-
Hmmm... the start of a new book for me. I guess now's about the right time anyways... kind of a new chapter in my life... a new book. Thanks mom.
Alright... so... a little about me.
I grew up I guess just like any other regular old non-noble elf on Voltrex. My mom and I spent a lot of time on our own. My dad was a merchant. He traveled around a lot. Don't think he was ever very good at it though, else mom wouldn't have had to work as hard as she did to make ends meet. Thank whatever god was responsible... I guess Aeridin, from what I've heard rumors saying... when the sky cleared. Things at least weren't quite as awful anymore. Amazing how much a little sunshine can do for people. My mom always made sure that I got into the schools I needed, and I guess I did just fine. I always had a sort of I guess magicky air to me or something... My mom called it my own special flare. I could make lights if I wanted to. It was pretty nifty, and great for showing off in school. It all sorta started happening about the same time I got my... well as my mom called it my "woman's magic". Yeah.. it's magic alright. Though... not the same sort that was welling up inside me anyways. They always wanted me to read out of books and learn that way, but really, I'm not much of a book person. Pretty boring if you ask me. They'd all spend time reading and studying, but I always preferred just to...well... practice them. Make them happen. Never really needed the books to do that, that's just parchment with pictures and words. If I could call it forth on my own, why would I use a book? I'd rather know a spell came out of me than a book anyways. But... I had to go through the decades of studying, learning the bow, various swords, proper ettiquette, customs and all that jazz. Some of it was alright, but I kept getting pretty distracted by the boys in my classes. Or... was it that I was distracting them? I can't remember now...
Hmm... where was I? Oh yeah... so... I had this really big coming out party to celebrate my adulthood. My mom finally ditched my dad and got a new man. I guess she gave up on my dad and his not being around all the time. I don't blame her. My new stepdad was alright I guess. At least he was around and made decent money so mom didn't have to work anymore. I think she was pretty glad of it. "New Dad" at least paid for the nice party, and towards the end got me into some pretty good schools and stuff. Granted, I wasn't all that good a student. They wanted me to go home and study for hours, but what was the point? When they wanted demonstrations of the little spells and tricks they were teaching I could do them easy... lights, little bit of acid, that sort of thing. Who cares about the specificly intricate ways it is written on a piece of parchment anyhow? Results are the real trick right?
Well... eventually they gave up on me. Told me there was no point in training me in wizard's classes anyways. They said it was because I was a sorceress.... I hope that's why, and not that they just got tired of me goofing off in class. I missed some of those boys in those classes...
So since I kinda sorta got kicked out of those classes I spent more time in my other classes. I could shoot a bow alright, but I could never get used to having to carry the quiver of arrows on my back. The darned things got tangled in my hair. Then I had to spend a whole day brushing it out again. Totally not worth the trouble. They taught us longsword.. rapier... Rapier. Now that's a nice weapon. When I was younger, my dad gave me one. It's great! Lightweight... and really spiffy flashy. I look really cute with it too. Well, as soon as they let me I gave up on the longsword and spent as much time as I could with the rapier. At least with that I didn't need to carry around one of those big heavy ugly shields anyways. Those things completely cover up my figure! That's not fair to everyone else!
So I told New Dad about having all this extra time on my hands and he got a friend of his to train me up a bit better than the school was in wearing different kinds of armors (most of them ugh...) and using a bunch of different kinds of weapons. He said that if I was going to make an "educated decision" on which weapon I liked then I'd need to be trained in all of them. So... day after day year after year, I went off to New Dad's appointed trainer... Actually wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The guy was pretty cute after all. You know... if they could make some of those heavy armors not so heavy and a bit cuter or form fitting they wouldn't be so bad. Mostly though I got frustrated with them because anytime I actually DID try to cast while wearing them they got all in the way and interfered somehow. Seemed like just having that much more weight made it harder. I could fight pretty well, but it kind of made me have to focus on how to fight without using spells. Weird though. As much as I hated having my teachers tell me I had to go home and practice and read and study out of their books, after fighting in armor and feeling like my magic was unusable, I'd go home and practice more on my spells just because it felt so much better to be able to be using them again. I know there were nights where I about dropped I was exhausted from both. But know what? Without someone breathing down my neck on what I should do and when I should do it, I did pretty darn good, you know? And maybe I do still like my rapier best, but at least then New Dad felt better that I knew how to use the other kinds too. (Actually- and don't ever tell him, but I felt better that I knew all the other kinds too... oh yeah, this is my journal, and I'm headed for Mistone... not much chance he'll read this is there?) Now I just need to find a way to get better at both. Who knows... maybe I'll find a way to use them both together? I dunno... I hear there are some other spells that I could use... THEN put on armor...(do they have better looking armor on Mistone?) and then maybe I'll do alright.
Hmm... I think I got off topic again didn't I? Oh yeah. So... after this big party... Oh yeah, I think I had about five guys that night ask me to marry them... but I'm not so sure I'm really the marrying type. I mean... why limit myself right?
Ok ok... I get it, you want to know what I was getting at. Well, my mom sat me down after the party and she told me the actual reason why she dumped my dad. Apparently... he had a whole 'nother life. A whole 'nother family and everything. The creep lied to us. Yeah, he was a merchant, but he actually had another family in another city. My mom found some paper in his luggage one time when he came "home" to us and it was signed in another name. His last name wasn't even actually Silverleaf. Well, maybe it was, but I dunno. For all I know he might've had more than two families even.
So... after that, I got the information from my mom and went off to find out what I could about my dad's other family. Big shock, when I got there he wasn't around, but his wife was. I didn't tell her who I was, but... I think she might've known. They had a picture of their son there. I knew I looked like my dad, but holy cow... She never said anything, but I could see it in her eyes. I think me showing up there simply laid it out there for her to see. She was pregnant too... apparently she hadn't given up on him yet. I guess now's not the time for that anyways. So she said her son left for Mistone a few years back and they don't really hear much about him. She said something about her granddaughter being the cause for it. So... apparently running out on your kids is a family trait. Nice to know.
Well, when I got back home I packed my stuff. All my clothes... of course I couldn't leave without those! My makeup, my hairbrushes... oh yeah, and my rapier my dad gave me. I dunno why I like it still after all he did, but it was a birthday present. I guess he's still my dad. I mean... he was nice and all... I dunno... I don't know if I'm mad at him or not anymore...
Well... I hopped on a boat to Mistone. Probably stupid thing to do. The guy at the docks in Sadinia when I left told me I was crazy to go there since apparently they're getting attacked by dragons. Ok, so maybe I'm crazy. But... I need to see this guy. Maybe his childhood was better than mine. And who knows? Maybe I'll learn something while I go.
I'm gonna put this book down for now though... Some of these sailors are really cute.
-
Well, I've met a few people since I got here. A really sweet guy named Amgine for one. He's strong and cute... lots of muscles. And yet in spite of all that he seemed shy and uncertain. He bought me some flowers. He seemed to know how to say the right thing instinctually, but I think he was just so nervous. I don't know if he's even ever been with a woman before. I told him I could show him ways that if he wanted he could get any girl he chooses. Not sure if he believed me or not, but I like him. I definitely am looking forward to seeing him again. Hopefully I'll show him that he really is a great guy, and not just on the battlefield.
-
Well it wasn't all that hard to find Razeriem... surprisingly enough. I asked around for a sparring partner to practice my bladework. I got two names. A Miss Ami... and him. Then I happened to meet him in Hempstead. I guess his mom was right when she said that's where he went. He was there alright. Anyways... I knew it was him the moment I saw his face. Like looking at Dad... mostly. Really weird actually. Well, I knew how I felt when I found out about him, so I didn't think I should just blurt it out to him right there in the middle of town square, you know? So, I asked him to show me around, which he did. Kept asking for kisses. Ugh... it's not fair. Anyone else I would've loved the attention... but he's my.. well... we have the same dad right? Ew... Well... we traveled around for a while. He's really good with the rapier. I hope he can teach me a trick or two...in swordplay! Just swordplay! sheesh... Wow... it must be bad, I'm scolding myself for reading what I've written... to myself. Ok... so... anyways, I know I kinda dropped a bomb on him and it wasn't fair. I mean... it was hard enough for me to find out and I found out in stages over a few months. Him... no... how about a few minutes, right? Yeah, so told him about dad, told him about his mom... poor guy. He looked like he was gonna be sick. He said he's not sure what he thinks yet. The way he was looking at me, I think maybe he'd rather think I was lying to him... but... I'm pretty sure I'm not. Ok, I'm really sure I'm not. He said something when I told him his mom was gonna have another kid. Something about some other poor kid to grow up with no parents to love him. Wow... here I figured Dad was never around because Razeriem was the kid that he really wanted. And Raz said he figured he was a mistake. Maybe I'm the lucky one of the two of us after all? At least my mom cared...
-
Well... Ok, so I found out a few things about Amgine. One... he's a really great kisser in addition to his other wonderful qualities. Two... He's decided he wants to maybe settle down someday. Three... I need to be more careful with him.
I moved into a room in Leringard at an Inn... kind of a long term stay kind of thing I guess. Sort of an apartment, except not exactly. I mean... it's like we're renting a room out of a REALLY large house. oh yeah... we... me and Raz. We've got a cute little room with two beds, a couple chests for clothes and other stuff, a table with a couple chairs and a really fuzzy bearskin rug. Best way to have a bear! On the floor of your room to be all snuggly fuzzy under your feet.
oh... wait, I was talking about Amgine right? Ok... so... anyways, Raz came in to talk to Steel (he's the owner I think) about getting a key so he can get in and stuff, and Amgine apparently has met Raz before and he doesn't know that he's my [strike]brother[/strike] dad's other kid. Well, I guess he didn't like the idea of me moving in with him. He started acting all sorts of jealous. I mean, he said something about "My Zari". It sorta scared me, ya know? I mean, after what happened way back when with Eldarian... I don't ever want to see something like that happen again... Raz said he didn't recall his name being tatooed on me anywhere (like I would EVER let a guy tatoo me!! ICK!) and Amgine said that it was somewhere he couldn't see and winked at me like it was a joke... it wasn't funny... Well, then he told Raz that if he ever did anything bad to me he'd hurt him, and then Raz said if Amgine did to hurt me... what was it.. unduly? that he'd feed him to a Corathite Dread Priestess. WHAT!? I hope he was kidding... but he sure as heck didn't seem like it! I told them both to calm down and just get along, and then Amgine apologized saying that he was just acting like a big brother... boy did he know how weird that felt given the whole deal with... well you know (of course you know, you're me!)
Well, finally the tension eased... a little. Raz went to take a bath... Oh my gods! The Arms has this completely and totally over the top wonderful bathroom that is for any of us to use. It's fantastic!
oh... that distracted thing again... where was I? Oh yeah... so... Amgine told me to be careful with Raz because had I seen the way he looked at women? and I said well yeah, but you've seen the way I look at men, right? Well... i think he got the picture... sorta... maybe... I hope so? I dunno...
I think he was really upset about a letter he got back from his sister. Someone from back home that he knew died... or... got killed or something. I feel bad. If I can help him I will, but I've got to know that he isn't going to try to make sure that I'm... his. I mean I totally love to spend time with him, but I can't do that if he wants something that I can't give him. I know his type. He wants a home, a family. Something stable and happy and wonderful... something I know I could never give him. If everyone has a perfect match out there someone he deserves to find the one for him. Someone that appreciates his kindness and his gentleness as well as his strength and humor... and... everything else that he has to offer that I still can't wait to find out.
But I've seen that look before... that "If I can't have you no one will" look...
and I never want to see it again.
-
Well it didn't take long, but Amgine's moved on. I figured he would. He just needed a boost I guess... someone to show him how special he was, and off he went to find someone that he could really love. I guess good for him. I hope he finds what he wants and never has to settle. I wish it was the first time this had happened. I wish... I dunno what I wish. I'm happy for him, but still sad at the same time, ya know? I mean, I really did like him. He was a really sweet guy. He says we can still be friends so that's good, though I haven't really seen him much since he told me he was moving on to Amireana.
Oh... and I met Jaelle... the mom of one of Raz's kids. I didn't know it was her. She's evil. Enough said.
One of the weirdest things I've found here on Mistone... people don't seem to take very kindly to people just being nice. I don't understand why...
-
Well, I have a date for an up and coming dance that Steel says he's putting on at the Arms. I wish he'd go ahead and finally post up the date though so I can start getting my dress together! I don't know what it is about a man in armor that just makes me go weak in the knees... especially the reserved ones. They're just so darn cute! There's this one... I think it's Toran that he follows... I dunno, he wears blue and silver and he's actually missing an eye, but I think the eyepatch makes him look all mysterious and dashing really... not to mention he's easy to grin at and steal glances when he's sort of looking away and he never notices it. It's really cute. Well, that one's named Sammy.
