The World of Layonara

Character Development => Development Journals and Discussion => Topic started by: Aphel on August 29, 2011, 04:07:23 PM

Title: William's journal and letters
Post by: Aphel on August 29, 2011, 04:07:23 PM
In front of you is William's journal. Its cover shows the ankh and nothing more. On the first page William wrote his name in simple, easy-to read letters, a style he continues for the first few entries. They seem to be made daily, some are short, others are more detailed. Between the pages there are some loose parchments on which various things are written.


Entry 1

I was asked by Lady Daniella to write a personal journal during the time I am here; and that I should write about what was on my mind.
It is late already as I write this, I can see Toran's Light already out on the night sky. I practiced the guards and some basic footwork and  swings. It is strange how good the body and the muscles can remember things like that. My tip was unsteady, but I still think grandpa would be proud to see me here. I will ask Mari or Hector to help my practice defending and counterattack if the instructors allow us to. I also need to practice footwork and stances, I feel very clumsy at the moment when holding and maneuvering with the longsword.
Concerning my equipment -- I have everything I need except some bandages and salves I think. Bartholomew Sampson's studded leather armor fits me, but I definitely need to visit an armorer to get myself at least a haubergeon, better yet a hauberk, a pair of gloves and a coif or something similar. I think I could take Sampson's chain armor and simply have it adjusted to my body; I will go and ask Lady Daniella or Sir Lance about that when the time comes. A heavy longsword waster would be nice so I could train with a weapon about the weight of the sword I would use in combat. If that is not possible, I will continue to train -- in full armor preferably - with a wooden longsword daily until I catch up with the rest of the students.

I am currently the youngest of the students, all others are at least two years older than me. Shorty after I arrived, we were told to resolve a fight between two farmers over a cow. Lady Jillian was to have an eye on us and asked us who wanted to be the leader. I was to step forward as I was told that I should do it and I accepted.
We switched through the leader position as Lady Jillian told us, and I have to note that while she took good care of us, she was the leader and not one of us students. While I do accept that each of us has to have the opportunity to be the leader, how can we do so when we are whispered to, interrupted, and our leadership?
How can I talk and try to help someone as the leader of a group, if my group interrupts my conversation with said person? I understand that a leader will always have people behind him that tell her or him what would be better or not, is stared at from behind and disagreed with.
Next time, I will just tell them to be silent when I have a conversation as a leader. That side-talk is for the time before and after such situations, just like planning is when building a house. One does not start discussing when cutting the wood. One does the work and occasionally step together and plan if the situation changes.
But how could the farmer believe my words, how can I get through to him when so much people, older people talk at him at once? Isn't that pushing somebody around? Intimidating? More of an interrogation than a conversation?
If I was the leader, how then can I make that visible to the farmer? I tried, but I failed. I was the youngest, the most inexperienced and all the experienced people did the talk over my head. I have no problem with that, it's alright to do that, but then I am not to be picked the leader. Let my watch, learn and stuff. Solve the little problems. Talk to people. Do the work that nobody wants to do, but must be done.
When I opened my mouth, I was always interrupting somebody else or undermining her or his authority. I wanted to say something at the end, when the two brothers finally talked with each other. I wanted to say something when Jett shouted at Mari. But how can I without undermining Lady Jillian's authority? And I can understand that all of us want to prove themselves. I do to -- but that's not what counts. At the end of the day, it's not about who was the best fighter or who resolved family issues. In the end, it's about the food in the people's bellies and if their kids have a warm, dry home and a future. We have to make things work. And it is us, the students, that have to do so. We have to learn it. We might get hurt, even have arguments, rivalries -- deep inside, we are humans, not gods. But we cannot behave like a bunch of schoolkids when we're out there. Out there, we're wearing the ankh for all open to see, and we have to live up to the standard's of the Great Leader the best of our possibility and beyond that. How can we do that when we don't  don't act like one and have conflicting leadership?
The next time if asked, I will decline the leadership until ordered to take it. I am of much more use if I do some actual work instead of trying to wrap my head around how I can position myself as a leader. I really rather try to make people regain their hope, no matter if they follow Katia or the Longstrider or Toran. If they need a light, I have a small one that I am willing to give. I have two hands that can build, repair things and maybe calm, soothe, heal. I have two eyes that can watch, observe and help me to find fragments of the truth. I have my body that I can put between those that need help and the danger. I have Toran's teachings in my head, my thoughts trying to understand what he means and why. Toran is with me in my heart and mind, so I can be with other people in their hearts and minds. It is hard work that solves problems, even if it is a dulling one. As long as I can see the purpose of the work I am doing, can see a few more happy glints in someone's eyes every day I can ignore the pain in my wrists and my back. We can fight back the orcs in the hills and gain glory. But we also can build a house for generations to live in, with a small garden in front and a barn in the back. We can teach them how to thread their land not with abuse but love so that it won't strike back. We can plant the seed of hope, compassion and truth in people's hearts, one after another. We must do so and protect the seeds. In this, there is much more glory than spilling blood, although it does not shines as much. I carry Toran's light in my heart. It's a small one, but I rather hold it up for those that are lost in the darkness, protecting them and guiding them and giving them a small light to hold too -- a small light might not be noticed alone, it might not be heroic, but an ocean of small lights will make the people look up and smile with childish astonishment, make them smile and see the compassion and justice of Toran. Justice and mercy being with love in the heart and the willingness to hold up ones light to help out the others. No matter how bright a single light is, it never can push the darkness back alone.

I will stay here and help these people, no matter what Hector or the other think of me. I can do some carpentry and work hard. If Misha's baby comes, I will ask my mother to send me a few things to help. I still know a few things from when Mara was born and the time afterwards, and I hope I can give Mari a hand with those things.

Let there be light.
~William




Remembering Granddad

The hauberk was much too large for him, the padded tunic he wore underneath wet from his sweat. The muscles in his arms screamed, burned so much that the only thing he managed was an improper fools guard.
"Keep your tip steady...keep it steady, boy!"
Granddad circled him, slowly, the tip of his longsword pointing at him. Now what?
Granddad didn't fight fairly. He was better. So how to win this without breaking the rules himself?
"Come on, you cannot win this, boy! Give up!"
Pa made a step forwards, provoking him to a counterattack. Will made a step back and to the left, bringing more distance between him and the tip of Granddad's sword.
He felt that even his eyes were tired and followed the movements too slow.
Fool against Plow.
Stupid!
Granddad made a feint and attacked with a trust.
Will throw himself out of the danger and towards his Granddad, losing the grip of his sword before crashing into the old man.
Both fighters fell to the ground, and the guard of granddad's sword hit Will above the left eye.
Granddad laughed.
"Very good! We should start to work on your instincts!"
He brushed the coif of his grandson's head and ruffled his hair before helping him up.

"Pa?"
"Hold still."
The alcohol burned in the wounds as Granddad disinfected them. A few scratches and injuries from wooden splinters. But his knuckles hurt the most.
"Why did you hit me on the hands?"
Pa applied a salve to the boys knuckles.
"Never expect your enemy to fight honorable in combat. Always expect to be attacked. Always be ready to fight to defend yourself or others. Never let your guard down."
The old man winked.
"Apart from when using the fools guard, of course. Learn to steady your tip."
"But Pa, the sword is so heavy!"
"You are heavy, not the blade. Find it's balance with you. Now come. We need to prepare dinner."
"Yes Pa."

He washed the dirt from a few small carrots and cut them into pieces.
"Pa? Why should I always be ready to defend myself and others from mean people? I mean, why are the people mean?"
The old man raised his head and looked out of the window for a small moment. The streets were getting dark slowly. He looked at his grandson.
"Most people are mean because they think that is the only way to survive.  Those you can teach and show Toran's compassion and help them out of the dark with his light. And then there is the darkness that cannot be healed, Will. If you ever should encounter that, be careful -- and let the Leader's light be your weapon to defeat it."
The boy nodded.
"But doesn't make that me a mean person to them?"
The old cleric frowned. "Yes, it does." He smiled and ruffled to boy's hair. "But don't be afraid -- that is not the same mean as their mean. Toran will lead you, and by his teachings you will be able to separate. Always carry his light in your heart, and always hold it up. Don't make a fuss about it, just hold it up so you are a light for other people so they can see his mercy and hope."
The boy nodded, stood on his toes and glanced into the pot with the boiling stew.
Title: Re: William's journal and letters
Post by: Aphel on August 29, 2011, 04:08:35 PM
A letter home

Mom, Dad, Seje, Jhon and Mara,
Thanks for the parcel you send me. I hope all of you are well and in good health. It was good to hear from you, and I wish you all the best.
I am trying to send back something in return with the next parcel if I can, maybe some more plants for Jhon and mom. Just tell me what I should look for, maybe my instructors allow me to pick some herbs for study on my next assignment. Currently, I am just trying to catch up on my lectures and not sure how good I am doing.
The last few days, I helped the men with some more carpentry at the farm, that was before the baby came. Misha and the baby are in good health and in good hands. I think it brought Samantha and Misha even closer together, and also the brothers -- the little angel keeps all of us quite busy (and awake), and I hope that things calm down in the next few days so we could return to our regular training.
Mom, Misha sends you thousand thanks for the potion and the notes on how to keep her child healthy you send with the last parcel, it really seemed to mean a lot to her. I hope everything works out alright, so we don't have to return here often.
Dad, I helped them repair their tools like you said, but I think their saw needs a new handle. I tried to improvise something, and it seems to hold at least, but still I am unsure if that really can withstand the hard work on the farm. I made a small drawing on the back of the letter so you can see what how I solved it: I pushed out the two tenons that were broken and used one handle of a scythe as a new handle for the saw, filling the space between the handle and the saw blade with two small pieces of wood. It works, but can you please send them a letter of warning if your son screwed up again and made an unsafe tool? I let the handle soak up water before I pushed the new tenons in, but I didn't have glue to hold them in.
Seje, yes, the baby is very cute and very loud. I gave Misha the swaddling clothes you made, she giggled and send thanks.
Jhon, thanks. I am good, Toran is with me and with you. If nothing goes wrong, there are a few seeds within the letter. Those are from the plant that I sent you a leaf and a small sketch off.
Mara, I don't have things from monsters that I killed. If I had killed any monsters, I wouldn't send you parts of them. I didn't have had enough time to finish your present, but I think I can send it with the next parcel.

The work is hard out here. I am tired and need sleep, therefore I will keep this a short letter. I am in good health and in good hands, do not worry.

May you all walk in the light,
~William

PS: Thanks for the salve mom, it works miracles on my wrists and neck. Thank you!
Title: Re: William's journal and letters
Post by: Aphel on September 21, 2011, 09:50:30 AM
Returning home

He visited his grandfather's urn before walking home, standing in the rain before the wall and reading the names chiseled in stone. Strange silence on the graveyard, only the sound of raindrops on the small paths between the graves.
And then he went home in silence, the rain seeping through his cloak. This all felt strange, all of a sudden. Very serious, as if he wasn't a boy anymore, no longer a carpenter's apprentice. But who was he now?
Strangers greeting him with a nod and a smile as they saw the ankh around his neck, the sword and shield – and others glared at him or shook their heads. He always smiles back, carefully and a little shy.
The sky cleared up after the short shower.

They didn't expect him, and Jhon was the first to notice him, standing in the kitchen mixing strange concoctions in an old pot, books and plant samples all over the floor. It smelled strange.
“Missed you!”
He hugged his older brother with a broad happy grin. “Making nice smelling things. Like?”
Will ruffled his hair and smiled. “You need some proper training, hm? Got the plants I send you?” Jhon nodded quickly and rushed off towards the door to the back yard. He planted the seeds in a small planter and showed it to his brother while mumbling something in a language that sounded elvish to Will, but he wasn't quite sure if it was elvish or the language of the plants, own to the world his brother was living in.
“Momma said thanks for sending.” He grinned and scurried around between the planters checking and sometimes softly tucking on the plants, babbling something Will couldn't understand.
Mara appeared in the door, a frown wrinkling her forehead and nose.
“Stop making a mess, Jhon!” Her voice was strict and just as annoying as William remembered it. She smiled. “Hello Will. Mom's upstairs. I just read the whole scroll on Toran she has! Ask me anything, I know it! I can read pretty good!”
Will laughed, while Jhon stayed between the planters, frowning a bit and ignored his sister.
“I am going upstairs, Jhon.”
But his brother babbled with his plants and ignored him.

Mom sat on her working desk and sealed phials with wax before putting them into a special box. The room was a mess, parchments with lists and addresses pinned everywhere.
“Hello Will.” She didn't look up until the last phial was in the box. Then she turned around and looked at him with a slight frown on her face.
“What did I tell you about weapons in this household, young man? This is not a barrack. Please put them in your room and then help me clean the kitchen.”
Will nodded and hurried to his room. He was hungry and tired, and there really was no point in starting an argument.
His room was small, very small, with a small window to the backgarden. It was clean, no dust, and a few crates were stored here. He didn't mind, he was using it so seldom anyway. Possibly never again in the near future. He left his sword, shield and armor there and hurried downstairs to help his mother.

His father returned form a construction site at the other end of town after darkfall. He looked tired and didn't seem to be too happy about seeing his son again. They ate, and Seje told them the latest gossip and how her apprenticeship was progressing. It seemed to Will, that they all were expecting something from him, maybe an insight, a prayer or an anecdote -
He told them about what happened during the last weeks as they asked, but not more. He felt tired, all of a sudden, but not tired enough to sleep.
He prayed in the twilight of his chamber and did sit-ups and push-ups before going to bed. And then he lay awake, eyes half closed but sleep wouldn't come.
Did he ask the right questions?
Did right questions exist, at all?
If people expect a leader to do everything right, then why did they follow those whose decisions had been obviously wrong?
How could one use the self-destructive tendencies of sentinent beings to not lead with force but with inspiration towards a better tomorrow?
How was it even possible to think about a better tomorrow, when so many of the soldiers returning from war now were not only wounded physically, but also mentally; their souls torn and twisted by the things they saw and experienced, by the need to survival hammered into their heads – how could they ever return to a normal life if they had problems to leave the battlefield behind?
Leading people into battle was one thing, but logically it was necessary to lead them out and outside of battle too, looking after them and caring about their injuries to they could return to a normal life, a life within society. Which means that if nobody cared about the returning soldiers, problems with crime and homelessness and so on would increase.
Which again showed him the absurdity of this whole war – fighting it was one thing, cleaning up behind it another. So many lives and resources had been or would be wasted -
He too?
That was different, he was following the Great Leader. It was better that he gave his life than the oldest son of a farmer who joined the army to find glory and coins in war.
Could war be glorious at all? What was glory about the mass-murder organized by people on horses or in commando tents? There was not even glory in fighting the undead, just necessity to protect the people from them.
He would rather not lead people into fights if he could fight alone, filled with Toran's burning wrath as he did when fighting the Undead in the Crypt of Vehl and in the Gloom Woods.
It was good, possibly, that he never told anyone about the burning, focused rage inside him when he fought, the sheer and raw amount of energy he could channel through himself by is belief, and his belief alone!, to strike the enemy down with Toran's might. But while it was powerful, it was not something to be taken for granted: Toran gave him these things so he could fulfill his purpose, so he could fulfill his role as one of those that carry the light for others, not to acquire personal power.
He closed his eyes. Toran gave him great things, he needed to contemplate about them, see how he could put them to best use.
It took long until he really fell asleep.

By dawn's first light, he got up, stretched, did his morning hygiene, prayed and contemplated about the weird dream he have had. He made breakfast in the morning light he remembered so well; with the scent of a cold oven and the wood's smell promising a new work day.
Father was already in the workshop, cleaning the tools and preparing for a workday. He had a large bruise on the left lower arm, and Will carefully reached out and put a hand on his father's shoulder.
“Good morning dad.”
His father must have been in thought and winced. The bruise disappeared; Will smiled at him.
“Morning, son. Good to have you back. Have some days off and want to help me?”
The young man shook his head. “Breakfast's ready, dad. What're you workin' on?”

It was a big project his father was working on. A merchant wanted to have his whole store renovated after a storm had destroyed the roof. Father didn't say much, but Will could tell that the pay wasn't that good.

“How is your training, Will?”
“Good. I think.”
“You think?”
“It's hard work, dad. We need to train a lot with weapons and armor, do chores in the house, that sort of thing.”
“Hmn. Did you have time to apply and train woodworking?”
“Na. When we helped two farmers, but that was it.”
“Ah. Yeah well, I really don't care what you craft you dabble in, Will. But you need to learn at least one craft, carpentry if you like or something else. I would like to see that my son is not only good with the sword but also good with more peaceful tools. Working with the hands helps the head to think, you know. Only reading and training ain't good for you.”
“I know.”
“Need some true? I think I still have some tools spare, too.”
“Na, it's alright. We got some coins during a training lesson. We found them by some undead, rather don't want to know which traveler was unlucky enough to... why? If we need new tools, I sure could buy some.”

His father laughed. “No, it's nice if you send something home occasionally, but I think you need some proper tools for yourself first. You know where?”
Will nodded.
“Good. Off you go. We meet at the merchant's store, let's see how much stronger and smarter you have gotten.”


The other men at the at the construction site eyed the ankh around Will's neck with suspicion first and made some bad jokes, but at the afternoon break they all got along pretty well. It was a lot of work, the store must have been out of use and care for quite a while. Kyle, the mason of the group, was unsure if the walls could support a new roof at all, and while Will and his father cut the wood needed for the repairs, the mason had a long discussion with  the merchant, a skinny man in expensive clothes with a mustached hired muscle that seemed to never leave his side.
Will watched them from a distance, sure they were not paying attention at all to him. Something was strange about both of them, but he couldn't put his finger on it.
“Don't stare, work. Then you can afford that kind of clothes eventually.”
The mason's apprentice grinned at him, and Will had a strange feeling in his gut, as if this apprentice was the kind of guy that killed cats for fun when drunk. There was something weird about them: the apprentice, the merchant and the guard.
Will shrugged and quickly returned to his work, somehow feeling that it was better not to be noticed staring at all.

He woke at night from a bad dream, something about zombies in a dark crypt. It was the sudden realization that woke him, the feeling with the merchant, the apprentice and the guard – it was the same as back then! The same feeling that the crypt had as Jillian had asked him if he could feel something ahead, and then there had been something dark, something odd, something... twisted. Evil.
He shuddered, his skin exposed to the night's cold air. He needed to get to work there again, and if they found out who he was -

Will jumped out of bed and rushed down in his parent's bedroom, waking them.
“Dad! Wake up, wake up!”
“Lemme sleep!”
“No! It's important!”
His mother lit a candle and blinked.
“What is it, Will?”
He shivered in the cold air. “The merchant and his guard are really evil people! Toran showed me! They are...nasty!”
His father rubbed his eyes.
“Wait. Toran spoke to you?”
“No. He...it's hard to explain. I know they are evil, dad! If we're not careful, they might do something nasty!”
His father sighed.
“Go back to sleep. We will think tomorrow about it.”
“But dad...”
“Tomorrow, you will be sick. Now, go to bed and sleep.”
He got out of bed and brought his son upstairs.

“Now, listen to me. I don't know what they teach to you, but I trust you. Grandpa told me once that certain servants of each god could read the intentions of other people very well.
We will do the following...”

