The World of Layonara
Character Development => Development Journals and Discussion => Topic started by: Alatriel on August 10, 2008, 11:10:29 AM
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So many things have happened since I first came to Ft. Llast. I've met a lot of people, and seen a lot of things. My favorite place to be still is fighting skeletons in the crypts in Vehl. I love to watch as they crumble under the might of Toran's power, and know that I am able to channel that power for His purposes. That city is plagued with problems, not only of undeath, but of greed, prostitution, and otherwise lost souls in general. I do what I can to help.
One of the older paladins in this area that I have met, Mr. Balazar went with me and a large group of people on our second attempt to clean out a large crypt that we discovered deep in the Sooth Moors. He said that it was at one point home to a lich that Master Quantum killed. I asked if it was THE lich... the one that they talk about him killing before he was appointed the Hand. He never did say though. Mr. Balazar asked me to walk with him, so I obliged. We traveled all the way by boat to Alindor and fought a few giants before coming to the Lake of Glass. He said he wanted to tell me a story. He told me of a paladin that he once knew by the name of Maev O'Leary. He said she rose to power quickly, and had a tragic fall because she lost faith in Toran. It was a very sad story, and she seemed to be a scar on Toran's glory... to break and oath and to fall like that. But then Mr. Balazar said something awful. He said I reminded him of her. I assured him that I have less than no intention to lose faith in Toran. I will not make the mistake that she did. He said that she put her faith in people over faith in her god. Well... I really don't see that happening. I keep trying to tell myself that I should live by the Beacon's example... that friends and other relationships complicate things. When I look at what Lance has been dealing with, I know she must be right. It does get lonely at times, but then I remind myself that I am never alone as long as Toran is with me.
I should try to figure out where my path is headed though in His service. Do I want to remain as I am? Continue down the path of the paladin, or do I want to follow in the footsteps of my mentor and become an undead hunter? I wonder sometimes about what she told me. About the corruption in the church. I know she would never lie to me... but no one else seems to notice it.
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I went outside today to get some air after spending a long time making potions, and I ran into Aeronn. Apparently he was also enjoying the fresh air, and managed to make his way to Ft. Llast. We decided to go for a walk together, and he said that the view from the cliff side of Blackford Castle was breathtaking... he was right. I'm not exactly sure what to make of our little outing. He is very strong on the battlefield and I have always enjoyed his company, but being alone with him in that setting... I'm not sure what to make of it. Apparently he has felt the call of Rofirein since he was very young and his father was a knight of Rofirein as well. It seems a very familiar story to me given my own choice to follow Toran and father's footsteps. I need to think more on this though. Perhaps after a good night's sleep I'll be able to make a bit more sense of it...
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Lately I find myself wishing that Toran and Rofirein had not parted in their alliance... then maybe things would be simpler. With the Beacon gone, I cannot even ask for her wisdom, but then, I almost fear for what she would tell me. No, I probably should just keep this to myself. It's probably nothing anyways. Perhaps I only imagine... no... the way he looked at me tonight, I couldn't possibly have mistaken that.
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I went on an excursion with Lance and Aeronn and Miss Ell. We had toasted the new year in the hopes that this next year we would be able to accomplish even more good than the previous one. We went to Dregar so that Aeronn could complete a mission for a man in North Fort, and also we also sought out the pirate problem near Hurm. After we completed Aeronn's mission we headed into the desert and fought giants... and I didn't fare so well. That's the second time I've fallen in battle this month, but this time Aeronn was there. When I returned from the bindstone, Lance assured me that he asked Miss Ell not to raise me, which I thanked him for, not wishing to once again feel the ill affects that Aragen's blessing seems to leave me with. Aeronn seemed both concerned and relieved, and extremely overprotective, but I suppose that is a trait of Rofireinites perhaps. I assured him that I would be alright once I was able to pray at the place where I fell, but he asked that I stand back from the fights when we encountered more giants on the way back. That recieved an odd look from Lance, but in my state at the time I believe I would be no help to them, and it would be foolish for me to try lest I fall again... and that would help no one. I worried a few times during the battles as I saw Aeronn falter a couple of times, but Miss Ell was quick to heal him so that he could continue. I am glad that neither of them were killed while trying to help me. After I had recovered Miss Ell went her separate way, and Aeronn and I made our way back to Leringard by way of Hurm.
He still had so much concern in his expression that I had to reassure him once more that I was fine, and that this is part of what both of us do. He said that he was used to the toll of battle, but then he cut himself off before he said much more. I told him that people fall in battle. It happens. He blamed himself for not being able to reach me with healing before the giant hit me with his axe, but I told him that the fault rested only with myself as I had lost concentration before I was able to heal myself, and that he not need feel responsible or sorry over it. Toran saved me once again from the soul mother's toll, so all is well. It was raining when we reached Leringard, so we went to an inn there that Aeronn told me belonged to Chaynce Baldu'muur's mother. We stayed there for the night, separately of course, but we met the next morning for breakfast. I do feel that I am growing fonder of him, but I worry if it will keep me from fulfilling the tasks that I need to be doing in Toran's name. First and foremost my heart and soul should belong to my god and His purpose, right? Perhaps I am growing careless. I try very hard to keep things straightforward and businesslike... but I know I am failing miserably.
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There's something about Aesthir that does not sit well with me. He was asking a lot of questions about the Toranite church, and he was continuously leading my questions and changing my words around to make them sound different from my meaning. I never told him anything really about what goes on, but he kept asking about our vows, what our code was, etc. Finally after he'd asked the questions several times and me not giving him any real answers, but him also not giving up, I told him that if he really wanted to know all he needed to do was to go inside a temple of Toran and ask. Obviously I know that a Knight of Rofirein will not do that. Finally he stopped asking the questions. I did call him out on his leading though, and he got a bit defensive, and then left the group once we got back to town. He can be a good ally in battle, but sometimes... there's just something I can't place. I know Lance seems cautious of him. There's definitely a difference between Aesthir and Aeronn, even if they are of the same order. Aeronn is warm and caring, even when speaking of the law and justice, and he seems to truly care about people, but Aesthir is cold, and seems to not to truly care about anything BUT justice.
I have not seen the Beacon in some time now. I hope she is well, though I expect that if she were not the church would know.
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The soul mother visited me once again...
We went to the Dragon Isles, and fought the minotaurs, but on the way out, they must have sent in stronger numbers of reinforcements. They noticed us and all attacked at once. I'm honestly not sure how many of us were so close to death so many times before we actually succumbed to it. I'm not sure how, but even though I fell I managed to awake, weak from bloodloss, to look around at my fallen companions, Razeriem, Tod, Miss Amireana... and Aeronn... All had fallen, and the minotaurs were still standing over us. I mustered all the strength I could and ran. I managed to get up to the upper level of the cave when I ran into the gorgons, who apparently decided to aid the minotaurs in their chase, and I was suddenly unable to move as I felt the final blow into nothingness... then I felt ripped apart as another piece of my soul was stolen, and I found myself at the bindstone. I wish I could say that it doesn't hurt as much this time, but I can't. All I can say is that I will not let myself be guided by hatred and anger like I did before with the goblins. Tod reminded me of my folly then, and I will not make that mistake again.
I found the rest of our party save Miss Amireana... I'm not sure where she was bound... back in Ft. Vehl near the docks, where we decided if we would return to pray or not. Razeriem said that he could cast invisibility on us so that we could return in safety, but Aeronn refused saying there was no honor in going invisible before his enemies. I guess this angered Tod because he yelled at Aeronn that he'd go back by himself, which he did. Razeriem also had words for Aeronn, saying that it was a stupid law that Rofirein had chosen for his followers to obey because it meant that Aeronn would now be useless to any and all that needed him until he recovered. I told Razeriem that I had already lost enough of my soul for one day that I did not want to have the rest of it torn at by his spiteful words. He got very angry and left. I'm not sure where he went because he did not return. I can only hope that if he did decide to go back to the Minotaur cave that he made it out safely again.
Miss T showed up and started spouting off something about maybe we should leave the minotaurs alone, and Aeronn attempted to explain to her that if we let them, they will overrun any nearby settlements or towns. She asked him for proof so he gave her the examples of Hempstead with the Kobolds, and Hlint with the invading Goblins... I just gave up, I didn't want to hear anymore, I was too tired and worn from the exprerience. I made my way to the Arena to sit for a while and reflect. Aeronn came after me, but I could see how weakened he was from his death. He sat next to me and put his arm around me, and for a moment I forgot all about the churches and those who would tell us not to be together, and I was able to relax and be comforted, almost as if the piece of my soul had been returned as long as he was near. But once I realized that, I remembered that I have a duty, and as much as my heart and soul seems to be pulled to him, I have pledged myself to Toran, and that is where my heart and soul should lie... not with a Knight of Rofirein. I pulled myself away, and told him that we should fine the others. If I cannot trust myself to be alone with him, then I should simply make sure that we have other company with us as often as possible.
There was a group of people outside the arena near the temple, and Marec was there, trying valiantly, even if to no avail, to find people to aid us in returning to the Minotaurs so that we would be able to pray and recover more quickly. Eventually he gave up and went to meditate somewhere. I hope he is not angered. I didn't need more people to die to try to help me. I knew that I would be better with time. I found myself lost in my own thoughts. Thoughts about my duty, and where it lies, thoughts about Aeronn, and the words of my mother... that even those in the service of Toran deserve to be loved... I grew tired and needed rest. Once I had rested though I felt better.
Miss Ell arrived and then Lance, and eventually we all decided to duel a bit in the arena. Lance and Ell battled each other a couple times, and then Miss T wanted to fight us in order to improve her technique. I accepted the challenge, having fought her before, and she trully has improved... though she was still beaten. It was a harder fight though as she moved around so much I could barely make contact with my blade, and often she was able to parry my strikes. She certainly is learning, whereever her teaching is coming from. Aeronn also fought her, and so did Lance... I don't know how Lance is as quick as he is, but he is very formidable in battle. I offered my two magic rings to aid strength to Aeronn when he and Miss T fought against Lance and Tugs. It didn't help enough as they were both beaten quite surely. Aeronn and I dueled each other also, and we were fairly evenly matched... but he let his guard down in the end and I won. When Aeronn returned my rings, though, he gave me a third as well... a ring that he made for me. When I looked at it more closely I saw that the stone was held in place on either side by a symbol: on one side, the symbol of Toran, the other side, the Rofirein crest. As I look at it now I am proud to wear it, though I know that when the Beacon returns she will not approve. I told Aeronn that as well, and he said that he did not want to cause me trouble, but I explained that as he made it for me, I love it, and I will wear it with pride... whatever may come.
I know how Toran feels about the church of Rofirein... but if He could forgive Navarre for what he did, and accept him back into his grace... maybe there is hope for the alignment of the gods again some day? Or at least there may be hope for Aeronn and me?
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I met another Toranite a few days back. He said his name was Tristan In'Darsus, and that he had been trained by Quantum. I guess that makes sense if Rain In'Darsus said that Master Quantum was a close personal friend of his that he would get him to train his son. We met at the crypts in Ft. Vehl, but then we travelled to Storan's Crypt after that, where I'd gone before with Marec and Aeronn and Aesthir. The first time I went in there, Aeronn died, and we had to go and help him return... this time with Tristan and Tod and Aerimor... oh yes, I met him too, though he says his debt has been paid for his crimes and he is free again... well this time I died. I got swarmed by mummies and then before I knew it I was at the bindstone. Luckily, both times, Aeronn's and mine, the soul mother stayed her hand.
I am curious about Master Quantum though. Is he really corrupt? My father speaks of him with nothing but respect, but well, that's normal because my father seems to respect everyone within the church, as well he should. But the Beacon is not fond of him. It's difficult. Two people that I trust very much have such different views of people. Which one is correct? Or is it possible that they are both correct? Or both wrong?
Aeronn and I also had dinner recently, and we discussed Aesthir. Apparently I am not completely off in my feelings about him. Aeronn says he's sensed some of the same things about him as well. Perhaps that is why Lance has always been so wary of him, and I've never understood Aesthir's apparent disdain for Lance. I will not completely shove off the company of Aesthir, not yet, but I also will not travel alone with him anymore.
Oh, and I met another Rofireinite too, named Alassir... I'm starting to wonder if perhaps Rofirein prefers names that begin with A. Ha!
We travelled down to Haven mines yesterday, and we were able to make it out safely. All of us. I can't remember who all started with us, but I know that we were joined by a dwarf and then a half-orc or something, but he was rude, and in my opinion untrustworthy, and he muttered something about Toranites and never would answer my question when I asked him which god he served. He started killing the ogre slaves once we got down in that area also, in spite of us telling him to leave them alone. Luckily he left us, so we no longer had to worry about if he would turn on us or not.
It's always such a great debate with those ogre slaves. If we leave them, they are still slaves. If we set them free, they will attack us, since they attempt to even through their bars, or perhaps they would attack Haven City, and then we would have to kill them. So which is more cruel? To leave them alone or to kill them? I prefer to leave them alone I guess, but I do think that some think that they should be set free, even if it is only to defend themselves before their own deaths. Though seeing the number of gnolls in those mines, and they do seem to just multiply faster than rabbits in springtime, I wonder if the mine should just be destroyed, in spite of the richness of ore. One of these days that ore may run out, and then what will we be left with? A hole full of gnolls. Ha! I am funny today. And they said that Toranites have no sense of humor!