Oh, I still have to go to dinner with Benny at some point. I guess we keep missing each other, but we havent' actually done that yet. He's been a lot nicer to me since Raz yelled at him. Though... I think that Raz told someone that I was his sister, and apparently she told someone else because Benny blurted it out at one point that we were being siblings, but then he shut up and never said another thing about it, but then Amgine asked me about it. I hate lying to him, but Raz and I hadn't really talked about the whole thing, and I wanted to make sure he had enough time to really figure things out, not go and force stuff on him. Besides.. he's not really like... a real sibling... I mean... only half right? Yeah, so we have the same dad... not like he really ever did a whole lot. No... I said I wasn't gonna be mad at him anymore. So I'm not. I'm not mad at him. Okay, maybe I am. When I hear how Raz talks about how he wasn't there with them either, makes me wonder where exactly was he? I mean... if he wasn't with us, and he wasn't with them... what in the heck was he doing with his time anyways???
oh wait... I was talking about my date. So... this OTHER paladin... he wears gold. His eyes are this really gorgeous amber color, and he's got to be at least a half elf, because his ears are all cute and pointy. But he's tall and big like a human. Anyways, Aeronn said he'd go to the dance with me. He's all sorts of shy and proper, and it's just so cute, especially when he blushes a bit. He really needs to learn how to only wear the armor for battle... and not for life. Actually, it seems to be a trend with those armor-wearing fighter-types... but I like the challenge. And they always are worth it in the end. Now, granted, if I could get Sammy to realize that sure, I'm cute, and I have a fabulous sense of style, but I'm pretty tough ya know? I mean, I'm strong, I think sometimes people think that just cuz a girl's wearing a skirt means she can't do anything for herself. How many times do I have to offer to help people carry stuff and them tell me "No Zari, I wouldn't want to burden you" Heck! I dont' have to carry that really huge heavy armor and shield that YOU'RE carrying! I can carry a few rocks! Just, please, for the love of all things good and whatever god's day of the week it is... please please please don't make me have to chisel the dang things myself ever EVER again. I chipped a third of my nails trying to get those fire opals for Green Eyes. I don't know why he thought I needed to learn how to do it myself. Bloody waste of time if you ask me. I prefer the view from behind watching a strong man bent over his work. Umm... I mean... of course, watching his back so he doesnt' get snuck up on by bad guys.. of course...
hmm... where was I again?
Dunno... oh... well, Raz seems to be a little bit more comfortable. We seem to have a lot in common. I think I may have to look for a pink shirt for him though. I think he'd probably like it. He's at least given up on trying on my boots. Well... at least while I'm there anyways. Made me giggle though when I saw him rummaging through my clothes. I really need to work on some stuff for him. There's a decent shop in Mariner's Hold I'll have to bring him to at some point. They have a lot of "different" type stuff. Everyone around here always seems to dress SOOOOO boring. One vendor actually tried to tell me that it was "utilitarian". Uh... no. BORING. B O R I N G. Why browns and dull greens and blacks and greys all the time when there are so many more beautiful dyes out there to use?!
Well... I guess that's all I have to say now. I'm sure I left something out, but tomorrow is another day.
Oh yeah... and I hate dying. And I think I said something bad to Amgine... but I can't for the life of me remember what it was. I just remember thinking afterward that I should apologize to him, and then I did, and he said that I hurt him when I said he dumped me for Ami, but that since he kinda sorta did, maybe it was justified... well... I dunno, I don't remember saying that. I do however remember kissing Aeronn... That I'll have to repeat at some point.
Who knows? Maybe next time he'll actually kiss me back...
-
I don't have a date anymore... he died. It's really terrible! I was looking forward to getting to know him better and now I won't get a chance. And what's even worse, is, there's a masquerade ball coming up now, and I don't have a date for it, and I've opened up this store in the house that Raz bought for us. Oh yeah, Raz bought a house! So we're moving to another street in Leringard, still pretty close to the Arms but it's our own house. Gods does it need work! But I think we can get it fixed up really well. Oh and so I decided that the people around here needed some help because all the vendors sell is the absolutely worst designed "utilitarian" clothes, and it's just not right for people to have to wear that sort of stuff all the time. People really should look their best! So, I started this shop and now everyone's been coming in lately wanting dresses and suits for the ball. I actually have been making great sales, and not just for the ball. Some people just want clothes. This guy Wren came in, and he bought a few different outfits. He cleans up really well. Nice guy. I wouldn't mind seeing more of him. I'd ask him to take me to the ball, but I'm kinda nervous now. Last guy I asked to a dance... well... that didn't turn out so well. I dunno. I never had this much trouble finding a date on Voltrex. Did my hair go flat here with all the rain?
-
Business... is booming. My love life... not so much.
I've been getting tons of dresses, suits, you name it all for everyone to wear to this huge grand opening of the Tower Academy in Port Hempstead.
I'm not going.
Raz keeps telling me someone will ask me to go, but I've even asked people. Nobody's interested. I'm... I'm not sure this has ever happened to me before.
I don't think I want to write anymore today.
-
I wonder how many people out there give up on love because something bad happened to them? Probably a lot I guess. There's so many people that say things like "Oh, there's more to life than love" or "Love's not all that important" or "I'm better off alone" And you know what? Those people always seem to be sad or uptight in one form or fashion. I mean, seriously, who wants to be alone all the time? It's just not right. I know I sure don't want to be alone all the time. I'd end up talking to myself. It's not all that interesting to talk to myself. I already know who I am. I'd rather meet new people and figure out interesting things about them. I felt pretty bad about myself for a few weeks. It's been a while since I've found any nice guys to talk to. Met one recently though. His name is Ido. He's got a very um... interesting little pseudo dragon... familiar I think? Twinkie likes to poke it. Okay, Twinkie likes to poke a lot of things that she probably shouldn't. Hopefully the little dragon won't decide to eat her. But then again, maybe she'd learn her lesson right? Nah... it's Twink... probably not. Anyways, Ido's kinda cute. A little bumbly, a little bit unsure. It's endearing. He bought a suit from me to go to the gala. Raz and I had decided we were both going to stay home and eat pie while everyone went. So... we did for a while. Then after we'd finished off three whole pies between the two of us (I'm still not sure how we did that... but we did... really.... 2 apples and a cherry... I thought I was going to be sick...) we decided to go ahead and go on to the Gala after all, and he would be my date since I didn't have one, and Sasha couldn't make it to go with him. Still not sure how I fit into my dress after all the pie actually... I think I've lost some weight recently. I've got to find someone I can hire to make some food. I keep running out.
Where was I... oh yeah. So we went to the dance. It was so great, everyone looked fantastic! And oh yeah... I designed a lot of the clothes people were wearing! It was really nice seeing everyone looking their best... and smiling. I got to dance with Raz and I danced with Ido even since he didn't have a date. I'm not sure he really knew what he was doing completely but I helped him out a bit and he did just fine. I wouldn't mind seeing more of him. He really should have someone special in his life, but I think maybe he's too shy or bumbly or whatever else that it is that keeps him from finding that person. I kissed him on the cheek once and oh.... that reminds me. Last time I saw him he was so covered in arrow wounds! Most of them were pretty well healed, but that boy needs to learn how to dodge!! I mean seriously! Most of those probably could've been avoided if he just got out of the way. I kissed one of them to make it better. Yeah, I know there's not really any real proof that kisses make things better, but they make people feel good right? So that's got to help things at least a little. You'd be surprised what good a kiss or a hug can do. Sometimes people just need some physical contact I think just so they know someone cares. Just so that they know that they're not the only person on the planet. That someone else has been through what they're going through. You know, that sort of thing.
It's hard being alone.
Oh... I heard there's someone that moved into the house next to us. There's been some furniture being moved in lately. I really need to take him a pie. You know... to be neighborly. Granted, I don't bake... and I really don't want to. I'd see if I could go get one from Steel... but I turned in my key when I moved out. Honestly I'm not sure my rent was up yet, but I think he wanted to rent the room out to someone else. Since I didn't need it, there was no point in me staying there anymore.
Oh... and I need to make some sort of dress for this woman I met, Ellis. Raz said she's an Ilsarian? I don't know how... Maybe I don't understand Ilsare or something... oh well. Anyways, she bet me 100 Tr that I couldn't hit her with a fireball. She dodged. (see? she's not going to end up with arrows in her! well... she's an archer...) anyways... so I tried to pay her but she said she didn't want the true and that I owed her a dress. I told her I'd give her a discount. Well... She seems more like a pants wearer type of person, but she wanted a dress... Sooooooooo..... now I gotta design something... a dress for a pants wearer. Could be interesting... hopefully it won't be a disaster. I think she needs something pretty to wear. Maybe it would cheer her up a bit.
-
The last few days have been really hard.
Amgine came over last week to pick up the matching pajamas he'd ordered for him and Ami. He tried on his set, and I tried on Ami's so he could see how they worked. They were a little big on me, but I figured it would give him the idea anyways. He just kept looking at me. I'd been working out with Fred before he got there so I figured I'd introduce him. We talked about baths, he got all uptight and embarrassed again. Said that he still had feelings for me, but that he was committed to Amireana. I guess I just don't really understand. If he loves her so much, he shouldn't have feelings for me anymore. But if I'm not meant to be with him either, how come I still hurt that I can't be with him anymore like we used to be? I expected him to want to move on. I didn't expect him to want to move on and stick around too.
I tried to kiss him. Just as a test really... to see if maybe he really did love Ami, then he wouldn't want to kiss me back. Mostly...
He backed away from me. Said he knew when he should back away from a fight when he knew he would lose... or something like that. I told him that maybe he should leave then because I couldn't be strong enough for the both of us. I guess I didn't fully realize until then how much I miss him. So I showed him out. I told him to be safe. He told me "I love you too" and left. I dunno what happened but I guess I just lost it. It hurt so much. When someone tells you they love you it's supposed to feel wonderful isn't it? It's supposed to feel like the world and time stops for just the two of you and that... I dunno... well, it didn't feel like that. It just felt like a blinding, stabbing pain. He loves me, but he doesn't want to be with me. It's like what happened with Jonas and Braedan all over again. I should know better. I'm the kind of girl people like to brag about. The kind of girl people want to have, but not the one they want to be with. I was supposed to be able to leave all that behind when I came here, and it is following me. So who is it that doesn't understand what love is? Is it them, or is it really just me? When things don't get complicated it's easy to love people without feeling in love. But when things start getting complicated with me, they don't seem to get better or deeper or more intimate or devoted... they seem to just well... get complicated.
I know Raz is worried about me. He has a lot of things that he does to cheer me up, and they work. I went out to the goblin wastelands. And of course... I ran into Amgine there. We didn't really talk much. And for once, he looked worse off than me. I heard him say something about him being a twice blessed something or a twice cursed fool. Whatever that meant. But then a couple other people came up where we were and Amgine left.
Raz says he needs to figure out what he wants, and that he can't have it both ways. I know he's right. It just doesn't make it any easier. I haven't seen Lareth since I met him. I haven't seen Ido in a long time, and... I dunno... I miss having my friend around to talk to him. He was the first real friend I made here on Mistone, and I hate that I can't be myself around him anymore. I miss him. I miss the way we were. Maybe I don't even so much miss having him as a lover as I miss having him as my friend, without the restrictions and boundaries. Without him getting uncomfortable everytime I say something, or wear something, or do something that I would normally do. Things he used to be embarrassed about but liked.. and now I'm not sure if he likes them or doesn't like them.. or that he's just afraid to like them... and me. or afraid to love me.
People shouldn't have to be afraid to love, right? Part of that is loving yourself too I think. But I don't feel like I love myself right now. And that part hurts more than anything.
I miss me.
-
I don't think I like the color blue anymore...
I've thrown up so much blue... ugh... way too much blue...
My head is still pounding. I have no idea how much I drank or even what I drank... but oh my gods... I don't ever want to drink again.
I don't know why Raz is so doggone cheerful today... and so loud. I really wish I knew a spell to silence him. He just keeps singing at the top of his lungs and... oh gods... i think he got breakfast. I don't think my stomach can handle anything today.
but on top of everything else.. I think I slept. And I think I had a dream. At least... what I remember of it. It was horrible. If that's how humans dream, I'm not sure they know what they're talking about when they say dreams are good. Maybe I can write it down some.
Okay, so I was back on Voltrex, and I was dreaming... remembering? no... it was sorta different from how it really happened. In the room that I got locked in when Eldarian lost it. Except instead of being that same room it was sorta different. kinda like... an inn? but not really? and I couldn't get the door open. I heard him outside the door saying if he couldn't be the one for me then nobody would have me ever. And I remember... I remember the smoke coming up from under the door again, but that part was more like a memory, but still not in the real room, but the inn room that was different. But this time I had a rose, and the floor started getting all wet, and I still couldn't breathe from the smoke. I started screaming for help and I remember coughing... but now it's fuzzy to which part I dreamed and which part was the part I remember. I know how it really happened, but the dreaming part I think was the part that was different. But this time instead of my dad running in to save me and busting the door down... it was Raz. But he looked like my dad, but... it wasn't... I think? Or maybe it was both of them? It was like it looked like my dad, but it really wasn't? or maybe it was the other way around. Ow... my head hurts.
oh... and I think I need to remember to take the thorns off my roses from now on. I think that's how my hand got cuts on it.
And after that feel good stuff... and the blue pie... and ugh... yeah, no more even thinking about blue... maybe I should stick to juice.
oh... yeah... and Amgine made his decision. But I don't want to talk about that. But I know he did the right thing.
I think I'm gonna go back to bed now. Maybe in a week my head won't hurt... or my stomach
or my heart.
*pressed inside the page is a very disheveled red rose*
-
Met someone in Hempstead the other day. I went there to see if I could remember "romping naked through the fountain with jaelle". I really don't think I did. Raz told me he was joking afterwards and that he was just trying to make a point... but he was pretty convincing, so I had to make sure. Nope... I really don't think I did. Well I was sitting there and this woman walked up. Really pretty, had a really nice dress on. Fantastic use of color really. I'll have to draw something up with those colors I think and maybe make something not quite the same, but maybe a bit similar... So I was talking to her for a while. Weird how sometimes talking is easier with a complete stranger than with people who know you. But we talked for a while, and I started to feel better about the way things happened with Amgine. I realized that even though my heart hurts, I don't regret it. Because as long as he's happy that's what matters. And I do think that over all, even in spite of the hurt at the end, it was a good thing. And she asked me if I'd do it all over again. I really do think I would. Turned out she was a priestess of Ilsare. I told her I thought Ilsare was pretty neat since she likes love and stuff, but never really could be an archer so she was kinda out of the question for me. And besides, I'm not sure I could really give up on the other good things about some of the other gods. Told her that my best friend was a Champion of Aeridin, and apparently Ilsare and Aeridin are good buddies. That's kinda neat actually. Funny thing is, I swear I've heard some of this stuff before. I just never really paid all that much attention. Well, she invited me to come talk to her in Hlint sometimes and work on tending the garden there. I'm not much for gardening or getting my hands dirty, but I do like flowers and I had a good time talking to her. It just I dunno, felt kinda right somehow.