He fell asleep quickly and woke early to write a brief report to the temple. Then he followed his dad back to work. It was probably better to just act as a normal follower of Toran instead of hiding, his father was right about that. And he could learn something here, too. If something would happen, he was ready to defend them, unless they would use the Al'Noth for whatever they did. He could not bring them down, not alone.

A week later, he returned to the house in Blackfort Castle but not before giving the small report on the merchant and his guard to the temple.
Title: Undated Entry
Post by: Aphel on September 27, 2011, 02:31:15 PM
Valor
“Those who follow Him shall show determination in facing great danger and show the strength to do what is right by the Hand of Virtue.”

Empathy
“Those who follow Him must try to see the world through the eyes of those they help.”

Conviction
“Hold firm in your belief in the Conducts of The Great Leader.”

Humility
“He never overestimated his importance in life. Do not see yourself as above anyone.”

Sacrifice
“Be ready to give of yourself in time, in labor, and if He wills it, in life's blood.”

Honorable Combat
“Do not strike from behind.”

Restraint
“There can be no valor and not honorable combat without control.”


These are the Conducts of Virtue.
I shall make understanding and following them the center of my being; I shall follow them in life, love, fight and death.
I shall look out for my fellow students; as we are students we will make mistakes. It is my duty to prevent harm and injury from my fellow students and myself.
Equally, it is my duty to prevent harm and injury from those around me; being Your servant means being a fellow man. I shall, no matter of status, rank or race, use my abilities and experiences to lend my ear, mouth and muscles and work towards the betterment of all.
I shall not suffer the corruption of luxury and wealth; be it comfortable clothing, reading for leisure or extravagant food.
I shall wear simple clothing and unadorned armor and weaponry; unpainted armor shall show my purity.
I shall not succumb to wrath, nor will I ever be judge and executioner.
My actions shall never let anyone doubt my faith; they shall be always in line with the Conducts of Virtue.
My words shall be well-placed and well-thought; I will speak the truth if asked and voice my opinion clearly and with honesty.
I will not take up heraldry to show my status, ever – the ankh around my neck shall be all I ever need.
I shall act with patience and compassion.
I shall suffer no pit-fiend or undead to live.


Toran, I vow to uphold these rules and live by them without compromising. This vow is between you, The Great Leader, and me, William Leox. It might be extended and rephrased to mark my journey on your paths, but these words are between you and me. Should my vow conflict with your church, I shall seek counseling and meditation.

For misunderstanding your rules, I shall fast and strengthen my body with wearing armor while I cleanse my spirit with prayer and meditation until I am ready to walk on your path. My spirit was raging, uncontrolled and disrespectful towards my teachers. It will be no more.
Title: A letter home
Post by: Aphel on October 06, 2011, 02:55:27 PM
Mom, Dad, Seje, Jhon and Mara

I hope this letter reaches you all in good health and well-being. I apologize for not writing much recently, our drill and the lessons are getting harder and more demanding. Lady Daniella Stormhaven personally drilled us in combat and usage of different arms; and I strive to learn all her lessons well to become a protector of the people and my fellow students.
I think often of you and granddad and hope that one day, I will make you proud and not sad.

Share His Light,
~William
Title: Re: William's journal and letters
Post by: Aphel on October 29, 2011, 01:19:48 PM
Night has fallen; the pyres were still burning. It was cold and silent, the roaring flames that lit the plaza, casting odd shadows over the stone tiles. This time, it was himself sitting at the top of the stairs. Nothing would be the same again.
The stars, so many, so many like thoughts; pretty, single lights in a vast darkness. His hands were cold and hurt, he shivered despite the tabard and the padded underarmor.
Pain was irrelevant. He should have felt something, but he didn't. Nothing.
Nothing at all.

His longsword placed on a piece of linen in front of him, polished and newly sharpened; a phial of blessed water next to it. It was his duty to guard the pyres, to do the vigil. What else should he have done?
William got up and took his sword.

He couldn't stand it any longer. What good were prayers to him? Or offers of help? Nothing of it would ever bring them back. Things like did not happen just like that.

Why did I chose to sleep in the Temple instead of going home? I could have saved them. Instead -

White knuckles around the longsword's hilt. Pictures burned in his head cold and cruel like black ink flooding his heart.

“Do what is right. Always. Never compromise.”
I miss you, grandpa. I miss you all.


He suppressed the shivering and let the tears flow, his face still disciplined and impassive. The plaza was bigger at night, no way to tell where it started or ended when twilight blurred the border.

Followers of the Great Leader do not shiver. Followers of the Great Leader do not question Him; Followers of the Great Leader do not let feelings control them.

He disliked Mari's touches now, disliked the condolences. Uncomfortable to think about it, it felt wrong that he had cried when she was around but it felt not bad back then, only disgusting now. Or that she had to be there to see; that she remained so calm while he -

It would take the fires at least until the morning to consume the bodies, but he felt like ice even when he was close to the flames. The Al'Noth fed the flames, and there was nothing more to see. Nothing.
He had closed his eyes when they ignited them with a prayer to the Great Leader, his face hidden under a hood.
Eternities waiting in the gray until morning.

-



Dreams at night, waking in cold sweat with a scream loud enough to wake the others in the dorm. Letting himself fall back into an uncomfortable bed, staring upwards. Feeling like about to spew.
He sat up and rubbed his face, got out of bed and dresses in the house's gray silence. Running through the morning mist, the sea gray and dull, salty fog and seagulls sitting fluffed up on stones at the beach, flying up when he came closer. Muddy sand creaking under his boots, wet cold crawling under his clothes and over his skin. Thoughts almost as heavy and slow as his backpack. Running down the beach, following the coastline, then up the steep path to the top of the cliffs again. Breathing liquid fire, breathing pain. Heavy boots flying over mud and stones and pebbles and driftwood and sand.
He realized that he had forgotten to increase his backpack's weight by a fifth this morning and kept running.

You're just stupid.

Pain and exhaustion made the memories go away; and when he reached the house again his knees trembled and his stomach cramped from the lack of food. Cleaning his boots, then washing and preparing breakfast. The smell of wet wood and salt when he lit the fires. He had gotten better at beating the training dummies as if dumb, chopping the straw apart with the weak of his blade, pummeling it with his fists until his knuckles bled.
Working the pain away, hollowing himself out -
Cleaning his room, dumbing himself, fingers cold and wet, hands shaking but quick and precise still.
Knocking at the door.

William Leox: (sighs) It's open! (quietly)
Daniella Stormhaven: William, are you in there?
William Leox: Yes. (muffled through the door)
Raelyn backs away. William opens the door.
Daniella Stormhaven: How are you?

Raelyn looks down listening, trying her best not to make things worse, William looks tried from Daniella to Lyn and back.

William Leox: Doing fine, Lady Stormhaven. Is there anything I can do for you? (quietly shuts the door behind him)
Daniella Stormhaven: (purses her lips, unconvinced)  William, if you need a few days off, you know you can have them. Or if you need help with anything.
Raelyn Blair: Or a friend to just listen (softly)
William Leox: (looks down) I am sorry Ma'am, didn't meant to be unfriendly. If I knew what to do with a few days off, I would gladly accept them. But I can't just leave Jhon here. (quietly)
Daniella Stormhaven: I can see to it that Jhon is taken care of. I heard the temple offered him care there?
William Leox: (nods) Yes Ma'am. But I ... I am not sure they will have the patience for him. (quietly)
Raelyn Blair: Miss Daniella can he stay here? I would be happy to help William watch over him.
Daniella Stormhaven: (purses her lips)  I'm not going to refuse him a place here.  I have a spare bedroom upstairs if you would like for me to give him a place there so that things are quiet.  I hear he has special needs.
William Leox: (looks briefly at Lyn, then at Daniella and nods) He is different. (quietly) He is even more quiet than usual at the moment. He won't even speak with me anymore.
Daniella Stormhaven: William, if he needs it, I'll set him up a room upstairs where it is quieter.  I do think the temple is a better choice for him since I travel so much as well, but for the time being until things settle that is fine.
(Lance Stargazer enters the room from the background.)
(glances back at Lance)  I'll leave you two with Sir Lance and I'll get the arrangements made for Jhon to come here. (lays a hand on William's shoulder)  If you need anything, let me know.
William Leox: Yes Ma'am. I think he will spent most of his time in the garden. I will clean up. (quietly)

Daniella smiles and pats Raelyn on the shoulder in passing, the student nods to her. Lance looks at William for a moment, then over to Daniella as she passes.

William Leox: Sir. (quietly)
Raelyn Blair: Sir Lance. (biting her lip)
Lance Stargazer: (nods slowly at Raelyn, then looks over Will) How are you doing people? The rain is getting worse, hopefully it will help the land  (nonchalantly)
William Leox: (smiles wryly) Doing fine Sir. Just finished to clean the dorm.
Raelyn Blair: Fine Sir. (softly)

Lance keeps his eyes on William, measuring the shape of the man, having looked at so many people with different physical and emotional shapes all his life.


Lance Stargazer: I am glad. Did you already have finished your morning exercises? (seems calm and easy with firm and calm gestures)
Raelyn Blair: (lets Lance focus on William) Is there anything I can get for you or Jhon, Will?
William Leox: I did them, Sir. (looks at Raelyn) I ... no.
Lance Stargazer: (looks at Rae for a moment then back to Will) We are going out today, so get ready. Bring your weapons and armor. Grab some food as well. Let's find our minds something to do.

-


Center, a calm yet busy trading post. Charts are being unloaded, oxen fed. Traders try to sell their goods and bargain over wares stored in crates, boxes, bags and sacks.
Storold Doesscha squints looking up from his book, sitting on a bench near the town's Inn. Lance Stargazer, Marinus Kursch, Raelyn Blair and William Leox walk down the road. Marinus and William carry heavy backpacks.


Marinus Kursch: An ox only cost a hundred coins Sire.
Lance Stargazer: (nods) Good ... pass the trues to the other students.
William Leox: Greetings Sir. (quietly to Storold)
Raelyn nods to Storold. Storold smirks.
Storold Doesscha: Recruit them while they are young and have no idea.
Lance Stargazer: (smiles) That is the intent to show them, so they know how to do the right thing, Knight of the Al'Noth. (to the students) Meet Storold Doescha people, don't expect a good treatment of him, he is a protector and a member of the faith of Lucinda...
Marinus Kursch: (nods to Storold) Pleasure meeting you, Sir Storold.
Lance Stargazer: Indeed we won't waste his precious time by staying idle, but one greeting is enough for now.
Storold Doesscha: (Nods) Hello followers of the enemy that is Toran.
William Leox: (looks at Storold, his face hard and dark) I have an idea. Thread softly. Very softly.
Lance Stargazer: (smirks at him) We'll have time for a debate on another time. Stay alive until then, Knight of the Al'Noth.
Marinus Kursch: (confused reaction) Ehm.. right.

Raelyn keeps quiet, observing the encounter.

Lance Stargazer: Lets move people its a long way to Hempstead still (nods at Storold and then starts to walk down the road leading to the harbor city)

William just shrugs and walks on. The Toranites walk down the road, the students leading their oxen after having loaded their backpacks onto the animals. William takes point and gets shield and sword ready.

Lance Stargazer: You may excuse my attitude with him, but he has reached a point that he has lost any attempt of respect. He has done good to the world despite his closed way of thinking ... but alas ... nothing to do about him.

Marinus nods slightly.

William Leox: I don't. He deserves it, if he continues his ignorance.
Lance Stargazer: It's not our call Will, we can only help those that need help or want help. Otherwise we would be as self righteous as they think we are.
Marinus Kursch: Better to lead by example I figure, than pass judgment on everyone you meet.

-


SHUT UP! THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!

He wanted to bash something to rubble with his fists. He was trying to be polite, and by Toran's Light, he did have an idea! Arrogant excuse for someone that was supposed to be a scholar! His whole family was slaughtered, murdered by an greedy excuse for a human; for what it was worth, he didn't kill the criminal when he had the chance.
And now he was lectured by his instructor and his fellow students. He didn't even make his point! They just started to talk, to reprimand and to tell him how he should behave without even knowing the PROBLEM, not like that was like ignoring part of the core of Toran's teachings!

BUT EVERYTIME I SPEAK, NOBODY BOTHERS TO LISTEN OR INQUIRE WHAT I MEANT IN THE FIRST PLACE! TORAN, DON'T ALLOW ME FOR CUT OUT MY TONGUE, FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH THAT WOULD BE THE BEST!


He was happy to hammer copper until his muscles were screaming and shivering, desperate for a break. When they started to sail back, he slept for a long time, caught in a dreamless sleep only to be woken by a rough sea. Trying to keep in shape, trying to train during the travel, trying to read. He felt uncomfortable, tried to stay away from the others; impossible to do on a ship. Tried to keep silent. Tried to speak more diplomatic.
Tried to never show what he was feelings, feelings were irrelevant. Hid tears at night, bit himself not to scream, his stomach cramping as he drowned in pictures and memories and -

Duty first.


Returning to the house, familiar but strange and cold, enclosing and like a magnet to memories. Jhon, smeared with dirt, shying away from him, hiding behind some plants.
He closed himself and let discipline to its job, numb from fingertips to face, masks;a charade. Words that weren't his own but from a book he read, trying to listen, trying to -

He tossed the plate mail into a deep and empty corner of his locker and went out for a run, heavy boots, waves, muddy sand, pain, exhaustion, forgetting as he fell to his knees, hands clenching the dirt as he couldn't go on anymore. The sea, sloshing back and forth between a shore shrouded in mist and gray eternity stretching out beyond the horizon's thin dark line. Vomiting,
Toran I crumble into little pieces, save me or let the ocean swallow me and wrap me into its cold dark depths -
and a voice in the back of his head yelling at him to get up, for crying out loud, how could he disgrace himself like this and if he wasn't ashamed to be so weak.

Unable to eat, trembling, curling up in his bunk in the evenings, trying not to see faces in the dark dorm, trying not to think, feeling cold hands and arms touching him. Sometimes he got up in the middle of the night, sneaked out of the dorm and sat down before the cold fireplace, dark orange hint of embers below white ash, pulling his knees to his chest, hugging his legs and staring at what little light there was left.

Through Shadow and Darkness,
Toran, guide me
Through Suffering and Pain,
Toran, guide me
Through Combat and Carnage,
Toran, guide me
Through Deception and Intrigues,
Toran, guide me
I will stand unwavering until my duty is fulfilled


He bit his lip,
Toran, you cannot hear me, you cannot appear to me and I lost the connection to you, the connection to my heart. Take this pain off of me, wash it away yet you can't since I must do it myself but I only don't want to think anymore, nor speak anymore, I just want out; out, beyond the horizon and never return, never be anymore yet I must; all that is must be and must suffer and make choices until it ends but I cannot do that anymore, please take their eyes at night off of me, make the faces go away and the memories and the rage burning in me Toran, I cannot go on, I just can't without breaking to pieces like brittle untempered iron -
he wanted a helmet it would seperate him from the world; an armor though which he could not be touched nor his expressions disturb or concern people. Something to encase him, just something, something that he needed to constantly fight against, that made him suffer and punished him for mistakes of thought and instinct.
No, he only would bring shame to the Great Leader and to the name Stargazer as the best thing was to die,
Only in death my duty, my pain and my path will end yet I cannot step before the Great Leader to be judged, nor am I sure that I will ever be. Just clear my head, Toran, just make me sleep, just make me go away. I cannot take it anymore, can't speak with any of them, no, I am unworthy of their wise words, of Realyn and Mari and Daniella and Lance and Hector and Marinus and all the others.

And he got up, sat down at his desk next to the window, stared out into the night until it was replaced by the gray of dawn.

-


He woke feeling uncomfortable, cold sweat cold muscles and a funny taste in his mouth. Wash with cold water, put the hauberk on, the belt with the sword. Jhon was still sleeping. Making breakfast. The days were getting warmer, but still he needed to make a small fire every morning.
Silence.
Title: Re: William's journal and letters
Post by: Aphel on October 29, 2011, 08:44:28 PM
His swordarm hung useless from his side, the ground muddy from the rain just as his armor. The tree's bark smelled of old mysteries while the rain washed over them both, and he only stunk of death and blood. The pain sill vibrated through his arm, and despite the longsword lying next to him he was sure he couldn't use it at the moment. It wasn't necessary. Jhon was in good hands, and he couldn't go anywhere near the house.
Eyes closed. The water, the mud, the trees.

No.


-


Jhon just stood at the window, staring into the gray apreal weather, muttering elvish tree names, his eyes fixed at the path leading to the house and the border where it blurred into the gray. He just stood there, never blinked, until he was brought to bed.
And when they thought he was asleep, he tip-toed back to the window.
Title: A piece of parchment
Post by: Aphel on November 12, 2011, 05:09:44 PM
Parchment.
Parchment is more patient than people yet equally doomed to wither away and crumble to dust. Being literate means to have the possibility to become immortal of sorts; converse one's thoughts and experiences for generations to come if the parchments does not fall into oblivion and are left to rot under strata of dust or fungus. Yet one have to be careful what to write about: enemies could use one's writings to track one down, distort one's message and murder one for having such heretic thoughts; thoughts diametral to predominant dogma or reason of state. Writing is politics.
Title: Journal entry
Post by: Aphel on November 12, 2011, 05:10:42 PM
Some days I can feel the passing of time in the wind and in the book pages I turn and the miles that fly past below my boots. It is a strange thing; and it gets worse the older I get.
Shaved the first time this morning, the face in the water stranger than usual. I am glad that I can still live here and that most of the people tolerate Jhon's antics. Lyn and he seem to get along a bit which is great as he seems to get past what happened and returned into his own world. Hard for me to judge how it was changed by the events.

He puts quill and journal away to return to the tasks he has set for himself this evening. Writing was more exhausting then reading, so he read a lot and dodged the writing for now, making short notes on a crumpled piece of parchment.
Title: Journal entry
Post by: Aphel on November 12, 2011, 05:11:17 PM
Analysis of the rejection/postponement of Shining Hand admission

I must first understand myself and especially my motives, otherwise I will get nowhere.
I want to be one of the best and fight among the best; this requires both a large amount of training as well as knowing the right people and having the right status, as much as I abhor it.
But what does it mean to be among the best, what does it mean to fight, and what does I fight for?
To be one of the best seems to mean to be bold of one's abilities; and I could feel others frown at me when I say that what I can or can't do is not my call but for others to judge.
How can that be wrong? When I am required to run six miles in full gear, I might pass or not pass this evaluation, and I am able in their eyes to run six miles in full gear. But the evaluation itself is as vague as the the word ability itself, it holds no meaning. People have done the impossible because they did not realize that what they were about to do was impossible in the first place. I don't know what I can do. I am able to use my sword, my shield and my armor, I understand the concepts of the various stances and how to move in a combat situation. Does that mean I am able to fight? Possibly, yes. But it holds no meaning, as much as a fight without any enemy. I realize that I was naïve, young and in their eyes not ready. Should I ever become, I do not know. It is not rank or name that I carve but doing the right thing at the right time, to do good instead of just caring about myself and my pride and vanity.
I will reject to join the Shining Hand. I will even reject to join the Order of the Longsword, if necessary. I am, who I am. The designation of my position does not matter, I doubt that I would care about what I can do or can't do at my rank anyway – I do, what I do when the right time comes. When in doubt, alone. I don't think I work well with others as they all form bonds and alliances and bunch together following some sort of age-old loom pattern.
My behavior at the meat locker was wrong, I should have spoken up and divided them into groups of two pair each, designated them a front/middle/back position and adjacent roles (first response/fighter support/support). I saw the problem but did not speak up, therefore I failed. The general might be remembered, it were is lieutenants that held the troops together and made the plan work despite all the odds – a lower rank sometimes must go beyond the command of his superior rank, even break it, to achieve the objective. He will however be forgotten by history yet have made it.