On a darker note though, after we left the mines, a friend of Aeronn's came by. Iradril. I've met him before on a quest where we battled demons of all sorts, many months ago, but I'd never seen him without his helm. Aeronn said that he never asked him to remove it because he knew what was underneath, and Iradril said something about keeping himself covered in respect of those he served. I told him that he did not serve me, and I prefered to know who I was speaking to, so he said we needed to seek a place of privacy. We went outside the city, and once it was just the three of us, he removed his helm. He's a dark elf! I asked Aeronn why I shouldn't report him, and how a knight of Rofirein could in good conscience be friends with such a creature, and of course he had his excuses. I was furious. Aeronn later tried to explain and said something about Iradril being awarded honors and that he is allowed in the cities and other such nonsense. I let him tell me the whole story of how he met him and everything. I was cooking and I guess it calms me because I said that I would not make a report about it, but neither would I trust him or be friends with him. Not after I've had so much trouble hunting that other dark elf. I just don't understand why people are so quick to trust dark elves. But I do trust Aeronn, so for now I will simply watch out to make sure Iradril does not betray Aeronn's trust, regardless of how misguided it may be.
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The Hand has been taken by undead.
The reactions are not necessarily what I would have expected. I know that he supposedly has many friends around Mistone, those that constantly profess that he is a close and personal friend of theirs. When I spoke with the Mistone guard stationed in Llast after it happened, he said that the church had notified the Undead Slayers around the world. I can only hope that they answer the call. I happened upon the Beacon Ravenwind after I found out about it... she was yelling at Razeriem for not keeping his word about something... I thought she must've been notified and returned because of what had happened, but she said she did not know. Strangely, though, she didn't seem too upset about him leaving, even though her words said otherwise. I know she's said before of the corruption in the Order that began with Master Quantum himself, but still... to be happy about someone, anyone, being taken by undead. I must have misunderstood it. Didn't I? She said that she would head to Huangjin to meet with the others and decide on a replacement for the interrim. I said that finding Master Quantum should be our priority, and she said yes, but order must be kept. I guess she meant that they would have to maintain the order in order to best look for him.
A few days later I found Aeronn and Marec outside of Ft. Llast, and we were joined shortly thereafter by a dwarf named Argali who described herself as the Defender of Vorax... but she apparently didn't know who or what the Shining Hand of Toran was... which I found odd. Still, as our allies, they should know what has transpired in order to lend aid in finding him. Mrs. Dawnstar came out of the gates looking distraught. Apparently she had just found out. But then Chaynce Baldu'muur, and then Brian after that came to where we were and Chaynce started making accusations stating he believed that Anne Ravenwind was responsible and kept demanding where Anne was. All three of them started telling me things that she allegedly did, calling her evil and that even if she wasn't responsible for Quantum's abduction, and they believed that she was, she would not hesitate to take his place. Chaynce claimed that she told him in no uncertain terms that she would be the Hand, one way or another.
I hate to admit it, for a moment, the things that they said... and with the way the Beacon was with that dark elf, and the way she was with Razeriem, and that small smile when I told her that he was taken... I believed them. In fact, she seemed to be more concerned with my so-called dress code violation... which was absurd... than with what should be done about the Hand's abduction... And as long as I have known her, in the past year and a half that I have been at Ft. Llast, she has seemed different.
But then their lies started to fall apart. Brian kept saying she cut off someone's hand, and then stated it was Chaynce, and he even said that she didn't cut off his hand, but he claimed she tried to stab him. I know her. If she had tried to stab him she would have succeeded. Obviously she didn't, so once again their lies were falling apart. And they got insulting. I may not agree with the Beacon on everything, and I am not certain that she is not capable of some of the things that they were accusing her of, but I agree with my father. I will not question authority in a public forum to those not initiated into the Order. I will bring it up when I have her alone sometime, but I will not fail to support her and the others of Toran's chosen to non-believers.
Chaynce said he was going to kill Anne. I assured him that I would not let him do that, though I believe he would not be able to kill her, but instead would be going to his own funeral, with or without having to go through me first. The fact that he stated his intent in front of a paladin of Rofirein was just stupid in my opinion, but at least if for some odd reason the Beacon does end up murdered, we'll know exactly where to go.
Then they came up with the most ludicrous idea and accusation of all, they said they thought that the Beacon was a vampire. Now I know for certain they are crazy. The Beacon? A Vampire? Not a chance.
What happened after that doesn't really matter too much. Jaelle Thornwood showed up with Razeriem's child, and there was more talk, then some investigation, then Chaynce went to "ask" the ogres if they saw anything, and after they started to attack him I went to help. He may want to kill the Beacon, but I'm not going to stand by and watch him get killed before he actually commits the crime. Then I'd be just as guilty.
Anyways, Chaynce wanted me to go to Arindor's demise with him, but I could not bear the insults of the Mistite any longer and I left to the temple. I will pray every day about what I heard. I don't know how much of what they said was true. Perhaps it is all just a misunderstanding. But I have seen her do some very out of character things in the past year. Maybe they just don't understand that she does what she does for the good of the people. Or maybe she has lost her way? If that is the case though, if she has lost her way, wouldn't Toran withdraw his blessings?
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It's been a lot of busy days recently, as should be expected since the Hand was taken. I guess I don't know where exactly to start...
I went to Huangjin to find Chaynce and attempt to convince him not to kill Anne. I still don't know if he actually listened or not, but after a long time arguing with him the fool actually tried to kiss me! Well, I slapped him and he left the steps of the Citadel and into the city, so I guess that was some form of a victory. For some reason I guess he thought that if I spoke to her about the allegations made against her that she would harm me. I still don't think she would... in spite of everything that has happened even since then.
I learned from another paladin at the Citadel that Gilbert Gallant was out chasing every possible lead that he received as to Quantum's whereabouts, and many of them even bordered on the absurd. Like, the Hand shopping for new gloves somewhere in the Dragon Isles... He was chasing ghosts, and somewhere the Hand was still missing.
I decided to call upon my own training. There were plenty of clues around me. We know that he was taken by many many undead, and that there were two female vampires who cast darkness. We know that someone mentioned that there was another Hand to kill. We know that when the undead were first spotted, when the attack began, Tod and Keppli were gathering berries near Krandor. We know that in the position that the Hand is in, he has many enemies.
Through talking with others, and doing what I could to investigate, I learned that there were vampires, and occaisionally even followers of Corath, deep in the Crypts of Krandor. So a group of us gathered to go down into the crypt. We were forced to return, we were not a strong enough force to continue at that time. We returned again though, this time a stronger force of Toranites and Razeriem, who may not be a follower, but his heart is good, and occaisionally his blade is true. We were able to reach even the lowest part of the crypt this time... but the Hand was not there. There were no followers of Corath either. We were disheartened not to find him, but at least we followed up on the possibility, and we know he is not there, so we can move on to the next possibility, based on what we know.
Tristan In'Darsus found us shortly after our resurfacing, and he brought with him sad news. Anne Ravenwind has left the church. She left her ankh, her cloak and her sword on the temple steps and rode off on her horse. I don't know if anyone has seen her or heard from her since. I worry for her, and I pray that Toran is able to guide her back to us, preferably before she does something that will endanger herself or others. If the Hand were not missing and possibly dying, I would go immediately to find her, but in this case, I have to prioritize. As soon as the Hand is safe, I will leave to find her. I only hope it is not too late by then.
I interviewed with Mrs. Dawnstar as she had stated previously that she was a close friend to Master Quantum. She wanted to talk about Anne. She wanted to tell me all of the horrible things she had witnessed her doing. I wanted to find the Hand. Eventually she let me go with her to his house, and the two of us searched through his desk to see if we could find anything useful. Then we returned to Mistone. So far no one knows of anyone specifically who may be responsible, at least not for certain, but many people seem to believe that Anne is responsible. I sure hope not... Evene now as I write this I am starting to wonder if I need to go ahead and go find her, not necessarily that I believe she would do such a thing, but to allay everyone else's fears, and hope to convince Anne to come back. Her strength would be welcomed.
I met with Lance, Chaynce, Tod, Marec and Aeronn in Port Hempstead after I returned from Master Quantum's house, and they decided to go into Arindor's Demise to look for Quantum there. I needed to go to the Temple, but intended to join up with them afterward. I could not find them though, so I returned to the temple. Kashi came and spoke to me while I paced back and forth across the floor trying to piece together information. She told me that Anne was stationed at Ft. Llast as her first assignment. She was then a simple cleric, she said, a different woman than she is now. She told me that gradually she became different after she joined the Order. Things changed her. She said that her heart changed, but her faith never waivered. I hope that if she has not lost her faith than perhaps her heart may be able to be turned again. I don't know what happened to her... but I feel I owe it to her for everything that she has ever done for me, everything she has taught me, to find out. My own heart is torn. I wish I was able to search for both of our lost clerics at the same time.
After I spoke with Kashi I went outside for a while. Aeronn was there, recovering from a recent death and a trip to the bindstone. He said that things got bad during their trip into the Demise. Eventually Tod returned, and he said that Lance and Chaynce were behind him. They took a while and still hadn't showed up, so we travelled down the road a little while to find them. They said we needed to get back to the temple and inside. Aeronn could not enter the temple, but he stayed outside, to guard he said. Once inside, they said that one of the vampires had followed them back. I called out to Aeronn to make sure he was still alright, and we all agreed that perhaps we should go back outside for his safety since because of his god, he was the only one who could not enter the temple. There was a strange fog that kept coming and going around the town. Then suddenly a vampire appeared. Tod said it was one of the ones that took the Hand. I asked it where the Shining Hand was, but it said that it did not have him, that they were not that foolish. Of course, it could easily have been lying. Or perhaps it did take the Hand, but delivered him to someone else? As we were in no condition to fight at that time I told it to leave and go back to it's hell-hole. Though I know all it did was postpone it's destruction. We will have to return there to fight and destroy in Toran's name. The vampire seemed to take special interest in Chaynce though, so we told him he should stay at the Temple for the time being. He must not have been thinking clearly. I swear that man is an idiot. He seemed to think that the vampire would not harm him simply because it hadn't yet. The sun came up soon after the vampire disappeared and the light began to dissipate the evil from before dawn.
I bid Aeronn farewell, and asked that he seek shelter somewhere if he was not able to reach Vehl by nightfall.
I think Chaynce will stay at the temple for now, but I am sure he won't be able to stay still for long. He asked me what I thought of him, and I told him the truth. I think he is rude, and brash, and idiotic. He thought that meant I hated him, but I don't. I just hope he doesn't do something stupid.
I needed rest after the long days. I would continue on the mission relentlessly, but reason tells me I would be no help to anyone without time to sleep and recover and hopefully put together all the pieces of information that I have. I still haven't figured out the next place to look... but I do keep something that Kashi said to me in mind.
Toran works in strange ways sometimes, and it is always darkest before the dawn...
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I saw Anne.
I gave Aeronn back his ring.
I have to find Quantum.
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Toran is testing me. We are supposed to be tested by things that will strengthen us, so that we know where are weaknesses are and we can become stronger in spite of the. Toran must have seen that I had a weakness in my feelings for Aeronn. That he was a distraction, inspite of me telling myself that he was only a help to me. But after talking to Anne... No. My god is more important. I will not fall to temptation that will lead me from the path that I am meant for. This pain I feel will go away, just like any other wound I have ever received. The pain will fade.
At least I pray that it will.
Though I wonder if perhaps he threw Chaynce at me just to show me that it was indeed a test of faith and my own strength. A picnic? In these times? Yes definitely a test. Toran must be showing me that I need patience, and that I need to hold tight to virtue and rightousness...
As always, I will do my best.
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We're going into Arindor's. Again. This time I will not be called away from the task. We are going in there and we're not coming out until it is cleaned out of all the undeath that resides in it. Hopefully we will find Quantum there and have him safely returned. But even if not, no one will be able to say we did not search every corner, every crack, for clues of his whereabouts.
Laura found Tristan and me at the mouth of the hole. She was haughty and talked about how she used to be a vampire, but claims she's only an elf now. She said she'd been cured and that she was no longer a vampire because she was cured. Anne didn't believe her, why should I? For all I know she could be responsible for Quantum's disappearance. There is one cure for vampirism. You destroy the vampire. I know that much from my training. She called herself Evelyn Mistbane, and she said she wanted to help find Quantum. She said she'd gather information. I cannot trust anything she says.
She was standing right in front of me. Anne has been searching for her for years now. I should have killed her. The woman has killed so many people. She has no remorse for the evil that she has done, only claiming that it was not actually her, but that she makes no reparations, has no regret? How is she rehabilitated then?
What stopped me from killing her?
Toran, please guide me. Please show me the path to take to find your servant, and to see that justice is done to those who would go against Your will, against goodness, against the light.
There is balance in the undead? What nonsense was that? Did she honestly expect me to believe that there is balance in undeath? What kind of a fool did she take me for? Chaos is not balance. Order is balance.