After talking with her for a while Amgine walked by... and I realized that I really did need to talk to him. To make things better and sorta find closure so we can both move on better. It was hard to do, but when I was walking all the way to his house I felt better. It rained part of the way, but the way the water sparkled on the grass after the rain stopped and the sun came out was really beautiful. So I sat down and I sketched it a bit. The more I drew the better I felt and so I kept going. I started feeling nervous again when I got closer, and when I actually saw him I realized that I haven't really lost him, but I needed to say what I had to say to him or else I might really lose him for real. So I told him that I was happy for him. That he made the right decision. That he was special and that I wouldn't change what we had. But I told him to save his I love you's for Ami because she deserves them. He told me that he wouldn't promise not to say that he loved me anymore because he said he still does, just to know that it was as a very dear friend. I told him I knew that, but the last two times he said it to me it hurt. So I needed some time to get past that. I hope he understands. He still wants me to go with him to meet his family. I'm not exactly sure why he wants me to, but I asked him if I could take Raz along (I think I'd be stronger with him there) and he said okay. So I told him I'd think about it.
I think we'll be okay. I think I'll be okay.
But something that Ysaline said to me... that I'm not really sure what the answer is. She asked me what my life's purpose was.
Do I have one?
-
I have a date with Lareth! I'm so excited! He asked me to the Leringard Arms party.
Now... please, whatever gods are up there and listening... don't let him die before then?
-
Raz is really depressed. I don't like it when he's sad. He misses his crazy scary girlfriend, Anne. He just wanted to help her I guess. I'm not actually sure how the topic got around to it even anymore, but I told him that he had all the best parts of Dad. I don't think he believed me. We talked a bit more about Dad... something we don't do much. He said he remembered him being around all the time when he was really little, and then not as much, and as he got older, around even less. Weird thing is... even though I never remember a time when my dad was around all the time, the same thing sort of happened to me too. I remember when I was really little he would hold my hand through rainstorms when I was scared. And I remember him going with mom and me to the lake and helping me cross a log because I wanted to cross the creek to pick flowers on the other side. He used to call me Doodlebug because I always liked drawing so much. But then he was gone more and more, until I almost never saw him. If he wasn't with me... and he wasn't with Raz and his mom... where was he? I dunno... Raz is just still so mad at him. But even though I know that I missed him, and that he wasn't around for my dance recitals, or my art shows... if all I got was that one time when he did show up, I'll still take it. He was my hero. And I got lucky. Turns out Raz is my hero too. Thankfully he doesn't have to save my life like that, but I get to have him be my hero for all the little things. The things my daddy missed. The things he is still missing.
-
Lareth stayed over the other night. We went out on a trip together and talked and fought some of the ugly things that are in the Dragon Isles. He really does have good command over his magic for a wizard. I asked him if he'd ever been in love. I probably shouldn't have asked him that. He said not really because he had been spending so much time studying... but now he wanted to spend more time with me. I like him. I like spending time with him. But if he's never felt what it feels like to be in love... is he going to be just like all the others? Why do I always get myself into this mess? We finally got home after our long trip in the Dragon Isles, and when we stood outside my door, I told him he should come inside instead of going next door, so he did. We kissed and got cleaned up from all that muck and yuck from the journey and we had a nice dinner and were able to talk. I think I make him nervous sometimes with the things I say. He gets all bumbly like he can't figure out what he wants to say, or should say, and he's so cute when he blushes because his ears turn bright red... but I could tell he started getting a bit more than nervous... worried maybe? So I backed off a bit. He seemed to want to stay over when I invited him to, and I could tell he was really tired after the trip. I dunno, there's just something about watching a human sleep sometimes. It's like when I brush his hair out of his face and stuff while he's sleeping... I'm not exactly sure, but I guess they're not aware? It's so different. They're so peaceful. Sometimes it's just nice to have someone there to hold you. Just hold you, no strings attached, no worries, no cares, just someone to comfort you, to make you feel safe, to feel wanted and cared for. There's something to it. Maybe that's something Lareth needed? Or maybe I just needed to hold someone all night and not have to worry about what it meant for a change? After what happened with everyone else... I know that Lareth should also move on someday... I'm trying really hard not to think about that part though. I do wonder though if someone will ever really love me some day.
-
well.... now I know why my dad didn't want to be with me.
He wasn't with Raz much, he wasn't with me much... apparently he had two other kids that I know about now too. So I guess he wanted to be with them more than he wanted to be with me or Raz. Zira... their names are Zak and Zira... nice power letters. Must've been dad, he was always big on power letters. Z's and R's especially. X's good... but really probably kind of hard to work with... I mean if you think about it, you can pretty much same most things that you want to put in and use an x, or you can replace it with a z and it works just as good but looks better? Maybe? I dunno, I'm kinda partial to Z's myself.
but... I don't think that's what I was trying to talk about..
oh right... what Zira said. She said her mom died. Apparently she found out, probably like my mom did, about how dad had other lives... and it killed her. Said she died of a broken heart. I've had a broken heart. It hurts so bad and I can see how it could kill someone. Especially if they really really were in love. Honestly... my heart hurts right now. Because they had to grow up without their mom. My mom had to do a lot of things that people just shouldn't have to do to make ends meet. And my dad... I dunno, I just don't understand how someone who could be such a hero sometimes... could have done what he did to all of us. And it seems I really don't know much about him at all. Zak's pretty quiet most of the time, but he's a nice looking fighter type... you know how I like fighters. Muscles are great! But how could he possibly be related to me if he uses a big clunky shield and uses a longsword? Must be from his mom or something... where's the style? where's the flash and bang? Now Zira? She's got some bang. She toasted skeletons just by... praying I think? She follows Ilsare just like Ysaline does. She didn't have a whole lot that they brought with them from Voltrex so I gave her one of my old outfits. It's weird, ya know? I don't really have a lot of girlfriends. Sticks is okay, but she's kinda broody sometimes, and I really only see her when she's bringing Mera over or picking her back up. I think she and Raz still see each other sometimes, but the Taskmaster apparently hates Raz because of Mera. Poor thing, nobody should hate anybody because of her. She's fantastic. Little Princess Meralae. I love her so much... especially when she's finally settled down and quiet. I swear that kid can run a mile a second and sneak behind you before you even know what's happened and she'll be into something and getting into trouble.
I lost where I was...
oh... so apparently Raz and Zak both agree and want to lock dad up. Nobody seems to like dad. Why am I the only one who has reservations? Should I tell Raz what he did for me? I dunno if I really want to explain it all to him. Every time I go over it in my head I just keep coming back to thinking that it's my fault that it all happened in the first place. And he died because I drove him mad. Dad saved me, but...
Maybe this is why I hate thinking so much.
I need to go find another couple beds I think.
-
It's amazing sometimes the different types of people there are and how different a seemingly similar experience can be with two different people. With one person, completely open and carefree and fantastic... and the other deep and emotional, and terrifying and almost oppressive. Is it that we're supposed to be with one person? Only ever love one person forever? Is it supposed to trap you and hold you and keep you forever, or should love be something that sets you free, and makes you feel like there are no limits? If someone loves someone... shouldn't that person let the other person be themselves? Or is it in the nature of love to capture a person and posess them?
Ugh... I hate thinking. It's always a bad idea.
I've figured something else out about me though. I'm terrible at drawing landscapes. It's people that I seem to do the best on. But I guess that's because even though a landscape is pretty... I still think there is nothing more fantastic than a person's soul, for good or bad... that's what makes us the most beautiful I think.
I do have a challenge I want to take on though... There's this man I met. His name is Jon. He's been really hurt bad by something. But there's something in his eyes... I want to draw him. But I don't know if he'd say yes. He's very shy. I think people have been mean to him because of how he looks.
I know how that feels. It's not good.
-
I need help.
-
Well Raz took it upon himself to help me. I didn't like it. He yelled at me and was being really mean, and then he knocked me down and sat on me and told me that he would get up after he reveried. I hate being held down. He wouldn't get off of me so I tried fighting him and I almost got away one time, but he pulled me back down and held me down again. He kept telling me to think instead of panic, so I tried to pull at his hands or claw at him or something to cause him pain to get him to let me go. Eventually I twisted when he was trying to move me and I got up. I was so mad at him I hit him in the face. He said I punched like a paladin... whatever that means. I was mad, but he told me that if I was ready for help he'd teach me how to get out of different things, if someone grabs me from behind or stuff like that. And he has. He makes me go through one different hold every day. I don't like it, but he says it'll make it so that when somebody ever comes to try to grab me again I'll be able to get away this time. He even said we'd try working on ways to unbind holding spells. But we haven't done that yet.
He made me let him bind my hands last night. I can't even help how that makes me feel. He didn't leave the rope on long, just long enough that I had to not scream. He said it's so I don't panic just at the thought of having my hands tied again. So I can think. So I can figure out a way to get out. But without my hands I can't cast anything. And it makes me feel like I'm choking. He said that was just the panic talking, that I wasn't really being choked. He took the rope off, and I think I passed at least a little bit. Raz says we're going to have to work on learning to untie it at some point but for right now we have to get rid of the panic first. That's step one.
I don't like step one, but I'm really not looking forward to step ten.
-
I hate what I'm having to do. It's not even so much of exactly WHAT I'm having to do, it's the complete feeling of panic that's the bad part. My heart starts racing and feels like it jumps into my throat which makes me feel like I"m choking, my chest hurting and I get all dizzy and want to scream. And then I keep hearing Raz just tell me to count. I have to count to ten. Ok, count to ten again. One more time Zari, just count to ten, and then we'll call it done for today. He says I'm making progress. I didn't scream this time. I can't help the shaking though. But he keeps telling me if I can fight the panic I can learn to think through it, to find a way to get past it, so that if ever something like that happens to me again, I'll know what to do, I'll be ready for it, and I'll be able to think myself out of it. Even without my hands. Even without being able to see... I'll be able to figure it out. My whole body hurts after we finish each session and Raz usually gives me a long hug and tells me I did fine. I still don't feel fine. I know that we're working to get past all this, but I still feel so scared. More scared whenever we're "practicing".
Maybe I can learn how to cast without my hands? I've seen people do that before... I think? Is that what Raz meant by being able to think through it?
-
So Raz was making a statue of Arkolio. I knew he'd been at it for a while but he came to see me and looked really down. So I went with him to see the statue. He was right... it wasn't anything fantastic, but he internalized the whole thing and started saying it was him that wasn't fantastic, when really it was just the statue that wasn't. So I told him it was because he didn't love Arkolio. I know when I draw people or things, the things that I don't particularly love always turn out blah or boring. They just don't have that same spark as when I'm in love with who and what I'm doing. So I told him he had to love Arkolio... at least something about him, if he wanted it to look as perfect as the smaller model he made up. He fought with me, but he was SO TENSE! So I danced around the room for him and cheered him up and kissed him on the head and told him that I loved him. Once he started to relax a bit he realized it was supposed to be fun and he was making it (I'm not going to say it because I don't want to put money in the swear jar). But he seemed to cheer up a bit. He wants so badly to give the people of Ft. Vehl something to inspire them. I think that's fantastic! Everyone should have a little something to inspire them, and this will be a HUGE something! I'm so excited about it. I've been coming back with him every day to keep him relaxed and happy so he can do what he needs to do. So far things are going much better, and he and he's been smiling a lot more as he sculpts. Laughing with me I guess takes his mind off the fact that Arkolio wasn't ever very nice to him. Oh well, somebody loved him, so I keep telling him that that's what's important. Find something to love about him. I didn't want to bring it up to him completely, but I reminded him that loving people isn't always easy. I think somewhere in there Raz wants to love dad still... but can't figure out how. Sometimes I think I'm the only one of the four of us that we know of that actually does love dad. And maybe it's just because I'm the only one that got to see that he really could be a hero... and was one.
So... for now I am coming back here every day and helping Raz with his sculpture. I brought my sketchbook today though. I'm drawing Raz sculpting Arkolio. I call it art inside of art. Literally! But it feels so good to have the charcoal in my hand again, to be sketching. I have been feeling more like me again later, and it's a good feeling. I missed me.
-
Zira wanted to set me up with someone, and then he actually came to the door, but not looking for me, looking for her. But... I met him. He's so tall and he's got these almond shaped eyes that seem to almost look through me. He sang to Zira and me a song that he wrote for Zira, and then he sang me another one that I couldnt' help it... it sounded like he was singing a song about me, but it was about him... it made me cry. He doesn't seem to know anything about me, about my past, about who I've been with, what I've done... I'm not ready for a relationship, but maybe if he doesn't realize what I've done before, maybe he'll be alright with me being me? I don't know. I'm so confused. And I've never been this nervous about a man since... well since... okay, no... since never. My face is still hot from flushing, I couldn't help it! And when he kissed my hand before he said goodbye it sent chills down my spine. It's been so long since I've been with anyone... maybe that's why he was making me feel that way? Can it just be that it's simply that?
I'm going back with Raz to work on the sculpture some more tomorrow... maybe I'll finish the sketch of him tomorrow... or maybe I'll work on the one of Andrew.
-
The sculpture is finished! It looks absolutely fantastic! Raz and I finished the polishing yesterday. Yep, he even let me help! (Actually, I polished Arkolio's butt... hee hee) We're looking for some people to help us move it now to Ft. Vehl, hopefully without anyone breaking it! Gods that would be HORRIBLE if they moved it and it broke! Raz seems relieved, and maybe a little bit proud that it's finished? I hope? I love it. I really wish Raz would see how wonderful he truly is. If I were going to be a man instead of me.... I'd totally want to be him. But... thankfully, I'm not a man! I gotta go, the movers are here. Oooh.... a couple of them are really cute and muscley. Fabulous!
