrilled to have her in my life. She is easy to love. I do not think of her as a sibling, after all we shared virtually nothing from the man other than the act. She even has a differant last name, one he created for his other life. i think of her as more of a soul mate. Besides the obvious physical simularities we live life a lot alike. We moved in together, it odd but very refreshing to have someone in my daily life that i believe will always be a part of my life. And I do think she will be a part of it until my end. She is soo much like me a couple decades ago. It makes my heart smile.
On other news, Zari is a sorceress, and a better one than I am a mage. So I refocused my studies to wizardry. Can't have her completly able to outperform me in the Al'noth. Its started to pay off already, a little. I am able to cast a couple more spells each time I study. And they last a little longer, thats where I really need to focus. But i know it takes lots of practice and study. Other than that I looked through my spells and realised how many I just don't use, just have no desire to use. And I figured out the ones I really rely on and the ones that bring me pleasure to use.
I really like the flashy evocation spells, even discovered a little spell called Gedlee's Electric Loop, not too shaby. Zari liked it so much she has mastered it as well, works wonders for her. I am going to start focusing my studies there, see if I can make them flash brighter, boom louder and burn hotter. But not to exclusivity, too many spells in the world, I love my hastes, foxes, cats, bullls, and color sprays. I remember talks of speciality wizards in school. Evokers, I always remember thinking they had to be the best, all those beautiful fireballs, lightning storms and booming claps. Was kicked out before I was able to ask any real questions about it. I wonder how its done. If its just a matter of dedication or what. I think I will ask around. Maybe you just have to declare it and then just focus on those spells and the rest kinda happens on the way. Kinda like my Swashbuckling. I was a montage of fighting styles, knew how to use all sorts of weapons armors and shields. But until I picked that dashing weapon and a style, that was my weakness. I was nothing special in everything. How I hate to be nothing special. I never regret all the training and practice that has went into my rapier and swashbuckling.
I bet that's how its done, maybe I will find an evoker, get a few tips and while I am hitting the books, dedicate myself to Evocation spells. Even if I do not become an "evoker" I bet the dedication will pay off, I bet those spells will become more powerful, and those are the best spells. Well there we have it, I am an Evocation Specialized, Swashbuckling, Champion of Aeridin that is in love with a Corathite Dread Priestess! Well I always feared being normal; I guess I don't have to worry about that any more.
~R
P.S.: Anne I miss you, I will never give up on you. You are in my heart always.
-
Wow, been busy. The days are a rush. I have been really into studying my wizardry. Really into it. Had a couple insights and what do you know, able to master a few new spells. New I was good at it, just have to actually read those books.
Remet a wonderful woman. Sasha. Heck if she has a last name I don't know it. I ran into her months ago in the troll platty mines. She was pretending she wasn't interested at first. But I think she was just head set on platty, but with persistance and charm we ended up fighting our way out together and her taking time to actually take measure of me.
Well I ran into her in a group I was with. She was even more splendid than the first time. She has arms as big as my thighs, and the way she weild's a bastard sword is something to behold. But its that twinkle in her eye that really makes my heart smile. She is all combat focused, eye to detail in the field. But when she is just Sasha, not battlefield commander there is a side of her I think most miss and few appreciate. She has a wry sense of confidence and humor. I think she knows she is too disciplined in most things and seeks an outlet in her personal life. Luckily for me its in men of fun loving nature and questionable character. There really is two sides to Sasha, and while being in the combat with her is something to behold, but all of her walls are up, she has little time for anything but discipline and order. But its in the personal arena when her guard is down, that her true beauty is obvious.
In any case we are hitting it off well, went on a few dates and had a number of training sessions, where she tossed me around her gym. She may be stronger and more experienced in combat but I am quicker, trickier and more cunning. At least I keep telling myself that. In anycase I am not above using all the misdirection and questionable tactics I can devise. If i am not careful I might pick up a few useful moves as well. It does force me to use what I know in new avenues. I always rely on movement, speed and misdirection in battle, its more of the same in our encounters.
Well I am smitten and I seem to be the release to her highly discipline otherside, so we make an interesting and enjoyable pair for now. We will see what becomes as the days turn. I am off to ask her the the Hemsptead Magey Tower thingy grand Gala. I have a suit ready to go, just have to hope she has not accepted another offer. I mean there is no way she can say no if she has not already commited!
Bought a house in Leringard and got a room all set up for Mera. Ella says she can spend the night once in a while. I am so happy about this, happy enough to deal with the diapers even. Ewwww.
Zari seems a bit out of sorts as of recent. I think it was from Aeronn's death, he was going to be her date to the gala. I am trying to cheer her up, but I think she needs a new project, a new guy. She started a clothing store and its doing incredibly well. Told you she had my eye for fashion. I really care for her, in some ways its like she is my oldest friend and I have known her for only months.
Well I am off to buy a new belt, I am so broke.
~R
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Well all the studying has been paying off. Can cast more spells and they last longer than before. Now working on blending it in with my swordplay again. Some spells definatly work better than others for my style. I am not a stand in the back kinda mage. Color Spray and Haste still are worth as much as a good shampoo, but I am really begining to appreciate an occasion badda-boom in the mix. Need to learn one of those spells that knock everyone down in an explotion of light and force.
I do tend to focus on spells and blade moves that win a fight instead of a battle. After all what good is dying with all your spells uncast? Not for me, I do what it takes to win that fight i am in. If I win all the little fights, chances are I'll when the battle anyway.
I think spending time with Sasha has contributed to this philosophy. I wouldn't tell anyone else, but she's a better fighter than I am. So to keep her from figuring that out. I change up my tricks of the trade. Be amazed what a haste on me and a slow on her does for evening the field! Had to invest in some better strength items to bring that gap closer. That is paying off too, both in my real fights and the occasional spar with Sasha. Not many expect someone as fleet of foot and dashing as myself to have such punch. In any case, wish she opened up a bit more. She is serious an aweful lot, no wonder she needed some style and fun in her life.
Overall life is good, and I am happy. I think Zari found someone to focus on for a while. I am happy for that, she has too beautiful a heart to be sad. Picking up fighting tips from Sasha and making a few of my own improvisations. Making major head way in my wizardliness, don't even mind the studying when I am not told I have to do it. I like thinking it all through, figuring out the nuiances. Those are the type of problems I am good at, its when I have to react off the cuff. I usually say or do what comes to me..and that often gets me in trouble. Even if I mean well. I even started Infusing. I know a lot of people say its not as good as enchanting or scribing...but I like it.
--someone's at the door, more later---
~R
One thing I did want to add... another customer for Zari's clothing shop. Wow she is doing fantastic... I miss Anne a lot. I just wish I knew how she was, that she is okay. You think she would of been able to send some word to me by now...if everything was alright. She does too much alone, I am sure she is just completly comitted to whatever she is doing and rarely thinks of me. I just hope that when she does, its fondly. It still kills me that that Toranite killed her without trial and she was alone. That I was not with her. I know that's what caused her to snap, but she did focus on the one responsible and let Daniella go. She has had so much time since then to find her heart, her love, to return to Toran's light. I have to believe no matter how into the depths of darkness she now is, that at least that all important spark is still carried within her. As I have always said, she is the strongest person I have ever know. I miss and love her dearly.
-
She loves me. I have no doubt now that it is love. She is always so focused and dedicated to her beliefs and her weapon. Hours of practice and and concern over that Wyrm of hers. I always had the doubt that Sasha was with me only because I was convientant. Someone she felt confident that wouldn't confuse her priorties, insist on life changes or make demands of change. While this may be true, that known or unknown to her, I am someone that can offered companionship without demanding to be the most imporant thing in her life. I know she does love me. *drawn happy face*
She was sent some very nice relics from a cursed Rofie city or something. Apparently they are now bound to her. She either has to give them to another to be cursed, return them to the city or die to their guardians. Apparently the items are a location fix to the cities' guardians and allow them to be summoned to her. The guardians seem mindless and intent on killing the owner. At least i hope they are mindless, the relics will never get back to the island if they kill the owners. She'd hand them to the guardians if they'd return them to their resting place...but that whole only intent on killing the owner thing. Anyway she is planning on calling in a lot of favors and forming a party to breach its walls and guardians, to find from where the relics were stolen and return them.
Someone powerful hates or respects her greatly. To send her those items...they had to know the danger. I think it was one of those Rofies, thought they were saving old relegious items, awoke the curse and found someone to ditch it on. She's tring to make some order of the Wyrm thingy and most of them hate her. Seems she was forced to serve Big Red at some point. And I guess even if its against your will that's a big no no for a goldy follower. So they treat her like dirt even though the most important things to her are duty, honor and earning her way as a wyrmling. So I think someone sent her those items as a way of getting out of hot water themselves AND justifying to themselves it was her test. That no matter how dangerous it was alright, because she is less than they are because she was a forced Fisty. I'd like to get ahold of that person for a while.... they'd be eating gruel through a straw for weeks.
Where was I ..so she didn't try to protect me and tell me I couldn't go. She never tells me I can't be involved in things that are important to her. She always tries to keep me off the front line, but does not get upset when that doesn't happen.
Like a little while ago we both went to the dragon isle's and were helping fight back the minotaurs in their attacks on humanity. Anyway things went bad, lots of islanders died and the minotaurs seiged the fort in caesin where we returned to. Biggest, most organized group of minotaurs I have ever seen. Anyhow... We made counter strikes from the gates into swarms of them. Sasha of course was in the thick of it. I was picking my fights and fighting awesomely, not even a scratch!!! And then I was looking up at Sasha from the ground. They say a number of us got caught in a wail of the banshee. Blasted minotaurs and I was doing so splendidly. It was during those next moments I had any doubts removed that she loves me. Called me foolish and heroic... I get called that a lot. She hugged and kissed me...that happens a lot too. And then she called me a dunderhead. I am not sure what it that is, but from her lips it was a term of endearment. She do not scold me for fighting and did not try to stop me from fighting against the next wave. She just reminded me to be careful and to _not_ die...i get that ALL of the time.
Her respect and faith paid off for us both. After all, if she'd of tried to treat me as an inferior. We both well know I'd of been in the forefront of the next wave weak or not, fighting for all I was worth. And they hit so hard....but I can be a bit stubborn and rash at times. But she did not, and therfore I did not have to be an idiot. I started off fighting them with the rest, but quickly determined I could do more good helping the others in more subtle ways. I casted an invis on myself started throwing hastes on Sasha and others. She of course took on the thick of them, very bitter sweet. She can deal blows like noone else I have seen fight, but she over commits to offense and suffers too many stinging hits. I threw potions as fast as I could and more hastes and in the end Sasha and our fighters remained mauled and standing and the minotaurs retreated. Her faith and expectations of me most likely saved both of our lives.
Once we got out of there, I took her home and gave her my special treatment. A bath and my undivided attention. I bound and treated her wounds, her bruises, her aches, and massaged the knots in her muscles. She spent the night with me. And I held her through the night, listening to her deep rythmic breathing and loving every minute of it... Yes, I'd like to find who sent her those cursed items very much.
Oh and Zari gave her the dress she had made for her. The elegant red one. Wow.... if i got her a pair of high heels...the view would be magnificent. She said that the dress was beautiful, and that it was her face in the mirror, but the reflection could not be hers. I assured her that the breath taking woman was her. That is how people saw her. That her body is what made people notice her, but it was her inner strength and heart that made her beautiful.
Always amazes me that someone with so much going for them can think so little of themselves. I am glad I know I am so wonderful! She is so confident in battle, with a blade. So strong in her beleives. So dedicated to helping others. And yet so belittling or ignorant of her beauty, her worth and the differance she does make. She seems to hope to always make a differance and drives forward without seeing the differance she does make on the way.
Well if she didn't have some demon to over come, she'd hardly have a use for me. When I get her to realize how truely wonderful she is, and she moves on towards her future...it's going to really break my heart. But hey there is today and tomorrow, focus on the joy she brings to my life and the good I need to do for her. Life is to be loved and enjoyed. And nothing would make me happier then for her to be able to see herself through my eyes.
~R
-
My poor dear Zari. I do not envy the headache you had and heartache you suffer.
She means so well and tries so hard. Am(gine) was playing the fool and hurting those that cared for him. Luckily someone finally talked some sense into him before I had to pop him in the nose.
Am was Zari's first project on Mistone, she made him feel special. To recognise what he did and could offer a woman. To be confident, to take action in life, not merly to spectate. But she was his first and as is the normal he became overly attached, refused to let go when reason said things had moved on. Am found and 'fell in love' with Amierana, my Mistress of the blade. I am happy if it works out, and if it doesn't Am might still get that pop in the nose!
Any way... Am decided that Ami was right for him and he for her. Something he'd never of done without Zari's help. But instead of dedicating himself to Ami in full, as she deserves. He held onto his love's first crush in his heart and kept stringing Zari along. Telling her that he still loved her, and he loved Ami and how he'd be with both if he was allowed. That is was societies laws that prevented him from making such an offer. What a childistic view of love. He knew he was hurting both by not seperating with one and moving forward entirely with the other. He even knew that Zari was yet too young of heart to be happy settling down. She has yet to overcome the demons of her past, and until she does, part of her heart will always be reserved. Until she conquers her demons she will not be comfortable being settled down for too long of time.
And the last thing she needs is someone that won't let go when its over. I know her first, and at least one of her demons, was one of those that wouldn't let it be over when it was. Stalked her or something, said nasty stuff I am sure. All I really know is it ended ugly.
So Ami apparently told him to wise up and quit hurting everyone. Either recognise what he had, or pursue a phantom that did not truely exsist. And Zari should of told him to beat feet and not talk to her for a long while so he'd be forced to detox and see what he was screwing up. But she ... well its hard to do, especially when you care for someone. Took me years to figure out when and how to do it. Finally just sunk in that hanging on was not good for anyone.
Anyway Am finally did what he should and broke it off with Zari. I am sure he said I love you _but_ we _have to_ be _friends_. So Zari was at last able to have the heart break in full.
Zari tried to hide in the bottle. Been there and done that. When I found her I took her home and got her to drink until she puked. I made sure to mix the liqours up too, for extra morning naesua. After she purged, I bathed her, brushed her teeth and put her to bed. After I cleaned up the mess I joined her. Neither of us like to sleep or reverie alone. I held her and stroked her hair, not that she'd remember anything. I awoke from my rest when she started shaking and mummbling about 'the fire'. I woke her briefly, kissed her forehead and told her she was safe. I don't think she heard any of it, but the vision passed and she rested calmly. It must of been a memory, she is an elf. But when I asked her about what the fire could of been she only told me she had no idea and to stop talking so loud.