Toran, please grant me the wisdom to see me through these trials with grace and dignity. You test me most in places that I need to learn to control. When I ask for patience, you grant me situations that require patience. I know that when I ask for strength, you grant me situations that require strength. I know that since I am asking for wisdom now it is probably because you have given me a situation to grow in wisdom, but please, oh Great Leader... please help me not fail those whose lives are at stake. I need your wisdom now, which is greater than my own. Please allow me to be but an instrument of Your will. Let your will be done.
-
The search for the Hand continues, and the list of the missing seems to continue to grow. Now in addition to Quantum and Anne, there were also the bodies of the two slayers that we found in the dragon isles, and there are three paladins that have gone missing, but even though I have the desire to go and search for them, I have not the force at my disposal. I will continue to look on my own, but if they do not return soon, I worry that they, like the slayers, will not be able to.
Toran, please lend your light and see your followers safely home.
-
Well... where do I begin? There has been so much going on lately that I have not had time to write. We went into Arindor's Demise. We made it all the way down to the bottom... Well most of us did anyways. A couple of us fell along the way, myself included. That vampire that keeps taunting us was there, and one fool said he thought that she was going to help us. Sure she was. She helped us to our deaths. I tried to destroy her. Twice. Actually three times now, but I'll get to that. Miss Iellwen, as much as I like her as a person, and if she really will be Lance's wife... she has got to stop raising me from the dead. I would prefer to simply be drawn to the bindstone than be raised by whom Toran dislikes. Why no one could speak up for me, I don't know...
Anyways, when we got to the bottom, we met Death. Not just as if we all died, but as in a walking death. I don't know if we failed in our mission or not. I guess we did. We didn't find Quantum.
We got a sort of lead days later that someone had seen some men in black robes shoving an older man in a bag... I think... in the Ire Mountains, so we went to investigate. There were four of us, Balazar, Lex'or, Angel, and me. Something cast darkness and then Angel was gone. Lex'or said he thought maybe Angel got scared, but I've never seen Angel be afraid enough to run... especially not if he could do some good. We did'nt know where he went so we continued into the caves. There were more vampires in there. We made it through the whole cave that we were in and found nothing else. We destroyed the vampires in there, but no sign of Quantum, and no sign of Angel. We went back to Ft. Llast, and Angel was there. He said he'd seen Quantum. He was in bad shape, Angel said, but he could not heal him. We know now that the followers of Corath have him.
There's more, but my thoughts are not organized right now.
Oh... and we found the missing paladins. They were already dead.
And Tod lied to me. He apologized and made me a pie. I hope that he never lies to me again, but I don't know now if I can trust him. That hurts.
-
So this vampire that has kept coming back again and again got angry when we were in Arindor's Demise again. We never went down into her rooms where all the other vampires were, we were only in the top level. She threatened innocents, and children, and said she didn't want us even in the Silkwood forest. I will not give up the forest to a vampire. She has no claim over it. But she threatened to take three children from Llast. Aerimor attacked, so Aesthir and I followed suit. I don't believe any of us survived.
I warned the temple, who in turn warned the town, and I don't know if any children were taken. I hope not. I saw Laura, the so-called-ex-vampire in town afterward. She wanted to make a deal. She told me she'd take care of my problem with Sharyn- yes, she knows her by name- if I got her all of her records from Huangjin and gave them to her, so that she could have a clean slate. First of all, I would never do that. Second of all, I don't think I could if I wanted to. Third, if she knows what this vampire has been doing, plus I've seen her walk into the demise, she's probably behind the whole thing in the first place, and perhaps this is what she wanted from the beginning!
But then she said that she knew where Anne was. She threatened to expose her.
I will not bargain with evil. And no matter what people try to say about that woman, good people do not threaten others to get what they want.
Toran, please watch over Anne. Even though she left your following, I know that she still follows you in her heart. She is trying to do some good. Please keep her safe.
-
Someone keeps leaving flowers for me at Ft. Llast. I don't know who is leaving them, but I suppose it must be someone at the temple, or someone who knows people there... how else would they know which room I sleep in? It wasn't Chaynce anyways, he said he wished he'd thought of it. But I told him, Toran is first, second and third. Always, there is no exceptions to that. It worked with my parents because they both agreed on that. They loved each other, but they loved Toran more. It gave our family a stable point to focus on, and we had an excellent moral compass because of it. I don't think people seem to understand that. Others have told me of paladins who left Toran because they found more than Toran...
There is nothing more than Toran. If it is meant to be, it will fall in line in an orderly fashion and fit itself in with my faith. If it does not, it is not worth having.
-
Am I still so easily shaken? That a moment of a friend, a love, in peril, and a happenstance occurance, which may have been an answered prayer, or perhaps just an odd coincidence, could cause a feeling as if my feet have left me? My soul is dedicated is it not? I obey the laws, my code, my god, my temple. I am loyal to those I have given my word. I do not break those oaths, and I attempt to carry myself with honor and dignity and fight with valor against the evils of this world. I hold to the principles of Toran with all conviction I can muster, and all of those I willingly and joyfully do in His service. And yet the sacrifice I have made in His name... I am starting to understand that I have only begun to catch a glimpse of what the meaning of that word is. This may be the code of my homeland, but it applies to my path in so many ways. How my heart can feel both raw and uplifted at the same time... knowing that what I give up should pale in the comparison of that which I strive to achieve in Toran's name. To give up the distraction, the conflicted feelings and thoughts. To be mindful only of what must be achieved in the name of the All Watching. That should and will steady me.
It was only a coincidence. A test perhaps. A test to show me that I am not yet complete. But with time and dedication. With conviction. Perhaps one day I will not be shaken by matters of the heart. Perhaps Tristan is right. Perhaps we are not meant to be alone. But I am not alone as long as Toran is where my devotion lies.
-
Curse you Ilsare! Curse you to the worst possible Hell and may you never come back to torment me again!
I can't do this much longer. I can't push him away, yet having him near me is agony. The more I fight against my love for him the more it keeps coming back. A look, a smile... If only he would choose to follow the Great Leader instead of the Great Protector. If he could just see that the law is not there simply for the sake of the law, but for the people, and that as people change, sometimes we must look to the heart of people so as to change the heart of the law.
But my heart.. he said that his soul belongs to Rofirein, but his heart belongs to me, forever. Oh why does he say things like that? I don't want to say things like that. I don't want there to be conflict in my heart over who to love more, my god, or a mortal that my heart pulls me to.
Thank Toran for Victory. At least while I am with him, riding with the wind in my hair I can forget at least for a little while the aching in my heart.
Why is it that Lance can marry Ell, and yet my heart tells me that being with Aeronn is wrong? And yet I am still pulled towards him? I offered him to try the longsword instead of the bastard sword. But he is intent on staying with Rofirein. That dragon with the golden scales I am starting to loathe to see. A constant reminder of the rift between our gods, and the rift in my heart. How am I to remain impartial to someone that I can't help but love?
Toran... please... I need answers. I need help and guidance. I can't do this on my own.
-
After seeing him from a distance and knowing what it is that he stands for, it really is different meeting Master Michaelis himself in the flesh, and actually speaking with him. I had only gone to Huangjin in hopes of finding Beacon Dubois, and out of coincidence, or perhaps something that Toran forsaw as something I would need, there he was. He was speaking with Ortheus, so I waited a while and then asked Miss Tyria if Beacon Dubois had returned yet. It seemed that he had not, but then Master Michaelis offered if I needed to speak with him, so I took the opportunity to introduce the idea that Lance and Balazar and I have been working on recently with the Toran Fellowship. I think Brandon may be quite interested in it as well. It seems that Master Michaelis was supportive of the idea, and offered his advice on how to go about things to make sure that it was successful.
I left there feeling a bit relieved of all the things that have been going on lately. Toran must have known that I needed some inspiration. I had mentioned to Michaelis that people still see us and compare us to the Rofireinites. He said to me, "It's mercy that separates us....most of us. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise."
I needed those words of wisdom when I finally did speak with Beacon Dubois. It seems that he felt that my recent mission was a failure. They are out for revenge. A quality I never believed to be true to Toran. Dubois said that the high priest and the Hand have given the order. My former mentor is to be taken along with the rest of them, dead or alive. Unless I can get her out of there ahead of time.
I have written to Master Michaelis in hopes that he will intercede on her behalf given that Anne recently saved the lives of three of us at her own very great personal risk. But if I do not hear from him... I know that it will be up to me to see that innocent... well, maybe not entirely innocent, but not evil either... lives are not taken simply to satisfy a lust for blood and vengeance.
Once again, Toran I ask for guidance. I know what is in my heart. But please give me the courage and strength to follow your desires and will above all else.
-
Toran does provide it seems. Perhaps Chaynce's connection to Toran is familial. I do worry though that his apparent wish to protect me or keep me safe is going to get him killed. But then, possibly, it could be that he rushes off into trouble, without thinking, and then instead of him protecting us, we end up having to save him. I think he just needs to learn a little order, maybe learn to protect himself somewhat. His values and his heart seem to be in the right place, he just doesn't ever seem to think before he does anything.
I don't think that bar was at all appropriate though.
And I don't think I"ll be going back there.
Aeronn's been fairly quiet the last few times I've seen him. Though I hope that we can settle into more of a friendship, and I hope someday that he finds someone better suited to him than me.
Until then, I feel that soon I may be headed back into the lion's den. I can only pray that the mission is successful next time.
-
Something good in the middle of so much darkness... something bright and safe and dare I even say fun and challenging all at the same time?
In the middle of so much hatred and vengeance and death... a chance for love?
Toran does provide indeed.
-
I had a talk with Aeronn last night. He found me at the inn. Apparently that little Brownie, Annie, told him he needed a wife, and that I would be a good wife for him except that I was already courting someone. I didn't think that I'd ever seen her around that she would know that, but then again, she is very small. Perhaps I overlooked her? Anyways, once he got over I guess the initial shock, Aeronn seemed to be alright with everything. He said that he is thinking of applying to be a Knight of the Wyrm. I hope that it makes him happy.
-
Mercy is a tricky thing...
This thing with the dark elf. With Sion. It's taken up now five years of my life, and will take up another twenty. There have been notices of people outside the temple now with people who have a problem with Sion being at the temple. They are afraid of him, and I don't blame them. He represents a people that has terrorized those of us on the surface for much longer than my short life has been witness to. I remember hearing stories as a young child from my parents and teachers of what dark elves were capable of.
So, since I failed to kill him when I was instructed, he got away. And since I failed to catch him, we had to wait five years before he decided to finally turn himself in. And since I asked for mercy that he know service rather than just sending him back to the deep or killing him, which may or may not be the end to him... we now are stuck with him. I am doing my best to see this as a test for me, a means to learn patience, to see beyond the darkness and negativity that he exudes, but I admit I am having a hard time.
Because he was with us, Miss Kashi was held at knife point. Because someone decided they wanted to kill the dark elf. Or... did he want to free him? I'm not sure anymore. The real question is, if we are out for the greater good, whose good are we serving here more? The good of one dark elf, or the good of the rest of the people who are now afraid to set foot inside our walls, where they used to come for refuge and safety? What happens if the children of Ft. Llast or the surrounding areas are threatened again by vampires? If we ask them to come into the temple for safety again, will they refuse? Will lives be lost because we have attempted to save one dark life from continuing down a dark path?
I've helped those outside the temple where I can, but I can only do so much. Twenty years may not be a long time to the dark elf, but to the humans it is a very long time, and will not be good for our following if they are not comfortable coming to us. But I don't think we can trust Sion outside our walls. He's proven too many times his willingness and ability to run off and do the wrong thing.
I will pray about it more... Something may have to change.
-
Well... I told him. I asked him if he meant it when he called me his love and he said he did, and asked how I felt. So I told him. I told him that in spite the fact that for so long I couldn't tell if I liked him or if I just wanted to hit him, probably to knock some sense into that thick head of his, I was surprised to find myself falling in love with him. The strange thing is, I never really thought about myself trully being with another person before. It got to the point that I worried if it would interfere with my devotion to Toran. I don't feel that my love for Toran has wavered at all, in fact, quite the opposite, but I needed to talk to someone that might give me just a bit more insight, so I decided to talk to Brandon. As a priest, I figured he would be the best person to consult with, and as a friend, I knew he'd give me a straight answer. I wondered if it was just a trick of Ilsare, or if it meant that I loved Toran less because I could love a man. He told me that he was not interfering in my duty to Toran for the simple reason that before anything really had been done or said, I was asking about how it would affect my devotion to my god. He told me that the important thing was that I was in love with that person and that he understood my responsibilities and passion for Toran, and that together we could do His work.
I still think that deep down he follows Toran at least in his actions even if he won't even admit it to himself. I don't expect him to join the clergy or anything... but there is a lot to him that he hides from the world. Maybe this is just one of those things.
-
Things that I know:
A lot of Corathites are dead.
Anne Ravenwind is safe again for now.
Beacon David Dubois is not following Toran in his actions, regardless of what he claims.
Isabelle Stridewith needs to stay away from my father.