-
I've been thinking about this too much. Raz was right. I was turning a simple thing like a date- which should be fun- into a chore. That's not right. It's not the way it should be. Being with someone should be a freeing experience. it sounds from Andrew's letter that maybe he isn't the kind of man to want me to marry him after the first date. i think he thinks that I'm not going to like him because he's been with a lot of women. He says he only is with one woman at a time- uh, I can't even say that I've been only with one man at a time. Granted, they looked exactly the same though, so does that count? The point is: Zira thinks I should say no, but why? She says I should give people something to look forward to, but the fact is, we could all get hit by a tidal wave tomorrow, so why shouldn't we try to expreience everything to the fullest today? It doesn't mean we have less to look forwared to tomorrow. it just means that tomorrow we get to experience everything tomorrow has to offer. Then we have tomorrow to look forward to for it's own newness and fabulosity. So I'm not going to worry about if Andrew writes me back again or not. I've lived enough dreary days. If love doesn't exist in my future then maybe at least I can have a little fun. Right?
Though... I may have to track him down if just so that I can fell those soft lips of his against mine. he's just so... different from what I'm used to. Normally I don't really seem to go out with his type. I don't know, I guess I was always attracted to the strong, silent type. There is still something about a man in armor that just makes me want to... well, get him into something silk. To help show him there is more to live than armor and battles. Sometimes it's more fun to play at battles... who am I kidding, it's ALWAYS more fun to play than fight. Though I will admit there is something about being in a battle with someone. That quality that gets your heart pounding and your blood flowing and the overwhelming need afterward to celebrate what life has to offer. Okay, now I'm making myself want to go fight somewhere just for that exhileration. I think I'll ask Zira and Raz if they're planning anything soon. I need to get out. It'll be a little while before there will be anymore parties at the Arms I guess since that fire. I still wonder if that Blackwatch guy will call on me. He was cute, if a little stuffy and businesslike. Maybe he isnt' always like that? He did tell me he thought I was beautiful after all though.
He might come back.
Oh, who am I kidding... AGAIN! I can't help it. I'm totally boy crazy still.
Zira is going to be disappointed in me. Sorry in advance little sister. Maybe your expectations of me are simply unrealistic. I mean, seriously, one person only?! That's just not fair! It's like if someone said before you ever tasted food before that you had to pick which one was your favorite based on what you thought it might taste like. Just because it looks like it might be good doesn't mean it actually will be. Or maybe it'll upset your stomach. Maybe you're allergic to it! Well I've tasted food. I've tasted plenty. Some was good, and some was horribly bad. But I tried two ways of dealing with it. One way, the first way- was to stop eating completely. That simply made me feel worse- and not to mention skinnier. And the second way was the opposite. I tried so many different dishes but never really finished any of them. Just tasted everything I saw in hopes that I could get that bad taste from my memory. But that just left me feeling unsatisfied.
So I think I will just keep looking for my favorite food... maybe. But if I can't really narrow it down to just one I can try to enjoy the ones I do try. i think that might work better for me.
-
I don't know what's gotten into Raz. He's acting a bit odd.
But I feel like designing again. And drawing... I love it again. For a while it was so strained. It really did feel like work but now once again I feel like myself. Like my drawings are just putting myself on a page again. I've even thought about trying to paint rather than just charcoal sketches. The charcoal is able to put in so much expression where even colors wouldn't work, but maybe I should try. Colors always make things better right? At least in clothes. When people wear drab and boring colors, browns, taupes, tans, and... well... blech, cotton and linen, their posture changes. They slouch more, as if their clothes is causing so much of a weight on them that they can't even hold their head up high. Some people say clothes make the man. But sometimes maybe that's true. It's not that the clothes are better than the person, but if you don't look your best, how can you feel your best?
Me personally... I love pink.
-
*a few pieces of parchment are folded and stuffed in between the pages in some places the words are scratched out and replaced by others until the finished draft seems mostly complete*
Sing to me your words of love
From silken tongue and voice
Let your melodies unfold
And let my soul rejoice
Write to me with promises
Touch me with honesty
For rare are those who speak as this
To open completely
Caress me with your touch so soft
Send shivers to my toes
The time together spent so short
My longing each day grows
Sing to me oh sing to me
And hold me in your arms
I fight but still I find myself
Surrendering to your charms
I feel a fire deep inside
A passion screaming to be free
But chains of past agressions hold
To threaten to enlsave me
I hear the words of Ilsare's love
A love to hold but not confine
But how can it be? Or should I seek
The one who's love is pure Divine?
They say the Muse will set me free
And yet they tell me to commit
To only one forever more...
I'd rather jump into a Pit.
Can it be I'll find a love
To give me roots but also wings?
Perhaps I'll look and someday find
The one for whom my own soul sings
I'm not going to say it
Heck no, no way
Pesky little sister
Shut up and go away
Let me just enjoy myself
Don't spoil my fun
Stop it, you're teasing me
You'll make me want to run
It's just that the sun
It came out today
Did you see it?
Look there! A yellow ray!
I smelled a rose today
I felt the rain
I heard the birds
Gone was the pain
I feel alive again today
Stop looking like that!
It's not what you think
I know what you're getting at.
It isn't love
Nope, not at all
I know better than that
I know better than to fall
-
I'm.... *ink drips on the page*
I'm without words.
-
I don't think I like Rofirein. Not so much those that follow him, but I don't think I like the god all that much. Why would he make it so that his followers were so afraid of passion and love that they couldn't even manage to look at a woman for fear of temptation? I mean, sheesh! Sure, you're a priest, but you're not dead for crying out loud! I was drinking. It was good. I felt more relaxed and clear-headed (with a good bit of fuzz to soften all that clarity) and Danny came in and told me that I shouldn't be drinking and told me about how it was bad. I asked him when was the last time somebody hugged him. He said when he was a child. WHEN HE WAS A CHILD! That's HORRIBLE! What kind of god would make it so that nobody could even hug!?! And then he said one of the most craziest things! He said that Rofie is going to pick out a woman for him to love. HOW?! How on this whole big great green land is ROFIE going to tell somebody how to love?! He told me that he wouldn't even KISS a woman until he had married her. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT!? THAT'S NUTS! And not to mention, on top of everything he thought that looking at a woman with need, or wanting, to desire a woman means that "the Harlot" has managed to get her way into his thoughts. Does Rofie require his priests to be DEAD?! He bit his lip so hard trying to run away from me because of the need... the mortal need... that I saw in his eyes when he looked at me. I told him to stop and I blotted his lip to stop the bleeding. He asked me if that was passion. Passion? To help someone with a cut lip? No, I told him it was Caring. I do care. Why the hells do I still care so much!? I kissed my finger and touched his lip because I knew if I tried to kiss him again he'd probably run out screaming and I didn't need a scene. He shuddered. He shuddered the same way Andrew did when I fixed his finger when he stuck it with a needle after I scared him because I surprised him by coming to Hempstead instead of waiting for him to come see me again. Why are men like that? Why is it that they can say one thing and then look at me like I'm still just a piece of meat... Well... not always, but still... you get the idea. That's why I can't love Ilsare. Because she doesn't seem to think that there should be anyone out there that will love me for me. Who will give me the kind of love that I dream about. That sort of love doesn't exist. Heck, apparently even Rofie's think that there is one person out there for their people. Misguided and unnatural and just plain stupid and sick as it is... COME ON! Not kissing someone until AFTER you're married? That's ridiculous! How would you even know that they're any good at kissing. How would you know YOU are any good at kissing? Even if they DO get married... which apparently they have to before they kiss, if they're not compatible they're going to spend the rest of their entire lives not knowing that they could've had something better. Or being unsatisfied in their lives and not knowing why because they're so blind and stupid and think that they have to stay with that person because they're married and that Rofie must've picked them out for them. THAT'S INSANITY! Is that what following a god is all about? ARGH! It just makes me so mad that there are people out there who will treat other people badly based on some stupid ideal and forcing themselves to be someone that obviously they're not because they think they're serving a higher purpose when in actuality they're just being STUPID!
And I can't even talk to Raz about this because he LEFT ME. Why did he leave me? Because he doesn't like Andrew. Why doesn't he like Andrew? Because he says he's too much like himself when he was 100. So, I'm getting punished because I wanted to be with someone that made me feel special, even if I know that I'm really not special, I'm just one in a million, he made me feel special when I was with him.
I give up. I'm leaving here and going to find some pretty places where I can scream my frustrations to the world and let them echo back and around me. I'm going to the watchtower. Then after that... who knows. Maybe there will be something else I can do. If nothing else, I still have the rest of that bottle with my name on it.
-
I'm so stupid. I can't believe I never thought of it before. Raz and I were talking about stuff, and then he mentioned Steel and how it's the EW's fault that he got locked up and now they're going to kill him. I can see that. He said it's because she got pregnant and obviously it can't be Blue's kid, so he probably said something about it and she got him arrested and framed for something after she burned down his inn. Helloooooo! That's why she's the EW! So I said something about how I hope Andrew doesn't know her, and he said that's not hard since he probably isn't studying at the Tower Academy. I slapped my own forehead. I'm so stupid. That's where I send his letters. Of course he knows her. Raz says that maybe he doesn't know her and that I should probably just ask him, but come on, he's beautiful. He's the most beautiful human I've ever seen before. And as evil as she is, if you don't know that she's evil she could be pretty. I know the first time I saw her I thought she was pretty. Until she REARED HER UGLY HEAD AT ME and the HORNS came out of her skull and she tried to convince me that she was taking away my magic because she countered EVERY SINGLE SPELL that I threw at her! Before she stalked me and tried to trick me into saying that Raz was my brother, before I realized that she stole Aislin away from Raz and would never let him see her ever, before she then dangled that in front of him and made him all sad because he knew he'd never get to know his OWN DAUGHTER.
Yeah. She's evil. And Andrew knows her. Maybe that's why he's been so happy lately. I was right. I'm nothing special. I'm just one in a million.
I'm glad I hadn't gotten attached... too much.
But I guess I can ask him.
But she better not ever come over again and eat pie.
Not even blue pie.
And I hate blue pie.
*ink drips on the page as if she held her quill there for a long time*
Maybe instead of being mad I should just think about that last time we were together. If he hadn't gotten lost and turned into the crypt...
But then when we went to the other one... and he fell. To see his body lying there so still... and watch it dissipate... I hope he was pulled to the stone, that he'll be back. I haven't heard from him. I hope he's alright.
I hope that we'll be able to...
I just hope he's okay.
-
Okay, so I talked to Zira... a lot. I asked her if she would talk to me as a priestess and not as my sister, but she said that she'd try, but kind of hard to separate the two things. And well... we talked a lot about a lot of stuff. She's got her own ideas about how some stuff is, and how I feel about some stuff and I don't think she's entirely right but she thinks I'm just fooling myself.
Well, to make a long story short... I think I've decided that I don't think I'm a "follower" of Ilsare, but if she wants to be friends with me I'm okay with that. We both sort of like the same stuff... with the exception of archery and that her view on love and my view on love don't mesh. I'm still not into that whole one person for one person thing. But I can forgive her for that if she's okay with me not agreeing. It'd be nice to have a goddess for a friend actually. Especially one with as much style as Ilsare seems to have. Friends with Ilsare... yeah, I guess I can handle that much.
-
Oh geez... apparently I'm being talked about. As if being stuck in jail for days and then in the stocks for most of a day wasn't bad enough considering that it was their own government official's fault that I was there in the first place isn't bad enough. *sighs* Saddest part is... I have no idea what they're saying. They better get the story right! Making people bribe you so that you can do the right thing is WRONG!
-
Well, we were going to go to Hempstead together, but we got sidetracked... so we're still in Hlint for the time being. He's sleeping. He looks so peaceful when he sleeps. Makes it really easy to draw him too. Still not as good as the sketch I drew of him when he was sitting by the window the last time, but this one is good. The light comes through the windown and hits him just across the lower part of his face. I know when the sun rises a bit more it will shine across his eyes and wake him, but for now I think he needs the rest.
Andrew says I can talk to Ilsare. Because she's my friend, she'll listen to me. That I can talk to her out loud or I can just think it and she'll know. I think it's kind of creepy that she could read my mind, but he says that she just knows when it's her I'm talking to and otherwise she won't pry into my business. He said it's more that she reads my heart than my thoughts.
So I guess she knows how I feel then? I guess that could be good. I guess maybe that means that I have somebody to talk to even when I'm alone. Kinda weird, but Zira seems to like it. Maybe I'll try it some day. For now... I'm just not so sure.
And... my sleeping beauty is stirring.
-
To Ilsare,
You're supposed to care about peoples' hearts right? Well, if you're not too busy... do you think you could protect mine?
Your friend,
Zari
*there are a couple places on the page that look like water dripped on them*
-
*the handwriting is shaky*
I told him....
-
You know what's kind of funny? I poured out my soul into that storm. Everything. Every pain, every fear, every desire... and I feel raw, but at the same time... I'm still here. I told Andrew that I love him. And even in that I realize that it's okay to love him and still be me. I know I'm not going to be able to not look at a handsome man passing by. I'm not going to be able to not smile if someone pays me a compliment, and I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to resist a handsome man's attentions regardless of who I love. I'm not sure if Andrew would even love me, or if he does, or if he even could. I guess what I figured out in that storm... with the wave about to drown us all... it doesn't matter. I can't force someone to love me anymore than those others tried to force or convince me to love them. If it wasn't there, it just wasn't. With Andrew... same thing. My heart aches and yet it feels so much lighter than it has in so many long years. And above all else, I think I might've gotten this praying stuff down. Well, I'm not very good at it, but Ilsare must've accepted me as her friend because she kept me and my loved ones safe. It's pretty good having a friend like that I think.