I do feel my role at the meat locker is being overlooked. It was Jillian, the spellweaver and me I guess who finally broke the thing apart. I recollect focusing my anger, my belief in my blade to the point that I felt it might break somehow. Did I hate the thing and its spawns? Yes. Am I allowed to hate it? Yes. It is not that I hated them all the time, it was just in that moment there and then. Does this make me weak? No. I need more practice of making my belief my very shield and sword; to the point that I might be victorious over those forces commonly called evil with nothing but my faith, and my faith alone. I know they fear it. I know that they fear many things: discovery, treachery, death. But most of all they fear my faith; because it is that will bring their end. They will eventually know that Toranites will not stop, come pits or flood or eternal darkness – and they fear that unyielding belief. Maybe subconsciously, maybe openly. It is their great weakness, and they know about it as I know about my weakness: that I am not perfect, that I might succumb to sloth and apathy or vanity and power. I meditate to counter it, to focus on the things that matter, really matter, at the core of things. I clear my mind and try to look further, dreamlike, relaxed. I understand why there are monasteries that hide so much misunderstood lessons and insight; I wish I could spend some time in such a place, spend time with practicing my mental strength by contemplating. I think that maybe learning a craft could also help me with that. I should begin to inquire in that direction of philosophy.
I will let go of the childish toughs of rank and name and such, it even strikes me as ridiculous to pursue them. What good are they if the actions that brought you them are done purely mechanical, ignorant and intolerant? The greatest of all things to do is to make somebody smile. Love is wise, yet hatred seems foolish to me, in whatever form it comes unless it is the righteous wrath against those that seek to destroy the light – there is a line that must not be crossed and beyond which hate and wrath appear acceptable.


-

What makes a follower of Toran? I think it is, first and foremost, the choice. All of creation suffers, and to accept inevitable pain, suffering and death; to accept that I am already death because I am alive and that I either could give up or go on and then to chose to go on; that makes a follower of the Great Leader. It is a choice everybody has to face eventually, the choice between giving up or going on against all odds, between continuing to learn with a serene mind or become ignorant and dogmatic, the choice between continuing to find the truth and perceiving the world how it should be according to one's delusions.
I think that those who follow should be capable to write and read and do the latter as much as they can; that they should spend a great deal of spare time to meditate and find out the truth about themselves and their relation to Him to strengthen them mentally. A follower of Toran should be able to endure the harshest elements with the same serene and kind mind as six continuous hours of diplomatic rhetoric in court. And while maybe being able to do more than what others can do, she or he should never ask more of others that of what she or he would be able and willing to do in their place. First in, last out. We fight with our actions, not with our blades and maces. Given how militaristic we appear to be, this might be the greatest misconception about us. We are fight with our actions day after day by applying our skills at what we can do best and learning something new all the time, yet we are ready to take up arms at a moment's notice. A weapon or a shield is just as strong as the belief, the philosophy that wields it. We do not walk in the light, but we all carry it and hold it up for others.
Title: Re: William's journal and letters
Post by: Aphel on November 18, 2011, 06:16:25 AM
Last night I had a very strange dream. I saw a ship at a calm sea at night, the foam at its bow glowing white. It passed a cliff, and saw some hooded person standing there, unleashing abominable patterns onto the ship. And the ship bled.
After I woke, I wondered how it is possible to create a meat locker in the first place. If one knows how they are created, it should be possible to trace them back to their point of origin if one account for currents in the oceans and such. It would require the help of the church of Shindaleria – they too should have an interest in these ships not spoiling the waters with disease and undead creatures floating around.

Sometimes I wish to have no feelings whatsoever. Going to run and exercise and keep up my own schedule.
Title: Re: William's journal and letters
Post by: Aphel on November 18, 2011, 06:17:50 AM
He looked out at the land emerging from the water. The porthole was a bit dirty, giving the light shining in a soft yellow glow. His hammock moved slowly with the ship's movement, a giant cradle of creaking wood smelling of salt and wind. They are in a better place now, and all he could do was to keep the living alive and in a good place.
Tears flowed over his impassive face and it took some time for him to realize that he cried. He bit his lip and closed his eyes, focusing until he managed to stop crying.
Got out of the hammock, prepared for the day, washed his face. Wind in his face standing on deck, looking out at the land.
“Welcome to Huangjin.“
The old sailor smiled at him with the few yellowed teeth he had left, his accent making him sound like someone that was just about to return home. “It's a great place. You'll like it. Wait till you see it completely.”
Will nodded. “Judging from its coastline, my eyes might fall out from wonder.” He smiled wryly.
The sailor made an approving clicking sound with his tongue. “Wait till you see, wait till you see.” And then he hurried of to join the rest of the crew for the approach towards the port.
Will stood on deck and watched the land crawling closer for a brief moment before he joined the crew to help. A great day for all the others was ahead of them.




-


So I am Sacrifice. So even with and beyond my death, I will serve.

He looked up, saw the others laughing and joking. He put the journal away and got up, not feeling anything in particular.



-


I did not chose to stand up to join the Shining Hand, as I seem not to fit for them just now. Hector was quite eager to join them, but his mind is equally undisciplined I think, but I am happy for him that he got what he wanted. I hope I will see a lot of good from him, and more that could be expected from a follower of the Great Leader. We don't have to overachieve, we just go always one step more, overcome ourselves. Marinus did not join the Order, but he found his place as a soldier of the Hilm Kingdom. I think in time I will see him as a general or something similar. Mari joined the Order of the Longsword, and Lyn took the oath to be a priestess of the Hand of Virtue. Standing there, seeing them happy and proud amonst those that were around them for so long made me think. I did not want to join them, so I walked for a bit between the pillars and the statues and the memories this place was build with.
How many more young faces I will see to walk over these cobbles, polishing them with their boots, how many I will see laugh and happy but only go through this gate once, never to return?
Hector has his peers, has them, Jillian, Mari, Marinus, Lyn – them all. I suddenly realized, standing there, that those these statues were them, those that will be remembered. I will just be one of the stones of the wall surrounding the citadel, one of many, unnoticed, unsung but protecting them until I break and crumble to dust. I am not one of them.
Title: Re: William's journal and letters
Post by: Aphel on November 18, 2011, 06:18:46 AM
Arrived in a small trading outpost called Center. No mentionable defenses. Begun my work by helping the locals where I can and learning various crafts. Fought with Marinus and Mari a bit. Met an engineer called Armand Dawson whom I do not consider openly dangerous, yet his strange inventions and thoughts might not only speak of an ill-disciplined mind but also of a certain carelessness and blindness towards his doings. In time, he might be a brilliant thinker, but he needs time and maybe the occasional discussion and nudge towards ethics and philosophy. Maybe I should try to convince him to build something useful for Center, like streetlights or a better well.



-


I don't think all of what Lyn said is right, but she has a point as she always has.
And I hurt her. She's very caring, but also fragile at times. I feel rather immature and childish now. I need to talk with her again.

Note: Take up rhetoric and language classes. Learn survival, escape and evasion techniques. We all should, no telling when one of us gets himself in a difficult situation.
Find out whom to report to in this area.
Title: Re: William's journal and letters
Post by: Aphel on November 19, 2011, 11:16:24 AM
To Sir Lance Stargazer

I hope this letter reaches you and your family in good health and happy times. Should you have no or few time, put this letter aside for later consideration as it consists of questions mostly that do have time.

During my first visit of the Caves in Windjammer's Bay, Captain Jillian Stuart said, after I checked if all the Lizardmen were dead, that she prefers to fight the Undead because it was much easier than this.
A few days ago I visited the Caves again together with Cormac. We met Hector on the shore, he was looking for thugs that ambushed some traders nearby. We found their hideout after a while, and despite offering them to surrender, they fought to the death. Hector struck down a female archer that was with them, and I carefully buried them afterward (I could neither identify them nor leave their corpses to rot and I had no oil to burn them). We then fought our way to and through the cave system. Hector to said that he found fighting the Undead easier than fighting the lizardmen.

We shed blood, ours and theirs, as we could not talk with them or offer them surrender. They would not have accepted it either way as their shamans riled them up against us.
I do question however why fighting the Undead is easier. Fighting against  the Undead usually does not involve a lot of blood, screams of dying and the wild carnage of man-to-man combat, nor does it involve the same moral and ethical considerations. I took lives, many lives: sons, brothers, fathers I killed – and while I do not speak their language, share their culture or shape, they are in the core very similar to me. It is a burden, a fault, a guilt and a responsibility and something I do not take lightly nor let it weight me down.
I regularly check the crypts of Center and Vehl, and when I focus on a litany of expulsion thus sending the Undead running or make them shatter to pieces, it is not easy. I fight something that took the remains of something that once lived to be a minion to the animating force, a puppet to its hunger for power no matter what shape (may it be a skeleton or zombie minion, a vampire, a lich). Is this darker, more dangerous as a concept, and if so, why? Doesn't the fight between two or more men hold a similar concept of darkness, of evil? If so, how can we compare these two concepts (they might be one)? How can we tell how strong someone has to be to face these things: the misunderstood, misguided or genuinely evil living, and the Undead? Isn't the darkness most fear so much something that is inside them?

When you caught the men responsible for the murder of my parents, I had to discipline my mind not to follow the impulses and kill out of revenge.  My anger afterwards was that I could not dominate my own mind, that I could not beat my thoughts to my will. That I was both weak in thought as well as in ability to protect my family.
Yet I could not kill the man responsible for it.
I cannot. I do feel sorry for him, some sort of sorrow, but no anger and no thirst for revenge. Looking back I realize that, should I discard what others call feelings or emotions, I will be able to be myself and resist all darkness all pain and all hardship. Whether or not my feelings and emotions are an obstacle for taking whatever task is for others to judge: they look through their eyes and their experiences at me and attempt to judge and evaluate something that is not completely understood in such a short of time. My heart is filled with my belief. Sometimes it is good to let oneself to be filled with rage or anger for a brief moment to either lure somebody into believing that one has a weakness, sometimes it is just focused strength needed to crush something that truly can be hated or despised – I feel that Toran hates, too. I need to find better prayers to focus this hate, but in time I will succeed.

However, if I follow this way I will hurt people as they feel being pushed away from me.
What can I do so they understand me? Do you have any experiences and knowledge regarding this decision; time to talk with me in person or know somebody that has?

Be the light for others when darkness falls,
Respectfully,
~William
Title: Re: William's journal and letters
Post by: Aphel on November 21, 2011, 02:25:21 PM
Drivel drooled from its mouth, the old lion's teeth just as broken and yellowed as it was haggard. Old muscles tensed below thick fur, and their eyes met; its filled with raging hunger. Will realized he would have no time to get his blade ready and clenched his mailed hand into a fist.
He waited till the lion jumped -
The blow hit the old creature right into the underside of its belly, its teeth missing Will's ear by only a few inches. The lion whimpered and fell aside, clawed at Will but then he was to close, put one arm around its neck and grabbed its jaw with one hand, while the other hand grabbed its skull near the ear. He howled and pulled with all the strength he could muster.
One nasty crack.

It was dead. Will jumped up, covered in mud, glancing around. Nothing. Silence.
He noticed that he was bleeding from a small wound where the claws had pierced through the chainmail at his elbow. He bandaged himself carefully and took his time to skin the animal and took everything he could use from it.
Back to Llast.


“Excuse me Sir. Are you William Leox?”
He turned around, smiled carefully at the man approaching him. He received the letter and dismissed the messenger, giving him a few coins for his troubles.


Quote
To William Leox .

Greetings William, and i thank you for your kind words and the wishes for my family, they are in good health and me and my wife are back in Hilm to keep working on the rebuild and the planning for the war with the east and as i told that day the situation with the dragons that has touched some of our area, I want to ask you to inform us inmediatly of any Mistite movements you see or hea r. Send the letter to the Blackford Castle.  *he passes to a contact* please pass this information to your brothers and sisters.

Now you put diferent situations on your letter indeed, and it hits too close to home the life out there is diferent to what you are used to be, and I saw that thinking when you were with us, you may or may not put Miss Daniella and me as some of the ones who judge you and label you, in all the time our intent was as an advice and teaching and not as to judge, I do hope that it was taken as that.

The first situation that you brought the "undead are easier" your points are true indeed. But you should see from who this words are comming.  Miss Jillian and Hector call dwells into figthing those dark abomination, its their call and they had felt it since they were born probably, they are both part of the shinning hand and the training they recieve may make them "think" its easier, its to be understandable that an order that teaches you how to fight something might have a bit more ideas or knowledge on how to actually fight those creatures efficiently. And yet no fight is easier than other, Both parts has their difficulities, the day someone considers that fighting kobolds and goblins is "easier" would mean they no longer have respect for the deaths or the sacred life that is instilled in everyone, And the moral dilema of taking a life is indeed non applicable when dealing with undead, yet as you point out there are darker secrets that the necromantic forces hold, They are able to think what they do, its the way they see the world, and the same as we should not judge them they should not judge you or our methods up to a point . Empathy comes to my mind at this moment. You are a smart man William i am sure you are able to see this that i am mentioning on this letter.

As you mention the burden of taking a life its not easy to carry, which speaks of your true heart, yet at times its needed William, Its always easier to say than to actually do it, The first life i took in my way to be the man who i am now, I still remember it and have dreams with it at nights, I do remember and dream with most of the soldiers i saw dying on the war, I hear them telling me how i falied to them, and yet I find confort on the feeling on my heart, I find confort on praying to HIM, and knowing that i did what i should have done, That at times this burden is to be taken since otherwise more inocents will suffer, And you are taking the burden for the sake of a better world. I am just speaking of my own experiences here, and i would be a fool to think that this thoughts apply to everyone, yet i am sharing them to you in hopes that it helps you to understand. It may fail on the intent.

Its not easy to take the road you and your brothers have taken, Its not easy to fight the corruption and the evil of the world, and to not cross the line to make them evil by the might of the blade, Its not an easy task and each call has its own hardships. How many people you have met that shares the will to do what is right?  that shares the will to defend people from the corruption, I am sure that the answer is few. Cause if what we do were easy, everyone could be able to do it.  And its not, it requieres a strong heart and the will to do what is right.

Feelings its also not an easy subject, I saw that you weren't angry at him and that you felt pity for him indeed, Looking someone going to those awful acts is always sad to watch, I am proud of you for how you reacted that day, we are to act by example and if we take justice on our hands then we'll be showing that its something "good" to do, And we should not do that whenever we are able, there will be times when you'll have to act, but as you should know now, violence is always the last resort act, yet we must be ready to act always. I can speak of my experience here too, for very diferent reasons than yours i was once close to close my heart to feelings, I didn't want to feel anymore, And just to do Toran's will by the sake of it, But in the long run i found myself unable to do this, Toran is a source of inspiration, the ideal knight if wnat to see it that way and feelings are important, If one tries to ignore the bad ones we'll be missing the good ones too, and a knight can't do goodness without this feelings, If we miss the point we'll become as cold as the law that the Rofirenites defend, you heard the story of Navarre by now , if you haven't I will share it with you next time we met. If a knight forfeits the feelings how can he see whom he is helping, how can he feel the joy on a girl face when a good deed has been done, They should feed us and they teaches us. Anger is allowed William up to extent, you are mortal and Toran has indeed feelings towards the world, he cares for it, and he is forgiving and noble, and save his wrath to those who actually works against his plan for the world, its his example we are bound to follow and yet it would be too pressuntous to think we'll ever be able to be like him. So my advice is enjoy the feelings and mourn if you have to, On our last conversation I told you about that if you remember. I am willing to expand on this subjects. Milady Daniella as well, this war took a lot from her, her companion and my best friend my brother in arms fell his last fall beside us. Its a pain that still lingers on my heart, and way deep in hers too, I am not able to help her with that, cause its dificult to say "I am sorry for the loss of your family"   when I did just recovered mine. I do appologize if this sounds rude or insesible to you as well, yet she knows the pain and the sorrow as well and she keeps going, she doesn't close to her feelings and she may be able to explain the wrath a bit more. I've always been on the side of Redeemption will, and believe it or not, she and I had a lot of diferences during the years we have worked together, We had awful discussions about things and I still consider her my sister all this diferences has brought a close friendship and brotherhood. That is what feelings bring.

Walk in the ligth, William, Sweet waters and easy laughter till we met again .

Sir Lance Stargazer.


He read over it twice and concluded he would try to write an answer letter after his evening meditation.
Title: Re: William's journal and letters
Post by: Aphel on November 22, 2011, 01:22:40 PM
Daily schedule

0550 Getting up, morning hygene
0600 Morning meditation
0615 Breakfast
0620 Morning training
0800 Weapon and combat exercise
0900 Work for the church
1230 Lunch and time to repair damaged equipment or bandage wounds
1300 Work for the church
1700 Evening training in full gear
1800 Weapon and combat exercise
1900 Advanced skills training
2000 Dinner
2010 Nighttraining
2130 Writing reports, reading and studying
2245 Free time
2300 Bed time
Title: A letter
Post by: Aphel on November 22, 2011, 05:09:20 PM
To Sir Lance Stargazer

I am happy to hea- [the letter becomes blurred and ends in a stain that covers most of the next few words] -nd hope that one day I might be able to do my part as you do yours now. I wish I could offer what few skills and experience I have to help you in Hilm, yet it appears to be wiser to just practice, prepare and gather experiences here.
I do hope you do not think bad of the ink stain, Jhon was pulling me on the sleeve because Lyn brought him a ginseng sample and he finished his drawing of the root.

I think that every teacher is both a keen observer as well as wise adviser and judge; how the pupil might understand the lesson and deals with it is a whole different issue. Yes, I do think you judged me; just as Toran judges me and those that travel and work with me. Observing and judging is something that appears to be part of the very core of every thinking being, it is something we cannot escape. How each individual lets these – openly spoken or subtly conversed – judgements influence herself or himself is a matter I cannot put properly into words.
For example, I did wish to join the Shining Hand and, because I was judged not be ready, I did not join, nor attempt to stand up yet promised to be trained to be part of the Shining Hand (something which I am not sure of will ever happen – our word is our bond, our time however limited  and each of us can only do so much on a single day. Given the current circumstances, I am pretty sure they have better things to do and, with Hector, a sufficiently effective and trainable recruit).
This whole matter is now for me something more of a metal exercise if you will, not a wish I could or can follow. I should elaborate on this more in a different letter, parchment can only hold so much words.