Chaynce wants me to live with him someday.
I should not try to fight eight giants on my own.
I still sound like a woman apparently when Chaynce is involved.
I have a lot of work to do still.
-
They killed her.
Somehow they got a confession out of her, and they executed her.
No defense.
And HE told them not to tell me. Not until it was over.
His heart and his actions will be laid bare before Toran.
There are not separate rules for separate factions within our church. There is one Toran, one set of laws, one set of rules. We are not all subject to create our own given our own desires. If that were the case, we would all fall into destruction and chaos.
Toran give me the strength to do Your will. And no one else's.
-
I followed him to Vehl, after learning the atrocities he had committed in the name of Toran. Regardless of what the church would say, those acts cannot be permitted inside our ranks. We fought. Finally, after many threats from him about having me exiled from the church for doing what was right, I shackled Dubois to bring him back to be dealt with by our own.
And there she was, Anne Ravenwind. Not dead, but alive.... and emanating the evil she used to fight against. My mentor, apparently lost against that which she worked her whole life to destroy. She ordered her servants to detain me, and kill Dubois. I fought against them, but after my fight with Dubois before, we were both weakened. He was killed, I was left for dead. She didn't kill me. She could have. She probably should have, because now, I will have to kill her.
When I got back to Ft. Llast, I found Isabelle, badly wounded. She'd been tortured by Anne. She'll live, but the things that she's seen, I don't know if she will return to service or not. Only time will tell.
That night I had a dream... Toran came to me. It was as if things were clearer and yet, not clear at all anymore. Nothing is cut and dry, no black and white, only different shades of gray. I saw what that belief did to Anne, and David. But even knowing that, I know that in some ways, they were right. Some sacrifices will and must be made for the greater good. Will I be willing to make those sacrifices? For the greater good, yes. But I pray that Toran stay by me, and when the darkness starts to close in, that I still see the greater purpose, for His will, and no other. I pledged myself to Toran's priesthood, and his highest calling. If Toran sees fit for me to be Champion of his cause. So be it.
-
I keep having nightmares. Can it be that an initiate Champion of Toran was trained by someone now serving the will of Corath? Will I eventually fall the same as my mentor? She always walked a fine line. Why am I so different? Is it simply that her line was between good and evil, and I simply see that the good must be accomplished, preferably by the code, but by the will of Toran no matter what? They both told me that I didn't understand. David kept trying to convince me that I'm simply a spoiled child who knows nothing of the real world, of the hard decisions. He mocked me saying that I resided in an ivory tower and that I thought I was so high above everyone with my morals and values. But without our morals and values how are we any different from the Corathites? They are what define us, what set us apart, what keep us in the Light instead of dwelling in Darkness. They told me I have to get my hands dirty. I understand that, I'm more than willing to do that. But where is the line drawn between getting a bit dirty, and rolling in filth? I did so much to try to bring Anne back to us. To save her, to save my father... My father is alive, but Anne might as well be dead. There is a fine line to walk, there will be lives lost to serve the greater good, and not all will be able to be saved. But the faces of those that I fail will haunt me. I see them in my sleep. Even the woman that was sacrificed and then resurrected... all the faceless and nameless people that I know Anne has tortured or killed, the old man tortured by Dubois and his students... Those atrocities committed either falsely in the name of Toran or in the name of Corath, or in no name at all.
I let Chaynce stay with me. Having him near seems to keep some of the nightmares at bay to the point where at least I feel more rested, more at ease when he is near me. He respects my privacy, my modesty, and my needs, and perhaps one day he will let me know exactly what it is he needs or wants from me. In the meantime, it is good to have someone near that allows me to let my guard down. And in the night when the darkness comes creeping in, I feel that perhaps Toran has sent him to me. And in time, perhaps he will decide to take up where his father left off, and realize that speaking aloud devotion to a god is not a weakness, but a strength, and a powerful ally in times of crisis.
I only wish that Anne had never forgotten that. Perhaps one day I'll be able to remind her. Perhaps then her face will no longer be among those haunting my dreams.
-
I umm.....
I asked Chaynce to marry me.
I think he said yes?
-
My baby brother is stationed in Ft. Llast! They've made him a priest. I'm so proud of him! But while I'm thrilled to see him, I'm worried for him, and it seems all I can do now is prepare him for the battles to come in the upcoming war. I would've liked to see Samuel as well, but I'm sure they've assigned him somewhere. It will be good to finally get to know him a bit better. For most of his life I've only seen him in between trainings, and then on the scant visits I was able to make home in my brief periods of spare time, or while travelling to the Citadel. Apparently there is a lot I don't know about him. What a surprise though! I'm used to trading letters with him, but, when he said there would be a surprise, I wasn't expecting him in person. It will be good to have him at my side. My brother, and my ally, and hopefully, my friend.
-
I saw Chaynce's mother again while I was briefly at home in Leringard... she doesn't seem to be quite right in her mind. She wasn't making any sense when she spoke, and she didn't seem to finish any of her sentences. Then, before I headed to bed, she warded me as if I was going into battle. She mentioned something about Toranites being incapable of loving... I don't think that is true... maybe too busy?
Anyways, I told Chaynce to go see his mother. Hopefully he'll listen. Something is wrong with her, perhaps it can be fixed. Either way, with everything else that's been going on, my time with him has been few and farther between, but I'm sure we'll meet in the middle somewhere. He understands my duties. I love him, but the evil that is out there won't wait for me to have a life on the side. We'll get around to it eventually. There are just more important tasks at hand at the moment with the coming war and everything else... trying to help with my brother's training... everything.
Still no word from Samuel. Hopefully I'll hear from him soon.
Oh... and something strange happened... Tyra did something that I would actually expect from her... she threw a stardust of the vile Shadon on me without my permission. And then she lied about it. She told me it was Beryl, like that is a whole lot better... I warned her never to do something like that ever again, that her actions were an insult to me, as a slap in the face. She then came clean that it was of Shadon, and I warned her... very sternly in fact... that if she ever did such a thing again, our alliance would be finished. And... it actually seemed to get through her head. I'm quite shocked to tell the truth. Hopefully she'll understand that things have meaning. And to me, it is not simply a bag of dust. It is a piece of whatever god's constellation that it fell from, which is of very significant importance to me.
I saw her later in the inn after I'd finished some cooking and she seemed a bit distressed, so I offered her some of what I made and explained it to her a bit. Perhaps if she can leave some of her own foolishness aside she might actually grow up some day. As of yet though, I will have to see if she can manage to learn something. You have to learn to take orders before you can learn to give them. That is a lesson she has not been able to trully follow yet. But perhaps... just perhaps... there may be a light at the end of the tunnel for this one.
-
I recieved word last week that Samuel would also be answering the order from Ortheus, and then before I know it... both of my brothers are now here.
It's good to have them here, and I know that they will only make us stronger in the coming war.
It's strange sometimes looking at my not-so-baby brother these days and hearing the things that he says. He said something to me last week that has stuck with me.
I may simply be paraphrasing, but he said that those that are called, or those who simply go along have the choice to turn back. But those that are Chosen, there is no choice for them.
I wonder if he knows how right he is.
-
I feel myself every day being pulled deeper into Toran's service. With the coming war, I have been seeing to the training of some of our new paladins that have answered the call and have come to Ft. Llast to defend Mistone against whatever may befall us. I hear in my voice sometimes the words that were used towards me in my own training. "Keep your shield up Daniella" "Your sword is an extension of you, and therefore an extension of Toran himself" "Always feel the presence of Toran Daniellla" "Keep your senses open, Daniella, so that you will know what evil surrounds you" Except now it is me saying these things to others.
In the loss of my own mentor I find myself relying more and more on Toran alone as my mentor and guide. Which is as it should be. And yet, I still worry for her. Never in my wildest nightmares had I thought that one who I'd looked up to so much would end up my enemy.
And now as I step into the role that used to be hers... I strive to know what weakness caused her to turn against the Light of the All Watching, so that I may never make that mistake myself.
-
I told Samuel of my vows. It sounded so strange as I explained to him. Mostly because I do not feel myself different for having made further vows to Toran to serve Him and His Will above all else. To Champion His cause... it is simply the next step on the path that I set out on years ago. I just didn't know it when I took that first step. I'm not sure how to gauge my brother's response. Ava was there as well. She didn't say much. Samuel scolded me for not telling our parents. But how does one even begin to approach the subject? "Mother, Father, I saw Toran himself as he appeared to me in a dream. I have been called to answer to Him only, and fulfill the duties that He chooses for me..." It's not exactly light conversation, not even in our family. I see the Light of Toran clearly, and yet because I can see Him and His cause as such, I can see clearer still the darkness that surrounds us.
Samuel's recent actions towards me, his protectiveness, I had to address. I even asked Jacob for his support in reminding Samuel that his duty is first as Toran's paladin, as brother second. Jacob then reminded me that overprotectiveness must run in our family, hence why we have so many that enter the service of the Great Leader. When I mentioned this to Samuel, he simply stated that if I should fall, who would take my place? I told him that if I should fall, it will be his duty to continue on where I left off. He said that when that time comes he will take that responsibility, but until then he wished to delay it by keeping me standing. He still has a lot to learn, but I will help him get there.
He asked me where Anne was when I made my vows to Toran. I didn't have the heart to tell him where she is now and what she is doing. I simply reminded him of her execution. He said he'd heard rumors, but none had been confirmed for him until then. I told him that the one responsible for her death had been dealt with, but that I didn't want to speak about it anymore. He seemed to accept that. One day I'll tell him what happened to Anne. Perhaps if I feel he is ready I'll let him come with me when I go after her. Until then, it is best that he believes she is dead, and that she was no longer stone bound when she was killed. He needs to focus his energies on the coming war more than the nightmares of an older sister.
We have a clear and present threat to take care of at the moment. The other evils of this world will simply have to wait to be dealt with at this time. They can step in line. They will be taken care of.
-
I've been tested before... many times... but never was that test something that was fabricated. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about the test that Marl set up for us. As it was, we failed in some ways, and in others, I feel that we did what we felt was best, and therefore we succeeded. Quite honestly I think Marl felt the same way... perhaps I'll have to talk to him about it sometime.
My only fear is that, even though Marl told us all that there are no more tests, everything from now on is real... that there will always be that nagging feeling for the others that perhaps it actually is simply just a test. As it is right now, I still want to go and destroy the undead, even long after I've learned that it was not real. Those feelings that stir within me are so powerful. As it was then, the only reason I did not charge ahead to destroy it on sight was because I knew that I had to protect the rest of them. My job at current is to strengthen their skills in battle. They've done well against the undead we've fought. But how would they fare against Sharyn? They're not ready for that yet. We'll keep training.
And I'll keep patrolling on my own as well.
I spoke with both Ava and Jacob about their little romance. I can see it in the way they act towards each other... I know that look. But those feelings can be distracting to the point of putting the other's life in danger. They need to learn to push those feelings aside in battle. Having that sort of feeling towards another person... especially when dealing with some of the great evils that I have faced, and they will undoubtably face as well. It simply gives the enemy something else to work against us. I worry already that my feelings towards my own brothers could be a detriment to my own tactics, while trying to keep them safe. Too many times lately have I seen Samuel or Jacob in grave peril and had to rush to their aid, myself getting wounded in the process... but their lives were spared. But I'm not worried so much about my own wounds... moreso, would I be distracted from something else of more importance to Toran, in order to save my brothers? Or would I let them fall for the greater good? I know in my heart the answer, but that doesn't make it easier. Would they understand if they knew that the cause of Toran is first, even above them? Are they willing to make that same sacrifice? These are the things I wish that Jacob and Ava would realize before they started a relationship. They are so young... sometimes these feelings pass. Sometimes they are simply not meant to be. Ilsare's bow aims first at the young. Their hearts are not guarded as much. There is a reason Toran dislikes Ilsare. I don't blame Him in the least for His feelings. I know He is right.
-
Toran, once again I ask for your help and guidance.
I thought that you had sent Chaynce to me. Someone to care for me here in the world while I do your work. Maybe I was wrong. Is this my test? To choose you or him? You have never left me. Even as much as my heart aches right now... There is no choice for me. You chose me, and I will forever choose You.
I thought perhaps I could have both. I guess I was wrong. I don't know if he'd forgive me for calling him a spoiled child anyways.
Maybe it would actually be easier if You did sit down and have tea with him... but the thought is so silly and childish... and selfish.
Perhaps I'm weak... but even still, I know that I will always love him.
Toran, please lend me Your strength so that I may shield my heart. I know that in the battles to come I will need that more than ever.
-
I guess it's been a long time since I've written in here... not a whole lot of time I suppose. And after what happened at the prison... well... My heart still aches. None of them could be raised. They were all lost to us. I only hope that their souls... I don't know what happened to them.
I keep trying to find answers, and I keep getting no response. I'll continue to press the Shining Hand for information until I receive word back, but it's kept me occupied. I've felt my strength growing, as Toran has continued to fortify me against my enemies... but am I hurting the ones I love as I am pulled more and more along my path in my Calling?