Zira said something about going along with her to help her with an Ilsarian ring. Sounds like it could be fun. I found my mom's old pink necklace with a heart on it. I dont' think it's exactly like Zira's, but I like it. It goes with my outfits. And if nothing else, even if it has nothing to do with my friend Ilsare, I feel like I finally got the hold spell off my heart, even if for just a little while.
-
I taught Andrew a song. He said he collects songs so he wanted to know some in Elvish. I sang one of them for Raz and he said it made his heart soar. It was a song my mom used to sing when I was little before her light went out from her eyes. Maybe since I've been gone New Dad's been able to bring that light back to her. I hope so. Anyways.... the song goes
Aeym aaala lairela cena anira ceviran eo anira layl
Aeym nelalaala aloecw sa illw cailela sa ylwela
E anilna aeym irillw irama, illw eym laam ceoa favyl
Eym wila amecc fa laeel amiral aey illw E ilma ela
ela ceoa oemaelam
Ela ceoa anevaaniram
aeym ceviran illw sa ceviran nyesfelaw
Ela irailman maqueenyelv
Ela laelv ela eleenyelv
Eym ceela leam oemaelam alanamelaw
E ceen ane aeym laseca ane maillalayma sa eo anesemmeam
E nleam anirilan aey ceela sa oem aanamleana
E nleam anirilan ane irecw aey amecc tyillala ilamila ilcc laemmeam
Illw cailela sa ameanir tyailnya illw laamaleana
ela ceoa oemaelam
Ela ceoa anevaaniram
aeym ceviran illw sa ceviran nyesfelaw
Ela irailman maqueenyelv
Ela laelv ela eleenyelv
Eym ceela leam oemaelam alanamelaw
//Translates to:
Your eyes shine like the light of the sun
Your kisses enfold me and leave me undone
I take your hand here, and our new life begun
Our day will be soon when you and I are one
one life forever
One life together
your light and my light combined
One heart rejoicing
One song is voicing
Our love now forever entwined
I look to your smile to reassure me of tomorrow
I know that you love me for eternity
I know that to hold you will pass away all sorrow
And leave me with peace and serenity
one life forever
One life together
your light and my light combined
One heart rejoicing
One song is voicing
Our love now forever entwined
-
Once again, Raz's insight has left me feeling a bit foolish. So, even though I still feel like I love Andrew, I know that I would never do to him what was done to me. I know he doesn't love me, but I won't change that with anything that I can do. Sooooo.... I have to trust in Ilsare I guess. I figure if she's agreed to be my friend then I have to trust her like I would my friend. If she's my friend that means she loves me, and if she loves me, I'm not cursed by her. So if I'm not cursed by her that means that there is someone out there who has the capacity to love me the way that I want to be loved. Who knows... maybe more than one? But the fact is, if I'm willing to drop everything for someone that I care about, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make the person that I love feel better, even if all it is is to hold them and pat their head and tell them it will be alright, or make them a special dinner (even though I really can't cook) or pour a bath for them when they're tired and need to relax, and know just the right temperature they like it, or just the right way to make them smile...
why is it that I've always felt that I deserve less? Because I've always felt that to do so would be selfish? Maybe. But maybe I deserve to be loved too. Even if it's just to love myself enough to realize that I deserve to be loved.
-
I got up on stage and told a story! In front of people! And they didn't boo me! It was fun... I might have to do it again someday. Different story of course. This one was easy though. I told one that was true, I just... well... changed a few things is all. I don't think I won anything, but I don't care. I had fun. The other stories that were told were really good too. Well the ones I heard anyways. I think I could go to another one of those types of things again though.
-
I went to the gathering at the "Arms". It was really fun. I sang a couple songs too. I tried to sing songs that had meaning... and well, they meant something. At least to me they did.
Oh! and I have a date with Danny!
Oh! and I met a guy with wings!
Bring on the Rain (this one I wrote myself...)
When the wind howls across the plains
and the skies darken on the horizon
When thunder bellows in the hills
and lightning flashes out it's warning
Bring on the rain.
Bring on the rain, we'll endure it.
Bring on the war, we'll ensure it
We'll win this fight we'll weather the storm
We'll win the day against all harm
Bring on the rain
When we see the tides coming in
and the waves threatening to drown us
When we hear the call to arms
and the soldiers gearing up for battle
Bring on the rain.
Bring on the rain, we'll endure it
Bring on the war, we'll ensure it
We'll win this fight we'll weather the storm
We'll win the day against all harm
Bring on the rain.
The fight is only hard if we let it take our spirit
Sound the call of triumph so that everyone can hear it
Bring on the Rain
Bring on the rain
Bring on the pain
We'll endure to the end
and we'll stand and defend
Bring on the rain.
-
Oh... this is the other song I sang at the Arms thing. I like it. I didn't write it, but I really like it.
Someone Else's Story (//from Chess//)
Long ago, in someone else's lifetime
Someone with my name who looked a lot like me
Came to know a man and made a promise
He only had to say and that's where she would be
Lately although the feelings run just as deep
The promise she made has grown impossible to keep
and yet
I wish it wasn't so
Will he miss me if I go?
In a way, it's someone else's story
I don't see myself as taking part at all.
Yesterday the girl that I was fond of
Finally could see the writing on the wall.
Sadly she realized she'd left him behind
And sadder than that she knew he wouldn't even mind
And though
there's nothing left to say
Would he listen if I stay?
It's all very well to say you fool it's now or never
I could be choosing no choices what-so-ever
I could be in someone else's story
In someone else's life- and he could be in mine.
I don't see a reason to be lonely
I could take my chances further down the line
And if that girl I knew would ask my advice
Oh I wouldn't hesitate, she needn't as me twice
"Go now!"
I'd tell her that for free
Trouble is the girl is me
The story is the girl is me
(// YouTube - Someone Else's Story (Jennifer Beth Glick Schaffer) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y7zH6s97BFY&feature=related) )
-
I really don't see what is so hard to understand! Do the right thing, do what makes peoples' lives better. It's not so much the what people do sometimes. Yeah, obviously the what matters, but sometimes the what people do is tainted or colored by the why people do things. Say a guy steals a loaf of bread. Yeah, stealing is wrong. I don't think people should steal, but maybe- just maybe the guy has 5 kids at home that are hungry because something happened and he's desperate and nobody would help him out? Stealing's still wrong, but maybe it's not AS wrong because that guy is stealing for the right reasons? The problem gets to where BAD people are doing bad things and then lying and saying they're doing them for good reasons when they really aren't. But when the law looks at it even the people who really aren't trying to do bad things just because they're doing bad things but are doing bad things or... against the law things...because there really is a good reason they're doing things. And what's worse is when people do things that are supposedly LEGAL but they're BAD! Just because a law is there doesn't mean it's a good one and there are lots of people who get overlooked by the law and they are doing really really bad things! It's not right when people have to get up and go do their job and go home and go to bed and they have nothing to show for it except that they get to do it all over again the next day. It's bad when people die and they just fade away and nothing they did every lasts or means anything because they never had the spark of inspiration to make them feel like they actually COULD do something good or meaningful. It's bad when the law says that's fine and good as long as they're quiet and they mind their business and they don't cause a fuss. Well gosh darnit! Sometimes people need a riot to realize what it is that they're missing! Sometimes people need something that will make them realize that they're worth more than just doing what they do and waiting to die and not knowing when that will happen and not even caring so long as they don't get in trouble with the law for causing a stir! People shouldn't be afraid to say what they feel and feel what they feel because if they do and someone else who makes the law says they don't like it. People shouldn't be afraid to say "I don't like that law. It makes me feel strangled." because Ilsare forbid that Rofirein might breathe fire down on them and lock them in the stocks for a day or more. Or HECK! What if they actually lock them away forever because they had the nerve to speak ill against their precious Golden Dragon who didn't help them feed their families and DIDN'T give them anything to live for and DIDN'T care that the one and ONLY thing that they've seen in years that inspired them to HOPE for a better future got LOCKED AWAY! and they haven't seen it since?!
ARRRRRRGH!!!!!!!
Oh... and I think Danny's mad at me because I sorta kinda told him that the lawmaking body of Rofie is a mob. Eh... whatya gonna do? I still think he's cute, but seriously? I really wish he'd realize that sometimes you have to do what you have to do and you can't wait until it goes through committee. Sometimes the only choice is to act on feeling, and know that you're doing the right thing.
He says that since I paid my "debt" for my "crimes" he has no quarrel or ill feelings towards me. As far as what I did though... I'd do it again. It was the right thing.
-
Huh... know what? it's been a long time since I've written in here and I just looked at the last thing I wrote. Apparently I was pretty mad when I wrote it. Huh. oh well. I still was right.
-
Okay, I pulled this out and I swear it had another book around it just in dust! It's been forever since I really felt like writing anything I guess. I mean, I've painted, I've designed... I've gone on a few dates, but life's been sort of bleak for the last few years. Really ever since Steel's head went rolling across the town square...
Speaking of Steel, I saw him recently. He's got a lot of strong men working with him from the look of things. I don't know, maybe I really do have bad taste in men.
He wanted me to design something for two women. One of them, sure, no problem, the other one, not a chance in any of however many pits there are. So I designed a couple outfits for Steel's girlfriend Darthirae. Hope she liked them. I don't know how she reacted to them honestly.
Okay, so really the reason I pulled this thing out is that someone walked into the house yesterday. Well... he knocked, I opened the door and invited him in... you get the idea. So he walks in, and I'm thinking, sure probably another customer, someone who needs help with their wardrobe right? No... he was dressed in a great outfit, well suited to his complexion and build... and be still my heart is he good looking! The funny thing was, he sort of dismissed me, like I was the hired help or something. He called me "Elf" and told me, not asked, TOLD me to go get his cloak that he was buying from Raz so he could inspect it. He's an elf too mind you... Though it was weird. Suddenly he saw my Moment ring and then it was almost like he just visibly relaxed, he was looking at all the paintings we have in our collection and asked me if they were mine. I told him mine were upstairs, so I showed him my work, Raz's sculptures, etc. We went up into the attic to the studio because the cloak was up there. Turns out he's a bit of a musician too, and asked me if I wanted some wine, which I found out later he actually made himself. It was good too. I think I made a mistake though. I touched his face at one point and he got all abrupt and stood up. He gave me a rose, but then it was almost like I couldn't slow him down as he all but ran from the house.
I really must have lost my touch...
I hope I see him again though. He's different.
-
I think I realized why I date humans. They aren't nearly so scary as elves.
-
Okay... I had a little bit more time to think about it. So... here's the thing.
I went on a... well, I'd say it was a date, but really only parts of it could really count as a date. We went on a boat ride from Leringard to Hempstead. He didn't seem all that happy with me for being friendly to the sailors on the trip, but he didn't seem all that happy when I flirted with him, so how am I supposed to know? I touched him the first time and he ran. As like he was afraid of catching the plague or something. Then we went and he crafted a few things. He's odd. One moment he would be sweet and seemed to like me and then the next minute it was like he either didn't want me there with him, or didn't care if I was or not.
So then he suddenly announced that he was hungry and going to eat dinner at the pub. So.... um... he forgot to actually -ask- me if I wanted to go. I made up the conversation the way it -should- have gone. I'm not sure if he got the hint or not. But we went to the pub and he jumped up to pay for dinner and asked me what I wanted. He FINALLY asked me what I wanted! and then we had dinner. We listened to their resident singer, and he was alright, and we talked. He smiled some, but then at the end I asked him when was the last time he'd been kissed, and he sort of freaked out and said he was going to get a room. That time it wasn't an implied invitation at all, no he wanted me gone.
So I let him go.
I went and had some of the "hard stuff" as Raz calls it. Cherry juice. In a shot glass of course. But then there started to be all these crashes and the sounds of breaking items. The innkeeper ran off and grabbed a club and I followed. It was my "date". I tried to calm down the innkeeper and gave him a few hundred trues to pay for the damages. He took the money and told me to get him out of there, and I pushed Gel back in his room. The place was a wreck. He yelled at me to get my hands off him, which I did... and then he punched the wall. I heard something crack... and I dont' think it was the wall. His hand looked a mess, but I had no idea what to do for it. I'm not a healer... He sang a few notes though and his hand seemed to get a bit better.
I'm not entirely sure what happened after that. I sat down and told him to sit with me and I started massaging his hands. He relaxed a lot. I asked him why he broke all of the stuff and he said it was because he was angry, because he was a coward. Because I was scary to him. I told him he could ask me stuff so he'd know me better and then I wouldn't be so scary, and he asked... and I think I answered.
The thing is... I don't think he knows just how much he scares me. It's not the temper... I don't think he'll hurt me... he was more like a scared wounded animal. And as much as I dislike animals for some reason it was different with him being a man. But I haven't dated an elven man in.... how long has it been since I left Voltrex? At least more than twenty years? A one night stand or a brief fling here and there doesn't count. And I'm not saying that I'm going to actually -date- date him. Besides, even if I ever wanted to I'm not sure that he would really want to be with me. He says I'm beautiful and he talks about my eyes as if they are a light from a forge? I.... think? that's a compliment?
But he told me he hadn't kissed a woman in 80 years. I hope that he doesn't wait another 80 years before he kisses me like that again.
UNFORTUNATELY, even though I lost on purpose to him playing Chess, House Rules even, I touched one of these odd tattoo-like scars he has... and he pulled his jacket on quicker than a brownie monk and ran again like he suddenly realized he was with a half-orc instead of me.
Ilsare... I'm so confused... I need some help here. We're still friends right? A little help would be good.