Anyway I drug her out of bed early and set eggs and roast deer before her. Spoke loudly, banged things around and asked her if she enjoyed her naked romp through Hempstead fountian with Jaelle. I told her the truth after my point was made. And then the truth that it would hurt for a long time. But most days it would get imperceptively better. And some day it would just be a dull ache that paled to the beauty of daily life. I made her brush her stinky teeth again and take another bath. Then I put her in my bed, without the smelly alcohol smelling sheets and sent hers to be washed.
When she woke the next time I ordered some food from the Arm's and we ate. Sandwiches, lots of bread and water to start setting her system right. Also bought a blueberry pie. Figured she'd be up to it after the extra rest and real food. She was doing great until I served the pie. She turned green, yelled "no, not blue" and is now hiding in her room. Now that I am done eating both slices of pie, I will see if she'd like to go for a walk. Our house may be beautiful, and I am certainly charming enough...but she needs to get out, live, and love.
I love you Zari, when you hurt, I hurt as well. In so many ways its like we share the same heart.
~R
-
After talking to Zari last night I realise how angry I am. Its not an emotion I have much experience with. But I am very mad at my father. I guess I never really delt with it or worried about. I just thought I was dissapointed. My first memories of him were great. I remember playing with him, and the bed time stories. He always read to me. I think that's the reason I like books to this day, they remind me of a happier time. But as I got older and I guess he started his secret second life with Zari and her mother. He was never really around. He was tired, distracted, or simply away. He missed every event that ever meant anything to me. I remember looking into the crowds for him and being dissapointed every time. I always just thought I was not important enough, or that I grew up to be something he didn't want. It hurt, but I figured out how to deal with it. I made people laugh, they liked me for it. And as I got older I learned how to make people feel special, to give them what I was missing. Often enough it made me feel like I was special, that I meant something to some one. That I was not just a mistake that was outgrown.
And then when I found out about Zari and Father's second life... after the shock it was easier for a time. Zari is awesome, if I had to choose between her and me I'd of choose her too. So it became easier in a way. Knowing that everything I didn't have was time where Zari did. That by me missing out, she was gaining. But last night she told me he was not around for her as she got older either. That he missed her special events and as she got older he was not around as much either.
How could he do that to her?! I hate him for doing it to Zari. She deserves better. How can he not know the holes in her heart that he caused? I had learned to live with it when it was just me... but I don't think I can forgive him for doing that to Zari. When I told her I was angry at him, she told me he was not all bad. That when she needed him the most he was a hero. She wouldn't explain, just said he saved her life. I figure it was backlash of something he did to put her in danger anyhow... but I just don't know. I don't think I can forgive him. I know my mother and he had another child a number of months back and mom wrote me a letter. I am sure the letter contains my sibling's name and sex. But I can not bring myself to open it. If I learn its name, then it exsists and if its alive and my father's child it will suffer the same fate as Zari and I. And I don't know what to do if that happens. So the letter remains unopened, the truth unfaced.
After I left Zari last night, I was still angry. I realized I was angry at someone else to. As my thoughts shifted to Anne as they always do. I realized how mad I am at her too. She left me twice. When she sent me away from the temple, she promised she'd come to me in a couple days. And she did not, that very day she was surrendered herself to the Toranites and was taken away. She knew it was going to happen and still she sent me away. She never tried to leave, she just let them take her.
I told myself that she sent me away because I was special to her and she didn't want me hurt or blamed by the Toranites. But if that was true why did she leave with Dubois and not take me? Why didn't she at least say goodbye. She has never even sent me word she is alive.
So I told myself that she snapped when her church executed her without trial. That she blamed Toran for allowing it to happen, or herself for failing. I told myself that she went back undercover to finish her goal, to make ammends, to die a heroic death. In which case I simply didn't matter anymore, and there was no need her to say goodbye. That she was like father, too busy with her own life to make time for me anymore.
And after all the time we spent, the blood we spilled, the pain we shared and the darkness we endured together that she simply left to chase her greater glory. I wish I could see her. There is no way she could look at me and not react, not feel something? Anything?
I have nightmares, dreams and reveries. Zari tells me I am troubled in my reverie. She doesn't know the half of it. In my dreams Anne walks out of the darkness a hero, and continues on her path whole and happy, what her spirit must of been like when she started following Toran. She shares a single glorious smile with me as she marches forward to her destiny.
In my reveries I remember the pain, the beatings, the overwhleming oppression of fear. But I also remember having Anne as a friend. I remember us having each other to help make it through the darkess. My blood runs cold and the shadows of despair and panic grip my heart with their icey fingers every time I hear a whip crack.
And in my nightmares, I don't see Anne finding me and telling me I betrayed her, that I let them kill her. I do not even fear for her torturing me for eternity. In my nightmares... Anne is a Corathite, lost to life and alone. That people only see her as a monster. And Anne simply doesn't care that I ever existed. That I am not even a memory to her.
Out of all three: the dream, the nightmare and the reverie. Its only the reverie I awake from without tears staining my pillows.
We think she sent a Corathite monk to attack Daniella. I was with her at the time. The monk never even looked at me. And if Anne did send him after Daniella, where is mine?! I know Anne loved Daniella, and whatever she feels towards her now...she feels something. As for me... I wish I knew where she was. I know if I could stand before her she'd have to feel something. Better to be hated and die at her hands than to simply be forgotten!
Anne I hope you never find out how mad I am at you for leaving me. I can only imagine what you go through...but it needn't have been alone.
Everytime I smile, I can't help but feel in a broken shard of my heart that I betray you. That I enjoy life while you walk in death.
Mad or not, I still love you.
*A few drops of liquid scatter the page.*
*written a few hours later*
I feel tired now, It's only been a few hours since I wrote the above and the anger has already escaped me. Being mad is hard work. I don't think I am cut out for it.
I wish you well Anne.
~R
-
I feel better again. Still sad for Anne and myself. But one day at a time. I am sure she is doing what she has to to finish her mission, do her duty for Toran, or to accomplish the greater good. It just sucks when you are have no part in the greater good.
I took Zari to the Fort of kings, to the castle outside of the Fort. The one with the room of night sky. Showed her what we could do to the attic in our house.
We talked a lot, about art and feeling happy. She told me Father use to call her Doodlebug and it makes her happy, reminds her of the good times. She said she draws and will let me see some of her work. She asked me what talents I hid away. I told her I had no artistic talents. I can write some pretty bad poetry, but I doubt anyone finds it very inspiring. Although Jaelle did say she still held at least one work I wrote for her. Curious why, if it means something, or it was just something that she thought may have importance in the future.
Zari said my blade work was artistic. Guess she has a point, but its not something I can be remembered for when I'm gone. When I die so will it. I think true art transcends the artist's life. It would be so neat to have a talent like that. I wonder if Zari is any good, I mean really good at drawing. I admitted to her I once had a knack for sculpting. But that was long ago. When I found out it was a sneaky way to get females to disrobe for you. I was young then, I thought you needed a ploy. Now I know its just easier to be who you are, be honest and things will work out often enough.
She asked if I was any good. I honestly don't know. I know my clay works all looked like ale bellied dwarves. So I naturally I worked with stone, the chisel always felt natural, like the Rapier. I got a lot of positive comments at the time but those were from the models I was chasing. I am sure a few of the pieces are in storage with mom. But most I gave to the models. I have been thinking since talking with Zari. You know I think I liked making those statues. At the time I was more caught up in the models. But now looking back I think I did enjoy the creation itself. She's got me excited now, I am going to see if I have any skill at all, or if its wishful thinking. It would be great to be able to have something in our house that I made. Even if its not as good as the rest.
Zari is going to buy me the tools and I am going to buy her pencils and charcoal sticks. Gifts to each other to inspire us to see if we can make something worthy of hanging on a wall or setting on a corner table. I only ever did figure art, I wouldn't know what else to sculpt. I figure you do what you love.
Zari suggested I ask Sasha to model. I don't think she'd say yes, but the thought has me...excited. I hope I have some talent. I know only that the chisel and the rapier feel natural in my hand. Heck I have fought a few battles with only my chisel, and I'm deadly! Don't ambush this guy when he is chipping out gems or waa-thwack chisel of doom in the head!
If I stink, I can always try something else.
~Raz
-
Well the sculpting is going well. Zari got me the rasps and files, hammer and chisels. I bought some blocks of soapstone and sheets of sandpaper,and pumice. I set up a work area in the attic. When I open the windows up up there at night its very cool and a great place to work. It's like my own artistic loft.
Let me see, Daniella agreed to model for me, although I think I ran that one past her so fast she doesn't know what she agreed to. But we can work out the details once she thinks she agreed to it. And I met this very odd kill joy female when going into the silkwood spider caves. I asked her to model...I don't think she said yes. She was all preachy, life doesn't matter, only honor matters. These are not worthy or my blades, those are worthy of my blades. You are worthy of my blades. I do not succumb to emotion, I am a golem. Oh well if she shows up, I'll see how it goes, but she leaves before I go to sleep. She's a bit scary.
And on the spiders, oh my gods, they were out of control! Last time I was there was the first time I have seen this fabled spider big as a house...and it was! But this time ran into a lot of folks, Dani, Chaynce, Lance, scary girl, and two dwarves. We were trying to figure out who was who and spiders started pouring out of the cave. Might of know it was going to be trouble then. But we prepared and rushed in. There were spiders everywhere, spiders on spiders under spiders. Big ones, little ones, some with more than eight legs I think! Anyway the worse were these type of spiders, huge, looked like might be the younger version of the big one down deep. Have clawed forward legs that kept rending armor from people. I saw more of Chaynce and the dwarves than I wanted and almost enough of Leisa and Daniella. Darn things kept ripping off my shirt, tearing a pant leg or plain ripping my pants off altogether. Felt like I was back with those twins from my thespian days. Good times. Except it wasn't! Because these monster spiders kept trying to rend me in half afterwards!
So I don't know what inspired me, maybe I just didn't want Chanyce running off into danger dragging Daniella, thus dragging Lance thus dragging the rest of us. Or maybe I just didn't want Dani and Lance calling the shots that day, but I started acting like I was a leader. Told them I was going to be field General. I expected someone to speak up, object and take charge. But they all just decided it was okay. Guess that plan backfired. So I started barking out orders like I had seen others do, and saying stupid things I have heard form others. Stupid cliches really, everything but calling them soldiers. I did try my best at keeping tactics together, assigning front line, flank support, rally points, recover times, and quick strikes against those target that needed to be brougt down quick. I spent most of my time standing two lines back, casting spells, hastes mainly to boslter those under the heaviest attack or help with the lightning strikes. And the potions I threw, I thought trying to keep me alive was tough, I went through fifty silver potions. Seemed like someone was too close to colapsing all the time. Man I owe some healers thanks for their previous works keeping me upright.
Anyway, we managed to clear the second level and set watch. Recover our strength and I voted to turn back, no one objected and we headed out. We almost got out when there were another of them big ones and two of those undead ones that shoot spikes, along with a swarm of smaller ones. Things got very dicey. The dwarves chewed through the swarms and cleared the arena, Chaynce nad the paladin fought the big one and I charged the two undead ones like a fool. I just hate archers, I can not stand letting them take free shots. I got to them in time to hide behind a rock and drink some potions. Managed to kill one and dive behind its body to drinks more potions. Then Leisa showed up and we killed the last one. About then they felled the big one and we patched up again. I hate them big ones. I can't even hurt them! All I am good for is getting them mad so they chase me, and turn quickly and dive under them. Sometimes I get them going fast enough one way that when they try to turn with me they loose their balance.
We finally got to the surface and their was one more big one. And the thing used some sort of stunning attack, knocked Daniella and Chaynce out for sure. They rest of us were hard pressed just to not die. Eventually Daniella shook off the effect, we started working cohesively and managed to chip into its shell. In short, no more spiders for me for a while! Druids aint doing their job if they are letting them grow that big and plentiful.
And Amanda agreed to model for me too. Ran into her at the bank. I think I may of told her more than I meant to, but it felt good to get some things off my chest. I told her about Anne, some about Father, and maybe one bit too much about Zari. Oh well, no harm done. She said if I thought I was good enough to ask for a model, she'd most likely do it. Said she was a bit shy, but she seemed intrigued or just that willing to help me pursue something that made me happy. What neither her of Daniella thought to ask me was what type of sculpting I did. I guess they assumed to was heroic posing because they are adventurers. Or maybe just common, catching them in their day to day life. Stealing a panel from their life and setting it forever into stone for others to see the beauty in each moment on any day. I wonder what the reaction will be when I ask them to disrobe, because I'm a figure artist. Clothes may make the man, but the body can reveal the soul.
The human form is the masterpiece of creation.
If caught in its splendor, there is no other vehicle so subtley or so expressive for the expression of human thoughts and emotions as the human figure. And if the artist is truely talented he can bring what the body so naturally displays effortlesses to life through his medium or paints, pencils, rock or clay. That artist can call human personalities to life at will.
In a world of such beauty the ability to capture the human soul through art is a rare gift. I myself would be happy to make one single work in a lifetime that was worthy of display.
And that is why I start on the basics. It has been many years wince I used a chisel for anything but mundane chipping away of rock to unearth gems. Now I will weil one to unearth a completly new type of gem. The soapstone is forgiving. So soft it does not require a hammer, just the chisel. It how I once was taught to carve detail, and now practice again. I have made four small sculpture so far, none of them exceptional, and all of them passable. The last one is baking right now...to dry it out. I did some good work with the flying hair, but the face just isnt alive to me. Always the hardest is the face, the eyes thats where the emotion lies. The body gives power, scale, scope, but its the face that sets the real emotion.
I know what the think of me, where they think my purposes lie. But perhaps if words do not fail me, I can paint for them the power and beauty of such art. And if I have not the skill to capture their spirit myself, I will pay for them to have someone truely gifted sculpt them.
~Raz
-
Took up alchemy, at the rate I was tossing potion on people i had to. Easy stuff, once you learn what the properties of the items are and how they react, its a simple matter to reproduce.
Sculpting is still fun, working on a lot of detail peices. Did one that was just hands. A few head busts only. A couple more full mock ups. So far my favorite is still the one of Zari reading. More I look at the more I think it might actually be good.