Chaynce found me on one of my normal stops when I am on Mistone, clearing out some of the undead in Krandor. It's been a while since I've seen him... not since... well, everything went well and even though he looked fairly bad off at one point, he and I both made it out safely thanks to Toran's protection and blessings. At least Chaynce has learned strategic retreats now when he's hurt.
Though... perhaps he is starting to think he needs to strategically withdraw from me completely? We tried to patch things up a bit. I told him we could take things one day at a time... But the look in his eyes tonight as we parted... I never meant to cause him that much pain. My heart aches just in the memory of that look.
He's right though. He's never asked for anything. I asked him something years ago. He said yes. And now I cannot even follow through on that. I know that if he chose to leave me it would be completely right for him to do so. It's not fair to him, he didn't know what he was agreeing to. I know that I have always been up front with him about everything, Toran, my duty, my path, my life. I've never lied to him. I would never... and yet, I don't think he believes me when I tell him that I do love him. I do love him. More than any man I have ever known... and yet, I still cannot compare that love to the love of Toran. If Chaynce were to leave me, it would hurt me more than I care to know. My heart breaks to think that he should... for his own good. I don't want to live without him, without knowing that he is there, someone who cares about me, here, in this world, to fight beside me sword and shield and blood and sweat, and someone to care for, to love in return.
And yet, if he were to leave... I would survive. If Toran were to leave me... I don't think I could. And if I could... I wouldn't want to.
-
It's been weeks now. Aeronn is gone. My heart still hurts for his loss and the empty space that his death has created. Aside from Toran, Aeronn was my best friend, and my first mortal love. His loss left me feeling raw, and searching for the comfort that I needed. I found the solace and peace and reflection in Toran, in His temple. And I found the arms to hold and comfort me in Chaynce. I recieved a delivery at the house that I recently bought for my family. It was a letter from Aeronn along with a potted plant of yellow and blue roses. I've placed it beside a window in my bedroom. I'll do what I can to keep it alive as long as possible. You will be greatly missed in the world, Aeronn. You were one of the best of men, and the world has suffered for the loss of your heart in it.
The house that I bought is nearer to Ft. Llast than the Tyrian's Inn in Leringard, so our commute for services is not so long, and shortened even more with Victory. There are many changes that will need to be made to the house and I hope to see the renovations finished relatively soon. Jacob has proposed to Ava, and while I worry that they are too smitten with each other to still perform all their duties, I know that Toran is with both of them, and I will not stand in their way. Perhaps through them, the Stormhaven line and traditions will be carried down, and at least they will both be able to instill the beliefs and values of the faith along with the traditions of our homeland in their children to be passed down generations. I do not see myself ever having children, nor do I care to, so I am happy to give that task to someone else. My path is that of the sword, and it is no place to raise a child.
Chaynce has agreed to live with me at the house, that Jacob has apparently dubbed "Stormhaven Manor". To me it is just a house, whether you name it or not, it is a place for shelter. I hope that we someday will see it as an actual home, but I know how much time I spend abroad. I hope that Chaynce realizes now that he has a home, at least with me, and perhaps someday he'll realize he could have a home with Toran as well if he ever stopped being so blasted stubborn and give in to what I know is already in his heart. But I do love that man. In spite of everything that we've been through, I love him, and I do want him to be happy. At least I don't want to hurt him anymore.
I've also recently met and gotten to know a tiny bit better, Miss Sasha Tomyris, a follower of Rofirein, and a force to be reckoned with on the battlefield. It is good to see another woman of strength and faith, and while our gods are not perfectly aligned, she is a valued companion on the front of battle and I look forward to knowing her better. She seems to be in a strange sort of relationship with my friend Razeriem, and while I don't understand why a woman would wish to be intimate with a man only just over half her size, I am glad that Razeriem seems happy for the time being. I know he still longs for Anne, but I hope in time he'll grow past that longing. It would be safer for him. The task ahead in dealing with my former mentor will be dangerous to heart and soul along with body and mind, and I would wish that on no one, but I know that it is mine.
-
Chaynce and I have been together in one form or fashion for... how many years now? At least eight, maybe ten? Time has gone by so fast... How is it that I didn't realize he was in the state that he was in? That he could hide it from me so well... Now that he's living with me it all is so much more apparent. I have never needed much, have never had an abundance of things, or of wealth. And yet, everything I have needed has been provided for me in one form or fashion. My clothes are mended, I have food. I have a roof over my head, and even before now, I always had the temple to turn to. In his stubbornness and refusal to accept Toran... is that the only reason Chaynce has not had these things as well? Someone told me long ago, that by choosing to be with me, to love me, and to fight by my side, he was choosing in that moment to be with the All Watching. To love Him, and to fight by His side. I'm still not certain if Chaynce believes that or not, but perhaps in time. He is getting older as am I. Everyone has to grow up at some point in their life.
I saw the state of his things though, and decided to buy him some new clothes. I'm sure he probably will refuse to wear them on pricincple because he didn't buy them himself, or because of some other reason, but honestly, if he is going to walk around with holes in his clothes, someone needs to at least put him in something else so that those old rags can be mended. Clothing is just that. clothing. If it no longer clothes you, it is not worth keeping anymore. I must say that I think I spent more on shopping for him than I have ever spent on myself. But somehow I don't think that Chaynce would be willing to throw on a simple robe. He isn't me. I don't want him to be me, honestly. I would like to see him happy and comfortable though.
Lance came by the other day and we were able to sit and talk together. Something we haven't done in a very long time. We see each other, we fight alongside each other. But I can't even remember the last time the two of us had a quiet conversation... and one that didn't end in argument.
I feel that I am alone quite often, though. It seems that Toran is my only constant companion, and when I talk to Him, I never feel lonely. Even though my conversations may seem one sided, I feel He listens, and I feel the answers in my heart. "The path of a Champion is lonely" someone said. Perhaps it is. But it's not as lonely as long as I remember I am never truly alone.
-
I think I may have dislocated my left shoulder a few too many times. It heals alright each time, but perhaps I've fought too many giants and kept them at bay with my shield. It gets sore faster and I've had to ask the temple a few times for a sort of balm they have that seems to seep through to take away the ache at the end of the day. It's helping. It does pop a bit when I rotate it, but the strength is still there. I think I'll start working on a different way of holding my shield perhaps. I've been using it more in an offensive manner lately anyways. I found out that if I use it as an offensive tactic, I can actually knock my enemies down, and, in that manner perhaps I'm helping the shoulder there too, since they are less likely to be striking at me at that time. I'll keep working on the technique until I feel it is perfected, but I do worry that perhaps this is an injury that will just keep coming back. I don't think a lighter shield will help, that would only increase the possibility of a more devastating blow coming through. I'm sure it will be fine though. I don't think Toran is through with me yet. I hope not anyways. And if He still has plans for me, I'm positive the shoulder will hold until my work is done.
However, I think I will ask one of the healers at the temple, or even Jacob to take a look at it and see if there is anything they can do. They are more skilled at those things than I am.
-
My baby brother is a father. Which means I am an aunt. They've named the child Alec after Ava's brother that died in service. The child is so small... it seems perfect and healthy, but very small and helpless. I found Ava in pain and screaming in labor... Jacob wasn't home. On the battlefield I know what to do, I know how to fix the problem, take out the enemy... but not in this case. I would rather face the world's greatest evil than have to go through what she went through. And yet, afterwards she seemed so contented, so peaceful. Exhausted, yes, but happy. Jacob as well... they both seemed to want to sleep. When Chaynce got home he seemed fairly easy about it. Of course, he missed the labor. But he had no problems in holding the baby or anything, and started talking about the children he and I could have together some day. And he started talking about the wedding we were supposed to have. The topic has been silent for so long I thought perhaps he didn't mind anymore. I don't have time to plan a wedding. Our life together is fine the way it is. I know there was a time when I wanted nothing more than to have him as my husband, but I know there are many more things that are so much more important than a wedding. Our relationship is good the way it is. It would be better if he didn't fight against me as much as he does, but I do think he means well when he does. It doesn't make sense, but perhaps to him it does. We've never had any indication that we would have children in the past. Perhaps my injuries from my battles have made it so that I can't even bear children. I'm not as young as I used to be. It's probably best that way. A child would simply be in danger if it was my own. What kind of mother would I be anyway? I can't give up my calling to raise children...
But the hurt that I saw growing in Chaynce's eyes... He's never said he wanted children before. His mother is half elf. Can he even have children?
Oh, Great Leader, please lend me your wisdom to choose the right course of action. I wish to do your work above all else. But can I do that without hurting the ones I love?
-
Chaynce has taken to travelling a lot again, and I simply keep trying to do my job. I finally received correspondence from Gilbert Gallant, only for him to once again attempt to belittle me and politely tell me to keep out of his business. After learning of what some of those in his Gauntlet have done, though, there is simply something that does not feel right to me. Once again he has told me to meet with one of his assistants. This will not go away, and I will not accept false flattery and excuses of personal conflict or interests to keep me away and they can continue with things as they are. Torture is not acceptable by any means, and if there is someone or something that is systematically hunting that order, be it Anne or anyone else, obviously their history has shown that they are incapable of dealing with it on their own, whether that Guantlet wants to believe so himself, there is only so far that pride goes before it is overtaken by arrogance. I will meet with him face to face, and if he will not provide the time and place, I will find him. One way or another.
-
I almost lost him. He knows now that I can't marry him while I am in the service of Toran. And as I lay here next to him and listen to the soft sounds of him sleeping beside me, I only know more that Toran answered my prayers. I asked Him to let him stay, and somehow He guided him back to me, almost as soon as I asked Him. I am overwhelmed.
I know that Chaynce is still angry at Toran, but I hope that in time he'll realize that it was Toran that brought us together. And it was Toran that kept us from being torn apart. I was shaken, but He never left me. Chaynce was angry at him, and yet, Toran understood his anger, and kept him here with me.
Toran, thank you for seeing to our needs. I will continue to do Your work as long as I am able, and as long as you see fit to have me as Your Chosen. Thank you for reminding me so that I will try not to harbor such selfishness again, and that hiding the truth is sometimes as bad or worse than a lie. I know that You see to all that I need. I am ever grateful.
-
It's amazing... I feel alive again. I didn't realize there had been something wrong or missing... but I feel that Toran has renewed in me something that I had lost when I lost Anne. A piece of me that was missing. Like I had forgotten who I was. I am a servant of Toran, but I am still me. And Toran has seen to my wants and my needs, and I feel all the more ready and willing to do His will.
And for the first time in a long time... I'm at peace.
And I am ready and willing to stand and fight with my brothers and sisters on the battlefield to answer the call of the Heart of Toran. The battle is coming. We will prevail.
-
Razeriem is jealous of me. Why? Because a Corathite monk came and attacked me with an intent to kill me with the element of suprise. Why would someone be jealous of this? Because of who sent the monk. I recognized the fighting style. The same weapons, the same lightning fast techniques... Anne sent him. I don't think Razeriem quite understands. I think he thinks that she sent her minion out as if she was sending a bouquet of flowers or something. Anne doesn't work that way. Yes, it was a message. But it was a message to me, and it was a message to herself. He's angry because he feels forgotten. Well, it's probably better for him if he is forgotten. For now at least it means he is safe and alive and well. I know he wants me to tell him where Anne is, but the fact is, I don't know that the Shining Hand doesn't already have people keeping tabs on him, and if he were to go straight off to her, he could easily lead them all right to her as well. And with their past actions, I'm not ready for them to have the first go at her. Not until I speak with Gallant and figure out exactly what his intents are. So far, I am so displeased with the actions of some of the members of his Guantlet, I want him to stand in front of me and explain them to my face. And yet, he is a coward, and he will not face me. He sends his student, Isabelle around to do his work constantly, and I already know what it is that she's done. She should have stayed with her decision to leave the Order of the Shining Hand and remain with the Order of the Longsword. The decisions there are hard, but they are not the decisions of a Beacon. But that is why they are called Beacons. Because they are to be the Shining Light of Toran in the darkest places of this world. Because they are supposed to make the hard decisions, but they are supposed to make the RIGHT decisions. And the decisions that each person makes, and those of their students, proteges, and underlings will weigh on those that have ordered the actions. I know that when Quantum Windward was still the interim Hand of the Shining Hand, Gallant had a desire to unseat him, and failing that, to discredit him, and put himself in that place. Thankfully that never happened. But I grew up being taught that Quantum was corrupt. When I finally met him in person. Spoke with him... I knew then that the teachings I'd had for so long were false. It was then that my suspcions grew about the Gallant Gauntlet. When Dubois came along and continuously tried to avert me from doing what I knew in my soul was right, trying to take me off of missions, and putting my own father in danger to keep me away.... and then the evil I could sense from Dubois... and now I know that even though his end was not just... it was at least an end to the corruption in the ranks of the church of the one I love more than anything.
Now, Isabelle... I don't even know if she has it in her to make the correct decisions. First her passes at my father, a MARRIED and supposed-to-be retired paladin, who yes, has a shining record within our church, but still... he is married. Her judgement was impaired in that, but then with her confessing her involvement in the torture of a man who was suspected of being in league with Corath... and never confirmed. They burned that man's house with him inside. Those are not the actions of one who knows how to fight in the name of the Hand of Virtue. There was nothing of virtue in those decisions. I worry for her, and I hope that it is not too late for her. The decisions she has to make now, and will make in the future could cost her her very soul should she make the wrong ones.