-
We've been seeing each other off and on for weeks now. We fight all the time... but we always make up. He's posessive, he gets angry, he's jealous, and I don't think he understands me very well, and yet I can't seem to let myself let him go. There is so much of him that reminds me of Eldarian, and so much more that is so different. I keep looking over at him. He's peaceful right now, laying in my bed, but he isn't always at peace even in reverie. I think sometimes that his dreams haunt him even more than mine haunt me. He calls for Larina. He said that was his wife's name.
I wonder if one day he'll wake up and realize that I really am not his dead wife. That I'm nothing compared to what she was to him. And that when he realizes this, he'll realize he really doesn't need me anymore.
I know that when I talked to Janice at the Breath that I said I knew that I was worth waiting for someone that Ilsare would pick for me. Whether it was someone to love briefly or over a long period of time. That was years ago, and yet, I've tried to remain open. But now that I'm here looking at someone who says he wants to be with me, I'm so terrifed to say yes. Opening up is terrifying. If I told him everything, how am I supposed to know that he'll accept me for that? I don't want to accept it myself, but I don't have a choice. He does. He could leave. I've asked him so many times to leave. I've told him that it's safer for him, that I only hurt people. The only person I didn't hurt was simply because he didn't love me. But everyone who's ever thought they loved me except maybe Raz... Raz does love me, maybe that's the difference... has been hurt, or gone nuts... or just... I've destroyed them.
I don't want to destroy this one. But maybe that's my problem? Am I only capable of loving when the other person doesn't love me back?
Have I ever been in love before? I don't think so. I'm scared. What if love turns me into a crazy person. What if Gel and I both go crazy and hurt each other? We already are fighting. He says he likes fighting with me because it's honest, and as long as we make up, the making up is worth it. But how much is worth it? How much yelling and screaming before things get violent? How long can he keep himself calm if I talk to my friends before he decides that's not enough and wants to shut me away in a room somewhere so that I'm only his?
Am I making things too big? Am I scaring myself?
He asked me about Raz. Raz told him that I have trouble resisting him. How could I tell him that what Raz really meant was that he tries to build up my resilience against my fear of what Eldarian did to me? I can't tell him what happened to me. He was worried that Raz was competition. Why does that word alone make me terrified? As if Gel had to compete with everyone else and I was the prize to be won... it's wrong. Why can't it just be that i want to be with him and he wants to be with me, and let the world fall away... like it did last night? Why is every day a struggle? I'm fine with fighting for what you believe in, and fighting for what's right... but is love really something you have to fight for... by fighting with the person you're supposed to be trying to learn to love? Is that what we're doing? Fighting to get the chance to know each other?
Ilsare, when we became friends I asked you to protect my heart. Please... protect me now.
I think I'm going to go paint a bit before he gets up. Maybe if I paint my fears onto canvas I can let them out so they won't haunt me anymore. Then I can do what I want with them. I can destroy them, or I can let them go.
-
Yep... I really have gone nuts. I actually told Gel'larian he could stay with me. I've given keys away before so people could come and go as they pleased but... this... would be a first. He says he's going to cook for us. I think I'm just nervous. I must've been drunk when I gave that key away. Oh wait... I was drunk. What was I thinking!?
-
*Two letters are placed carefully inside her journal after what looks like they were read over and over again.*
Dearest Zari,
I am writing you this as I am trapped in Hlint right now because of some silly plague that is spreading. It seems only to affect humans so it is all just a formality for me. I have been spending time in the flower beds at the temple here and I am soothed by it's calmness. I watch the artists at work and I know that at least something is being created that is good.
But there is something that weighs on me, even so far from Leringard. It is your nightly disturbances in your dreams and in your heart. I know you suffer these things with the courage that makes you the amazing woman you are, but I want to tell you this: if it is too much to bear in your life, if you are not getting the help you need, if there is anything, no matter how small, that you require I will do it, all you must do is ask.
I know you protest that you will only hurt me, but you must understand this: after you fell in that giant cave, my fear fell away with you. I could see, in that moment, that to have you and be wounded is better than to not have you at all. I am not afraid to be hurt by you and I hope I can prove myself worthy of the same trust.
I cannot wait to find you in my arms again, and until then here is a poem I wrote last night
" We lie alone under stars,
We look up and see the same light,
So find we ere joined"
Be Held in The Muses Arms,
Gel'larian
Dear Zari,
I just returned from a hunting trip on Alindor, and was sad to find nothing more here, than your scent on your pillow. I will have to enjoy that while I may for it too shall fade. I hope you are in Hurm to see about purchasing the only tavern we have ever enjoyed together, as I think that would be an eminently thoughtful present.
As to the thought that your past being a little more open to me would drive me away, I should say the opposite has happened. I long to hold you and see those pools of gold look back at me. Until you return, and I hope it shall be soon, all I will have to fill my time with other things. At any moment you can imagine me either trying to carve a violin bow from oak or carving runes of power in to an arrow shaft. For I will not leave here for any other purpose except to meet you at port.
From My Heart to Yours,
Gel'larian
-
Okay...
How do I keep myself from screwing this up? I know I push him away, and I don't want to, but I'm afraid to pull him too close because then he really WILL want to run away. Why is it that it's so hard? And why oh why did I blurt out what I think I probably felt but didn't mean to say just out of the blue?! and then on top of that he said it's okay without actually telling me what I said because he knows too well that it'll terrify me. How can I call myself Ilsare's friend if love still scares the skirt off of me? Okay, well I know Ilsare and I are still friends, but I seriously start feeling like my heart is in my throat whenever I think about things. And then when I was looking at flowers because I just felt like buying Gel a flower to see if he knew what it meant, the purple one stood out so much more than the others, so I bought it. And I gave it to him. And I asked it what it meant.
Love at first sight.
Seriously?
That's what Zira always says to me when she talks about us... and then the rose... and what i blurted.
Okay, Ilsare, I get it. are you trying to tell me something? Really? Because I think I'm hard of hearing... But you're YELLING AT ME!
-
Thank you Ilsare for being my friend. I'm still scared. I'm still worried. But maybe it will be okay after all. Just um... please don't let me kill him again... or... accidentally cause him to be killed.... or something like that.
I took Gel back to Voltrex. We managed to make it past customs even though we had to wait a waaaaaaay long time. Finally they let us through after warning us sternly that we couldn't stay forever and then gave us passes for a specified amount of time. I don't know what that time was, I stopped paying attention and then never really looked at it except when we had to hand them back when we left. I hadn't been back since I left, but Gel had never been there before. So I figured I was having to face a lot of other fears I might as well get this one over with and at least show him a part of the world he hadn't been to before. He said he wanted to see the world with me. So I showed him what used to be my world. It's odd really coming back now. I never really saw the trees as that tall or short in either place, they were just trees. But now coming back from Voltrex, the trees on Mistone and Dregar are... puny. Oh well. They're still just trees right?
He says I have a piece of his heart. I wonder if he knows he holds pretty much all of mine now.
-
Soooo......
Honesty. It's harsh and brutal, but it's, well... honesty. It's real. And it's so weird because I actually find myself oddly enjoying? fighting with Gel? Is that even possible? I mean, I hate fighting with him, but it gets my blood going in ways that feels even more intimate than anything else I've ever done before. To be able to yell at someone and be angry with them, even when we say things we don't mean to say to hurt each other, and know that in spite of all that... I know he'll still be there in the morning. I don't know if that makes it more terrifying or more freeing or what. It's new. I feel like I'm pulled to him at all times whether I can feel him near me or not. I can feel him, his magic, his spirit, and when he gets closer to me I feel on fire, like the heat of a thousand suns and I can't control any of it. It's horrible and awesome and wonderful all at once and I can't seem to do anything except ride the tides and hope that with each new argument, with each time we make up, with each kiss, touch, gesture, look... the passion we feel won't go away. What happens when it does? Will it? He says he feels more alive than he has ever felt. It's true. I feel more alive and more free when he's there. Even when he is jealous, even when he does silly things that make me so completely frustrated... I can't do anything about it. I wouldn't want him to change to be someone he thinks I want. I've done that. It never works.
I want him to be him. I want me to be me. And I want us to be us...together.
-
Oh..............my.............Goddess......
My soul is on fire. Sometimes I think it must be obvious to anyone nearby. The feeling just radiates out of my skin, like I can hardly contain myself. Sometimes it comes out in anger, jealousy, rage... a temper I never really realized I had. Sometimes it's an overwhelming need, desire, love... ecstacy... It's painful and wonderful at the same time. Overwhelming either way. Gel was given a Band. It wasn't by Janice, it was from someone else who had the band already. Still, I know he's thrilled with the gift. One of these days I can't wait to go back to the Breath of the Muse with him, but for now he said he wants to visit my parents when we last went to Voltrex, so here we go again. The boat leaves at first light. I'm not exactly sure what's going to happen really. I'm nervous, but I think I would do anything for Gel, so since he wanted to meet them... we're going. Hopefully they won't run him off...
-
How can people sit around and just not do something when something bad happens? If a child is kidnapped, heck if ANYONE is kidnapped, why would nobody go to look for them? Because nobody wanted to involve the law? Okay, so what? Why do you have to have the law behind you in order to do the right thing? Why would anyone let someone just get away with taking someone that they say they supposedly love? People are stupid and weak and crazy for not doing something. They let bad people get away with stuff because they lack the will and the fire to do something. They stand around and say "I want to kill that son of a she-wolf that did this" or "What I'd do if I could get my hands on the person that did this horrible thing!" but they they just STAND THERE. Just talking about how horrible it is doesn't change anything! Why does everyone look at me like I'm nuts when I refuse to sit around and waste time when people tell me that someone has taken children and I'd rather go out there and bring them back rather than letting someone take them into a deep dark hole that they may never come back from? Why is it that I'm somehow the foolish one when I'm not willing to wait around for people to discuss things in committee? Meanwhile, while they're debating on the right course of action, children are being taken farther and farther from the light and Goddess only knows what is happening to them.
Why did nobody come to find me before I'd had to spend three months gone?
Zira's pregnant. I've tried but I just can't be happy for her. I feel nothing but anger and resentment. Danny said he thinks I'm jealous. Maybe I am. I don't want kids, certainly not right now. But what would they say if I told them that I would've had a child that would be fifty something by now? What would they say if they realized that the reason I'll never have any children is because I took the right to life away from the one I could have had then. Would they even understand why I did what I did? Pits, I'm not sure I even know why I did what I did, but I can't change it now. Yeah... I know why I did what I did. I knew that I couldn't have a living reminder of what happened.
But it doesn't mean I haven't thought about it. It doesn't mean I don't regret part of it.
It doesn't mean that every time Zira acts tired, or gets sick because of the not one, but TWO babies she carries, every time she says "I'm pregnant" or "I'm tired because I'm pregnant," or "help me, I'm pregnant," or "Congratulate me, I'm pregnant" I don't want to slap her in the face. When it happened to me there were no congratulations. There was horror. There was covering up. There was disgrace. Nobody would talk about it. When I got rid of it my mother was even more horrified than when she realized in the first place, and yet in spite of that I think she was relieved. New Dad just thought I was suffering from some mental condition that caused me not to think clearly because of my "ordeal." That if we just didn't talk about it, if we ignored it, if we pretended that nothing ever happened then it didn't happen. That I would somehow forget it over time. That it wouldn't haunt me for the rest of my life. Well here it is over fifty years later and I can still see it as clearly as if it was yesterday. I can still feel my own knife in my own stomach as I twisted it to get rid of what was put there without my permission. I can still hear my mother scream as she found me on the floor in my bedroom and feel the healing potion she poured into me to heal my wounds. It kept me from dying. Maybe Aeridin revoked my permission to ever have children that I actually wanted some day for what I did. Maybe I don't deserve them after that. The Aeridinite cleric that my father brought to us said that the wounds had healed, but they had not been regenerated. That even though I would live and even the scars on the outside would not be noticeable, the scars on the inside would make it highly unlikely that I would ever conceive again.
Thanks a lot Aeridin. Thanks for your blessing and your curse. You gave me my life back. But now because of that I'll never be able to give the man I love something that I think he'll want some day. So maybe our love will never truly be what he'll want forever. Because one of these days he'll realize I'm damaged goods. He'll find someone better. He tells me he won't, but how can he know?
*tear drops seem to be dropped on the page at random places, smearing the ink a bit*
-
Well, I was sifting through Gel's things and I found my old diary buried under a lot of other old things. I haven't written in a really long time. Gel's gone. He was gone to Belinara and fighting werewolves with SehKy and he was killed. I'm angry. At first I didn't believe it. Mostly, I just couldn't believe that SehKy wouldn't bring him home to me, that he would send a letter telling me he was bringing his body to the Breath of the Muse instead. I thought maybe it was a sick joke. But it was real. Who DOES that kind of thing?! I mean, really... I don't think my heart was beating the entire way from Leringard to the Breath and when I got there, I could hardly catch my breath. I just wanted to hit something. I wanted to hit SehKy. I did hit him, and even still then I hoped that it was just a really bad joke, and that the body of my love laying there would just magically mend in spite of the horrible claw marks that covered him, that tore him to shreds. I didn't want it to be real. I kept hoping and praying that he'd open his eyes and he'd come back to me.
But he never did.
It's been over a year now. At first I could barely even move, or get up. I didn't want to live anymore. I felt like my heart had died with him, but no matter how many times I begged Ilsare to let me go with him, She wouldn't let me. I tried to take matters in my own hands, but I chickened out. It hurt so bad just to breathe. I couldn't see colors anymore. It was all just a blended shade of gray. Nothing mattered anymore.
It still hurts. Some days a lot worse than others. I'm still not sure that I'll ever find a love like that again. It wasn't easy to find him or wait for him in the first place, and then he had to go off and die. I still hate SehKy. I don't know that I can forgive him. He won't leave me alone, and every time I see him I feel what I felt when I first read the stupid letter he sent me, and then I see Gel's shredded body lying there in the Breath of the Muse when I first laid eyes on him. I know it's mean, but I wish it had been SehKy's body there, not Gel's. Seeing him hurts.