The comment “undead are easier” was made by Miss Jillian after I checked if all the lizardmen we fought down were actually dead. I did this not only against the risk my grandfather warned me about – that somebody might hide among the dead to take vengeance upon the careless victors, determined to the last – but also because I could not stand the thought that somebody might suffer a slow and horrible dead from the injuries. It appears repulsing to me, but isn't healing your enemy just as mercyful as sparing him a gruesome death? Those I can heal, I heal. Those I and others can't heal, I can at least spare the suffering. Yes, these are monsters. But still, they feel pain, despair and terror, they can think. There is no point in cruelty, even against them. Should they not be able to think on their own, to despair, to feel terror as much as hope and be able to dream, then I doubt they are alive at all. A thought that sometimes makes me doubt I am alive – how can I prove it that I am?

You speak of comfort that you feel when you pray to The Great Leader, and this sends me thinking harshly about myself as I seldom seem to be able to feel a sense of comfort when praying. When praying or meditating, I am reminded of my duties and my purpose, and that is to make harsh and always wrong decisions so others could sleep peacefully in their beds at night, grow old and round and have many children. Comfort is the thought that, wherever my family is now, their lives ended and something new begun, something that Toran cares about and I wish and dream makes them happy. It is a sense of caring, but not the one of a mother nor the one of a big brother; this caring is more wise and more demanding than anything else most people know. It is a metal exercise both of will as of faith, something that must not be taken lightly nor with a heavy burden. It simply is, a task, an obstacle we must understand and then forget our understanding about it before we can overcome it. I know that he cares about me, that he gives me strengths in both mind and body and heart yet he also wants a task to be done, and the task is everybody else, everything else and myself: the Conduct of Virtue, but not only that, it is also a dream.
There is no comfort in that, unless the word comfort is simply not sufficient to describe it and you used it only as a metaphor, as a cover for these whole greatmany words. The same is true for feelings as far as I understand it now. By not having feelings, I still do. It sounds  strange, yet it is true for me: what others call feelings, I have not.

I do now understand, a bit more, the confusion and the anger and whatnot, and the talk about that I am allowed to feel. It is a classical dilemma, an inescapable trap if you will: if I do not show feelings, I have to consider the implication that others might find me strange, very different and simply repulsing to a point where I become an outcast of society; I will, should I follow this road, hurt people no matter if I want or not. I do not wish to push them away, yet there is a boundary inside me I cannot overcome at the moment. My body and my mind dictate feelings, and they make me susceptible to weaknesses I cannot allow myself to have: while finding comfort at someone else's side, in this persons trust and maybe embrace has a sweet and comforting tone to it, it could very easily to be exploited for darker plans that might destroy all that was worked for so hard. It is something that comes with a high risk, but also a high reward.
And, apart from all intrigues and such, I do not want people to weep for me. I do not want to cause myself what I had to endure, the pain the dreams and the awkwardness. I am mortal, but I hope I can be a memory, my life a lecture others could build upon so that eventually those that come after all of us reach what we dreamed of, at least in part. I do not know if I am without feelings, or if something about me spooks other people. Maybe that is the fate of sacrifice: I am the oldest of my siblings and thus my childhood was the first thing sacrificed. My youth then was next; spent in training and tasks and then my feelings which were sacrificed last. Ultimately last will be my life, but maybe Toran might even demand more than just that from me. I do not know yet which tasks will be set before me in the future; being a seer must be a horrible fate.

I did not know about Lady Stormhaven's past but now I wish I do – memory is hard, very hard and horrible even; but sometimes it is worth remembering and the more people remember the truth about a life, even if it is no more, the more this person is not really gone. I do not dare to talk to her about it; not only she must have heard everything I could say more than once, I also doubt that I find the right words which bear the right meaning within. Yet when I hear about it, I must think of the statues in the Citadel and the graveyard, every graveyard ever been but most about the small urn grave of my grandfather. There are names, but what were the lectures, the knowledge and experiences this person had? If I truly want to grief about someone, I must learn about this person and try to understand the life gone so I could make a contribution to what this person stood for: to fulfill the person's dreams, or simply take the lectures of its life and improve the present with it. So many, gone to soon – and for me, they have faces; faces that look at me and make all these considerations meaningless. No, I do not want to feel, did not want to feel and this made me angry. The light we see is the light of many, most of them gone but each of them still carrying a small candle.

I must close now, yet there is much to write. Jhon wants something for late-night dinner, I need to return to my exercises and then to the books.

Be the light for others when darkness falls,
Respectfully,
~William
Title: Wish
Post by: Aphel on November 24, 2011, 02:31:02 PM
For every medal awarded
hundred heroes die alone
unsung and unremembered.

-Inscribed into a helmet,
Fort Llast cemetery


I can chose my wishes:

I wish that one day, in the scent of a sunny evening in autumn I see children chasing around a dog in piles of fallen leaves laughing at each other, that someone holds my hand resting a head against my should and I know that this is my family.

I wish that one day, when darkness encloses us, my faith shines above all else even if I know that my time is done, and I will be a beacon of light  to set the spark of hope ablaze in the heart of many.
Title: Re: William's journal and letters
Post by: Aphel on December 02, 2011, 05:18:28 PM
So there is darkness in me, maybe even a lot. Nobody right now can be bothered, and I am pushing everyone away, making everybody cry. Happiness to those that have it, it's not on my priority – doubtful that I should find love in my line of duty. I'd rather be rid of the embuggerment, and not be one myself with all that whining and stuff.
Work work work. And I need to write more letters.

Annotation: I still wish to. A little darkness, huh? More like a lot. Time to cut it out with a glowing knife and be done with it. I'm feeling useless.
Title: A small parcel; To: Captain Stuart – Alexander
Post by: Aphel on December 04, 2011, 11:37:11 AM
Dear Jillian

I hope this letter reaches you and your husband in good health and happy times. Hopefully Jhon is not too much strain for your nerves right now. Maybe he can help you with the things he tries to grow in the backyard.

I gave some thought to what we talked about in the smithy of Hlint, but I am not sure what to think of these thoughts. I want to share them with you, if you don't mind.

You said there was a little darkness in me, but I am not so sure if it isn't already more than just a little. I am not even sure how to find out if there is darkness in me, so I just have to rely on your judgement. Let me try to explain myself.

Even before the death of my family I felt forced to live up to very high expectations, pressured to excel over my previous achievements. On my own path, I always wanted to go one step further than I have gone before, because only in that, so I believed, I could achieve what I wanted: to be one that protects others, inspires, helps, is a save should to lean on. I felt there was hardship to face and a lot of pain but inside I know I could overcome all of it simply by trusting in Toran. It was the early time, when I felt in love with Lyn a bit I think during our midnight talks. It made me uncomfortable back then as I felt that I was not supposed to love that way, instead I should care about my brothers and sisters: it is those that I have to rely on in the battle, in which I have to trust. I realized during the travels with you and Lyn that sometimes I would have to make decisions that would make others unhappy and feel like betraying what they believe in: tactical, strategical considerations. I talked with Lyn about it back in the day, and she wasn't very happy about it, but she did understand it.
I still feel bad when thinking about how I interrupted you and Mari and ruined your evening, but while I might have been harsh and disrespectful towards you, I felt that I needed to say it out of care and love for you and my fellow students. There were many occasions where I felt that I was the youngest of them, not always understood, and expected to live and behave in a certain manner – it felt, at times, pressured. There are instances that I can remember where I wanted to be disrespectful and point out some things towards others, regarding their behavior. I felt it was not appropriate to make such a judgement, even if it should only have been friendly criticism, a hint, a tip maybe, even a call for more discipline at times. But in the search for truth, things must be judged, otherwise truth will not be reached – I need to think, observe, understand and judge before I can know the truth. It is hard work because it has to be done for each case, each individual. Sometimes, I felt that lacking when I was spoken to, or threatened. I felt it again when we talked in Hlint, and it makes me feel very uneasy. As a servant of the Hand of Virtue, I always must keep the Conducts in mind; but I cannot be forced to act or feel or think in a certain way: that too is Toran. He is many lights, and each one is different.
After the death of my family, Toran bless them and cradle them in the light he is – a better place for them than live ever was – after the death of my family I felt having neglected my duty and this throbbing, annoying ache, these pictures that reminded me of how human I was, of how many negatives feelings inhabited me. It was back then that I understood that there were forms of love and care that I could not enter, and I still feel that way – like very thick and thorned underbrush it resides in my heart and head, and I would like to spare anyone the pain of going there. I begun to think and meditate, trying to focus on Toran's teachings and the accumulated experiences locked away in books. Weakness, exploitation, strategy and the human nature were the things I was drawn to like a moth to the flame.
Not to love in a certain way, for example how you and Riley do, to refuse this kind of emotion and distraction, can be a sound strategic decision. I do see, when I see you, not only the moment we might stare and the other's face to find the expression in the eyes gone and the face gray. I also see the possible weakness your child might be; see how much sense it would make to exploit this weakness, this human flaw, in evil and cruel plans. It is just one of the many nightmares I have, had and will have. I want you to be a happy woman, Jillian, raising your child and be a loving and caring parent.
Maybe that is because I myself never had them really, and when I finally began to understand them I joined the Leadership program and finally lost them all. Now they are dead and Toran is more with me to provide comfort that anybody else. I wish I could be like that to someone, but I also fear I might not be able to fulfill my duties anymore. If I fulfill my duties, others will happy – so I have to chose for now. But it will be my choice between my needs and those of others. What made me so angry after the Meat Locker was that others – I am not sure if you heard the Commander's words – wanted to judge and decide what I needed. Sir Mandrin told me that the Shining Hand could be something like my family later, and not only that made me jolt back in a mixture of disgust and distrust that resulted in my breakdown.
It surely was not anything that I should have felt – I do trust you that you might try and understand me instead of casting me out. The whole meat locker quest made me dispise the respect anybody could bring towards me, I was treated like some sort of porcelain, like a madman even. I will never forget the strain it took to stand there, and I think only my prayers to Toran held me together. I do wish to know who destroyed the thing in the end and why, among other things – I might have an idea how to deal with the meat lockers in the future.
During the time I spent outside in the wilds, even if it was short, I understood something about myself. Not only that my heart is strange, twisted, but also that I sometimes should just say what I want, feel, think – even if it insults or hurts others. But how else can one move past a problem when everybody is being nice and concealing what he or she is truly thinking?
Yes, I think Sir Mandrin is wrong. Maybe he just worded it wrong, maybe. Any elite unit that allows something like a family structure to grow will eventually fall apart and is easily to crush in an emotional way. Comradrie, brotherhood yes, but family? I don't want this kind of offer anymore. My family is gone, I have a few people I know I can trust and speak with that are somewhat like my family in some aspects: you, Lyn, Lance and Daniella. But that's not family, that's just what I call a very deep friendship that goes past the brotherhood that unites us all.
I feel pressured to love and accept you as family, in doing what others think would be best for me. Jhon is amazing in this aspect: he just does, lives in his own world that might only inhibited by animals, him, plants, and maybe Lyn and me. He might have realized things I will never understand or even notice. I'll try to be there for him, from one strange brother to the other. That's what is connecting us and always will.

I do not understand you, or most other people. Maybe I am really, really broken and, to be cynical, just need some booze and a girl to get back on the right track. I doubt this right track enormously, tho. The only thing that might get me on the right track is you, Lyn, Daniella and Lance as well as Jhon. Might it be by talk, by silently observing, by arguing all night.  

I will continue to watch, observe, talk carefully and read. No matter what others might think of me, how they might judge me in their observations on me; in the end it is me that needs to live. I will train according to some things I found and figured out myself, and I will overcome myself without ever reaching my goal: discarding my humanity, wash me clean of my weaknesses and darkness and become someone that evil will fear. Some respect of others I appreciate at times, but I somehow started to care less about this whole title and organization thing: I would appreciate to get the possibility to put my abilities to best use and reach the pinnacle of what I could become.
Whether the Shining Hand cares about me or not: I would appreciate lectures, and on the other hand I really don't feel comfortable about the idea. Maybe I am too radical, maybe too weak and twisted. Others can judge and observe, but the truth about me might not be so easy to discern. And I don't want to be belittled, threatened like porcelain. That way, I will never be of any use whatsoever – but should that be the case, and I am getting unsuited for serving Toran, I will put armor shield and sword away and continue to serve him as a craftsman of a different craft. I promised Toran to never yield before anything that was against the Conduct or what I myself perceived as questionable. And I won't.

I hope you enjoy what is attached to this letter. I always enjoyed making these kind of things.

Be the light,
~Will  

//Attached is a small mobile made of small soft curved pieces from various kinds of wood, from polished birch to gnarled oak.
Title: Two letters
Post by: Aphel on December 07, 2011, 03:38:02 PM
To: Priestess Raelyn Blair

Dear Lyn

I can only hope that you are at good health and spirits when this letter reaches you. I apologize for not writing you sooner and I am not quite sure if I can explain to you the reasons of both writing this letter or why I did not write it sooner. My mind is a bit hazed and it's quite late, and maybe I should write you of my travels, of what happened since the last time we met. It is just that I don't feel like doing that would be fascinating or comforting or entertaining to you at all. Writing the others is always such a difficult task, and yet I know you will not think bad of me when I keep it short.
I miss you, Lyn. I worry for you, even – I know that Toran will protect you and when I pray to him I feel, I can feel in my meditation that he does protect you, as he does all the others as well. But still I miss you, and I need to talk to you possibly soon when you have time. You can send me a letter if need be (I hope you don't have to write them with cold hands and your shield as a small desk – there is only so much you can ask of people when you travel) and they usually reach me eventually.

Be the light when there is none,
~Will



To: Paladin Marion MacMurray

Dear Mari

How are you doing? Where are you? Do you need help?

Be the light,
~Will


He looked up from the parchments. Wind howled around the barn and made the candle flicker with anxiety. It wasn't that cold, but this wasn't exactly a good place to close the eyes - that was one thing traveling taught him.
Putting the letters into his satchel, he got up slowly and prepared his bedroll. A few exercises to stretch and train, then loosen his muscles. Reading some pages of the parchment collection about history, seemingly copied with unsteady hand from a much more elaborate book and thus riddled with abbreviations and spelling mistakes. It was almost tranquil.
Title: Re: William's journal and letters
Post by: Aphel on December 19, 2011, 03:43:05 PM
He looked down at the parchment, the signs and strange symbols written on them. He looked up and at Hlint, knowing that the symbols would make sense once more if he looked down.
Lyn.
He closed his eyes for a moment just to hear himself breathe and the sound of the city around him. If he would open his eyes again, the letter would still be there. Would still be on smooth parchment between his fingers.
Lyn.
He felt a shiver in his spine, the same he felt when she hugged him as tears had flown down his face. The same he felt, the very same when they had talked at the lake. He pressed his eyelids firmly shut and took a deep breath before opening them again to read the letter once more.
Taking another deep breath, folding the letter and put it back into his pack.
Training cleared his head and when the ground under his feet disappeared and he fell, fell deep down, he grinned. No fear this time, nothing. The waterfall was roaring and as the cold water embraced him, his heart was dancing with both joy, beholding what he was doing and feeling and what he should do. This was an entirely new feeling – another piece of the giant mosaic had been unveiled, and now that he took a step back he only could smile and try to understand. For the first time since long, he didn't have a bad dream.
Title: Re: William's journal and letters
Post by: Aphel on December 19, 2011, 03:43:48 PM
Taking care of the child was not so bad at all, William had to admit. Jhon and Mara had been more difficult, but then again, he had been younger back then as well.
He walked up and down near the windows again, humming a lullaby to calm Richard down again. Jhon was milling about in the garden again and William did not want to think of all the work that kept accumulating on his task list. He had promised Jillian to take care of her son while she did a few training sessions – or just relaxed. A mother now. He was even a bit curious how it would change her. Them, even. And himself.
He smiled as he suddenly remembered Lyn holding the child. And this person called Andrew too.
The little one changed so much, would change the world around him a bit as children do.
I mostly worry about you because you're defenseless against all these politics and feuds and such.
He continued to hum and sing and walk up and down until the child was finally asleep. He put him back in the cradle and returned to his desk, doing all the quiet but necessary paper work. Should it get boring, he could continue to work on the toys he was making for Richard.
And then there was Lyn, beautiful and adorable Lyn. The date with her. The attempts to understand her, and being silly with her to make her smile.
“Just be who you are” she had said.
He looked outside and wondered who he was in the first place, and why. It felt like something was at his fingertips, just a few parchment-widths from his reach. It had been there always, waiting for him to realize it -
Jhon tiptoed in, looking freshly washed, a selfmade flute dangling on a chord from his neck together with the small bronze ankh.
He grinned and sneaked to his brother, presenting him a few corn or wheat seeds in his palm. They looked different from what Will had seen growing on the fields, and he guessed that they were the reason Jhon ran back and forth in the garden.
“Need Ma's parchments.” he whispered. William nodded, folded a small bag from parchment, put the seeds in it and searched through the shelves for the box with the parchments. He found it and gave it to Jhon, who opened it slowly like some sort of relic and looked into it before closing it again. Then he sat down next to the window and looked out quietly.

William watched him for a moment before he returned to his work, wishing Lyn would be here.
Title: Re: William's journal and letters
Post by: Aphel on December 25, 2011, 07:32:51 PM
He smiled and wrapped his cloak around her, her slow breath hovering over his arms. It was strange – she just fell asleep when they were still sitting there, talking. Working in the temple took its toll, and he held her in his arms. Mist flooded down from the mountains slowly, crawled over tree tops and finally first wisps flowed over the sea. They had talked for long and now cold crept closer step by step. For a brief moment he closed his eyes, exploring the strange feeling in his heart again.

One day, they might sit like this somewhere, near a campfire. She, so tired from tending to the wounded and dying that she fell asleep right away after he wrapped his arms around her. Him, sore from a day of fighting and watching men die, the battle still undecided. And a feeling of darkness crept closer, made all light vanish. And he held her in the eerie silence of the camp, surrounded by the sound of shields and spears and chainmail, horses and campfires and the slow rhythm of walking guards.

Maybe. It was not unlikely for this to come true, and while it was impossible to look into the future, one could look into the past to see what might happen.
William looked down at her, remembered her lips brushing his, remembered the look in her eyes and the sweet sound of her voice. He could just use the blanket they sat on to cover them both, flip a fishing boat over as a shelter against the wind, cuddle up to her and sleep as well.
He smiled, looking around carefully. No, this was not the time. The cold was not so bad, and it should be easy to make a fire as everything was there. He would let her sleep for a bit, then wake her and return with her to Center.
He wished he wore his armor now and looked over the sea. And
there

it

was.

The missing puzzle piece.
William smiled softly at his Lady and carefully stroke a strand of hair out of her face. She didn't notice but his heart embraced the bittersweet happiness and newfound realization. How should he put it in words to explain it to her? For a brief moment he saw her in the approaching mist, a beautiful woman with a child in her arms, holding it close to her as it was all he had left her – the child, the memories and two ankhs around her neck. A possibility, a very likely one, but just one among many. A common one, the history of his father.
All the suffering and apin he would be or was responsible for, and so much that told him he was just another figure in a vast, ever-repeating drama; and he could not escape from the stage. It even felt so ridiculous to think in such metaphors. A fund. He would set up some kind of assurance for himself and her as well – maybe he should talk with Sir Lance and Lady Daniella.
For now, he would just hold her.