I watched for years the decisions that Anne was faced to make in her position. The decisions between saving one life or saving many. The simple good, or the greater good. For so many years those decisions weighed on her, but she always took the higher path. Then, as I got older, they took more and more of a toll on her. Other things that she left unsaid. The fact that she was alone so much. I understand being alone. Until recently I felt very alone, with only Toran to rely on. But Anne was misunderstood by so many people. She confided in me once, about what happened to her to lose her knighthood, for her relationship with an Aeridinite. What the actual relation was, I'm not sure. But I wonder sometimes by the way that she spoke of it, if she has a child... now an adult, out there somewhere... Anne was hard in her training. Relentless. But at least during my time before my own commission, she was always kind, especially in private when it was alright to let her guard down.
I understand that all the more now as well. The weight of Toran is not an easy burden to bear, but it is one that I bear willingly, and am honored to do so. At one time, I think she felt the same. There are so many that don't understand Toran's ways. Some feel that we simply wish to go to war for the sake of war. Some think that our insistance on our code, our values, our honor, and our virtue and resilience to evil makes us stuffy, or that we look down on others, as if they were lesser than us. I know this is how some people think, but I also know that what we who follow the Hand of Virtue do in His name is not something that everyone will ever understand. If they did, we would not have to be in a constant state of warfare with evil itself. Countries go to war with other countries, and groups bent on their own agendas. Guilds battle each other for business. It's not that way in the service to the All Watching. Every single day is a struggle to do what is right. Yes, we all have bad days. But it's how we deal with them. Never to fall to anger and hatred. Never to sit idly by while someone is being harmed. Those that have gone before me in this path I hold in the highest respect because I know that it is something that is never simple. It will always be complicated. Who to save? The young child who stands before you, or the thousands that will be killed if the one lives. Is it right to let that one die to save the thousands? No. And each loss such as that will haunt me till the end of my days. But when weighed against the odds it is the GREATER good of all that matters. It is up to the individuals of this world to step up and save the individual good. The daily activities, the goodness of every minute. I can only live and lead by example. And even with Toran on my side, I am still only one person.
The monk came upon Razeriem and me when we were talking in the Goblin Wastelands, not too far from the caves. The evil in that area, she would have known, would have cloaked my senses from an oncoming attacker with intent to harm. She planned this. I was injured quickly as I was not prepared for battle, and I turned to fight my attacker anyways. But as soon as the element of surprise was lost, he ran off. I controlled my bleeding and healed myself, and prepared, and then sought him out with all of Toran's blessings on my side. I found him. And I killed him. But even though I could feel the evil flowing within him, he didn't fight back as he did when he attacked me. Some may have said that I should have only subdued him, brought him in for justice by the authorities. But the Rofireinites would be too slow, and with the way that monk moved, he would have easily killed more people just with his bare hands. No, for the greater good, he was slain, and I feel no remorse over the loss of one such as that. That's what I do.
Razeriem doesn't understand. When I was younger, when I trained with Anne, she would set tests for me. Things that she thought that I could handle, but were just outside of my abilities. In those days, she would be nearby to step in if things got out of my control. To turn the shade, or to step in and make the final blow that I was not yet strong enough to do myself. It was a test for me, to know my strengths and weaknesses, and it was her way of knowing what I was ready for. But she was always nearby.
One of Anne's greatest strengths was knowing when the battle was won, and when it was time to withdraw, regroup, and try again. And in those tests she set to me, it was that if I failed that day, she would try again after I'd recovered, and trained more, and prayed for the strength that I did not have yet, but would need to accomplish my task. And she would heal me, support me, and never coddle me or let me back down. She never let me give up. Why should I let her give up now? To turn to the darkness that lets her stop having to struggle with the difficult decisions? To turn to chaos and evil is the easy way out. My heart hurts, not only because of her decision to leave us, but because in the foul decision of the Beacon of the Shining Hand, and the others that tried her without defense that day, she gave up. And for that, I have such deep disappointment in her that it makes my very soul ache.
But the attack tells me something else. She must have been close. Anne was watching nearby. I don't know where, but she was there. That's why only one. That's why he didn't fight back. She stepped in and delivered the final blow. She controlled the situation. Just as she always did. She is still testing me, even from her fallen status. She wants something from me. She still feels after all this that she is training me, even from the clutches of Corath? Fine. Let her send her tests my way. When she is ready to face me, I will have a test for her. If she passes, she can come back with me, for her pennance, her forgiveness, and her restoration in Toran's Light.
If she fails, then let Toran's Holy Wrath teach her her final lesson.
-
Toran grant me the strength and wisdom I need to knock some sense into the child of my Brother in Faith. Argos is falling down the same path of his father. The same path that I myself was once tempted. Though when I shared the wisdom passed down to me with him, he did not hear a word. That child is the most selfish, self centered, arrogant.... I will not burden your ears with the expletives needed to express my feelings of that boy right now, Great Leader. Please guide my heart.
And as for his father... Please enlighten your paladin, Lance, to your will. Be it by your gentle whisper, or by your forceful hand. He needs it.
-
It seems that I have entered yet another phase of life and service. After the battle of Hurix, I saw that sometimes you have to make people work together by sheer force of leadership and example. Though it is hard to ever make Lucindites and others like them see that there is a greater good, and that there are people that deserve to be protected, not just that precious Al'noth of theirs... we were able to see it through to the end. In my search for patience, I see that I am continually tested in that area. Sometimes, there are only so many and certain kinds of people that are available, and yet the task still must be accomplished. Though I admit my heart soared when I saw the banners of Toran and Vorax on the horizon.
I recently had to revisit the foes of the Green Dragon Cult though. An old man near Hlint had said that his cart had been stolen by Dragonstealers. The guard there wasn't taking him seriously, but every report should always be taken seriously, especially when given the nature of the report. No one should ever be turned away when asking for assistance. The guard felt shamed afterwards, and I impressed upon him the importance of taking his job seriously. Hlint sent out a patrol of six to ensure the safety of the man's family, and I rode out to Ft. Llast to gather a force to go after those that he had described as members of the Cult. When we got there, we were able to capture a few. Some inexperienced adventurers had thought to go after them themselves, and one of them was killed. I have thanked Toran every day that we were able to get there before more people were killed. We brought five back with us for questioning. Two tried to escape, but I have seen what those of the cult are capable of. I am not willing to take the chance of their escape, or that they would kill one of my men or women in service. They were killed. We still have three and they are undergoing questioning.
Toran willing, we will see some answers, and we will see an end to this war.
-
Something has happened to me. For a while now I seem to be feeling the need to keep my temper at bay, to keep back the anger at the injustices that are done all around me. It makes my blood boil, and yet, I keep it below the surface... mostly. Before I felt as if I really was just letting off steam in little spurts to keep the pressure down. But recently, when fighting I feel as if Toran Himself has sent his own anger at evil down to blend with my own. It gives me more strength and drive in battle, even when I am feeling exhausted, I feel like I can only see one end, one goal, and that is to smite the enemy and rid the world of the servants of evil as Toran has chosen me to do. I used to try to keep it at bay, but once I experienced how it feels to embrace it... I feel as if that rage is constantly there, just under the surface.
I got in an argument with Lance again. It's been years since we've argued like that. Perhaps it was simply over due. I hate fighting with him, but I worry that he takes his position for granted. He states that Toran has not withdrawn his blessings from him, so therefore the things that he does must not be wrong in His eyes. But perhaps Toran has simply been lenient with him because he loves his paladins so. I worry for him. I do not want to see him fall. His woman, Iellwen, has left him. I never liked her much. She never showed respect for my beliefs, nor Lance's. Marl told Lance years and years ago that Iellwen would prove to be Lance's greatest test of faith. I do believe that to be true. But that test is not to make exceptions to the way Toran feels towards people. It is not to choose to believe that Toran is wrong in his judgement to serve our own needs. It is not our place to question Him in any capacity. He has His reasons for the way He feels towards other gods. I know that there are good people that follow gods that Toran is not friendly with. However, the aspects in those peoples' lives that do not mesh are significant. If an Aragenite sees that the world around him is falling into chaos and innocent lives are being taken, and he or she chooses to simply write down the information in a book rather than to take up a stand and help someone, are they any less guilty for being a bystander? If a man stands by and watches another man rape a woman, and does nothing to help her, is he not as guilty as the man performing the act? In this world, we can not afford to be bystanders. In our faith, in our line of duty, we cannot simply choose to be passive. Lance's argument to me is that his path is not mine, and that I must make those decisions that he cannot. While that may be true, I refuse to let him get off that easily. I have great respect for that man, my brother in arms and faith, and I see great things in store for him on the path that Toran sets out for him. I'm not setting that path for him. That's not my place. But he is fighting his path. He has lost respect for what it means to be a paladin. He calls himself a knight. Any man or woman can be a knight. They don't need the backing of a god to be such. It takes great strength of character and the backing of Toran, the All Watching, the Hand of Virtue....to be a paladin. And that is an honor that I hate seeing him lose respect and confidence for. To have the grace and blessings of Toran is the greatest honor I have ever had in my life. I hope Lance never loses sight of that. I worry for him.
Toran, give me the strength and courage to have patience with my brother, and please help him realize the honor it is to serve You as You have chosen for us to serve.
-
I met with Master Michaelis again. It's been years since the last time I've spoken with him like that. His gaze was intense. I worry for him. He mentioned a few times, when Lance was there as well, that I was the future of the church, that both of us were. I cannot fathom a church without Michaelis, but he's gotten old, and despite him saying that he's fine, he looks tired. Lance and I spoke to him about the current events, the recent battles, and the efforts and advances since then. He's asked that Lance and I be involved in the rebuilding effort, and I have told him that I have already, but will continue to do so. Which reminds me. I have a letter or four to write...
-
Chaynce has returned home again, this time intent on building a chicken coop for a new halfling... I suppose friend? that he has found... though sometimes I think he treats him more like a pet. Other than this young halfling's poor choice in gods, even if it is fairly typical for a halfling... Chaynce seems happier than I've seen him in a long time. And having the halfling around almost feels like a strange reminder to me that Chaynce and I have never had children. It's something that I've always thought of as a blessing before, somehow that my inability to conceive children with Chaynce has kept it from interfering in my work. But since he had mentioned his wish for children when Alec was born, it got me to thinking. I've told him that I would consider adoption, or at least that we can look into it. I still worry for the dangers that I would be bringing a child into if I were to take one as my own. It's something that Chaynce and I will have to consider. On the risks... and whether or not they outweigh the benefits.
He has gone off again with Alton, and in his absence, Clarissa has returned. Even though I've heard stories of her, we'd never met before now. There is an odd sort of... relief? in spending time with her. Things that I have felt and said before that have been disregarded, or argued against, somehow she understands. Up until now no one other than Michaelis has understood those feelings. I feel even more sure of my gut feeling now.
I think the time to act may be soon.
With the war against the dragonstealers still underway and the current war, I'm reluctant to do anything that would harm our chances of victory against this cult. However, sometimes I wonder if my inaction may be more dangerous than the action.
It's something to consider.
Toran give me the wisdom to know the right thing to do. And give me the strength and courage to act upon Your will as you place the feelings in my heart.
-
I had a lead... I followed it. I pursued it. I am pursuing it. It's risky, I know that. But some risks must be taken in order to get what you need... right?
Toran please let me have a few days without nightmares.
please.
-
The same thing, in variations. Almost every night.
I see her standing in her blackened armor, a whip now where her flaming sword once was. The sword that would battle against the creations I fear she is now creating and controlling. I see her taking the girl back with them, and I hear the girl's screams echoing against the stone floor and walls.
And I see a look of madness in her eyes. A look of one controlled. As if she isn't doing this of her own accord. Eyes that scream out for help. And then flash again with the madness of the evil and hatred.
She never speaks to me. And yet it's as if she sends messages directly to my heart.
The horrible things she has done I don't even want to imagine, and yet can she possible in some twisted way still believe she is doing any good at all?
And in my dream there is always an ending. The ending is not always the same, but in the end there is always one thing that remains constant. I kill her. Each time. The evil overcomes her and I fail. I fail, and I have to watch her blood spill as I run my sword through her.
But this time was worse.
I killed her again. But I laid her down gently and she looked into my eyes and whispered almost as if in death, "I did this for you."
After I have killed her so many times in my dreams, what I hope not to have to do... will I have the strength to do my duty if I should fail in bringing her back?
Toran please give me strength and courage. Please let your light shine through me and even into the darkest of places, and hearts of your people. Please let that light magnify in her heart, and remind her of who she once was, who she once loved.
-
Well, it is done... or started in any case. Clarissa and I spoke with the Heart of Toran. We told him mostly everything and our concerns, and he now knows of our concerns of the disease that may be within the faith of our ranks.
Some short time after that, Lance, Chaynce, Iellwen and I were attacked by powerful undead and a summoned evil creature in the silkwood forest.