I've sort of made a new friend that has been helping me through this stuff, and he's helping me live again at least. It's not the same as having Gel here, but nothing will ever be the same again. I know it's probably a bad idea, and I'll probably get hurt out of it, but there's something in this guy that makes me have to try. I can't imagine being in a place where I had to keep all of my emotions bottled up inside at all times.
Zira's not thrilled. She says Ilsare hates him. Yeah, so maybe Gel would hate him, too. But Gel's not here anymore to scold me or look out for me or be here with me and you know what? I'm MAD at him too. I'm mad at him for dying. I'm mad at him for leaving me here alone without him. I'm mad at him for going that day with SehKy. I'm mad at him for forgetting that archers are supposed to fight at a distance. I'm mad at him for hurting me. I'm mad at him for making me cry and making it hurt so bad that I can't breathe. I'm mad at him for all of the unfulfilled promises he made to me because he's not here anymore to fill them. I'm mad at him for the children that he wanted with me that even though I knew we'd never have them, now I know that it really won't ever happen. I'm mad at the unfinished goals he had that he'll never complete. He promised me we'd be together forever. Well forever isn't finished for me, and he took the easy way out and now I have to deal with it. I'm mad because I don't know how to truly be myself anymore without him, and I'm mad that I have to try to figure out who I still am on my own without him. I'm mad that I can't smell him on my pillows anymore and that I am alone in my bed. I'm mad that every time I do anything I second guess myself now because I have to think about what Gel would think. I'm mad that I hear his voice in my head, and I'm mad that making him jealous or angry or frustrated no longer matters because he's not here to make up with or fight with or tease or kiss. I'm mad that tactics no longer have any meaning.
And so I'm learning to be friends with a dark elf. Maybe because I'm mad at Gel. Maybe because there's more to this dark elf than the black on his skin. Maybe because he's the only one that seems to understand that I'm mad. Okay, maybe that's not totally true. Raz understands. Raz is mad too. Maybe I'm just looking for something else to live for because I wasn't strong enough to make myself or let myself die.
-
So, I have a name finally. He finally at least gave me that much. Granted, we had to pretty much have a fight over it, but I don't think I'm being unreasonable to want to at least know the name of my friend. I mean sheesh, that's sort of a basic thing isn't it? But I've been doing a lot of thinking about the subject of betrayal. Because he's been betrayed so he simply assumes that I'm going to betray him. But I've never betrayed a friend. Never. Never ever ever. In fact, I've probably gone way out on a limb for people when I shouldn't, but that's entirely besides the point. The fact is, I get that his whole culture has trained him to see us "paleskins" as he calls us as betrayers, and I know that I was told that the dark elves were betrayers. So from what I can see is neither of us knows who betrayed who, but I can tell that his race is cruel and mean and harsh and they don't hug each other nearly enough, and they obviously don't understand love or kindness or friendship because for some reason he thinks all of those things make him vulnerable instead of stronger, because really it makes you stronger to have people that love and care about and support you, not weaker. But I guess the point is, I know that if I look at the "paleskins" and the "darkskins" the "paleskins" may not have everything perfectly right and we sure enough have our own issues and problems, but on the whole, his kind is still evil and bad.
But what gets me so frustrated is that I'm not holding that against him and I'm trying to see past that because I at least can acknowledge that people can be one thing on the whole but a person is an individual and any individual person can be given a chance to show that they're special or different than those around them. But he doesn't seem to be willing to separate me from everyone else. And that's the problem. I know I can't just force someone to see me as me instead of just as part of the larger whole of elves that are not dark elves.
I was talking with this woman Breanna and she was telling me how she "made a mistake" and betrayed her friend because some other "friends" told her to. That doesn't even make any sense to me. I guess she was trying to make me see the other side of the story other than the one that I was seeing from a hypothetical situation because she betrayed someone before, but all it really did was make me take the side of the person she betrayed. I'd be mad, too. Honestly, if you're that concerned about pleasing other people you end up failing on all accounts in the long run. It's like when I was talking to that human in Center, Seb-something, and he was telling me that he would be anything that I wanted so that I would spend the night with him. The concept is completely worthless, changing who you are just to please someone else temporarily. On me it's just stupid because it's all just a big lie. I'm not saying I've never told lies before because that would be a lie, but there's a difference in levels of lying. People who just change who they are entirely bother me. Maybe they don't know who they are to begin with. Maybe they're just that insecure that they need the approval of everyone else around them, but I've had enough people not like me for who I am and not understanding me to know that at least I can still walk with my head held high. I still know that I'm the only one who can tell me who I am and how I should act, and that's freedom. Unlike people who are so concerned with other people that they've basically sold themselves into a form of social slavery where they let everyone and anyone else tell them and pressure them into how they should act and behave. It's just not that difficult. You just do the right thing. I don't understand why it's so hard for people to just do the right thing. It's easy. Don't hurt people who don't deserve it. Don't betray your friends. Stand by your word if you give it. Be nice to people that deserve it, but don't be afraid to tell people what you think even if it's not always the nice way if that's what needs to be said. It's like Raz always says when he says goodbye. "Live life and love life." It's simple. Some people call it common sense and common courtesy, but I don't get why it's so uncommon. Sure there are people out there that are polite, but polite people often just sit and watch while bad things happen. People that act as doormats for evil to happen might as well just be there being evil, too.
Nym, that's his name, says that I have a naive way of viewing the world, and that I am too black and white with evil and good, but I think he's just jaded, and jaded people can't see some of the simple goodness and simple evilness because they're too mixed up in things. He said he's a murderer. It turns my stomach. I honestly don't know what to say about it. If it's true, if he is a murderer, I have a hard time reconciling that as the person that saved my life and has helped me. But I can see it in that he's a dark elf. All dark elves are probably murderers. I guess technically, I'm a murderer if you look at the people that I've killed. I've killed a lot of people. Granted, they were all very bad people... but I've killed them. And other than the first couple that I killed, I admit that it doesn't keep me up at night anymore. Mostly because I know why I killed them. So, see? I don't just see the world in black and white.
I'm too tired to think about this anymore tonight. I think I'm going to punch Sar, or Nym, or Aerenir, or Caenthral or whatever it is that he wants to be called today the next time I see him, tell him to stop being a jerk and tell him to just get over the fact that he's afraid of being my friend and start acting like a real person instead of just a stupid dark elf.
-
I went to a party at the Silver Buckle, Andrew's inn. It was a gambling thing. I was doing alright and having a drink and trying to flirt with Vrebel. I don't know... I know Vrebel has always tried to flirt with me and I'm sure he'd probably love for me to actually completely reciprocate, but I just never have been able to do it. There's just something about him. He's not my type. Maybe it has to do with him thinking that Raz bought the house and let me move in with him for "favors" way back when. Yeah, so maybe I shouldn't hold grudges, but... oh well, maybe I do. So... I was trying to be okay. And now, thinking back, I should've known better because I was drinking "blue" again. Why is it that I can't handle blue? SehKy showed up in the middle of the game and I wasn't expecting him and it was all I could do to not fly across the table and hit him. I can't help it. Every time I see him I want to punch him. Well, he left a little while after that, and then I drank way too much blue. And after that it's a little fuzzy. Andy said it wasn't too bad and that he'll still invite me to his parties because not having me there would make them dull. He can't use his left arm right now either. He said he had a tattoo removed, but I had to ask him how he got a tattoo because when we were together I didn't remember seeing one. But he said he was kidnapped and tortured and tattooed by dark elves and he had to have it removed. Dark elves.
And so I guess that brings me into the next part. I think Ilsare is mad at me. Zira says yes she is, Raz says no she's not and Zira doesn't know anything about Ilsare. Apparently Raz forgot that Zira's a priestess. Anyways, where was I? Oh right. So, she's mad at me because of what I'm doing with a dark elf. I was with him and we killed bad guys and I died and my soul felt like it was ripped apart. I'm still here, but it hurt a lot and the recovery from it was a lot worse. And then the next time I went somewhere with "Sar", he died, and I got trapped, and I couldn't let Twinkie out to have her help me unlock the door that was trapping me because we both would've died, so instead of being able to kill the bad guy and then raise him, I had to wait until he went around a corner and didn't see me and then I pulled out a scroll... and it was like my soul had to be stretched and pulled and tortured just to find his. It hurt a lot. I brought him back, but it just burned. Apparently when he died, his soul was ripped apart like mine was the time before. So maybe his god is mad at him too. I told him it's a bad idea. Why oh why do I like bad ideas so much? I can't just walk away now. Ilsare should at least understand that much. I know there's something more there, and if I'm his friend I just don't walk out on my friends. Raz says Ilsare isn't mad, She's just worried. Zira says that Ilsare's just trying to give me a warning by hurting me so that I know I'm in danger. Sar says that his god doesn't like women. He wouldn't tell me why because he says he doesn't want to give information of his kind to "the surface." Seriously? I'm NOT the surface. I'm me. He says he sees me, not just me on the outside, but just me, but if he can see me then he's going to have to start seeing that I'm not "the surface"! Okay sure, he said that if he tells me something then I"ll probably tell Raz and Zira or I'll accidentally say something to someone else... which may be sorta kinda true just a little... okay maybe he does see me a little. But I haven't told anyone at all what Raz said about Zeke being Alatriel's son . I kept THAT a secret. I wish someone would give me a little bit of credit. So I think that what probably happened is that his god probably liked a woman and she didn't like him or something and so he decided he would turn all bitter and evil and such. It's always about love. That's just how these things happen. People can't handle it when people don't love them back, and some people really do turn evil I guess. So yeah... I'm sure it's about a woman. Raz thinks the reason the dark elves betrayed the surface elves was over a woman too. Who knows, maybe it was the same woman? But really, I wouldn't want to go follow whatever god it is that Sar follows. Why? Because I'm not a betrayer, and if I went and followed his god then I'd be turning my back on my friend Ilsare... who is already not happy with me. But really... if Ilsare wants me to follow my heart and my heart tells me that there's something for me to do here with my new friend in spite of everything else, in spite of what he looks like, or who he follows... shouldn't She understand that? Zira says I should just change him, but if I truly tried to change him, would I be being a good friend or would I be as bad as those so-called friends that made Breanna betray him in the first place?
Oh yeah, and I have to find out if Breanna was there when Gel died, because if she was then I get to punch her in the face, too. Sar won't let me otherwise because he says that if I do that then she'll know about us and that would put me and Raz and Zeke in danger, and it's better to just keep it a secret.
But I can't keep secrets from Ilsare.
-
Nym Stay Out Of My Journal!!!!!!
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Okay, so it's been a while, again, since I wrote anything. I've got to hide this stupid thing now so that nobody snoopy goes and reads what I don't want to be read. I don't consider it keeping secrets, but come on, a girl's got to have her outlet, right? I'll have to flip back pages to see if I ever wrote about Toby- Tobias- before, but I don't know if I did the first time I met him. That was a long time ago. Honestly, Raz and I sort of joked that he could have been another long-lost brother because he's a lot like the both of us, but he's not. Well, he's been gone for a long time, and now suddenly he's back again, and I'm not unavailable like I was last time.
So that's sort of part of the weirdness, because Toby's sort of like another missing piece, and that scares the absolute poo out of me. It sort of frustrates me too I guess. With Nym, even though he's dangerous and can be scary, and he likes making me feel completely off-balance and uncomfortable, I think I know where I stand with him, and while he won't ever admit that he loves me and all, I know that he would protect me likely as fiercely as Raz would if the situation called for it. But I don't worry that he'll break my heart and I don't honestly think there's anything that I could do to break his. I'm used to having him leave and return just whenever, and after spending time with him and then by myself and having him come back again, I actually feel like being alone is not the end of the world. Like I can be a whole person with just me if I have to be, even if it's not what I had thought I would have to be. The lonely nights still bring in the memories and the hurt and the loss and the pain, but knowing that I can live on my own two feet with the friends and people I care about still around me does bring comfort, and every now and then I don't have to spend my nights alone.
But then Toby comes back out of the blue and there's something that's so much more dangerous and terrifying about him being here. There's a real risk involved. Not just for me, but for him. I've driven men mad before, and I didn't mean to, and I don't want to do it again. He's not a human, so I can't blame it on human blood. But even though Toby really is nothing like Gel, he represents that same future that I lost when Gel died. Before Gel died I was content. I didn't feel restless like I so often do now. I could stay home and paint, or travel as I liked to see wonderful beautiful places and I didn't feel like I had to go out and fight the monsters and horrible things that I know this world holds. But without Gel, and knowing what took him away from me, I feel like I have to. If I don't go out and fight those monsters, who will? If someone misses them, who else will lose a loved one?
Toby's been hurt before. He knows the risks the same as I do, and I don't know if he's as scared as me, but he's offered me a new future. Not the same one that I lost, but similar enough that it brings back every memory of every hope and dream that Gel and I shared and each moment feels like pain reawakened. With him, as much as I love spending time with him, I feel guilty. I feel like if I give myself the possibility of moving on, I'm dishonoring Gel's memory, and everything that we had together.
I'm not ready. I know that. I don't know if he knows it, but I can't have that conversation. Not yet, not after we already had to deal with some of that baggage already and it was horrible. I'm also not ready to let go of Nym. Future or no future, I don't want to lose him.
I never thought Ilsare's domain was a simple one, but all of the pain that I thought had started to heal feels reopened, and now the lonely spaces between spending time with someone else feel even more pronounced. The wholeness I thought I was finally starting to find... it feels like it's going away again, and I'm really afraid that with that wholeness disappearing I'll end up back in that darkness. I don't want to go back in the dark, and this time, I just don't feel right about trying to fill up the space with another person. It's not fair to them if I can't be a whole person. With Gel I really thought that he and I were two pieces of a whole. I gave him my love, my loyalty, and my heart. When he died, those things went with him. To think about really offering them to someone else feels wrong. I don't know if Ilsare would tell me it's okay to love again, or if I should accept that I still love Gel and figure out how to live with that.