Ran into a Mistite elf near Hlint and got greenies with her. She plays all cool and hard to get, but she's a Mistitie. Gods know they all love me. I just had to figure out her story, which is hard when they don't talk. She's one that doesn't want the sweet words, at least not in the begining. She is more Liek Pallena. She likes assertivness, powerful words, and the feeling she is in charge. I can do that! Wish she'd of taking off her hood, hope she's not burned by acid, oh well can't be too bad. The armor was form fitting. I asked her to model for me, she wanted to say no I think, but then she became intrigued. She'll show up, I gave her my address. Hope I do her justice, I still have a lot of practice to do. Lots of details left before I start really putting it together. At least the mallet feels right.
Oh and two half sibling I never knew of showed up looking for Zari and I! I really hope I do not have to see father again. I am on the verge of hating him again. They have some hard luck story about Father leaving their mom, her dying of a broken heart and being raised by an Ilsarian, like their mom. I guess if i let mysel fI'd be pretty broken up, but its too much too quick. Good thing i have Zari, she makes it better, easier to cope with.
Ya i know as soon as I get over the shock they'll be alright, but I need time. Apparently father visited them more often than Zar or I, but still was lacking. I guess he tried to make up for killing their mom with a few extra trips and supporting their financial needs.
I have developed a new strategy for a double waved chess attack focusing on the use of the rooks. I found out Daniella plays chess with Chaynce and I guess she losses more often than naught. So I have been experimenting with a strategy to use what she prefers but to have a new edge to it. Something Chaynce won't expect the first time around and to Help Daniella try new strategies, use multiple peices. And to not rely on her knights alllll of the time.
~R
-
When did I become jaded?
I have two more half siblings and they seem to be alright folk, but I have my guard up. Shouldn't I be happy? Maybe its knowing father did it to even more people, just upsets me.
And... I didn't feel much like an Aeridinite recently. Yes I know I kill a lot of stuff for an Aeridinite. But I never feel bad about it really, they are monsterous races for a reason. Its because they kill folks, its what they do. Some Aeridinites will tell you all life is as precious. Screw that! My daughter's lives are more precious than anything else, and I rank pretty high too! And I'll save any human, elf or dwarf from a troll any day of the week. And for that matter, I value female's lives more than I do males. I mean heck we die off first anyway, you get more ban gfor your true from females as far as life spans go.
Well anyway, the thing I did. The thing I didn't like.... I killed a giant. Well hell the group and I killed a LOT of giants. The same giants near Hilm. The ones that killed most of a village, and then took half a dozen prisoners. When we came to talk with them to make a trade. Instead of looking for a peaceful way out of it, they said they'd kill the prisoners. Our talkers of the group tried to persaude them, but no dice. evil giants just want what they want. So the group tried to overpoewr them quickly and save the prisoners. I made myself invis and snuck out a little ahead of them. As soon as the group charged I hasted off right for the prisoners and one little girl in particular. Instatly the giants turned and sluaghtered the prisoners, cleaved the girl in half while I was steps away. Instead of setting defenses the were more concerned with killing the helpless. Well there were no mercy for we killed them all. Wren had a batch of scrolls and was able to raise the dead, even the little girl. There was one child that got half stepped on and was not killed. But everyone else was killed. And the look, the loss on the childrens faces, knowing what they saw. That they saw their neighbors and families killed in front of them on two seperate occasions. Well I know it aint right and they are going to have issues to work out. I promised that girl we'd get her home and there would be no mercy for the giants. We got her home to others form her little village.
And now recently those giants were stirring up toruble again. So a lot of us went out to see. We kill dozens of them. Fond an old ruin into a mountian and fougt our way down. Seems they were mining ore, no doubt for warfare. We got deep into the place and things got a bit to risky, too many of our party left. So we turned and left. We ran into one giant that managed to slip behind us. One of the mages held him and tried to talk to him. He only held hate, real strong hate for us. Even though we only talked to it, when the spell expired it instantly tried to kill one of us. They reheld it and decided to leave. As the rest of the party walked off, so those that didn't want to see, didn't have to. I looked up at it again and stared into those horrible angry eyes. I thought of that girl looking into the same hopeless nightmare. I knew this giant would kill every child it could, maybe more vehemently after this encounter. I knew it would tell the others what happened. And they would rally and strike out others of our kind. I know killing it...they would still blame or figure out is was our kind, but ..there is a chance they would be wrong. Or afraid that so many were killed and none of them knew exactly by what. Instatly I hoped up and ran my rapier through its eye and into its brain. It trashed once and fell dead, all hate silenced.
I wish I could say I did it only as a logical action. Killing one giant in hopes of saving more lives. But part of it was pure emotion, rage, anger, hopelessness for the whole cycle of death. They kill us, we kill them, again and again. Something about it set wrong with me. keep telling myself it was because it was unable to defend itself. I sure would not of hesitated to slay it if it wasn't held. Those orbs held so much hate.
~R
-
I have another model lined up. An Aeridinite Priestess, Lily. She is very cute. I think she is too naive to be adventering. You can tell that she does not like the killing and that is great. But she confuses the issue. When a goblin is trying to kill you, asking it to stop is not a wise idea. I have taken her into the goblin caves and the spider caves. Let her see the evil in goblin hearts, to let her see first hand that there is no reasoning. There is no we will avoid them and they will avoid our races. If left alone they will turn their hatred to those that can't protect themselves.
The spider caves were to show her that even creatures without evil thoughts, can still wreck the whole life cycle stuff. Not sure all that druidic mumbo jumbo but I know them spiders have to eat something and at their sizes they aint natural. Nope, if they are left unchecked they'd take over the whole forest and start looking for food elsewhere. She was able to help the party, healing with her god granted powers. And I am trying to help toughen her up, so she can do Aeridin's work in the toughest of places. Or at least help adventurerers, there are plenty of stay in town healers.
Well I could see it was too much too fast. So I took her asside and let her know that no matter the evil and hate that she sees. If she stays strong to Aeridin, she will always have innocence in her heart. The want to help and heal, and that is the most important thing. That you have to build up a thick skin to be able to act in times of need, else your friends will fall at your feet. But inside, under it all, you have to believe its all for a real tangable prupose. That lives of innocents are saved, that your blade only finds the heart of evil and that you make a differance. You are Aeridin's hand in the world.
I hope it isn't too much for her, its a tough thing to do.
I need something beautiful. I'll see if Zari is home with free time and try another limestone sculpture. The sculpting makes me happier, it gives me time to think to wear away the rough edges of worries. Besides I need more work on muscle definition. Maybe I can get Zari to make some muscles.
~Raz
-
Sticks dropped Mera off with me again. I had just enough time to recover form the last time. I am hapy to have her even if she is more than I can handle. I don't know how they do it. She is always into something, or messing with somethign that coulf hurt her.
If I were a spell writer, I'd invent Raz's Helping Hand. A hand spell that you can direct to bar toddlers form stairs, breakables, fires, portals and about everything. To catch them when they tumble and reign them back to tired parents who are too kaput to chase. It would be a million gold piece spell within a month.
But as much as she runs me ragged, she is worth ten times the effort. When she grins one of those I know I am causing trouble but I am so cute grins.... well it is all worth it.
Its been a couple weeks since Sticks dropped her off. El is chaotic and whatnot, but this is unlike her, she has always been on teh ball with Mera. Mera misses her greatly, during the day she has a blast, but at night... She misses her mom and I am a poor subsitute. She likes Zari a bunch and tries to crawl into bed with her when she is home. I am pretty sure the last time she did, Lareth was over, but they didn't send her right back out so I guess it was fine.
I sent a falcon to every city I can think of for Sticks to send word. I hope to get a reply soon. If not I might be forced to visit the Task Master and that is something noone wants to happen...cept maybe Mera. And if its best for her, I'll suck it up and go over.
I think its because I am tired, but I am pretty sad at nights now. Zari is home most of the time but gone frequently. Mera makes resting difficult, she wakes too often ask for El. And I keep having dreams of being chained to that corathite alter I was on. And Anne standing over me, knife in hand...like last time. But then I look again and she is older, a couple lines where there were not before, and the look in her eye. Its horrible, it crushes my heart, brings great pain to my soul. To look into her dark eyes as see only anger and betrayal. But the worse part is, she doesn't seem to notice me, I am just the next sacrifise. I speak to her, but her only response is to plunge that knife into me. It never hits, I become conscious and short of breath.
So I go check on Mera and Zari when she is home. Zari is so angelic when she is asleep. Its like as soon as she awakes she erects one wall around her, to protect from her demons. But unless you know her you just see her physical beauty and never miss that extra spark she protects. I have no idea what her demon is, I thought it was father. But she speaks for him at times, so I guess its a past lover or some step father she never mentioned. Perhaps that is it, someone she hated so much she pretends he didn't exsist.
So I have taken up a few more Sculptures, three at the same time. Right after I see that sleeping spark of Zari, I work on a limestone piece of her sleeping. It is very slow going, but its my best work so far. I hope to finish it as well its started. She is sleeping nude on her side, a sheet pulled over her, covering her from thigh to waist. One hand tucked under the side of her face the other resting on the bed beside her. But in its simplicity, lack of movement its the peace on her face that wil determine its success. At the least I wil be able to work on the forms of her legs, arms and chest.
During the day when Mera is running around the project room. I am cutting a life size of her, in Limestone. Its that grin I am trying to capture. Right now I am still working out the form and scale. As I said its hard catching her standing in one place long enough to work on it. But I have already started cutting it so she is running, arms reaching out, grining her grin.
The last piece I just started and will also take some time is one of Jaelle. Artistic freedom of memories, visions and creativity. I am working with limestone on this one as well. It is her standing on the prow of a small ship, face into the wind, standing defiantly. Heck when we were together she did everything defiantly, I wouldn't be able to sculpt her in but a couple other emotions. She is wearing only a button down shirt wich is half blown open by the wind, a thin long staff raised out to the unseen storm cloud. In my mind I can see the lightning. Its too early to tell if it will work, I am still chiseling down the block to a form to work with.
These works keep my mind and hands busy. And are dear friends when I am bored, of awaken by nightmares. I know two projects I would like to try. A self sculpture, Of course I'd make a great model. And I want to do one of Anne. But I want to do one of how I imagine her before all this started, before Toran took his toll. I wouldn't mind cutting her as she was when I first met her, or soon after. But everytime I try to envision her in my mind, to work out the details, I only see her as she is in my nightmare. Those horrible eyes, knife grasped in both hands, already thusting down. And a whip coiled on her belt. I am sure if I pulled that image off it would be powerful, and some would find it moving. But I refuse to cut her like that. I am sure as soon as this mess with her is worked out and she finishes with her mission, by block will be gone and I can cut her in either of the visions I have or even with the face she returns with.
I don't like to consider why I have these nightmares, but it's obvious. I should never of left her when she told me to go ahead. I was so use to do what she said when she said it as part of the cover, I was not able to refuse her or see it clearly. But I should never of left her, I let her down and that is why she looks at me with those eyes in my dreams. Never again wil I be disauded from doing what I know or feel is right to appease a group or another. If i make mistakes, that I would rather they be because I was trying to hard than because I failed to act.
-
Well I finally got my last trio of sculptures done, or close enough.
The one of Zari turned out beautifully, I really like the sereen appearance of her face, and her legs. I got the legs right, the right amount of tone and soft apperance. I am really pleased with both of those. Of course its easier to chisel a face with the eyes closed, you don't have to try to capture the light that makes the eyes a reflection of the soul. The rest of the work if very good, I looked like I knew what I was doing. I am very proud of it, its staying with Zari or I, it makes me feel like I did something special.
The second one, the one of my vision of Jaelle, turned out remarkable as well. I guess my memory was strong enough. I am really impressed with it. The detail on Zari's might be a touch more, but I had a model for Zari's. With Jaelle all I had wasa memory and this statue is outstanding. I never planned on keeping it or it being worth keeping. But now that it's done, its too good for it to not have a home. I was planning on giving it to Steel if he was interested. I figured Jaelle would be most likely to accept and appreciate it if Steel had it in his posession.
I ran into Jaelle, she has either calmed a lot or it was a good day. We had a very pleasant talk, I was tempted to show her the statue, but I was too afraid that would be the trigger and or pleasant meeting would end ugly....again. Guess I'll talk to Steel and see if he is interested or ask Jaelle or whatever. Seeing her again, she looks conisderably differant from how I sculpted her. I still prefer my version, its the one with the good memories. I just hope she's happy and love keeps its hold on her. I think even with all the hard times, the fights, I think she considers our time worth while. In any case I hope so, it means a lot to me.
Anyway the statue of her really projects its intent of defiance, I think the emotion really came through. I think its the pose and the eyes, I had the set up right and was able to make it appear alive in a single moment. Two in a row succesful, and outstanding. This was great for my confidence and I eagerly worked on the one of Mera.
Poor Mera, her statue is lack luster at best. I think I one leg a bit longer than te other. Maybe I shouldnt of tried a running pose, then again maybe I just need a lot more practice. And I didn't even come close to capturing her grin, I will have to try again, I love that grin. I make my heart soar. And I think I need a lot of work on clothing or to stick with figure art, I could not get her clothes right, they kinda blended a bit with the body. I mean I got Jaelle's shirt and Zari's sheet right, but I couldn't get mera's clothes to look right at all! And maybe its because she's a child and not a woman? In anycase, I have a lot of work to do before I attempt another whole attempt on her again. I think I will try just for the grin, and then work from there.
But all in all I am very pleased with the progress, either the one of Zari or Jaelle is as good as I ever really hoped for. Jaelle told me to try Marble, but i think I will try another dozen in Granite, I really don't like it when I am unable to do the model justice. Hurts my feelings the one of Mera didn't work out in my opinion.
~R
-
I hate the ice caves! I need stupid Sapphires and noone sells them and I can't those trolls near the dark river alone so I am stuck here in the cool, wet, lonely ice caves! This place is horrible, the goblins can have it. Heck I tried to convince them to mine the gems for me and I'd buy them. But noooooo all they want to do is "kill the elf!!" Stupid Goblins! Stupid Ice Caves! Stupid Sapphires!
Oh well Alchemy is coming along quickly, a couple dozen more essences of healing for practice and I'll start trying to mix heal potions. Oh course that means Storan runs, wonder how I will do there, those shadows can be a pain!