You tasted and felt her lips and
you saw her heart in her eyes, radiating her kindness and
love
you heard her voice, the sound of her laughter
the sound of her worry
Will you be able to be
who you are and want to be
Her champion
keeping her safe in dangerous times
Her lover
warping your arms around her when she cries because of you
Her husband
giving up everything for her?


William smiled and tried to wake her with soft kisses, not feeling anything paticular wrong with it. Just this feeling of being responsible, of looking out for her and comforting her. This as well meant following The Hand of Virtue and William felt that he was stepping into a new role, a new task was assigned to him. He needed to talk with Jillian, Lance, Daniella, Kian and Lemont, but all in due time. For now, she was sleeping in his arms, and they should get back to civilization before they got into trouble out here. He brought his lips close to her ear and whispered softly to slowly wake her up.
“Wake up, sweet.”

This day would be in his heart for a long time, giving him strength for the challenges to come. A young couple under the ankh, a new light in the black.
Title: Re: William's journal and letters
Post by: Aphel on February 17, 2012, 01:20:47 PM
To William Leox

From Lance Stargazer’s quill and Pen

Greetings Willaim, worry not about the ink, and I am glad to hear of your brother, Hilm as I said is open if any of you want to help there, I won’t say its easier and of course the life on the kingdom is about discipline as well as self teachings. Yet I am sure this was If not known expected.

Judgment and teaching differs from the intent, I do agree that evaluations have to come eventually, yet the judgment given with the intent of teaching its what teaching its about, a teacher indeed has to judge the progress in order to see the next step in the lessons that is the natural path of developing so the harder lessons are able to be passed one has to determine the basics, but that is not what I intent by judgment, When I said I did not judge you I was not referring to lessons, I was referring to the goals of each person , you in this case. I’ve felt a strong sense of importance on what the other think on you, which if its not bad it should not let us stop seeing our own potential ( granted this may be read as a judgment , yet the intent its to give an advice ). I won’t be even closer to assume I understand Toran’s reasons, he is like a good lord to us, and we do his will, yes he judges us because we are the closer to him, and after all we like our name to be in good stand isn’t it? . I see that you see this on your letter so please don’t take this as a lecture either, I’ve gladly seen how you are growing and learning which fills my heart with joy. I won’t expand on the Shinning hand part, and its something we may discuss in private if you would like, If not I am sure that either Jillian would be happy to answer your questions, and I am sure that if not Jillian, Hector would be more than happy to if not share his teachings see how you are doing out there and catch up. If want to share your thoughts thru other parchment or the next time we met I would be with ears and eyes open.

All life is sacred yes , I agree with you and pretty much all you said in the paragraph about undead is easier, there is no such thing as an easy battle, each fight, war and battle has its own difficulties, hence each of them is a test to our will and mettle , determination and faith, to enjoy a kill is something that should not be done, one should feed on the feeling of justice yet taking a life is not something I look favorably when it can be avoided. And yet one has to be cautious on that a slight mistake doesn’t cost the life of those we want to protect, so you got that right. I may be misreading but along the letter it sounds challenging as if I was trying to say the contrary to what you wrote, which was not my intent, you asked the why they would have said that undead were easier, as I was explaining, each call is different I disagree that a battle should be called easier than another, there are a lots of factors and what I expressed was just my personal opinion based on my experiences and my beliefs. With this said I was trying to give you another perspective of the situation. Healing someone for mercy is indeed something that I believe must be done, yet its all in the balance William, I may have misread this part or miss your intent, if I did I extend an apology.

To answer your question comes with the next part of your letter. How can you prove you are alive? Cause you can make a difference, Our lives are bound to touch more lives, we are here to make this world a better place, but in order to help the others one should start with oneself, feelings are not a weakness, If we forget to feel, then how do you know anymore why do you do things, we act due love for the world, if one doesn’t show emotion, one becomes detached and is easily driven away of the important things of life, The life of service is not about confort, I would be lying to say so, but one finds a warm feeling to help the rest of the world, one should know that the test and the hardships of the way we going to face, It’s the common perception of we Toranites have not sense of humor, that everyone sees us as people who does’t have fun or enjoy the life, that is not true, we do sacrifice, we have the burden of responsibility , but we are alive as well, what is worth the life if you don’t enjoy it, People misunderstand this as having excesses on the life, and that leads to laziness, inactivity and death. I see the intent you are saying I admit the same as you I thought once that feelings were a weakness, I was wrong, I was just afraid to feel and in that I closed myself to the others in hopes to not be hurt, yet words won’t do nothing on this, its something that one should learn on its own, as I saw sadly with my own son Argos on his early life before he found the path back to us. If you don’t want people to cry for you, then live a life of villainy its an old Tilmarian saying, Its just that its not our choice William what is the path ahead of us, yet we can’t avoid to do what we do You are a good man and you have been called and chose upon service, not by an order or a church but by HIM himself, you are chosen for a reason, there is something in your soul that pulls you that way, and you’ll be remaindered fondly by some people whom would see Toran’s help thru your deeds and you’ll bring glory to HIS name in this, we should not worry about such things. I understand that family hurts, its natural and you are grieving, yet there is life ahead, and we don’t know what the path have for us, so don’t think on death so fast when there is a lot of life yet to live.

With all this I am saying that you are grasping it yes I see it, and as you wrote the boundary inside you, you are analyzing and learning of this experiences keep up on that path and eventually you’ll understand, there must be restrain in this, and what you wrote about not feeling comes to this, Restrain should be applied in both ways, one should not be driven fully by emotions cause that will disarray in chaos, yet one should learn to keep emotions in check in order to not forget what is the imoirtant thing in our lives again it applies tor restrain in both ways, and hence the balance of it.

I understand fully regarding Milady Daniella, its still a bit hard to me as well. Chaynce Balduumur was more than just his fiancé, he was my brother in arms , someone I loved so deeply and which departure still hurts indeed, we were always like two faces of the same coin, he was a good man with perhaps a bit too much initiative, it pains me that the truth is , that the things said of a dead person always sounds better than the ones said to one alive, he and I had several differences in life, he was careless and a bit undisciplined, made more jokes on me that what I would like to remember and I would give my left arm for having a minute to talk to him still. His dreams and mine would never be the same, but we coincided and I work to see a world where he would have liked to see. So I understand about not having the right words. Small candles I like that.

We may speak of Hilm military soon, till then get ready and prepare yourself, help those what you can and be Toran’s light for those who needs to see that in your path.

Sir Lance Stargazer



My dearest lady

I finally found some time for writing, and it is hard for me to find words of apology or explanation. I miss you dearly, and all that work I had to do for the Church, for the people in Hlint, in the house and with my training – often I was so tired that I found no strength to write you a letter. Strange dreams and even stranger feelings haunt me and take away what little power I still have left. Life and love are such delicate flowers, so frail and beautiful, and I fear to lose you: to lose your eyes, your smile and your laughter and the talks near the fireplace. It hurts me to think about it that we might break apart, that I have to leave you so you will be happy. My ears and my heart is heavy with the stories of those that came back from the war, the fate of those lucky few. It becomes harder every day I think about what they told me, and what I remember: and there is nobody that I feel close enough to talk to. Is it wrong to tell you that your ribbon is as much solace and anchor as my ankh: I remember you so clearly sometimes that it tears me apart. I don't want to fight it, it hurts and drains the strength from my bones – yet I love you so much. I love you so: I think about you in the morning, running my rounds through dew-covered meadows, the sun rising above the horizon and I smile thinking about you; I remember your kindness when I listen to the ramblings of those who are not only wounded bodily but also mentally or I need to listen to another tragedy of the commons that I cannot resolve, not wipe away just yet. All that is dragging me down, but I must not yield or surrender.
Sometimes, when I read in the parchments with lectures and experiences and insights of women and men older and wiser than me, the letters blur before my eyes and I look up, beholding a great darkness in the distance.  I realize that you are somewhere out there without me, without my shoulder that you can lean against, and it hurts. I need to end this letter now, my wrists and my mind are failing me and I need to conserve some of my strength for tomorrow. I miss you greatly and pray that The Great Leader keeps you save and leads you back into my arms soon.

Be His Light, my Lady
Always yours,
~William


My Dearest Treasure and Beloved William,

Your letter could not come to me at a more perfect time. I feel blessed and comforted so much by your sweet thoughts. When I feel as though the tears are going to fall, I remember the feeling of your arms wrapped around me, and I know that it is for you, for our Great Leader, and your wisdom that I must continue to do his work.

I remember the day we first met when you said that your Grandfather told you, you must trust Toran. I remember when we sat in the house, and spoke about our faith, and that you changed my view with a simple question. Shouldn't you shine for others? I remember that so clearly. I remember how you said that because you have his light in your heart even if you might not always understand your direction and sometimes doubts creep into our lives, they are soon pushed away.

We share our light in him together William. We are never apart so long as we are doing his will. It may not seem the same as your arms wrapped around me, looking into my eyes, but it is a deeper connection we share, to be his light, to be brothers, and to be the best of friends. I love you so dearly and no amount of distance will change how I feel.

Please let his light shine into your heart and comfort you, for as long as we believe we will not fail each other, or him. Please always find Toran's peace inside your heart, and know that I share with you the same devotion to serve him and that as soon as we are able, we will be with each other again.

Please do not let the darkness take you away from me. Please shine brightly for Toran and know that His Light is always there to embrace us in his love.

Always His Light,
Always Your Lady
Raelyn
?


He read the letters twice and put them aside, taking a sip from the mug with what they called tea. He needed to work on his report. A humble fire in the iron stove, keeping the cold at least somewhat out. For now. He looked into the calming light and remembered the shape and color of Lyn's  face when they sat near the fire in the evening because neither of them could sleep. How much he wanted her to be here now. What would she think of the notes, small scribbled observations on tiny pages of cheap parchment? And yet, the hardest part of his work was still to be done.

-Before-
The cold air was burning in his lungs as he made his rounds trough town. So much to do, and so little time. His thoughts went back to the report. There were so many things to be taken into account. So many tragic stories, dramas, tales of ignorance and pain. “I have to write again what others have written before me, a never ending litany; heard but not understood -”
Dawn swallowed the misty hills outside, and the land began to fade into twilight, then darkness. Writing that report would do nothing. There was no actual gain from it, only the hope that somebody would read it. Nothing more. He remembered the days he had spent with his grandpa, a strange ancient past now: the smell of drying ink, parchments and dusty oak shelves. “Everybody could write a report that nobody ever will read and that's most useful at collecting dust in some shelf. Take the travel reports of many great explorers as a guideline. Never write “we”, always write about how you see things. Present your thoughts on the given facts, but present the facts as clear and simple as you can.”


He stood up, slowly, and walked to the window, the mug in his hand. There was not much to see. Clouds covered the nightsky. The city was asleep, but his work was not done yet. So he sat back down after a while, dipped the quill into the inkwell and began to write. He didn't mind the slight cold breeze crawling in, it kept his head free and focused yet slightly out of touch with reality surrounding the parchment he was writing on. No report for now. Another observation.


I cannot say that I am not disappointed that Lady Commander Stormhaven did not allow me to join her and the others in her endeavor to bridge the gap between old enemies. I think I might have needed the training with the Siphe Troops, and sadly now I can't even find out more about them and their training. It is my own fault, I should not have slipped, yet I did. As with Beacon Stuart back in the day, I feel some sort of wall between me and those that I wish to learn from, a feeling of being misunderstood or looked down upon for my choice of methodology. Now I want to show them. Ha. As if that would be wise or even relevant. It's just some whisper in the back of my head, the famous “For every medal awarded [...]” - sometimes, I think, I bother too much with the things that Sir Stargazer called important. Names? Family? There is no more Leox family but for Jhon and me, no name to taint as neither my father nor my grandfather had important influence, the kind of influence that would have pushed me onto a pedestal of expectations and suchlike. People still expect enough of me. I should soon return to what I have called home for so long now and look how they are doing.

My report project is not going well. The observations pile up slowly, but I lack proper facts. I wrote a few letters to find out more, asking for information, but I doubt I will get a lot of things into my hands and might it be for political reasons only. It might even be better to write a polite yet personal request to the Followers of Aragen – and I hope I do not end up in a theological debate. I will see how it goes and do such a move should time require it. I doubt grandfather had some influences, but there's another issue I need to resolve. A pebble at a time moves a desert in the end. I miss Lyn very much and wonder what she is doing right now. She might not approve of my endeavors either, nor with the training schedule that begins to form in my head.
Title: ~ Goals in Training ~
Post by: Aphel on February 21, 2012, 07:27:10 PM
How much can my body and my spirit take?
How much can I do before I shut down?
How can I motivate myself and others to go on in hard times?
How far can I push myself and still remain effective?

-Physical training goals
Ability to swim, march and run a longer distance than now, with and without gear
Escape and evasion training
Survival training

-Metal training
Survival training
Resisting Interrogation and Torture
Philosophy

-Social training
Etiquette
Dancing
Rhetoric
Law
General Knowledge
Title: ~ In memory of Grandfather : An Essay on Leadership ~
Post by: Aphel on February 21, 2012, 07:28:35 PM
He sat down and took a sip from his canteen. It was day five, and it went good so far. He had helped in the mines, helped with injuries and with patrolling the countryside. The strain on his body was not too high, and the physical training every morning and evening could soon be raised by a notch, keeping the “One-Tenth”-Rule in mind. Tomorrow, he needed to increase the weight of his pack. He also was out of parchments to read, and so he decided to instead sit down and write tonight after reviewing parts of his journal. So he turned the page, dipped the quill into his slowly emptying inkwell and began to write.


In memory of Grandfather: An Essay on Leadership

What makes a leader, a ruler, a hero? What does it mean to be a leader? What does leadership mean? What does it encompass? Do you know the answer?
My grandfather asked me these questions on a rainy afternoon. I could not answer them then to a point that my grandfather found acceptable, and so he gave me a stack of parchments and told me to read them. My grandfather never asked me the questions again, and it was not until my training that I was to face such questions again. What makes a leader? What does it mean to be a leader? What is leadership?

Does being a leader mean to be in power? Some say a leader without power or influence appears to be not a leader at all, a king without a kingdom is no king at all – but there is a difference between being a leader and being a ruler. A king without a kingdom is no longer a ruler, but he still can be a leader. While it is true that most leaders are rulers or do have influence in one way or another, that does not mean that a ruler is also a leader. Take an officer of any army for example. He might be well trained and versed in the art of war, a scholar of tactics and strategy, even excellent in organizing supplies and such task. But if he knows nothing about leadership he will not be able to motivate his troops to act on the good plan. He might also misunderstand what it means to be a leader and with his bad leadership diminish the capability of his troops. Being merciless and without understanding for his troops, he might even be an officer that gets his tasks done, yet he fails to be  a leader. Leadership is not how to motivate other people, nor is it about how to set goals and how to reach them. These are all matters of organization and governance and while not unassociated with leadership, they are not the same.

Leadership is not an ability gifted at birth or divine selection to a lucky few; this theory  might be favored by some yet it cannot withstand a closer examination. Social status or belief do add little to leadership and while they can help one to develop such things, they are not granted by them. This is something that history teaches again and again, and even during a person's life one will understand this lesson well.
Leadership comes from observation, from reflection: might it be conscious or unaware, most people that develop great leadership abilities do so because of their preoccupation with observing themselves and others and the interaction of these two. Most people that say after a short hesitation that they are unsuited for a leading position are most likely better suited for the position than those that step up immediately – but even this criteria has it's flaws. Good leadership abilities are hard to find and hard to learn. For one, because it requires more than just observation and practice, it also requires inner strength and conviction, humility and valor. As I understand it, the Conducts of Virtue contain many if not all lessons one must learn and understand and observe and absorb to improve one's leadership abilities, but they are of course not the only broader and paved path to it. Understanding the Conducts might be what is required for a Servant of The Great Leader, yet it does not entitle her or him to gain a great understanding of leadership just like that. Leadership requires more than valor, sacrifice, humility, conviction, empathy and restriction. In a sense, it is always one step further. To lead means to do always one step more in one sense or another, and I see it as a folly to believe that this step must be ahead. To say so easily makes one thinking of leading in a race, in a game or competition – these are things that lead away from leadership and into the twisted and treacherous realms of ruling and politics. Often, the strongest leadership is of spiritual, intellectual nature, and only from this true great worldly leadership can be born. Leadership does not mean to inspire people and ask them if they have truly done enough, Leadership is to inspire people by asking oneself if one has worked enough for the right thing. A craftsman that works with a smile on his lips until nightfall to finish the work on the broken mill while all others already went home, knowing that he might inspire other to help him shows as much leadership as a general of history. If the craftsman is humble and a well-known, good-willed person, others will come out and help him. A general surely can demand obedience from his troops, order and intimidate him, and he even might still be a general remembered by history as a good general, a hero – but he is not a good leader. Intimidation is the first sign of bad leadership under most if not all circumstances, it might be an useful tool for ruling but it is the begin of the end of leadership. Why should anybody aspire to be and act and follow and help a person that intimidated her or him? There is no leadership in this, and from what I understand such intimidating, demanding behavior weakens the soft flower that growing leadership is. If somebody tended to her or his leadership ability sufficiently, she or he will be able to do things short of miracles: to achieve the unachievable together with others and begin to build from there to even greater and more positive things. Such is the nature of good leadership.



He looked up and stretched his feet. This was nowhere near finished, but he felt tired and strained. Pausing for a moment, he twisted the quill in his hand and studied the shape of it and tried to imagine what such a simple thing truly meant, what it implied and how everybody appeared to take certain actually amazing and marvelous things for granted. William smiled, gently pushed these thoughts away – it was a subject for another time, if he would find that time anytime soon – and thought by thought returned to his essay while dipping the quill into the inkwell.


Leadership does not expand into infinity, it is always local, restricted even to a certain amount of people. If it is overextended, it will become inspiration – certainly a trait and aspect of leadership, but not leadership itself to its full extent. A general, a king with good leadership abilities will inspire a large crowd of people; yet it is up to those that are actually encompassed by the generals or kings leadership to extend their leadership to the next group of people and so on; and while in these most common examples the structure is strictly hierarchical, the exact structure is utterly irrelevant to the success of it all; as already pointed out, organization is related but different from leadership. A good leadership ability does encompass the ability to reshape the organizational structure, it does encompass to look for those suited to take up positions withing the leadership and resolve problems that arise. Within the real world, abstract ideas and thoughts seldom can stand alone, and thus it is apparent why leadership and governance blend into one structure of thought and action. Governance is to do things right, and leadership is to do the right thing. Leadership is hard, prone to fail due to cynicism and alike issues; yet leadership is identified by accomplishing as impossible perceived goals with a group of people and continue to build in a positive manner. Governance, in the best case, just works for now and maybe tomorrow. Leadership, good leadership, will reshape what is know of the world and what is thought possible. It might be forgotten, washed into oblivion by the flow of time, but it will be as eternal as mortals can possibly be. In a sense, it is the only thing that truly will stay eternal as long somebody can reflect about eternity.
Title: ~ A journal entry ~
Post by: Aphel on February 25, 2012, 05:25:50 AM
It was like we have never parted ways for too long. I miss her already. How can I be without her?
Title: ~ A journal entry ~
Post by: Aphel on March 24, 2012, 11:18:34 AM
Brought the last bag of soil to Jhon for his experiments with the plants.  He was very quiet and just hugged me briefly before continuing with is work. I guess he is trying to grow some basic grains that are much more resilient against whatever is torturing the land, but I am not sure. Toran might have a plan for him too. It is hard to part. Lyn said she would take care of him, and if Toran wishes so, we will be very close still when I return. It hurts me so to part from her, and I need to focus on what is ahead. Toran provides and keeps our hearts save together, no matter what happens.
Title: ~ Prayers and Rites~
Post by: Aphel on March 27, 2012, 06:22:52 PM
Rite of Preparation

To be Spoken with clear, loud and unison voices by unit and a chosen that leads the rite. Putting on armor and prayer preparation in unison.