Toran, I know that none of us are safe from the temptations of evil and corruption. But because it amongst our own, I feel as if I can trust no one but You. I don't like suspecting evil at every turn. And please... please don't let the Heart be part of this. Please let him still be pure and faithful to You.
-
*the paper is smudged with what looks like a dark brown color, as if dried blood was rubbed across the page accidentally as she wrote. The handwriting is a bit shakey*
My own home isn't safe. Anne's assassins have found me there. I normally check as I enter, but my guard was down because I was in a hurry, and I paid for it.
Toran help me, I feel like I can trust no one. I find myself seeking evil in the hearts of even my friends. I close my eyes and I see things both real and imaginary. I know that my body is exhausted, but my heart is tired from the things I know I must do still ahead of me.
I've sent two guards to my home to warn those that live with me of the possible danger to them as well, and I've asked two more to stand with me as I rest here at the temple. I hope their presence will help me relax.
My own home was breached. My own faith may be breached. I trust only in You, Toran. You are the One that has never faltered. Please help me to live up to Your standards. Strengthen me, heart, body and soul, against what it is that You wish for me to do for You.
-
After a little rest I've thought about it. There is no way Chaynce and I can adopt a child. It's too dangerous. I'd always feared it would be, but now I know. If I'd had a child yesterday... Why would I bring an innocent into that when they have no say? No, it is best that I have no children. I know Chaynce will be disappointed. I hope he'll understand.
-
I feel bad that Jillian has had to learn this lesson so early. But then, perhaps even though I've known this for a long time, maybe I am only now really truly understanding it. Evil is everywhere, anywhere, and any time. We can never truly let our guard down, because that is what evil waits for. We must remain steadfast as the All Watching Himself. We must be always prepared and be ready at all times to defend ourselves or others. We do this so that others can live their lives without having to fear the evils that we face. So that they can live peacefully, and feel safer because we are out here doing what we do.
I simply continue to hope that those people we protect will in turn, if it is within their power to do so, help to protect those weaker than themselves, and do the right thing. If we start by example, maybe, just maybe the effects will trickle down. That people will learn from example that evil does not pay, and that kind acts do help the greater good of us all.
But then I see the effects of what evil can do. So much terror, destruction and chaos in such a small amount of time, with wide spread results... And I know that I have to fight just that much harder to combat it. I know that my job will not be finished until I have fought my final battle and I am with Toran in the afterlife.
Toran, be with the people. Guide their hearts with Your light, so that they may learn to protect each other, to guard against the little evils that we battle each day. So that they will not regard these small problems with indifference, but instead raise up to fight against them. To stop injustices by being aware, and taking an active stance against evil in all forms. To raise up those weaker than themselves, and empower them with the knowledge that they too can fight for what is right and good in this world, even if it is simply to help someone that has dropped their packages on the way home from the market.
And please, help me to not lose faith in the people. Show me that they do still care about what is good in this world, and what I try so hard to work for, in Your name.
-
I walked in my home tonight after a long journey, and what did I step in as soon as I crossed the threshold? Chicken... poo. Either Chaynce is going to have to train his halfling better, or discipline him... or... I don't know! I feed Alton, (Chaynce thinks I don't know, but my pies disappear a lot faster now that he's here) I offered him shelter in spite of our differences of faith, and I've tolerated Chaynce and Alton starting their own small chicken farm in the back yard with Alton staying back there. And how does he repay me? By dumping feces inside my front door! It took me an hour to clean up that mess. I went back to the yard to see if he was there but I couldn't find him anywhere. Probably hiding. It's fine. I'll tell Chaynce to deal with it. That was much worse than Chaynce dumping rocks in Lance's bed. And so unsanitary...
-
It's amazing how much can happen in what seems so short a time. It seems that I haven't even written in here. Jillian has been accepted into the Order of the Shining Hand. I'm so proud of her I can't even describe. And yet there is a feeling of nostalgia. I remember a time when I was not much younger than her when I myself had thought I would enter the Order. And yet, it seems that Toran has a place for all of us, a path, and a mission. I look to my past and I see the Beacon Anne Ravenwind: My teacher, mentor, guide, and friend. I see her lost and confused now and in need of either a path back to the All Watching or if necessary, a way to end her service to Corath in a more final way. I need to accept that as a very real possibility. She may never come back.
But then I look to the future in the Beacon Jillian Stuart. My student, hope, protege... and what seems to be mind reader at times as she states things that I myself am about to say, and yet, she comes through with them even before the sound crosses my lips. She has learned her lessons well, but there is a lightness to her that I don't know that I ever really had. At times perhaps she is slightly inappropriate, but maybe that's simply a generational thing. Perhaps I really am getting older. But as I look forward into my fourties, I don't feel old. I feel Toran with me, and I believe that in Jillian I am able to see where I once could have been, and while that service would have been glorious in Toran's name, I know that the path He has chosen for me is no less important, no less special. For not one of us can live the life or mission or can walk the path of another in service of Virtue.
-
After speaking with the Auscultare, Daniella walks down the steps into the Atrium to find her companions waiting for her. The color is drained from her face, and she appears deeply troubled and shakey.
"Miss Daniella.. are you ok?" Beacon Jillian Stuart asks.
"Are you ill?" Protector Daniel Poetr inquires.
Daniell nods slowly. "Yes, Jillian. No, Daniel."
Ortheus watches Daniella pass by him, a grave look on his face.
Richard Watchman questions her, "Champion Stormhaven, are things in position to be resolved?"
Daniella nods. "Yes, Richard. As you heard decreed, it will be done, and is right."
"Splendid," Richard remarks.
Jillian and Daniel both wait patiently to hear of what the Auscultare said to Daniella in their private conversation.
Daniella looks at Daniel for a moment as if searching for something within him. Daniel frowns slightly for a moment, then asks. "There is to be no trial or hearing for Anne?"
Daniella closes her eyes and nods slowly. "There has been a trial. She is guilty. She will be dealt with."
Daniel continues, "So you will play the part of her jailer or executioner?"
"It is not necessary, Daniel," Daniella replies. "It has been decreed, and it will be done."
Daniel regards her gravely, "That is no answer. Vengeance is the antithesis of true justice. Are you Anne's executioner or do you wish to bring her to the light, Lady Daniella?"
"She has chosen her path. I have no further role in her fate," Daniella says simply, with finality.
"Again you evade me." Daniel begins to look irritated. "Tell me this, then. This Decree: it is a sentence is it not?"
Daniella looks very grave and deeply troubled as she endures the Rofireinites questions. "Yes, Daniel. The decree is a sentence. Her trial has already taken place. She chose corruption and evil over the Light of Toran. I have no further defense for her."
Daniel narrows his lips. "I do not hold to intents, but to actions. I will support you as my own tenets allow, Lady Daniella, but no further."
"She has committed crimes against your own laws, Daniel," Daniella says quietly. "I'm certain that even you would judge her accordingly to her actions, Protector."
Overhearing the Rofireinite raising his voice to Daniella, Ortheus approaches. "Daniel is it?"
Daniel nods to Ortheus. "Yes sir."
Ortheus says sternly, "You would do well to lower your voice Sir..your ways are not our ways."
Still a bit shakey, Daniella shakes her head, "No... it's alright, sir. It will be resolved."
"A point I wished to remind the good Lady Daniella of, nothing more, Sir," Daniel states to Ortheus. "I am finished, but watchful."
Ortheus glances at Daniella and then relaxes a touch and nods. "Anything you need, Lady." He withdraws after giving Daniel a warning glance.
Daniella glances gratefully at Ortheus and then turns back to the others.
"I apologize if I sound overly harsh, Lady Daniella," Daniel offers. "That was not my intent. I have pledged my strength to yours for this task. I honor my pledges."
"I know Daniel. Please believe me when I say that the decree is the correct action. The sentence is just and apt."
The wizard speaks, "Friends have differances of views. It is encouraged. Its through outside observation that we often find the most important details of ourselves."
"I thank you all for coming and supporting me here today." Daniella says softly. "You are free to stay or go as you please. May Toran's light and guidance be with us all."
"We did no more than bear testiment to the event, Champion Stormhaven," Richard says kindly.
Daniel smiles at Richard. "Quite. Now friends, I believe we have some traveling to do."
The group makes their farewells to each other, promising to meet in a few days time near the outskirts of the Silkwood forest to investigate yet another infestation of unnaturally large spiders, and all depart except for Daniella, who returns to the altar set still and quiet in the chapel.
Daniella stands for a moment before the altar, then falls to her knees, sinking all the way to the floor and laying her head on the stones, arms straight out before her with palms facing upward. Soft sounds of prayers can be heard whispered as she stays that way for some time, asking for guidance from the one she holds in the highest regard above all else.
Finally, Daniella pushes herself back up and sits on her heels and looks once again at the Golden Ankh before her. She takes a deep breath, then bows her head once more in reverence.
"Your Will be done."
-
Daniella kneels alone in the chapel in Ft Llast, meditating quietly, her facial expression is deeply troubled, and she looks tired as if from lack of good sleep.
As the rain falls, the knight clad in blue and gold enters the place, he removes his cloak, cleans off his boots, and respectfully walks and kneels beside her, to say a small prayer.
Daniella looks up from her own thoughts, her eyes searching his, and then embraces him tightly.
Lance is taken off guard, but returns the hug, obviously knowing that she would not do that unless it was really needed. After some moments he start to gently pat her back, comforting, and whispers. "What is it Miss. ? What happened?"
After a moment she releases him and looks at him again.
"Lance, brother... Toran be with you." she says very quietly. "May Toran always be with you."
He smiles a bit as that. "And with you Miss, has has been all this years to see us succeed on our tests.
Is ... everything alright?" he asks with calm expresion and a serene smile.
She bows her head, but does not say anything to the affirmative or contrary.
He looks at her with a concerned look , but gives her some moments.
"I have been given a task, brother."
Lance nods. "It is a blessing to serve, Miss , that is why you were summoned?"
"I cannot speak of what it is, but I must tell you that it's completion has a resounding affect on the foundations of our faith," she speaks just above a whisper.
He arches an eyebrow. "To the point that is a secret to everyone in the church? That bad? "
" I have sworn an oath, brother. I will not break it."
"I know that," he says. " And that is why it troubles to see you as that. I am just measuring the magnitude of it," he whispers incredulously to himself.
"What is not secret, I can tell you, is that Anne Ravenwind has been decreed by myself and by the Auscultare to be an enemy of the church. She will be apprehended, and she will be dealt with. She has been judged and the judgment will stand." She seems at peace with the decision and speaks with finality and authority.
Lance nods in understanding. His eyes look at her with some concern as she understands in a way the feelings of a woman. "So the day has come."
Daniella looks at him. "I will play no further role in Anne's fate, it will be dealt with and done as is right."
Lance looks at her with a serene expression. "As His will commands. I wonder though. And I worry about the nature of this mission, when Anne is mentioned . I know you can't tell me, but does not help to make me wonder."
"Anne is no longer my concern," Daniella says quietly. She stands quietly and walks over to the altar, touching the ankh there gently and lovingly with reverence. "I need your aid, Lance."
Lance nods. "What do you require of me, Daniella? You know you have my blade, but even more important you have my spirit, heart and determination."
"I need you to make sure that everything you say, everything you do is an example to all who follow you, is an example of Toran's will above all else. This I ask from all of us at this time. She does not speak with accusation, merely with a quiet and reserved weight of importance on her request.
He blinks. "Miss. I live my faith with passion. I do what my faith dictates. I don't see how that is different to the things i do. But i understand the request you are asking me."
She nods slowly, still looking at the ankh. "I know, brother. Toran's ways are not always easy to follow, not even for his own followers. Life events corrupt people, they lose their way."
He nods. "And its by his power and caring hand that we are able to save those who we could, and slay those who pose a threat," he adds with a gentle tone at the end of her sentence. "When do you have to ... depart for this mission ?
She looks back at him. "I am not departing."
"So you are already on this mission ?"
Daniella nods.
He twists his mouth as if not making sense , but then nods. "So. Back to Anne... Are some actions being done , or are we exercising a passive search?"
Daniella looks at him, as if waiting for a moment. "The Shining Hand, I believe, has been organized, and is launching an assault. They will deal with her threat. Gilbert Gallant now has as an advisor, Revered Knight DeLourney, and I have faith that together, they will accomplish what needs to be done with finality."
"The Shining hand directly?" he looks at her in surprise.
"The Shining Hand is here to serve the Will of Toran, Lance. They are doing His bidding."
"I know that, but these threats usually fall in the Order of Longsword area of expertise. I am not doubting the skill of my brothers. It just seems out of the ordinary. My prayers goes to them and their success at any rate." He frowns a bit in concern.
"I have faith that if they require aid of the Longsword, they will ask for it. The Shining Hand is specialized. They know what they are doing."
"I know. I know. I heard that Isabelle Stridewith was summoned as well."
She nods. "Yes."
"Is she helping the Gauntlet on this again? Or has she been promoted to another wing of the church?"
"She has been demoted effective immediately, and she has been apprehended for questioning." She speaks plainly and without emotion on the situation.
Lance blinks. "What?"
Daniella looks at him, but does not repeat her words.