I was just bored enough that while trying to warm up I chipped out an ice sculpture. Its not too bad, wonder who it is of. I don't think I ever met her. I stay out here much longer and she might start looking good enough to kiss. And then we all know my togue will stick and I'll have to explain what happened to someone.
Stupid Ice caves!
~R
-
Well its time to leave to the big sculpting event. I can hardly wait. I'll get to rub elbows with some famous sculptors AND its an Ilsare temple!!! Talked Zari into coming with me and Zira too. I mentioned it to Ely and she said she wanted to come and Zak said he'd check it out. This is going to be Razerific!
Ohh new word, I like it. Its Razerific! Maybe I'll get real lucky and one of the sculptures will invite me over to their studio after its done and I can learn a few tricks. I know my techinque could use some work. But I am happy making them as they are. I could also use to find where to buy stone at a cheaper rate, you would not beleive the prices these guys gouge me for.
The price of brilliance I guess. Got to go get Zari out of bed and dresses. I hope this boosts her spirits, she's be depressed too long.
-
Wow, so much to tell. So I got to the Temple and everythign was beautiful. The priestess were divine, the art magnificient, the sculptures very inpsiring. I was looking around and met a young Sculptor of the Ilsarian faith, not a priestess just a faithful. She is very sweet, does some nice work all of it very moving. She says she believes its all Ilsare inspired. I told her in way it was because Ilsare is the godess of the heart and it was her heart that saw such beauty. Turns out she is not formally trained either, like me! The Ilsarian's offer a kinda group Sculpting class. I think everyone that is accepted comes and does their own thing at their own pace. And you watch others and what they do and of course can ask others anythign you want, technique hows whys. In the end she invited me to join their class, its provided housing so you were immeresed in the experience. I think the idea is to live breath and love your art. All in all it is very tempting and I am have secodn doubts about not accepting. I think my choice to not accept was two fold. I think I may very well of distracted her from her work and that would of been a shame, I think she will be a name in a couple decades. She is in no rush, and makes what inspires her. But she has the time to do such. And ... there is nothing wrong with her, she is sweet, innocent, full of beauty and kindness. You can't save someone if there is nothing wrong with them. No I think Ilsare herself might of hunted me down if something I did broke that innocence.
I met a womanizing leachorous sculptor as well. He had the the best works there in my and many 's opinion. He only did figure art. He was easy going, fun loving, undisciplined and could sculpt the female's form like no other. I only hope to be so good. But personally the more I got to know him the more I didn't like him. Essentuallly, he reminded me of everything I was and wanted to be when I first sculpted. Chasing models, treating them as pretty toys and dreaming of being a master sculptor so it would never end. I however grew out of it, I am not sure he will. I did ask around, he seems on the up and up and all the models willing. Granted he is telling them whatever they want to hear. Sadly, that is just how some people are, how I was. At the end of the night he left with a model, told her he would make her immortal in stone. Zari and I, especially Zari tried to warn her, but she wanted no part of it. That prompted the asking around. Like I said he seems to just tell them what they want to hear, view them as pretty toys and moves on when done. He and an older sculptor, Jevan, were into an argument when we stumbled on them in a back show room.
Jevan apparently disdains him greatly. Grudgingly admits some of his pieces are very good. But dislikes his lack of attention to technique, refusual or inability to do anything but figure art, his personal conduct and I am sure much more. The two went a few rounds, pointing out each others flaws. Mostly what I listed above and that Jevan was a sticker for form, function, discipline. That he didn't seem to enjoy what he did and he made something beautiful and fun into work. Jevan is indeed highly structured, dour, close to the vest, disciplined and work focused. But he never makes a bad piece. He is the most technically proficient sculptor out there I think and many say.
During the arguement it turned to the success of apprentaces. Jevan has many that have went on to make real names for themselves. While Deitrich had never taken one. In a macho contest they both offered to take me as an apprentace. Talk about the right time and place! I didn't knwo if they were serious because it was all in the heat of an argument. Dietrich promised good times and fun. Jevan promised hard work, discipline and the chance to learn real sculpting. Dietrich retorted that if I went with Jevan, I'd end up dissapointed as it would only be work work work.
I didn't want too offend either, so I told them I would make no choice as part of an argument. That I would talk to them individually that way I would know if they were serious and I wouldn't feel such a fool if it was just for bravado.
Thats when I learned more about Deitrich and lost all interest. If only he didn't make so wonderful of pieces. I talked to Jevan and told him I was interested if he was serious. He very dourly told me to bring three pieces to his address in Spellguard, if I was anygood, he would see what he could do with me.
It was a tough desicion, in addition to what I said and after talking to Jevan I made my choice with real merrit. Something I try not to do too often.
I say the Ilsarian school as a lot of people like me, none wiht real experience all trying to work together at differant paces and lsitening for Ilsare's inpsiration. Ilsare has never spoken to me, but I like to think she is sweet on me, its not the inspiration I lack its the skills. And as I said I saw the possibility of cause damage to a future Sculptor. With that much down time, freedom and togetherness, I doubt I'd of been able to .... Well I'd of become distracted.
As for Dietrich, I lerned that he turned out as many bad sculptures as good ones, down right horrible ones. And Ones that are never finished, he has no ... mind's eye. He can only reproduce what's in front of him, if the model leaves his work is unfinishable. He only does figure art because he loves their bodies and because he can only work from a live model. This made me feel a little better. Even withmy now obviously appearant lack of technical skil, I was able to make a sculpture form nothign more than a mental picture.
And Jevan, he will never make a bad sculpture, but I think he may never make somethign that trancendes his talents. Somethign that is more than just the stone and his skill. Maybe I can help him? There has to be something that inspires him beyond just making them in and of itself. He seems standoffish and alone. Yes I think there is somehting I have that I might be able to trade in a way for his teachings. I guess I could try to help Dietrich, but that is too close to home. It makes me remember a part of me I hate. No, I chose Jevan, I need teh techincal skills to go with my inspiration and I hope he will soften a bit with my daily charms. Maybe get him to play some chess and visiting to art galleries.
-
Hmmm this is not what I had in mind when I thought of training with a master. All Javen has had me do for the last week is sweep and clean up. This is horrible, he doesn't like to talk very much. But every now and then I bait him into something. He has a wry sense of humor when he lets it show. I keep asking him to play chess when I leave at night. But he is always too busy with his work to play. I have heard of this type of training before where they make you do stupid jobs to prove your worth before they actually train you. I just hope that's what's going on, I don't think I could take a month with no hope in sight. I had to buy more lotion all this sweeping and picking up has dried out my hands some.
I have my nights free and have been reading a lot on sculpting, sculptors, sculptures. The man has quite the collection. I figure I have to get something out of it and right now the reading is all I am getting. I wonder if he has any kids... I am thinking not. I got to find something to pull him out of his repeatative routine.
-
I got to work with clay. He acted like it was a great priviledge. Clay is icky and it isnt stone. But Jevan said you need to learn to use marquette. A good model mark up is the key to saving stone. If you make your mistake in clay you fix it, if you make your mistake in stone you start over. Guess it makes sense, but I hate clay, it gets under my nails and its nasty.
Also I am not very good with playing with clay.
Oh and I still get to sweep everything!
-
Well what do you know, I guess I am lucky I get to make Wax marquettes now! Its better than clay, but I am still not very good at it and .... its not stone. It's been weeks now, stone has to be next right?!
-
Well I haven't written because I have finally got to do stuff!
Jevan had me make a few more marquettes and then after he looked at them he said we'd make them into sculptures. And I needed to go into the desert to a quarry and order some stone, for him and for me!
After that when I got back we went to a private collector's collection. I think Jevan enjoyed himself and for the last week or so he has had me carving chess pieces out of alabaster. Says he will play if I make suitable pieces.
Almost got killed in the desert by a giant centipede but I made it. And the Stones came in and I got to sculpt! I was working with stone again!
I never told you what he thought of the pieces I brought to show him, they said they lacked skill, I bruised the rocks, held my chisel poorly and did not pay attention to detail. I thought I was done that first day, but he said even with that I had promise if i followed what he said when he said. He made me smash them with a mallet. All except one, the one that was Zari's i told him I couldn't and he eventually let it live, but demanded anythign I made when with him was destroyed then.
I saved him the effort on the first one, it was coming along well and then he started hovering and and I hit too hard at too sharp an angle and gouged the sculpture very badly. He was very angery and put me back on cleaning duty. He hasn't really talked to me much for the last week now. Just enough to tell me I was very lucky I was not kicked out. That that was unpardonable.
Its not like I tried, I just need some freedom and a word of praise wouldn't kill him.
My hands are killing me, I think I have callouses.
-
Well my training is done. I am not thrilled about it. Had so much more to practice and so much more to figure out about the old guy. He seriously could use a friend.
I managed to sculpt a few nice sculptures, techincally anyway. They didn't make Jevan cringe and I thought they are as good as I have done. Still need practice, I see where I can make things better. All in all those were uninspired I thought and did not mind seeing them destroyed.
Then yesterday Jevan told me he was leaving, got a job in Katherian. Said there wasn't much more he could teach me. I think he meant now. I prefer to think that anyway, I hope there is more to learn. I know I have more I want to teach him. He just isn't like that though. I finally got him to play chess and even then he would open up. I have no idea if he has family. When we said good bye he never said he'd miss me, so I said it for the both of us. I got him to accept a hug, but even then he said it was a manly hug, he is so uptight. I swept up the place after he left, he was renting it out to someone else in the morning.
As he left he told me there was a package he never got to pick up, I was to pick it up for him and keep it. He left in a rush and avoided eye contact. I thought it was some sort of goodbye gift. So after I left town I stopped by the shop and picked it up. It was a smithy. I asked him if he made sculpting tools and he said yes. He then said he'd been expecting me and handed me a beautiful mahongany chest. I know there are tools inside, but I have not opened it yet. Truth is I feel I failed his expectation and I don't think I got him to open up enough. I'm just not sure I deserve it. Guess after I check on Zari and get settled in again, I'll take a look.
~R
-
Well Zari was happy to have me home full time again. She out and about again, which does both of our hearts good. I told her about my trianing and she agreed to model for me again, I'm still not confident about marble, so we decided to do one in White Alabaster. Her in her adventuring outfit, rapier in hand with a silly carefree look and pose. Figured it would be good to make her smile and I wanted something light and happy.
She talked me into opening the tools from Jevan. They were beautiful, no note or anything, just the implied message that I was an adequate or better sculpture and had potential. Guess I just had too much bottled up form living that life. With noone to talk to that would really talk back. I just got choked up and the tears came. I don't really know why, guess I just really wanted his approval. But I told Zari we could start tomorrow, I just want to talk to her and catch up on the last few weeks.
I really missed Zari. Now I miss Jevan, he is going to die a lonely man someday. He forgets life is to be lived, there is beauty in every day if one stops to appreciate it. I also think it would creep into his works.
I'll let you know how the sculpture turns out, my first on this side of Jevan.
~R
-
Life is back to how it was....almost. I mean I still adventure and now I have more sculpting to practice. I still flirt and attempt to find damsals in distress to save. But I have a half sister now, its kinda weird. I feel like all big brotherly to her. Heck I think it would feel akward now if we did kiss.
Oh well, guess things change.
Some for the worse, Zari has changed, bringing those demons back to the surface has changed her. She isn't smiling much anymore. He voice octaves are lower on the whole, and her eyes are not as...shiny? I was hoping it was the Lareth deal, but its dragging out and not in the right way. I am convinced its the demons. And recently she started bringing home a lot of guys. And they are always gone in the morning. Something's changed and I don't like it. I really don't want to drive her off, or be the one to hurt her. But I can't stand by and see her hurt herself either.
Why do I have to be the responsible one? Why isn't Zira helping her, she's an Ilsarian. I'll talk to her the next time she's alone, hopefully tonight before I have time to think it all out.
Greater good, right Anne? Yes, I will do whatever it takes to help her be alive again and not in the thrall of demons past.....
-
Well Zari and I had that talk neither of us liked it at all. Not sur eI helped anything either. It didn't go as I hoped or expected.
I told her I couldn't stand by and watch her hurt herself and give up on life and love. And the bringing home guys seems to be she was trying to be in control. So I threw that in her face, told her she was just trying to control people and that's the best she could do. Sell herself out for a phantom of control. Told her she was still being control by a ghost and he owned her as long as she was afraid to take chances and live.
She didn't really want to listen and I didn't know how to make her. She just wanted to shut everything off. So I told her I couldn't stay by and watch her kill herself. I was moving out and she could send me word if she wanted to try to live again instead of being in his control. I was really afraid she'd tell me see ya. But she said fine I won't bring anyone home, I'll have Zira move in with me. Missed the point completly, but pushing anymore would of been a mistake. I told her that was fine for now and that I love her liek the other half of my heart.
~R
-
Well Zari agreed to take what help I could offer. I am helping her face soem of her fears, forcing her often. I held her down and sat on her the first time, hated listening to the shreek of fear in her voice, but then something in my mind tumbled. Something I don't like. When it clicks it like I get blinders on, I can only see the goal, I get tunnel vision. I don't really feel anything. I know where it came from. From my time with Anne in the Corathite temple.
I think even to this day I have repressed a lot of things. Things some part of me thinks I don't need to know. There were too many nights of emotional pain. There were nights of horid physical pain, but it was always easier to deal with. You yell until you can't yell and if your lucky you pass out. And she almost always healed the worst of it, left the marks, the scars for all to see. Wasn't worth the comfort to raise suspicions.
Oh I lost my point, point is it seems that switch is still inside my head somewhere, I don't really remember Zari screaming...just that she did. Sometime later things were normal for me and I comforted her, told her she can survive anything she is willing to fight through. We talked more, I told her I could help her fight her fears of being confined, controlled and held against her will. To show her in almost every situation there are ways to fight to get free, or to control some part of what's going on. To put yourself in contorl of something. To focus on the goal, to ignore the demons, the fear, the pain and to focus on what you can control.
I am proud of her, she agreed to try. WE have been taking it very slowly. Just tying her hands and having her count to ten and then freeing her at first. Her focus was merely to count to ten. It was difficult for us both, but she made it and wept for a long time, but she was back again the next time for another session. And as importantly for me, I remember it, whatever dark switch I have in my head has not triggered since that first time. I think its because she is willing, I am not really forcing the pain on her, just facilitating it.
We have had many sessions since then, mostly variations on the first. Tying her hands, tying her up, blindfolding her, putting a hood over her face, tyign her to a chair. Sometime she had to use our saftey word and I cut her free. But most of the time she makes the goal. She has learned to shimy out of ropes pretty well. As a side I've learned to tie some inventive knots.