Chosen: This is my armor. It guards my body from the blow of the enemies of His Light.
 
All: As our faith in you guards our souls from the touch and taint of your enemies.

With devotion I shall keep it in good shape.

By training, reading and prayer we shall keep our minds and bodies strong.

No taint should fall upon it, and as I, it will always be ready.

Do not idle.

My duty is to fight and to die. My life, Toran, I devote to you.

It shall be so.


This is my sword. It shall cut the veil of taint, treachery and darkness.

We are the edge of His might.

I shall never let it dull or draw it in anger, hatred or fear.


We are the heralds of His light.  

My sword is part of my body, and I will strike true and with precision. My blade, Toran, I devote to you.

It shall be so.


As I commit my body to battle, I will guard my mind and soul with your Light.

So that no taint and treachery will befall us.

From the falsehood of illusions, Toran, deliver me


Your light rips the veil!

From the touch of corruption, Toran, deliver me

Your light burns the twisted!

From the shadow of doubt, Toran, deliver me

Your light illuminates the black!


I am a paladin of Toran

The herald of his Light!

I am the edge of his will

The bane of his foes!

I stand ready to fight in his name

AND I KNOW NO FEAR!
Title: ~ Letters to Lyn, One ~
Post by: Aphel on March 30, 2012, 04:47:51 PM
To: Priestess Raelyn Blair
From: Paladin William Leox, Fiorez City

Dear Priestess Blair, Mylady

I am missing you, and so many days went by without me writing to you. I wish I could have, but while the travel to Fiorez City was mostly uneventful I somehow could not find the time to write you. I regret not writing you now, I could have told you about what I saw and felt and witnessed during the days of travel. Maybe about the deep scars in land and people, the lingering tension of unresolved conflict and the splendor of the lands that will remember this war for a long time. May His Light inspire, warm and show them the way – that too is what I pray for. If my actions and behavior makes them a little bit safer, a little bit more kind and self-secure about the ability to shape a bit of the future with their own hands, that is more than I can hope for I think. Hard times harden the hearts of the people; and while I write you in candlelight the politics continue to entangle and obstruct our ability to express what we think must be done and what we feel. For a brief moment I think I even saw pain in the face of Lord Siphe as he told a horrid tale that I am not sure we were supposed to hear. Yet, we all, even us recruits, dined at a table with him. And while Lord Siphe and Commander Stormhaven appeared to stand the tension in the room, everybody was on her or his toes for one reason or another. The young – us! - were mostly busy with not making the wrong move and minding etiquette. There was a tight moment, as Marin might be able to tell you. Lord Siphe likes to play mind games with us, and he was testing Marin who came too late due to some confusion with the carriages if I remember correctly. The Lord yelled at him and put his blade against Marin's throat. I saw Daniella smiling when I looked at her briefly.
He's testing us, and while it is a great honor and opportunity, it is also dangerous. Not all wounds might be healed. As far as for Lord Siphe, he has my respect already. I want to learn as much from him and his military as I can, and I am quite certain that if I prove to be a student that endures, has quick reactions and good instincts as well as discipline, he would like to hand us back over to Commander Stormhaven with some sort of subtle smile that only she can see or understand. I trust Toran that he will lead us all through this. There is an odd feeling inside me, an impression that I appear unable to shake.

There is much to tell you, and I do not know how to write to you how much I miss you and pray that you are safe and at good health and not writing letters with a shaking hand from all the training during the day. Do not worry. Sometimes I think I can feel your heart beating far away, and I know that HE protects you in his light and always will. But sometimes I remember the sound of your voice, your eyes and your smile and know that wherever you are, we will see each other again in person. My heart is with you, always, as it rests with Toran and with you. We share a light, the three of us. I need to meditate about that matter, it feels complicated.

Before I close this letter: How is Jhon taking my absence? Is he alright? Should he need anything, I will pay for it with the trues I somehow managed to save up.

I miss you, Lyn, and are very grateful for the blessing Toran gave me with you. I still remember the day I left, and it stings but in a good and sad way at the same time: I know that while it hurts, we both will grow and learn The Great Leader's Teachings now for a while on our own; but there will be a day when we will be together again, and I hope we can  lean against each other than, hold each other, and I will be your protection and you will be the Hope and Warmth for me. For now, thoughts and prayers and the knowledge that Toran provides are what we have. My grandfather said that distance connects. I think he is right. It makes one reconsider and more deeply think about things. I love you. I spread my arms over the distance to you now and hold you, wherever you are, whatever you are doing. We share the same sky, the same sun and the same stars.
Forever grateful for your love,
May His Light guide you and keep you safe,
~Will
Title: A letter from Raelyn
Post by: Aphel on April 02, 2012, 12:54:16 PM
To: Paladin William Leox, Fiorez City
From: Priestess Raelyn Blair, Hilm

My Dearest Champion, Guardian of my Heart

I miss you every day so much and I know what we have done, it is the right thing. We both know that while away, our hearts are still strongly tied to each other. Do not feel so bad about writing me, as the letter has taken quite some time to reach me from Fort Llast and then being forwarded to Hilm.

Yes I said Hilm, Commander StormHaven requested my presence here to give me the chance to choose my posting. At first I was unsure of why I was being summoned so far away, but orders are orders, and I will follow always the calling of Toran.

I can't tell you what it has been like here, though I am certain you know in your own training, just what it is like as well, and the wounds the war has left behind.

She gave me a choice of assignments after hearing of my interest in serving out in the field. I was surprised but also grateful, because I have felt there is more for me to do in the world. A place where I can make a difference. I have to admit that sometimes I feel more in the way, with all the focus in Fort Llast than helpful, though I have realized since coming to Hilm, that there is simply no role small, as all are vital to each other, but it allows room for rising Brothers and Sisters a place to learn and grow as well.

She gave me the choice to go to Sederra, to the shrine of Sloven, from there I would have been able to be as the contact between the Citadel and the Shrine.

While it was an amazing opportunity in itself, it felt more diplomatic, more restrictive to a point, and not a position I feel ready for yet.

She also gave me the choice to would have been to go to Tilmar, to the Telish throne, and added to the regular patrols out of the Citadel, amazing opportunities each one she gave me, still they did not feel as though Toran's calling, they did not feel like where I belonged. I could not convey that to her easily, as I think part of her still believes I chose Hilm to be closer to you.

I don't know how to convince her such is not the case, I was not driven to Hilm, because of you. I could not tell her I had actually encouraged the decision for our separate ways, but we know the truth and Toran, our callings our impressed in our hearts and there is no way to understand what is in someone's heart, not truly.

But she offered me a chance to study under the Company of the Star, to study under the battle priests, to truly see the world for what it is, to grow a deeper understanding of why it is we are needed so much.
And in that moment, I understood this is where I was needed.

I am waiting to be seen by the Commander, for my assignment, as he has been very busy. It seems Commander Stormhaven will not be my commanding officer, well not directly anyway. While I wait I have been helping where I can. It is hard William, I see the dedication and love, but also the pain in the priests faces though they are so focused they try their best not to show their emotions. I stand in amazement at their conviction, their dedication and courage. They are the chosen, protecting us, protecting you and I want to be more like them. Right now until I am officially assigned, I have been wrapping bandages up, blessing the water, and helping feed the injured.

I miss you William and I pray every moment that Toran protects all of us standing against the evil of this land that threatens to chase away the good. I feel the warmth of your arms holding me, I feel the warmth of Toran's light guiding us, and I know his strength is within us both and his light shines in our heavens.

The sudden calling to Hilm, left me little choice but to temporarily leave Jhon in the care of the Temple, but I have also sent a letter to my parents to ask them if they would take care of Jhon until we are able to return home, and any true I am able to offer, I will send home. I have not heard yet due to the great distance letters must travel, but I pray that by the time you are reading this letter, Mom and Dad will have written back and agreed.

I love you My Champion!

May The Great Leader Light your path Always
~Lyn




To: Miss and Mister Blair, Fort Llast, Kingdom of Trelania
From: Paladin William Leox, Fiorez City


Dear Miss Blair, dear Mister Blair

Raelyn just wrote me that Jhon is living with you for the time being. I do not have much time for this letter, but I will pay for his expenses. Talk to...
Title: ~ Journal entry ~
Post by: Aphel on April 02, 2012, 12:56:10 PM
I am not sure if Captain Stuart told me the whole truth. Maybe I will see in time, but I can't be sure of it. Questioning and judging the Chosen's action is not my responsibility. Lyn and Jhon are my responsibility – and my training, so I die with purpose on the day that Torans ordains so. HE is my judge, my witness, my strength and my resolve. I am, so others can live their life in peace. And so it shall be. Maybe they think I am a golem, a monster – it is up to them. It's good that I know now. I do not feel that their views are particularly my responsibility. I do think their behavior, especially of Beacon Bael, was not up to the standard of a Paladin of Toran, and it troubles me how undisciplined they can act at times. After my trouble with The Chosen and the Captain, I don't think it would be of any use to tell them my concerns, or my thoughts for that matter.
Title: ~ Journal entry ~
Post by: Aphel on April 03, 2012, 05:51:58 AM
That was good to know. I need to talk to a priestess or priest, or, if I can, to the Chosen One.

Note: Need to change part of my armor. Send the package for Jhon. Need to get my hands on some old reports.
Title: ~ The longest Way – A letter pinned to Stones ~
Post by: Aphel on April 08, 2012, 07:55:12 AM
Dear Mom and Dad, dear Mara, dear Seje, dear Grandpa

It was a sunny day in Llast. Merchants left their doors and windows open to let sunshine and warmth flood into their workshops and houses. A luxurious day for all. The wainwright's apprentice was busy preparing planks outside the workshop. Children playing in the street, women washing clothes, old men chatting over the fence, greeting neighbors and guards alike with a curt nod. The smell of fresh baked bread and pie, of laundry, wood and earth.

It is a long time now since you have gone.

The cemetery was quiet and calm as it always was. The wall with the ivy and wild wine glowed brownish white. Two young priests-to-be carefully cut the vines away and scrubbed the stains they left with a brush until it was gone. Somebody had oiled the Gate recently, William noticed how easy going it was long before he expected the screech of rusting metal against rusting metal and it didn't happen.

And yet year after year, we meet again, here.
We remember the time we had together, such a beautiful, happy and busy life.


He could see the plaza from here, with the small rectangle-shaped stone walls, the places pyres were prepared and burned. No large piles of wood there, today. A priest was sweeping the plaza slowly, removing pieces of bark and smaller splinters. William picked up one of the brooms resting against the cemetery's wall and joined the old, half-bald man in silence.

And then we part again, but not really.

No words were exchanged. William watched the thin willow branches bending and rebound, pushing the dust and the dirt and the bark out of the cracks and the space between the cobblestones. Sometimes, a branch broke. He swept those away, too, with great care.
It did not take long to finish when two were doing the task of one. The old priest smiled, bowed his head in a manner that made clear where he came from Huangjin. The isle of vast stone walls, the Ankh and pinkish cherry blossoms that looked wonderful.

You stay with me in memories and dreams, in thoughts and teachings, in understanding and craftsmanship. You stay in my heart, as so many do.
In our time, we lived, seeing trouble and smaller wonders together.


He stood close to the wall. Another person walked past him, a lean, thin guy with freckles in his face, barely older than himself. A son. Maybe a father and a husband. Boots on white grave, too bright to look at now that the sun stood highest. A path of light.
Resting his hand against the cover plate, feeling the engraved letters under his fingers, he leaned forward to rest his forehead against the stone wall. Names. This whole wall was filled with Cover plates, some blank, but most had names on them. This one had the most names on it in this part of the wall. As was tradition, he had declined to offer of a sentence to be written onto the plate. More space for the names this way.
The stone was cool and smooth, a bit darker than the stone plates covering the urn alcoves. Trailing the letters with his fingertips.

A family, common miracle. We hold us, we cried and we laughed. We built and we planted, we tore down and started over. In our time, we lived and stood up for each other.
A family, common miracle.

Since you are gone, Jhon and I have cried in silence and imagined you being there, laughing, smiling, giving me a hand that somehow was denied to me for fear I might break.
I found confusion and sense, meaningful and meaningless tasks, rewarding works and waste of time.
I have found love and bittersweet tears, I have found misunderstanding and care.


He raised his head and stepped back from the wall, reached into his pocket and looked at the ankh in his hand. Fold from his letter, that piece of parchment now had a new shape. A shape that had been symbol of his family for so long. Granddad's ankh, he didn't even know where it was. Never asked. Burned away in that fire, like all the books and everything else: the wooden sword he learned to fight with, all the items, all the containers of memories. Gone.
The ankh on mother's necklace, silver, small. It had been her wedding present.

And year after year you have listened in silence, sometimes I think that if you could, you would smile and worry. And now that I put words on parchment so they might fade away in rain and wind and sun, I miss you terribly.

He fixed the parchment ankh to the wall with a ribbon cut from his cloak. Carefully touched the thread-bare, sun-bleached rest of the ribbon he left behind here last time. Rubbed it between his fingers. Strange that it was still here and hadn't been torn of by the wind or decayed in the rain until being removed by a priest. That ribbon was part of the cloak that they gave him during his ordination as a paladin. He remembered the day in the Citadel, the travel to Huangjin.

I am not sure if I get along with my new family.

I am here, he thought, because ever since Huangjin things have changed and not changed. I took control and responsibility for my own training, tried to prove myself. A strange shiver ran down his spine, and he looked up.
Nobody there.
He suddenly longed for Lyn's comforting voice and touch. Something inside him wanted to cry if she had been here. In an attempt to help him, they had scratched old scars open again and called it their care to do so. Maybe he had understood Humility, Empathy, Restraint...so horribly wrong,  did not listen close enough at all during his training, did not after -
William looked at the cover stone and crossed his arms behind his back, standing at ease by reflex as the thoughts washed over him. A heavy weight was pulling at his shoulders and at his heart.

We hurt each other, misunderstand, storm away and slam doors.
We cry, we love. And sometimes we don't know what to say. Sometimes, we don't know how to defend us.
It took years to climb that hill, but only a few painful seconds to fall. I feel betrayed.
Yes: sometimes, we hurt each other out of love.
It is not making anything better, it deepens the cut.
But you. You know me best. On days like these, I miss you most.


He decided to read the Conducts once again, with the annotations of Ortheus. If he asked politely, maybe he could get a parchment with a copy of the work. A warm breeze swept the sounds of the city into the cemetery for a brief moment, and William looked up to the gate and at the street behind it. Here he stood, humiliated, broken to some extent. He had cried in the Captain's presence. She had held him, tried to sooth his pain. He had not spoken a word ever since. Just trained, worked, read and wrote.

But our ways parted, but not completely.
That is the thing with life. Until you are dead, the cut can be deep and hurting so much that you want to die or find something new. But you can't sever thoughts, memories, dreams as long as you are alive.


But being alive was such a difficult thought and idea. Being alive means that you are dead in some sense, at least that was his view on it. They tried to prove him wrong, but what was there to prove but the fact that he wasn't mature enough: unable to express the right words at the right time that made sense and told them what he thought.
Remembering the episode with the Captain back during his training, and all his attempts to get to a better understanding of what he was actually thinking and how to express it, all the parchments with half written letters -
If you want to be a paladin of Toran, you need, first and foremost, accept your own mortality and not let yourself be fooled: life means pain, and being a paladin of the Hand of Virtue meant not only to be able to accept the pain as something that was what it was, but also to understand that it was a warning of his body. Nothing more. And the pain in the heart was just a reaction, something one could deal with by meditation. He had meditated a lot after Huangjin. He understood quite early that pain, that pain in heart and mind, was nothing but an illusion. It was similar to fear, to anger, to hate, to ignorance, to overspilling and blinding emotions and notions. Something one could, with sufficient training, simply leave behind. There was no place in his heart for fear, for anger, ignorance, intolerance and despair. He knew that his enemies would make use of these things to push him from the light of Toran, to drag him into the darkness and triumph over another failed defender of Good. Retraining emotions, restraining pain had been important and quite a central role during his training. William still remembered the hours alone with a backpack to heavy, with sore feet and cuts and slashes all over his body from the combat training he did.
And, in the end, it meant nothing. Not the reading. Not the writing. Not the meditations.

Everybody knows so much, has seen so much.
Scar tissue, so much of it. Sometimes when I pray to Toran I pray that he shows me how to care about the scar tissue.
I don't know. I just see and observe and think and try to use sandpaper to give what I find out the shape it hides.
In my heart, I am just a quiet carpenter.
They want to see me smile.
To laugh.
To grief and cry.
But I am so busy rubbing the sandpaper down on the wood until my fingers bleed.


Show us anger, show us fear, show us pain -- anything. Just show us that you are alive. It was the complete opposite of what he wanted to learn, wanted to train, wanted to achieve. The fire in his heart, the Light of Toran was not fueled by all of these things. It was fueled by love, devotion, sacrifice, discipline, mediation and ingrained and exalted restraint.
No.
The reason he was here, now, nearly crying because everything he had thought was correct and right and real -
They were either on his side, then they would understand. Or they weren't and Toran had lead them on a path so different from his, that they though he went astray. Or he or they were actually falling from the Light that illuminated the black.
A sparrow landed nearby, solitary, with rugged feathers from a bath in a puddle. It tilted its head curiously, chirped a few times and fluttered onto the burial wall to dry its feathers in the sunlight.

If I knew what man I was, I would say I am that man no more. But I don't even know if I know enough about that. I just know that I love my beautiful and kind and caring Lady Raelyn. I want to hold her, care about her. She needs somebody to be there for her, as we all do.
Love, a small miracle. And the confidence and silent strength that she gives me with her love, the confidence and silent soft light Toran let me feel are unseen. There are things I can't express, and things I can't convey. I will try.


He closed his eyes, felt a soft breeze ruffling his hair and wished it were Lyn's fingers. Sometimes, he dreamed so vividly that he would wake in the middle of the night and nearly jump out of bed because he still heard her screams. Those nightmares were seldom, tho. He wanted to get rid of them, that bastion of fear, anger, hate, ignorance, weak will and weak faith. Then again, he was only mortal, only young and not born to a strange destiny of a hero, of an ultimate warrior for Toran. He knew those were nightmares, he knew that they would fade in the morning when new trials awaited him. There was a difference between being a golem and what he wanted to be, but he was unsure if he could ever explain that to others or even reach it. Or understand it. He just knew and felt that it was different. If it was that necessary to show anger and all that other stuff to them constantly to gain their trust of being a fellow human being, he rather wanted not the be a human being at all. There was a difference between the raw emotion of anger and pain and hate and...well, all the rest. And then there was peace, love, serenity -- the things he tried to reach properly. For him, hate and anger had no place at all anywhere but for the field of battle, and then only against certain foes.  Toran's wrath, the litany channeling HIS Light to strike down HIS foes -- it was something that must not be allowed to consume one's self. Else one  zeal would lead to doing the right, but not the good thing. And Toran, so William understood it, wanted the good thing to happen. Violence was not a central teaching. It was, at best, a tool that one needed to use with great care -- so where the teachings of his mother and his granddad, at least how he remembered them. And his most recent teaching, too. In that sense, he was detached.