"Questioning? Did she comited blasphemy? Oh my..." He shakes his head in disbelief.
"She has not been convicted, Lance. She is being questioned, and if necessary, she will be tried," Daniella clarifies.
"As its only fair..." Lance nods. "That girl needs guidance."
Daniella nods. "Sometimes we all need guidance, but it's our choices in the end what matter. No one can make those choices for her."
"Indeed," he agrees. "Its easier to blame the gods for our own actions, but it all resides in us. And its in us where the responsibility lays."
She takes a deep breath and looks at the floor, her head bowed once more. Lance looks at her with concern and walks over to put his hand on her shoulder, to which Daniella lays her own hand on his without a word, seemingly grateful for the small amount of comfort and friendliness. "Daniella, you'll do it great , you are blessed by his hand , and if He called you is cause you are the right one to do it. I know there is no doubt in your resolution. You would never allow that to happen. Yet... words have power.
And listening to them is never a bad thing. I don't know the weight of the burden you are carry , but not being able to share it, must be consuming. Just do what you need to do . Its the divine will and there is nothing we can do but to follow it."
He smiles at her. "All will be brighter at the end of the day."
Daniella takes another deep breath and looks him in the eyes, her expression resolved. "I have given my word, and pledged my Service to the Hand of Virtue in all things. What he has asked of me is no different. As I have pledged, I am His. I simply ask for your support in this endeavor. I do not know how it will play out."
Lance smiles at her playfully, mostly to ease the tension. "I am not trying to pick an argument Daniella. Not this time..."
She smiles gratefully and hugs him again, tightly. "Thank you, brother."
He returns the hug and whispers. "Still if you need someone a bit less godly to speak, you know how to reach me. Or there is Chaynce as well..."
She pulls away and frowns. "I'm not certain Chaynce will be of much help here, Lance, though it pains me to say it."
He nods. "I understand perfectly what you say. Well Then there is Jillian."
"Jillian makes me proud daily." She nods in agreement
He blinks as if realizing something. "Is she going with the Shining Hand to deal with Anne?" He averts his eyes for a moment in thought before looking at Daniella again. "She's a great woman, a great knight, and a great example."
"I don't know," Daniella replies honestly. "The summons was for those members and Beacons of the Shining Hand not otherwise engaged. Jillian has pledged her service to me in this task, and though she does not know what it is, she has given her oath of support and service, and I believe she will most likely stay near me."
Lance arches an eyebrow but nods. "So she gave her word of honor?"
"If you speak with honor at all times, whatever you say is your word of honor and an oath in truth," Daniella says quietly.
Lance smirks bitterly. "That is what I thought as well." He waves his hand dismissively. "Anyway. I am glad you think that way. I whole heartedly support those words... and actions."
She nods and looks away from him to stare once more at the altar, taking a few deep breaths.
Lance also turns behind her to look at the altar. "Well... I am sure I know of this sooner than I could imagine." He smiles. "Will you stay here?"
Daniella absently fingers her own amulet with it's ankh at the center. "I will stay or go as I am bid."
"Well, yes," he says. "You can do both. the question is. . will you stay here?
She looks back at him again questioningly.
"I mean aren't you heading back home? Or what are your plans?"
Daniella smiles slightly, her eyes still pained. "I will do what I have always done, brother. Yes, I will return home, and then I am certain I'll leave it again just as I have all this time. I will go where I am bid, and I will do what is my job to do."
"Only to return again Miss."
She nods. "Yes. Only to return again."
"Don't let the good feeling of a duty well done, erase the good feeling to have a place to return." He smiles with a mixture of feelings. "A place to call home and people to call family." He frowns a bit, but shrugs it off. I am asking because I am heading towards Leringard. I have a wagon waiting outside. I would like to travel in company, even if it is not farther than Blackford Castle."
Daniella smiles, as if relieved by such a simple request. "I would be honored to accompany you to your home, brother, if that is what you ask of me."
Lance shakes his head. "You make it sound so official. Is that how I sound?" He grins at her.
She smiles somewhat sheepishly, then lowers her eyes and nods once. "I will go with you, if you want me to."
"I am offering you a ride home. Better than traveling alone, no?" He smiles and offer his arm. "So shall we?"
She takes his arm with a small smile and pats it with her other hand. "Thank you for the ride, then, Brother."
-
It seems I've long neglected this book. It's almost humorous to me how suddenly it found its way to the top of my stack of paperwork so to speak. The things that have occurred over the last few months... years... are beyond something that ever I would've thought I would find myself ever in my life.
The task given to me by Toran is not something that I ever will forget, or regret, for it taught me something profound throughout the experience. If nothing else, that my love for Toran runs deeper than I ever truly understood. The world without Him would be a bleak place, and He does lead us, and protect us, and care for us in ways that we don't often see, but even if He were to be drawn from this world to let us fight the forces of darkness and corruption on our own, He would still be with us. His ideals would not leave those of us who are true and faithful to Him, and therefore... Toran would not be gone from us in truth. Perhaps this was the true test. Toran himself was never really the one being tested anyways. The test was of His followers, His Chosen... me. It's a humbling and yet completely uplifting and inspiring thing really.
Toran calls us to lead the people, to protect them from the forces of evil. It is in this light I have been working to unify the world's peoples against the common evil and corruption of the Dragon Cult. Some of the information I've learned about them is truly disturbing indeed, and some of the information and things that seem they must be done in the hopes that the Greater Good will win out are things I never thought I'd see myself doing. And yet others, people have suggested, and I don't think will ever be something that I can do. There is only so far that the ends justify the means. After that one begins to wonder if more evil was caused or allowed than was stopped?
The days in which I am fighting for my life against insurmountable foes seems relatively relaxing in comparison to the days when I find myself debating against insurmountable would-be allies. There are times when I feel that surely there must be someone more capable than I am of doing these things, of leading these people. But then I feel Toran's presence within me, lifting me up, calling me to do these insurmountable things, to continue to represent him even though the Divine Court is over and that judgement is over. My final judgement is yet to come, and will come one day when I stand before Toran in the afterlife and then He can tell me on whether or not I have truly been a Champion of His Divine Will.
I have faith that things will turn out and that good will prevail. I have to. But as I learn of the corruption that eats through these Cult members it disturbs me. To fight someone who knows they are committing evil, who relishes in the evil and flaunts it proudly is someone who is easy to identify and easy to bring down in the name of the Light and Virtue of Toran. But someone who exudes the stench and decay of evil and yet seems to truly believe to be doing the world good, that they are saving it, in fact, from an evil that they perceive as more evil? Can they be saved? Can people like that be convinced as to what is truly the greater good, or are they lost? Where is the line drawn when it comes to insanity? And then where when the insanity is no longer in just one person, but has spread like a plague to a large group that is terrorizing innocents?
I find myself walking in new circles these days. The Church at my back and my support, I know that in order to prevail all of the world must be willing to join together to defeat our common enemy. And yet I find myself trying to understand the intricacies of political structures. I've had advice from a few within Toran's church who are used to dealing with other religions and countries, but it's so much more... urgent perhaps? because we are not dealing with just a person, or just the ability to hold a service or build a temple... We're talking about thousands upon thousands of lives. I wonder sometimes if people feel that when I am willing to send Toran's bravest and finest into battle for the cause against the Cult I have no feeling for the number of lives lost, and the number of lives outside of those that will be altered and possibly lessened forever due to the loss of the one that died. Each loss I feel keenly. And now as I take the helm of this ship, as the Mercenary so bluntly called it, I feel that the responsibility has multiplied.
Toran give me wisdom that I may lead these people into their victory and salvation and not their deaths unnecessarily. Let any sacrifices made be worth the cost.
-
*written some time after the end of the Cult war*
I suppose that I have time to write in this book again. It's been years, it seems. I hold the quill in my hand to write, but there are almost no words to describe all that has happened in the last years.
All I know is that when I come home now the house is quiet. Chaynce isn't here to fuss at me for being away so long, or to ask me if Toran has accepted his invitation to tea yet. He isn't here with a comforting smile, or a hug, or a kiss on the cheek.
After all of the noise of battles that I've lived through, I should be thankful for the quiet. But this quiet is deafening. He had put all of the letters that I had written him on the shelf in the living room. I found the ones that I had that he had sent me and added them. His desk is starting to collect dust now, but I don't want to disturb it. His pillow still has his scent... and I am not looking forward to the day when that scent no longer lingers.
It's the quiet that gets to me. I close my eyes and I see all of the men and women that I killed. I see all those that died under my command... I see them fighting with everything they had, and I can still hear the noise of battle, the screams, the cries of pain as people fell. Good people. Strong people. People that should have been able to live their lives in peace. There was so much death. I feel haunted by it. I can't seem to forget what went on. Maybe I'm not supposed to. Those people deserve to be remembered. They deserve to be honored, and mourned.
And I see Chaynce's face smiling at me when he said "I'm still here." I wish I had had something better to tell him then except all I could say was, "I'm glad." I wonder if I told him all that I should have. I asked Toran to watch over him, and to accept him. I have faith in Toran that He would. I only hope that Chaynce isn't too stubborn to accept. I hope he knows I miss him.
-
Things continue on, busy as usual. My house is filled with young men and women learning their paths into the service of Toran and the people of Layonara. Two that had no solid base in the faith have recently said that they want to devote their lives to His service, and His faith. I can't help but be proud of them to have overcome so much, their personal strifes and challenges to have come so far. Taking a leap of faith, is just that, a leap. I know that I've tried to explain it to them, and that I've tried thus far to impress upon them that no matter the choices they face now, there will always be harder decisions ahead of them when they walk down this path. I worry for them. I could wish for them to have a simple life, that they all simply be farmers or tradesmen or wives, that they would never even consider touching a bindstone, never fight a war, never have to face a creature of evil or an abomination from the Pits. And yet, this is their life to lead. Whether or not I choose to teach them, they most likely would have found their way if it is meant to be. I keep telling myself that each time I bring them out to face these challenges and each time I know I see a bit of their innocence fading as they learn more about what truly is in the world that we try so hard to protect others from, that it is hopefully saving their lives in the future. I hope some day they will forgive me for what I have done to them. I know I have taken children and have had a part in making them become adults. I know that I've taken away an innocence that they will never get back. Maybe it is after all like Lance has tried to say so many times. Perhaps not in the way he believes, but in a way that does indeed hold true for who I am and what I believe is my mission in life in service to the Hand of Virtue. There is a balance to life. You have to get your hands dirty in order to make things clean. In order to see through to the light you have to face the darkness. In order to have a victory, there must first be a battle. In order to succeed, you must first know what it is to fail. And in the case of these no-longer-children, their childhood must die in order for their lives to be spared later on in this life that we lead together. Toran knows that I love these children. No. They are no longer children. They're growing up.
There are some things that I know each of them still holds on to from their past that I hope they each will be able to come to terms with. I fear that those things are holding them back from the person that they are meant to be: Hector's standoffish arrogance, Marinus's quiet avoidances, Marion's fear that she is not good enough, Raelyn's self-consciousness about her appearance and abilities, William's fear to face combat with those he cares about, Alexander's exuberant zeal. What is funny is that I see in each of these things pieces of myself as I have grown over the years. I suppose they should be considered at an advantage. They each seem to only have a piece of something whereas I had to face every single one of those challenges and didn't even realize it. I hope that together they'll be able to overcome every obstacle that comes before them, and that their combined faith in Toran will help them change the world for the better.
-
The transition from war commander to diplomat is not easy. It's very much like having to learn a whole new set of rules for a different sort of warfare. The rules of engagement are the different, but similar. They instill quite a lot of the same feelings, and often enough I feel that if I don't do my job properly, people will die. Things are simply far more subtle than they are in the field. Far more subtle. Facial expressions, postures, twitches of the eyebrow, tensing of the shoulders. Things that I would watch as a tell in an opponent when fighting, the same sort of reactions are there in political discussions, but they are covered so much better. Overall people seem to be trained to cover what they are feeling for the sake of relations or because they are supposed to be presenting a certain face to the public. And yet, it has to be done.
I find myself lacking nearly constantly. I am not a politician, and though I serve as a diplomat, I know that I am not the smoothest in any measure. I've asked myself and I've asked Toran so many times if I should let someone else handle the things that I am doing with the new alliances, with rebuilding the castle... but my gut and my heart tells me to keep going, so I do. "Your gut is as good as gold," Jillian says to me? Hopefully she realizes that hers is just as good.
"Ever the evangelist," Lord Jaedon has said to me. Yes, well, that's an entirely separate and third form of war. Perhaps even a fourth with him. I don't blame him for not wanting to trust in another master, even if that "master" is a god who would not lead him astray the way Molvaren did. But I suppose the work we are doing together is a start to some sort of redemption for him. I hope so anyway. I am met constantly with people who question why I could possibly see anything in a man who was my enemy, who defeated me. But then I look at the way he cares for his people, and is trying so desperately to see them not only survive, but build a future, and I wonder how can they not see it?
There is still so much work ahead of both of us. I never thought I would see myself doing the work that I'm doing now. Not once. But then, each of the steps I've taken in my life perhaps have been whatever is understandable to follow.
I'm thankful that Toran sees more than I do.