I'm worried about the next part, I am going to use spells on her. Hold Person and dominate. If it goes well, I am going to take away her saftey word and see where she is at. If she does well then, I am going to enact her nightmare. I just hope it doesn't trigger that dead switch in me again, if it does..she may well be on her own to fight her demon.
I have not documented many of my works of recent. With everything going on many of my works are more somber or even dark than I like. Most of them I destroy withotu anyone seeing. Its still practice and I find it therapudic. Its like taking one of Zari's demons, making it take corporeal form and then vanquishing it.
Been taking everything more serious than my normal too. Studying spells harder than I ever have. Finding holes in my sword play I can fill with more punch. Preaching to strangers for no reason.
But its just a stage...it will all pass... just have to focus on the goal.
-
Got involved in a little diplomatic quest with Sasha, Arkolio and a few others. The Brech dwarves where having trouble with a Red Skinned giant. I was never sure on the whole thing, but I think they said they wandered into the giant lands. The giants attacked some of thier parties and they wanted us to see if it was a prelude to an attack by giants or if they would accept negotiations. I figure giants... obviously they are evil and are going to attack folks. But in case they were honestly trying to be peaceful we should give them that chance. It seemed everyone agreed with that thought and we went after them.
We came to the border of the Dwarf and Giant lands and the giants ambushed us on the dwarven side. I figured that made things pretty clear. The party tracked down their base of opperations in a cave and we eventually ran intot he red skinned one. We had to hack our way through giatns to get their. They all attacked on sight before the leader, but we were in their place then. So it was mixed feelings.
Their leader was very imposing but slow. Finally started makign some head way with him. I think he was jockying for position to get us to leave. I think he realized we coudl kill him and would if he did not cease hostilities. I was sure we would have to come back and put him to an end, but he was only speaking and was not being hostile. Had some valid points as well, but I am sure he was just looking for doubt to exploit. Anyway thats when Arkolio started firing arrows into him. The giants charged, Sasha backed away hopign to keep it form escalating to deaths. But it was too late, he was massive, he killed Lance, Argali and Arkolio before I could toss more than a potion. There was no way I was going to go against Sasha and attack him, when I know it was Arkolio picked the fight. Truth was, I didn't try to toss a potion on him. Just the others. The leader died in a storm after taking brutal wounds. Then we were forced to kill the remaining to giants and see to our dead. Was a terrible event all around. Sasha threw Ark into a wall, yelled at him and busted his lip. I was and am very proud of her. I have always had my questions to her relationship to Ark. Always wondered if that is why she was on the out with her church...something he did and she was too stupidly loyal to him to not do the right thing.
I told Ark he was wrong and that the giants we being peaceful and that he started the fight that lead to the and left. I don't think he really heard me, he was still stunned that Sasha hit him. He threatened her. Never said what he would do, and I still don't beleive he'd have her physcially hurt. But I don't really know him, and can't say I want to. But I always had the feeling he did not like me. I will be avoiding Vehl for a while. Try to let things cool down. I am really begining to not like him. He acts like a haughty elf, looking down on everyone that is not of his station.
Time to go hit something. At least I did get to spend time with Sasha. Even if the price was high, I'll gladly pay it.
~R
-
Arkolio is no longer, wether karma of bad luck, he has left this world. It seems the fallout will be differant than expected. Sasha seems to be doing well, of course that is all she will allowe herself I am sure.
Hey, I just had an idea. For all his short comings he did manage to do a good deal of good. I could carve a statue and have it delivered to the business he and Sasha ran. And they could keep it there or find a spot for it in the town. Let it be a symbol of life and hope in a town as dark as Vehl. Let it be some token of closure for Sasha. Just because he was a self-centered jerk doesn't mean everyone has to know. He is dead now.
Yes, I think I will order a block of stone and start right away. Its been a few weeks since I did anything positive...this may work out very good.
And without doubt...clothed!
-
Curse Jaelle. I am trying to help with the port attacks. It looks like some red eyed vampire thingy is responsible. And it looks liek were trying to sneak something into and or out of Leringard. Likely its still in town if it was into. Anyway others had the same idea we all ended up in Arnax where the latest ship was found. Found out there was a survivor and Jaelle and some questioned him. Also managed to get onto the boat. Found peices of people scattered all over. Found barrels of magical accerlerate that appeared to of been used for some necromantic release. And fey eggs of some sort. People which into differant paths after that.
Three young ladies of Xeen approached me about helped to save a man's life. I was not given much information, but i agreed anyway. A life is a life. We took him to Katharien where I am not positive but I think he had to work off his boat fair and then was to be free to start again. He got mixed up in this whole thing somehow. Seems a lot of people from lords, to corrupt officials to workign men where used on this. That is what happens when noone watches those who are suppose to watch and protect others. Anyway we got him there without trouble.
Also gave me a chance to talk to Ember, Bree and to some small bit Mai. Seems Mai is a Xeenite that I am use to seeing. But the other two... well apparently are not s for Xeen or like Dessy nymphos. I think Ember is hiding some importatn things for me as of yet. But she reassures me everything is by free will. So I guess that means its all peer pressure. Can't save people from themselves. There are enough fights worth fighting, I am not going to champion any more Jaelles in my life time. But Ember and Bree tell me that Xeen wishes to bring pleasure and pain into the world. But each person has their own means, specialities and desires. And more importantly the pain is upon request only. For those that that is their kinda thing. As someone that felt the bite of the whip, I can't imagine wanting something like that. But I also know the madness that lurks just across that line. As long as its be request I guess its their choice to make.
I think I like Bree a fair deal. She's smart, capable, beautiful... but very quiet. And until I know what her thoughts are on bringing pleasure into the world and how and what she thinks of brining pain, I'll keep a guarded heart. Ember is very enticing and intriguing, but I am sure she is hiding much. It worries me but she deserves the benifiet of the doubt. She has only shown me kindness. I have been sleeping with the two and very often three of them for a few weeks now. But just sleeping. It helps with the nightmares and well I like to have someone to snuggle with. For the moment they are staying in my room before we head form Leringard to the next stop in the trail.
While in Leri we met a man with ties into this whole thing. He seems knowledgable, upfront, and straightforward. It's a nice change. He told us about the vampires from the survivor's memories. Somehow Jay stole that image. When Yer asked for a discription Jay instead made a all too convincing illusion of it. Now I can't get those cruel red eyes out of my dreams. And it has dredged up a nightmare I put to rest, and stirred up all my normal ones. Now instead of my normal 3 nightmares a week, no more than one ever being enough to wake me, I have 5. And I seem to wake myself or other form half of them. I know its just because its recent, and I'm tired, and seeing all those corpses broken, ripped into pieces and strewn across the ship is working as me too. It just needs time to settle down and find its place with the rest of them. I deserve my nightmares, and I hope most of them go away when I keep my promise to Anne. But I didn't deserve this red eye, I want him gone.
Jaelle came poking around and convinced me that she could help others or at least be better prepared to help others if we face this thing some day. I'd sure like to drive a stake into his chest rather than stand by whimpering like a puppy. So I let her 'listen' I told her if she tried to poke around, that i would truely hate her for the first time. Well in the end, she told me I was tramatized that there ws nothing she could do but refer me to a friend. That friend wanted me to spend month talkign to him about how I feel, I told him thanks for his time but I'd cope on my own. I managed to manage so far. And before Jay and I parted she did her old tricks again, make everythign as difficult as possible. Make you just tired of being around her, and then keep picking away. I told her I had enough and I should leave. And she pulled her emotional blackmail trick and so I told her what I really thought. IT was just like old times. I didn't want to fight with her, I never have. But she is so selfish! There is only her in her life, and what others can do for her. Well, can't save someone form themselves, that's what I learned form Jay. So I left, I don't need her approval, I don't need to save her and I know she won't let me be in Aislin's life so avoidance is the best policy.
I just pray that Aislin ... I just pray for Aislin. I hope she does not turn out like her mother, a wretched, cruel, self centered creature that lives off of using people. She said she thought I was evil! I'd hate her.. if I could.
Well I hope when she has this new kid, Aislin has family worth loving.
-
Things With Zari progress, she still panics when caught off guard or if magic is used to hold her. She is getting better at not panicing beyond thought when simply bound though. There is much to do to help her yet. But the fear was deep and many years ago. As long as we are making progress, she will get there. One day at a time. I have nothing but love and faith in her, as long as we can continue these sessions without anything drastic happening she will learn to control her fears, or at least these. If she had faith in more, a god, a cause, a belief I believe she would accomplish this much faster. It is easier when you can write off part of the responsibilities of life to another, be it a person, belief, god or emotion. Anger is a powerful tool, anger may blind you to many things, but anger can also blind you to fear. Love allows people to endure terrible things, assigning a worth to someone or somethign else greater than their own plight. Beliefs are powerful and dangerous things
being able to believe in a destiny allows many to look past the here and now, to wait for an oppurunity and sieze it. And gods.... The power of faith is as great as that of love. It can empower the weak and make mighty heros of the strong.
Zari needs to find in herself something greater. AS wonderful, beautiful of spirit and alive as she is, she would shine like the sun with fire of purpose. Even now her training she does not always do for her own good, it pains
me at times to know she allows it to continue out of her love for me. Yes I know she has felt a change as we train, that logically she knows she is doing the right thing. But there are times were she'd revert, quit, hide from the pain of the past and burry it as deep as she could. It is in these moments of despair that only her belief in me and my love for her that she continues on. These are nights where despair clenches at my heart, where my nightmares come at me hardest. Where the whispers of darkness tell me I am wrong that I am using our love as a tool. For there is truth in those dark thoughts.
I am using it as a tool, there are times when that is the only thing that can motivate. Most often when I awake I can once again push those dark thoughts and despairs from my mind, I know I am performing the greater good. I hurt her to make her stronger, so others can not hurt her like this. To give her control over her fears. For her to know in her heart she is deservent of the brightest things in life, to embrace life, love and be empowered by it, to thrive.
Daniella, my friend of great faith seems greatly troubled by the very issue I work with Zari about. Fear, plain and simple. For all her faith in Toran she is afraid of things outside of her direct influence. Since about the time she spoke with Anne her faith has been put to even greater test. She approaches everything the same way, but this battle is differant
than any she has waged before. She thinks Anne is testing her, sharpening her edge to be a weapon for Toran. She seems to think her tests are of awarness, and martial abilities. She has been to caught up with her sphere of direct influence to look at the real test being administered. The sharpest blade will dull. The strongest blade will continue to endure long after lossing its edge. Anne and her lackies are waging a pscyhological war on Daniella, not one of body. And for now, they are winning, they are bending her. Her sleep is troubled, I imagine fears and nightmares plague her dreams. She is cautious about even going home, to her safe haven, because the sanctity was breached. I imagine some part of her relationship with Chaynce is even now begining to strain. Daniella should be wary of allowing herself to become isolated or allowing others to control or predict her actions. I know Chaynce would not blink an eye if the the last shred of my soul departed this world. But I would morn his passing. I fear for Daniella if she lost Chaynce. For all the things I mentioned above about the power of faith, life is not to be lived alone. Why Daniella is drawn to Chaynce and myself is because we are differant than what she is use to. Neither he or I would ever adhere to any tradition, law or action simply because it was expected. We do things because we feel they are right.
My beloved Anne, I know your motivation force, Daniella. I hold true you still work for the greater good in and of itself. I have faith you remain dedicated to Toran. I fear you have distorted what Toran's beliefs are, what your truths were, that you play with things too dark. But as much as I am at best an after thought in your life, a night's pleasant dream, I know you are obsessed with Daniella. I believe it is to empower her to succeed where you have not, to stay the path where you felt you were forced to find a new one. You are now trapped in a dark and dangerous game. Would you have Daniella strike you down? Do you believe you will find your absolution on a blade? Do you think Toran will forgive you if you accomplish your goal? Will you attempt to buy forgivness with accomplishment? Careful you do not stray too far over the line. The path to many hells is cut with good intentions.
-
I got a letter from Jevan that asked for me to meet him in Vehl, the one eyed Harpy. Was too odd to pass up on its own and I'd of went wherever he asked anyway. We write some times, mostly he sends an occasional
letter to tell me where he is working and on what. Then he nags me to sweep my place and asks if I learned how to sculpt what's in my head instead of letting my heart get in the way as usual. I send some cute remark
back and tell him that I introduce myself to everyone as his most talented pupil. For some reason he doesn't write back for a couple months or so and we go through the same. I really do like him, just always thought he
needed someone in his life.
So I met with Javen and the exchange was all too brief, it fell into our normal comfortable routine. He harrased me about only doing figure art, lacking focus and how telling people I studied under him is ruining his reputation. I told him I missed him too and asked him why I was called forth. Then Zira noticed a ring on his finger. Oh ya, Benji and Zira came with me. Zira is always interested in my art heck anyones art and I guess Benji was bored and was talking to Zira bout joining the Angels. Turns out the ring is some Ilsarian Band. Zira says that Ilsarian's get or give (I'll have to clarify that) them to those that prove themselves worthy of what they represent. Guess they represent devotions to some of the ideals that Ilsare holds as her
ideals. There was Creation, Inspiration, Moment, Faith, Clarity and umm Reflection? I see they don't pass out bands of Love, so they must be devoted just to the Arts I am thinking. Anyway Jevan had a band of Creation
and it was a work of art. And Zira mentioned it and turns out that Javen and Emiline have something going on! The old dog! Seems she is chipping away at his stoney exterior. And better yet, from the sounds of it she has not
conformed to his style at all. Sculpting what and when her inspiration takes her. It'll be great for Javen, I am very happy for him. Turns out that a talented figure sculptor by the name of Kroft died when the tsunami
hit and that his widow contacted Javen to clear out and buy his inventory of stone. Jevan I guess didn't like trying to get in and out before the next wave and thought an adventurer like myself would be up for the task. So after good byes and a hug we hired a boat and left up the coast. Lana happened to be in Vehl and joined us.