Year after year, we meet.
I tell you of my life and you listen. Family.
A small, common miracle formed by scar tissue and love, illuminated by His Light.
Histories, small and big, with whole ghost theaters of faces long gone. So is it that we part, one stays here, and the other goes, but we never part completely.

Do the others know? I am not certain if they know how I grief, and grieved. Does it, in the end, matter?
My old life ended with yours, a last step together.
You went that way, I this. For me, something new began.


To him, this was no trial. There was a right, a wrong, and a good way to solve every problem. It meant to go the longest, and hardest way not by principle but because that was, in essence, what doing the good thing meant to him. But now -- could he be sure that, after what happened, the longest and hardest way was the way Toran wanted him to walk? Or was he on the wrong path -- again? And how could he possibly find out?
His heart was aching, and his mind was in a state of disarray. This was no test. This was, he felt it in his gut, outright dangerous. He needed to sit down, write, write until he could no more, and then work his fingers to the bone just to redeem what he had done. Be quiet. Listen. Words were failing him. For a moment, William though he would be staring at darkness crawling nearer and nearer behind a veil of twilight.

Now that I sit here and write with failing words and fading thoughts, soothing my pain somehow, crying, feeling like falling apart at the seams again after this betrayal -- now I miss you even more.
One day, we will be united again, and you will be proud of me, but more than that, you will be glad that we are united again.
That is family. That is the one I have, the real one.
The other one is a family under Toran, same but different.


William stared at the neatly and precisely chiseled letters. Toran wants something of me, he thought. I follow HIS conducts and HIS light, and I fail or am told I don't understand. Could it be I am stuck in some kind of circle? Are we all stuck in it? It would be easy to just say all of it was a trial. But there were real tasks to be done, real problems to face. The Hand of Virtue would, no matter what, judge all of HIS follower eventually. Weren't the conducts and history teaching that it was better to do the good thing instead of the right thing? Wasn't it egoistic to prove one's worthiness in making everything a trial? That would mean one was paying more attention to the coming judgment, trying to shed a good light onto one self, instead of sharing that light with others and igniting HIS light so others could find their way through darkness and twilight? And only the latter meant leading. Leading meant giving a direction, and that was what that was, wasn't it?
And nobody appeared to be interested in that kind of questions. Only saw it as disrespectful to try to ask, understand them, seeking to find an answer to them.

It is a long time now since you have gone. And yet year after year, we meet again, here. We remember the time we had together, such a beautiful, happy and busy life.
And then we part again, but never really. And the day I die a new chapter will begin, in one endless circle.

The question was only interesting as long as one was alive. Like in a book, it followed one only in this chapter of a much longer, much more difficult work. To find an answer to that question was one of many hard tasks one had to do in this life. And even ignoring its existence was a way to deal with it. He would go to the temple, write Jillian and then read and write some more.
 
I remember and miss you.
I live the life that you no longer can, and I intend to do the things that you wanted me to: go my own way, do good, fear little, dream and build a lot.

Your loving son,
William


He carefully closed the gate behind him. The street was ahead of him, and beyond the street and the houses alongside it was the City, and beyond the City was the countryside of Trelania, and beyond that the world, and even beyond that places he only have read things about that had made very little sense. And beyond that? Who knew.

The longest way was beckoning.
Title: ~ Letters and packages ~
Post by: Aphel on May 10, 2012, 05:16:00 PM
A small package addressed to Commander Lance Stargazer is delivered to him. It contains a small, neatly folded parchment and a worn bronze pauldron. It is scared with deep scratches and nicks, and dented in some places as well. And despite all this, the ankh that has been graved into it is still clearly visible. The pauldron has been cleaned but not polished, and some dust from the travel has settled into the corners.
  With great patience and precision, a prayer has been engraved into the pauldron most likely over the time of a few weeks.
 

 

  The letter reads:
 

  Dear Commander Lance Stargazer
 

  You taught me how to forge armor and work with metal. This is a pauldron I made for my very first own armor, and it has seen a lot of action since. Time and combat being what they are, I recently needed to replace my pauldrons. I want you to have my right swordarm pauldron. You taught me how to use my arm, mind and heart in craftsmanship, combat and life, and for that I am eternally grateful. Please keep the pauldron as a reminder of the time when we were younger, learning and training to be who we are today. A reminder of brighter, more hopeful days where today's devotion and focus roots deeply.
 

  Be HIS Light,
  ~Paladin William Leox
 

 

 

  To: Miss Gwen Blair, Fort Llast
  From: Paladin William Leox
 

  Dear Misses Blair
 

  I cannot thank you enough, and I cannot express how relieved and glad I am for your help and care. You are a true blessing, and without the kindness and care of you and your family I cannot imagine where I would be now. Thank you. You are one of the small lights that brighten the world so much more than all soldiers of light and all generals and heroes. Please, just send me a note if you need anything. I consider going home, yet it would be leaving this construction site and turn to another one.
  I wish I could tell you in elegant and proper words how thankful I am, and what your daughter means to me. Maybe I should return to her side and help her to become the great woman that is slumbering in her heart. She means very much to me, I love her in a manner that is hard to convey with words. I would like your blessing on courting her, and I hope to be the support in her life that she needs. Call it a folly of the heart, yet I do believe we all need somebody to rely, to lean on other than Toran – yet all ways lead to him, and all the love and care and devotion we give to others is just as important as hunting evil and as much favored by HIM, at least so I feel. Something in the love to Raelyn has opened my eyes and my heart to something that I find hard to describe.
I must close the letter for now, duty is calling.
 
Be the light when there is none,
~William

 

 

  To: Paladin William Leox
  From: Jhon
 

  HI WILL!
  I [strike]IS[/strike] AM LEARNING HOW TO [strike]re[/strike] WRITE! COME BACK HOME. THE LAND IS SICK.[/FONT]
  ~JhOn

Title: ~ Letters ~
Post by: Aphel on May 16, 2012, 06:48:56 PM
He watched the old parchment burn in the fireplace of the barracks.
  “'s not going well, huh?”
  William shook his head and sat down again.


To: Commander Lance Stargazer, Hilm Castle
     
From: Paladin William Leox, Fiorez City
 

Dear Commander Lance Stargazer
     


      He mulled about his next words for a bit, which caused a chuckle from the solider that slept on the cot next to his. “'y know if yer done with it, I need some help with a letter for my love.”
  William looked at the man and nodded.


It is good to know you are still in the field. I was truly worried for a moment. It is good to know that it might just be hostile propaganda of an unknown party. We need encrypted and swift ways of communication.
     


      It was something to think about. Quite a difficult topic as well, and certainly nothing he could do in his spare time.

      I am well.


      And that was correct, if one ignored a few bruises and the other signs of daily heavy work. Last time he wrote too much. Some time wasted.

I will understand in time what I am taught here. This letter is not suited to convey my thoughts on matters in regards to the Chosen One. I am a soldier doing my duty. All other matter should be discussed at a later point. I hardly think I can come to Hilm right now to visit you and Raelyn.
     

Walk in the light,
     
~William
 


      “So, in regards to your letter...”
Title: ~ Letters, never send ~
Post by: Aphel on May 19, 2012, 10:15:36 AM
To: Commander Lance Stargazer, Hilm Castle
  From: Paladin William Leox, Fiorez City
 

  Dear Commander Lance Stargazer
 

  It is good to know you are still in the field. I was truly worried for a moment. It is good to know that it might just be hostile propaganda of an unknown party. I hope somebody looks into it. That brings me to another problem I have attempted solving recently: encrypted and swift ways of communication. There is a craft of war, and communication and quick reaction is on of the main topics. I tried to study, but I have little time for reading. I miss my grandfather's library that I remember from my youth. Again, a reading warrior is often smiled upon. And wars are not won with warriors, one can best his enemy in the field of battle and still lose. I wanted to write, alas, I could not get enough continuous time to do so. I could boil it down to that a paladin's task can by its very nature not be a path of the sword alone: the war against evil might only be won with love, compassion, care, mercy.
  I have to, one way or another, speak to you as if you were my father – there are so little people that I can talk about some things.  
  I study my ankh every morning while praying. I hold it in my hands while meditating (on my day, my purpose and Toran) in the evening. The Chosen Ones words pushed my thought while meditating even deeper. It's true that William Leox died with his parents that day – it took him some time to realize that, and the new William Leox to grow in strength. I entrust my soul and life to Toran, I put my faith in his hands and accepted my own mortality: those that are born being to die the moment they are born. Our lifes are finite. In that sense, we are dead already, but it is our choice, the choice of our minds and hearts and souls if we just give up or go on and give our life a higher purpose. We all carry emotional scars and wounds and weight around with us – the older we get, the heavier it gets. I steel my body and instincts on the anvil of training and the fires of combat, and I forge my mind, my heart and my soul in meditation and prayer. The accusation that I am a soulless undead according to what I said or not said, did or not did, led to me looking to the Chosen One with a question. I am uncertain if she holds a grudge against me or not, yet, when I look at my ankh, it appears that the circle is not closed. I leave my love for The Chosen One, you and others unexpressed as it might be misunderstood and ridiculed. I love you how you are, I am grateful for the things you teach me, and I cannot find a way to properly express how to soothe your pains and scars. What I am is who I am. I am a paladin of Toran, and I think he wants me to love, live, teach, create, protect, be an inspiration to others, be a light in the dark. That is what I am trying and learning to do, mostly, each day anew. That is who I am. Should I feel like a heretic for thinking such? I think not. Titles aside, I love The Chosen One – not in the same manner like I love Raelyn, but similar in some aspects. I don't want to be pushed. I am no boulder that needs to be chiseled into a statue of perfection by others. I am not a nameless solider meant for anonymous sacrifice so that the strength of a fortress could be tested. Yet, by my rank as a paladin, I need to be oblivious and do what I am told by my commander and die with a smile on my face.
  For me, there is only one commander I will bow to, one leader I will kneel before: and that is HIM. For my disobedience I will be worldly punished, yet I feel that one cannot lead an army with intimidation and loud words. I am just a face in the crowd, am I? Not a brother, not a sister, not a daughter, son – with this impression I am left time and time again. And yet I love them, still. They are mortal too, they are afraid or not afraid, deep inside. They are hurt, too. I would give my life for them, but not because of the colors of my armor, not because of my rank: if I die, somebody else can life. Some other life goes on. Callous disrespect for my philosophy, my person and my life – and not because they mean it, but because they are, deep inside, hurt by realizations and scaring live events! - and I still cannot do else but love them!
  You speak of patience, Commander. I know, but I doubt that she will let me help her, talk to her. We cannot talk things over. I am afraid one day I will lose my patience with her and either walk away (invoking more accusations of cowardice) or let the warmth and light inside me turn into a anger that leashes out at her. What can I do, Commander Stargazer, you that are not my father and not my grandfather? Suck it up and move on? Can I call myself a Paladin after such thing, still? How can she tell I still love her afterward? The longer this goes on, the stronger something creeps into my mind that I do have no heart at all? Yet, if so, how can I feel so strongly? Why, if I cannot love and have no soul and are a spoiled brat that doesn't understand the Conducts and always challenges authority – how can I love life? How can I love Jhon and Marin and Hector and Cormac and Mari and you and Argos and The Chosen One and all the other living, loving, dreaming, learning, thinking beings? How could I possibly want to court Lyn?
 

  Maybe I am not fitting into the structure provided. I wish to be excellent in combat, and even more excellent in healing with words and hands, in diplomacy and in spreading hope when there is none anymore and the lines of women and men in shining armors is nothing but a foolish dream. Despite my love, there is anger and frustration at times, I am not a perfect being. I will not bow, I will not bend, I will not break under pressure to just accept something as right that I am not convinced of. I refuse to yield in some things. Call it bullheadedness and stubborn, call it what you want. I feel that this is what I am meant to do. What I am meant to be. I trust in Toran. HE will not lead me astray.
 





***

 

  To: Commander Daniella Stormhaven, Hilm Castle
  From: Paladin William Leox, Fiorez City
 

  Dear Commander Daniella Stormhaven
 

  I am sorry for what I did. I love you.
 

  ~William
 
  Inappropriate!
Title: Re: William's journal and letters
Post by: Aphel on May 20, 2012, 11:26:47 AM
He stood his ground and his position, shield and blade at the ready, among the other soldiers, forming a cordon two men deep. He could see shadows, vague blots of darkest darkness in the night, and the runes edged into his blade illuminated a small area around him in a faint and weak, yet determined blue-white light, casting shadows into the faces around him. The ankh on his new pauldron shimmered, and so did the ankh around his neck.
Sounds of armors and boots as the soldiers around him shifted in their positions and stances. He could hear their nervousity and, even somewhat, uncertainty, doubt, fear. The blots of shadows could, most likely, kill them swiftly and easily. William was, at some level of his mind, aware of that just like he was aware of the ground beneath his boots.


But at this particular moment, his mind was mostly blank with thought, a mere container to the light he felt radiating within, letting the knuckles become white around the hilt of his sword.


I am HIS servant, the herald of HIS light. And if I walk in the valley of Darkness, I shall not fear for WE are what Darkness fears.”


The words spill over his lips, his voice loud, determined, focused and hot from the radiance in his head.

Push away the darkness and fear around you.

He can feel the hot light travel from deep inside to his arm and into his palm and mouth, just like on that day with Jillian long ago. But this time, the battle prayer is different, much different. One part of the light follows his words, and the bigger parts pours into the ragged blade. Sacrifice was steady and calm, its runes glowing – he would strike his enemy with the wrath of the righteousness and then fight and struggle until he died. There wasn't much thinking involved. His heart was on fire, and he could feel the love for Raelyn, for Daniella, for Mari and Marin and Cormac and Hector and Lance and Argos and for all the other men and women around him now in it, bathed in light, embraced and safe.



Light from within, and light from behind as The Chosen One got her blessed blade ready. And as quickly as it all began, it was over. They went away. For now. A cold feeling crept over his neck, and he looked outwards, away from the camp, into the night. The Radiance cascaded down his spine, and his hard and stern face was mirrored in the expression in his eyes.


So this is the enemy.


And then: This won't work. Normal soldiers don't stand a chance against such foes. And the Order is stretched thin.

 


//For documentation. Original here (http://forums.layonara.com/dragon-storm-campaign/285541-situation-arises.html#post1739713)
Title: ~Nightfall ~
Post by: Aphel on July 03, 2012, 01:02:07 PM
There was whispering among the Ninth after the death of two of them. Nesar has its ears here too. He had mentioned that to those that wanted to hear it. Of course, it might be that Siphe would just dismiss the death of two Ninth at the hands of the so called princess as a sign that they were not good enough, that was unless somebody mentioned to him that the princess could do what she wanted because of her bodyguards. And those were not of the Ninth, nor of the Garra at all.
 Politics. Siphe can't do anything against her without opening another front, and killing her entourage and take her as a hostage would be just as much as a declaration of war.
  Who invited the snake here anyway? And did the general really insult the dragon and threatened to kill him himself? Hilm was weak, and Nesar was strong. Again. Hm.
  He said at the table that he left men behind on command once. Nesar would have do him the same, most likely. Hopefully, the Chosen One reminds him to that, or he thinks about it himself. If I can talk to him, I would like to – then again, I'd make it only worse, possibly.
  He tried to sleep, then. Alerted. Maybe the princess liked to send somebody to kill a few Toranites at night. Hadn't the infiltrator trying to prepare something on the new chapel's ground been from Nesar?
 So they might be corrupted.
  And sleep did not come easy this time.
 We need to protect the Hilm princess from dagger and poison and training accident.
Title: ~ Notes ~
Post by: Aphel on August 28, 2012, 09:36:47 AM
Factors to determine strength of force: Speed(Mobility), Unit Cohesion, Moral, Training, Leadership, Adaptability, Numbers, Logistics.
  Famine and wars put strain on numbers, speed, moral and logistics but can improve unit cohesion, leadership, adaptability and training. Change of method of warfare? Knight errant concept problematic for paladin, more efficient with logistics etc. Need to look into that.
 

  Asked once: “What do you want to do?” Know answer now: “Get a battalion of men and women, neither afraid of death nor of life, hardened in the fire of war, able to achieve tasks considered impossible by regular military forces. Able to both build bridges and cities or survive in small units on the run, striking targets of opportunity within enemy territory to prepare a path for regular military strike.”
Title: ~ A poem ~
Post by: Aphel on August 31, 2012, 04:13:55 PM
Dawn breaks red in silence and I have to go,
Yet I long to be with you and hold you tight,
I wish to see you smile, but the fight awaits,
Far away, lost in uncertainty – I love you so

Dawn breaks red in silence and I have to go
Clad in metal skin, I speak a prayer of old
No flag, no army, sun paints the land in gold
No glory, no honor, yet the lies break just so

Long years I have not prayed but searched in my soul
What is the meaning of bloodshed and sacrifice
How could there be good in what turns hearts to ice
Propaganda, speeches, medals all smell foul

“He holds no power over me!” you say with last breath
Couldn't you see – as life is cruel, so kind is death
Title: ~ At night, restless ~
Post by: Aphel on August 31, 2012, 04:15:19 PM
Again, he could not find sleep, unable to master the art of simply clicking his fingers and fall into a relaxing slumber. He knew he should, but the anticipation of dreams and nightmares kept him awake. I should not have those, but I still have. There's something wrong with me. Something that claws at what I am now. During the training in the morning, he had found snake shedding its skin. Random happening, no need to worry. He thought of Raelyn, and he felt something stabbing his heart. Was she safe? How was she doing? Was she having multiple suitors already? None of it should concern me, now. There wasn't much he could do about it, anyway.
 

  He could see the stars from his cot – their baracks were half a ruin, for the lower ranks at least. A couple of tarpaulins shielded the men from the sun and the wind, and it was hot during the day and icy during the night. And the sand and dust got everywhere, but William didn't quite smell it anymore – not the sweat, not the stench of the fireplaces that burned dung instead of coal. Coal was for the higher ranks, just like the better food. One way to establish clearly who was in charge and better off. Hiarchy and intimidation. Law and punishment. So, while they are all busy continuing to write tragedies in the name of the Greater Good, I wonder how we can be better at warfare. I must be just as stupid...
 

  The stars were wonderful here, much different from home. It must be the difference in distance, somehow. They weren't much more beautiful than at home, just different, just as mysterious. He remembered the poem he wrote into his diary, knew that they would hang him for it. Censor yourself, yeah, that's really smart. He was fairly certain that being alive meant that one was crazy, one way or another. What should I say to people? I need to talk with them, but how? How can I make them realize that they must not rely upon others to do good, but do good themselves with what skills they have? And we must end this war, these wars, they are weakening us.
 