Or if I'm simply over-thinking all of this and making myself have all these stupid headaches and heartaches for no reason.
Maybe I should go play chess with Raz some more.
I finally won a game. Finally.
-
Guess I lost them both.
-
Dear Gel,
I miss you. I'm trying to put pieces together and things just keep falling apart again. I don't know who I was before you, but I know I was a mess. With you I was better. Now I don't know who I'm supposed to be. Nothing seems right. Even when I think I'm getting what I think I want, afterwards it doesn't feel right anymore. Do you want me to move on, or should I stay with what's left that I have of you? I wanted to follow you but I couldn't. Now I just feel lost. I don't know how to judge people anymore. I keep making choices that turn out to be bad. I know, you'd probably say I was always this way, but I just never felt that way before. I keep thinking that maybe I've got things together again, but it doesn't last.
I know you aren't going to read this, but I hope maybe somewhere you know what's been going on and that hopefully you're not mad at me. It's not any fun making you jealous when you're not here to make up with. And I realize now that I don't want to make anyone else jealous. It's not the same. And I keep getting hurt all over and I never thought I'd have to be in this place again, and now I am, and it's not fair. I'm still really mad at you for leaving me. I'm mad at you because you broke your promise and you left and now I'm lost and confused and I don't know what to do or where to go or how I'm supposed to keep going. I feel like every day is just trying to fill in spaces. Every time somebody comes along that I think maybe, just maybe I can keep going, and things might be okay, things just fall apart again because they're just not you.
It's been a long time. I thought I was getting better, but right now I don't feel better. Right now I feel betrayed and hurt and lied to. By you, by dark elves, by elf elves, and by promises that I don't know will ever be kept by anyone. If you couldn't keep your promise, then who can?
I know you won't write me back, but I wish you could.
Love always and forever,
Zari
-
A folded piece of parchment is tucked inside the pages of the journal.
Zarianna
Some time has passed since the last time we saw one another; rest assured that I will not be writing anymore of these lest it devolve in meaning to you as some form of guilt or concieted attempt to keep you from coming to terms with the situation we all found ourselves in of late, but I wanted you to know this. Hopefully, it will provide a small measure of balm to your feelings about what I have done; know that I expect nothing in return for it.
I left the War behind and those I served in the past as well and I do not know how much time will pass before they seek me out; if indeed they bother at all but I imagine the slight will not go unanswered forever. Though one apprentice has followed me and sworn their self to my service, I imagine you two would not get along very well but they know by now that my mercy is matched only by my reputation for vindictiveness. Besides I need the help. Sadly, the next part you will not enjoy reading at all.
I have gone to settle accounts and old slights and although they feel somewhat too petty now, I can not leave them unfinished; especially now that a bounty is on my head. You know where I am.
In truth, I do not know what I will do if I succeed; the goals I once held firmly in view no longer can be seen with such clarity. Maybe I should speak to Steel, but I feel that is best done with alternatives to turn to lest he decide to abuse the upper hand he has always held upon me and I find myself compromised with no support. I am not going to be entrapped again, but it might grant me an alternative you would not condemn me for. I doubt it for I know Steel in ways you do not, we are both monsters and can see it in one another with ease.
I make no promises about what I will do from this point on, and I will not trouble you with anymore letters; I will soon be in a situation that makes it unwise anyway. For what I have turned my back on, I did that for you. I suspect it to be the best form of apology I have ever managed to muster, if indeed I have ever apologised.
Show this letter to no one but yourself, no good will come of sharing it. Do that for me.
The letter is unsigned.
-
So, I haven't bothered writing in here for a long time. Not really anything to write about. Same old thing always ends up happening, so why bother writing about it right? Men come in, things start getting better, then they get worse, then they get really really horribly terribly catastrophically worse, and then they hiccup, and then... oh, hey, where did they go? Oh yeah, they're gone. Where'd they go? The PITS IF I KNOW! And then of course... time passes and suddenly one of them just waltzes back in and says "I want to be your friend." Then he says all the so-called right things, but things aren't right because I actually -like- this person, but I know he's just going to leave again, or worse, he'll die. And not the kind of dead where you come back, but the real dead. Dead forever dead.
And of course, we've been fighting, which makes me feel stuff that I don't want to feel. Mostly bad stuff, but some of it's just that I hurt a lot. I'm tired of my heart hurting all the time. It's horrible.
So I was at the bar, and this halfling came in, and she was drinking because she lost her magic somehow. I don't even know how that happens? But she had a nice voice. She hummed a little.
But apparently my problems weren't really important to her. She felt really bad. I offered her a hug, but she didn't seem to think that hugs were magic or anything.
Before I left, though, she did give me a hug. Then she said something weird. She said that for my next lesson I should compose a song about magic hugs. Why would I write a song? And... lesson? My teacher died. Maybe she didn't hear that part.
Unfortunately, I can't stop thinking about a song about magic hugs. Mostly because hugs are fabulous.
So... I guess I'll give it a shot.
Hugs... hugs... what rhymes with hugs? Bugs? Rugs? Drugs? Okay none of those are good.
[strike]I think the world would be better if everyone gave hugs
It's like [/strike]
Sometimes, when I feel down and the whole world seems black or gray
The feeling of someone else's arms to hold me takes the blues away
At least a little
Maybe people have a little magic that can pass through acts of love
[strike]When someone else is hurting[/strike]
Hugs can take the pain away like a [strike]message[/strike] from above [massage from above?]
At least a little
But in a world that's dark and cold when no one seems to care
[strike]Looking for a friendly face [/strike]
Without a hand to hold it feels like there's no air
More than a little
Hugs send magic [strike]to other[/strike] all around, they fill the world with light
They push the dark and lonelies out to rid the endless night
At least a little
But if there were more hugs around and people gave them more
I think the darks and hurts would go, at least I'm pretty sure
Maybe a little.
Yeah, I'm not a good songwriter. Maybe if I had a hug I'd be better at it.
-
So, I sorta kinda really actually got married.
Yeah. me. I'm married. I mean, not like in the sense where we had big deal thing with everyone to watch and all because that just doesn't seem right because I figure most people probably would end up fighting and then it's just a big show, and that's not the kind of thing that I wanted. It's not really something that needs to have some signed official piece of parchment that says anything right? That's not what the true sense of it is about anyways. At least, that's what I figured. I think I scared Toby when it sort of just kind of slipped out. It's weird. I NEVER thought I wanted to be married, but lately with Toby the thought just kept coming back and it just felt "right" I guess. Like he's home. And then he said something we were sitting by the fire and he said he felt like he finally was home and well, I thought it but apparently I thought it out loud, but then it was out there and I was afraid he'd say no, so I was going to just take it back. But he said he wanted to wait. I hate waiting. I just figured it was something that should be between me and him and Ilsare and nobody else needed to be around or anything.
Well... yeah. So. That happened. I just hope that this time around maybe we'll live long enough to grow old together eventually. Maybe in the process we'll both become better people.
I have to tell Raz when his ship comes back into port.
-
Married life hasn't been all that different than it was before really. But on the whole I think I breathe easier knowing that eventually Toby's going to come home. Except that one time when he left to get bread and eggs and he didn't come home for THREE MONTHS! Yeah, I guess he just forgot his way home and "accidentally" flew off with Plenny and some other people to Krashin, and then took the "long way" home through Belinara. I didn't know what happened to him! First I went looking around the market, but he wasn't there. So I thought maybe he went to the Arms for a drink. Nope, Lily said he wasn't there. So I walked all over the streets trying to find him. Nowhere. So I went home. And the next day I looked again. And then again. And after a week he still hadn't come home, so I figured he must've just left again like he did before.
So, I thought maybe that was just the end of it. And then 3 months later he comes waltzing in like nothing happened, and he expected me to be mad at him. He wanted me to be mad at him! And I just didn't have it anymore. I felt like when he walked in I could finally breathe again. He was save, and he actually came home. But it hurt so much between when he left and when he came back, thinking he'd never show up again, or maybe he changed his mind about marrying me, or maybe he ran off with some other girl, or maybe Kali showed back up after all this time and he couldn't help himself.
And then he was mad that I wasn't mad. And so he pushed me into being mad. And then I was mad. Like... really mad. He said he was going to stay the night at the Arms, and I just saw red. I threw all of his clothes out in the street. I figured, if he was just going to walk out again because he couldn't handle me not fighting with him, well then, he'd get a fight.
And afterward I felt pretty horrible. Fighting with Toby's just different than with anyone else.
I actually don't like fighting with him.
-
Nym came back.
I don't know what it is with people showing up when I don't think I"ll ever see them again. He was just there. In my living room. Just looking at me.
And then I couldn't breathe. It was like all the air got sucked out of the room somehow and I was feeling strangled and everything that had dissipated since he left just flooded back so fast. Every way that hurt and every way that I missed him and every way that I loved him. And I felt like I was drowning.
I told him I was married. I didn't tell him to hurt him, but it did. I could see it. It hurt him, and seeing him hurt made it feel like the water was rising over my head even more.
And then Toby came home and they started yelling at each other and threatening each other. And Toby told him to leave, and I wanted to scream or run or anything and all I could do was just stand there stupid because none of it would come out. And then I boomed them. I didn't want to see them fighting.
And then I left. I went to a corner and I wished I could disappear into the walls.
Nym came in and told me he had five minutes to talk to me alone before he had to go. The closer he got to me, the harder it was to breathe. And he told me things that I can't bring myself to write in here. But I know he loves me. Even though he can't say it. Even though he tries to tell me how much it's a curse or that it's against his will.
And he told me that since he saved my life, I owe him a debt.
And then he was gone again, and Toby was there. And Toby hugged me. And I could breathe again.
-
It got harder and harder to breathe. Toby didn't trust me and he kept acting like I was just going to go run off and be with Nym instead of him. When is he ever going to get it in his head that I love him? I mean, come on, I married him, right?
So, I lied to him. I told him I was going to have a meeting with one of my tailors and I would be back in a few weeks. I thought he bought it. But I didn't really have a meeting, and I went and looked for Nym. Maybe it was stupid given everything that happened, but I needed to breathe again without thinking that there was something else there that I was supposed to be doing or someone else I needed to love or be worried for.
Toby told me that Nym invaded Voltrex. So when I found him, I made him tell me the truth. I made him tell me all of it. And he told me. He told me how he was with the group responsible for the volcanoes and how he killed people simply because he's a dark elf, and that's what dark elves do. I asked him if anything he ever told me was true. He said no. I don't know what happened, but I was just so angry that I jumped up and told him that I didn't want to owe him anything. Even if it was him telling me to be happy. I don't want a monster telling me that I have to be happy because I owe him my life. Well, I figured, if he wanted to be repaid, then he could just take my life again.
And I did something stupid I guess, but I told him to kill me. He wouldn't do it, and he said that he'd only take the one payment. Of course, because goddess forbid he do something that told him to do. And... I just got desperate. I needed to breathe again even if it meant I needed to die. I needed him to let me go. I needed him to be the monster he was and not some romanticised notion that he could be something better, or that there had ever been something good inside him.
There wasn't.
And so he killed me. Or, I guess he tried to?
I guess Toby didn't really believe me also, because he found me there and stopped Nym before he actually did kill me.
I've been such an idiot. I finally at least did something right, though. I picked the right man.
So, no more stupid Zari. No more trying to love monsters that will never be anything but evil. I'm just glad that I have a friend who looked out for me enough to tell Toby it was okay not to trust me. Maybe I can save myself most of the time, but it's nice to have someone who wants to save me. And at least now I know I have someone who won't lie to me the way the dark elf did.
-
I was getting kind of tired of always writing bad things in this book, so I figured I'd write about something really weird that happened. I mean, not weird as in -weird- weird, but weird in that I really wasn't expecting anything like this to happen and it's kind of funny weird or just... odd. So anyways, I was on my way through Center because I needed to go talk to Danny so that I could dicuss a business proposition about my clothing designs, but instead of Danny I ran into... I think it's Danny's oldest kid? Charlie maybe? Anyways, so he's acting all shy and stuff and told me he had to apologize to me for something. Well I don't remember him ever saying or doing anything to me that would require an apology, so that struck me as odd to begin with, and then he said something that -really- made no sense at all. He apologized for calling me blonde to Toby. Uh... okay? I AM blonde, so what does that have to do with the price of beads in an Ilsarean market in Hlint? Pits, Toby's blonde too... and so is Raz. Are you seeing a trend here? Oh yeah, and so is his daddy. So... I'm still not really understanding why the apology for that. Then he told me that it was because he called me blonde, meaning I was dumb. That made even less sense. Since when does the color of a person's hair have any bearing on their intelligence at all? I mean, again, Raz is blonde and he's one of the smartest people I know... if not THE smartest person I know (though I DID beat him in chess once!) So, I sort of asked him why he was apologizing in the first place and he told me in not so many words that it was because his Daddy made him, but then he changed his mind and said he was apologizing because it was the right thing to do. Well, I don't know about that, but the whole thing was just silly. He wanted me to tell Toby for him what he said about being sorry, but I'm not going to let him off the hook for it that easy. I mean... I still don't really get the connection from him calling me stupid by telling me what color my hair is... when I wasn't even there, but maybe he's lacking a little bit of intelligence himself because he doesn't understand that hair really doesn't have anything to do with smarts? Poor kid. And then on top of everything, if he called -me- stupid, why does he have to apologize to Toby? If anything, he should be begging Toby not to punch him. He said he didn't know what sort of hold I have over Toby, but I sure do. It's called love.