We got to this little hamlet of a village, not even a dot on the map I'd guess and it was half destroyed. Wretched and homless folks, the town didn't do that well with the first wave and there was another on the way. Noone told
them about the second wave and they are too small for anyone to send aid to so we ended up with two missions. We talked to the widow and she was beyond misery, she just wanted to start again. I told her a second wave
was comming and after looking over the remaining stones in her husband's studio I paid her twenty thousand for rights to salvage what I could before the next wave rolled in. Wish we had time to save it all. Wish some of his works were salvagable. Wish he could of been saved, from what I saw of his shattered works he was remarkable. Bloody hells wish we could have stopped the wave before it hit, think of all the lives lost. There has been too much death from the fire in Leringard to the wave on the coast. It's times like this where it hurts to be an Aeridinite. All of that cycle of life and death is the conclusion of life . They are words that attempt to give comfort to those that are still alive when they have had their hearts broken from
lossing those they love. I know it is how things are but it stinks.
Well I'm proud of our group, Zira convinced the townfolk to leave their homes and move inland either to start again or to at least wait out the next wave. I hired the lot of them to help move the stones we could save. I paid them over 5,000 true and all the food I had. I know I could of got the help I needed for closer to 500 gold, but that wasn't the point. By paying 5,000 everyone was able to afford to go and to be cared for until they found new homes or returned to repair what is left of theirs. And they got to keep their dignity and I got to feel like I did something good. And its just money afterall. Zira and Ben were indespensable and Lana was a lot fo help.
Finally got the stone moved to this small town I'm in now, where I write this journal. There are many beautiful stones that we have salvaged. I decided I am going to make that sculpture of Arkolio here, now. I have seen too
much death recently. I am drowning in the waves of despair that follow in the wake of the tsumani. I need to do this. I have to do this. And it has to be good. It needs to give me hope that I am not forver to be as medicore as Jevan predicts. It needs to be good enough for him to not be ashamed to have helped train me. It needs to be inspirational enough to give someone hope that there is beauty and hope in the world for them. It needs to be emotional enough for Sasha to have a route to closure with him. It has to
be tough on her knowing that one of or their last time together she busted his lip. It has to be motivating enough that Arkolio is used to accomplish something good, something that will make him roll over in his grave.
There was a exceptional stone of marble with light blue tint, truely master of masters type stone. The thing intimidates me to even imagine carving something out of. But after talkign with the others I am going to use it.
With all the pressure on to prove to everyone and myself I am not just fool that is hopelessly chasing a dream, I need to make this one work. I need to do my best work. Even if I have to use a marquette and measure everything
and all of the other stuff I hate doing. When you look at what I have made and what Javen makes, there is no doubting his results. I'll make him proud.
-
I free handed the marquette, its perfect. Exactly the right pose. And I think I have every detail of him exact. Every hair and scar. Glad I decided to follow Jevan's procedure and make the marquette. This is going to be something special I can feel it. Time to get to work on this, all I have to do is mark up the marquette. Simple, no real thought, and nothing to mess up now. As he always said use a marquette and save stone.
-
I've been alone in this house for weeks now, just me and my work. I am cutting no corners. Measure, check, recheck and strike. Perfect form, no room for error. And I sweep often. Jevan would be proud. I am even using the chisel in my left hand, the way right handed people do, the way Jevan does. Everything by the book on this one. No chance for error, no chance for discrpency. I just have to moch up the marquette. Its all going smoothly.
-
I'm a failure, the sculpture is finished. Well it needs to be polished but I can't bring myself to it. I don't understand, I slaved over this thing for weeks and its so mundane, boring. The marquette was beautiful. And the statue is anything but special. I don't understand, my technique was disciplined, my measurements perfect and my model exceptional. The stone was masterful, my tools are the best. I did everything exactly the way I was taught and its nothing special. Maybe Father and Jevan were right.
I'm done here. I'm nothing special. I am going home.
-
Zari says I'm over reacting and it can't be as bad as I make it out to be. She insists we go back. I don't want to, but I agreed. I can't bear to look into the light in her eyes and tell her I couldn't do it. Better to let her see it for herself. If nothing else I need to have those stones shipped to someone that can use them.
-
I don't know how she did it but she got me to agree to try again. I swear she sounds more like Zira everytime I turn around. I wonder when she will know she's an Ilsarian inside?
She told me she had faith in me and I was going about it wrong. She said I had to love Arkolio to make it work. I told her I didn't think I could do that. She said sometimes loving was hard, like I don't know? Ark was not a nice person. And asked if I instead could just love what I was doing. Asked
her if i could just do it for her or Jevan or something. She said it needed to be for me, I think? Sometimes she's hard even for me to follow. Guess that's one of the reasons I love her.
We hashed things out, I don't rememeber what was her ideas and what was mine any more. We share so much its often the same anyway. I just know that we decided if I was going to try it again it was going to be my way and it was going to be fun and a creation instead of work. I told her to keep the Marquette, I was going to free hand it. I know Jevan would never approve but I figured I already failed, this was just for fun, I couldn't fail twice.
Besides without his influence on my chisel and mallet techinuqe I'd still be an amatuer bruising stones all of the time. I decided to switch hands too, hold my chisel with my right hand again like I do with my rapier. And there was going to be no measurements. I hate measurments. And decided to use a beautiful but simple white marble. And lastly it was Zari's challenge to keep me form being to serious, from making it work instead of fun. I love her.
She was always there to keep me on track and not getting overwhelmed by the project to just have fun in the moment and let the whole work itself out. She started drawing again, I have not seen her draw in too long. It makes my heart smile. I am having fun.
-
It'll be done soon and while I hope its good, it doesn't have to be. It was fun creating it and the time spent with Zari was reward enough.
-
Wow. Well its done, actually just needs to be polished. I'm going to let Zari help, I don't need to spend that much time buffing Arkolio's butt anyway.
Its good. The sculpture, its really good I mean.
Guess Zari is my muse. And she really was Ilsare incarnate for me on this.
I'm not sure I believe I made that. It's good. I can't believe it came from my hand.
Its better than anything I've ever done.
By leaps and bounds.
Zari loves it of course.
-
I'm headed home....finally. I don't Know where to begin. With the riot, the stocks, the bribing, the sculpture, Zari or being arrested.
So Zari and I got the wagon to Vehl and rented temporary storage for it while we went to talk to an official about donating it and seeing what type of home we could get it. All easy peasy as it should be. But when we finally get to see this guy, he want's a thousand gold to have it placed somewhere. And no promises where at that. If it was just me, I think I'd of just paid the bribe and enough more to get it someplace nice and wrote it off to the greater good. I mean that's how Vehl is right?
But Zari didn't want any part of it and was taking a moral stand. And well I can't let Zari down, she's my Zari. So The best good became supporting Zari, so we decided to try to find a sponsor and go about it the right way.
We arranged to have the wagon pull the statue past the government buildings as they were getting out and for the statue to be uncovered. Hoping someone in the government would start a conversation and we could have them pull it through channels. But either noone in government cares about art or they took the day off. The law cited me for holding up traffic or something and fined me. Told us to get moving or we'd be in more trouble.
I didn't notice at the time that anyone cared for the sculpture one way or the other so I was determined to take it to the docks and if Sasha was at the vault let her decide its fate. And if noone along the way expressed interest and Sasha was not there to just have it dumped in the harbor. I would be hurt me that noone else thought it worth keeping, but at least I would have had the pleasure of making it and knowing I can do something better than average. Guess I was lost in these thoughts because...
Zari started inciting the crowd that had gathered to what the comotion was over. I shouldn't have but I didn't discourage here. Guess I didn't really want to dump the sculptue in the harbor. She ended up on the wagon, getting the crowd riled up. Then the law showed up again and told her to get down immediatly and get moving or be arrested. I tried to get her to call it off. We have come too far in her recovery to have a relapse. I just didn't need her locked up yet, I wasn't ready to gamble.
But she's Zari, she only saw what she thought was right or should I say what she thought was wrong and tried to get people involved. So the guards came for her and I Invised her, but she didn't stop yelling about the wrongs so the guards had no trouble grabbing her. And when they started hauling her away I could only think of how to protect her. So I thunderclaped her and those holding her. That just brought in more guards and they started hauling her off again. So I threw another clap, my last and tried to daze them all and get to her before they recovered. By some ill fate one of the ones holding her shook it off and continued hauling her away. I didn't have any more spells that wouldn't hurt someone and there were too many guards for me to elude them or fight them without drawing blood. So I
surrendered and let them jail me too. That way I could be with her, talk to her, keep her calm.
Well the next few hours were tough, with all the chaos Zari left in her path it sounded like a riot outside. She was fearful the statue was lost, I was afraid someone might have been hurt. It's just a statue, nothing by my hand is worth the blood of another. I know I'm not the perfect Aeridinite and so coes the Big A, but things are not worth life. That's why I'm with Aeridin and am clearly not an Ilsarian as some have proclaimed. When the moment of choice came between art and life I never hesitated to go to Zari's side. And I'd not of spilt blood of the guards even if they destroyed the sculpture in front of my eyes. Even now I don't know if anyone got seriously hurt from those events and I really don't want to know.
They seperated us and kept us locked up for days. Then the Rofierintes sentenced us to a day in the stocks. At least I don't have to pay that stupid 50 true fine for disrupting traffic or whatever it was!
All in all Zari took the jail and stocks better than I thought. WE talked while jailed but once she got put in the stocks she just started yelling at the atrocities of government at the top of her lungs. Before long she just complained in hoarse speach. And finally with only a whisper of a voice she started to panic. I was away to my removed place, lost between the numbers, and was all but absent from my body while she was yelling. It wasn't until she started panicing those hours later that I was actually there in the stocks, near her. I talked to her, told her to count. Count to ten,
then a hundred, then the people going by. Anything to have her not get overwhelmed.
We still had about a quarter of the day to go when they released us. Guard thought someone must of paid a fine and had the rest of our time wiped. I really don't know who could of done it, noone even approached us as we left.
We heard the statue got put somewhere on display, but we never went to see it. I just wanted to get Zari home and reinforce that she did tremendous with the confinment. To point out how far she has come in the last year.
I bought some herbs and roots before we boarded the boat and made her some magical throat tonic that had her able to gripe again in no time. Guess all that time mixing heal potion and bandaging wounds came in useful.
That's where we are now, sailing home. Looks like we missed the second wave, we will have to get caught up on that as well. And maybe someday I'll come back to see what back alley they stuck my statue on and if any of the stray cats and dogs appreciate it.
It was all still worth it. I created something beautiful. I am just apparently too idealistic and unrealistic in my dreams. Its just a statue, people pass all sorts of statues all the time and never take a second look. And as great as it turned out, I know Javen would have done at least as good if not better. As always I was simply a fool. Trying to tell myself I could be something special if I made something special. I'm not sure I'll ever carve any better than I just have and my creation one of my dreams will slowly die on some back alley. My selfish hope now is that one person sees it and has one dream they would never of had otherwise. One person might not seem like a grand goal, but its enough for me.
For now, I found out what I needed to know. I would never make it as a professional. No more dreams of greatness as a sculptor, to change the world. Whenever I sculpt it well be for me and those I love, for the love of creation. For the love of giving life to a piece of stone.
Never again will sculpting be work and I'll only refer to them as creations from here on, never works. I thought I'd have no desire to pick up a chisel again for a while after this. But in a way I feel more free. I tried and I failed, story of my life. I get turned down all the time when asking women out in a way its the same thing.
*ink dots on the page here from tapping of a quill.*
And more importantly I found my muse in Zari, my refound my enjoyment in the act of creation alone. And in that a burden has been lifted. I started sculpting again because it was somethign I enjoyed.
When I get home its time for two more sculptures to start. One of my Muse, Zari. And for the other, its time for me to collect from Tyra. I said I'd put Kroft's stone's to use and I will. We salvaged some gorgeous rose marble and I'll do them both in rose. And I've already decided, the more Tyra whines, the more fun I'll have with it. If she can be mature about it, so will I.
But if she want's to bemoan what she picked then the gloves are off.
Quick thought: she's a lot better student than I thought she'd be. I never thought she'd follow instructions as well and practice it all when she could cut corners.
Time to go practice on that fascinating storm spell, I am really anxious to get this figured out now that I bought a scroll to practice from. That spell is so me!
~Razeriem
P.s.: Sorry Jevan, I'll take everything you taught me about technique and chisel work and use it always. But I'm not you I can't just cereberally transfer the image to stone. I have to make it from me, make it through my eyes, my heart. If that means you will always be too ashamed to admite I was you pupil. And I'll never amount to something special in your eyes ... Well I already have a lifetime experience of being a dissapointment. I can't be something I am not, not even for someone I love like family.
Self Note: Write Jevan a letter of thanks and apology.
-
*Copy of letter sent to Jevan*
Jevan,
Thank you for the information on Kroft. It was a heart wrenching experience seeing his widow, his village, and the fragments of broken works. He was truely talented and without doubt kept his studio well swept. We managed to convince the villigers to move inland before the second wave came and I gave them enough coin to see them through the toughest times. I paid Mrs Kroft twenty thousand true for the rights to salavge what we could before the second wave arrived. I believe it a fair amount, arranging transport was difficult. So difficult that I decided to just stay in a small
town near gloom woods and work on a creation instead of hauling it all back with the second wave impending. I could have salvaged another twenty thousand worth of materials if we had time, but we simply did not.
I decided to make a sculpture of one of Vehl's few heros, Arkolio. I wanted to make something that would make you proud and to inspire others. The project failed as the result was lackluster. I did everything as you taught me, but I seem to be a poor student. I still do not know how you managed to put up with me for those months. My discipline must have been appaling to you.
I tried the sculpture once again free form, from my mind's eye. I know you must be grinding your teeth at such a thought and show of lack of discipline.
But I had to try it my way, for me. I tried it the right way first and it was so unexceptional. It was good I guess. But nothing near your expectation. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I can't get the detachment you can I guess.
So I brought in the pretty blonde girl you found so distracting and let her be my muse. She kept her clothes on and was there for the company. Someone to share the days with and enjoy the act of creation. In any event, I finished the creation and took it to Vehl to donate it. Her and I are apparently not adept at handling politics and caused a stir. I never mentioned you taught me, don't worry. Well my sculpture and I got seperated and its on display on some alley somewhere. I thought you might look it over the next time you get to Vehl and give me some constructive criticism if you get the time. But I do not plan to make anything else for public consumption, so that's the only one there will be. You need not worry about me harming your reputation any further than that.
I am going back to figure art almost extensivly. If I find something else I want to sculpt, then I will. I am not limiting myself to only figure art. I have just decided I am sculpting for the enjoyment of creation. And as we both know, I am a simple minded man and that is where my heart most often lies. The world diminished by two extremely talented figure sculptors in the last few years so I am sure there is room for me for now.