  And the stars were just as distant and cold and mysterious as ever.
Title: ~Unspoken Words ~
Post by: Aphel on September 09, 2012, 01:48:16 PM
They had been sitting there for what had felt like days, talking and stumbling through a conversation, she her hands in her lap, calm, quiet. “Please, no. Not yet.” So he didn't put an arm around her. It was not about what they had talked, but about what they had not talked.
 

  The wind was tearing at his cloak, pushing a bit of rain into his face. He didn't even notice that it might be uncomfortable, he just don't cared that much. Nobody dared talk to him since he got them out of that ambush. The training showed.
 

  He felt various things, but he didn't let it phase him. Not here. Not now. He just wanted to get as far away from it as possible for now. Let her have some time, and avoid every high ranking member of the Church if possible. Did he want respect? Tolerance? Something to call his own? Sure, but Raelyn was...somewhere else. And about the rest – he wouldn't get it. No, it always was “Will the angry”, “Will the sad”, “Will the tormented”, “Will the whatever”. Always small, a child, all of that. He wanted to get away, do his work elsewhere. He would give his blade back, maybe, but that was yet to see. He didn't deserve it. He should go to the Desert, but not the Roughlands. Seek wisdom. Seek pain. More pain. Endure.
 

  When they stayed in the Inn for the night, he picked up a crumbled piece of parchment and started to write things down.
Title: ~ Fiorez, somewhere ~
Post by: Aphel on September 16, 2012, 06:32:40 PM
Pain is weakness leaving the body, so the mental pain is just emotional weakness leaving the body.
I does not deserve my title lest I earn it, nor do I deserve my name until I prove to be worthy of it.

For certain is death for the born
And certain is birth for the dead;
Therefore over the inevitable
Thou shouldst not grieve.

From here, where should I go, my path covered in mist, doubt, resentment and contempt. Valor, Empathy, Conviction, Humility, Sacrifice, Honorable Combat, Restraint. Maybe I can explain these things, but no more to those I once was close to. I burned Raelyn's gift today, after having used it for a bandage. No use. The man died, he lost too much blood. I have to move on, have to pick myself up and not give attention to what they might or might not want from me. I couldn't sleep, it's cold, and Toran doesn't help against that. He's not a blanket, just a man that ascended to the Heavens. I carved the names of the dead into my armor, and it is black with ash and oil and blood. I might have lost direction, but I still can kill and remember the fallen. I can keep some alive, not all. It is not evil to like the rush of battle, to motivate to kill and to fill panic in the heart of the enemies of Toran with my righteous wrath. I know how the men and women look at me. The fear me, I think. I haven't spoken a word since the end of the battle, and I was ordered to take a rest.
But I cannot sleep, or I will dream again of a helmet shaped like a skull, a silver anhk carved into its forehead, my eyes under the helmet glowing red. My armor is black, black but for the silver ankh. By my deeds they know me, by my colors they fear me, and I am an angel of death. I have lost direction. Maybe I die soon. But not yet. Not yet. I feel no more pain inside, but loss for Raelyn, for the men we lost today. All things must pass. All I can do is to move on, and paint my armor black on the day the war engulfs and consumes us all. Can I life a life away from death, from fight? Away from steel and blood and ashes? I have no soul worth saving, but I know those who are, and thus my duty is set. Serve, teach, protect. And in War, my armor shall be black, and my helmet a skull, so my enemies and my allies know that death has touched me, but by my voice and deeds, by my wrath and discipline, my humbleness and carefulness, the flower of life shall bloom.
I consecrate myself to Toran, death and fight, so others must not step upon the same path.
This is the last gift I can offer those around me, and Jhon and Raelyn.
May my spirit find rest, Toran, if you grant me such blessing, at least for this night, so I am strong again tomorrow.


And the day after, and the day after...
He sits on the fire in front of his tent and cannot sleep, edging names into his armor, silently, looking up occasionally, not finding rest until he is too tired to go on and hurts himself. Only then he allows himself to sleep a dreamless sleep.


//The complete post could be found here (http://forums.layonara.com/dragon-storm-campaign/285541-situation-arises-4.html#post1745288).
Title: ~Testament~
Post by: Aphel on September 19, 2012, 06:22:55 PM
This is my testament, written with a clear mind in the Light of the Hand of Virtue, signed and sealed by the Temple of Toran in Fort Llast, charged with keeping and opening the testament upon confirmation of my true death.
~William
Title: ~ Diary entry ~
Post by: Aphel on September 30, 2012, 05:22:48 PM
I wanted to write poems, but even words, rhythm and stanzas fail me now. There is no hope for me, not in this world or the next, to find peace and solace. An age of strife and war, wastelands with twisted corpses as vast and endless as the ambition of mortals and immortals alike. It will span from eon to eon, and when there will be peace -- never. As long as they draw breath, they will fight and kill and die over some disputed line in the sand, a mate or resources. There will be no peace but war without end. I cannot deny that I see the future as being dark and full of despair and pain, yet I do not claim that in my dreams I behold any truth. The powerful dispute and send the young generation to be maimed in body and soul in the fields of battle. All I can do now, because I am not ready yet, weak, incompetent and in need of training, to merely ask the question who will stand between the innocent that can yet hope to change the fate. Who will dare to face more pain, suffering and odds than others. Who will walk on through endless wastelands when all light has faded and all others despaired, with the teachings of Toran as shield against corruption and darkness. I realize that the followers of the ankh have the Shining Hand -- and I remember the Meat Locker very well. I remember before and after and wonder how often they talked about that they would be a family for me, when I am ready. I run away shortly after because I couldn't take it anymore. I was not allowed to talk to the man who had killed my family, they feared that I might kill him. It was them to work it all out, and for me, just to follow and stand, no matter the pain and the sorrow. The meat locker. The Citadel, where Hector was chosen, not me, per words of a Sir.
They gave me Sacrifice. What did I sacrifice? I just endured. The dying, that was not my part, yet I suddenly understood more about it. Got scolded for it, as well. Every time I opened my mouth, there was trouble. Every time I turned to them, in hope to find a family, I was getting into deeper trouble. I remember Jill. She took me in her arms, just once. I have been a broken child, and there must be something about me that Toran still holds onto me after all the things I have said and done. And this is all in the past now, but still present, even here. I belong nowhere, no home, no feeling of comfort. I have Toran, he is with me, watching over me and what I do, judging me, guiding me with his ideals. But there's nothing anymore I have to say to them. Not after Raelyn returned home. I cannot trust the others anymore, they would just call me mad, insane, unworthy and unready to be a paladin. I can follow them on the field of battle, but I cannot entrust them with the things in my heart, head and soul. Both sides are not ready for this. I wanted to dye my clothes and change to color of my armor, yet, they would frown upon me and I would return into the bad circle of the things that happened before. I cannot be who I want to be, as a paladin with his own mind, thoughts and so forth. They'll always meddle with the things I do, no matter if I request their help or deny it. I feel bad for them, and I feel bad for me. I know what I want, but I cannot do it because of restrictions, social pressure and all that. I re-read my old entries, my old pledges and all that. It made me sad and speechless. But it made me realize what I need to do.
I need to leave all of this behind, leave them behind. But I worry for them as well. But in the end, only the decision will matter, and that's how all the bad things in this world have their root. I hope I can learn from my mistakes, and theirs...
Title: ~ A letter ~
Post by: Aphel on October 10, 2012, 06:36:15 PM
Dear Lady Commander and Chosen One Daniella Stormhaven,

With deepest regrets I send you this letter. Since I know that I will  not get precise answers out of the chain of command or barred from  voicing my questions and opinions, I have no other choice but to write  to you. I am very aware that you could care less about a letter from me  about the war, however you are the highest ranking officer of the Toran  Military Forces in this theater of war, as such, I have no other place  to go for questions regarding strategy and the study of this topic. A  letter seemed more suitable for this kind of questions, for I might  catch you at an inappropriate time or keep you from important tasks. As  well, I might die during a new attack and not be able to voice my  questions at all, furthermore, my words of apology will get lost. While  we might not agree on many things as of now, I do care about you just as  much as I do about most of other people as well. I might not always  show it yet I care about other people, like them and love them. Life is  precious and short, and should not be wasted with trivialities or spend  in endless entrenched conflicts that bear no importance. This is one of  the many reasons I decided to write you a letter -- now that I have some  spare time and need to rest, it is the best I can do to still continue  my work for these people here, I need to write a letter of apologies to  you, to make you understand a little bit better why I said what I said.  May you will understand me better, maybe you will not -- maybe you won't  even read this letter at all, as it might appear not to be worth you  time. Apart from being the only way to apologize myself in this  situation without losing my face or maneuvering us into a bad political  situation, this letter gives us both enough space and distance to think,  maybe, and discard words said in the heat of a more conflicted  conversation.

It took some time until I found the words for this letter, for many  reasons. Some of those are still to hard to talk about, but I will try  and write them down nevertheless. My grandfather wrote a lot, and I  would like to try and continue that tradition, and without him and the  writings of the servants of Toran that he had collected over the years  of his travels, I would not be able to write this letter. Just recently I  found a small piece of parchment in my diary, it contained the poem of a  former slave my father met during his wandering years. My grandfather  wrote it down for me, and I remember to have copied it again and again  for learning how to write. I would like to share it with you, for I  should have remembered it in my own darkest hours, but in those, there  was no solace to be found, and I forgot even these words:

Out of the night that covers me,
    Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
    For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
    I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
    My head is bloody, but unbow'd.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
    Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
    Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
    How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
    I am the captain of my soul. *

Our fates are different: he endured years of oppression, I endured the  loss of my family, you endured the loss of your loved one. You and he  prevailed where I seemingly broke. You gave me a blade called Sacrifice,  but nothing did I sacrifice. I just endured while others payed the  price, I was made silent when I could speak to the man of evil heart.  And while I know nothing of your pain when you endured, nothing of the  pain of the slave when he was in chains, neither of you can truly know  what I felt or thought. Sacrifice is something that comes with what  those following the Conduct of Virtue do, with what we ourselves set as  our duty to be. The core of sacrifice is to endure and not give up one's  beliefs and aims no matter what happens. Sacrifice is about what you  pay, but enduring is about spending. There are different ways to find  the strength to endure, each person on their own needs to find that  strength inside them. For me, this strength comes from knowing that my  time here is finite, that it can end in nearly any moment -- and it was  finite, the end was known when I was born. One day, I must die, for no  life can be eternal, and this is where the sentence "I am dead" comes  from. I would have to consult parchments to find the name of the wise  man who said that death comes to us all, that it is the end and the  beginning, and that one must realize ones own mortality to be able to  life a good life. There is humility to be found in this statement, at  least for me it was. Humility and Restraint. I must apologize, for I  lack the latter -- as time passes, it will yet grow into a part of me as  I learn, suffer and rejoice. All of life suffers and dies, and true  strength does not come from valor and glory by themselves. If all life  suffers and dies, would it not make sense to simply not get up anymore  and die, since it cannot be avoided anyway? Strength lies in the  decision to accept the fact for what it is and go on. Glory and valor  are something that happen to you, but what you do with your life and  your death is a decision only you yourself can make. This is where true  strength comes from -- to just go on, no matter the odds, to do what is  right. Of course, what is right to do should be discerned first or one  easily go astray. Thus one should accept the fact that death is  inevitable, and that doubt is necessary to learn and understand. Without  doubt, there can be no truth. Without truth, there can be no honor in  doing what is right, and loyalty would be blind and easily led astray.  There is a difference between trying to understand Toran's teachings and  questioning him. Nothing is more dangerous than blind belief, if we do  not doubt ourselves, our ways and what we do from time to time, we  cannot truly understand ourselves and what The Hand of Virtue demands in  his teachings. "Remember that while He is a god, he was a man. A man  who did not stand on a pedestal. A man who did not take for granted  others and who did not use his strength to put others under his heel but  rather assisted and protected." To instill blind faith without doubt  would raise the danger of something like the justicers to happen again,  to allow to let his ways be interpreted in a wrong and twisted manner.  Mortals make mistake, and we are all mortal. Only by understanding  Toran's way and ourselves, we can hope to avoid making great mistakes.  And with understanding for oneself comes understanding for others, this  is empathy as well. Just as most other people, I love and forgive you,  do not fear that I will turn my back on you in combat or in times of  crisis. Our paths are different, but they have a lot of similarities. I  serve Toran, and the best I can say is that I came to terms with what it  could cost me, and that I know what it will cost me. The Hand of Virtue  lends me some of his strength not because I believe blindly in him, nor  because I gave him so much honor, valor and glory for his name, that  much is clear to me. The Hand of Virtue lends me some of his strength,  for he has a special purpose, special trials for me as well as that I  follow his teachings and work hard to do good following a path that he  opened with his deeds and teachings. I try hard to work, fight and be at  the best of my capability every day, and to go and comfort a crying  child that was pushed and expelled by the others, to tell it that it  must not find relief in giving in to wrath and revenge, but instead  accept that there are ignorant people, people with evil and not so evil  hearts on this mortal plane -- and that deeds determine how others see  one, not name or looks or riches. To do such, without invoking the name  of Toran, is more important than kills on a battlefield, at least, to  me, yet both needs to be done.

You see, Lady Commander, when I am done with this letter and the ink is  dry, I need to return to my post against the orders of my commander. He  told me I should rest, and I think the commander is afraid that I might  burn out and loose my powers that are required when we make another  push. But my unit lost so many, lost the mason's son and now we don't  have anybody anymore to be skilled in stonework. We don't have the  strength of giants, and how can I let them down and be idle while they  reinforce the fortifications around the camp? I have a responsibility  towards them to help them, with my strength and the blessings that the  Great Leader bestowed upon me. Can I do more than them? Maybe. There are  always some who can do more, run longer, fight harder, be more cunning,  push themselves further than others, beyond the borders of pain and  suffering. I know I am lucky enough to be able to go a little further  than others, and in times like these I am required to do so if I take my  responsibility and the path I follow seriously. So I share my meals  because I trained to be hungry and to endure hunger, I eat enough still,  do not worry, and when I should rest, I defy orders so I can help the  men and women out there who saw the same as I, who endured and survived  it and who are still enduring and surviving as much as I do. You touched  my shoulder briefly after the final assault, when I comforted the badly  wounded and dying. We lost so many, and I cannot but wonder if at the  end of this fight there will be anything left of what we are trying to  save and protect. Are we doing it right, in the manner of organization,  in the manner of strategy and tactics? What should, what can we do  better? I would like to find the answer to these questions, doing so  while digging graves in this soil with a broken shovel, while performing  the proper burial rites, while writing down names to be engraved in my  armor and to be spoken before falling asleep, so that I will not forget  -- I cannot find the answer to these questions. Should I? I feel I need  to, however, as far as I know, we do not have a unit that goes beyond  what the Shining Hand does. Formidable as they are, it is not what I am  searching. They can push themselves, they can fight, they can suffer and  they can still go on. However, giving what resources we have or can  acquire, by the number of recruits -- all numbers I do not know, not am  allowed to know, as I am being told -- I do wonder if we can somehow  improve the way we go about conflicts. If something needs to be done  differently. Less large battle groups. Smaller, more elite units.  Increased mobility and possibility to deploy more quickly. Advanced  teachings in warfare, specialized to operate in small groups of few  soldiers. Our enemies are legion, and from what I have seen so far, they  do fear a couple of things. They fear the whips of their masters, they  fear discovery, they fear death. Maybe we should add another item to  this list. I am not entirely sure on how the Conduct of Virtue and the  teachings in the arts of war go together, nor on where to learn such  things. Do you know who to trust as a mentor on such things? Lord Jaedon  Siphe? I would like to be able to continue what I do in times of peace,  and to train to be better in times of war -- but I also need to speak  to the people more. Yet, what can we say to them, once all of this is  over? This world is growing darker, twisted. Dragons clash, mortals and  things from the pits. All but strife and conflict all around. I am not  quite sure how to do something about it, but I decided that it would be a  start to apologize to you, and write you a little about what seems so  wrong with me in the hope that some things can finally be laid to rest.

I now have to return to my duties as a man who loves the men and women  around him, and cannot be anything else but insubordinate and stubborn  and help them, despite the order. I will not let go to waste my skills  and knowledge when I could help those outside. They are not my family,  nor will they ever, the bond that is between us is different, much  different. We are soldiers, and we will be an unit until we are  disbanded. It is different than a family. I once was told that I would  find a family again, yet, this bond is so much different. Maybe my heart  is tainted in a way, I am not sure, just as with the things that haunt  me. Time will tell, until then, work beckons.

Remember the dead, protect the living, stay true in spirit and heart,
~William Leox

//* Invictus, William Ernest Henley.  
Title: ~ The Last Page ~
Post by: Aphel on October 15, 2012, 05:12:36 PM
It was good to go. He would have liked to help the people there, but he did not have the time to bother with Jaedon and Daniella. It like betraying those he helped, protected, fought with. Well, not that Jaedon or Daniella cared – or if they did, they still had to prove that to him. On the other hand, others were probably better with words and such work.
Blind fate...we're going the fast road into some real trouble soon enough.
He had noted a few last words in his notebook, it was nearly full now. Nearly. A few pages remained, and he intended others to fill them, when the time came. While the carriage to Sundance bounced over the rocky so called street, he noticed that with little people left, Fiorez would have quite something ahead of them in terms of economy. But, faith overcame everthing, no?
This is going to be very interesting. So, they play their games, I shall play mine. Let's see where the things I learned lead me, apart from into new pits of suffering and pain.
Nobody dared to speak with him after they noticed the ankh around his neck and on his cloak. It was time for a plainer cloak, so he wasn't sticking out like a sore thumb all the time. Again, that would bring him into trouble with other followers of the Great Leader, and he didn't think even the oligarchs in Port Hempstead could afford it to pay him for another debate on dogma and other such things with any cleric or, worse, the Chosen One. A shouting match with her would, most likely, help improve his rhetoric, and the punishments afterward steel his body.
We need more spellweavers and clerics...different tactics as well. Different training, different recruiting, or the price of blood we pay with each of these wars will be too high one day. It was too high already. Not that it bothered anybody, so it seemed. He knew too many graves and too many ways to die by now. One would think we could prevent these things from happening in the first place. Best way to prevent war is to win it before it begins. Or if you wage it, at least wage it better.
He hadn't seen Daniella doing something in regard to the dead. Only a lone bard of Ilsare – a certain Andrew William Reid – who sang for them. Because that's what bards do. He had been nothing but a companion who walked the last steps with so many. So far, he could keep their faces in check, their words and wishes. He had done what he could, wrote their families, buried them with what they wished to be buried. Had been respectful. No woman or man should die alone or with false hopes. Dead were statistics, and the living got some pieces of metal they called medals. He found it pathetic. Personal opinion, of course. They would be forgotten before the year was out, memories blended into meaningless nothingness, with some rousing speech value, perhaps. They took it too easy in his opinion. Maybe they were afraid of death, and of the dead, of memories and the hurtful past. Maybe.




And on the last page, with some free at the end, only stood:
From sacrifice comes endurance,
From sacrifice and endurance comes conviction and humility.
From conviction comes duty and doubt,
From duty and doubt comes understanding for the path
The Great Leader walked before us.
Honor him, understand him, serve his ideals the best you can
He expects nothing less, and nothing more.
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