My Life spilled onto parchment, the Diary of Ash Willo

[Zelda1]

Nepp found him. I knew it was going to happen and I did my best to prevent it. Nepp is a ranger, he has tracking skills whether or not he wants them. I was hurt when I heard one of them smack the floor in the arena, I knew who it would be hitting the floor, the honorable and patient one of course. I felt like someone ripped my heart out.. like almost how I did when Glenn died.
  I wonder everyday why I am breathing, when I have lost so much and ruined so much, is my life meant to be torcher? Then I think about him... and his wonderful spirit lifting smile. It's enough to change my day from horrible to the best day I've ever had. He does make a wonderful candle too. And in a tunnel without light at the end, it does you no good to put out your candle when you're afraid of the dark. My wars I can't fight alone, as much as I'd love to be able to. I just can't.. think.. about what I fear the most. Fears can ruin dream. Though fear, many times, becomes reality more than dreams do.
  For years, I feared I would lose Glenn. That he would leave me on this Plane alone. When there is so much more he could have tsught me, but I learned more from his death and changed so much from it. I don't even remember that girl back then. The foolish one. The one who made all those mistakes, which I am paying for now. I have a new fear now. It's not death at all. Death comes when the time is right. We have no need to force it to come. It was Glenn's time to go whether I can agree with that statement or not; I must believe it to be true that everything happens for a reason. It just depends on what the gods and fate have in store for us. My fear is losing my candle, because there is no light at the end of my tunnel, and I am so afraid of the dark.
  I obviously can't raise my children without someone there. And Nepp.. will be gone for quite some time according to his note. I pray he will be safe and not do anything stupid. Though I keep getting the feeling his kids don't mean much to him, just a lost thought or a memory.
Ash looked around her room. Small and cozy, just the way she liked it. The babies weren't making a sound, always a good sign that deep into the night. A candle burned in a single corner of the room, giving Ash just enough light to see what she was writing. The candle was old, the flame almost comepletely out. Most of what was left was wax. She pulled another candle out of her dresser and put out the old one. The room illminated instantly with a much brighter light than Ash could ever remember the other candle having. The children in their cribs didn't even flinch. With that, Ash slid on her riding gear and her hood, then led a sleepy elven girl into her room to watch her demonic treasures.  Ash whispered,"I'm gonna go make sure this fear doesn't become my next reality. Try to keep track of them, will you? If you need help you know how to find me." And off she went, determined to find just who she was looking for.

[Zelda1]

I can’t believe it. I was in that house so long… I missed my own birthday. I probably spent it with heartache. I lost track of time almost completely. My days have dwindled it seems...
  I hope I’ll see him soon, or I will really go completely and utterly insane.
Ash jumped from the roof down to the ground and took in a breath of fresh air, smiling.

[Zelda1]

"That's the last of it," she mumbled packing her things into boxes in her room. She marked the boxes, "Dreams," "Hopes," and "Love." She threw all three in the fire and watched them burn. Shescribbled on a letter marked "Tyrian" on it, then gave it toa falcon on the window seal.
  She took a last look around, making sure every trace of her past was gone or in her pack. The children asleep, she headed for the portal. "Let the journey begin," she smirked.

[Zelda1]

"She deserves to be happy."
  "But do I?"
  "Yes Ash, you do."
  "This is taking forever..."
  "It will feel like it." -6 years ago.
 
  "Sometimes, the bravest warrior's hearts are so full of love, there is no room left for bravery. Just as yours, Ash."
  "I say.. the bravest MEN's hearts are so full of love there is no room for bravery. It sounds better." -3 years ago.
 
  "Admit it Ash. The only one you ever loved was Glenn. Admit it."
  "Yes, I admit it. Glenn was the only one I have ever truly loved. With all my heart and until I join him. I was just looking for a chance to love again, and a shoulder to cry on. I miss love so much." -2 years ago.
 
  Broke the record. Three days. I figured I would write down the quotes I truly remember. I cant believe it's been 4 years. Life without meaning burns the soul. Now is really when I need Glenn to be beside me telling me it will be over soon, fact is it won't. Hope is found even in the darkest of times and the darkest of places. Hope is never lost. And if it is, it can be found.  I'll be back tracking my steps to see where I went wrong. It might take around 15 years but it's worth it.

[Zelda1]

He isn't here, I must accept he won't be back. He's with her and not with me, I must accept that too.

I find myself wondering how he is... I hope better than I am of course. I saw him in Hlint... and he sort of looked at me
and ran... I didnt do anything this time... I didn't screw up (as badly as usual for me) for once, and I feel gulity. Where
is the justice in that? It feels like I can't... function.  But it will be over soon, won't it?  I mean, I've realized my mistakes
in past relationships.. andfully gotten over them. I went to Barion and Kura's wedding and I couldnt have been happier
for both of them. I haven't felt GUILT of all things until now, but then again something new happens everyday.

My fear of wood elves could pose a potential problem when praying for guidance from one. But when I pray it
seems to be like this... or feels like it.

"Folian, guide me. Where am I headed? What should I do?"

"Uhh.. I got nothin'.."

Guilt and Fears.. Guilt and Fears.

[Zelda1]

Dear Mother,  Hmm… Indeed. Where to start….
 I’ve been inside keeping away from the plague and otherwise been keeping myself scarce in cities over the past couple years. I know I haven’t been to see you in… years really. I ran into an old friend not too long ago, and she got me thinking and I suppose set me back on my “path” again. As most of my old heroes have, I’ve been wondering quite a bit about Folian being in the forest. Could he be someone we know already? Could he be taking form in someone or something and observing without us knowing? Some many questions that may never be answered... It’s simply mind boggling. It just takes being able to open our eyes to see someone for what they truly are I think. I just wish I could do something, as anyone would naturally.    In the darkest places in the darkest times, there can sometimes be the most light in the most hidden places. I really –really- need to stop talking (and writing) in metaphors. These dark times cause one to think about their true meaning on the Prime and possibly if their time has ran out after the war. For the dragon-called, we were all here to fight in the war against Blood, but what happens after the War? Dark times come and we are in need of true heroes, yet none of us have the courage to step up and take charge, or at least, without making things worse.  
  The snow is getting a bit annoying admittedly, me being a southern Rilaran and always feeling comfortable in humidity and high temperatures. Some days I miss just walking around in the forest for hours on end without a worry in the world. But I’ve grown and so has my outlook on life and what it’s meant for. Not that I have gotten far since then, but at least I’ve gotten wiser possibly. My thoughts drift to many things these days and I can almost feel myself aging.  
  I wish you the best. I’ll write again soon. I need to keep tabs on my children these days.  
Ash  *the letter sits on a grave deep in Wolfswood*

[Zelda1]

*Ash sits by the fire in the High Forest reading her old diary. She shakes  her head and mumbles occasionally things like, "I was so nice and caring... where did it all go?"*   I messed screwed up right after Glenn died. I took on everything all at once and needed guidance, but no one was there. I became bitter and depressed. Then blissfully ignorant...then foolish.. then sarcastic and unwise. And now.. now everyone either hates me or doesn't trust me. I've failed Glenn completely. Bugger... it just looks worse written down. I've failed everyone.. so it's time to set things right.   Iretya.
  Man, am I glad to have some people around. Emie's the bee's knees, but better. I see a great ranger and possibly even a friend in her. She's bound to go far and do many great things. And (get this) she believes I can change back into the old me. Even though she seems sane.. you never know.  
  I don't think I can do it. But... who am I to turn down a challenge?