I will always be grateful for my time as your pupil. You are a good man and I am happy for you an Emiline.
I will always take every chisel and mallet technique you taught me into every sculpture I create. I will never have your consistancy but you have given me the tools to succeed. My hope is that I don't turn out anything shameful. That everything is at least presentable, and with practice good.
But I will always be looking for more, for perfection. But I am happy to enjoy it again. I was making it work, and as we both know, I'm not good at working.
Your favorite student ever,
~Razeriem
P.S.: Emiline, I am so sorry I choose to train with Jevan instead of you. Sure I think I have learned more from my time with Jevan than I'd of been able to gather from the Ilsarian free form classes. I'm notoriously undisciplined and withotu doubt would have spent most of my days revealing in your beauty instead of focusing on sculpting.
But if I would have known my depature would have left you so weak of heart that you would have been reduced to looking for the inner beauty of a cranky ole perfectionist, I'd have never left you.
If you name is Jevan do not read on: I seriously have no idea how you are doing it but it is simply beautiful to see the changes in Jevan. You are truely gifted beyond words. Take care of him and don't let him conform you. Might look to learn what you can of his chisel technique though, he is gifted. And undoubtably deserves the ring you got him to wear, however you managed that. My teacher the Ilsarian. If either of you ever need anything just ask, I love you both dearly.
~Raz
-
*copy of letter sent to Tyra*
Dear Tyra dear,
Forgive me for being out of touch, but at least jail gave me some time to write you a letter. I should be back in Leringard soon. I hope you have been practicing what I last sent. Time for us to get back to lessons. Next week our normal classes are back on. Free your schedule if you need to, but I expect to be seeing a lot more of you for the time being. I recently made a purchase of high quality marble and am anxious to play with them. If you can spare the time, lets double the sessions for the next couple weeks. Where are you living now that the Arms are closed? Local inn? I can free up a room for you if it would make things easier on you. Room would be all yours. Let me know and I'll hire someone to prepare it for you.
Its time to collect on your offered payment. Come prepared. Also if I have not said it you have been a great student so far. Obviously far more disciplined then myself. You have done very well with the basics so far.
If you have kept your partice up on the gramar, conjugation, tenses and all the other junk I gave you, I think with a little boot camp practicing we can have you speaking like a child soon enough. Walk before you run and all of that.
Clear your schedule, join me for double lessons for a couple months and lets see if I can give you the tools to start learning some on your own. Dress aproperiatly and I will see you soon.
With Love and admiration,
~Raz
*In Elven.* The dreams of tommorow are given wings by the actions of today.
__________________
-
Well I am at the Breath of the Muse. Zira has been trying to convert Zari over to Ilsare. Hells she thinks she is going to convert me. But truth is I really like Ilsare a lot, heck I bet she can kiss almost as wonderfully as I can. However I think she has her eyes on something more long lasting and I'm not worth her hassal. Especially considering I am with Aeridin for the time being and trying to shake things up for him. Tough stuff, the to-dos in the Aeridin church just ignore me. I figured they'd at least denounced me, tried to run me off, or threaten to say harsh words to me by now. I can't figure out how to make them take notice, and I havn't the influence to reach the younger AEridnites before they get brain washed with all the its unholy to defend your beliefs and life with lethal force stuff. Aeridin isn't even understood by the majority of his followers, its very sad. Anyway I got side tracked. I figure Ilsare out of respect for Aeridin is keeping a hands off approach with me even though she likes my sisters and is looking for more return for her investments than someone than someone like me.
I love Zari with my every fiber, but she is too much like me for her own good. However she has thought that Ilsare hated her. I have always known Ilsare doesn't hate me, I've just never been worth her time. I don't think Ilsare hates anyone, and in anycase she'd never hate someone as beautiful
of heart as Zari. Zari's 'curse' is not from Ilsare, its from beings as physically compelling as she is and having a betrayer for a father. A kid needs the love of their parents in their life or they grow up screwed up. Zari had her mother and many years latter her 'other' dad to some degree. But she also had our father, and I know he hurt her by never being there for her, never making her feel like she was the most special thing on Layonora. And when your young, a kid takes that to heart, it gets into their heart and mind. They learn that they are not that important, that everyone else is more important. And then they expect to be treated poorly, to be second to other more important people. And there are always people to use weakness against you. Many people over the years have reinforced to Zari that her worth is in being a possession to them. If she didn't have the love of her mother I think she'd of been lost by now. But from her mother she has that spark inside her that knows what love is. And thus she hopes to find it even if she thinks it is a fairy tale.
Its shocking what damage one person can do to so many. Zira and Zak as well have been touched by his selfishness. Father's cavalier life lead to the heartbreak and death of their mother. So they too grew up without the love
of their parents. In this case he felt guilty and supplied them with all the coin and material goods to see them through childhood. Zira says he also visited often. All of those times Zari and I went without a father he was
at least attempting to be some token of one to them. Zira found the love she needed in Ilsare and her followers and was able to see the 'good' in the attempt Father made for them. While Zak shouldered the load of protector
for his little sister and was forced to skip many of the joys of childhood. Like myself Zak can not forgive Father. I know once, when Zari needed him most Father had one act of redemntion and saved her from death. But I do not
believe that single act can attone for the lifetime of slowly killing his daughter's spirit. If he would of made time for her, and treated her half as well as she deserved chances are she'd never fell victim to the worthless
pyscotic in the first place. No to me his one act was easy, it was only one action in a lifetime of oppurtunities. Likely it was the only meaningful time he ever spent with her. It was an act that was likely as much to keep him
from loosing a peice of his soul as it was to help save her.
I know I'm not suppose to, but I still hate him. I wish he'd never given that little boy a wooden rapier, made him believe, made him think he was special, that he could change the world. And then take it all away, reveal it is for
the lie it was. That that skinny little boy wasn't even special enough for his parents to love.
All I wanted is for one person to love me and think I was special when I was growing up. Now at least finally I have four. Granted Zira and Zak think im somebody because the blood of the man I can not forgive and they just long for the family they never had. Zari I think loves me because I love her for who she is. Because I treat her how she knows she should be treated inside, because her mother put that spark there all those years ago. But will she still love me when she finally realizes that everyone should treat her this way? That its her that is special for being her, not me for seeing the truth of who she is.
The fourth is Mera. She is so alive, wonderful and perfect. She has the good fortune of having three parents that love her. Thus proving what love for a child means. I have my fears of course that things will change as she grows, that she will someday see the same thing my parents saw. And that love she has in her eyes when she looks at me will one day extinshguish. And that I will be that little boy again, alone in the world.
But for now, for this moment in time, she loves me and thinks I am special. And that's enough for me.
~R
-
Somehow I never even began to write what I intended to yesterday. I guess my emotions got away from me. That I needed to pen those thoughts yesterday to clear way for my creations while I'm here. There is a sculpture here at the Muse of Ilsare that is simply perfect. It really has an effect on me. From a techinical aspect its flawless, but I'm not so impressed with that after training with Jevan. Its the intangibles that stir my feelings. From why that vision of Ilsare to the lights set to highlight it once it was moved into its home here. Its like what I see in my heart before I set to make a sculpture. I am a good sculptor now, but I always have trouble setting to stone the images inside me. And this sculpture is exactly that, I don't know how else to explain it. It as if giving it life in stone did nothing to diminish the maginifience of life it knew in the sculptor's heart.
It's special, something I am pleased to see exsist in the world. Only stands to reason such a things of beauty would find its home in the Temple of Ilsare.
I do not plan to stay here long. I feel guilty for taking up space in a place dedicated to Ilsare when I am not an Ilsarian. They are very kind here and the place is as overwhelming as any first kiss. I plan to stay just a few days, maybe a handful. To give Zari a few subtle nudges. She needs to know that Ilsare does not hate her. Hate is an ugly thing to carry in a heart, especially one as beautiful as hers. Zira seems to of fit right in, unsuprisingly.
I'm just trying to make a few maquettes while the visions in my heart for them are strongest. Once they are done, I'll head home.
I found out a way to give something new to Aeridin, something that in theory would force some to look at him in a new light or get me knee-capped by his faithful. The story of the end of the dark times seems to little known and even ignored by his own church. Seems that those in highest influence want to paint Aeridin as a flawlessly peaceful and pacisfitic being. One that would not harm no living creature. But when in reality it was because Aeridin took it upon himself to fight that Corath's reign was ended. Aeridin took arms against Corath and struck a blow that weakened him ended the dark times. This blow was not delivered by the Warrior gods Toran or Vorax or the Nature and Magic gods but by the God of Life. I will not be so presumptious as to tell you no other God took up efforts against Corath. But I will tell you
it was Aeridin that took up direct and possibly mortal combat. That he was willing to take life to save life. And tragically he was wounded as result of this. Its possible he was only affronted the oppurtunity by the actions of one or more other gods that set the stage. And its possible that if other Gods would of helped that they would of routed Corath without Aeridin suffering his wound. The wound that even now cripples him.
Ahh, I got side tracked again. I miss the days when I didn't waste so much time on complex thoughts. Alright that's not entirely true, but life was easier then. I am making a maquette of Aeridin in righteous anger, sword in hand. And that alone will likely get me in trouble with many. The thought of Aeridin with a sword in hand will be too much for many. In my mind it is of the whitest white marble. I am also making a maquette of Corath. Of a sinister, dark and bitter creature shrinking away from battle after an exchange of blades. This of course would be made in the darkest stone I could find that would hold the detail.
The other two I am working on is a women of fair face overwhelmed with anguish, loss, and misery. I have seen too many mothers in recent weeks painted with this grief. Of lossing family due to fire and flood. I feel that while this is considerably darker than my standard, its something I should do. To give some body to these emotions. In a way thats what I have done at times with the visions of my nightmares. I Created small dark sculptures of undefined creatures, to give them body that I may see the fears of night in the light of day. Most of these have seen the mallet once finished. A fate that will not be shared by the woman of anguish.
The last is simple inspiration of this place, that sculpture in the temple, the people here and my hopes for my sisters. I wish to make a vision of Ilsare. But I wish to incorporate some of the other arts into it. I want to put the notes to a song upon her blouse, the words to a poem on her quiver, the arcane symbols for clarity and sight along her bow. The words of a song in elven and common around its base. Jewelry upon her. Everything of rich detail. Some arts will never lend themselves to display in stone, but to those that can I will see what I can add that will enhance the image. We will see what I can imagine and how it turns out. If nothing else this will act as inspiration for myself.
~Raz
-
The second wave has passed. I was near Karst when it hit. I and a few other adventurers tried to get the few people still in town to leave. But the disease their was horrid and the people remaining deranged. They were
looting anything they could even as the wave approached. The smell of death was overwhelming, the masses of bugs unbelievable. Karst was so ill taken care of after the first wave, that bodies still litered the streets. It was a grusome sight, the best thing that could happen was for the second wave to strike and wipe away the death that lingered there and give a chance for rebirth. As the second wave neared undead rose from the waters and made their way into the hills where we waited. We of course destroyed them. But what I can't explain really how the dead came to rise. Necromancy doesn't just spread itself and yet the best sense I could get is that because the place was so saturated with death, magic seeped seeped through and became necromancy. That because there was so much death, the dead rose on their own through magic that called itself into being. It just happened. I know it doens't work that way, but I think it did. I'm sure there is someone smarter than me that will figure it out. I just hope they do it soon, it's going to bother me until I figure out what caused it and how.
But of course the wave came and its magnitude was greater than even what I imagined. And it thundered through town earasing most of it in but one long moment. The after math was water and destruction everywhere. But in my mind it was cleaner, better than the long moment before. The bugs, bodies, craziness and self generating Nacromancy was washed away. A large group of dwarves arrived just before the wave with intent to repair the town. I told them that there was going to be little to repair, they'd have to start over and that that was a blessing. After the wave expended itself and the foulness was washed away it seems the others agreed with me. I hung around briefly to see if anything could be done to help. But the Dwarves wasted no time and set about with construction new buildings. I helped care for the few people that were pulled out of town and diseased. Once that was in hand and only work on the town remained, I left. Working has never been my strong point, better to leave it to the dwarves.
So I left and went past a few of the towns where the evacuees went to avoid the second wave. I told them the town was being rebuilt from the ground up. I purchased food and water and saw to it everyone had food for a months and a few coins to by other necessities. I helped arrange transportation for some and departed. It was enough that they each had a chance to start again. In Karst, there or parts unknown. I guess this is one of them Aeridinite thoughts of cycle. That the town lived to point of sickness, died and now the next town can be reborn in strength. And each family will get to choose where to start their life anew. Still not sure I buy all that rhetoric about death being a good thing. But its hard to argue against it after seeing Karst before and after the second wave.
-
I finally made it home. Zari is aglow since she returned form the Muse. She seems to have come to some new truth that makes her happy. I smile for her, she deserves the best. If I could just convince her to drop that self-absorbed losser, I think she'd be all set. I really don't like him, he claims to be an Ilsarian, but he only loves himself if he even loves himself. I think he is just obsessed with himself, right now everything in his life is about him. He is me when I was a hundred or so.
I'd share with him my experiences from when I was what he is. When I used people as I wanted. As playing as a sculptor because it was easy points with females. Of ... well so much more, but I know it would fall on deaf ears. I know I wouldn't of listened, wouldn't of cared. I just don't want him around Zari until he figures out life doesn't revolve around him. Zari has made wonderful progress. Hells, I think she may of just out matured me in one week. But I intend to watch her and see how this friendship with Ilsare goes. And if Zari learns to see the beauty inside of her exceeds her physical. And most importantly if she is willing to let someone else take that beauty from her. I am hopeful for her. There is something stronger about her and I don't plan on letting some self centered idiot jeopradise it. I see him for what he is and I am not impressed.
~Raz
-
I am not Aeridin's Champion any longer, I resigned. It's been coming for a long time. In many ways I do think it lasted longer than Aeridin expected it to. Guess I'm just too stubborn sometimes. Why did I leave? I am not entirely sure, really. I know I like killing evil things more than I should as an Aeridinite. I know I am as not pacifistic as I should be; sometimes I go to sword before all other options have been tried. I know I fulfilled my deal with Aeridin to work for him, to represent him, to Champion him. I have no doubts as I said that it lasted at least as long as he desired. I have a feeling now that I am just in the wrong place; I never felt that until recently.
It started when Amanda died. It broke my heart; I have never lost anyone I loved before. It should have been a moment where I was comforted by my beliefs, instead I felt that Aeridin was wrong. Aeridinites accept death as the conclusion of life. I mean I know we all die, but that doesn't mean ...well I don't know how to say it. I guess I love life too much to be an Aeridinite. That doesn't sound right, but I think at its crux, it's true. When death comes for me, and it will all too soon, it's going to have a fight on its hands, because I am --not- going quietly. I was too stunned by disbelief and loss to realize it all then, but then Ben died too. I really liked Ben. So I was feeling all the same things again and I realized no matter the clothes I wear, or what I try to do, at my heart I am what I always was and will always be. I am a fool that simply loves life. I think this is what Aeridin was after from our deal. He simply wanted me to know how in love with life I am. Gods are supposed to be all tricky like that anyway.
I knew it a couple weeks ago in my heart but I had not yet crystallized it in my thoughts. I was listening to Acacea tell the story of the first Harper and my mind in part started to wander. While part of it was listening to the story, another part was admiring the eerie beauty of a young lady name Sam. And it was then, that while unfocused, I started putting pieces in place. Apparently Acacea's story had a few morals, the one I took from it was, to appreciate something the most, you may have to lose it. The Harper gave up her voice for her love and ended up finding out that her love was in love with her voice and not her. Hmm it made more sense before I wrote it down. Well I think she was stupid! She gave up who she was and was left with nothing. Ilsare took pity and forged the first Harp for her that her fingers could sing where he voice never again would.
I could see an Aeridinite saying this is the same for the acceptance of death, to truly appreciate life; you have to understand the loss of life. The hells with that! You can love life by living life! Think that's where I always had my own view of Aeridin. Most Aeridinites tell you that you should never take a life. Or only take a life as a last resort. And if you take a life you should feel remorse to the point where it would diminish your life. That is a load of cow patties! I have never bought into that and never will. I still think Aeridin is more with me than against me on this point, but guess I'll have to ask him later. I think if you can save a life by taking the life of a servant of death, you kill the bastard. A goblin or an evil man that wants to take your life has no right to it. If you do not fight to protect your life then you do not honor life. You don't have to lose your life to fully appreciate it.
And for goodness' sake if you take the life of a monster or one that would kill others you should never let it diminish your life, your enjoyment of life or your zeal of life. Yes taking life is a hard thing, and it would take one time to come to terms with it, but that's what they should do. You either defend life or you allow it to be taken. You either love life or you waste life.
Aeridin and I are still friends and in some ways that is better than the working arrangement we had. We just disagree on the grace in which we accept death.
This will be good for me; I need to find out who I am again. Since Amanda died I have been working myself in my studies of magic. Yes, work. I took the joy out of it because I promised Amanda I would keep studying and it allowed me to faux cope with her death. But that is not what she meant and that is not who I am. I will continue to study, but for the enjoyment of unraveling secrets and mysteries. For the excitement of accomplishment and succeeding. For the love of creation. And yes, for the power to kill and protect. But I will do it at my pace. I am not meant to be so focused for so long, it's not who I am. And I need to sculpt something to honor Amanda. I had always wanted to sculpt her, to show the hidden her she kept just outside of view. But not today, maybe in the future. For now I am considering a diaz with representations of the schools of magic in opposition. Like a chart or a zodiac with a symbol and a few of the more associated runes from each school. I think she'd like that, a beginner's model for the young to visualize the abstract. To put life to the words, the theories and the mountains of reading.
I think when I read this journal again it will make no sense and jump all over, but I feel better. I feel I have been carrying burdens I need not have been. I can get back to enjoying what the day brings. And today that will be a trip to Lor. I ran into Sasha in Hilm a week ago, seems she is deployed in Lor to help with some Rofy -- Prantz stuff. I swear she works too much! But now I know that she'll be there for a while; I plan to see to it that she enjoys herself too. Gods I missed Sasha, and talking about carrying undue burdens...
Let me find Zari and Zira and tell them where I'll be, sculpting a spell form in Lor. If I like it I may try some other things like it. Chisel ritual circles somewhere. Oh, and I need to tell Zira if the Angel's decide to have a statue of Ben made, I am sculpting it. Getting who he is will be hard enough for someone that knew him.
~Razeriem
-
She's dead! She's gone! And they killed her. They kept me from her, they killed her, they stood vigil and they burnt her and scattered her ashes into the ocean.
I hate you Toran!
After all we both went through in your name, for your church, to help your followers. You brand her evil and send out three ships of Shining Hand to find and kill her?! Where is your mercy? Where were you when she asked for your help? You gave her life, inspiration and purpose. And then when she brings your light into the darkest of places, you forsake her?! She loved only you. She saved your followers, she fought your enemy, and when your church came for her she surrendered and went with them to receive your judgement.
And what happened then? Your church bypassed trial and had her executed, alone, outside of your light. Then what happened Toran? You cast her back into the darkness she was fighting. Drove her to your enemy, the only ally she could find to fix what was broken in your church, to look out for you. Did you ever speak to her? Did you ever send someone to offer a hand, to embrace her and bring her back? No! You forgot about her, and even through this she was loyal.
And in the end, you sent three ships of your faithful to murder her. Easier to discard than to care? And then what? She was offered another mockery of a trail or death. Does it surprise anyone she choose a quick death over another mockery and drawn out death. And in her final act, she still showed you loyality! She is stone bound, but did she return to the stone? No. She gave everything else to you, and so she gave you her last gift, she went to the afterlife alone, and unloved and branded a traitor to her you, her Father.
If you didn't welcome her to your side now, and I know you didn't, then you are a joke and a hypocrite. I don't know if Gods are ever judged, but if that day comes, you remember Anne well. And when you are asked if you lived up to what your church proclaims you believe in, you think of how _you_ lost Anne.
At least I now know why Aeridin had to fight Corath alone. You're a god of words, not beliefs.
Anne was not evil. She was deceived and abandoned. May Aeridin watch over her soul.
I just pray there is a higher authority than you. Someone to judge her fairly, or failing that, you.
Where is your loyality, honor, conviction and those other beliefs of yours? She lived hers and followed them to death.
*Unsigned*
-
I can't get her out of my mind. The nightmares are worse than they have ever been. I remember my time with Anne while in that place. But now my mind creates hints of her being wicked. I know them to be lies, but they are powerful. I see those red eyes from that vampire again as well, and I feel this all never happened, it was just 'red eyes' warping reality in my mind. That I'll awake to Red Eyes' stare, and the last years never happened. I think Anne will be alive if I can just break the hold of Red Eyes. But when I awake, it's just another nightmare. I dream of Daniella being sent by Toran to quiet me. That my words sting too much for him to bare and he sends her to kill me.
And in my worst nightmares. When Daniella comes to kill me, she proclaims me evil. She says it's my fault that Anne was lost. That I was put at her side, that I was trusted to keep her in the light. That I failed her and she lost a mentor and friend. That I failed and Toran lost a faithful daughter. That I failed Anne and Corath stole her light. That I failed because I was weak and my heart dark. That I am evil and must be destroyed. And in that moment I know her words to be true. Her sword flares with white life of its own, wrath in its every licking mote of power. Daniella does what she was born to do, and she vanquishes evil from the word, while Corath laughs. My soul leaves unable to bare life again, and as I float to the beyond, each God casts scornful eyes my way as I go unspoken for. I head to a point of oblivion and cross paths with the soul of Anne. Her soul has obviously been waiting for me. There is a moment of gleeful hope that turns to blackest pit of dispare and grief as her lifeless eyes find mind and pronounce me a traitor.
I awake to blood on my sheets, my blood. Before I have fully shaken off the cobwebs of sleep or the terror of nightmares, I have taken my Darkbane from my bedside and pierced my arm with it. It's the only irrational comfort to an irrational dream. I know that my blade with flare with divine energy if its tastes the flesh of evil. As long as it doesn't flare, then I am not evil. Then I did not fail her.
Right?
~Razeriem
-
I can't take being idle any longer. I miss Anne terribly every waking moment and yet that's preferable to sleep. I need to do something. To prove Anne and I are not evil, and I need to do it before I become mad. It's time to do more than talk and gather for this life on the high seas I have been planning. I need to make it work. To fight against true evil and help good folks. The Red Bear are too slow for me, they take their time to make sure they do not make a mistake and have their ship sunk from under them. I have a backer that is not afraid of risks in Steel. But I need a ship yard to build my ship, I need a place to sell off captured ships and goods, I need a home port. I need someone to believe in me.
I've done research on Lilwich, Hurm and the leaders of both. If I can't find a home port there I don't know where to look. The leader of Hurm will by captured ships, but he won't believe in me. I've found out the Leader of Lilwich, Angelica Lilwich was a Bear and fancies a rapier. Perhaps she will remember what it was like those years ago and take a gamble on a fool. I am not one for patience and do not wish to waste years building up political contacts enough to meet her. The only time I ever took the cautious way, I lost Anne. I will not repeat that mistake. Let me find a noble's ear or crash one of Angelica's functions. Standing still is failure, charging ahead is a gamble. I'd prefer to fail in attempting.
~Raz
-
I feel so listless; I don't know what to do. I failed Anne, when she needed me most I wasn't there. When she needed someone most no one was there. What's the point of any of this if I can't even help my friends when they need me? How do I think I'll make any difference to anyone if I can't even save the ones I care about most. I failed Aislin and lost her to Jaelle. The best I was able to do for Lealue was let her go without causing her grief of a fool for a father. At least she is happy now. Mera is my pride and joy, but really Aerimor and Sticks are her parents. I'm really just the fun uncle. I lost Hedessa without ever even trying to really save her. I was too afraid of her demons to challenge them. I thought I was less of a fool then I was, but now I think I am a bigger fool than ever. Zari is the only one I think I've ever truly helped and now she has Gel, she doesn't need me anymore either.
Perhaps I should go join Anne in death.
~Raz
-
Daniella sought me out. I was not surprised, she questioned why I called Toran names and had such anger for him when I left the report about the events near Storan's recently. The conversation started as I envisioned it would. She defended Toran and denounced Anne. I lit her up about losing faith in Anne. When I was done she started saying things I did not believe, things I could not listen to. She said Anne was corrupt, that she had been deteriorating into Corath long before we saw signs. She gave examples and times and I refuted them with my heart. There is no way the Anne I knew when I was with the Corathites was evil, she took care of me. I saw her heart, her pains and her goals. I know she walked in darkness at times, but her heart always saw her back to the light.
Daniella then said it was at that time the true battle of what she was to be was fought. Daniella said it was likely that because I was there that it took as long as it did for her to lose her way. That if I had not been there, the break would have likely came then. That because I was there it took longer for Corath to win out. Daniella saw success in this and said I was a good man that lost a fallen woman to a God. That there was no shame in a valiant attempt and I did everything within reason and beyond. Those words do not ring in my heart, I know if I stayed with her and got her away from the influence of her corruption that Anne could have been saved. Daniella said she choose her path and that in one of her final acts of caring she separated herself from me, Anne already knew the conclusion and I'd of become a causality.
I don't know anymore. I don't know anything anymore. I know she was lost to Corath and I couldn't stop it. I know that when I do die Anne will be my judge, and she will make pronouncement on my soul.
My head hurts. My heart hurts.
~Raz
-
I know Daniella was right, but it's all wrong. Anne should have been able to be saved. I should have got to her earlier, I should have defied her and stayed, I should have fought harder and loved fiercer. The Toranites should have taken them with me at the end. I could have saved many of their lives. I could have offered redemption at the end for her, to give her one last chance for the good that she did accomplish.
One of the things that disturb me now is she chose death at the end and did not return to the bindstone. Why? If she was loyal to Corath she'd of fought until killed, what did she have to lose? I thought she gave the last gift she had to Toran and went quietly. Daniella thinks she either had a final act of who she was win out, or perhaps the soul mother took the last of her. The last isn't it, I know it isn't. It's too convenient.
The best I can guess is that she chose death, trusting in the bindstone and then Corath was simply done with her and cast her away. Or she did give the last gift she could to Toran. Perhaps she realized how far she fell and was hoping to find him again with that last act. I hope this is the case, but I'm too afraid to ask Daniella if Toran would forgive her then. I don't think he would. Or lastly, she made a deal with someone, that by not returning she'd gain something. But I can't think of what.
I do fear that when I die, she will sit in judgment. How could she forgive me if I was truly the only person that had a chance of saving her? I look at what I have done and see a life of failures and loss. I'm tired of losing people. I miss Anne, Amanda, Hedessa, Trenton and even Ben.
What have I ever done that matters to anyone? How have I ever changed the world for the better?
~R
-
I've been sad and depressed for weeks now, forever in my world. I've been thinking of those questions. What have I ever done that made a difference to anyone?
How have I ever changed to world to make it better?
Well I could claim my kids, but Mera is the only one I'm actually involved in. I could claim my sculpting, but I do it because I love doing it. I could claim all the monsters I've killed, but there is no shortage of them, I don't see how it's anything lasting. Hmmm I guess my answers are:
I learned to fight and sculpt for myself. But they both have been extremely important to me. The fighting allowed me the freedom to go out into the world and take care of myself. And there have been times where I have participated in fights that have been important. I have helped actually save lives directly with my participation. I even saved a little girl from being eaten by a water horse. There have been more counts then what I give myself credit for. I wonder why I am built that way?
The sculpting was of significance in my spiritual growth. In taking a chance to succeed, to doing something that made me happy in and of itself. With the risk and success there, it opened something in me, I took different chances. I took chances to be successful. I refocused in my magical studies; I for once took them seriously. Instead of just going as far as my natural talents took me, I put effort into it. I made it a priority. I am so thankful that Amanda was around at this time in my life, she always encouraged me. I know that my successes did make a difference to her. That's why I still take it seriously even now. To honor her faith in me.
I remain who I am spontaneous and impulsive, lead by dreams. Anne in many ways has been my strength and my weakness. She made me believe I was better than what I am, that I was part of something greater than just her and I. It was from her faith in me and my belief in the greater good that I decided to go purchase those three slaves and free them, to dream of building my own ship and becoming a thorn in the side of pirates, slavers and the GDC.
As I have been thinking these last weeks, I know I have to keep after this dream. I have to do something that matters. I have to have something to tell Anne when I see her again. I am going to name the ship the Ravenwind. And when I falter I will redouble my efforts, for me and for Anne. I am going to do this for both of us. I am stronger because of Anne; let my successes be our successes. Let our failures be our own.